Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - To Assume or Not Assume, That Is The Question

Starting point is 00:00:00 Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm producer Keisha, filling in for your gal Laura. Yeah, it is Therapy Thursday, Ask Uncut, and our very own, very beloved Laura Byrne, well she's been working hard on something, she's been breadcrumbing and drop feeding that to

Starting point is 00:00:40 you. We've been joking that she's on Ninja Warrior, so she's definitely at ninja school today. She does have an exciting announcement coming this afternoon if you're listening to this as soon as the episode comes out, but just so you do know, it's Ninja Warrior. also I know we're so annoying like we're the most annoying people I hate nothing more when someone's like been working on something that's coming soon and then we don't tell you do you know what I love the most is when people post that shit on Instagram and then the thing that they announce is such a non-event that you're like why did you try and create hype about it

Starting point is 00:01:12 like I wouldn't give a fuck if you posted that without the hype up but I care significantly less because I feel as though the climax of this announcement should have been higher it's funny to and someone's like big change coming and then they post their new hair or something and it's like a centimeter was trimmed off and you're like whoa what's the change did i miss something no we have some great questions coming up but before that we do want to get into something a little bit more serious something that hasn't happened in a long time it's been a bit of a drought it is looking like skin my skin is in a drought oh my god it's like a cracked riverbed but we'll get to that in a minute it's looking like producer keisha is getting the sack

Starting point is 00:01:51 because she might have herself a boyfriend and now we've got no one to bring the trauma dates. I was going to say she's going to be getting the sack because, I mean, a little bit of behind-the-scenes action. I absolutely lost some footage and some videos. Oh, no, yeah, you're getting the sack because you made some work mistakes. But, no, the main reason you'd be getting the sack is because we don't really do happy and love here.

Starting point is 00:02:12 Like we don't do that all the time. Now who do we throw to the wolves? You were most worried when you started dating Ben. I remember you actually being like what am I going to do now for content like how am I going to bring shit to the table because that's kind of how we connected you know there were many people that could have been your producer but I think when I wrote to you guys I was like hey look I kind of feel like we're going to get along we trauma bond via email yeah I don't know if we've ever told that story I'm sure we have at some point producer Keisha we just got an email we

Starting point is 00:02:42 get a lot of email slide-ins but we got an email from a girl named what I said was Keisha when I read it out loud basically asking for a job it was a cv saying i like the podcast this is what i've done in the past i will do anything because it was tough well it was it was you know covid time it was a bit of a rough time for a lot of people and i don't know what it was because we get a lot of different emails but i took it to laura and i said hey this girl wants a job she seems pretty on it like she's pretty like she'd fit in laura's like nah nah did she really well not because of saying no yeah but more because we had never had another employee there forever it was just laura and myself but laura didn't want to give up not didn't want to but it's always hard

Starting point is 00:03:22 when you've created something when it's just the two of us that worked in everything it was really hard to give up a piece to someone else and laura always edited the podcast and we were bringing you on to edit so for laura it was a really big like i'm not ready to let that go yet but she was also drowning in work and i was like babe make your decision because like you're sleeping for an hour a night. So here is someone that can help us. I think that that might've actually been something that I included because I'd come from a radio background and long story short, I was made redundant and I'd been looking for a job and basically applying for all of these different media positions. And I had a conversation with a friend of mine and she was like, no, no, no,

Starting point is 00:03:56 what do you actually want? You know, who do you specifically want to work with? And we went through a list of like, do you want TV? Do you want radio? Do you want podcasting? And I was like, I think podcasting what I really like about it is that like you can talk about things you actually care about there's a lot less filters than traditional radio you know you can swear you can kind of talk about whatever you want or anything yeah and she was like okay cool what podcasts do you like and the first one was life uncut and she was like well why haven't you messaged them and I was like because you can't just do that and she was like what do you mean you can't just do that turns out you can turns out you can slide into their dms it was literally

Starting point is 00:04:31 divine intervention because it was the night before where Laura and I had had a proper conversation where I was like you know she wasn't sleeping very much because she's so busy all the time and we were growing but we weren't growing we yeah anyway it was perfect timing but that's how Kisha ended up with us I don't know how we got onto that story it was the trauma bond right this is the whole the whole connection was also like oh like she's also had a rough trot forever I think I actually wrote to you guys and I was like look professionally there are people who could probably do this job better than I can because there are people who are going to be better editors and better audio engineers and blah blah blah but I think I'll actually really

Starting point is 00:05:05 get along with you because I also have some really fucked up exes sold you're like great we're on track but what this brings us to is we're putting applications out for someone new that is also going through traumatic times with a dating life because we need you on our team no Keisha it looks like I don't know you tell me you've been going steady I've been busy is that what we say you've been going steady with someone and I say that because it's been more than three dates which we haven't hit that in a while am I getting like my anxiety rash I don't know tell us what's the gossip and you know the other reason I know is that look when I was going over to see Ben Laurie used to make the joke that I was peacocking I was getting ready you have peacocked hard you

Starting point is 00:05:42 wear nice clothes you've got your eyebrows done your beautiful makeup you're doing your hair and I'm like there must be a special someone at home before Brittany goes over to see Ben the amount of it because we have a shared calendar she puts all of her appointments in there so that I don't book things for when they're busy every beauty appointment you could wax the back appointment laser from the eyebrows down no look it's very early days and that's why i don't want to speak out of turn it's very very early days but i have been enjoying the company of one person yeah the bar was so low what do you mean i think that doesn't make him sound very good this is what's been quite a big surprise to me is that this is probably one of the first times in quite a long

Starting point is 00:06:25 time I'm not gonna say you know that everyone that I've dated in the past has been horrible because they haven't some have been great people but I don't think I'd realize until I actually went on like my first date with him that my god like what I had become accustomed to accepting as like normal dating behavior it was just getting really down in the pits down in like the bottom of the barrel type area of what you should expect like respect from someone what the fuck is that Totally. And I remember, I mean, you and I have gone for many walks and had many conversations about our dating life

Starting point is 00:06:57 and I remember one day we pulled each other up. I think you actually said it. You were like, oh, my God, he's just so sweet. And I was like, what did he do? He's like, he wrote back. Well, he cooked Delilah a piece of salmon, okay? Delilah was with me when I went to visit for lunch one day. What are we going to call him?

Starting point is 00:07:16 Actually, call him my nickname. I know what you want to call him. Yeah, call him Toblerone. That's not giving anything away. his nickname for me um but he did cook Delilah a piece of salmon so which means he's winning me over if you're gonna treat my dog if you really cook her salmon because you know that's what she likes away to our hearts have you had the talk no I'm getting to 30 soon I thought you're gonna say I'm getting to third base that's when you know it's serious yeah we are hitting third base

Starting point is 00:07:44 tonight do you still have the conversation I don't think you do getting to this age I'm like surely you don't have to have that chat anymore because realistically if I find myself wanting to go and hook up with another person then like what's the difference if I've had the conversation of is this exclusive or not because I would just end it and then do you know what I mean like I think people have the conversation still yes do you yeah because if you don't have the conversation it's a hall pass it's a ticket it's an excuse that if they do go and hook up with someone else you're like well babe I thought we were I didn't know we're exclusive we never had that they win that argument because you never had the conversation but like that's what I mean if

Starting point is 00:08:23 he wanted to go and hook up with someone else and that's to me is like oh okay well then you didn't see this going where I maybe thought it was going no because you've done that in the past and I'm not saying that's a bad thing but like you've dated people casually in the past that you've quite liked yeah not exclusive you've hooked up with someone else and you were like well you know we're not exclusive i think it's a conversation you do have to have but i think the fact that like i'd hooked up with someone else is the indication that i wasn't that into the person i don't know to me it's very implied i'm trying to think i know you're wrong you're making a mistake don't assume you know what that says you make an ass out of you and me i'm trying to think

Starting point is 00:08:57 of what ben and i did i remember do ben was trying to lock you down oh for the moment he got laid tell everyone never experienced anything like it and Britt was like oh he keeps on wanting to have this conversation with me about you know whether we're seeing each other or not but I think I need to go over and spend some proper time with him like it's definitely leading in that direction and it's not like I'm going to be investing any time in someone else but we need to spend more time together before I actually make that decision you were the one who was commitment phobic you say that like that's a surprise we know I have commitment issues no you know what it was he never hid that he wanted a relationship and I would just say to him straight back like we're

Starting point is 00:09:36 not there yet like I really like seeing you but we're not there and he's like that's okay you don't have to be I'm just telling you what I like he was just so forward with his feelings which I loved but he kept saying things like well obviously you wouldn't see anyone else would you oh like the question that was like it passed off as rhetorical but he was actually trying to dig for a bit more information yeah he was trying to make it like duh we're obviously at the place where we're seeing each other yeah I don't think it's an implied sometimes I'm sure it's implied like you might move in together straight away all the COVID times you know when people ended up dating for two weeks it happened you know that's of course implied that you're together but i think

Starting point is 00:10:07 at your stage like i mean you have spent three nights in a row with him it's a lot i'm not used to having someone i think i've become a lot more like you we've been spending too much time together i'm just morphing into britney gradually because i mean i guess people on the podcast might not know this but we actually spend a lot of our personal life together as well personal professional we're codependent i said to him last night i was like i haven't spent this amount of time with the one person except for Brit for a very long time and I'm just not used to it but yeah look I'm taking things slowly in my mind and I will give an update on where it goes but I'm also actually genuinely interested I might put this up on our Instagram story today and ask you whether you

Starting point is 00:10:45 think you still have to have the conversation to me this is the first year of my life that I have thought nah I don't need to I don't need clarity like no you could regret that maybe but I don't every year up until this point I would have been like oh yeah like I'd like to have that conversation but I have anxiety about it or like I feel a little bit uncomfortable about maybe how they're going to respond I genuinely have just I don't know how I got to this place but I've just moved to this point where I'm like no I actually don't care about having the conversation I genuinely think there's a time too of your life where and I think you're entering it where you've been shit on so many times that your care factor goes down a little bit and you're like

Starting point is 00:11:25 cool i'm just not gonna put the energy in even if you're interested you're like i'm not gonna give it the energy that i normally would have and and i don't mean the good energy like of course you're putting effort into the dating but i mean when something starts to go south you used to not you but people we would dwell on it would talk about it would wonder why should i triple text them that goes to me but now you sort of be like oh well he was a dickhead like who cares move on look for the next good thing it's so crazy because I feel as though this is the first time I've given no fucks like just being like oh whatever it is what it is and you had said this to me for so long being like as soon as you get to that point you are so insanely attractive to men

Starting point is 00:12:02 dude my dms they've never been fuller they've never been lit up like this it's like a moth to a flame it's like they can sense that you don't want like that you're just like I don't give a fuck like you had your chance for literally six months don't come messaging me now I don't want to hang out with you now yeah you just need someone to break you that last time I think I am so broken I don't you can't break me anymore that's what it's like you're like and then it's you're on the ground horizontal there's only one way and that's up that's where you are you're flying soaring high dating lives are so fucking grim no it's good I'm happy to say you're happy and I have spoken to him I have not met him but I've spoken to him he seems like a lovely man

Starting point is 00:12:40 and I can't wait for the update but I have been wondering about your skin you've been posting a little bit of stuff on Instagram about the skin treatment that you're doing because you had some precancerous cells and you've been was it a cytotoxic treatment or something like that yeah precancerous cells found at a skin check and I've been getting a lot of questions so I'm going to spell it out a little bit but I went to a proper skin cancer clinic because a lot of people have said oh did you go to just a GP or like who did you go to so to be clear I went to a skin cancer specialist but I went for a a checkup but be a couple of things that really were prominent on my face that had been there for a while just darker areas nothing extravagant a couple of

Starting point is 00:13:17 little darker pigmented areas and it turns out they're yeah they're pre-cancer so they're okay now but chances are they will turn into cancer if I leave them so you put this cytotoxic cream on kills your face basically peels off another question I've been getting is do you just spot put it on on the three spots that I had but you do not you put it on your whole face and I'm lucky that I did because a lot of other areas have been coming out that are bad basically there's a lot of other bad areas on my face your skin when you don't have anything on it it looks really painful it looks really sore and I know that people have been listening to the podcast consistently are probably like oh you're still banging on about this skin thing I cannot tell you how many messages we

Starting point is 00:13:56 are getting to the dms about your skin treatment and I want to thank you because because of you I have booked in for a skin check and I'm pretty overdue I've had quite a lot of things cut out of my body because i grew up at the beach and i spent a lot of time in the sun as a kid and but i is something that i was kind of i haven't been putting it off but i just haven't had that motivation to be like oh just book it in and you've encouraged me more important right you're always like i know i've got to do it but i'm busy this week and it's an easy when there's not a real thing that's worrying you it's an easy put off i only told you guys about it last week but i guess the reason we talk about it is it's an ongoing thing so for the next three weeks i'm

Starting point is 00:14:31 using the terms eats my face like I keep saying it will continue to eat my face for like three weeks and right now I tried to put a bit of makeup on today because we had so many interviews but I don't think I'm supposed to so don't tell my doctor my face is like covered in red blisters and they're getting worse so it'll continue to get worse for a couple of weeks I've had so many responses to my Instagram stories that I've been posting about it you know a lot of thanks for sharing which are amazing because people have contacts and relations that have had cancers and stuff like that but a lot of people being like you're so brave for putting this out so thank you so much because you're so brave for showing your face like that you're stunning and brave

Starting point is 00:15:05 stunning and brave which I did find the old me for sure five years ago I would have probably just hidden myself away and been like I'll do my treatment like I'm Cruella de Vil and then like I'll re-emerge in a month but now it doesn't bother me like people think I'm locking myself away I'm coming to the radio station every day I'm not gonna lie I was surprised that you put on Instagram because you were texting Laura and I over the weekend and then when I saw them on your stories even I was like whoa and for anyone who hasn't seen them you probably think that we're just talking about like a bare face photo we're not it's pretty visceral like because it looks like a really severe chemical burn and I was even surprised that you were willing to be that

Starting point is 00:15:40 I hate this word but vulnerable yeah but you know why because I know people that have died of skin cancer and I know if one person goes and gets their skin checked and it saves themselves I'd be happy but to know that so many people are like far out it's just my skin it's gonna you've already locked him down it doesn't fucking matter what you look like anymore i made him sign a contract that said he can't it's too late to escape yeah um i want to tell you a story about what happened with one of my best friends the other day the tldr too long didn't read version is that is that what that means tld i've read that on so many like news articles and sometimes you say shit and i'm like you're such a boomer at heart oh yeah i am i've always what did you think it meant i always knew

Starting point is 00:16:27 that it meant something like here's a summary but i know it was like latin like etc it's like everything like what was the other one the other day i didn't know ai chat thank you gp chat gp bro you didn't know what chat gpt was yeah and then you tried to say that i didn't know what it was because i didn't know what the gp or the t stood for exactly but i didn't know you just You got it sort of alluded to. I know what GPT is, but it's okay, Grandma. We'll get you there. All right, keep going.

Starting point is 00:16:54 My friend and I were chatting about her. Basically, she's in a newish relationship and, you know, we were talking about their sex life and something came up and I can't actually remember how we got from A to B. She's very into star signs and astrology and all of the things that go with the moon phases. She turned to me and she was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. My libido is completely off at the moment.

Starting point is 00:17:15 It's not the moon phase to be having sex tonight. hang on was this their first time no no no they've been sleeping together for months they're about to get jigging she's like wait the moon the moon cycle is affecting my libido is that a thing do you reckon the moon affects your i don't think there's any science behind the fact that the moon changes your libido i think you go off how you feel don't you not like the moon said no like headache yes but i don't think you can say the moon has put do you mean the moon gives you a headache or do you mean a headache is a good enough reason no the headaches are good enough reason for an excuse like a headache is the go-to standard so we did have

Starting point is 00:17:55 a bit of a laugh about this and we put it on our instagram story what's the silliest reason you've given a partner for not wanting to have sex my fake tan was developing and i didn't want it to be patchy that's valid you don't want the lines or the streaks taking this a next level if you have done a fresh tan for something like there's a wedding or something you've got your tan so it's not on like you do it on friday this is saturday now sperm takes the tan off it's so like acidic it can strip the tan so if you've got a special event on don't let them go and no fashion don't spray it that's a real thing there you go yeah how's this i was carb loading for a crossfit competition the next day and i didn't want to expel any energy not fair gotta save it for the

Starting point is 00:18:41 clean and presses yeah a lot of athletes won't do that you know yeah that that was a good dig uh it was hair washing night why am i weirdly on board with all these excuses are these all from my diary have you been reading my diary i don't want the dog to become anxious by being on the other side of the door there's nothing more putting off when your dog's whimpering too because i think she's being murdered but you're just having a good time oh this is this is grim my grandma had passed away and i said i didn't want her to see it from heaven well it's gonna be a long life isn't it how long do you think she goes to heaven for it's not a pit stop she's up there to stay we had mexican tonight oh like gassy chili far there's nothing

Starting point is 00:19:26 more off-putting than when you've had a huge dinner and someone wants you to roll and bounce around yeah like you just you're sitting heavy in the belly i think like italian mexican a like starfish night sushi's probably sushi's lighter reverse cowgirl night like that's that's probably the equivalent it's like if you've had a salad you're in for some activity i said i have laser booked tomorrow and it isn't allowed you can't just make that up it's science can you have sex after you've had laser i think you can do what you want it's probably no i'm pretty sure that they tell you like no active wear no stress sweaty environments really yeah and you gotta put that laser egg cream on i don't know if that's a lot

Starting point is 00:20:12 i feel like that's a that's a laser upsell you don't which i still to this day find very strange because it's the same price as brazilian waxing but i don't pay for it i do my own brazilian i'm amazing i can wax that whole thing in two minutes you could time me i'd win a competition i would love to do that you can watch me while i don't want to watch you do that how are you ever going to believe me that i could i reckon i could full brazilian two minutes how do you get the back without have you seen that photo where i put my leg behind my head i'm pretty i'm pretty flexible nah two minutes i'm paper i've done my own brazilian since i was 16 i find that so strange well before we get into the questions we're going to do viable unsubscribe

Starting point is 00:20:54 keisha do you want to kick it off i have got an unsubscribe that i think you're going to agree with you know when you purchase an apple product and you get three months of free apple tv and it's pretty alluring you're like oh yeah that's not bad 90 days pretty good yeah i bought a pair of airpods six months ago anyway it was only to the other day that i was going through my subscriptions because i keep on having these weird things cut like you know when you get the email 25 has been taken out i happened to me today i unsubscribed from something too this is what i mean and i was like what is what are all these weird subscriptions and they're not much money I think it was like $7.99, but they fucking get me every single time.

Starting point is 00:21:31 I always forget to unsubscribe or to set a reminder to unsubscribe. So your unsubscribe is unsubscribe. I'm unsubscribing from signing up when you are offered free trials for things. No, sign up and get the free stuff, but you have to just remember to cancel it. Yeah, but we don't remember stuff like that. I have been paying, today was like $59 or something renewal for a photo editing app that just changes the colour of the background and stuff.

Starting point is 00:21:58 And I was like, how long have I been paying for it? I went to look at it. I was like, what app is that? It's not even on my phone anymore. So it's something that is from like five years ago that has been auto-subscribing. Don't even use it. Okay, we all need to go through our subscriptions

Starting point is 00:22:10 and unsubscribe from stuff that we're paying for that we don't use. I am a bigger busted gal. I used to keep this a secret. I don't know why. I don't care about it anymore. I'm a natural 10F. So these puppies need some support.

Starting point is 00:22:22 it's not rub it in everyone talks to you like oh my god i would kill to have big boobs big boobs sure they're you know i want to love my body and all that jazz they're fucking annoying when gravity is taking over you know you really suit big boobs though like your boobs don't look like they're that big like you it must just be they must be well dispersed no but they don't you know some people you're like well they're giant well i'm getting older so they are gradually migrating south so maybe they're just more across my torso no you suit it look bras when you're a bigger busted person and we have come a long way they used to be available in three colors only white black or nude and they used to look like they belonged to your 80 year old grandmother we've

Starting point is 00:23:02 come a long way in that sense you can get nice lacy and pretty patterns or whatever but something i've never been able to have are you know cute bralettes you wear them all the time and they look so cute on you and you can just get a little bit of lace hanging out of your top or whatever hasn't been an option for us busty gals. Anyway, I found this website. This is completely unsponsored. It's called Nala. I think they're based in New Zealand. They do bralettes. So they're completely wire free and they're really supportive. So they do them in actual cup sizes because usually when you get bralettes, they're like small, medium, large. I think they go up to like an H cup or something like that. And they're actually nice. So I have been wearing those

Starting point is 00:23:40 non-stop for the past couple of weeks highly recommend so that is my vibe for the week i'm wearing one right now and i'm sure that small busted women can wear them too yeah yeah they've got ones for small busted women as well but and i don't mean to be like oh it's only for the big girls but it's just that we tend to find these things a lot harder to come by totally what is your vibe or unsubscribe from the week my vibe is very easy i'm a binge netflixer i love it but uh I've watched this three seasons of this now and I'm vibing it to you guys because it's officially over. I just watched the final episode of season three and I was so moved. I was bawling my eyes out, but for all these different reasons, because it's over, because there's sad parts, like what

Starting point is 00:24:23 I do with my life now. Firefly Lane. Firefly Lane with Katherine Heigl and Sarah Chalk. Now I didn't know who Sarah Chalk was before Firefly Lane in all honesty. I feel like she was an actress that I'd seen around but she's so brilliant in it and honestly the writing the cast the acting the plot character development and like you guys know I'm into all this stuff but it was just truly truly brilliant I actually can agree with this because I have also seen it but I'd seen posts in our Facebook group life on cut discussion group if you want to join it of people being like I need to discuss the ending with someone so I felt like I was prepped for it yeah and I wish I I don't want to give you guys any spoilers but I quite liked that it's not a traditional ending

Starting point is 00:25:06 that's all I'll say it was a bit real life which I think is important a lot of people want to go and do a bit of a fairy tale and yeah I can't say much more because it'll ruin it but it's it's brilliant if you're looking for a new tv series three seasons Firefly Lane do you know what I really liked about the show it kind of flashes back to earlier times in their lives right and I found myself equally invested in each of the storyline as in like in each of the time periods of their life i cared about all of them equally which is really rare for shows like that also there's an australian actor in there ben lawson i think ben lawson yeah i met him at a bar in bondi a couple months ago lovely guy yeah he's a local guy i turned around we were at the

Starting point is 00:25:44 bar at the same time and i looked at him you know when you have that moment where you're like where do i know you from and it clicked and i went oh i love that show that you do on netflix and he's like thanks yeah like me with sam worthington when i thought i'd slept with him but it's not I just realized it was Sam Worthington. Anyway, let's get into your deep, dark and dirty questions. Okay. Question number one, I guess it's a timely question actually, because it's Mother's Day. So it's a bit mothered related. Okay, ladies, I need some advice. I have a bit of a troubled relationship with my mom. Nothing she has done has been actually problematic. We just simply don't get along. I find her to be excessively passive aggressive. She belittles how I parent.

Starting point is 00:26:23 and whenever I think about going to family events or talking to her it causes me a lot of anxiety with Mother's Day coming up this weekend I'm feeling super uncomfortable about having to be all lovey-dovey and get her a gift and tell her she's a good mum when I don't feel that I feel really guilty for feeling like this because I know a lot of people have it a lot worse I'm meant to be taking my two kids to see her on Sunday for Mother's Day and I just feel so uncomfortable doesn't anyone else feel like this what should I do I think the thing that is really hard when you become an adult is that you can have these members of your family and regardless of how directly you're related to them the question of like I love this person because

Starting point is 00:27:03 they raised me or they had a big impact on my upbringing or you know they are my family I love this person but do I like them and I think that that can be a really hard thing to battle with when either you have someone in your family that you either don't respect or you don't agree with or you constantly argue with and like that I mean I don't want to go too much into my own personal life but there is someone in my immediate family that I very much have this type of relationship with and I really struggle so I can understand when you say like I feel guilty around these kind of days because I know that other people have it much worse you know we know that Mother's Day in particular is a really hard day for people who have lost their mum or who maybe

Starting point is 00:27:44 you never had a mum for, you know, many other reasons as well. But it's okay that it's also something that you struggle with. I think we are kind of told this narrative of like, this is the person that you are supposed to be the most deeply connected with of anyone in your entire life. And a lot of people do have that relationship with their mum, but you just happen to not have that relationship with your mum. So first thing is, I don't think you should feel guilty for feeling this way because I think that actually a lot of people have quite complex relationships with the people that you're expected to love you've said this mother's day you feel a bit awkward about going and you know getting the gift and doing the whole okay it's probably because

Starting point is 00:28:24 you feel a bit like it's fake like you feel like you're putting on a bit of a show you know do I think you should just suck it up and put on the show to a degree I actually agree and the reason I agree with that is I just re-read the question and had to think about it again but you've said like nothing she's done is problematic we just don't get along that's a quote nothing she's done is problematic we just don't get along so I just find at the end of the day like she is your mother and she's brought you up and your personalities don't get along but I think that still means a lot and it would probably still mean a lot to her can you suck it up for your kids to spend time with their grandma as well because you're taking the kids there yeah I think you can

Starting point is 00:29:05 it's a completely different story if you genuinely are at wit's end with each other and you hate each other and detest each other and you disagree on everything and anything then like no you obviously don't have to force yourself to be in any situation but the other thing is if it's actually giving you genuine anxiety you need to maybe work out why and what you can do to limit that is there a way that the kids can spend time with your grandma and maybe you don't have to be there maybe you're like I have to run some errands would you mind you know having a grandma daughter day like just palm them off palm them off go get a massage but I think if she hasn't actually done anything it would probably you know your difference in personalities but it's probably

Starting point is 00:29:42 going to mean a lot to her to spend some time together I do hear what you're saying I think the part that I can put myself in this situation is that after experiencing time with the person in my life that I feel similarly to this person I feel so fucking drained I could go in at a hundred percent and my percentage will be on one when I leave because I'm just sitting there being like I don't want to be having these conversations these are so fake and phony conversations but the one thing that I have found that has really helped do group events I don't know if you've got siblings or an activity yeah yes or an activity it's a great idea go for a walk do something with your kids basically try and find a way to create a situation where you don't have

Starting point is 00:30:26 to talk all that much about your life and you can talk about what's going on around you it's like small talk on steroids and it's really uncomfortable that it has to be with your mum it's like why you used to take Delilah and all your dates because you're like we go for a walk it's something we can all talk about just in case try and limit the amount of one-on-one conversation you're going to have to be having you've said that they can be really passive-aggressive you feel like she belittles you and how you parent just try and take all those conversations off the table talk about your kids the whole time but not how you're parenting them just talk about what they're doing at school or whatever it is well the other thing is you said that you're feeling super

Starting point is 00:31:04 uncomfortable about having to be a lovey-dovey get a gift tell her she's a good mom you don't have to do that gift card like no because I'm like my mom and I are really close so I can't relate in that sense but we are not lovey-dovey at all we'll hang out and spend time together do I write her a mushy note no she'd probably think I was dying if I did and reverse if she wrote me something mushy or said something mushy because we just don't have that relationship but I don't think that's the only way to convey love and I think sometimes people get that mixed up you can do something bake them something you don't have to do something that you're uncomfortable with by being like over the top mushy so I think that's an important thing too I think people get swept

Starting point is 00:31:41 away with like it's like valentine's day sometimes people start to do things I don't want to say on a performative level but sometimes I do things because I feel like they have to but I don't think you ever feel like you have to do anything and it's it's very subjective like it's very specific to your individual relationship and situation let us know how it goes also I hope you're okay a Sunday could be a tough day for a lot of people yeah it is it's a tough time a year question number two I've been in a committed relationship with my partner for just over a year now to summarize he's perfect I have no doubts about the fact he'll be the man I marry and share the rest of my life with. We both feel this way. My question is knowing about his

Starting point is 00:32:21 past relationships. At the start in our dating phase, I never really asked him questions about his exes, how long they were together, their seriousness, if they met the parents, blah, blah, blah. Now we're deep into our relationship and I feel nothing but secure with him. So it feels odd to bring it up, but I'm finding myself being curious about his past relationships. And I just want to know maybe it comes from a deep insecurity down in me because I really don't like the thought of him being with other girls in the past is it normal to want to know or does wanting to know only stem from insecurity do I need to know should I ask and if so how this is uh interesting for me because I want to know about all my partner's exes I love that and that doesn't stem in answer

Starting point is 00:33:03 to your question that doesn't stem from insecurity it's just plain curiosity I want to know who the person was that my love loved before me like the person that I'm with that I'm in love with who was the person you love before me what were they like it's a part of their journey and it's whether you want to think of it or not it helps shape who someone is what they go through that kind of a thing I find it really interesting but I'm very good at putting these pieces of information into segments and categories and putting them away when I need to I don't think about them so I find out that information because I'm curious I don't do anything with it I don't stalk them I don't look it up I actually never think about it again but it's a curiosity in the

Starting point is 00:33:42 early days of when I've met someone and I will now I'll ask Ben still if a question pops up about an ex or I'll ask and he'll answer and then we move on it's a just a plain curiosity for me. Have you ever had an awkward situation where like something about an ex has come up with any boyfriends not just Ben and it's caused an argument or something though? Not really because it's always it doesn't stem from jealousy and I think that's really obvious it stems from curiosity I think that that could be the main reason that you may not struggle in that sense because you are a weirdly not jealous person yeah so not jealous it's quite strange I on the other hand you know we spoke at the start like get shit on so many times you don't care anymore I on the other hand could not be more

Starting point is 00:34:27 opposite about wanting to ask questions about exes and the reason is because I've done it in the past and it sends me a bit fucking crazy. Yeah, look, it's not for everyone. I am unfortunately and I wish I had better self-control. I could work for the FBI with stuff that I can find out a lot about a person through I don't want to be like this anymore and that's specifically why I wouldn't do this now because I've done it in the past.

Starting point is 00:34:53 Not only has it caused a lot of arguments and brought up some like fleshy wounds that they don't necessarily want to talk about and they can be confused as to why you're asking the questions as well because I think in my situations they thought I was trying to get information to use against them. And I went a little bit cray-cray thinking about them experiencing things with other people and, you know, whether they loved them more than they loved me or why did they take them on a ski holiday

Starting point is 00:35:19 and I've never been taken on a ski holiday. Why did he cook her lobster that he caught in the ocean, you know, like. In 1987. Stupid shit like that. So I don't know, my advice is very different. I think to save yourself don't ask yeah it depends on who you are as a person it's a really good point because and I guess the why as well like what are you going to do with that information so for me I don't ever find out names I couldn't care less about the names because I don't want to

Starting point is 00:35:47 know who it is to look at what they look like I always I'm like how did you guys meet how long were you together what was your relationship like why'd you break up but I'm curious about that especially why did the relationship not work to me I find that really important because I think it tells a lot about a person where they're at what they're looking for are they ready to move on a lot of those questions but usually for me that comes earlier on so you said you've been with your partner quite a while but now you're curious I still think it's okay to ask the questions if you want but be really honest about it just literally say what you said to us hey I do not know why this has popped into my head but I was just sort of thinking about your life before

Starting point is 00:36:24 me like what was that like I think it can provide you with context around certain things like let's say that they were cheated on in a past relationship it might explain why they have you know an insecurity about whether they were going to be cheated on in the future you know there are certain things that I'm like oh could give you a bit of clarity on some of their behavior I think you need to have a real look in the mirror and say what type of person am I am I the type of person who's going to go a bit weird from this information or am I going to be able to like just curiously find out a bit more about what makes my partner my partner you know what's wild I've just realized this now Ben doesn't want to know about my past like he doesn't need to you know he's a bit like

Starting point is 00:37:07 oh it's in the past you know like it doesn't bother me and I get upset the fact that he doesn't I'm like how do you not want to know I was like don't you want to know like why I am the way I am or all the things I've been through or you know and he's like well I just care about now and our future which I get and I respect why do you think you want to tell him though so he understands why I'm a fucking head case sometimes like babe if you knew what happened to me maybe this would be okay why I'm acting like this maybe you would know why I don't want you to have a double life and I'm just double checking that you don't have a family in Scotland that I don't know about dump your other fiance now because I've already done that you know those vibes no but I just I

Starting point is 00:37:46 don't know I guess it's it's such a huge part of what shaped me and what I've been through and the reason I've done a lot of things is off the back of different traumas that have happened to me in the past and you know some I've spoken about in the podcast and some I've kept a secret that are just my own and I think there's a level of me being a woman being like why don't you want to know why I am like I am and he's like I don't want to ever upset you but it doesn't matter to me because I just want to know who you are with your life with me but it's funny because that's the reverse situation but I genuinely don't think there's anything wrong with asking a partner about their past that is just me the only reason I would say don't do it is if what Keisha said

Starting point is 00:38:22 and you're going to spiral into like a psycho stalker obsession like ask them for your own knowledge not to go and look up this person not to do a deep dive just so you know whatever it is you want to know all right last question I've been talking to a guy for months now and we just recently went on two dates he seemed genuine and in my eyes we seemed to really get along Although then one day he just stopped replying. Is it reasonable to ask him why he stopped replying or just forget about it and move on? Oh, I feel like we've all done the like seven texts in a row, haven't we?

Starting point is 00:38:55 You know, when no one replies and you keep sending. Yeah, maybe your phone's not working. I don't know if you've gone out of service. Oh, I'm assuming you dropped your phone in the ocean when you were rescuing that kitten. Yeah, like, you know, it's fucked when you do it on multiple platforms. When you message, Instagram, text, WhatsApp, Facebook. okay this is my advice and I'm coming in pretty confidently and pretty hot you've been on two

Starting point is 00:39:15 dates he's ghosted you I'd leave it I would leave it they are not worth it sometimes silence and no message is a message yeah you can't misinterpret silence you can't and someone not messaging you is sending you a message of I don't want to talk to you and I know that sounds horrible and maybe maybe something happened I mean like that's probably a one percenter that something's happened and they'll circle back. But I think at the end of the day is like, let's not overthink it. People have every which way to contact us now if they want to. And if their phone did drop into the ocean, they have Instagram or WhatsApp or messaging on their desktop. Like everything's linked. There is always a way to contact someone now, unless you've gone camping in the Amazon

Starting point is 00:39:59 jungle, which you'd probably tell someone if you did that. You know what though? You're like, sometimes and the reason that ghosting I think is such a fucking problem is because what it naturally does is that it makes you create a scenario in your head as to why that person has stopped wanting to be in contact with you because in your brain everything was great until it wasn't and so what we naturally do is we kind of feed our own insecurity into being like oh well they must have stopped doing this because of what I said or because of how I acted or maybe they didn't like this certain thing about me or you know etc and that's why I think ghosting is really unfair because when you don't have the context you fill the gaps yourself and you'll

Starting point is 00:40:43 often fill them with things that you don't like about yourself and that's why it can make you feel like your ego is so bruised well it is bruised because it's someone saying I don't want you in my life anymore so it's yeah it's pretty shitty that being said I actually text someone who had ghosted me this is in the last probably five months we'd been hanging out we'd been talking everything was going great guns right and I can't I think he tried to soft fade me but I was an eager little thing and I didn't read the room I didn't read the room until it got to the point where I sent a message being like am I not reading the room here or like if you have to ask if you read the room you're probably not you just not want to hang out with me and I got very

Starting point is 00:41:25 dismissive things right fast forward a couple months we hadn't spoken for a while and I think this is the main part is that you have to get to a point where you don't care if they don't reply yeah which I did get to and this person was quite substantially older than me and I was like this is really fucked that like you're at this age and you still think that that stuff is okay and I sent him a message and it wasn't like an aggressive one I just said hey I was actually listening to a podcast that was talking about it and that's what I put in the message I was like I am listening to a podcast that has encouraged me to send you a message and tell you that it really upset me that you ghosted me. I hope by me sending you this message, it makes you not do

Starting point is 00:42:02 it to the next person. And I was in a place where I was like, I don't give a shit if he doesn't reply. I don't actually know why I sent it. I was probably just having a bit of a down day and I wanted a little bit of like a, at least I got the last word, you know? Anyway, I got like the six paragraph reply with an apology and so in that sense you're asking like should I message them you can but you also need to be aware of the fact that they might not reply and you will look more crazy and I guess ask yourself why why do you care so much what this person that you don't know very well thinks of you and why they didn't want to pursue you like your confidence and validation and who you are shouldn't stem from what a stranger who can't be bothered to give you the

Starting point is 00:42:44 time of day thinks of you. That's what I think. And it did take me a long time to get to that point. I've been the seven texter. I've been the, I thought we had a great time. Where did we go wrong? You said you'd call me. I've been that person. But I think you get to a point where you're like, well, it's your loss. I don't know if there's a listener out there right now that hasn't been like ghosted or ignored at some point. I think we all are going to go through that because it's far more prevalent than we think. But if you can be confident in who you are and what you've got to offer that's enough it's their loss that they don't see that but you don't have to it's not your job to convince someone of your worth and how great your relationship will be it

Starting point is 00:43:20 is not your job to say this is what I can offer you because the right person won't need convincing I mean that's all nice and I agree wholeheartedly with all of it but I do think that's a lot easier said than done I don't like don't you know two dates in and some dickhead doesn't want to talk to you anymore but they were better they were talking for months and you don't know whether that was like phone calls every night you don't know how progressed the person who wrote this in felt like their relationship was it cuts you deep and you feel shit about yourself yeah and yeah I mean I'm going on my rant because I hate people that do the wrong thing by people upset people's feelings I do and of course like I have messaged people and asked for a reason too and if you

Starting point is 00:44:00 really feel like you can't move on because of it then a hundred percent you can you're entitled to ask them but as Keisha just said just be prepared that they might not write back again and are you gonna feel worse yeah you've got to not care you've got to be in a position where you don't care whether they reply or not and you don't care if you think that their perspective of you will change basically for me I got to the point where I was like I don't care what you think of like I was in a good place by that point and I was like I don't care what you think of me but you're too old to be doing this like you need to actually know that you need to be accountable for this stuff and I'm sorry that he ghosted you because you know what the other thing is I'm just thinking

Starting point is 00:44:37 about now like when you said Keisha you just got a full page letter back of like an apology if you get a response it's going to be nice like it's not going to be nasty everyone's going to say oh I'm so sorry I got back at my ex or I'm so sorry I'm just not in the right place it's always going to be something nice it's no no one's ever going to say I didn't like you I don't like your personality I wasn't attracted to you I didn't like our sex no one's going to be nasty so then I guess what else are you going to get from that because chances are their reasonings just being diplomatic and polite but it could be true and that's what I mean by like at least then you are feeling the blank puzzle piece of when we get ghosted we typically think of the worst of

Starting point is 00:45:16 ourselves is the reason why they've done it at least then you have another reason you can get a little bit of closure out of these kind of things and I definitely felt like I got a bit of closure I just think that you you need to go into these situations in a position where you don't care about whether that closure is going to come or not yeah I just don't take ghosting to heart because it can be really hurtful but I think it's a really powerful thing to say, cool, that's on you. You're not ready for whatever reason. I'll keep on my own journey. Well, I think that we've talked shit for a bit too long. If you have a question that you would like for Laura and Britt to answer, this is just a temporary thing. I won't be here for every

Starting point is 00:45:52 day that Laura is doing Ninja Warrior. She also lurks in the background anyway. She's always around. But if you do have a question, send it on Instagram at Life Uncut Podcast. I will pop the links to the facebook group in the show notes and we are on tiktok even though brit who doesn't know what chat gpt is we're trying to keep up with the time you don't need to know what chat gpt is to talk the tick yes i will also put a link to our tiktok in the show notes and you know the drill thanks producer keisha for coming on today you're an absolute dreamboat we love when you pop in and do your little surprise it's not a surprise to me but to the listeners you surprise co-hosting stop flirting with me i know it's my flaky skin isn't it giving you the eyes with my as my skin

Starting point is 00:46:35 flakes off across the room don't forget tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the love because we love love We'll be right back.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - To Assume or Not Assume, That Is The Question

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