Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Ultimatums, 'Too Soon' and How Honest is Too Honest?

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

Hey Lifers!Today has been a bit of a chaotic mess, but what else is new?It's a leap year day and Queen Margaret (5 years) has an allowance for you. Britt has stuck her foot in it and basically told her pregnant friend that she didn't like her baby name. Vibes for the week:Britt - Can I tell you a secret? on Netflix Keeshia - Ali Abdaal's Deep Dive Podcast The difference between healthy and toxic relationships Laura Barney Dog Bed Then we jump into your questions! I’ve been officially dating someone for about four months, but we were in a bit of a situationship for about 5 months before that and we were friends for about 3 years before that. We have already said ‘I love you’ and talked about the future, so we’re quite serious. The only thing is, after we had been officially dating for a month, he said that the ‘honeymoon phase’ was over and that he needed to start taking a bit more time to himself. It has caused a few issues, because he’s 30 and I’m his first partner, so he’s quite a solitary person, but I need quite a bit of attention. I’m starting to regret deciding to be exclusive, but it’s a bit too late to backtrack from that now. I’m not sure how to handle this situation, because I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend who asks for more time, but I’m also starting to get resentful about not having more of his time. A few weeks ago you answered the question to another listener about the girl who’s fiancé was going to propose to her when / after she gets her license. And an engagement under certain conditions, that was okay. My friend is in a similar situation with her boyfriend of 1 year. However, her boyfriend has said openly to her that he wants to marry her, but won’t propose to her until she gives up vaping and drinking on weeknights. I thought personally this could be problematic and potentially manipulative to have a promised engagement under certain conditions. I am dying to hear your take on this. I feel like this is a stupid question but I have been out of the dating game for so long and I need to know what's normal. I went out on a first date with a guy and it was absolutely amazing. I was lucky enough to get a kiss at the end of the date and nothing else! We are going on a second date next week. Do I kiss him on the lips when I see him next or be polite and give him a kiss on the check? When is 'too soon' to ask the person you've been going on dates with whether it's exclusive? If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and it is a morning of absolute chaos. It's hell. Hell on earth.

It's not hell, excuse you. A little bit. But this is, you forget, our lives for the podcast were always chaotic. Remember, we were always scrambling for everything and I feel like today was reminiscent of the early days of podcasting. I mean, what we're alluding to, what has happened. Everything went wrong. Technology was not on our side, but we also discovered that Britt is so deaf in one ear

that she couldn't tell that only one side of the headphones was working she was like my headphones are fine yeah and then that's how we discovered that Brittany has a hearing well it's not how we discovered it so it's funny I've always joked slash not joked right I'm like I know I'm going deaf ha ha ha I'm deaf whatever but I actually am you know I'm one of four kids my sister Sherry my brother Mitch both have hearing aids they both have a hard of hearing which only happened later in life when they were like 27 and and 30 and a lot of you probably have heard me talk about that over the years a lot of you haven't so yes I have a brother and a sister that both wear hearing aids and I can tell that I'm going that way but I often don't realize how bad it is until somebody points

out that it's not normal and that's just what happens so everyone in this room there's four people and everyone was like you're insane it's not that it's bad it's just that for the career part that you've chosen it's not good well no if I can't hear my whole job is to listen and talk it's fine. It's just appears that one, it works and one, it doesn't. I know. And then on the flip side of that, I'm sick again. And I'm just really sad that I'm sick again. Cause I don't have the emotional stability right now to have the flu or the cold or anything. I thought like, at least after having pneumonia in January, I would have a couple of months. Just give me a few weeks of being great, but no February. We're not even out of

February yet. And here we are. It's probably stress related when you think about it. I'm not stressed i'm very zen now i have so many plans i'm very calm matt has just gone to vegas for 10 days and left you with two kids at home i'd say you're pretty stressed day two you're getting sick thank you thank you for the validation but no i'm not stressed and also my mother-in-law has just moved in and she's doing everything so like i feel particularly unstressed it's just me i'm broken like the headphones do you know what day it is today it is leap year 29th february yeah it is very important day once like the olympics once every four years as exceptional as the olympics the thing is if you guys haven't heard about this the reason why

the 29th of february is a big deal not just because it comes around once every four years but also because it is a special day in the calendar like whatever you call it where women are supposed well it's not i can't say in the year because it only comes around once every four years but it's a special day where like historically there was a law that was brought in and you know the details Queen Margaret in like 1922 or something Queen Margaret brought in a law sorry not 1922 1722 no 1822 no BC 1222 producer Jono's producer background Jono's doing some googling there it was in 1288 and it was Queen Margaret of Scotland she brought in this she was feeling a bit like a feminist that day I don't know what it was she woke up and she was

like I'm gonna give women some rights but only one day every four years and this is the day that a woman is allowed to propose to a man if she wants but so funny if he said no if a woman proposed on that one day and he said no he had to like give her a present or something to be like sorry I don't want to marry you and it was like a dress or a kiss or it was like don't have hurt feelings here's a new corset oh and she was only five oh my god the queen was five years old when she brought that in she was a queen at five years old and she still knew that women should have rights that is literally molly may saying women should be able to propose and if if he says no give her a dress it makes more sense now the rules that she was five or a kiss wow wow look i'm glad things are

changing you can propose if you're in a heterosexual relationship you're a female and you've been waiting too long today is the day go and do it well we did ask out of curiosity we asked our listeners if anyone was planning on proposing on this day everyone said no or if they'd ever proposed on this day and everyone had no one came through the goods but a lot of women did say hey I've proposed which I think is really cool but question if your birthday is today what do you do for the other three years do you just do it like a day like you just say make up a new day how do you fill out a document when it says what's your birthday because your day doesn't exist that would be complicated wouldn't it every four years your day exists yeah I mean if you're born

on a leap year on the 29th we'd love to hear how you navigate such massive milestones in your life I actually didn't think about that so many things if your anniversary is that day like that's really complex I reckon I would just pick a new day and change it well I think that's what probably most people do but I don't think you can you can't change like your birthday or you can't change the actual like date on a certificate but you would have to just bring it forward but you don't exist otherwise you I mean you do you're you're no you're in the matrix you're in the matrix hey I have what would be wait I've got a question what would be worse being born on Christmas day or being born on the 29th of February in a leap year I'd rather be

born on the 29th it's a cool party trick story kind of thing like otherwise Christmas you just miss out on two lots of presents and you make another birthday on the 29th on christmas it would suck you just want to be celebrated twice well christmas just is shit because even if you change it to a day before or after no one still cares there's a good two-week buffer either side where your birthday falls into that period no one sorry but no one really cares no one cares and also you're sharing with jesus anyway so like how are you going to compete with jesus that's a big deal he walked on water how are you going to compete with him when it's your birthday gosh so so unkind well before we get into the questions I do have my own ask uncut that happened to me

yesterday actually from a friend you've heard the advice that I give you're coming to me for a for a solution to your problems I already gave the solution but I wondered if I should have and that's my question so someone pretty close to me messaged me basically they're having a baby and they messaged me some baby names and they're like hey what do you think of yeah what do you think of this? LaDasha. And I didn't, I'm not going to say the name, but I did not like the name. Like I didn't like it. And then I had a moment of, do they actually want to know the truth or do you just say that it's cute and you like it? Like, is it just subjectively bad or is it objectively bad? I'd never heard of it before. So it was very different. Now I like a unique,

a new, new, new York, unique New York. I like a unique name, but I had never heard it before. it's not that it was unique I just didn't like the name that's all it's not there was nothing to it I didn't know anyone with the name I just you know when you hear something straight away I feel like you get a vibe you either like it or you don't I just didn't can you give us can you like do a rhyming word I'll tell you off mic but I'm don't want to on mic I mean if I messaged you Laura I'm pregnant I'm not pregnant sorry imagine hypothetically I messaged you a name and you didn't like it and you know I'm not stuck to it yet I think if it was a question I'm reading you the text verbatim okay hey what do you think of this name you can be honest that is open slather

for honesty because that person is not sure yet they don't know if they like the name and they're getting feelers to see the canvassing to see if they've made the correct decision or not and you just help them by saying no well I mean I so I wrote back and I said do you want my honest opinion which is obviously a rhetorical question but also a real question too I think if someone says that the answer is never going to be good no I think I wrote actually I'll read it let me just see what I wrote but the question actually was have you ever met a do you like the name and I said five hours later I haven't heard of it love um do you want my honest opinion with all that's that's harsh with with you know those eyes lie to me Brittany yeah and then I said look I honestly don't love

it and she said oh okay i've moved on then back to the drawing board and i was like oh back to the drawing board means maybe it was more on the yeah on the line than i thought it was a little bit harsher than it needed to be one might say this person's close to me i love i love them and i i just hate their choices in life i just assumed that she messaged me because she really wanted the opinion but then i felt really guilty because i was like you should but she asked me not everyone wants the truth in life brit we'll give you the cold hard facts here at life we'll give it we'll give it to you straight if you come here for some questions being answered we will give it to you straight but sometimes your friends want to be lied to that was an instance where your friend

wanted to be lied to oh damn it i really messed that up maybe i'll write back and say hey i've been thinking i really warmed to it she listens to the episode she's like you lied anyway i don't know i think this is why people keep baby names so close to their chest and they don't talk about their baby names. It's not so much because they're so worried that people are going to steal the baby name or someone else is going to use it, blah, blah, blah. It's mostly because people don't want to have their friends and family's opinions around what they like for fear of it changing their feelings towards it. Like the reason why I use Molly Mae as an example is because when I said I was hyphenating her name, oh, did they come out of the woodworks?

I'm talking family, friends, everyone was like, oh, you're not, you're not really going to hyphenated are you yeah I was like yeah yeah I am and I was so because like a lot of people everyone liked the name or everyone was nice enough to say that they liked the name no one said they didn't there were no Brittany but no one wanted it to be hyphenated every even Matt was a bit like should we do this and it's come to my attention that a running theme in our relationship is that I seem to get my way more than he does he keeps pointing that out to me as of recent so happy life happy life yeah thank you that's what I think I know at least I let him opposed to me it's all Matt's fault he's in Vegas shut up okay anyway I think that the end of the

day that if somebody says this is much what I want to call my child then you don't comment but if it's a question and there's still a couple of months to go and they're obviously working it out I think that you can be honest yeah I say that only because I did it I still think that an um dot dot dot do you want my honest opinion is probably harsher than it needs to be probably a little bit harsher you didn't even need to write a follow-up after that because that message in itself is i hate it that's an i hate it but i did the emoji that all softens a blow it doesn't i do it never when i break up with someone i just put an emoji at the end i'm like don't want to see you anyone squirt one little one little sad tear face okay anyways

all right like let's get into our vibes for the week before we answer your questions brunie what is your vibe my vibe this week is a netflix documentary it is called you guys might have seen it it's trending everyone's watched it top 10 it's a doco by louis thoreau which is called can i tell you a secret i started watching it and i watched half of the first episode and i thought it was base i couldn't get into it but now i've been seeing everyone talking about it and so i think i need to go back and give another crack interesting because i i was in it straight away it's only it's super short it's two parts that's it so what it's about it's about britain's most prolific online stalker now his name is Matthew Hardy this man harassed is not a strong enough

word yeah like for what he did to the I get I have goosebumps thinking about it for what he did to these women for years destroy their lives a hundred plus women and it's a how easily it can happen be how hard it is to get out of once you're in it how much it destroys your life how much people don't believe you I was really captivated by the way it was produced they had like these voiceovers reading the text messages which I found really engaging because a lot of it's you know online but the way that this man infiltrated these women's lives and then the reasoning why I just found really interesting and also this is such a huge problem yeah all around the world and the fact that people are now highlighting it and making people feel like they're not so crazy

when they're going through it bringing so much awareness to this I thought it was a really well produced really interesting short so it was bite-sized you don't have to invest for a year yeah I thoroughly enjoyed it well one of the things I went from the part that I saw of it and I will go back and watch it because like I said I've heard so much now about how good it is and I think I wrote it off too quickly but it really makes you question how much of your life you share online the parts of your life that you share online because I think it was the unfiltered access that allowed him to be able to infiltrate all those parts because you think you know you live such a and and I mean I say this obviously you guys listening gonna be like right you guys

live public lives online but it does make you question what parts of your life you share but it's not even just that and there are parts that you'll understand when you watch it Laura but an example so you know is like he would impersonate other people in their lives so that they believed they were speaking to someone so there were times when one woman thought she was communicating with her personal trainer but it wasn't it was this stalker guy that had he got he has so many different burner phones names he had accessed one woman's like lingerie nude shoot she did with a photographer he had stolen her identity enough to be able to get those photos from the photographer which is obviously horrific and the photographer felt he was like I can't I

am so sorry I thought I was talking to you and you needed the link again things like that where it's like it would be I think of it within my life I'm like wow these women are not dumb women there isn't there's nothing you can do and once he was in he was in he had their photos everywhere he had facebook accounts different phone numbers everyone in their life he had started a relationship with one woman's best friend's dad so the best friend's father thought he was having sexy chats online with his daughter's best friend and this woman's like you know in 20s and 30s she's not a teenager it's like this is all above board but then the idea of when that came out that how humiliating it wasn't you talking like i just can't fathom and it just really got and it was

it was just really eye-opening well that's and it's on netflix netflix yeah can i tell you a secret by louis thoreau okay and producer keisha what is your vibe well my vibe for this week is with a content creator named ali abdal and if you are a youtube person you probably know who he is because he's massive on youtube he has like five million subscribers he used to be a doctor like a medical doctor and now he is a YouTuber like he kind of gave that career away and usually what he talks about on his podcast is productivity that's kind of his jam like happiness productivity that kind of thing but he did an episode of his podcast called the difference between healthy and toxic relationships so his podcast is called deep dive with Ali Abdaal again we link everything in

the show notes and in this particular episode it was all about relationships and he had some incredible guests and a lot of them will be very familiar to you if you like life uncut people like Matthew Hussey Logan Urie the Gottmans Hannah Witten and he had kind of these eight to ten minute bits from each of those people so it was the one episode it was like a normal length 50 minutes but just little snippets of the best bits yeah I'm not even sure if it would be like the best bits but they were all different conversations so I liked that it jumped between all these different topics it was all relationship based one of them that I loved kind of compared this difference when you're dating between essentially going after the spark

and going after what you think you want long term and I loved that that was the part that he did with Logan Urie she's a behavioral scientist from Hinge we've had her on the podcast before she's wonderful so yeah I really enjoyed the episode it is called deep dive with Ali Abdaal the difference between healthy and toxic relationships well once you've finished watching about stalkers and toxic relationships if you have a dog i'm recommending something you can go and buy a plant and live your zen unstressed life no my recommendation for the week if you have pets or specifically a dog i am recommending a barney bed because i bought one for buster recently obviously if you guys know buster has three legs he has been getting worse and worse in terms of like his mobility because

is getting older he's like nine now we recently got him a Barney bed and randomly I was driving on Oxford Street and I saw a back store no I saw a back of bus sign like as in like a poster on the back of a bus and I was like gosh that actually like aesthetically looks really nice it's a nice dog bed and then I went online and checked them out and they are like made out of memory foam for dogs you can get a special cover for them so it makes it really easy to wash them which is for me is great because I have to wash his bedding all the time. Look, they're expensive, but they are probably the best dog bed I have ever had. So in nine years of having Buster, we have gone through so many cheap beds. I feel like we throw his bed out every six months and get a new one because it

just stinks and you can't wash them properly. And this has been amazing. So they're called Barney Beds. They're Australian owned business. And yeah, they do have a shop, which is on Oxford Street as well. She actually, she's an Aussie, but she actually took off. I remember reading something like i think it was the kardashians someone big internationally bought a got a barney bed and ordered it from australia because it wasn't you know at that point she was like wow yes i'm gonna send it and something yeah don't quote me on that guys i love a little thing kim kardashian she sleeps in it herself all of the sisters sleep in them her extra small barney bed my brother has two golden retrievers and they're nearly 10 sorry they are 10 years old they'll be 11 this year

and they both have them and they're really, really good. They are huge as well. Delilah was in it over the weekend and she took up like a quarter of the bed. They have multiple sizes. So you can get really little ones for small dogs and then you can get massive ones. I need to actually get another one for upstairs, but I'm like, they are expensive.

But the other thing is if you have like, if you're trying to make everything look nice in your house and you want nice interiors, et cetera, et cetera, they do cool covers. So you can get really nice prints or you can get really nice linens. So your dog has a bougie ass bed. The end. Anyway, let's get into answering your questions. Okay, question number one. I've been officially

dating someone for about four months, but we were in a bit of a situationship for about five months before that. On top of that, we've been friends for about three years. We've already said I love you and talked about the future, so we're getting pretty serious. The only thing is, after we had been officially dating for a month, he said the honeymoon phase was over and he needed to start taking a bit more time to himself now they're only a month deep of like proper proper dating yeah being exclusive yes it's caused a few issues because he's 30 and I'm his very first partner so he's quite a solitary person but I need a bit more attention than that that's just my love language I'm starting to regret deciding to be exclusive but it's a bit too late to backtrack

from that conversation now I'm not sure how to handle this because I don't want to be the nagging girlfriend who asks for more time but I'm also starting to get resentful about not having more time oh it's too early take it back it's too early in your relationship to start to feel resentful it is too early into one space yeah it's too early in your time of being exclusive to feel resentful for the honeymoon phase to be over and for him to need more space although to be fair some people just have like different levels of needing needing alone time you know like but if he's needing more alone time now that you're exclusive than what he needed when you guys were just casually dating to me that I would say he's the one that's changed you haven't changed your expectations in

the relationship he's the one who's changed and I think it's fucking brutal to be told after a month of exclusively dating that the honeymoon phase is over that's I mean that's shit I okay if this is me I don't think it makes you the nagging girlfriend to outlay the stuff that you want in a relationship if you need more face-to-face time quality time if you need more attention love whatever the things are communicate that with him explain to him that they're your needs if he can't meet your needs and you feel any level of resentment towards him this is not the person for you to be in a relationship with and it's okay for you to change your mind the honeymoon phase 100% needs to last more than four weeks more than a month like it should be minimum two months minimum five

weeks. Okay. How long do you think the honeymoon phase is? Minimum six months. For me, it's going to go for a decade. You'll never see the guy. I keep them away. Yeah. That's why I do it. I really want that elongated honeymoon phase. No, what I have a few thoughts, right? The honey, I'm being serious. The honeymoon phase should not be a month, a hundred percent, because you are choosing to date somebody. Let's be real. Most of us, and I'm assuming you are looking for your person. You're looking for somebody that you want to spend your life with. So it's going to be a rough 50 years if that honeymoon phase is over right now the honeymoon phase should change but I feel like there should always be some aspect of wanting to do those things and be with that person and

feeling that that sort of love maybe theirs is a little bit of a unique situation because they've known each other for years they had five months of dating you know like as in like casual dating maybe it's just been so drawn out that it didn't have the excitement of which one might expect with like a new relationship the new relationship excitement was well and truly worn off before they even became exclusive well yeah the other thing is you said he's 30 and he's you know it's his first proper relationship we all know that I was single for a very long time and I will note that it is very hard when you've been on your own for a long time to go from that to somebody that you have to think about all the time and somebody in your space and somebody that wants your time

and attention it's a really hard transition if you have spent a very long time totally but the thing is they've been seeing each other for five months or so they've been banging it's a situationship I banged yes I know but what I actually think has happened is it's almost like the opposite he deems exclusivity he's taken his foot off the pedal in terms of effort like he's like oh well we're exclusive now it's a done deal and so therefore he's putting in less effort because if there's been this dramatic change after a month of you guys being exclusive to me that means he's pretty lazy in a relationship and that's what this sounds like I know I mean I'm going to disagree I don't think we know enough when you disagree with me keep it spicy I just

don't think we know enough to say that he's lazy in the relationship I think that from I'm just trying to reread what she said honeymoon phase is over and he just wants a bit more time to himself and she said he's quite a solitary person but she needs more you do need to be able to match in a relationship with what you need 100% if you are a physical touch person that needs a lot of attention and you love to talk and you need to communicate and your partner is an introvert who doesn't do well with touch and doesn't want to be speaking and you know he just wants to write letters or whatever like you do have to be able to match on that level because you got like again you're spending so much time in communication with that person but the thing that gets me here is I

regret deciding to be exclusive but it's too late to backtrack it is never too late to do anything in a relationship you don't want to do if you've decided you don't want it anymore you want something different you just have to have that chat you don't have to be like whoa okay cowboy you go home and i'm gonna go bang bobby down the road it doesn't have to be like that but if your views on the relationship and how you see it and what you want change in any capacity you're allowed to have that conversation you don't feel like i'm a month deep i'm stuck now i can't go back i don't think that this would be that uncommon where you think you want something or you're like you know especially when you're in the dating phase and you want the exclusivity because like

often people want to be in an exclusive relationship because they want to be in a relationship but they don't really think about whether that relationship exactly is with the person that they're trying to be in a relationship with so then eventually when they've like relationship again Laura I can't breathe I'm I'm getting sicker by the minute guys I started this off and I was like I don't feel well and right now I'm like probably we'll go do a COVID test after this sorry to everyone in the room great thanks for that thanks for that often a lot of people do this though you want so much to be in a relationship that you don't really you don't really concentrate on the person that it's with and then you get in the relationship and you're

like oh shit I got that thing I wanted but did I really want it with him was this why what made you say that Laura I've done it for sure 100% I was just telling the guys about this is a long time ago in the past but it's probably a story I don't think I've ever told on the podcast before no you haven't so I I had a friend who he was like he'd been a friend for a long time and after I'd gone through a big breakup he turned into a hangs and bangs friend and then I really wanted situations exactly this a situationship I really wanted to be in a relationship I really wanted to be exclusive he didn't want to be exclusive we went back and forth back and forth back this went on for ages went on for 25 years Laura's like I'm gonna wait it out until he went

on The Bachelor no it went on for a long time probably like a year on and off of this like you know we're friends we're not friends we're dating we're whatever anyway the whole time I wanted to be in a relationship with him he didn't really want to be in a relationship with me and then it was his birthday party this one year and I remember we'd just gotten back together we're hooking up again and I went to his birthday party I'd met his family a million times I used to stay at the house all the time but he um he said awkward by the minute he said to his brother we're standing there and his brother was like I'm so glad you're back kind of thing and then he introduced me as his girlfriend he was like yeah back and as my girlfriend oh that was the

announcement that was the announcement everyone there because it was you know everyone had known that we were on and off everyone's like oh my god it's official and then I in the second that it happened I was like oh my god I don't want this anymore and then I woke up the next morning and I had to have the very awkward conversation of happy birthday but I don't think I want to be your girlfriend but it was because I finally happy birthday I'm breaking up with you motherfucker we've been dating for six hours for 12 hours I've wanted it for three years psych you are the prime example of just like wanting something you can't have like he told you for years it wasn't gonna be it's your like challenge accepted yeah make this man my boyfriend then on his birthday you

dump his ass you're a mole you're such a bitch when you say it like that yeah I think I was in the wrong but no the point is so is he he was in the wrong too how dare you guys just assume after that length of time you have begged him for years you can't you are gaslighting your past situation 10 years ago right now he led me on for a long time and then it was too late he didn't lead you on he told you he didn't want to be with you this gets funnier and funnier you are right i am wrong i didn't behave well in my past relationships but also yeah there's no there's there's no also he's happily married has children now happy for him I hear from him every so often he's doing well he did okay no but the point is like if Laura can backtrack her exclusivity after

12 hours you're allowed to also do it after a month you're allowed to do it after 10 years you're allowed to change your mind it doesn't matter what the situation is and I think that that is the take-home message from this from anything that goes from dating from consent anything you can change your mind at any point and that's okay it's also and I do love this Except maybe if you've had kids because that's hard to change your mind. No, you can still change your mind. You can still break up if you've got kids. No, I'm all in about your kids.

Oh, no, you can't return the children, which is my problem. That's my worry. You can't return it. Hey, I had these two children, but I've thought about it. Not for me. Laura and Britt said you can change your mind about anything, and this is something I've changed my mind about. Someone take them.

It's also, I'm getting a little bit of the sunk cost fallacy vibe here where you're like, well, it was three years before that, and then it's eight months of banging, and then it's four months of dating like do I want to go back now I've invested so much time but yes go back please the other thing is people date people often forget this right the whole point of dating is to find something that fits with your life and is the right person anybody that dates one person and finds a soulmate you are a unicorn like that is not a common thing I know it's out there but for most people you have to shift through the rocks to get the diamond

oh that was so profound thanks and beautiful it was it was on the fly could you tell yeah you gotta go pan for some gold before you'll find a pebble go to the northern territory with we answered this question a couple weeks ago but this is a new iteration that has come in from someone so you might remember we answered a question around a guy who was he was going to propose to his girlfriend but only if she got a license and the concerned friend wrote in because she thought it was unfair for him to put caveats around an engagement. So the question we've had that's come in is this. A few weeks ago, you answered the question about another listener whose fiance was going to propose to her when she gets her license. And that seemed like it was okay.

My friend, however, is in a similar situation with her boyfriend of one year. However, her boyfriend has said openly that he wants to marry her, but won't propose to her unless she gives up vaping and drinking on weeknights on weeknights i thought personally this could be problematic and potentially manipulative to have promised an engagement under certain conditions and i'm dying to hear what you think well we don't want you to die so we're going to give you our opinion here's what i think stay alive stay alive stay alive stop that tough um stay alive well sorry the longer you to think about this no because the longer you sing we lose listeners when I think back to the way we answered the caveats around the engagement for the license I was super okay with that because

I thought you know that is something that's super annoying and inconvenient in your relationship it's also it's not side-hearted it's not a big deal go get a license totally and it's also not like it's your personality trait it's not like I hate the way you laugh I don't know why that pop to my head obviously it's not that I hate the way you laugh it's not a personal thing it's like hey it's you you're actually are just being lazy get your license so everyone doesn't have to show for you around for your entire existence yeah and we look we unpacked that very in that was a question that we unpacked in the most nuanced way so like we're summarizing it right now but like we ran into all the different options around why maybe she didn't want to get a license

we know what could be the outcome we settled on the fact that we didn't think it was a big deal now I have different feelings surrounding this I don't believe you should be in a relationship with someone where you say I'm only going to marry you if you quit vaping and drinking on weeknights if you are it's a bigger conversation like if you're that unhappy with what they're doing I look personally I understand that I could not imagine spending my life with someone that smoked or vaped because for me it was always when I was dating it was always on my list of like non-negotiables I just knew for me I didn't want to be with a smoker I have my own reasons for that I also think it's very unhealthy I think it's a waste of money I don't want them to die

young I'm not saying every smoker does but we know smoking gives you cancer but for me I've grown up around smoking my family always smoked and I just hated it I just knew I didn't want it yeah but that's up to me I choose that I don't want to be with that person I don't find someone and say I'm going to change you to be who I am you can have a conversation with a partner and say look can we talk about how much you're drinking through the week if it's a problem like you know you're you're drinking to intoxication and it's causing problems with us you know you're late for work every day which is going to be a problem because you're hung over I don't feel like I'm getting the best parts of you because you're either out drinking and partying or you're hung

over and you're not feeling like it like there's definite conversations you can have around that but I think it's more on the person that's putting the caveat to decide if they want to be in that relationship I don't think you can say to someone stop fucking smoking or I'm not marrying you I totally agree with you Britt I kind of feel sorry for the person who's putting the caveat the person like the guy who's saying hey if you stop drinking on weeknights and you stop vaping then I'll marry you because I actually think that the reason why that's an unhealthy caveat is because she might do that or you know the partner might do that the partner might go okay fine I'm gonna stop drinking and I'm gonna stop vaping get that proposal and then once you're married that

behavior is continued and it may not be a behavior that's conducive to a healthy relationship for the two people so the way I see this is that I think if I'm going to reduce this down he wants to marry her but he doesn't think that she is at a point in her life where the way in which her day-to-day week-to-week is conducive to having like a long-term relationship or conducive to the future in which they talk about wanting so there's one thing you can talk about I want xyz in my life but then you can behave in a way that is completely contradicting the things that you say you want and so if her drinking and her vaping is so prolific during the week that he's like well look you say you want these things but then you're doing this I don't want to marry you if that's the stuff that

you're doing then I understand why he feels like he's at this roadblock where he's almost putting an ultimatum on the relationship but I think it's too harsh to say to him well if you're not happy with that you should leave you should not be in the relationship with her and I'm like I understand why he's like, well, I want to be in a relationship with her. I'm just not ready to marry someone who's not ready to come to the table when it comes to things like partying. And so I think in this instance, there are a lot of people out there who wouldn't want to be in a marriage with someone who's drinking heaps on the weeknights and also vaping throughout the week as well, because they feel like it's not conducive to the life that they want for their future. I don't think that this is

necessarily manipulative of him, but I think it speaks to a bigger problem in their relationship that they need to either come to terms with or accept prior to getting married anyway well yeah this is why i think that they need to have these proper conversations as to the why and how it's making him feel because it's all well and good to say hey i know you want to get married i'll do if you stop vaping and drinking so she's she wants to get married so she's like fine i'll stop i'll stop they get married she drinks again totally vapes again she smokes again whatever it is like it's a band-aid it's not the fix and also if she does that though he will feel tricked because he will be like well you did this just so that I would propose to you and now we're married and

now I'm in a situation that I was two years ago that I didn't want to be in it's it's absolutely not the solution yeah so do I think you can put those caveats on absolutely not do I understand why he's doing it absolutely yeah it's a really tricky one I don't think we can hate on him for asking her that but unless you unpack the why and if it's going to change and if they're willing to change on a deeper level I don't think they're going to get anywhere but I think that there's other ways that this presents itself in relationships I mean I know people who are like I don't want to move in with you until you stop xyz and then once you've stopped xyz we could live together for example it could be partying I don't want us to move in together as a couple

until you stop partying if you're going out four nights a week like why would I want to live with you so I understand that sometimes along the way in relationships there are ultimatums that present themselves sometimes they sound a lot harsher when you write them out like I'm only going to marry you if you do xyz but I don't think that this is around the ultimatum this is around him wanting a certain life for them and he wants certain conditions around the life that he wants for his future and it's not conducive with someone who's partying throughout the week or even maybe partying on the weekend like you know everybody has different levels and tolerances for what they're okay with I mean I guess with this one my answer is is that I know it kind of sounds bad

once it's written out as though I'm only going to propose if you do this but I would say after one year of dating if the behavior of your friend is so in conflict with what her partner wants in a relationship like if they're totally on different pages they're probably not as suited as what they think they are they're probably drawn together from all the love that they have for each other but actually at their core as people they might be very very different so I would be interested to see where this relationship is at in two years time three years time if no one's making any sacrifices so ask uncut aftermath in 36 months yes please come back because I want to know if they're still together and like who made the sacrifices on either side of this okay question

number three I really like this one I feel like this is a stupid question no such thing yeah there are some not on the life uncut we've had a couple like do you shit standing up was a pretty stupid question we've had that before have we actually had that yeah do you sit down do you sit down or no do you sit down or stand to wipe your ass we had that as a question but remember we thought it was stupid it wasn't because it was pretty divisive a lot of people said that they like half stood and then most men kind of squat over the toilet to bite their ass and women are like what the hell are you doing okay very sporadically there's a stupid question how many holes does a woman have also stupid question 25 i've been out of the dating game for so long and i need to know

what's normal i went on a first date with a guy that was absolutely amazing i was lucky enough to get a kiss at the end of the day but nothing else well we're going on a second date next week my question is do I kiss him on the lips when I see him next or be polite and give him a kiss on the cheek I don't know what to do and it's giving me anxiety do you think it's dependent on how like hot and heavy and steamy the first makeout was no I don't think it is dependent at all I think if you don't know if you can kiss him on the lips you don't kiss him on the lips like you don't I think it's very presumptuous just when you've been on one date a lot of people kiss at the end of the date doesn't mean anything a lot of people kiss on the end of the date you never

see or hear from them again no but the fact that he's planned the fact that they kissed at the end of the last date and now they're planning another date to me would indicate that both of them want to kiss again so part of me is like just get it out of the way there is nothing to me I'm not a person who would go and kiss on the second date right I'm not going to greet and kiss but there's nothing why is your advice for this book you like want to test it out no because because I don't have the confidence right this is a lack of me having the confidence but for me there's nothing hotter than going on a second date and the guy just doing it and then I know exactly where I stand and then there's not the awkwardness around am I gonna kiss this guy at the end because it's

already done and I don't mean like a makeout set I don't mean like I'm gonna wrap you up and have a big pash the second you see the guy I just mean like a greeting a hug and a little cute yeah on the cheek or the side lip you know when you're going for like a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek slash lip like it could have been let you slipped and hit the sort of side of the cheek or it's almost like that semi-intimate kiss do you know what I mean it's like you're not assuming I can kiss you on the lips but you know I kiss my gran on the cheek and you ain't my gran it's like that almost in between side lip the thing is I get that you kissed on the first date it's been a week between second dates I get that he's asked you on another date and yeah probably a hundred percent

chance you're going to make out at the end but he also could have gone on four other dates with people in that time that he also kissed and he also like we don't know i just feel like it's date two you're overthinking it play cool not even play cool but like you shouldn't be so stressed about how to greet him like that shouldn't be the stress of the date just enjoy yourself open the door if he picks you up or you don't have to do it blow by blow if he gets there open the door take four steps to the car open the car door no get the seat belt plug that in turn to him say hello can i finish this is some people take my relationship advice very seriously i can't breathe i literally i'm at a point now in this recording where i can't even breathe or see

it's all going downhill rapidly i think you just open the door give it be like hey we're so excited oh my god hey so nice to see you again you've met the guy once give him a cuddle little kiss on the cheek if it's easier but you I promise you don't kiss no if you if it feels natural and he goes for it don't be like well Brittany said don't do it just embrace the moment but you're stressing yourself out over this I don't want to say it's silly but it is it's the smallest thing and just enjoy yourself don't spend the whole day being like oh my god he's gonna make out with me at the end just be present and in the moment and I promise you it will happen you really took like a full circle there you were like there's no

silly questions here and then i don't want to say stop being silly about it but stop getting stressed well i hate because i i mean i've been there at some point too where you like somebody and you do think about all these tiny little things like that they all are the end of the world but you stress yourself out enough and there's already enough pressure on you when you think you like someone and you want a date to go well the biggest piece of advice i can have is don't overthink it like you just have to be you and go with the flow he has to be him i think the assumption that you can just go and kiss him on the lips like straight away because you did it a week before i just don't think you can assume that i feel like it's like holding hands a kiss

on the lips as a greeting is a like oh we're really going somewhere for me like that's what i think so it's like when you start when you've been seeing someone casually and then i know everyone can think of a moment right now because i can think of one where you started seeing someone you're walking down the street and then for the very first time they hold your hand it is an indication of like this is more than just a casual like nothingness that's what I think like a real intimate handhold the kissing on the lips whenever you want like that feeling like you have that freedom with each other for me is like that next serious kind of I don't know I think that there's a number I think that if you've gone on four or five dates and you've made it I know but I think

if you've got on three dates and you've made out on all three dates by the fourth date you can kiss the guy whether he's held your hand in public or not yes that's not the question the question is one date a week ago yeah okay maybe it's a bit soon but see if you kiss him on the first date Laura if you feel like it propose it's fine you can change your mind okay well speaking of that how soon is too soon is actually the fourth question now this has come from a guy how soon is too soon we've been dating for five weeks I don't believe she's seen anyone else but we also haven't had the conversation so I'm not sure I do want to be exclusive but I also don't want to put myself out there if it's not reciprocated and I don't know how to ask and when to ask five weeks

deep wants to be exclusive but doesn't know what to do there's no timeline there's no timeline you could you just fucking married someone on the first date 10 minutes ago no I mean yeah and also like when it came to Matt he was like I love you and then we're in a relationship we were basically married and he was dating 30 people at the same time there's no timeline like things just happen in crazy ways these days guys no look when it comes to when you should go exclusive there really is no timeline though because like some people date for a year and never become exclusive i.e me and then other people date for a week and they're exclusive or two dates and they're exclusive like Brit you know so I think that it's not timeline dependent I think it comes down to the conversations

that you have and so if you're at a point now where you're like I want this to be exclusive I guess my question to you would be what do you do if she says no so if she turns around and says you say opposite day that's mature no I think if she turns around and says I don't want to be exclusive like how will you feel about that are you happy to keep the relationship open are you happy to keep on just seeing where things go would you have more of a conversation around okay well are you looking for you know a relationship but we're just not there yet is it because it's not me I would say after five weeks most people have an idea as to whether they want to be exclusive with someone or not and often if they don't want to be exclusive it's because they're not ready

for a relationship or they don't want to be exclusive with that person so I would kind of like get a bit of a gauge and have a conversation if it's what you really want yeah it's also so dependent I really feel like it's how you feel and the energy you're giving and getting from that person and I say that because I've been in situations where there haven't needed to be words like you know from the moment you meet someone that you don't want to be with anyone else and you can just tell that they don't either because it's the energy you give each other the way you speak are you speaking about future things or are they you know a bit pulled back are they going out partying all the time I feel like if you don't know and you are wondering

then the question mark is looming and I think you can have the conversation but I I have been exactly the same Laura I mean I have said I love you after five weeks like reciprocated like he said it first I said it back it was amazing and I never questioned that that wasn't going to be that way and then I've dated somebody for a year where I've questioned what the fuck was going on the entire time the entire time and at the end of the day we're adults we don't need to be left wondering I mean even producer Keisha last year when she started dating Toblerone we had this sort of ongoing story arc with her where she wanted to say she loved him and know what was going on and know if they're exclusive but she didn't and she thought

that was the case she thought it was reciprocated but she didn't want to bring it up and ask if she wanted to happen organically it didn't happen for a very long time at the end of the day well no the conversation we had with Keish was more so she was like I don't need to ask because I know that we're exclusive and we were like you should never assume that was our advice but okay don't assume I think that these instances are quite different and the one thing I would say is and I don't want to I don't want to just load this into this question because I think that this relates to a lot of relationships is often we're too scared to ask because we're too scared to hear the answer but the reality is is that if you're not on the same page you're going to get hurt anyway

so if you don't know that they're out there dating other people seeing other people you don't want to ask okay can we be exclusive because you're worried that the answer is going to be no you're worried that you're not going to be seen as being chill you're worried that they're going to think you're too overbearing and you want too much in your relationship but by being that person by being the cool person who's just chill with everything they're the people that get really hurt and they're the people who never end up on the same page because you're assuming what's going on and I'm saying you're assuming you're not even assuming you just don't know and so I think after five weeks if you have feelings around where you think things should

be at and how you want the relationship to be don't not ask the question because you're scared of the answer that's the most dangerous place to be in a relationship yeah but also five weeks of dating once a week or five weeks of seeing each other five times a week like it's also very dependent totally I don't believe you need to go in straight away either and say hey do you want to be exclusive but you can take it back a little bit and word it differently and say hey can I ask you something just so I know if we're on the same page are you seeing other people or leave it like that just say it's going to be a yes or a no and you deserve the answer and they're going to give it to you and you can give it back to them like that is not something that we should be treading

lightly on if you want to know if someone is seeing other people when you're sleeping with them you're entitled to ask them because there's sexual health reasons there's trust reasons there are so many reasons security reasons for yourself which is reasons it's like it's like you're entitled to say hey cool if you are just want to know where we're at like what you're doing in that personal time because obviously we see each other a lot like I think that is if anyone asked me that there would be no awkwardness I would 100% know that they deserve an answer it just means you can manage your expectations but there is nothing more precarious than being in the situation which I know most of us have experienced and me too many times I like to count where the other person says

no i'm not seeing anyone else i'm only seeing you but i don't want to be exclusive i'm not seeing anyone else but i don't want to be exclusive that fucking purgatory land is possibly the worst place to be in for a prolonged period of time so i think you have to almost like manage your own expectations in that instance where you're like okay well how long am i okay with being in we're dating we're not exclusive but we're not seeing other people because that purgatory could be two weeks it could be two years it really doesn't have an end date I would trump that and say I think there is something worse and that is the not knowing you're even in purgatory yeah not knowing and wanting to have the conversation but not knowing if they're with anyone else or they want

to be with you I think is worse than knowing and having the information to make the decision so this has also happened to me many times where a guy has said I shouldn't say many once or twice let's be real no but where someone has said like they wanted to be with me but for me I just wanted to be having fun dating and I didn't see it going there. And I would have continued wholeheartedly just doing that casualness. But when they ask me, I'm always honest. I'm always like, oh, I don't, I don't feel the same way. I'm so sorry. And there's nothing better than when someone is just really honest with their feelings. It's not actually that awkward because I've been on the receiving end too, where I've wanted relationships and they haven't. When some, we think that the

idea of this rejection for me in situations like this, when it's pretty early dating, I think we put so much pressure on it like it's so embarrassing it's really not like no one needs to be embarrassed that maybe one person has feelings that are a bit different to somebody else's it's literally our whole entire life it's our friendships our families our intimate relationships work relationships is always going to be those differences just put it out there hey are you seeing anyone no did you want to be seen on anyone or is it just because you haven't met anyone like are you still looking are you still on the dating apps you can ask them if they're on dating apps like that's another way to say it like if you have a dating profile and then take it from whatever they give you like

from there if they say no and you feel like that conversation is right you can say well did you see us going that way yeah do you see us going that way do you want to be exclusive because i know i'm not seeing anyone and i would love to see where this goes with just you that was good well we hope that we answered some of your questions in a way that was actually helpful if you have any questions for us for next week's slide into the dms at life uncut podcast on instagram you can jump on the discussion group that's life uncut discussion group on facebook where all the meaty conversations go down and some very unmeaty conversations and if any of you decide to propose today on february 29th let us know obviously yeah just like me slide it if

you're going to propose today we want to know about it slide into the dms like right now because we want to be involved i bet it could happen you never know someone might hear this and then be like the queen five-year-old thought today was the day and then they'll grab it by the balls literally anyway saying balls and five-year-old in the same sentence is probably where we should end and that's it from us or just not repeat okay don't forget tell your mom tell your dad tell your friends and share the love because we love love