Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Underwhelming Proposal. I Dread When People Ask The Proposal Story and I Find Myself Embellishing It

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Keisha, and this is where we unpack all of your deep, dark and burning questions. And Britt, I'm coming in hot today with a question of my own. I think you would struggle to find people who claimed that they loved dogs. More than me? More than us. You know, we're both very big dog people. But I came across a video on Instagram yesterday.

Starting point is 00:00:32 It's becoming my Roman Empire. I can't stop thinking about it. And I find it very, very, very strange. So this video was between, you know, Darren Palmer, the guy who is one of the judges on the block. Yep. And Scotty Cam, who he was from that gardening show a million years ago. And now he's the block host.

Starting point is 00:00:51 Everyone knows Scotty Cam. Yeah. Okay. So something that a lot of people will know about him is that he's like a dog guy. You know, he has working breeds and he seems to love his dogs and he trains them and yada either. That was all fine. I really liked that about Scotty. Maybe he trained Delilah. I thought that was quite endearing. Until the next part, this video, they seem to be on some type of podcast. I know the details of where I got this information from probably aren't the most

Starting point is 00:01:14 important part, but I could have done a bit more research to bring it to you. But I have clarified the details from an article. Darren was asking Scotty about how much he loves his dogs. And Scotty ended up responding that he loves his dog so much that two of his previous dogs who have passed away have been professionally taxidermied and freeze-dried and they now live in his house freeze-dried makes ornaments no freeze-dried makes me think of just like mango slices freeze-dried you know like snap frozen snap frozen like yeah okay so just to clarify to everybody Scotty currently when he was doing this interview has a dog who is alive right now that has to walk past its complete life-sized taxidermy ex-siblings that have passed on you have a problem with this i have

Starting point is 00:02:07 a what you don't have a problem okay firstly i'm sorry that i'm being this harsh i usually try to kind of understand other people's perspectives the idea of taxidermy is so creepy to me. There is like, as much as I love dogs, there is no part of me that thinks I would emotionally be able to cope with walking past a stuffed version of an animal that I loved so deeply. Oh, I think it's fine. I think it's fine. I'm on Scotty Camp's side. I think it's fine. Are you going to stuff Delilah when she passes away and have her in your house as like an ornament as like a sculpture by the sea that is Delilah. No, it's not for me, but I understand why Scotty's done it. He just says it's the perfect way to honor a pet. He says he's so

Starting point is 00:02:56 obsessed and in love with it that he wants to remember it for the rest of time. I just don't think I need to have it stuffed in my house to remember it. Look, it's not for everyone and it's different. Okay. Taxidermy for me, all this shit is weird. You know, hunting when you go into someone's house and there's like a head on the wall or something disgusting like disgusting I can't stand that I can't stand looking at it I can't stand the reason why it's a flex that like oh I'm so manly that I killed this poor animal like I don't like that but that's not what this is this is like the your this is his beloved pet that he is he is obsessed with dogs he says he's had a dog since he was born he's had multiple dogs at a time like it is his literal best friend

Starting point is 00:03:35 And in this case, I think it's okay that he's taxidermied them. It's not for me. Like I'm not going to put Delilah in, but I understand his why. I really do. Here's a quote. She's in my house now, collar and ears up, ready to go. And I say good day to her every night when I get home. I know it's not for everyone, but I like it.

Starting point is 00:03:54 She was too good to bury. And as for plans of his future, he said, I've told my wife that by the time I'm 80, I'm going to have three or four dogs lined up in the lounge room. I'm crying. perfect no I'm actually sorry I feel so sorry for the dog that is alive imagine having to look at that imagine having to go past it and be like I remember you Barry I remember when you were alive you were my friend that I used to play with I didn't I think I'd get so emotional I think it's beautiful he walks in every day and says hello and it's ready to go I think it's really nice

Starting point is 00:04:24 it was his best friend for a really long time you're being too harsh I'm not being too harsh You are. It's strange. It's not strange. It's strange. And I feel most sorry for the dog that's currently still alive because he's just looking at what's coming. No, the dog doesn't know.

Starting point is 00:04:40 The dog just thinks it's a dead dog. Dogs know. It doesn't know. Our dogs are smarter than us, Brittany. I told Delilah to sit 25 times yesterday at the park and she didn't do it. She knows how to. She chooses not to.

Starting point is 00:04:52 I don't think Scotty Cam's alive dog walks past and side-eyes and is like, oh, fuck, that's where I'm ending up. I do. I think that that's what he's thinking. And I typically try to not yuck other people's yums, but this really has changed my opinion of Scotty Cam. I find it really odd. Maybe he's frothing. Maybe that dog's like, fuck yeah. Like I don't get froth at the mouth. You know why? Because it's stuff. It's also different because he even says, like, you think about his reasoning. She's too good to go in the ground. I actually love that. I just, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Is there a bit of an issue with it

Starting point is 00:05:27 been on display in the lounge room maybe maybe it needs to be a study dog like I don't think it needs to be when you're having Christmas but you know what I mean like I think it's within reason I don't think you should walk into someone's house and every pet they've ever had it's like hanging off the wall and on the mantelpiece and like you walk into the kitchen and for your breakfast and there's Frankie like what happened to a photo what happened to a photo where you put the collar next to it and you still think of your loved ones don't get me wrong I'm a dog person I absolutely love nothing more than what i love the dogs in my life and it's the life-sizedness of it as well it's not like a statue of it or it is made to size yes it's interesting you're the majority

Starting point is 00:06:05 for sure like most people would think taxidermy is strange most people i think if you asked and polled them would not taxidermy their pets a hundred percent i'm one of them i'm in the category of not like don't ever think you're gonna walk into my house and delilah is gonna be on my wall Like, I hope not. No, she's not. You're going to add that to your shrine. Then it would be a shrine. It would be a life-sized shrine.

Starting point is 00:06:27 Delilah would be bigger than my shrine. That's the funny thing. My pictures are so small on my wall. No, she's been on a diet. She's been losing weight. She'll be fine. I don't know what I would. I think I told you this the other day.

Starting point is 00:06:38 I don't know if I actually said it on the podcast, but I said it to you, Kish. I'm going to cry again. What is wrong with me? I'm so hormonal. You are very emotional. I was in the morning. I woke up with Delilah and I was talking to her. And I'm going to spend, like, way more time traveling next year.

Starting point is 00:06:50 And there's like big, there'll be big chunks of time that I'll be away. And I was talking to Delilah because I talked to her like she's a human and I was patting her and I started to say like, don't forget me when I go and I'm going to come back and I'll always come back for you. Like, and I started crying. I'm crying now. I was like, I'll always be back for you and you're going to have the best time when you stay with Anikisha.

Starting point is 00:07:11 And I was talking to her and I was so upset. And then I started thinking about like what my life will be like without her one day. And I can't. So maybe I will taxidermy her. Fuck it. I'm taxidermy. Wow, what a ride that was. I'm going to taxidermy her.

Starting point is 00:07:23 I'm like, I'm not okay with you taxidermying Lylee. I love her. Are you not? I love her so thoroughly. I just find it kind of strange. I'm going to move on. It is absolutely my unsubscribe for the week. If you're into taxidermying your pets, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:07:38 I just don't know if we're ever going to see eye to eye, but I have a really, really good vibe for this week. And it's someone that, Britt, I reckon you actually might want to have her on at some point to do like a guest interview episode so her name on instagram her account name is the emily d baker now she was a prior la deputy district attorney oh i think i've seen i feel like you would have so this is kind of for the true crimey people but it's also if you're into pop culture because i'm not really a true crime gal until it crosses over into the less serious pop culture crime and then I'm right on board so she is a lawyer or was a lawyer was this

Starting point is 00:08:17 you know previously uh deputy district attorney and she breaks down all of these legal cases so you know that I was absolutely obsessed with this case but it was the Karen Reid case so she was the one who back in 2022 her boyfriend was found dead in the snow and she was initially charged with manslaughter and second degree murder and she ended up getting acquitted of those charges and it turned out to be this weird police cover-up like I remember yeah it was the most bizarre story but Emily I actually started following her a couple of months ago when that case was all unfolding because there were so many intricacies to it that I just didn't understand and obviously they've got a different legal system over there but at the moment she was breaking down

Starting point is 00:09:01 certain things that have happened with like the Real Housewives of, I'm actually not sure, the Real Housewives of somewhere. They've been done for insurance fraud. And so she's going through all of these cases. She went through the Diddy case more recently as well. And I just find her so utterly fascinating. She gets on Twitch and does these live streams and she puts the videos on Instagram. And she's also got a podcast called The Emily Show Podcast, where she talks about, you know what's going on in the courtrooms and how different legal systems work and it's all related to like the cases that you want to hear about so I find it really really interesting and I think that anyone who enjoys that kind of crime pop culture crossover will also really like her

Starting point is 00:09:45 but I think she'd be a fascinating person to interview you've already reached out haven't you no I haven't yet I wanted to check it by you first and see how you felt because of the team Britt is definitely like the true crime girly. Yeah, I'm a sicko for it. Yeah, and I'm not a sicko. I get a little bit scared by it. It makes me quite anxious. But she makes me less anxious because she makes me understand it.

Starting point is 00:10:05 Okay, adding to list for sure. My vibe, it's a quick one this week. It is these pyjamas that I have been wearing a lot on my stories. So like, you know, I wear pyjamas a lot in my life. If I'm not an active wearer, chances are I don't wear my pyjamas. But I've had a lot of questions about when they appear on my stories. It says I've got a few pairs of them but there's one particular set that is like white and pink flamingos and it is so comfortable

Starting point is 00:10:29 and every time I wear it, people message me and say, where's it from? It is from a brand called Chili and Charlie and they make bamboo sleepwear. It is the most comfortable, beautiful sleepwear and it's almost made like you could wear it out and people wouldn't be like, oh, you're in your pyjamas. Do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:10:48 I feel like a couple of years ago we went through that fashion where it was like that started to look like pajamas yeah I had heaps of it I said it was clothing it was my pajamas but they're like sets that could be like there's plain black sets or whatever else that could be looked like you could wear the shirt open and whatever anyhow her name's Tani the founder I know her I've actually known her for a long time so I don't want to pretend like I don't but I'm not vibing it because I know her I'm vibing it because you guys are always asking me about it Keisha I know you have a set but she is a mom of four again we love supporting small businesses and she literally started the brand because she had four kids under four,

Starting point is 00:11:25 something wild like that. She has twins, but she was like, I need to be comfortable at home. I'm always in my pajamas because I'm trapped at home with four kids under four. Like she's like going out was like fat chance, fat chance of putting all these kids in a car and getting out of the house alone. So she created this really beautiful brand and I love it. You guys always ask about it. So that's what it is. So the pair that I wear the most are the pink flamingo ones, but yeah, Chilly and Charlie, go and have a look. Chilly and Charlie's named after some swans that live out the front of their house. It's really, it's really wholesome, but we love supporting women businesses here. I do too. And actually this might end up being my vibe at some point. I did think

Starting point is 00:11:59 about whether we might want to do an episode with this particular person I've started following. The whole account is about the environmental impact of fashion and clothing and like societal fashion trends and that kind of thing and how it impacts our lives and our world. and I saw this video the other day that was really fascinating to me because I felt as though I was like oh I so align with this and I wasn't aware we are becoming so much more conscious of the materials that we are putting onto our body and and I mean that in the sense of like not necessarily the environmental impact the health impact because a lot of these synthetic materials like there have been some studies and I don't want to go too far into the science but the fact that you

Starting point is 00:12:39 know, there are endocrine disruptors and we shouldn't be having these synthetic materials that can leach into our skin and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Bamboo is meant to be one of the best. It's natural and it's really, really good. It's especially good for people like I'm obsessed with sleep. It's especially good for people who have trouble thermoregulating. So like whether you sweat or whether you get cold, bamboo is meant to be really good. But I am also having a much more clear focus on the materials that my clothes are made out of and like gone of the days that I'm happy paying hundreds and hundreds of dollars for synthetic shit. Like I just want better materials. And I think that there's going to be a push in the future for

Starting point is 00:13:17 fashion and pajamas and all those kinds of things, things that like active wear that go close on your body being made out of good materials. Yeah. Well, that's it. Chilling Charlie, let's get into the questions. Okay. Question number one, Brit, this question is quite convoluted, but it's also pretty crazy. And I think that you guys will find this really, really interesting. So the title of this question is someone told my daughter that they're her half sister and I need help. Okay. Strap in for this one. A little background is that I have a daughter, she's 12 and in high school. Her dad unfortunately was murdered and passed away eight years ago, which was big trauma for both of us. Fast forward to this week. My daughter has a friend at school.

Starting point is 00:13:58 She's known her since primary school, but they've gotten quite close this year. My daughter came home on Wednesday and told me that her friend had told her a big secret and that she wasn't allowed to tell me or anyone else. This friend proceeded to tell my daughter that she is in fact her half sister because her mum used to be with my daughter's dad's best friend and when they were trying to get pregnant, he couldn't. So my daughter's dad donated sperm And that's in quotation marks. So there wasn't an affair. It was just that the daughter's dad helped their friends out.

Starting point is 00:14:35 Well, this is the story that the child has told her daughter. Okay. Now, while this sounds insane and like an episode of Home and Away, there were some key facts that were too correct to ignore. For one, they actually knew the name of my daughter's dad's best friend. So at a minimum, I know that they did know each other. After doing some digging, I did find out that this best friend that we're talking about actually did have a child with a woman who is now my daughter's age.

Starting point is 00:15:03 My question is, what do I do? I've given the school my details and asked them to pass it onto her mother because they won't give me her details. Do I ignore this and do I just move on? I feel like I can't. My daughter goes to school with this child. Also, if it is true, he and I would have been together at the time. I was either pregnant with our daughter or we were planning it so if he did in fact donate this sperm he didn't tell me that he was doing it for this couple this has severely rocked me and my child and i need to know what you would do next i mean fuck it's crazy right well i mean it could be crazy or it also could not be she's 12 like she came home and said hey i could be a half sister that i mean 12 year olds

Starting point is 00:15:50 say a lot of crazy stuff. Like, I don't know what you're expecting from this. Like, you're never, ever going to know unless you do a DNA test. And it's highly likely that she's not going to give you a DNA test of her daughter that's 12 years old. If this is true, the mother has told her, the mother's like, hey, your biological dad is actually, you know, the same dad as your friend at school. That means it's not a surprise to this other mom, this parent. Like, that's not a surprise. She knows she's held a secret for a long time. She's told her daughter and she hasn't involved you at all I'd be shocked if she wants to come and involve you having said that if she's happy enough to tell the daughter maybe she is I don't know when you say it's rocked you and you

Starting point is 00:16:28 don't know what to do I don't know the answer to that this is like a pretty crazy story especially going back to like your husband being murdered and like there are a lot of things going on here and I understand you said that you guys are in therapy which absolutely is the right place for you guys to be but there is a lot that you need to consider here with your daughter and how involved and how messy you want to get this and what outcome you want. So I think you need to decide before you make a decision on how to go about it and your actions, you need to decide on what the outcome is

Starting point is 00:16:58 and then I think work backwards, like what outcome do you want and then you can put the actions in place. Yeah, I find this really irresponsible of the other mother. Totally, but we can't change that. Twelve is old enough to understand some things that have emotional complexity, but I think when you're enforcing that information onto someone else, I don't have a problem with the fact that she has said to her daughter, your biological background is kind of not what you might think it is.

Starting point is 00:17:24 This is actually where we got some of your sperm from. And, you know, that was because we weren't able to conceive you in the way that we had been trying to. The fact that she's gone further and then told you details that affect your daughter's life is completely irresponsible and really unfair. And I think that that would be where I would be starting. I mean, you've said that the school won't give you her details, but surely if they're at the same school and they're in the same year, I mean, hopefully, you know, someone who will know her, whether it's social media, whether it's whatever it is. Or you just wait out the front of the school to pick the kids up or something like there

Starting point is 00:17:59 is a way that you can contact that person. That's going to be done in front of the girls. I think that this needs to be done between the adults and it not involve the children because yeah, there's just so many things that a 12 year old should not be responsible for firstly keeping the secret and not passing that on to this other girl but also I don't think that they have the emotional complexity to actually understand those types of situations so it's cooked information for all for both of those kids yeah if it were me I would be finding a way around the fact that you don't already have her contact details and finding a way to get them

Starting point is 00:18:33 and I would be asking for a sit-down chat between the two of you not so much because you're like I didn't know that he was giving you sperm at the time more so much to be like why did you pass this information on to your daughter without consulting me first yeah and I think that's the bigger issue I mean the issue is obviously a big issue for you to go and unpack hey did he cheat on me at the time why did he do this behind my back but that I don't think is the biggest issue right now that's not the most important thing that you're facing the most important thing is what is happening to these kids they are at a very very impressionable age they are 12 years old both of them this is pretty big information it's very irresponsible of the mom to have done that

Starting point is 00:19:14 in the first place to her daughter it's her friend at school that is huge to be like hey that's your fucking half sister yeah and then not expect a 12 year old to go and tell the other girl like to dump that information on another 12 year old an unsuspecting 12 year old is absolutely massive i do agree that you need to sit down with with the parent but even if that's just to be like what the hell were you thinking? Do not say another word to my daughter until we figure this out what this is. Cause that is not the way to find out who your dad is. That is absolutely not the way to find out who maybe your half sister is. I mean, it makes me think about what kind of, I hate to say this out loud, but what kind of a mother would do that so irresponsibly and put

Starting point is 00:19:55 that on two 12 year olds without thinking that there might be repercussions from that and fall out from that. Like it's a, it's pretty obvious what that is going to do to a 12 year old to just dump that info on them, knowing that they're going about to go and blow up some other 12-year-old's life and her mum's life. Who's already experienced a lot and who has already had to go through things that like a 12-year-old shouldn't have had to. Totally. So I'm not surprised that you're absolutely rocked by this. I feel rocked by it and I'm just reading your question, but I think after you, you know, have found a way to reach out to her, you will probably need to come to a decision yourself about what you want to do regardless

Starting point is 00:20:35 of what information that other mum is able to give you. So like do you want to know whether they actually do share? Does it matter to you? Does it matter that they might potentially share biology? Does that impact the way that you view your previous partner who isn't around anymore to actually be able to tell you the details of the story or like, you know, you also don't know this sperm could have been donated and kept on eye like it could have been from years beforehand if it is

Starting point is 00:21:04 true it might not have been in the time frame that you're thinking it will be regardless it's weird when you are married you don't just go giving your sperm to other people without discussing you don't go and have kids elsewhere outside of the marriage without discussing it whether it's a donation or not but what i'm saying is that he might have actually done that five years beforehand nah no fucking you never know like you don't know and i i think you just need to come to a bit of an understanding within yourself of how much information do you want? Do you want the truth about this? Do you want to go down the path of kind of doing a DNA test and actually seeing whether there is legitimacy to what these claims are? For me, I'm just not sure that the truth,

Starting point is 00:21:45 and again, I'm putting that in quotation marks, would impact things for me. I don't think it would change the way that I would raise my daughter from then on. And so a part of me would wonder well what's it going to achieve well I think it impacts a lot well you've got two 12 year olds that go to school together now that could be sisters but you're not going to work out if they are that's really big on them but they're not sisters they weren't raised in the same family like they just share some biological information you can call it what you want they're sisters if that comes back just because they're not raised together biologically they're sisters and you would want to know that and I think I think the information that you have dumped on

Starting point is 00:22:21 a 12 year old of not knowing would be worse than knowing. You might do it, find out and do a DNA test and they're not. And then you just go about your life and you're like, wow, that was crazy that she's been in those lies. Like, let's not, let's stick clear of that maybe, but maybe they are and they, you are going to forge some kind of a new relationship with, you know, her half sister. Yeah, actually, you know what, you've just kind of made me think about the fact that 12 year olds sometimes make up shit to be dramatic and to kind of have an interesting life. We don't necessarily, really, I know that I've really just come down so hard on the other mum, but there is also a chance that the 12 year old girl is kind of making up some details, you know, taking some creative

Starting point is 00:23:00 liberties. Or maybe misinformation, maybe it did happen, but it was a different dad or a different guy. And maybe, you know, you've said that they've only gotten quite close this year, maybe in her kind of weird way, she thinks that it brings them closer to each other. Like you just don't really know. But I think your step one is that you absolutely need to have a sit down conversation And maybe going in initially how I was pretty fired up at the other mom isn't the best way to go about it. It's probably not the way that you're going to find a solution. Maybe you could kind of go to that mom and bring it up more as a like, hey, look, your

Starting point is 00:23:33 daughter has said this to my daughter and I don't know whether she just wanted to have this kind of closer relationship with her. I need to talk to you about whether there's any truth to this. And also if there is truth to it, why you felt that that was information that you could share without consulting me. That's how I would be going about it. But, yeah, I really, really bloody feel for you. And I'm interested to know, I mean, obviously,

Starting point is 00:23:56 it's hard for us because we don't have children of our own, so we can't really put ourselves in this position. But I don't know if there would be able to be many people who could put themselves in this position. No, but I feel like you still know what you would want to, you still know the impact of something like this on a 12-year-old, whether you're a parent or not. Like this is fucking huge.

Starting point is 00:24:11 But anyway. All right, next question. Underwhelming proposal. My partner recently proposed and I wasn't expecting anything big or over the top, just something thoughtful and meaningful. But the moment felt rushed, unplanned and unromantic and now I feel disheartened and oddly disconnected. I dread when people ask the proposal story and I find myself embellishing it. I feel really shallow for feeling this way but I can't shake it. Am I horrible? Should I tell him how I'm feeling or is that unfair to dump that on

Starting point is 00:24:44 him. I would really appreciate some guidance because I do feel guilty, confused, and pretty alone sitting with this. Oh, this is hard because people wait their whole life for an engagement, don't they? Yep. And I've actually had more than one friend in this exact position. Exact position. Definitely not me. Ben did well with the helicopter. And what I spoke about with these friends, there were a couple of things to it. one is that unfortunately you cannot go back and do this again so we kind of started to speak about the fact that did you have unrealistic expectations was this influenced by what you see on social media and the extravagance of the things that are now before our eyes that we used to never see like

Starting point is 00:25:28 it would just be a story that someone would tell about their partner proposing at a dinner that they went to and now it's like some of the shit you see on instagram about proposals is just the most over the top eccentric you know confessions of love that to me feels very over the top and too much I would hate it I remember people want that I remember I used to say I wanted a flash mob I could think of nothing worse but I think that was I think it was a joke I don't think I actually wanted it but that I've always wanted to be around a flash mob because I thought it would be really cool yeah so I think you know the way that I spoke to my friend about it or friends about this situation was did you have unrealistic expectations of what this moment was going to be

Starting point is 00:26:09 because of what you've seen and do we need to kind of do we need to peel that back a little bit and just bring you back down to ground for some of them that actually wasn't the case and for one friend the thing that she was most upset about is the fact that she is a really sentimental person she didn't want an over-the-top extravagant fireworks and all of this stuff that was expensive she wanted heartfelt she wanted a really beautiful speech she wanted pre-planning and thought that was really specific to her and not just this although I had the ring and so I kind of just figured like would go and do this and then I would just propose then if it felt right she was disappointed by the fact that because she's such a sentimental person and she's the

Starting point is 00:26:54 type of person who puts a lot of thought into gifts and into like special moments and anniversaries and all that kind of thing she had the expectation that her partner would know her well enough to honor that about her and do the same for their proposal the thing that's really hard is that you can't change it now it's happened and whether you're disappointed about it I just don't know what telling your partner the fact that you're disappointed about it is going to achieve well the thing here Keisha she's she's already said that she said that like I don't want anything big I didn't want over the top I wanted thoughtful and meaningful so she said all those things but I do think to me I really want her and we'll try and find out I want her to tell us what

Starting point is 00:27:39 happened what the moment was and how he proposed because to me it's giving like rolled over in bed seized an opportunity felt it in the moment and did it because she says it she says it felt unplanned which makes me feel like it's something that was really off the cuff and like oh I may as we'll do it now, the sun setting or whatever. She said unplanned and rushed and unromantic. So I'm getting like, I had a friend once that got proposed to on the spot because he said the feeling overtook him in that moment. And they were just like making jammed toast for breakfast. And something about that moment, he said, he looked at her and was like, I just want to marry her. I'm just going to ask her. Seems romantic, underwhelming. I understand that. And so I

Starting point is 00:28:21 think that this feels when she says rush unplanned unromantic I think it just feels like I wonder if you even had a ring like I wonder how much detail went into this so I would love her to tell me I don't think you should feel shallow or for feeling that way and it's hard to comment without knowing the exact situation but I think if it really was that underwhelming and you feel like they put no effort in I think that that is okay because there's not many big moments in life where you really want your partner to show up and make you feel so special and engagement is literally someone saying I'm choosing you for the rest of my life if there's supposed to be something romantic it probably should be that moment and romantic again doesn't mean the big fireworks

Starting point is 00:29:01 it doesn't have to be over the top but it needs to feel like a little bit of effort and thought was put into it not that you're just a side thought and like hey make sense let's just get married so I understand and want to validate that like if you if it really was that underwhelming and rushed that it's okay for you to feel like that. I don't think you have to feel guilty for feeling like that. I'm not sure embellishing the story is the right way to do it. Like I don't think lying to people about the engagement is the right thing, but I did find this really hard to answer in myself. I was like, I don't know if the right thing would be to tell him or if that is going to be a disaster to make him feel like a really shit person and a failure. But I asked Ben

Starting point is 00:29:41 And I said, hey, I read him the question and I said, if that was you as the man, would you want to know? Like, would you want me to say that it didn't hit the mark for me? And his answer really surprised me. He said, yes. Really? Yeah. He said, yes.

Starting point is 00:29:55 But he said, I think the way you say it is important. Okay. Benny is quite emotionally mature and he's very in touch with things like that. And he's a really great communicator. But he said he would really want to know if you felt that way because he wouldn't want you to sit on that forever and you can't redo it but it does give an opportunity for you to open up in the relationship of saying okay hey I thought that you were okay with that and you're not you need more in your relationship you need more romance or more thought and give him the chance

Starting point is 00:30:25 to not do it again but in a way know you better and and try and fix it in a way like maybe he will do something romantic in the lead-up to make you feel the love that you didn't feel at the time so he was like look you can't go to him and say like that was fucking shit do it again yeah but you can have a sit down and say hey I've really been thinking about it like did you like it felt like that wasn't really planned like was that something that just overtook you in the moment or you know I just I didn't really feel that special kind of you know it's the way that you say it but interestingly yeah Ben said that he would want to know because I probably would have gone down the track of saying it's done and you can't change it, move on. But it does make sense because

Starting point is 00:31:10 if you don't ever communicate those things with your partner about what you need in a relationship or your love languages, how you give and receive affection and communication and love, they're never going to know. But I just think choose your words very carefully. Yeah. I think it also might depend on the personality of your partner. So for example, I think a lot of the time we put ourselves in these situations and think about how we would do certain things and and some people just don't handle pressure in the way that we do some people are not good at speeches they get overwhelmed with anxiety and maybe there is an element that your partner actually had planned this big thing but they kind of fumbled it in the moment and

Starting point is 00:31:52 maybe they already feel a little bit embarrassed of themselves about that because they weren't able to kind of you know be as confident and as sure of themselves as what they would have liked to have been and so that would be my worry about bringing it up is if your partner firstly feels as though like if your partner feels differently to you and feels as though they did plan it and that kind of thing but then they really kind of fumbled it in the moment I just don't know what that's going to do to their sense of like ego you know like I think that that would be quite hurtful And I think that you might need to evaluate in your mind, what are the things that I'm actually feeling disappointed by and how would I be able to feel like those are rectified?

Starting point is 00:32:34 Like if it was the fact that he just got down on one knee, maybe he didn't even get down on a knee. Maybe he just said it to you as like a, Hey, how do you feel about getting married? I think it would be okay to go to him and say, I have always had this expectation that it would be a bit more of a romantic. you're going to tell me what's specifically good about me and the the point of doing that before you actually get married is that you might be able to change the fact that he'll be more like that in your vows or he'll be like that more of if you have an engagement party or that kind of

Starting point is 00:33:04 thing I think just maybe like you said Britt it's hard to know without knowing any more details I'm going to find out we are going to go and we're going to go back into DMs yeah I think you need to kind of work out within yourself what it is specifically that you're disappointed by and whether that is something that they will actually be able to rectify for you yeah and look you obviously said yes you guys love each other you've said yes and you're it's bothering you it's really bothering you enough to write into us and it does make sense like you know the way ben has said if you're never going to bring those things up it's funny because we say it all the time if you don't tell somebody how you're feeling they don't know we can't expect people to be mind readers

Starting point is 00:33:42 this just is more difficult because it's such a big moment like an impending moment that we also I can't expect people to be who they're not, you know, like if your partner is not someone who's really confident and all that kind of thing. No, I think that's bullshit. It's not about being confident. It's about like literally your partner might not be a romantic person, but you need to be able to step up for an engagement just because it doesn't come to you naturally. And like I had this conversation really early on with Ben where I was really big on moments

Starting point is 00:34:11 for him and like surprising him with stuff and more so than usual because we weren't physically together. so we would put a lot of effort in when we were together and he wasn't really reciprocating that like he was always very loving and I remember saying to him like hey like I'm always like surprising you with stuff and like trying to keep this really like alive and make you feel so loved and like I would love you to plan something for me as well like I'm feeling a bit like you aren't putting any thought or effort in and he was mortified yeah and he's like and he said the same thing he's like sorry that doesn't come naturally to me and I didn't even realize that

Starting point is 00:34:48 that was bothering you and he has been incredible ever since and it's not about money and it's not about over the top it's the thought and so like you know I would come back to a little note and something on the bed and just like just different little things and he's like I didn't know unless you thank god you know yeah and I think you are right where you say like a proposal is an exception yeah you know like we can't expect for people to become an entirely different personality type but they can put the effort yeah I do I also think that you are right in saying that Brit all right let's um we're gonna find out about that because I want I want that it's like an aftermath question number three is it normal to think about an ex I'm 32 and I have been with my current

Starting point is 00:35:29 partner for five years we've always had a solid stable relationship and have a one-year-old baby boy together I love my partner he's very kind loyal and reliable I feel safe and secure with him. He is a great dad and very committed to our family. However, our relationship lacks intimacy and physical connection, and it has since even before we had the baby. It often feels as though we are more friends and co-parents. We rarely have sex and minimal kissing and cuddling. My ex and I were together for six years from the ages of 19 to 25, so we broke up about eight years ago. I was deeply in love with him. We had a really strong connection and were absolutely crazy about each other. We had an amicable breakup because he had to move away for work

Starting point is 00:36:12 and so we decided to go our separate ways. As hard as I have tried to move on, I still think about him often after eight years and I'm so sick of it. I find myself looking back on our relationship and longing for that connection that we had. As much as I love my partner and our life together, I have this niggling feeling that my ex was the one or the love of my life, my penguin, the one that got away and it makes me really sad that I'm never going to feel that way again with my partner is this a common feeling to have and if it is how do I get over it no it's not common that's so funny my answer is completely opposite to yours no it's not common to think that they're the one that got away your first relationship it's common to think about next occasionally for sure

Starting point is 00:36:56 but to think that that person that you were with when you were 18 years old of course it's different you're 33 now with kids like it's a different relationship you were 18 years old the chemistry and the lack of responsibility makes it a different relationship you were in like the most freeing young all-consuming time of your life and it was your first love there is nothing like a first love like your first love hits different for the rest of your life it is not normal to be in a relationship and constantly think that you're with the wrong person and you should have been with that other person like I think that you need to take a deeper look at your relationship if that's the issue but I do think you are confusing things I think you are

Starting point is 00:37:42 remembering a relationship that no doubt was amazing and ended well and that is very important because there was no toxicity to it it was two people that grew apart because of life which I think is really important by all accounts it was a great relationship but it was a very young first relationship and it was eight years ago I do really think that when you say your partner you and your partner lack intimacy and you always have that is something that you can work on in a relationship exactly like we just said in the last question like it's a you've got to work out people's love languages and what you want and what you need and it's important if one isn't that kind of a person and one is that you talk about it and meet in the middle.

Starting point is 00:38:24 Like there's always a way to work around it. But I truly believe, and I've said this to some friends in the last week, I've had these conversations with people in my life, you cannot grow your garden at home if you are just like still planting all these other seeds elsewhere. And I'm not saying that you're planting anything. Well, it doesn't sound like she's acting on it.

Starting point is 00:38:48 It doesn't sound like she's reaching out. She's not, but her mind is. she's constantly thinking about him and if you are constantly thinking about him and having this internal battle in your brain of you are comparing your relationship you're like but that was so good and that was an amazing connection we were soulmates and the intimacy was good and I don't have that intimacy in this relationship does that mean that this isn't right because my ex would have never done that or my ex would have made me feel this way you're not watering your own garden like you need to figure out a way if you want your relationship to work to remember that moment of

Starting point is 00:39:17 your life fondly, but move on because you need to water what's at home. I truly believe that. And if what's at home isn't right for you, then it's a different story. But if you are wanting to make your life work now, I don't think you can have all these other doors open. I truly don't think it can because whether you think it is or not, it gets in the way of you focusing on what's right in front of you right now. So I feel really quite differently to you, Britt. And I think it's like there has been years and years of me speaking about this with friends and the fact that I know my brain is wired a little differently to the majority. Like that's my, I've been diagnosed with that. And I think that the one thing that really, really helped me, and I'm kind of talking

Starting point is 00:39:57 about like before the current relationship that I'm in, I had a relationship that I fell head over heels with someone. And then we went our own ways because of distance as well. And you hit the nail on the head. It's because things didn't end badly. This person was not, you know, my first love I think back on my first love and I have really positive experiences and I really still think of him in a very very good way I feel so differently about this guy because we were never able to get the closure we were never like we things still ended when we were in the goodness of the relationship and it sounds as though even though your relationship went for a long time it sounds as though everything was still great for you and you separated because of reasons that

Starting point is 00:40:42 you didn't necessarily have control over. And it is so hard to get closure when that is your situation. And for that reason, I think it is so easy to get caught in the trap of looking back on it with the most rose colored glasses that are so unrealistic to your current situation. And genuinely, hand on my heart, I have battled with this for years because I spent, I think, about three years after that guy and I broke up, every relationship I was attempting to get in, every person I was dating, I was comparing to him and I was comparing to our experiences and the fun that I had. And there was this part of me that was like, maybe that was meant to be my person. But the reality is, is that if you were still with that person, I genuinely believe

Starting point is 00:41:31 that you would probably be having the exact same issues that you are having now in your relationship biology has a lot to do with it we lose a lot of our sex drive as we get you know you've got a baby like things do change and the way that we view life and live life changes and so while you will think back on this previous person with such good positive feelings I don't think it's fair to compare your current situation to what that was because they're just you're comparing apples and oranges you're comparing yourself as a different person in a different relationship like you were a different person eight years ago to who you are now yeah early 20s is different to early 30s yeah yeah and and I think because you didn't have the closure of

Starting point is 00:42:13 that relationship ending because he was a bad person or because he cheated on you or because he put you through all these things and maybe you guys would end up in a dry spell as well like it's really really hard to grapple in your brain and and kind of go I don't think I'm remembering this with complete clarity oh yeah we also romanticize you know a hundred percent we pick and choose these beautiful memories and we kind of think and we forget about the little bits of insecurities that we might have had or some of the things that seemed more mundane and yet we compare our current situations that are very mundane because that's what real life is we compare it to these times where we had such rose-colored glasses so my answer to this is actually in my

Starting point is 00:42:56 experience with myself and my friends, I think it is quite normal to compare, you know, a previous situation if you didn't have closure from it to your current relationship. But I really encourage you to really, really sit down with yourself and be like, okay, I actually don't think I am being realistic about this comparison. Well, you're also saying, you know, like we have minimal kissing and cuddling. We rarely have sex. We feel like more friends than co-parents. You've also said you've been together for five years and have a one-year-old you are in the thick of it like yeah you know what you didn't have from the guy who left because he moved away for work stability you know what gets the little dopamine senses going lack of stability but you've also got to remember you you can't just

Starting point is 00:43:38 compare relationship to relationship you have to compare the whole holistic view of it when you are eight between 18 and 23 24 25 chances are you don't have hectic full-time jobs you're not in a huge amount of debt you don't have mortgages you didn't have a one-year-old baby your hormones are different you're not as tired like the relationship unequivocally is completely different when you were 20 years old to 32 with life stress societal pressures a baby and mortgages they're just different so you are more likely to be having sex and being intimate and having fun because you don't have the responsibility at that age so it's it's not just as simple unfortunately it's been like we used to laugh more we don't laugh as this relationship doesn't laugh as much like we were so

Starting point is 00:44:23 much more spontaneous then than we are now you can't compare it like that but it's very easy for our brain to do that yeah i do think that it is something in your relationship that you can work on for sure first of all rarely having sex you do have a one-year-old so that is not shocking most people that i know that have had kids family members friends they're a lot of them haven't aren't even having sex at all in the first year like very very sporadically because you don't feel like it and you don't want it the other part is you have said it's always been like that with this person so he obviously is maybe not an overly physical person or intimate person but that doesn't mean he can't be like that doesn't mean that you guys can't sit down and say that you need more

Starting point is 00:45:07 from it especially when you're lacking the sex part for now the other connection intimacy I think is really important. Just making sure you're checking in with each other. Intimacy doesn't have to be sexual. We've spoken about that a lot. So you might just not be feeling loved or desired or just getting anything else that you need physically, whether it's a neck rub, that extra cuddle, a kiss or whatever it is. But I do think, again, I said at the start, you need to be focusing on what is in front of you right now because that's what real life is. Yeah, I agree. And I think that we often confuse this desire for novelty with like a lack of intimacy at least for myself I do and one of the ways that I can kind of get that buzz back and get the happy

Starting point is 00:45:52 feelings back again is just by doing novel things which you probably did do in your past relationship because you were young and you were going and doing fun things that 18 to 25 year olds do and so that's even more of a stark comparison now that you have a very stable routined life and I'm not necessarily talking about like a sexual novelty I'm talking more about just the two things that I think really helped me and I hope can help you is firstly acknowledging the fact that you are comparing apples to oranges and I'm not just talking about the guys that you're with you're actually comparing yourself in a way that is not a fair comparison you're not the same person that you were back in that previous relationship so just getting a bit real

Starting point is 00:46:33 with that and just going I can't expect for this to feel the same as what it did because I'm not the same and my situation isn't the same and the other thing is bringing in a little bit more novelty to your relationship because the things that you were doing when you were like 18 to 25 are very different to what you're doing now eight years later well you know we think about what you used to do when you were 18 to 25 you used to be going and doing fun shit with your friends all the time you were going and checking out new things and like getting these new experiences and now you're in a situation where you're in life in a stable reliable which are really good qualities that you need to have in a long-term partner but you're probably also super in routine because

Starting point is 00:47:12 you've got a one-year-old together yeah but also relationships are work they take work they take effort they have highs and they have lows and they have monotony and that's all a normal part of it you're never going to be in a relationship for the rest of your life that doesn't have that and you're in that now you're in it but doesn't mean you have to be stuck in it but you do need to put effort into a relationship at times and now sounds like one of those times that you need to just like focus on home and work out what your issues are, why you have the issues and just literally put a bit of effort into it at home. I'm not saying you don't put effort into it, but you might not have had the conversation really openly and rawly with your partner about what's

Starting point is 00:47:47 lacking and what you need. But I can tell you one way it's not going to help is to be living in the past 10 years ago and thinking about what if, because what if is done? It's not real life. Yeah, I agree. Guys, that is it from us. We have to get out of here. Please keep your questions coming in, Ask Uncut to the DMs you can email them in if you want or you're accidentally

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Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Underwhelming Proposal. I Dread When People Ask The Proposal Story and I Find Myself Embellishing It

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