Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - What Am I Meant To Do With This Information?

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

Hey Lifers, Hope you had a nice Valentine's Day, and that you didn't deeply shame a certain gift that your partner was about to give you...like we did. Vibes for the week:Britt: Society of the Snow on Netflix Keeshia: Luc Longley: One Giant Leap on Australian Story Laura: Lover, Stalker, Killer on Netflix(sorry fam, can't link netflix because it takes you to the sign in page) Then we jump into your questions! Last night I had a dream about another guy. Nothing particularly scandalous happened but I felt guilty so I told my boyfriend and it upset him quite a bit. Is he overreacting or is it better to not tell your partner about a dream involving another guy? My partner of 5 years recently had some significant family troubles and it's taken a toll on his mental health. He's found himself thinking about his ex, and wondering whether his life was happier when they were together. He says he wants to be with me, but I'm wondering if this is a reflection of his current mental state or if it's a reflection on our relationship. My boyfriend is a corporate king on $500k+. Although, whenever he does the groceries he walks out and never pays.. or sometimes pays for only part. I’m talking about meat, fruit, veggies, yogurt, pasta etc.. substantial items.. not like picking a grape and quickly putting it in your mouth whilst shopping. This does not sit well with me. He does it because “no one’s watching, and why would I pay if I don’t have to?"  I think he also likes the “rush” he gets from it. He has very strong morals and values elsewhere and this can be seen a little off brand with the rest of his character. I’ve brought it up and said I don’t like it but he doesn’t see it as a big deal. I’m worried he’ll get caught and I also don’t want his young children to see this behaviour and think it’s right. Thoughts, opinions on how to navigate this? If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and this is Therapy Thursday. Well, do you know what? A real spanner has been thrown in the works because normally we record on a Wednesday,

but it's a Tuesday, a spicy little Tuesday the day before Valentine's Day. So, you know, really keeping you guessing. Do you know Valentine's Day comes around really quick and I feel like we only just spoke about it yesterday. To me, no. To me, I feel like last year was the longest year of my life. Why is that? I don't know. But when I think back of what was happening this time last year,

it honestly could be another lifetime ago do you think that's because you did dancing with the stars last year so like you danced for like two months so that i was that changes your life i was training yeah you were actually training and then you never did anything again literally i have not exercised since dancing with the stars i did dancing with the stars and i exercised so much i'm talking six hours a day i was a rig it was great you were ripped you looked by the time i mean I could see it slowly progressing over the dancing and by the time we went to watch you dance I was like this looks like a supermodel you have like a six-pack the longest legs I've ever seen in history you're like a daddy long legs I'm like how does dancing grow your legs no it just lifted

my ass it removed my ass from being on the back of my knees and brought it back up no and then you know we got a peloton have been doing that but now it's kind of a bit of a close horse at the moment you sporadically peloton i sporadically peloton but i'm trying to make it more like well no because matt that was my new year's resolution i was like i did the lame news resolution guys i was like hashtag fitness year of health then you nearly died and then i got pneumonia yeah and i was so good for the first week of january i was like i'm gonna be so fit and then i fell off the bandwagon and i haven't clambered my way back on yet so that's really quite you know spiraling out of control soon we're going to be in december and nothing's going to have happened i still think

you're doing okay but i remember so valentine's day so yes we're recording this the day before valentine's day i'm one of those people that's really annoying right like don't care about valentine's day has nothing to do with valentine's day don't like it don't love it but then also yes i want a present like like i don't believe in valentine's day but if someone was like i would like to get your present for valentine's day i'm not going to say no right but if i didn't get one it wouldn't offend me if that makes sense no i think that's a lie i think you know it wouldn't No, I think you say, I didn't get Ben anything for Valentine's. I genuinely do not care about Valentine's Day, one iota, but I love getting gifts.

So any day of the week you want to send me a gift, I'm never going to say no, but I will not be offended if I didn't get anything on Valentine's Day. What if you didn't get a phone call or a card or nothing and Ben just completely steamrolled through as though it didn't exist? I think he was dead. He calls me twice a day, every day. If he didn't call me on Valentine's Day, I'd be like, okay, he's died in his sleep or something.

But last year it made me laugh. so last year on valentine's day i don't think i told you guys this ben and i was still pretty new when i say pretty new actually four months but only like two months officially from when we actually knew each other but four months from when we no like three months like not even you met in december three months yeah cool yeah whatever but i only went over in december new year so yes it was very fresh it was probably only under two months so it was at that point where like you're obsessed with each other and you want to impress each other all the time and like you just whatever you're in the honeymoon phase and that was amplified by the fact that

it was long distance anyway last year on the valentine's day episode we did like your worst valentine's day gifts that's what we talked about the podcast and producer keisha and i were car pulling to work and that's when we're speaking to ben on the phone and i said hey ben we're talking about worst valentine's day gifts because it's valentine's day tomorrow have you ever had one like I'm trying to get some more gather some more information have you ever had one and he's like to be honest he's like I've never really had a Valentine's Day gift so I guess I haven't had a bad one and I said have you ever given a bad one and he was like no I don't think so I think I nail it and then he asked me and he's like what about you and Keish like have you guys ever had bad ones

or what do you think Keisha and I went into this rampage of what gives us the ick for a Valentine's Day present and we were like teddy bears like for me it's a no don't give a teddy bear on Valentine's day you do that when you're 12 years old i feel like we're past that adults don't need a teddy bear on teddy bears are an instant ick i agree i lent in and said it feels really infantile like it makes me feel like a child and that's a weird dynamic with someone you want to have sex like i went hard yeah so so we were going hard right and i was like ew why would you do that i would never let a man inside me after he's giving me a teddy bear then i also said the other thing i don't get why do people send flowers in a box fucking box flowers boxed flowers like a box send them with

the stems we can put them in a vase no one wants a big box with a bow sitting around their house i disagree i think that the book i know i don't want anything in a box that's not what i'm saying but the box protects them i think it actually is it's meant to be for a reason in the post you want it in your box no no no sorry give me a box to get in my box no no no no sorry i don't mean a box that protects roses like you've got long stem roses that comes in a box i mean it's a tiny box and the stem of the flowers is like five centimeters and you don't take the flowers out of the box into a vase they just live in the box i'm i know exactly what you're talking about like little box a little yes like they're vertical standing little white box that goes on the

bottom and all the flowers are sitting it's just like half a box it's not a box flower yeah they've got that like mesh stuff that you stab the stems yeah yeah they stay there yeah i don't know what that's called so for me it was box flowers right i don't get the point give me a teddy bears yeah and then on top of that as a joke it's not the end of the world but like you know sometimes roses still trigger me okay went on the bachelor got dumped on national tv whatever so keisha and i are going hardcore to been on the phone talking about how much we have the icks of these things and then bless his soul he doesn't say anything he's like oh oh interesting and then the next day on valentine's day to my house which was already pre-ordered turns up a box a box of roses in the

shape of a giant teddy bear shut up you couldn't script it you could not script it everything i had said in one and when wikisha and i are going hardcore to him in the phone he knew that that's what he'd ordered he was like oh my god i just thought it was a funny thing he could have been satire he could have been like what could i get brit that would really trigger her and i felt genuinely terrible that's why i didn't talk about it last year on the podcast because i was like i feel so bad but now he and i laugh about it all the time so i think it's funny i was still very appreciative of the present i just felt horrific that i was like i just told this guy all these three things that i hate and he sent them to me but he'll never make that mistake again can i tell

you what else happened i convinced him that i loved it right i was and i'm talking this was hard dude it's about half a meter tall it's a big rose teddy bed box thing it's fucking huge anyway so i put it on the counter and i'm like you're like i can't wait for them to die yeah so i was like i absolutely love it anyway a week goes past and i've thrown them out and he goes show me the flowers how are they going i said oh babe i'm so sorry i just threw them out today because they died and he goes that's interesting i said why and he goes oh because they said that they preserved them for three months they're flowers that are like cut and sprayed so that they don't die and i was like no they definitely they definitely wilted get your money back yeah i was like cool

we sound okay we sound ungrateful i know that's what i'm saying there will be someone listening to this who's like i would love to receive a teddy bear and some flowers and i know i get it no look you want presents someone's yum some people would get off on a teddy bear and box flowers and that's fine but for me it's my undies are on with that yeah also sorry to the florists who make them i know that you've had a very very busy day yesterday and you work very hard yeah this is true i have nothing against florists it's not about them no it's not you go where the demand takes you if people are buying teddy bears you get the teddy bears if people are boxing if people want a box you get a box we're just saying you know maybe i like a little bit more of like

an organic shape to my flowers my okay my issue is here we go this is the last one and then i'll stop with the flower bashing I just don't like a rounded posy I don't want like a perfectly round top of a posy like a little bit of an organic shape deconstructed throw some I don't know we're very hard to please that saying that it's the thought that counts I really believe that so while it's not something that I would have picked ever in my life in the history of my life I still appreciated that he sent me something and thought of me so it's like of course you're never going to dislike it's like when people get an engagement ring that they hate like we've had so many people running being like i hate my engagement ring what do i do but obviously i love him and don't want to

hurt his feelings it's the same thing it's the thought that you want to marry me and you went out and picked this and you love it that you're gonna have to put up with it no see my debate with this though and i genuinely mean this as someone who makes engagement rings as a living like you know and i work with couples to make them the reason why i don't agree with that is because often it's not the thought they're not being thoughtful they're picking a ring that they like not realizing or not knowing anything about their partner's style or even worse we've had people come in and be like, she likes this, but I prefer this. So I'm going to pick this. And I'm like, you know what? An engagement ring isn't the time for you to flex your star muscle. And that's

why I think sometimes when people get it so deeply wrong, it's actually the opposite to the thought that counts. It's the thoughtless present that makes you feel as though your partner doesn't know you. I feel like if it's the wrong color metal, that's really a red flag. They're down on one knee and you wear gold and they've got white gold or the reverse. That would be a little bit of a question mark. I still stick by this. I think sometimes you don't have to be grateful for every single gift that you get given if it is a thoughtless gift that's all and I'm not saying that you should be ungrateful for being thought of but sometimes it's the lack of thought it's the like we said on Tuesday's episode it's the people buying flowers at 4 p.m on Valentine's

Day and it's like whatever's left over at Woolies that's not a thoughtful gift just give nothing in that case speaking from the person who gave nothing this year so forever anyway let's do our vibes and unsubscribes brit what have you been vibing this week so my vibe this week is a netflix show but it also has been made into a book and it is a true story and i've also listened to podcasts on it now i listened to podcasts on it a long time ago and i know i recommend the old like podcast crossover to netflix a lot but i genuinely enjoy a show once i know a story better and i love to see it now it's called society of the snow i don't know if you guys have heard about it it is absolutely brilliant it is about i don't know if

you remember hearing this it is about the plane crash in the andes mountains in 1972 that had 20 30 people on it they were all school age kids and had some teachers now this is a true story obviously it crashed into the andes mountains and it's the story of survival in literally the harshest coldest most horrific conditions so some of them died straight away and about 16 of them survived and nobody could find them for a ridiculously long time and they ended up having to eat each other i remember this story this is so awful yeah so they've made it into a show that was brilliantly done so society of the snow the way it tells the story i think they did it in a really respectful way like when you think about it people lost their lives and their friends

really did eat them to survive it's a horrific story but i think that the way that this was filmed and directed and produced did a really really good job producer keish what do you got this week so on sunday night i went to the basketball to see the hawks play the kings and I sent you guys a photo while I was there of someone that I was lucky enough to meet and neither of you knew who he was. I knew he was a basketballer but I didn't know who he was but I wrote what and then I was like that covers everything that covers what I know this is and also like what that's crazy and I was like just let that one go. So we were sitting in the second row and all of a sudden this really tall person sat down in front of me so I couldn't see

much and initially I was like you know I can't see the game and it took me about three seconds until i was like wait a second holy shit is that luke longley and the reason that i was so excited is because keisha really likes tall men which she likes basketball she likes men who are disproportionately large to her that's actually yeah there you go she likes to be at the height of their dick she's like you have to be seven foot plus because i'm five oh my days so remember back in 2020 when the last dance went huge on netflix it was all about the chicago bulls and focused a lot on Michael Jordan so there was another player in that team who was quite behind the scenes but you know the people behind the scenes that are actually very very impactful to

the success of any team Luke was one of those people so he played throughout the 90s he was there for their three consecutive championships he was their starting center so he was one of the main players and he grew up in Fremantle in Western Australia in the Netflix docuseries of The Last Dance he wasn't featured you can see him in little cutaway shots and as it turns out there were quite a few people that were a little bit miffed about this and I think Luke may have even been quite personally disappointed that he wasn't included in the docuseries or anything about him wasn't really a part of it. So Australian Story the ABC program that do docuseries on really impactful Australians did this two-part series on him in 2022 and I had seen it and it's called

luke longley one giant leap part one is 32 minutes and part two is 34 minutes so it's not very long but what was quite interesting about it is that they got interviews from both michael jordan and scotty pippen australian story don't pay anyone to come on the program and we're talking about michael jordan like this guy doesn't do anything for less than like a hundred million dollars like he's worth a lot of money and he gave a 30 minute interview for free to the australian broadcaster for Australian Story. So yeah my recommendation for this week is the two-part series on ABC iView which is the app I checked last night it is still available it is really really good it shows how Luke was such a different player he was the first Australian to ever play in the NBA he wasn't this

really competitive gritty person he's quite a calm and collected and warm person and he still is that person I mean I met him on Sunday for the first time and I just thought he was such a lovely man a real gentle giant and that was in massive contrast to how michael jordan wanted the team to operate so they didn't always get on they didn't always see eye to eye and so if you liked the last dance and you want to know about the australian who contributed to it it's on youtube and it's on abc ivy well i have another thing for you to watch so you guys are getting a lot of tv time like everyone doctor your screen time this week i watched the new documentary that's out on netflix it is called love a stalker killer it is fucking brilliant so it's all around a man in the

States who was stalked by a lover. It goes over many years. It's so thrilling and there are so many aspects to this and I think you don't ever really hear about female stalkers because statistically it is not as common but this had such a profound impact on his life and obviously as you can tell from the title Love a Stalker Killer you are left questioning throughout the series as to whether there is or isn't a murder involved and when I say series it's actually just one episode it's a fascinating story it really had us on the edge of our seats and i just put it on because it was like there i was like oh that's the next thing netflix is recommending it's trending and did not expect to be as absolutely hooked as what i was it is brilliant

and i would say put that at the very top of your list if you're wanting to watch something this week because it has just come out and fucking wild it is on my list because i've seen it keeps recommending it to me it's so i'm like i'll watch that it also i mean i think in terms of what i found fascinating about this is like, you know, sometimes you think about stalkers and you think surely that they would lose steam, right? Like surely over time, something more important would come up in their life. And I think for me, the thing that I just couldn't, it was almost unbelievable was the layers and the levels to which this person went to over so many years, it had become their fixation to ruin his life. It's a very, very sad story, but it's so incredibly

well done, the storytelling of it. Question number one. Last night, I had a dream about another guy nothing particularly scandalous happened but I felt guilty so I told my boyfriend about it it upset him quite a bit is he overreacting or is it better to not tell your partner about a dream involving another guy don't tell him don't fucking tell okay if you are getting reamed in your dreams do not wake up and roll over and say hey honey oh my god so wild I feel a bit guilty about this but I was a dream fucked last night I was fucking David in my sleep last night don't tell someone that because all that does is it breeds insecurities that maybe you're thinking about them in real life which obviously we all know that dreams and your real thoughts don't

have to correlate like I've had sex with many people in my dreams that I would literally never have sex with in my real life but like sometimes you can't control your brain just goes there and then you wake up in the morning you're like that was weird do I have a crush on them no I don't oh thank god i don't really sex dream a lot don't you no no and it's funny the only sex dream i've had was with a female friend ages ago and i wasn't and i and i woke up feeling so awkward and i hadn't even seen that friend in a while so dreams are weird but what would you do if you'd had a sex dream about me would you tell me to quit would you tell me or would you not tell me i couldn't look at you though i'd have to do the podcast looking over here at the wall i mean we've

spoken about my labia so much on the last episode i would feel surprised it hasn't happened yet i'd feel viscerally uncomfortable if i had a dream about sex which what if you had to dream about sexing me oh okay i'm pretty good actually i know i know i know i know i have no doubt i have no doubt but i know what i'm doing in the sack laura it would be like having sex with my sister okay let's go back to the question that was that was a derailing that i didn't need let's go back to the railing okay so you got railed in your dream no actually i don't even know if she did laws because she says nothing particularly scandalous happened. So I reckon maybe she was just like flirting with a guy or something.

So I'm wondering if she's just said, oh, my God, like old mate was in my dream last night and he happens to know him. But what are you going to gain from that? Because your boyfriend is going to sit there and think, cool, she's going to bed and we know that this isn't how it works but he's going to think she's going to bed thinking about someone else. She's dreaming about someone else and now she's telling me about someone else. Is there something going on?

we do this sometimes in relationships where we feel something remember feelings are not always fact like you know you're going to feel many things you wake up feeling guilty or you feel stressed or you feel upset about something and what we can sometimes do is impart that feeling because we want to get rid of it right we don't want to keep that feeling anymore so then we give it to our partners you said exactly that you woke up feeling guilty and so therefore you wanted to be honest with your partner firstly you have nothing to feel guilty for when it's a dream but by passing that on your partner is going to have a reaction to it right like he's going to have some sort of feeling towards the fact that you felt guilty you shared this information and

his feeling is like he feels insecure or it feels weird that you thought that that was necessary to tell him so I don't think his feelings are an overreaction I think you needing to tell him everything that you think or dream is an overreaction all that does is it creates insecurities when insecurities don't need to be there. But I also believe that you shouldn't feel guilty for what you dream. But totally. You're unconscious.

Like you are unconscious. And sometimes you dream things in situations you've never even been in or people you've never even had anything to do with. You cannot control that. I think just roll with it. Wake up and be like, that was fun. That was wild.

I agree with you, Britt. But that's what I mean by it creates a bigger situation. Imagine if Ben woke up and I think like anyone put themselves in that position. Imagine if your partner woke up and said, oh my god I had a really intense sex dream about xyz all that's gonna do is put a thought in your head it doesn't need to be there because you and I and everyone knows that dreams are not real but like it's the same thing I mean fuck I take it out on Matt if I have like a dream where he's

cheated on me I'll wake up in the morning and be like dream Matt sucked last night and he goes oh god what did I do and I'm like dream Matt was he was a naughty boy and he did this this and this but it doesn't actually impact our real life and I think those things are very weird see if Ben if that happened that situation and ben woke up and was like hey had sex with this chick in my dream last night crazy i wouldn't be upset that he had sex with someone in his dream i'd be upset that he told me so i don't get jealous of people's dreams like there's nothing positive that i can do that information keep your dream sex to yourself to yourself yeah don't pass your feeling of guilt onto me whatever feelings you have when you wake up the next day i don't need to know about it

100 just go to sleep the next day and start again yeah question number two my partner and i are in our 30s and have been together for five years and living together for the past three in the last year and a half he has had some significant family troubles that's taken a toll on his mental health and he is most likely depressed and working on ways to improve this he has found himself thinking about his ex-girlfriend and wonders if a life with her might have been happier he also has been feeling unfulfilled and having thoughts and uncertainties about his current career that used to give him a lot of purpose. They have not been in contact at all since they broke up and he doesn't plan on reaching out to her. He tells me he loves me and wants to keep working on this

relationship. I guess I'm having trouble figuring out if his current thought processes and considering of his past relationship is simply a reflection of his mental state slash potential depression and if it's something that will get better with time or if this has more to do with our relationship I don't like this at all and I know that she's pre-loaded it with like you know he's had a tough time with his family he's got mental health issues but I don't think that is an excuse to go to your partner and say I think about my ex and wonder if I'm happier with her that's not cool at all and I don't care what the situation is it's only cool if you are then going to follow it up with I don't think we should be together like if you are thinking about your ex

more than your current partner enough that you go to your partner and tell them i wonder if i'm happier with somebody i was with before you what do you think is going to happen in your relationship what do you think your partner is going to think what's the point what's the purpose unless you're going to make a decision to say i need to go and find out because now you are never ever going to stop thinking about that you're going to be like everything i do you're going to be walking around on eggshells because you're like i know that like that he could potentially leave me because he think something's better if somebody comes to me and said I think I could be happy with my ex fucking go get them then go and find out like if somebody literally comes to me and said that if I

am not enough for you right now to the point that you feel the need to tell me I would say figure it out and we can talk about it later but I'm not going to sit here while you I'm an art and I'm currently the best thing in your life so you'll keep me around because I'm good enough but not not the best it's really cruel it's cruel but the way that you described that Brutus there when you said that it makes you walk on eggshells because what he's doing is he's saying I'm committed but I'm seeding you with doubt I'm making you feel as though this isn't stable and it almost is like you get to a point in yourself where you almost feel grateful that they're still choosing you you're like you know he has these thoughts but like he's still here it's such a way of manipulating

without him necessarily intentionally meaning to do it but you're manipulated into feeling sorry for him in so many ways. And I guess part of this that I really think that we should recognize is that depression presents itself in many ways. And I don't think that we can just completely gloss over and be like, oh my God, he's an asshole. He's this. He very well may be going through depression and he very well may be going through a challenging mental state in terms of whatever's happened in his family. You haven't gone into details. When you are in that phase of life, you can sometimes lack empathy for how the things that you say will impact other people. that's a very real thing because you don't feel anything yourself so you don't feel anything about

the way in which other people feel around the things that you do and say too that could be a possibility but it doesn't mean that you need to be in a relationship where someone is cruel with the things that they say even if depression is a participating factor and I think ultimately the way in which he's set up this conversation of being like well I wonder if I would have been happier but I'm gonna stay and not do anything about it it makes you feel as though you're second best and you know things may get better in time if he's going and getting treatment but I guess the big questions I would be asking myself and this is what is he doing what is he actually doing on a day-to-day or a week-to-week to try and improve his mental health to try and overcome

this depression that he's feeling is he going to a therapist has he been medicated you know what are the solutions that he has and does he recognize that there's a problem because there's a very big difference between being made to feel as though the depression is what's causing this or being made to feel as though you are the problem. The relationship is the problem. It could be the case that the only way for him to find out whether the relationship is the problem is by not having it anymore. And if all of these feelings are still there when you're not there, well, that's going to be a real indicator that actually it wasn't the relationship. It was him and the things that he was experiencing, but it's not your job to convince someone that the relationship you have

now will be better than the one that he could have had with his ex. Totally. And I'm a hundred not taking anything away from the feeling of depression but when you are in that position there are going to be times in a relationship where one person has to show up 80% of the time because one only has the capacity for 20 knowing that in the future that will flip and you're allowed to have your 20% and they'll have the 80 and they'll show up for you but in this situation that's not happening obviously there are a lot of other problems that he's experiencing in the relationship and he's not able to show up in a lot of ways but he's also not relying on you and bringing it together he's actually making it worse he's saying I'm thinking of someone else

in my lowest time and that's what I'm thinking about like the person in when I should be thinking how am I going to get through this for you with you together what can we do how can I lean on you it's not he's gone to somebody else and I think that's where the problem lies well I the reason why he's doing that though is because often when you're in a low state you think about times when you were happy maybe he attributes a happy time in his life to six years ago seven years ago and that was a time when he was with his ex it's not that his ex made him happy it's just that he didn't have all these other contributing factors that you are now dealing with in your relationship because of whatever else has happened that's influenced him my big thing about this and i

want to tread carefully because i know that depression is such a sensitive topic for anyone who has been the partner alongside someone with depression or the person who has had it themselves it is not as simple as being a get out of jail free card it doesn't mean that you can treat anyone the way that you want to treat them because you have depression however sometimes that is the byproduct because it is hard to have empathy when you are already in such a dark place yourself it's hard to care about other people's feelings when you don't feel anything so i'm not saying he's being intentionally cruel but the things he's saying are cruel things to say and they will impact your relationship even if you are the most supportive loving stable all of those things

it still has an impact on you and that's okay as well the only thing that I would say is the fact that it is affecting his work he's not showing up to his work that used to give him a lot of purpose with any sort of joy he's not showing up to your relationship with joy that to me says these are pretty clear indicators of depression and he needs to be taking some responsibility and doing something about it so I guess it's up to you to kind of look at the relationship from an aerial perspective and go what can I forgive as being not his behavior but something that's happening to him what is it that he's saying that's very different to how he normally would be but also what is he doing to try and improve this situation and if he is doing lots of things and you guys are working together then I

would say give it time if he's not doing anything if he's blaming you if he's not taking responsibility and nothing's changing then I would say you're in a position where nothing will change and so I wouldn't be giving it the time or the energy what I do recommend is sitting down and actually having a conversation with him about why try to get there for him say okay I'm not gonna lie this doesn't make me feel very good to know that you're yeah to know that you're thinking about her like a why did you feel the need to tell me because you're at the point where you want me to know so we have the conversation so that you can potentially leave. Go a little bit deeper. Why do you think you're thinking about her? Do you think it's just because you feel so down in your life right now

that you are grasping for past happier times? Do you think you're thinking about it because you're unhappy in this relationship? Is that a direct byproduct of the fact that you're feeling down or are you genuinely unhappy in this relationship? Why are you unhappy in this relationship? I think just a really honest conversation to get to the bottom of it because maybe he hasn't figured that out for himself either whatever that reason is I don't know but he's voiced them for a reason so maybe he does want to have that conversation and maybe that is something you can get to to the bottom of it together you have been together for five years so you are going to have hard conversations it doesn't mean he necessarily wants to leave and you could get back to being

better than ever but you need to just have a really open communication it's so lame to always be like communicate but it's definitely the foundation of every relationship if you don't completely understand why you can't make a rational decision yeah but also it goes back to what we said in the first question though and i think sometimes people trauma dump he's had thoughts and feelings and he is sad and feels a certain way and so he was like well i'm going to tell you i've been thinking these things what are you meant to do with that information that information is so damaging to how you feel in your relationship it's so damaging to your feelings of respect stability reassurance all the things that you need to feel secure in your relationship it has undone all of

that and so I think you are completely entitled to feel the way that you feel and I think it is important to to really understand how much support can you give someone and where does your personal boundary lie because there's only so long that a relationship can be one-sided you cannot be in a relationship where you're made to feel as though you're second choice question number three my boyfriend is a corporate king with a very healthy salary i'm talking 500k plus although whenever he does the groceries he walks out and never pays or sometimes he'll only pay for part i'm not talking about where you put like a capsicum through and say it's an apple i'm talking meat veggies yogurt pasta the full shop substantial items he just walks out he just walks straight through self-serve

yep this does not sit well with me the point is he's not struggling financially he does it because no one's watching and why would i have to pay for it if i don't have to i think he also likes the rush that he gets from it he has very strong morals lol he has very strong morals and values everywhere and this can be seen a little off brand with the rest of his character i've brought it up and said i don't like it but he doesn't see it as a big deal i'm worried he'll get caught i think it's bad juju lol and i also don't want his young children to see this behavior and think that it's right thoughts and opinions what a dick knob what a loser okay it's very okay i have many feelings about this but the thing that sorry i'm sure he's a great guy in every other it was a loser

this is the biggest ick imagine being in a relationship with someone who earns five hundred thousand dollars a year and he's got to steal yogurt that is like the top one percent of incomes he's a loser the thing i've paid about this is that if he was homeless if he was impoverished if he was somebody who needed to steal from a shop to be able to get by he wouldn't be able to do it because he would walk in there and people would be like what's that person doing i'm going to keep an eye on them the reason why he's able to do it and get away with it so seamlessly is because he looks like someone who wouldn't do it he looks like someone who has everything that they need because he does have everything that he needs because he earns five

hundred thousand dollars a year and so he's able to just cruise on by and doesn't get questioned it's embarrassing that that is where he gets a rush from and for me on the scale of massive crimes does it sit that highly no it's just a huge ick though like to be dating a guy who can't pay for yogurt because he enjoys getting away with something that is seemingly a bit naughty but it's not yogurt it's an entire shop is he just wheeling what's he doing putting the shops just wheeling the whole shopping cart out the door and just being like thanks and walking off like is it the confidence for me morals is such a huge part of a relationship and this would be the i couldn't date him i could not date somebody that was putting a whole shopping cart of food in and

walking out when you know you have money you also have kids that are looking up to you like are your kid are you doing the shopping with your kids i think the other part though is like it says a lot about when you say he's actually got great morals in other areas it says a lot about the type of person when people do things because they can get away with it I actually think that that's a real indicator of pretty shitty morals and I kind of liken it to people who talk badly to wait staff if you think you can get away with something so therefore you do it then that doesn't actually mean that you have very good morals it means the only reason why you don't do things is because you think you'll get caught yeah and I think that that's not the litmus for the type of relationship

i'd be in like that to me i'd be like okay well and i know it's a big stretch but i'm like well would you just cheat if you thought you couldn't get caught like what are the other things that you would do in this relation and you know maybe that is a stretch but like what are the other things that you would do in your character because you know you can get away with it at the end of the day it's a boundary for you what are you okay with and because we're not going to tell you to break up with him we're not going to tell you to stay we can't tell you that but you have to decide within yourself what is a boundary you're okay with and is this crossing it like is he going to walk into an appliance store and walk out with a washing machine like what's next where's the end

no the thing that's annoying about this situation is like he probably will get caught one day they probably will in instance where he walks out and doesn't pay for something but he'll just be able to be like oh my god i'm so sorry how embarrassing i forgot and get away with it because of the situation the way in which he's going about it and also because of how he would dress and present and all those things, he would be able to play that off and get away with it, which is so infuriating because he's not going to learn the lesson. And I say this as someone, I can, this is embarrassing, but like the other day I had both kids in the pram. I put through a whole trolley of food. And then I was like, well, that's me done. And went to walk out. And the guy was like,

you haven't put your card through. And I just was distracted with the kids. I was like, you're this guy. I was like, how embarrassing. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. But he knew he was standing there and he saw my kids trying to like open food and get stuff out. But that's exactly what someone could do if they weren't being genuine to be able to get away with it. I understand why it's something that you're like, it just doesn't sit right with me. I think it goes beyond bad juju. It just kind of shows the type of person that he is. Totally. Which is gross. Ew. Anyway, guys, that is it from us for Ask Uncut. If you have a question for next week, slide into the DMs at Life Uncut Podcast, send in your question. We love the juicy, saucy,

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