Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - What ended up on the cutting room floor of The Challenge?

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

Hey lifers,In today's episode, Britt shares what caused her to kick off on The Challenge this week and why so much of the dialogue had to be left on the cutting room floor.Then we jump into your deep, dark and burning questions and today they're a bit deeper and harder to answer than others.My partner and I have been together for 3 years. We have a 5-month-old baby. My best friend lives with us and has done for the past 2 years. She recently went MIA and finally told me why. When I was out with the baby my partner approached her, exposed himself and asked her to give him a blowjob. As this was unfolding, I arrived home and he left the room asking her not to tell me. When approached he denied it at first before admitting what he had done. My question is do I stay and try to work it out for our baby so we can try to be a family? Or do I leave? The friendship has been ruined as I can’t look at her without the reminder of what my partner did to her. I know she did the right thing but it’s still affected the friendship as I feel my partner would prefer her over me and it is embarrassing that my partner did this.I spend quite a lot of my money of beautiful clothes which I’ll hire out to people online for some extra cash. I love fashion and I see value in doing that for me. I have a friend who constantly borrows outfits whether that’s something more casual up to expensive formal dresses. It started out as a once off and I didn’t charge but now she constantly hits me up. She recently borrowed an expensive set of mines and hasn’t washed or dry cleaned it. I now have to do this. Is this situation my fault for not charging in the first place or am I getting taken advantage of? What’s reasonable?My boyfriend of 10 months took a video of us having sex and didn’t ask me. In the past when we’ve had sex, we have both agreed to film part of it. However, this time, in doggy, I turned around and he had his phone out. I asked what he was going he told me he was filming. In the moment I said, “ask me next time”. But now I don’t know whether I should have a bigger conversation with him or whether I’m overreacting to this whole situation.If you have a question you'd like to ask, you can send it in to us at lifeuncutpodcast on instagram!You know the drill, tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany.

And this is our Ask Uncut episode where we answer all your deep, your dark and your burning questions. But before we get into answering all your questions... We've got some other stuff to nut out, don't we? Oh, Brittany Hockley, I feel very defensive. Like I want to protect you and give you a great big hug. Now I want to talk to you about The Challenge, the reality TV show that you're on at the moment and something that happened on Monday night's episodes. If you've been following along, Brit is on, I mean, it's on channel 10. It's a very unusual reality TV show that seems to have

a lot of moving parts. It does. And I think it looks unusual. I think the reason you say unusual or is as a viewer and I was on there, but the editing seems to be strange in terms of large chunks are taken out and it happens very quickly. Like all of a sudden you're at the house to the bar to the challenge it's just so fast moving i mean if you're trying to watch the challenge and do something else at the same time it's the world's most confusing show good luck okay but the thing that i want to talk to you about and it's something that we touched on very briefly on our radio show last week is some drama that has been going down in the house with you and a few other people and ryan gallagher now if you're not familiar with who ryan gallagher is

he was from maths a couple of seasons ago he actually came off pretty well on maths i would say because so he was partnered with Davina and Davina got embroiled in the cheating scandal so he was like the wounded lover well that got left by Davina yeah and I think at the time everyone was like oh poor Ryan we all love him okay newsflash we don't love him anymore but okay the reason why we don't love him is because Brit you had a really challenging experience with him in the house but also that kind of came to light on Monday's episode I just want to say as somebody who knows you very, very well, who has seen you interact with many different kinds of people, I would say that you're a particularly easygoing person to get along with. I would also say that

when it comes to reality TV, and you have proven this from The Bachelor and also from Bachelor Paradise, you were quite adverse to the drama, which is also why you hardly ever get any fucking airtime. Always. I never get airtime. You never get airtime. I hate it. But on Monday, we saw something different. We saw you go from zero to a hundred in terms of your reaction to something, which seemed unusual which was hard to watch it did look like I went from zero to 100 especially if you know me I never yell but I was so enraged and the reason it looks like I went from zero to 100 is there is so much that was cut out which is just a part of editing right we filmed for 24 hours a day one to two hours gets put in the reason there was so much of that fight cut out

is because it was so inappropriate from Ryan's behalf that it just couldn't air that is why it had to be taken out so you have to imagine there is a reason I was this mad and it's funny producer Keisha sent me a message after it and she said wow I can only imagine what would have gone down to see your reaction like that because it looks like you just blew up out of nowhere that makes me upset because it out of context you don't understand it right you don't get to see what it is but the whole house knows everyone knows we all said it there's no way that scene can air because he was just too inappropriate so what was some of what happened that we didn't see are you able i mean i know that there is fucking confidentiality and everything else but from

being able to tell your side of the story what was it that we didn't see and i actually feel so uncomfortable talking about it that's the word i i want to use for ryan he makes me so uncomfortable he made me so uncomfortable in the house made me uncomfortable to be around him i would see him in the corridor i would literally want to turn around and walk away he said in that scene you see him say you're all pieces of shit and I don't care about you he goes I don't care about anyone in here you're all pieces of shit you mean nothing to me I think pretty sure that was a quote you can imagine what was coming before that for that to be the tie-up he had just tried to fight Conrad physically fight and made some really inappropriate jabs to Kieran as well

he had made very inappropriate comments to Connor he had taken Brooke J aside and abused her much like he had taken me aside and abused me and I'm not going to go into detail on that because I'm not going to speak on anyone else's behalf but there were multiple people in that house so he just made so uncomfortable I called him a bully in the show and I called him a pig because I genuinely feel like they were the words to describe him that's how he made me feel in the house it was to the point that I tried to leave the show purely because of Ryan he made inappropriate sexual jokes he was just the most inappropriate person and I'm not going to go into detail with a lot of it because it's just not worth it but you know that my reaction and other people's reactions on the

show were for a reason he provoked people it's almost like he got off on it it's just unlike anything I have ever seen I don't quite know how to describe him do you think that like I mean in terms of the edit obviously he's not come across well but do you think that he's been given a good edit in terms of how he behaved absolutely so much has been taken out of what he did and said it wasn't just me that wanted to leave at one point I think there were probably four or five people they sort of had to stop the show for a minute like they had to call the bosses in he got a warning I don't know why they didn't make him leave there were four or five people that were like we're gonna mass walk out because of this one person it was actually

crazy and then we had this big chat with everyone he was given an official warning the only reason I'm talking about this now is because he's come out again saying that I'm a bully and I'm mean and I'm just not about it I'm like if you want to be a dick own it you know like well also he did come out and say actually do you know what no I'll read it for a quote because I don't want to put in words in anyone's mouth now this comes from news.com this is an article that was released this morning which is I mean it's Tuesday now it said we have nothing in common this is Ryan Gallagher speaking about the Batchy Alliance we have nothing in common and I'm not afraid to ruffle a few feathers I actually bloody enjoy doing it at the end of the day it's

a game yeah see I enjoy doing it and that was so evident he literally got off on making people uncomfortable and upset everyone thought everyone was friends right like everyone thought he was inappropriate and whatever else but it's almost like he could keep up the facade for the first little while and then it was like we're in there too long and his true colors came out because no one ever did anything to him no one the only thing that could have possibly provoked him and turned him this way was that I put him up for elimination which is very standard I mean it's literally a core part of the show and like someone has to be eliminated it's okay for Ryan to make the quote it's a game, but then when anyone else does it, all of a sudden it's the worst thing in the world.

So Connor and I very diplomatically, very politely, we put him in for elimination and then he just lost the plot. But obviously you're going to put someone up for elimination who's not part of your alliance. Like, you know, it doesn't mean that it's a personal thing, but it does mean that it's pointed because there's a strategy behind trying to get someone out in the game. And there's a reason you can see little snippets throughout the show. There's a reason that the majority of the house was on one side slash alliance and that ryan emily grant and sugar were on the other side now i don't have anything it's bad to say about the other guys ryan was the one that had the problem with or that had the problem with me for no reason beyond me i do think until now or even

now actually we're seeing this show play out the editing has been really good for ryan in the reality shows that he has done and i can see that unless he has kept this to himself and it's not editing and he's never been able to let it out maybe he's never been on a show long enough for his true colours to come out maybe he was in a different stage of life I don't know but what I saw was something that no one should ever have to put up with and have to deal with and the only reason I really want to hone in on this now is because of his response this one really got me I felt really passionate about having someone that is such a misogynistic bully and the way they treated me and the way he treated other people in the house for absolutely no reason

is just not on if I knew that the show was going to be like that and that I would have to deal with someone like Ryan I wouldn't have done it I would not have put myself and I called Laura halfway through the show in tears saying I need to leave this person is horrific yeah you did so we had a business call halfway through it was maybe like three weeks into filming and Britt was like hysterical on the zoom call hysterically crying and she told me who it was that was making her life hell in there and my response at the time was like fucking walk out like you like there is no reality tv show in this world that you need to do that's gonna be beneficial to your profile building or anything else that means being picked on in the way that you were treated and having

somebody intimidate you in the way that he intimidated you part of me wanted you to leave but then the other part of me is really proud that you did stay and you managed to work through it and also didn't allow for somebody who treated you like that to win? Because ultimately he was probably hoping that you would leave. Well, here's the thing. I did. I pulled the producers aside and I said, I'm done. There is no way.

I don't need to be treated like this and I don't need to feel like this. So I did say I was leaving and as much as I didn't want him to win, it wasn't worth it for me. I felt like saying, have it, win, beat me because you've worn me down and I feel so uncomfortable being here that I would rather let you have it. the reason I didn't was because they said if I leave my partner had to leave too and that was really unfair because my partner at the time when I wanted to leave really really wanted to be there really wanted to be there so who was that Connor I decided to stay because I was like I don't want

to ruin someone else's experience here if I can I was like let me just try and suck it up and avoid this person and try and make the most of the experience because I didn't want to force someone else to leave totally and then be responsible for their experience in the show and then being kicked out because of somebody else's behavior. I decided not to do that to somebody else. And they convinced me, they say, you know, it's better for you to stay and stay here with your partner and, you know, do the right thing kind of thing. So, you know, Britt, I'm so, I mean, look, I know that there's lots of people in the Facebook group who are following along with the show. And I know that there has been a lot of conversation around last night's episode and also around the relationship

and the dynamic between Ryan and you and the rest of the house. I guess like part of me, thank you for sharing how you feel about it and your experiences but also I know how infuriating it must be for you or I can only assume how infuriating it must be to watch a show that you lived and to know that there is so much more to the story and that huge parts of the conversation have been left on the cutting room floor and that you know the edit isn't reflective of what actually happened no and at the end of the day there was not one person in there that deserved to feel uncomfortable or be on the receiving end of what they were on with Ryan that's what I want to say I don't want it to be an ongoing thing I don't want to talk about it

anymore but that's my response to it's my response to him here knowing him he'll probably go to town for a long time because that's what he does well look I mean I'm glad that you've said your piece but you know ride the high road and whatever is said or happens from here on in like this is how you feel about it this is your experience of what happened in the show and I feel like at least you've had the opportunity and not only the opportunity you have a huge fucking platform being this podcast and also the incredible community that is Life Uncut to be able to share what happened and also I know you didn't go into finer details and there's a lot more to this but like trust me guys it could be a lot fucking worse is all I have to say oh yeah I'm doing

him a favor really aren't I all right let's get into let's get into I know no there's a part of me that's just like a rip a new one but you know what I get it I get why not let's get into answering all of your deep your dark and your burning questions Brittany Hockley you can kick it off with question number one. This is absolutely wild. My partner and I have been together for three years. We have a five-month-old baby. My best friend lives with us and has done so for the past two years. She recently went MIA and finally told me why. When I was out with the baby, my partner approached her, exposed himself and asked her to give him a blowjob. As this was unfolding, i arrived home and he left the room asking her not to tell me when approached he denied it at

first before admitting what he had done my question is do i stay and try to work it out for our baby so we can try to be a family or do i leave the friendship has been ruined as i can't look at her without the reminder of what my partner did to her i know she did the right thing but it still affected the friendship as i feel my partner would prefer her over me and it's embarrassing that my partner did this this is fucking wild this is so cooked that you'd throw the roast out like you've burnt that roast okay there are some questions that come in and part of me is like we are not qualified to answer this which is the very first thing I want to say my first thing is I think that you probably need to go and get some therapy genuinely go and speak to someone who is

an actual professional because like the thing is no one can give you an answer to this no one can say yes you should fucking dump his ass and leave and no one can say that you should stay and work it out it is like an unbelievably difficult situation like you i just have never heard of anything quite like this i have a couple of questions and maybe you can start by asking the questions to him and also asking the questions to your friend i understand that there is an added layer that makes it really hard for you to walk away from this relationship and that's the fact that you have a five-month-old baby and your entire identity that was based around being a family has now shifted and feels like it's been taken away from you in a literal instance

I would ask the question of not like you know how did this happen but it's a very strange thing for him to have just woken up one day and felt like it was the appropriate time to expose himself to your friend and ask for a gobby like I'm in the day in the middle of the day like in your home had anything else happen prior to this had there been any sort of flirtation or you know did your friend feel like that this had been something that had been growing and maybe he took those advances in the wrong way? Like I would want to get a bit more context around where this came from. If it was just completely in the middle of the day, totally out of the blue, was alcohol involved? Was there something else that kind of changed the state of why this was the case? Because it just

feels like such unbelievably irrational behavior. And when I say is alcohol involved, I don't mean that that's a get out of jail free cut. I don't think that that changes the landscape, but it also might be like, okay, maybe when he's drinking, he does things that are completely fucking not okay. And therefore removing drink may be a helpful part of this. My very first and instant reaction to this is that I want to say, leave, like you should leave him. Having a child is not a good enough or big enough reason to stay with somebody who would disrespect you like this, especially with someone who is your friend who you love but i know that that can be an over simple answer in these sort of situations brit how do you feel about this oh it's such a hard one and again

this is our opinion please i do hope that whether you seek your therapy on your own or you seek it with your partner with a relationship counselor either way i do highly recommend that i'm going to start by giving my first thought and feeling in my opinion and that i am exactly the same as you laura i was like i don't think i could stay but i'm not in that position so i don't know you do have a little a baby you do want this family unit and you do love your partner you can love someone that is not right for you and you can love someone that's hurt you so i i mean i know people that have been brutally hurt by their partner and they say i'm still so in love with him i don't understand it that's fine somebody hurting you doesn't necessarily strip away that

love and the desire for the family but you know what makes me so fucking angry about this like really angry not only did he betray you like not only did he betray your trust the foundation of your relationship he also took away the relationship that you have with your best friend so the person that you probably would have gone to if your partner cheated on you with right like so for example if matt was to ever cheat on me the person that i would confide in is you brit you know i would talk to your best friends so he's not only betrayed you but he's taken away your support network which means that you feel like if you leave him you have nothing and that's the thing that's so monumentally fucked about this is that he's taken away two fundamental relationships

that have brought you purpose in your life. And I think that you need to have some space from him. I don't think that you can be living in the same house as him right now, because I do think it's almost unfair that you have projected a lot of your hatred towards your friend, because there's this jealousy, there's this feeling of like, I can't believe he did this with you, but that needs to be projected towards him, not towards your friend, because unless, you know, that she's been complicit in this up until this point, I feel like this is a really misdirected focus of your anger and resentment well i'm not convinced that that's necessarily why the friendship has deteriorated because she does say i'll just read it out again the friendship has been ruined as i

can't look at her without the reminder of what my partner did to her i think there's a level of embarrassment on all behalves like she's embarrassed that her partner even did that to her friend but then there's also this level she's saying you know it's affected me because he's going to choose i feel like he wants to hurt over me the other thing that really fucking pissed me off is that he denied it when you went to him like the instant denial instead of the instant ownership you also haven't said his reaction so you haven't said whether he's begging you to stay is he putting in the effort is he apologetic is he putting in the work has he said why like what's the why where did this even come from because you don't just whip your dick out and get your wife's best friend

to suck it like it's not what you do if you do just whip your dick out if this is something that he just did unprovoked, then I would say don't be with him because that is absolutely not somebody who you want to have a relationship with. I think, and I don't know how you're going to do this. I like in agreeance with Laura, I think you need to take a step away for a minute, whether you can stay with a family member or not. Actually, you don't have to go anywhere. He can go out of the house for a little while. You need your own space. You've got the baby you're looking after. He can go somewhere for a little while. And if he wants to make this work with you, he will do whatever it takes so if you say i need some space he needs to go he needs to do whatever he needs to do you

need to work out is the only reason you are staying and trying to make it work because of the baby that is a really hard place to come to but if it is if that is the only reason i don't think it is enough because i think that you can find happiness elsewhere if that is the reason time to and you hear a lot of relationship therapists say this, you hear a lot of couples say this, you hear a lot of children from broken homes say this, say, I wish my parents split. They stayed together for me for years. I wish they split because they'd be happier on their own. You hear this kind of stuff all the time. But also because you're like, so like, I feel like when I hear this sort of stuff, if you think, you know, we're just staying for the kids, the thing is, is you're so worthy of

being able to have a relationship that is also fulfilling towards you and doesn't make you feel so disrespected and so out of your fucking mind with like fear and jealousy and like just this insecurity around how unstable the relationship is. I totally agree with you. I think that the number one thing, if I was in this position to do would be to ask him to leave, to go and stay somewhere else. I know that you're probably really embarrassed. So you probably haven't spoken to your other friends. Maybe you haven't even spoken to any family members about this because you're embarrassed. You don't want people to think of him differently. You don't want people to question why you stayed but it is really really important that you do speak to your very close

network because at least then you have support and you have people around you who can be that support network and there's also then a level of accountability because if he's done something and there's no accountability nobody knows you forgive him and things go back to normal what's to say that he won't do it again I also imagine the friendship probably would be irreparable if you do decide to stay with him and I'm not saying that so that you think it's an ultimatum because it's not I'm just saying if you put yourself in those shoes if Matt did that to me and you let it happen and you didn't talk to me anymore and you stayed with him I would be like wow how could you have let him treat me like that and that totally that is completely valid well because like in essence

like that is also sexual assault like it's so wrong on so many levels your friend would feel like she was and has been sexually assaulted by your partner in her home where she lives it's so monumentally fucked yeah look i mean i don't think that we can give you a clear and cut answer and i think it took us a little while to get to a point where we were truly mad by it because we were so shocked in the beginning but i think you just need to have that separation and also i think you need to seek out some more answers to questions around why the fuck this happened and how it managed to happen with a professional and I think he needs to as well you know to round this question out and to really like I mean I don't want anyone to interpret this as though we think that you should

stay with him because I think Britt and I both sit on the we are very much in the belief of like you should not be with this person we just don't like to straight out tell anyone what the right and wrong thing is because it's different for everyone yeah and it's really hard to give someone an absolute decision like it's hard for us to sit here and be like this is what you should do when we only have one paragraph of the actual situation. However, if this is something that happened to me, I know that I wouldn't want to be in that relationship anymore. The other part of this that I think is really something that you have to sit with is that yes, he tried to cheat on you, but the only reason why he didn't cheat on you is because your friend said no. So had your

friend said yes, what would have been the outcome of this? And would you have been more upset if he had physically cheated? Well, because ultimately he did cheat. Like regardless, he tried to, therefore he did it's the same thing to me I think that they kind of the exact same outcome but this is your partner has tried to pursue a sexual relationship with your best friend who is also your housemate when you hear those words spoken out loud like how does that make you feel and what do you think is the right thing to do because I think if anybody was to say those words out loud their instant reaction to that would be like get the fuck out at a minimum he needs to be staying elsewhere yeah all right question number two okay so for context I spend quite a lot of

money on beautiful clothes which I will hire out to people online for some extra cash I love fashion and I see value in doing that for me I have a friend who constantly borrows outfits whether that's something more casual up to expensive formal dresses it started out as a once-off and I didn't charge them but now she constantly hits me up she recently borrowed a super expensive set of mine and hasn't washed it or even dry cleaned it i now have to do this is this situation my fault for not charging in the first place or am i getting taken advantage of what is reasonable to expect of your friends here oh do you know what nice that you're the source of having such awesome clothes for starters so this is a an interesting one because i do think that if your

friend is borrowing your designer clothes and she's returning them in a dirty state dry clean them. She should be dry cleaning them. The reason I think this is uncomfortable for you and I would also feel uncomfortable is because I wouldn't want to ask the friend to do it. I wouldn't want to say, hey, can you go and dry clean it? Even though you're entitled to. But I have a friend, for example, I have an amazing friend that is just loves exactly this, loves designer stuff. When I borrow something of hers, I will dry clean it. And I even ask her if she has a preferred preferred dry cleaner. If I borrowed something of a friend's that Laura, maybe I was like, can I borrow your jumpsuit? And it wasn't designer and it was like denim or whatever.

And it wasn't dirty. I probably would just wash it myself and give it back. I don't think you need to dry clean everything. I think it's very dependent on the situation, but if you're borrowing some $3,000 Gucci set and you've got your sweat all over it and you dropped a drink on it, like you dry clean that shit. Even if you're borrowing like a $200 Shona joy dress, like I'm sorry. If you're borrowing an occasion wear item to wear to a wedding or to wear to something that's special you get it dry cleaned because then all you're doing is giving that bill to your friend who you borrow clothes from 100 i feel like every single person listening to this has probably been in a situation where they've lent clothes to a friend and they haven't come back in the standard of

which they receive them do you know i mean like i feel like i've definitely loaned out clothes and they've come back with fake tan on them and i'm talking like you know an alice mccall dress that I really loved that now I probably will never wear again because it's ruined, right? This is how I would approach this. I feel like everybody gets one chance. Every friend gets one chance to borrow clothes, right? You get one chance to fuck up. You get one chance. If you take something that's expensive of mine and then you return it in a poorer quality, then I'm going to say next time that, oh, sorry, I'm going to be wearing it this weekend. Whatever. You don't have to lend your friend clothes whenever they're asking for it. Also, secondly to that, if you're making a

little business on the side by renting out your clothes, if this is actually something that you're making a bit of income out of, and that's, what's funding you being able to buy more clothes. I think you are so well within your rights to say to your friend, Oh, actually I have somebody who's wanting to hire those pieces this weekend. And if they do push and say, Oh, well, can I come over and have a look and see if you've got anything that I can wear to this event or to this wedding? You are so within your right to say, yeah, you can borrow something, but you have to dry clean it because otherwise it's an expense that I have to pay for. So, so long as you bring it back in a dry clean bag, no problems. And not even, I think that's a really good way around this because

a lot of people will feel uncomfortable, even though you shouldn't. A lot of people feel uncomfortable asking for stuff like that, even though you're entitled to it. I think what you could say is, yes, you can borrow whatever you want, but I loan these every weekend. So as long as it's dry cleaned for the next person. So if you really want to make, like take the pressure off you and just say, you know, so I don't have to pay for it, which you shouldn't anyway. You just say, Hey, yeah, I loan these every weekend though. If it can come back on Tuesday, dry cleaned that'll be perfect because it's going to go out again on Friday whatever it is just say it's like on it's a it's a constant cycle of stuff that's just how it is yeah but also I do think

that there is something a bit frustrating and this is like a bigger this is a bigger part of this question yeah I'm being a pussy I think there's something frustrating in the fact that like you're spending your money on clothes for your friend to then borrow them for free and not have to pay anything at all like especially if she's leaning on and expecting it very very frequently because it's like you've become known as having this great wardrobe and that's because that's what you spend your money on. It's not because you want to then give them out to your friends who then can never spend money on clothes and just get all the nicest, newest stuff on your paycheck. I think that there is a part of that that's also a bit disrespectful. Maybe the way

to approach this is instead of being so much of a yes person, just be a fucking no person. But like say like, oh, I can't this weekend. Actually, I'm not sure what I'm going to be wearing. And I know that there's a lot of pieces that are going out. Like it's okay to say no about something and it's not not that you have to say no every single time but like you can say no 50 of the times and then it means that your friend will stop having this expectation that they can just like pillage your wardrobe whenever the hell they want to it's just wild to me that you'd borrow your friend's stuff and then give it back dirty do you know what though i've had this happen quite a few times yeah i feel like i'm the go-to for clothes which i do not mind at all i happily like

even at the wedding i was like i was like you're wearing my dress and you're wearing my i felt like I dressed half of my guests, but honestly, I do not care at all. I would say 99.9% of my friends are super appreciative and always give the clothes back looking great. There has just been one time where it took a really long time. I'm talking like it took like eight months. I'd worn this item of clothing once only. And then it took eight months to get it back. And it was like expensive. It was like a $450 piece of clothing took eight months to get it back. And it came back so worn. Like it had become a staple part of their wardrobe and I'd got to wear it and I was fucking dirty. And I hope she's not listening to this because I still love you. But like never

borrow my clothes again. Probably. All right. Question number three. This one is actually, we've had some pretty serious questions on this episode. This is one of them. This is a very serious question. Okay. My boyfriend took a video of us having sex and he didn't ask me. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months now and everything is genuinely so great. In the past, we've had sex and we both openly agreed to film parts of it. And it has been great. However, this time in doggy, I turned around and he had his phone out. And after I asked what he was doing, he said, Oh, I'm filming. In the moment I said, well, ask me next time. But now I don't know whether I should have a bigger conversation with him or whether I'm overreacting to this whole situation. I don't

mind that he was filming but i do feel like that should be agreed upon by both parties before every time help abso-fucking-lutely it should be agreed to by both parties every time just because you consent to anything one time does not mean it's a staple for every other time that that event ever happens like you could say yes to sex once you might never want to have sex again doesn't yeah it's not like that yes yes yeah yes yes once is not signing your life away forever especially with something as private as filming during sex and I think as well it's the imbalance as well when you're doing doggy like obviously you didn't know that it was happening because it was happening behind your back and I think that there's a different sentiment when you when you've opted

into having someone film you whilst you're having sex you have autonomy over that right but if someone's filming you without your knowledge there is a real intrusiveness that comes with this it is like, it's so incredibly degrading as well. Now, I think the big part of this is, is what he did wrong? Yes. I think it's very, very wrong. It's also really fucking problematic that he didn't think that it was wrong. Do I think that he's inherently a fucking terrible person and you should break up with him straight away? No. Like did he maliciously try and do this to put it on Pornhub? No. Is he going to send it to all his friends? No. We don't know, but we're assuming. The reason why I say no is because when you asked him, what are you doing? Him being so quick and

so transparent to say, oh, I'm filming this indicates to me that he doesn't realize that he's doing something wrong because all we've done it before. However, just because he doesn't realize that he's doing something wrong, doesn't mean he's not doing something wrong. So I do think that you are so unbelievably within your right to sit down and explain to him that if you're ever going to film sex, if he's ever going to film you in any sexual compromising position, this shouldn't be something that you should have to tell him. He should know this, but he clearly doesn't. So I do think that you need to sit down with him and set your expectations and also explain to him why it's so problematic that he thinks that it's kind of fine and completely normal. Yeah. And you did,

you did the right thing. You said, ask me next time. That's great. That was in the moment you've made the comment, but you need to have a whole conversation where you know that he understands the situation the boundaries when it's okay when it's not okay and boundaries is the big word here that you need in a relationship in general but especially in the bedroom totally you need to be 100 comfortable every single time with what is happening i kind of hate that his impression of this as well was like oh well consent is implied because we've done it before or consent is implied because like you know we're in a relationship and like you should be fine with it so i think he really needs it to be explained to him why it's not fine and i'm not saying that you should have

to explain to someone because I do think that like in this day and age everybody should have a very fundamental understanding of what consent is but it seems like you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't have that understanding yeah it just needs to literally be a hey I know we've filmed before but that doesn't mean I want to do it again and also it doesn't mean I want you to do it behind my back because maybe I'm doing something that I don't want you to fucking film well it just needs to be a hey do you want to film today that's it and then you're gonna say no or yes that's it every time it just has to be an open question what would you do in this instance brit like if you were dating someone and like you had been fine with it you know you guys

had filmed parts of your sex life before but then you turned around and they were filming you mid sex like how would that make you feel well i back back back back back in a day and i spoke about this at the beginning of the podcast this has happened to me in uh my psycho relationship when i dated a sociopath a long time ago this had happened i had seen this kind of a thing in his phone accidentally I had found it so I didn't catch him in the act and it was exactly the same thing oh yeah we did that you knew we did that like we've done that before that kind of gas lighting on this is something we always do you're overreacting kind of thing you said it was cool that kind of a vibe I'm embarrassed to say I almost let it slide because I was in love I was

very blindsided and you trust them I trusted him and at the end of the day I was like well you know of like yeah you're right I probably did say it was okay because we'd had some drinks and it was just one of those things that was swept under the rug a little bit would that land now with me no I'm a different human absolutely fucking not like I'm worlds away if that happened now I would probably be pretty snappy because it has happened to me in the past so it's different for me now but I would just say whoa like you need to delete that right now I'm not down with that it has to be a really honest conversation you don't even have to worry that you're in the middle of sex when you have that conversation like if it comes up don't feel uncomfortable you just say I don't

want you to do that show me that you've deleted that yeah whatever it is it's just and this is your partner so I hope you do feel comfortable enough to say that and I don't think he I mean I don't know I don't imagine he's going to be offended he probably isn't aware how uncomfortable made you feel I would like to think that in a relationship he would never intentionally make you feel uncomfortable so he's probably not known that he's making you feel like that and I would like to, I know that, you know, I think sometimes with these questions, not this specific question, but I think sometimes we want to jump to he's a dickhead, right? Like this is dickhead behavior, 100%. Is he a dickhead at his core? I mean, he's a man who you've been in a relationship with for

10 months. Only you can answer the question of like, do you trust him? Do you love being in a relationship with him? Do you feel like it's based on a foundation of respect for each other? in which case if you can say yes to all of those things then this action what he's done doesn't align with the way that you view him and that's because he's interpreted the boundaries incorrectly he's interpreted where consent lies incorrectly giving the benefit of the doubt here yeah and that's what we're saying so like that's why I think like have a conversation with him like for example if I was to turn around and Matt was videoing me I'd be like fuck that's weird like why did you decide to do that now and I would be annoyed at him but would I leave him no of course

or not, I would be like, okay, buddy, I think we need to have a chat about if you want to film me and what the angle is, have a conversation about it. Don't do it when I don't know. But this problem, what has happened can have varying degrees of consequences and varying degrees of like it being traumatic. Like for some people, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. And for some people it can be a huge, huge deal. And that is a very, very personal experience is what I'm trying to say. The question is, should I have a bigger conversation or am I overreacting? That's subjective no you're not overreacting if you think it's important yes you should have a conversation if you think the boundaries aren't clear 100 that's the wrap-up well there we go guys some

serious questions and also like some like very important challenge reality tv fucking it's been an emotional week and an emotional episode for for us i think it's a it's that time of year the stress is in the air everyone's trying to get to the end of the year it's a busy time. Do you know what you guys say? You say it's that time of year, but like this time of year is meant to be the happiest season of all. And everyone's just bugging stressed. No, but you know what it is? I think everyone that I've spoken to has said the same thing. People are just trying to get so much done before the holidays. And so that's when I say it's this time of year, it's not Christmas. It's that couple of weeks before everyone goes on their break,

where everyone's trying to cram all their jobs in so that they can have an amazing break. So I hope you guys are out there. I hope no one is stressed through the nights. I hope you're all gearing up for Christmas. You're putting your tree up because it's almost the start of December enjoy this time let the stress i think i'm talking to me who are you convincing let the stress wash over you wash over you and you enjoy enjoying your christmas i think i'm speaking to myself as much as i'm speaking to you yeah also if you love the episode go leave us a review on apple podcast tell a friend and you know the drill tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell

your friend and share the love because we love love We'll be right back.