Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Whats the dress code?

Episode Date: October 20, 2021

Happy therapy Thursday Lifers!Have you heard about the new ball bath contraception? No?? Well fear not, you're about to be balls deep in testicle bath knowledge...Today we are jumping into:-I used to be with a narcissist. Now I'm with a great guy and in a healthy relationship; but I'm feeling a bit...bored. Is this normal? I kind of miss the highs of the toxicity-How do I/ do I tell my friend that the outfit she is planning on wearing to my wedding is not okay?-My bridesmaid is dating a guy that my fiance and I don't like. I don't really want him at the wedding but is this going to drive a wedge between the friendship? This episode is brought to you by Dermaveen. If you suffer from dry, itchy or sensitive skin Dermaveen might just be your saving grace.If you have a question that you'd like answered for ask uncut, slide on into our DMs @lifeuncutpodcast.Chuck us a review, we love 'em, and share the love because we love love!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura and this is our Thursday episode. In case you're wondering, it's our down and dirty and sexy little episode where we answer your deep dark and burning questions and thank you to everybody who has sent in questions for today's episode we have like always received so many and i reckon we've got some really good ones today and whilst we're saying our thank you is thank you to our sponsor for this week which is dermavine now dermavine is an insane moisturizer so good that i ordered it into my quarantines it is amazing for dry and itchy skin but laura we are so close to being back together physically like I can almost reach through this screen and

touch you okay so we're recording this on Wednesday actually there's so much happening by the time this episode comes out on Thursday Melbourne will be out of lockdown the bachelorette would have started and Brittany Hockley will be back here in Sydney in Bondi probably doing the exact same thing that she was doing before she left which is sitting in my bedroom in her underwear recording the podcast what has been going on Laura what have you got for me this week tell me something exciting has happened I have absolutely nothing at all like I wish I could come you're like I'm still essentially in lockdown I'm not even gonna lie people I'm not gonna pretend like my life is anything that's interesting I guess the only thing that has been happening in my life

lately is it's all kid related so Lola has just started daycare she is going one day of daycare a week at the moment which is a Monday and it is I mean if you guys have been following the podcast for a while you might remember back when Marley started daycare she was a little bit older I think Molly started daycare when she was around one year old and you had like a breakdown you're like I can't take her I remember and I was like you'll be fine Laura drop the girl at daycare I was like crying on the podcast because I had dropped her at daycare and I had just such guilt it was so hard and I think because she was one year old she just knew a little bit more about what was happening around her so she would stand there screaming and being like mummy mummy and then oh just it's the

worse. Any mom who's had to go through taking their kid and adjusting to the first time in daycare knows exactly that feeling. But Lola has started daycare. Lola started two weeks ago. She's doing one day a week. Lola started at two weeks old. I couldn't wait to get her there. I dropped her off. I didn't cry. It's very different with the second child. It's not surprising to me anymore why everyone says that you have second child or middle child syndrome. She's eight months. She's not 10 months. She's eight months. But only one day a week. She goes to the same daycare that Marley's at so they're together all the time I didn't have the same level of guilt or fear or sadness that I had the first time around obviously because now I had this real connection with the

daycare and we know the women who work there and you know I really trust them as carers but it's just so different everything is so different with the second kid they're resilient you wait till you have the third one she'll be straight out of the womb and then there's Marley Marley she's a toddler and toddlers find the most interesting and wild ways to offend you on the daily so it started off it started off with just her pointing at my forehead just pointing and then she would just hold her finger on like any little mark or imperfection or when i say little mark or my melasma she would like draw a line around my pigmentation on my forehead you're like yes sweetheart i know it's there yeah it's there i can see and then yesterday she was like i want to do

drawings and i was like what do you mean you want to do drawings and she's like on my face and i was like you can't do drawings on your face it's 8am in the morning you're going to daycare and she was like why does mummy have drawings on her face is she talking about the melasma i know she's talking about my wrinkles so now she's upset that she can't have drawings because mummy drew on her face that's why that's what they are anyway kids are kids are mean you're like because mummy hasn't had botox for a while yeah because all of the clinics have been closed but i would love to know if anybody else out there there were so many mums who slid into my dms please send us what absolutely wild stuff your toddlers have said to you i live for this i will share it with all the

other mum listeners who listen on this podcast because i know that there is a few of us toddlers are wild the second kids are resilient and i cannot wait to see what the third one's going to be like it's going to be tough the third one's not coming for a little while i love that i'm putting these restrictions on you actually that is really interesting i wanted to tell you about something and I think maybe that you could pass this information on to Matt because I think that you're going to need it I was just reading something about now look we know that the onus of contraception falls on women like we've got the IUDs it's up to us to make the men put on the condom because they never bloody want to we have to take the pill every day of our life

we get all the repercussions from it and I feel like it's always just been expected that women I don't want to say carry the burden but I guess it is a burden to ensure that you don't fall pregnant if you don't want it. So we have the onus and the responsibility. Well I think there's also this perception and I know where this is going but there's always this perception that most men won't take control over their own contraception or that men can't be trusted to take control and maybe that maybe that is true in like a casual dating setting but it's not necessarily true when you're in a committed relationship with your partner. Well there is this new groundbreaking research from a very young woman her name is Rebecca Weiss she's an

industrial design graduate from the university of munich and she just won this huge prize it's basically i guess an invention prize where she gets funding to develop this idea long story short she was on the pill for a long time and she got some she had like a pap smear and she got some questionable results that she might have you know like there could be early signs of cervical cancer in there she's like cool i've seen these early signs i don't want to be on the pill anymore but then she was like fuck I don't want to fall pregnant either she started to think about what options are available she's like why is there not more onus on the men now I'm just like hands off to this woman she's really taking things into her own hands she has developed something called a

testicle bath now a testicle bath is I mean I feel like it has multiple multiple uses like they actually get to bathe their testicles which is great for them but what it does is it's like and you guys should look it up it's like this little cup and the men would sit their testicles in it and it has these ultrasound vibrations and now like i don't i don't know the science behind it but what they've said is the ultrasound vibrations you put your balls in there and they disrupt you don't feel anything like it's not painful but it disrupts the sperm that is in the testicles which means that the sperm are not active so you cannot have a baby so you only have to bathe your testicle, then you know that the sperm is not going to be active. You can just go and have sex.

This is absolutely groundbreaking. But my question is, do you trust that a man has done it? Because I feel like women are more trustworthy. I feel like a guy's like, Hey, you want a pill? And she's like, yeah. And she actually fucking is on the pill. But I feel like if you're like, Hey, did you bathe your testicles four months ago? He was like, yeah, sure. I bathed them. Did you teabag yourself to contraception look I mean I think that there's way too much assumptions made like I think that we bundle too many men into the same basket and say that no man would care there are a lot of guys out there who don't want to have children there are a lot of guys out there who aren't so irresponsible that if there was an option for a male contraception that they would

just ignore it I think that there would be a vast huge number of men who actually really don't want to have illegitimate children running around the world or you know unplanned pregnancies like I think it affects both people. I know that Matt would use it. Like the problem that we have at the moment is I don't want to be on contraception. I've been on contraception since I was 15 years old. And after having Lola and then having Marley and everything that your body goes through with pregnancy and hormones and breastfeeding, and then it just takes your body so long to get back to normal. And the option when you're breastfeeding is the mini pill, which is like a progesterone only pill. And I just kind of said, I don't want anything in or to be taken. I just don't want to

be on any contraception so then we run the risk now of getting pregnant which Brittany's sitting there like don't do it I'm buying you the testicle bath immediately yeah look and you know what like in our situation like I trust Matt he would give his testicles a bath for me it's like the it's the smallest thing that some guy could do when as a female the onus is completely on us to not get pregnant to then carry the children to then rear the children to then breastfeed the children to do everything for the rest of your existence I even think for us and we've spoken about it Matt and I once we've finished having kids he will probably go and get a vasectomy and he sees that as not a big deal because I'm the one who's done everything up until this point and he's like I

also don't want to have you know six kids and he's like I know if I let it up to you you probably would have six kids I think the thing to note here is or firstly Jordan and I haven't even had kids and he's already said there's no way anyone's coming at his testicles with a needle for a vasectomy he's like I'm never going to have a vasectomy so I think for people like that this is great but the important thing to note in this is this is probably more suited to actual couples and long-term partners because obviously condoms are great for the fact that you are not going to fall pregnant unless they break obviously but secondly they stop the transmission of STIs so obviously the testicle bar doesn't stop the transmission of STIs and she has made it more

she's like look I think more people that are going to use it are going to be the people in relationships that don't want to use condoms and they don't want to be on the pill and they're trusting that their partner's bathing their testicles well I mean every so often there seems to be the articles that pop back up on the internet which are all around the male contraceptive pill and it seems like every year it kind of gets a new lease on life like you'll see some chatter about it but nothing ever comes into fruition so back in 2016 that's when they did some big clinical trials around the male contraceptive pill and there was 250 men who were participants in the pill. The actual pill and the trials were pulled halfway through because

of the side effects that men were receiving and experiencing whilst being on the pill. Now, wait for it ladies if you're listening to this. The side effects included things like hormonal imbalances, mood altering imbalances, headaches. Basically everything that we experience or can experience from being on the contraceptive pill were the same things that males were experiencing however the trials were pulled because it was deemed that those side effects were too extreme for the positive outcomes that a male contraceptive pill would provide so basically these men spent a month in the life of a woman's body and they couldn't handle it totally and i think it comes down to it comes down to this idea of like contraception has been

revolutionary for women like for us it has created it's allowed us to continue our lives in the workforce. It's allowed us to earn more money. It's allowed us to decide when we want to have children. It's lowered the number of teen pregnancies. Contraception for women, even though it comes with huge side effects, has been life-changing. And I guess the onus is that maybe it won't be so life-changing for men if women are already going to carry that burden. And there was one really interesting quote that I read. It was from this guy, Alan Pacey, who's a professor of andrology at the university of sheffield and he says the development of a male contraceptive pill or injection has had a check-it history without very much success so far unfortunately there has

been very little pharmaceutical company interest in bringing a male contraceptive pill to life he then goes on to say the main reason for this i suspect is more down to business rather than science totally the australian academy of science came out and said the primary barrier in development of the male contraceptive pill is that pharmaceutical companies are reluctant to invest in developing a product that they see low profit and high risk. And I just want to really reiterate the low profit there, because imagine if you only had to bathe your testicles twice a year and that was it. Imagine the reduction in the costs that people were spending on the pill and other things like that. So whilst this is very close, no men are actually using this

yet. This is in the development phase. I feel like it's close and I feel like it's going to be life-changing and as we said at the start the huge responsibility falls on women and I think that the reasoning behind this is so perfectly summed up in this little quote though men have an equal responsibility to prevent unwanted pregnancies they don't share an equal responsibility in the consequences of those pregnancies it just shows that without like that barrier shifting then the real push for a contraceptive pill for men is probably never going to change either but watch this space this is a very exciting time to be alive as a woman this is what I think anyway all right let's get into the questions that we've chosen for today brit hit me with question number

one righty oh i am going to hit you this is a bit of a longer one but this is i think something that everyone deals with well no not everyone deals with but i think it's more common than not just wanting some relationship advice my previous relationship was with a narcissist it was pretty toxic with cheating and some super super lows but by god the highs were high and they were addictive it was such an intense relationship with what i now recognize as love bombing and a lot of other classic narcissistic traits i would receive i'm talking a hundred messages and phone calls a day girl i have been there the attention and the thrill of it was so toxic the sex was addictive it did not end on good terms and he left me for a woman that he had been cheating on me with

yikes yeah i know but i have now met an absolutely incredible man he's everything that i want he's someone that i really want to have a relationship with a real genuine love that has this constant calm to it but coming from a previous relationship that was so toxic with roller coaster of highs and lows I just can't help feel almost and I hate to say it but boredom in this relationship. Is this normal after a toxic relationship? Because the relationship itself isn't boring it's fun and we have passion he makes me laugh so much we literally laugh all the time I have a hundred percent trust in him I feel completely secure and completely adored he's a little bit older than me isn't into social media he'd prefer to call me during the day instead of texting a hundred times

I miss the attention that my toxic ex gave me and I guess I'm just wondering how does someone move on with the constant of a normal healthy relationship after one of these hectic confusing toxic relationships how do I know if it's boredom or if it's right that was a long one but I feel like it was all like I feel like we needed all those parts to the question there was a lot of parts where do we start how do we unpack this therapy is always a good place to start yeah here's the number for a relationship therapist no I think that I mean this is normal what you're feeling is so normal like it is when you're in a toxic relationship those feelings of highs and lows they are addictive and like you use the word addictive the feeling people cough often mistake

these feelings for passion and I think that that's a really really good word they think that the fights and the abuse and the yelling and the love bombing that it's passion and there's so much love and intensity in the relationship but really it is super super unhealthy well we've done a whole episode on like dating a narcissist and I know Brit you have experienced it and I have experienced it and anybody who's listening to this that's experienced when you're dating someone and you're constantly texting all the time but the relationship itself is kind of unhealthy and you're receiving like and like it sounds crazy to receive a hundred text messages a day but it happens you know like I think so many of us have had relationships where you are just so intertwined

in each other's lives especially at that beginning part that love bombing stage that is what makes it so addictive and then when you don't have that at all anymore it's so normal to miss it it's so normal to feel like wow what do I do with myself because for the longest time or for however long you were dating that guy the moments that you had on your own the moments where you would just sit at a cafe or you would be at work but not necessarily engage with what's happening you would be texting you would have something else to occupy you and now all of a sudden that is completely gone I guess one of the big things is is like don't be so hard on yourself if you are someone who's experiencing this if you're in a good relationship and you can identify that it's

a good relationship but you also can identify that you were in a toxic relationship don't be so hard on yourself that there are elements of it that you miss or that you still think about because it takes a really long time to break down those bonds and to break down those sort of neurological pathways that bind you to that person and that trauma in itself is addictive the drama the fucking drama it's so addictive and I think sometimes when you can go from really drama filled relationships where you had that intensity to having super lows but the super highs when you get into a normal relationship you're like oh is this it forever even sometimes I know of people who will pick fights because they're so used to having the drama but I think the good thing in

this and the good thing with the person who's asked the question is the fact that you like you can identify you can say this is good and I know it's normal and I know that it's a healthy relationship and I know the one that I came from wasn't I think in time the fond memories around the toxic relationship the feelings of attachment to that relationship will subside and I know it's that annoying saying that time heals all but it really really does you're not going to feel like this forever. This guy honestly sounds like a real catch. He sounds very normal. He sounds very loving. I thought you meant the other guy. Yeah. Like a catch cheating on you and then leaving you for someone he cheated on you for. Still chasing those red flags. Amazing guy. No, the new guy,

he sounds like a unicorn. He sounds very, very normal. And you've said one thing that's jumped out at me is you said he, the problem is he's a bit older than me and he doesn't really like social media. I mean, bingo. How great is that? You've said that you trust him, which is the number one thing in a relationship, especially when you've come from a relationship full of cheating and lies. I think the one thing that I want to drive home in this is a relationship shouldn't be boring. Now you've used the word boring. It shouldn't be boring. When you're together, you shouldn't be bored. You shouldn't be thinking of someone else. You shouldn't be like, like is this really the person I want to be with we have nothing in common if it's only boring

because you're not having the arguments and the fights and you're not having the anxiety on if they're cheating on you then yeah like you need to you need to move past that and just really embrace this new relationship but if it's if you're physically hanging out and you're like I am fucking bored then the relationship's not for you like so you need to like it doesn't matter how nice the guy is it's just not the guy if he's like a wet cardboard box then yeah you need to get out of it so figure out the reason that you're bored when you're together if it's amazing you need to realize this is absolutely normal and this is the sort of relationship you want for long term absolutely but I think so many of us when you've gone from this toxicity and I speak for myself

but I think that other people would have experienced this as well it's not that new relationships that are stable and healthy are boring like you've said you become addicted to the intensity and you also become addicted to the self-validation or like having somebody who promises the world because the thing is is when you're in narcissistic relationships the grandiose promises the big like almost fantastical promises of what your future is going to be is so beautiful and it's that that we kind of get sucked into we get sucked into the fantasy of what the relationship could be and we believe it we buy in we fully subscribe to what the relationship potential but not to what the relationship actually is so when you

sit there and you unpack what it is that you have now in a very normal stable relationship it doesn't have the fantastical element to it it doesn't have the grandiosity that you know a toxic relationship has and that's because it's normal it's reliable it's stable and I do think that sometimes our memories shift and the way that we perceive past relationships it can kind of mislead us and betray us a little bit like we remember the good times we don't necessarily remember all the bad times and our memory says oh like but wasn't that bit so nice and then we can kind of get taken down the garden path rehashing and reliving and remembering the parts of a relationship that we loved without actually fully realizing that there were some fundamental reasons

why we left that relationship but I think in totality it's okay to feel the feelings that you feel it's okay to sometimes miss your toxic ex but it's really important to identify why you're not fucking with them anymore yeah 100% it's so easy for us to forget every shit thing that happened and we hold on to those little great moments so that they're like a fantasy they're like a fairy tale but they're not real your brain doesn't remember those moments accurately so I think that's super important to remember and the last thing is and I promise this is the last thing in addition and another thing I feel like just because the more you talk the more you think back you think deeper into the question and the more you associate it back to your own relationship

and then you're like fuck I want to put that point in too because it's so good totally it's like we're playing a game of chicken though okay we will finish it this in addition you said you're bored but it takes two to tango and I can't stress this enough we talk about this all the time but you're in this relationship too you're in control of what this relationship is and what you guys do and bring to the table if you think that it's a bit boring ask yourself what have you done what have you done to help the situation there's no reason you can't spice things up there's no reason you can't make things more exciting you've said that your current amazing boyfriend doesn't really texts you much during the day and he just gets a call and you miss that send him a send him a sexy

photo throughout the day do something like that where he's a he's not used to it it's going to throw him off but he's going to be like holy shit this is exciting no men ever no man ever is going to hate receiving a sexy text message in the day like it's just not a thing so I think it's really important you know that I send really sexy text messages to Matt like hey can you make sure you take the washing out and put it on the line oh yeah what time did Lola go to bed I tried to send one yesterday well I didn't try I did it I sent a sexy text because we're back to a long distance now I sent a sexy text and I got a text back that was like I think it said hey sexy sorry really busy right now and I was like cute that just like didn't land well I was like yeah I love that it

was like I'm about to go on the court or something he's about to play a match I'm like yeah that just wasn't didn't have the effect I thought also I love that your advice was just like hey send a sexy text message, it's never not met with great response. And you're like, oh, I sent one yesterday and Jordan was like, I'm too busy for you and your bikini shot. I got heaps of hard eyes back. He was obviously, I think he was about to walk on the court. He gave me heaps of hard eyes. Then he's like, I'm sorry that I'm not going to sex you back right now. I don't have time to go teabag myself. Anyway, okay, let's get into question number two. So question number two is a little bit more lighthearted and I'm really interested to hear what you would do in this situation, Brent.

the listeners wedding was put on hold and has been on hold for a little while and now because covid's lifted they're getting back to the planning and she was texting one of her girlfriends about the wedding and they were talking about what to wear basically her girlfriend has sent her a photo of the dress that she has bought to wear to the wedding so she's already purchased this dress she purchased it a while ago and she was like i can't wait don't worry i've already got my dress and she sent the girl who's one of our listeners a photo of her dress now the problem is the dress is super revealing really inappropriate for a wedding or so the person who wrote in believes super inappropriate for a wedding and she's like what the fuck do I do can I tell my friend that I don't

want her to wear that to the wedding do I just suck it up and let my friend show up in a really revealing dress basically the way she described it is you know those see-through-esque dresses i'm guessing it's like a lace or a mesh or something and then you wear like a thick panty underneath it like a i know so a thick panty and a more like a bralette underneath it so it's a very nude silhouette but the actual dress that goes over the top it's not revealing in length it's just revealing because it's very very see-through sheer it's super sheer yeah i know the exact dress that you're talking about it and it's very fashion at the moment but this this girl is like it's not appropriate for my wedding what do we do straight up there is like

for me I think there's definitely a level of dress code for a wedding whether someone says there's a dress code or not you know that you don't wear a see-through dress to a wedding like straight up if you're listening and you're thinking of wearing a see-through dress at someone's wedding I'm gonna call you out just don't do it just put some clothes on you don't turn up naked to a wedding secondly I think that having said that this is so fucking tricky I don't think you can I don't think you can tell a wedding guest that they can't wear something because they're going to look sexier than you like I don't think you can say that I think it's a really awkward situation but I almost think you're just going to have to let

her do her thing and in all honesty it's not going to reflect on you like if somebody wears that to a wedding it's going to reflect on them the only thing that people are going to be saying is not I can't believe she's outshone the bride because she's not going to outshine you it's your day but they're going to be saying well I can't believe someone came to the wedding naked that's what the conversation is going to be about look I'm I'm into camps one part of me is like you do you if you want to tell someone that they can't wear it go ahead go ahead tell them will that turn out badly potentially like 100 potentially maybe if it's a really good friend you can say like oh actually the dress code is a little bit more formal that I think is a totally fine thing

like you can definitely if you've got a dress code for weddings most people do if it says formal on it you can say oh actually I feel like the dress code is a bit more formal than that and I think nobody wants to show up at a wedding and not be dressed appropriately so if you did say except for the girl that's wearing the see-through dress to the wedding but maybe she doesn't realize maybe she doesn't know what the wedding dress code is or maybe if you haven't been too many you might be confused by what is and isn't an acceptable dress code I disagree with that though I think everyone knows like you you're not an idiot everyone knows that whether you've been to a wedding or not you don't go half naked like I think that that's standard you cannot say I think

it's standard you cannot say no because literally there is someone out there who's written this question because I don't think her friend is intentionally being like yeah fuck it I'm gonna show up at this wedding and be super nude and everyone's gonna look at me I think she just thinks it's a beautiful dress and doesn't even she she clearly does not think that the bride's going to have an issue with it so as much as we can sit here and say oh it's everyone should know what to wear to a wedding not everyone does I mean I know that there's been instances like cocktail parties and I've been like what do I wear what's a cocktail dress what's what constitutes each of these categories what's you know smart casual I don't know I literally just live in baggy jeans

and a t-shirt all the time I agree with that because I often don't know what to wear too like I 100% am agreeing with you and my thing is just like I just feel like at a base level if you had to write yourself a list of what probably isn't acceptable for a wedding, I feel like a see-through dress is one of the things that would go on the list. And look, that's just me. Can I say this for myself, who's also getting married next year? Make a choice or ask yourself a question. Will your friend showing up in this dress affect your day? Like, will you have a worse day because your friend wears this? Or will it be a situation where she shows up and you're like, oh, it's that goddamn dress, whatever. You know, but if your day, your wedding day will be adversely

affected and you won't be able to think about anything else if you're going to be so mad if you're going to be so upset because your friend rocked up in a see-through dress if that's how you're going to feel then say something but if you can actually look at it impartially and go oh look I'd prefer her to wear something else but it's not going to impact my day I'm not going to let something like somebody else's dress affect what should be the best day of my life then don't worry about it I think pick your battles in this sort of situation and you know I don't think that she's doing it intentionally and I do agree with what you said Britt I think sometimes there's so much onus on the bride wanting the day to be solely about them and it is a day that should

be solely about the bride you've paid for it you've invited your friends you've put on this party it's your big one day to be the most important person there but I truly think it doesn't really matter what anyone does you will always be the most important person there and so long as you're having a good time and you're focused on the things that you want out of the day I don't really think that it matters what somebody else wears that's why I see it but I'm happy to be wrong no no one's wrong that's this is the thing no one's wrong everything he just says right and I agree with it like whilst I'm talking about what I think is appropriate for a wedding and that a see-through dress does not constitute that I still probably wouldn't tell

the girl if it was my friend like whilst I think that it's not appropriate I still don't think I would have the conversation because I think I would just try and not let it bother me on the day she obviously isn't being malicious like you said like no friend is going to want to do something it's going to hurt your feelings but if you are looking for like some sort of solution something that I would suggest is that if you do have a group of friends like you are all friends if you don't want it to come from you so that it's this big argument and then she feels awkward and then it causes a rift because ultimately like feelings will be hurt if you have the conversation even if you don't mean to like someone's going to get a little bit offended what you could do is like

talk to the other group of friends and maybe they could all have a conversation amongst each other asking what each other's wearing and if she shows the dress or talks about it the other friends could be like oh I don't know if you could wear that to a wedding because I would do that with my friends if my friends showed me a dress for a wedding I'd be like that is it a little bit too sexy for the wedding like I feel like when it's on that level and you are removed from the situation and it's just a group of friends talking about what they think they should wear I think it's a bit different so maybe you could approach it in that sense so what Britt is saying is make your friends shame your other friend about what they want to make your friends do the dirty work you

don't shame her but make everybody else shame her and so that she's ostracized from the group for her terrible fashion choices no but okay the one thing I disagree with you on this Brit is the fact that I actually think that weddings these days the dress code is so fluid I don't think that there is one set thing that we can say oh that isn't isn't appropriate weddings are vastly different for every single person now some people have more traditional weddings some people have more black Thai weddings. Some people have more like parties or beach weddings where something like a more sheer dress is completely, completely appropriate. So I think it really just depends on the type of wedding that you're having. And I know that there are probably people listening to this who have

worn sheer things to weddings and it was completely fine and completely appropriate. I think it comes down to the dress code and it comes down to what has been communicated on the invitation. That's where I think you know people can go a bit wrong with this yeah and of course weddings like 100% Laura weddings are subjective every single wedding is different every it suits it's what suits the couple that is planning the wedding it definitely depends on location and things like that and I have seen brides that have worn sheer dresses like absolutely that is a thing but ultimately this comes down to what you as the bride as a person as a friend are comfortable with like so Lauric and I can give you our opinions till the cows come home you know my opinion is that I

don't think those new dresses where you just wear the underwear should be at a wedding if you've worn that and you've probably known that that's okay for your wedding and that is absolutely fine ultimately this comes down to you the person that wrote the questioning and how you feel like you'll get through the day with this girl in the dress and if you want her to or not and then you need to decide if it is worth having the conversation you can you can get through the day I would just do it because I would just not want to cause that rift I would not care if you wore a new dress to my wedding so you honestly wouldn't care if i turned up in like just a lace brown undies with like a sheer over thing like a sheer dress i would not care if you turned up in

a bikini to my wedding i could not care less couldn't care i would find the daily mail articles thoroughly entertaining i couldn't care i honestly just think i think that the wedding regardless of what anybody else does or is wearing is so much about the bride and groom it's so much about the happy day of the couple that for me if if a guest rocked up wearing something that I didn't like even if it's something I was a bit like oh that's interesting it would not affect my day that's the big take-home message yeah and I agree which is why I'm saying I wouldn't say anything that's why we know Laura you wouldn't say anything so ultimately girl you've just got to make this big decision on your own I can't wait to see the bikini that you wear to my wedding okay question

number three I'm gonna pick it out now question number three actually is another wedding based question. I have had quite a rocky friendship with one of my friends who was in my bridal parting. The reason is the current guy that she's dating is someone I don't really mesh with. I know she plans on being with him long-term, but my fiance and I don't hang out with him much as a couple. We were talking about people on our guest list and I don't know if we want to include her boyfriend. Given that she's in the bridal party, we don't know how she's going to take this. Do I invite him anyway, even though we don't get along that well for the sake of our friendship, or do I just be honest with her and not invite him. I do feel like this will affect our friendship even

more though if I don't invite him. Help! This is such a good topic. We're going to do a Tuesday episode on this. How do you manage your friendships and your relationships when you hate your friend's partner? That is like, we're going to do it. We're going to do it. It's happening. I think we also need to do a whole wedding ep too. Yeah, maybe we should do a wedding ep like when it gets closer to me actually having a wedding. We'll wait till you get married. So maybe in 2027. Yeah, after I've had five more children. Or wait till I get married in 2030. I reckon I'm going to be pregnant at my wedding. That's what's going to happen now. Okay. What do you think? Does she invite him or does she not? Look, I think this is such a tricky one, but yeah, you're absolutely not wrong. If you

don't invite him, it will hugely affect your relationship and your friendship. Because the thing is, and look, we don't know whether he's done something wrong. We don't know if there's like an ultimately big reason why you don't like him. And if there is a big reason why you don't like him then I think that that's a different conversation but if it's just because you guys don't really get along maybe you don't like his political views maybe he's just a bit of an ass whatever it is I think there comes a point where if you don't choose to invite him to your wedding you're essentially saying to her we don't want someone who you love who is a fundamental part of your life to be a part of ours and that's a really huge divisive line in the sand when it

comes to weddings and relationships and it may mean that she has to make a choice because for her it's going to be well how can I be friends with someone who ultimately hates the person that I want to spend my life with and that may drive a wedge in the friendship it may also mean that you guys are no longer friends or she chooses not to come to the wedding at all she may turn around and say well if you don't want him there I don't really want to come either because that's a big conversation that she's going to then have to go and have with him and to explain to him why he's not invited. I think there's levels to this. I'm sure that there's lots of people who are listening who've experienced this. I think unless there is a big reason or unless there's been some

conversations around why you don't like your friend's partner, you can't just not invite them to the wedding. I think it's pretty disrespectful and it's pretty definitive. But if you have in the past expressed reasons why you don't like them, if there is conflict or if there is the possibility that his behavior is going to ruin your day, like if he is a bad drunk if he's someone who can't be trusted in social settings if you think that there is the possibility that he's going to ruin your wedding day absolutely do not invite him like it's your wedding day and at the end of it you need to be the one who is happy and enjoying yourself not worried about a person that you've invited who you didn't really want there in the first place

yeah and I don't like in all honesty I don't have a whole lot to add to that I don't want to repeat anything you've said because I agree with everything I will add something what you said this is it makes it sound like nothing has actually really happened you've just said myself and my partner don't really hang out much with with them as a couple so we don't really know them a lot like we don't we don't have that bond and I just thought okay if that was me which this actually would have happened because of my situation with Jordan Laura while she'll talk to him like and Matt whilst you guys have met him a few times you talk to him on Skype and things like that you haven't had that time with him like you haven't physically you're not best friends you

haven't had a chance to spend that time together as couples I barely know the guy exactly if you which is crazy because we'll be together a year and you'll be like hey we'll just meet for like the third time but if you invited me to the wedding and Jordan was here and you didn't invite Jordan I would 100% still come to the wedding but there'd be a part of me that was really disappointed in the the fact that you didn't recognize that this this person is so important to me and they're in my life long term and that I you know that I feel like you don't respect the love and the couple like the fact that we're together so I wouldn't not come to your wedding but there would definitely be a feeling of disappointment where and I wouldn't be holding

it against you because it is your day but you need to know that it is going to affect your friendship to some degree if you don't invite him yeah there's a huge level of invalidation I've shared this story partly on this podcast before but I will share it now for anyone who doesn't know it I had a big friendship breakup with and over my very very toxic ex so my best friend throughout all of high school who had been my best friend through my 20s I was her maid of honor and it was at the same time that I had gotten into the relationship with my very toxic ex-boyfriend she could see things that I couldn't see and I was blindly in love with him and like the very first person who wrote in I was addicted to our relationship and I was addicted to him and

he he had really tried to separate me from my friends and isolate our relationship and she had said we don't want him at the wedding that was such a big thing for me it was it was so invalidating of my relationship and it created such a rift between me and him we fought about it and so it was easier for me to say okay I'm not going to come to the wedding then instead of having to fight in my relationship that I wasn't ready to leave because I was desperately in love with him so in order to not fight with him I chose not to go to the wedding I chose not to be the bridesmaid and effectively that friendship has dissolved now and look do I have regrets about that absolutely like I wish that we were still friends I wish that I had learned those lessons earlier but I wasn't

I wasn't ready yet and I needed to live that life and I needed to live that relationship and experience to be able to have a really healthy and great relationship now so I get it I totally understand why my friend didn't invite him but this is why I say you know if you choose not to invite your friend's partner it could have a profound impact on your friendship and I guess the big thing with my friend was that she had made that decision she was ready to let go of our friendship because of how toxic my relationship was and it was impacting everything in my life it wasn't just impacting my relationship it was impacting my friendships hugely. Yeah and she is in the bridal party as well just to reiterate that so I think my advice to you is if you don't

to test him invite the guy you don't have to talk to him you don't have to hang out with him you don't have to have a solo single dance with him he's there for her you probably won't even notice him and i think it will save you a lot of heartache in the future so that is it guys there three questions i'm on four percent batteries so we're gonna wrap this dazzle up razzle dazzle and get on with the day thank you to everybody who has sent in questions for ask uncut if you have a question that you want to add to the mix you know the drill slide on into our dms at life Uncut podcast, just right at the top, Ask Uncut. We also love receiving your accidentally unfiltered stories, your confessionals. Honestly, just message us with what's happening in your day.

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