Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Would You Take Grandma's Urn?

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark, and your burning questions. Thank you to everybody who's written in a question this week. Well, it was nice, Laura, to try to thank you. And thank you for people that are writing in the aftermaths as well. We are going to do that soon. Okay, so I'm actually so excited by this.

Starting point is 00:00:30 We've been talking about aftermaths for as long as we've been doing Ask Uncut, which is a good five years now. And the problem is, is that we've talked a lot, a lot of talk, not a lot of action, which I would like. That's not on us. That is exactly what I was going to say. That is not an us problem. That is for everyone whose questions we've answered problem.

Starting point is 00:00:48 And after all this time, I'd started to, I started to get a bit of self-doubt because you guys rarely give us the update on what has been happening after you send in the question you just take the advice and then you run off into the wilderness and we don't hear an update but what we've started doing now is every time we answer a question on here we have our magical fairies who work behind the scenes who then contact you and tell you we've answered the question and we're getting follow-ups so we're actually getting aftermaths now so that's going to happen next year spoiler watch this face spoiler we have aftermaths coming oh my god whilst I'm cackling for a second someone wrote to me yesterday someone commented on my instagram

Starting point is 00:01:29 and said shut the fuck up the world doesn't need to hear that laugh yeah yeah and she was a middle aged woman it always is what was her name Wendy we'll go with Wendy actually I think it was Wendy it always is a middle-aged woman it always is and you know why I say this because you guys know the whole tit out saga we talked about it on tuesday i said that their name was steven that was to save them oh so you're gonna out them it wasn't a steven it was a diana okay it was a fucking diana and she was a middle-aged woman too do you know what though the youtube comments which seem to be weirdly geared towards me at the moment in the negative ones always about appearance always from men so youtube and instagram different audiences different karens yep keisha's a bit sensitive at

Starting point is 00:02:13 moment because someone commented on her lipstick yesterday and said yuck that one didn't hurt me as much as the one from the week before which I won't repeat here but that one really did get to me but I was on the week before we're not going there I was called oh mate Diana fuck off fuck off Wendy also if your name's Diana and you love the podcast please this is that was not aimed at you we love you and Wendy also I know Stephen you're all great I know plenty of great Wendy it's just another day of being a girl on the internet isn't it yeah but I don't know it's more offensive to me because my laugh is like the core part of who I am like you can change your lipstick Keisha I can't change my laugh it is ingrained into who I am so it's fair I mean we

Starting point is 00:02:50 really do ask for it just by putting ourselves out there it's our fault have you guys seen that victim blame I am the victim here was a joke have you guys seen that video of Ariana Grande on a podcast where she's oh by the way another thing the criticism I am highly aware now that perhaps we should have been slightly more sensitive talking about wicked because I did not realize how many people were wicked stans and how many people were going to come in and support Ariana Grande but there is a video of her on a podcast from a couple months ago and she's talking and it sounds as though it's in her actual normal voice and then midway through it switches to that kind of softer more like baby style voice that she has like she forgot that she wasn't in

Starting point is 00:03:32 character for a moment and people were like hang on a second what just it was there a glitch in your matrix like what happened there there's been a lot of conversations online about ariana having this different voice and i i don't see the problem neither do i i don't understand the outrage about it because she's clearly a character in this movie it's called method acting yeah and she's allowing that character to kind of flow into her interviews and everything else i think it's okay for me i actually think it makes the whole production around it more special i like that she stayed in character i like we don't know who you are who is ariana is she when is she because i've not seen wicked so wicked people don't come i don't think we should talk about it i just have

Starting point is 00:04:12 one question is she gwenda is she the good witch galinda she's galinda yeah not gwenda not wendy not wendy not gwendo close but the one comment that i did see that i thought was actually kind of maybe fair enough is that apparently people who are singers sometimes deliberately speak in a higher register because it softens the damage that they can do their vocal cords or something but I thought it was a bit strange. If you're going to agree to be on a podcast, to me, I think you're agreeing to talking for an hour. I disagree. I think she realized halfway through that she was damaging her vocal cords and she thought these are my most important assets. I think she just thought, fuck, I slipped character. If you think people have a phone voice, right? It's normal for

Starting point is 00:04:51 people to change their voice depending on their surroundings. If somebody is sitting at home with their family, having a yarn, having a Barry, then they have to go and do a keynote presentation in front of a thousand people, they're going to speak differently. Like if you pick up a phone, you have an important conversation. I have a phone voice. Like I try to sound a little bit more important, a little bit more intelligent, a little bit better. I think people read the audience and I think that's okay. Why don't you use that voice on the podcast? I'm an ambassador. Hey, I did have an interesting message that came through on Life Uncut and I wanted to ask you if you had ever experienced this and I did put it on my Instagram as well,

Starting point is 00:05:28 But Laura, for some reason, I think that you're going to have a story surrounding this. So one of our lifers wrote in, hey, so I've just had this conversation. I've literally just heard this. This girl just found out that her partner cheated on her and in retaliation, she took his grandmother's urn. She took his urn. Yes, the actual urn with the ashes in it. I cannot wrap my head around this.

Starting point is 00:05:53 Surely this can't be true. I mean, who would take an urn? and if someone did what on earth would they do with it scatter the ashes hold it hostage use it as a twisted trophy of revenge and then the listener literally said i for some reason i feel like laura and your listeners are going to have a story around this that's a character assassination yeah i'm not a who wrote that in was that wendy again okay so i added that in she just said i think your listeners will have stories but i think that's wild i would love to know if this person whoever this person is I would love to know if the guy realized like does he check in on Nana

Starting point is 00:06:27 frequently enough that he noticed it was missing because it's only impactful if you're like where the fuck did she go it's a whole she didn't just scoop it out and be like haha I'm stealing Nana like you would notice an entire urn gone but you would only notice an urn gone if it's in a particularly prevalent place in the house or if it's something you check on because like often people get an urn I mean I should shouldn't say often I just mean me recently you get an urn and then you put it somewhere with the intention of scattering it but it doesn't necessarily go on display you might put it in a wardrobe or put it somewhere which sounds awful because like Nana doesn't belong in a wardrobe get her out she's Nana was closeted her whole life god damn it if

Starting point is 00:07:05 your Nan is in a wardrobe take her out I always thought and maybe I maybe I've just been led down the garden path by movies but I always thought that you get an urn and you put it on the fireplace I don't have a fireplace but if I did I feel like that's where I'd put my urn we've spoken about urns a lot lately but the reason well I mean there is a good reason for that but it does depend on how much you spend on the urn because there's different caliber of urns there's the plastic one which is just like a blue plastic box which people are not putting on the mantelpiece or there's what my mum went for with poor old Nana she just came in a giant grip lock bag so you're not putting that on the mantelpiece that's got to go in the drawer the Woolworths bag hasn't been

Starting point is 00:07:44 hung over the fireplace with it do you know what I mean I think that maybe it was like a beautiful expensive ceramic urn and she's selling grandma on the black market. No, I have no, I have absolutely no idea. But that is a pretty cooked revenge story for cheating. I understand that cheating, often when you find out that it has been done to you, you want to enact some sort of revenge. I would like to think that most of us are above it, but like often there is something, but that's a pretty low blow.

Starting point is 00:08:07 I've got a bit of respect for it. Do you? She's taken, if she's going to use it to blackmail, I mean, you've got to take something that has value. And what wouldn't you do to get your grandmother? but I don't think it's blackmail I think she's just taking it to hurt him I think it's just a you know that's why you take something when you break up yeah it's pretty cruel like what's so important to either you that you want to keep it or so important to that person that you want to

Starting point is 00:08:29 like I don't think she's blackmailing him but why would you take it then like unless you were trying to use it as like a bargaining chip but bargaining for what that's my point go back and uncheat on me like you can't like there's no there's nothing that you can get back with that sort of bargain Maybe it's like, I'll give you grandma back if I can keep the dog. She's put herself in a position. I've said she, I don't even know if it was a she. She's just put herself in a position of power is all I'm saying. And I'm not saying that I would do the same, but it's a bold move.

Starting point is 00:08:59 It's a power move. I don't know if she's done it as a bargaining chip. The way that I kind of interpret this is that she's taken it from his house without him knowing for sure that it's her. so she's stolen it so that when he does discover that grandma's gone he feels upset and he'll be like hey what happened did you take this and she's going to be like you're crazy no i didn't just so that he doesn't get to have that moment doesn't get to like i think she's done it to enact hurt on him not because she wants to bargain with him oh that's a bit evil which i think is

Starting point is 00:09:26 pretty fucking cruel well i did ask some of you guys like have you ever broken up or been broken up with them like what did you take and they're pretty funny i took all the herbs and spices from the pantry they take so long to accumulate so sucked it i took all the tupperware lids but not the container just so that they can't put anything in i took my ex's lawn what do you mean like he's astroturfed or like men care about lawn the lawn he he cared so much about his lawn that she went and dug up the lawn with a shovel that fuck yes good good can you just imagine i'm gonna to fucking show you. Two weeks later, you're still digging up the lawn.

Starting point is 00:10:05 God, let me get in. No, because lawn is something that if you've got a good lawn, you are proud of that lawn. Like, I get it. I understand that. Ain't no amount of Scots fertilizer that's bringing that back to life. There were a lot of, like, I took his birth certificate. So stupid.

Starting point is 00:10:21 Which is, like, what sort of rang a bell. I thought that's something you would do because you've broken into houses before and, like, forged signatures. I've told you guys about how I forged my ex's signature. us because, and I know that this comes up, this comes up every time we talk about ex-revenge and cheating stories. For any new listeners, I'll give you a quick, quick overview. Found out my partner was cheating on me. We'd been together for quite a while and I had booked us flights to go to the Philippines together for my friend's wedding. So I'd paid for it. I'd booked it. We

Starting point is 00:10:49 were going. Cebu Air. The reason why that's important is because Cebu Air are fucking great because most airlines don't let you change flights into other people's names. You just, like you can't transfer flights. Anyway, broke up with him. I wanted to take my girlfriend Kaya to the wedding with me. I contacted Sabu and they were like, well, you need to have his passport and a signature. So I contacted him and told him he couldn't come to the wedding. And he was like, well, I'm not signing that. We're going to get back together. He was so adamant that we were going to get back together, even though he was the one who cheated on me. And I was filthy angry at him. So I snuck into his house, took a photo of his passport, forged his signature. And I went to

Starting point is 00:11:25 Philippines with my girlfriend had a great time. But Laura, imagine if you had his grandma in an urn. And I also took his nana. Imagine if you said you will sign this document because that is the only way you're getting grandma back. Totally. The only other crazy thing I did, and it was to the same guy when he cheated on me another time, was I took his phone, I threw it off the balcony and that landed several stories down in a pool. So like, it's me, this is fine. I always wanted to, again, I watched too many movies. I always wanted to be that kind of a breakup which is this is toxic in itself but I thought if I ever was gonna have a breakup like you'd go hard and you do it properly and I wanted to be on like the second story of a

Starting point is 00:12:00 building and he's on the grass on the lawn and I'm throwing down his clothes over the balcony and throwing that's what I the kind of breakup I envisioned for myself but you never did it thought I was deserving of that well I never did it so not to like repeat more stories about my girlfriend Kaya but the reason why we I mean we we've been the best of friends for like 12 years now but one of our bonding moments was she um I hope I'm telling this story right because she'll hear this and be like you fuck she maybe just don't name her she thought she got cheated on nah so long ago that now it's funny she thought she got cheated on and so she keyed her boyfriend's car but then found out he didn't actually cheat on her and did he did she tell him oh yeah he knew

Starting point is 00:12:40 she like went real crazy and keyed his car and did she fix her I don't know she was young oh you can't tell a story like that not to the purpose of defamation yes she did forget she paid for all of the repairs and it was not kaya it was player it's been more than 10 years statutory of deck whatever it's called limitations which doesn't exist laura's obsessed with the fact that you can do any illegal maneuver you want and the second you hit 10 years you're allowed to talk about it because they can't touch you i'm like that's not statutory of limitations except murder apparently that one that doesn't fly nothing does if break and enter still has a limit like it doesn't just go away. Statutory limitations. It didn't happen. It was 10 years ago. I'm a new

Starting point is 00:13:18 person now. It's like when you write something really offensive on the internet from 10 years ago and you go, but I'm a new person. They say, and I don't know how backed by science this is, that every cell in your body is replaced in a seven year cycle. So it wasn't even her who did it. It was the old her, seven year ago her. Hang on. One person just wrote in now, four of his left shoes. That's good. That's good. Yeah. Oh man. We love these. Send in your revenge stories because I'm sure that there is more of them. Great cheating revenges. It's time for vibes and unsubscribes. Keisha, you can go first, my friend. Thank you. This is a quick one for me today. It is an app and it is called Simple Interval Timer. So it says S-I-T, so like sit,

Starting point is 00:14:03 but it's all in capitals and it is an app that is completely free there is a paid version but I've been using the free version for like 12 years now and it's for anyone who whether you're at the gym or maybe you're doing like a home workout and you know when you want to do interval training of like I want to do a minute of squats with like 15 seconds in the middle and then I want to do a minute of push-ups and so on Tabata it's called Tabata training interesting yeah I thought it was called HIIT training I think that that's like high intensity interval training well anyway this app it's blue and it's got 0004 on the app label. It enables you to adjust the number of sets, the action and the break. So to explain that, I'll give you the sets that I did. So I set it to have

Starting point is 00:14:46 eight sets of a minute of action with 15 seconds of break. And then you just hit down the bottom and it will come up with the total time that it will take you, which for me was nine minutes and 45 seconds. And you hit let's go. And what I really like about this one, not only is it free, which I think is great but you can listen to other things at the same time so a lot of people I like to listen to podcasts a lot of people like to listen to music and some apps that are kind of like this don't allow you to have other apps going at the same time which I assume would be really frustrating I just simply wouldn't use it and the little beeps just come through on top of what you're actually listening to so it doesn't make it pause which would annoy me as well so yeah

Starting point is 00:15:26 it's called sit or simple interval trainer and if you want to get into any type of like interval training i really recommend it give it a go because it's free so it won't cost you anything amazing vibe for the week is it's emco beauty and i know i vibe emco beauty a lot but genuinely it's like the only makeup i wear at the moment and it's so good now i am not a contour galley i don't do it well and i don't know how to do it and brit will attest to this because once she was like are you contouring the end of your nose and i was like i don't know yeah but people do that no you're just aggressive with it yeah no you were just aggressive you were sort of doing it but it was just a bit wild well okay it's the Emco Beauty Instant Contour Beauty Wand I use the

Starting point is 00:16:05 medium to dark because I think the light to medium is probably not quite dark enough if that gives you some sort of reference point it's $17.40 like it is so well priced and it is amazing if you are not someone who is very good at contour it is a really nice color it blends really really well into your foundation and I think I like it better than just a normal bronzer because it's it's not glittery can you show me what it looks like it's this one I think these are the Charlotte Tilbury dupes right yeah sorry Charlotte Tilbury yeah sorry I'm sure yours is very good too but I ain't $17.40 so the only good that's a good stick my only gripe that I have about this is that unless you re-lock the tip it leaks and you have to be someone who's very good at like opening and

Starting point is 00:16:50 unlocking every time you use it as well as taking the cap off so that would be my one recommendation around product development and packaging development but the actual contents and product itself is so worth chucking a couple of them in your cart when you're at Big W or Coles or wherever you get stuff from love that and also your contouring looks great thanks babe from here with the lights that was weird thank you thank you so much so contoured so fresh okay so my vibe this week is a documentary on Netflix it's currently in the top 10 somewhere trending it's called buy now the shopping conspiracy it is brilliant it's a very different documentary the way it's filmed it's got some like unusual voiceovers there's a bit of ai a lot of cgi

Starting point is 00:17:29 and what it's about is there's a few different angles but it's literally about the mass production of produce whether that's food whether that is clothing it's a big look at fast fashion and it's lifting the curtains on the techniques and tactics that a lot of big brands and little brands but the big brands like they focus on people like adidas for example the tactics that they use to keep you buying and what goes on behind the scenes in those companies that's fed down right from the boss not only just to get you buying but then it takes this different journey on the documentary so it's like it shows you okay this is why you're buying so much produce and then it takes you on this other journey on this is why it's so bad and it forecasts into the future and shows you just the

Starting point is 00:18:12 extent of the damage that we're doing how much we're lied to about what is actually recycled and what like yeah yeah things like laptops you know they say if you bring your laptop back in we will make sure that it's destroyed properly we will make sure that all the parts go to the right place that the batteries because we all know about lithium batteries and the damage of that kind of thing they go like undercover and find out what really happens to them and then it's so dangerous they are not being like the things that we think are being recycled are not being recycled. I watched this after your recommendation, Britt. And I think, especially now, obviously we're in the thick of Black Friday and I found it as someone who runs retail

Starting point is 00:18:49 businesses, I found it deeply fascinating. I've only seen the first half of it, but something that I think I really took away from it is when you think about your big fast fashion moving brands like Shein. Shein is the worst on the documentary. Shein has the highest mass production. I never know how to say it. So Sheen, Zara, H&M, 10 years ago, 15 years ago, when I started Tony May, there used to be seasons. There used to be spring, summer, winter fashion. That was it. So you had your summer fashion label launch. You had your winter fashion label launch. Two to three drops max. And that was it. Those launches were so substantial and robust in how you campaigned them that the products themselves would sustain you throughout the whole year. Because of online

Starting point is 00:19:29 shopping and because of places like Zara, H&M and Sheen. Sheen makes 1.3 million different new designs every single year like products specifically like new tops, new pants, new everything, new products every year. And mass produces each product. Yeah and the thing that's fascinating now is that every brand and it's changed how small brands function as well are expected to continuously bring out new drops. We as a small business can't keep up with the big businesses either but it all talks about how we are being marketed to there is a science around how we are a consumerist society now and and it's the dopamine hits of buying but then what happens with those products once you've purchased them and what happens once you go okay I've worn that shirt

Starting point is 00:20:10 four times now I don't want it anymore and you think you're going to give it to goodwill but like where does it actually end up it is fucking fascinating so fascinating they have whistleblowers from like Adidas, Apple, Amazon people that were working there for like 10-15 years people that were the head of the game that literally walked away and were like, I cannot consciously contribute to this. The part that really made me upset and I was so shocked about were there were a few whistleblowers that were just staff, not CEOs that came forward and spoke about the way that their company was run. They were always instructed to go and throw their products out once they had need expiry date. Now these are great products. I'm talking shampoos and conditioners like liquids.

Starting point is 00:20:44 Then there was another one that was food. So bakery kind of food. And what was happening is there were hundreds of thousands of products being thrown out the back perfectly fine you see the products you see the girls tip the bags out of full products homeless people were going to get the food to eat it because it's great food and they were taking like the shampoos and conditioners and soaps and stuff because they're being thrown away and the company was then instructed all of their staff we don't want to be known as a homeless brand destroy so you will now tip everything out before you throw it out so that they can't use it and they had to pour water on all of their baked goods so that they couldn't eat their food. But it's also the same for designer fashion labels

Starting point is 00:21:20 like your Burberry, your Dolce & Gabbana, your Louis Vuitton. They slash their goods and put them into landfill because they do not want to sell them at a reduced price because then people will wait for them to go on sale. And the other part of it is they will not give their goods to charity because they don't want people from low socioeconomic households wearing them because they want it to be a high-end designer range. It is a fascinating conversation. I actually think that there is way more to this, which we would unpack on an interview episode. I have a really wonderful woman in mind for this. So that is Buy Now, The Shopping Conspiracy on Netflix. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Yeah, I reckon watch it and then we can have a beer, like everyone watch it. We can

Starting point is 00:21:59 have a big conversation about it. Question number one. My parents gave more money to my sibling than what they have given to me. A couple of years ago, my sister got married and my parents gave her a substantial monetary gift for her wedding. I got a third of the amount for my wedding the year before but was still so grateful for anything. Now a few months after their wedding they wanted to buy a house and were loaned the entire deposit from my parents to pay back. A couple of years on they have not paid a cent back and my parents haven't asked for it either. I have received approximately $50,000 less than them over the past three years and now that there's been no repayments or discussion about this, I'm starting to become a bit bitter. They seem to be living a comfortable

Starting point is 00:22:42 life and can certainly afford to do more than my parents can. I'm frustrated at both my sibling and my parents, but don't want this to seem like I am only chasing money. I want there to be accountability. How would you handle this with your own family members? This is a tough one. I'm probably not the best person to answer this because I have different views on this. Well, I have the view that your parents don't owe you anything. I truly believe that when you become an adult, it's not up to your parents to be giving you the house deposit and to be setting you up. Like, I don't know. And there'll be people that completely disagree with this, but I'm going to use my family as an example. I'm one of four kids and my parents

Starting point is 00:23:23 always made sure we had all of what we needed to do whatever we needed to do in terms of education. So if we, it was never pressure, but if we wanted to go to university and that was a choice, they would put us through university to get that education. They all bought us all of our first cars because you're 17, 18 when you get your license, so you don't really have that much money. But then when we were out in the real world and we had our degrees or we had our jobs and we were earning money, then you're an adult now with a full-time income. Why is it up to your parents to be giving you anything else? I'm also in that understanding if my parents pass away, I don't want inheritance. My parents have worked so hard. I hope that they spend every dollar on living the

Starting point is 00:24:01 best life that they have. So I'm the wrong person to ask for this because I would never ask my parents for money and I never, ever have. I do think when I read this question, from what you've said, I'd be probably more upset at my sister because it sounds like you've said your sister's doing better than your parents. She's in a better position. So I'd be more upset that she's, has gone to your parents to say, hey, give me money when, like, why should, I don't know, why should they have to do that? Especially if your sister's better off. I'd be having a conversation with my sister before my parents, but I do understand why you're feeling bitter because at the end of the day, even if you wouldn't have been in that position and you

Starting point is 00:24:37 wouldn't have gone and asked for that money, I understand where you're like, wow, one sibling is getting a real leg up in life. Like that would have been nice if I also had that, but it just sounds like you've probably got a bit more tact. Yeah, I agree. And I also think sometimes we can equate money to love, especially when it comes from our parents. You know, if my parents did this for one sibling and haven't done it for me then it must mean that they love them more than they love me things are not always 50 50 in life like things are not always equitable in that way and your parents may not have even really thought it through in terms of like that you might be feeling as though you were left out or feeling as though that there was an inequality there

Starting point is 00:25:15 because I think it's greater than money right I think for you it feels as though it's a symbol of how much they maybe care about you versus how much they care about your sister and how much they're investing in you versus investing in your sister I think if it's something that's really really upsetting you and you are becoming bitter by it and you are becoming resentful then a conversation with your parents and I know Brit you said it's more anger towards the sister but well the parents wouldn't be giving it if the sister wasn't asking for it totally absolutely the parents wouldn't be giving it but also the parents maybe are just hoping and waiting for the sister to pay back you know like hoping that she might come to that or make that offer of her

Starting point is 00:25:54 own volition rather than getting to a point where the parents have to ask for it back and I think that it could be a really honest conversation with your parents to be like hey I'm not saying this to you because I want money from you I do not want any more money from you at all and I know that there is a bit of a discrepancy between what you've given to Sarah and what you've given to me but I just think that there should be some responsibility from Sarah to pay it back and I and I know that you are being so kind and so accommodating but I feel frustrated because I feel like she's taking advantage of you I don't know whether you feel the same and then have that conversation with your parents and allow them to process it and to decide whether or not they want

Starting point is 00:26:32 to do anything about it because the big thing is is unless you really do actually want that fifty thousand dollars and then that's a whole different conversation it's not for you to worry about it's not for you to fight for your parents to get this equality if your parents are okay they're financially stable even if they're not doing as well as your sister they are grown adults who have made that decision to help out your sister in a way. And I don't think that we are necessarily entitled to our parents' income or to our parents' money. Yeah, we're definitely not.

Starting point is 00:27:01 And the other thing was in relation to the wedding, you said like when you got married a year or two before, you got a third of the amount that she then got a couple of years later. There's also the chance that your parents have gone through different highs and lows in their finances as well. And we all know that when we're in a high, you are more generous. You have more money to give. you have more money disposable money to do things with and then you'll hit your low and of course

Starting point is 00:27:27 you don't have as much money to give so I mean we've all been every single individual all of us go through that the cost of living there's different jobs you might have got the sack you might have a high paying job there are so many different reasons but there's a big chance that that could be it too like Laura said at the start because you got less for your wedding doesn't mean they love you less I think about my own family for example and I hope I don't overstep and I hope no one from my family hears this and cares that I'm saying it but like my mum has given more money to my brother over the years that is just because we have as children we were in financially different positions like he's a lot younger than I was I grew up quicker I moved out of home quicker

Starting point is 00:28:03 I got jobs and I moved into like my professions faster than he did times were tougher when you were the child yeah and also like I think he asked for it as well and so when you ask you often get and maybe you're not the child or the sibling in that environment that asks for things and so because you're not asking for it you're not getting it I don't think that it means that they love you any different I just think that it means that they are financially potentially being like okay well this person's asking for xyz so we're going to give it to them because they've made it known that they need it whereas like you haven't and therefore if you don't ask you don't get kind of situation obviously that might not be the case your mom might love your sister more like

Starting point is 00:28:41 that is also a possibility. It does happen. It's fucked. If that's a reality, what are you going to gain from bringing that up? What are you going to gain from sitting down with your parents and being like, Hey mom, you love my sister $50,000 more than you love me. Like that's an awkward conversation to have as an adult. I don't know. I don't think it's necessary. You literally say, how would you handle this with your family members? I think it's really important that you have this conversation with one of them in some capacity, because you've said, I'm getting bitter and money builds so much resentment. Money is the core of so many issues. unfortunately I wish it wasn't but you hear it all the time I would be going to talk to your sister

Starting point is 00:29:16 first and it doesn't have to be aggressive but it could just be like question do you plan on paying mom and dad back any money I'm just worried about them like maybe it's like I just want to make sure they're all set up for their retirement and I know they're never going to ask you for it back so you know should you set up a plan I would put it in that sense like hey let's try and look after mom and dad as they move towards retirement let's try and get that money back in so that they can be earning their interest I'd have a conversation that way and then it's another conversation if she's like I'm not fucking paying that back like that that's when you have to make a decision if you want to go and speak to your parents or not like how much it's actually affecting you

Starting point is 00:29:50 but then you have to weigh up is the level of bitterness that you feel now is that going to become 10 times worse your family situation and the resentment if you have that conversation with your parents is that going to blow up astronomically within your family dynamic that so that's what you've got to weigh up, you know, benefit exceeds risk. I have a bit of a different take on this. I actually think it's likely that you may be have felt like you weren't the favorite child for your whole life. And this is maybe one of the first things that you can actually measure as a discrepancy. You know, it's really hard to measure love. It's not hard to measure money. And so if you have these things that, you know, if you've grown up kind of being like, oh, you know,

Starting point is 00:30:29 I always feel as though my sibling got more attention, more love, they got more opportunities to do things. Like I just always felt as though they were preferred. You now have a way to literally put a number to that. Yeah. And that's very true. That's where the bitterness is likely coming from. It probably actually doesn't have much to do with the money because it sounds as though you're fine financially as well. Like, I don't know, it doesn't sound as though you're kind of counting your pennies. I kind of see this more as a, it's a very key indicator that you have felt as though you were always second place. But in that, and if that is the case, and that's a very different conversation because sitting down and having a chat with your family about hey

Starting point is 00:31:07 you know Sarah owes this much money and she needs to start paying it back because I feel as though there's a discrepancy here I don't know whether or not having that conversation solely about money is going to resolve these feelings I think these feelings will stay regardless of whether she starts paying it back or not but I think we're also looking a bit deep into this I don't think it all has to go back to you being felt like you weren't as loved as a child there is also a chance that maybe your parents look at you and this is a question you ask yourself maybe you're more independent or maybe you're more financially stable than your sibling maybe your parents feel like you need less help so that is a huge huge thing to ask yourself we can't answer that

Starting point is 00:31:44 I mean look the only thing that I want to add on this because I think we've kind of split it as many ways as we can the reason why I think and I do come back to this idea of like it's not really your place you shouldn't have the entitlement to be asking these questions because it's not your money is that it's very clear that your parents have been incredibly generous to both of you. You said that they gave you money for your wedding and that they also paid for her entire home loan deposit, but that the discrepancy between the money that they've given you is 50k. If that's 50,000 discrepancy, plus they also paid for your sister's home loan and the discrepancy is still only 50k, like that's a lot of, a lot of money. And I mean, not everybody gets that from

Starting point is 00:32:26 their parents at all, you know, any money to help for a home loan or any money that comes for a wedding gift. So I think maybe have a think about what your parents' generosity has been and whether it's a case of this resentment going more towards your sister and her asking, if you haven't been the asker in your family dynamic, I think you have to be very careful with how you handle this because having relationship dynamics be so affected by money is a really sad place to get to. question two i'm in a relationship of almost nine years we're engaged he's the most amazing person ever ticks all the boxes but the sexual attraction and lust has just gone for me i'm starting to have feelings for someone else which is controlling a lot of my emotions at the moment and is clouding

Starting point is 00:33:09 my judgment my fiance and i have just bought a house and we have an 11 month old puppy his parents have gone guarantors for our place as well i feel like i'm stuck in between a rock in a hard place with which way I go about it. Do I stay with my current fiancé because he's the sweetest guy who would do anything for me or do I follow my head and my heart and take a chance on this other person or maybe do I just try and be single for a while? I'm in my late 20s and just scared I might be stuck

Starting point is 00:33:38 in a mentality that I have a lot to lose but also might not be in love anymore. Go to a psychic. Don't do that. That's what we did. Look at us. thriving. Oh, my very first thought is you should not be getting married to someone where you have so many doubts. Like when the doubts are that prevalent, if you feel as though you're not in

Starting point is 00:34:01 love with him anymore, then I think whatever you do, you need to take some time to figure this out before you go ahead with a marriage, because that's a really bad place to start a marriage from feeling as though you're not in love with the person that you're getting married to. could it be cold feet maybe could you have a case of the grass is greener maybe could it be that you need to be single for a bit maybe like a lot of maybes it's but like it's almost impossible to know what the answer to this is but the one answer to this is don't marry someone unless you feel absolutely certain that you're making a decision that is a decision that you're going into with excitement and love and the idea of building a future together don't marry someone because

Starting point is 00:34:42 you're worried about what you know the time that you've wasted or like the investment in them or what else there might be like that's a really really bad place to go into a marriage with I think a really bad mindset also you can break up with someone when you have a house and a puppy like that's not what should be tying you to someone I've broken up with someone when I've had a house with them I've broken up with someone when I had I mean Jordan and I broke up when Delilah was we got her together Delilah was like a baby two literally two months old or something But let me, I do want to validate this. Sometimes it's not about breaking up with the person, right? Sometimes it's about breaking up with the life that you've created and the identity that

Starting point is 00:35:19 you've created together. You might know that you're not in love with that person anymore, but you might love your life. You might love the comfort, the friendships, the way that your life, you know, the routine of your life. And that is a really fucking hard thing to break up with. Yeah, I agree. But I don't think that's where she is personally. She literally, I think it's more about her feeling stuck. She's like, I feel stuck. We have this puppy. His parents have gone guarantor on our house. You go on to say you have no sexual attraction. The lust is gone. You have feelings for someone else. And the key part here is, I'm just going to read it again. Do I stay with my current fiance because he's the sweetest guy who would do anything for

Starting point is 00:35:59 me or follow my head and heart and take a chance on this other person? Your head and your heart is elsewhere. So it's not one. It's not like your head is telling you to stay and your heart's telling you to go or vice versa. You said your head and your heart is elsewhere. I would be thinking long and hard about getting married. What I will say is do not leave this relationship for this person that you're lusting over because that will end in a shit fire. You have to leave because your relationship isn't right. Not because you think there could be someone else that you could have a fling with. You've never been with this person. You have a crush on him. You have feelings for him because maybe you don't have those feelings at home but like it will end

Starting point is 00:36:39 fucking badly if you leave your relationship for this crush I don't think I've ever agreed with you more strongly yes thank you to continue on here's probably where I'll disagree but no I yes but to continue on you're in your late 20s and you feel like you're stuck in this mentality where you have a lot to lose we really get stuck on age I think you know sometimes we're like I don't think I'll find anyone else and I spent all this time sunk cost fallacy all that stuff like I'm nearly 30. Do I really want to start again? This guy treats me so well. I can tell you, you could be with the most perfect person that ticks every single box and they treat you amazingly and you will have a wonderful life. They will never cheat on you, but that doesn't

Starting point is 00:37:18 mean they're the right person. And it doesn't necessarily mean that you're penguin and that you're head over heels in love. You can have two people on paper that are wonderful. That doesn't mean you have to stay with that person. And it doesn't mean you're not going to find it again. I just worry for him as well in a way for both of you but if you're not in love with him in that way and you're thinking you shouldn't be getting married and you're having feelings for someone else I think it would be really selfish to continue in that marriage because it doesn't sound like it's going to end well but you need to do some very deep introspective thinking is this just a moment has this feeling been there is it fleeting has it been there for

Starting point is 00:37:54 like two months since you met him or have you been feeling this way for three years of your nine-year relationship. Well, I think that that's a really clear indicator, right? I think it's so important to be honest with yourself. Did you only lose the lust and lose the excitement in your relationship when something shiny came along? Like when you started to feel those feelings for someone else, because, you know, you've been together for nine years. It is kind of normal in some ways to have a change in your relationship where you don't have as much sexual desire. You don't have as much lust. Like those things are going to wane throughout a long-term relationship and the difference is whether you have the mentality or the drive to work on getting

Starting point is 00:38:33 it back right like you can get those things back in a relationship they don't have to be dead gone left your body I never want to fuck my husband again like you can work on it and you can regain that intimacy sexual attraction all of those things for your partner but the thing is is really being honest with yourself as to whether that has been impacted by the fantasy of what you have with someone else, by the idea and the thoughts and everything else that you have created around what could be with someone else. I want to be careful because we, the last thing we ever want to say is, is like break up when you've been in a relationship for nine years, because the grass is not always greener. Sometimes it is, but it's not always. Sometimes it is, but sometimes you

Starting point is 00:39:14 can take for granted an incredible person who treats you so well, who gives you all of the stability and the comfort because you've stopped putting work on your relationship. You've stopped working on it you stop caring about their feelings their needs your needs like all of that and you've prioritized other things and so your life has just even though you cohabitate you've kind of just drifted into different forks in the road I really want you to and if I was in this position the thing that I think I would do for myself and I think about my relationship with Matt if something like this ever happened I would stop all contact with the other person for a while because for as long as you're entertaining that and you're seeing them and there is this flirty thing going on

Starting point is 00:39:56 it's impossible for you to actually gain clarity around whether you want to be in your relationship or not because you've got this very current and clear temptation that's screaming at you that something better could exist so I would go okay park that figure out whether or not I can fix things with my nine-year relationship with someone who potentially is going to be a fucking great long-term partner. And if in a couple of months time or weeks time or whatever it is, you're like, actually, no, you know what? I can't do this anymore. Then you leave. But right now, the way that you've written this and the way I'm reading it, you're leaving this for the excitement of something else. And you've just got to figure out, I might not be in love anymore. You've got to

Starting point is 00:40:34 figure that out. No one can tell you that. No one can tell you if you've fallen out of love and at what level. But I agree with Laura, cut the external sources and the external temptations and really think about your relationship. Even you don't necessarily have to end your relationship but you shouldn't be getting married while you feel like that. So maybe you can put the wedding off. I don't know how far into the planning you are but you need some time to work it out. We don't expect you and you shouldn't expect yourself to wake up

Starting point is 00:40:59 and be like, that's it, dust in my hands, I'm done or I'm getting married. But she said it. She said it herself. I'm starting to have feelings for someone else which is controlling a lot of my emotions at the moment and it's clouding my judgment. Fucking cut it. Like cut that out right now. That to me is like you are absolutely flirting with fire.

Starting point is 00:41:17 But just don't marry him. That's what I'm saying. No, I'm just saying like don't marry him. Don't break up with him necessarily, but don't go and sign those papers and put yourself and him and everyone through it if you literally don't know if you want to marry him. Like you need to be certain. It is such a huge commitment.

Starting point is 00:41:36 Question three. I am a first-time mum and my baby is now 10 months old. I have been really struggling with connecting to my husband in the last six months or so. He is a great dad and I love seeing him with our son, but it feels like we've just completely lost the spark. I don't feel special or wanted anymore. It doesn't help that he injured himself pretty badly in July and hasn't been able to carry his weight around the house.

Starting point is 00:41:58 This has left me doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the bath, the bed with the baby, etc. We live in a small rural town away from family, so I don't have any help around the house as well, which adds another layer of stress. Months ago, Laura mentioned something about just getting through those early years when you have a baby in terms of staying with your partner. She said it gets a lot better once babies grow up a bit. I would love to hear more about this. And I suppose my question is, how can I try to reconnect with my partner? I mean, straight out of the gate, I don't think your problem is that you have a little one. I

Starting point is 00:42:29 think your problem is that your partner is not pulling his weight. Yeah, but it's multiple parts of it, right? Yeah, but of course, yes, 100%. I don't have kids. We know that. But of course the pressure of having a child is huge on a relationship, on you as an individual. We know that you can get the baby blues.

Starting point is 00:42:46 We know postnatal depression is a thing. We know that relationships suffer in some capacity because there's someone else that needs your attention and your love and your time. But those things are made far more easy if you have a partner that is also helping to contribute. There are two parents. The mother doesn't have to be the person that does everything.

Starting point is 00:43:04 In fact, it should be the opposite. You are literally growing a human. Your hormones are changing. You are fatigued. Your partner should be pulling his weight in some capacity, but it feels like he's gone the other direction. Unless your husband's injury is like a broken back and he cannot move, there is always something that he can do to help.

Starting point is 00:43:22 Like, I don't believe he cannot get up and put some formula in the microwave. I don't believe he cannot order you some dinner or cook you a dinner or pick his clothes up or do a load of washing. like you have to be completely bedridden to not be able to contribute in any capacity also he injured himself pretty badly in July your baby's 10 months old and it's now November so there has been a lot of time in between obviously there's grace for an injury it's not as though you're a heartless bitch you're like get up and yeah of course whips him I honestly it was the most surprising to me how much having kids changes your relationship and I know people talk about it

Starting point is 00:44:00 and I think we were like a small case of it like we were the lucky version because Matt is someone who is he takes feedback really well and he tries really really hard like he's a he's a really great dad and he's a really good partner and you know as much as I take the piss out of him on here sometimes like I'm so deeply grateful for the type of husband that he is because he's a fucking wonder man and he really wanted it he really wanted to be a dad he desperately and he's always said like he wants to be the dad that he didn't have you know and he matches up and stands up to that plate every single day which is why I really like when I answer this question I'm like I have so much empathy for it because even though I had that

Starting point is 00:44:39 version of a partner there was still a period where it was so fucking hard and I remember especially when like Marley was really little and I had her strapped to me and then Lola was little and he was off doing Dancing with Stars and everything else and I had these two little babies and I was doing everything. And we had the biggest fight that we've ever had was when Lola was little and I came home and she just screamed all day, right? Like it was a fucking nightmare. She screamed all day. I hadn't slept and I was running them around and I was still working as well. And he very patronizingly was like, I know this is hard. And I was like, you have no fucking idea how hard it is. You're dancing for 10 hours a day.

Starting point is 00:45:20 I was like, you don't know how hard it is because you're not here. You don't get it. You're not doing it. And I think it's the, for me, it was the, you can't possibly understand how hard this is for me because you are not doing it. You are not walking in these shoes to actually fathom how life-changing this is for me. And that lasts for a really long time. And it's really hard to go from like having only your partner to think about, like yourself,

Starting point is 00:45:48 your work, your partner. you give them so much attention like you're so connected you're like you're having sex all the time like you're so in love and then all of a sudden you've got these other children and other responsibilities and everything else that touches you out and and actually interestingly you also get a lot of love from your kids so there's parts of that emotional connection that you don't need from your partner as much anymore because all of the buckets are topped up and you're overstimulated all the time all I want to say to you off the back of that is it is absolutely no surprise to me that you don't have desire or lust for your partner right now. And it is

Starting point is 00:46:24 absolutely no surprise to me that you're struggling with connecting with him. And this is not your job to fix. You can't fix this on your own. He has to fix it too. The only place that you can start is some really honest conversations around why you feel the way that you feel and how you've given as much grace that you can. 10 months is a really long time to be the sole person to do all those things and that if he wants the connection, if he wants to be, you know, wants a wife who has sex with him and wants all of that stuff, he needs to make you feel desired and he needs to step up to the plate and do the things that seem like they're not connected to sex whatsoever. But trust me, if you see your husband cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids, you'll

Starting point is 00:47:07 want to have sex with him again because you're carrying the full mental load. Yeah. And we say it all the time off the back of our interview with Esther Perel, where she said that foreplay starts, you know, the second sex ends and foreplay is not just physical. Foreplay is the way someone speaks to you, the things that they do around the house, the little extra bits of tidbits of love and affection that they give you in different ways. So whether that is just like, hey, babe, I did the washing for you,

Starting point is 00:47:29 filled up petrol in your car. They are all things that contribute to foreplay because it changes you. It changes your chemistry. I'm like, yeah, pump my fucking tyres. Pump my tyres, you can pump me. It's called chore play. Chore play, yeah. sounds like you've been giving him a lot of grace and you've done a lot on your own. So I think you

Starting point is 00:47:46 can have that conversation. Not you can, you fucking have to have that conversation. Your relationship won't survive if you don't. Like you're going to build so much resentment and disdain towards your partner and the life that you will feel like he is making you live that it will be detrimental to your relationship. And you should feel like you can have that conversation. Unless there's a reason in your relationship that you don't feel like you can go to him and be so open. But I would just say, I need help. I need help. That's the sentence incomplete. The only thing though is, and I know I've spoken about this before and I've said like, obviously when you have little kids, it is the hardest it's ever going to be, right? And then

Starting point is 00:48:24 it gets easier as they get older. And as you kind of can reconnect back to your partner, like everything gets easier, but it only gets easier if you have a partner that shows up and actually does some of the work as well if he continues like this like if you're in a relationship that there's just not any equality around it and you're doing all the kid all the housework you're working all the time like you never get time off that doesn't change when they get older and so the same issues continue the only reason why it gets easier as they age is if you have a partner who steps up to the plate and starts to take some of those responsibilities off you and so I really think that like, this is the time for that, but don't check out of a relationship when you have

Starting point is 00:49:04 a really little baby. Obviously you're not now, but big, big conversations need to be had. And maybe not to relate it back to my relationship with Matt, but it was a real turning point for us when we sat down after the massive blow up that we had. And I explained to him, I was like, I come home from work and I have the kids. And I, when I don't have the kids, I'm asleep. I was like I'm either working or I have the children or I'm doing something for this household or I'm asleep I was like when you don't have the kids that's your time to go to the gym you get time to go you went and had a beer with the boys this afternoon like when you don't have the children you get free time and when I don't have the children there is no such thing as me time

Starting point is 00:49:44 and that was like such a massive shift and and it was a real learning curve for both of us and you know it depends on how your partner responds to feedback and responds to supporting you as to how you're going to be able to reconnect right if you feel hurt you'll feel more connected if he's putting in effort you'll feel as though you have a partner who you've got a team player with but right now you're just doing everything on your own it's no wonder why you feel so fucking resentful well guys that is it from us thank you for everyone that wrote the questions in this week we genuinely love reading them please keep them coming just put ask uncut at the top you can write to life uncut podcast instagram or if you want to be even more anonymous you can just email us you

Starting point is 00:50:23 You can get our email just from our Instagram bio from the contact us. Keep your X-ray and filters coming in. Anything that you think we should know. Your ask and cut aftermaths. We want them all. Everything. Send us all of you. And that is it from us, guys.

Starting point is 00:50:34 You know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love.

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