Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Your free weekly therapy session!

Episode Date: June 11, 2020

Thoughtful Thursdays with ASK UNCUT!You give us your problems and we try our absolute darnedest to give some solid advice. Today we are serving you up a few spicy numbers! “I caught my husband sending inappropriate texts when I was at home with two kids and heavily pregnant”“This is the text exchange with a guy I spent last night with. Does he like me or not? Do I ask to see him again or cut my losses?”And finally, the age old question, “I’m afraid I’ll run out of things to talk about with my partner on a date, what can I do!?”Let’s do this lifers!!Subscribe, hit 5 starts and share the love, because, well, we love love.Oh, and also join our Facebook discussion group! Add Life Uncut Podcast, then join the private discussion group!It’s where we come together as a community to deep dive and ride the lollercoaster.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut Ask Uncut Edition. It is your Thursday drop. It is saucy, spicy, quick, dirty, and damn right interesting. It's where we answer your questions. I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura. Brittany, are you after a radio gig or something? How was that?

How was that? That was just off the cuff. Was that good? Yeah, but I feel like you're like a morning FM host. Did you love the part where I didn't break eye contact? Down and dirty. Yeah, and she was like searing into my pupils at the same time. I legitimately didn't look away from you the whole time.

Trying to seduce me. Well, it's like, yeah, did I? Did it work? Not really. Damn it. Close. I mean, it doesn't take much to get me off these days, guys. Looking at you across the microphone, that's it.

Times are tough. Anyway, guys, you know what this episode is. This is where we answer all of your questions. And we have had quite the few this week that have been written in. Let's be real. Britt has chosen the questions because she's the one who does all the DMs and the Instagram. Actually, no, but to be fair, you've chosen one today.

One that resonated with you. Yeah, well, we did actually put one of these questions up on the Facebook page. And I'm just going to say, come on, guys, like we put these things up there expecting everyone to band together and help the team out. And I feel like this question wasn't answered to the best of its ability. So we're going to answer it probably still not to the best of its ability. But that's not why you come to us. Why do they come to us, Laura?

For our enthusiasm. We did want to just touch base on this week's episode on Tuesday, the breakup episode. we had such a good response from that and you guys uh really took something from that a lot of you have said you're going through breakups currently and it has already really helped you um we love hearing that so it's so nice to get your responses and say that you've taken something from that um and a lot of you just said you had a good old chuckle we love that too yeah well it was wild that was wild we were so wild we're so much that's not what i was saying it was out of control i'm gonna put a leash on you do you want to calm down do you want to stop stop what you're doing

i may have had some sugar i don't know okay so it was wild because it was our most downloaded episode that we've ever done in a single day which is yeah that was a high five boom thanks for that guys we really appreciate it it actually was our highest rating app but it also just goes to show how many people are going through breakups how many people have been through them i think it's like that one universal thing that we are all going to go through at some point in our life and like a little a nice warm hug to say that we've all been through it before but also it's the same for these episodes where you guys write in all of your questions and the fact one that you trust us to answer your questions, but also it makes us realize that, you know, we're all in

this together. We're all going through our own things at different times. And I know I say this every single week, but it's really nice to be reminded that you're not alone in the problems that you're having. We also had a lot of feedback in your own stories that you wrote in to both Laura's and my story on the break-in. So it was a breakup episode, but we started it with break-ins because we thought that worked well no that just happened by fluke chance i know you're trying to like like make some spontaneous correlation nothing's planned guys we could just get on here and we wing it but some of your stories were so funny but there was one that i'm just gonna like completely summarize there was this one girl that wrote in and she was at her boyfriend's

house and it was like 5 a.m and they live sort of on a property like quite like quite away from everything um and it's 5 a.m and she hears that someone's at the door and she wakes up she's like oh my god someone's at the door and they know they're home alone so she wakes her partner up and he's like you're imagining it they hear it again then it goes silent and he's like no i did he's selling but it's gone now anyway awesome yeah no a minute goes past and then they hear it at the back door they're like holy shit they've gone to try and get into the back door now um what are we going to do then i hear it at the front door again they're like oh my god babe there's if i can come in in both entrances there's a group of them they're breaking in as a fucking group we're

being double-ended they get up they call the police the police are on their way they're like people are trying to break into our house it's five eight we don't know what to do they're like lock yourself in your room so i'm so embarrassed for them already in the room and they're sitting there with like some sort of weapon that they've found in their room barricaded and they can still hear the door going like this person's hardcore trying to break in the police arrive and they knock on the front door and like they were even too scared to get out and answer the police because they're like the person's in the house we heard them we heard the doggy door go into the house they now there's a doggy door at the house but it's not for their dog they don't have a dog

it was before that so they hear the police and they're like do we do this what if the person's in the house and we go to the front door to get the police we're gonna get stabbed but they get us on the way we'll be watching too much screen people so she sends him out she's like babe go to the police so she the police are at the front and the back as well the police go the boyfriend goes to the police at the front and the girlfriend goes to the police in the back then the policemen say mate you've lost your dog we've found it they're like what we i don't have a dog they're like well you do have a dog here's your dog and she's like i don't i don't have it she's like i don't have a dog someone's in my fucking house i do not i am telling you i do not have a dog

this goes on she's like check they're going check my house like someone is in there anyway turns out turns out her boyfriend's family dog is so obsessed with them they live across town at 5 a.m he missed this dog missed them trotted across half an hour across the town to find them and then started running around the house trying to get in the front and the back in the front and the back like and then and that's what it was it was the bloody dog trying to break in they'd called the police they'd wasted their time for like an hour and it was his dog i love that this came off the back of your koala story guys i think we've hit capacity no more stories about animals robbing your houses i honestly love it so much very very cute anyway that was that's

what's happened guys it's been two days we've had no more break we recorded on monday nothing has happened in my life but brit got keys to her apartment she lies big things are happening well actually small things because her apartment is very small i don't feel like it's big things happening but i picked up my keys guys i moved my microwave in what else do you need a bed oh yeah that i'll just start now i've got heaps of stuff it's going to be a big few days moving in but for now i got me a microwave and a plant and a plant that's i think that they're the essentials right a microwave and a plant well yeah well i don't know what you have in your house well i mean i've got a pile of shit right here i've got a pile of shit right here brit comes into my house sometimes

and i'm like look it's it's very messy everything is in organized piles of shit no it's this is what happens when you have a kid it's not that it's it's actually not marley's in that pile over there I can see it. I can see something moving. There's an arm. Okay, well, enough of this. Let's get into the questions. We've got three questions for this episode that you guys have written in,

and we're going to make it short, sharp, and ready to rumble. Okay, first up, guys. My boyfriend and I have a lot in common, and whenever we are together, we talk a lot. However, for some reason, I sometimes get nervous before going out to dinner with him, like on a nice date, because I worry that we're going to sit there and not have anything to talk about. how do you come up with fresh and fun conversations on date night when you spend so much time together

already sos so i picked i picked this question this question came in and brute was like no no no like we'll pick another one and i was like i relate to this which is what i love about you and me and our dynamic is that we are so different that we do bring different things because i don't have that issue but it's like i'm so interesting i always have things to talk about you idiot because don't have a long-term relationship but yes I can talk underwater but I meant I don't have a partner I I relate to this so much and I even said this to Matt so like this question came into our DMs last night and I and I said to Matt like oh like don't you remember when we were dating earlier on and like I was like did you ever feel like this with me and he was like no and then I was like

yeah me neither I didn't no I've always felt really super confident and like I knew what I was talking about and then you're closing your apps that are like what to talk about on a date I shit you not I have literally googled that before like how to make conversation and I what I realized is like it's not because obviously this is not just isolated to Matt like I've done this in multiple past relationships it's it's from overthinking if you know that you have a great connection with your partner if you know that you have so much in common the worry and the fear that it's attached to thinking that you're going to go out for dinner and you're going to have nothing to talk about it's just overthinking it's really like putting putting this like

insecurity and pressure on that conversation. And it's really sweet because you just, you know, you want to like make sure that the time and the conversation is always filled, but you don't have to always fill every single moment with conversation. It's actually sometimes really nice to be comfortable in your partner's presence and be comfortable in the silence of their presence. So do you actually have a tip, Laura? Like, would you say Google news articles? Would you say no like but what about the people that actually are running out of convo no so I would say for starters I think exactly what happened with me and Matt when I said to him like oh when we very first started dating I used to get worried that we would not have anything to talk about and

I used to think and like really sort of stress myself out before we'd go for dinners where it's that very like one-on-one no other stimulus to kind of like stimulate the conversation you've just got to talk to each other I used to be a bit fearful that maybe there would be silence in that and maybe we wouldn't have anything to talk about, especially because we had just come from the bachelor world where there's always something and someone generating conversation for you. They hand it to you on a platter.

You don't have to fight for it. Every single time you go on a date, there's something happening around you that you're told to talk about. So this was the first time that we had just been in each other's company. And I was like, oh God, what if we struggled to make conversation?

And so when I was telling Matt about this question, he just laughed and was like, I never felt like that with you. He's like, even if there were times or we didn't have anything to talk about, I didn't feel that that silence was awkward. And so I just think you don't need to fill all your time with conversation.

It's okay to like have silence before the next interesting conversation comes to life. Well, the thing is, there is a such thing as a comfortable silence and it's the goal that every relationship wants to get to because if you're with somebody long-term for the rest of your life, I'm talking 30, 40, 50 years,

I can guarantee you, you're not going to be constantly talking. You're not going to have something interesting to say all the time. so you do want to get to a place where you can enjoy a comfortable silence and I think that is an amazing place to get to so if that's what it is don't stress I am going to add something else and that is I have been in a position before where I was in this position I was having these silences on a dinner with someone I had been dating for quite a while and it wasn't so much comfortable

silence anymore and this is why I had to make a decision that it was time to leave the relationship and it's because it wasn't a comfortable silence it was because I was trying to start a conversation and I was trying to talk about things that were interesting I was posing questions and my partner at the time had zero interest in anything that I did anymore and I it smacked me hard in the face and I realized okay this isn't comfortable silence anymore we just have nothing in common and I think that that is what you need to differentiate is it comfortable are you happy just to chill in each other's company and you get along like a house on fire in every other aspect or is it that you were just so polar opposites in your views of the world what you want in life

what you think is funny what you think is interesting what drives you what stimulates you if you guys are nowhere near that anymore that's when you take a look and think okay maybe we're not on the same path maybe we're not as connected as I thought we were totally but I think in this case because this listener has written in and she says that she does have a lot in common and that they have lots of conversations during the day I think it's almost unreasonable to think that you can spend all day every minute with your partner so much time together and then get to dinner time and have all this wealth of extra things to talk about I think you're putting an unreasonable amount of pressure on yourself to perform like you can't expect to constantly have super super

super interesting conversations to bring to the dinner table because you've already talked all day about all different things and so you're going to sit down and you know like I do think that you sit down at dinner sometimes and you'll talk about the food or you'll talk about a friend or you might not be talking about politics or what's happening in the world or these big great incredible like life-changing conversations because you can't always be having those conversations sometimes I actually still do this now I actually just really love to play this game I'll give an example for you Laura I'll ask things like and I think it's a good way to get to know each other but it's also a hard question it's a way to feel a silence if you do feel like it's

silence so I would say for example I'm just plucking this off of my head Laura if you had to give up wine or cheese for the rest of your life you can only have one what's it gonna be this is like this is like the the g-rated version of would you rather like would you rather found would you wear a hat full of spiders or have penises for fingers that's fucked there's always one that takes it too far no but i actually want to know would you give up wine or cheese for the rest of your life Neither. Yeah, that's the – Laura, the game is that you have to answer.

I give up cheese. Laura, you don't get to say neither. Who are you? Laura Byrne, thank you very much. Winner of The Bachelor, 2015, 16, 17. I don't even know how long ago it was. 1987. I'm so old.

Do you know what else you can do? Just have a kid. Just have kids and then you'll never go out for dinner and you'll never have this problem. And you won't talk, you'll fight. Perfect. You always have something to fight about – I mean talk about. anyway i think to sum this up don't overthink it i mean we're being silly but we are also very

serious don't overthink it we've all been in that position where we have stressed about oh my god what am i going to fill the silence with what am i going to say what am i going to do um don't worry about it just enjoy it and if you're going out and there are every date is super awkward silence maybe they're not the one for you but don't overthink it yes agree couldn't have said it better myself i hate that saying it's so arrogant couldn't have said it better myself I don't think it's arrogant. I've never thought that before. I think it is.

It's like, why would I think that I could say it better? You know what? I couldn't say it as good as you did because you are great. Thank you. There you go. Question number two. Sometimes I can't even with you. Like, I just can't.

I just can't even, so I don't. Question number two. Hey, girls. Question here, obviously, for Oscar. Thanks for leaving that bit in, Brit. I recently went on a date with a guy I met from Hinge. the date went really well we went out for dinner conversation was great he ended up coming back to my place she didn't write that bit i had a chicka wow wow i messaged him the next day to thank him

for a great night and suggested that we see each other again soon his response was thank you it was lovely full stop i haven't responded as he didn't say he wanted to catch up again should i reply or just cut my losses what is he keen or not help cut your losses yeah I I don't want to come in too hot hard and harsh but I from experience I'm going to say I don't think he's keen because we all know that if we want to see someone we will and if he did he would have said thank you it was lovely let's do it again soon when are you free he would have tacked something on to the end of the sentence instead of just saying it was lovely so I think the hard answer for this right now is that he probably did have a great time no doubt but he doesn't see anything in the future

yeah totally like it's it's shit especially if you have gone on one date and you thought that you guys really hit it off and then obviously you guys went home and it progressed to something a bit more I guess there's like that little bit of hope that's tied up in like oh like maybe I'm gonna see him again but I think you have already you've already put the ball in his court you've already said hope that we get to see each other again and his his message back is pretty short and sharp and I think that that in an in and of itself is he's closed that door and he maybe he will open it again but it doesn't really feel like he's opening it to date and to get to know you he may open it again just for a booty call so be aware stay woke ladies I often think also go with

your gut and I when this happens to me when this happens to me you're like every single weekend when a guy ghosts me no but if this happened to me I would always put myself in the situation so I think if I went on a date and he wrote to me and said I want to see you again but I didn't what would I say and that's what I would have written back so I always think if you would have written that to him let's be real if he said he wants to see you again and you didn't you would have said it was great thanks and you would have left it and it's the hard truth and I think deep down usually we know the answer you're asking because you're hoping it's a different response because obviously you enjoyed your time and that bloody sucks and we've all been there we've all

been on the receiving end of you know unrequited love but I think not necessarily cut your losses maybe one day a week two weeks a month maybe he will come back maybe who knows but to answer your question no I don't think you can follow up on this again I don't think you should message him back maybe he will come to you in the future brilliant maybe he won't that's fine move on I think one more thing I want to add to this is do not take this personally yeah and I think that that's really important as much as it sucks and as much as there's a part of it that makes you feel a bit like oh like okay well I mean that wasn't what I expected or what I'd hoped for you don't know this guy you don't know what he's after in a person you don't know what he's after

for his life or where he's at in his life regardless of what he said or what he did on a one night dinner one date that's not enough time frame for you to actually know that person or to be invested in who they are. So you cannot take his actions as an offense to you because it is not a reflection of who you are. It's not a reflection of your worth and it's not a reflection of how dateable you are or another guy who's going to want to be with you in the future. So please don't allow yourself to be sad by one guy and one date that didn't turn into a relationship because he's not worth it. I couldn't agree more. I'm so glad you said that because it is so easy to be weighed down by it and take it personally. What did I do wrong? What did I say? Like why

doesn't he want to date me especially when you think you want to date him but you just you don't know where he's at in his life and on his like crazy weird little journey so let him sail off into the distance because your penguin is coming girlfriend do you remember i told you i'm just gonna tell the podcast this there was a while um no i'm not gonna tell yes you are yes you are get on over here girlfriend bring your face close to that microphone there was a there was a time unveil your soul there was a time um over a year ago now that i started to see this guy and um anyway i was like i am not gonna sleep with you for a long time because i am sick of just dating dating dating dating and going through it so i was like i'm not gonna sleep with you anyway i

remember this guy yeah you remember i knew you anyway and also i like to trial different things like waiting a week waiting three weeks waiting three months like waiting all these different times because you know how people are like can you sleep on the first date or I waited two weeks or there's no rule but I like to trial it to see what works anyway I was seeing this guy and you know a week went by three weeks a month two months and then I thought oh my god he's still wanting to see me and I haven't slept with him he must really like me got to the three month mark I was seeing him for three months why did you hold out for so long because I evidently wasn't that interested in the game yeah well how long can I ask obviously I wasn't to be to be fair we he was never my

penguin we had some nice dinners we had fun but I I obviously didn't feel it but we enjoyed hanging out and I got to the point where I was like how far can I push this before and I was like okay three months this guy actually really likes me let's let's let's do this slept with him never heard from him again no I got I got a message from him being like you know like uh I had a really great time blah blah I'll see you soon how bad was the sex is my question you know on my half brilliant thank you but where this story is going if you guys are all wondering if you're still with me where this is going is that um he slid back on in two days ago yeah but you don't you don't need a guy to slide back on no i just thought it was interesting and he was like hey i'm sorry for

how things left i don't know why i did that i'd love to buy you a coffee and make up for it he's like because you look smoking hot on the tv right now it's funny i was just thinking of you because you're on channel 10 i mean because you just slipped into my mind anyway that was a nice little segue let's get on to question number three question number three is you actually have that it's your reading them oh it's your turn okay so question number three was a question that we put out to the Facebook group and it was a question that we both read and we were like you know what this is actually something that's really important and is going to profoundly impact this person's this listener's life and so we put it out in the Facebook group because we thought we would get

some quick answers to it but I don't think that the listener got these sort of answers that she needs or got the sort of like depth or quality to the responses. So we've decided that we're going to readdress it here. We do think it's really important that when you guys do ask us a question, you get the answer that you want some way, whether that's from us or whether it's from the group. And yeah, we definitely don't think this girl got it. So we're going to re review it. And this is it. Last year, I found out my husband had been sending inappropriate messages with this chick. I was heavily pregnant at the time with our third child and totally devastated. Fast forward a year and we are still together. I made the choice to forgive him. He's been totally

transparent about it all, completely cut her out of his life, answered all my questions, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable they make him or how upset the answers make me. I've had access to his phone whenever I want, all of that stuff. He's copped it all on the chin and never tried to downplay what happened. And I know he's truly sorry and regrets it. Things are good in that aspect, but I still can't totally shake it. I don't want to leave him. It's not that I don't trust him it's just that my confidence took a hit and so I often find myself doubting myself now I don't really know what I'm asking I guess I chose our relationship and this is what I want but how can I completely let go of the past it's a big tough it's I my heart breaks reading this

because can you imagine already having two kids being heavily pregnant with your third child emotions high stress high fatigue high and then you find out your husband's been inappropriately messaging someone else who I imagine probably is younger with no kids and it would you would have taken a really really big hit for your confidence and I can't even imagine so starting out I'm sorry that happened to you that's bloody shit it seems like you do really want to make the relationship work because you've said you've chosen the relationship and and he's been really great it sounds like he's trying to meet you halfway and he's really way you're more than halfway yeah he's giving you everything you've asked for um he's been really open and apologetic

and it sounds like he's doing everything he can to make up for this. So I don't know if you've done couples counselling because you didn't mention that, but I definitely think that that is something you should look at doing because you've made the decision that you want to make it work for yourself and your family. And this is controversial. Not everyone's going to be on board with it.

Depending on what it is, I don't think if there's infidelity in a relationship once, I don't think it has to be the end. I do not condone it. I'm not an advocate for it, no. but I just want to say for families like this that have gone through something tumultuous like this it doesn't have to necessarily be the end you can work through it and we have looked up so many articles from psychologists so many articles from therapists that have said a lot of couples that go

through infidelity and have these tumultuous situations actually come out stronger so I don't want you to write this off and I do think you're in the right direction but I think you obviously need a third party to step in now and help you because you're both meeting halfway and you're not getting to where you want to be so you need someone that's unbiased to come in and help exactly what brit said like relationships can survive infidelity of all like and you this is just text messages like relationships can survive affairs if both parties want that and if the the person who is the you know in the wrong shows up every day and proves and time and time again that they're committed and that they want to change i really do believe that like infidelity doesn't have to

be the end of a relationship and I think I think you just need to give yourself time like it's not been that long since it's happened and so much has changed in your life and you haven't been able to focus on yourself you haven't been able to focus on your relationship because you're focused on a new baby and also your other two children so I think give yourself time to adjust to what's happened to process it and the more that he keeps showing up the more that he keeps proving to you that he did the wrong thing and the more he keeps being open with his phone and open in your relationship then I think over time the more settled you're going to feel the other thing to think about is and we do really want to reiterate that we don't condone infidelity

when we say that relationships can survive it we're just saying that they can survive it doesn't have to be the end but we're not condoning it we're not saying it's okay you can go do it I'll forgive you like I just want to don't want you guys going all crazy thinking we're all crazy I'll cut your balls off but I do think there is this little aspect that you do need to be aware of that there are obviously different levels of infidelity maybe it's just texting like this couple were we're not sure if there's more but she says just texting or maybe it was a full-blown affair obviously they're going to both have you're going to have different coping mechanisms and it's going to it's going to require different levels for you to get back to where you were so

there's not one level of cheating and I think you do need to accept that if you're in that relationship and you have experienced infidelity and you make the decision to stay it may not go back to where it was you can still get to a really good place and continue but if you're holding this really high hopes of if you're if you have these really high expectations of getting back to exactly where you were before the infidelity you probably will find yourself disappointed because it's not often you can get back to that exact place I'm not going to downplay it like I'm not saying that it's not the shittest thing ever to find text messages like that. But I think if it is text messages and in time and you give yourself time to heal, I do think that you can get back to being

very happy in your relationship. And this isn't going to be something that comes up every single day or it's not going to be something that you think of. Yes, you may think of it from time to time and it may cloud your, you know, it may come into your head one day and then that will make you feel sad. But I don't think it's going to be a constant in the future. So long as your partner of keeps on showing up every day being a good husband being committed to you not fucking texting some chick who he was texting and is a great dad I do think that you can get back to being in a really really happy place but just give yourself time yeah give yourself time and accept that he is showing up for you at the moment every day so I think that's a really great should be like

he needs to work hard now so I mean I'm glad to hear that he's doing that but also like yeah that's his job if you guys do have an opinion on this and you do want to help her out that is up on the page it maybe you've been through something similar yourself and you feel like you can relate more and you're listening to us talk and say oh well i would have handled it differently this is what we're here for and why we have the life uncut podcast facebook discussion group so get on board guys and don't forget if you're down and dirty ring a ding ding don't forget if you do want to go and jump on that page guys you're going to go and find life uncut podcast on facebook and don't be fooled by the main page it's a discussion group that you have to join and go into and that's

where the magic really happens we just like to make things really really convoluted but guys that is our quick down and dirty ask uncut episode for the week if you have any questions for us for next week then send them on in just put ask uncut at the top also if you have any accidentally unfiltered stories we're getting low on those guys we need a few embarrassing stories from you so please send them through as well we know you've all got one so don't pretend you don't we don't We're never, ever going to say it. Take one for the team, girlfriend. Send us your most embarrassing story.

We'll keep you anonymous, but we will laugh at you. Please, hit five stars, leave a review and share the love because we love love! We'll be right back.