Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Your free weekly therapy session! Housemate crush, anxiety and how to break it off

Episode Date: May 13, 2020

It’s Thursday lovers and that means it’s almost Friday. Which currently means nothing. But it does means we answer your questions on ASK UNCUT.First out of the gate: A woman is isolating from her boyfriend in another state and she’s found herself in a tempting situation. She’s eyeing off her flatmate like he’s a cookie fresh out of the oven! Girl put the cookie down!! (Says as I eat a cookie)We talk anxiety in these difficult and unprecedented times and some things that may help. Know you’re not alone this. And one poor girl that is struggling to end things with her partner. She’s knows he’s not her penguin, but how do you break someone’s heart when he thinks you’re his!? We hope you guys are all hanging in there, there’s an end in sight so just sit tight.In the meantime, know we love you all.Tell a friend and share the love, because, well, we love love xSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello lovely listeners and welcome back to our Thursday episode. This is our quick, down and dirty episode where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions. I forgot to tell you what's called Ask Uncut, but you know, you probably already know. I think by now they know, hopefully. If you know, you know. You know now. There you go.

How was your day? Mate, don't start. M8? Mate. One of those days. I can always say this for pretty much every episode, but I feel like I hit peak isolation. there was one point today where i was on a work conference call and at the same time marley woke up and i put her down in the lounge room and she found an empty can how do we have empty cans in

the lounge room she found an empty can of formula she just finished dinner and throw it on the ground yeah she starts banging the empty can against the wall and then two seconds later whilst i'm still on this conference call the buzzer goes which means buster goes feral and starts barking and the hello fresh delivery guy is here and so it's just freaking madness guys bless that man's soul he's delivering you food yes he was the highlight of my day the rest of it's been chaos we're a madhouse I don't know if you had to throw in actually homeschooling on top of that I think I just have to pack up and go it's divorce material where would I go because I can't leave I can't go outside I read something really funny today I mean the basis of

our podcast at the moment is dating in isolation and I read a really really funny story about these 22 year old Australians they went on an isolation date now I'm not going to name their names well actually it's name and shame no because okay Samara and Charles that's cute that's not pseudonyms that's their names they went on an isolation date and she went over to his house and they were just going to like have a wine and hang out and get to know each other Is an isolation date actually an isolation date if you physically go to their house? I don't believe that they're keeping 1.5 metres.

No, this is why I don't want to name them because they broke the law. Naughty, naughty. But it's so funny and it's all over the news. So, like, whatever. They're in jail now, lol. The end. Lol or Debbie, cute.

Love that for you. She has gone to his house and just before he got there, he's like, we're starving. So, he's like, I'm just going to quickly eat something and we'll eat together later. He shovels a peanut butter sandwich in his mouth. Classic 22-year-old boy. peanut butter sandwich for dinner they get there they have a drink they're having a chat

a bit down the track it gets a bit heated they have a kiss they're kissing for like 20 seconds oh my god i know where this is going her mouth starts to tingle and she's like no surely not she pulls back she's like have you eaten peanuts recently and he's like yeah i just had a peanut butter sandwich before you came over and she's like oh my god so she's a full-on anaphylactic allergy reaction to peanuts so she grabs her epi pen out she's starting to not be able to breathe properly she's just met this guy she's like stab this in my thigh like say save my life and he's like my god he gets out this epi pen stabs it in her thigh she's like call a bloody ambulance he goes to the hospital with her and they're there until 5am like the whole thing well that's

fucking karma for you guys stay at home stay safe and stay away from peanut butter he put it on TikTok this story right on course he's 22 that's what you do she's dying he's on TikTok well he put on TikTok and he goes if this gets if this takes off I'm gonna take her on a real date and it's already got like 450,000 like likes so they're gonna go on a real date and he can't eat peanut butter but I thought that was such a funny first date especially in isolation it made me feel like I have nothing to complain about I'll take the barking dog the baby with a can and the hello fresh box imagine kissing for two seconds someone you don't know and they're nearly dying but peanut butter is quite pungent like you can smell that every time matt's had a peanut

butter sandwich i'm like well i know you've been snacking well i think when your allergy is that high he could have brushed his teeth and it just could have it just has to be the tiniest bit in there for people like that have an allergy of her severity oh it's suck imagine if you every time you kiss someone you were like talk me through your day first so what did you have for breakfast this is my foreplay oh okay can we talk about something else actually for those of you that in the facebook discussion group thanks for joining those of you that haven't come on you're not gonna know i'm talking about but you should jump on in there's a bit of a recurring theme lately of everyone going back and watching a season of the bachelor the season of true love

what season do you think everyone's talking about not the honey badger not the honey badger everyone's like oh i just i'm so happy to re-watch this season it's the best season it's my favorite season i love everything about this season and i'm like guys you know i'm in this group too like i can see what you're saying let's be real though it's actually a pretty bad season like I've watched some of it back and I was yeah I've watched some of it back and both Matt and I cringe so hard whenever we watch it we're like we're both so nervous Matt thinks he was really really bad he's like he's like feels like he's very monotone because he was so nervous that he just couldn't get his words out properly and I watched myself on there and I and because I know at the time

that I was so worried about saying something wrong or doing something wrong I feel like I am a watered down version of myself I hate watching it you are really you but you're like a subdued you I don't know I watched that series back and I it's like a nerves thing feel like I look I don't I just don't feel like me I feel like I was being a very proper version of myself that's what I was I was the I was the best version of myself and you know you know that you're not really you when people write things like I often get people writing on Instagram saying I didn't really like you on the show but I like you now you're way funnier in real life when people say that you're like oh oh god anyway once you guys have all finished that season feel free to watch mine

thanks bye guys I am gonna have to go rogue for a minute because not much has happened in the last 40 hours since I've seen Laura I was going through the emails today and I stumbled across this accidentally unfiltered and I just I giggled so hard in my bed and I felt so hard for this girl that I don't want to wait until Tuesday. Wait, so you're saying nothing else has happened? You mean that my story about Amali smacking a can against the wall wasn't good enough for you?

I mean, that had me on the edge of my seat, Laura. Someone help me, save me from myself. Okay, I'm just going to jump in. Ready? So I have been dying of laughter for the past 10 minutes at my own misfortune. Today, my friends bought me a vibrator. Anyway, tonight I thought I would give it a whirl.

I'm currently isolating at my parents' house, so I waited until everyone was in bed so I knew the coast was clear. So I whip out this vibrator, I turn it on, and I get into bed. Just before I start my self-pleasing session, there is a knock on my door and my dad comes in. I'm completely embarrassed and I quickly go to switch off the vibrator to only remember that I haven't even read the instructions on how to turn it off yet.

So I start pretending to have a coughing fit to mask the vibrations that are coming from my bed. But I could only last so long until my dad handed me a drink bottle. Here, sweetie. In complete silence, with the sound of vibrations coming from my bed, dad looks at me and asks, is that your phone ringing? I quickly respond with, yes, dad, that's my phone. That's exactly what that is, dad.

Yes, dad, that's my phone. As I'm hitting my vibrator under blankets, trying to turn it off, we both look directly at my face-up phone with a complete blank screen on it, sitting on my bed. I look up and I instantly notice that he has worked out exactly where the vibration was coming from. Before I knew it, he was headed for the door and tried to act super cool by saying, Night, sweetie, see you tomorrow. Before shutting the door.

It's been ten minutes now and I still can't work out how to turn it off. Please send help. Do you know what I love about this the most? My favourite part of this is that ten minutes after, she decided to send that to us. I know, she was thinking of us in her self-pleasing session. and life doesn't get better than that gosh you know that when something goes terribly wrong in your life and you think of us that's the person i want to be that's where i want to be on your list of priorities in life so to whoever yes i take this deeply as a compliment i don't know

if i told you this or if you read it yourself but somebody actually wrote in and said they had a sex dream about you did you know no wait what was i doing what was i doing in the sex stream i need to know more she's going to detail what you didn't ask her it was just a message throw no i don't want to know what her sex dream with you was i want to know i'm really flattered she's going to be listening so tell us if you've had a sex dream about me please let me know a mama needs that sort of confidence booster guys it's been a while it's been a hot minute why isn't anyone having sex dreams about me or watching my season of the bachelor yeah look while i'm over here getting my ego stroked somebody come in here for britney can somebody just have a sex dream

about her for a change anyone anyone come on anyway so I just had a good chuck I had a really good chuckle in my can you just imagine if your dad walked in I thought you're about to say if you could just imagine having a sex dream about you and I was like god I'm not that bad imagine that moment but you're like oh yes yes it's my phone then you both lock eyes and look down at your blank phone on the bed and you're just like that click in his head where he's like guess what dad I don't need help with this you really need to go thank you how do you ever I just I picture it like it's funny seeing our bridesmaids or something she she's coming in and it's just like you can see it under the blanket like vibrating across the bed all right sweetie it's so funny

all right guys on today's episode you know what it is you've written in some of your real little life pickles your real pickle dickles you're facing and we have picked out a couple this week that we're gonna answer and although we may not be qualified with our advice giving our advice comes from many years of experience and loads of enthusiasm which i think makes up for it it's far more important so much more important all right give me question number one okay question number one i've been with my partner for about 13 months but we are isolating in different states over the past few weeks i've started to develop what i think are feelings for my flatmate we've only ever been friends i've never looked at him that way before but all of a

sudden i see him in a new light and i'm very very tempted to see where this goes i don't know what to do girlfriend you're not gonna do anything yeah mate mate mate housemate yeah mate mate don't do it don't do it even if you didn't have a boyfriend i would say this is a dangerous territory yes yes i agree but i also think really just sounds like stockholm syndrome you know when you've been stuck inside with someone for so long and you start to fall in love with your captor that's what's happening here your housemate is your captor you've seen no one else and then all of a sudden your housemate's starting to look good this is not the option imagine you were a vegetarian bear with me imagine you were a vegetarian you've always been a veg you don't like me you don't eat

meat but then all of a sudden you're locked in your house and the only food that's available to you is crumb chicken you're gonna end up eating the crumb chicken aren't you you probably think the crumb chicken's pretty good. Yeah. So I feel like this is basically the same thing. So you don't really like crumb chicken. You are a vegetarian. You're all about that celery and you're going to go home and you're going to get that celery as soon as isolation's over. It's so true what Laura just said. It's like being on The Bachelor as well. It's like, there's no way that those 30 women go in to that house and all of them love The Bachelor. All of them think he's perfect. All of them want to be with him. It's that idea of it's the only thing that's been available to

you for a little while you spent a lot of time together you've probably made more of an emotional connection with him than you have ever before and making an emotional connection it brings you so much closer to somebody to a human even someone that you haven't ever looked at that way you see them on a deeper level and you realize new things about them and then all of a sudden you're like oh maybe maybe this is something here like I've never shared this with anyone before and then you think maybe I'm sharing this with you because there's something in between us I'm sure as well with your with your boyfriend since you haven't been able to see him and there's been this like disjointed very unnatural separation that's happening at the moment I guess like that does

make it more difficult to feel really connected and feel really loving with your partner and I'm sure once isolation's over you will have those feelings again I just think you need to be wary that we aren't our feelings. And if you are sort of starting to think that maybe you have feelings for your housemate, you can shut that down. You don't have to entertain it. And if you do want to entertain it in the future, obviously there's a right way of going about it. You need to break things up with your partner. You need to have that conversation and then you can explore it. But I wouldn't be doing that unless I was sure as shit certain that I really wanted something with my housemate. Look, I have a friend that's doing it right now. She recently, like before

isolation probably three months ago she moved into a new place and the house was not great the room was not great but her deciding factor was the guy that was showing the property that she'd be sharing with she thought was really attractive and she told me this she's like I'm gonna take it the room is tiny but I think it's gonna be great and I was like you you think he's hot don't you she's like yes I think we had a connection and I'm like do not do this this sounds like a recipe for disaster I do not I was like do not take this place because of that I said you're better off to take another place and then you've got his number now you know him and then maybe go meet him anyway she was determined it has been a shit fight for like two months because it hasn't worked

out there's so much tension in the house she needs an out she's like what have I done this was the worst thing I ever did and I just think I mean she's like yes you told me so but I don't think especially in this time imagine if you hook up with this guy a you're cheating on your boyfriend not cool b you're stuck in a tiny house with him but we still don't know how much longer yeah I'm like really against hooking up with housemates unless you are so certain that the feelings you have for them are undeniable like I do have a friend who is now married to and has kids with a guy who was once upon a time just her housemate but she this was like they were together and living together for years. And she had been in love with him for years. So I honestly think

don't shit where you eat. Don't complicate your life. Don't create drama unnecessarily. It's a very weird time. You're spending a lot more time with your housemate than what is normal and what you normally would. And it is natural that you will feel closer to them, but don't confuse that closeness with romantic feelings. And definitely don't explore those romantic feelings unless you have put a very clear cut line in the sand with your current partner it's just not nice behavior so do you know I actually did this when I was in Scotland I moved into this house that I found for rent moved in the guy was a rugby player he was off playing rugby um so the house was empty so I was supposed to just move in for a few months while he was off on a tour he moved back and I

was supposed to move out but he was like oh you can stay longer like no rush because I think he thought I was cute he was not bad and I was like great so we became flatmates then we started to see each other which was really awkward because we were I was making him do it properly I was like take me on a date so he would take me on a date and then when we got home our rooms were next to each other and I'd be like thanks for the date night not going to my room he would go into his room we saw each other for probably three months and then I moved out because I thought this is if we're actually going to date we cannot live together I moved out we ended up not working out but four years later we're still really really good friends but the only way we maintained a

friendship was because when we started seeing each other I took a quick exit I just don't think you can start a relationship like that yeah it's a massive I mean it's a massive pressure cooker like some people can and some people do but I do think that you are inviting a lot of drama into your life something that we need to be wary of when we have an instant connection with someone or like you know we start to feel like we have feelings for someone you do have control over that Like we're not just completely slaves to our emotions. You can be very aware that you're starting to develop some romantic feelings and you have the ability to shut that down if you want to. It's called temptation, but it comes down to how invested you are with your partner

and in your relationship. If you're not invested in your relationship, if you don't love your partner, then that's another, that's another conversation you need to break up with him and then open your life up to a new person. But I think that that's what you have to deal with first. And if you still have feelings for your boyfriend and you just are now starting to grow a little bit of a feeling for your housemate, I think you need to be really wary of that feeling. Don't actually think it's real. I think it's just your feelings are getting the better of you. It's a fantasy right now.

100%. Yeah. I like that we really started off crazy with the food metaphors and stuff, but we got there in the end. We're here. We're here with the advice, girlfriend. I hope you stuck with us. Okay.

Question number two. I'm not an anxious person and I never usually feel stressed but right now my anxiety is high at least that's what I think it is I feel really overwhelmed sometimes I feel like I can't get out of bed sometimes I feel like I can't breathe what do I do what is this oh yeah that's anxiety that's a straight up anxiety but I also think that a lot of people are feeling like this at the moment I know that I spoke to you about this Brit recently how I'm not often someone who struggles with anxiety and since this whole situation and and working from home and being at home and constantly like feeling like there's this tension in the air that's like really put me in a space of of

just raging anxiety on certain days I think it's one I think it'd be be kind to yourself like it's it's really normal that you feel like this right now and I think that so many people are feeling like this I think the second thing is is if you don't feel like it's coming from anything like as in like, if you can't pin down a certain specific thing, like maybe you've got too much work on and that's, what's making you anxious. If it's a specific thing that you can pinpoint, then that's usually easier to tackle because you can at least identify why you're feeling this way when it's just this overwhelming feeling that's born out of nothing. I think that can be when it's really, really difficult to actually get your head around. But I think that there are a few

things like going for long walks, talking it through with your girlfriends, talking it through with your partner if you're in a relationship and really explaining that you just don't feel yourself and having that support network around you is really, really important to working through anxiety as well. There's something that I was taught a little while ago, a couple of years ago now, when I was in a bad place and I used to have panic attacks and that feeling that she says when she feels like she can't catch a breath, like she can't breathe. And what I was told to do and what I found works so I'm going to tell you guys is to really try to control your breathing to a seven to five pattern so you breathe in for seven seconds hold it for two breathe out for five

and you just continuously do that and that's essentially going to train your body to relax to calm down and just let you get back to a place where you feel like you you can breathe again so seven to five seven in hold for two out for five that's what I was taught I'm sure there's a lot more out there right now but personally that's what works for me well one other thing I think that that is like it's a very hot topic of conversation has been for like the last couple of years but it works and I think that when things do sort of catch a bit of momentum then you kind of have to listen to it and that is the concept of mindfulness and actually like allowing yourself to stop, allowing yourself to be present, allowing yourself to be very mindful

of the things that are happening around you and to you at the time. And that also gives you sort of a sense of slowing things down a little bit, that if you are feeling really anxious and you are feeling extremely stressed out, taking a minute, doing some deep breathing, really thinking about the positive things and the good things that you have in life and all the things that you have that bring you joy and bring you happiness to try and retrain your brain to to move away from this anxious feeling they're also really important tactics as well but I mean like I said before one of the things that works the most for me is is talking it out with someone who I love and just having someone to be supportive and say like I know that you feel like this and that's

okay and validating that feeling because there's nothing worse than feeling anxious for no reason and then feeling like you're anxious about being anxious so it is really nice to have someone who supports you in that and you can talk to about it i think for me at the base level it would be to go for a walk and get outside get some sort of exercise and fresh air if possible and like you said laura talk to a loved one or someone you trust at a bigger level the next step up if you know that this is just really really not right and it is becoming too much you are still allowed to go and see a GP. You can still go and seek professional help. There are plenty of people you can speak to online. So if you don't even want to go out, there are GPs doing consultations

online. There are psychology sessions online. There's a, there's a lot available to you. So don't ever feel like there is nothing out there and there's nobody that cares because there are way, way, way more people that love you and care about you and will be there for you than you realize i mean it used to be really stigmatized to go and and like talk about going to therapy there used to be like this real like oh she's going to see a therapist she's in therapy but you know what it's kind of cool now it's like everyone's going to therapy you don't have a therapist you yeah you need you need to have that one hour and a half hours of a week to talk about yourself you and i just talk to each other we are your free therapy session that is what we're here

for but if you need a little bit more therapy we are both such advocates for it we think it's really important to have a base to have a home to be able to talk to someone about what you're feeling and experiencing and if you can't get that good advice from a girlfriend or from a loved one then a therapist who is skilled and experienced in dealing with these very specific issues who can give you strategies for coping with your specific type of anxiety i mean we're all for that i love an excuse to talk about myself guys as you already know all right next question all All right. Question number three. Is this going to be the last one? We're doing a, just a slap happy episode today. Yeah. Slap dash and get out of here. What he said. I've been with my boyfriend

for a year and a half and I live with him and his mother. I know that he's not my penguin and I know he's not the one, but I don't know how to break up with him. I literally don't know how to break up with him. I've been wanting to break up with him for months now. And sometimes it's on the tip of my tongue and I physically can't get it out. How do I do this? I don't want to hurt his feelings I don't know what to do during this time but I know he's not my forever person I really really feel for this person because I have been in this situation before and I spent almost eight months thinking I need to get out of this relationship and just couldn't do it because he was such a nice and good guy and he treated me so well and there was no reason why I shouldn't

be with him except for the fact that I wasn't in love with him and the idea of like hurting him just cause me physical pain. So I, I get this. I understand how much, like, I mean, obviously we just spoke about anxiety, but I understand how much anxiety knowing that you're going to hurt someone can cause you. I know how much fear is, is like involved in that, but I do think there has to come a point where you've got to do what's right for you. And part of that means that you have to have a really hard conversation. And sometimes that's impossible for somebody who's a conflict avoider but what I found ended up being really helpful for me is that I set myself a day and I set myself a time and I was like okay tomorrow when he comes home from work I am

going to have this conversation the second he walks through the door I'm going to have this conversation and what I found is like the minute I started the words actually started coming out of my mouth it's just getting that first sentence out of of I'm really not happy at the moment and I don't think that this relationship is right for me that once you've said those words it flows the conversation flows but you have to get that first sentence out I'm a really big fan of honesty is the best policy and all you're doing is postponing the inevitable all you're doing is dragging on if he like if you guys have been together for a year and a half like you said you're living together he probably thinks you're end game he probably thinks you're that serious and if you know deep

down you're not all you're doing is stopping him from getting on with his life and moving on you're stopping yourself from finding what your happiness is and who you're meant to be with and stopping your next chapter from happening so I think the best policy is honesty you just need to sit down with him like Laura said just say tomorrow when he gets home from work I'm just gonna have this conversation and you just need to start it with I don't know how to say this start it with that I don't know how to say this I've I've been thinking about this and I just I can't speed around the bush anymore I'm just not happy I just don't think we're right and it will the conversation will just roll he's going to say what do you mean if he's surprised he's gonna say what do you mean like

what aren't you happy with and then you'll just have an adult conversation you be honest you tell him your problems you tell him your issues and you just say I I love you so much I honestly do and I just know that this isn't forever and I think it's the best thing for both of us to look at going our separate ways. Just to add on to what Britt said, it's really important to have an exit strategy. Where are you going to go after you've had this conversation? Are you going to then leave? Are you going to, you know, have a bag packed? Are you going to go to your mum's house? Like you need to have an exit strategy to make it easier. And also so that you don't end up having this same conversation all night, because this can drag on and on and on if you allow it to,

because he will obviously be really hurt and he will want to understand why. And so you do have to have some parameters around, okay, we're going to talk about this until you both feel like you've said everything you can say, and then one of you needs to leave. So I do think it's important for you to have an exit strategy in place. But lastly, just on this as well is, is the more that you procrastinate about this, the more you're going to turn this into an insurmountable big deal. And the more fear is going to get tied into it, the more anxiety that you're going to feel towards it. So every single day that ticks by, it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger and harder and harder and harder. You just have to make that decision in your mind and then act on it and put a definite

date and set some boundaries and also start to think about what your life is going to be like afterwards. Start picturing how happy you're going to be, how you're going to be able to be in a relationship that you want, what you're going to do when you're single. You really need to picture your life outside of this relationship as well and and that's a really important part of the process I think something else to be aware of and something I've definitely been through Laura I'm sure you have I'm sure most of you have is when one person doesn't want the relationship anymore and the other person really does there's often this cycle where you try to end it and you have to be prepared that they will say please please please no let's give it one more go I'll change

I will do this you have to be prepared that he's going to beg you want to convince you to stay so if you know deep down that it's absolutely the wrong thing you need to be prepared for that and be prepared like Laura said have your exit strategy and say look it's best I don't stay here tonight we can talk about this again tomorrow but otherwise you'll get sucked back into where you were and you'll keep on the trajectory that you're on which you're not happy with so have that in mind when you start the conversation it is going to hurt having a having a difficult conversation with someone and hurting someone you love will hurt you as well and you know it's it's part of being an adult it's part of growing up it's part of being able to better manage conflict and you

will grow from this experience as well and you will learn from this experience and so sometimes to be able to move to that next chapter in our life you have to do really really hard things and this is one of them yeah oh ouch oh it hurts it's hard well guys you know how this works that is it for us for ask uncut today three quick questions keep those questions coming in please and keep the accidentally unfiltered filtering through as well because we love those shout out to the accidentally unfiltered today i just hope you've made amends with your dad maybe just take him for a beer or something i also hope that you've learned how to turn your vibrator off two two things on off both very important not these days technology's come far there's like

25 buttons it's got like a remote control you've got bluetooth you can sing to your phone play music do it from in the car put beats on um all right guys thank you to thank you to everyone who's written in questions for today if we haven't gotten around to writing back to every single message on the instagram and the facebook that is because there are so many of them and we are doing our best to get through every single one but also we just want to say a really big thank you to everyone who has shared when they're listening to the podcast on their instagram stories we love seeing how you guys are listening to the podcast we love you interacting with it it's just amazing to see the little community that we're growing and thank you to everyone

who's left reviews if you haven't subscribed highly recommend you should do that shout out to the girl that left a review and said that our voices were like a lullaby because no one has ever referred to my voice in a lullaby. I reckon she was drunk when she wrote that. Do you reckon? Yeah. I love it. A bit of isolation drinking for you.

It's there. It happened. I'll take it. It's on the internet, so it must be true. You know the drill. Tell your friends and share the love because we love love. We'll be right back.