Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - You're my bestie, but please don't shag my brother

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

Welcome to ask uncut Thursdays Lifers!Today we are diving into your deep, dark and burning questions!-My best friend and my brother had been secretly dating behind my back for a while. It ruined my friendship with her.Now they've broken up and he's seemingly interested in another of my friends.Where do you stand on your siblings and your friends hooking up?-My partner is still in contact with their ex because they still have a loan on a car together. But I find their messages a bit flirty. My partner says that the contact is just like that to make sure they get the money back. Am I weird to be thinking something is up?-How do you manage when your partner is really private about their finances? We kick off this episode by talking about a guy who helped a woman give birth on their 4th date! And it's turned out pretty well for them!If you have a question you'd like us to tackle, slide on into those DMs @lifeuncutpodcast on instagram!Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your friend, tell your dog because we love loveeee! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura.

And this is our Ask Uncut episode where we answer all your deep, dark and burning messed up questions. Actually, to be honest, the questions on today's episode are pretty reasonable, I think. They're like, no, they're great. They're good, but there's none that are like really... It's not like, hey, how do I have anal sex and, you know, I don't even know where I was going with that. How do I have anal sex and eat a burger at the same time?

Well, you just do it. Okay. Well, I mean, could you imagine trying to have anal sex and eat a burger at the same time? That's probably some people's dreams. I mean, everyone's got a kink. We're not here. Two birds with one stone.

Not here to yucky yum, that's for sure. Okay. We went so wrong on this intro. I woke up so fucking sick this morning, guys. I also love that I'm sitting across from you when you tell me this. Okay. I woke up with all of the symptoms that one might think that they would have if they were to have COVID. And then I went on to, and this is not sponsored. This is not a sponsored promotion. I don't know what it is, but maybe it should be sponsored.

I have a recommendation. So I woke up and I was like, oh God, I'm getting so sick. Mind you, I think I'm just run down from like not sleeping and you know, just everything else. So milk run. I didn't know about this, but I needed to get a rat test. And I also needed some emergency see nappies because we were down to our single last nappy in the morning and I downloaded the milk run app and then 10 minutes later not even it was like eight minutes later my rat test and my nappies were here okay so I have only they gave us some free m&ms did they yeah like a tiny little packet sample size everyone raves about milk run I don't know how they do it I don't know how you can press go and then the order is at your house in five minutes like where are you coming

from do they lurk in every single street in case someone puts the order in I can't even get both kids in the car in that time and to a shop in the same time it took them for me to place the order and them to come and I know I know that there's people listening to this and you guys are going to think we're getting paid for this segment but we're not we're absolutely not and milk run if you are listening you're amazing and maybe you should jump on the podcast and if anyone doesn't know what they are the only reason I knew what they were is because and actually it's so funny to say this because I saw so many people over the last probably two months posting about milk run but everyone was saying the same thing everyone was like guys this is not sponsored I just can't

believe how incredible they are it's like how does it work it's like magic yeah the magicians yeah I mean better than uber where you have to wait 45 minutes in the rain for them to come and then they cancel oh speaking of rain Sydney wow Sydney got hit by the floods uh the wind the storms last couple of days were absolutely insane but I thought my house was going to collapse I was sitting in the lounge room by the window with Delilah now I leave the door open for Delilah so she can come in and out i've got quite like a roomy backyard i know what your backyard's like mind you brit also now in that backyard has an f off gum tree like i'm talking a humongous gum tree that is like just absolutely towering over the backyard so laura will know this but they've

been trying to get this gum tree taken down for a long time not because it's inconvenient but because they thought it was dangerous a house essentially you know the big ones that they look like 50 years old it would be horrific for to take it down but the house probably should have never been built that close to a tree of this size anyway I heard this I can't even explain what it sounded like and the whole house shook and I was like oh my god you couldn't even hear the wind was howling I went outside and this whole gum tree had fallen into my backyard onto the balcony above me and was completely blocked I couldn't get in I couldn't get out it was huge if we were out like it legitimately would have killed someone I can see why it's so dangerous

to be out in storms for a multitude of reasons when it's like this everybody who lives in like North Sydney and you guys might have seen it on the news if you're not from Sydney at all but there was some really extreme flooding that was happening over in Manly area yesterday which was the day before yesterday for anyone listening today yeah I just want to say like everyone who's continuously affected by what is going on at the moment we are all thinking of you absolutely but let's move on to hopefully by the time you're listening to this hopefully we're out of the storms hopefully it's done we've seen the back end and we can all as a country start to move forward but I want to tell you laura about something that someone has done we have a lot of heroes in australia at the moment

going around in all these natural disasters but there's one in particular that has been labeled man of the year oh has nothing to do with storms has nothing to do with anything isn't man of the year usually done by like what's that magazine that does like the hottest man of the year is that what we're talking about yeah no and it was the guy with the dad bod this oh yeah that we're like why are you any this was an unofficial man of the year this is just like tiktok and the news hailing him as man of the year this is like just people that want to be with this person because i mean considering of all the heroic things that have happened in the last six months all the incredible things that humankind have done i would like to ask what makes this man the man of the

year and i'm feeling like it's going to be something incredibly lowbrow there it is you got me his name is max sylvie he's 25 and there is he's been labeled man of the year and like such an incredible catch is he was on tinder doing his thing swiping away wanted to meet someone wanted to go on some hot dates and he came across alissa alissa was 20 years old he was like alissa's cute alissa was also on tinder alissa was like i want to meet some people too i want to go on some dates i want to bang i want to whatever she wants to do alissa was also six months pregnant now she wasn't with the father or for whatever reason she was out there wanting to date and she was very open about it she said I didn't try and hide anything like you literally can't hide it

you're six months pregnant well you could in the photos that you could turn up to date there's like my belly if ever anyone was going to do this that is like the most extreme form of catfishing like I'm sorry you don't quite look like your photos it looks like there's an entire other human inside you right now it's the one thing you cannot catfish so she's she's like no I just owned it she's like I wanted to you know still date so I was like hey I'm six months pregnant here I am wanting to date so they came across each other and Max was like I never normally would swipe yes to somebody that was pregnant he's like I just wouldn't because I didn't want you know there wasn't my time in my life the quote unquote baggage yeah yeah so but he said there was

something about her didn't know what it was saying about it so he swiped yes they matched they went on a couple of dates but he's like flying flying out they don't live together so over probably I don't know don't quote me maybe like six weeks they went on four dates three dates I should say on the fourth date he was flying in and to see her she was on the way to the airport to pick him up and she went into labor so she had to detour from the airport on their fourth date fourth time ever they've met each other message him she's like this baby is coming and then he had to get in a taxi and go to the airport and then he was her birthing partner he was in the hospital with her while she gave birth to the baby now they live together they're a couple

and he's like the baby daddy so I've got a little grab here I'm just gonna play it because it's actually they're actually so cute and I tell you what some things obviously really are just meant to happen like life is supposed to go a certain way for certain people and this was definitely the way for them so Max and I had been together for eight weeks before he came to my birth and out of those eight weeks he'd probably only gone on three or four dates with me so the fourth date was him coming to my labor and birth and delivery like what and we're still together now thankfully so the thing here is too where it gets bigger and better is that it wasn't just that he was like oh I'm just gonna do her a solid like we're supposed to be on the date it would be awkward if I didn't

go and help her through the birth like he's not just like oh I'll just go because I'm already here and I'm she was picking me up and I got nowhere else to go I mean I wondered what you do at that time like do you you go in you're the birthing partner do you then cut the umbilical cord like is that is that your role was it kind of like I guess on fourth day assumed that he was going to be involved or did he have a moment where he was like I think I'm gonna be a daddy at that point he didn't have an option she was like I'm going to labor I'm going to hospital right now what I would hope in that situation is pretty standard response I okay I'll meet you there like make sure you're okay but what happened was it was a bit of a premature labor like a bit

of a false alarm so they got there and then they said look you're not quite ready she went home they sent her home she went to she was like in labor quotations for seven days so he was there for that period as a bitch of a pre-labor so it's not just like yeah it's not just like he's like did her a solid on the day because he was already on the quote unquote date he went with her for a week helped her through it then went back and went through the labor with it for seven hours then he took a week off work like paternity leave he took a week off and helped her because she didn't have anyone else and now they're they're completely in love and they're moving in together and i think it's just the most wild craziest story but this is why on tiktok it's just exploded and everyone's

saying that he's man of the year people are non-stop commenting does he have a brother does he have a cousin does he have a twin how do I get me one of these men it's just gone bonkers I think this okay I think this is so interesting for a couple of reasons one like very happy for them I'm very happy that they everything worked out incredible for them they're so cute you should see them I know like amazing adorable and I love that like you know somebody has stepped like he has stepped up to the plate and taken on that incredible responsibility of like being a father figure to this baby when he absolutely didn't have to but I do think obviously this is an incredibly unique situation and coming out of just having a baby as a woman is a really it's a very

transformative time it's also a very stressful time and it's not a time that would really lend itself to the beginning of a relationship however I do think that there is like a greater conversation in this around why as a society do we deem single women who have kids way more undateable than like a man who has kids and the reason why i say this is because everyone jumping on this being like oh my god he's man of the year i know women i know women who have gotten into relationships with a guy who has a newborn baby obviously he wasn't with his ex but she was pregnant like i know women who have done that and we don't think of them as woman of the year why do we have such a different lower standard for a guy when a guy chooses to be in a relationship with a woman who's got a

newborn baby well i think this that is entirely a very great question laura because of the fucking patriarchy no i think no i think that there is a level where we know a newborn child relies far more heavily on the mother so and unfortunately moving forward i know a lot of couples that have split and they share custody of their children i have had a lot of friends that did it growing up i've got a lot of people i know now that do it with their kids it's not often that you find a split couple that is 50 50 it's very rare usually it's like 80 of the time the children are with the mother figure because it's impossible to disrupt a child's schooling and things like that by doing 50 50 so most relationships and i'm not speaking for everyone but most of the time it's

like kids will spend 80 of the time with the mother so they're at the same all week they're at school they've got consistency they've got routine and then the the dad often will get the weekends or every second weekend all the fun stuff so i think what it is is i think when a woman approaches a man like that there must be a level i'd probably think the same thing there must be a level of oh okay he's got a kid but they're not full-time they don't live with him all the time he's still i'm still gonna have access to this person to have you know a lot of alone time and a lot of time to get to know each other but for the guy entering for a newborn i guess it's like this baby is going to be stuck to that woman's body that the breast like you know that how needy

and dependent they are so i think that is like a small level and i do get what you're saying i completely agree with that and i almost think that even that like those roles are so heavily steeped in the way society views the role of a mother and the role of a father and like single dads are deemed and like obviously this is not my opinion by any means but I think that like society still has long-stemming views on this single dads are more excessively dateable than single mums and I know that a lot of newly single mums had that fear around like well am I going to meet somebody else is anyone going to want to date me when I've got you know a child or multiple children or whatever it is it's definitely like a very unique time getting back into dating when you have kids

and i know this because my mom was a single mom of three children and she went through multiple dating relationships while we were kids but i think it's so interesting that it's so steeped in the way women have been viewed i've gotten real deep on this guys i know this is supposed to be this is supposed to be a lol we've got into very feministic chat but think about it back in the 1930s for example we are going yeah we're going right back if you were a woman if you were a woman and you had a baby outside of wedlock you were like if you didn't have a man you didn't have a plan you were done so like it's we still have the remnants of that in our society we can't escape it so when a guy takes on a relationship with the person a woman who's just had a baby he's seen as

a hero because who would date a woman who's pregnant or who would date a woman with a baby well yeah I kind of challenge that sort of mentality I think it's really dependent too there's so many factors here now that we're getting into a Laura I was supposed to be a volcano but there it was like I was bringing the last and I'm like let's go down and get super feminist don't I regret that no I will find a different chat next time no I just think for this particular for Max and Alyssa for their particular story I think people are just loving him so much because he just didn't let anything get in the way of his judgment he felt something he felt the connection yeah she was six months pregnant but he didn't shy away from that

and then when push came to shove it wasn't like he was like oh you know what like before the responsibility comes before the baby comes we'll date each other for a few months he just committed it didn't deter him and I think unfortunately like you just said the reason we're praising him is because most of the time someone would run most of the time they wouldn't even they wouldn't even consider that they wouldn't even open the book totally because they wouldn't even give it a chance they wouldn't give it a chance and this is the thing it is silly because we are used to seeing people run the other direction that when they don't we hail them we praise them do you know what actually I went to an international women's day like talk yesterday for

Marie Claire and Dylan Alcott was talking about it and Dylan Alcott was on stage with his partner chantelle we've had her on the podcast before chantelle's an incredible sexologist she's a worldwide renowned sexologist just a legend fucking legend we love her chantelle otten now they are in an awesome relationship together and they were on stage talking about it and one of the things that dylan said was that he was like as somebody who is disabled i grew up thinking maybe i would never be able to be in a relationship because an abled body person wouldn't give me a chance you know like the limitations on how we view things in society and i know that that it's not the same thing I get that like they're two kind of different kettles of fish but I hate that

we look at a whole group of people as being less dateable than somebody else and just in case anyone doesn't know who Dylan Alcott is he is an incredible tennis player he is in a wheelchair he's been in a wheelchair forever and he is with the sexologist Chantel who we just spoke about and they're just an incredible couple and power couple Chantel spoke about the time she met him in the attraction and she just said she went with a friend to his book signing Dylan had written a book she didn't really know much about him or she wasn't there for him she was there as the accessory to the friend and she just said she saw him signing the book and they looked at each other and she's like I don't know what it was and I just think this is the cutest thing in the world she's like

I don't know what it was but I just wanted to know him from right from then she was in love yep so there was exactly the same thing as we're getting so off track but it's exactly the same thing as Max and Alyssa we do have questions to answer in today's episode I promise you're one thing I want to say and kind of finish off on this to talk about what's the names I don't even know the name it's the couple max and alissa hang on what decade are you taking us back to now no i'm in i'm in the now max and alissa on one hand i think yes amazing that he gave the relationship a chance and therefore they were able to form this incredible connection and his life has changed forever now that he's like he got an instant girlfriend he also got an instant family

but i also think it's really incredible of her that at six months pregnant she didn't look at that as being no one's gonna love me no one's gonna want to be with me sign me up yeah she was finger bumble hinge I'm on there yeah she was like I am pregnant yes but you know what I'm still worthy of being in a relationship and I'm still worthy of being loved and I'm going to still put myself out there and I think that that is so much more incredible than somebody coming to the table going oh I can love this person absolutely hats off to you Alyssa yeah she's a real she's a real MVP of this story some people are supposed to get their happy endings this was 100% one for them but I'm here for it all right now let's get into the questions for today we have had some

cracker questions come in thank you to every single person who has written in slid into the dms we've picked a few doozies question number one i would love to know where you girls stand on the below when i first turned 18 long story short after three months of dating behind my back my best friend revealed that her and my brother had been hooking up to their absolute shock this was not something that i was comfortable with nor would i accept it and because of this i lost my entire friendship group and my brother. Can you imagine how this affected my mental health? That relationship lasted just over one year. Over the past three years, my brother and I have rebuilt our friendship and our relationship and are closer than ever. Now, last weekend was

my best friend's birthday. And after everything, my other best friend and he got closer and closer as the night went on. Again, I voiced that I wasn't comfortable with this to my friend who knew exactly how i felt all those years prior i just want to know am i crazy to feel uncomfortable by this and where do the boundaries lie in terms of your friends hooking up with your brother mate i think it's fine let your friend screw your brother let him have some fun a bit of fun i get why you're like oh not ideal like don't really want my brother screw my best friend But at the end of the day, you guys are adults and they had a relationship for an entire year. Like they obviously genuinely cared about each other, loved each other, wanted to be together.

You're adults. It's normal for them to probably crush on each other because they're meeting each other. Like if you are close with your brother and your friends, then you're all going to be in the same sort of circles. We obviously don't know what went down when you said I lost my entire friend group and my brother. I'm not sure why that would have happened unless something happened within the group. I don't think that necessarily if your friend and your brother date that you have to lose a friend group. Like I'm sure there's a way you can work around it. Maybe you're just too uncomfortable to sit there and witness, like physically look at it. That's okay. But I think you can't, I don't think you can honestly tell your friend, no, you can't date my brother because

you guys are adults. They like each other. I think you've just got to try and find a way to be okay with it. I hooked up with my brother's friend when I was younger. I thought you were about to say you hooked up with your brother. Yes. Cause that's, that's what I would say. All right. After two and a half years on this podcast Brittany Oakley reveals the true deep dark and secrets I think it's normal I think like when you especially if you have family like my brothers I have two older brothers they were only like 18 months older than me 18 months and two and a half years so like growing up that's not a normal age difference so they were always around we're always playing sports together of course like I went and made out with a few of them I say that like a standard

standard of course it kind of is but also I mean if you've got the same group of friends like if you're close in age, you share similar friends, like, yes, it may make you feel a little bit uncomfortable, but you don't get to have ownership over your brother or your best friend. You can't tell them what they can and can't do. And like that, so long as you put some boundaries in place in terms of like, okay, guys, like you guys have to behave like adults. If you fucking cheat on each other, like, do not put me in the middle of this. I don't want to be in the middle of your warfare. If things go wrong, then I think it's fine. And I think it's really almost controlling to think that you can say like do not do this or I'm never going to speak to you and I understand

when you say you know that you lost your friendship group I guess like you were an active part in losing your friendship group like you having such strong opinions and being so adamant that it couldn't happen was actually why you lost your friendship group it wasn't so much them hooking up it was your response to what had happened that made the situation so much more problematic than what it needed to be and I think it's about perspective because if you take a step back and look at it this way. Whoever your family members, brothers, sisters, whoever, whoever they date, you want to end up being friends with them. So if your brother brings a new girlfriend home, at the end of the day, you want to get along with them. You want them to be part of the family.

You want them to become a friend. So why don't you look at it in a different way as you're lucky enough to have already had them as a friend. You know, you like them. You know that they fit into the family. You know that they're good to be around. So why don't you look at that as a plus? Like, you know what? I fucking love my best friend. She's a great human. I would love my rather to be with someone that I love as a human. So I think, and I know that's not, you know, easier said than done, but perspective is a really powerful thing. So maybe you're looking at this through the wrong lens. The other part of this that I think can be the little bit of a hurtful part is like when you say they kept it from you for three months, it could be that maybe you feel

like you were left out or like you were lied to, you know, it's the, um, it's the deceit there that kind of makes you feel a little bit more isolated from their relationship. You're like, you know oh well we made my best friend are so close we share everything and now she's not sharing that with me she's sharing it with my brother instead probably because she knew you're going to react like this totally like they know that your reaction is going to be severe and they really like each other and they want to be together and like it wasn't just like a drunken hookup once it was something where they had evolved feelings and yeah I just I think in this instance obviously there are going to be some relationships that unfold in life maybe for example if it was your

friend hooking up with your ex, different situation. But your friend hooking up with your brother, somebody who you don't have a romantic connection with, somebody who you shouldn't have that much jealousy over makes me go, where is that coming from? Like, why do you feel so protective of keeping those relationships independent? And is it because you don't want anyone to get hurt? Is it because you don't think your brother is very, maybe he's a great guy, but he's pretty crappy in relationships. Like maybe there are other reasons here at play, but I still think that when they're two consenting adults you just gotta leave them to go and figure that shit out for themselves and of course it comes with complications like if there's a fight

maybe she's not going to tell you because it's a brother usually you'd run to your friend and you you'd unload maybe that's not going to happen maybe you're worried that when it ends it's going to cause a big rift maybe that will happen at the end of the day you can't control that you can't control the future you don't know what's going to happen you can't control them as individuals but they are adults that are making a choice totally and there has to be a level of respect. Like if my brother came home and was like, Hey, I'm banging your friend. I'd be like, what the fuck? I'd be like, Oh, I'm not saying you need to be thrilled about it. I'm not saying that, you know, he should walk in and be like, Hey, guess what? I just had sex with Cindy. And

you're like, yes. High-fiving him. I'd be like, no, bro. There's so many people. But if he was like, I really like, I want to date her. I'd be like, okay, great. So I think like, that's it, right? You can be a little bit annoyed or you can be a bit like, Oh, I wish it was anybody else but her, but I wouldn't be sacrificing the friendship because when you put the rules in place and say, you can't date each other. And then they went and did it because they're grown adults and they decide what they want to do for themselves because they're independent people with their own brains. The fact that they went against your wishes. So then you were like, well, I can't be friends with you anymore. And it's damaged the relationship so much. I genuinely think like that adverse

reaction is on you more so than on them as a couple. And that's probably going to be a really hard thing to swallow. So let your friend hook up with your brother. Fuck your brother. I mean, unless i'm one one last thing this does only get tricky and i would be putting my foot down if they were doing the wrong thing in terms of if one of them had a partner or was seeing someone and you knew their boundaries cross i'd be like pull your head in totally to either of them that's also because that affects you as a person do you mean like your morals and yeah totally if there's like something else in the mix here that like really puts a strain on you like you having to keep a secret or it creates drama in your life more than just the fact that you don't like the

idea of your friend and your bro hooking up if their union is creating an immense amount of drama because there's other things that are going on then i would understand why you're so upset but if it's purely just that your friend and your brother have feelings for each other i just don't think that you can control your friend and your brother you can't control them i remember how many how many of your brothers friends because you've got older brothers i think three in total you're like i know it was three over like three over a very very long time like i'm 35 so it wasn't wasn't like and this is just three people that they've been friends with but there's one in particular when we're younger like we were probably only 16 or 17 so he would if I was 16

he would have been 18 or 19 and I'll never forget this one time it didn't and I had known him for a long time like we were like grew up together he was like my brother's best friend since we're little so to me he was like your brother yeah he was so close to the family but he was we always got along so well he was so funny and I'll just never forget we went out for about five minutes he we made out one time we're like this is cute like maybe there is something there and he went and picked me up it was like we were at like a house party had you told your brother at this point no okay he was at a house it was a house party so it was like and we were we were just like oh we've had a few drinks was nothing like lol laughed it off and then he was like we always

had a crush on you can i take you on a date and i'm only 16 so like where do you go we went to the movies so and he was driving he was older than me and i'll just never forget i told my brother at this point he had as well he's like I'm gonna I would like to take Brit out like there was no hiding it and my mom and dad were like what the fuck like because he's grown up with us yeah all the guys they probably were like it's like you're dating your brother you're dating your like unofficial stepbrother and I'll just never forget he came and it was I was like proper day he came knocked on the door even though he never even had to knock he could have just walked in because that's how family he was and I everyone answered everyone was like bye it was like this

real weird formal like going on a date and we took me to the movies and then we went had a like went to movies kissed at the end and then we had this feeling of like this is so wrong like this is not we get along so well because we've known each other our whole life there is absolutely nothing here so that lasted five seconds but I'll just never forget that awkward moment when all of a sudden he turned from the family friend to the man taking Brittany on a date it was so funny do you know what's weirder than hooking up with your brother's friend I didn't like I have a brother but he's 10 years younger than me so like we that was never there's never any risk of that I was going to say, if it was you, Britt, like it'd be fine. But like, I don't, I don't date

down guys. I don't date younger men. Zero judgment, just not for me. So I have a sister who's three years older than me, who I'm obviously super close with. And when I started going out, when I was 18, going out to nightclubs and stuff, I'll never forget this guy came up to me and he was so hot and we hooked up and I was like, Oh my God, like maybe I'm going to date this guy. and then I found out on the same night that my sister had already slept with him and he knew so you didn't sleep oh so he knew but you didn't so I had no idea I had no idea that she'd hooked up with him I had no idea that there was overlap he knew and he didn't tell me and I was like I do not want my sister's sloppy seconds so even though we kissed and he was beautiful oh so you still

made out with because I didn't know I kissed him before I found out oh my god I didn't kiss him afterwards I've definitely never hooked up with anyone that my sister's hooked up with but this is like mitch tree on tuesday's episode the interview we did with mitch his he's accidentally unfiltered was the fact that him and his sister made out with the same woman on the same night like wild keep it in the family guys i think that's great okay all right i have another one my partner and i have been together for two years now he has an ex that he's still in communication with because they shared a car and they have joint expenses for that car so i think it sounds like she's still paying taking a loan out or something yeah so she's still paying him back

in installments. I know that they don't really talk much, like maybe once every couple of months, and it's always only ever about the car. I know this because I confronted him about it once before and he showed me everything. However, my issue is that whenever they do speak, it's always super flirty, even if it's just about the car. Should I just not even worry about it as it's so little, or is this a red flag? When he showed me the messages, I did ask him why they were talking like that and he said it was to make sure that he stayed on good terms with her so that he could get the money it's do you but like flirty i mean subjective what's flirty flirty to someone else he's not floating to another person so like if they're saying hey here's the payment for the car

or so i miss your dick like cool what if it's still pet names like hey cutie hey pooch whatever yeah that's not cool but also it depends is it one-sided is it just her that's still floating or is he and he just responds like normal or is he responding flirtally like good question well by the sounds of things it sounds like he is partaking in it because he's saying he wants to get the money back but also if he's shown if he's openly shown you the text this is where i always think like does he not think it's that bad if he's like yeah have a look what i'm saying does he not think that it's as flirty as maybe you think it is it's hard to know without us seeing the text but at the end of the day you're gonna have to have a level of trust with your partner

yeah it sounds like for whatever reason these installments for the car are going to have to continue so that is something that you cannot change so it's something you either need to get on board with and accept maybe you say i would love to keep looking at the exchanges or you could honestly just say i feel a bit uncomfortable by that i don't think you need to keep her that on side could you wind back the pet names could you just keep it a bit more business oriented there's so many things you can chat about i do agree with you but i do think that there must be a level of insecurity here. If you've already said you need to show me the messages. Like if there's, if you've already come to a point where your partners had to show you all the text messages

between him and his ex, there's already been a level of insecurity. So like, if you have those insecure feelings, like some, not that I'm saying he's done anything wrong, but like often there's a reason why, you know, and if you then go looking, you'll always find something that will make you upset or that will, can be interpreted in a certain way. So my thing in this is like, I guess unpack where and why those feelings came about in the first place like if they're only speaking so intermittently is there something else that's happened that's made you feel like you can't trust him that's made you want to look at the messages between them I think I think personally the most jealousy and insecurity for sure comes from someone's past relationship oh

retroactive jealousy we've done a whole episode on it baby of course you can be jealous and insecure about anything but like when I look at a relationship like that or when I look at my partner's exes or anything any people in their life I would be the most insecure about somebody in his past because to me I'm like well you were in love with that person at some stage you had a connection with them at some stage so I understand why when you're trying to move forward in a relationship and he has to be stuck in the past I understand why but this is something else you need to think about and that you could speak to your partner about. If she's just making installments, there's no reason you need to speak about the car. There really isn't. Put a direct

debit. Every fortnight, every month, the money comes in. The only time you should be speaking is if the money hasn't gone into the account for some reason, you need to find out why, or maybe something disastrous has happened with the car. You need to make a claim, something like that. But at the end of the day, this is what you owe. These are my bank details, let's put them in. So have that conversation. There doesn't seem to be a need for these flirty text messages. Well, that's why I'm kind of like, I've questioned the whole thing because it's like, surely you don't need to keep someone so romantically on side just to get money out of them. Like maybe there is an element of him where he still has some attachment or he has still has

some like residual feelings. And that's why you feel the fear or the worry that you feel. And I agree with you, Britt. I do think that genuinely, like we can feel so much jealousy and like, it's almost like the ground zero for comparison culture is like comparing yourself to your now partner's ex-girlfriends, you know, and being like, well, what did they have? And what didn't they have? And why didn't the relationship work out? And you can fixate on those things, but it is challenging having and being in a relationship with someone who's constantly dipping back to the ex, especially if that's creating anxiety in you. So I think have the conversations around it, but put some boundaries in place. Like, you know,

if it is pet names, if it is flirty, outlining why that's making you upset, even though you shouldn't have to even though that should be clear as day let's assume that you know he's a bit of an idiot and doesn't understand why benefit given the benefit of the doubt explain why it makes you upset and then see where things land but if he can't acknowledge or accept that that's making you upset or change any of his behavior and he genuinely thinks it's fine then maybe he's just keeping her there because he likes the attention too he likes getting that little bit of affirmation every couple of months you know knowing that she's still and not that that's okay slightly invested in him. No, it's terrible. And like, you know, you shouldn't have to deal with that in a

relationship, but I think that it's one of those things where like, you have to kind of attack it from all sides. Yeah. Just put the direct debit in. Do a fucking direct debit. There's absolutely no reason for you to talk to each other every month about a car. It's not a kid. No, I shared a house with like a mortgage with my ex-partner. We shared that house for 18 months, two years after we broke up, we were in, you know, we went separate ways. We still made all the payments. We still did everything we needed, but we only contacted each other when we had to out of respect for each other's new relationship. See, 100% can be done. Anyhow, let's get on to question number three. Now I am going to bring a, well, I think this is interesting and I would love to

know your take, Laura. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. I'm very much a saver with a deposit in the bank, ready to go. And I'm working towards buying a property. I've shared how much money I have with my partner, but he won't give even the slightest indication to what he has he tells me to start investing but then when I ask him if he has investments he will not tell me anything he's just so cryptic and private about money is it fair of me to think that he should be a little bit more transparent should I be able to know what he has in the bank how am I meant to commit to someone that I don't know is even on the same page help now I find this so interesting money is the second biggest reason why people break up yeah cheating cheating number

one probably kids in there somewhere but that cheating no cheating and then finances yeah because like it's one of those massive pillars in a relationship that you kind of have to be on the same page with like either you've got to be heading in the same direction working towards the same goals have similar money personalities so that you know if one person's a massive spender one person's a save all that jazz but like I think after a year like a year of being in a relationship if you're like committed and you've been talking about working towards certain life goals together there should be a level of transparency around money. 100%.

And it's not about the dollar value. It's not about I have this much saved and you have this much saved. It's got nothing to do with that. But I would want to know. I don't want to know what my partner has in the bank. Like, I don't need to know that. But I need to know, are you saving? Do you have money?

Are you working towards a house? Are you working towards your goals? Are you $50,000 in debt because you have a gambling problem? These are things that I would want to know about my partner. But I don't need to know the exact dollar value. But how high level do you want to know? so if you're saying you want to have an idea about their finances like if they're like yeah yeah i've got some savings like i mean there's a big difference between having ten thousand dollars

worth of savings a hundred thousand dollars worth of savings like did you expect there to be like transparency in terms of that or do you kind of just want we were it depends so you could be with someone for a year and still see them once a week and not even know if you they're your penguin and you want to spend your life with them you could be with someone for a year and you're obsessed you're talking about marriage it depends where you are in the relationship i mean i was pregnant in a year so yeah exactly she can move real fast yeah not careful guys yeah so if i think if you're if you're serious about each other and you talk about the future then money is something that you talk about that's what i think if you if you know that you guys are committing you're going down the

same path because to me okay there's two scenarios here he's either fucking loaded and he doesn't want you to know or he's really bad with money and he doesn't have anything of his own either both of them are fine both of them are fine but there's not really another reason for you to be cryptic and I don't think it's fair. Okay. I disagree. I think there is a third reason. And the third reason comes around the level of investment in the relationship. Like maybe he doesn't see a long-term future. That's a possibility. Maybe he doesn't think, you know, this is a person I'm going to spend my life with. So I don't need to talk about my finances and where I'm going to be in the next five, 10 years. I think when there's, this isn't for all cases,

but I do think that when there's real transparency around where you're at and your financial goal setting it's a symbol of like the committedness in a relationship and it doesn't have to always be the case but I think that people feel a lot more like bonded with their partner when they know that they're working towards the same financial goals yeah but this is the thing that gets me the height of him to say you should be investing your money you should be doing this with your money but not that but they're not reciprocating that information so if he said that's why I kind of think like maybe it's one-sided because he's not saying oh we should invest together he's like yeah good for you go invest your money like he's kind of saying well

why don't you grow your financial wealth and take care of your own financial stability independently of me that's what I'm reading into this and maybe that's like a harsh and critical way of reading into this but he's not saying this is where we're going together he's saying hey good for you go do that without me which kind of to me might scream some alarm bells well your question is should you know more yeah if he's telling you that great go and invest your money he's literally your quote said, he tells me to go and invest my money. I think it's reciprocal. Information is reciprocal. You've been together for a year. I think it's fine. I don't think you need to know the details, but I would be saying to my partner, why? I would literally be like, why do you feel like you can't

trust me with this information? Or why do you not want to talk about money? Like I would say, I just want to know if we're moving in the right direction. After a year, again, I don't even know your age or the details of the relationship. But for me at this point of my life, if I've been with someone for a year, that's because I think I'm going to be with them. I don't fuck around anymore to date because I'm looking for my forever person. After one year being together, I would want to know if we're on the same page and that's it. We don't have to have the same money in the bank. It doesn't matter who earns more. It doesn't matter who does what, as long as we're both moving in the same direction. Yes, you can have that conversation purely because he's having it

with you. He's asking you, he's telling you to put your money into investments. So I think that you can pull him up a bit and say, well, should we talk about what you're doing with your money? or are we moving in the same direction? Just ask the question. Do you have savings for a house? If he says, I don't want to tell you he's hiding something, there's no reason for him not to be able to say, yeah, yeah, I'm working towards something. Yeah. And I guess like on what you're saying, Brit, like, I mean, we're assuming that he's brought the conversation to her. Like, there's a very good chance that she said, Hey, I had this money. And he's like, cool. I'm not wanting to have the conversation, go and invest it. Like totally. There's a very

good possibility here that like, he doesn't talk about money at all. And I think like the only way to approach this is like if you're in a situation in your partnership or in your relationship where your partner is very secretive around money and you don't feel like there is open channels of communication it's asking the questions it's not being afraid for them to shut the question down or to shut the conversation down and maybe they will but no answer is also an answer like that shows you where they stand it shows you how comfortable they are and also shows you whether you are on the same page in terms of money and we all know that that's a really really fucking important part of a relationship to be on the same page as. And of course, nobody has to talk

about anything they don't want to. We know that in a relationship, but if my partner was saying to me after a year, I don't want to talk to a direct, a direct question that I've asked them that like, I don't want to talk to you about it. I don't want to tell you anything about it. Even my goals, something's not right. That's how I feel. I would be a bit like, well, this doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Yeah. I totally agree. I totally agree. And I think like for women, having financial literacy and having control over you know how they're investing their money not only their own money but where that relationship's going in terms of like your joint finances is really really important well that is it three short sharp down and dirty sexy quick they weren't

even that sexy they weren't sexy today but they were all they're all different questions we hadn't really had before but ones i really wanted to visit so hopefully i don't know how many people have money problems out there how many people are fucking their brother's friends who knows Probably a few of them. How many people have money problems and are fucking their brother's friends together? If you have a question for next week's Ask Uncut or you have one for radio, you can slide into our DMs at Life Uncut Podcast on the Instagrams. You can also jump in on the Facebook group, which is Life Uncut Discussion Group,

because that is where all the saucy stuff goes down. Don't forget to tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love. No. We'll be right back.