Life Uncut - BACH UNCUT - Cranes, horny Beryl and BIG DICK ENERGY

Episode Date: July 22, 2021

It’s the show where Laura and Matty met, so it’s no surprise they are utterly obsessed with the Bachelor and want to follow this year’s leading man in his quest to find everlasting love. If you missed the episodes on TV or just want to re-live the highlights with two Bachie- veterans, we got you covered. This week we were introduced to pilot Jimmy; and we were told about 397 times that he was, in fact, a pilot. From a girl being craned in to the mansion to the first kiss during a photoshoot in front of all of the other contestants, this season has kicked off with a bang; and a girl feeling like she could have farted her way through a tarot card reading!If you love a bit of bach chat, jump into our facebook discussion group “life uncut discussion group” and then sit back and enjoy the therapy session.Remember, tell you mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love, because, well, we love love xSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. Now this is a very, very, very special episode for you all. And I know I say that about almost every single episode, but this is our very first, our very... This is our very first Batchy recap, and I'm not doing it with breath. It's off to a great start so far. That's Maddie J. I'm Laura. And you know what? We're going to recap The Bachelor.

We just lost half of our audience right now after the first 30 seconds. It's going really well. Hang in there for us, guys. Okay, no. we put it out there to you and i know that this episode is not going to be relative or relevant to every single one of you but we put it out to the audience we asked you guys on insta we asked you on facebook who wanted us to do a batch recap episode and because matt and i are stuck in lockdown hang on let's be honest even if people unanimously said we don't want to recap we were

going to do it anyway it was always the plan it's like when influencers start their stories with like everyone's been asking me for my skincare routine and we're like so everyone's been asking for this recap so here it is people are going i didn't ask for that susan did you ask for that no i didn't ask for that either i mean like 50 of people asked for it i saw a couple there were a couple people there so what we're gonna do with these episodes we're gonna drop an episode every friday for the duration of the bachelor it's me it's maddie jay we're gonna unpack what happens and we're kind of gonna give you the summation of the week basically wednesday thursday do it in the one episode just to kind of give you guys insight as to how this is all gonna play out it's

is the highlight who had a date who had a group date who got fingered i mean oh my goodness oh my goodness okay so before we get into this week's episode this episode is also for everybody who's stuck in lockdown the 13 million of you who normally would go to work and use the bachelor as like a nice bit of kind of water cooler chat you kind of hang around with your friends you have a coffee you talk about what's happened on the episode the night before a lot of you are not going to be able to do that so take this episode as sitting down with your friends and having an unpack about everything that went down the night before so right now just close your eyes imagine that you're wearing a suit you're at work karen from accounts is doing your head in

and you're just trying to waste some time i have one question that i want to ask you matt from someone who's lived it from someone who has been the bachelor can you just call me maddie j moving forward please no i can't really can't okay i actually can't call you maddie j feels weird for me. I swear you normally call me Maddie J. I have never called you Maddie. As soon as that show finished, I was like, you are now Matt. Maddie J pashed a whole lot of women. I have no control over that man. Matt, on the other hand, he is a good upstanding guy. He's my fiance. Question I want to ask you is, and I hear this question gets asked every single year of The Bachelor, but I also think that there is a lot of fear around answering this question correctly or

like truthfully almost. Like when you are still in the throes of being The Bachelor, you kind of give a bit of a piss poor answer to this question why do you wear an earpiece at the rose ceremony because producers tell us exactly what to do and say no it's daily mail don't run with that kidding very sarcastic please take note that was a joke people ask this every single year and i feel like every single season i give the exact same answer but i will tell you and uh the answer will be consistent to what i've said previously well no the reason why I ask this is because we were actually talking about it last night and you answered it to me last night in a way that I don't think I've heard anyone answer it before

I know this isn't new news to anyone like there's been lots of conspiracies around why the bachelor wears an earpiece whether he wears one people denied it people said that they do but I think that the reason why the bachelor wears an earpiece is still a bit ambiguous okay so I will talk from my own experience I'm assuming that every other season of the bachelor was consistent with with my situation but i would wear an earpiece every single rose ceremony so i never wore it on a single date never wore it on a group date didn't wear one at the finale it was just the rose ceremonies and the reason for that is you know you think night one there's 24 girls and you can't remember all those names you know i i definitely can't i've got the memory of a goldfish i i'd be

like chantelle and she'd be like it's christine i'm like sure but the way it would work is after the cocktail party would finish i had a room that was within the bachelor mansion that was just like a private room only for me and my producer i would sit down i had a pen and paper and i would figure out my order and for me personally i had a certain order where if you had really impressed me or you really made a strong effort i would put you around the top so you know i would give you the top three The first three or four roses are the most important and you're essentially rewarding someone for – It sounds so weird.

It's like you're giving a dog a treat. You're like, you get five stars. Good job. Well, yeah, it's true. And for those who – I think the lowest down the order that you were given a rose maybe was like – Last. Did I give you one last?

You gave me one last. You made me stand there and it was me and Florence at the end and then you sent Florence home and you picked me. And you punished me. that's what it was it was after hometowns and the reason why you gave it to me last was because i wouldn't tell you that i loved you and you punished me you gaslit me no treat for you laura bad girl bad girl so i would you know on i would have my list i would i would flesh it out put the order in give it to the producer and they would say you know i would stand there there's maybe what

six to eight cameras in the the rose ceremony room and obviously they have to reset for certain shot so the director would say all right maddie we're good to go your name is blah blah blah and then i would call it out and then the cameras would reset and normally be about a few minutes between each rose maybe and that was it so i yeah never wore it on a on a date never wore it at the cocktail party either it's just those situations in the rose ceremony room well one of the things you said last night and i i mean like you kind of touched on it but i think also important for people to know was that after the cocktail party finished I didn't even know this so I think this is going to be interesting for people you would go and sit down with your producer and write the

list together so the list was already predetermined so yeah of course they're going to say the name but you already knew and had full like it's not like you're standing there and they're like all right go Sarah now and you're like you didn't have any agency over it you already chose the order but then when you're standing there in that position and all the girls are in front of you to try and remember the order that you have set for 24 different girls is almost impossible so that's why you're wearing the earpiece if there is a guy who can remember 24 names on the first night of meeting those women and recite them in order how you deserve an award because you are incredible you should be the bachelor you should be the bachelor absolutely okay well with that all out

of the way let's get into this week's episode so finally we have him pilot jimmy pilot pash is what i'm going to call him he likes to pash they're calling him very romantic i think he's just a it horny and when he said okay he did also say that he is not used to dating 24 women but for the amount of you guys that came forward and have matched with him on tinder and have been on dates i'm gonna say maybe that was a bit of a lie come on jimmy so lie to us we got to meet jimmy's family at the start of i mean as you do with every bachelor we met his beautiful family they were all wearing a lot of pastel and they all seem completely delightful he is a delightful man has a delightful family, and lives in a delightful part of Sydney.

I would say that he is just picture perfect. He's got everything. He's got the career. He's got the looks. He's got the abs. He's got a great family and a great family home as well. Controversial question. Do you think Jimmy's a pilot?

I mean, is he a pilot? I'm not sure. There were a few pilot puns that were peppered in there. Joining the Mile High Club, wear your seatbelts low and tight. Strap yourselves in. This is going to be a rough ride. Oh, yeah. Okay.

I'm waiting for the, um, come down and ride my cock pit. Laura Byrne! Oh my gosh. I feel like that's not very Osha, is it? I'm still, with the podcast, I'm on my best behavior still. Can you stop? You like being all polite, like you wouldn't say some of these things and you're looking at me like I'm the dirty girl that said pinky in a stinky, like, come on, where's my mat?

I feel like I'm sitting next to the naughty kid at school and you're like, say it, just fucking say it. And I'm like, oh, vagina. And you're like, more, do it, do it again. Stop leading me astray. He's a squeaky clean bachelor, everybody. Here he is. Everyone knows you from our season as being like perfectly polite,

lovely version of yourself. That's who I am. And only if they knew what you really like, you dirty little boy. After we met Jimmy's family, we then obviously get to night one. You can tell that Jimmy is a little bit nervous, But you'd have to be a psychopath to not be nervous in that situation. I couldn't imagine doing that, doing The Bachelor, with no prior TV experience. I am so grateful that I got to do The Bachelor at first,

which was a big warm-up season to being The Bachelor. It blows my mind how someone like Jimmy could do it. But even that, you, and I remember seeing you on the red carpet, you were nervous as well. And you being nervous made me feel a little bit less nervous. Only because, no, I was petrified. petrified I literally looked like I just done a line I looked high I was I had so much anxiety going through me that like my um and my pupils were like popping out of my face when did we

watch it back and I think we were both like oh my god turn it off this is awful it was terrible one of my favorite parts of the season is red carpet because it's just a real smorgasbord of different personalities you have those who are really sweet and who will do really well and fall and love potentially and then you have those who are a little bit quirky and and do something that's very unique and out of the box to grab his attention there's also those who are going to be you know you can tell who's going to be the villain as well with certain music and let me just tell you that some of the girls came with some really great energy i've got big dick energy in my vocabulary right now now we're not going to run through every single one of the girls because

let's be real there'll be two that'll go home tonight that no one's ever heard of or even sees in the show but we thought we would rattle off and tell you the ones that really stood out as a highlight also we're going to tell you at the end of this who we think are our predictions for top three top five top three top three top three who cares about top five like who it's like the olympics you know gold silver bronze whoever came fourth no one cares i don't know if it's really like the olympics i'm pretty sure it only matters who comes first in this situation laura let me just tell you tokyo 2021 is on at the same time as the bachelor and it's like sometimes i get confused which show i'm watching also i did really enjoy that like for anyone who watched it and you

picked up on this when jimmy addressed the girls as a whole group for the very first time he was like i'm really glad that you guys have come here and that you know you're all giving me your time today and i hope that we can all walk away from this benefiting and then he was like oh fuck that's right no actually 23 of you won't benefit from this experience but one of you will do okay you never know you never actually they're all going to have social media careers they'll be fine let's start with chess girl jay chess girl chess girl does she actually play chess i did some research and she used to play netball for fiji wow and let me tell you jimmy is part fijian there go it's the salt i mean one i think she's one of my front runners although her chess game went down

really badly i think she was nervous i would be nervous too i also can't play chess so that's yeah i think i'd play exactly the same yeah but then you're going to go into that first meeting on the red carpet knowing your strengths right i walked in on the red carpet and said to you i'm sorry i didn't come with anything i should have brought a cob loaf and you still peaked me yeah It wasn't my strong suit. No, when I think about it, your red carpet was a little weak. But okay, Chess Girl, I felt like Jimmy was really into her. Well, obviously he was into her.

He gave her the business lounge key. And you know what happens in the business lounge? Routing. It's business time. It's business. It's business time. So I really, really like Jay. I think she has a sexy, smooth accent.

She's just sexy from top to toe. I'm pretty sure Jimmy felt the same. Right down to earth as well. Soul to the earth. Love that. She's one of my top three. I'm going to call it early. She is my front runner to win.

No. Well, yeah, I think so. I mean, I always think that whoever gets that, it used to be called the first impression rose, I think, back in the day. See, I was seeing a lot of comments on social media last night from people saying it won't be her because he's given her such a significant thing, giving her this business class key. But yes, I know, Richie.

Okay, we're trying to cut each other off here. Yes, but what about Richie? Think back to Alex Nation. That's what I was saying before you cut me off. Sorry, sorry. I'm jumping out of my skin to say this, but she won that, I think it was like they got time in the turret. She had the white rose is what it was.

Ah, the white rose. And Richie chose her out of everyone and it was her at the end. So look, I don't think that just because she's gotten the business class key or whatever it is, the business lounge key. Just because she's gotten the business lounge key, I do not think that that rules her out. I think that that makes her a very, very strong contender. And I just like her.

She's warm and nice. Part of me also thinks that when you get something like the first impression rose or the first lounge key, it can be such a double-edged sword because it puts such a target on your back for all the other girls because everyone's panicking. I want to have time with the bachelor. And then these girls can sometimes use it too much.

really be at the detriment to their relationship with everybody else i guess when like some of the other girls think you were going to be it at the end because you're a threat yeah and it doesn't bring out the best in each other you know you kind of like you're so in competition then and you're so critical of what that person does and says exactly what you said it puts a target on their back so it may be good for her relationship with jimmy but it might be really bad for her relationship and building friendships with the girls and i know that every single person goes in there saying i'm here for the bachelor i don't care about friends but trust me after three months of being in that house you fucking care about the friends that you have because it's really

isolating really soul crushing to feel like you don't have anyone on your side and the only reason why you're there is for the bachelor it's like being in prison everyone in prison needs friends i mean it's kind of based on stockholm syndrome so it's kind of the same thing all right girl number two let's go with holly holly is the wife holly is like she's my pick i think she's gonna to get it. She's the blonde one from Bondi. Wearing the yellow dress. She did have a very strong backstory. And do you know what I think? If she is not number one at the end, we are going to get Nikki Gogund. That's what I think. I think we have got a Nikki Gogund 2.0. Yeah, she does seem quite perfect. Although cracks are starting to appear in her story. So she was promoted as

being this marketing manager from Bondi but apparently she's got one of those star profile accounts which if you're an actor you had that set up so she's been in a couple of acting roles previously she's got a star now profile yeah so everyone's saying well is she a marketing manager or is she somebody who just wants to be Sam Frost and jump on home and away scandalous well she's very wholesome she's definitely getting the wifey edit there was lots of like music and this is one thing I want to say, guys, listen to the music. If you start to feel like you don't like someone or you really like someone, if you start to be really kind of like taken away on that storytelling and that emotional journey of The Bachelor, here I am using that journey word, pay attention to the

music because it is a very, very clever production and editing technique that can make you dislike someone, even if they don't say anything. If someone just has a side glance and then there's like a dun dun dun type music it'll make you think that that person's a villain or it'll make you think that that person's a bad person or that that side look was done with malicious intent be really conscious about those sort of techniques so that you can kind of figure out if it's actually what the person's doing or if it is kind of you're being groomed to feel a certain way about a character and i say character in like quotation marks for example sierra my fucking love actually no look i loved sierra on the first episode and we're just gonna play a little grab that really

encapsulates who sierra is she's gonna be the narrator of this series i think i was pretty good on the red carpet uh considering i was absolutely busting for a fart the entire time honestly i was so full of gas i'm surprised i didn't start levitating which would have actually been quite fitting for the tarot cards it would have been quite spooky if i started floating away like a ghost like so sierra is the big personality sierra is a hundred percent going to end up being the narrator of this season she does not hold back she says some pretty inappropriate stuff and she's just kind of like a little bit kooky at the same time she's kooky but she's she's almost being full of gas physician as as a lovable villain yes like she says things where she almost

fits into that villain mold but she says it with such humor that you kind of find her a little bit endearing i think that this is what we're seeing i mean look there doesn't seem to be any like clear cut real villains coming out yeah no villains and and maybe some of you are going to think that this is controversial because i do think that stephanie has been kind of portrayed as a villain but hold out and i'll tell you why i don't think that she's that much of a villain just yet i think sierra is probably going to be the villain of this series but exactly like you said she is so endearing in the way that she says the things that she says that even though they have a bit of a mean girl slant to it i think the majority of us as viewers are going to be like oh it's

funny when she says it yeah i really enjoyed sierra in the first episode and we'll get into the second episode in a second but i think there's more to come from that girl she's wild so you mentioned stephanie she is a gamer and she gets paid to record and stream herself online it's through a platform called twitch apparently it's massive my brothers are big gamers and they love it not sure if they've watched stephanie do you know what i actually found this so funny because like the last time your brothers were down i was talking to them about twitch and now it makes sense that chicks are playing gaming videos with their tops off and hang on hang on a second now i get it it all makes sense is she playing with her top off no she's removed all her content from her

twitch account so some people have tried to find it online there is nothing there it's been wiped clean so i'm only assuming that if it was topless gaming that channel 10 would have said to her hey let's just remove that and then obviously when the show finishes that's all going to get re-uploaded but also who cares like i mean if she does do that if that's what her job is and she does topless gaming or she does gaming in a bra i don't care why does she need to remove it when they've already addressed it if they hadn't addressed it then i would understand why channel 10 had asked her to remove it but the fact that they addressed it she made reference to it she made a joke about how she was playing gaming but with more clothes on this time like who cares i don't know maybe let her

live her best life if she wants to play it in a bra and undies fucking better for you you go get your queen girl maybe she removed it herself who knows totally and that was what i was thinking i was like maybe i mean i think it would be pretty ballsy of channel 10 to say you have to do this if that is what she does for a profession and that's her own choice and how she you know shows up in the world i actually think maybe she made that decision herself of course we're completely speculating here like we have no idea so the thing about Steph as well is that Steph now poor Steph she's got some pilot trauma and you know what I don't blame her I think if you have been treated really badly in a relationship like absolutely not those poor pilots out there not only are

they out of work right now because of COVID they're having their professions dragged through the mud by someone like Steph I mean come on you can't just assume that everyone of an occupation is a cheater like that's crazy but I do understand and surgeons and pilots I do understand that if you have been in a relationship and their work is such a significant part of their identity and who they are and then part of that is that they're in different countries you've been cheated on your trust has been completely smashed to smithereens the one thing i want to say about this is i don't think that that makes her a villain i think that that in the first episode they were trying to make her seem villainous she just wasn't buying into the whole oh my god this

guy is the perfect package he is the man of my dreams totally because every single girl says the same thing they're like oh my god he's just amazing it's like a fairy tale he's just perfect and then there's one person who goes oh fuck yeah he's a pilot oh god and it makes her seem a little bit poisonous almost like she's like oh yeah being negative and she's that negative voice in the house but like there's a little part of me that makes me feel sorry for whatever it is that she went through in her past relationship that makes her so adverse to pilots like whatever she's been through is she's seen that girl's seen some dark days guys we need to rally behind her the other person i think is going to be a massive standout and i think it's no surprise to anyone listening

That is Brooke. Brooke with her love cake. She is a sweetheart. She's too nice. So nice. Isn't she just literally the sweetest little thing you have ever seen? Settle down, Matt. And she brought food, I'm just saying.

How do you feel when you watch the new girls come in? Babe, I've said this before. I'll say it again. There is absolutely nobody out there in this world that even comes close to you. I would never, ever want to be separated from your farts, not in a million years. You literally looked like you were just reading that from the computer. You were like, I made this note. I'll say it word for word.

Although, when you did a shit today and you let the door open and the entire apartment was just like fumigated with your pungent smell, I did think Brooke doesn't look too bad. Okay, he's lying. But also, do you know what Matt's been doing these days? Now that we're in lockdown, and I wasn't going to go there, but now that he's gone there, I'm going to go there anyway. now that we're in lockdown every time the kids are being a little bit tricky matt will just pass lola back to me and be like hey babe just gotta go to the toilet it's like

the toilet has become this sanctuary for him he'll just spend an hour doing a poo and i'm like hey what are you doing and he's like oh i'm just doing a poo so you can't come in i'm sorry i call literal bullshit on this who does a poo five times a day i've got a wi-fi booster put in the toilet just to make sure that i get good internet in there sitting in there doing tiktok videos okay So Brooke's lovely. Brooke is great. Brooke is really lovely. I think she is.

I don't think she has enough spice to be the one at the end, but I think she will do really well. And I think she seems like somebody who will fall quickly. She's a surprise favourite of mine. Her name is Laura. She's a speech pathologist. Now, I really like that she decided to rummage around in his mouth and just, look, it was weird.

It was weird. I liked it. Jimmy was like, what is going on? And then she compared meeting him to being like unforgettable, like going to the dentist. So look, I mean, I don't think that that really bodes well for romance, but I think that Laura is going to be equally as entertaining. Maybe she's going to be up there with like Sierra antics for this season.

And another standout for me was Chanel. She was the flight attendant. And can I just say, she had so much confidence. I know that she was doing a routine where she was pretending that jimmy was one of her passengers on a flight that she was working on but she came in and she just owned that situation i was like this girl's got it good and jimmy i think as well kind of liked the fact that she was taking control of the situation and the conversation it's so anxiety inducing it is so nerve-wracking i mean everybody gets a little bit of first date jitters this is

that on steroids the best way i can describe it is if you imagine going for a job interview where you know that you're up against 20 other people who are really fantastic and well-suited for a job versus being that one person who was interviewing 20 people for a job. When you're the person interviewing, it's so fun. You don't care. You're not stressed out. But when you're up against everybody else, you panic about every single word that leaves your mouth for the first few times you're talking. But I think it's that, but times 10, because, you know, when you go for a job, like, of course there's nerves and of course there's anxiety, but when it's like a relationship or when it's someone who you want to impress in a romantic sense there's that layer of

am I good enough which I think is something that really plays into your psyche when you're a girl going on The Bachelor and you're being pitted against 23 other women like that's a real feeling of like not only am I nervous about meeting this guy and matching up to what he wants but am I good enough in comparison like I like that's what I felt I felt this real terrible comparison culture that we all talk about, that kicked in so bad for me from night one. Now, the last person I want to talk about that I think is a real standout for this season, that is Lily. So Lily is the one who had the most spectacular entrance.

Oh, I wouldn't want one like that. That looks f***ing terrifying. Was it that spectacular? Well, she was craned in. It was just a crane covered in a couple of plastic leaves. What would have been more impressive is if Sierra actually floated away full of farts. now that would have been an impressive now you get the business lounge key

but everybody was saying that she was an intruder i don't think that you can be an intruder on the first night like i don't think that she's an intruder i think she just had a more spectacular entrance and also did you see on the washers instagram page that apparently they had to do a couple of test runs as well during the day so it's not an intruder if you've seen that person practice their entrance multiple times in the beginning of the day so if you guys haven't seen that on the wash on their instagram there's pap photos which i mean you know what like the pap the pap suck because they ruin a lot of like the surprise and the mystery around the filming but there's this photo of lily in the little crane the whatever you call it the little basket thing

and it's been filmed like the photo's been taken during the daytime because of health and safety they've had to do multiple takes of this so there was a little bit of acting going on from the girls there they all pretended like they didn't know but somehow there's a part of me that thinks maybe they knew that there was someone going to be craned in. Also, you can't fucking hide a crane. The girls would have been there at the cocktail party like, what do you think the crane's for, guys? Just shut up and drink the champagne.

Nothing to see here. Also, those champagne glasses are worth like $600. No, they're not. I smashed two. No, they're not. Art department used to just say that because they didn't want you guys to damage them because no one took care of the props. And so they said they're like $600.

as if as if channel 10 is going to get $600 champagne flutes on set especially when they had us in bunk beds like they're from ikea they're like $15 come on okay so matt who are your top three out of the girls i mean look okay obviously there's more girls there was a whole heap more girls but these are the ones we didn't want to go through every single person these are some of the girls that we think are going to go far they're going to be there at the end and matt i want to know who are your top three okay i'm sticking to jay jay is my number one i really like her everything about her just ticks all the boxes all right once again settle down uh brooke is up there brooke's pretty i think brooke will be number three and i don't know

why i've done this order okay sorry this is really weird at number two for me is holly holly the marketing manager slash actor nikki gogan 2.0 and then number three i've got brooke So I think we need to give them their avatar names. I'm going with Chess Girl, that's yours. Then you've got Nikki Gogan 2.0 and then you've got Love Cake. Love Cake. All right, I am going for, drum roll please, put your bets in. I'm going for Nikki Gogan 2.0 as my number one.

As the winner? Yeah. But so she's not really 2.0. She's going to pip her. She's going to be the Alex Nation of the Nikki Gogans. Can I just ask why is she your number one? The music. And there's something about her.

Do you know what? jimmy did say when we interviewed him that it was not someone who was super obvious but someone who he was attracted to at the start and i don't think that she was like that's a really wide net yeah he's actually dating seven chicks still they're living out in a commune at northern beaches classic jimmy so i'm going with holly i think there's something about her she seems like wife material but i might be wrong who knows my number two is jay so my number two is chess girl and my number three is lily the one who got craned in ah you reckon lily so the reason why i'm going for number three being lily is because of episode number two which we're gonna get into very soon

episode number two but before we get into that obviously we need to tell you guys who went home two girls that no one knows the name of because they got no airtime this will mean nothing to anybody i don't know why we're wasting our time by saying their names can i just say can i just say okay annabelle one of the girls who went home i had to look on her online to figure out who it was and she seems fantastic. We were actually in bed this morning, Matt and I. Like we'd just woken up. Matt was on his phone and he rolls over and says to me like,

I can't believe this girl got sent home. Like I can't believe she got sent home. And I was like, you need to calm down. This is not your time to be on The Bachelor and also stop stalking the girls from this season. I'm doing research for the podcast. Got to find those nude Twitch gaming videos. But basically that's what happens, right?

The first episode, the two girls, they go home. It's not that surprising because they really get zero airtime. Unfortunately, we had to say goodbye to two people that we never really got to meet. Lauren was number two who went home. Who? Lauren, she had the red hair. There you go. She's gone.

I miss her already. Right now, everyone listening is going. Episode number two. Let's get into it. Let's get deep down and dirty with episode number two. Now, episode number two is always a fun one. A couple of reasons. One, because it is the first single date.

And number two, because it's always the photo shoot. I think going on the first date is actually such a curse. Snezana had the first date. Did she? Are you sure? I'm 100%. I reckon you're wrong. I reckon she would have had like, it would have been like a really short first date and

she was second date. Surely not. I think she was first date. Because the issue with being the first date, right, is that you then have so long to wait until you get a second date because he's going to go on a second, third, fourth, fifth, sometimes a sixth date with another girl before you get a look in and it really plays with your emotions and I think Brooke like straight away they're in this little Cessna plane and she's into him big time despite there being a little bit of turbulence it did seem like Brooke knew exactly what she was

doing it's a little bit bumpy and Brooke's turbulence penetration position was to grab my leg could you imagine being on a plane and the captain interrupting going excuse me ladies and gentlemen there will be some turbulence please enter your penetrating position please enter your penetration positions that's a quick way to join the mile high club laura's sitting there the legs behind her head a cigarette in my hand hit me with it captain it's been a while okay so i like we said in the start brooke is incredibly sweet i think that she is erring into the dangerous territory of getting the stage five clinger edit that's what i think i'm gonna say it i think she's beautiful i think she's endearing i love everything about her but i think her enthusiasm and her like

willingness to be in love could get herself into an edit where she becomes the stage five clinger of the season she did say that she's somebody who falls quite quickly and i think she even said at one point that love is brewing which i think is a bold thing to say on the very first date i agree And I also do think exactly what you said, Matt. The person who goes first, the weight makes it so much more anxiety-inducing and you start to doubt yourself. You doubt the connection that you made. You doubt the date that you had because it's so long between your date,

which felt so special, and so, like, you're the first person. There's something about it that's really significant. And then you have to watch girl after girl after girl after girl or on the same day, Jimmy make out with another girl. So there's a lot to unpack in this situation. What did you think of the kiss? It was a pretty full-on first kiss. But the camera angle was very kind to us as the audience.

Like, I didn't feel like I was inside their mouths. There was less, like, mouth-clicking noise. It's not often that you see a lot of tongue action on The Bachelor. That's something that I would like to see more of moving forward. Would you really? Absolutely. He was getting very handsy as well. Just before he gave her the rose, I was paying real attention to this.

His hand was really high up her thigh, and I was here for it. Maybe he's going to top Lockie for like, what was it, Lockie? Like the super spreader, the main kisser, the guy who kissed the most girls. Yes. Maybe Jimmy's coming in and he's going to dethrone him. Is it great? Maybe for the first time ever, we're going to have a bachelor that has sex on the show. Oh, that'd be so weird.

It'd be like the American one. He's hoping. He's hoping. So now Brooke's got a rose. She's safe. But what happens is if you had the single date, you were never on the group date. So as much as she just had the first single date, she's got lots of time with Jimmy. she will not be chosen for the group photo shoot the rom-com sit down brooke your time is over

today is a very important group date every year they do a photo shoot which ends up you used to end up in women's weekly i'm not sure if that's where it still ends are there any mags left i don't think so maybe it's just like a digital shoot now it's not as romantic is it saying that hey and these photos will end up in news.com.au yeah it truly isn't but i mean if you have to dress up as a librarian or a cleaner. I'm going to say that half the girls on that shoot didn't think it was particularly romantic. I mean, Lily was pretty proud of herself. I'm going to say that, but that's jumping ahead. Let's get into the first look of the photo shoot. So the very first look was the naughty library scene. I really enjoyed this because we got to meet someone particularly

special and that woman was Beryl. I basically just jumped at the opportunity and touched every single part of his body that i could so beryl's pretty pleased with herself it's always tricky isn't it when you get given the dud outfit but laura or should i say beryl horny little beryl grandma's gotta eat i love it she took control and really owned that scene granny's gone wild i love that and i actually this i found was such an endearing part of laura like this like made me really love her on the show i'm so here for laura i fucking love her so yeah look you know granny's got a bit handsy but then there was steph as well on this so steph and laura were by far the standouts from that photo shoot steph was the naughty librarian and they were getting a little bit

close and a little bit cozy but you know what not as close as what belinda got on the next shoot can you see my vagina because i have no undies on all right so this is this is a wedding scene Belinda is playing I think like the jilted ex-lover who's trying to get back with her husband being Jimmy Jimmy's getting married there's also a celebrant there he's being played by one of the other girls but Belinda the absolute star of this scene that is one way to break the ice getting the vagina out there Belinda uh she really got into character for this one one thing is though on these photo shoots the girls can really start to get quite possessive and it is a real time to kind of outdo each other and try and like you know make it your time to shine but it was

really really nice to see sort of in this instance that the girls were really getting along you bitch you hoe okay next up was a scene with sierra who was the girlfriend of jimmy the character girlfriend and tani was there as a friend but then jimmy was starting to see tani as potentially more than that and could be a lover now sierra was great and also petrifying in this moment she's fierce she is a little bit fierce and she took it really upon herself to to like own that space like she was loud and she was proud and she did not back down which you know what here for it but if you guys have watched it or if you haven't watched it that did then play into a whole lot of drama at the cocktail party coming on so like that was a really important part of this and

from watching that I think that Tani is like quieter more probably more introverted person and that was probably a very intimidating environment to be put in where you're there being pitted against someone who is loud and brash and like really confident. You wouldn't really be able to kind of stand up to that or to be able to even compete with that, I don't think. Poor Tani, poor Tani. That is a battle that you're always going to lose

because Sierra is just the biggest personality out of every single girl there. The dream in the photo shoot is to get the one-on-one shoot and that was with our little favourite Lily. So every single girl wants to get that one-on-one time. They want to be that one main character of the photo shoot. In our season, it was Leah Costa who was the last. I think Matt and Leah were dressed up as Grease Lightning. That's right.

It was on the back of a car, I think it was. Yeah, and it always happens that the girl who gets that one-on-one time. Will they kiss? Won't they kiss? What's going to happen? Oh my gosh, everybody's watching on. But never in Bachelor history before has the Bachelor kissed the girl who he has that one-on-one time during a photo shoot. The reason for this is because the way that the photo shoots are set up is that there's always other girls watching on.

And as the person who's in the photo shoot, you know that the girls are watching on. You know that they're commentating on what you're doing on that date. So Lily was standing there and she knew that all of the girls were watching her and yet she had a kiss anyway, which it's good to see that the girls took it really well. This isn't fair. I'm dressed like an old woman. What's going on?

And you're banging on like an old woman. Shut up. I couldn't believe what I was watching, Laura Byrne. I could not believe it. A kiss on a group date in front of everybody else. This is a recipe for disaster. as the bachelor you want to do everything you can to try and mitigate any infighting between the girls you want those feuds to just be at an absolute minimum and doing something like that

it just means that everything is going to kick right off because it's a weird set of rules like everyone knows what is happening everyone knows that people are getting kisses everyone knows that's happening but it's all behind closed doors and it's really bloody tough when it's thrust in your face yeah it's so strange isn't it like I mean I mean there is a completely different set of rules in the batch house and you don't really realize that until you're in that environment and the main cardinal rule is you don't kiss in front of the other girls and it's more so because it's it's a power move right like if you're gonna kiss the bachelor in front of all the other girls it's almost like saying I don't really care if this hurts you you can watch but I'm gonna do

it anyway like it's a really big power move in saying that I really like Lily like I love how she came across in the extra time I love that she's genuine and warm and she she seems like a really sweet lovely girl did I like that that kiss happened in front of everyone no but you know what it takes two to tango I don't blame her and he was even like you kissed me mate you kissed her back you both did that you both put that target on her back what about the fact that Jimmy had his shirt off and he was covered in water. Did you like that, Laura? I mean, I thought it was pretty saucy and so did the girls.

Okay, we're getting really wet now. Honey, you're getting saturated. I'm getting saturated. Just watching. And you'll be getting saturated later on, Laura Byrne. What is wrong with you? It's actually not true. We're going to go to bed

after this. It's so late and we've still got to edit this episode. If you have made it this far in the episode, I'd just like to apologise for Matthew johnson brit's away you know we have to have the fill-in it was the next best i'm in lockdown this is my only option it was this guy or lola now i'm coming out of my shell all right here we are so lily got the extra time obviously you always want to get extra time and she's 23 how are you so articulate and intelligent at 23 i was drunk on bombora and a wine pillow is that what they call her like a sack of a goon bag yeah what's the one it was like a fruity fruity elixir thank heavens

I never got to meet 23-year-old Laura. She was a fun time. She was a fun time. Look, I actually think that this rose ceremony and this cocktail party was the most fucking uneventful cocktail party and they had to try and manufacture drama. The drama that unfolded between Sierra and Tani was just like a drunk girl spewing drunkness

and I don't even think she would wake up the next day and know what she was even talking about. And you pulled my hair. And Tani was like, did I pull your hair? Is that what really happened? It was so strange. So for anyone who didn't watch it, Sierra had a bit of a meltdown. She accused Tani of being too boring during their photo shoot,

which meant that she then had to compensate by being loud and obnoxious, I think, is the defensiveness of someone who regrets the way that they behaved. And I feel like she kind of gaslit Tani a little bit and was like, well, it's your fault that I now regret my behavior. Did I like how that played out? No. Do I think that probably Sierra would watch that? And maybe there was more to the story than what we saw.

like obviously producers and editing and that whole thing but I feel like you would watch that back and be like I wish I'd had less wine that night that was pretty poor behavior and yeah onwards and upwards in that environment your emotions are so heightened you know the tiniest little thing can really make you kick off and it was no surprise to me that Tani and Sierra ended up being in tears yeah and you overthink everything like you know I remember when I was with you Matt and I said, okay, Matt and I had a fight at a group date. I had a fight. I kicked on at a group date.

No one knows about it. It wasn't shown on the show. I wasn't happy with the way that a group date went down. I felt a little bit taken advantage of, and I told Matt that I felt taken advantage of, and we had a bit of a tiff at one of the cocktail parties. I disagreed. And I still disagree to this day.

We still disagree. It's something that we've never, ever, ever been able to see eye to eye on, and maybe on another episode we'll go into detail about it. But I remember walking away from that disagreement at the cocktail party thinking, I'm going home. I walked inside, I packed my bags. I thought about it, mate. You're very lucky you survived that night.

I'm very stubborn. I'll stick around. But I can understand why Sierra kind of really got in her head and felt like, because she did behave like a bit of a wally. I can understand why she got in her head that she wanted to apologize. Now, what she wanted to apologize for is pretty funny. Yeah, I just felt like I made a bit of a dick of myself. Oh, my God, the thing I want to bring up with you is I was so in character,

I think at one point I breathed into your neck, I love your heart. So Sierra pulls Jimmy aside, spends some one-on-one time wanting to apologise. However, it is so obvious by the look on Jimmy's face that he is just like, what are you carrying on about? And the poor guy looks like he wants to get out of there faster than, I don't know, what goes fast, a plane? There she is, Laura Byrne, delivering the goods. you know he just wanted to get back with lily and start macking on with her and before we get to the

rose ceremony we had jay who let's not forget she has the key to the business class lounge she used it i'm sure a lot happened that we didn't see but she ended up playing chess with him i was so bored what was that about i like jay she's in my top three but girlfriend enough with the chess you've got all the time in the world you've got this guy one-on-one this is your opportunity to shine this is your solo time you could do whatever you want you could get handsy i thought i was gonna see another kiss i was like this is it a man's gonna get three in one night jimmy did say that there's an episode where he kisses three girls in one night and i thought maybe it was gonna be episode two but no she used the chessboard the chessboard came out oh god i don't know i was

like this feels like it could have been a lot more exciting would you reckon jimmy was like If she has another game of chess, I'm going to take her off my number one spot. He's like, but I will set her up with my granddad who really likes to play chess. That brings us to the rose ceremony. I think a fan favorite went home tonight. Oh, Belinda. Belinda. What do you mean?

How is she going home? She's like the funnest one, only second to Sierra, the funnest one out of all of them. Look, it could have been the screaming, the carrying on. It could have been the vagina talk. Who knows? There was a lot going on in that photo shoot. Flashing your vagina can go either which way. A girl's going to feel really rejected after she flashes her vagina

and then gets sent home. Jimmy, what do you think of this? He's like, oh, that's not getting a rose. I've already seen your rose. You can go home now. So Belinda went home, which I think, even if there was no love or chemistry or anything there, for our own entertainment, that's a fucking miserable choice.

Come on. I'm very depressed. I think Belinda was going to be great for all of us, and I think it's a damn shame that she's left. And then another girl went home and her name is – it's Jacinta. Fuck. Okay, it's Jacinta. And poor Jacinta had absolutely zero airtime once again.

I just hadn't really gotten a chance to connect with Jacinta. Missed those girls from the first week. I will miss Belinda. Jacinta, I wish we'd known you. I wish we got to know you. And that is week one of The Bachelor Done and Dusted. I'm glad that you guys stuck around. If you did, to hear us recap what has been happening.

We will do this every week and we will also drop a few little golden nuggets around like production, around filming, our things, like what we have seen and experienced from our wealth of Bachelor knowledge. We'll rip out the stitches of any old fights that we had many years ago and go deep into the trauma, the suppressed, suppressed trauma. It feels very nostalgic going down this path again, Laura. It does, doesn't it? Do you know what? I think the reason why I'm so sick for The Bachelor and so sick for reality TV. It's because that's how we met and fell in love.

Exactly. And I know that there's people who listen to this who are like, oh, God, it's so manufactured, it's so fake, but it literally changed our lives. I can't wait for the contract to finally come to an end where I can leave you, Laura. I shouldn't have had two children written into that contract. I knew it was a bad idea.

Think about how much more money you made, though, please. Okay, but guys, if you haven't signed up for our Facebook discussion group jump on the facebook discussion group because every single episode we have a discussion thread happening there and it is fucking hilarious you guys can jump on be involved it's like running commentary it's almost like goggle box but in a facebook discussion group so jump on there life on cart discussion group and we have one more week left of holiday and i'm going to stop calling it a holiday because it is a break and it is a shitty shitty break in hell As far as holidays go, this is rock bottom.

This is pretty grim right now. Like Matt and I, obviously when Britt and I took this break, this time off, the only reason why we decided to do these batch episodes is because we were like, we're not going anywhere. We might as well whip out the microphones. We were supposed to go and have a nice holiday. We were supposed to have some bougie time off, but we're just here in our two-bedroom apartment with two children

with Matt taking extended toilet breaks to try and escape us all. But anyway, that is it. Fun times, fun times. That is it from us. Guys, I hope you've enjoyed me sitting in for Brit. A lot of you have said that you're missing her, but I hope that I'm filling her shoes as best as I can. And we will be back next week recapping episode three and four.

But until then. Who do you have to tell, Laura? Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your uncle and your dog and your sister and your friend across the street. But do it with a 1.5 metre distance between you, please. And share the love because we love love. We'll be right back.