Life Uncut - BACH UNCUT - Felix's mum has got it going on

Episode Date: January 26, 2023

It's our second last Bach Uncut and holy hell the wheels are falling off the wagon. We are unpacking ep 10 & 11... not accurately, but close enough.  Everyone is freaking out about the fact that the Bachelors are going to propose, and of course they are Y'ALL HAVE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 7 WEEKS! 3 girls get yeeted, we had the worlds wildest home towns. Jess's boyfriend Damian is using mind control and well, that's about it - we are steaming into Finale!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Can you beatbox for me again? Yeah, rep. Life on cat.

It's so lame. Why did you learn to do that? Don't ask me to do it and set it up as in like, oh, what's that thing you can do again? And then when I do it, you go, that's so fucking lame. At what point of your life did you teach yourself how to do that? When I was a stoner in grade nine. What was his name?

Is it Razel? No idea. He's like a famous beatboxer. Literally no one listening to this will know who that is. In high school, it gave you a lot of street cred being able to beatbox. Did you pick up chicks because you could beatbox? No, but I met a few guy friends. Oh, well, there's always a positive.

Yeah. Look at your face, you're so disgusted right now. All right, let's get into it. I'll never do it again. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode. A very special episode of Life Uncut because it's Batch Uncut. And I'm joined by Matty J. It's great to be here in this absolute sauna of a bedroom.

oh my days this is very painful right now okay we moved the recording after the abomination that was the last record that we did it sounds like and i want to apologize monday's record sounds like we recorded in a kitchen that's where we always record yeah but it's the sound acoustics of a kitchen are particularly bad and you've now forced us to record in a sauna with the heat turned on full ball we're sitting in our undies right now in the bedroom we are we're sitting in our This is as intimate as it gets. The reason why we're in here is because I think this has the best acoustics, but it's also very hot and I can't allow Matt to put the air conditioning on.

So we've already had a fight before we even started this episode. I'm dying right now. And she won't even let me drink gin because she's like, it's making too much noise. The ice is rattling in the cup. I did not. Go on. Have a little refreshing sip.

Right now I'm tied up. What was that, Matt? look we started this episode with a bicker we'll probably bicker a bit more we'll probably get drunk as it goes you guys already know the drill and how this all unfolds i don't get drunk i have one drink at most and you watch me it's very civilized you and the other hand gosh you're a hot mess yeah but you knew that when you chose i didn't i did it all i was like she looks like a lovely sweet young lady little did i know i washed my feet in the sink you washed your feet in the sink you're very rashy and you sweat a lot i do have a rash but i have a forward rash

it's a heat rash it's yeah look i don't look my most attractive right now and also my bum is sticking to the um painted laminate on this chair but anyway we digress and this is what we do to bring you the goods we have watched so much bachelor once again so that you don't have to couple of big episodes oh and weren't they doozies i'm gonna say i'm just gonna i'm gonna preface this and say of the last two episodes i think it's ep 10 ep 11 the best is at the very very end end of ep 11 is great i think that there were some pretty stellar moments throughout both episodes i quite enjoyed this and we watched you enjoyed ep 10 oh yeah it was a little okay ep 10 was a little slow if i'm being really brutally honest right now okay what just didn't do anything for you i think

you said that about 17 times on mondays it's just not doing anything for me i just want a bit of the drama well it's all coming since on monday's episode you paid me out so much about my omni luxe purchase which mind you i have been using every single day might also explain why i have rash on my face who knows actually that's where the rash is coming from no i did it's meant to be because you fell asleep with it on last night and i had to be like laura can you please turn that off the entire room is illuminated bright red and you're like it's not that bad it could be that i makes a little humming noise also like it could be that i fell asleep with it and then my face started to get sweaty because it's literally plastic against the skin it's like

i glad wrap my skin to go to sleep the good thing is though any mosquitoes in the room do get attracted to it they don't die it just it's like a little i come home today and matt's also made a purchase he's purchased the stupidest it's a seat for lola it's practical it's to go on top of his shoulders. Like it's not like a child backpack. It's a seat that you put on your shoulders that your infant child is supposed to sit in. It is the dumbest invention I have ever seen. Lola is petrified of it. And I cannot believe the hypocrisy of somebody who paid me out for buying a stupid item online. And you just did the same thing. Okay. Well, my item cost a fraction of what yours cost. And it's very practical because we're going on another trip

in a few weeks time lola weighs a little bit as a small big baby as a small melon and it's hard it's hard to carry one with one arm she's obviously too small to go on my shoulders so this allows the babies to go on my back on my shoulders but it braces them in it's genius lola's gonna take a little bit of convincing because she hates it but marley liked it no she didn't okay neither of the kids liked it they're both screaming daddy get me down it's kind of i mean you enjoy that you fucking love that don't you when i was like hey lola do you want to try the backpack i was like no you don't lola that looks horrible you literally you literally are they spat in it first no you you popped a balloon in her face you bought balloons from the convenience store and then as i'm gonna

have my one-on-one time with the kids you pop the balloons in their faces and you're like go daddy now you're so evil it was an accident okay let's get into unpacking the bachelor Okay, Ep 10. Ridiculous. Ep 10. Well, Ep 10 starts off discussing something that really has been the common thread throughout every single episode. It's back, baby.

Oh, does it? It just needs to go away. It does need to go away. And what are we talking about? Polyamory. It's back again. Here I am. I wonder if people who are actually polyamorous, is that the right word?

Yes. I wonder if they're even watching this going, oh, for God's sake. No, I think people who are in open relationships are watching this absolute shitshow of an open relationship go down. And they're like, it's not us. Yeah, they're like, well, that does not represent us because it's, I mean, we'll get into it. It's confusing, but I think it's a poor representation of an open relationship. And I actually think it does a disservice to people who are doing open relationships well. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

But anyway, straight into Felix and Jess on a segue. How good does Tangalooma Island look? This episode is brought to you by Tangalooma Island. The whole time I was like, that place looks fucking great. Where is Tangalooma Island? How did you even know that that's what it was? Because it starts off, there's like a beautiful little boat and it says Tangalooma Island Resort. And then it cuts to Felix and Jess on a Segway on the beach.

And I thought to myself, we should go there on a holiday. It looks lovely. You are. I could take the backpack there. You are a giant dork. Has anyone ever told you that? Oh, I'm sorry. I want to take our kids on a holiday somewhere they'll enjoy.

Why are you shaming me for that? It's not that. You're beatboxing with a shoulder pack on the same way. You didn't get that on The Bachelor, did you? You are a big, strong man and you are my man and I am proud of you. And yes, I love you. Anyway. There's a part of me that wishes I was six foot five like Felix.

And also, he's very funny on this date, don't you think? I think Felix is actually quite funny. Like we've said on the last episode, this episode, the redemption arc is back. Is he perfect? No, he's not. But you know what? We're all a work in progress. Every time I'm with Jessica, I find myself opening up to try new things.

Like I'm dabbling in polyamory for Christ's sake. I think he just wants Jess to peg him. Don't you think? He's like, what are we going to be into next? Like this week it's polyamory. Next week you're fisting me. Who knows where we'll take this? Good on Felix for being so open-minded.

He is. He's ready to explore new things. Except he's not that open-minded, really. Like, I mean, he wants to pick Jess at the end. It's so very obvious. Oh, yeah, he's obsessed with her. And this is the first time that I've really seen Felix and Jess together and thought, ah, they could be a couple.

Except that she has a boyfriend. Except Damien's just snorkelling in the background and it's like, Damien, we can fucking see you, mate. Hi, guys. Literally, Damien is everywhere. Next up is a date between Kiki and Thomas. And now Kiki and Thomas, these are the very last single dates as well of the entire season.

Mind you, you said these are really important. You've got to make the most of every second together because as we all know, it's been rammed down our throats, there is an engagement coming. So Kiki and Thomas are sitting down and having a bit of a romantic time together. What were they doing again? Sitting. Like where were they?

Picnicking. I can't remember. I can't remember. It was a long time ago. It was like two hours ago that we rewatched it. Yeah. Sorry, continue. Okay, not important. Kiki and Thomas are sitting down and Thomas has realized he really wants to

have kids and they haven't had, he hasn't really gotten any clear answers out of Kiki. So instead of asking her a direct question, like, hey, can we just talk about it again? Do you want to have kids? Could you see yourself having kids with me? Old meditation boy gets asked, what do you see in your future? And well, he has this to say. The way that I see this with you is that after this, And we kind of like take our time to really live every single moment, get to know each other more and experiencing the creation of life with each other and just growing it. I love that.

Love that. You know, it's almost, it's such a great way of asking the question without obviously asking the question. He could even say things like, do you like being really tired and exhausted all the time, just testing the waters for where she's at? Sorry, that was funny, but I didn't know you were going with it, so I was a bit like, where is this going? Can you say that last bit again?

That's not like you to not laugh at my joke. Be in the moment, Laura, be in the moment. Sorry, I was thinking about my next joke. I know, I know, I know. And just trust that I will deliver something that's quite funny. I mean, it wasn't that funny, to be honest. Let me try it again. okay so instead of thomas just saying i want to have kids he says i would like to experience the

creation of life with each other and just growing it that's beautiful that's beautiful i mean growing a child like growing a human growing the relationship like it's very ambiguous experience the creation of life shit what does that even mean it sounds good though i wonder if he really knows what he's saying or if he's just like this sounds good i feel yeah i feel like dribble this out i want to experience the creation of life imagine if i said that to you do you know this this reminds me of just like reading a horoscope like it says everything and it says nothing yes thomas is a walking horoscope so kiki's confused thomas is confused yeah kiki's like what and then what do you want to fucking do what is it okay they end up buying a plant and now we go into

So what? They get a plant together to experience life. No? Okay. I thought for a second I was like, do they buy a plant? Do they? They planted a plant and they experienced the creation of life and growing it.

Got you. That's, you know, a plant or a human. People must be so confused right now. They're like, what is the recap and what is a joke? We don't know. I'm as confused as you guys are. Should we talk about Jed? Yeah, my beloved Jed.

What does Jed do? You have to look at your notes. Jed goes on a date with Angela. And you know what? This is so close to the end now. And I think that for Jed, he really has taken the experiment seriously. So this last single date with Angela is so important to establish that relationship. What's up, bro?

We have a lot to talk about still. Jed's supposed to be proposing in a week's time. They're getting married in a week's time. And he is saying this single date is so important to establish a relationship. I don't believe this proposal bullshit for one second. I'm so confused. They tried to tease it too much.

They're like, there will be a proposal. And now it's like, there may be a proposal. Now it's just like, there is a ring. It's like, God, is there going to be a proposal or not? And literally nobody except for Leah wants to be proposed to. Not a single person in that house. Leah's like, I'll accept a ring from any one of you three. Don't care who it is.

anyone want one? Honestly, it's actually batshit crazy. Like they've been in there for seven weeks. I think that that's what they said. Seven weeks in total. If you propose to me, did you ever think about it? I'm trying to think back. Did you ever have a moment where you were like, oh, fuck it. I'll just propose. We can break up. No, I think I was being very sensible. I think now, now if like 35 year old Matt went on The Bachelor, I'd be like, fuck it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Also Although in hindsight, it worked out quite well for us. So it's easy to say that now. But at the time, I think if you proposed to me, I would have said no.

Yeah, I really do think you'd have to be absolutely batshit crazy in The Bachelor to drop an E. No offence to anyone who drops an E. Sorry, Blake Garvey. Sorry, mate. Don't mean to throw daggers at you over there. But I do. I think you really need to be in the real world because it's just,

you know, maths is different. Mouse, because you're with the one person the entire way through. I mean, and they do get married at the very beginning. And they do. And they're already married. Okay. So we're coming to the end of the single dates, but we do go back to Jessica and Felix's date one more time,

just to have a little recap, to try and establish where Jess is at. Because to be honest, the girl talks in circles and understanding where Jess is at in her relationship is more confusing than listening to this podcast episode. Like sometimes when I look at you, especially, I don't know, Especially when you're, like, off in the distance. Like, I think, like, I could legitimately fall, like, in love with this man. Why so far away?

I don't get it. Why not when she's up close? Well, I feel like when he's up close, she's like, oh, no, no, no. This is a fucking terrible decision. But when he's off in the distance, a little bit blurry, and she's a little bit drunk, she's like, I could have sex with that. I could do this. Anyway, we've all been there, right?

I love Jess. isn't she amazing she's great she's possibly the most confused person that's ever been on the bachelor and and obviously at this point it's so obvious that felix is obsessed with jess but and i've said it before the reason why he's obsessed with her is because he wants to win and i will get more into that later but i think that this is all a game of chase for felix um the other thing as well is in the golden days in the old bachelor the jeopardy that we used to have was Back in my day. Back in my day.

The Jeopardy we used to have was like someone lived in Sydney and the other person lived in Melbourne. Now we've got someone who lives in Townsville, someone who lives in Melbourne, and they've got a boyfriend. Yeah, they've really ramped up the Jeopardy, haven't they? They sure did. So who's the next girl? She's passed away.

But mum, dad, this is Samantha, who I really love, although she's not living. That's what it's going to be. I can't wait for next year's Bachelor. Do we have to unpack that one? No, this is the last season. We say that every year, so it's fine. Okay.

All right. Group dates. I love a group date. Group dates. And do you know what I love about- Can you remind me what happened? Because I've forgotten. We had a sexologist.

Oh, Juliet Allen. How did I forget? Yes. We have interviewed Juliet Allen on the podcast before. So when I saw her pop up on my screen, I was like, isn't this a moment of synchronicity? Well, you know what they normally do? There's been this old man who I think has done the last, I'm going to say four seasons of The Bachelor.

He's the, I don't know if you remember this, so bear with me. he's the human lie detector do you remember him and then the year before that he was like a former fbi agent the year before that he was like a sex coach before that he was a chef so we joked about this on the last season of bachelor that whenever they get an expert on it's an actor that's an actor and they yeah and they never ever ever had the skill set that they say that they have because we had this we had um on a hard date the psychic and she was she wasn't a psychic no because she came back several seasons later as a love coach yes all right but Juliet Allen is actually a sex and love coach because we've had her on the podcast she's brilliant she's spoken about sex

and libido and loads of different things in past also she had a really saucy episode all around tantric sex like group sex thing that she did and it was fucking wild go listen to that episode but they sit down with Juliet to get a bit more of an insight and to unpack some of the hairy scary dramatic questions that are going on in their relationships and for Jed and Alicia who with the very first couple that sit down on the couch the big jeopardy the big cliffhanger the big scary thing is that alicia actually is in a right frame of mind and doesn't want to get engaged to at the end of this she just wants to have a lovely boyfriend have a lovely normal life date and that seems to be a big problem i understand engagement is a big decision

it does like mean something to me it's a sign of commitment this is a weird one they're trying to make something out of nothing here because alicia is like hey jed i really really like you i'm falling in love with you i can i can see a great future i just don't want to say yes to a proposal on a tv show but i really want to date you and jed's like fuck i don't know what to do for me it's not that hard i see i think this like if he's actually genuinely using this as like well i don't know what i want because i need someone who's prepared to commit to a proposal for me that's either being pushed by producers or it's a real sign of immaturity like you're not picking a relationship because somebody's going to be ready to get married after seven weeks do you know i

mean like that's more about winning the bachelor rather than picking the person who's right for you yes maybe there could be that pressure from felix who's like yeah bro i'm gonna fucking propose bro are you gonna do it jed huh i am felix is like yes namaste we're going to experience a life together and then Jed's going shit I need to propose as well I don't want to be the only one not proposing okay but what if he ends up choosing somebody like could you imagine if he chose the other person just because they were the more willing person to say that they would get married who's the other person again it's um Angela Angela this feels like a like a trick question and there is Courtney in the mix let's not forget that oh sorry yeah this episode there are some

people who get zero airtime yeah like courtney was she in the episode yeah at the end but group date nah didn't see her irrelevant though because we knew she's gonna eat herself at the end anyway yeah she's out she's out she's like time is ticking come on courtney how are you still there for a moment can we just talk about a love story which was once blossoming it was beautiful it was lovely and it is now a steaming pile of shit took the words right out of my mouth thank you thank you it's disgusting to watch on the screen i mean it's not that bad but poor kiki and thomas god the wheels really fell off that get them off laura get them off the screen so we need to apologize i think it's this point in the episode but we need to tell you that it's

so obvious that we have no fucking idea what we're talking about because both matt and i were convinced that kiki was going to be there at the end we were like so convinced i think i even said i might eat my own shit i also said oh my god you're gonna have to eat your own shit tonight i also said this said the same thing about crystal so i might have shit entree and shit mains delicious sauteed they both went home so it's so obvious that we do not know what we're talking about there must be a new editor working over there at channel 10 they're doing a very good job keeping us guessing aren't they they are but i would like to say one thing i think it is very admirable of kiki that she didn't just say what thomas wanted her to say because you know it's

so easy to lie it's so easy to just be like yeah but you know i can see myself having two kids and then just never get pregnant just do a jess and just be like maybe i think maybe i could have kids just talk in circles and say the thought of children you know it's a really empowering idea and you know we have such an amazing connection and and children just really grow that connection and you know you're gonna love my kids she didn't answer the question that's all you had to do just don't answer the question by answering the question with a lot of words just say I want to enjoy the recreation of life with you. And then even Thomas is like, what the fuck does that mean?

The sexologist is like, you guys are cooked. Get out of here. Felix. Felix. Speaking of cooked. No, no, no, no, no. He's great, isn't he? He comes out with these fucking zingers.

He does a good interview. He's got a few good liners in there, doesn't he? But he's just so on the Jess train and he's just so bedazzled by her little Julie face and her blue eyes. He just, the poor thing. I'm not talking about Felix and Kiki. No, sorry. Felix and Crystal.

Felix and Crystal. Oh, Felix. I forgot she was still here. Because they've got a really obvious problem. Right now I'm questioning with Crystal whether we can push past this friendship status. Is there a way of crossing that barrier of just sort of sex and laughter? I don't know what kind of friends Felix has, but I want some of those friendships. How many people have fucked their friends?

Yeah. someone's like um felix you know you don't you're not meant to fuck all your friends and he's like what do you mean that's that's what friends are for i mean i friend zoned her i fucked her last night she gets it she knows where she stands i love it how we just get these little glimpses into what felix is really like we need to see if this can move past a friendship because all that we have is sex and laughter also does it not make you question because like and i know i've said it on every episode, there has to be more that's happened. If all they have is sex and laughter, maybe they had sex.

Maybe they had sex and they've edited it out. Because it was too much. Crystal, maybe Crystal's the one we need to get on the podcast and get to the bottom of the down and dirty. A lot of people have asked for Crystal to be on. I feel like she's the one person who would tell us the truth as well. And I feel like she'd be the one person who would make a cracking Bachelorette because obviously we've teased it and it's been peppered throughout this episode.

She goes. She's out of here. Yeah. She gets to let go. Yeah, it was a sad moment, wasn't it? But we've got other things to talk about first. So basically, yada, yada, yada. Everyone gets a little bit of time on the couch to unpack their feelings

and where they're at in their relationship, you know, to try and get to the bottom of all the deep questions. Once again, it's Felix and Jess. It's the Felix and Jess show. No, I don't even want to talk. Oh, we have to. It's very imperative. Okay, make it so quick because I'm so exhausted talking about those two.

I can't. I cannot. I cannot, Laura. Make it snappy. So Felix basically asks Jess. You have 30 seconds. Yeah, okay, Felix asks Jess, point blank, you know, are you going to break up with Damien after this?

Are you going to still be with him? And Jess talks in circles and doesn't actually confirm that she will leave Damien. She's like, I still love him. And Felix is like, great, so you're breaking up with him tomorrow. And she's like, no, he's someone I always want in my life. And he's like, sweet, so we'll move then to Sydney together? He just doesn't get it.

I will still love Damien. He just won't be my primary partner anymore. Would there be anything sexual in nature about that? relationship with damien no so if you and i were to end up together at the end i don't think that i would be comfortable having sex with him there's nothing more reassuring than getting into a relationship with someone and them saying i don't think i would be comfortable right i don't think i could do it but maybe always good to keep your options open do you think felix is watching this back and being like oh that's what she was saying i also like how felix is like no jess has been

very direct with me and i feel like he is going to see this play out and go my bad sometimes you see what you want to see anyway we then go into the uh cocktail party the cocktail party it should come as no surprise to anyone and that is that there is more chat about polyamory but the reason why this has come up again is because Jess drops an absolute bomb. Like if we're doing long distance I don't know how I'm going to go with no physical intimacy for that length of time because I find that I really disconnect from from that person and that's why my ideal situation is maintaining a physical sexual relationship with Damien. And Laura am I correct in because I did I did kind of zoned out a little bit when you were watching tiktoks yes i was so uh felix is under the

impression that if he picks her no more sexy time between jess and damien right but now in the chat with abigail she's saying well you know if it's long distance and i'm getting bored i may get a bit of damien cock is that what she's saying yes yeah right all right abigail is why would you say that to the one other person who's dating the same guy like why would you of all the women in the house that you could say that to why would you say it to abigail it's like well she has a level of naivety i think like she's not quite aware of the impact that her words will have like surely she must realize but saying that to abigail is huge news right i don't even know if that's like a bit of a game plan to get her angry like it's so weird imagine that she tugs on on poor abigail's dress

hey you want to hear something fucked up abigail's going uh so what's that jess what do you want to tell me i still want to have sex with damien anyway see bye babes abigail is like what the hell is going on well abigail is off it just like everybody else watching and talking about polyamory is off it now as well wow that's it let's get into episode 11 i know so quickly quickly we have to say people went home courtney grabbed jet aside and was like you know what bro i can tell that you love alicia so much that i'm wasting my time here and then jed goes yeah you're Pretty much are. So she gets out of there.

Good enough. Crystal leaves. The one who you said was going to win. Shock, horror. That's a shame. She was really upset. Crystal was crying. I do like Abigail, okay?

I know I've called her the crazy cat lady for a little while. Carrots. Carrots as well. Hand on heart. Saucy. Saucy girl. What else did I call her as well? Oh, yeah, she's tomato sauce.

I do like Abigail. I did think Crystal would be there at the end. And I'm very surprised that he let her go. Like Tilly and Crystal, to me, two people who had a really strong connection. I know that's very cliche. I cannot believe that it's Abigail at the end. I did not see this coming at all. You going to be okay?

I'm fine. Want to go to the gym? I'm fine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wait, who else went home? Did someone else go home? Courtney, Crystal and Kiki. I was so sure that Kiki was going to end up with Thomas, but you know what?

She's gone home to her kids and to not having any more of them. For the best. Thank God. Episode 11. But first, I'm going to have a really quick little drinks break. Last time we did the record, that was after we had sex, wasn't it? What? Last time we did the record in Byron, was it after we had sex?

No. It was. Why would we have sex and then do a record? Like, we had sex the night before. Oh, the day prior. Matt's like, it's the secret sauce. I was still buzzing off that. I'm all clung up right now, Laura.

You're a lot funnier after we've had sex. I'll tell you that much. Jesus. You could tell me anything and I'm just like, oh, my God, you're amazing. But right now, all I can think about is having sex. Is that true? You get to about day four and you're rubbish. You're like, oh, it's been too long.

You get the itch. I'm very itchy right now. I'm just sweaty. Very itchy. Very sweaty. Should we get into unpacking episode number 11? You do have quite a shiny brow. I have such a rash on my forehead.

What is this? What have you been wearing? Headbands or something? Honestly, serious question. I look like I have a sweatband on my forehead. Did you wear a hat today? I think it's from the hat I was wearing in Byron. I think I just had the hat on too much and I got like heat rash.

It's really good. The rash is coming up. Is it really? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, it is too. It's very rashy. Damn, and I thought it was getting better. It's gotten worse.

Far out. Has it just been getting worse as the record's been going on? This is what married life looks like. Rashy. Just rashy in our undies, sweating in the room. It's 40 degrees in our room right now. Talking about how we don't have sex. This is married life.

It's beautiful. Talking about a TV show. Literally. Yeah. For any single people out there, don't do it. Stay single. Enjoy your lives. All right.

Episode number 11. Wasn't this a big episode? Holy dick. Jess. I loved this episode. And Damien. Let's start with Jess and Damien. Can you slow down?

Warm them up. Matt's ready to go. Just slow it down. Let's get into it. You know I'm not good at foreplay. It's so true. Because you're always just like, put it in. No.

All right. No, we start kissing and you go, all right, get on top. and i'm like we've been kissing for what like a minute and you're like like all right let's wrap it up come on let's get this show on the road people it's not that it's just that not like some foreplay is better than other foreplay and sometimes it's just like easy just to go to the main event i'm trying to make foreplay happen and you're always like it's 9 30 it's too late All right. Make it quick.

Speaking, when I said let's sit on this for a little while and flesh it out, I didn't mean talking about our sex life. I meant talking about what this episode was about before we just go straight to Jess and Damien. It's Hometowns, baby. Well, since we're here, since we're on the topic. It's Hometowns. But it's not really Hometowns, is it?

It's Hometowns with a twist. Because it's Hometowns, but it's all on the Gold Coast. The Gold Coast is getting a red hot run. Oh, that's true. Yes. but it's also basically like not only do they meet, so not only do the bachelors meet the girls' parents, they also meet Felix's parents.

So it's like a combined family meet and greet. It's cute. Yeah, it is. Yes. Which I like. And do you know what? We kick it off with Felix who goes on a beautiful date with Abigail. She is lovely.

She is sweet. Abigail is honestly, she's wifey. She's wifey. Yeah. He's not going to pick her, but she's wife material. She is. So basically everything just goes so lovely, which also reaffirms to me that he's not going to choose her

because it's too perfect, it's too easy. She gets along with the family. Everyone's lovely, lovely, lovely, happy, happy, happy. She works in a law firm. Oh. Yeah. Don't you think we should have known that like ep two? I didn't even commit that thing to memory.

So that part of her story, I still don't know. I just thought she stayed at home with a cat. I just, like, what do you do? I have 15 cats. Just screaming at the fridge any time someone gets a tomato sauce out. Yeah. Yeah, I hide from tomato sauce and I feed my cats. That's pretty much it.

And they were like, still better than Jess. Sorry. So bad. That was good. Keish, was that good? Yeah, that was good. Keish right now is sitting there laughing, having a great old time. She's not.

She is. Keish hates editing these episodes. No, no, no, no, no, no. She told me. She's like, I love editing you and Laura fighting. Fighting and talking about Matt's farts and how sweaty you are. We do have to edit out a few little squabbles here and there. Oh, cute.

This being one of them. All right. Okay, so Abigail's family time is divine. They all love her. It's perfect. Imagine it. Why? I was like hoping that the producers would stitch her up

and have a way to bring out tomato sauce. I was just like it was going so well that something had to go wrong and I'm like that was such a missed opportunity. Okay, but what do you think of her throwing Jess under the bus? Yeah, I don't know about this one. Did she throw her under the bus? Yeah, 100%. She picked her up and, like, tossed her on a highway full of buses.

And Jess is under it being like, no, stop, Abigail. And Abigail's like, you all get under this bus. Literally. And that's pretty much what happened. I don't. Okay, I think she went about it the wrong way. I don't disagree. What, telling the mum?

Yeah, that's the problem. I feel like Abigail needed to have a conversation with Felix, a direct conversation saying, look, this came up at the last cocktail party. I know that. But even that just makes her look, even like the brother, tell it to the brother, not the mummy. Why did you call her mummy? I don't know.

Anyway, she really throws Jess under a bus. When I last spoke to Jess, she was saying that after the finale, She would still maintain that sexual contact with her current partner because she doesn't feel like they're at the point where she will let Damien go. Do you know what, though? I think Felix's mum is the real MVP of this whole situation. Oh, she was great, wasn't she?

I mean, and she's as confused as anyone. I just don't know why you would... It's not... There must be some other show she can go on. I love mums so much. I live for a good mum. Not in a weird sexual way, but in a hometown's awkwardness. Great grab.

Moving on. Felix's mum is quite hot. I like what she's got to offer. Yeah. What do you think? That little bob haircut with the fringe. She's very cute. And I like her quite a lot.

You're so fucking weird. imagine if that's who i ended up with and i was like laura i'm sorry i'm seeing felix's mom imagine felix would fucking hate me if you left me for felix and then you became felix's dad wouldn't that be a wild story that would be a really good tv show and then well and then he'll be dating jess and you guys could all live in a commune together that's the dream that's beautiful One can only wish. That was fucking weird. Thanks for taking it there, honey.

Who was next? It was Jed's family again. Okay. Great mother. Really enjoyed this episode. Jed's mum. Oh. Don't even get me started.

She is awesome. But what I love about meeting Jed's family. Matt, can you stop? What? You're like licking your lips. You're just being so weird. Okay. What I love is just what a normal family.

Fucking stop, pal. I'm just sitting here. What are you trying to do, Laura? I'm sitting here ready to continue on the conversation. Don't lie. You're painting me out like I'm this. Like you're masturbating in the corner. Felix' mum, is that you?

It's so hot in this room. Laura and I are now naked. We're not lying. I'm pretty much top. Like, fuck it. I'm going topless. Here we are. This is just.

I'll put it back on then. All right. This is just, like, this is wild. Okay, continuing. Jed's mum. Has a beautiful family. They're just the most wholesome family, but they had the most relatable normal moment.

All right, relax. Big moment. Shit. I wish you wouldn't speak like that. I'm not 12 years old. Shouldn't swear in front of Alicia. I'm not going to swear in front of a female or their femme. Or your mother.

I'm sorry for swearing. All right. Let me relax. Oh, stop pressing me. I'm trying to chill out. Horrendous. If anything's going to solidify that Jed is only 26 years old and still a bit of a child, it's getting in trouble by his mother.

That's what's going to do it. Right? Oh, Jed. We're so tired. Our brains have turned into fucking mashed potato now That's where we're at Because this episode went for four hours It did, it went for so long

But okay, can we just say We're loving all the mums Another mum that we love Which we should mention Is Alicia's mum And you call me weird for focusing on the mums Alicia's mum didn't even come And she's still great

I think she also knows and understands A bit more about reality TV than most What about your mum? Is she coming? No, my mum thinks commercial TV is just an absolute crock of SHIT. She definitely watched our season and thought, I am definitely not getting involved in that shit. Also, don't you just love that Alicia's family are so perfect?

Like, they look like they've walked out of a Vogue magazine. Alicia's dad walks in with the cardigan over the shoulders. With the cardigan tied around, I feel like. Was that producers? Do you think they were like, hey, it's a bit nippy in there, put this on? Was that his own wardrobe, do you think? I don't know. Do they normally change what, like,

does a wardrobe change what your parents are wearing? Well, maybe because it was just so, like, proper, preppy. Well, it couldn't be more chalk and cheese. And, like, I think Jed has picked two very well put together women who, like, you know, they seem very classy in the way that they dress and the way that they style themselves. They're not particularly alternate looking women. And I think he has a very alternate looking style.

By meeting Alicia's parents and Alicia's dad and her brother, I think it really highlights just how proper they appear and it kind of like shows how much that they are chalk and cheese. That's what was achieved by that little hometown. But to me it also just highlighted how boomers can be. You know, who cares that Jed – Don't offend all the boomers listening to this podcast episode. That might be our target market.

We don't know. Carol, apologies. Mums out there, apologies. Well, there was examples of two boomers. One was a bit judgy, Alicia's dad. And then we have the beautiful dad of Angela. No, no, no. We're not there yet.

Oh, where are we? Well, we're at the part where Alicia still doesn't know whether she's like, I'm not getting married to you. I'm so sorry. I was like, yeah, come on. That chat's boring. Let's talk about the beautiful dad of Angela. Okay, sorry.

You steamrolled the jeopardy. Alicia has made it very clear that she's not going to say yes to Jed's proposal. We get it. We get it. Jed's not going to propose. I guarantee it. I'll eat my own shit if he proposes. Can we stop eating shit?

I just want to eat shit so bad. Shit on me. That's fucked up. I'll do something crazy. Like, I don't know. I'll eat my own shit or maybe you could shit on me. It's so hot in here. Matt's been holding his breath and it's hot.

There's no brain cells left. I know what I'm saying. No, you don't. I regret nothing. I stand by my comments. I will live stream a shit eating after the finale on my Instagram. Shut up. Shut up.

Okay. Stop. Okay. Stop. Stop talking. Stop. I feel like Jed has gotten a bit confused. No one cares, Laura.

No one cares about the storyline of the proposal. We know that he's going to pick. We know he's going to pick Alicia. We know he's not going to propose. Okay, but I feel like he has gotten confused as to whether he's going to be in a relationship with a woman or a ring. Well, this is a bit of a bloody disaster right now because the ring is endgame for me.

I thought Alicia was endgame, but if the ring is off the table, I'm not sure. he's gonna pick the ring he's gonna at the end he's going like alicia walks away uh what's the other one's name georgia georgia what's her name is it georgia angela it's the end of the season they both leave and he's like to the ring he's like it was you all along will you spend the rest of your life with me and then he just like you know punk rocks out of there him and his ring him and his burning ring of fire and you have a go at me for coming up with these weird storylines in your head that's what's gonna happen they run away uh jen and the ring are still really happy

together someone said in my dms and told me yeah it's going strong anyway you're so funny what was next oh you're cute shut up you're so cute i'm tough i love i love you thank you i love you thank you so much remember the time that i told you i loved you and you said thank you when was that no i said i'm falling in love with you and i said thank you and you said thank you Falling in love with you, to me, that means nothing. No, that is thank you. Thank you is a very kind response. Yeah.

So we come off the dumpster fire that is Alicia's day. Alicia's dad was also particularly mean to Jed. We didn't cover that. We didn't cover that ground. He was a bit of an asshole. But he was very judgmental of Jed. And we don't have time for that. We want people who are accepting and open and, you know,

what's supportive about little Jeddy boy. Like Angela's dad, who also, when he first appears on camera, does also seem very preppy. I thought it was going to be like another boomer, but he's a beautiful man. And I'm surprised. And I'll say this. I thought Angela's family, I thought Angela, being that she was like tennis and she also is a bit preppy, I thought that they would be the ones that would be the most kind of,

I guess, like put off by the fact that Jed is a bit alternate. But Angela's dad, I was in tears. I cried. It was beautiful. I am pathetic and I cried. And you know what I thought was so beautiful about this? It was the fact that I think Angela's dad was also hitting on Jed. The nails.

Yeah. The nose ring. Yeah. The tats. By the way, I love this one here. Oh, thank you. It's a compliment, thank you. I don't judge a book by its cover, so I'm happy to put all that aside.

Yeah. I think you're a fairly attractive guy, so no problem. Oh, thank you. Stop it. What is happening? And then Jed runs away with Angela's dad and the ring. And now they are all living happily ever after. I didn't want to spoil it.

I didn't want to give that little tidbit away. I mean, it's been a wild season. I wouldn't put it past producers to suggest it. Okay, but the thing that I wanted to bring up off the back of this day, back of this hometown. Oh, I feel like this is a very serious comment. Yes. Jed has fucked himself.

Do you know why? Why? Because, so, Angela and Jed had this really beautiful moment at the end where Angela tells Jed that she's falling in love with him And Jed says the same thing back. He's like, you know, I've been waiting for you to say it and now he's all in with his emotions. He's done it to both girls.

He's done a Lockie Gilbert. He's literally said I love you to both Angela and Alicia. Both of those girls are going into the finale. They are coming into Sunday red hot and ready thinking that they're the ones because he's basically said I'm picking you without saying I'm picking you. Do you know what though? I do think Angela is kind of just going with the flow. I don't think she's into Jed as much as Alicia is into Jed.

I don't know. No, I know. I know it. Going back to Alicia for one second, I know that you're very tired of the whole proposal line. I know you're bored. I know I'm just going to sing through this. It was a little grab.

I wanted to throw it in there. Here it is. I really like, once again, the same thing with Kiki. I really like how strong and independent the women are being and how they're not being pushed around or pulled around by the production of the show they're not just saying that they want to do something or that they will do something to be chosen in the end and I think that is incredibly admirable I was not aware of a proposal prior to coming here and I don't plan on leaving with one just because it's a television show oh you like that didn't you say it sister I just love it I

love that there are so many women on this season who are not saying the things that they think they need to say to win they are being honest and I think it's really changed the dynamic of the show it's it's made it more interesting to watch because instead of everyone just vying for the bachelors and then being like who I get to take the pick of the litter even Jessica like all these women are being really strong in their opinions and in what it is that they want even though some of them don't know exactly what they want they're still communicating that and I think that that's really incredible and something that we've never seen on past seasons i agree i got a little i agree i got i agree i've got a lot of are you okay i agree you were literally rubbing your

nipples at the same time you were like hey i got hey i agree what i'm trying to say is i'm horny i agree that's great no i'm all for it all right what's next then we're gonna talk about But I cannot believe the mess we are in right now. The end of the show. This is the second last episode of the season. And guess who is back? I'm talking about Damien. Oh, my days.

I just don't understand in what world does Jess live in where she thinks it's a good idea to meet Felix's parents and bring along, I don't want to swear, but her fucking boyfriend. I don't think it was her decision. No. No. You know, she could have easily have said, hey, in the hotel room, she met her brothers and then Damien came in. And I also want to say I feel sorry for Jess's brothers who got dragged along and didn't say a fricking thing the whole time.

Like, could you imagine being Jess's brothers in that situation? It would have been absolutely mortifying. They would have just been sitting there going like, oh, look, we think the whole thing's cooked. We're sorry. I'm sure they do. We agree with you. But we love her, but this is a terrible, terrible situation.

She could have said to Damien before she met the family with Felix, I don't think it's appropriate that you come along with me. I'm going to go with my family only. Like how did Jess think that was going to play out when she's like, this is a really big moment. I need his family to like me. And she's like, here's my freaking boyfriend. I don't.

I think that it was completely produced. I feel like Damien has always been a part of the storyline. As in like when Jess signed up to do it, I feel like him coming on the show was always produced in. Like, I feel like there has to be. But you know. There's no way that she is that level of delusional that she would have thought that Felix's family would be okay with her bringing her boyfriend along.

Like, it has to be produced. But she could have said, hey, I don't want to go ahead with this if I have to walk into that room with Damien by my side. She could have said, this is not how it's going to happen. Look at Alicia. Yeah. But Alicia's, you know, she's strong independent. She's making her own choices.

And her mum does think commercial TV is a crock of shit, so she wasn't there. Yeah, and I bet you Alicia's mum is like, I told you so. Look at this hot mess. Do you know what, though? Okay, this was – I feel like this is really where Damien's, people's feelings towards him. I think everyone always thought it was a bit, you know,

it's a bit of an unusual setup, but I think people's feelings towards the relationship that they seem to have, and obviously we can only see what plays out on TV. It's all produced. It's all edited. we totally appreciate that but i almost find that the way that he communicates with jess by saying like you don't have to make any decisions you can be in a relationship with me but you can have everything else at the same time he's almost creating an environment where she's not able

to make decisions she's not able to assert herself because she's so frightened of hurting someone she's so the repercussions of her actions well yeah and like the severity of like losing that one person who's making himself available no matter what she does it almost feels like softly manipulative it's and i don't know how to describe it because it was just something about that whole environment that made me feel really uncomfortable and especially when felix who has boundaries he doesn't want to be in an open relationship he wants monogamy he's kind of being led down the garden path a little bit and he's saying cool i want some boundaries put in place there but damien isn't allowing felix to have any boundaries and that feels really controlling of this situation

but how are we back here now the last episode i thought the narrative was just saying i'm falling in love with you by the way i'm going to end it with damien i'm not going to have sex with him and then all of a sudden we're still back to day one like it's just gone full circle considering everything i feel like felix is taking it really well okay but once again Felix's mum Felix's mum comes in with the goods she is harsh she is very critical of Jess and you know what I don't think necessarily going in hard on Jess is fair but I think Jess needs a little bit of a wake-up that she's being a little bit deluded about the outcome because she keeps flip-flopping between these two options and hasn't really been able to

make any decisions. And look, Felix's mum has a lot to say about it. Do you know what worries me? The way you keep referring to it as an experience. It comes across as not sincere. A relationship is not an experience. I feel, Damien, like you've been used for an experience. and felix i don't want felix to be used as an experience you're gonna move on to another experience you are a girl of experiences oh holy shit that's a really mean that was like i feel like that was mean yeah i okay parts of that i agree with but i also yeah it's pretty full-on

i thought i thought they're about to start going at it and then felix's mom holds it to the ground and start they have a full beef stomping on her head yeah like um what's it carl stefanovic and yeah she's like you're a god that just in the car part they were hitting each other and then damien felix start wrestling yeah and then the brothers of of jess are like oh god well they just cracked a beer open and they're standing on the sidelines one person was filming it and sending it to daily mail yeah it's really spiraled out of control it's going to be in the papers tomorrow like it was a lot felix's mom's okay though but she won she won obviously yeah can i to say I think why people are getting frustrated right now is because we've had an example of

Thomas wanting to be with someone but then understanding that they don't have the same wants and needs i.e he wants kids Kiki doesn't so then he can say hey do you know what we're not aligned it's not going to work I'm going to say goodbye as hard as that is yeah and I think also with what you're saying like Thomas really I think I mean obviously it could be Eddie but But I think he really wanted to pick Kiki. I agree, 100%. And it was only that that was like such a glaringly obvious thing that did not align for them that he was like,

well, this is not going to work out for us. Okay, and when I say this, I know that I'm just stealing how you have, you know, digested the whole situation and how you think it's playing out. But I think for Felix, it's more about just wanting to win. It's that competitor inside of him rather than it actually being a case of him wanting to be with a woman that he's fallen in love with. They are.

a monumentally bad match like them as a couple it doesn't work and the fact not only is they haven't even spoken about the fact that they live on opposite sides of the country they don't need to talk about that because the other jeopardy that they have in their relationship is already so ridiculously big that that hasn't even gotten a look in like how are they going to navigate long distance but for me I'm like I think exactly what you said Matt and I know that you took it from something I said earlier but Felix wants to win there's a person here to compete against he was a professional sports person. Like he wants the woman who there is a chase for. And he wants at the end of this for Jess to say, I choose you. Even though she's saying repeatedly over and over

again that, you know, I don't know if I can choose you. I don't know if I want it. Could you imagine picking the person who is saying to your face, I am in love with someone else and will probably have sex with them it's absolutely insane but do you think that is i don't know if it's just me but does felix kind of enjoy being in these situations where damien is also there like do you think that he's like maybe they're all together now maybe the three of them are in a relationship maybe they are and that's going to be the big plot twist at the end that felix and damien end up hooking up is that oh my god that would be amazing i freaking hope so i will subscribe to that because because no one is picked at the end of this episode it's like it's all like

oh what's gonna what's gonna happen okay well at this point though who do you think is gonna win now like who are your final three and i'll tell you my final three okay uh starting with jed he's gonna pick alicia i think thomas is gonna pick well i'm torn i think it'll be leah i really I think it will. I think he'll go the safe option. Okay, and then? And then Felix, because I bless him. Because he's an idiot.

He's an idiot. I think he'll pick Jess. Okay, right. I'm going to say Felix is going to pick Jess. Wild. If he does not pick Abigail and he picks Jess, like, we will riot. But I think he's going to pick Jess. I think that Jed is going to pick Angela.

Oh, shut up. I don't believe it. I know he's going to pick Alicia. But, like, I'm going to just go for something different. You know, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to be that person. Please. Woo, go Angela. Okay.

I think Jed's going to pick Angela. At least, yeah, but we'll say Angela. And I think that Thomas is going to pick Lauren. Also not convinced, but like, we'll just go with that. But you know what? Okay. So this is the second last episode, right? We do have one more, obviously, because there's a final episode coming out.

Thank God it's the last one. Just, you know, we'll put that in there as well. I think it's fair to say that we will not be doing interviews with some of the contestants. But we got given a teaser at the end of this episode. There was a little sprinkling. We got to get an insight of what goes down on the final episode. It's absolutely insane.

And guess who's back? Damien! So by the looks of things, Damien is going to be there at the very final rose ceremony. What? So that he can hear what Jess has to say. That is the most awkward. Like who is the producer who thought this up?

Genius. They need a pay rise. I can't wait. I can. But it's going to be great. Can we have sex now? Can you stop talking about sex? No, we've been recording this for an hour and a half

and we've watched four hours of The Bachelor today and believe it or not, that's not what I need to get aroused. Tomorrow it is. Okay, perfect. Will we record on the Sunday night after the episode so it'll come out Monday? Yeah, it's going to be hell. It's going to be hell on earth. I cannot wait.

Sunday's episode, we're going to watch it. We're going to take our notes. We're going to take it very seriously and we're going to record straight after and then I'm going to edit into the night and it will be in your inboxes on Monday morning next week, babies. And then guess what else? We are back with Life Uncut on Tuesday. It'll be our very first episode back with Britt because she'll be back

in the country, and I cannot wait to drill her about her boyfriend. What's his name? Ben. Ben. Ben who? Ben the soccer player. I don't know. Do you need to know people's last names?

No, no, no. I was just testing you. Yeah, he's Ben. He's very nice, but he lives very far away. Oh, that is a bit of an issue then, isn't it? She does like long distance. She's very happy, very happy, but you know what? I'm going to leave it all for Brittany to tell you herself

because I will get to the bottom of it all. And I'll be staying as far away from this podcast equipment as I can, as well as a bottle of gin. No more gin. I'm gin-less after this. Yeah, we've had enough. We've had enough. Don't make us do any more.

Anyway, guys, that is it from us. If you've loved Batch Uncut, please go. You know the drill. Leave a review. Share it with your friends. You know, just share it around. Share it with Damien. I'm back.

And to Felix's mum. What's her name? Susan. Who knows? Carol. And share the love because... We love love!