Life Uncut - BACH UNCUT - I really wanna pash ya

Episode Date: January 24, 2023

It's FINALS WEEK BABY.... what the hell... but Bach just started yesterday?!  On today's pod we are unpacking episodes 8 & 9.  Episode 8 kicks off with a brief return of Tash who did her dash. Jedd is posed with a tough decision of whether she should be allowed to return to the bachelorette house, or yeet her out for good. Next up our beloved c̶a̶t̶ ̶l̶a̶d̶y̶ 3̶0̶ ̶c̶a̶r̶r̶o̶t̶s̶ ̶g̶i̶r̶l̶ Abigail has some very strong feeling about sauce... and I'm, sorry what? Jedd bangs around on a piano and has a little Kissy kissy. While Thomas gets to know Leah by screaming in a jet boat. AHHHH romance. EPISODE 9 - IS A BANGER! We see Jedd scared shitless (again) as he's made to go on a date that he hates. Thomas is in love with everyone.  And the worlds most dramatic game of never have you ever sees 3 bachelorettes yeeted from the mansion. If you loved this episode we would love it if you would take 30 seconds to leave a review, or go and follow @lifeuncutpodcast for more of the action.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. My name is Matty J.

And this is our down and dirty, I was just slipping into old Life Uncut days, this is our Batch Uncut. This is final week. Oh, why? Do you remember when we thought that there was simply no more episodes they could cram into one week than four? and here we are on the last week of the series and there's five episodes is there really five this week oh no actually well i think there's four sunday is sunday the start of the week on

monday the start of the week i don't know for certain the right answer to that question i would say that most people would say that the week runs from monday to sunday but i know when i was a kid it came up as a real question what lunatic was starting it on a sunday that was madness who spread that rumor that we all bought into yeah someone i remember someone telling me that the week starts on a sunday and i've just never questioned it since what do you mean anyway there's five four five but this episode will be two though we are unpacking episode eight and nine but before we get into unpacking all the things are the bachelor okay no i want to ask you something okay because i want to talk about something that you did but you go first ask away do i look glowy

and dewy and iridescent do i look like i have been sitting under a beautiful red i think it's called an led light you're quite greasy am i slimy very shiny a little bit oily yeah really oily is that that's probably not the desired effect i don't have anything on my face so am i really that shiny it's pretty shiny but you look great i just i can barely recognize who this young woman is sitting across from me at the table laura is that you no no she's dead on the inside i can't believe i cannot believe you got fucking sucked into these stupid products i didn't get your sister your sister on christmas day was like oh it's wonderful buy the lead light mask gets rid of my rosacea and i was like i don't even have rosacea but i'll buy it my family gets sucked

into these tv commercial thing my mum it's an omni lux mask and this is not sponsored it caused way too much too much money it cost you're like my mom i was i was a bit drunk when i purchased it on christmas night you were like my mom i remember as a kid we would get these random packages delivered to our house and it would be like the abtronic 2000 and i was like what the hell is this and mom was like don't touch my package she was with a free set of steak knives literally we actually bought steak knives off danos direct that was so shit they didn't work the ab swing we had the ab swing do you know what's weird the thing that's weirder about all the shit your mum bought on infomercials is how many times you tell

me that i remind you of your mother and now i come home and you're like where's my package and i'm like mum is that you and then you come out with this big led mask and that costs like five thousand dollars it didn't cost five thousand dollars it was it was and i'm like that's like college tuition for our children that you're just wasting on this LED light. Okay, our children can pay their own HECS debt. They need to know some resilience and I will buy the LED light because I need to try and look young. Okay, question, because it's quite, like it's a very strong light.

You're wearing it in the living room and for anyone going down our street, they'll be like, oh, there's brothels opened up down there. That's weird. This red glow is coming out from our living room. That or that we just left the Christmas decorations up for too long How often do you have to wear it? I have to wear it every night for 10 minutes For four weeks minimum

Oh no, maybe four times Four to five times a week Every night? For four weeks Every night? Only for like 10 minutes or 15 minutes or something Oh my god Do you get a rat?

Like when I wear that, are you then like Mmm, I know what comes after this No, it's like you've turned into this robo-wife And you're like, I will have sex with you i will not have sex with you need to recharge the one thing that i think was a bit about like i feel like i've been led down the garden path oh what was it laura which part well it was the five thousand dollars it says that you can read like it's like it's like it's oh it's it's portable you can put it on you can wear it around the house i can't fucking see the light's so strong

i'm going blind i'm in the living room all i can hear is these bangs and you're there walking into walls someone messaged me and said make sure laura keeps her eyes closed i think i have cataracts laura i'm over here you're staring off to the fiddle figure are you okay our children are gonna have freaking nightmares when they see you wearing that thing yeah it's horrific i'm gonna wear it for the next record maybe i'll put it on and do my second session when we unpack the second episode of this episode of this podcast i don't even know i'm talking has anyone asked about the mask on instagram yeah do you know what's surprising how many women have told me that they also own it okay i will say this a number of people have

messaged me and said it's really good i'm gonna as much as i'm shitting on you people have said that it does work i'm gonna place a bet here i bet that in three weeks time when you see the results i'm gonna come home and you're gonna be there on the amp swing doing it yourself all right let's get into unpacking the two episodes because like you know we do this to ourselves every week it's already 10 o'clock at night oh god we need to get this finished within the hour we are unpacking episode eight and it kicks off in the same way that episode seven finished tash is back oh she's back and she should just go again she's back i was thinking to myself oh my god is she going to come back into the mansion with the rest of the women i don't think

you're alone with that thought matthew i think other people thought the same thing well there you go it's good to know that we're all thinking the same thing people but i was thinking jed if he'd let her back in if she had walked back into the mansion with the rest of the women could you imagine how much that would have kicked off well they've all just been living like peaceful kumbaya in there like namaste what is it called when you live in a commune yeah like a clan of women a commune is that what it is uh like a nudist colony i think they've all been wearing clothes but a commune you know they're all in this like polyamory commune and they're all living harmoniously and tash would have just truly fucked that up the really nice part about this which i think i'm

really was so proud of little jen when he went and asked the producer what to do that part he had to take a few moments to really think about it he really had to have a lot of help do you know why felix were like don't fucking do it the producer was like don't fucking do it and he's like i just don't know what to do yeah but like this is so reminiscent of when you have like a really strong attraction to someone you're really sexually attracted to them you know that they're bad for you but you just hope that maybe it can be different but in this instance Jed did us all proud and he sent Tash Packard thank you it took a lot I know it was the right decision but God it took a lot my whole life I've just accepted people who have left me and come back and been

like it's okay because I've always felt bad for them and that just shot me back into past relationships I need to have some more respect for myself because I've let people walk the over me Jed my boy very good from you that's my that's my father fatherly voice is that how you speak to the children when they do things that you think like when Marley was potty training I was like Marley very good pull from you come out now come out of the bathroom it's off to bed now for your money meanwhile you're walking around with the fucking red led mask on our kids are like what is wrong with our family it's character building but you know what i am so proud of jed for doing this because there

was even a moment there where i was like oh you know maybe oh maybe tash really is genuinely into him and this is the fact just for a second no no no no the case that she put forward i thought was so weak she was like just come on come on honey just come pick me like that was literally that was that was all she said she had an opportunity to let it all out in the line be honest about her feelings and she was like please honey just let me back in that was what she said to be fair now that you've said that i do agree with you i think i was persuaded by the music i think yeah the The emotive music really gets you like, gets you going. It does.

It does. But you know what? So he kicks Tash out and then Tash shows her true colors. I mean, he probably thinks I did it for him. I did it for myself. So now that Tash is gone after briefly coming back for what was an unnecessarily short amount of time, I feel like I have emotional whiplash from that moment. Yeah, you really got into that.

I was just like, it was just unnecessary. It was like, she's here, then she's gone. And then she's back and then she's gone again. You'd be pissed off if you were her, right? because I'm sure producers would have coaxed her back into like packing her bag and then coming back in the mansion and she would have been there for what a couple hours before getting kicked out and it also would have been like such a great storyline to kind of squeeze out of them but do you think they told Jed to send her home because do you think that the producers were like dude

you gotta send her home because it'll make you look like the stronger person or do you think they would have totally left it up for him look I don't want to take away from Jed and the growth that he's had over the last few weeks i think i do think he is mature enough to make that decision on his own i'm sure that he kind of you know asked for some advice from the rest of the guys and producer there as well but i i do think credit to jed he's done this on his own the producers there in the background with a gun to his head like fucking send her home laura very morbid from you i think it's time to talk about this single date here all right so felix and abigail crazy cat lady for anyone who doesn't know who she is which i'm sure maybe a few of you carrots was she

a carrot girl as well she's a carrot girl i can't even remember 30 carrots well i did feel sorry for their date though because it was meant to be a really beautiful high tea it was outside and it was freaking cyclonic there was yeah blowing a gale an abigail that was really dumb it was so dumb it was great okay so they sit down and they're on the little high tea like on the the little tears are some sausage rolls now abigail has a weird phobia a very unusual phobia and that is uh something that i don't think anyone would guess is that ketchup on the sausage rolls though because it is okay that's my actual phobia i have a massive phobia of ketchup it's horrible oh it is yeah it's really bad if you put that anywhere near me i will literally i will probably

I just hate it. I hate it so much. Even the smell, I can smell it before I see it. I literally had a locked jaw. That's for me. I've been to therapists about it. It's weird. Okay, I have a question here.

Why the fuck is there ketchup on the sausage rolls? Like, who puts sauce onto a, like, as a sausage roll there, you put the sauce in a bowl. Like, they knew she was afraid of sauce and they put it on the sausage rolls. In high teas in the UK, you always have sauce on the sausage roll. Oh, it's pre-sourced. It's a pre-sourced roll. Always.

Always at a high tea, pre-sourced. Also, why have you got sausage rolls on a high tea? That's not fancy. That's a bit like an Aussie high tea. It's a freaking... Like mini meat pies. Is this a high tea? It's just...

It's literally like a Code 4 cyclone right now with sausage rolls. That's not a high tea. At the toddler party. Yeah. Okay, so I know we've spoken about Felix getting a redemption edit. You know, people didn't like Felix. Like he was on the down and now he's on the way up. We're starting to warm to him again.

This is the Felix rollercoaster and we're now... It's the Felix rising, like the Phoenix rising. Oh my God, we are so lame. I did like that though. But this is the beginning of Felix rising. I'm trying to get on board with your saying. You can't look at me like I'm an idiot when I try and use your saying. It's your saying.

It was bad the first time. It's only getting worse. You can't suggest it. And then when I use it, go, what the fuck are you doing? It was bad when I said it. I liked it. It's really bad now. All right, all right, all right.

But Felix, he's trying to understand who the crazy cat lady is. He's trying to get on a deeper level with her, and it's beautiful. Well, okay, he's normally one who goes for the physical, but with Abigail he seems to see something in her that's different to the other girls. You know, you'd make a great mother, and that, like, nurturing that i've never you know to my own detriment haven't gravitated to in the past because i sort of never thought that i knew i needed it just by being you you're bringing that

out he's getting it felix just wants a mother he no longer wants a sexual partner he wants someone to mother him and that is another fucking red flag he gets it laura oh he wants to marry his mother just like you okay this date seems to go pretty nicely he then takes abigail back to the batch mansion because he has a special surprise for her he has a present for her and what does he buy the crazy cat lady he buys her a onesie for her cat that was weird didn't you think yeah it was really weird what's even weirder one might say is when he pulled out this massive tray of kitty litter and asked her to go to the bathroom in front of him did not expect that he was like we both are getting a present tonight okay but after they have uh this exchange of a kitty cat jumper

there was no kitty it's not like she has a hairless cat like why the fuck does her cat need a jumper cats usually have enough fur to keep themselves warm i agree i agree okay very nice gesture from felix so he's he's growing he's being nice and considerate it truly is the thought accounts but they then decide to facetime abigail's cat and we're all sitting on our couches watching it's great tv the two of them talk to a cat on an iphone cat doesn't say much does he the thing that i am a bit confused about and what sort of sprung to mind as i was watching abigail cry about the fact that she was talking to her cats is how do you think kiki would feel when she went home and she was like i got to facetime my cat and kiki's like i've got two

fucking kids i haven't spoken to them in months i have two children and no one's letting me face like how is this fair it's not fair it's not fair but i do think abigail's a bit of a dark horse i think i'm not feeling it i'm not feeling it not feeling it not feeling it not feeling it oh stop now okay moving right along let's talk about jed and courtney for their single date for the record speaking of not feeling it courtney seems lovely but i've not seen her at all this entire series don't know at all i think courtney on paper and like seeing them in their date and stuff i actually think that they're so well suited together like they actually look in terms of like how they interact i think they seem perfect for each other i just think the jet is already too

into some of the other girls oh it's alicia yeah it's so obvious if it's not alicia you can eat your own shit which i'm looking forward to doing well you won't have to do it because we all know it's a list thank heavens ah delicious but it's an awkward i do like jed for the record big fan of jed but they wrote a song she had a bit of music talent i think like her dad played the bass she could play the chopsticks and they're trying to write this song and he's just there like oh what like what i'm looking for a deep ocean yeah and then this next line i'm just not sure he could have been in there by himself in this recording studio he didn't need her it was she'd suggest something he'd be like shut up i'm writing a song courtney fuck and then they

started hooking up and then he started playing piano whilst they were hooking up he was like it was such a weird day love jet there's only a few people left like we're at the is there four people left at this stage four people three people four people four or five people fuck i can't count there is not many people left i still can't pick who most of them are going to choose and like i don't i don't know half of the girls i don't know anything about them still like how are they supposed to propose in two weeks time when we know nothing about them and the bachelors don't even know half their names they don't even know his name he's like rachel will you marry me and she's like it's katherine he's like sure whatever close enough

put the ring on so they i mean they have a cute little kissy kissy and then we have thomas's single date and he is on a single date with leah and she is angelic and they are already disgustingly in love and even though i don't think that they've really exchanged many words together he fell in love with her on this speed date when they very first met because he was in tears afterwards and i don't think from that moment he's really paid any attention to her at all like when he's with her i don't think he's into it no of course he's into it i i just don't see it i think it's just because it feels she's too easy for him he wants to chase someone yes Well, she's been like the quintessential Bachelor.

Like she's said every single perfect Bachelor line so far. And why I'm sceptical is because she's been on The Proposal, the Channel 7 show beforehand, so she gets how this machine works. I feel like she just gives out all the cliché sayings. No, but she did open up about her ex-boyfriends. It was a really beautiful moment in there where she speaks about how her ex-boyfriend cheated on her and how she's really gutted. You're such a cold-hearted beast of a man.

She was really beautiful on this date. All I heard was beast of a man. that was a nice part by the way it was a really nice part but the reason why it's coming across a little bit contrived and that's not to say that is it all but it's because we haven't really seen them spend any quality time together and i think it comes back to this whole thing where we don't know enough about the girls that any of the connections aren't feeling real because we're splitting our time watching three different bachelors three different love stories we don't know any one person well enough that no it's how are we so close to the end we don't know who's

gonna win i guess that's a double-edged sword of having three bachelors everyone's time is so way for thin on screen that we're left being like i'm trying to be invested in all these characters but there's just not enough time to know who all these people are the big thing about this single date is that thomas he says to leah i'm falling for you is that breaking like a bachelor cardinal sin like you told as the bachelor whatever you do just like don't tell one of the girls that you're falling for them normally you try and you put your foot on the brake a little bit and you just try and string them along a bit more yeah fuck with their emotions exactly keep them all guessing you get it yeah you know and when they say they love you just sit there and stare at them blankly but i wonder

why yeah i wonder why he wasn't sitting back maybe she wasn't giving him much and there wasn't really much to talk about i know i've been very pessimistic about this episode and every day i'm like i'm not feeling not feeling it you have not felt a single thing in this episode i didn't feel any of the dates and i don't feel it between leah and thomas i'm being honest they literally are sitting in a hot tub together telling each other that they're falling in love with each other and you're like i'm not feeling it yeah yeah pretty much yeah well it's very much very you're very cynical you're a cynical cranky old man he said he said i'm falling i'm falling like oh and and he was slipping he was like help please get me up i've really hurt my hip because he is our

geriatric bachelor so that date ends they go on to a group date that is down at the beach they have a weird beach date where they're all kind of frolicking in the water it's lovely also you know we talked about jed and the fact that he never puts shorts on he did say he fucking hates the beach and hates sand though so who knows i feel like he hates every single freaking date they put them on hey Jed can you just send us a photo of your legs to prove that you don't have an offensive tattoo yeah because I did say on the last episode that we did uh like just slide in my dms if you know Jed I just want to know no one did there was a part on the group date where Bella Bell would is it Bell yeah I don't know about Bella Bell girl with tats she's like oh show me your

tats and he was like oh no I'll show you later and he really freaked out he panicked really yeah yeah yeah yeah i didn't see that i did see him freak out when she was like hey kiss me mate and he didn't want to that was beautiful tv i absolutely love that but it was weird that alicia was like you should just go and ask him for a kiss honey just go and do it do you know why because she was like he's never gonna kiss you she was like he's not my man is not gonna kiss you so you don't need to worry about it this is the incredible cinematic dramatic this is the moment of tv that so many people miss because very few people are watching the bachelor but everyone should have seen i have to say because i'm psyched up and i wanted to say before and

then we got like kindly interrupted i really want to pass you alizia really wants me to kiss you I'm just not ready yet. Angela, I know, I know, and that's fine. I'm just, I'm like, as I said... Can I ask what it is? It's f***ing driving me bananas. Oh, my God. I love watching other people put themselves in really awkward situations.

I just think Bella had been smacking the piss all day. Like, she was just a bit tipsy. She was blind. And she walked in there and she was like, oh, look, you know, they said to lay me cards out on the table. Mate, I just want a pair of shouts. It was the most unromantic asking of a kiss, don't you reckon? It was in front of everyone and she was like,

so what do you fucking reckon, like should we or not? Like at least take him aside, get somewhere private. Like he's not going to pass you in front of everyone because we all know what happened to Felix. Me. Some people have said that, look, if the roles were reversed, we'd all be outraged. Do you think she was out of line by asking him?

I don't think she was out of line by asking him. I think the thing is, she is there at number four. There's only four girls left at this point in time. Normally on The Bachelor, if you're there at the end, like he's proposing in two weeks. Like I get why she's like, hey, in her mind, she's like, if you kissing me is totally off the cards. Like if you have no intention of kissing me because you're not there yet, then I'm not going to be at a point where I need to get married to you in like two weeks time. So maybe just get clear with how you feel about me and then we can fucking move on. I don't think she communicated it in the best way but I do I think they were she had 14 vodka cruisers

and she had a dart in one hand she's like hey what are you what are you fucking wrecking come here love give us one and Jed's like look security pushing like reaching for his pepper spray but I think they tried to make it with the music and stuff they tried to make it more like almost like more like she was forcing herself she didn't do anything she wasn't forcing herself on him she wasn't like making him feel overly uncomfortable she just explained what she wanted and he had the opportunity to say no and he was like no I don't want it and I'm not going to do something I don't feel comfortable with and her response was of course oh my god I never would want to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable so I think the little bits of

outrage that I have heard on or seen on social media kind of feels like a weird gotcha moment kind of feels like people being like aha see when women do it they don't hold them to account but Men can't do that. And it's like, well, fuck, she didn't do anything wrong. Like, that's stupid. That's how I feel. Well explained, Laura. Can I let you in on a little secret, behind-the-scenes secret,

as I was once a bachelor many, many years ago? Oh, yeah. A little bit of code here for you, Laura. If ever, let's say, things go south between you and me, you get chosen as the bachelorette, just hypothetical. I'm keeping the Omnilux mask. If you're ever in an awkward situation or you're about to enter into an awkward situation, you go, hang on one second,

I'm just going to run to the toilet really quickly because that's how Jed got out of it. He's like, I'm just going to run to the toilet. And another awkward conversation that was being had at the same group date was between Lou and Thomas. And he also ran to the toilet beforehand. Yeah. Anyway, I feel like we can wrap this because not a lot.

I feel like I was dropping an absolute truth bomb just now and Laura's like, moving on. That's it. You think that that's literally how people get through life. Sorry, I'm not enjoying this conversation. I've got to go to the toilet. I've been holding on to that for so long. That's not a bachelor secret.

That's a how to get out of any awkward situation ever secret. I was like, wait till Laura hears this. So Lou goes home because she gets friend zoned. And in honesty, I think this episode, Matt, we've lost Matt, so I'll keep going. I think this episode was a slightly more boring one. Not a lot happened. Harder to unpack because it just didn't have the spices,

the drama, drama, drama. But episode eight's coming and things really get a bit fucking fiery. It's episode nine, for the record. Episode nine's coming and things get a bit fucking fiery. Thank God I'm here to keep this train on track. We forgot one thing. Of what? Lou went home.

Who is Lou? We're not quite sure. But it is episode nine and holy dick, it gets good. It's a good one. Would you not agree? holy dick i'm in shock i've never heard you say holy dick before well i've never watched an episode like episode 9 of 2023 bachelor can we just say there were some freaking spanners in this episode a fan favorite went home felix's redemption arc is in full swing okay i said it

on last week's episode i'm gonna say it again i genuinely think crystal wins i think it's crystal No, hang on. She's coming up from behind. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We will get into it, but right before. Who cares about the rest of the episode? Because I think Crystal wins. I think Crystal wins.

What's going to happen when she wins? Right before they were deciding who goes home, you were like, oh, shit, Crystal goes home. There she is. But she didn't, so I'm still fucking right. And now you're like, I knew it. I was always right all along. Crystal is going to win.

I think she's going to win. You flip-flop all the time. No, but no one who listens to this podcast knows that. I just flip-flop on the couch. And then on the podcast, you're like, I always knew what was happening. I love when Osher comes in and he has like a bit of bro time with The Bachelors. Like he's come up to Q1 and he's like, oh, for God's sake, I've got to speak to these motherfuckers.

And everyone's going, hey, guys, how are things? And as soon as they start talking, you can just tell Osher's like, oh, I just want to go home and see my wife and kid. all right well Thomas has realized at this point in time that he's on The Bachelor and he's forming connections with multiple women but it does seem like he's getting confused between his connections with his women and Felix's polyamory it's not easy like I'm in love with multiple women and every night I'm struggling to go to sleep like I keep thinking about all the things that I love about these women and who I see myself with and the reality is that I see myself with

multiple women and then matt you come off the back of that and be like turns out thomas is into polyamory too all right good to know i've got room to move in this episode laura's like you will breathe twice and you will laugh and you will say these exact five words matt can you just do it no no i do not want to i'm not some fucking puppet that you can just Make dance whenever you want. Can you just say, seems like Thomas is into polyamory too. Well, it seems like Thomas is into polyamory too. Hanging out with Jess too long.

Fuck you. Good job, honey. That was great. Thanks, honey. You did a really good job. Okay. What's my next joke? and i love how after two and a half minutes osha's just like i cannot take another second of talking

to these guys i'm getting the hell out of here i feel like osha he walks out of there or every time he sits down with the the boys he's like oh you're all fucked this is a lost cause oh he even was like i have a wife and a beautiful child that i wake up next to my beautiful wife every day and you guys are cooked and he leaves them there miserable crying and they're like osha and he's like shut up don't call me we're not friends i'm unfollowing you on instagram okay so after uh the beautiful bro down between osha and the three bachelors the very first single date off the rank is thomas and lauren you're gonna say they have no connection and no chemistry i know i know where this is going okay i know that i'm sounding

like a broken record right now i just there was nothing there there was nothing there i want to love Thomas. I do. He's gorgeous. He's got a great physique. He's Italian. Oh, what's not to love? Australian, one might say. There's no substance to his dates. There's just nothing there. He's like, do you like drinks? And she's like, kinda. And he's like, well, can I make you one? And she goes, sure. That's it. I mean, he's hot and he likes spicy margaritas. That's more than what most of the men I've dated in the past could bring to the relationship. Lauren, I don't never think Lauren's into it I disagree I think that they're both very into each other I do I think that they are beautiful do they have great chemistry to watch on tv no it's a bit of a boring

date but I still think as people they're into each other I just think to watch the date play out they're about as interesting together as a ham sandwich but that's also because I think they're hiding the connection so when I say well when I say that I think that they're as boring as a ham sandwich it's not because i think they are as people i think they're great as people i think that the producers are editing the date to seem boring so that we don't think it's her i think she could be the end no but the show's about to end in like three episodes like you got to give us something because there's no time left it's about to end you sound so angry like how are you gonna leave it for it's like the final episode and then she goes oh by the way i really love you

that's what's gonna happen this season that is literally what is happening it's like nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing and all of a sudden three of them are going to propose that's why everyone is so confused i'm going to i'm going to speak on behalf of our listeners and say that i feel collectively we all get each other we're on the same page of the three bachelors i'm least invested in thomas's love story that is not how i think the majority ladies are you with me thank you very much there you have it all right i would like to do a poll i would love to do a hole to find out whose love story everyone is most invested in and i think now jeds it's it's jeds everyone's most felix felix felix felix i love it's just matt on all alone on a hill with

a flag felix i feel like no i feel like it's working i feel like people are warming to him let's talk about a single date because he takes tilly and it's it's a big surprise because based on previous dates based on any interaction that they're just all over each other and so you're getting ready you know i was there i was like maybe you were ready matt was like oh it's till the town yeah i was like cigarette in hand and i was like this better be good give it to the kids and then nothing nothing but i had a theory something has happened something has gone down in the tilly and felix camp why do you think that because on the very last episode they had their single day they were all over well maybe it was a one foot whatever it was a couple it was recently

the pool day they had their pool date they were hot and heavy and steamy then they had the group date where they sat down together and he was like don't ever stop running towards me don't ever stop being expressive towards me and then on the very next date he's like hey you need to stop being expressive towards me and you need to talk about your feelings so i think there's been something that's happened that we just haven't seen there's more to their story and we're not getting it but then why would they not tell us we need to know because i think that there's too much like there's too many storylines happening in one go there's too much for them to fit into an episode so big parts of people's storyline are getting missed and getting left out but anyway look Felix has

had a complete change of heart on Tilly he knows that they have amazing sexual chemistry we've all seen it we all know it but he thinks that they don't have anything deeper they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't what was it what was the um on the date when they went to the Cabaret Theatre together, this is like three episodes ago, and they talked about brunch. Going for dinners, like dinners and lunch. They're like, do you like brunch or dinner? And that was as deep as they could get.

Oh, I guess he has come off the back of the crazy cat lady revealing that she's scared of tomato sauce. And he's like, Tilly, what have you got? And she's like, just kiss me. He's like, what are your fears? What are your greatest fears? Because Abigail's afraid of fucking ketchup. She's opened up to me and you're giving me nothing.

Poor Tilly. The whole thing was very confusing. He doesn't even want to touch her at all. But now I think he's giving her mixed signals. I think it's unfair. I think it's unfair to go from being like, this is how we express ourselves. Don't attack. No, you're attacking Felix.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. It's unfair that he's gone so from like, oh, yeah, we're so physical touch and then turned around and being like, don't touch me. Talk to me. Have a connection with me. There's just so much pressure.

Just shut up and kiss me. All right. Sorry. I'll continue. You need to lay off Felix. I don't want to kiss Felix. One second you're like, it's all editing. And next thing you're like, Felix, you idiot.

Give us more information and tell us why. All right. Okay. So Felix and Tilly, they are on a downward spiral, but we have Thomas and who, oh no, Thomas, we already did him. It's Jed. Who's the other one? Jed is the drummer.

And this is, I know the last few dates I've said, I'm not feeling it. I felt this one. Where did you feel it? I felt it in my loins. How did it make you feel? It was good. It was just a beautiful date. Alicia, I think that's how you say her name.

Their connection, man, that's thick. I can smell it. It's pungent. There it is. That's disgusting. You've got issues. It's nicer, right? It's delightful.

They have to be the ones at the end, right? That's such an obvious. Like there's no one else. We talked about the cardinal rule of the bachelor not opening up to the women on the dates. And I think Jed has just totally crossed that line. He's like, I miss you so much. i'm falling in love with you i just want to be with you they've kind of given up on jet on trying to hide it they're like oh we'll just give them one storyline alicia is so obvious here here she

is right that's i mean it can't be anybody else and oh my god oh my god imagine if they fuck us with the finale no imagine no oh my god we will riot we will riot for alicia one thing though is that i think jed gets a bit stitched up on these dates so every single day because like they like to tell you every year that the bachelor is the one who organizes the dates right it's the bachelor who's organized like production just pays for it but the bachelor comes up if the bachelor organizes the date why has every single date that Jed's been on been something that he fucking hates or he's scared of he's afraid of heights he's afraid of roller coasters he's literally afraid of everything I'm scared of heights I'm not terrified at all Jed is just

afraid of heights he's afraid of roller coasters he's afraid of the ice i don't know he's just afraid do you not think when you hear her say that about jed that maybe he would be better sued with abigail and they could be afraid of things together imagine that high t on the rooftop of the q1 how freaked out would they be they just spend the whole time screaming at each other so after this single date there is possibly the most unnecessary situation one of the weirdest parts of this episode was the group date where the guys were like hey what should we do this afternoon oh i like a barbecue what do you want to do maybe a dinner date and then they're like but how do we tell the girls why did they include that for all of the like how we talked about

earlier how they've had to cut out storylines because there's just not enough time this was the most unnecessary setup for a group date that there ever was they even had to the idea was that the penthouse of q1 looks down to the mansion where the women are staying so they were like we can just we can write a message on cards blade and windows and the women will see it with a telescope but it's almost like they've rented these two properties and that's a selling point they had to get it across and they're like it's really close within viewing distance you've gone back to that whole lux listings thing i'm so confused as to why they didn't just use those phones that they used in their group dates like a couple episodes ago like four episodes ago they

they would call them or they just rock up why didn't they just rock up they've done that on other dates they've just showed up at their at their house osha never ever tells the girls when he's rocking up he's just like hey i'm here and they're all like in the shower going osha fuck off what are you doing and it's like it's bachelor anything can happen okay so basically what we're saying is they held up these sign it said dinner the girls had to try and uncode it decode it whatever it is showed felix jed and thomas writing out every letter dinner dinner d-i-double-a-o far out why are we doing this anyway in what would come as absolutely no surprise to anyone they all went and had dinner together at the girls house so at the bachelorette mansion imagine if

the women were like nah nah we're good actually like weather's pretty decent we're having a good time at the pool not tonight not and also you know that it's going to end up being a rose ceremony why are they always so shocked every single time because there's a cycle you can't you get it maybe maybe it was a surprise they would have known surely that there was a rose ceremony looming any second and also the fact that they're you know so three people go home on this episode and they're also shocked that three people but actually it's just one person because it's one person from each person who's dating someone so Jed loses a girl Felix is the girl Thomas it's just it's just one person really in the grand scheme of things well one thing they did do on

this dinner date they played something which do you know what I think it's something that a lot of people would do on like a tinder date or something no I feel like a lot of people would do this when they're 14 they play a good game of never have I ever the grown adults looking for love they're about to propose and how do they decide who's got a better connection never have i ever had anal sex i really know okay all right i would have been into that no uh what was the question how i've never never have i ever cheated uh cheated uh being cheated on i don't know i don't know if i have been i'm sure i have never have i ever pretended to be someone i'm not to impress a person all the time who are you pretending to be it all started i must have

in grade four and i would have time for this sorry at the time everybody loved hansen i fucking loved hansen jess who i had a big crush on was a huge hansen fan and i had to listen to them and i thought nah not for me and i had to be like oh i love mbop yeah that's the best song ever because Jess loved them so much. I hated them, but I pretended. Have you really hung on to that, haven't you? Oh, yeah, I always think back to that. Maddie J when I was nine.

I don't think any girl, like girls loved Hanson because they loved the idea of being with Hanson as like a 12-year-old. But nobody loved Hanson in the hope that their boyfriends liked Hanson. No, it's the common ground, Laura. The common ground is what you're searching for. And if we have the same passion, you're in. Well, speaking of common ground, I once pretended that I was into meditation, just so a guy would like me.

Who, weird, Thomas? You dated Thomas, didn't you? I told you, I've dated half of Sydney. Is Thomas from Sydney? Oh, he's from Bondi. I probably did date him. I've just forgotten. I pretended that I was into meditation that I journaled and I have never journaled in

my entire life. It was not an easy lie to maintain. Did it get you sex? No, yeah, but it was bad. Was he ever like, can I read your journal? Is that a thing? Do people share journals? No, but I do remember him asking me what sort of journaling I did

and I was like, I just write about my day. Okay, look, the things we do. The things we do when we're searching for love. Love makes you do crazy things. I couldn't agree more. In the pursuit. Just when I thought, I thought the storyline, one that we've heard far too often, it's getting a little bit exhausted,

but it's reared its head again, the polyamory. polyamory's back jess she's and you know what kudos to jess for laying it on the table and not sugarcoating what it is that she wants okay she's confused she doesn't know what she wants but even though she's confused she still lays on the table how confusing it is for everyone i find it quite arrogant in a way and people are like good on you for just being honest but i don't know there's something about it that i'm like that's just it is so honest to the point where i think crystal asked her like if you end up you know winning this thing and you know down the track you get a bit bored you want to meet someone will you do that and she's like yeah probably I just asked my

partner if I can go off and meet someone and have sex with them I get that that's what a polyamorous relationship is but she's just so like blasé with it all yeah I think the thing that's like the real red flag here and I do hope that Felix sees it there's nothing wrong with wanting to be in an open relationship but there is when the person that you're being in a relationship with does not want to be in an open relationship and the big part of this that I was like oh that's never going to work out was when Jess said that she wants to come out of this experiment with Felix she wants to be monogamous with him but she doesn't know if she wants to be monogamous with him forever so she wants the option to be able to be open in the future and that's something that

he's been really clear that he doesn't want so to me it almost feels a little bit like Jess will compromise on monogamy in the short term in order to win but then doesn't want to compromise on like what actually makes them suitable as a long-term couple you're so smart I love it but at this point I will say you were wrong because at this point you thought there was a bit of tension between Crystal and Felix because a lot of the prodding was being done by Crystal which was which was funny right because I think Crystal's just very direct and I sometimes get a little bit of push and pull between crystal and felix like i feel like crystal asked the hard questions and felix answers them sometimes in quite a direct way and i was like oh here's the

tension it's obviously crystal going home however i am gonna say what i said on last week's episode i'm gonna say it again i think that they have hidden so much of crystal's story there is no way in hell that they only made out on that 20 minute body painting date and they've never made out since. Could you imagine if Crystal had gotten to this point in this experience and she had not kissed the guy, we would have heard of it. She would have said it in a box here in an interview, like how come we were so intimate in the beginning and now nothing's happened. Like we are missing so much of their story and I want answers. I want accountability. I want to know what happened. Can we get Crystal on? I know we talked about. No, we're not doing any interviews.

Okay. Okay. All right. I don't have it in me. I like that you thought about it long and hard before you gave me a direct answer. I did not have it in me for interviews this season. If you really want an interview, like, you're going to have to badger me. Like, not just you, but, like, the people. Badger me about it and then I'll think about it. But I just don't think I have it in me right now. You've almost been a little bit British there as well.

You've got to badger me, yeah? The people, you've got to come for me, mate. You do have a very good English accent. Thank you very much. What kind of English? I'm sure anyone who's English right now is like, what the hell was that? And you're like, that was brilliant.

Bravo. Okay. So this date takes a bit of a turn. This group, this lovely group date. Everyone's lovely, getting along, drinking out of beautiful cocktail glasses. Great cocktail glasses. Fantastic. Wouldn't like to know where they're from.

Didn't you almost buy them? Very expensive. No, I didn't. I thought we looked at them. Probably from Amazon. I think, no, no, they're really expensive. Are they? Yeah, like a hundred bucks a glass.

That is a lot of money for a champagne glass. I mean, a cocktail glass. Rich coming from someone who spends $5,000 on an LED face mask. It wasn't $5,000. Okay. So Osher walks in and he's like, dum, dum, dum. Yo, three of you bitches are going home. He did say that.

They all like start screaming and then someone sets the wall on fire. They start smashing glasses. Yeah, yeah. A chair ends up in the river in front of the Batch Mansion. The police come. They all get arrested. It's just like far out. And then Thomas grabs his crystal and fights the police with a crystal,

which is very unlike Thomas. No, no. But, I mean, it has healing properties so the police officer recovers very quickly and it is all fine. All forgiven. So three people go home. It's all very suspense-filled. I was a little bit worried there for a minute.

I thought Crystal was going home. Well, let's start with Jed. Let's start with Jed. Jed sends home Bella. Which was obviously going to happen. The girl who didn't get the kiss on the group date. Yeah, he sends Bella home. And it was really sweet.

I think that this was one of the most beautiful exits that I've seen in a Bachelor. Never let anyone change who you are. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you should be silent Don't ever listen to them be you please just don't ever change for anyone I won't and don't be sorry because you know what like there's nothing that I would change through this entire experience That could I can't make you love me and that's fine And I know in some capacity, I know you care about me and I care about you. We're going to be friends and maybe we'll start a country and western band. Can we please do that?

And we've always got our city back to where it is. Thomas is up next and he is also in emotional turmoil over who he should give a rose to. Kiki, who he seems to have a very deep connection with, or Jasmine, who he barely knows. It's very hard for him. We all know it's going to be Jasmine. Surprisingly, he gives the rose to Kiki, or unsurprisingly, Kiki, and then Jasmine goes. But Jasmine is, she's actually really upset. I do feel for the girl.

I think she had much stronger feelings for him than what had ever developed for him. Why? She started seeing him like three days ago. It doesn't make any sense. Love knows no bounds. All right. The real big cliffhanger, Laura Byrne. What you've all been waiting for.

What the hell is going to happen next? Nobody knows. Or do they? You don't, you don't, you didn't know. Okay. For a minute there, I was a bit concerned. The editing got me good. You were like, I told you, Crystal's coming home.

I knew it. I knew it. It was obvious. No, she's going to win. She's going to be there right to the end. I did not see Tilly going home. Who did he pick first? Jess.

Jess. Polly Amory. She literally sat there and said, we have nothing in common and want completely different things. And he was like, Jess, here's your rose. Actually, he can't even, every time he's kissed Jess on camera, she's like, I don't know about this demo's gonna be angry at me right jess should have gone home yeah she should have gone home felix man what are you doing well you know what i feel like abigail's the only person

making sense in this whole thing if felix wants a monogamous relationship then jessica navin should go home how is abigail still there how is the crazy cat lady who is petrified of tomato sauce still in the mix it's an absolute mystery to everyone because i think she's fucking great i'm here for abigail i'm here for crazy cat lady i am still so shocked that tilly went home i think the bait and switch it oh they got us good if that had happened say like four years ago on bachelor primetime people would be punky would have been there with the recaps it would have been a whole thing but hardly anyone's seen it so no one cares as much as we do but i care in my soul no i feel like the listeners they care do we care yeah we all care tilly we're here and we care

maybe we could get her on the podcast no we're not doing interviews all right i thought i'd suggest it test the waters see how you're feeling that's fine and that is pretty much it did anything else happen that is no that is it that is it we we now have three episodes remaining so uh you know what we could do now laura go to bed have some you know sleep a tab Cuddling time, if you know what I'm saying Have a shower and go to sleep All this talk of Tilly is making me a little bit horny Really?

No, not really That was weird Let's go to bed That's going to be a Daily Mail quote right there No, no Daddy Jay horny for Tilly Oh, well, she's still single apparently We could re-watch episode six and then head to bed

I do not want to watch any more Bachelor tonight Just think about it A little bit of fun, you and me tilly in the mix and on that note if you're still with us thank you for listening to another episode of batch on cart we really need to go to bed now this one has been a hard and long one not like anything that you have to contribute to the conversation many days do not get me started all right well if you have enjoyed the episodes you guys know the drill please go subscribe on apple podcast wherever you listen to your podcast leave a review tell your friends share the shit

out of it how does it go you know the drill you need to stop flirting with me laura uh tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog and your friends and your cousin and your uncle and your sister and your brother and brit's gonna get angry at me for going rogue on this stuff and share the love because we love love that was a nice time for me thank you We'll be right back.