Life Uncut - BACH UNCUT - Inspiration, energy & orgasms

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

Bust out the gins, and enough cucumber to make a salad! Channel 10 have done the dirty and dropped 4 episodes this week. F O U R!!There aren't enough cucumbers in the world to get us through this. Now Laura and Matty J had a holiday planned and so this episode unpacks episodes 4, 5 and 6! Episode 7 and all of its glory will be dropped in a bonus episode later this week. So, where to begin? Well, there's eye waxing, wet and wild women, drum sticks, a mass walk out, Matt cries, and Laura forgets she is recapping the bachelor and tells us all how she was hit on in the sauna the other day. The rest of the episodes can be summarised in one word; polyamory.Polyamory, polyamory, polyamory. Strap on in for the chaotic retelling of eps 4,5 & 6 If you loved this episode we would love it if you would take 30 seconds to leave a review, or go and follow @lifeuncutpodcast for more of the action. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land of the Eora Nation and also on Bundjalung country. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Not Life Uncut. It is Thatch Uncut, and I am Laura Byrne. I am Laura's husband.

My name is Matty J. Why did I just say I'm Laura Byrne? Like, I had to introduce my whole name just to really drive it home. I haven't changed my name. A lot of people who may be joining us for the very first time who don't know who you are or who I am. Well, I'm glad that we've got that solved. Is it weird that, do you ever call me your husband?

Yeah. Like, I mean, I've transitioned from my partner to my husband, although I did get around for a week last week without wearing my wedding rings because they were giving me dermatitis and- How convenient. I got hit on in the sauna. It's, no? Okay.

No, go on. No, I'm just annoyed because I was at the front of the sauna being like, where the hell is Laura? Because we were late picking up the kids. And I'm like, I don't – get hit on fire, but make it quick. To be fair, it wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. I just wanted to sit in the sauna in peace, and this person came

and sat very close and they wanted to know my life story. And then you were at the front of the sauna. I know, I know, and they're pointing at my wristwatch going, Ora! Here I am. Look at the time! The kids! Just to set what actually happened is, I was in the sauna,

this man sat down next to me, and then he started making small talk. He was being polite. He didn't do anything that was, like, untoward. He didn't ask me out on a date, but it was, like, the beginnings of flirtation. What was he wearing? DTs? He was wearing, yeah, Speedos.

Oh, good body? But he was in perfect shape. But I'm having this conversation with him, and I was trying to find the right opportunity to slip into the conversation that I had a husband and two children and then all of a sudden Matt walks in front of the windows of the sauna. Like face against the glass, trying to peer in to see where you are

because it's very dark in the sauna. You can't see where people are. And also it's quite foggy. And so there's Matt with his face up against the window and he's just looking at me, pointing at his watch like, look at the time. And so, yeah, that was it. That's the first time I've been hit on.

Sorry. In years. Years, Matthew. Apologies for cramping your style in there. But good on him for flirting with you in the sauna. I can only imagine how sweaty you would have been. Peak sweatiness. You won't even look at me if I'm unshowered.

If you can't have me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best, Matthew Johnson. Go back in the sauna then. You can come with me. Look, hang on. I've got to confess. It's not a competition. To the fact that I've also had multiple women. How often do you get hit on?

because like truly I know that I'm bringing this up and we're having a joke about it but I reckon genuinely that's the only time I've been hit on in the last year yeah I mean like when I say last year I don't mean like 20 days I mean in the last year look it doesn't happen often most women come up to me and say I love Laura the podcast is great and your kids are gorgeous and I'm like you want some though no you don't i know i don't say that i did on sunday just go and have a lady come up to me and pretty sure she was hitting on me oh how did that go for you very awkward what happened so awkward i was at the bar was it awkward when you told her that you had two children and you were in a relationship well do you know it's it's one of those things when someone is in the

beginning phases of hitting on you like they're not really hitting on you they're just being friendly and you don't want to be presumptuous because you don't want to be the person who's like oh this person's being nice are they flirting with me it's like someone goes hey how are you and you go excuse me i'm married how dare you you're not gonna be that dick do you oh no i want you to be that dick i was at the bar waiting for the bartender i was looking at a photo on my phone of the kids like our kids plus nieces and nephews lots of kids oh all the children yeah just a phone just full of kids we have 24 of them there was literally there was so many kids in the one shot And then she came up to me and said, what are you doing?

And it was just, it was a weird moment where I had the photo of the kids on my phone. And that's also a weird thing to just approach someone when they're on their phone, probably ordering a drink and then saying, what are you doing? Unless she was like, what are you actually doing? Looking at a photo of kids at the bar. But I was kind of like, oh, you know, just having a drink. And then she said, what do you do for work? And you were like, I drink gin and I unpack the bachelor.

Have you not been listening? At midnight when our children are asleep. That's what I do. No, I said, I think I said a bit of this, bit of that. And she looked really confused. Oh, that's ambiguous. Yeah, and I was like, oh, so mysterious. And then in my head, I was like, just tell her what you've been doing.

And for those who aren't familiar, I've been filling in doing the weather on weekend today. So I answered the question with, I'm a weatherman. And she looked so confused. You've done the weather three times. And well, technically, I am a weatherman. okay how does the actual regular weatherman feel about you saying that you're the weatherman well i'm not saying it to everyone okay i'm not like i'm ordering a coffee and going by the way top of 24 today it's you know it never happens i just let me have i can drop it once okay yes yes and

what was her reaction at that time and also do you think she was hitting on you or was she just being polite uh i don't know can't tell can't tell she did say you guys always get it wrong and then she walked away uh safe to say uh i think i've still got it laura burn well that's you and me put it there pal last week you all joined the turbulent ride that was uh you and i unpacking three episodes of the bachelor yeah and this week this week we thought we were unpacking three episodes of the bachelor and then because no yeah because someone mentioned it in life uncut they're like there's four episodes this week and i was like shut up yeah they can't do they can't have 14 hours of the bachelor on one week of episode no no there was four episodes what are

they doing we were up to 3 a.m in the morning getting last week's episode finished we decided that instead of killing ourselves we're just gonna unpack three episodes and then we're gonna give you a little mini bonus ep with the last episode because jesus christ nobody can unpack that much bachelor just in the same that nobody can watch that much bachelor in one week how many episodes do you think there'll be next week it's the rest of the whole season if it ends next week i mean And surely there's not enough episodes left in the tank to keep on giving these extra episodes. Well, I think it was episode five where Osher came in

and he kept on repeating that we were halfway through the season. So that would suggest to me that there's two more weeks. Yeah, so this one's three episodes. And then we have a mini episode. So this is four, four, five, six. And then seven is a little added bonus, a little cherry on top. And this has been a real journey. We started recording this episode in Sydney.

We're finishing recording this episode in Byron because we're heading away on holidays. It's been a whole thing. And I've got a sore neck. You're going to be okay. I twinged my neck really badly. Should we get into this? My liver is like, where's all this gin coming from?

What the fuck? What is happening? There has been a lot of chatter in the Facebook group. Can we get a sponsor? Probably not. Normally when you have alcohol sponsors come on an episode, it's all about the responsible service of alcohol. And here's you and I, just the drunk parents at 11 o'clock at night.

Cheers, my love. Can we get a cucumber sponsor? Because there is, I'm going to say half a cucumber in my drink right now? So I was making it and then I went on to autopilot and forgot that I was making G&Ts and I thought I was making a salad. There's tomatoes in here as well. The goat's freddo was a weird choice but it kind of works. All right so on today's episode we are unpacking as we said episode four, five and six. And with anyone who may be unfamiliar with what happened in episode one, two and three the big drama is with... Oh no no no let's just you go

back and listen to the episode okay sure we don't have time to recap that show we need the downloads let's recap the recap fuck how long is this episode gonna be if you want to know what happened on the last three episodes what was i thinking go and listen to the other episode okay but we're gonna get into episode number four right now thank you for stuffing me right thank god somebody's gonna hold you back okay this episode kicks off with tash now tash if you can even remember it feels like so long ago now. Tash is apologising to Jessica for outing the fact that she's in a polyamorous relationship with Damien. That feels like that was last month. It was, truly. In Bachelor Times, it probably

happened about three weeks ago. Yes. Because so much, there's been so much content. So she apologises. She doesn't really mean it though. So yesterday, all the girls were attacking me because I revealed to Jed that Jessica's got a boyfriend. I don't feel like I have anything to really apologize for so we come out of the world's worst apology I've ever heard but now Laura it is time for the group dates and the thing about these group dates is that they've all been based around something that's of interest for the bachelors is that what you does that make sense something of interest anyway Felix is going to wet wild because Felix's favorite thing in the world is Wet Women in Bikinis.

Oh, stuck on the Gold Coast at Wet and Wild. Five beautiful women. It's tough hanging out with girls in bikinis all day. I've been through some tough periods of my life and I'd probably put this somewhere near the bottom 700 of those. But it's a beautiful day. Right now he's staring at all the girls in bikinis and those girls aren't even the ones that are on the group date.

They're just random girls at Wet and Wild. Everyone's like, producers are like Felix. Girls are over here on the right side. He's like, oh, give me more. Then we leave wet and wild and we go to Thomas' date. And Thomas is doing something that represents who he is. So, of course, he is on a wellness retreat. Of course he bloody is, isn't he?

And what way to better get to know someone than to say absolutely nothing and stare into their eyes? I find these types of activities just so woo-woo. You are not open and willing enough. I'm very open, thank you very much. I remember when we tried to do the intimacy challenge. And I loved it. And stare into each other.

And you got the giggles and couldn't stare into my eyes. You don't even know who I am. It revealed so much of you that I didn't even know was there. You were like an onion and I was peeling off layers. You don't know who I am in my soul. Oh, I'm looking at it right now. Who am I? It's beautiful.

These activities, come on, admit they're just stupid. I think that you and I, unfortunately for us, we rate very low down when it comes to like wellness and meditation and stuff we don't have a lot of like bandwidth for it whereas for somebody who is very much into meditation and into like soul connection and those conversations they would get a lot out of this date and clearly didn't have to say one single word to Kiki because he got a lot out of the date you just show unconditional love to the people around you planet like literally everything it's just amazing to be in your presence and then at one point I also saw a little bit of pain

that I think made you who you are today um and and yeah you should be so proud of yourself you know you're like the most one of the most amazing humans I've met do you know who else was feeling a bit of pain the poor other girls on the group date because they have to sit there staring at each other while kiki and thomas get all the attention yeah that's a bad call that's not really a group it's not a group date activity is it that's a single date activity you'd be like what the fuck am i doing here why are the other girls sitting there staring into each other's eyes yeah they're gonna start dating what's like what thomas what are you thinking mate yeah they got the short straw that was very i reckon i'm gonna call it now we're almost halfway through the

series i reckon it's kiki i reckon she's getting it i feel like he is into her but what about leah let's not forget that he cried when he had the speed date but she's had no fucking time no i forgot the leah even exists is leah still there no she left she didn't really okay let's talk about jed all right jed i forgot what jed did what did jed so jed went to the versace and you were like oh my god this place is crazy there's a versace hotel and i don't sound like that you did you did i was like are you okay laura but i was like we should go there this is great advertising i've actually never been there no i just saw like from the very first couple of shots i was like wow this looks very versace-esque and then you looked at me like i was like i was just

woken up from a coma yeah i was like you were like it is the versace hotel sorry for being so uncultured such an uncultured swine well i've always known such a sweaty potato you i mean your words not mine but i've always learned about the versace in queensland i feel like it's a it's a thing oh i wonder why there's no versace in sydney or melbourne only in the gold coast classy versace it's very gold coast but jed was drinking champagne and he was having a pamper session so the girls and him were just getting the nails done i feel like that was the world's most boring group date like nothing happened that's kind of like a mini cocktail party sitting around talking and drinking wine that's a cocktail party not a group date well i thought that jasmine was going

to do pretty well they had a really good speed date that they had the yoga thing but obviously there's been the drama that's happening with the women the only fans account kind of came out revealed by tash yes yes so jasmine sits down with jed and she's like hey i've got to tell you something ready this is big they spice it up it's going to be a big reveal she drops a bomb and she goes i had an only fans account and to be fair jed responds to that in the only like reasonable and acceptable way to respond to it. It was such a non-event. Yeah, he was like, oh, that's fine.

It's almost as if she just woke up and said, I like eating carrots for lunch. Although I think that that would be weirder if that was the thing that she pulled him aside for. I need to tell you something. Are there any carrots here? All sizes, small carrots, big carrots, dirty carrots. You said dirty carrots?

30 carrots. What'd you say? I said dirty carrots. Dirty carrots. But also 30 carrots if you're really into carrots. Very specific. That's a lot of carrots. All kinds of carrots.

Anyway, so Jasmine's into carrots. Jed doesn't care about the carrots. He just wants to talk about Tash, and that makes Jasmine very, very frustrated. And I think, I think all of a sudden Jasmine's off Jed. Oh, into carrots. I'm sorry. So Jasmine whips out a carrot. Stop.

Starts eating it in front of Jed. It's very confusing. At the Versace Hotel as well. Thank you very much. Okay, I heard a rumour. What? You know that we've seen Jed a few times. Wait, are we starting a rumour right now or is it truth?

Should we put a disclaimer in that we don't know anything and this is probably not fact? Yes, exactly that. Okay, but Manny J's making up stories about people. I read somewhere on the Life Uncut Facebook group. That must be true. Okay, I can't remember who said it, but someone did say it. Apparently the reason why Jed never gets into board shorts

and never gets into any kind of water, he's always wearing pants. It's because he's a vampire. Well, potentially. Potentially. We don't know. We don't know. He does go out in the daylight though. Maybe he's a special kind of vampire.

He apparently has a very offensive tattoo so he will not put shorts on because it offended some of the women apparently. There you go. Do you know what it's of? Not sure. Like, was there any indication? No, sorry. I have no more information.

If you know Jed and you know his tattoo, maybe slide in the DMs. We like a bit of saucy, spicy, true, real facts here. I looked at his Instagram. Couldn't see any leg. No short pics. Oh, yeah. That's incriminating, isn't it? All right.

Well, look. Things to be investigated moving forward. I'm sure that we will absolutely not get to the bottom of it and probably talk about carrots for a bit more. Let's talk about Yuri. Everyone loves Yuri. Oh, she's a fucking queen. I wish she stuck around longer.

I think, Tim, okay, this is very controversial. Can I say this? I just think that Yuri was a bit butthurt. No, she was not butthurt. She was just over the, oh, my God, shut up. That made me so mad at you. Yuri is a fucking queen. How dare you?

I agree. Yuri is the best. Okay, so if you don't know what happened, Yuri is literally the only person who is in felix's group of girls who at this point in time is seeing sense or reason i just feel like this is all of the game for him like i just feel like he's not taking this seriously and that he wants us to be fighting over him okay so yuri is starting to see the real felix and good on her but not everybody is seeing with such clarity felix is hot like he walks in and he's just big and tall And I just think we'd be an absolute power couple.

We absolutely would be. We'd take over the world. Imagine, I just picture us like being hot, having great sex, like all these incredible things. I can see our future so clearly. I really can. And me popping up some beautiful children, big, tall, strapping children. I can see it.

It's there. For the love of God, why doesn't Crystal get a one-on-one date? Crystal is my favourite person there. Best on the show. She is, yeah, best on ground. Is that what it's called? Yeah. What's best on ground mean?

B-O-B. Is that the best player of the match? Well said. Oh, there we go. Oh, I guess that would be man of the match. No. Well, woman of the match. Who cares?

I'd say, yeah, best on ground. Best on ground. Yeah. She is my absolute favourite, but she hasn't had a lot of airtime just yet. But you know what? It's coming. It's coming. Oh, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I was confused at this point. I didn't know if it was like a new group date, but it's a group date extension. It makes it very hard to unpack because on the old bachelor, it used to be formulaic, and I liked that because it was safe. Laura, no, we're intelligent people. No, this is very convoluted and hard. It used to be single date, group date, elimination, or rose ceremony, elimination.

And now it's group date, extended group date, polyamory, swapping partners. Someone goes home, but not everyone. I don't know what's happening. I don't know who I am and I'm very tired and I'm a little bit drunk. Look, it's very inconsistent, but there is one consistency though. And that is that Felix will always make out with Tilly on a group date. Every single group date without fail. And nobody was happy about it.

I want Felix to do that with me. Felix, I'm upset. Felix, I'm upset. so this is the point in the series where felix reaches peak fuck boyery or boy fuckery yeah okay so like he knows that everyone's gonna be annoyed he is well aware that he's not supposed to kiss till he even says oh i shouldn't be doing this because it's gonna make everyone upset so then he goes back into the group setting where all the girls are and he's like what's the problem hey not only does he say what's the problem he then blames them for being annoyed at him he's like

oh no no you don't know how hard it is for me no one's taking my feelings into consideration what this is what he had to say about that they're looking from their perspective and not an ounce of my perspective is taken into this you know hang me in the town square but you're on a show where you're dating one guy so not only is he gaslighting the hell out of the women and i love the fact that i've used gaslighting more in the last half an hour than i have in the last six months sometimes you tell me i'm gaslighting you i know i just say it when i'm losing the argument i'm like you're gaslighting me you do and that is gaslighting you you will literally be losing the argument you'll be like why are you gaslighting me and i'm like fucking just call me felix okay but then

in this argument felix then uses the polyamorous relationship with jess to his defense someone in my group has a boyfriend and i'm not off put by that i am not off put by someone in my group that currently has a boyfriend at home but apparently it's uncomfortable if I kiss someone else that's in my cohort hang on a second Felix I've been doing some detective work and I think you may have been a little upset by it here's a little grab from last week's episode because although we may have been drunk we were paying attention so this is really making you quite uncomfortable it is it is Jessica because to find out that you've hit someone so I sit here and I'm like you idiot like this is just it's just a big shock to the system because you know i was really sort

of warming to you and i i don't like how it you know i've received it from here which isn't your fault just a lot to take in and i just quite yeah i am upset yada yada yada after that felix carries on for a bit longer about how this whole process is so challenging for him and he's having such a hard time with all these beautiful women for the record felix i love you why i except someone's gonna love him at the moment it's just me and tilly you're doing god's work you're doing god's work but then apart from that drama there's another little bit of spicy thoughts and drama that's happening over in the thomas camp jasmine this is this is now turning into maths and i'm fine with that well jasmine is swapping relationships she's decided that she's no

longer team jed and she wants to be team thomas and i think that if you can be like into jed and into thomas then you are somebody who truly does not have a time well i think she was never really into jed but i don't know if thomas is into jasmine we will find out but then but then we got to talk about the the big the big news what's the big news kiki oh what happened with kiki i can't even remember we forgot to talk about the fact that kiki has two kids oh she's a mom there's always a mum on the series there is and do you know what it's always the mum that wins yes she won alex alex nation she won it's always the mum the mums have got it did we have a mum on our season no i was like who was the mum there's a mum here there was no mums there was we were the

only season with no mums that's very discriminatory to mums oh no shame i feel sorry for all the mums who applied and didn't get in this is great jeopardy though i'm glad that they didn't get in because they probably would have won because yeah if there was a mum there you would have been in trouble you like kids i do you would have picked the woman with the kids i like mums as well oh here we go okay so will this be enough to derail the thomas and kiki train nah this is the jeopardy that they're trying to like spice in there i'm 100 percent kiki i reckon that thomas is picking kiki i don't even have a debate about it i am signed sealed delivered but i like a bit of jeopardy just sprinkled in there to keep everyone guessing i will give you okay i will

give you fifty dollars if you can tell me the names of the women who went home at the rose ceremony oh make it quick i couldn't even recall their faces okay well can you recall a name give me one name um you can't you can't say yuri because for the record yuri walks oh yuri okay can we just take a moment to appreciate queen yuri though and how wonderful she is and what she does sure she just gives the most backhanded compliment to felix what did she say again she walks in and She says something along the lines of, it's not you, it's me. I was looking for somebody in this experiment or whatever who has qualities that you just don't possess.

And I wish you luck. And then she spat on him, which I thought was a bit much. I wasn't sure if the spitting was necessary. I'm here for the spitting. I think it was fine. But then she smiled and walked out. It was very sassy. Marnie also left.

Marnie went home. No one knows who she is. Someone else went home. And then, to wrap up episode four, Jasmine said no to Jed's rose, but then, get this, she said yes, no. Then Thomas, I'm getting so... I honestly think this episode was the most convoluted episode that there was.

The other ones are so easy because all that happens is polyamory. But this one... Hang on, let me... Okay, I've got this. So she said no to Jed's rose and then, and then, one rose left. Who's going to give it? Thomas, who does he give it to? Jasmine.

Jasmine-y. Do I still win 50 bucks? Not at all. You got nothing right. All right. Time for a drink and episode five coming up next. Thank God we finished that one. Holy.

I'm just so glad that last episode's over. That was. It was a hard one. Hard. It's tricky. You know what else is hard? This episode? What is it?

You were going to say my cock. weren't you that's so guilty got me it's also not it's so not it's not at all it's so far from being hard it's yeah it's pretty flaccid right now it's the saddest flaccidest whoa whoa whoa it's miserable hang on a second it's this is where we get to when it's 11 30 at night and this is the point in the record where all the wheels fall off the wagon maybe flaccid but it's not sad okay i just want to go to show us your wizard sleeve go on what's it looking like yeah i thought so that is getting edited out of the podcast leave it in keisha that is disgusting why not you're getting fucking cancelled pal keisha please remove that i'm very sorry and

i know you're gonna message me and say ha ha can i leave it in and the answer is no i'm happy that that last episode is done yeah look it was a tricky one this episode episode five oh i'm excited about this one big fan episode five why did you like episode five i think this is the episode that really solidifies that jed is my ultimate favorite i love him i cried i cried in this episode you did cry yeah it's because he talked about himself when he was a little kid and as a dad i got your little dad juices flowing he was ready to impregnate me again oh let's get into it okay so we start off this episode in the most spectacular way and that is mark tash and cj just yeet themselves out of the batch mansion they decided do you know

what they did they had a hissy fit that jasmine got the rose they didn't like this is not can i to say this is not what was shown on the show this is laura doing her like two and two to make five so let's we don't know this oh yeah we kind of do because i can't remember who it was that said it one person said it or and they implied it and so then i might be exaggerating but let's just go with it i okay cj and money no so marge tash cj you don't even care let's call it marg was it marge marjorie marjorie is it is it marjorie i wrote down marjorie was that her name I think her name was Marjorie. Was it fucking really?

Yeah, not Margaret. Anyway. Not surprised. Tash, I was very surprised about. Look, truly surprised, but you didn't let me get to my theory. Oh, sorry, go on, go on. That was a dog. That was a dog.

That wasn't Laura. Laura having a shiver. Okay, my theory is this. Marge, Tash and CJ staged an intervention. they were like fuck you you jasmine you can't stay here and if she stays here we're going and the producers were like well that's kind of how the bachelor works now like jasmine gets to stay because she got a rose and they were like no and they probably had a few too many champagnes at this time and they were like well she stays we're leaving and then the morning rolled around

and they were like fuck now we've got to leave the producers are like are you guys gonna pack your bags now they're like your bags your bags are packed for you and the car is downstairs And so then they had to leave and by then they were like, see, we didn't want to be here anyway. And then Osher appears out of nowhere at the batch pad or at the, I don't even know which, there's too many batch pads now. He appears in front of Jed and Thomas to tell them the news that three of the women have just let themselves go.

And I think the guys took it pretty well. They didn't want to say bye. They didn't want to say goodbye. They're actually, you know, they're on their way home right now. Wow. Did they leave a message or anything? No. Okay.

They just chose to leave. I felt sorry for Jed. I really did. And I know that I'm not sorry that Tash is gone because I think she definitely wasn't there for the right reasons. Sorry to be really cliche. But I thought Jed just needed her there to get that little perk up. You just needed a little bit of a boost.

She was a cheerleader for him. Yeah. Okay, but this is going to come as no surprise to anyone because we've all seen the ads. We've all seen the teasers. The what? Well, I mean, by this episode, the ads will be out again. And that is.

Oh, there she is. She's coming back. She's back. We all knew it. She's back. I knew she would. She's not staying away. I reckon as soon as she left, the producers were like,

oh, fuck, get her back. The car was literally just parked around the corner. But they were like, CJ and Marge can stay. Yeah, CJ and Marge are like, can we come back? You shut up and you stay outside. Get back. Tash, come on through. I didn't like, and I just said I didn't like episode four

that there weren't any single dates so i'm very happy that now we're getting back into the single dates because yeah and also group dates when there's so many people and so many things going on and it's just tilly making out with felix that's all that happened all right so heading into single dates single dates we have felix who takes jess on a single date playing basketball of course he bloody is jess has fantastic hair that's what i think every time i see jess she has um milky skin can i say that milky skin is that a compliment milky skin and fantastic hair yeah we'll call her milky from now on i mean i don't know how she's coping on the gold coast there's so much sun she's that must be a bloody nightmare for her spf 50 poor old jess and there

is another nightmare and it's the fact that she's looking to be in a relationship but she's already in a relationship seems very complicated i'm trying i'm trying laura as best as i possibly can to understand what is going on here because she like she's she is polyamorous but she's not in a polyamorous relationship with damien with damo she is in a polyamorous relationship it's just that she's the only one who's able or willing to explore other connections right so damo is like you're a fucking what now so sorry where are you going with your bags packed oh the bachelor that's weird what for and he's like i'll love you anyway i i mean we'll get into it in the next episode there's a lot to unpack there poor demo but as two people who have never been in polyamorous

relationships it's hard for us to comment on how tricky this situation is the only thing that i think that i can comment on in terms of how this is kind of shaping up is the fact that felix has said he wants a monogamous relationship so it seems like fundamentally what they want out of their relationship is not aligned is not aligned so i think like how is it that you can i don't know i feel like felix is so into jess and jess is literally telling him i am not the person for you because i want something completely different to you and felix is like oh well you know what let's let's see if she changes her mind you did say something when we were watching the episode that i thought was very very clever and i don't know if this is maybe something that should be

save episode six save it okay all right keep them guessing build the suspense sorry about that all right so Felix on this date sits down and has a bit of a one-on-one with Jess where they talk about the fact that she's in a polyamorous relationship and Felix is kind of asking Jess in a roundabout way whether it's that she wants to be in an open relationship or whether she's just afraid of commitment. Do you think you have commitment issues? I don't think I have commitment issues. I'm just very cautious and I'm not going to commit until it feels 100% right. How long do you think it usually takes until you can feel? I don't know, maybe like up to three, four months to be honest um but then other people up against it the irony here laura is that felix has never

been in a long-term relationship so who the hell is he to ask these questions do you think that's one of those situations where like like attracts like so he's like i've seen this before you actually have a commitment phobe because i'm a commitment phobe as well yeah we should spend the rest of our lives together and hating it afraid of each other afraid of loving each other that sounds truly complicated enough of Felix and Jess let's get on to Jed and I can't say her name right Alicia hey hey she's not Italian that's Thomas sorry getting confused apologies so Jed and Alicia they actually I mean we'll go into how nice this date was because it was really beautiful but it starts off with Jed saying that he doesn't want people to think that he's just about whacking

drums you know like there's more to him than just smacking things around i want to show her that it's not just me whacking a bunch of stuff so to convince alicia that he's not all about just smashing drums he smashes the drums for the entire date i didn't think laura that i mean he didn't smash the drums for the entire it was like it was a good solid three minute drum solo though laura i don't think anyone out there actually believed that he He played the drums for the entire day. That was it. I feel like –

At least he's like, Jed. Sorry. I used to beatbox in high school, so – Can you do a bit of your beatboxing? It's very good. No, not at all. I'm like the old school Jed. That's why I like him so much.

We get each other. We get beats. We get rhythm. We get the moves. Stop it. I want to say this. On behalf of every girl who's ever dated a musician ever, anyone who's dated a musician has been in a situation

where their love interest has made them listen to them play music and you've had to just sit there and pretend like you've enjoyed it. In Alicia's defence, she seemed like she truly did enjoy it. She did. She did. Maybe they really are the perfect match. I didn't think they had any chemistry whatsoever. However, this date, Jesus.

How do you feel now? Yeah, they're meant to be. this was okay we take the piss a little bit but this turned into honestly one of my favorite parts maybe even one of my favorite parts of bachelors of all time Jed goes into talking about his childhood and how he was really bullied at school very different very feminine yeah he says you know like being someone who is heterosexual but really likes to dress in a feminine way he's never felt like he's been able to fully be himself or express himself and it's just such a beautiful moment to the point where Matt was crying on the couch.

And it was so sweet. But if I see a grown man cry, I'll cry as well. I'll join in. But it was a really vulnerable, very sweet moment. And I really, I really enjoyed seeing that side of Jed. And it was the most honest moment that I've seen from a bachelor in forever. Well, just to give you a little insight into the moment that really sent Matty J off the edge, it is this.

I tell my little self that, you know, you can wear, so you can, I tell myself that you can actually wear an outfit like this and have a beautiful woman that does accept you and you can play the drums. Moving on from Jed, we now have Thomas and Thomas is on a single date with Kiki. Yes. Except dun, dun, dun.

Kiki told us on the last episode that she has children and Felix doesn't want Thomas. I fucking knew you were going to get that wrong. And Thomas. I was like, I didn't blink. May I? Yes. So, Felix.

No, Thomas. Thomas. Thomas wants to have kids. Kiki don't want them anymore. She's got two. Well, she still wants her own. She just doesn't want more. No.

She doesn't want to give those ones back. She's like, you can have mine. Take them. They're yours. she was like i already did it i already have i already made those regrets i don't want to have more of them it would be hard imagine having an 18 and a nine-year-old and your new partner being like let's start a new family oh man she did not look too impressed and not to impress she was trying to answer the question honestly which was like absolutely no i cannot be flying fuck to go

back and have a newborn but also didn't want to be so direct so she was like maybe yeah you could You can see it in her eyes. They should have done that gazing thing where Thomas might have been able to see a bit more and he would have seen the pain and suffering there. Okay, so they go on a single date. Thomas takes her back to his home pad, whatever it is. This was quite the setup. He gives her a little massage.

That's quite a lot for a second date. Is it the first date? Well, it's their first single date. Imagine if I, on our second date, said, Laura, I'm going to massage you. Get naked. But you know those pornos where it starts with a massage and then all of a sudden there's a penis in your mouth? Seen many of those.

It's my favourite kind. I thought that maybe that was going to be the overnight stay, like they were going to get all frisky jiggy with it. Oh, the first time we have sex on The Bachelor. But no, that didn't happen. She was into it though. But we did get my favourite quote, I think, of every single Bachelor that has ever existed and it was this.

Unless it gives me energy, inspiration or orgasm, it doesn't belong in my life. Absolutely. Okay, this is, like I said, my favorite quote that has ever come out of The Bachelor. And I think that this is the energy I'm going to go into 2023 yet. Except instead of that for me, I would like it to be energy, inspiration, orgasm, or a little bit more sleep. If it's not an orgasm, I'd like sleep. But sleep gives you energy, Laura.

Well, there you go. If it doesn't give me energy, inspiration, or an orgasm, or a nap, I don't want it in my life. There you have it. She is 100% going to start a cult after this. Absolutely, it's going to happen. Her and Thomas are going to end up together and they're going to start a fucking cult. And then in like two years time, we'll be recapping the Netflix doco on Kiki and Thomas. Oh, wow.

That'll give them inspiration and energy. Okay. So there's other things that happened in the single dates. We're just going to steamroll straight past that. And we're going to go to the group date. And finally on this group date, this is where Felix's redemption story. This is where his redemption arc has started. He finally goes on a group date and doesn't kiss anyone.

Doesn't. He even goes and frolics in the ocean with Crystal and doesn't kiss her. I wonder how much producers were, like, putting darts with tranquilizer to, like, try and, like, bring down his horniness. They were like, if you do this, all the women will leave and there will be no one left except for Jessica. So he finally controls and contains himself. And instead of kissing anyone, he just goes and frolics in the ocean.

No, because he's so horny, he's like, I can't fucking care. I can't cope anymore. Oh, he just runs into the ocean and he has to try. He doesn't even take his shoes off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just, he needs to do anything to distract himself. From his raging erection. They're having this beautiful lunch and they're like,

where the hell is Felix going? And he's just like, ah. And he just starts jacking off in the ocean. And you're like, well, it's not all bad. And then Crystal, bless her, Crystal follows him into the water. Because she thought he was drowning. So she went in to save him. Bless her cotton socks.

She's a good girl, that Crystal. I like her meanwhile Yuri's on the beach going thank fuck I'm not still on that show Jesus although I do think Crystal was probably she was like do you know what Felix does on group days he kisses someone so she thought she was in for a shot how disappointed would you be if you were Crystal out in the ocean frolicking around and Felix just doesn't kiss you you'd be like what's wrong with me but to be fair literally every single woman who's left has their nose up against the glass being like here it fucking comes okay but the whole point of this group date is so that they can get deeper with each other they can build more of a connection there's a little bit of one

on one time that they seem to have they're peeling off they're having these chats and Naomi and Felix I feel like they went the deepest of all today's all about getting to know each other on a deeper level yeah so I want you to say one thing like not many people know about you um hit me i love dinosaurs ah felix don't we all like dinosaurs marley likes dinosaurs that's why i like him because he's so honest and so raw and in touch with his feelings i'd love to know what kind of dinosaur he likes though is it is it a t-rex maybe you should slide into his dms and ask him no way am i going anywhere near his dms he will try and fuck you yeah i'll be pregnant and you'll be like, what happened?

I'm like, I messaged Felix. God. That's pretty much episode five. There is a rose ceremony. I think the names of the people who go home. It's one single person. Is it? Yeah, Janae.

Who's that? No one knows. We're still at the point of The Bachelor where no one knows. Is that the girl who was on, who's on Mavs? No. Because there is a girl who appears out of thin air and she's actually cast on Mavs. So they've kind of edited her out, but she's still in the show.

It's very confusing. We only found this out from reading the Daily Mail, so it could be incorrect, but you know what? Let's just roll with it and give you bits of incorrect information. So Janae went home. Yeah, Janae went home. And she had my second favourite quote for the season. Can we put the heater on because my nipples are so hard?

I'm about to key the car. All right, guys. Can you bloody believe it? We are at the halfway mark. It feels like yesterday that we released. Not the halfway mark of the episode, though. We're almost finished. could you imagine all my days absolutely okay last week we said please text us if anyone's

made it to this point in the episode and so many of you messaged us but if this was truly the halfway mark i guarantee you no one would be making it to the end but no joe rogan does episodes on podcasts that last for like two hours yeah but people just put it on and don't actually listen right they just come back four days later and he's still speaking do people really listen to what we talk about i feel like we could recap and make up completely false storylines and people wouldn't even blink so at this point in time thomas actually left and he walked out with tash yeah and then osha gets in a helicopter that he stole from production and now osha's on the run no okay episode six this is not even the last episode of the week but it is the last episode

of this recap because we need to go to bed yes but can i just say the best episode of this season episode six well done to production for making one of the most amazingly awkward group dates happen so good so only a select few girls get chosen for the group date and who do they bring along laura their best friend because we all know how important it is as a bachelor to talk with the best friends to get a bit more of an understanding of what kind of person they are and who who does jess bring oh it's so awkward damo she doesn't bring a mom damo she doesn't bring a sister she doesn't bring a cousin she brings her boyfriend can i just say that would have been her call nah nah no way no i disagree 100 i reckon they're paid actors i just think you don't think

it's real i cannot believe how wild this storyline is for it to be reeled i have never known there to be paid actors on The Bachelor. It's obviously reality TV, like, you know, people audition and they have their own crazy life stories. I just think it is so wild to me that she is in a commitment. She's in love with someone. She has a boyfriend and yes, she obviously is open to a polyamorous relationship, but the way and the reason why I think this whole situation is so crazy is because it's no longer a question about polyamory because Jess has said herself that she's going to choose one or the other at the end of this. So basically she came into this experiment with a boyfriend who she loves, but now she's going to decide which person she wants to be with

and only be with one. So it's kind of went from being a polyamorous discussion to being a, who's going to win. My mind is blown. Okay. You think it's fake. It's so wild that you think it's fake. I think it's real, but for the record, production would have said to the contestants and said, you need to put down maybe one or two options for people that we can contact to see if they'll come on this group date jess has put down damo's number and can we just have a moment for bloody damo because what a trooper what an absolute legend he like it doesn't matter what jess is going to drag him into he's going to show up and he is going to do his very very best regardless of how terrible the situation is like jess is like i murdered osher and he's like it's

okay i love you anyway it's fine we'll get through it honey i love you like for example leah brings her sister perfect great looks identical it looks identical but that makes complete sense in what world did jess think that it was going to be a good idea to bring her bloody boyfriend on the group date so jess makes as i said she makes it very clear that even though she is polyamorous she's not after having an open relationship with both guys you've lost me okay well maybe this grab will help you that's the thing like i don't want two partners at the end of this so it would have to be either or not it's it's so hard to say it's when you love someone and you're emotionally connected to them it's so hard to let someone go but like yeah

the thing that's a bit shit about this group date though is that obviously felix has invited multiple women he's invited abigail i can't even remember who else is the crazy cat lady And she's brought the cats with her. Her support person was actually just a cat. The production, like, Abigail, who can we call? And she's like. Minnie. Who's Minnie?

Okay, but there's other women there who were there for Felix, but the entire group date, not only the entire group date, I'm going to say the entire episode, the whole episode, an hour and 25 minutes. You could have trimmed off a good half hour of that episode because all it was was just Felix and Jess. And Duncan, Damien. And Damo.

Damo's just there lurking in the corner. Okay, and I get it. I get that it is a big cliffhanger part of the storyline, but holy dick, they milked it. They milked it so – okay, that was a weird thing to say. Weird choice of words, getting strong visuals here of like Damo milking Felix. Okay, anyway. And Osh is like, keep doing it.

No, stop. It's good for the content. Okay. We need to fill in another 15 minutes here. It went on for a while. Keep going. You should stop. Keep going, Demo, until I say stop.

Please stop. And the cats are like, wee-oo. It was a fucking wild episode, let me tell you. Had it all. Where's Jed and the drums? Oh, mate. Oh, there he is. he brought his band along this whole like this whole situation with jess i have some theories

oh yeah the theory tell us okay so i have a couple of theories i want to i got none preface this by saying once again i've never been in a polyamorous relationship i have nothing against stop saying polyamorous polyamorous polyamorous polyamorous you've never been in one neither of i've never be anyone i've never been in an open relationship i find them really interesting and i absolutely respect that everybody shows up in relationships in very very differently i guess the thing about jess's situation that i find so interesting is that neither of the people that she's in the relationship with are choosing to be in a as in they're not being polyamorous themselves so in damien's side he loves her so much and doesn't want to lose her that he has obviously

become open to her being open and to him standing by her while she figures out what she wants credit to damo yeah he's been this like loving endlessly supportive person now jessica is in a situation where she basically has to hedge her bets she has to decide because felix doesn't want to be in an open relationship he wants monogamy he's made that clear so jessica has to decide whether she wants to be with damien or she wants to be with felix now i kind of get monkey branching vibes from this whole situation and what i mean by that is that it kind of feels like jessica is trying to secure one relationship before she lets go from the other one so she almost wants felix to say this is 100 before she dumps damien because she doesn't want to dump damien for nothing and

that to me i feel could become quite toxic okay is it is it because she'll only end it with damo when she knows that felix is better yeah when she knows that felix is 100 and that is going to happen then she will end it with Damo because she has to but surely at this point they've been together for quite a while haven't they they've not actually specified how long they've been together but surely at this point she would know whether or not it's worth exploring like a committed relationship with Damo right like like why did Felix aside surely she she would understand where she's at with Damo right now he loves her she talks about the fact that she has really strong feelings for him surely she would know well I think that's the big thing right like we all know

that relationships are complicated we all know that if things are not as clear-cut you can be in a relationship with someone for six years and still not be sure about how you feel about them or what you want from them like it can be truly confusing but i think the part of this that makes it more confusing is the fact that neither of them are wanting the same things like no one in that situation not one of them wants the same thing like damien doesn't want to be in an open relationship he just wants to be with jessica jessica wants her cake and wants to eat it too she wants to be in an open relationship but she also desires monogamy in the long term it just feels like they're all in a very confusing part of their relationship journeys which is so fine

but it's crazy to me that it's playing out on reality tv and we're all watching what would normally happen in private and the other part of this that i think is also super interesting is that felix is so into jess this is my favorite part keep going okay this is my other theory so And my other theory is that, yes, we know from episode one that Felix always kind of thought that Jess could be at the end. However, he made that decision based on nothing, based on a 20-minute date where they basically just aesthetically saw each other so she looks like the type of girl

that he would want to be with. Hang on a second. Are you trying to tell me that Felix, our beloved Felix, would only fall in love with Jess purely based on her looks and nothing else? How dare you? Shame on you. Please.

No, what I'm saying is that... It's exactly what happened. I feel like there's now a bit of competition element there. I feel like Felix probably wants Jess even more because she's not the easy person to get. There's a chase there. It's become this like complicated, I want to win. I want her to choose me.

He's an ex-athlete. He's born to compete. I just, and look, this is all me projecting. It might be incorrect. And I'm not saying, obviously, I don't have any more insight into this than anybody else. This is just my feelings watching the show play out. I mean, this is the vibes that I'm getting.

That's all. And can we just take a moment, please, Laura, if we may, to have a moment of silence for Abigail, the cat lady, who seems to be the only person who really understands what the hell is happening right now. Felix is also technically exploring polyamory because he's also dating seven other women. So basically the only person not in a polyamorous relationship is me.

so basically the group date was a great big old waste of time for anybody who wasn't damien jessica or felix or production nobody else even got a single look in but then it goes to the single date time and all of a sudden they're sitting like the women are sitting waiting for the date card to arrive but there's no date card there's no date card on this season just realized there's iphones hidden in the couch and the girls are like oh my god who's ringing and an iphone gets pulled out from between the seat cushions so basically iphones and now the 2023 date cards i'm not gonna lie laura i have no idea where we're currently at stick with me buddy it's fine okay tilly doesn't get a date no she's very upset she fucking she loses it very very upset

clearly tilly was a little bit stressed out about the whole situation she she flipped out and she stormed on right out of there but felix goes on a single date with crystal all they do is talk about jess and the polyamorous relationship that was such a disappointing date i've been waiting so long so patiently we're at the halfway mark and crystal gets a single date no kiss no nothing no kiss no nothing we had more action on this speed date on episode one i know they really baited us on they baited us hard in the beginning and then they've just like hooked us and dragged us along on the beach and the shore that's not fair left us out in the sun to dry it's miserable bloody fair all right so there's other dates that go on if thomas goes on a single date with jasmine

surprised there i didn't think that like i didn't think there was anything i was worth exploring i agree i was seeing nothing last episode but now all of a sudden jasmine's in it to win it and there is another date that gets thrown in the mix there's a fourth bachelor welcome to the fourth bachelor damo please step on up damien calls jessica and they go on a date to have a conversation what would they call it a conscious conversation they speak consciously what is that about they're speaking about their relationship but honestly like we said earlier this entire episode has been it's been the same conversation on repeat as to whether jess is still in love with damien and what's she gonna do and jess has every time you ask jess a question she's like um well i just uh

i don't know just answer it come on because she doesn't know what she wants she's so confused she does know when she saw damo they met each other they embraced they were like oh yes i love you and then like kissing and that embrace was clearly two people who loved each other but then why is she on the show i don't know laura i get it like i understand the want to be with more people but i feel like going on a show where the bachelor is someone who wants to be monogamous we get it we get it it's just i'm so confused i can't let you go down that that no come on okay i'm confused come on i'm so confused you are now doing what the bachelor did to us this is true it's because i've been conditioned five hours of bachelor this week has conditioned me to want to talk

about polyamory we could do an entire episode on jess damo and felix it's truly interesting but we won't we absolutely won't the other part of this that i thought was quite worth noting or something that we thought we should go into a little bit thomas on his date with jasmine it was going really well and things got a little bit steamy i love to give physical touch i love to receive physical touch i'm very big on all of it i love sex yeah very to the point i love to explore i love to have fun and i'm out of service so yeah i can see that i can definitely see that and now it should come as absolutely no surprise to anybody that this episode is rounded out in the way that it started what's it going to be laura oh um let's have a guess um polyamory

it rounds out in the way that it started in the way that it progressed in the way that it continued and in the way that it ended jess is confused and doesn't know what she wants do i choose felix and have this amazing you know potential life with him or do i go back to my comfort zone and back to that amazing incredible man that loves me and to be honest i don't think anybody can answer that question for jess except for jess okay i'm gonna put money on the fact that damo is gonna be there at the finale fuck off could you imagine they'll be like uh we don't actually have jess's family here but we have damo coming back for round two damo's gonna be there for every episode he knows the address he knows where the girls live also what do you think would happen

so just say that jess makes it to the final two so imagine that she makes it to finale and felix doesn't choose her because this is become you know it's it's too hard for him to make a choice around the whole no no imagine this does she then go back to no pause that imagine this imagine that felix says i want to be with you and then she says no i love damo and then damo comes out of the swamp and he's like here i am honey imagine that that could happen i would pay to watch that I freaking hope so. I'm locked in and ready and raring to go. Who went home?

I can't remember. I didn't even write it down. Zara. Ah, Zara. I made that up. Did Angela – I didn't even question it. I was like, she was such a lovely girl. I think it was a two-syllable name.

It may have been Zara. Is Angela still there? She's still there. Haven't heard much about her. Can Angela say a freaking word? Bling twice if you're still in the batch mansion. How devout would you be if you were Angela? She's literally said nothing.

yeah anyway let's go to bed i cannot believe we finished this episode this is only three of the four episodes that has been out this week this has been a mighty fucking effort tomorrow night's episode or tonight's it's wednesday tonight's episode we'll recap that in due course we're on a holiday at the moment we'll probably recap it by friday by the way we're in byron bay yeah we're trying to have a holiday a crap holiday because we're doing this recap which just is never ending no i'm joking i love it i love it it's very lovely can i just say very lovely i'm very flattered that people have been enjoying the content because honestly when we finished recording the last episode laura looked at me with a very concerned look on her face and she went

do you think anyone's gonna listen to that and i was like well i don't know you're like it's your podcast i have no fucking idea but honestly when we said yes to this we thought it was going to be three episodes a week and now it's four episodes a week and if they increase it to five We might just have to pull the pin. There's two weeks left. They can't. They're not going to do that. We've got two more to go.

Two more to go. Can we do it? Three more to go, maybe. Oh, God. Can we do it? Of course we can. I'm scared. Anyway, if you've been loving the episode, we need the encouragement.

Go and leave us a review. Tell us what you think of the batch. Tell us what you think of the apps. We, you know, you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your friends and share the love because we love love. We harmonised just then. Not well.

Good night.