Life Uncut - BACH UNCUT - put a fork in me I'm done

Episode Date: January 29, 2023

Get the kleenexes ready because it’s the finale and the very last episode of Bach Uncut for 2023! Three strapping young men who have spent the last few weeks working their way through a truckload of women (mainly Felix) are left with Lauren, Leah, Abigail, Jess, Alésia and Angela - $50 to anyone who can put a face to each of their names. We don’t want to give away the result but there’s two proposals (only one is successful) the beloved Damien decides to make a return for one last visit - we hope he’s being paid by Channel 10 for this. It’s been an absolute blast recording these eps for you. If you’ve enjoyed listening to our dribble, we’d love it if you left a review! We now return to your usual Life Uncut programming..See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. They're short, stumpy and hairy. How do you feel when you see them? I feel like I'm rubbing my foot against a man's foot.

When we first started dating, I used to shave my toes. Ugh. But I stopped. Why? Why'd you stop? If you're doing the whole leg, just get that extra inch. Oh, but am I doing the whole leg? My ankles haven't been shaved in about five years.

That's when you know you're really comfortable in a relationship, when you stop shaving your big toes. Have you ever plucked your toe hairs? Yes. For what reason? You were going on a date? I was bored. Bored?

It hurts an unreasonable amount to pluck your toe hairs. You know what I've got now? I've got grey hairs on my balls. On your balls? Yeah. Since when? I think like two months ago. Show me.

I'm not going to get, no, they're there. I found my first couple of grey hairs on my head, if that makes you feel any better. What about downstairs? Zero so far, but I'm sure they're coming. Hit me hard, tell you that much. Age. We're just finding out that I've got grey hairs downstairs. That's when you know that it's over.

I mean, like what's over? Life? Yeah. Like you're heading into dying? Well, like the peak has been reached. It's downhill from here. But now you're just a silver fox everywhere. I don't think I'm going to age well.

You have aged progressively great, considering I've seen your photo from when you were 16. Oh, that 16-year-old Maddie J was beautiful. But you are getting hotter with age, not worse with age. No, and I feel like 32 was my good year. Now that I'm 35, ugh. I'm almost 37. Oh, disgusting.

All right, let's do this. Hi guys and welcome back to our very last episode, which some of you might be grateful for of Bach Uncut. Can you just pretend to be a little bit sad, the fact that it's ending? Oh, I'm so sad that it's finished. Don't be sad that it's over. Be happy that it once was. That's not how the saying goes, but sure, sure.

It's a last episode, very emotional, can only imagine what the listeners are going through right now, Laura. I do have a review for you that I read. Can I just say, I know which one you're going to read. It has been lovely, absolutely divine reading all the nice comments. I've enjoyed it a lot, but give me this one. This is my favourite. Her name is Ellie from Jelly.

That's my mum's name. Matt's mum wrote, I can't do it anymore. Oh, my God, I can't listen to Batch Uncut anymore. Way too many in-jokes between Maddie and Laura and silly jokes at that. Thank God the series is almost over. And Ellie from the Jelly, almost over it is. this is our very very last recap so you can go back to normal programming she's she's a bit drunk you can go back to normal programming what happened to me that really got you programming

i can't say valuable there's always one word that'll trip you up ellie's gonna hate that intro chat when she's like i'll give it one last chance and i'm like my ball sack's got gray hairs and she'd be like ah throwing her phone across the room i hadn't really uh i wasn't I'm not sure if I was going to leave that in yet or not, but maybe we will now. Leave it in. Do you know what, though? For the most part, there has been so many kind and supportive

and lovely messages. We've read them all. We have. We have read them all. And we really needed the encouragement because, to be honest, we almost checked out of The Bachelor halfway through. It's been a hard, long slog. Well, only because there's been so many, but we did it.

We watched every single one, and tonight we sat there on the couch and we watched the finale, iPhones in hand. Yay! Cheers, my love. Cheers. Hey, don't you think doing these recaps, it's one of those weird scenarios where it's hard to imagine a time when we weren't recapping The Bachelor, but at the same time, it's gone really quick.

Do you get that? It hasn't gone really quick. It's been three weeks, Matt. You know, but at the same time, I'm trying to remember. When we ever spoke about anything else. Yeah. Yeah. It's all we've got now.

Like The Bachelor is the glue that keeps this relationship together. Osh is still like literally in our lounge room. He's just like, I can't guys keep on going. Love each other. I saw him on Friday. Cute. What did you guys do? Long story.

Let's get into the Bachelor finale. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I know you wanted to keep this one short and sweet. I have to stay up and edit this one tonight. Keisha was like, fuck that. I'm going to bed.

And I'm like, let's go on this tangent. And I'll tell you all about the date that me and Osher had on Friday. But I won't because we will talk about the finale. Can I just say, Osher made very few appearances in the finale. Yeah, it was trimmed back. Usually he's there throughout and he's peppered in. And he was just there at the start, sat down, did a little one-on-one with the guys, and then he was like, sorry, I've got to pin a collada

with my name on it. Well, I think he's got a taste for surfing or something. He was like, swell was pumping, so I was out of there. So he sits down. Do we just do it? Do we get into it? How else do we normally? I don't know.

A bit of foreplay? You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Laura? Jesus, that'll be a first. Want to fuck around for a little bit first? Laura being in the mood for foreplay. I don't know. Was there anything unnecessary and stupid that you wanted to talk about before we start unpacking?

I'm a ball sack. What else do we have to uncover? Do we? No, let's just. Let's just start. Let's just start. All right, all right, all right. So as you all know, if you've been strapping on in for the ride,

three bachelors, we're at the final, and each of them have two girls. Now, Thomas, he's the only one that seems completely convinced about what he's doing. Can I say something really controversial? Oh, go for it. Could have done without Thomas this season. Yeah. He's lovely.

So lovely So lovely Gorgeous Unnecessary Gorgeous Added nothing to the storyline But like I just wanted a bit more

A bit more spice Minimal screen time Yeah Even the producers tried to write him out But they were like Oh we can't write him out entirely They did kind of Because the last episode

With like meeting his mum He was like Nah don't worry about it mum I've got it all sorted You're not going to meet any of the girls We didn't even bother talking about it Because it was such a non-event And Felix and Jed

Took all of the storyline And so, Thomas, we even forgot to recap Thomas. That's how insignificant the part he played in that episode was. He's been pushed out of the season, hasn't he? Except the only thing that they're trying to tease to still have that invested interest in Thomas, is it Thomas? Yes, Thomas. Sorry.

Is the fact that, you know, will he propose? The last little bit of, you know, meat they're trying to dangle in front of us is the proposal. Yes, they're dangling some Italian meat in front of us. and I want some also because his storyline is so obvious it was such an obvious storyline as to how that was going to play out but anyway we're getting ahead of ourselves let's talk about the thing that's different about this season to start with so normally at finale as a female in the competition there is not even a moment where you cross paths with the other girl I remember in our

finale Matt like I obviously knew that Elise was in Thailand but I never saw her like I mean I saw her from the the distance at the airport that was it i never i never spoke to her i never saw her she was so kept away from me and i was kept away from her um that to think that they're now doing these little meet and greets beforehand isn't it wild wild wasn't it crazy so so the first meet and greet between the girls is between alicia and leah yep so they don't have they have like different bachelors so that's fine it's cash they're just like hey cute you're here i'm here like what do you like oh you know gold coast is lovely this time of year but then they get jess and abigail give them both like give one of them a knife the other one like a broken glass and

they're like now guys have a quick chat and uh get along well and then there's a guy standing in the corner he's like one two three literally and off it goes obviously abigail is still angry about everything that happened on the last episode she's very bitter and i i would go as far as to say. Oh, she's not bitter. I think she was very bitter. I do like Abigail. I'll put that out there. I think she's great. Big fan of her work. But? I just think it was unnecessary to have a bit of a dig at Jess at that point. It's not going to make any difference. I think, no, I disagree. I disagree with Jess and how she's behaved. I thought you were about to say, I disagree with you disagreeing. I think it's better that she at least spoke to Jess honestly than saying the

stuff that she's been saying to camera and also to Felix's mom I think it's much more honest that she at least said how she was feeling to Jess and especially at that final moment because it's pretty tone deaf of Jessica to be saying to Abigail like well this is how I'm feeling and I'm finally ready to choose Felix to the person who's like I'm also in love with him why are you saying this to me I don't I don't need to know what you finally decided I feel like she's angry because I think that I feel like Jess lacked a little bit of sensitivity to Abigail's feelings in that moment. Okay, so the fact that Abigail said you're only looking out for yourself

and you're only keeping Damien around until you find something better, do you think that's justified? Also, we could have put a grab in here but, you know, I need to go to bed tonight so we're not doing grabs. Matt, can you do it in the voice of? You're only looking out for yourself and you're only keeping Damien around until you find something better. Wow, yeah, that was pretty harsh how she said that.

Is she English? Yeah, she is. Great. Keep it in there. A little bit harsh, but also I think honest. Can I ask you another question? Do I think that that's necessarily true? No, I think Jess is probably – I feel like Jess's edit

has also been a bad edit. Like I think that maybe she did flip-flop around in the open relationship thing, but I think it's been edited to make her look ten times worse than what she is as well. I agree. Can I ask you this question? And I have gone down this route a couple of times. It's quite, you know, the conspiracy theorist route. My mum is convinced this is the case. Come on. What's Ellie from the jelly got for us? Mum is convinced that Jess and Damien are both actors. This comes up every year. I just don't think it would be.

It'd come out, right? Surely, surely. I just, I don't think. It's fucking wild. It is. It's wild. Damien is wild. Well, he comes back, doesn't he? Of course he does.

Of course he does. So the next part is. Would it be an episode of The Bachelor without Damien in it? So Damien comes back. Basically, Jess goes back to her little hut. And then there's Damien standing there talking to Dean, the producer. And Dean's like, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. And Damien's like, I want to.

Anyway, no one knows what it is that he wants to do. Lots of behind the scenes footage, don't you think? Is it caught breaking the fourth wall? The fourth wall has been broken. Very broken. Seeing behind the scenes, one might say. Yeah, I like it. So Damien walks in.

Jess has a breakdown. That's not like Jess. Because obviously she's going to have to break up with him. And, you know, breakups are hard. They suck. Damien, they do that little touching forward thing where he takes mind control over her. And then he says, like, just breathe through it. You know, tell me, talk through where you're at right now in this time.

What you're feeling. What you're thinking. I hate you. I don't want to be with you anymore. And he's like, all right, let's just rethink that for one second. Let's not rush into anything, Jess. Do you feel sorry for Damien in this moment? Like, do you think that he's, I mean, obviously he's put himself

in this situation or do you think that he kind of has enabled this situation? Look, it's such a wild situation right now because we're watching it and all of a sudden it's not The Bachelor or Bachelors, it's The Bachelorette. I'm like, holy shit, Jess is The Bachelorette right now. She's breaking up with people at finales. Yes. Like, what the hell is happening?

It's so crazy. Obviously, you know, I feel sorry for anyone, regardless of their background, being heartbroken, you know, to an extent. I mean, I've never warmed to Damien, but, you know, I thought he was very gracious in the breakup. He took it too well. I was waiting for him to flip out.

I was waiting for him to, like, kick a camera over, like, get a light and like throw it across the room would have made for some good tv i'm sure the producers were hoping they're like sending in like the intern for the camera in his hand being like all right damien if you want to kick someone here he is interns like oh my god please make it quick he controlled himself very well didn't he took it like a champ he took it like a chair like damien here's a bottle of rum if you want to have a sip we're not going to stop you You brought the whole bottle, sure, knock yourself out. Don't you think though, so like Damien's there,

he's now being broken up with. Yeah. Jess is now single, so then she's ready to get into a relationship. Okay, wait, wait, wait, can I say something? Yeah, please. Why didn't she do that last episode before she met Felix's parents? Like, come on. That's why my mum was like, she's an actor.

How do you think Susan's going to feel when Felix brings her home around the table at Christmas time. Could you imagine how awkward that's going to be far out? I promise I'm not fucking Damien anymore. Yeah, I honestly can't imagine. But we're skipping ahead. We're skipping ahead. So basically, Jessica, she breaks up with Felix.

It's very dramatic. No, Damien. Damien. She broke up with Damien. Who did I say? There's so many people. Who did I say? You said Felix.

Oh, she didn't break up with Felix. People right now are like, what? She broke up with both of them. This episode was crazy. So she breaks up with Damien. she's very very upset and I think anybody breaking up with anyone is uh you know it's a hard thing to do agree but somebody wrote this in the Facebook group on the the batch thread and I absolutely was like yes oh my god you're so right it's interesting to me how Jess has had

Damien as an emotional support person throughout this whole process like she has had somebody there throughout every step of this quote-unquote journey hate the word but we'll use it whereas everybody else has had to go it alone. Like everybody else has been cut off from all of their friends, all of their family, all of the outside world for seven weeks, whereas Jess has literally been handheld by Damien until finale. I don't think anyone can say that Damien has helped her in this situation. Like let's be honest here.

Like if ever there was a handicap, it's bloody Damien. I'm sure if the other women had the option of having a Damien along with them, The answer would have been no. That's a good point. So maybe the person in the Facebook group wasn't right. Congratulations to Jess for making it to the finale. With a boyfriend. It's a miracle.

She really does deserve a medal. Doesn't she? Credit to her. you would feel shit if you were abigail wouldn't you he picked the girl with the boyfriend god she's got two boyfriends jesus christ i can't even get one let's go back a bit before we get before we spoil the ending for felix we are going to spend a minute on on thomas because that's that's how long they gave him on camera i literally almost skipped past thomas and started talking about jen can we just talk thomas so thomas

breaks up with lauren i thought it was a flash after the ad i thought it was you know teasing you know how sometimes they do like the flashes of what's coming up just to set the scene it was so quick i thought it was a flash of the ad and i was like oh wow they really gave away a lot on the on the ad break i plugged in my phone to charge it and i looked up and it was already over there She was already walking away. Yes. Laura, I don't even remember her walking down. Like, I honestly don't.

I just remember her standing in front of Thomas and he says, it's not you. And she goes, okay, walks away. She gave nothing. It was so unbelievably anticlimactic. Like, I've never, ever seen a finale. You could, I've had sneezes longer than the farewell of Thomas. And the problem is, is because his farewell was so anticlimactic,

because there was just nothing about it. When he actually proposed to Leah, it was like, oh, it's nice. Yeah, but I also thought in that situation with Leah, right, okay, keeping in mind when they first met each other on the very first date, the speed dates where they went on that little boat and lake, he left that in tears. So I was like surely right now he's telling Leah that he loves her. It's going to be this amazing euphoric moment.

It's the crescendo of the entire series. We're going to have some tears, right? Nothing, nothing. he proposes she's like yeah cheers even you cried yes like a little sook oh come on now laura come on now come on don't make me feel guilty for those tears i mean i cried too we were both sooks together why didn't thomas and leah cry i love an emotional man i love a man who cries like she's been wanting this her entire life she said she's never been in love although she was kind of in love when the last show she was on okay we need to talk about this so i'm very happy for leah and

thomas i hope they're still together i there's been lots of rumors to say that no one is but i i'm like if if anyone's together my money is on them i really hope that they're together but matt you brought this up on like our first episode of that chunk art apparently leah was on another reality tv show called the proposal where she was proposed to imagine going for a twofer literally two out of two she has been proposed to on both reality tv she's been for she's very good she's got to go for three a lot of people can't even get proposed to once she's got to go for three surely yeah i mean third time's a charm three tv shows three proposals maths she's gonna be on the scene yes she 100 is gonna be on maths imagine thomas i mean do you think thomas knows that

leah was on another reality tv show where she got proposed to i mean if she said no you'd be bloody filthy that she said yes to a guy that she'd known for two hours and she said no to you but also they tried to build it up that it's like it's so crazy that leah's saying yes like It's amazing. They're saying yes after knowing each other for seven weeks. Leah's already been – she already said yes to knowing someone after two hours. So for anyone who doesn't know, The Proposal was a show where you had

one person who was like the main person. They met four or five potential suitors and at the end of an episode, which was an hour, they would get proposed to. Do we know for certain that Leah said yes on The Proposal or are we spreading rumours? We might be spreading rumours, in which case do your own research. Don't believe anything here on Batch Uncut. It's alleged that she said yes.

We haven't seen it, so we don't know. Anyway, we're going off the terrible information that we've been provided. But am I happy for them? I don't think they are together. But you're once again believing rumours. They may be. Okay, reason as well why I don't think they're together is because I had a look at their Instagrams and they haven't posted anything because obviously –

No, their Instagrams are still managed by someone else. No, but normally you do this like, hey, guys, thanks for the support. We're so stoked. We're happy. true like that always happens right everyone rushes to watch the awkward video that they make you film our have you ever watched our video back i don't want to watch it it is messed up they stand there with a gun and they're like fucking say you're in love and you're like i have so much fake tan on that it should be criminal like it is repulsive how much fake

tan i'm wearing we are so awkward because we've both been crying because it was it's it's an awful night like finale night when you're together it's not this like beautiful exciting happy night like you're so sad that somebody else is sad do you know what i mean i think you're also reading comments on social media as well which doesn't help we were in bed i remember like on man and my finale we were in bed together yeah we were watching yeah not being sexy watching the show play out and then we just sat there and we were like oh this is it's sad and then we're like let's have a look online and see what people are saying and they're like you guys fucking suck and we're like oh let's not do that again um it was actually it's it's an awful night like the finale night is

awful for the person who's rejected and it's also an awful night for the person who is in a relationship so there is no awkward video being posted on anyone's accounts right which is suspicious i wait with bated breath oh if there has ever been an example of how to not do the bachelor how to not do the finale of a bachelor then we can just like walk in specimen jed but also he's 25 he doesn't know what he's doing he's a musician what were we honestly expecting so somebody did also write and i saw that you shared on your stories that this episode is just going to be you and i eating shit for the entire time because i went against the grain every person i thought didn't get chosen so it's mostly just me eating shit yeah you're like i'm the oracle i can

guess everything you didn't guess you'd be eating shit on monday did you laura ah delicious um it's Sunday night I haven't eaten any shit yet but I might have to so he doesn't choose Angela mind you on last episode he told Angela he was falling in love with her she walks in feeling the confidence of someone who has just had a man say I'm falling in love with you only to walk into a church and to sit down in a church pew and to have Jed say to her the most ridiculous excuse as to why they can't be together he was it was piss weak wasn't it he was like I'm so sorry I'm not choosing you because, you know, I'm a drummer. Hang on, wait, do you want me to do the impression?

Yeah, whoosh. Yeah, so like, oh, it's kind of like Dave Hughes, isn't it? Like, I'm really sorry. No, how does he sound? It's pretty close. Because, you know, I drum heaps overseas and I'm just, you know. Why is he English? That's, all my characters have been merged into one.

I drum overseas and like, oh, show on your shoes, governor. And then she's like, I don't have any shoes. And then he's like, oh, cheerio then. And then he walks off. No. So what actually happened is that he sits her down and he says, the reasons why I'm not choosing you is because, you know, I play in a band and I have to travel a lot.

It's not fair. Did he say it's not fair on you? Yeah, it's not fair on you. You deserve someone who's going to be there with you. Yeah, you deserve someone who, and he's like, I know that me traveling is a big issue for you. mind you hasn't really been raised as an issue throughout the entire season we didn't know it was an issue even Angela's like uh what the only time it's been raised was on last episode where

Angela said oh yeah it's not ideal for me that my boyfriend is going to be away a lot but you know it's really reassuring to know that I can travel with him sometimes just you know what this is a lesson and this is a lesson for all of us in maturity if you're going to break up with someone just if you don't have a good reason like if it's just that you're just not that into them just make it clean just say i don't feel the way you feel about me i you know i don't feel the way that i should feel about you whatever it is own up to it and make it clean don't say i'm really sorry i have to go to the gym a lot and so i don't have time like just don't do it because people can smell the bullshit we do know someone who's a lovely man uh who broke up recently with a girl

because she didn't like the beach and he liked the beach. And he said, well, you don't like the beach. So this can't continue, can it? Let's be honest. It's never going to work out. She wouldn't get in the water because she had a fake tan and didn't want to get her hair wet. Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter. Just say, hey, we don't have that connection. It's not working. There's no spark. Although just a message to anyone out there, any guys who may be in the running to be the next bachelor, for the love of God, just do not say to multiple women, I'm falling in love with you.

Just hold back. If that thought is entering your mind and you're not at the finale and you're speaking to the winner, just don't say it. Have we learned nothing from Lockie Gilbert? Have we learned nothing? The other part of this that I think was – I guess it was hard to watch is because most of the time when someone in finale gives the I'm breaking up with you speech, it's a pretty well rehearsed speech.

Like they've got it planned out in their head. They've got an idea of what they want to say. Sure. It kind of felt like Jed was making it up on the spot. It was a breakup that was happening in real time. And even he was like, what the fuck am I saying? And everyone was like, what are you saying? But we got to watch it unfold and that was really uncomfortable.

And even Angela was like, mate, you just told me you were in love with me. You were falling in – what are you even talking about? And at least she called him on his bullshit a little bit. Yeah, it was great. But, you know, anyway, that's not even the most of this whole Jed's finale. No, it gets better. Oh, it gets so much better. So Jed then, obviously it's Alicia.

Can I just say, I like Jed. Big fan of Jed. As silly as he is in the finale, I've really enjoyed watching him develop as a character, although he trips at the final 100 meters. Yeah, no, I mean, we all, we both love Jed. I love Jed. I just think that his finale was, it wasn't exactly the most beautiful of finales. And the reason for that is because this whole time, Alicia, who Jed is obviously madly in

love with has been screaming at him do not propose to me if you propose to me I will say no I don't want to be proposed to I don't want to get married to you I don't want to be engaged every episode every episode she reminds him I think Alicia has said it as many times as Jess has said that she's in a relationship with Damien like that's how many times it's been brought up so what does he do what does he do he proposes it's unbelievable oh my god what are you doing i'm also so awkward because it kind of made me feel i felt a bit angry i was like have you not been listening to this woman like do you are you ignoring her needs and wants for here it made me feel angry that he put her in that situation but also his reaction when she starts going oh shit oh my god and he's like

has this look of of like why aren't you saying yes like how come you're reacting this way like i did it's unbelievable i couldn't it's like someone saying i'm so full i don't want anything else to eat and then you make a spaghetti bolognese and go did you want some more food and they go no thank you i'm full and you go oh well i've just spent hours in the kitchen cooking that thanks a lot pal that's exactly what it's like thank you that's exactly um but anyway i do like Like a food analogy. They love each other. You love a food analogy.

So I had to put one in there. Food metaphor, that's you. For the finale, put it in there. A meaty metaphor. Happy with that one? Perfect. It was very good. Thank you.

So, I mean, that's kind of like Jed's story summarized. Him and Alicia, we hope they're still together. It's just their relationship is like a spag bowl that no one wants. Laura, am I right? No, I think that they're – Am I right? I think they're beautiful. Also, Alicia, she just speaks.

she's the voice of reason oopsie daisy that was a little fart from me i'm gonna leave that in what would you do i don't care it's my last episode and i'm never coming back so do whatever you want destroy me publicly i don't care go back to all the other episodes where i farted put that in there as well do it i dare you you i'll fart again that was not a real one the first one though I reckon the mics picked it up um Jed and Alicia okay I think if ever there is a couple that is going to last the distance I really think it's these two they I feel like they have something special Jed does say one thing though he says if I don't propose to Alicia I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life and my instant thought

was well if you're together you can just do it in a year's time like why would you regret it for the like because of the free ring maybe they have to give the ring back yeah if there's no proposal like give us the last and he's like we want that back yeah we're not giving out three this year come on usually it's one maybe that's what he meant yeah that would make sense he would regret that for the rest of his life that's a lot of money i hope they're together i really do i'm praying i'm praying laura all right let's talk about abigail and felix i missed this part because Marley woke up and I had to put her back to bed. Mate, Marley would not go to sleep.

So we had to try and watch this to try and take our notes for recapping but only got to half watch it because we were trying to put a three-year-old to bed. So if any of this information is wrong, which there's a very good chance that there is. So I'm intrigued to know what you have to say about Abigail. Okay, no, I need to tell you. So there was a bait and switch.

So basically at the start. Oh, no, I saw that. I saw that. Jess walks out and then there's this drone that's going overhead and then they're like, no, quick, Jess, run. and Jess runs inside and the drone, which everyone's been speculating, it wasn't the paparazzi. Who was it?

It was Damien in the bushes. And he was trying to see what was happening. No, he's hanging onto the drone. And he's getting one of his cult member friends to like drop him in there. Yeah, so that's what happened. So Damien came back again and then he was hiding in the bushes. Anyway, Jess runs inside and so because they're trying to hide Jess, Abigail then comes out.

Wait, wait, wait. So they're like, this is too dangerous for you, Jess. Abigail, you're fine. Come out here. So Abigail's walking down the path and she's like, ah, fuck a stick. Ah, a bush. She literally walked into a rose bush when she was trying to get to Felix. I reckon it was the end of the day and she was a bit drunk.

And for somebody who's afraid of ketchup, it's very surprising that she decided to dress like a bottle of ketchup. Do you reckon she chose that? Do you reckon producers were trying to fuck with her? She's like, get it off! Poor Abigail. What a disaster of a finale for her. Oh, God.

So anyway, she gets to Felix. Holy dick. Does he deal with Thomas and just say, hey, by the way. No. Didn't work out. So sorry. All the best. No, he kind of does the opposite.

So he talks up Abigail to her face so much. Like he's like. Like what does he say? He's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, I was going to do her accent. You're amazing, like. So you're Felix, ready? You're so amazing.

And you're just like everything about you, your wife material, your, you know, just the way you are with my family, the perfect person that I should be with. I should be with you. Go deeper. We should get married and spend our lives together. and be together forever but there's something missing and then she's like oh is that something missing jessica are you more in love with her and then he's like you're so more in love anyways i can't do this voice it's hurting my throat she took it well though she took it like a champ she

took it like an absolute champ um he basically says there's something missing and that that something missing is the undescribable or indescribable spark or whatever it is um and that spark comes in the form of Jessica so then we switch to it's like night time now and then there's smoke and there's a smoke machine and Jessica walks down and she meets Felix and he starts to say all these things about how it's so complicated and for a second there you think that he's going to do a honey badger you think he's going to choose no one because they've been teasing this the whole way through like before every ad break he's like maybe I just won't choose anybody good good that was a good voice thank you thank you yeah i like they're really planting a

seed of like this will be a honey badger 2.0 but then jess gets in there and says i broke up with damien and you could just see so i broke up with damien for anyone who didn't know what i just said then do you reckon hang on a second his face just like he like lit up like a kid in the candy store do you reckon felix do you reckon do you reckon he knew that damien was there on set somewhere like Or do you reckon he would have watched it back being like, fuck me, Damien was there. Like do you reckon – imagine if he went to the toilet and like went into the cubicle and Damien's like, hey, bro, and he's like,

for God's sake, leave us alone. I wonder. I wonder what Felix will think looking back on a lot of this. I'm sure because obviously he lived it, he will know the unedited version and we've only been given the highly edited version, but I wonder what he will see and perceive watching it all back. So when Jess was saying, I've broken up with Damien, and you mentioned before that Felix's face, it went from concern

to this big smile, and Felix says, you make me feel so special. He's like, you've made me feel so special. And I'm like, dude, she's had a boyfriend the whole time. She brought a boyfriend to meet your family. How did she make you feel special? do you know to me he is obviously it wasn't a joke though that was a that was the only written joke that i had for this recap that was a joke that was a joke that was a statement that was uh that was that was that was a joke that was uh because he's because because he said

you make me feel so special and when when actually she brought the boyfriend to meet the family was that was that real or was that fake that's very fake oh good though there you go ladies you can fake it sometimes i don't even know um but anyway that's pretty much it so then jessica and felix they embrace they kiss and he says kiss me like you're single but she's not single because she's in a relationship with him so he's still confused about you really like that line when he said that i just thought it was really dumb i was like chuckle i was like but you're not saying yeah because i mean it was funny it was a good he's very good with the zinger one line it's like you said last week um you know what they should have

done and i'm really annoyed they didn't it should have just normally they do like always every season of the bachelor the kissing and the camera then just pans up to the the sky it should have just panned across and damien just standing there in the bushes by himself watching in with binoculars Because I know he was still there. There's no way in hell he went home. Also, it was probably remote somewhere in Gold Coast. Like, he couldn't have gotten him home. Okay, do you know what I would have loved?

Another weird thing, I guess it kind of worked, is after all the bachelors and the winners, they've come together, they're having a drink, and they're like, hey, wow, my God, you picked her and you picked her. Hey, wait, how funny is it that only Leah got proposed to and said yes? That's the one thing we got right. We were like, Leah's the only person on the show who will say yes. And funnily enough, she's the only person who's engaged.

Oh, does that mean there's no shit eating on Monday or is the shit eating still going ahead? Depends on what you're in for. I'll try anything once. Okay, great. What I was saying before was they cut to then all, can you call them the losers? Lauren and Abigail.

They all seem fine. Completely fine. Everyone's like, anyway, what are you doing tomorrow? Back to work for you? Sure. Isn't it weird how they all sat around and kind of commentated on the fact that the rest of them were happy? they were talking then the footage would flick to the happy couples and it would flick back and

forth and back and forth it was like they were kind of three the three people just commentating their happiness it was weird but why wasn't damien in there with those girls like he's he's just been broken up with they should have they should have had like like the last kind of the last say with the three girls and damien oh poor day why didn't they do that damien got more airtime than most of for the Bachelor of Most of the Girls. Damien got more airtime than Thomas. I think we should have him back. Next year's Bachelor.

I'm here for it. No, because he's okay with an open relationship. He'll just leave with all the women. Yeah, he's like, you're all coming with me. Episode one. The shortest season of Bachelor ever. And now they live in a commune in Byron Bay. Anyway, guys, that is it from us.

That is Batch Uncut. No, we can keep going. We keep going. We cannot. We're going to be done. That is us wrapped. We thought that this was going to go for a lot longer than it did. Three weeks.

A whole lot of episodes punched out in a very, very quick succession. Thank you to all of you who have jumped on for the chaotic ride that this has been. Except for Ellie Jelly. What was her name? Ellie from the Jelly. Ellie from the Jelly. But Ellie from the Jelly, do you know what?

We joke, but our actual normal podcast episodes are back tomorrow. So for anybody who has been listening. You talk about having a finger in your bum during sex. Yeah, but I do it with a girlfriend and not with you. It's different. That's still silly. Yeah, but it's a different kind of silly. How is that any different to us talking about eating shit?

It's just – stop saying that now. Sorry, how am I? You hit the eating shit quote after this episode. Can we call the title of this episode, Let's Eat Shit on Monday? Can we? We all have to eat shit. Yeah. But no, honestly, I want to say the biggest thank you because we have –

To me? To you, but also to our listeners who have jumped on board with this because Matt and I have had so much fun creating this little series. It's really special as a couple to be able to have little projects to work on that we get to spend time together and have a laugh once the kids are in bed. We have so much fun. And so this has been good for us too is kind of what I'm saying.

I'm really going to miss all the nice messages that come into my inbox. I'm getting a little bit emotional. Cute. Well, anyway, if you want to leave a review. Just fucking wrap me up. If you want to leave a review for Matt. I was just about to open up. What do you want to say?

No, I'm done. Okay. I'm done. Let's go. Let's put the air con back on. That doesn't work. If you want to leave a review for Matt, please do. But also, please, if you love the podcast, don't just leave a review.

Go and subscribe because then it will mean that the podcast episodes will be in your inbox every single time that one drops. You'll never miss an episode. We've never really pushed how important it is to subscribe to the podcast, but let me tell you, it's important. Go and do it right now. And we will be back, Life Uncut with Britt is back on Tuesday and we're going to be unpacking everything about her relationship.

Also, and your radio show comes out. When this gets released, you'll then be doing your very first 3 p.m. radio show. Yes, we will. So Monday is our very first radio show. The pickup is starting at 3 p.m. If you are in your car, if you are at your laptop, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, tune in and listen. And if you do miss it, we'll be doing a catch-up each week,

dropping on Saturday. Exactly, and I've got lots of really exciting projects that I've also been wanting to talk about for a really long time that kick off today. I'm doing a spag bol for dinner, which is a little something special that I've been working on, a new recipe with barbecue sauce in it for the very first time. Why are you putting barbecue sauce in it?

Just to make the sauce a little bit richer, and that is it. Well, Matthew, it has been an absolute pleasure. How else can I weasel my way into life uncut? I feel like my Facebook algorithm knows how much I like look at Life Uncut, the Facebook group, and so my feed is literally just – it's all Life Uncut. And I have to stop myself from commenting on every single post. What if we just keep recording like in our bedroom at nighttime and just drop it into the feed every so often?

Britt will be like, what the fuck are you guys doing? She won't know. She won't know. She'll never know. Anyway, that is it from us. Again, thank you for joining the ride. And you know the drill. tell your mum

tell your dad tell your dog and tell Damien we love love love love she's my love I love you I love you

Thanks for watching!