Life Uncut - BACH UNCUT - The Kinky Captain gets his Queen

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

Goodness gracious me it’s the final week of Bach Uncut! Jimmy’s already clocked off for the season so he’s making the last three remaining girls organise their own dates. Holly clearly snagged the entire remaining budget and she picks Jimmy up in a pimping two-story boat. They talk about what life would be like after the show and even though Jimmy admits he’ll work so much that he’ll only be around 2 weeks of the year, Holly doesn’t care because she admits she’s fallen in love with him. Whaaaat, love bombs already and it’s not even the finale !? Jimmy replies by pushing her in the water because he loves to give her hyperthermia on their dates. Jay is up next and all she can afford is a leaking kayak in the harbour. They paddle around, listen to classical music (Jimmy hates it) and then he confronts her about the 83rd rumour he’s heard - Jay used to date the Bachelor New Zealand. It’s at this point we knew it was all over for Jay. Brooke is up next and she’s stolen a puppy to play with in the park. Just when you thought Brooke was all glitter and fairies, she throws Jimmy in a hot tub and girates him until Osher kicks them out.Time for the finale and we’re all heading to Alice Springs to meet Jimmy’s family ! His mum, dad and sister are there and even his cousin.. Because we all know how invaluable dating advice is from your cousin (please explain Jimmy). Jimmy’s mum is team Holly and his dad is team Brooke and his sister is like.. just f*#king tell us who you’re going to pick already (the cousin literally doesn’t say a word). Brooke’s single date is very bloody adorable and she’s literally having the best time of her life as they enjoy a champagne sunrise in a hot air balloon. She’s so certain it’s going to be her at the end and oh god - our hearts are already breaking! Holly’s date is up next and they snag a cheap flight to Uluru but the only catch is that Jimmy’s parents paid for it so they’re coming along for the date (this actually kinda happened). The finale is as brutal as you can imagine but it’s not a total disaster because we’re gifted a beautiful love story with Holly and Jimmy, which makes it all worthwhile. WE LOVE LOVE !See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what what do you think just relaxing that's my relax face maddie j don't relax that much oh my god oh my god how have you how have you got a number one fucking podcast Hi guys and welcome To Laugh Uncut, my name is Matty J and I'm joined by my half-drunk fiancé Laura Byrne It's good to be here guys, but you know what's even better than being here on the podcast sitting across from you, Matty J.

Oh, what's that? It's being a winner, and that's what's better. Being a winner feels really, really good. Don't call me a bad winner and say I'm rubbing it in. You deserve this. I bet you were the kind of person who would get like an A-plus on their exam and then just rub it in everyone's face. Or you'd win a race at athletics and then for the next week or two

you'd just be gloating non-stop. You truly lost me at the A-plus part. That would imply that I had to have been academic at school, so no. I'm making up for it now by being the oracle of The Bachelor. Everybody, Matt told me that I wasn't allowed to say it at the beginning. He said, I can't tell you that Holly wins. Wait, ah, you've ruined it. Well, guess what?

Hole dog wins, guys. Holly did win. And I think it's just the fact that you got really lucky, okay? You just happened to fluke it one time every other season prior to this. You've always got it wrong. So one occasion, Laura Byrne, you are correct. Cheers to you. Ching!

Last year on Lockie season, I did really think it was going to be Bella who was going to win. And to be fair, I think also Lockie had no idea who was going to pick either. Oh, Laura Bernier, so naughty. Zing. All right, so we have two episodes to recap tonight. It's kind of weird recapping the end of it. Like, it's finished. It's all over.

Yeah, look, it's upsetting. It's been a really fun ride up until now. but you know unfortunately all good things must come to an end and to anyone out there who may be a little bit upset I say to you guys don't be upset it's over just be happy that it's happened write that one down yeah welcome that quote is direct from Matty J he is truly truly a wealth of wisdom everybody but before we get into recapping the last two episodes you know what we're going to talk about all of it the highs the lows but before we do that we're going to talk about our own personal highs and lows for a moment because our kids are driving us crazy.

Matthew, how are you feeling? Look, it's not been a good day. It's been a very frustrating day. We had this toy that Marley just became obsessed with and it wasn't really a toy. It was a pencil case. It was a smiggle. Is it a smiggle pencil case? You're making it sound weirder than what it was. It was a baby. It was her baby. If you guys follow me on Instagram, there's a photo of her with her little puffer jacket on and she used to wear it down her jacket so she would carry her baby around in the same way that I would carry Lola around so cute and it had a little face and it was like wearing like a pink little hoodie and it was furry and it was like her comforter that she would carry everywhere but it was also a pencil case as well so she lost that and it's been

uh it's been a real problem in the household because she doesn't sleep without it she doesn't leave the house without it she doesn't go to daycare without it and it turns out that that goddamn pencil case is now a collector's item like a hundred bucks online now it's ridiculous and every time she goes to bed and as I'm walking out the door she'll go daddy and I stop and I turn around and say yes Marley there's baby and I have to say to her oh yeah oh baby that's right yeah let me just have a quick look I'll be back in a second and I have to run out the door and close it and hope that she doesn't wake back up and baby's coming by Amazon and it's cost mummy and daddy an arm and a leg.

So anyway, if you want a baby, you can just buy them online. They cost $100. Fine. I hate it when you don't laugh and I make a joke. You do that on purpose to try to wig me out. But you know what? I'm the winner, so you're never going to wig me out, Matthew Johnson. With that out of the way, how about we recap the episodes

that have just happened? Oh, let's do it for one last time. Bring it on home, baby. Okay, I think this is the first time that the last three remaining women organised the dates. Because I think back to my season, sorry, our season, and I organised the date that was our second last date. Isn't that right?

We went paragliding. Is that what it was? Like parasailing thing. Yeah, paragliding. We jumped off a cliff, but we were strapped to men. We were each strapped to a separate man. And so as I looked over, I just saw Laura in the fetal position, strapped to another man which is awkwardly quite nice arousing wasn't it i was like get used to

this that's weird for starters i was not in the fetal position i was loving it i feel like they've changed it a little bit with the women organizer dates so for these three dates it's all about the women revealing a bit more of themselves to jimmy so we kick off these single dates with holly my number one girl gets the number one date oh who would have thought it and here she is driving a great big boat look it's not a great big boat it's like a medium size pretty like affordable boat but here she is rocking up and ready i'm gonna sound really cynical here do you think she was actually driving the boat i mean she looked like she was doing a good job of just spinning the wheel but i think it i think there was someone downstairs because it was a double

decker boat she was upstairs i don't reckon she was driving it matthew johnson do you think that there was editing behind such things yeah smoke and mirrors and a bit of production i'm afraid It's so Laura Byrne. Are you telling me that things that happen on reality TV are not always real? That's exactly what I'm saying. Holly, we want to find out were you actually driving that boat or not? I don't know if that's the most important part of the day. But anyway, Holly rocks up in a great big old boat

and there she is ready to take her Jimmy for a little ride. And it's good to be reminded that they have such great banter between the two of them. I'm liking the yellow. Thank you. I'm liking the green. ah there's nothing quite like admiring what the other person is wearing and then announcing it for everyone to hear well you've got to verbalize these things unfortunately with the bachelor when

you're all marked up the internal thoughts have to be external words and that's the one thing that you get prompted about all the time it's like if you think you love him you must tell him if you think you like this about him tell him so you're constantly saying words that really should just be thoughts like i need to fart right now forget that joke anyway back to it laura i like your white shoes thank you i'm wearing crocs yeah people do love the crocs hey i always find it really interesting when i'm looking at the body language of two people on this show I find it interesting to see who goes in for the kiss first. And when Jimmy meets Holly, he's always the one leaning in for the kiss. And on the other dates, it's always the girls

leaning in to kiss him first. It's one of the big telltale signs, to be honest. And I want to say this to everyone so that if there ever is another bachelor season after this, and we're going to see it with Brooke, when it comes to hometowns and when it comes to the last single date, which is obviously what we're on now, how they greet each other is such a massive telltale sign as to who it's going to be so if the bachelor or the bachelorette looks so stoked to see that person you you know like that that is such a big indicator whereas i feel like with jay and with brookie wants a cookie they kind of like you know properly say it properly i feel like it was more the girls leaning into jimmy than what it was the other way around

totally now this date with holly this is actually quite a serious one because if we remember from our hometowns she kind of choked up real bad on the step of her apartment it's when she was meant to say like oh my god i love you so much and she couldn't because it was all getting too much for her so now there's a really important opportunity for holly to open up and open up she does so these dates are really serious obviously they're right at the pointy end of things and they have to talk about hey is this going to work outside of the show what is the feasibility of this relationship working in real life. The fact that Jimmy's a pilot sucks. It sucks. And it has posed quite a few issues for quite a few of the girls. However, for Holly, she seems to be okay

with it. The fact that he's going to be an absent boyfriend 99.9% of the time. It feels really easy picturing a family with Jimmy and life after this. Look, when you're single, I guess it would be quite easy to imagine a life with your partner never ever being around or even in the same country jimmy makes dating him sound so shit like every episode he's like so i'm a pilot and i'm never gonna be here ever i want you to know that i'm gonna abandon you several days of a week at least five days oh and when we're together it'll be quality time but you know you'll be majoritally raising our children on your own I will never make you orgasm ever and I'll probably never send you a good morning text look as cute as they are and at this part of the date I look I love

Holly I love Jimmy I think that they're going to be beautiful together and have beautiful batchy babies but at this part of the date I was thinking dear god Jimmy you're truly not selling this for me Holly's just opened up about like her relationship with her dad her relationship with her parents, being divorced, feeling abandoned. I fly planes, so I'll never be here. So even though I'm never going to be home, when I am home for that one minute of the week, it will be very, very good.

He's not going to be on TikTok is what he's saying, Matt. Jab in the guts right there from Laura. And then, of course, just to really round out the date, you know, to finish it off, just an ode to the last date that they had. They go for a swim in some freezing Baltic water once again. Why is he trying to give Holly hypothermia? She's only thought out from the date prior and here she is.

She's like, do I have to get back in? Jimmy's like, get back in the water. I'll do anything for love. You know when you go on a date and they tell you what you need to bring in terms of wardrobe. So, you know, if you're going to be in the water, you will get a note from production to say, hey, Laura, bring your bikini bottoms on this date. Holly was like, I do not want to pack my bikini bottoms. I'm never going swimming with Jimmy again.

Please, no. She's got PTSD after going swimming in the swamp from a few weeks back. My favourite part of this date was after they went for the swim, they'd gotten changed and now on the roof of this boat is this beautiful little set up with the wine and cheese and champagne and Holly says this. Beautiful. Oh, look at this.

Holly, you've just told us 15 minutes prior that you organised this date and now you're surprised by how beautiful it looks. Stick to the script, Holly. Continuity. But no, look, this is their time to sit down and have some intimacy and Holly really lets her guard down. Holly like goes from being the girl that's, you know, crying at hometowns, hunched in the corner,

doing a poo in her doorway to being the one to drop the L-bomb first. She's laying it on thick and fast now. But do you think, I wasn't quite sure if she said, I'm falling in love with you or fallen in love with you. We could have pressed rewind and listened to it again if you weren't sure, but I'm pretty sure she said I've fallen in love with you. Well, hang on, let's play it and you at home can try and figure out what she said. I have fallen in love with you.

The big thing I want to unpack with you here, Matt, and people, I mean, like the lovely listeners may not be aware of this, but let's bring you into the warm embrace of the bachelor world. There is a big difference between the words. Like in normal life, if you said, I've fallen in love with you, I'm falling in love with you, like blah, blah, blah, blah. They're all kind of similar vein of things. in bachelor world they mean significantly different things if you say i have fallen in

love with you that's the same as saying i love you do you reckon that's the same as someone saying i might be in love with you do you reckon anyone would ever say i might be in love with you 50 50 yeah i've said that before hey who my ex-girlfriend sorry about that rachel oh wow did you really absolutely not what's wrong with you i'm better than that I was a bachelor I'm the dream you did tell me that you love me first and I will always be happy that I won did I yeah when did I oh that's right because I said at the finale sorry sorry sorry normally at this point you say I'm falling for you as in like hey it's like it's coming because you need to leave you need to leave a little bit of something special for the end for

the finale but now that she said falling in love with you it's like hey where do you go from here like now they have to have sex to make it seem like they are progressing somewhat more I would I hope that they don't have sex on The Bachelor just on our screen so that we can see the next step in their relationship. Jimmy and Holly, if you're listening to this, please can you start an OnlyFans so that Matt knows what happens next in your relationship? Well, where do they go for the finale?

Well, we want to know if you've consummated it. I'm sure they have. We'll ask them tomorrow when we interview them. But Jimmy responds in such a beautiful and articulate manner. I just wanted to see a part of you and I've loved every second of it today. It sucks And you would have experienced this in Georgia Love season

Remember when you did that season And you were on national TV And proclaimed your love for someone prior to it being me I remember that Never did You didn't tell her you loved her? Never told her You never said I love you

I can't remember what I said But no, no, no, I never said Never said the L word Did you say I'm falling in love? I think I said I might Perhaps Could envision myself being in a position Where I may love a part of you

your face just can't remember exactly what happened there is nothing worse than being on the bachelor and being at that point in the show where you you sit there and you tell like when i told you how i felt about you and i said i think i'm falling in love with you why did you say think why don't you just just say like hey i'm mate i'm into this i'm all in you were like tiptoeing around you were like oh maybe i am maybe i'm not i think perhaps it's like come on just deliver it straight i had a little bit of self-respect at the time and a bit of self-reservation i think don't be ridiculous you were still dating other women so i said to you i think i'm falling in love with you and i remember saying it and you couldn't say anything

back at all and it was so demoralizing like dehumanizing i was like cool glad we covered that one off i think i was like more more wine i was like let's make out now because this is fucking awkward yeah that's actually a good point when there's nothing else to be said the easiest thing to do is just start kissing. And I now kind of think as well, sometimes when people are like, so when you watch The Bachelor and they're just kissing all the time, sometimes I think maybe they're not actually that into each other. Maybe they just have nothing to say to each other and they're using kissing as like a prop to kind of fill the space. Totally. I mean, what do you mean? That never happens ever. It's so random. Not on my season. Wrapping up on Holly's date and

then we dive headfirst into Jay. And you know what? It's a good thing that Jay rocked up at the exact same pontoon that Holly and Jimmy just said goodbye to each other at. I love the fact that Jay is wearing active wear just to really show Jimmy that she is going to slip into life in the eastern suburbs so effortlessly. And then they're going to go for a little walk along the Bondi to Bronte Coastal Walk. Well, I was thinking more along the lines of doing cocaine and Revisis. I don't think that that's where they're headed. But they do have the world's most boring day.

Well, you can't really do much on a kayak, can you? it's quite limiting you certainly can't do cocaine on a kayak can you man well i was hopeful that one time look i was 22 leave let me live it don't you think it's just like a real fuck you to jay the fact that the last date was in a beautiful boat and then we cut to jay's date and all they can afford are just two measly little kayaks but isn't jay the one organizing the dates now so isn't it jay that just didn't put the effort in holly's there and she's like i got a boat i got a big ass piece of salmon let's cook this up and jay's like hey i got the kayaks ready or maybe maybe it was production who said sorry we just blew the budget on holly i reckon it was the fact that

jay was too lazy to organize anything i know what a perfect date is i'm gonna take him back to the business lounge and we're just gonna play another game of chess it's fine look the kayak date it was pretty boring jimmy was obviously there was some things some rumors that he needed to clear up wait jimmy trying to solve rumors with jay on a date that's never happened before whilst this was happening were you just like jay's going home tonight i've been thinking that since like three weeks ago i've known that jay is going to go home i'm just i'm like come on mate just pull the trigger the gun is aimed clearly at her head it's game over but i do think that jimmy obviously really really dug jay like there was obviously something there for quite a long time where he

was like i just want to get through this next like surely this can't be true surely this can't be true totally i agree and i think it was the 53rd rumor that he was like enough is enough you fool me once jay you fool me once well look i didn't think that this kayaking day could get any more boring but then jay took him to see the sydney symphony orchestra so this is the sydney symphony orchestra this is jimmy hello lovely to meet you all This is very exciting. Yeah, and they're going to play a piece called Salud D'Amour. Okay.

I love classical music. It kind of catches people off guard when I let them know. So I think Jimmy will be really surprised by this. It was as if she told Jimmy, we're going to watch this paint dry and that is going to be our date. Jimmy did not give a crap. She was like, this is like really a part of me and I want to share with you something that I really love.

And you could just see Jimmy like the boy from the Northern Beaches who used to go out, like, fishing with his friends, the glaze over his eyes. And he was like, oh, yes, the Sydney Orchestra. This is exactly what I want to do with my Saturday nights. Actually, to be fair, he probably knows half of them because they're friends with his parents. But you know what?

The real crux of this date, the real take-home message, was that there was another rumour to debunk. And unfortunately, your J, Chess Girl, the one that you've been rooting for since day dot, once upon a time dated somebody in the public eye as though that's like really sorted in like a terrible offense you can't possibly go on the bachelor if you've once upon a time dated someone who was in the public eye no but don't you think in jimmy's defense don't you think that if you've got a track record of being attracted to people who are in the public eye and now you're on a

show like the bachelor it kind of starts to give a bit of an indication that your objective is to just be someone who's famous a bit of a clout chaser well we do go on to find that the person who jay dated was actually the bachelor in new zealand but you know what guys we if you haven't listened to the interview that we did with jay which came out yesterday we asked her the hard questions we got to the bottom of it and jay actually dated this guy when he was 26 years old and now she's like what in her 30s so it was six years ago and he has only just become the bachelor now but the way that the editing and it all kind of came together it was so obvious that there was such a big chunk of that story that was missing and it made it seem like she literally just jumped

from like the new zealand bachelor straight into the australian one and was like i'm gonna snag myself is it snag myself or bag myself i'm gonna bag myself bachelor snag bag i think that both i wasn't gonna say anything i was like snag right up baby stop smelling your crock Matt just took his shoe off halfway through and started smelling his sweaty croc. I'm glad that you're enjoying this so much. Well, do your crocs sweat? You've got, like, the inner padding,

so mine are, like, the pure plastic ones. Mine are the fleece-lined crocs. They're a little bit sweaty, but they're also particularly warm and insulated. Mine are just quite plasticky and sweaty and stinky. Anyway, where were we? We were talking about Jay and how she likes to bag herself or snag herself a bachelor.

look okay jay is innocent in this rumor once again but the thing that i found really interesting is that she didn't really give much like she really needed to open up and be like hey jimmy mate i think you're incredible you're the man of my dreams i can see myself falling in love with you she didn't really give much she was like i like your shoes no i mean to be fair she did open up a little bit she did tell jimmy that she could see how well and perfectly he would fit into her life. I feel like you'll fit in really well with how I like to live my life and the things that I enjoy. You know because I like to date bachelors and all. Then and there I was like mate just send her home right now don't ever bring her to a rose ceremony there's no point. Although you do kind of

think and I guess I've been feeling this the whole way along well I mean at least since Brooke came back you can tell how extremely emotionally invested Brooke is right and like Holly as well the two girls that have gone through to number one and number two are intensely emotionally invested. I didn't feel like Jay was that intensely emotionally invested. Not at all. I kind of think if Jimmy was 100% either way, Brooke or Holly, if he knew what he wanted to pick, he should have taken Jay to number two as like a buffer because I don't think she would have been as heartbroken as Brooke or Holly. Yeah, but I just think at this point, I could just tell that he had the ick i think the relationship with jay had totally run its

course and also to be fair he would not have wanted jay to win and come second he was like fuck you i'll get rid of you at number three and so that is a wrap on jay's day let's get on down to brookie walkie town oh brookie it was a very cute little date for her i was trying to figure out how they're going to make it work with puppy tying it back to her personality but it was like because she's an occupational therapist which i don't really understand exactly what that does but apparently it's to allow people to get back into the workforce wow i did not get that that is a very tenuous stretch of a link the whole time i was watching that i was like okay this data is supposed to be about them like sharing a little bit about their personality and here we are

with brookie and a puppy and then her talking about her tingling ovaries well yeah it's not as if Jimmy's going to play with a puppy then go, hang on a second, I do love Brooke. And I would like to have her babies very, very soon. The more he holds Reagan, the more I'm like, oh, God. Jimmy is so good at this and it's really sexy. I would totally have a baby with him. I feel so uncomfortable and, like, my heart hurts now that we all know what happens.

We all know what happens to Brookie Wookiee. To be able to, like, talk about this date now, just, oh, it fills me with so much uncomfortable anxiety. She's going to get her heart smashed. She is into Jimmy hook, line and sinker. And she makes it very clear that in her own head it's going to be her at the finish line. Like, she keeps saying to him, you know, that she feels like she's in a relationship with him, that she feels like he's her boyfriend already and I feel like that at this point in time when there's still two other girls in the race that's a really big stake to claim your man at. That's

not the saying. That shouldn't surprise anyone. Brookie Wookie really wants to sex it up so she brings him to a spa. The only thing that makes me feel more uncomfortable than knowing that it's not Brooke and her wanting to like share her undying love for him is Brooke talking about how she wants to get sexy for Jimmy. That also makes me really uncomfortable. It feels like a little child being like, I'm going to show him my sexy side. I was like, oh, Brookie, just stop.

You're an angel. You're a virgin. It was too much for me. You know, I felt sorry for Holly. This whole time she's had so many dates where she's had to swim in a swamp. On the last date she had to swim in the ocean, which was about two degrees.

And now Brookie gets an indoor spa with heated water. I mean, the girls live in large. Could you imagine the conversations there? having now holly being like oh yeah why'd you take me to that swamp jimmy you all up there in the hot sauna rubbing yourself all over brookie anyway i wouldn't want to be a fly on that wall but to be honest look it was another pretty non-eventful date i felt like this episode was not my favorite episode it was a bit non-exciting a bit non-eventful it was my favorite of the entire season why was that maddie j it was it was just it had it all it had spas

It had boats, kayaks, puppy dogs, and orchestras. And it also had Brooke gyrating on Jimmy in a Spa. And that's what I live for. I think it is important to know that production really went hard on trying to make us think that this was going to be Brookie at the end. That was a very steamy little spa date. Wait, didn't you get the spa date with Georgia Love? Yeah, but on that spa date, it was a little bit different

because we were shooting it out way west in Sydney, we were like kind of towards Blue Mountains and somebody in the art department who looks after all the props forgot to turn the spa on so it was the coldest water I have ever been in. They were like, all right guys,

we're ready to jump into the spa. So we hopped in there and it was like freezing, like it took your breath away and it was so cold to the point where you could barely get any words out at all and they were like, hey, we're so sorry,

we just need five minutes in the water And we can call it quits and you guys can hop out. So we were in there shivering, could barely get a word out. And if you watch it back, it makes me look more nervous than cold, which I guess kind of worked. But, yeah, freaking art department, you assholes. I am sitting here with my jaw on the table listening to this, guys. Wait, Matt's obviously talking about the spa date that he had with Georgia Love,

not with me. I didn't have a spa date with him. I had no idea that that was the case. I just thought that, like, you were so nervous. and, like, jittery with nerves. I didn't realise that you were fucking freezing. That changes things for me. No, I hate it.

Well, both of us, we hate it every second. It was honestly some of the coldest water I've ever been in because we were shooting it, like, in the middle of winter out near, like, Blue Mountains and it was about 10 o'clock at night. It was just an absolute nightmare. That is the most miserable intimacy scene I've ever heard of and that was when you were supposed to tell her that you loved her. Oh, my God!

Oh, that's far. And I love a spa. Who doesn't love a spa? I was like, oh, great. This is going to be fun. We've got champagne. We've got some chocolate. Let's do it.

And then I hopped in there and it was like jumping in the water with Titanic. I can't even. But also, do you know what I'm realizing now? This is my revelation. The spa is a number two thing. Bella also got the spa. Bella got the spa. Brooke got the spa.

Maddie J got the spa. The spa of death. You took a lease in a spa too. Did I? Holy shit. Nobody ever wants to go on a spa. You're on the back of a boat with a lease and a spa. Right, yes, yes.

It's the death of the spa. Hey, stop living in the past. Let's focus on the future. Let's focus on the rose ceremony. All right, well, Jay goes home. Look, it's no surprise to anyone. She was on her way out, has been for weeks. Finally, Jimmy kicked into the car.

All right. She didn't seem that sad by it. I think she seemed shocked. I think Jay was very surprised that she went home in that moment, But she didn't seem overly sad. Yeah, but I wasn't really expecting her to be that sad because she never really opened up that much. Like she was never in love with a guy, you know.

She was always like, yeah, things are going all right and he seems pretty cool. But if she was like, hey, this guy is really the man of my dreams, then I would have felt so sorry for her. But now I'm just annoyed that she cost me the win. Yeah, the 50 bucks and the good old sleep in I'm going to get now. Hey, let's talk about finale. Laura Byrne, can you believe we have made it to the finale?

What a long, tenuous journey it's been to get here. We made it. It is 10.30 at night, guys. We have crawled. We've inched ourselves closer and closer to bringing you the final episode of Batch Uncut, and then you never have to hear from us again. Here we are. We're surrounded by empty bottles of wine.

There's takeaway containers on the table. Condoms everywhere. I wish. oh do you know what i'm a fucking emotional wreck after that episode brookie wookie didn't get a cookie you can't say that i am i am actually feeling some ptsd after that episode it was it was a brutal finale absolutely gut-wrenching and if you didn't know matt deals with his trauma by making jokes about it i can only make a joke about it because i've been there before Yeah, you have.

I've been runner-up, I know what it feels like, and it sucks, but if you don't laugh, you'll cry. Look, filming was a little while ago, so hopefully she's doing a lot better than what we saw tonight. Anyway, let's get into talking about the family, because you know what? Jimmy brought his mum, his dad, his sister, and his cousin. Well, that's the thing that I find really weird. Normally the finale is saved for your immediate family, so like your mum or your brothers and sisters. he brought his cousin his cousin's just like hey where are you guys going Alice Springs fuck yeah I'm coming too okay I didn't think that this was that weird I actually thought it was like pretty

normal and then she didn't say anything she just sat there and ate the cheese and the sandwiches on the table the more we talked about it Matt was like you aren't even close with your cousins like do you know anyone who would bring their cousin to the bachelor finale like and now they think about it no i don't it is weird jimmy you're weird never been done before but he was probably like what are you doing here chantelle she's like she's got like a handful of cucumber sandwiches family are delicious they're a bit critical of the girls but we're gonna get into that first off the ranks we have brookie wookie who didn't get a cookie poor brookie has just said that you know she finds it really hard meeting new partners parents because she's had a really

difficult relationship in the past with her ex and her ex's parents and you know she feels like maybe she's gonna overcompensate and she walks in to meet jimmy's parents and like she doesn't disappoint she certainly certainly does brooke walks in there looking like she's just dumped six espresso martinis which is exactly what she looked like on her last single date starbucks thank you this episode is brought to you also by starbucks her poor fucking eyes were just popping out of her head she was like it is so good to meet you well to be fair she did answer some of the questions okay like for example what do you struggle with the most and she said you know with the other girls and being jealous great answer very good point however she did start

to go into details about when she was trying to deflower their son and she was in the spa with him on the last date very unnecessary imagine like going and meeting someone's family for the first time like taking your new partner to meet your mom and your new partner says yeah i just wanted to get really sexy on our last date, I would be like, please stop speaking now. Yeah, how are things with my son? Great, I gave him a handjob yesterday. I showed him my sexy side.

Well, that's fantastic. You guys look really happy together. Well, you know what? Jimmy's dad was pretty approving of it. To be fair, though, Brooke walked in, she hadn't said one thing, and Jimmy's dad was like, you are beautiful. I am sold. He didn't even really speak to Brooke from what we saw.

Jimmy's mum did on the other hand and Jimmy's mum was like I don't know if this is a good match and Jimmy's dad was like nope she's perfect you will never speak poor of my brookie wookie she looks amazing but I did feel sorry for Brooke when she got taken away for the one-on-one chat with her mum and they went to this like rusted old shed that they were sitting down on it was like such a weird interrogation spot and that's when things really started to unravel you know she was just digging her own grave saying things like i'm really clingy i'm actually quite needy i'm very spiritual and then she started crying it's nothing quite like saying that you're spiritual and then bursting out in tears to really win over a parent i cried when i met your mom in thailand yeah but

you didn't say that you were clingy and needy i didn't and then say you're very spiritual i said i was falling in love with you i was like i'm falling in love with your son and then i cried which also just made me look clingy and needy and spiritual without actually saying those words to your mum. Mum came back and was like, don't know about that Laura Byrne girl. That's all right. Your mum loves me now. I want her over in time.

But Jimmy's mum, she does not approve of Brooke. She doesn't. And she does go back and she says that she can see some flags, some red flags in Brooke and Jimmy's relationship that she thinks will be a problem down the track. One thing I do want to say though is like it's very easy for us to sit here and poke fun at that meeting of like Brooke meeting Jimmy's parents for the first times and how intense she came across and how like all in and yes she said some things that

I think you know maybe I wouldn't say them meeting a parent for the first time but she was being her genuine self and one thing I really loved about this is like she was not trying to put it on or say the right things like Brooke is very very aware that some of the things about her do not line up with what Jimmy wants and she hasn't lied at any point or tried to like fabricate an outcome and i think that that's really fucking admirable at this point in time it would be so easy to say i'm not clingy i'm not you know i'm not codependent in relationships i'm super fine i'm independent just because you wanted the guy to choose you i'm like really proud of her and we should stop picking on brookie because she did that she like was true to herself my approach in

those kind of situations is always just to lie and tell the person that's asking the questions what they want to hear it definitely would get you further in life it may get you winning the bachelor however it may not give you a long-term relationship never be honest you know what tomorrow's problems are tomorrow's problems that's how i like to look at these things all right that's brooke done now time for whole dog and can i just say is it me or has holly's teeth gotten whiter i think it's just that carly's teeth have left the building and so now there's no point of comparison unfortunately without carly there just makes holly's teeth illuminate even more well she comes in and it's a little bit of a tricky situation for holly because she's got

beef with jimmy's sister from the last time they met and see they don't seem to be getting along now holly has a chat with jimmy's dad and i think it's going pretty well i think all of australia thinks it's going pretty well and even when they return to the table jimmy's dad is like you know what that was great you're an awesome chick i really like you so holly also thinks it's going well until she leaves the minute holly like walks away from the table she's like it's been so great to meet everyone i like you know your family seems wonderful especially your dad holly walks away and jimmy's dad's like i fucking hate her he did the old bait and switch on her so this is awkward because one of the parents is team brooke and the other's team holly imagine bringing your

parents all the way to alice springs for them to be absolutely no help well i'm just annoyed that he didn't ask his cousin for some advice well she was also there just for a free holiday and to be absolutely no help she's over at the cafeteria sitting down with your parents and saying can you please pick a girlfriend for me which one 50 50 i do that all the time with my mom well you actually did do that with your mom it's actually now that i think about it yeah so i can imagine and yes i condone it what did your mom say after meeting elise and i i can't remember that is so untrue and also incredibly useless your mom was also just there for the free holiday to thailand My brother was like, it is weird that Laura doesn't have any hobbies.

And only talks about salsa dancing. I do remember that part. He was like, really big red flags here. Just be careful. Did he really say that? No. Anyway, look, so the parents are completely useless. We realise that.

And now Jimmy's left all to his own. He does make the comment, though, that he spends one day with Brooke and it's going to be Brooke. and then he spends the next day with Holly which then leads us into the single dates for this episode and the first date is Brooke and I think maybe he just picked Holly because she was the last date that he had and he was like he's just gonna make it easy for himself Brooke and Jimmy have a hot air balloon it's very romantic can I just say have you ever been on a hot air balloon Laura no it's actually a bit of a nightmare when have you been on a hot air balloon I was up in

north queensland for the um travel show i was doing and it's really quite annoying because you got to wake up at three o'clock in the morning and you're up super super early and you're just so tired but obviously it's very beautiful for the sunrise but you're just more exhausted than anything else i think brooke is pretty excited from the minute that she's in the car she's like look the sun is rising brooke's enthusiasm for everything is completely endearing and that's so endearing and it's obviously one of the things that jimmy really really loves about her and like this whole like just excitement for life you know excitement for any activity look to be honest not a lot happens on the single dates but you don't really expect much on these dates

other than the fact that it's just one more opportunity for the woman to say hey this is exactly how i feel about you the tough thing about brooke is the fact that she wholeheartedly believes that she is going to end up with jimmy it's really interesting isn't it because she is actually so endearing in that like the way that she speaks and the things that she says on anybody else coming out of anybody else's mouth would come across as like arrogant and cocky her saying like I know it's going to be us at the end I know it's you and me like I know that you feel the same way I feel like that's a really overly confident thing to say and not many people have that like level of blind faith about what they're embarking on because obviously there's still another girl

in there yeah but the way she says it it doesn't come across as arrogant it still comes across as really innocent like I still think that there's something about her and the things that she's saying that was really endearing and it just set us up for such a big fucking heartbreak at the end when it all came crashing down yeah I think the one thing that you hear time and time again from so many people who go on these shows is the fact that they expect the worst but hope for the best and the annoying thing about Brooke is that without this little safety mechanism that she's got she is going to fall so hard like you said now we have the very last date of this season and it is with holly this is the very last single date of the season and it's also the last chance for

captain kinky to flex his pilot muscle well it's not going to be the only muscle that he's been flexing let's be real i'm sure him and number one will be getting some one-on-one time at the very end of this not date but you know you're talking about his cock aren't you captain kinky it's been a while where have the sexual innuendos been on this episode do you know what i found a little bit awkward about the start of this date is that it was set up by jimmy explaining that him and his dad did this beautiful trip to ularoo on a plane and i can't help but think this is the same dad that absolutely hates holly not to make it any worse than that or any more awkward but the fact that they then go and enjoy the beautiful scenes of ularoo and jimmy's dad who doesn't like holly

then crashes the date wasn't that so fucking weird what i don't understand though is like of that whole date and how beautiful it was why did his parents crashing the date go for so long like i felt like literally half the day it was like instead of focusing on the romance or whatever it was they talked about it was literally jimmy's mom and dad they were like what are you guys doing oh we're doing the walking tour oh great we might do that tomorrow yeah and do you guys have wine yeah we do oh you got wine and cheese too oh i like your jackets they're matching that's cute We'll see you at breakfast by morning. How fun was the five seconds of watching Jimmy's mum and dad

just walk away wearing their matching jackets? It was so weird. It was like they needed 30 seconds of filler. What was that about? I think production's trying to make it more unreal, like a little bit more behind the scenes, lifting the lid on reality TV, if you will. So awkward.

And then they just go back to kissing in front of Uluru. Beautiful. Which also makes you think that they've sectioned off this special area for them to be. There's obviously other people, there's tourists, who are all there looking at Uluru. On the trip of a lifetime. Jimmy and Holly just had this little sectioned off bit

where some security guards like, come on down here, have your wine here. Also, I want to know what temperature it is where they are. One would think that in Uluru, it's quite warm. And I say this because Holly's there wearing a little play suit. Jimmy's wearing a t-shirt or something of that sort of description. And then there's Jimmy's mum and dad, both wearing puffer jackets again.

Thermals and beanies and gloves. Holly's got hypothermia again. I really hope that Jimmy just has Holly, like, rugged up now. Holly's like, I never want to leave the central heating of the eastern suburbs. Look, the end of their date, it's quite nice, quite nice. Ticks all the boxes. You know, she whispers, I really do love you. And then he kisses her on the forehead.

It's quite beautiful. You know what they say about forehead kisses? What's that? It's how fuckboys suck the sense out of your brain. poor holly's just there getting lulled further and further and further into a false sense of security she's like timmy levitating out of the body anyway look it's a very lovely date at this point in time they've done a pretty good job i would say that this season for me was like the biggest cliffhanger season i was not sure which way it was i mean i don't you know like okay i've

been whole dog since the number one episode but genuinely in this episode i had real moments of like holy shit no hang on a second let's let's remember last season with loki arena bella that was like we didn't know what was happening then that is true but like we said at the beginning of this episode loki also didn't know he woke up that day flipped a coin and then figured it out but look at them now he made the right decision do you know what i love about the finale moment is that osha's there standing waiting for jimmy to arrive and then in the distance you see jimmy walking down and osha goes there he is doing his best david attenborough voice come on the majestic bachelor approaches in the wilderness of uluru anyway that joke went on for a bit

okay but can you tell me what you thought did you think it was a pretty 50 50 split or by this time were you like more in Camp Holly or more in Camp Brooke? No, I think I was thinking it was going to be Holly. I mean, I felt for Brooke. I obviously want Brooke to be in love, but I just thought Holly just made a lot more sense. Everything about Holly just, for me, ticked all the boxes. We've made it all the way to the end.

We've had some highs. We've had some lows. We've had a lot of lows. You and me have had some fights. We've had some good laughs. We've had some good times. We love each other more for this. I don't know what date is.

I don't know what the time is. It's currently 20 minutes past 11 and we're still recording. And hopefully by the time this ends up in your libraries tomorrow, we're not delirious and we're still together. I hope people listen to this episode. I still love you, honey, even if this has almost been the fucking undoing of us. All right, so we're here.

It's the very final. It's the final, final. It's the very final. There will be no more Encores, people. And unfortunately, Channel 10, once again, they thought that they would fool us with the little dress, the foot out the door. Then Holly walked up with a producer.

It was all weird. Wasn't it strange? They were being so tricky here. Holly walked down. She got stopped by a producer. And then the camera pans down to the rock and then pans back up. And like magic, it's now Brooke. But also, can you remember that on Abby and Chelsea's season,

they did the exact same thing? they had Chelsea get out of the car first and I think it was such a huge and like impactful bait and switch that then they were like oh we're gonna try it again on this season but like it's almost too mean especially when someone as like vulnerable and heartbroken as Brooke is standing there like the bait and switch was too cruel I feel like they do that in the States quite a lot but now it's very on trend here in Australia I just want to go back to the stock standard the first foot out of the car is on the way out of there like she's got one foot in the uber one on the way to see jimmy and then she's just gonna go home i live for those old days

but wasn't it just one of the most awful scenes to watch it was like you know watching a car crash you know you wanted to turn the tv off poor old brookie just getting a heart ripped out and stomped on by jimmy it was just brutal it was honestly like the saddest bachelor finale i think i have ever seen and one of the really difficult parts for that was that I think watching how sad Brooke was there wasn't enough buffering to kind of allow us to feel really happy for Holly like and I have been so excited about Holly I am rooting for this from day one and even I felt like I couldn't be fully excited about her finale about what they said to each other and about their love story just because this was so much about Brooke's heartbreak

and that in that moment was pretty devastating. Totally. And then it was so awkward as well when Jimmy's mum and dad just walked into frame again. Still on their tour. They're on the walking tour. Jimmy, hi. Hey, mumsy, what are you doing?

Jimmy, darling. Is this the finale? Should we? Sorry, we'll just have a little bit of some wine and some cheese over here. Who did you pick? oh oh not brooke oh sorry brooke oh we'll be back in 15 brooke didn't get the cookie it's so rough it is so rough it is so rough seeing someone be completely heartbroken it honestly felt like jimmy had kicked a puppy it looked like he just kicked reagan the puppy from

the previous episode it was worse than that i think something else that i really didn't like as well is that where they were located in the bottom of this gorge which was a beautiful setting by the way the issue is to walk away it was it kind of went on forever you know you had to like walk like what seemed like half a kilometer so it's like jimmy's just standing there he's in tears and then brooks and freaking high heels like stomping through rocks and like climbing this gorge to get back to the car park it's like come on it's literally like the worst walk of shame you could ever do in your entire life like there is nothing worse than that walk of shame and then getting in the car and brooke is in the car and she's crying and the car's like a

four-wheel drive she's getting thrown around in the back with a harness on because it's so late at night the guy's going off road he's like oh shit just keep driving brooke's getting thrown around in the back of the car but anyway we see brooke's heartbreak it is devastating and then we do afterwards and can you tell everyone how quick is it after you tell the person that you're going home until you get to tell the person that you're in love with them it's pretty quick and I think one of the reasons why they make it so quick partly because everyone's being paid by the hour there's a lot of crew on site but also they're really worried about paparazzi as well spoiling the show so they try and shoot as quick as possible I think when we did our finale I think

from when number two goes to when i then spoke to you it's maybe five or ten minutes at the most which makes my mind absolutely boggle like the one thing that i think if you're watching that closely is like as holly is walking towards jimmy jimmy looks like he's still crying or has been crying so if you were holly of course you're gonna think i'm going home like this guy is so upset to have to break my heart but instead he's upset because he's just smashed poor little reagan brookie walkie with the cookies heart in half like she's devastated and he's still recovering from that it just happened five seconds ago do you remember even at the end holly goes oh are they happy tears it's like no no it's when i crushed brook's heart that's why i was crying

jerry's like i'm fucked i'm so emotionally fucked right now it's also like how do you go from being on such a low to such a high and then like like it's like emotional whiplash almost you feel quite numb in that moment it's really hard to to enjoy it you know it starts to I think sink in after the actual moments taken place when you're with number one look I know it's really hard to ignore the heartbreak from Brooke but let's not forget that there is a really incredible love story between Jimmy and Holly and I also think as well like I know like we it went downhill like you cannot not focus on how sad that situation was with Brooke I know that the Instagram and like our Facebook was blowing up and everyone kind of almost did a 180 and wanted to protect her a little bit but I just

go back to thinking about when we interviewed Jimmy earlier in the year and he was so fucking stoked about the person that he's now dating and like to be able to put a face to that person and for him to say how in love with her he is he also mentioned to us that like after the show finished filming and they got to spend that really special time together because you go away and you get to spend a couple of days without any film crew or cameraman or anything just on your own like away off in the mountains like it's secluded and he said that that's where he felt like their relationship really solidified and grew well that's because you have sex about 85 000 times in the space of three days there is nothing else to do there's literally no internet there's no

like barely a tv all you do is have sex until you can't walk and that and that is why we love the bachelor that is an insight into our relationship and not anymore also i really hope that they wear protection otherwise they're going to have a baby within the year that's also another bachelor number i'm here for it can't wait churn burn and push them out that was weird that is it from us this was such a big episode guys it's so late we have done our absolute best on this one but we have loved so much bringing you these batch uncut episodes we are interviewing holly and jimmy in just a couple of hours what time is that interview booked in for way too early and we need to get to bed we're actually interviewing them tomorrow which is friday for us

but it's today for you if you're listening to this so that's going to be a little bit of weird podcasting inception we have reached out to brooke because we really want to interview her as well however at the moment we don't know whether or not she feels up for doing media or up for doing interviews and that we totally respect that decision if she doesn't want to come on the pod well that is it that is it my second last ever episode with life uncut i've really enjoyed it i just want to say it's been so amazing getting all the feedback from everybody on social media when you guys say that you enjoyed the episode honestly it makes it so worthwhile so thank you so much for all the positive feedback and we all need to try and wear maddie j down so that he'll

come back and do bachelorette with us because right now he's a little bit unsure and we need to tell him how funny he is and how pretty he is and how don't make me sound so needy and just come on darling my number's oh four three six do you want me to stop you stop me i'm gonna keep going please stop giving out our personal phone numbers on the podcast no guys honestly please slide in his dms convince him that you need him back for bachelorette I can't do this on my own, people. No, but I really can't do this on my own. The convincing or the podcast.

So please let him know that you love him. And that is it from us. If you have loved the episodes, go leave a review, tell your friends, and you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your sister and your brother and your dog and your cousin and your – Your cousin. Don't forget to tell your cousin.

They need to know. Make sure you bring your cousin along and share the love because we love them. We'll be right back.