Life Uncut - BACHETTE UNCUT - Brooke and Darvid fly off on a magic mower to live happily ever after

Episode Date: November 26, 2021

OH MY GOD… It’s our final Bachette episode!Maybe ever, maybe just for the year - we’re still undecided. It’s the second last ep, which kicks off with Darvid meeting Brooke in a kayak (sadly there was no cameo from surf dog bachelor). After a quick paddle, they jump on quad bikes and try to escape from the Bachelorette compound. Osher springs into action and catches Brooke - forcing her on a date with Jamie-Lee. They go on a bush walk, which Brooke hates because she’s wearing brand new white jeans. Jamie-Lee tries to save the date by declaring her love but before Brooke can react - Osher picks her up and forces her to go on one last date with Holly. She makes Brooke endure a marathon session of interpretive dance and just when Brooke thought it couldn’t get any worse - Holly declares that she hates kids and WA. It’s all too much for Brooke who storms off mid date.Time for the finale, which is between the Persian Landscaping Prince and Best Friend Jamie-Lee. Both get grilled by Brooke’s besties - Amy and Abbie Chatfield. They both agree that Darvid is a total dreamboat but Jamie-Lee won't give up just yet. She hires a couple of bicycles and takes Brooke down to the skatepark to smoke cigarettes they stole from Osher’s dressing room. Darvid then rocks up and takes Brooke on a tantric-sex-yoga class, which is topped off with a confession of love.Osher decides that Brooke has endured enough so he allows her to say goodbye to Jamie-Lee who actually takes the news like a champion. Before she can wipe away her tears (and her eyelashes) Darvid rocks up to finish off their tantric sex lesson. Brooke is so emotional she literally cries away her eyelashes.It’s beautiful, its heart-warming, it’s why we watch this show. WE LOVE LOVE !!!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and it's gonna be a good one. Matty J's on the seltzers. This one's um it's quite nice called piney limey. I like a seltzer. I'm into it. It sounds like this episode is brought to you by seltzer. Certainly is and I wish it was. I feel like we're on different levels though because you're on the red wine. I'm mellow. Yeah you're chilled out and I'm like it's worth the seltzer. Piney limey. You know, like, I'm ready to hit it. It's a Friday. Woo!

Oh, fuck. Strap yourselves in, guys. It's going to be a wild one. so laura i've had quite a bachelor filled week can we do the intro first oh it's the intro hi guys and welcome back to another episode. Sorry, sorry. I forgot about you guys. Welcome. Welcome to Bachelorette Uncut. I'm glad you're with us. It is the final episode. Well, the final two episodes. And do you know what it feels like? It feels like when you've quit your job and so then you show up late for work because you don't really care because

you quit your job. The bachelor's over. This is a day late. You've fucking stopped caring. I was like, earlier, I was like, babe, let's not do it. Honestly, it's so late. Like, who cares? Does anyone care? Someone did message me, though, and said, is there any chance you can get it ready by like one o'clock because I've got a four-hour drive? Sorry, Carol.

Okay. We've missed the deadline. Not only did Matt say, let's just not do this episode, he also said, let's just not watch the final episode and watch The Bachelor recap. Don't throw me under the bus like that. He was like, why don't we just watch Channel 10's recap and recap the recap? That's how unorganised this man is. But don't worry, I kept him steadfast.

I made sure he watched every second of it, even if he did try and get onto TikTok a few times. I was only maybe 50% serious when I said we don't have to watch the full episodes. We can just watch like the punky recap or Channel 10 recap and we pretty much know what's going to happen. Why don't you tell everyone why? One, why you look like you've been on a Caribbean holiday And two, why you didn't watch the finale

When the finale was actually on the TV Unlike me Yes, look I did have a fake tan Thank you, Laura Everything feels better with a fake tan though, doesn't it? Are you hooked now? I do look in the mirror

And I think to myself This is quite good I look Because it's been a crappy summer so far here in Sydney And so I feel like I'm looking my best I'm looking healthy I'm sun-kissed, but obviously, like, I haven't had any of the damaging effects of the sun. It's great.

There's nothing healthy about a tan. It is for a photo shoot. Matt had a job coming up. He hasn't just started doing fizzy, and he's, like, ready for his first competition. Someone did message me. I did a story promoting Tony May for the Black Friday sales. Everyone, there's one more day left of Black Friday sales for Tony May. If you didn't know, jump on, 30% off.

If there's anything left on the website, it's all selling very quickly. but a lady messaged me and said hey don't take this the wrong way it could just be a glow but do you have fake tan on I was like I wrote back and said yeah I do that's correct it is a fake tan so now I'm now I'm a little bit conscious when I go outside I'm like are people looking at me thinking why is Matt so much darker than he was yesterday yes they are anyway anyone who knows you is definitely thinking that just quickly I have had a busy week catching up with bachelor of people oh please do tell us some more guess who i saw two days ago well you know but people who are listening don't know uh do you want me to answer it since i know abby chatfield

oh how was it and conrad so i was at toddy's and i was walking in look to my left and who do i see the it couple right now in australia abby chatfield and conrad i was very starstruck how pissed off would you be if you're brooke listening to this and you're like it's the it couple in australia right now uh we mean brooke and darvin sorry sorry about that oh i think yeah they have kind of stolen the limelight obviously conrad's like the most popular person from this season of the bachelorette abby is just you know the most dominant person on social media right now it's the incredible pairing of the two of them they look so in love it's beautiful what was it like it was nice tell me some more uh conrad he shook my hand and i was i was very starstruck and

I said hey mate look we recap you know your season I watched you you're a superstar you were great and uh like who are you and he was he's very cool very cool guy and uh and I did get the feeling that he was like who is this freaking weirdo but I was like you were great I loved you every bit of you are you're amazing can I smell you show me your hair sign of my chest yeah I like him I like him a lot I honestly think they'll last they just seem like they're so in love with each other it's beautiful. Well, I'm so glad that they can be out in the open and have their love on public display, but we should be talking about the actual couple that this series was about. And look, we'll get there, but just before we do, I saw Sam Wood last night. Wow. I know. You went to

dinner with him. I stayed home with the kids. And he's having a baby. That's, it's wild. Another baby. Another bachelor baby. It's crazy. Another girl. He's now got, he's going to have four girls. Isn't it crazy? I could not imagine being in their household when all those kids are going through puberty yeah wow three girls it did make me think that we maybe we shouldn't have another kid maybe we should shut up shop maybe but we won't do you reckon oh i like a bit of drama oh god let's get to unpacking the episodes well guys you know that you don't come here for accurate information but we did watch both episodes like i said i made matt bunker down and we really we went hard we even took notes for this

episode we thought if we're gonna wrap it up if we're gonna give you the final two eps we better do it properly so we're gonna kick it off i can't remember whether it's episode 11 or 12 but you know it's the second last episode i think it's episode 10 i think it is too i think no wait no it's not episode 11 nah i think it's 10 okay okay no because it ends on an even number maybe because they merged two episodes together no they didn't no no just check no on 10 play okay i'm not you you're asking the guy who wants to cut every corner possible do you really think i'm going to check it's episode 11 let's do it we're down to the final three and david gets the first date and if it is not glaringly obvious from the first 10 seconds of this episode that is david at the

finish line i don't know what is now it's a cute date brooke really feels that she's in touch with who she is at her core she feels like she's reconnecting with her childhood and it's a really special moment for them this is me these are the things that i grew up doing to do that with someone that you care about and have a connection with is just like all the better okay look it's just a canoe is it a canoe or a kayak it's a kayak just on a kayak i mean i okay it's nice and it's sentimental but it's just a kayak it's and it's just a kayak in a little creek that's all it is very murky water also i'm gonna say it they are beautiful together we are so happy for them gorgeous like incredible and the words pleasant and calm we use repetitively on this date

which you know what that's exactly what they are as a couple they're beautiful i can't wait to see the beautiful babies that they have but this particular date at the start was a little bit boring and the only thing that would make a boring pleasant calm date even more boring would be like maybe talking about bread. With some sourdough. With sourdough? Yeah. That's one way to get them.

Yeah, that's a cool, yeah. That's one way to live for me. With some sourdough. I love bread. Me too. Bread, butter and salt. Bit of olive oil. Stop.

Isn't it cute when you say the same thing as someone you like at the same time? No, no, hang on a second. 30 seconds of talking about bread on a date though. So this part of the episode, I mean, it was cut down to about three minutes, right? Three or four minutes. The real date would have gone for about four hours. So if the best conversation they have is talking about bread and how you like to eat it,

like what else was cut from the date? Like what were they talking about? And like, I don't mean to shit on their date. They also talked about how to cook rice, whether the absorption method is better or whether you just boil the shit out of it. I would have preferred that. Potato. that's also a really great white starch starchy kind of meal to talk about I mean I'm all for

the food chat but like come on yeah it did however get a little bit more interesting the second part of the date with David was all about quad biking and it was kind of nice to see things have a little bit more high energy it needed it no I think those quad bikes they were going so slow and you know when they try and talk it up they're like oh my god these things are like v8 they're going like 100 miles an hour and then it's like 25 kilometers an hour like they're like the super safe quad bikes that you use on like a school camp and they have a limiter on it so they can only go about 30 k's an hour well i mean david seemed to like it he was very turned on that brooke can you know she can get out there and get amongst it and be all adventurous and yeah sexy

in those sexy little pants they were very sexy pants actually what pants was she wearing again She was wearing, like, tight, not leather pants, but, like, leathered legging pants. No, I think they were just grey. Were they? Like a dark charcoal. And you're just making things up because you're trying to make it more sexual in your mind. Although... I think you're thinking about the other day.

I'm pretty sure her pants were black. But also, don't come to us if you want fine details. Okay, do you know what I did think was the sexiest part of this date? Do you remember when they finished on the quad bikes? Was it when they were having sex? That didn't happen, sorry. That was a weird joke. Laura Byrne

You can't just hit those jokes like that You've got to work into it You mean when they're fucked You've got to finger around them a little bit first Creepy Laura strikes again It's been a while since we've done one of these recaps After a couple of bevvies Also the poor people listening

Hanging on every word Trying to figure out what actually happened And you're there just going yeah and then he fucked her no the moment i was talking about was when they finished on the quad bikes and then he grabbed her off the quad bike and he he kind of like he had her straddled or he was like holding her that's what i meant by the sexy pants yeah okay like bum hugging it was like very and i was like and then we're all but it wasn't the pants that i liked it was the fact that he it was like holding her up and then she was like had her legs wrapped around his body

That set me right off. Anyway, the next part of this date, let's move past. That was the most intimate thing that's happened on this entire season and we're all very aroused. Okay, getting to the next part of the date, it's the intimacy scene where Brooke and David, they're heading towards a jacuzzi. It's beautiful. It's all been set up.

You know it's time for David to express his feelings. And Brooke seems to forget that she's actually on The Bachelor. Oh, you've got like champagne and strawberries. You know he didn't organise those things, right? Like, David has not organised a single thing on this day. I mean, he's asked for it. He said to production. You know what?

Actually, no. No, he wouldn't have. He wouldn't have even asked for the strawberries and champagne. He would have just said, I need some, like, whatever the intimacy time is. That would have been organised completely by producers. Maybe the kayaking and quad biking, he would have said, I would like to do something adventurous today. He would have rocked up to the intimacy part with the spa, the jacuzzi,

being like, there's fucking what there? David would have had no idea at all what kind of beverages were on offer he'd be thinking like I didn't ask for champagne I wanted a beer like no input on the strawberries no input on the champagne and like nobody believes it anymore you know every time that someone's like oh I love that you organized this date for me no one organizes the date really it's mostly production we should do an episode where we just thank all the producers over the years for their hard work that goes completely unnoticed could you imagine if Brooke was like walking towards the jacuzzi and she's I was like, oh, Sam, thank you so much for the champagne and strawberries.

You're welcome. That was a perfect touch. I was getting flashbacks, though, to the date with Richie and Alex. You know when they had that bath with a melted chocolate? There was no – why were you getting flashbacks to that? Just because there was like a little jacuzzi and I just remembered this little bath with Richie and Alex and I was like, oh, I just want something different,

something spicy like a big tub of melted chocolate. And you know what? Maybe that is what's been missing from this whole season. A chocolate bar? No, no. Like some weird dates, like things that when you watch it, you're like, holy shit, that's fucking weird but funny and like really great and entertaining to watch.

I don't know. Like I just feel like every date has been exactly the way that Brooke described the date with David earlier, pleasant and calm. And that doesn't make for great TV. You know, you want something that's like fucking weird. Yeah, the needed one without like milking a cow or something. or like something really obscure.

Okay, well, things do seem to heat up in the jacuzzi. You know when you're in a jacuzzi and like it's a bit too cold to get out but you really need to go to the toilet? Excuse me, Laura Byrne. I mean, would you pee in a jacuzzi? Yeah, absolutely. I reckon Brooke did too. You're whizzing.

What would you do if you were on a date with somebody and it's not the first or second date. You've had a few. You're in a jacuzzi and then you realise they were pissing in the jacuzzi. What would you do? Would you be offended? Oh, it depends on how far in I was. You farted on a date once.

You farted on our last date together. You didn't even try and walk away. You farted and then laughed and said, ha-ha, I farted. Did I? What the fuck? Did I really? Gosh, I was arrogant, wasn't I? It was like we had just come off that little raft in Thailand.

We had set this little flower arrangement off down the river and we'd just gone through this rafting and we were outside and it was raining and it was really romantic. We were standing on the side of the riverbank having a chat and, like, having a cuddle. And I was like, Laura, pull my finger. Did I really? Yes.

What a grub. What a grub I am. And I remember telling, so we have a very good friend now. His name is Falcon. And Falcon at the time was Matt's minder on the show. So a minder is the person, basically when you're at that point in the show, each contestant has someone who. A chaperone.

Yeah, it's called a minder. But basically, like, that chaperone follows you around to make sure that, one, you're not going to run away, but also that you're taken care of. I remember telling Falcon that you farted on our last date and he was so upset he almost cried. He was so upset that you did that to me. And so am I, to be honest.

To be fair, I am very gassy. And to be fair, you were the bachelor and thought you could do anything. You still fart all the time. Anyway, let's get on to the next date. Jamie Lee goes for a walk in the bush. i feel so bloody bad for jamie lee she's just been so hard done by this show in this season she's had like the most average dates and she's also had to wait so bloody long to get any kind of attention from brooke when she does finally get one of the last dates it's like you're gonna

go walk down a dirt path no but she organized the date yeah but they would she would have been like all right, guys, so what have I got options for? Like, helicopter, yacht, like, what can we do? Maybe, like, even go ice skating, something cool. And they're like, it's definitely not you, Jamie Lee. We've got no budget. Here's a fucking tent. Put it up yourself.

And this is in, like, the backyard of the mansion. I'm sure it was, like, literally 10 minutes down the road from where they were staying. You can tell that Brooke also wasn't that into the idea. As much as she's from the bush and she likes being outdoors, I think she had some different expectations around this date. So we're going on a little bit of a hike. beautiful yeah yeah loves the idea yeah i wonder if i brought my hiking shoes but these will do

i'm really surprised this is not what i had in my mind you can tell how much brooke does not give a fuck she's also wearing white pants and she's wearing white boots she does not want to be going hiking this is not what she signed up for this is like the most high risk outfit to wear going bushwalking i think maybe brooke felt a little bit ripped off on this date like she had these high expectations that Jamie Lee was the one who was going to take her on a bit of a bougie experience because we know what's been lacking on this entire season. But no, instead she goes to pitch a tent. That's fun. People like that. People like pitching tents. It's kind of like a teepee tent. So it's got a big pole that goes in the middle. See, that's cool, right? So they make

their way to a clearance. A clearance? A clearing. An area where there's not that many trees. You can't pitch a tent in a tree okay question have you ever gone camping and gone i'm looking for a good clearance to be fair oh that looks like a good clearance set it up over there it's been a long time since i've been camping do you call it a clearance like a clearing in the woods a clearing yeah and there's actually lots of like there's lots of rules around where you pitch a tent got to be not too close to water in case there's like some sort of freak flood you can't be under a tree unless a branch falls on you lots of rules okay you don't want to be on a rock platform because that's very uncomfortable.

Look, sorry for questioning you. Absolutely right, Laura. We also went camping quite a bit when I was a kid. Not for a while. I realised I like being indoors a lot more. Lots of good clearings when you were younger. I love how The Bachelor is trying to throw in lots of sexual innuendos to just give us a little sniff

that it may be Jamie Lee at the end here. That's it. Pull it tight. Look, I'm a sweat duck. Sorry, my innuendo is probably, like, not that great. okay trying to find the hole for all of the sexual innuendos there seem to be actual very little sexual chemistry on the date however we do get to the intimacy scene and jamie lee on the last episode spectacularly said i really really like you and she has been kicking herself ever since

so she takes this opportunity to tell brooke that she's actually falling in love with her and there is nothing more awkward than telling someone that you're falling in love with them and for them to turn around and say, yeah. Well, it's even not even a yeah. Sometimes Brooke just goes, hmm, hmm, hmm. Or she goes, cute. You know what? We talked about a few episodes ago, like what are the rules for the bachelor

and bachelorette in that scenario? Yeah, and you kept trying to lie saying that there's no – you're like, there's no rules. You can say what you want. No, because you can. No, because – hang on. No, hang on, hang on, hang on. Because remember Lockie.

Lockie told Bella that he loved her before finale. Yeah, but Lockie clearly hadn't read the fucking rule book, had he? Lockie broke the rules. That's a terrible litmus test for this. Okay, so I do feel very sorry for Jamie Lee because, yeah, once again in a situation where she pours her heart out and she just is so vulnerable and it's met with, yeah. It was a cute, yeah, like they had a big makeout and stuff.

It's not like they don't have any sexual chemistry, but it's just it feels to me like Jamie Lee is the safe friend that's been brought along for the ride. I think even Jamie Lee is probably thinking to herself, how the hell am I still here? Like, I'm going to roll with it. Don't get me wrong, but this doesn't seem right. Well, moving into the next date, in a plot twist that absolutely nobody saw coming, Holly organizes a spectacular date, something that is completely left afield for her. I've brought her to a place that means quite a lot to me I grew up dancing and was a ballet dancer for over 15 years of my life So I'm hoping that mine and Brooke's connection can grow today through dance

Okay, do you know what my biggest gripe with this is? Oh, I don't know, but can you tell me in liturgical dancing? In what? Liturgical, isn't a liturgical dance like a What the fuck are you talking about? We used to do liturgical dancing in school It's like interpretive dancing. Oh, but maybe it's religious.

Oh, I don't remember. A liturgical dance is like when you dance, but maybe it's when you do an interpretive dance at church, so you probably don't do that. Okay, well, I'm learning something every day. Okay, what I was going to say is, so these dates were meant to reveal something new about each contestant to Brooke, right?

That was the whole goal. And once again, Holly is just flogging that dance horse until it's bloodied and bruised and can barely walk and it's just limping towards the finish line. We got where you're going. Someone just put that horse out of its misery. Do you think maybe she's trying to get a gig on Dancing with the Stars? Absolutely.

She's like, maybe if I make sure that everybody in Australia knows that I was once a dancer, I could revive my career as a liturgical dancer. That's not a word. It is a word. Liturgical. Liturgical? Liturgical.

Is that liturgical? First, it's the clearancings. The clearancings? Clearings. Can you guys go and Google this? I'm not making this up. Liturgical? I went to a school that made us do liturgical dancing.

All right, so they watched a couple of people do liturgical dance. Okay, they were doing interpretive dancing. There's a difference, Matthew. I mean, I'm sure it's impressive to, like, somebody who's a trained dancer, but to someone like me who's a bit of a normie norm, I don't get it. I don't get interpretive dancing. and I don't understand how watching interpretive dance would have benefited their relationship in any way.

Did you also feel it was a bit like Dance Inception, like we were watching people watching people dance? Like it was quite a few stages removed from actually doing the deed. Wow. Yeah, it was quite the spectator sport, wasn't it? That's weird. Anyway, following on from watching the people watching the people dance, we ended up getting to the intimacy scene.

And now before the intimacy scenes even started, sad music starts playing. Oh, it was a train wreck. The violins come out. It was an absolute mess. We were in a minor key. What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you this episode? We've had a babysitter all day and I feel very good.

Very good. How many wines have you had? Two. You've had at least four. Don't lie to me on the podcast. Anyway, getting back to the intimacy scene. Now, you said earlier that this date was all about exposing a new side, a side that maybe Brooke hadn't seen before.

Now, it's supposed to be a positive side. However, Holly decided to really come out guns blazing with a few things that Brooke wasn't aware about. One, that Holly does not want to have kids. Do you remember, was it last episode or the episode before that, I was talking about the date being a little bit boring with Holly and I said, oh, I wish she would come out and say that she hated kids. And then she literally came out and said she hated kids.

She was like, fuck doing that to my life. Sorry, Holly. Go on. So, yeah, we didn't not know that. We don't actually get to see into the future. Also, I've got a little gripe. Someone in the Facebook, this is going really off tangent, but I'm going to say it right now.

Someone in the Facebook group was like, Laura knew it was David because she read the sports bet. And I didn't. And I feel victimized. on that. I was pretty wrong with everything else. Is it weird that you're going to have to eat your own shit tonight? Do you remember what you said last time? That if Jamie Lee makes it through, I'll eat my own shit. Yeah. Yeah. So do you think you'll eat your shit in the kitchen or

will you do it in the bathroom? Also, how will I eat the shit with a knife and fork if it's like a formed log or is it like a soup? What kind of shit do we eat? Like shit into the hand and then start chomping on that. At least be courteous and get a plate and knife and fork out. You wrap it in a napkin and eat like a log of shit, like an ice cream cone. We should live stream this and put it on Life Uncut. Join us, 8 o'clock, Eastern Standard Time. If you don't know what we're talking about, last episode I did very famously say that if Jamie Lee makes it through to the final two, I will eat my own shit.

I'm sorry that I lied to you all. You're such an oracle, Laura. Let's just focus on the fact that I got Dufford right. Okay, back to Holly. Holly says that she doesn't think that she wants to have children or if she does want to have children, she only wants one. And the issue being that Brooke wants to have a big family, two kids and then maybe foster a third.

Yeah, she's very specific about that. Also, she wants her partner to be open to the idea of moving back to Western Australia. Brooke really wants somebody who is flexible with their long-term plans around where they're going to live because she wants someone who may be open to the idea of living in Perth. Well, not even in Perth, like six hours north of Perth where her family is from.

And Holly is not having a fucking bar of it. She's being really honest about it. She's like, how about no? Obviously, Brooke has a real massive issue with this. And I think that she actually handled it a little bit bad in the moment. Like, I think. Why is that? In what way?

Well, okay, getting serious for a second and not taking the piss. I think that Holly did the right thing. I think she genuinely shared how she feels and she was being honest. She could have very easily lied about what she wanted in the long term. Okay, question though, question. Do you think Holly is at fault in any way because apparently Brooke had mentioned on a group date far earlier that she did want to have a big family. So Brooke's issue was like, hey, Holly, you know, way back on that group date when I did

say I wanted to have a big family, why didn't you raise that as a concern because you only want to have you know one kid if any kids at all okay i think that that is one that probably could have come up a bit earlier yes definitely but you know this has been a recurrent theme of this whole season is that some of these very pivotal conversations were not had like the where are we going to live with david chat only happened recently as well you know so where are we happening really late too late too late but the thing with i think with with holly the big clincher and the thing that got brooke really upset was that she wasn't willing to compromise on where she was gonna live she was like i will happily move to melbourne i can see myself living in melbourne

but i cannot see myself living in perth who the fuck wants to live in perth sorry to everyone who lives in i mean there's lots of people who live in perth it's a beautiful place it's beautiful i love perth just kidding i want to go to rotten ass island when we can get back over there i'm just just playing silly buggers love you guys in perth no matt's just dirty because like perth won't have us we're locked here they don't want anything to do with us yeah that's right wa you guys are like shut down it's easier to go to like new york than it is to go to perth right now yeah they're their own country they've separated anyway i love you perth one thing that brooke does continuously stress is that she really wants someone who is going to compromise for her

and meet her halfway so she was on the other floor and you were from wa and you needed to go home to sydney i just know that i would compromise but i just want to know that in a relationship you're willing to even just like meet me halfway so what she's trying to say is we're going to live in Adelaide. You laughed at that joke a lot more. It was terrible. When I said it during the actual episode. It was funnier when it happened at the time.

I love that you're really trying to force out a laugh for me though. Thank you. I want to be in a relationship with someone who's supportive and I will always support your jokes, win draw or lose. Don't you worry. There was pain in your eyes when I saw that laugh get pushed out of your mouth. Thank you. Do you know who else had some pain?

Wait, because Adelaide is in the middle between Perth and Sydney. Do you get it? Is it? Pretty much. Not like exactly, but I thought that was a lot funnier in my head. I liked it. It was good. It was good.

Do you know who else had pain in their eyes? Holly. Holly is devastated. Focus, Matthew. Because Adelaide is, if you look at the map, it's a city that would be almost in the middle of Australia. If only you had been there to referee the date and you could have said to them,

hey guys, I've got a great idea, why don't you move to Adelaide? It's a fucking great place to live and the real estate is still reasonably cheap and affordable there. Very good real estate in Adelaide. Great real estate in Adelaide. I was actually looking there the other night. I was like, that's the only place in Australia we can afford. McLarenvale.

Wine region. I love wine. But instead, Brooke cracks it. She storms off. The way that Brooke was talking, there was a lot of anger there. I thought she was handling the situation in a way that was, I don't know, maybe a little bit more immature compared to Holly. I don't know if immature is the fair way of saying about it.

It was obviously reaction because she was hurt. but I do think in this instance like you've almost as like when you're the lead person like when you were the bachelor I remember it being drilled into us that like you didn't really want to say anything that conflicted with what you wanted you know like if you said you wanted three kids you kind of felt like you had to say that you wanted three kids otherwise you were jeopardizing your chance or if you you know everything that you wanted in your long-term life goals it felt like everything had to match up and it didn't really feel like as a contestant that I was able to say anything that would allow for compromise it felt like I had to just be like a yes person

to your wishes no but in saying that you know I was always very vocal about the fact that I wanted to have kids quite soon and you were always someone who said oh you know maybe a few years down the track I said six years yeah and I was pregnant like a year and a half later yes there we go well i don't know if that's a compromise holly did make a point she said it's not compromised when it becomes sacrifice amen yes i feel that in my body this was honestly this was such a heartbreaking episode or end of the episode to watch it was very monumental for the bachelor as well because we didn't go then to a rose ceremony it really became obvious that the issues that brooke and holly were facing were insurmountable so instead of taking it to the

rose ceremony in order to let Holly go. Brooke on the date. That was where it ended. Brooke said goodbye to Holly and it was truly a heartbreaking moment. Saying I feel sad just makes it sound silly and like devastated. It's not how I pictured any of this ending. Oh my gosh. It was pretty sad. Yeah, it was sad. But the way that Holly saw this ending was the two of them pirouetting out of there.

It didn't happen. i'm just getting you back for my adelaide joke all right final episode let's do this i mean was there anybody honestly was there anybody out there at all who thought that jamie lee was actually going to win this thing okay i loved from the get-go i love brooke and david together they are a beautiful couple i will sing it from the rooftops but the finale of this episode was honestly the most obvious I think we have ever seen. What about my season? Do you think we were that obvious? No I don't know well yeah I think we were. I think we were pretty obvious. I don't think there's anybody out there right now who honestly watched that finale episode and thought

that Jamie Lee could actually be in with a chance to end up with Brooke. Or do you think that some people were like it's so obvious that it therefore has to be Jamie Lee because they're obviously trying to trick us the producer is trying to mind fuck us again yeah but no i think the real problem here is is that brooke is never going to get a job on home and away everything that she was thinking or feeling it is written all over her face and she's obsessed with david she's not obsessed like in a good way like she's really bloody into him and when you like are so obviously in love with someone i mean i'm not saying that she wasn't i'm sure she had very strong feelings for jamie lee and really liked i think she really likes jamie lee as a friend yeah for sure as a friend

But I don't think there was anything deeper than that. You know, last time you were saying, I'll eat my own shit if it's not Holly. Just to remind you one last time. I do think that it was meant to be Holly and David as one, two. Oh. And I think that. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought you meant Holly and Jimmy.

I thought we were going back that far. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, wrong Holly. Very confusing. I don't think. Bless her cotton socks, Jamie Lee, who I think is just so lovely, superb. I do not think she was ever in the running to be number two. I think she was like number three or four.

So you think that Jamie Lee was actually meant to be number three and Holly would have been taken to number two if there hadn't been that cataclysmic differences that they couldn't overcome. Scandalous. If it wasn't for Holly saying, I hate kids, and then she hates everybody from Western Australia, then she would have been number two.

Yeah, right. I actually think that that could potentially be the case. Laura, I'm an oracle. okay oh apparently i also think that jamie lee's story was set up with almost too much jeopardy like there was too many issues around their connection or why it hadn't progressed and it was to the detriment of i think the audience being invested in them as a couple whereas you look at brooke and david and literally from the very first episode from the very first date which was david was the first date oh my god david was the first day he got the first impression rose

as well wow yeah he really was it was a one-trick pony this entire thing wasn't it but i i think even from that very first date Brooke was so into it she cried on the first date happy tears if that's not a sign of them being together I don't know what is yeah but I feel like the producers I feel like it was a weirdly edited season like I don't think we saw enough of any of the relationships with multiple contestants yeah I agree I think that there wasn't enough of like the actual characters not the characters like who is that person like who is David why did we only just find out he's a landscaper and you know has all these interesting things going on in Brisbane I don't feel like I know these people let's get into the meeting the family but it wasn't the

family on this final episode it was one of Brooke's very good friends Amy and also Bachelor of Royalty Abby Chatfield I went English just then didn't I a little bit Bachelor of Royalty it's Abby Chatfield yeah that's I was like oh gosh I've gone a bit English can you come back to being a bit normal. Let's continue, Dame, with episode 12 of The Bachelor finale. I still think it's episode 11. Okay, now let's talk about the fact that... You've got English.

Now let's talk about the fact that it was so obvious to Abby and Amy that it was David as well, that they had this strong connection. She was jerking him off on the couch. Okay, a little bit too far. They were definitely very cosy. Jess wants to go I've never seen Brooke like that there is obviously chemistry there they are into each other that was borderline awkward so Abby Chatfield and also Amy they've been brought in to grill the contestants and Amy

seems to be the one doing all of the grilling and she wants to kind of get to know what does David know about Brooke's heritage or culture and it turns out that well I mean jumping ahead But it turns out that neither David or Jamie Lee know a lot about Brooke's Indigenous heritage. Yeah, but Amy, I found, went a little bit soft on David. Obviously, the fact that David and Brooke have only known each other for a short period of time, whereas Jamie Lee, they've got that back history. What is it, like two, three, two or three years they've been friends? Three years.

I mean, their season was three years ago. But I feel like he got, if you're going to talk about a grilling, I feel like his was like a rare. Like it was just a little bit seared on the outside. I don't even think it was even seared. Literally, like, I don't think he copped it at all. I reckon that they knew. I reckon both Abby and Amy were like, oh, yeah, David's the winner. Let's not go too hard on him.

Whereas Jamie Lee, they were like, hey, Jamie Lee, you're nothing. You're pathetic. What's your favorite color, Jamie Lee? And she's like, um, it's pink. And they were like, that's gross. You're disgusting. Get out of here. Brooke's favorite color is blue and you will never be a good match.

No, it wasn't that bad. But look, I mean, Jamie Lee got asked the same questions around what is Brooke's culture? what is Brooke's heritage and she was held to a different set of standards there was a lot more grilling going on in this situation yeah I don't know enough I guess yeah okay it's concerning to me for you to say that you feel like you're across some but I would consider like a basic piece of information is knowing whose land you're on this is a core part of who Brooke is this isn't just something she's passionate about it's her identity telling me that you're across things when you're not having anything to offer after asserting that you know a lot

just runs red flags for me. Poor Jamie Lee. I do feel sorry for her. I felt sorry for her almost every single time. She's had one-on-one time with Brooke. But also I understand this feeling of like you really want to, you want the person's friends or family. Like I remember when I met your family for the first time in Thailand.

You just are so desperate for them to like you. You were quite desperate. I remember yeah I could smell it on you so could my family you just want you want to be lied you want them to accept you and I and I feel sorry that Jamie Lee I think that she kind of wanted to impress Amy so much that she was like yeah I know I know these things and then obviously didn't know them and I and I just Amy makes some very valid points Jamie Lee should know this about Brooke if they've been friends for so long but I do feel sorry for her her becoming a bit unraveled in this moment yeah but you know what she has the first single date and okay look I'm gonna be

honest here the single date sucked did it suck they were on e-bikes no electric mountain bikes they were in a helicopter first you were just on your phone no the helicopter was like a split second they were they rode bikes on their final date that's it what this is like a best friend date this come on come on Laura get on board you're right it's a absolutely a best friend date when you're riding on separate bikes it doesn't really allow for much intimacy and if you had to choice like if you're going to choose your dates and be like who am I going to have the date with if you because okay I'm going to jump ahead here guys but like she did a tantric sex class with David and she rode a bike with Jamie Lee which meant that she didn't have to touch

Jamie Lee because they were on separate bikes and then she literally mounted David and they were grinding each other for about 90% of their date. So I am making the call. I'm going to make a very big statement here. I don't know anything for fact, but I'm going to say going into those dates, Brooke knew who she wanted to choose. Ah, for sure. Brooke decides what they do for that final date. She sure does. It's up to her. So she's like, yeah, what's that? Tantric sex. All right, david you're up david get in the sex swing hang on lawn bowls oh jamie lee you're up like come on jamie lee does take it to the next step she does tell brooke that she's completely in love with her which means absolutely nothing because brooke's about to choose david but anyway let's get into

david's day all right now we're going into david's date the tantric sex date although there's one crucial thing missing hearing the word tantric my mind goes straight to sex but I know

we won't be having sex so I'm intrigued as to what we will actually be doing imagine how horny

David must be after not having any kind of sex for three months any kind of sex well as I was

saying that I'm like I'm sure he was masturbating quite a lot in the mansion but it's so unfair and also to make things a little bit more intense for him,

they make him take his shirt off. Do you reckon people masturbate in the mansion? Like, because you're in shared rooms. No, everyone masturbates in the shower. Yeah, but, like, we would have showers with all the other girls in the bathroom because there's only two bathrooms, so you'd have to all get ready in the same room. So we just would, like, stick a towel over the door.

The door was glass. We would have to put a towel over the door so that we could shower so that people couldn't see in. But there was, like, ten girls in the room doing their hair and makeup at the same time. Yeah, I guess guys and girls are very different. You were just masturbating in front of each other. Just be like, goodnight, Jim.

Goodnight. That's how it went down. I'm so sorry to anyone who suffers with ASMR. That would have been really confronting. Talk about confronting. We've got poor David here who hasn't ejaculated in three months with his shirt off. We've got this old granny yoga teacher who specialises in tantric sex. I mean, this is a high-pressure situation.

You know, gently take the tongue to the roof of the mouth and close the eyes. This is the breath or part of the breath we use to pull up the ejaculation through the body. And then when you're breathing out, imagine it coming out the crown of the head. Oh, dear. Imagine ejaculation coming out the roof of your head

because the build-up is just so immense. That's how you feel. It almost would have happened. That's like, that's exactly how I feel right now. Anyway, once again, David and Brooke are beautiful. They're beautiful and they're going to have beautiful babies together. And this date was just another little, just a little reminder that it was going to be David at the finish line.

All right. So the next part of the date is the intimacy scene. And this is where David, who had been holding back a little bit, you know, he had that. The ejaculation. Yeah. this is where he finally ejaculated all over everybody on set brooke included cameramen audio guys producers it was a scene wasn't it can you blame him and this old grandma tantric sex yoga teacher was there clapping in the background going that's how you do it

good work darvin yeah wow it was really confronting also he he also said any minor details but he also said I love you he did finally after a little bit of sage advice from Abby Chatfield which was that he shouldn't hold out saying I love you as like the carrot in case he is the person at the end he just needs to put all his cards on the table and the big thing was though they had a voxie where they were speaking to Brooke afterwards on camera and at that point she admitted that she loved David as well why did they put that in there so unnecessary didn't need it also it just made me think i honestly for a second when she was like i'm in love as well i was like are we just gonna end the episode here like is it gonna be like the episode prior where there wasn't a

rose ceremony and did they just walked holly out i was like is this how the show is finishing and jamie lee's there at the finale spot being like um osha anybody why are there no cameras well it Turns out even Osher was as over it as what everybody else was. Hey, Brooke. Hi, Osher. How are you? I'm okay. And even Osher is so over it right now.

He's so fucking over it. You know when someone's trying to feign interest? Brooke's there and she's pouring her heart out and Osher's like, yeah, God, I've been doing this for way too long. Way too long. I don't care anymore. Brooke says a whole lot of lovely things about how she's found the one. Then it's time for Jamie Lee to get out of the limousine

and have her heart ripped out and trampled on. But can I just say, Jamie Lee was all class. Yeah, she was, wasn't she? She was amazing. Because I think she knew it wasn't going to be her, so she had plenty of time to prepare a speech. But honestly, she was propping Brooke up. Brooke was obviously getting visibly upset.

It's so hard to break someone's heart. and Jamie Lee was comforting Brooke in that moment as well. I think it was really, it was really special and I do think that Jamie Lee was just honestly such a class act. Yeah, look, credit to her. She handled it like a champion. I don't know what to say. I feel lucky to have had this chance with you

and what we had was beautiful. i don't know it's okay thank you thank you ah and now laura it's time for beautiful david and brooke to confess their love to one another i cry every time i'm such a sucker for this shit i love it so much i do and i'm so happy that there to you who are looking at me like shut up it was i just love it i love the love okay i do think they are going to be a great couple they seem very well suited for one another it was quite emotional i would have liked a little bit more emotion from david if i'm honest brooke was making

up for the fact that he didn't give much by by being super emotional but obviously you know it's been a long journey. Three seasons of The Bachelor, Bachelor in Paradise, now The Bachelorette. Obviously, it was a lot to take in for her. One thing that so many people notice, and if you noticed, then you're in the know. And if you didn't, then you're in the know. There was chlamydia on set and very hard to pick up. Bad. Sometimes it's asymptomatic. Which I noticed it. A few viewers noticed it.

And it seems like you did as well, Laura. Who had chlamydia? Osha. Osha gave it to a few of the other contestants. Apparently they were sharing water bottles. That is how you catch chlamydia. It's through water bottles. Yeah.

Shame. Ruined a good season. Chlamydia outbreak. Where the fuck are you going with this? I don't know. Okay. No more seltzer. for you. Give me it back. All right. The one thing I wanted to mention is, did anybody see

Brooke's eyelash? Yes, the eyelash. Yes, yes, yes, I did actually. I noticed it. There was, unsurprisingly, there was a lot of crying. A lot of eye rubbing. And a lot of eye rubbing. But every so often it looked like Brooke was putting her hands into her face to cover her eyes from crying. But actually she was trying to re-stick her eyelashes back on because her eyelashes had unglued there was even one point where she was like kind of like putting on a bit of a cry i mean like oh my gosh and she was rubbing her eye but trying to fix on the eyelash and then david grabbed her and embraced her and was like it's all right honey bring it in but as he embraced her she her hands were like squished against her so she couldn't get the eyelash anymore

it was all i could see do you know what was so shocking about this ending is the fact that like Normally the endings just are done in one take. They don't actually – well, I don't know if it's like this all the time, but for Matt and I, our ending was one take. That was it. They didn't reshoot any of it. It was a one-hit wonder. Brooke's was obviously done in two takes because there was a part there

where she had eyelashes, and then all of a sudden at the end, the fake eyelashes were gone. She'd ripped them off, and there she was with naked eyes. But then a split second later, they're back. The poor makeup artist would have been having an anxiety attack. Like, go in there and reattach them. It's like, just take them off and leave them off. Just leave them off.

Don't put them back on unless they chopped and changed it maybe in the editing. Also, we're really sorry that the eyelashes have detracted away from the most important thing of this whole season and that is that Brooke Blurton has found her man and they are very happy. the Persian landscaping prince, and they're going to ride off into the sunset on a magic carpet. Apparently.

Or a magic lawnmower. A magic lawnmower? Maybe. That's all you had? That's all I had. Yeah, it's no chlamydia joke, is it? It's been a long day for both Laura and myself. Matty J's been hungover all day.

All day, and we've run out of food, and I have no more seltzer left. It's a dire situation right now. I heard a rumour. Heard a rumour that apparently David has already moved in with Brooke. He is currently living down in Melbourne. That is huge because he was the one who had so many things to sacrifice in Brisbane. A dog. He had a dog.

Well, and he owns a house and he has a business up there and his whole family is up there. He was the one who was making so many sacrifices to move. But David did post a photo and in his caption he said that he is the one making the big move to Melbourne. also do you reckon that was a bit of a like fu to holly no okay all right just i'm just asking the question no one's that bitter who's like when you're when you're finally with the person you're not like six weeks later being like hey fu to number two no one's doing that yeah okay maybe it's just me and my petty little mind anyway our heart is broken for jamie lee we hope that she is i mean it must be so difficult to watch that back we hope that she is doing okay in all of

this but that is every one of us guys that is bat chat uncut finished thank goodness wow we're grateful to everybody who stuck it through to the finish line and joined us on that wild ride we're sorry that we had a few episodes late and you know for anything else that we did that was inappropriate we did pretty well considering considering what considering we've got chlamydia outbreaks left right and center we're battling covid we've got two kids jesus it's a miracle we made it through this season unscathed. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of you.

And I'm proud of all of the listeners out there for persevering through this. It almost broke us. But it didn't. It didn't. We just come back stronger, baby. Will we come back? I know at the end of every season we always say,

ooh, guys, we might not come back. This might be the last time you hear from us. I think this is the last one. But I think this is the last time. It's been a lot of fun. We may, we may, and not to tease this one out, we have... Let's do Married at First Sight. Fuck it.

we're coming in hot baby we'll see you in a couple of weeks i'm there trying to like do the sexy floor play with the listeners being like maybe i'll come back maybe i won maybe you'll never see me again and matt is so ready to do maths the issue with maths currently pre-cum rolling down my forehead the issue with maths is that it's like four nights a week that's like that's a lot of bloody tv to watch i know we'll have to just watch the recaps and recap the recaps anyway guys that are you kidding me are you kidding me we hope we hope that you have loved this season of batched on cart matthew johnson i have loved every moment of being in your company that's a lie i will eat my own shit for dessert yeah actually we've got to get your shit out of

your bottom you gotta start eating it let's get this show on the road so on that note If you have enjoyed listening, please leave a review and tell your sister, tell your dog, tell your uncle, tell your neighbour, tell the butcher as well. And tell the guy down the road to share the love because... Quiet because kids are asleep. We love love. Phenomenal. Cheers, honey.

I love you. I love you. Let's replay that tantric sex date, shall we?