Life Uncut - BACHETTE UNCUT - Salsa, self care and some fresh meat

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

It’s another episode of Bachette Uncut brought to you by the gasiest of couples - Matty J and Laura (this joke will make sense when you hear the start of the ep). The show kicks off with Holly dancing her way into a single date with Brooke where they literally…. dance the whole time. NO MORE DANCING HOLLY! They have a beautiful honest conversation about sexuality and identity, which is topped off with a rose and kiss. Just before Holly can break out the Samba one last time - it’s time for the group date!As per all group dates of late, it’s a weird mix of whatever the prop department has laying around channel 10. This week is a jumping castle compatibility game complete with ropes, love hearts and scissors. It’s seriously a miracle that everyone made it out of this date alive. Emily was crowned most compatible, which proves these games are a total waste of time. Not a whole lot happens at the cocktail party except for Darrrrvid getting a kiss that went on for 10 min - yes this actually happened. Ep 4 saw everyone’s favourite contestant finally get a single date - that’s right it’s the hunk a spunk Konrad! They have a pamper date organised, which just involves Konrad taking his clothes off and being rubbed in oil on a massage table (well played Brooke). They kiss and cry (happy tears) and kiss and cry and kiss.. then cry.. followed by some more kissing and crying. To be honest, I’ve never seen a couple kiss and cry so much on a date but I’m not complaining - it’s beautiful.The group date is a go-kart race that involves folding Osher’s washing and organising his Christmas decorations. I swear we’re not making this up! Carissa wins because she’s a pro at untangling fairy lights but all she gets is a friendship peck from Brooke. Awkies! Just when we were starting to learn everyone’s name, production decided to throw in intruders - four of them! All the OG’s freak out and turn on Osher as they begin looting the mansion - they only stop when police are called to break up rioting (this last part is made up).See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Is it weird that I am so comfortable sitting here in my own bedroom in a room that is filled with not only my fart but your fart as well? We're ruminating in the farts. And I love it. I'm just, you know, it makes me really, really happy. I'm glad. The bar's set pretty low. It doesn't help that the sun is beaming into the room right now.

It's so hot. We are baking in sunlight and farts. So we are cooking in a combination of two people's farts. We're marinating in manure. We're going to grow a little bit though. When I go for a coffee later, people are going to be like, what has that guy been doing? He's homeless.

Smells like horse shit. That man's homeless. Let's do it. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of That Chat Uncut. I'm here with my favourite man, the man of the hour, the man of my dreams. Keep going, keep going. What else have you got? The man with big biceps, the man with great hair, the man with very smelly farts, Matthew Johnson. That is so rich for you to...

Rich like the smell of your farts. To be fair, they've not been that bad lately. No, mine have been pretty bad though. Anyway. You have been very gassy. Interesting that when you fart as well, you have to cock a leg up. You can't just fart sitting in any position. Well, I don't have as much tone on my butt cheeks as I used to.

Now that they're a bit softer, I have to kind of make room. Anyway, that is not how we're going to start this episode. Well, it is. But we're going to – you can only go up from here. Start at the bottom, literally, and now we're going to lift the bar. higher. And we're going to recap episode three and four of The Bachelorette. I know that that might be a surprise to some of you, probably not to anyone who listened to last week's episode though. Okay. But before we go into the recaps, I have a little story to tell you, Laura.

And have you been saving this? Like, do I not know this story or have you been specifically saving this for the pod? No, I did. I saved it for the pod. I did. I haven't told you it yet. And what have you done? Well, actually it's not me that's done something. It's somebody else. So I've been speaking to a guy in a professional sense. So we're, no, so I was speaking to this guy, he runs a marketing agency. We're speaking about business and we've transitioned from talking on email to talking on WhatsApp. It's just a bit easier going back and forth. And I was outside playing with Marley and my phone went off and I had a message from

him and I checked it and it was a video. and then very quickly, because he must have seen, you know when you get a message on WhatsApp and then if you see it, the tick goes green, I think when you've opened it. It means that, yeah, the person's seen it. But you can unsend a message on WhatsApp now. I don't know if you can.

You absolutely can. I do it all the time. Okay, well, this guy didn't know that because straight away he messaged saying, ignore, ignore, wrong person, like quite like rapid fire messages saying, you know, don't open the video, just delete it, wrong person, let's move on.

Do you know this person at all or is it just like a totally professional relationship? So totally professional, you know, up until now, all the conversation has been on email as in like, hi, Mr. X, hope you've been well, as per our last discussion, so on and so forth. So very, very professional. We are not in any way like throwing bants at each other. But anyway, this video that he is frantically telling me not to watch and delete. Like, of course you're going to watch it. Of course.

No one's ever going to delete something that they're told to delete. And it starts off quite innocently enough. You know, it's just someone talking to camera about going deep sea diving. And it then progresses into a full-on porno. Wait, how does the progression take place? Like, how does it go from a guy sitting, like, is he sitting in a chair talking about deep sea diving? I need you to set the scene, literally. I think the person who has edited this video together has obviously taken two clips.

So it doesn't like merge into a porno. It's not sometimes when you watch those pornos and they do like a set up and it's like knock on the door, the person comes over. It's not like a – No, not at all. It doesn't then like, you know, someone comes in being like, oh, you look like you're quite tense. Let me help you relax.

No, it starts off with this guy. I'll let you see my sea anemone. That was terrible. But he's talking about the pressure of deep sea diving and then all of a sudden it just cuts to this porno. and we're talking like fists and hands and it's very graphic. I'm not going to show you the video because I know you will freak out. How graphic?

You said fists first. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. So I was sent a full-on fisting porno by this guy and he said, this is for another Matt, I'm so sorry. And I was like, what do I do here? I mean, I could be offended, I mean, but. Well, you're like, why not for me? Who's to say I'm not into this?

Well, I sent him a message and I said, if you have any more, I'd like to see them as well, please. And he seemed, he called me and he seemed very, very relieved that I took it well, because it's not something you see every day with someone that you're talking to in a business sense. Wow. So, okay. I don't know.

I mean, I'm partly confused that you say that story specifically to tell me on the podcast. And the reason why I wanted to tell you is because I obviously deleted the video, but then I just thought in case you accidentally go into my phone, you delete something, you have to go into my deleted messages and all of a sudden you see the fisting porno. There's been a few times I've gone into your deleted photos and thought, I don't know why. I mean, I know why you deleted it, but I don't know why you had it in the first place. It's people sending me their porno accidentally, Laura. Absolutely. You're such an innocent victim in all this. You didn't ask for it.

I'm just here trying to do my business, be professional, and all I get day in, day out is fisting pornos. I did not expect that that was how we were going to start today's episode, but now that we're here, I'm glad. And if anybody has any fisting pornos and they want to send it to me, please go ahead. Matt's number is 0402. Okay, all right.

On that note, let's get into the recapping of Episode 3 and 4 of The Bachelorette. Is there anybody still watching? We're only at episode three and the ratings might suggest other lies. You know, it really surprises me though. I didn't think it was going to be a huge success similar to what we saw ratings-wise with like Sam Frost's season. But I think they were as low, this episode three was as low as 250,000 viewers, which is, it's the lowest they've had across the franchise for both Bachelorette, Bachelor and Batch in Paradise.

I mean, look, we're still invested. We're still here. We hope you're still here with us. But it's crazy. But RBT, RBT beat The Bachelorette. Oh, no. Like, come on. What is happening?

What is going on? You're in a real dire state when RBT beats you, aren't you? Do like RBT, though. It's not bad. Maybe we should recap a couple episodes of RBT. Moving forward. But also, I mean, like, look, we said it on last week's episode. It's amazing that they have changed the format of the contestants,

as in, like, you know, obviously there is bisexual casting, there is far more diversity. but the actual structure of the whole thing hasn't changed. It's the same formula. And so if people are a bit tired of Batch, well, I mean, you know, throwing in a few interesting characters because of their sexual preferences doesn't really change people's interest in the actual show, I don't think. I mean, at least that's what we're seeing.

But anyway, let's get into episode three. Brooke has her first single date with our dancer, Holly. And I get the feeling, I don't know what it is, but they just seem to be a little, like, what's the word I'm looking for? Is it nervous? I think it's nervous. You make me nervous. I'm sorry.

My bad. You're nervous. I just naturally maybe get a little bit more nervous with girls. You actually do make me nervous. Brooke said that I make her nervous, which is quite ironic because I feel the same way. And you're nervous. I was nervous.

I was actually really nervous to see you. Laura, I actually counted how many times it was said and I've clocked up 326 nervouses. Actually, I got 327, so I think you're wrong on that one. It was a lot. It was a lot of nervous. I hope that in that car ride, because, like, obviously, Brooke, if you will, I mean, maybe not obviously, maybe you haven't watched it

and you're just relying on us to recap it for you. Sorry if that's the case. Brooke picked Holly up. They're in a car. They're driving to a location. Surely they talked about something else in that whole time apart from what's been taken. Like the 327 times that the word nervous was used,

Surely there was something else in there that could have been. Oh, 100%. Why? I don't know. Maybe the editor was nervous. Okay, so they get out of the car, they get to location. And for a second there, I think I'm watching Dancing with the Stars. It's your mate.

It's Jared. And Jared was, he was actually one of the professional dancers on Dancing with the Stars, All Stars, which I happened to be on that season last year. No big deal. I came sixth. Very good at the samba. Top score was 42.

Jared is a very good dancer, though. He's a very good dancer, and so is Holly. Dancing is a huge part of my life. I've been dancing since I was about five. Considering that Holly has been dancing for pretty much her entire life, I do think it's an interesting shout to take her to a beginner's class. No, well, at least, Laura, this is now going to combat those nerves, because if there's one thing that Holly has done a lot of this show so far,

it's dancing. I think every time she's been on camera, Holly's like, well, it's time for a waltz, isn't it? It's Chess Girl all over again. Poor Jay and the chess, and now we've got Holly and the dancing. To the point where it's like a rose ceremony and they pan across everyone looking stressed. In the background, she's just there with maracas,

doing a jig, the YMCA. But also it does feel a little bit one-trick pony, doesn't it? Like it's a bit one-dimensional. I feel like there's more to Holly that we haven't seen yet. After we see the dancing, which, hey, I thought they were a little bit out of time. The two-step was a little bit slow. I mean, this is coming from a dancing master here.

I mean, I was a little bit disappointed, that is all. Gave them a 6 out of 10 for their dancing. But they had their intimate time afterwards. And look, there was nothing wrong at all with their, what we call, intimate time. It was very pleasant, very nice. Holly seems lovely. But I just think I wasn't feeling it in my loins. I wasn't getting a sense of there being much of a spark between the two of them.

They had a really important conversation. like they talked about their own sexuality they talked about pansexuality and their identities and it was a really big and powerful moment for The Bachelor like for me watching that I was like wow this is this is not something I have ever seen before from this franchise and that is is something that I think is really important definitely important conversations it's great that it's being had but I don't think that's translating to being this amazing relationship with his fireworks whenever they're together like the kiss was nice but you know I wasn't sitting there going oh my goodness it's funny because when i see brooke and darvin i'm like yes like i they're like

and then they're in it and she's crying all the time and then they love each other and then i'm like oh it's just a bit pleasant with holly like i don't quite i don't get the same intensity of chemistry we all know chemistry lies and it's a real bitch and come back and bite you in the ass but i don't get the same level of intensity when it comes to the connection between holly and brooke and i know that like not everyone agrees with matt and i i was on the facebook group and on the thread and people were loving it totally and it's very 50 50 on there i think 50 of people were like yes it is going to be holly at the end and the other 50 were a bit like oh that's lovely but i think there is one thing that we can all agree on and what is that holly really does like

dancing i'm sure that this is not the last we've seen of it to be honest now let's get into the group date the group date was it was a bit of a mishmash let's be real there was a jumping castle It was a compatibility test. There were some scissors. Osher's beautiful hair. Okay, the first part of this date was, I don't know how you describe it other than it was. A jumping castle. Thank you, Laura.

It was a jumping castle. You are so helpful at times. We saw one at Monkey Mania when we took Molly there the other week. Oh, no, I remember. Except, okay, so it's one versus one. You're on bungee cord. You run to the center. There's a love heart cushion.

It did make me feel like it was a little bit of Squid Games going on. Why did you feel like there were squid games going on? I'm sitting here flossing my teeth at the same time. I'm going to stop. Because you talk about the fact that the Jumping Castle was at Monkey Mania. It's very childlike. Squid games, the games they were playing were very childlike. Obviously, at the end of squid games, people were getting shot in the head,

which didn't happen on The Bachelorette, but it felt a little bit reminiscent of squid games. More like adults doing juvenile childish games. Yeah, but thankfully, nobody was killed and nobody was shot. Well, it is a 7.30pm time slot. You know what would make this season a little bit more exciting and it may help with the ratings? What?

Death. Instead of people not getting a rose, you get shot. Well, I mean, that's where we're at now. Squid Games has set the bar so high. Like, I'm desensitised to TV. I don't feel anything anymore. It needs to be instead of, sorry, you didn't receive a rose. It's just Osher going around shooting.

Osher with a magnum going up to people and going, I'm so sorry, it's time for you to leave. This is not funny. We're not laughing. We're not laughing at this as though it's real on reality TV. We're laughing at it as though it's a Squid Games, in which case it's fine because that's fiction. Everyone remember.

So the compatibility test was, it was kind of weird. There was eight contestants. They then had bits of string attached to a love heart and they asked questions about compatibility. If you got it right, you then got to cut the string of somebody else. And everybody hated David. Everyone wanted to get David out of there as quickly as they could. Well, it's because he's the winner and everyone can smell it on him.

You can smell a winner from a mile away. And then there's just a target on his back. I think after last week, it was pretty obvious that Brooke and David have an awesome connection and everybody else is feeling that. So yeah, unfortunately, that's what happens when you get the first date as well. It's a first date curse. Well, David gets the snip. Then they knock each other off one by one.

Really interesting, though, is the questions around finance. So many questions around finance. Curious if this episode was brought to you by like Citibank or something. It's not like The Bachelor or Bachelorette to try and shoehorn in there some sponsored messaging. But what is the question about like Brooke's finances? And she loves an Excel spreadsheet. She loves it. I also love an Excel spreadsheet.

I know. I find it so strange. I can relate. I wish I had that level of organization in my life. I wouldn't be so poor. Well, look, if you didn't get a parking fine every single day, Laura, then we wouldn't be poor. Also, if I was more organised, we also wouldn't get parking fines every day

because I'd remember where I parked the car and that it's one-hour parking. That's right. At the front of the house. But who won this one? It was Emily. It was Emily. Emily got the overtime. She got a rose.

But we didn't see any of it. To be honest, I feel like there was definitely more to that. However, they did want to lead us to believe that maybe there could be something more. Maybe something could be brewing here. Emily, congratulations. You win a rose from Roe. Emily played a great game and I'm keen to get to know her more.

So with compatibility on track, like who knows where this could go. Well, spoiler alert, Emily goes home on the next episode. So clearly it didn't go anywhere. Although she did come into the cocktail party very excited. Can I sit with you? Hello. Do you know what I think is missing from these cocktail parties? Anything exciting?

We need a villain. There's no villain. And I know that everyone says we don't want a villain, we just want the love, but that's an absolute lie. I know. You know what we're missing? We're missing Sierra. We need a bit of, like, sleepy chlamydia in here.

A koala in a tree. Can we please, if there's intruders, bring back Sierra? I miss Sierra. I miss her like a lovable villain. and I agree with you every single year people like oh enough with the drama enough with like the like the bitchiness and the this and I'm not saying I don't want bitchiness but the bitchiness is a bit too much but you need a bit of drama you need like a lovable villain or even just like a decent narrator I think this season at the moment is lacking that one standout character that like

is really funny to narrate like you know in our season it was Tara in last season it was Sierra you need that person who is just really fucking funny and holds those little grabs in between the big moments. Yeah, I've always been the person to say, I just want it to be a beautiful love story. And then all of a sudden two people are opening up to each other, kissing, and I'm like, hmm. We're like going to get snacks.

Ah, babe, what's in the fridge? Literally, literally, everyone thinks they want no drama, but that's what we need at the front end of the series. And we're not getting any of it, and I think that's what's missing. Although, before this episode ended, we did get a pretty good kiss. And a lot of people think that David is going to win this series. I wasn't totally on board until, until Laura, this kiss at the cocktail party. Oof.

Oof. Look, I love David and Brooke, but I felt like I was inside their mouth. Yeah, me too. And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Matt whips out the video from the deleted file. Yeah. He's just sitting there on the couch with a dude getting fisted. Hey.

Wow, that went really dark really quickly. No, the kiss was, it was a beautiful kiss. You guys know David is my pick. But the music. Can we talk about the goddamn music for a second? I just want to play for you just a little grab of the new music that they're playing during the kissing. Oh, wait, sorry.

That's just the video. That was in my WhatsApp. This is the actual soundtrack. okay so darvin and brooke kiss for at least 10 minutes of that episode and i know because i fast forward it after a while i was like i feel damp like i not do not invite me in like that laura burn not turned on i meant like because i felt like i was inside their mouth imagine if people would say like if they were feeling very horny like oh god i'm so damp right now what do they say i'm wet yeah moist no one says i'm moist i say it all

of time. Yeah, that's why we don't have sex very often. Oh, I'm moist. I'm like, oh God. I am so damp and mouldy right now. After the 10 minutes of kissing and literally no talking whatsoever, Brooke tells David how much she enjoyed spending

time with him. I always love talking to David. You guys didn't say anything. I didn't speak. You were like, hey, how are you? For 10 minutes. And she was like, God, I love speaking to that guy he's great good conversations I do want to say in this episode where the hell was Jamie Lee where was anybody like I'm okay this is one thing that I think maybe is also adding to my fatigue

with this episode I found this episode particularly boring like I'm I think we've already driven that message home but I'm just gonna say it again in case you weren't aware episode three kind of sucked but I think it was because half of the characters were missing like where was Conrad on this episode. Where the hell was Conrad? That is the big question. If I don't get any Conrad in the next couple of episodes, I'm checking out completely.

Well, you already know we've got some Conrad in the next one. We've already seen them. We're recapping both. Don't pretend. Don't try and leave a bit of mystery when you know exactly what's coming up. Okay. Yeah. Full confession, Conrad is coming up the next single day.

Thank God for Matty J. Who went home in this episode? I've already forgotten. Good, so have you. Okay, somebody whose name we don't remember went home. Glad you guys rely on us for some reliable recaps. Episode number four. This was a bit better.

I like this episode. Mate, I've got so much time for Conrad. He's got to be, all right, I'm going to say this. I'm going to say this big call. He is my favourite contestant ever on The Bachelorette. You were on The Bachelorette. he is my second an evil cackle that came from me thank you for reminding me laura he he's incredible he's incredible he's handsome he's sensitive he's got good personality he's always

laughing he's funny he's just the complete package i think i mean look at me i'm six foot two a hundred kilos and I'm getting like a little strong girl. I'm doing it! Mate, do you reckon he's really a hundred kilos? You know, like you're like very perceptive when it comes to men's weights, heights,

how much they work out. I don't reckon he's a hundred kilos. He's very thin. Look at the guy. No, he's not. That is a man you can climb with your thighs. Go for it, Brooke. I'm six foot one and a half. How many kilos are you? I'm about eighty, eighty-two kilos.

you puds so so there is no way that he's gonna weigh 18 more kilos than me i mean he i reckon if we we're gonna run into him at a party one day or at an event i mean that's a lie we don't go to any events or parties because we're parents but if we did i think you would see him and be like wow i get it now you're like i will climb him as well yeah conrad if you're listening i'd stay away from eddie j because he will absolutely climb you like a tree laura hold my shoes i'm jumping aboard. So Conrad and Brooke, they actually have a really, really beautiful date. And I am kind of feeling nervous about my David pick now. I get it, Matt. I get it. I'm also a little bit in love with Conrad now too. Conrad, I'll also climb you like a tree. Last week I came in really hard with

the whole David chat and I was feeling very strong and very cocky, but Conrad has grown on me. I really like Conrad now. I kind of, I'm going to bring him into my top three fold. He's my number one. He's your number one. He's number one for sure. Yeah, I know. I'm feeling a little bit less certain than what I was feeling last week. Brooke has a really special date organized for Conrad, one that she's not sure if he'll be into, but it's something that's really important to her. Self-care is a big thing that I have in my life. I think it's really important for you to do, like emotionally, physically, mentally. And I thought today we could do a bit of a pamper day. little self-care i love that brooke is a little unsure if conrad's going to enjoy a pamper day

but the guy highlights his hair he also came with his nails done the guy is well and truly versed in a pamper day for the first part of a single date they're going to be giving each other a little massage how does that feel baby um lower how does that feel baby i'm so glad i got to use that grab if anyone's curious that absolutely was not the bachelor but it was kind of the same thing really so conrad lays down looking all buff man mountain and then brooke is the one to give conrad a massage okay i feel sorry for conrad in this situation because conrad just wants to lay there close his eyes relax unwind and get some of those knots rubbed out of his back i'm sure that's not the only thing he wants to get rubbed out

Laura! Before we go into a record, you always say, I don't want too much sexual innuendo, let's keep this PG. Yes, because we can't both do them. It'd be just me potty mouth central over here. I'm the inappropriate one. Yes, you absolutely are. You absolutely are.

I haven't had enough wines today to be the inappropriate one. I haven't had any. It's lunchtime. I'm sober. It's terrible. It's a terrible affliction. I've got to parent my own kids after this. Oh, God.

Okay, let's talk about the kiss. Between Conrad and Brooke. Oh, I know. I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to lose. Did you see that part? There was a section like midway through one of their kisses where he did this little move and I was just like, holy damn, that is special. He like bit her lip.

He bit her lip. Yes, I saw it. Like, man, that's good. It was a little, wasn't it? All we did on The Bachelor was clink teeth. Yeah, actually we did. We smacked teeth twice. This guy's incredible.

and he's so incredible he's making her cry brooke has cried on every date though like let's be real she's cried a lot so no no i don't think she's cried on holly's date oh okay well she's cried on more dates than she hasn't so when they come back from their dates it's not the question of did you get a rose did you get a kiss did you make brooke cry did you cry she didn't cry well good i'm still in with a chance also conrad and brooke had a really really awesome intimate moment like their intimacy scene the thing i really liked about the intimacy scene is that you really felt like they were having a good conversation I do I mean it's hard because when you're in that environment you can have a connection with someone like I know that watching back on some of our

episodes like we had some great conversations and those conversations didn't necessarily make the cut of the edit so it's not to say that Holly and Darva didn't have great conversations but what we've seen of the way that Conrad and Brooke communicate has been pretty special I think like them both in tears and I don't know just it felt like they were actually speaking the whole time it wasn't so much just like the giddy giggling which sometimes can be like the bigger part of the conversation they really connected I think a lot of the chat initially on date one is always like what are you looking for and like why do you think you're still single it's just all that top line standard chat these guys took it to another layer it was deep deeper than I've ever been

before. You do love Conrad. I fucking love Conrad so much. I really hope he doesn't disappoint me. Should I be more worried about you following Conrad on Instagram now? I haven't given him a follow, but Conrad, if you're listening. I'm going to slide into his DMs. Slide into my DMs, maybe just like a photo, any photo at all. Or a video. It'd mean a lot. Yeah. Anyway, that's getting weird, but let's jump into the group day. Okay. I think Conrad's going to win. No, I don't. It's still David, but Conrad's going to be a close second. No, I know what's happening.

I've got it. What? Conrad's number three, Holly's number two, David's number one. That's it. It's just clicked. It was weird watching that happen right now. Yeah. It was just like the rain man.

Although, wait, wait, wait. Where's Jamie Lee? Where's she floating around in the nether? No, Jamie Lee's gone. She's out of the mix. She's number four. Yeah, four or five. Jamie Lee's four.

She's going to make it. She's going to get pipped just before hometowns. Wow, I'm having a real existential crisis right now. Your eyes have lit up like nothing else. It's like you've seen a ghost. I'm having a premonition. So, David is number one, Holly number two, Conrad. You heard it here first, people.

This is my oracle. Laura's eyes just roll back into her head, sort of foaming at the mouth, and she goes, oh, David's number one. That's exactly what it's like when we have sex as well. Anyway, into the group date. So, the group date of episode four, they go go-karting. But before they do go go-karting, I just love how The Bachelor has really mastered the art of subtle, subliminal advertising. I mean, I think that maybe Mitsubishi Hybrid is a sponsor of this episode, but it's done with such nuance, you almost wouldn't be able to tell.

How good's this, guys? So much room! God, is that even on? It's so quiet. Actually? Yeah, it's a hybrid. So they rock up at the entertainment quarter, and today they're going to be go-karting. And Osh is there, of course, ready to tell us all what the date is about. Brooke, when it comes to cars, what kind of cars do you like to drive?

I dead set thought she was going to say a Mitsubishi Hybrid. I was like, oh my, come on. Surprisingly, she didn't. She said she likes fast cars. Poor Emily can't even drive a car. She's out with a chance. And then they have to pair off into partners. I can't remember who anybody partnered with except for Emily.

No one picked Emily. I'm pretty sure of these people in the group date, I can only remember Emily's name and Carissa and Travis is Travis there I like that we're doing this whilst we're recording we're trying to spitball it Carissa so everybody is partnered off unfortunately for Emily since she can't drive nobody chooses her which is absolutely unsurprising she does get partnered with Brooke though so that is like a nice little sweetener for being rejected by everybody else and Osher stands there and explains to everybody what they're actually going to be doing.

So it's this go-kart household work chore relay. In between sets of laps, you will fold the laundry. Do it. Easy. I'm very domesticated. You'll then finally untangle the fairy lights. So Osher just brings in all of his dirty laundry, and this group date is that everyone's going to sort

and clean it for him. He's just making them do all his odd jobs around the house. He's like, if you can also go through my receipts and sort my tax out, that'd be great. It's perfect. And, okay, the thing that the contestants don't know is that it's not about who wins. It's not about how fast or how hard you go or how deep you go. Stop with the deep.

Stop using that word. Or how thick it is. Oh, my gosh. Who have you become? No, EJ is flushing. He's blushing over here. This podcast brings out such a weird sexual side of your personality. It's being sit in front of this phallic microphone and you for too long, Maddie J.

Okay, basically the winner. It's not who wins the race. It's not who does the task the best. It's the character you show whilst competing. Yeah, it's the person who's the nicest, most loving, kind person whilst doing Osher's laundry. I actually thought Carissa, who wins, when we saw her on the red carpet, I thought she was going to do quite well. But she has just always been in the back, in the shadows, lurking. Hasn't really done a whole lot.

I mean, I wouldn't say she's lurking. She's not like peeking through the blinds. She's just very quiet and reserved. And unfortunately, in that environment, if you're very quiet and reserved, and I think as well, like she seems like a real introvert. It can be so hard to get time when there's so many big personalities in the house. And who would have thought that helping somebody out in a competition to untangle some fairy lights would get you a single date?

I know on last season, we talked about how some of the group dates were a bit spotlight-esque. This is particularly spotlight-esque. Imagine getting some tangled fairy lights and being like, cool, this is a multi-million dollar show. That's how much it costs to create this. We've got fairy lights for this day

and a go-kart. The art department has literally been laid off because there's no money. And so the bachelor contestants are now just styling the show and like wrapping up old light. Next group date, you'll be cleaning champagne flutes

and packing up the furniture. Do you know how they'll package that up? they'll say it's like moving house it's it's what you do when you move in together how do you pack and unpack furniture it's the next step in the relationship oh far out Carissa gets the extra time in the day she is so excited I've been waiting for this moment for so long Carissa it's been two weeks you have been in the house literally I reckon it's probably not even I reckon it's like a week and a half I've been waiting for this moment for so long there's only been three dates We're only on episode four.

Oh, give her a break. She's been very excited. But yeah, it has been like literally eight nights so far. Unfortunately, though, the extra time was a bit of a fizzer. It kind of went. Well, it's always tough when there's no spark with somebody. You know, there's nothing you can do to try and make a relationship work. But that's kind of where the conversation went, where Carissa was like, hey, like, what can I do?

What can I do? She didn't say explicitly, what can I do to make you like me? But that was kind of like what she was implying. Yeah, and it's really hard, isn't it? Especially when you're in that environment where so many people have such obvious, clear connections and they just click straight away. When you see someone or when you meet the bachelor or the bachelorette and you're like, oh, there is something there,

and then you get a bit more time together and you're like, holy shit, maybe it isn't there or you're not receiving it back. Like maybe Carissa, it is for her. Actually, obviously it's there for her because she really started to panic in that cocktail party and like I think for her it's there but she's not getting that vibe back from Brooke and that sent her into an absolute meltdown mode when you compare the kiss with David Holly and Conrad to her measly little peck which was like how you would peck your grandma you know you're in a lot of trouble even Jamie Lee's as well like I mean she's actually

kissed a few people so far but Carissa's was just really lacking luster and I think that would have been super disappointing for Carissa too because you know it's one thing to go into the house and be like oh yeah we got a kiss I got a rose but there's a kiss and then there's a kiss then there's a Conrad kiss Conrad was like how many times did you bite her lip none sorry Carissa your head is in the chopping block so the thing that makes episode number four such a good episode oh did I like it is that we had some intruders four intruders four people came into the house and four people went home. And look, I'm going to say that the original contestants,

they weren't really feeling too good about the whole situation. It's always the case, even though they've been there for, what is it, eight or nine days, there's such a sense of this is my turf, ain't nobody coming in. So these new people that are arriving, they are just met with absolute daggers. Imagine if it was intruders. Stop, I'm just, my heart is beating.

Stomach falls out my butt I do hate it when my stomach falls out of my ass I mean I also hate it It really doesn't smell good You just tried to drop one before We were going to edit it out You were looking at your notes You weren't paying attention

I thought it was going to be silent It popped out It was not silent And you pay me out about cocking a leg You even cocked a leg to drop that one We're sitting guys Just so you know This is how close we are

We're fine with farting in front of each other We're sitting in our room. It is so hot in here because the sun has been beaming through the window. Because Matt's got his shirt off. And Matt is dropping some really, really interesting smells in this room. It's a lot. Anyway. Let's talk about the intruders.

Let's go from top to bottom. Number one, Millie. Let's talk about the intruders. We have four of them, starting with Millie, who I think is quite nice. She's a gym manager, but look, as lovely as she is, she seems very pleasant. I don't think she has a chance at all. I disagree. I think Millie and Lucas, the two, the top and the bottom of the intruders.

Luca, Laura. Shit. I wrote down Lucas Hottie is what I wrote down in my notes. So, Luca, Hottie. I reckon those two we're going to see a bit more from. Millie and Luca. Okay, there was also Will. He was very tall, had a moustache.

That's all we know about Will. We skipped that bit. That was it. And there's also, there's another girl. She didn't have much airtime. But, yeah, two highlights. Millie, gym manager, Luca. And Jess is the other girl.

You obviously forgot her name. She gave Brooke her house key. Yeah, stage five. Stage five, got to watch out for that. Brooke, be concerned. So I think Millie and Luca, we're going to see more of them coming up. And, you know, I do definitely think – Well, hang on a second.

You paid me out for trying to, like, play coy about what's coming up next. We know that Luca gets the next single date. No, I didn't. Oh, did he? Yeah. I didn't watch that bit. I went to the toilet. No, because I thought you were being like, oh, and like I think my premonitions are coming in.

I'm seeing something. Oh, it's Luca. I'm seeing Luca and many episodes to come. I didn't realize. I honestly, I stopped watching at the end there. I stopped watching at the rose ceremony. You are such a fraud. Okay.

All right. Sorry about that, guys. So Millie and Luca. Millie's pleasant. She's lovely. Luca, I know we said we didn't have a villain. Obviously production were like, we need a fucking villain because things are getting boring.

And in comes Luca. They would have just injected him with extra testosterone because he comes in swinging his balls around like no one else. Like literally sits down, puts his balls in everyone's face and he's like, smell that. You smell that? I'm a man. My name's Luca.

I do jujitsu. Where's Brooke? He also does something very interesting at the cocktail party. He interrupts twice. Like, interrupting a conversation once, so fine. Everything's fair game. But he interrupts twice. Much to Carissa's dismay as well.

Carissa has a rose. She's safe. But she's having a stage five meltdown. Because she had the grandma peck. But she's still got a rose. She's still safe for at least one more rose ceremony. But she's lost the plot. Luca is just sending everyone bloody insane.

And for a second there, I think even Holly loses the plot. She thinks she's on an episode of Survivor. An alliance has formed here on this couch tonight, people. What's that? An alliance has been formed on this couch. She's like, we need to vote out Luca. And you're like, that's not how this show works, Holly. Holly's in the corner just eating beans and rice.

Trying to make a shelter. With an immunity idol. Thank God I'm safe. Anyway, guys, fast forward to the rose ceremony. It's been a long two episodes. Carissa is still literally standing to the side, to the right, with a rose. She's fine. And this is what she has to say about it.

I'm not feeling good about tonight at all. Carissa, you have a rose. The only other highlight from this rose ceremony is obviously all originals go home. So four people who were the original cast. The original cast. Sounds like it's a reunion of friends. Four of the originals go home. Jamie Lee is the last one chosen and she was she sorry you went to the toilet

so Jamie Lee's left there and she's the very last person who gets a rose and she looks heartbroken she really looks devastated I'm worried about Jamie Lee I really am I I don't understand there has to be more to it because I know that obviously it was so early on the first rose ceremony like the very first cocktail party when she had the kiss but like it would not make sense for her to go home without a single date without there being more context to her story you can't go from you can't pass your mate say you've had feelings for her and then send her home without a single date it's just weird that would be very confusing but i think it would be a case of do you remember on the honey badgers season who was the girl who had hooked up with him prior cass but she made

it right to the end yeah but she had to wait so long for her first date because it's almost like she wasn't a priority because they'd already had time together and i think that's what's happening with jamie lee is the fact that she's just going to put her on the back burner go through everybody else because she kind of already knows that jamie lee is like a given she will get a date but i i think it will almost work to her detriment the fact that she has that existing relationship with her yeah but i also feel sorry for jamie lee because it would fully derail her she would have come in feeling so strong so confident like yeah i got the first makeout and now she's getting the last rose like what has she done wrong to deserve the last rose i know and then now you've got big

balls luca coming in swinging around just swinging that big old hairy people around that was a weird weird visual image anyway guys is this your bed not anymore all right it's as weird for you as it is for us that's probably it from us i reckon let's get out here oh wait should we tell you who went home oh yeah i can't i can't remember i'll be honest it was jessica emily matt the rapper oh matt the rapper and becky oh no idea who becky is becky is the one who kind of looks like the chick from maths no still nothing sorry sorry about that guys yeah i'm sure you're all lovely yeah didn't get enough air time yeah gotta get your balls out next time yeah okay that is it so if you have been enjoying these episodes of bat chat uncut

We would absolutely love it if you would head on to Apple Podcasts and slide in a cheeky little review. Give us your honest thoughts. We can take it no matter what it is. Speaking of honest thoughts, can I just read you a review that we received after our last Batch Uncut? Oh, God, what does it say? It's a one star.

Oh, God, is it about me? It's about me. Okay, great. Go on. Continue. It's okay. You can tell Laura is cold as fuck. I feel for her, man, big time.

She is weird and has jealous, ruthless vibes. Fair. Maddie J, blink twice. Actually, don't blink twice. No one can see anyway. Wow. That is incredible. Who was that?

Is that Brit? Who's it from? Brittany Hockley. I don't know, but I'm sorry. Just blink twice if you need to be saved. It's okay. No one can see you blinking. Please help me.

If you're hearing this, come to Bondi. I've got Matt Hogtide to the bed. Anyway, guys, that is it from us. We hope that you've loved the episode. We will be back on Tuesday with our normal episode. And if you haven't followed the Facebook page, jump on. It's Life Uncut Discussion Group.

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