Life Uncut - BACHETTE UNCUT - We are back baby!

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

WE ARE BACK BABY and it’s BACH-ETTE UNCUT TIME!After the mild success that was Bach Uncut last season with our Kinky Captain, a few of you wanted to hear us squabble our way through this season of the Bachelorette. Matty J is back behind the microphone and Laura is back behind a glass of wine!It is a Bachelorette world first...history making stuff! Australia’s sweetheart Brooke Blurton our very first bisexual, Indigenous lead takes her third shot at love! Episode one kicks off with a traumatic walk down memory lane where the Honey Badger is thrust back onto our screens and to be honest, Australia wasn’t ready for this yet. But Bachi makes up for this with the most heart warming Welcome To Country and who the hell is cutting onions!! Next up it’s time to bring in the suitors! Matt has picked Konrad to win and Laura thinks it’s going to be Darvid… ONLY TIME WILL TELL! Episode one sees some drama over an IKEA chair, and well we all know what a b*tch flat pack can be in a relationship. Some guy goes home. We can’t remember his name. Episode 2: Our Persian Pirate prince Darvid gets the first single date, and he scores himself a big old sloppy kiss and a rose. And in true Bach form the first group date is the illusive group photo shoot and it did not disappoint.The cocktail gets a little spicy and Beautiful Beau goes home. We just hope the producers made him delete his camera roll before he left the mansion.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, hello, hello. I'm back. Actually, I'm here every bloody week. Who would have thought, Laura Byrne? I can't wait to fight with you on this record. You and me sitting here together, microphones in hand, also wine in hand for you, which is no major surprise, really. Should we do an intro? Let's do the intro. Hi guys, and welcome back to What You've All Been Missing, What You've All Been Wanting. God knows why.

And it's Maddie J, because we're here and it is Bachelorette. It's Bachelet Uncut. Is that what we're calling it this season? Let's call it Bachelet Uncut. That makes sense. All right. Welcome back to Bachelet Uncut. I am here with your favourite host, Matty J.

Oh God, I'm back and it's good to have some purpose in my life, to be honest. I mean, you've been pretty busy. Yeah, I have. I have. I've had a lot going on since we last did Batch Uncut. I mean, I'm thinking back, I got a new pair of socks. I bought a fry pan online and... Well, it hasn't arrived yet. I just haven't seen you use it. No, it hasn't arrived yet. And I did some weeding.

I did a bit of weeding in the garden last week as well. So that's my life. Do you know what? There's one thing that Matt does like to do every day, which I'm just going to throw him under the bus here a little bit. He likes to stand in front of the mirror every morning and also every evening. It's a twice daily ritual now. And flex his muscles and then say, hey, baby, touch that.

Look how hard it is. Do you think I've gotten bigger? That's what he does every day. Excuse me. Is there anyone out there who can understand this? No, don't make it seem like I'm such an egotistical prick. I did it once. What?

Did it once, maybe twice, maybe three times at the most. Twice today. I can't help it that I look amazing at the moment. I've been doing some push-ups, okay? Let me love myself. The one thing Matt has been doing a lot of during lockdown in Sydney is he has been working out and he is looking sizable. I'll let you all in on a little secret.

I thought you were going to say that it was the fact that I get you a coffee every single morning or the fact that I do the washing every single day or the fact that I do the dishwasher and the kitchen every single day. When was the last time you emptied a bin, Laura? To be fair, he's not lying. He's actually pretty good around the house. And the one thing you choose to point out is the fact that I look at myself in the mirror and ask you to touch me.

Clearly, you don't feel appreciated. Maybe that's what we're getting to right now. Well, once again, it's been an excellent therapy session for us. Nothing like these Batch Uncut. Look, you know, when we started Batch Uncut last season and we unpacked Jimmy and Holly's, we didn't know what we were doing. And we got to the end of it. We still didn't really know what we were doing.

But the reason why we started doing it during lockdown was because, well, let's be real, we had nothing else to do. And now this season with Brooke and we're out of lockdown, it occurred to Matt and myself that we're parents and we still basically never leave the house. So we thought, why not do this and unpack Batchet Uncut? Well, yeah, lockdown ended and we still haven't gone out. We've not done anything differently.

Life is very much the same as in lockdown. So we're like, hey, we may as well. But also the great feedback that we had. Obviously, we wouldn't have done it if we didn't feel like people were enjoying it. So to everyone who reached out and said, we are loving it. Thank you so much. We're doing this for you. Yeah, there was literally at least 10 people who were really stoked.

So, you know, guys, cheers. We're back and here we go. Shall we get into episode one? Can I just say, don't you think this season feels very different? Obviously, we know it's different for the obvious reasons. Here we are, Captain Obvious. It's the first bisexual Indigenous lead and Matt's like, there's something, I can't put my finger on it.

There's something about this feels particularly unusual. Osher, did he get a haircut? No, but do you know what I mean? Obviously, there are the obvious. Yeah, there's guys and girls in the house. It's wild, guys. For the first time globally for the franchise. But isn't it nice just to have everyone so excited about the Bachelor franchise?

You know, the last few seasons, I feel like the audience numbers have been dwindling and people have been complaining a little bit. And for the first time, it feels like everyone is just so pumped, myself included. Well, I also think after last season, like as much as we, I mean, we recapped it, We loved watching it and we got super invested in it. But to be fair, I think there weren't that many Australians who were as invested in it as what we were. And as we all know, if you were following the ratings,

it kind of didn't do as well as what some of the other previous seasons have done. And I think so much the franchise needed a shake-up. For years, people have been calling for diversity. People have been asking for Bachelor to change it up because it's so, not that it's scripted. We know it's not scripted, but it's so formulaic. Yes. Love it when we answer each other's sentences.

It's so cute. But it really is. It's so formulaic. And also the problem with it being formulaic is that it becomes pretty fucking obvious who's going to win at the end. Who do you think is going to win? Well, let's go into – actually, let's – No, let's just put it on the table right now and do the winner, who we think the winner is going to be. And then we'll unpack the episodes and then we'll say our top three at the end.

I love that we've prepared how this is going to go. The names that we say won't mean anything to anybody who hasn't watched the show. So I'm really hoping that everyone listening has already seen the first two episodes. But my pick, from the moment I saw him, I thought he is absolutely gorgeous. He's also a little bit trendy as well. I see a lot of myself in this person. Oh, God. Except I'm really crap with building anything.

And I don't have blonde hair. I've got brown hair. But Conrad, okay? Conrad is my pick to win the show. No. I reckon Conrad's like a number three, baby. What? Yeah.

And we all know how good you are at picking the winners. I am going to go with the Darvid, Darvid, the Persian prince. No, you're not pronouncing it right. Darvid. No, Darvid. Darvid. It's going to be Darvid, everybody. He's Irish now.

He's the Persian Irish prince. Anyway, let's get into unpacking episode numero uno. So we kick it off. We are introduced, as Matt said, the big thing about this season is that this is in Bachelor history worldwide throughout all the years there has never been a bisexual bachelorette and obviously i mean it was still a pretty safe bet for the bachelor franchise picking brooke because she is such an australian sweetheart everybody already loves her and it is the choice that everybody has been pushing for so we can't be more excited to watch this whole season play out

do you think that channel 10 were like oh yeah probably we probably should have given this to brooke a couple years ago 100 like she's a freaking great lead and how excited like you okay I'm now I'm just repeating things you already said like how excited everyone is that they're finally doing this but I also think at the same time she is just so perfectly cast for this role like the lead up like backstory with Nick the backstory with Bachelor in Paradise like we needed that heartbreak to fully get behind her and kind of like the whole community the all of Australia is kind of rallied around Brooke on her quest for love but when the episode started it was almost as if they had to give some kind of a trigger warning because we were met with

our old favourite, the Honey Badger. Mate, it was a traumatising way to start off the first episode, wasn't it? And genuinely thought that I was going to be the girl at the end. Our connection just kept growing, but then everything changed. Look, I think it's just too soon to rehash the whole Nick not choosing anybody on national TV. I feel like it's always going to be too soon. Maybe because I also speak to Brittany every day

That's just too fucking soon Oh god And then Bachelor in Paradise Like the poor girl She's really had a run so far with the Batch franchise She's really putting all her eggs in the one basket I totally forgot that she was in Bachelor in Paradise That like that almost was erased from my memory

Until I saw her with Alex Nation on the small screen again Do you think Alex Nation is watching this show right now going Can't believe I rejected Brooke for Bill Bill, the guy from the dog park Remember him? I wonder what he's doing now. Well, I think Alex Nation is doing okay for herself now. She just had a baby and she has just gotten engaged.

I reckon she's pretty happy she's not. Do you think there's a little part of herself where she's kind of like, made the wrong call back then, didn't I? Yeah, but you've got to live through these lessons. You've got to make the mistakes to find your penguin. And now she's happy and she's had a baby. So I think Alex Nation's doing okay. But this isn't Alex Nation's love story.

Let's get back to Brooke. We've done the honey badger. We've lived through that trauma. Everybody's already feeling a little bit emotionally fragile after that. Then we have Australia Bachelor First. We have a Welcome to Country. And I'm sorry, if you were able to watch that without crying, you are a psychopath and you need to go and get some psychiatric help

because every single person, I was crying, Matt was crying, Lola was crying, but she's always crying. It was a lot in our house. No, it was a nice, a nice nod to her heritage. And, you know, it was great, great online, seeing the positive reaction from everyone who watches the show to something like this it was really beautiful honestly I think it was one of the most like memorable and momentous things I've ever seen happen on The Bachelor and like like we were

saying this whole idea that The Bachelor can be so formulaic it can follow this very scripted patterned sort of editing and that this was just such a beautiful and necessary part of this story I'm so glad that they embraced it fully and I just think exactly what Brooke said like for Indigenous people to be able to see themselves represented in that way just shows how much the world is changing amazing anyway let's get into the red carpet now it's time for what i think is my favorite part of the entire season it doesn't get any better than this it's time for the red carpet i think that's a pretty big call like go hard and then it just peters out what about the ending what about the finale obviously finale is good and everything in the middle but

the red carpet there's no heartbreak you know it's all happiness and some awkward moments and that's what i love it's kind of like a like a horse showing or something where they have the horses come around with the numbers and you're like oh that one's good oh that's got a shiny coat oh it's a few crackers short of a picnic how many of those type of events have you actually been to i went to the easter show once laura's like yes oh number 14 that's very good oh bring back 15 here he is yes okay but the big thing about the red carpet as well is like they don't actually would you prefer it if all the contestants came out with a number yeah just a number We don't know their names.

A vest on. And there's three men in the background with a little notepad just judging them. Brooke's standing in the front. Best on show. Okay. So the funny thing, though, about the red carpet as well is, like, we all know the standouts.

You know that whoever gets, like, a bit more extra time, like, they're the standouts from the show. People who get wrapped up in that montage, that we've been in the middle, whose names don't even really kind of come up on the screen, like, you know that they're either going home first, second, or third episode. Hey, hey, hey. Let's just cast our minds back to The Bachelorette.

I was the montage guy. No, you weren't. I was the montage guy. That's such a lie. You had a breakout bit in the montage because Georgia Love said you seemed arrogant or something. You had your hands in the pocket. I was on the screen for about three seconds.

So to anyone watching, you can almost like guarantee that the montage people, they're nothing. They're just a bit of fodder, a bit of filler. But every now and then, a montage person will make it through to the end. Okay, but we can guarantee that a montage person never wins. And Matty J, you were testament to that, my montage friend. You were definitely not a montage person in my episode. Can we take one second to talk about Brooke's dress?

Now, Brooke is so beautiful. She looked so stunning. But I have a question for everybody. And I really spent a bit of time thinking about this. How the hell do you go to the toilet when you're wearing a dress that essentially is three times the size? The skirt was as wide as she is tall. How do you go to the toilet when you're wearing gloves and a dress like this? Would you have to, like, would that zip, like, undone?

Do you think, would the designers make a dress like that with practicality in mind? What, so the skirt comes off and it turns into a leotard? Yeah, and then you can just, like, whip that to the side and psss. Or just take one glove off and Michael Jackson it. Or is it like, I don't know, maybe someone just brings out a bucket and they're like. That would be very unbachelorette. Hang on, put a pause in the limousines, bring the piss bucket out. Although I will never forget the time, and unfortunately I won't ever let Ellie Miles

forget it either, where she told an accidentally unfiltered story on our podcast and she had done a poo in a Chinese takeaway container. So you know what, Brooke would not be the first bachelorette to do her business in a bucket. Anyway, guys, let's get into the non-montage people, the people who actually got a little bit of airtime. We're kicking it off with Holly. Holly, beautiful red dress.

mentioned that she was a dancer and pretty much got straight into that as soon as she met Brooke. They didn't even have too much of a conversation. It was like, hey, I'm Holly, I'm Brooke, lovely to meet you. And then Holly was just like, come here, embrace me. And they had what looked like a nice dance, but let's not forget that when that took place on the night, there would have been absolutely no music whatsoever

and it would have been just the two of them face-to-face embracing in silence. Why are you speaking so staccato? Because it would have been awkward. I know. I'm just – because in those moments, when they start filming, they literally – everyone's on radio and they will say to everybody, like, shut the hell up. We are now recording.

No one's allowed to speak. So it is – it's dead silent on set. And so when you have a moment like that, any tiny little noise, like a camera guy going, you hear everything. Like if someone goes, like, you hear it. Did you do a fart on the red carpet? I'm sure I would have. At some point.

It's a long night. When you're the lead, you don't care. You're like, whatever. It's a long night. But also, okay, what Matt is describing, in case you didn't quite get that, is that any time that there's dancing on the screen, any time that there's any sort of a couple doing – I like that I was about to describe what dancing is to you all.

Any time that there is – Dancing is two people moving with certain moves in motion to music. Okay. Any time that they're dancing on screen in The Bachelor, you can guarantee that there was actually no music because it's then it's then really difficult for them to record the music at the same time and then overlay all the twinkly music so holly and brooke would have been slow dancing to absolute silence which i think on a very first meet is a rather intimidating thing to do with someone like there's nothing there to kind of buffer you you're right

up close you're breathing on each other bring it in yeah i don't know but let's not forget the fact that this is filmed in winter so it would have been really cold that night so when Brooke was saying I felt really comfortable what she really meant is it was just nice to have some body warmth with another person and I saw a lot of chatter in our Facebook group and people were like it's gotta be Holly like Holly's gonna be the one what I don't know I wasn't did they say that yeah a lot of people are putting their their bets on Holly but I don't know I wasn't feeling it just yet let's see how things progress okay I think she'll be top four top three okay we're doing in the tops later okay sorry would you jump in ahead top four let's talk about david no you're

not you're not pronouncing the r correctly it's david so he's a pirate okay i'm diagred we've got a cup of tea david is the persian prince in case anyone missed it david is my pick he is my winning horse he is my i was gonna say italian stallion he's definitely not that he's my persian stallion i like him he also came really prepared most people come with a gimmick like one gimmick and David was like, I'm going to really hitch my bets and I'm going to come with three. Yeah, so David arrived on a lawnmower, but at the back of the lawnmower, he had a little Persian tea set

and then in addition to that, he also had a magic lamp. I was like, what doesn't David have carrying with him right now? I mean, we've got to love a landscaper who likes a cuppa and is in touch with his emotions. I mean, I just thought he was just starting to lie a little bit, you know. I didn't think he was being very honest. Well, come on. He's saying it's a magic lamp.

Come on, mate. There's no such thing as a magic lamp. Don't lie to Brooke. Mate, it's not a good place to start starting your relationship off with a lie. Well, I wonder what her three wishes were. Do you know what? I'm going to put money on the fact that that's going to pop up in a date somewhere down the line. Oh, do you think?

Because I'm a genie in a bottle. You've got to rub me the right way. It's just Darvin and, like, a little tassel number. He's like, for my fourth act. So the next guy that comes out of the limousine is, look, he's probably the most problematic and weirdly I also really like him from an entertainment factor. However, I kind of dislike him at the same time

and I'm sure everybody feels the same. It is Beau. It is the self-proclaimed Beau the Beauty. And Beau tries to give Brooke a pet name in literally the first four seconds and it is just as cringeworthy as it sounds. Brooke? Yes. Or what I would like to call you?

Phoebe. And then Beau continues to be even more creepy with his sexual innuendos. Well, some would say I'm a jack of all trades. Beautiful. Others would say I'm great with my hands. Oh, my God, Beau. Like, there's one every season. And unfortunately, here he is.

He's come in number three. Yeah, look, not impressed. Not impressed with the photo shoot. It was a bit questionable. Also, a little bit objectifying. Going to put it out there. Let's not tarnish Beau early on. He could be able to redeem himself.

Damn, lovely. I have my own personal stash of photos already. Okay, there's absolutely no chance that Beau is redeeming himself. And after a trifecta of absolutely deplorable behaviour on the red carpet, I would be surprised if he sticks around for very long. Brooke is a very smart girl and she's not going to keep him in the house. But do you know what I love is the fact that everyone watching this is like, gosh, that's a bit of a train wreck entrance.

And then Beau to himself is like, yep, she probably loves me already. But also on that, like, I'm going to absolutely not say surely most men because we all know that there are a lot of men who validate bad behaviour. But, like, come on. You cannot say that you're going to keep a stash of photos for your private collection. Honey, holy shit. This is a female demographic audience that watches this show.

Pull your head out of your butthole. What girl is going to hear that and go, oh, my gosh, that is so sweet. Thank you so much. He has a whole photo album of photos of me that I didn't really want him to take. It's really cute. I think he loves me. Okay, next up we have Carissa. And this is the first time we hear that wifey music as she steps out,

as that foot leaves the limousine and makes contact with the floor. This beautiful, swirling, emotional music is playing. And this is me thinking, all right, this is the girl who could be number one. And Carissa has the most beautiful story. I mean it's heartbreaking but at the same time it's it's beautiful she speaks about how her parents passed away and how after her mum passed away she started to see rainbows and that's become like a real symbol of optimism and a symbol for her that's kind of set her on the right path it was a super intense story to be telling someone when you very first met them but

I do get the feeling that Brooke is very spiritual and very interconnected with her feelings so it seemed like it was received really, really well. I think for me personally, if someone straight off the bat was like, hey, my parents who passed away have pushed me in this direction, I would feel an immense amount of pressure around that conversation. But then it did kind of turn a little bit comical because Carissa had drawn Brooke a picture. A turtle. Do you know what I thought at first? I misheard her and I thought she said, I've drawn a portrait of you. So I thought it was going to be a picture of Brooke and then Brooke unravels it and the turtle pops up and I was like that's that's a pretty bad picture but don't get me wrong like and we shouldn't laugh

it's it's a beautiful sentiment it's it's actually such a beautiful gift it's just the fact that she keeps reiterating she's like I am not an artist I'm just gonna make it really clear one more time I am not an artist but it's a rainbow turtle and it's meant to be a symbolism of the LGBTQI community and it has a really beautiful meaning behind it it was just more like the unveiling it was just more the unveiling that i think kind of took a turn and i love the fact that she said synchronicity yeah did anyone else realize that and now now i'm i'm not sure okay yeah is like is she correct synchronicity synchronicity well she's a she's a psychiatrist she's real smart guys So, on two separate occasions in the first episode, Carissa said synchronicity.

And I don't want to be that grimy dickhead, but is it wrong? I don't know. Excuse me, Carissa. That's not how you say it. Dear Carissa, you actually pronounce it synchronicity. But I think, I think synchronicity aside, I think Carissa, I think she's going to be a top three. I think we have good synchronicity. We have the best synchronicity.

All right. Now it's time for Maddie J's favourite boy, and that is Conrad, who rocks up in some high viz with an Ikea flat pack, ready to really test the relationship. Everybody knows that there is nothing more testing and trying at the early stages of a relationship than going to Ikea and trying to assemble some flat pack. Ah, I would not wish it upon anybody.

But it seems like everything goes well for them. Brooke's a trooper. She creates a love seat. They make a love seat together. Conrad kind of talks about how it's going to be the start of some beautiful memories. He is the absolute dream. Tell me he is not the most handsome man you've ever seen.

He is 100% a musician and could very well be a fuckboy masquerading as a sensitive guy. Actually, yeah, maybe he's a bit of a Kieran Stott type fellow. Do you think? No, I don't think he's quite a Kieran. Come on, don't put him in that basket. He does remind me of Machine Gun Kelly. True.

He's with Megan Fox. Well, someone from the Facebook group did actually post a photo, which if you guys haven't seen it, I'm going to put it on Instagram on Life Uncut Podcast. He also has very uncanny resemblance to Mr. G from Summer Hinds High. No, no, don't ruin him for me. He's like the hot Mr. G. He's Mr. G in his youth if Mr. G started a punk boy band.

Oh, no. You've absolutely destroyed him for me now. Don't get me wrong. I think Conrad, I reckon he could be a number three. I think he's a goer. I'm not 100% settled on my top three yet, but we'll unpack that at the end. He just seems really cool. I just want to be him.

All right, Dad. Anyway, after that, we then have a montage of people who are definitely going home. It's interesting. Some of them bring brownies, some of them bring cake. I think one guy brought vodka, but we couldn't really see and we didn't spend any time with him. Also, I want to ask, did anyone else notice how there were two people

in each limousine, like they were doing Uber pool? Budget cuts. eight people crammed into the back of a limousine fuck but you know you know that it is literally eight people because the camera person's on the other side there's a producer next to them so there's like five people sitting in this uber that's sitting in this limo why did they put two to a do they always do that they were yeah i was in the car with three others for for my red carpet arrival back in the day i was in the car with three others as well but at the time they never made it seem like there were other people in the car they always made it seem like each person got

their own individual car but now they're like oh fuck it everyone knows we've got no money put two of them in put four of them in we can make this in one trip you know petrol's very expensive now and they drive okay so you guys know i'm going to give you a bit of intel here they have like a van set up at the bottom of the driveway and all the contestants are in the back of a van literally all the contestants are sitting in a bus or they're sitting like in a in a makeshift room like a big tent or they're sitting in some sort of van and the limo comes down the driveway one by one and picks up three contestants the three contestants get into the limo and then the limo drives back up the driveway and it waits there while each person gets out one by one and

then it drives back down it picks up three more people from the tent it's so unglamorous you make it sound like they're transporting livestock here we're back and number 15 they've got great legs and as they're churning through this montage there is one absolute standout who i guess gives us a bit of a showcase of what not to do on the red carpet well hey bat jet it's time to see see if i'm right for you and you're right for me who knows where this journey could go could be a bumpy ride with highs and lows so this is matt matt is the rapper and you know what i'm gonna I'm going to give him one point, one point for his efforts. It's the fact that he has good self-awareness in that I think

that there's one thing that's lacking in the Batch Mansion is a lot of people kind of don't really have that self-awareness and they do and say some ridiculous things. But at least Matt, in retrospect, kind of regretted what he did. I didn't even think I could rap. I don't even think still I can rap. That was just ridiculous. Although that self-awareness probably kicked in just a little bit late,

don't you think? Yeah, look, timing wasn't the best of things. Hey, do you remember Jamie Lee? Do you remember? I don't know why my brain is doing this today, but it is. Do you remember Jamie Lee? Yes. From Honey Badger's season, she was an intruder.

I mean, she wasn't on the season for very long, but yes, I remember her. Yeah, she didn't have the best run, but still she has that connection with Brooke because they're on the same season together. And now, now, Laura Byrne, she's back. Okay, I have a few questions about this situation. I've got a few things I want you all to ponder. How did she get cast? Like how did the producers know one that she would have been interested

in Brooke to get cast? Or were they like, hey, Jamie Lee is also bisexual, so let's check if she wants to be on this season. Like how would they have known? Because I think it's a pretty big stretch to go. Jamie Lee and Brooke are friends. they were on the same season together and they became friends so i think it's a big stretch for producers to reach out to someone and say hey do you actually have the hots for your friend

would jamie lee have reached out to producers i think she would have reached out because if if you remember normally back in the day they wouldn't they wouldn't announce who the lead is the bachelor bachelorette they would ask people to apply without knowing who they're going to be matched with but with brooks season they announced saying hey this is going to be the bachelorette get your ass into gear start applying right now so maybe jamie lee saw that and was like oh my gosh could you imagine it's literally like you cannot write this storyline the producers were like yes come on in jamie lee also one because it all automatically creates conflict in the house because people they feel like they've got an unfair advantage they're like oh jamie lee's

already got this connection it's like it causes that rift great great tv and then secondly to that just this like unrequited love story that potentially could have played out on a previous season I just think it's got all the elements for a very very great storyline however there are a few questions I have that go unanswered when I left the mansion I wrote a little letter for Brooke to this day I've kept a copy of this letter and tonight's the night I get to share those words with her again so I don't want to seem like I'm being really cynical here but okay if you left the show all those years ago and you always had this burning question of like hey was there something there did she like me i think i really liked her there could have been an amazing

relationship that we never got to explore like i'm sure she had a number why didn't she just message her why didn't she just send her a message on instagram like why why did she wait there for so long not knowing not trying to reach out she even had this letter like i know australia posts are really bad with their delivery times right now. They're particularly delayed. But just get in contact. No, I think there's a bigger element here. Like I really like Jamie Lee.

She's so well-spoken. She seems like a really beautiful soul. Like if they end up together, love it. But I think it's probably a case of the fact that they formed a friendship and then, you know, when you're friend-zoned essentially and the girl that you like is kind of in love with a guy and you're on another, I just think there was too many, there were too many barriers for them at that point in time. I guess I'm just, I don't know how she, I want to know how she got on the show.

Jamie Lee, if you're listening to this, just slide onto my DMs. I just want to know, did you get approached? Did you approach them? Let me sleep at night. Answer this for me. Did you send a letter with Australia Post and it never got delivered? I am still waiting on my Amazon order. So it could be caught up with that. The other thing I want to ask you is this little, this little grab, this little morsel for you all to listen to. I remember you giving me that and writing that to me. I still have it. I still have it. If Brooke still has the letter, how is Jamie Lee reading the letter? It's like letter inception. She broke into Brooke's house, got back the letter, packaged it back up, put a ribbon on it.

And I think that's how it, it's all explained. And that's why Brooke's like, I still have that. Along with the photos that Beau still has in his camera. Hey, that's pretty much it. I do want to give a special shout out to, is it Tej? Taj. Tej. I have literally no idea who that is.

She was the girl in the bluey. And why are you giving her a shout out? Like you want to say thanks to her and your mum. If you're listening, big fan over here. No, I really like her. I really like her. I think she's great. She is someone who will be the dark horse, slow burn of the season.

Said it here first. Thank you very much. Why are you giving it? What makes you think that? I just had a feeling. Who is she? I felt it in my waters. Wait, which one is she?

I can't even remember. She has like brownie blonde hair. Is she just super smoking and that's why you want to give her a shout out? No, she's the one. She's the one who helped out Conrad with his love chair later on. So she was an accessory to the love chair. Oh, she put the pillows on the love chair. Yes, yes, yes.

She's not going to be at the end. She was an accessory to the main story. Okay. Maybe she'll be number two, an accessory to the main story. I cannot wait until Tej wins this season. And I will say in your face, Laura Byrne. Is it Taj? Okay.

It's not important. It probably is to her. And she's probably listening to this. Taj, Tej, we're going to check this out and make sure we get it right for next week. Okay. Sorry. So nothing really happens for the rest of the cocktail party, except for the fact that most of the guys are pretty lazy

and none of them really get off their ass to talk to Brooke and it's just all the girls doing all the work here, which is indicative of every experience with a man that I've ever had, to be perfectly honest. Come on, guys. Do us proud. And they all just sit back and do absolutely nothing. It's very interesting, though, that it's only 16 contestants.

I know The Bachelorette is smaller than The Bachelor, but it's really small. Actually, yeah, normally it's like in the 20s. Yeah, I think last season was 19. I mean, I know that because I counted them. But yeah, 16 seems really brief, which makes me think this is only going to run for like six or seven weeks. Interesting.

So yeah, while the women are all chasing Brooke and actually putting in a bit of effort. And the men are talking about the score of the football. They're just standing around the fire. It is a nice fire. They're scared. That's what they are. Men are scared of us powerful women.

Well, yeah. How do you feel, Matty J? Very intimidated. That's why you flex in the mirror every day. Because you're like, I'm a man. I am so strong. Look at me. Yep, yep.

That's what she has to look forward to if she picks a man. Okay, but the real storyline here that was a feature of the show was the fact that Conrad had made this beautiful love chair and he placed the love chair in a very specific spot under a tree, very well lit, love it, super romantic. And he had planned, not just planned, but he had pinky promised with Brooke that he was going to take her back to the love chair

to continue the conversation. And he made this aware to everybody at the cocktail party. It was like a known thing, OK? So you made her a love seat? It is. Just over there, I did. Well, we did, made it together. Oh, nice. Yeah, so...

And, yeah, I think I made it pretty clear with everyone that I thought it would be nice and respectful if everyone let Brooke and I have the first opportunity to use the love seat. Now, this is the drama that no-one saw coming, The unsuspecting drama that comes with making IKEA furniture, and didn't I tell you at the start, fucking flat pack is always the cause of an argument.

It truly is. It's never a good thing. And sometimes you don't even know how that argument's going to present itself, but it's there. It's a bad omen. Yeah, and it comes back to – and no one's ever that happy with flat pack. It comes together, looks barren and sad sitting there in the garden, and then someone else – yeah, it's just –

It won't last. It won't last. Burn it. Burn the chair. Get it off set. remove it okay so now the fucking everything's unraveled over a bloody ikea chair it's weird it's a weird move from jess okay because she what are you doing are you okay

oh my god i just swallowed a mosquito you just spat on our floor oh my gosh i saw that buzzing in front of me and then next thing i took i took a big breath and the breath was so big that the mosquito the mosquito was like oh i just inhaled it oh i'm so sorry oh i thought you just got radical covid you literally matt just spat on our lounge room floor. Not our lounge room, our bedroom. We're in our bedroom. Oh my God. I'm fine. I'm going to get a glass of water. There's no one here to help. Wow. That was cooked.

Sorry about that. The poor mosquito. Poor me. That's why I don't do many podcast episodes. Oh my goodness, my face hurts now. What was I saying? Jess. Yeah, nothing matters anymore. Oh, that got me. Okay, yeah, look, it was a real power move from Jess. Let's compose ourselves.

Pull it together. We've got a whole second episode to get through. It was a real power move from Jess, and I think Jess has solidified herself as a little bit of a villain by doing this. Why do that? like what benefit it's not as if brooke is going to look at that and go oh yeah that's very sexy the way you stole that man's love chair no if anything i think brooke was a little bit like this is weird like this is a weird move from you and and no one likes someone who comes across like

for me that was a real bitchy thing to do and it's a it's undermining someone else's feelings which if you're an empathetic person which i think brooke comes across very much so she comes across really connected with her feelings she comes across as an empath and I think she would see that and go why would you purposely think it's fun to make somebody else feel sad poor little Conrad I just wanted to give him a cuddle he's gonna you know what he's gonna go home and write a song about it that's what he's gonna do and I will buy that song and play it on repeat adversity makes for the best music heartbreak that's where creative freedom comes from I once dated a musician and the only other really exciting thing that happened is we had our first kiss on ep one

ep one it happened do we have another kinky captain on our hand we've got a well did did jimmy kiss at the cocktail party on night one he kissed everyone i'm sure he did i'm sure he did edited out one of one of the many kisses that we never saw he started with osher at the very first and like as soon as he got there kissed osher and then he kissed the catering guy and then it just continued big call big call to kiss someone on the first it's it's risky also super risky to kiss someone who you've already got a very strong connection with because you have back history with and i don't say this like i mean i don't care go around kiss whoever you want i more say this from like the contestants perspective because they would check out yeah if any of them saw that

they would just feel like their ability to have any sort of connection or to to it's just this threat and you would feel a bit derailed in that whole process you'd get a sense that Jamie Lee is just leaps and bounds in front of everybody else and there's no way that anybody could catch her in the limited time that they have on the season totally totally and like it was there is obviously something big and brewing there like something that has gone unspoken and for anybody who's experienced that in their relationships in the past for anyone who has pined over a friend and then it's kind of come to that pivotal turning point like it's really loaded it's a really big experience and so i think for anybody else in there if they had known or they had seen that

i do think we probably would have had a couple of walkouts or at least a few people who would have gone okay what what the fuck is the point like it was clearly already won before it started imagine how conrad would have reacted to that first the love chair now this i'm gonna say this guys i don't think jamie lee is going to be the person at the end and why because they have gone too hard too fast on jamie lee that kiss was really special and i think they showed us too much of it they showed us too much of brooke being like happy excited like into it her validating of of jamie lee's feelings makes me think that if it was jamie lee at the end they would have edited out some of that validation jamie lee is the red herring everybody i'm calling it gosh you're so

smart i've been around the blocks people oh the blocks all of them i've been around the block people all right couple of notable mentions before we get into the rose ceremony where someone who goes home whose name no one knows that is the david my david my beautiful persian prince he gets the white rose he's getting the first date and he is the first impression is it the first impression rose is that what it is again i can't remember yeah let's let's call it that and kind of skip through that bit of episode and you know what it's no surprise that he made the best first impression since he brought everything he brought three different things kitchen sink cutlery it's like i've got the right on mower i've got the tea all right the tea's not working fuck genie genie

i'll go with a bit of fantasy a door-to-door salesman modern day yeah and then uh special mention to old mate he's a carpenter went home don't remember his name uh he got absolutely no air time it always sucks being number one getting the boot uh sorry dude feel for you we'll miss you And now let's get into episode number two. Now we are balls deep in the second episode. And anybody here who is, I'm also balls deep in this glass of wine. That's a beautiful visual you've just given everybody, myself included. Ah, dear.

Okay, well, we are deep. We're penetrating into episode two. We are hitting it from the behind nonstop. Thank you, Laura. Anyway, strap yourselves in. It's going to be a good one. So, we are, we're in, we're inside, we're deep inside episode two. It's the group date and we all know what the group date is on episode two.

If you have watched one, two, three, four, any season of The Bachelor ever, we all know that the group date on episode two is the photo shoot. Now, you would think if you were going on The Bachelor, you probably would watch a season, but apparently not. It's a photo shoot. No way. Trust the guy to not do his research. Yeah, to put in zero effort, like literally zero effort.

They haven't left from around the fire and then they haven't watched any of the previous season. He's like, oh, she's hot. And everyone's like, yeah, that's Brooke from the past season. He's like, fuck, no way. Guys suck. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so there's a couple of notable highlights in this photo shoot,

but we're just going to go from the top to the bottom. It's probably the best way. That wasn't even a sexual innuendo, but maybe we should throw it in there. Are we going to talk about Tim 2.0? No. Honestly, it is ridiculous how much it looks like Tim has just come back, shaved his head, given himself a haircut, made himself look a little bit more respectable and come back. It even sounds like Tim.

It literally sounds. This is going to be traumatizing for Brittany. I know. I hope she doesn't watch it. They've got to be cousins at least. Come on. They're brothers. They have to have some kind of relation.

It's ridiculous. Guys, I'm going to say this again. And I know I already said jump on and look at Conrad and his doppelganger. But we also have put up a photo of, we don't even know this guy's name. He's Tim 2.0. But it's literally just Tim Hanley with a shave. And maybe he's got a couple of his tattoos lasered off. Yeah, it really does.

Okay, apart from Tim, we want to talk about Conrad and Jess. So, of course, the producers pick people who they know it's going to be a bit of tension, a bit of fighting. We know from the last episode that Conrad and Jess had the fallout over the love seed. And, of course, Conrad is playing the boyfriend at dinner or whatever it is. This is the set-up. The set-up is basically Brooke and Conrad are dating. They're at dinner together and Jess is the waitress.

And now there's lots of subtle – actually, it's not even subtle. There's lots of passive aggressiveness going on about the seat. The seat continues. Seat gate. Seat gate. Who would have thought that one seat would cause so much damage in a season of The Bachelorette. She steals my seat and she's good at it.

Oh, Conrad, let it go. Like you were coming across as a petulant child. What if, hear me out, if Jess has a certain condition where she likes to steal seats, okay? What if she has a certain condition where she has to sit down? Like just all of a sudden it hits her out of nowhere. She has to sit. She's got a bad back, yeah.

There you go. And everybody's like, oh, she's stealing another seat. And she's just like, oh, God, my back. That chronic pain has really given me some grief. But also, like, okay, I'm thinking that this is probably amped up from editing and production and everything else, but get over it. Like, get over it.

She stole his seat, Laura, and he made with Brooke. He will not get over it, okay? And I feel like that memory, the memory that they were never able to create, is now sullied for forever. I mean, I really hope that after this episode, The seat is no more. Could you imagine if we're at the finale and Conrad's giving her a speech

and he's like, like, Brooke, I've just been in love with you since the moment that, you know, I met you. And unfortunately, Jess sat on our seat and it's all tainted for me. So it just didn't pan out the way I expected. Fucking Jess. Okay, next up we have the Halloween theme, which was a bit of a train wreck, I reckon. I, like, Bo, come on.

The guy's got gusto, doesn't he? He's got some real, maybe he's a narcissist. He is 100% a narcissist. He thinks his shit don't stink. I feel like I do have a bit of an advantage here. I'm looking pretty, pretty good, to be honest. There is always one person on The Bachelor who is fully lacking in self-awareness. And, but you know what?

As much as they are painful to watch, they're also very entertaining to watch. there's a part of me that's glad he's here i'm sure brooke doesn't feel the same okay basically this is the weirdest like there it's like halloween themed there's no females which means it's lacking in emotional sensitivity it's only the men hey yeah i look i know you feel persecuted right now matt somebody think of the men okay so the weird thing about this is brooke is standing there and she's like i don't feel like i am the center of attention here and I have a pretty sneaky suspicion as to why that is. These photos are going to be in newspapers all over Australia and it feels cool. So many people are going to see me.

And I think it's pretty fair to say that Ryan is there for all the right reasons. Definitely not for the blue tick. Hey, the most important photo shoot is the one-on-one and Holly, Holly the dancer, Holly. Slow dance. She gets it. She gets it. And I thought it was a bit of like a one-trick pony move, the fact that she starts dancing again.

Do you know who Holly is? Holly is Jay with the chess. Holly with the slow dance. Ah, yes. Yes, yes, yes. It's slow dance Holly. It's chess girl. I'm going to call – Holly's just slow dance from now on.

Slow dance. It's like I've had enough of the slow dancing and I've had enough of the seat. But I'm going to call it this. I know that this was supposed to once again feel romantic. I kind of felt like I was watching a bit of a tantric yoga. If you just turn off the TV and close your eyes and listen to the audio. Are you comfortable? Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm seeing well. Does that feel good for you? Is it in yet? Is it in? Let's talk about the single date. Oh, Darband. Darband. Once again, if you needed any more affirmation as to the fact

that David is going to be at the end, he's going to be the winner. No, no. What are you talking about? Person who gets the first date never wins. Nazana got the first date and she won. Mate, we went through this last time. She didn't get the first date. She had the second date.

She got the first date. I mean, we could definitely do a Google search for this, but we won't. We won't. It's not going to happen. You don't come here for reliable information. I mean, kind of. Some of the things we say are semi-reliable. Are they?

I feel it in my waters. I go off intuition, not off knowledge. Okay, look, I think David will go far. I definitely don't think he's going to win, but he does get a very good date. He gets a helicopter straight off the bat. Boom, bringing out the big guns. It always starts really impressive,

and then we get down to the spotlight dates. Remember? That's what happened in Jimmy's season. Started off big, penis in the middle, ends on a high. So they arrive at the Blue Mountains, and they walk to the edge of this cliff, which looks out to this beautiful valley. Ah, stunning.

And they reveal what they're going to be doing for the day. And would you call it like... Sitting. How do you say sit down? Sitting has become a real key feature in this season of The Bachelor so far. I was like, where are you going with that? Ah, once again, the love seat.

Yeah, so look, if you haven't seen it and you're just listening to our recaps, apologies firstly, but secondly, what they did do is that they abseiled down 20 meters the side of a cliff and then they sat on like a little platform that was suspended it wasn't even 20 i reckon it was like 10 meters they sat on a platform it looked incredibly uncomfortable well because they had to kind of hunch forward you couldn't even like sit back against the rock it was it was a bit strange and they looked like they were freezing i'm pretty sure brooke even said at one point can you hold

my hand because it's so cold because i'm getting hypothermia because i've got gangrene is getting green when you're really cold no no frostbite frostbite good try though i think you get gang green from frostbite i mean yeah down the track it would yeah be gangrenous but it it progressed really quickly um okay on top of this both wearing matching beanies cute like did they did they plan that was that like a was that a styling thing was the stylist for the show like okay we're gonna put them in little matching ensembles and they're gonna sit hunched over on the side of a cliff But also, if you have to go to the bathroom, like I'm somebody who has to wee like every 15 to 20 minutes.

Like what happens then? Well, I think David would be fine. He'd just do a bush wee off the side. But could you imagine on a first date a girl trying to hang herself off backwards to do a wee? But then it starts to rain. Oh, before we get into the rain, let's just unpack. Why was there no refreshments?

Like they're sitting there on a ledge. Like there's no champagne. There's no cheese board. I know no one eats the cheese board. Hey, they had something even better. They had chocolate milk. Could you imagine? Like, I know that they made it look romantic.

They really did. But could you imagine how much it would fucking suck to be in the Blue Mountains hanging off the side of a cliff in the rain? Like, it would be the worst thing ever. And Brooke was wearing a really nice leather jacket. Like, I was thinking, like, that's expensive. Poor jacket. Well, Brooke was, of course, trying to be optimistic about it.

And you know what? I think, I don't think David felt or had the same sentiment, but he was definitely trying to remain positive. This is a really notebook, this is a notebook moment. Yeah. I don't mind. I actually don't mind it. It's so obvious that he fucking hates it.

Okay, he loves, okay, it's very clear that he loves the time with Brooke, but no one, like nobody, if they had a choice between sitting by a cosy warm fire versus sitting on the side of an exposed cliff in terrible weather, I'm pretty sure he might have picked the former. And even the guy, even the guy who brought down the hot chocolates, even he waited until it stopped raining. Did you notice? How long did they leave them on the side of the fucking cliff for?

They were there for eight hours. Poor David and Brooke. David's like, take me home. I'll say anything. Honestly, I think that this is it. Call it over. Do you reckon? Call it.

game match point well he did have some very kind words to say about brooke after the date and yeah she just warms me up makes me feel really merry are we sure that he's talking about brooke or a shot of fireball i reckon that they gave them a little glass of sherry at the end and they were like how does that make you feel and he was like oh i feel pretty merry but brooke okay brooke was crying brooke is already so into david she's already so into pirate david that um yeah she was having a teary because she feels so connected to him i really hope that for the next date it's on a ship why oh my god matt pirate david that was so bad so the reason why i don't think he will win is because being first

is a curse because you have to then sit back and watch everybody else get their dates and it makes you go like a little bit brookie walkie wants a cookie yeah for want of a better phrase and we We interviewed Brooke and she was fucking lovely. She is the loveliest girl. But even she says it makes you go. It makes you feel very out of control. Totally. And fast forward to the cocktail party and there was a consensus.

Everybody agreed that those who didn't go on the group date would get the first opportunity to speak to Brooke. And then David, nope, straight in there. Well, he got a rose. When you have a rose at a cocktail party, it's this unspoken bachelor cocktail party law that you don't need to speak to the bachelor or bachelorette totally and i guess the thing though the thing that's always annoying in these situations is a group of people will make a rule

not everyone prescribes to the rule but then everyone's expected to uphold the rule that a small group of people made to benefit themselves like it's so dumb but at the time when you're in it the rules feel like like it feels like oh you can't you can't break the unspoken bachelor rule about not speaking it's so dumb look david did take brook aside at the cocktail party even though he was safe it's a pretty rude thing to do but it's by no means like you know taking someone to a love seat rude but emily was really upset about it emily was she upset i couldn't tell you know what great that you did that can weed out the bad ones from the good it just hurt my feelings you know i'm not silly i know that that was you know someone's probably

going to do that but it doesn't make it less painful or less upsetting actions speak louder than words what you've done is a reflection of you not me and that's it i feel like emily has just practiced her breakup speech like that's the speech you give to a guy who's cheated on you or a guy that you've been seeing for a little while and then he does something that you think like fuck you're not the person i thought you were not some dude that you met in the bachelor mansion literally the night before, who you're all competing for the same person for. David didn't even say a word.

I think he was like, what the hell is going on here? He was like, oh, well, Emily's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. A picnic I wish I had on my cliff face out there exposed in the Blue Mountains. All right, well, that leads us into the cocktail party and I was very upset, Laura Byrne, to see that a beloved beau, He was the pouting photographer who kept creepy photos of Brooke. Beauty Bo.

Beauty Bo, yes. I'm sure he will have no trouble finding a date outside of The Bachelor. Good luck, buddy. I mean, it was completely unsurprising that he's gone home. I also hope that when he left, the production will like, can you please delete your camera roll? Do you know what I mean? Like, no, fuck, give me your camera, Bo.

You've got to delete those photos of Brooke, you pervert. He definitely would have like stolen some of her shoes or something with him as he left. Anyway, guys, that is it. We've done it. We've recapped. Episode one and two. Wow. I've only had one glass of wine.

Feeling spicy. We survived attacks from mosquitoes. Laura had a coughing fit as well at one stage, but we made it. And it's good to be back. It does. You know what? We've just whet our appetite. We're just getting started.

Get ready for next week. I probably won't wear any pants. yeah alright let's wrap it up don't get too excited Matt let's wrap things up because it's getting weird

I don't know the spiel so you give it Laura don't pretend like you don't know how we wrap these episodes Laura I mean it's not as if I've you know

sat here and scripted something thanks so much for listening guys and don't forget we have a Facebook group Life Uncut we also have the

Instagram page at Life Uncut Podcast so follow us there and we have absolutely loved bringing you back Batch Head Uncut we hope you've enjoyed it we'll see you guys next week

That's not how we end it. We end it with tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog and tell everyone and share the love. Because we love love! How did you get a core back? How? I don't know. Everybody's confused.

Let's go to bed. How do you think that mosquito is? Working his way down to my rectum. We'll be right back.