Life Uncut - Best of THE PICKUP - 19th Feb

Episode Date: February 19, 2023

It's our weekly round up! The best of the week from our National radio show THE PICKUP. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany.

I'm Mitch. And this is our radio show. It is The Pick Up, which we record every week, every Monday to Friday, and then we take the best bits, we package it all down, and we stick it here for you. Yeah. Mitch, you brought this week a story that you tell that is very funny, but it probably shouldn't be funny, but the way you tackle it is funny.

It's about big boy problems, right? Well, I thought you were going to say you brought a barbecue chicken into the studio and ate it with a spoon. You did. He did that too. Well, I mean, they are kind of correlated, aren't they? They go hand in hand. It was an entire chicken.

My hands are oily. No, I'm a big boy and I'm proud of it. I'm, you know, a chubby boy and I'm oversized and I'm overweight and I'm fine with it. I'm 6'3". However, there are things that have happened to me in my life, being a bigger person that don't happen to my skinny friends. And it's true.

Things that I've clocked and I've noticed, I've gone, hold on, this isn't happening to my partner who's slim. Yeah, because we have true fat phobia within Australian society. Oh, my God, yes. That is a whole other level of something that we need to unpack. I mean, you have a very good sense of humour about it, Mitch, but I also love that when you talk about it, you're like, this is not a problem for me.

And I am very happy and comfortable in my skin, but the problem seems to be with everybody else. It's good that you tell this story because it does make, I think it'll make other people think about maybe what they're saying or their actions because I think a lot of people probably don't realise. I know that there were some of the things that you were saying that have happened to you where I was like, oh, I hadn't seen that or I probably didn't realise it was happening at the time.

And it's not about Laura and I, but it's about things that happen to you in society. But I think you tackled it really well. Yeah, I wouldn't have tackled it. I'm not really athletic. I probably would have just tackled it. You ran at it. Chased it.

You ran at it. No, I walked. Okay, well, something I wanted to talk about is I went had a beauty treatment done recently. I went to a skin specialist. I don't know if you can call her a skin specialist, actually. She's a beautician. And she insulted me into getting another treatment done.

So I got my face dermaplaned. Is that what it's called, dermaplaned? Yeah, dermaplaning. Anyway, basically I had my face shaved. And I want to know why women can't just shave their face and why I've got to pay $200 for it. How much did you pay? $200.

The fancy name is dermaplaned, but the colloquialism is you shaved your face. And the even more colloquial term is just buy a Gillette razor and it will all be fine. Can you stop stroking your chin too? As she tells this story, she strokes it like a wizard. I'm getting Dumbledore vibes. You know when he strokes his Dumbledore? Okay, I have this one.

We don't cover this in the show. Oh, we're getting an exclusive? Yeah, I will put money on the fact. Brittany, you're particularly hair free, so good for you. But I would say that 90% of women have a rogue hair on their face somewhere that they pluck out. I've got two on my chin that they pluck out and it comes back in the same spot. It's not out of a mole.

it's just a hair that just for some reason just sprouted out of my chin i've got one on my earlobe you're a man good point i genuinely at like i'm not saying this to rub it in because there's nothing wrong with hair on the face but i i am not a hairy person even though my mom is a greek so i just got obviously the dad's side but i don't think i have one hair on my face and i never have well you know what they're coming for you that's what age does to you no i think i'm just that's thinning if anything nah it thins on top and flourishes on below well i had an event for week i had a running with a neighbor um so those playing at home know i've had problems with my neighbors before my neighbor above me the russian lady she waters me when i go outside like she'll

put the hose on me she's put the hose on mitch she's put the hose on laura she i don't know why she pretends she doesn't know she's doing it but she knows she's doing it but now i've had another running with another neighbor because i've been stealing stuff yeah accidentally this one is actually your fault it's not no complete this checks out it's completely me like hands up and it was the most awkward running that i've ever had all right well all that and so much more let's get into the show andy joins us now uh hello andy welcome to the show mates hello guys how are you congrats on the show oh thanks andy andy also congrats to you i hear you have the best tush in australia oh yes well i wouldn't say in australia i just beat woody out uh on a tush off because i

I think it's a very low bar. It was just the best tush in that studio where there was four people. Well, they haven't come up against Mitch Turi's tush yet. Oh, they'll need both boys' hands to grapple that tush. They'll need the producers. They'll need all the staff they can get. Upon reflection, though, Will held my bottom for a long, a long time. I don't blame him.

It's not very often that you get to hold Andy Lee's tush. Like, come on. That's true. It used to be anyone's. But now, yeah, Beck has a problem with that. Well, speaking of Beck and also that it is Valentine's Day tomorrow, what are you doing to make it special? Are you someone who celebrates Valentine's Day or can it get to you?

No, I'm the opposite. I don't believe in the whole Valentine's Day thing whatsoever. I've learnt the hard way that Beck does, even if he says he doesn't. Oh, yeah, that's classic. I had five years of checking that and her going, no, it's fine, it's silly, it's a silly day, we don't need that, and then her being kind of grumpy with me for the entire day. But now I've got a trick which makes me feel good about it

and I think makes Bec feel good about it so I've kind of met in the middle is every Valentine's Day and the last couple of them, I send the dog a big bunch of flowers. And so it rocks up the door. It's addressed to Henry the dog. It says, you complete me and you're perfect, et cetera, and please don't show Bec. She'll get jealous.

So Bec gets the flowers. She gets a joke that I'm actually doing it for the dog and that way I don't feel as weird about just buying flowers for my partner on Valentine's Day because I really think it should be. I prefer the surprise flowers, like just cause gifts. They're my favourite. Romantic. Well, I'm currently in an argument with my new boyfriend, Ben.

He lives overseas. I'm in an argument about who said I love you first. Who said the L word out of you and Bec? Me by a mile. Did you? And what was her response? It was really awkward. We were actually lying next to each other in bed and I said,

i love you and she looked at me paused and then went he loves me and i said you're gonna say it back she's like no how long did it take her to say it back i reckon it was a good like six to eight weeks later she did not so she celebrated the moment like really rubbed salt in the wound and then didn't give you anything back for six to eight weeks. Do you know why that is? Because she won. That's what that is. That's the sound of victory, Andy. Yeah, I've been trying to win too. Speaking of victory, Andy,

The 100 is back tomorrow, the Valentine's Day special. I believe we're going to do a little round of our own here at The Pickup now with the fans. Are you down to do that? Okay, you ready? We'll do some dramatic music. Okay, what percentage of Australian couples will allow

their partner to pop a pimple? I actually want them to pop a pimple. 29%. Okay, Laura, I'm going to lock in 40%. I'm going high, Andy. I'm going to go 73%. Wow, 29 wasn't far off. It's 30%.

Oh, my goodness. I thought more people with sickos were pimple sickos out there. No, no, no. We all want to pop, but we don't want to be popped. One point to Laura. It's important to go deep on these things, guys. Okay. What about what percentage of Australians, boys and girls,

has had laser hair removal in the last 12 months. A bit of personal grooming before a big Valentine's Day night out. I'm a waxer, personally. I'm lazy. I'll just shave once every six months. Yeah. Am I the only one in this room that's had laser hair removal? No, I had it once.

And it was on your back. I got it on my back. Yeah. All right. I'm going to go 51%. All right. I'm going to lock in 80. I'm going to, once again, go low.

I'm going to say 40. 11%. Wow! That's not much. There are a lot of hairy people out there. No, see, people are lazy. I know, I should have gone lower. It also burns a bit.

It's not the most comfortable thing in the world, laser hair removal. So that checks out. All right, Andy, hit us with one more. Also, I did hear Bush is back. Yes, it is. So I think that you're trying to bring it back, Laura. Okay, hold on. So Britt won, Laura won.

Let's see if we can get a winner here with Andy Lee. Keeping on the Valentine's Day theme for tomorrow, So how many Australian couples speak baby talk to their partner? Yuck. Makes me feel physically, viscerally unwell. Yuck. 20%. Do you mean like, oh, my God, I love you, you're so cute.

Yes. Oh, I do call Matt Bubba, though. Oh, Laura, that makes me. So maybe I count. Bubba makes me vomit. I hate myself. Do you call him Bubba J? I just say, hey, Bubba.

Like, yeah. Okay, Mitch, you go first. I think 12%. Higher. I'm going to go with 55%. Wow. I'm going to go 18%. All right, this is for the win.

It's 20%. Oh, my God. There you go, Brittany. It's Brittany. She got one. Do you speak baby talk to Beck? No, not at all. A little bit to my dog occasionally.

I think that's okay. Wait, no, what's your lamest baby name that you have for Beck? What's your little cute nickname? I call Beck Rumpy. I'm sure she loves it. Like a cross between grumpy and grumpy. Stumpy Rumpy. No.

She's got a beautiful rump. Oh, that's lovely. I was going to say, no wonder it took her eight months to say she loves you with a nickname like Rumpy floating around. You're lucky that you didn't get Dumpy. You can get The 100 tomorrow night, the Valentine's Day edition, with Andy Lee, 9pm on Channel 9 Aftermaths. Thanks, Andy.

Great to have you on. Thanks, Andy. Thanks, legend. Team, I have trust issues at the best of times, and I think this could just heighten it. It looks like the male contraceptive pill could finally be here. It took them long enough. Get all of humanity.

They have been working on one for a while. They have been working on one for a while, yes. But I don't know how many years ago that they did the trials for it. A few men were part of the trials. And the reason it sort of halted in its tracks was because men were saying, oh, I'm getting headaches from it. There are side effects. Hello, welcome to the club.

But this pill, it's been trialed on mice so far. And the mice have been rendered infertile within 30 minutes. But there is a trick to this. So we take the pill, with women, sorry, we take the pill at the same time of day every day and essentially that should be stopping pregnancies. Men have to take this pill within 30 minutes of sex. I do think that, you know, when you're the person

who could get pregnant, you probably need to take a bit of the responsibility yourself. Like I think that being just trusting might get you in a situation that you don't want to be in, i.e. pregnant. But why can't the women just carry the pill around and half an hour before they're going to, you know, do the horizontal dance of love, be like, buddy, you need to take this. And they're the ones popping and giving out the pills

so we can be in control of the distribution. Who times their sexy time? I'm so sorry. Nothing worse than, oh, babe, pop an egg timer on, pop your pill, and then we'll jump into bed and we'll be good to go. It does make you think that maybe will it increase foreplay for half an hour before sex? Oh, my God, yeah, I agree.

Or I feel like in Laura's case, she'll be like, nope, I'm working, come back in half an hour when we don't get extra half an hour time but I don't know if I would ever and not that it's men I'm joking about that I just don't know if I would ever completely put that in someone else's hand that trust in someone else's hands because the guy to be like sure I took that half an hour ago no but you know what okay when you say you wouldn't trust it you're speaking from the perspective of someone who at the time would have been single and dating yes but say for me in a you know committed relationship with my husband Matty J the responsibility of contraception has always fallen onto me in our relationship so when we finish having kids matt

he's going to go and have a vasectomy um but this would be an option this would mean that it doesn't just the full responsibility doesn't fall onto me and i think sometimes when we think about contraception we only look at it from the single going out and dating perspective but there's loads of people in relationships who already have kids who also need to worry about this stuff yeah but laura we know your husband maddie j is dying for more kids i don't know i don't believe in that on I don't think I trust him either. Can I just say, if we can't get straight men to wash their asses, I don't think we're going to get them to take a pill every day,

day in and day out. Sorry, but that's my take and I stand by it. I had a facial the other day and as I was there, she told me, in not such nice words, that I have a bit of a hairy face. Now, she called it peach fuzz. She said, oh, you've got a bit of peach fuzz. But I know what she meant. She was saying that I have a hairy face.

You've got a beard. I thought peach fuzz was butt hair. well it's on my face you have butt hair on your face i think peach fuzz refers to like the little wispy whitey like light colored hair that you can't get lasered because the laser is only attracted to like dark hair so i have like quite a bit i have italian heritage i'm not ashamed to say it you know if you look in the right direction i've got a bit of a mustache and i'm okay with that but she said it to me and it got me really self-conscious and then she recommended that i have a facial done and basically you lay there they put this like serum all over your face it's

very relaxing and then they get a scalpel out and they scrape the scalpel across your skin like like you know like diagonally along the skin and she's trying to convince me that it's really great for exfoliation they're getting all the dead skin cells off guys i paid two hundred dollars to have my face shaved at a beautician i okay hang on i haven't had it i don't have a hairy face but i have had dermaplaning before. I had it for an exfoliation, so it was nothing about the hair. My skin felt pretty good after it. Okay, so she shows me, like, because she's doing it.

She's doing, like, the scrape, scrape, scrape, and then she's wiping it, and then scrape, scrape, scrape. Were you at a barber, first of all? Were you in a Westfield, like, right in the end of the car park? I was at a very, like, lovely, like, little facial spa that you would go to to go and get your skin done, like a skin clinic or whatever it's called. Anyway, so she finishes doing my whole face,

and then she shows me what looks like a napkin, And it's just a napkin covered in my facial hair. And she's like, look at all the exfoliation we got off. And I was like, no, that's my face. That's my eyebrow. That's my beard. That's my goatee on that napkin. Here's my question.

Surely we can just, I can just go down to Woolworths and buy a razor and just shave my face for $2. If it's okay for her to do it in a clinic setting, what is the big problem with me being a female and then just shaving my face? Laura, I could just play on my iPhone some yoga music, put on some essential oils, lay you down in this studio. I've got a bick in the bathroom.

You're in the men's bathroom. I could just give you a quick little shave and save you $300. Lift your arms up to an underarm while you're there. I could do it all, yeah. I could literally start from just below my eyelashes and keep going down to my ankles. Aren't you worried it's prickly, though, Laws? Yes, I am.

That's my problem now. I'm so worried that when I kiss my husband, Matty J, that he's going to know that maybe I have stubble. Do you want to make out with me? Yeah, Britt, get up. You get up. Make out could be excessive. Give Laura a big kiss.

I'm coming over. You come to me. Kiss on the cheek, ready? Can you feel it? A little bit. I can, but not here, not at the cheek, but when I get closer to the moustache. Just a little chinny. Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin.

We love you, no matter how hairy you are. Ladies, if you can't tell, I'm a little stressed. I can tell, it's the perspiration on your face. That's pretty stock standard for me though, right? Like a slim layer of sweat? Sweaty to the touch. But you do get more when you're stressed. But you've gone looking at houses, right?

Because you have to move. Yeah, I've got three weeks to move out and I'm in the middle of a rental crisis. And if you didn't know, so is the country. Rental listings in Australian capital cities are at the lowest they've been since February 2003. But we all rent in this room. I rent, yes. And I am currently also looking to move like you are. And it has been an absolute nightmare.

20, 30, 40 people at a showing. So many people line up to go to a viewing. You cannot get a house in Sydney, in Melbourne, wherever you are. You just cannot get one. The problem is people have gotten a bit crafty. I don't know if you've seen some listings pop up over social media, but there's this man in Sydney. He's been to Spotlight, clearly, and he has curtained off his balcony

and he's selling it for $300 per week. Hang on, show me that photo. Yeah, look, this is it. Okay. Oh, my God. It is literally a balcony that he looks like he's – it's not carpet. He's laid a blanket down for carpet, a single bed and curtains. That doesn't even look like it could be windproof.

This isn't just happening in Sydney, though. This is all over Australia. This is happening in Melbourne. This is on the Gold Coast. This is everywhere. Wait, Mitch, you've got another one here. Landlord, $300 room for rent where 5G phones and weekday visitors are also banned. That's just a prison.

They're just describing a prison cell. Yeah, you know how to bring your phone. Yeah, conjugal visits every Thursday. This picture here looks like it could be Harry Potter living under a stairwell. Oh, my God, this is the listing. This is what they've written. Strictly no visitors to the property on weekdays, which I think was Ted Bundy's rule as well.

Barbecue facilities for cooking next to the room if you want to cook. Yeah, I'm going to want to cook in my house. Okay, serious question. You guys have seen the kennel I built for my dog Delilah? I reckon $300 for that. Open plan living. It's open plan. Open plan.

It's got a window. Natural heat to natural light. Natural light, $300. Also in Bondi, so you can charge a premium. Okay, but there's a serious part to this though as well. The fact that people are getting so crafty, this do-it-yourself, trying to turn a little small space into a bedroom just shows that there is so little opportunities out there

for affordable rent that that's what people are having to turn to. Oh, totally. It actually is really bad. Yesterday I went to an open house and the garage, connected to the property, was separate if you wanted it. Someone else was renting it out. I tell you what, J.K. Rowling was really onto something, hey, with putting Harry Potter under the stairs.

She was before her time. It's the pick-up Friday afternoon around Australia. Welcome, everyone, Britt, Laura and Mitch. All thanks to Chemist Warehouse. Great savings every day. Now, I've got a bit of an issue that I've faced, ladies. Just one? Or a tacky mixture.

No, it's a long list, a thick list. I'm a big boy, so I'm 6'3", and I'm chunky. I'm a bigger boy, and I'm happy to say that. I'm fat. It's not a dirty word. You can say that you're fat. Things have started happening to me that I have noticed aren't happening to my skinny friends. Like, I went to the markets the other day with my beautiful boyfriend, Hayden,

and I'm walking through the markets. You maybe get a croissant, maybe a punnet of strawberries. Yeah, maybe a sneaky pie. Maybe a sneaky, or two. And I'm walking down and this vendor is going, shirts, get your shirts, custom shirts. And I'm going, that's nice. And he looks me in the eyes. He goes, oh, don't have your size, buddy.

On you go, on you go. Don't have your size. No. Yes. Were you like, I didn't ask you for a size. I didn't even look sideways. Didn't even look at you. He goes, not enough material in the world to make a shirt for this fatty.

You got ushered out of a shop. But you weren't in. No, it was a market. I was walking down the thoroughfare. I was at a public school. Don't even think about coming in. You take up all the material. Yeah, and I'm going to have to go to Linkraft and cut a hole in a blanket so you can wear that.

So that happened. Anyway, I was on a flight a couple of weeks ago. And I'm on the flight. And you know how you sit down and we fly so often that you don't think about watching the safety procedure. Oh, you don't even look up. No. So I sat there. Seatbelt wasn't on.

And I didn't realize that everyone else had their seatbelt on. The flight attendant walks up. She goes, hi, sir. I'm going to have to get you to put your seatbelt on. And gets down close. She goes, I'll grab you the seatbelt extender. Oh, my. No.

And I said, I don't need the seatbelt extender. And she went, no worries. Put the seatbelt on. She stood there and watched me put the seatbelt on. And did you need it? And did you have to like suck in really hard and then try and wriggle it around? I had a bruise on my belt button when I got off the flight. The audacity.

But it clicked and she walked away. You know what else happened? When we all got vaccinated, go get vaccinated if you're not boosted. But we went to the Vax Hub. Remember they built the Vax Hubs during the pandemic? And I had to get vaccinated. And I walk up and I sit down and she goes, hi, how are you? So I go, good.

She goes, let's vaccinate you. So I sit down and then she goes, oh, one second. Sorry, Mitch. Betty! Get the 12-gauge! And it's in the middle of the Vax Hub, and everyone's standing there like, why is this woman yelling? Then Betty wheels over.

She wheels over like a tent. And I go, what is Betty doing? And I go, sorry, what's happening? She went, oh, sir, what's happening here? It's pretty straightforward. You've got a thick epidermis. You see, because you're a big boy, we need to get you the 12-gauge that we use on horses and armadillos.

What? This is not true. You had to get the 12-gauge from a horse tranquiliser. She went, stand back! We've got to do it! She injected me, and no joke, you could hear a pop, because it had to break through my skin. Worst part was I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt,

so I was topless. So there I am. That damn thick epidermis! Thick epidermis! This doesn't happen to my beautiful, skinny partner. It doesn't happen to you girls. Cherry on the cake. Anytime I'm at a black-tie event or a wedding,

i.e. your wedding Laura Byrne oh that's happened at my wedding yeah we were all at Laura's wedding great friends I witnessed it

we were there the ceremony had happened it was gorgeous it was beautiful we were standing around and hors d'oeuvres at this point hors d'oeuvres were coming out

food and starters anyway I'm standing there talking to Britt and the waitresses and they're all blacks have a tray full of crostini

and oysters they walk out of the gates of the kitchen they see me beeline straight for the fatty like they've got rollerblades on

they rollerbladed over I hope you know that there was, like, an X amount of canapes per person. It wasn't, like, all canapes of Michituri. It was four each. That was it. Oh, we didn't get that, Memo, because we ate them all. Oh, I ate them all. I said I'll keep the tray, but I am offended, and I want that on record.

Anyway, if you're a big girl, big boy, be proud. Doesn't matter. We're special. We love you, Michituri. And do you know what the best part was? By default, I got heaps more hors d'oeuvres too. See it? I'm a good friend too.

Guys, I'm a thief. What have you done? I have had the most awkward running I've ever had. So I either don't know my neighbours or I get along with them, right? But I'm not a big person that goes and meets the neighbours and gives them cookies and knocks and says hello and I see them in the corridor as I wave. Yeah, and you live in like a big apartment building

so you've got quite a few neighbours. Yes, I'm in an apartment block so there's beside me, above me, I'm ground floor. Anyway, I get HelloFresh because I hate cooking and I don't like going to the shops and shopping so I just want to order it and have it come to my house. And they said all the vegetables, they said all the ingredients. Everything you need.

I am one person. I don't live with anyone, so I'm one person, and I get enough for just me and my lunch the next day, and I only get four meals a week. Okay. I had emptied my HelloFresh this week, and I took the rubbish down to the basement where our bins are. When I closed the door behind me into the bins,

somebody appeared behind me. Hello, I've been waiting. It was, and I was locked in, and I was up the back against the auto bins. And I was like, hi, and he's like, hey. and he had a HelloFresh box too. He said, oh, you get HelloFresh, do you? I said, yeah, I do. You do too, do you?

He's like, yeah. How many do you get? And I said, what do you mean? How many meals a week? And he's like, yeah. I said, four. He goes, oh, how many have you been getting? I was like, six, seven.

The last couple of weeks, I've been getting seven meals. I just thought HelloFresh were doing me a solid and throwing some extra meals in. Why? It was in this moment he said, you've been stealing my HelloFresh. Wait, so you've been taking the bigger box each week? I looked down at the box. It had his name on it.

I was caught red-handed. I couldn't even lie. I had his HelloFresh box. I've been eating it for weeks. Now, this gets worse. He is in a relationship. He gets enough for two people for seven days. He's been getting my boxes because I've been stealing his.

So he only gets enough for one person for four days, but he's got two people and needs them for seven. Wait, so, okay, I have a lot of questions about this. I mean, unfortunate for him, great bonus for you. But he thought I was stealing. Because you were. How did you not at some point go, well, oddly, they've sent me far too many meals this week.

Maybe I'll just check. Why did you assume that they would send you more meals? So I had that moment where I was like, this is weird. I'm getting so many extra meals. Thanks, HelloFresh. Closed the box and got on with my day. I just thought there must have been some deal going on where they were throwing extra in or maybe I was a good customer because I've been long term.

No part of me thought I was thieving from my apartment block. This is so funny because I went to Britt's on Friday night to have dinner and I said, let's order. She went, no, no, I've got heaps of ingredients to make you a carbonara. And she didn't say it was HelloFresh. You did. And I thought, that's so unlike Brittany to whip up a carbonara. She opened the fridge.

She had like four litres of cream, 12 eggs. So wait, so what happened with the neighbour? But I said, oh, I can go down and I can go and I just unpacked it. I can go and get you everything. I was like, but I just cooked one of the meals. I just had hamburgers. And they were very good. So I can't even give you them back.

And he's like, look, it's fine. And in my head, I thought, oh, my God, I didn't even cook the hamburgers for me. They were for Delilah, my dog. Oh, no. You fed HelloFresh hamburgers to your dog. That was meant for his children. I stole my neighbor's HelloFresh and cooked it and gave it to my dog. Okay, but surely you're going to, like, pay him.

Surely you'd give him money. No, no money was exchanged. Nope.