Life Uncut - BONUS EP - Strictly Accidentally Unfiltered, finished differently

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

Lifers we promised you this little bonus episode AND HERE IT IS!!! A whole ep of strictly Accidentally Unfiltered stories and solid 10/10 belly laughs.Thanks to our sponsor for todays episode Jacobs Creek! Try Jacobs Creek now for 30% off with free shipping, just search Jacobs Creek Podcast!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

guys we are back welcome to our sneaky little bonus extra episode of life uncut i'm britney And I'm Laura. Did this really throw you? It's Wednesday and here we are. We just really thought we'll spoil you because we've been teasing for a little while. We put our feelers out there and we thought we should do just a dedicated little extra episode because you guys froth it so hard, we froth it so hard, of just accidentally unfiltered. Basically you write in your most embarrassing, funniest stories and we take the piss a little bit. Or a lot. It's just going to be your most embarrassing stories and we're all going to laugh at you. So thank you to every single person who has written in for today's episode.

But we did tease this last week and we were going to drop it last week. And then the reason why we couldn't do that was because we also wanted to get on board a sponsor for this episode and bring you guys a discount for wine. Let's be real. We're here for the people. That's what this is. We've got Jacob's Creek who's come in with a sponsor and there was a nice synchronicity in this because you know that all of our accidentally unfiltered stories well they kind of finish differently to how one might have hoped absolutely there's never an ending that i think anyone would have wanted well jacob's creek double barrel wine is also finished differently in that it is finished in an aged whiskey barrel giving it a smoother a deeper and a richer taste exactly as britney

likes her men and my wine that's how i take my men and my wine anyway so if you guys want to get 30 off with free shipping then all you have to do is search for the jacobs creek podcast and i highly recommend because who doesn't want discounted wine i'm sipping on it right now and it's divine we're gonna get straight into this episode because we have got some good belly laughs for you brit is gonna kick it off because she reckons she's got the best one but in the light of things finishing differently i'm gonna tell you a story and i want you to guess the end of it that's the game we're playing this time we're gonna we're gonna do it different i'm gonna tell a story you're gonna say how you think it ends i love how you always want to go off pace with

these things just stick to the script britney well i thought this fits the whole jacobs creek finish differently campaign i was just really trying to go outside the box here really align it all righty hit me all right this actually happened i'm not gonna name names but it happened to a friend of mine and this is like an urban legend that happened to you a friend of a friend in the show himself it's actually so funny this guy was going on a date he met this girl online well okay he met her on instagram and she was a an absolute smoke show she was so bloody hot so his friends are over and his flatmates are over and he's like frothing this chick he's like look at this chick i'm going on a date with and he was showing her profile like a kid like you know

you're like oh look at her here look at her here zooming on her instagram and having a great old time and they were like bro she's so hot like you've got to you've got to take this home you've got to get a home run and he was like I'm on it bring it on home so he goes on to the date has a great time and she's an 11 out of 10 and she's into him she's into him she is here for it and he's like rubbing his hands together a because he gets to take this smoke show home b because he actually really likes her c he's like yes my flatties are gonna see that I've just taken this really really hot she came so he gets home with her and the flatmates and friends are still all up because they've just been having a few drinks at home he walks into the lounge room and they see

her and their face pretty confronting for the girl to walk in and have like a whole group of housemates and friends there yeah but she owned it she was like hey what's up like they're all really friendly but the flatmates in hindsight he's like the flatmates faces faltered for just a split second he's like but i just thought they were surprised that i'd brought her home and didn't think much of it anyway they get on with it they all have a bit of a chat and whatever else then they sort of go into the other room and give them some space they sit in the lounge they're making out they're having a wine and he's like let's take it to the bedroom and she's here for it so they go into the bedroom what is this going what do they see in the bedroom that makes

her turn and run what is it oh i'm imagining like the housemates have like left a dildo or something on his bed or like a strap-on for him to be pegged. Peg him like a queen. That would probably be. That sounded like my laugh. I'm wearing off on you. We're turning into the same person. Okay.

What was in the room is worse than a dildo being on the bed. They walk into the room and whilst he was on the date, the flatmates thought it would be really funny to go onto her Instagram page and print out 50 photos of her, giant photos. and put them up as posters all over his room so it looked like he was a psycho he had a shrine of this chick he'd only met on the dms and she walks in and her face is blown up all over the room and he's like i am so sorry this was not me this was my flatmates and she's like there's no way this could have been your flatmates in this time you're a fucking

psycho but also even if it was his flatmates it just shows that he's been bragging to his flatmates and showing them all the photos anyway like both of them are bad options obviously the shrine option is the worst okay so would you have stayed or run oh look I'm a sucker for punishment if it was like pre-mat I probably would have married the guy oh is that a red flag let's be together forever perfect let's get married I would have been like oh my god this is a great shot of me can I take it anyway I just think like it's pretty funny I mean they could have they never spoke again that's it she bailed he tried to contact her and explain and it just block and delete yeah block delete flew on out of there I think it's I think it's so funny but I wouldn't

but imagine if you were that keen I would not forgive it's funny in hindsight but you wouldn't forgive him you're like what if she was my wife that was my soulmate and you've ruined it for me forever oh my god okay all right god I love these so much guys don't you actually get some ideas one of you one of you listeners should probably try this one time it's so cruel don't stitch your for himself. It's a great way to lose some mates. How to lose a mate in one night. All right. I have a good one. Bed me on that level. I really enjoy this one. Guys, we've all, we all know the lemon detox diet. I'm sure that there's people out there who have tried the lemon detox diet. I tried the lemon detox diet. So when this story came in, I was like dead. RIP me at time of death

today. So basically I'm going to summarize a little bit because it's a really long one. i decided to do the lemon detox diet with a couple of friends from work this is going back about 10 years ago now so if for those of you who don't know what the lemon detox diet is basically you have to drink a concoction of lemon water cayenne pepper every single day without eating any food and then in the mornings and the afternoons you have to take a one liter salt water flush we don't recommend doing this guys this is a terrible terrible idea which is also why you need to listen to the story so she's like i woke up on my first morning it was a saturday and at the time i lived with my boyfriend in a tiny little one-bedroom studio

apartment the bed was literally right next to the kitchen i got up and i drank my one liter of salty water and i looked over my boyfriend and was like babe i'm gonna make you some eggs feeling light as a feather so here i am standing in the kitchen wearing his underwear cooking kim eggs i just finished my entire liter of warm salty water when i felt it a rumbling a rumbling below and i had the urge to fart oh no it's totally fine my boyfriend and i are very very open with things like that so i let it rip but to my surprise it wasn't a fart it was a cascade of one liter of warm salty water that ran down all my legs and all over the floor as my poor boyfriend sat on the bed and watched me cook his eggs needless to say i don't think that these were the runny eggs

that he was after and we ended up breaking up a couple of months later hang on a a couple of months it took you a couple of months b was did i get this right is this a liter of diarrhea running down her leg yes oh my god I want to die for her it's not okay is it do you know I did the lemon detox everyone did it like 15 years ago you know what it was the trend well it was because of Beyonce she did it for some movie role and had to lose heaps of weight before the role yeah but the reason people lose weight is because you don't eat you drink water with some lemon in it and salt it's just a laxative it's like it's so bad diet it's so bad I did it and I lasted for about seven hours and then ate an ice cream sandwich i didn't go down so i did it too and then like had a picnic

of cheese and bickies i was like fuck this anyway she goes on to say that her boyfriend was actually really supportive and he left the apartment so that she could clean up and sort her life out oh yeah that's support i'm out of here you clean this up that's the support you want in your life i'm pretty sure that's the support i would want under these circumstances you know it's like um bridesmaids don't look at me i'm shitting in the street that's exactly the scene and also no she didn't break up as a result of the lemon detox disaster oh my god i just can't guys do not try that at home all right next i lived in a share house with three other girls where it was super rare to be home alone however one week when two of my

housemates were traveling overseas i went to bed super early and my other housemate left for a night shift as she's a paramedic i knew she wouldn't be home all night i woke up at 11 p.m with a fright to a large banging sound in our kitchen and i just assumed my housemate was home making dinner however the sound continued and i realized it was way too early for her to be home panicked i called her quickly to confirm and yes she was still at work by this stage there was more banging more loud noises it was chaos and i was freaking out she told me to call the police and my boyfriend who lived only a street away so i called my boyfriend then i called triple zero convinced someone had broken into our kitchen on the phone to triple zero and waiting for the

police i was freaking out and my boyfriend arrived and knocked on the front door really loudly my bedroom is closest to the front so i decided i'm just gonna make a run for it screaming and yelling i ran past and said i've called the police i'm leaving as i was running out of the house the police rocked up a few seconds later and stormed into the house opened the front door to a cloud of smoke they ran in and came out with a burned saucepan it was then that my stomach dropped and I realized that I must've forgotten to turn off our stove fully because when I had gone to bed, I had left eggs on the stove. They had boiled to the point that they had exploded. I'm talking, they had burnt out, exploded with such force that they knocked

over our utensils, pots, the dish rack cracked open, pans fell out. I thought someone was breaking in, but I had actually called the police on some boiled eggs. I think it's very obvious that the real issue here and the common denominator is once again the eggs i think this is so funny because imagine the police coming to save the day and they're like ma'am you've been attacked by two boiled eggs this sounds like the time that you tried to accost a robber and it ended up being a koala in your sink the infamous koala break-in how embarrassing i think we all have a story about a time where we thought we were getting broken into and it ended up just being some like very benign like I remember this time where I was convinced I was being broken into and there was

a fucking possum in the house yeah see I reckon animals are a big one for that because I had the quality those animals and those eggs you really gotta watch out okay all right okay I've got another one I had been out with my housemates for a dance and a cheeky drink but after a couple of hours I really wasn't feeling it so I left the party early to get home after paying the taxi driver I accidentally left my handbag in the taxi and I didn't realize until the taxi had driven away. Now at the time I lived in London in a really, really, really dodgy area and it was the middle of the night. It was also the middle of winter. I panicked. I had no way of calling my housemates to let them know what had happened and no way of getting into the apartment. So I did

what I thought was a smart idea at the time. I smashed the little window next to the door and tried to reach inside and unlock, obviously, but the door still wouldn't open. Brittany, what do you think happened next how do you think this happened how do you think this finished differently i reckon okay it's middle of winter she's freezing it's late at night she's on her porch i reckon she froze to death really hot guys walked past and said do you need help and he had a kitten too and then because he'd saved it from the tree your fantasies and what goes on in your head and then i reckon she went home with him okay she had a one-night stand with a kitten man hey well this can be this could be ending anyway well it truly finished

differently to that so anyway fast forward and it must have been around 3 a.m when my housemates came home and they found that the window had been smashed they went inside and i was nowhere to be found so they of course they started freaking out and they called the police they were also trying to call my phone at the time the phone was going to voicemail the police arrive and they take this very very seriously so they call in the air pole as in like the helicopter police oh the chopper the helicopter police start searching the marshlands around the area with a huge spotlight. It's now 5am and they have decided with absolutely no luck that they're going to start door knocking to see if any of the neighbours saw anything. Tell me. Shortly later, there's a knock at the door

and I wake up off the couch and the police are there. Excuse me, are you Sarah? I'm not going to say her last name. I'd fallen asleep in my neighbour's house because my neighbour had heard me smash my window open and thought I was being broken into. So anyway, here I am on my neighbour's couch with 15 police officers the air pole and my housemates crying their eyes out thinking I've been abducted and she's having a great old snooze next door with a heated blanket just so fine I was like how did this escalate so fucking quickly oh my but you know what what I get from this is that was a really good response time from the police if she was abducted great response time could you imagine the fright you would get though if you came home as if you were the flatmate and you

came home you couldn't contact your flatmate and someone had been broken in and you knew she went home well like that's pretty I think they weren't being drastic they were like holy moly and I think the thing with this as well is like she the window was smashed as but then the place was locked so I think they thought that she had been trying to get away from someone so they thought that you know she'd been abducted as she was trying to get into the apartment oh my yeah that took a really dark turn all right I have just one more and it actually ties in really well with the story you just said okay my boyfriend and i went on our first ever overseas trip to japan a year ago i knew bits and pieces of japanese from high school but was absolutely not fluent after a long journey we

checked into our airbnb ready for a hardcore nap it was super cold so i flicked through the welcome guide to find out whether or not the unit had a heater the unit in fact did have a heater but unfortunately the instructions were all in japanese now i told my boyfriend that my a plus understanding of the language would save the day because I was really trying to impress him. So he trusted me to sort it out while he went and had a shower. I flicked through the instructions pretending I knew what I was reading but had no idea. I love the confidence here. Trust me babe I got this. She probably learned how to say like hello thank you my name is not how to read an instruction manual. I march on over to the air conditioning control panel. It is very high tech

looking and I press the large red button which I assume will turn the heating on. Suddenly the panel whirled to life and a little animation of a woman wearing a police hat flashed onto the screen the animated police lady spoke in japanese and gestured two flashing buttons one blue and one red i thought super crack the code red means heat so i'm gonna blast the red button so i hit that red button with all my might and all hell broke loose the apartment had an alarm that started to loudly sound with the air conditioning panel flashing red Japanese text flying all over the screen I couldn't turn it off and within minutes the intercom panel beside the front door flashed to life as well outside our unit within three minutes were three heavily armed policemen with

protective helmets guns bulletproof vests everything my boyfriend flew out of the shower butt-ass naked wondering what the hell was going on I was in my Winnie the Pooh baggy pajamas and had a face mask on and was freaking the hell out was it illegal to use heating in japan should i have registered with the authorities my intent to heat first i don't know i wasn't about to go outside and deal with these three hectically armed policemen my boyfriend grabbed a towel and opened the door while i hid in the wardrobe from my hiding spot i could hear the policeman explaining to my boyfriend that the alarm had been sounded and the user had selected urgently requesting help from police my boyfriend tried to tell them that his girlfriend had made a mistake and they thought

it was the air conditioning control but they were not buying it they demanded entry for a well-being check i think they thought i was being kidnapped so i stepped out of my hiding place with my pink pjs and my face mask to explain that i am indeed fine i was just really really cold he was baffled and asked over and over but how on earth did you think this was heating how did you not know about this alarm the best bit is that she's actually hiding in the cupboard so they would have thought They would have thought something even worse was going on. Yeah, she said, I finally convinced him that I was just a moron. I think it's hilarious.

But again, I love how effective this is, that you can press a button in your hotel room and within three minutes the police are there to help you. Mate, spotlight some marshland and airpole police and then having someone, an armed guard, show up at your apartment to call four times to get room service. your souffle is not an emergency britney well it is a goddamn emergency don't they know what i've been through this year oh man tell me about it but could you imagine that's so funny but also

the police actually said to her but how didn't you know there was a there was a police lady on the screen pointing to two buttons i just thought it was a very official way of heating the room that is it for our little bonus episode thank you so much for listening we absolutely love our accidentally unfiltered stories. If you have one for next week's episode, of course, we're going to go back to the normal format where you can just send them on into us and we will pick out our favorite ones. Also, if you have any Ask Uncut questions, then send them on through as well. You can send them on through to our Instagram at Life Uncut Podcast, or also you can join in the conversation on our Facebook group page, which is at Life Uncut Podcast also, because we like to

keep things consistent. Just want to do a huge shout out to our sponsor today, which is Jacobs Creek we're so stoked to have them on board we're stoked to have been able to do an episode where we can laugh at your guys misfortune and tie it into our sponsor they do I mean I just think that was great their red wine is finished differently I have been absolutely loving it I've loved having a glass today whilst recording this and if you want to get 30% off and you can get your free shipping who doesn't want 30% off some wine let's get serious all right for a second none of this lolling about so if you guys want to get 30 off with free shipping then all you have to do is search for the jacobs creek podcast we will be back tomorrow back to our regular schedule with

an ass uncut episode if you have enjoyed this sneaky little bonus ep then you know the drill tell your friends tell your mom tell your dad and share the love because we love love We'll be right back.