Life Uncut - BONUS EP - Strictly LOLs our favourite workplace related accidentally unfiltered stories

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

We thought it was about time we brought you a bonus episode full of laughs and questionable life choices, so HERE IT IS a bonus episode of strictly Accidentally Unfiltered stories of all the messed up things that have happed to you at work.Big thanks to Stan for jumping on board as a sponsor for this ep to celebrate the release of season 5 of the Bold Type. Catch it on Stan now.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, it is us, we're here, this is, we don't know how to start this because normally we would say hi guys and welcome to another episode of Life Uncut, but this is not an episode of Life Uncut. Well, it is. This is a bonus episode, baby. Guys, this is a Wednesday. You might be thinking, what on earth is happening? But Victoria's gone into lockdown. We all need some extra lols in our life. So we thought it's about time we brought you an accidentally unfiltered bonus episode. And the reason we've decided to do this now is we have Stan on board as a sponsor. And Stan is celebrating the new release of The Bold Type. Now, you heard us talk about the bold type the other day i have been a huge bold type fan for a long time and because

i've been into it i've gotten laura into it if you haven't seen it it's just these three best friends and it's everything they get up to it's like a modern day sex in the city but it's all based around their workplace so we thought there's gotta be some bloody funny accidentally unfilters that have been happening at your workplace we put the call out on instagram and let me tell you you're all a pack of embarrassing people to think that we spent this much time of our lives at work and the shit that goes down brit and i have been dying we're going to put some of the extra stories up on our instagram after this but this is the best of the best the cream of the crop people the most embarrassing things that you've done in a

workplace environment it's so funny okay you start okay actually have you done anything embarrassing in a workplace environment i have so many embarrassing stories but the problem with me is I have worked for myself for such a long time now that a lot of things I just do it in the comfort of my own home this is not so much embarrassing as what it is just like ridiculously stupid when I finished working for the company that I worked for before I went full-time with Tony May the reason why I quit my job so I was only like a junior graphic designer but my manager had been she'd gone away from maternity leave and so instead of them paying someone to come on and be the marketing manager they were like oh Laura you can do it and you should just do it for free

for her normal shitty salary we can put all this responsibility on her so I worked for this massive hearing aid company and I was like yeah I have an inflated sense of my own ego I can do this which meant I was like managing these massive corporate jobs like huge campaigns and it was really like you're very old-fashioned advertising lots of like newspaper advertising radio advertising and i had just put this print campaign to print on every newspaper in australia like the western australian like your sydney morning herald every major newspaper every big important newspaper and i'm talking like it used to cost like 20 grand to have the inside second page ad run so here it is i'd done the artwork i was like yeah it looks fucking sick smelling it sent it to print wake

up the next day waiting for the phones to be calling hot the phones weren't rigging and i was like what's going on here turns out on a multi hundred thousand dollar campaign I put the wrong phone number please call here please call this phone number that doesn't actually go to anyone just engage signal so that's how I quit my job and started my own business I was like you know what if I can fuck up somebody else's company I can probably do it to my own if I quit I mean that's how I was fired I mean that's more embarrassing because it's soul crushing and no one will ever employ me again but your stories are actually embarrassing well hang on I have a few you have one I was like I was trying to think about it I've told you guys one before about if

you're new I'll give you the quickest rundown but when I was working in the operating theater because that was most of my job you wear these really big heavy gowns and this is just like a quick one I just had this really big heavy lead gown because that's what stops the lead from penetrating your body and there is full of penetrating it's great I know it was like full of surgeons i love it when the lead penetrates my body no you don't because i think you're cancer it was full of surgeons and nurses and everyone that needs to be there like 15 people in there and long story short my hands were full with the equipment over the patient the lead was so heavy it pulled my pants down and i was standing in the theater in front of everyone in my undies and that

was a day that i will never forget and because that was what i was like live screening i couldn't stop to pull them up because i couldn't stop exposing the patient so i was like i'm just gonna roll with this but that was when you were just saying Laura obviously Laura and I've worked for ourselves with the podcast for a few years now so I've had two little mishaps one I also told you about I wrote to a colleague with the company that we work for with the radio station their name was Sian and I wrote dear agent her name is Sian the most embarrassing part of this is that you still don't know her name and she works with us I know it is Sian I know it but in my head it was Sian that's how I read it because it's S-I-A-N I like that you've been

telling this story seriously like the last six months and so this is like this is a work colleague and Britt still says her name wrong I've never met her right because we have all these people that we talk to and I know they're going to listen to this episode because they do we have all these people that we talk to but we've never met them we just email them and I always read things in my head how they are so I know her name's Sian but when I type it I'm like hi Sian because I'm spelling in my head it's phonetical it's phonetical anyway phonetical phonetical it's fun we clearly work for ourselves we're not learning anything anymore guys but the one that i haven't told you about and i don't know if laura's gonna make me take this out it was so embarrassing if you guys are

listening and i mean when i say you guys i mean the people we work with at the radio i haven't told you this yet and i hope you actually didn't hear it but laura and i were on a big meeting we're on this big meeting and we're talking about you know projections for the future and like how we're gonna how we're gonna move forward basically we were talking about our budgets and our contracts and like talking about you know how because like obviously we have to work with sponsors across this podcast it's a way that we're able to actually bring you the content that we bring you so we were kind of having a conversation around that so we're talking about how are we going to do that?

Who are we going to get on board? How's that going to look? And then this was a Zoom call. So Laura and I sitting in Laura's house on the one little computer and there's all these big con shows. Shout out to you guys, you're the best. And then I think the meeting's finished

and I start to like do the picture where you're dishing money out of your hand. She's trying to make money rain. I was making money rain and I was like, show me the bacon. And I looked down at the screen and it was not, I did not hang up. It was like, they were still on the line.

I was like, oh my God, I'm so mortified that I didn't I panicked and just I panic hung up on them I was like I'm done and then I said to Lauren do you think they were still there she's like absolutely all they had done is they had like turned their camera off so that nobody had left the meeting because they controlled the meeting they had just turned their camera off and then Britt's like show me the bacon sitting on the couch bacon dance anyway and I was literally just sitting there in horror like what the fuck are you doing thinking that she knew that they were still on the It was amazing. Anyway, let's get into some of the accidentally unfiltered that you guys sent in

and you guys are cooked. I really hope that you enjoy this. Here goes. I'm a graphic designer slash web developer and over COVID I went freelance and decided to take the plunge and start my own business. A lot of the work I have received is by word of mouth or referral from a friend, which is what makes this story so much worse. So it was Sunday night, I'm single and I was feeling myself. You know, girls got to get them self-care Sundays. So I whipped out my favorite vibrator, put on some porn. And personally, I prefer a bit of girl on girl action on my laptop. And I had a great old time. Monday morning rolls around. I'm back at work, working for my dining table. And one of my clients who is really draining and needy had emailed me asking for a

reference link, which I had already sent her twice the following week. So I pull up the site, which open in my tabs i copy the link and i write in an email to her hi sally you must have missed this in my emails last week here it is again for your reference condescending tone like as above please see above twice much to my absolute fucking horror i received an immediate reply from my client saying this is certainly not the link i was after turns out she didn't want to watch wow girls looking pussy at 9 a.m on a Monday. She sent her girl on girl porn to her boss. Not even to a boss, to a client. It's the patronizing tone for me. It's like, I've already sent you this twice and you clearly didn't watch it because here it is again. Yeah. No, you clearly didn't because it's

a porno. You know what though? I reckon a lot of girls prefer watching girl on girl porn. I'm just going to put that out there. Okay. I'm going to put it out there. I don't. I do. Do you? Yeah. It's just less invasive. Are you saying the penis going into the vagina is invasive? It's just a lot. It's just too much happening here. It just doesn't do it for me. Like I could just watch it and pretty much feel nothing.

But I think it's because a lot of porn is made for guys and so it's just so like graphic and like scary and like it's a big penis and girl porn is a bit like just more gentle and pretty. Totally, but I think you still have to be into pretty girl on girl sex. Not necessarily. I don't know I mean I've never ever had any girl experiences in the physical world but you'd rather watch it I'd just rather watch it it's just that it's just much nicer to watch that's so interesting there you go anyways that's gonna end up in daily mail never send me your porn link anyway

okay hit me my sister lives in Los Angeles as a server she called me with this recently she works at a really fancy restaurant and a lot of her clientele are either very famous or very rich I guess both they come hand in hand don't they she was serving this table that ordered 12 natural oysters as well as some other stuff too. After they finished their entrees my sister cleared their plates and noticed that they didn't even touch their oysters so her and her friends proceeded to eat them all. I think it was another bunch of rich people ordering more than they needed. There was no way she was letting those oysters go to waste. She continued to serve the table throughout the evening and when it came to the bill she offered to compensate the oysters saying you

guys didn't really eat them so forget about it. One of the girls at the table turned to her and said oh no we just don't like the texture of chewing them so we suck the flavor off and spit them back you know what though absolutely mortified my sister tried not to gag at the table knowing she had just eaten their regurgitated oyster she caught me crying you know what this happens all the time not the oyster thing but like wait staff eating leftovers from people's meals i have done it before too i mean i was like 18 in my defense or 16 i can't remember save two four to be able to actually buy food i was like this is half a pizza i'm not letting this go to waste this is like ten dollars worth i used to work at this restaurant in

woolloongong called the lagoon it was like a super fancy and like in retrospect now it sounds so ridiculous but like it was super fancy like okay it was fancy for woolloongong standards i mean when i say it's super fancy anyone who's in woolloongong who knows that this restaurant's going to be like what are you talking about it was like the nicest restaurant down there when i was living there the nicest restaurant in the gong 100 anyway we used to do like a seafood platter it was 250 a two-tiered seafood platter and people just wouldn't eat all the seafood platter because it was so ridiculous there's so much seafood on it 100 if you didn't eat your seafood platter there was a staff member out the back eating your seafood platter for you i'm not gonna like no word

of a lie and to think about it now like the manager would always come in and yell at us all and be like stop eating this put it in the bin how fucking gross is that like in retrospect but at the time I was like I am not gonna let this super expensive smoked salmon go to waste I can't even afford wheat bix I was gonna pay $10.50 an hour on workplace agreement I was not gonna throw out that half cooked lobster morning I feel you girl I'm gonna bring another one straight off the back of this because it really ties in I'm a waitress and one time I was taking an order I usually repeat all the dishes at the end instead of saying to them so you would like the duck pad tie I said I said would you lick dick pad time then to make it worse when I cleared their table

after offering them to lick dick pad tie I threw all the food away thinking wow they just barely ate their food what a shame next thing the couple comes over to the table and says where's all our food gone lol I didn't realize but they just went to the toilet they even left their bags on the floor and I thought they'd left the building. She just threw the whole meal away. I can't. It's so funny. All right. I'm going to come in with another one. Last year, I was having a bit of an off day and I sent a message to a girlfriend about how I was just feeling so gross. Turned out, I'd accidentally replied to a serious group message between a number of senior colleagues saying oh I feel fat guys I've lost it could you imagine I just love

that there's no context it's a really serious work chain and all that she says is like because we've all done it we've all sent a message to our friends going oh I feel disgusted oh I feel fat but just like just out of blue just to a board of directors oh I feel fat guys I love this is the one that set you off like okay that's great Betty wow okay hit me Brit I'm ready I messaged my boss saying are you free for anal Tony instead of are you free for a call Tony free for anal she messaged her boss and said are you free for anal how does it default to that though at least like with autocorrect usually it's it usually defaults to a word that you use a lot so maybe she's just asking for anal quite often in her personal life I can't listen to this one this

is so innocent literally this happened today I was in a huge meet and greet meeting with a new very important client and the CFO asked me to explain a little bit more about my background and where I've come from so I was like um sure I mean I'm really just mainly Aussie but I've got a bit of German in me on both sides too my mom's come from a Greek background with a complete deadpan expression he goes um sweetheart I meant your work background he wanted to ask her like a see me and she's like well I got a bit of Greek I got a bit of German really we're just from all over the place we're quite a melange our family what I love so much about this and what we always love about all of our accidentally unfiltered stories is like it is so relatable we have all

done something either in work or in our personal lives or in wherever maybe it wasn't in your personal life maybe it was in a very public setting that is just so outrageously embarrassing and at the end of the day you think fuck I'm gonna die from this I'm gonna die of embarrassment and we never die of embarrassment we just keep on kicking and eventually the thing that you thought you didn't and couldn't and never wanted to tell anyone you write it into us and we share it with everyone i went up to a work colleague because i could see something dark poking through his shirt i was like hey you've got a prickle on your back inside your shirt i'll get it i put my finger on it to wiggle it out and realized it was actually one of those big raised moles

she's trying to pull his mole off his back through his shirt how many more of these do you think we've got let's keep going okay all right i'm a cabin manager flight attendant and i do all the communicating with the pilots during the flight recently i embarrassed the absolute shit out of myself when cabin crew need to prepare the cabin for landing you will probably have heard people say on plenty of occasions cabin crew prepare the cabin for landing. Then I, as the manager, must call the flight deck below and say, I have received your PA. So when the pilots made a public announcement telling us to prepare the cabin for landing recently, I was in the back galley where a crew member was talking about a penis

of her recent Tinder date. Yes, we all love our gossip down there as the cabin crew. So when I called the captain to notify him, instead of saying, I have received your PA, I said very defiantly i have received your penis in the back galley hello it's britney from the back cabin i have received your penis fucking lol hashtag anal okay this is funny i'm a registered nurse i don't know if i find this funny just because i work in a hospital i'm a registered nurse on a busy surgical ward we had a patient stay with us for months and months so we got to know him pretty well he was quite unwell at this point and he had opened his bowels while lying in the bed and needed a hand wiping himself. So with the help of my student nurse, we rolled him onto his side

and I began wiping away. Being a man, you know, he was a little bit on the hairy side around the back end. And as I was wiping, I accidentally pulled some of his bum hair. Oh, whoops, I'm sorry, I said to him straight away. No worries, was his reply. Well, so I thought. On the next wipe, he rips an almighty fart on me, turns over his shoulder to look at me and says, got your back. that is not okay i think it's so funny like it's so gross and it's so wrong but do you go to hr about this you're like i'm sorry but patient number five just farted on me i'm not okay with this and did it on purpose as well she said they actually just all lost it she's like i just could i couldn't believe it but i picture him like you know those sexy photos where someone's

like looking back over their shoulder i think like one of your french girls well he's like this old man that's naked with poo on his bum and he looks over and goes, got you back. That's so cute. Okay. So speaking of flight ones, I've got one more for you guys. And then I'm out. I'm tapping out. This is it for me. This is an embarrassing story for a passenger, not me as the flight attendant. Well, actually it's a little bit embarrassing for me too. But anyway, we had a full flight. It was really busy and we had really, really demanding passengers on this flight. I went to answer another call from a passenger who had been ringing their bell on and off for the entire flight. The passenger looked at me so angry and so disgruntled and yelled in very broken

English. I've been fingering you for 20 minutes and you're still not coming. Waving his finger in my face. I looked surprised. I'm sure the rest of the cabin was pissing themselves. The woman next to the guy couldn't stop laughing. I die. I've been fingering you for 20 minutes. Do you know what? We've all been there. We've all had a guy finger us for 20 minutes and we still weren't coming. There are so many funny things that just happen with a language breakdown, like a language barrier, because I've been in so many situations where I've done the same thing overseas. So I really feel for that person because I'm sure he wasn't trying to sexually harass her. I'm just going to finish with one. I don't know how I feel. It's pretty gross. I'd been chatting to this guy

from work for a while. We eventually slept together, but only once after a really big night out. We'd been drinking all afternoon. We'd gotten home, starting to hang out. Things are starting to get frisky a little bit heated we're both naked and I start to go down on him I'm halfway I'm halfway through giving him an epic blowjob you know when you know it's good you know when it's good and then suddenly I feel something tickling my lady parts and I'm like whoa what's that anyway I keep going and doing my thing because I know I'm feeling it then suddenly I realized what it was yep he was trying to finger me with his foot yes he was attempting to stick his big toe into my vagina while I was giving him a blow job

I was so grossed out I was trying to do this weird dance to try and dodge his foot but he was not give up and I went to the left he went to the left I went to the right I think he thought I was into it safe to say I'm hard to get he's trying to play hard to get with the foot safe to say i ended things pretty quickly and it was awkward in the office i cannot deal with you guys i i actually please tell me no i've ever been like you don't call it finger do you call your footed finger footed toad hey that makes sense for you toey do you know what i used to date a guy this is the same guy who if you listen to yesterday's episode just had a mattress on the floor with no top sheet he used to try and have sex with the back of my knee what like hang on

whoa you didn't just drop that at the end of a bonus episode you dated someone that tried to sex your knee like when it's bent yeah like he would bend my knee and then try and sex behind my knee stop it you are telling me a porcupine we used to sleep on a mattress on the floor and he would sex the back of my knee and that is it from us no it's not it no it is not absolutely you need to back it up i have seen some things i have lived a whole other life guys hang on this is a thing i need to know about you need to share this what do you mean okay is this an actual thing like sometimes you'd have normal vaginal sex sometimes you'd have a part of it it would be like he used to say i just want to have sex with all of you so you try and speak and i was flattered by it

the time. Fuck my knee real good. I actually, guys, if you can see me right now, this happens probably once a year. I'm lost for words. How have you never told me that you dated somebody that wanted to sex your knee fat? It's not fat, but it's the back. It's the behind the knee where your knee bends. It was my hammy. Where it squishes. It's my sexy hammy. Oh, it was your Kami, that's okay then. Sorry, my bad. Anyway, guys, if you have any actually. This is my little thing.

No more things. Would he finish on that? Or was it just like the foreplay? Like, would he actually come in your knee? It's a good way to not get pregnant. I don't think he ever came in my knee. Like, I think he, there was definitely like, okay, look, we don't need to go into that. I was like 19, guys.

I was new to sex. The whole thing was weird to me. Guys, I'm so sorry. I'm still figuring out where to put it. Guys, I just don't know what to say. Thanks for coming and listening. We will be back with our normal episode tomorrow, which is Ask Uncut.

So if you have some serious things you want to ask us, we're going to give you our most enthusiastic advice. But after listening to today's episode, you might not want to. Guys, again, a big shout out to Stan for bringing this episode today. And if you haven't watched the bold type, the new season, please go and do it. And, oh, my God, I hope you love that as much as we do. I'm tapping out.

I can't deal with you anymore, Laura. And if you haven't seen any of The Bold Type yet, like I'm actually a little bit jealous of you because you can go back and watch the whole thing from the start. So go and get a monset. Maybe you guys feel a little bit better after listening to that episode

about your workplace fuck-ups. And we will see you again tomorrow with Ask Uncut. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love! And your embarrassing stories. We'll be right back.