Life Uncut - BONUS EP - We don't f*ck on weeknights

Episode Date: July 6, 2021

LIFERS, we might be on break but we all need a good laugh in the current climate with lockdown.So we have the best surprise for you ever, a bonus accidentally unfiltered episode on a Wednesday...... what is this madness?!Do not pass go, do not collect $200. This ep will be the mood boost that a lot of us in lockdown need.In this ep, we’ve collaborated a whole bunch of your funniest stories about dating and boy oh boy is the dating world a jungle.Here, you’ll hear everything from the guy who would only have sex on weekdays, to the spreading of a loved one’s ashes ruining a kissable moment. Jump on in and enjoy.If you have an accidentally unfiltered for us, slide on into our DMs on Instagram or hit us up in the podcast facebook group “Life Uncut Discussion Group.” We would love for you to share this pod with someone that you know, and leave us a review!We appreciate you all, and we love lovvvvvve!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life on Tide. Well, it's not really an episode. Well, I mean it is, but it's a bonus episode. It is one of our very special, extra ridiculous episodes that we like to bring you. Here we are trying to take a little break. And so instead of just taking a break, we're like really just like, we're really pre-loading that break by doing all these little bonus bits of content. But we did do a bit of pre-recording before Brittany actually headed overseas.

And we have stashed this episode in our back little pocket, just waiting for the perfect time to bring it out. And that is because last time we did a bonus episode of Accidentally Unfiltered Stories, it went so gangbusters and we know how much you guys love these also i was just in hysterics over that i wish we could have just kept we should have kept going i wish we did because we had so many ridiculous stories but we're like why not bring you the lols again and like laura said why can't we just have a break laura what is wrong with us like is this a personality thing we're like cool let's just finally take two weeks off but not really we're like psych we're still

here guys don't leave us love us forever we have separation anxiety and we miss you that's all it so today's one we've done the workplace accidentally unfiltered now we wanted to bring you a little dating accidentally unfiltered and we didn't really care what sort of dates or if they were long-term relationships or one-night stands or tinders or friends we didn't really care we did care they were all shit dates let me tell you that oh no one thing i have learned is oh my god i like the dating world needs to up its game because i can't believe some of this stuff is happening to people but it did get me thinking okay so a couple of weeks ago a friend of mine came to me with this story and I sort of laughed, but I wasn't really laughing out of hysteria. I

was laughing a little bit like, I just can't believe this stuff is happening. So I want to kickstart it with this. And then we're going to go into some really, really funny ones. She went on a date. She hadn't been on a date in a while. And she really liked this guy. She was at the dinner. She had drinks. She thought the date was going really well. And she was getting a little bit nervous because she hadn't kissed anyone in a long time, you know, lockdown, etc etc I feel like on the best of days we all feel nervous she knew that the kiss was going to come because she could feel that tension they'd gotten along all night he was walking her to her door she's getting very anxious they get to the front door and she's like here it comes it's

coming it's coming like she really liked this guy and he was like I had a great time he's like but can I just ask you something and she was like getting ready to puck her up then he said I think you're great she's like well here it comes and he's like but oh god I just feel like maybe we're more friends and I just wanted to ask you if you don't mind is the girl in your tinder photo with you single yes I do mind I do mind he's like because I didn't really feel anything with you but I think she's really cute she was so gobsmacked and she's like I actually felt like a bit of a bad friend because my friend is single but I was like no she's not she's very happily in a long-term relationship and left I was just gobsmacked like in what world is that okay the thing that makes

me like the most upset about this whole episode is that normally it's you it used to be you Brittany who would bring these dating stories and this is what we all live for now you're happy and now we have to just call on the community for them I think I still probably have some suppressed trauma that will come back later in like flashbacks in the future yeah but I'm just not there yet I have a girlfriend had a similar situation except it wasn't so much about her friend being in the photo so she rocked up at this date and she'd been talking to this guy on and off for about a week and a half but he hadn't linked his instagram to his tinder profile like rookie error you've got to stalk the guy before you actually go on a date right 100 so she ended up going on this day and it

was a dinner date you know like also never do dinner dates you do a drink first and then that can roll into dinner but always have like an escape and exit strategy 100 so she gets there i'm sorry i'm so glad for this like constant yes 100 so she gets there to her date and she's waiting she's sitting at the restaurant and then the other guy in the photo rocks up and what she didn't realize is that every single fucking photo on his tinder profile had this other guy in it so she thought she was going on a date with the hot one and then like the short friend who was on the far left rocked up and this is dating 101 if somebody doesn't have a photo of just themselves ever it's just a no you can't trust that you can't risk it she kind of got catfished but i feel like

it's unintentional like she was like showed me the photos and there is no way that you would think the guy on the far left in the corner of the photo was the guy that you're going to go on a date with and here we are but in hindsight no it didn't work out okay so it's not like it was just really funny or anything like a danny devito no and so guys we did the call out for you to send us your most embarrassing accidentally unfiltered dating stories and we will get into them in a second but one of you and i'm gonna keep you anonymous because i you know we do that for you you're all anonymous you're always anonymous no one needs to know this however one of you you're a fucking rock star you sent us a synopsis instead of sending us one accidentally unfiltered

story you just went through your whole dating list and i'm gonna read this out because this just had me in hysterics and i also think this really encapsulates dating in the modern day so if you think you're having a rough time you're not alone todd couldn't get it up and sent me fake flowers to work andrew g andrew g shocking sleep apnea and i had to sleep in another room James, he got locked out of his house and I had to break in for him as Kuna Guy caught a blue-tongued lizard and played with it for ages. Tim H. rocked out to first date on Viagra and Coke. Turns out he was married.

Tim L. He could only come when I told him I wanted him to come in my mouth. Where does this girl get these dates? Josh, won't fuck on weekdays. There's so many more. That was like the first five. Man, I feel for you, but I also, I can relate. two things two things did he bring the blue tongue lizard or did he catch the blue tongue lizard on the day i think he like they maybe they went for a bushwalk and he called a blue tongue lizard and

then he was like well this is more interesting than date play with it all day who doesn't fuck on weekdays is that like a superstitious thing this could be like our new motto don't fuck on weekdays do you know what i was thinking as you're reading that i was like i could write one of those and it would be so long to be fair i think i only have sex on saturday nights when the kids are in bed yeah but i don't think that's because it's a rule i think that you just exhaust it and like that's the day of the week you get to do it okay we're gonna kick this off and get into some of your most embarrassing stories this is truly like this is our favorite part of every episode but this is just like the most heartfelt cathartic medicinal thing to laugh over people's like

absolute fuck-ups brit you can kick it off fuck where do i start that's literally what this girl fuck where do i start i'm well known for liking my older men the silver foxes and i'm also bi anyhow there's this guy that I got set up with on a blind date from a workmate I've dated two people in the last eight years so you can imagine how nervous I was I reluctantly go on this date and this guy oh my fucking god he was sexy as fuck there's a lot of fucks in this it's like I thought we saw a lot like instantly I got the fanny flutters ladies you know the kind we started getting to know each other and we go on a couple of days we had that big oh several times every time we hooked up I'm talking the sex is mind-blowing incredible this is why I like

older men the floodgates were definitely opened eventually I tell him I'm bi and that I've had threesomes in the past my friends now I am very open with telling them what I get up to I tell them very intimate details of this guy and they are hyping me up I was just loving it they were like yes get a girl fucking hard have those orgasms they were asking me every single detail Everybody needs a woo girl in their corner. Everyone needs a sex woo girl. One night we were at his house getting very, very saucy. We didn't hear anyone come inside, so we kept going.

When we finally realised someone was there, we stopped. We went to check it out. To my absolute horror, one of my mates was in the kitchen. I was so confused. I was like, girl, what are you doing here? But she just looked at me like a ghost. That's when the old silver fox came out with a towel around him. Oh, shit, I'm really sorry.

I forgot my daughter was crashing here this weekend. And that's when I realised, that's when my friend and I realised simultaneously that she's been hyping me up to fuck her dad. Mummy, is that you? How do you ever recover from that? Where does your friendship go? What happens? She was hyping me up and I had just thought that the day before I was telling her how

good he was at going down on me. I couldn't see him after that because it was awkward and she's still funny with me sometimes. but hey he was amazing oh my god could you imagine that moment daddy's in the towel you're in the middle that she has just heard you having sex so it's bad for everyone the friend's like oh my god my dad's pounding someone then it realizes that he's pounding your friend then you realize you've said how good your dad is at going down on you to your friend i can't it's just like the most awkward triangle i have ever come across but imagine if they stayed together then they got

married and then she became a stepmom oh my god i have one for you guys try to keep this short and sweet. I went on this Tinder date with a guy and we decided to meet in the city. I drove. He caught an Uber thinking it was going to be a big night. I guess that was the first red flag. I decided to have a couple of drinks and we ended up playing pool and having a pretty good time. Anyways, it was late and I decided I wanted to head home. He walked me to my car and awkwardly waited there. Me being me, I couldn't help myself and I offered him a drive home. He lived 40 minutes in the opposite direction. That was very kind of you. Anyway, we hopped in the car and I was driving. oh my god I'm cringing already that this happened he lent in to kiss my neck as I was looking dead

into the window but then he proceeds to whisper into my ear I just love your titty witties clearly thinking this was a turn on oh my god I'm still scared to this day I ended up pulling up to his house and I told him to get out he then turns to me and says come inside and play some battleships with me in a sexy voice I could not believe what was happening clearly did not get the picture i still have secondhand embarrassment for him this day okay shout out to any men listening please never refer to them as teeny weenies that is not gonna get you anywhere i once had a guy on a first date say to me you're so beautiful i think he was pretty drunk but i'm gonna he literally sounded like this you're so beautiful i'd slay a dragon for you

and then stared at me really blankly then i still had sex with him yeah of course you fucking course you did you're like okay sold are you giving me attention oh my god we're going they're in love we're gonna have children you had me a dragon the last date i went on before jordan told me i slept with him too he told me that i had a really masculine energy and that i was a boy in my he thinks i was a man in my past life i remember you telling me this and And then he said you had strong legs. I still hooked up with him. This is Brittany and Laura just reinforcing bad behaviour since 1986.

Okay, I've got one. Okay, this one's pre-cooked. I was on a third date and we decided to go camping for a night, not too far away. This is cute, I thought. I pictured toasting marshmallows over a fire under the stars and making love outside. I watched too many movies, obviously. Firstly, it rained, so all that went out the window. We went to bed in our separate sleeping bags, which at first I thought was a little off.

I thought we would just be super cute and snuggle all night. This thought process soon changed drastically. In the middle of the night I woke up feeling really uncomfortable. I have IBS you see and I felt a pain in my tummy so I was thinking oh I probably need to go to the toilet soon. Then I felt something wet in my pants thinking oh great now I have my period too. I reached in to check wanting to be sure that it was my period. I know this sounds gross but I didn't want to get up in the cold and wet if I didn't actually need to. I touched it and pulled my hand out only to discover i had shit in my sleep in my undies and in my sleeping bag my date was literally laying next to me and i was a shit burrito we shit we shit on one hand i tried to frantically escape

my sleeping bag with only one good hand and find my way out of the tent i made it out and ran through the rain to the toilet so now i was a soaking wet shit burrito i cleaned myself up threw my undies out and tried to sneak back in thinking i'd escaped successfully in the morning when we woke up. My date said, oh my God, all I could smell was shit all night. The baby next door must've been eating a dead animal. I'm ashamed to say I blamed the baby. We've been dating for 18 months and I can't bring myself to tell him. Maybe one day after I've locked him down and married him, I'll tell him I shat my pants on our third date. It's so uncomfortable. Do you know, I was trying to think of embarrassing things that I've done on a date and the only thing I

could think of, well, actually it's a lie. The only thing I could think of that I hadn't shared with you guys yet so this is the guy if you've been an OG listener you will remember I told you the story about a guy I dated for like a year we were in a situation ship he never ever actually wanted to confirm to be my boyfriend surprising why yeah shocker he was dating five other people no I think it was just because I was such a hot mess of a person at the time so at the time like I went through this period I didn't have IBS because I had all the tests done but there was something wrong with me okay there was something wrong with me I don't know what it was anyway I'd gone over to his house for a date we'd only been dating for a couple of weeks and it was very

casual at this point in time and he lived in a tiny one bedroom studio where the bathroom was in the bedroom so like the bathroom there's no escaping and then the lounge where the tv is was directly outside the bedroom it's this tiny little contained apartment anyway we were sitting there watching a movie and he cooked dinner he was a chef and I could feel my stomach just doing backflips and I was like oh god oh god and there's no way to pray for me anyway I was like I'm so sorry I'm gonna have to go to the toilet go to the bathroom like unleash the fury did you have music on no wait I turned the tap on to try and like mask it anyway so unleash the fury the fucking window wouldn't open so I was like oh my oh my you've got to be kidding me so I just like

you know put some hand soap around like trying to like fan it around anyway nothing helped and then I left like I shut the bathroom door I shut the bedroom door I opened the bedroom window just in case and then I came back into the little lounge room area which was like attached to the bedroom and I sit down next to him we keep watching the movie and like I was gone for 25 minutes the guy knows what I was doing you're obviously doing a shit and he would have heard it because I was like I was like never go back in the bathroom you need to renovate please also don't light a match anyway we're sitting there watching the movie he doesn't say anything to me 10 minutes later It's the middle of fucking winter, right?

Ten minutes later, he just gets up and opens the balcony door. Saddle, Fred. Saddle. I was like, I think I need to go home. Anyway, that happened. Turns out he never wanted to date me. It was so weird. That's so weird.

So here's another one. So a few years ago, I was sleeping with a guy here and there. It was nothing more, and we were just in similar friend groups and often ended up texting each other and hooking up after nights out. On one occasion, the last occasion, I went round to his place on the way home. All was great, but once things started getting frisky, I remembered I had a tampon in.

I didn't really have my period. It was the day after it had ended, and I was wearing the tampon just in case, but still kind of gross. Anyway, awkwardly, I jumped up and told him, oh, I really need to go pee and run to the bathroom. But being a dickhead young guy, he told me I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom as his roommates were having a party down the back of the end of the house.

Excuse me. And he didn't want them to see me. unsure of what to do I said oh okay uh yeah that's fine whatever so I ran and I turned his bedroom lights off and I secretly whipped out my tampon and hid it in the pocket of my black jeans everything was fine from there we had sex had a little cuddle and then I was getting ready to go home in the morning so of course I got myself dressed and I was on my merry way once I was walking down the street towards the main road to get an uber I remembered oh yeah shit that's pretty gross i've got my tampon in my pocket i reach into my pocket to quickly chuck it in the

bin only to my surprise realizing it wasn't there i panicked and i questioned if i should go back and sneakily find it but obviously that's far too awkward so i shrugged it off and went home about four years on and i see this guy at parties here and there i remembered what i did with the tampon turns out i must have put it in the pocket of his black jeans thinking they were i never heard from him again that is so that is so cooked but what if what would you do if you were i mean you're not gonna ever text if you found a tampon in your pocket and you're a used airport in your back do you know what sucked in that's what you get for telling your date she's not allowed to go

the toilet because you don't want anyone to know she exists but also like think of me later that is karma sucked in and good for you girl okay hey after coming i'm just imagining waking up putting my jeans on and someone's tampon being in my pocket it's proper cooked cooked all right guys after coming out of a five-year relationship about three months after i decided to meet up with an old flame from roughly 10 years ago we go out for drinks we had a great time and the drinks were flowing the lols were abundant we went back to his and after a few more drinks we hopped into bed to do the nasty afterwards we're in bed cuddling and kissing and he sort of turned his head away from me and boldly said wow way to ruin a good

night your breath fucking stinks my heart stopped i had no idea what to do or say so i went with oh no what does it smell like his response man I don't know like fucking dog food it absolutely stinks by this point I had basically flatlined all I could think was that I had just been breathing all over this poor man for the last five to six hours with chum breath and he decides to tell me now naked and vulnerable and laying in his bed that's really mean that's so fucked my natural response was oh I'm I'm so sorry I could brush my teeth if it helps to which at this point he looks back over at me confused and says oh what oh no i'm sorry i was talking to my dog ruby she's just beside the bed here thank god what a save because i would have been so quickly out of that

bed okay i've got a quick one i was on a date with a guy he walked me home and we started making out as we were saying goodbye as we were kissing i went to change sides and he says out loud whoop she's going the other way you don't need the live commentary nobody needs to fucking commentator kiss okay I've got another quick one I was meeting up with someone I had been set up with as he was approaching I had a complete mind blank and forgot his name I was like shit what am I gonna do so on the way to the first drink I saw a Starbucks so I said I'm feeling really tired from work mind if we grab a quick takeaway coffee to walk with sure he said I stood there awkwardly so he would go in and order purely so they would call out his name that is so brilliant I think

it's brilliant what a good way you could not be that into a guy like I'm gonna say how do you know if you're invested or interested in a person do you remember their name no I probably don't go on a second date I feel like it's different if someone's like look just just trust me I'm gonna say oh Bobby from work it's Jimmy's friend just go and she's like fuck fine and she's there and she just had a mind blank what initiative you have used I'm sorry but I'm like I'm gonna I was gonna say I'm gonna lock that one away the old Brittany would have locked that one away only if you're dating so many people that you can't remember someone's name like I feel like that that you are like you must be on the dating merry-go-round to be able to go and actually

see someone face to face and mentally mind blank their name okay so it all started at my five-year school reunion I was a bit of a meh student in high school and boys didn't really give me a second glance you say I was a meth head in high school what did you say meh like m-e-h I was a bit meh I thought you said she was a meth head I was like whoa cowgirl slow down she wasn't doing meth. She was just a bit meh and boys didn't pay her any attention. So when I went to my five-year school reunion and what I at the time thought was the hottest guy since Zac Efron starts talking to me, you can imagine how excited I was. We ended up going on a few dates and then I decided it was time to do the deed. We start to get down to business and within not even 10 seconds, the poor

guy comes. I feel secondhand embarrassment for him so I don't say anything and I tell him it's totally okay he decides to stay the night you can imagine my shock horror when i wake up to him frantically scrubbing the sheets in the middle of the night i decided to pretend like i was still asleep however and then i heard him get up and he left shortly after so i switched on the lights he had legit shit the bed i can confirm he's not zach efron i'm talking full shit everywhere it's safe to say i never heard from him again look to be fair i'd be okay with zach efron shitting in my bed okay zach i frankly shit in my bed but not many other people what would you do if someone's shat in your bed on a date you were the girl you've gotten up he's gone and there's poo in

your bed just out of curiosity do you text him and be like bro like you pooed my bed you owe me some sheets or do you just forget it thanks for the great night however i think you forgot something you forgot something like gastro stop would you text me no would you pretend it didn't happen oh look it depends it depends i it's a big poo it's ruined your sheet i told you about the time the guy peed in my way no he peed in his own bed so that was fine and then he tried to deny it he tried to deny it and say that he'd spilt water and i was like we know the difference between the smell of water we had so another girl writing actually just reminded me she wrote in and she said she woke up she

weed the bed on a like on a hookup and she panicked so she went and got a cup of water and ran back into the bedroom to like try to surprise him and like be more like good morning she planned the whole thing so she went to pretend to jump on the bed and wake him up and be like morning and then she chipped the water over the sheet so it looked like she just spilled the water on the way i was like cute but also he's gonna know he's gonna know he's gonna know do you know what guys for anybody who's out there who's single who's been having some definite dating disasters i just hope that this little accidentally unfiltered bonus air brings you some joy and some comfort to let you know that we're all in the same boat we've all been in the same boat i'm gonna read you one

that was from a guy and i love that because it's not just men that are cooked there are plenty of widow women out there too i was on a first date that i thought went really well we had a great dinner drinks and laughed all night we kissed as i put her into her uber and i told her how great I thought the date was. I asked to see her again tomorrow for lunch, but she said she couldn't because she is a vampire and can't be in the sun. She said she was free for dinner again though, but unfortunately I was busy forever. Surely that's a joke. I don't know if it's a joke or not, but I feel like that those people are out there. They have to be. Okay. I reckon I'm going to tap out after this one here I am I was taken on a first date on a bushwalk it was a long bushwalk

that ended up in a big empty beach surrounded by rocks and a clifftop above he was adamant that we had to go for a walk around the point over the rocks I wasn't into it but I followed him anyway as the rocks were in the water we got quite wet and were sweaty from the walk as it was the height of summer we made it to an open area under a cliff and we were stopped and having a chat he awkwardly let in for a kiss but I kind of shut him down explaining I wasn't really that into him romantically he wasn't that happy about it and then we stood there awkwardly whilst he tried to convince me that i should kiss him all of a sudden the wind picked up and i thought the sand from the beach was blowing into our faces and i was like oh what is this what is this sand what

is this dust it was blowing so ferociously i had to close my mouth and my eyes to stop the sand from going inside suddenly it stopped and i rubbed the sand off my face and it dawned on me it wasn't sand at all but it was ash turns out there was a funeral above us and we had just had someone's ashes i don't know if i'm allowed to laugh at that we then had to walk awkwardly back to the car along the bushwalk covered in funeral ashes cremation oh my god hey if there's any way to get out of kissing someone i think that's it i think you've succeeded because you've got someone's body on your face like look it's been a rough day I'm wearing a guy named Fred okay I'm gonna read I'll read my last one I was getting ready to go on a date this is actually something that I would do

this is 100% me I was getting ready to go on a date with I kid you not the hottest fucking guy I think I've ever seen I was texting him where to meet and what time and at the same time I was taking photos in the mirror holding up outfits and sending them to my girlfriend because you know that's what girls do as if we ever get dressed by ourselves that is so true anyway I texted her SOS what do I wear on my date with my future husband tonight I'm trying for a mostly classy but also sort of sexy because I want to bang him but not have him think I'm easy kind of vibe I pressed send and continued to try on my outfits I hadn't heard back for about 20 minutes so I went to hurry her up with an answer when to my horror I saw that I had sent the text to him no response

yet r.i.p i was just thinking what country to move to when i saw those little dots start going he was riding back as we speak i almost couldn't bring myself to look and started to plan my funeral he wrote well whilst i'm currently not able to commit to marriage for quite a while i can confirm the second outfit is probably my favorite and if we do go down the track of consummating the impending marriage i assure you i won't think you're easy we went on the date didn't have sex out of principle but i've been dating for six months i said i was gonna finish but i'm gonna i'm gonna end with one more i was in the middle of a first date mid-convo the guy started playing with his back after five minutes he legit interrupted me

halfway through my story and says hey did i get it turns out he was squeezing a pimple while i was talking to him and wanted to make sure that he popped it it gets better as he was saying goodbye he asked for a lift back to his place because he had skated to the date and couldn't afford an uber hang on he popped a pimple on her back on his own back so he was he's sitting there just having a chat looking like he's scratching his back but he was squeezing a pimple and then i'll show if he got it not okay you've got another one i blew her out 10 minutes ago she's like i'm gonna wrap this okay this one this one got sent to us but it's actually from twitter this is a really i feel like this is a quick one to round it out unless you've got another i'm very another

sitting on the floor kissing talking about life talking about family turns out we're cousins oh my god no joke that happened to a friend of mine not even kidding they didn't know they were cousins they went on a first date and then they were talking about their family and they're like oh fuck i know auntie cindy in all honesty this like this literally happened to my friend they'd only kissed and they realized they were second cousins some people have big families mate someone's got to stop breeding in that family okay guys that is it from us thank you to every single person who has written in an accidentally unfiltered story we love bringing you these bonus episodes and we know that we are supposed to be taking a break but we're sick for

work and you can't get rid of us we hope you love the episode if you know someone that might get a little laugh from it or needs a little laugh send it their way and you know the drill leave a review hit five stars subscribe and share the love because we love love especially this i mean I mean, we don't love this kind of love. Like, this is fucked. This is cooked, you guys. I'm so sorry.