Life Uncut - Call it Daddy issues - Attachment Theory

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

Hello Lifers and welcome back to one of our favourite 'T' Day's of the week, Tuesday... which is also LIFE UNCUT day!Straight off the bat Britt is well and truely back in the dating game Halle- f*king -lujah, and praise be to the love Gods.We do the mandatory Bach chat, unpack last weeks episodes and get to the bottom of Areeba's ham sandwich. Followed by our favourite part of the episode - Accidentally Unfiltered.In what fun ways has your upbringing messed you up? Today we get deep and introspective and chat about attachment styles and Attachment Theory. Attachment styles are important they form how we make bonds with our romantic partners and they are heavily linked to our parents and our upbringing. Some might call it Daddy issues, we call it attachment Theory!We unpack our own attachment styles and you can too by taking this test:More in depth test - https://bit.ly/2CFLHhCSlightly quicker test - https://bit.ly/3awaIrQJoin in on the conversation by joining our Facebook Group Life Uncut Podcast and following @lifeuncutpodcastSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Brittany. Hi Brittany! How are you going? Brittany's very tired. She didn't get to bed until 4am last night, guys, and now it's Monday morning and we're bringing you the episodes.

Now, I don't want you to think I was out going wild because I most certainly was not. Her and her single life, she just can't get home on a Sunday night. No, I started filming a new film, just like a really small role in this feature film, but it literally ran so far over the clock. It was supposed to finish at about 11pm and it was 4am and I was still doing scenes and I was like, I have to get up in four hours to record a podcast, I need to go to bed. So Britt is so far beyond the point of tired that she actually looks high right now. And she's great for everyone.

We're going to bring you some solid content today. I promise. You know, when you wake up tired and you feel hungover, I haven't had a drink in ages. I haven't had been drinking at all. I know. Thank you guys. I'm sure you're really patting me on the back right now. But I feel hung over and I'm sorry, whilst you're writing me off, I wish you guys could

see the state of Laura. okay I have felt hungover for an entire fucking year because I have a one-year-old and right now I look exactly the point in case exactly the point in case yeah whatever I woke up at six I woke up at six this morning with Marley and I haven't showered or brushed my hair or done anything yet because I don't exist as a person anymore and everything I do is to keep a one-year-old alive so this is yeah wow that took a dark dark turn anyway here we are how was your week I haven't seen you in a few days because you went on a vacation I spent one night at a hotel which definitely felt like I went on a vacation um I have had a pretty uneventful week except for

Saturday I spent Saturday helping Matt shoot some content where he spent the entire day dressed in drag so I was like that's my man why hang on why do I feel like every second week Matt's dressed as a woman I think it's a fetish to be honest there's got to be something in that because he's always like hey babe I have an idea for a video I'll dress as a woman yeah guys if you follow like my Instagram or Matt's Instagram you would know that this seems to be a running theme I was actually at work on Thursday and often when Matt calls me and I'm at the office I put him on loudspeaker and so it was just because then I can have my hands free and I can do work whilst he's talking anyway I had him on loudspeaker and two of my employees were in the office sitting at their

desks and Matt goes oh babe I need some I need some of your clothes that I can wear for for Saturday I was like okay well I'll have to find something tonight because I don't want you stretching my clothes and he goes well what about that dress of yours I sometimes wear both my staff were just like what the fuck is going on that makes it sound like he just walks around the house for funsies in your clothes which he does doesn't he totally and I was like this is a completely normal conversation that we have often but the funny thing is it is probably normal to you you're like oh I know that one yeah I've just cleaned it for you honey yeah I was like it's a Grace Loves Lace $600 dress that you like to put on no problem I'll pull it out of the

wardrobe for you he's like I just love the feel of it on my skin really really defines his silhouette anyway I'm all here for it I'm like if that's his kink and he wants to do it he can pretend it's for social media we all know the truth and I'm here for it I'm going to support that man to the day I die does it do anything for you seeing him dressed in Grace Loves Lace well considering the fact that our sex life has rapidly declined in the last year potentially not I heard you almost had sex on the weekend so Matt told me he was like it was really great to almost have sex no Matt was like Matt was like please don't talk about me dressed in drag on your podcast why don't you just talk about the fact that we almost had sex and I was like oh I'll talk about that as

well then I'll do both so that was a big overshare um we didn't uh it didn't quite happen you don't have to keep sharing like we're good the end anyway how about the bachelor no brit how about your week tell me what's been happening in your life i don't i could cry i'm so tired i actually don't have anything to tell you i have two um i have two mishaps in my um you know how sometimes actually it's happened quite a lot i write an email and i i do it too quickly and i don't look at what I'm saying and it autocorrects and I send it. Yeah, like the time I sent an email to my entire department saying, kind retards, Laura Byrne.

Yes, I did that twice to two different people but the same day. Firstly, one was supposed to say, hey, Jessie, and I wrote, hey, Jesus. And sent it. Oh, you're the shining light, Jessie. You surely are the saviour that we all need. I actually don't know which one's worse. You'll have to tell me. So I said, hey, Jesus.

and then later on that day I went to say hey lovely because I often will do that if I sort of know the person hey lovely and I wrote hey lonely she's probably hopefully she hasn't gone through a breakup recently I reckon that hey lonely like if someone wrote that to me I'd probably just go lock myself in my room with a tub of ice cream I'm imagining if somebody wrote that to you you're like oh that was the icing on the cake that set me into a stage four breakdown it would be I'm ready they're like talk with you what happened I was like well it started with an auto correction and do we have any dating stories for me this week i'm just gonna really pry into your personal life since we all know too much about mine right so i went on a um walking date

went on a walking date with a guy like i didn't really think it through much it was online and spoken to him really briefly i don't like to speak to people for a long time and drag it out because i'm i am too old no but i'm also for that as well i think if you've connected with someone online it can you can end up becoming pen pals and like that's not what we're here for i mean yes 2020 has been a bit different and like obviously people haven't been able to act on their online connections as quickly and as easily but I think if you've contacted someone online you guys vibe you have the things in common it's like within a week you have to set a date or a time or something to see each other you can't just pen pal each other to death for sure and it was all

right for me when I was younger I quite enjoyed talking to people and having the fun and just having something there I am so short on time energy patience um I've been fucking whittled down guys I have been burnt into the ground they're literally like age sex location cool I'll be there um no I'm like we just chat and he's like what are you up to today and I'm like you know what I've actually got an hour free if you're around let's get a coffee and go for a walk and he was like yeah okay so sorry you said coffee okay just leave this but I went for a coffee not a coffee and so we met straight away now this doesn't often happen to me but I do get a really good reading straight away on somebody he walked around the corner of the coffee shop and as soon

as I saw him I just the energy wasn't right and I know that sounds crazy but I was like I just know that this isn't going to be great within one minute I was like oh my gosh this is going to be really really hard I just knew that it wasn't going anywhere and he was a great guy don't get me wrong it was fun like it was just it was it was not easy and I think it should be easy the conversation wasn't easy uh I don't know if he was nervous or something but I had to really like you know mate you guys know I can talk underwater but it was hard what do you do in that situation like is it okay if you are instantly not vibing someone you know it's not going to go anywhere can you cut that date short can you do like a 25 minute and be like hey nice to meet you

not for me like can you do that you can but I don't Brittany's dating him we're engaged no guys that wasn't even funny um no because well I don't like to hurt someone's feelings to that point and and we were going for a walk it was a nice day and also like I couldn't walk halfway and get an uber back I had to walk back so like you know fair and also like a walking date is pretty harmless like you can spend an hour in someone's company who you know you're not going to end up dating and just do the niceties of having a chat and it was a nice day anyway so it was look it was fine it was I just all I'm saying I'm not saying it was a bad date I'm just saying I just knew straight away that it was never gonna

go anywhere and I'm really big on being honest now because I hate people ghosting this is my advice and anyone that ever listens I think it's better to be the bigger person and be really honest I'm the same if someone doesn't feel it with me I would hope they would write to me and be honest and say great had a great day you're an amazing person didn't feel anything like whatever and I wouldn't I hands down couldn't care less if that was a first or second date I'd be like cool no worries so at the end of the date he said because we matched online and I think if you don't like not that you owe someone anything that early on in a relationship it's not even a relationship like you don't owe someone anything but there is a nice way and a rude way to handle

things I think if you've met someone you've given them your time sending some sort of like conclusion message is a nice way to bundle things up however you don't need to go into why you don't feel it with them like they don't need to be criticized on what you think about them based on their very limited experience with you I think I think with me if he didn't say anything at the end if we both just left and said hey had a great time see you later have a great day I wouldn't I wouldn't follow up and like tell him that I didn't want to see him again like I just want to send you this message look you seem great but I I'm just look I can't commit to this you need to back that's not USB no but the whole thing was at the end we matched online at the end he's like hey had a

really great time this is like in person and he went to play his phone he's like can I get your number and what you look at your phone I'm like what do you do yeah so I said oh I'll just fake one and run away I lost my phone I said hey um I'll just send it to you on hinge like put your phone away relax I'll send it to you on hinge so we left and he's like oh okay cool and I was actually going to message him because that's what I'm I'm honest like that before I got the chance because I went straight back to work before I got the chance it was only like an hour or so later he messaged and he's like this is my number I had a great time would love to see you again I wrote back a few hours later um look you're really great had a great time too but in complete

transparency I don't think I sort of felt anything romantic there happy to catch up as a friend sometime I think that's a great message yeah that's totally fine honest nice easy polite and he wrote back this is the funny bit he wrote back oh thank god 100% me too and I was like but what you just asked me out maybe he's totally just wanted to have sex with you which is fair I think it was a I think his message was a panic message like I think he felt bad that no I didn't want to make him feel bad I disagree I think I think you know there's always some level not always but like you know a lot of people will feel some level of ego bruising whether or not they were into it or not themselves but maybe he was into it and then hearing that you didn't feel

something when he did there's a defensive mechanism that comes into play there and he's like oh yeah me either I was just being polite yes that was just a defensive mechanism but I just felt a bit like I was like just just own that and just be like no worries see you around like yeah but we can't control other people's reactions like that's totally on him and for any men out there who listen to this podcast who are wanting a date with Brittany I just recommend rocking out wearing a red flag as a t-shirt and she'll be like that's my man I often ask to meet them I'm like the only way I'm going to know where you are is if you stand outside the coffee shop with a red flag like hold a flag it's the only way I can only recognize you in that way you know that's probably

as exciting as this week got guys well guys this week has been an exciting week there has been so much happening which actually it was last week not this week because this week hasn't really happened yet last week the bachelor started which we're going to get into we are also going to talk about some other things we're actually going to touch on i want to tell you about the bachelor in america the bachelorette something happened oh the og all right okay i'm down for that i don't follow the american bachelorette so this is going to be news for me i don't either but i just read it and i thought it was interesting so we also want to tell you what we're going to be talking about for today's podcast so that you don't have to listen to 35 minutes of us dribbling on without

actually having a clear idea of what the fuck you're in for i don't know i think this is the best content so today's episode if you guys remember a few weeks back we actually did an episode which was all about love languages and that we had such a great response to that episode all about how you communicate and how you show love and receive love today we're doing a follow up to that episode which is all about attachment styles and how you relate and bond with your adult partner adult partner that was weird how you relate or bond with your boyfriend or your girlfriend or whoever it is the important relationships yeah but also how you bond and attach yourself to your friendship groups as well. And how that that's actually linked to your relationship with

your parents and your daddy issues. So we're going to get really into that later on. But before we do get into that, yeah, we have some other shit we want to cover first. Why don't we jump straight in to The Bachelor? What do you think? I think we don't go deep. I just want to know what your thoughts are overall. I like, like, let's not go deep. It's like, it's the most like superficially fantastic. I love it. But it's like hardly deep conversation, the cocktail party night. no I mean let's not go into detail oh right it's just like that zaps my energy okay so for anybody who was following along on the Facebook group if you're not part of the group then here is my plug and a bit of a housekeeping as well we have a Facebook group it's Life Uncut Podcast

we really recommend if you're a bit of a Batchy Diehard fan to jump onto that Facebook group because as the episodes are happening Bachelor episodes are happening we have a running thread there where everyone is kind of contributing their hilarious commentary on the whole thing so there are a couple of questions that got asked in that facebook group feed which i just wanted to touch on because i thought they're actually really great questions some of them we have the answers for some of them we have no idea what the fuck was going on but from our experience we thought we could answer them starting with the one very important question where the hell did a reba's ham sandwich come from britney i always find this so interesting that it has happened in

my season two I don't know if it happened in yours when someone's like can I ask you some questions about The Bachelor I'm like of course open book ask what you want the first question is always about food and what we eat and I'm like you guys could ask me anything everyone always wants to know about the food I think it's because there's so much information out there about how production's manipulative or how like the edit happens and there's so much conversation about that but the actual like day-to-day running like how do you exercise how do you get food what does your downtime look like those sorts of questions are rarely answered and that stuff's really interesting especially for people who want to enter or actually are considering going on the

show but they're like well I understand what the outcome is going to be but I don't know what the day-to-day looks like during the filming yeah like I want to know where I'm going to get my ham sandwich from it's very important so I think what's happened is so we don't get food at the cocktail parties guys it's not an actual cocktail party but you're all you're obviously fed so you have a break for dinner and there's there's food that's catered so there's food all in the kitchen you actually have a proper break you sit down you eat your food but it's it's food like it's not sandwiches usually it's usually rolls and curries and like rice and but I'm wondering if I mean it's easy they could have had sandwiches that night she could have made a sandwich a ham

sandwich because she's hungry because you can do that I'm wondering if um she was actually on a break and they weren't properly filming when that went down and the cameraman just decided to grab it because it was content so I think she was probably just sitting there and eating yeah I was really surprised by it and when everyone was asking where did she get the ham sandwich from I was like I have no idea because you never are allowed to eat especially production food in like a plastic container on on set like it just doesn't happen so I'm thinking it's the same thing usually there's a catering truck that comes and they cater so mid-break they do a like a food break and then they do a big break at the end after the rose ceremony so you do have like these two separate

times to eat but we were absolutely not allowed to bring any of the catering food on set so when I saw her there with her dirty ham sandwich I was like you're a queen it was my sandwich also guys the the first lines filmed over two days so they're really really big days so she was probably just famished she probably scurried off to quickly like get some sustenance in her she was attacked stage left and I reckon the cameramen are just like boink bingo turn their cameras because the cameras never shut down they're always there even if the cameramen are like lulling around on the break they're always ready for action yeah I think it was a bit opportunistic but you kind of just answered a second question that came up on that group chat which was because I had mentioned oh

like guys let's keep some perspective about how wild Zoe's behaving because the cocktail party is filmed over two days and that kind of blew some people's minds so the cocktail the very first cocktail party no other cocktail parties are done in this way but the very first cocktail party is filmed over two separate days basically you get up and you get on a bus at about 8 a.m 7 a.m it's quite early and then you start doing hair and makeup in groups so there's so many girls to get through there's only a limited amount of makeup and hair artists and they do a group at a time so usually they split into three different groups there's a group in the morning a group in the middle and a group in the afternoon so then just before sunset you get taken to location

and then right when dusk happens that's when the first that's when the first like walk down the walkway meet their bachelor blah blah blah that all happens the first night takes so long because it's all the introductions that by the time they get to the end of the cocktail party the cocktail party's really only gone on for a couple of hours and so the last girl who arrives has only had like one or two hours at the cocktail party it's about 3 a.m 4 a.m and they wrap up put everyone back on the bus take you all home then at about 7 a.m 6 a.m the next day you get back up so you've had three hours sleep you get your hair and makeup done exactly the same you get put back into the exact same clothes you do the whole thing again and then on the third day you get back in those

same clothes you get back in that same hair and makeup and you do the voxies which is when you're talking to camera and you spend the whole day doing voxies about their cocktail party there was there was three weeks earlier it's intense so you have three separate days that you're wearing the exact same hair and makeup outfit and that's how they managed to get so much content for that first night. Also, they don't do it for any other reason than they physically have to. There is just not enough time to get through every girl's arrival, get through a whole cocktail party and get all the content. So they're not doing it for any reason to be manipulative in any way or they don't want to do it, but there's just not enough time in a day. So totally. But it explains

why by the end of that cocktail party, everyone is just totally fucking like blotto, not even drunk blotto but they're just so exhausted but I did enjoy how they were like oh and Zoe took ill so she can't be here tonight took ill we've all taken ill at some point when I have 17 Bacardi breezes I take ill as well I was so perplexed by that rant like the rest of the world because apparently she's gone viral on TikTok she's a TikTok meme or something is that a thing meme on TikTok you just sounded so old just then but yes I'm gonna guess it's a thing she's a TikTokity she's a tiktoking meme the one thing that's been so ironic that's come out as like the the main conversation around that is that zoe very very caucasian zoe has taken aim at the

only person of color on the show and said that she is victimizing her because of the way she looks which the irony in that is just brilliant probably not so great for 2020 and where we're at at the moment in society but oh god the entertainment factor you know we have to keep perspective on who the villains are we have to keep perspective on the edit and all that sort of stuff but I'm here for this yeah and it's super important to remember to like if you want to laugh at people um you can have your opinions but have them inside have you use your inside voice and your internal monologue and it's really important that you don't go and put those opinions on the internet you don't be nasty you don't make fun of people like on their pages um just remember that too

like with the Facebook group it's all very light-hearted if anything negative gets said it gets deleted. You guys, someone will report your ass and I'll delete the comment and then send you a message saying, keep it up. Keep it upbeat guys. Keep it nice. But also there's been a few questions because I personally know Bella who's from this season. And there's been a few questions around how I know her and what my relationship is like with her. And so I just want to like clear the air before Daily Mail writes any fucking rumors that aren't true. So I have known Bella for about three and a half years now. Basically I met her after we finished filming The Bachelor and when Matt and I started we were together and we started going to different

events and things we went to an event in Sydney and I met her and I met another girl named Jade Tunchi and we just got along really really well we ended up going out for dinner afterwards and that's how we became friendly you know I've seen her probably once in the last year and a half but we've always been on good terms she's a really really lovely person and so that is how we know each other I didn't know she was doing the show I had no idea I found out afterwards um I actually it's a lie I found out during only because Florence had sent me screenshots of her photos from Daily Mail so they'd been pap photos that have come out and Florence who also knows Bella was like holy shit how's this for some synchronicity in life so yeah that's how I know her um I have

no insider goss which means that I can speculate all the fuck I want guys yeah I like I like that I like that you don't know we like Britt and I we're so far removed from the girls who are on this season that we can talk about it but we genuinely have no idea what the outcome is and that's what makes all of this so much more enjoyable for us actually I wonder if that's why you and I bonded because like in this weird way I mean I trauma trauma is bonding babe this is gonna this is gonna sound weird because um I've just done Bachelor in Paradise but I've never been involved in the bachelor world everyone knows each other in paradise they all speak they've all been in each other's dms i didn't know one person i'd never spoken to one other person before never

seen to the dms you didn't go to bali that time didn't go to bali but everyone comes out and it becomes a really incestuous world i was always very removed i left and i just went and got on with my life i think you sort of did that too and it sounds weird that to say that i'm not involved with anyone else because i do this with you and you're from the bachelor but apart from that you and I don't we don't want the goss from every other person on every other season so I think it's nice that we can now sit here and not have no attachment to anyone in this season we can talk openly about it so anything we do say guys we literally know nothing like I'm sick of the entertainment value now like I love watching The Bachelor because I think it's funny I think it's

entertaining I I enjoy the love story like I actually genuinely believe that couples can come out of it and that people can believe it well that's probably because here we are but um that's yeah that's why I'm so into it it's not because I have a relationship or any sort of attachment to the people who do it now I mean I feel sorry for them sometimes but apart from that on the first episode when it happened when it when it happened when they started walking in I got this feeling of like nostalgia it was really weird I was like oh my god I sort of missed this house and like the friendships and going through that how weird and then two seconds later all hell broke loose and i was like no no i don't i like that you had a moment of nostalgia and every time

i see the first episode all i feel is wild anxiety do you wild anxiety you got the happy ending bro let's get in well i've got something else oh god here we are i want to get into the accidentally unfilled no we've got so much more to get through hey so i don't follow the u.s bachelorette but i found this really bloody interesting they cast claire crawley so she's she's actually a veteran she was on season 18 of the bachelor then she did two lots of paradises then she did then she did the bachelor winter games which i don't know if you know what that is it's like another spin-off so she's courtney did so courtney who was on georgia love season he went over and that's how we met lily mcmanus because he did the winter games i would love to do that the bachelor in

the states they really they drain and wring out as much content out of the bachelor series as possible they've got like four different spin-offs we've just got paradise they've got one for every season imagine just going to the snow snowboarding with some friends maybe hooking up with the love of your life i'll be like brilliant it's like my dream britney's pitching herself a bachelor in winter why she's like i've already on the paradise one i'm ready for my winter wonderland the next season bachelor in spring all right tell me what happened so claire crawley anyway she's she became bachelorette so they announced the bachelorette then this is all speculation okay but it's everywhere so i don't want you to say it's gospel it must be true it must be true they announced

her as bachelorette then covid happened and everything went into lockdown so they went into a four down lockdown then they came back out and started to film 10 to 12 days into filming now this goes for months she refused to come out of her room she's like i'm done i don't want to date anyone else i'm in love with dale there's this guy called dale moss one of the contestants i'm in love with dale i want no one but dale don't want to see one but dale i'm not coming out of my room i'm quitting the show in 10 days of filming she's in love with someone and wants to leave the show lol kano she would have spent three minutes with him we all know how that works she's probably has only had one single date with the guy now where this gets interesting it's come out that

in the four months lockdown dale has slid into her dms oh slippery mcgee dale slippery dale slippery dazzy so he's like obviously been like hey i'm on the show whatever they've formed this bond for four months falling in love with a weekend she's like fuck this and now they're engaged this is all speculation they she left the show halfway through they had to bring people back they've had to find a new bachelorette and it's been chaos and that has never ever happened in bachelor history so i thought that was interesting but how sneaky is it getting is finding out the bachelorette getting ahead of time and making her fall in love with you before the show starts it's brilliant power move dale brilliant power it's a really great game plan that's for sure

But also I think like 2020 is pretty fucked anyway. Like something else had to go wrong for them, right? I blame COVID. It's your fault. Well, there's one more funny thing about The Bachelor that you just brought to my attention. Do you want to tell the people? So Britt didn't know about this and maybe you guys don't know about this.

And I promise after this story, this will be the last batch thing that we will talk about on this episode. But last night when I was sitting on the couch, minding my own business, scrolling Instagram, something popped up which I felt highly highly amusing and that is that Matt Wyatt and Kieran from Paradise are having a charity boxing match and they're gonna try and punch the shit out of each other for charity and I just think boys you need to put your dicks away enough is enough I actually found this so funny because they nearly had a punch up on Paradise now they've taken it

into a public arena and I think it's embarrassing no look it's for charity so I'm here for it anything that goes to charity I'm here for but I just think why boys like and they've called it battle of the bachelors look I mean of course it's for charity like money for anything that's going towards a good cause is important but I don't know is there is the sentiment behind why they're doing it for a good cause I don't think so like they obviously don't like each other they obviously have a beef and then to want to beat each other up I just think the whole thing's pretty dirty and I think there's a big competition element to it there's a big like my dick's bigger than your dick there's a lot of jealousy there's just a lot of like pent-up hate and aggression

and I don't think beating the shit out of each other for charity is a great idea I feel like on Instagram they like made up because there's been apologies and whatever like I don't think their best is but I feel like they're like yeah bro I respect you sorry whatever I don't know You know what boys do. But I think Kieran's going to lose. Actually, let's do this. Okay, we're going to put a poll on Instagram. We're going to put a poll in our Facebook group as well.

Who do you think is going to win, Kieran or Matt? I reckon Kieran talks a big talk, but maybe doesn't have the gusto behind the gas. Oh, that was a good one. There you go. From what I have seen, what I've known, I would, and it's nothing against either person, but I would have just been like, yeah, Matt's got this in the bag.

but kieran i believe has been training properly at a boxing gym like i think they're really going to town i think it's it's gonna be really serious but like how embarrassing because someone's gonna lose like one person's gonna lose i would i just would never say yes to this in case i was the loser let us do it how about we do a charity boxing match who would win out of you at me nah no way i'm a i'm a wiry little girl i'd get you like a greyhound could you imagine who wants to see brit and i do a boxing match let's put that poll up no we're not gonna do it but let's just see who people think would win you're too nice people yeah but i'm an animal i'm a low key animal i'm an underdog animal this is what people don't realize everyone's like oh britney's

so lovely laura's got issues i am lovely i just mean i'm fit i just mean i'm fit and lovely if it was like a fight if we had to to like be the last person to survive hunger games i mean i could do it but i would never i just would never fight someone because i've i would punch and I'm back oh my god I'm so sorry you heard and I love that about you all right with all that out of the way um that was a really long intro but we do have our favorite part of the episode and your favorite part of the episode if you listen to last week's episodes in general you would realize we didn't do our ask uncut episode on Thursday I've just said the word episode so many times and it's really annoying me so I can only imagine how you feel um we didn't do that second

episode of the week but we did put up a bonus ep which was only accidentally unfiltered stories so if you haven't listened to our bonus episode from last week it is strictly for lols there is nothing serious about it we highly recommend that you go and listen to that however we have some more accidentally unfiltered stories for you because y'all got fucked up lives and we love it i've actually got a good one but mine crosses into accidentally unfiltered slash can't believe they said that oh it's a slashy it's a slash it's a slashy double barrel all right well do you want to go first yeah why not this happened about seven years ago back in the day with my ex-boyfriend we've been together for about four years and had the epitome of a toxic relationship i'm talking

cheating gaslighting abuse lol no idea why i have trust issues we finally broke up about six months prior and hadn't spoken once since we had broken up but we occasionally had social gatherings together because we still had a group of friends that were similar on this day we had a big group of pre-drinks for a festival I was sitting there chatting minding my own business when he came up to me and said really seriously can I have a chat with you really quickly about something really important I thought hells yes this guy's gonna ask me to get back with him and this is my shining moment to be like sorry thank you next you missed your chance he took me aside and said really seriously i'm really sorry to ask i just wanted to see if it was possible if you could take drugs

into the festival for me in your vagina couldn't even speak because i was so shocked i just walked away without saying one word and counted my lucky stars that i am now with someone that doesn't make me smuggle and be his drug mule could you imagine you're like oh this is my time to say no to say you know what i don't want you back in my life and no i'm sorry my vagina is not yours anymore the hide of the absolute audacity of some people like also why would she say yes you're in your standard slip and you kind of allow one thing to happen and then another thing to happen and then all of a sudden you're at a festival with the whole thing of k up your ass he has lost the plot i'm sorry that guy has lost the plot like bloody hell okay i have a good one i think it's

a good one. I have a few actually. Well, we're not going to rattle off 20. You just pick your best one. Save the others. I have a couple. So just the last few weeks, we've had so many really good accidentally unfiltered stories filtering through on our DMs. And guys, we love this from you, but this one came in. It's very, very G rated. And I thought the innocence of it was great. I'm not particularly hairy. So I always just use a razor down there. But on this occasion, I decided it was time to try some waxing having not gone before I was a little bit nervous I arrived at the salon and the lady was lovely she walked me into the room and said okay well if you're having a brazilian take your clothes off and I'll be back shortly so I did and I lay on the bed she

walked in and looked perplexed and a little bit shocked and she said I'm sorry I thought you were having a brazilian and she said yeah that's right and she goes well then why have you taken your bra and top off. She's just lying there completely nude. Like she's getting a massage face up as well. And then anyway, she's like, I was totally mortified and made some lame excuse about being hot. Unfortunately it didn't end there. She then asked me to stretch. So I did. I raised my arms to stretch. I raised them up above my head. Like I was doing a proper wake up stretch. I think I might have even yawned again she looked at me really confused and said no I meant stretch the skin between your leg and your butt grab so I can rip the waxing strip off so it doesn't hurt so

much I just love bless this girl so I love the innocence of this I know that usually I accidentally unfiltered stories are so dirty but this I was like I would leave I would be like I just don't understand what's happening in my life I need to leave she was like anyways I've never been back to have a whack I'm back to shaping and that's where we're at thanks for the laugh girls do we have time for another one am I allowed to are we going to keep this on the on the short sharp and ready today well we're about 45 minutes in what's another one between friends then hey so this one came through actually god I'm going to put one of them on our stories as well because I've got a really funny one that came through in text messages but this is

one last one that I'm going to say for today so this literally just happened to me and because I can't bear to process it yet. I've decided to send it to you guys for a good laugh. I love where the first place people go when something embarrassing happens, like it's happening to them and they're like, I just need to record this for the girls. The amount of messages we get from you guys being like, Hey, I'm experiencing something really traumatic. And I thought of you makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. So proud. So proud. Okay. So this literally just happened. One of the coaches at my gym has a bit of a following on Instagram. Like you would say he's an influencer and he's pretty famous. Anyway, he posts photos of his workouts and often he isn't wearing a shirt.

He's super hot and my friend and I always talk about his photos when he posts a new one. I get PT sessions with this guy. So anyways, yesterday he posted a new photo. He had no shirt on as per usual. I immediately clicked the little plane button next to the photo and sent it to my friend and was like, dude, he's so fucking hot. How did he do that? And to top it off, I added the dribbling drooly emoji I sent the photo and then I didn't think anything of it until today when I sat down with my girlfriend for a coffee and I asked oh did you see the photo the one that he posted recently and she was like no and she's like I sent it to you in your dms then I went to my dms to see why she hadn't seen it and realized I had sent it to my coach when I told you I died

and basically so she sent it directly to her PT trainer that he she thinks he's so fucking hot I just think she needs to own that and be like, yeah, I was giving you a pep talk. Like, yeah, you look hot today, bro. That's what I would do. That's what I would do. I would just own that and be like, yeah, boy, I was just telling you you look hot. Oh, man. I reckon, could you go back to him and get PT sessions after that?

I would. I'd own it. If he's that hot, you're not going to stay awake. Britt's like, of course I would. I would hope that he just now got the point. Hopefully he would make the next move. Checkmate. I'd probably send that to him pretending it wasn't supposed to be.

Like, I'd probably do it intentionally and be like, oh, my God, that was supposed to go to someone else i'll move again dear god guys keep them coming all right guys it's time to get into some content i hope you enjoyed the first half of that episode because i think you and i enjoyed that more than probably most people what weirdos let's stop laughing at ourselves okay so we're going to talk about attachment styles now before I give a little intro into this, I do want to say I didn't know a lot about it. You mentioned it a little while ago, Laura, on one of the episodes that you've done an attachment style quiz. We always said we'd go back to it, but I've never really delved deep into it before.

I found it so interesting. There is a lot of content here, guys, and we're going to be reading a lot of stuff out that we've actually just learned from a lot of therapists, psychologists, just things that we've researched ourselves. So this is coming from both we're still learning at the same time. We want to deliver this content to you because we think it's going to really help and affect your life. And I think everyone can just learn something from it. Yeah. And the idea of attachment starts. So this is a theory that I've always found really interesting and fascinating. It's to do with like your relationship with your parents and that's where attachment theory comes from. So in your early life, like in your childhood, when you, from when you were born

until when you're about the age three, that's when your parents have a very profound impact on the way that you feel loved, receive love and build attachments towards other people. And if you have had a bit of a complicated childhood, if you haven't received love or attachment in a way that could be considered, you know, in quotation marks normal, then you may have a slightly more dysfunctional adult attachment type. And I guess for me, the reason why this became something that I was really interested in is because like I've talked about loads on this podcast before I had a really unhealthy attachment style prior to my relationships with Matt and we'll get into it with Britt and I both did the test now we both kind of uncovered our own

attachment styles mine has changed over the years and I have a much more secure attachment type now but we'll get into like how how your childhood basically can really form and affect the way that you feel receive and create bonds in your relationships as adults but like Britt said some of it is research and some of it is from like our own experiences as well have you got people in your life where you've ever looked at people friends family or thought about the way you're in a relationship some people are really aloof and unattached in their relationships yeah like we've all dated a guy who's like just doesn't give you anything and you're like this guy's fucking stonewall and then others are super attached super clingy really needy they need

constant validation and what it comes down to is some people are secure and some people are unsecure that's the very that's the basis of it but there are four styles of attachment so the four attachment styles are secure attachment anxious preoccupied attachment dismissive avoidant attachment and fearful avoidant attachment what are you I thought you're gonna be like and now we're gonna unpack these but what about but like okay so we're gonna put the link in like we did for the love languages test we're gonna put the link into the description notes for this episode so that you can go and do your own attachment assessment and you can find out what sort of attachment type you are and unpack that with

your partner you can also do it with them and it kind of just opens up this conversation and understanding around why you behave the way that you behave and why you perceive relationships and connection in the way that you perceive and define your relationship so my we're going to start with me let's start with the trauma all right what are you so you we've both done the test so mine is has changed significantly so I I did my test years and years ago and I was very very high on anxious preoccupied attachment anxious preoccupied attachment is like I mean I've described this to you guys before but it's it's this um need of being in a relationship I got a lot of my purpose and a lot of my value in myself from feeling loved by somebody else and I was

always very insecure that they were going to leave me. I had massive daddy issues, basically of abandonment, which is not funny. It's not funny, but, but this was, this was me. And this is like, you know, this was very patent behavior in a lot of my past relationships. I was always somebody who got into relationships that were very quick moving, very, very intense, um, very volatile. And, um, and then I would be left feeling like there was something wrong with me because the relationship didn't work out. That has changed significantly. And I can only attribute that to being in a really healthy relationship with someone who is incredibly patient. Like Matt is an angel and sent from the heavens. But it's changed massively over the years. So I now was

really surprised with my results. So I have basically, basically the way it works is like you can be, you're a dominant attachment style. So there's one that is going to be dominant for you. And then we all display characteristics of the others. And those characteristics can change depending on the relationship that you're in. They can also change depending on the time of your life that you're in. And so sometimes they might be higher or lower, but you know, we have an overall main attachment style. And now in my relationships, my main attachment style style is 50% secure. Unsurprisingly coming a relatively close second, my anxious preoccupied attachment style is my number two at 33%. And then dismissive avoidant at 8% and fearful avoidant at

8% as well. So I have a little bit from each category. That's pretty even. But yeah, secure. And guys, like you want to be secure. That means that you're in a functioning relationship where you feel loved. You feel like you can communicate with your partner safely. You're not scared of abandonment. So like being in that and having that as like your most significant value on your scorecard is that's that's a sweet spot that's where you want to be I think it's really interesting I like the fact that it can change because it evolves with you I guess um and it's like you just said you went from just being insecure all the time and needing needy you were needy you needed love to now you are so happy and confident in your relationship and you feel secure you don't

feel like Matt's gonna ever abandon you and I think that's a really nice place to be so I love that you're you've shown and you're open enough to say yeah I went from one extreme to the other so that's that's really nice so congratulations on being secure congratulations on getting your shit together Laura thank you thank you very much but you know like like we'll get into all of this but there are ways to change your attachment style if you feel like you're really vulnerable in your relationships like therapy we'll talk about all the different ways to unpack it and ways to to really approach if you have a dysfunctional attachment style but yeah and obviously like after we talk about our own styles we'll get into like what each one actually means

and what that looks like as a personality type so mine was interesting um mine was 58 secure which for me i guess it's hard because i've been single for a long time but what these quizzes do if you are single that's so fine it'll tell you to think of the relationships that you do have in your life or think back to a last relationship but so for me i can be secure in the fact that i have an amazing family who I know are there for me. I know they're never going to leave me. I know if I need anything, I can go to them. The same with my small group of friends. I know I've got people to rely on. So I think that's where it stemmed from me. But the next category in my pie, I was 20% avoidant dismissive, which when I was reading what avoidant dismissive is, I was like, holy

bejeebers, like me to a T. I'm going to read you guys what it actually says avoidant dismissive is. avoidant attachment style is a form of insecure attachment style marked by a fear of intimacy girl too people with avoidant attachment style tend to have trouble getting close to others or trusting others in relationships girl too they typically maintain some distance from their partners or are largely emotionally unavailable in their relationships preferring to be independent and rely on themselves like this is me to a t i you guys all know if you've been following along the podcast for a long time I often joke and I've always thought it was a joke but maybe it's not I often joke that I'm like emotionally void and that the bachelor will will atop the producers

were like where are your emotions like why aren't you crying cry harder I don't have feelings um I often joke that and I've always said it to myself like ha ha ha I'm emotionally void and then when I read this and it specifically states like these people largely are are emotionally unavailable and I don't they can't feel that I was like oh my god it's actually me then it says they prefer to be on their own and rely on themselves totally me and I just think that stems from obviously the toxic relationship that I did have it does definitely does not stem from my family life because they've always had the support so for me and this is what can happen too in the reverse the way that you had a insecure feeling and you came through that now you're really great I was

the reverse because that can happen I was very very always very secure and happy and emotionally available and and obsessive with my relationships like when I fell in love I was in love like I wanted to be with them every single day then I went through this really toxic few years with this crazy sociopath episode three um and love that plug but if you haven't listened to episode three it's by far both of our favorite episode it's just Brittany's story about her dating uh sociopath that had two double like a double life is the most insane episode ever so we recommend that on every app basically but um we only say that for the newcomers all you ogs know that but um so then it put into reverse and it put me from being like really really really secure

into this place where i was like i don't want to rely on everyone again and i remember saying that to myself i remember saying i will not rely on a man again and it's almost like i've driven myself to the extreme um so i need to find a way to wind that back a little bit however i think it's important. And just in your results there, like to keep perspective, like if you're still very high on the secure, like percentage wise of these tests, but you do have like a 20% of something that is, that is very manageable. And that is a very like minimal percentage in comparison to your secure attachment. So overall you have the, like you have the ability and the sense to be able to see your relationship with, with a healthy perspective and create healthy attachments.

we're always going to have some level of insecurity we're always going to have some level of doubt or something in us that prevents us from wanting to be hurt again if we've been through bad relationships and and I think you know depending on where you're at in your life if you've just come out of a really shit relationship your scale and your percentages in this test is going to be completely different if you feel like you're in a really stable and healthy relationship so it's very dynamic depending on what's happening in your life but it also shows that different things that happen in your life like things that happen in your childhood or bad relationships that you go through can be triggers to stop you from being

able to commit to somebody or have a happy relationship further in life I was just going through that because I thought it was really interesting that is only 20 percent I am I know that I'm secure now and I know that when I have a relationship it'll be fine and I know there'll be no jealousy there'll be no wondering where they are there'll be no is he gonna leave me because I'm just beyond that now you do get to a point where you like I think that's why I'm so picky because I just know that when I pick that person I don't want to have to worry about it so if I if I get spidey tingly senses when I'm dating someone that I'm going to feel insecure I'm going to wonder where they are and who they're with I just wouldn't pursue it so what was your other one then

because there must be another in there that's a small percentage yeah so one one percentage down again was the anxious and anxious ambivalent and then only eight percent was disorganized which interesting. So I reckon what we do is I reckon we unpack what each one actually means. So for anybody who's listening and they're like, holy shit, that's how I approach my relationship. You can kind of identify yourself before you even do the test. So secure attachment is the most predominant attachment. Basically secure attachment is like, I'm fine. You're fine. 55% of the population have secure attachments. And that's a really healthy way of approaching your relationships. Basically it means you are happy when you're together. You still feel safe

when you're independently apart you don't have this fear that your partner's going to cheat on you you're not worried about their whereabouts you don't feel clingy you don't feel obsessive you just have a really healthy relationship and dynamic when you're together and you both complement and and bring a really positive light to each other's life but you're also very capable people independently of each other as well and that's a very healthy and secure attachment and the idea behind this attachment is that through your childhood your parents have been there for you. They've been a constant in your life. They have provided you with the love and affection when you've required it. And your basic needs have been met, love, food, shelter,

support, conversation, all of those things have been attended to you and you're able to have role models in your life. So you go, oh, that's what a healthy relationship looks like. That's what a healthy love and romantic relationship looks like. That's what healthy friendships look like. So having these really strong role models help for you to be able to then form and have great relationships in your adult life. That's not to say that someone who is secure can't possibly get into a relationship that's toxic and bad. They absolutely can. Like we all can make bad choices and end up with people who are manipulative and bad for us. It just means that someone who is very secure in themselves is more likely to be able to walk away from it than somebody who is

say like an anxiously attached person who might stay for a lot longer and cop a lot more abuse because they don't feel worthy of something better than that boom that was a lot basically just where you want to be basically secure is the sweet spot that's what we're all gaining for secure is where you want to fight for so if you do feel like one of if you do the quiz and you do have a larger percentage of one of these other attachment styles it's not the end of the world you can change it and you can work towards it again we'll get into that later but i'm going to jump into attachment style too and that is the anxious preoccupied attachment which is like the I'm not fine but you're fine it's basically this attachment style that's marked and the basis of

it is this fear of abandonment so they say that that's coming back from when you're a child because that's I want you guys to remember this is all based off the first two years of your life this is where this stems from the way you were treated the way you're made to feel your environment they really do believe that this is all started in those first two years of life which is crazy and that's a whole nother conversation because it makes you be like what do I do with my kid oh my god I know this was something else that Britt and I were talking about in relation to this I was like holy shit the pressure that there is to raise a well-rounded and like normal kid that feels like they're loved I was like fuck I don't know if I'm doing a good job you're doing

a good job I don't know what if she's super dysfunctional when she grows up and she cries for like one second you're like I'm here mommy now what if she turns into a narcissist because I'm too attentive I just don't know it's a fine line but this this this anxious relationship you feel like and you're always worried that your partner's gonna leave you these sorts of people are always really hungry for validation and they get anxious very easily like why hasn't my partner to text me back yet? You know, it's been five minutes. Has something happened to my partner? Is he with someone else? There's this really, really constant deep seated issue of this isn't right. They're going to leave me. And you live in this state of anxiety, which is awful for anyone

that's ever felt any level of anxiety. No one wants to be in that place. So this is sort of where that stems from. And it never really ends well because partners can often get defensive. It can be quite suffocating in a relationship and it's just, it's really, really not a healthy place to be yeah 20% of people have this style of attachment and Laura you said that you actually were pretty big on this style of attachment from things in your past how do you feel like you recognize that at the time or is it just something that you look like did you know at the time that you were living in a state of anxiety could you recognize and be like why am I always anxious or is it something that you look back on now that you're in this healthy secure relationship do

you look back and be like I only know how fucked up I was then because of how good I feel now good question Brittany um do you know what I find I find this so interesting because um and I just want to like make this point really clear regardless of what your attachment style is there is no blame in this like you know there's no blame on you for the way that you deal with relationships and there's definitely no blame on your parents that's not what we're doing here I have I don't talk very openly about my childhood I had a pretty um you know a lot of it was great a lot of it wasn't um and my my mum and my dad divorced when I was really young and my my dad moved away so I think just just from that and that of itself without like going into

any of the other details surrounding my upbringing I think when you're a product of divorce there is this feeling of abandonment and without without it being an intentional thing but even if your parents are telling you that they love you the fact that they've chosen to move away and move far away and that they're not physically there. The words of I love you don't really match up with the actions of I'm not physically here. So there is that feeling of abandonment that comes from that. And then, you know, moving on from that, my mom was a single mom. She had two kids. She started dating again. And I like we, when she got remarried to her second husband, he was not a great guy by any means. And it was a really turbulent time in our childhood.

and I guess that there was this inconsistency and that's the thing about this whole anxious attachment style is like if you feel like there's an inconsistent love in your upbringing as a child then that's what can make you feel as an adult that you're anxious in your relationships because you just don't know you you don't know like you don't know where it's coming from you you genuinely constantly feel in this state of like maybe they're gonna leave me maybe I'm not good enough maybe my feelings aren't valid and and there's this fear that's attached to abandonment and I really like look back on my relationships now and I go oh wow like that's what that was like I can identify that in myself and I also identify a lot of like my mom and my like my mom's behavior in

what I was doing as well like I really mirrored my mom's dating life myself because she didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to be alone and I realized that I was trying to get my purpose from being in a relationship. Like I was always in a relationship with someone, but also like on that, like my relationship with my mom is great now. My relationship with my dad is great. Like we, we both have very adult, very mature relationships and I know they love me. I know that they support me. I just think as a child, there were times where I didn't get the love or the support that I felt like I needed at the time. So it was, it was a bit mismatched and it wasn't a reflection of not being loved by my parents. It was a reflection of them going through some

really, really challenging trauma themselves and also trying to deal with the fact that they had children that they were trying to raise. So, you know, this is not a blame thing. This is just the reality of the world and the reality of relationships. And I guess as I've gotten older, I've looked at the relationships that I had in the past and what I want and don't want for myself. And I was just really lucky. And there's a big portion of luck that's come into this. The fact that I met Matt and he is completely different to everyone who I've dated before. He's a very secure personality type. He's always been incredibly reassuring. And over the three years that we've been together, he has molded me into a secure attachment because he's just so fucking

normal. It's annoying. And so that's changed, you know, like I used to date guys that were emotionally unavailable. So something that's actually really common, which you would think, how could this work? But people who have an anxious attachment type often end up dating people who are dismissive avoidant which are guys who are totally emotionally unattached emotionally unavailable don't really need you don't really want you and make you feel unloved because there's this feeling of like I want more and you keep going back for more whereas someone who is secure and like has a very healthy attachment style wouldn't put up with that shit only someone who's anxious would actually put up with that shit so it's almost like two

opposites attract and two bad characteristics often become moths to a flame in that sort of situations yeah I think like wow wow like that was a lot there and um I mean I know a lot about you and your history and everything and um it's I don't know I just think you shared a new little part there which is great but it's funny to see like you said I found that really interesting when you said um you know my mum was dating a lot because she didn't want to be alone and then so I was dating a lot because I didn't want to be alone I don't think we realize until we're older how much we mimic those people that are in our lives yeah and good characteristics and bad characteristics like when your main role model for relationships that's your main model for relationships that's

your normal like that's of course what you're going to end up doing yourself as you get older I think when I look when I'm when I think about how I was dating afterwards I was only dating after my relationship I was only dating people that like you had just mentioned they would tell me hey like I'm emotionally unavailable I'm I'm not physically available I like I don't want a relationship I don't want a relationship and I they're the people that I would invest my time in and I was doing it because deep down I didn't want it either and I was too scared to actually form any sort of relationship with anyone so as soon as someone was like hey heads up I don't actually want anything I was like brilliant when really deep down I wanted it but I was too scared

in case someone was going to leave me so I I did have that form for probably around a year or two or 10 um no year or two I had that but there's a real theory to things and I think it's so interesting when we start to unpack like who we are as people and why we make the decisions that we make and why we choose the type of guys that we choose like there's there's a pattern to this and so much of it comes from like our personality and who we are and what we've been through in our lives what we've been exposed to and like like I just mentioned earlier as well but you know if you do find yourself constantly being attracted to people who are bad for you or you're not feeling satisfied in your relationships or you don't ever feel like you're in a healthy relationship

like going to therapy and not going to therapy because you need to talk about the relationships but going to therapy to better understand who you are as a person and why you have these needs and these wants and these insecurities or these these I'm not going to call them shortcomings but like these feelings of inadequacy you can unpack that better understand who you are as a person and then that allows you to make better decisions in your relationships and find people who are healthy and find people who are you know not gonna fucking play into your trauma because they are out there somewhere they're out there you know they're hard to find but they're out there um the third one which I spoke about before because it was me was the dismissive avoidant

attachment so that's the I'm fine and you have issues 20% of people it's literally just where you're scared of intimacy you're afraid to get close to anyone you don't want to trust anyone you only want to rely on yourself you're very independent um you're basically emotionally unavailable and you're attracted to people that are emotionally unavailable so that's that one we've spoken about that a lot that was me the reason why people may have created a dismissive personality type is because and they and they totally dismiss their feelings and they they what they do is they sometimes can't even understand why people feel so much they they are the type of person that yeah britney's sitting here pissing herself they're the type of person

where when you go to them and you are upset about something in your relationship and you're like I need to talk about this they don't want to talk about it they make jokes to downplay your feelings or they are just so avoidant of conflict because they can't actually understand or comprehend that you could feel so much about something they trivialize and downplay things well and the reason for that and the attachment to that as a childhood attachment is coming from a family or having parental caregivers who don't attend to your needs basically maybe when you're a you know one two three year old you are emotionally upset about something you're crying you need to be cuddled and need to be loved and need to be given affection need to be told I love you

you're not having that met maybe all of your food your dietary requirements your your house like all of the other functional things are being met but your emotional needs aren't being met and without feeling like love and connection you as a child that can be very very traumatic and what happens is that over time you start to downplay your own feelings you you don't play into them you don't allow them to actually be real and so over time you've created this defense mechanism to downplay feelings and like not value their importance if that makes sense i was like i know what i'm saying here but is that a bit deep it's just i i'm laughing because even when i'm reading this now and looking at it on the screen and listening to you talk about it

i've just never felt so seen than this attachment style like when i was reading it i've just never categorized myself so much i've always just thought i was a bit different with my emotions and when i saw it on paper i was like it's actually a thing and i'm actually that thing I'm actually that thing in that box. There's this one statement that they put in this type of style to explain it. They often make jokes to avoid difficult conversations and feel anxious and trapped when a partner expresses feelings. Now, this could not be more accurate. I always have said, and I always do, my bachelor finale is like testament to this. When I'm uncomfortable or upset or feeling heightened emotions, I laugh and I joke. And even when Nick was like,

it's not you you just laugh when you say that even when I know I'm laughing now I laugh and I make jokes about it and if you can look back at any interview or anything I've done or even you guys know me on the podcast like as soon as it gets too deep I like make a lol um but I when I remember when I went and delivered this news to Sophie on my bachelor finale it was all very big she was bawling her eyes out and I was in hysterics I couldn't stop laughing and I in my inside of me I was like stop laughing because people think you're nuts like people don't get it but that's how I deal with my heightened emotions and when I'm upset um I it was a cry laugh I was crying because I was emotional but I always try and make light of a situation and like

but I think so many people relate to this like humor really is a coping mechanism for so many people it's a way that we are able to not look like we're vulnerable like especially women like women a lot of women and I'm guilty of this as well I don't want to be vulnerable I don't want to seem like I'm weak or that I need someone to help me or fix me and it actually took me a really long time to realize that there is power and vulnerability and I used to be the person as well that made a lot of jokes whenever I was upset about something because I wanted to be fine all the time everything's fine I'm the queen of using that word I'm fine you're fine we're fine everything's fucking fine to the point where some of my friends have genuinely banned me using the

word fine because it's okay to not be fine. It's okay to actually struggle. You actually, you still say, you say, oh, so fine, babe. So fine. You say all the time. And I was like, you're crying in the corner naked. You're not fine. That was one time, Brittany, we said we'd never talk about it on the podcast. This is not fine. But totally. Yeah. Like humor is a coping mechanism. Humor is something that we use to deflect our emotions and it's, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with doing that, but it can be healthy to actually unpack what those feelings are and sit in feelings as well. Because like I said, there is real power in vulnerability. And when you are the person who is always fine and you're the person who's always making jokes, you become the person who never

gets help because people don't want to reach out and help someone who seems like they're always fine. They're always strong. And that's why it's really important to ask your friend who seems like the one who's always got their shit together and is always okay with every situation if they're actually okay. Because they probably aren't. Sometimes they may be naked in the corner and crying it's funny I've come a long way now I never ever ever told anyone I wasn't fine and I never cried to anyone but now I've got a small group of people Laura's one of them that I'll just have my cry break down on the phone and I'll be like I'm not okay and that's it's been so helpful for me to have that group of people to do that too and it's I think it's finally letting let me move in

the right direction so I think this is a really big thing is to acknowledge that you're one of these things that you're one of these styles or that you have principles of one of these styles just to acknowledge that have a think about it and and work towards getting out of that so I think that's I've like it's been a really big thing for me to be vulnerable but I am and that's I don't know it's great oh bloody great no it is but even when you and I are crying on the phone sometimes like we both do it we'll be upset about something but then we'll still be making jokes like even in deepest like in our tears like and then we're cracking up but then we're still really sad but like we can't just be sad it's ridiculous it's but I guess like that also comes you know when

you're a really independent person when you felt like you need to be the pillar of strength for yourself because you're like well no one else is gonna do it um like that's that's the outcome of it and like we've said at the beginning of this there's no right or wrong there's no there's no bad way of being you haven't done anything wrong you're not broken you're not deficient you don't have issues, just because you're not sitting in a secure attachment style, just because you have traits of all these other things. Like we've all been through some shit in our lives that's affected us in different ways, that's made us skeptical of relationships, that's pushed us and pushed our boundaries. But it's really healthy to understand what those things are so that you can

work towards becoming a secure attachment type. That's all this is. It's not about shaming anyone for sitting in a category or struggling with their emotions. And I know there's going to be loads of people who are listening to this episode who are like, Oh, like I'm totally fine. I have a totally normal attachment style. I had a totally normal upbringing. And that's amazing. Like there are people out there who have been super fortunate. There are people who have really fucked up childhoods. There are people who have really fucked up relationships like you Brit, like, you know, you call it like, well, my childhood was great, but my first real relationship was so chaos. Yeah. So messed up that it then totally rewired my ability to trust or to feel love again.

that's why i find this so interesting and so important because it allows you to identify what's happening in your life and make changes to have a better life that was fucking deep that was deep we're about to get deeper all right give me the last one number four it's fearful avoidant attachment now this is like i'm fucked you're fucked we're fucked it's fucked everything's fucked we're all gonna fall on fire but this is also really important to know that this is the absolute minority this is five percent of people four percent there we go this is four percent of people who actually have this as their predominant attachment style and this is like this is some serious trauma shit this is like you have had an extremely traumatic childhood and it takes

years of therapy there's also often substance abuse or abuse of other kinds that are involved in this attachment style so this is very rare but it's very real it's a really hard one for these people that are in this style because they're in this like constant conflict of what they want and need they really really want to avoid relationships and are scared of it but on the other sense they're craving it and they want it and they don't want love but they really really don't want to be alone too so they don't there's no balance for them and I can't imagine this fight and storm that they would have in their mind because all they want is this this need to be loved and secure but they're so scared of it that they could think of nothing worse at

the same time like how how what do you do in that situation I think this is when it's really really important to go and seek help go and see a professional I don't think that sort of attachment style is something you can really work through on your own I think if if the trauma is that deep-seated and like you want to feel loved but you're so fearful of being loved that you lash out and push people away like that's when you have to go do some heavy lifting with a therapist there's lots of stuff to unpack there and there's lots of things about yourself and about your relationships that you have to talk through and like we said earlier you can change your attachment style you just have to a recognize it so do the quiz there are so many different quizzes there

are ones that have like 200 questions that are deep and they go into every aspect of your life and then there are some that are like 50 questions there are some that are like 25 questions we're going to put two of them in the details for this podcast anyway so we both we both did a couple of them um one of them i found really great because it's like a very intensive questionnaire that you can do. One of them is a little bit more top level. So we'll put them both in that way you can choose. But I also think like during this time of 2020, crazy COVID, this has been a real amplifier for relationships. You know, this period of being in lockdown with your partner, this period of like working from home, spending all your fucking time together. This is really, really

put the microscope in a lot of relationships. And for some of them it's galvanized. It's made your relationships even better. It's made you absolutely certain that you are with and supported by the person you love and then for other people it has really amplified the flaws and made you go holy shit like this we've got some problems here we've got some stuff we need to work on so do this attachment theory questionnaire and have these open conversations with your partner along with doing the love languages as one as well from a few episodes ago because that is bloody good yeah so just to summarize um what therapists and psychologists do say to do if you do want to try and change your attachment style. This is going to sound like very obvious. We've said it

a lot, but it's obviously so important that every therapist always comes back to it. Number one is just identify your relationship patterns. Just look back at like what Laura was saying. Look back at your past relationships. Hers were all the same. They were all toxic. They were all because she was in a place of need, not want. So go back to your past relationships and identify them assess your current and past attachment style see if these patterns are still relevant now or if you slowly started to change and the big big one which seems so damn obvious but none of us do it enough it's work on your self-esteem so it's super common characteristic across all of these insecure attachment styles to have low self-esteem you just need to learn to embrace and love yourself and

look after yourself first be okay on your own and we say that so much but it really really is so important to get to a place where you're happy with who you are you're happy with where you're going you're comfortable in your own space and your own time and your own thoughts and from there a whole new world opens up and I think if we all sit back and be really really honest with ourself all of us at some point in time would have had issues with our confidence and self-esteem and we probably still struggle with that now it fluctuates I mean I even think now like I feel like I got to a point where I was like yes I feel very self-confident I feel great about myself now that I'm 34 and I feel like in the last year I've aged about fucking 700 years in a year

there are days where I feel totally insecure again like it's just I think it's that level of having self-love it's dynamic and you know I'm so happy for the people who are like Buddha and feel enlightened and they've reached it and not just on the superficial social media level that we see all the time where it's like love yourself here's a photo of my cellulite I mean really actually experiencing and practicing self-acceptance I think it's very very hard and I think there's no shame in saying that sometimes sometimes you practice self-acceptance and sometimes you feel insecure about things about yourself and you know it's dynamic it shifts and you can you just have to work towards having that as more of a constant in your life actually one thing that Brit put down

Brit did the notes for today's episode. I did the notes for every episode. What are you talking like every 60 episodes. I do the research too. Excuse me. Okay. So one thing that Brit's written down here, which I actually really think this is great. You know, there's a lot of frou-frou around self-love and self-acceptance. There's a lot of like, woo, like love yourself no matter what, embrace everything. And like, that's great. But you know what? Sometimes there's often so much self-acceptance talk especially on social media that if you don't feel like you're at a point where you totally love yourself it almost makes you feel worse that like everybody else is so fucking in love with themselves and I'm not so why don't I love myself that much totally like

sometimes I have to switch off totally switch off and mute people because I'm like this this constant conversation about how accepting you are of yourself makes me feel like I'm not really winning because I'm like some days I feel great and some days I still struggle with it and that's where I'm at. Yeah. And that's okay. And that's when you know, to turn your social media off for a day or two. Totally. Well, one of the things that Britt's written down, which I think is actually really great is instead of like standing in the mirror and telling yourself an affirmation that you don't really believe, like, you know, maybe you think you need to stand in the mirror and be like, I'm beautiful. I love myself. I'm worthy of love. You don't have to say that. Why

don't you start with something that's more about self-neutrality and like actually accepting who you are, not loving yourself yet, but just having some acceptance and being like, you know, like, I'm I'm a good person I am worthy of a relationship I am worthy of being loved like that is enough to set you on the right path towards rewiring your brain and convincing yourself and you know step it up when you feel and having a good day yeah you look hot today you look fucking hot but on the days that you're not feeling that be kind to yourself and be very conscious of your internal monologue and the words that you're using to describe yourself because if they're not words that you would use to describe your friend or somebody who you just met on the street then

don't use them to describe yourself in terms of self-neutrality is that how you say it neutrality neutral neutrality neutrality neutrality yeah good let's go for it didn't roll off the tongue I don't know if we're saying it right in terms of coming to a self-help talk with Brie and Laura in terms of self-neutrality one thing that I would say to myself and I still do say to myself is you deserve to be treated the way you treat others I think that's a really good one because it's not I'm not pep talking myself like yeah you look beautiful you're hot you've got this you can win the world it's literally about this it's literally just about saying like you deserve to be treated the way you does it treat other people and I think it's just a really

good one to reset your your brain and your thought process and be like no you know what I do deserve this and I don't have to settle for anything less so I think that's a really good one to start with when we're when we're talking about this like look in the mirror thing yeah totally you don't even need a mirror you don't need a mirror and also like I and this has nothing to do with this episode but I'm gonna say it anyway because I really really believe in it like your worth is not based on what you look like and I think that there is times where we really need to get away from this idea that like to be worthy and to be successful you need to be atypically beautiful like that's bullshit your worth is not based on your beauty and we're all

gonna get old we're all gonna get saggy we're all gonna get pigmentation we're all gonna get wrinkles like that pigmentation really sticks in there isn't it well that's my jam we all know that that's the one thing that gets me self-conscious but yeah like we're all gonna get those things and if your worth is based in how you look then you're really gonna struggle when that that goes you know when you're getting pitted against 20 year olds and you're in your late 30s like you need to work on having pillars of value that are not based on your looks which is what social media does to us these days so like that is totally off topic but I'm pretty sure that that's a topic we should talk about a completely other day i know i could go i was just about to launch

into my own i was about to be like intelligent and humor this is this is that's how we ended up doing a three-hour podcast and that's our whole week gone guys on this podcast um no i think look i think we've gone into it some pretty solid depth i think we've covered a lot the last thing i want to say and we're not going to get into this because there's so much into it but i just want to make you aware of it these attachment styles can translate into your work life as well so if you're having trouble at work you're not progressing um or you're you're in charge you're having trouble with other people they can actually be bringing these attachment styles into their work and there there's so much information on that in the internet so i just wanted to to flag that with you guys

it's just something you think about if this um triggers anything with you 100 but also on top of that it's not just like when we've been talking about romantic relationships because obviously that's something that we focus so heavily on on this podcast but it it regards your friendships in regards to your work in regards to like how you communicate and and build relationships on a day-to-day level like it's all it affects all types of attachments and all types of relationships big and small it's just that you know often the biggest relationship that we kind of have to deal with is a romantic one in our life that can be like the flagship one that all the others kind to get compared against yeah my biggest relationship is the one I have with food but

and that's a healthy one thank you Brittany it's a solid one all right guys it is time to move on to the last segment that we do we never finish an episode without our suck and our sweet, our highlights, our lowlights, the best and the worst of our week. Now this, if you're new, hey, this can be trivial. It could also be really serious. It just depends on how your week's going. So Laura, you want to kick it off? Okay. My suck for the week is that I don't feel like I had a weekend at all. It's really not a big suck, but work's been crazy, crazy, crazy. Every day has felt manic and then throwing on top of it, the fact that we have to do two episodes a week which we love doing don't get me wrong guys but it's just this constant

I feel like it's a constant carousel of work at the moment which has been a lot because we're also in between I don't know does any mums out there do other mums struggle with this I haven't put Marley into daycare yet and I'm really struggling with the concept of putting her into daycare and so Matt and I and we have a babysitter a couple of days a week that comes for a few hours we're trying to manage that and it's just bedlam and we're kind of drowning a little bit at the moment but I know that putting her into daycare would be the answer to this but I just can't bring my mum brain to put her into daycare daycare can be I mean I'm talking about my nieces and nephews I've got a lot of friends their kids go to daycare my nieces and

nephews froth it they love it it's where they learn to engage with the other kids they do paintings it's literally they're learning social skills from a young age I think I think a lot of parents have trouble and I think you're having it with the attachment because you've been there every day not that we've been talking about attachment issues but no I totally get it I know she'll love it she'll have the time of her life and you need it like your brain needs her to go to take it I never thought I would be this sort of mom like I never thought I would I always thought I'd be the sort of mom that's like oh yeah she's old enough put her in daycare like you know I thought I'd be really chill about this sort of stuff oh you're not

I'm so not like I'm so not the type of mom I thought I was gonna be I'm way more I'm not that I'm anxious but I'm I'm way more sensitive about you know letting go of these baby times and like allowing her to be taken care of by somebody else like this is something I'm really really struggling with but it also is impeding on my ability to do work and just to have a normal life um in general so uh yeah I feel like I have absolutely no time for myself as a human that's not a mom or a work person. And I also feel like I can't speak. Why don't you start with like one day a week and just get a feel for it? I mean, you need it. You cannot do, you run two businesses and you're a mom. Yeah, I physically can't. Absolutely. And something has to tip it

eventually. But like right now at this period of my life, my suck of the week is that I'm dealing with the anxieties around putting Molly into daycare. That's my suck. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm going to help you with that. Let's do one day a week and we'll work from there. You can hang out with me on that day. Okay. All right. I'm like, I don't need advice. I just need other moms to say it's okay. I fucking get you. It's exactly how I feel. And so I'm running myself into the ground because I'm trying to be daycare mom and everything. Daycare mom, business owner, everything. My suite for the week, my suite for the week is also business related. So even though business has been so crazy, Tony May, things are great. We have a brand new range coming out and

I've just spent the last couple of days shooting that range doing all of our content amazing all of our campaign imagery I'm so stoked so I'm that's going to be coming out like the next couple weeks so I'm like I feel like I'm a really proud mum because my second baby just had a baby I'm not even just saying this because I'm her cheerleader Britt just wants some free stuff no I've actually never had anything from her I know I like people to know this I'm not using this for the friendship i've never had any i have never given brit any free tony may i need to i feel guilty using my friends to hawk my stuff and i would never ask but like bitch i want some it's brit's birthday this week so oh my god i'll know what she's getting from me she's gonna get a whole horde

of tony may jewels i actually forgot it's my birthday in like three days oh my god um no i've seen laura's stuff she she shows me the campaign as it's going and it's actually insane like i had to pick my job off the ground keep your eyes out for that one this episode is brought to you by tony may and uh yeah so tony may sponsor jump online it's www.tonymay.com.au and you may as well it's freaky business um okay my suck would i'm same as you i don't have a kid but i feel like i've got a kid i don't know why i do it to myself i actually think it might be a thing because of because i'm single i like to be busy i think it's just because you're a masochist and you like to you get joy out of like putting yourself through pain well I don't know no I think

it's just like I don't know what I've gotten to a point where I don't know what to do with myself if I have free time I physically I go I'm weird I'm like what do I do now that's why I just like go for more runs and stuff this is so Brit always wears active wear so that when she has free time if she's sitting at home by herself she can just go for a walk like I actually don't know Brit to sit still. It sometimes makes me feel anxious because she's always doing something. Even now, like thinking about it, I'm like, I perpetually, I went into Mamma Mia last week because I had to do a podcast with them. And Kelly, bless you. I know you're listening. Hi. Kelly was the host of the podcast and she was dressed up beautifully. And I walked in and she's like, oh, you're in

your active wear. And I was like, oh yeah, like just in case I need to go for a walk after. She was like, what the hell is wrong with you? I was like, I don't know. I panic. I need to be ready for anything at any time I need to be ready for any compulsive walking that has to just happen oh but um no my psyche is literally especially now I've just started filming this short film work at the hospital is nuts this podcast is going nuts Instagram's going nuts I'm not complaining but I've just booked myself in every minute of the day from like 6am to 10pm love it but girls tired yeah and also I guess in this like current climate you've got to appreciate the fact that you are busy you know those people out there who are struggling and who would give anything to be

busy during this time so like perspective is important and we both are very grateful that we are able to be crazy during a time where like things are so fucking uncertain well that's why people are like why do you work so much why do you still work at the hospital so much why do you and and i'm said because i'm forever grateful that i had the opportunity to work and i will never ever take that for granted and also like when you're doing influencer stuff on the side You're like, I don't know when my next meal ticket's coming. Yeah, you've just got to say yes. I'm like – but my sweet is like – well, actually,

this could have been my suck too. My family has decided to do like this family bonding. Oh, I saw this. You would think family bonding would be like weekend away or let's like have a board game pizza night. But no, my family have decided to do an off track, like a trail run through the jungle. I say the jungle because it's more dramatic.

It's the bush. It's the bush. through the australian jungle a half marathon where you have to like carry your backpack with like space blankets and whistles and food and they all think that this is going to be really fun so we've that's what we've done we've signed up for family bonding hunger games essentially that is literally my idea of hell on earth like i would rather but my brother-in-law and brother and sister-in-law are doing it like it's a i would rather break my ankle it's a whole big thing my dad he's 64 he's papa tones he's so fit the man gets up at like 4 30 every morning he

does and trains before he goes like he does pull-ups and push-ups and weights before he goes to work as a builder for nine he's insane and he's the one frothing it he's like whoa let's all go and do this and i'm like i'm only doing it for my dad i'm like i'm doing this because i bloody love you and if my 64 year old dad is doing it how can i say no is your mom doing it oh no she's going to be the water girl oh my god i'm right there with you mrs hockley i'm not i'll bring i'll bring the kool-aid it's fine if you knew my mom too um that wouldn't surprise you she'll be there with a watermelon yeah she's like she's like i will cheer you on the sideline i'm like mom it's the bush there's no sideline she's like oh i'm not going to the bush she's like i cheer you in spirit um

well that sweet for you sounds like a terrible terrible suck but i'm glad that we uh you know have our opposites can we just talk about this isn't the longest podcast we've ever done we had so we were so chatty today so chatty but also the last episode the sexologist one that we did was a bloody banger of an episode and a long one too. Britt, we just get in this room and can't stop ourselves. We had some really great feedback from the sexology chat as well. So we're glad you guys liked that. And I'm glad that you guys got something from that.

And we will actually do another sexologist chat in the future. So if you do have any other questions, sexy questions, whatever it is that you want to know, things that maybe we won't answer, we will file that shit and keep it safe for when we have either Juliet Allen or a different sexologist on board who can answer some variety or varied questions but yeah guys if you have any ideas of people that you want us to interview on this podcast send them on over as well yeah like literally send the person here yeah to my bedroom so that I can put them on speaker guys thank you so much for tuning in we love your support we love getting

your feedback it really really does it for us it just means the world to us like we are so sick for our reviews it's our like guilty little pleasure it's like my hit at the moment seeing you guys share how you're listening to life uncut we absolutely love that when you're going for a run when you're going for a coffee some of you are cleaning the house and like your toddler's dancing to the theme song we can't get enough so keep sharing those throw them on your instagrams and tag us because we love to reshare them as well so if you're not already following our instagram page it's life uncut podcast if you're not already on the facebook group get on it for the batch chat and for all the other goss.

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