Life Uncut - Closure. If you know the what, the why doesn't matter. Or does it?

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

LIFERS! We have a guest on for today's intro... officially introducing producer Keeshia!Tinder released a new feature and I want to know where that was when we were online dating!Ok let's deep dive. The need for closure. It doesn’t just apply to relationships.The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, status or a way of life are other examples of painful endings. Letting go of something that was once important to us can be really bloody hard, and many people seek closure in doing so.But does it actually help?And can you really expect other people to give you closure? Let’s have a look shall we!Don't forget to join the facebook discussion group if you haven't already!If you guys loved the episode please hit subscribe, leave a review, tell your friends and share the love, because, well, we love love. xSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany and I'm not Laura. guys it's a tuesday episode our big media episode but we have something a little bit different today we have producer keisha on board and i shouldn't say we producer keisha has replaced co-host laura not for long just for one very short moment in time just for the intro today because very unfortunately laura had a bit of a family emergency and little lola derby took a turn overnight and got quite sick she's doing fine she's okay but they did have to be admitted into the hospital so they have been in there today and tomorrow so well she couldn't record even if she wanted to but we're like you just go focus on that and we will sort something out and the result is

producer Keisha welcome to life uncut I will thank you very nice to be here very nice to be on the microphone here I should say but you're usually on the other side I'm usually just sitting over there in the corner and you're more dressed than what you usually are when you record just with Laura so guys usually wearing our undies and we have no makeup on but I have a face of makeup I've even got fake eyelashes I did have to go in and do a presentation today it's not for me she hasn't put all of this on for me it's not for you it's also not for a boy so it's literally I had a job today Keisha came in with me Laura was also supposed to come I mean talk about us thriving in chaos Laura and I always say we thrive in chaos we were supposed to be on this panel a big

international podcast panel really big deal it was being streamed to Europe the UK and America and obviously there were people there as well and we were supposed to be yeah speaking about podcasting and the success and giving our tips and then especially about the discussion group that was kind of this special thing that they wanted to hear about they wanted to hear about you guys everybody is in the discussion group and how kind of it's created a community of its own yeah they were more frothing on you guys the community than they were ourselves so we were Like, do you want to know anything about us or just the community? So last minute, Laura had to pull out of that.

So I had to go and fly solo with no prep. So fine. But thank God Keisha came to cheer for me at the back. She was like, you're doing great, sweetie. Like, keep it up. That actually was Kris Jenner being like, you're doing great, sweetie. Keep going, doing the thumbs up. You really were.

You did really well. You really were, Kris Jenner. So anyway, everyone, put Laura and little Lola Derby in your thoughts today. Now, this is just the intro because luckily the day before Lola took a turn, we did record the bulk of the episode. And just so you know, actually Keisha, this episode is slightly because of you. So why don't you introduce the episode? Well, I think I'll start by saying that when I first started working with you guys, it

was around the time that you told everyone you were dating Jordan and you got so many messages and they were pretty funny. They all said, I'm really happy for you. I'm so glad that you finally found love, but I'm actually slightly upset because it means that you're not going to be sharing the shit show of a time that you have in the dating world anymore. The support was very questionable from you guys at the start. I felt the love, but I also felt the hate.

Well, fear no more. You brought on a producer that is in the trenches with you guys in the dating world. And that is kind of the slight inspiration for today's episode. It is all about closure. And a lot of the messages that we get to Instagram and to the Facebook are all about, you know, I feel like I just want closure from this situation. And I have had a very interesting couple of weeks. Keisha has definitely taken over the reins for the shit show of dating that I used to hold. And I'm very happy to have handed those over to you. You literally came into Life Uncuts

Life at the exact time, right when we needed those shitty dating stories. So thank you. But yeah, this episode is all about closure. And I've kind of had a bit of an experience in the last couple of weeks where basically I went through a pretty tumultuous relationship it was a quite toxic relationship and over the course of time you know we broke up multiple times it was one of those ones and be on again off again well I noticed that the first time that we broke up you know for me it was only three weeks after this guy had told me that he loved me for the first time red flag yeah a whole bunch of red flags that I was disguising as pink hues shades of red at the time I remember thinking like how the fuck am I gonna get over this I

don't understand how things have changed so quickly and I feel like I need the answers I need to fit these pieces of the puzzle together so that I actually know what has happened here so that I can get over it anyway a couple of breakups later I saw him for the first time since we've broken up last week not by choice stalkerish wasn't it it was like and like I don't know if we encourage this or we discourage this it definitely wasn't romantic but I saw him for the first time and it was one of those moments that you know when you're in the midst of a breakup and you kind of think gosh I'm really looking forward to the day that the thought of this person doesn't upset me or seeing them doesn't upset me or I just want closure from this situation

I realized when I saw him that I didn't actually need closure I didn't need the conversation I didn't need any of that and it was one of those really nice moments for me where I looked back and I went wow this same person you know because I've been through multiple breakups with them the first time I really felt like I needed closure and this time I didn't and it was really actually quite nice to look at the personal growth that I've experienced from that situation so yeah I kind of thought maybe we should do an episode on closure we seem to get a whole bunch of messages about it and maybe we can kind of unpack that a little bit yeah so we're going to talk about closure do we really need it and if so why and what are the personality types that feel

like they need it more than others but what do you think I mean to me I feel like and I know hindsight's a beautiful thing but I think when you're in a relationship and it's early days and you're going through multiple breakups straight away to me that's a red flag like if Jordan and I in the last six months had broken up and gone back together three times to me that's like this is supposed to be the best time of a relationship the big and I'm not saying this to you I'm just like you know having a discussion but it's like the honeymoon phase if you are having that many problems and that much of a tumultuous relationship in the first like two three four six months I mean you should never have that many problems but I think of it as

that's supposed to be the most like all-consuming loving smitten sickly disgustingly loved up time of your life. And if you're like breaking up constantly, I feel like you're never going to get to the finish line. You know, it's funny going through that experience. That was the first time I've kind of had one of those styles of relationships. And I think it's kind of the boiling pot analogy. You know how they say that you can have a frog in a pot and if you just gradually heat it up, it doesn't realize that the water's getting hot around it. It was that I didn't realize there were these little things that happened at the start that kind of started getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And by the time I kind of realized what was going

on, and I mean, I'm to blame for it as well. And I'm not saying that this other person is completely at fault. It was one of those situations that I think I just gradually became desensitized to. And I kind of misinterpreted the toxic nature of it for passion. Common misconception. It happens to the best of us. It really does. And we've spoken about it before, but I think that that is something that happens a lot and we get to this point where we're like oh this is a boring relationship he doesn't love me as much as my last relationship because my last relationship he was so jealous and he was so needy and that's love like I'm telling you now it's not love well I started to think that that

was quite thrilling and I think I became desensitized to just how fucked up it was and you know probably vice versa he would probably be saying the same thing about me yeah I have a friend his name is Brad and he used to say this thing to me back years ago so it's a bit sad that I haven't learned this until now but here we are he used to say if you know the what the why doesn't matter love that yeah so he was like Keish if you know that someone doesn't want to be with you it doesn't matter why you know that they don't want to be with you so that's it move on and that's what I mean I'm lucky that I'm in a really beautiful place in my life only because I've gone through so much shit to get here and I wasn't always like this but I'm in

a place where I honestly am like that and I was talking to Jordan about this last night because I wanted his opinion on it I'm like if I broke up with you tomorrow you know out of nowhere because we're so great would you be all right to move on or would you want to come and meet me and have a sit down talk because you need answers and you need to know why and he's like god no and I was a bit like what you're not gonna fight for me and then like started our own fight I was like what do you mean you're not gonna fight for me he's like if you told me you don't want to be with me he goes I don't really care he's like why he's like I want to be with someone that wants to be with me and if for whatever reason and then I was a bit like fight for me god damn it but I'm the

same if someone said to me now I don't want to be with you I of course I would ask why and I would prefer to know but it's not the end of the world if they wanted to ghost me I know that I could still move on just fine because I did it when I ended my two-year relationship with a sociopath trust me I did not get answers for a long time for over a year that guy that man was not going to speak to me and in all honesty I was a bit scared to speak to him but I didn't get any closure but I was like cool that was not meant for me and that was pretty fucked up so I'm just going to get on with it well I think that the one thing that I will add is that I do like a lot of the people who listen to this podcast have anxiety and I think that when you have quite an anxious brain

if you go through a situation like I did initially with this same person for me it had just gone from so good to so bad so quickly that I was kind of left with so many questions and when you have an anxious brain you tend to catastrophize things and you tend to kind of just go over it over and over and over and you will come to the worst case answer unless you're given something else and I think that that was something that I've kind of had to try and train out of myself because I will naturally jump to well this must be what happened and that must be what occurred and that's why they've broken up with me and it is not good for your confidence or your ego and I think that's the other thing as well is when you kind of have to distinguish the difference between is this your

ego that's hurting or is it your heart that's hurting is this actually really upsetting me because I thought that I would have this life with this person and now all of a sudden that's been taken away or is this just a bit of a blow to my ego because this person doesn't want to be with me and I'm upset that they don't see that I'm amazing yeah like why like come to the party don't you know what how lucky you are we've all been there 100 but before we get into that I guess okay I have another question for you how would you feel if you saw your ex or if he saw you online dating would that be cool are you at a place that that would shock and hurt you or would you just wish there was a possibility that you never had to see him on there again

I wish that there was a possibility I never had to see him in general again yeah I wish there was a possibility to get rid of that okay well I can't do that but I read something really interesting today tinder have just brought in a new feature and you can now block certain people in your life from seeing your profile so you can put in your i think you just put in their phone number so you have to have the contact oh you put in the phone number into tinder and it will block that person from being able to see you i think that's bloody brilliant there were so many people i was trying to avoid when when i was on the dating circuit And especially like, I mean, like this makes me sound really sad, but you know, single

six years in Bondi, that's not that many people in Bondi. Like I churned through some dates. There were definitely some people and whether they were like flatmates, friends, exes, work colleagues, there were people that like, you just didn't want to see on there. And I wished at the time I could have blocked them, but you can do that now. I thought that this feature would have already been a thing. Like surely I thought that there would be a button where it's like, hide my profile from that person.

see I think that's really good actually and I think that that should be something they bring in so you can do it as you go because you might not have a contact's number but it does present another problem some people have come out on reddit and all these conversation chains and they're like this is all well and good you can block your ex but what about the fact that you could block your current partner or your partner's friends and just have a field day cheating well how many times we've had a lot of people write in actually we had one only on an ask uncut I think two weeks ago where a work colleague went to Queensland on a trip and saw her colleague's husband on Tinder. He's obviously gone away and thought that, you know, he's far enough away,

he's not going to know anyone. What are the odds? She's seen it. And then she's like, holy moly, do I tell my colleague that I saw her husband on Tinder? So it gets to a point where you could go through your phone. I mean, hypothetically, I hope no one does this, but you could go through and block your partner and all your partner's friends or your family or their family, and then just go to town well for starters I think you'd hope that if you were going to cheat on your partner your partner wasn't also on tinder right imagine if you're both on it that would kind of be like ah well you were doing it to me too but also I don't think you'd have all the phone numbers of your partner's friends would you I don't know I mean I feel like this is clutching at straws I

think that if someone's going to go to that much effort to get away with cheating they've probably got like a whole bag of tricks up their sleeve right I mean they're going to get caught anyway if anyone's listening we're not encouraged this and don't do it you always get caught like always all right producer Keisha before we get into the episode we have our favorite segment accidentally unfiltered this is not your first radio do you want to kick start yes I do and firstly thanks to everyone who sends these through it's often like the three of us kind of scrolling through and having a good old giggle sometimes I think that they will come in at such funny times of the night and my housemates will just hear me like start cracking up laughing and I wonder

whether they know what I'm laughing at 100 okay here's one for you so a few years back my boyfriend at the time and I were out for lunch and he had invited along one of his work colleagues and I'd never met this work colleague before so we're sitting there we're having lunch when we're chatting about everything and the conversation went to tattoos and I started telling him about this guy that my girlfriend had previously hooked up with she told me that he had a suck me off beautiful tattoo across his underline so he's a catch he's someone you want to take home to your mama darling i proceeded to say i mean how gross is that why the hell would you get anything like that tattooed on your body every girl is going to think that you're absolutely disgusting you can

only imagine my face when this guy looks at me straight in the eyes stands up pulls the top of his trousers down and starts bursting out laughing did he have suck me off beautiful tattooed on the top of his undie line rip me fuck my life how small can this world get i'm still embarrassed to this day what firstly bro go and get a laser removal like no one's got time for that i don't care what bet you lost secondly what are the odds that you're telling a story this happened to your friend that your friend slept with someone and it's the person sitting across from you it's probably in bondi it's probably one of your tinder dates it's like has anyone else slept with this person can you write in yes send a message if you've slept with a guy that specifically has

a tattoo that reads suck me off beautiful tattooed on his underline have you got one for me yeah i do my ones like proper cooked. I feel a bit gross reading it, but whatever. So the other day I came home from work and I was putting my stuff down on the kitchen bench when my three month old kitten jumped up to say hello. As I was patting him, I noticed something on his fur. It was as though he had gotten into something and it spilled on him, sort of like milk maybe. It had me rattled. Everything I could think of was nowhere in sight. Then I remembered something. I remembered how only a few weeks prior my partner was telling me that he was trying to have a little sexy alone time but the kitten kept trying to swipe his balls while he was doing it it suddenly clicked in this moment

i turned to him as he finished descending the stairs and i said babe did you come on the cat his face went from laughing to shocked and that's when i knew i burst into laughter he dropped to the ground turns out he was doing his thing and had mistaken the cat for an item of clothing wait wait wait wait wait wait mistaken the cat for an item of clothing was he aiming for it how do you do that how do you either you have like shot it out and it has intercepted it as it's like a running or you're a sicko or you're blind and what are you guys surely they surely they shoot it out don't they don't men just try and like see how far it can go surely not yeah i think so i reckon there's heaps people out there being like 100 they have at least once in their life

they want to know like what power and distance they have because they think it's like they think it means their swimmers are stronger i think so like i can guarantee you velocity to them do you know what it's actually really interesting can you all ask your partners in your life if they have ever done this if it's a thing that men do where they want to test the power of their sperm we're going to put a poll up and i'm going to ask you i want you to vote on behalf of the men you're like super curious i'm going to say yes i'm going to i'm going to say more people have done that once in their life. What are you going to do?

I'm going to say that's pretty cooked and a bit fucked up. Oh, I'm not saying it's not cooked. Well, anyway, it was lovely to join you for the intro. But don't worry, guys, I'm not on the rest of the episode. Your gal, Laura, is about to join you right now. Thank you for coming on, Keisha. We are in my lounge room. We are clothed, though, so it's so different.

I don't really know what to do with it, looking at someone's clothes. But we've loved having you, and I'm so glad you guys all got to meet Producer Keisha because she is very big behind the scenes these days and she helps Laura and I out incredibly. So thank you for coming and guys, let's get into the episode. All right. So on today's episode, we are talking about closure. And now the reason why we decided to do a whole media episode on the topic is because you all ask about it all the time. Honestly, it's one of the things where, and we get it in so many different variations, but one of the most common ask uncut questions that we receive is the constant question of my boyfriend

or my girlfriend has just broken up with me and I didn't see it coming and I don't know how to move on and I guess like the bigger picture of this is unpacking closure did you receive closure how important is receiving closure to be able to move on from a relationship and what are all the different aspects of gaining closure if you feel like you've been ghosted or you haven't been left with all the information and the tools that you need to put a relationship to bed and at the start when Laura and I were like cool let's unpack closure straight away I was like when we say to each other because we always do this before we go into our research we ask each other's opinion straight off the bat what do you think about this how do you feel about it and straight away I was

like I have never really felt like I needed closure I felt like I'm someone gives me bad news and I'm like cool I'm just gonna move on but like I'm a fly risk I like to go to another country and like deal with my heartbreak by being in Barcelona but yeah I used to just bury it and well at the time I was like I didn't think I needed it but I also had other coping mechanisms where I was dealing with it where in my head I'm like cool I don't need to deal with it but I was but when I started to really have a deep dive and think about my past I wasn't always like that there were times in the early days in my early relationships where all I wanted and I remember turning up to my ex's house on the doorstep in tears inconsolable saying why why tell me like

just tell me why give me a reason I needed closure and I honestly believed that I could never ever move on until I got that closure and then I've realized as the years went by as I got a little bit older a little bit wiser and a little bit more shat on I realized I didn't really need what I thought I needed and then we started to get into this okay is closure for everyone what does closure mean to everybody because closure is subjective it is the meaning is different for every single person and it's also different case by case relationship as well like we do have a tendency as humans to want to package something up and to make sense of something in our minds and go okay this is the reason let's put a nice bow around everything and pop it to the side which means I

can now progress on to the next thing everybody approaches the need for closure differently and like for example if you've been in a long-term relationship your need for closure if your partner was just to be like, Hey, cool. I'm leaving. It's probably a lot greater than somebody who gets ghosted after one date. Like, you know, we are all on this spectrum of like needing some sort of validation as to why a relationship has come to an end, but this doesn't just have to apply for relationships. And I think that's really important because you might be listening to this being like, Hey, I'm in a really happy relationship and I don't really need to listen to an episode on closure, but this could be in regards to work. Like for example, in this past year, a lot of

people have been made redundant because of COVID and maybe you were doing a great job maybe you worked for a great company that you had put a lot of time and energy into and you were made redundant and somebody else wasn't and you weren't given the answer why and you can use this episode for a tool to be able to help to get over that and the trauma of how you feel the fact that you've been made redundant or been fired you can also use this conversation in regards to like a friendship breakup if you've got a friend who you know you've lost touch with you don't really know why or what happened and trying to kind of reconcile why that person just removed themselves from your life can be really really really hard unless you understand the why but the thing that we're going to kind of

get to the bottom of is that the why is kind of irrelevant and that's where I think once we've unpacked this whole conversation where we're going to get to in the end yeah and like Laura said it's not just relationships it definitely is your work it is a status or a way of life it's also a death or a loss of someone that's really important it comes in so many avenues and it's important to ask yourself can we really expect and rely on somebody else to bring us that closure and what we need but to start off with what is closure the social psychologist Ari and I'm going to get this wrong Ari Kraglansky we did our research guys I just don't know how to pronounce the last name okay Ari Kraglansky coined the phrase I also think if you say anything with like a lot of conviction

everybody listening to this is going to be like yeah Kraglansky guy he knows his shit well no one's going to write to me but i think it's klagonski or if you do don't slide into my dms with a with a correction except for like the one or two people who are actually psychologists that listen every so often when we say something wrong we'll have a psychologist write to us and be like hey girls i love your podcast but fyi you didn't nail that part but the phrase that we've all heard of the need for closure finding the need for closure i have the need for closure it was coined in the 1990s and it's referring to a framework for decision making that aims to find an answer on a given topic that will alleviate confusion and ambiguity. Now, I find this interesting that

as humans, we feel like we can't get there on our own. We feel like every single thing has to have an answer. And what I find interesting is often it's not an answer that we're searching for, but it's an answer that we want. Well, I think the interesting thing with that is as humans, if we're missing a link, so for example, if someone breaks up with you or if you lose your job, whatever the thing is. If you don't have all the reasons, we like to make up reasons. We like to try and fill in the blanks. And then by filling in the blanks, all the things that we have created as assumptions become truth. And like sometimes that's helpful for healing, but other times that can be really detrimental. So we're looking for answers to try and close or resolve these painful

feelings. Essentially that's what we're doing. But while we're doing that, we overanalyze what's happened we examine every single piece of the puzzle and then closure is achieved when we are satisfied that all the puzzle pieces meet but the problem is and I think this is something that I used to do as well and Laura and I were talking about this sometimes you're like I need closure you go to get your answer but it's not the answer you want I remember like a past relationship them saying I don't want to be with you anymore and I was like okay I'm coming over I went over and I was like okay tell me why why don't you want to be with me anymore because in my mind and in my life and in the perfect future that I had created I was obsessed I was so in love it was everything

and they were like I don't think I need to tell you that and I'm like you do need to tell me that and he's like fine I don't love you anymore and I was like excuse me I was like yes you do I was I was like you do love me and he's like I don't and I was like but you do because I couldn't comprehend how not how you couldn't love me but I couldn't comprehend how I could have the feelings at the level that I did this all-consuming love and how I thought we were together forever and I thought it was perfect and that someone couldn't be meeting me at that level so for me that didn't do anything except make it worse fast forward to now and a lot of shit that I've been through if someone said to me like if Jordan came and said to me I don't want to be with

you anymore if it was like a grown-up conversation I'm not gonna walk out the door of course I'm gonna ask why I'm gonna be like well hey like what's happening like where did that come from what's going on but if he was like I just don't I can't explain it if he just said I just don't want to be with you I'm at such a different place now that that in itself is enough for me if someone can say to me I don't want you for me I'm like it doesn't really matter why then because the why to me is irrelevant if someone's just like you're not my person you're not all right for me and I don't want you in my life I've been through so much now that I'm like cool that's all I need because I just want to be with someone that wants me and if you don't I'm fine and I genuinely like

I'd be very upset of course but I'm at a place now where I'm like there's nothing to do holding on to that and sitting on that and dwelling on that doesn't bring anything positive to my life all it does is keep you like in quicksand stuck in quicksand okay so the reason why I laughed is Because, okay, guys, I'm pouring my heart out here and I'm looking at Laura laughing and I was like, I've either got something on my face or she knows that Jordan's about to break up with me. Fuck no, I would not be laughing at that. No, I'm laughing because you like accosted an ex-boyfriend as to why he didn't love you

anymore. And I'm just thinking about the time that I told an ex-boyfriend he wasn't breaking up with me. He was like, we're breaking up. And I was like, we're not. And then we stayed together for six more years. And I'm pretty sure for the entire time he kept trying to break up. I'm just very stubborn. We live and we learn people. No, but I think one of the things you

just said that, and maybe this is like the most important part of this, but this idea that obviously in your romantic relationships, you're going to be invested. They become part of your identity. They become part of who you are and what is important to you. That's just what happens. We intertwine our sense of self-worth with the person that we are having a life with or creating a life with now the issue is if you are getting your full source of love or admiration or self value or whatever it is if you are getting all of that from somebody else when that person leaves a huge part of your identity walks out the door with them and I think for some people and I know this for myself in the relationships that I have struggled the hardest to get over the relationships

that ended that caused me the most hurt and trauma they are the relationships where I completely lost my sense of self so once they had gone I was like well who am I now that they're not here and so it wasn't so much around needing closure but it was around I can't do this because I don't even know who I am anymore and I think that a lot of people who when they get their sense of self or they get their love or whatever it is that thing and I think that it's really important to kind of unpack what is it that you're getting from that relationship that you are not able to get from other areas of your life so that why can't you move on why are you stuck why do you keep looking in the revision mirror and looking in the past because until you're able to kind of be in

the present and start to mend those things that's where the closure comes from so I do think that people mainly think of closure and they jump straight to a relationship ending and that's what they want the closure from a divorce or a breakdown or I guess sometimes friendships as well but there is this tendency to need closure for I don't want to say more insignificant things but more insignificant things like when you're maybe you're online dating somebody or it's very new it's a few weeks maybe you haven't even met them yet and then they ghost you they just disappear this can leave you and I've been in this position too this can leave you sometimes more beside yourself than when a long-term relationship breaks down because you don't have any answer everything's

going fine everything's making sense then all of a sudden they disappear then you start to reflect on yourself you start to get these really toxic thoughts because you're like what did I do what did I say and I think the immediate thought process is reflecting on yourself as opposed to it's wrong and it's rude but maybe that person lost interest maybe that person dropped his phone in the gutter maybe somebody died in that person's life but I think it's sometimes more consuming these more insignificant moments like online dating for me personally because you're like what the fuck? Like you didn't even get a chance to know me. And it drives this level of anxiety as opposed to when you're in a long-term relationship and it has a breakdown. This is

when, and this is what I've read. This is when most people start to drive themselves insane and get really down on themselves. This is when they delete their online dating profiles. This is when they're like, I fucking give up. Everyone's a twat. There's this really interesting story that I read. I think his name was the angry psych, like the angry psychologist. And he was reciting his own story and it was from years and years before he was in a really long-term relationship like eight years and they were spending their life together she left him one day she just said I'm done and he was like whoa what like let's talk about this and she was like I'm not like I just it's done and she left he messaged her and called her obviously non-stop because he's like you can't

just do that I need answers when she's like well I have done that you know like this is done he messaged her every week for months and he never got a response she just ghosted him he for years convinced himself I can't move on until I get the closure that I need from her which she never gave me and he convinced himself of it so years went by he ended up having contact with her and he said can you meet me so she met him they met up after all this time and he was like finally I'm gonna get my closure that I need they met he didn't get any answers she left and this is when he realized fuck all this time I have put my life on hold because I told myself I needed to have this meeting to have closure and I didn't get closure and the realization of him not getting or needing

the closure was what gave him closure now I know that's like closure inception but he's like I walked away I didn't get the closure from her but I got closure because I was like I fucking didn't need it all this time it's me who is in control of how I feel and it's me in control of if I can move on with my life and accept what's happened but that's the reality right like I think the problem is and when we focus too much on like having a nice neat little bow to package up a relationship and put it in the cupboard it's the fact is that sometimes there isn't a why sometimes you can't explain the way that you feel you know and sometimes relationships break down for lots of different small reasons and you drift apart and there isn't this one big thing that's

like I cheated or I fell in love with someone else or whatever you sucked at your job like whatever it is sometimes there isn't an actual tangible why and that's because you know we are very complex humans we all have the right to leave relationships and change our mind and and I actually genuinely think and some people might disagree with this but I don't actually think that we deserve a huge explanation you know we I think maybe if you're in a relationship where you have children and your lives are entwined in that way yeah sure there's a level of care and a level of compassion and empathy that you should have for your partner but for example if you have matched someone on tinder you've been chatting a little while and they ghost you

no you know what that's a bit of shitty behavior but you're not entitled to a why you know you can't really get that angry and be like well you know i thought that we were going to catch up and then he never wrote back like there is a level of why do you feel so entitled to having all of the answers given to you and the other side of that is we never know what's going on in somebody else's life and we don't ever understand fully what they have happening and just because someone does something doesn't mean that they're actually intentionally doing it to hurt you that doesn't necessarily mean there's malice in it it's just that one person's out there living their life and the things that they do even though it affects you it's not done to you and I think that's a

really important thing to remember yeah I think sometimes we get it mixed up with curiosity like sometimes people have done stuff to me online dating been such twats I don't want to know why because I need the closure to make myself feel better I'm just genuinely curious I'm like what the fuck went on in their life I'm like it's like I like it by a bus like where is he what happened to him yeah like I'm actually curious I'm like what happened to you but I guess the next part I want to talk about is who needs closure and the personality types and there's a lot of research that indicates there are certain personality types that need it and certain personality types that don't and one study found that people who prefer order and structure and predictability

and really knowing their day's plan they have a more rigid way of thinking and a low tolerance for ambiguity and these are the people that really struggle with not having I mean we say closure a lot but not having the answers to something or something perpetually being the unknown that sort of scares them and they're the people that really need the structure or they genuinely feel like they're stuck in their tracks and in contrast more creative people more artistic people more people that are open-minded and they're more people that are comfortable with ambiguity. They're the people that are better able to cope with people that are like, cool, I don't have an answer, but that's cool. Like the universe, I'm on my path. I'm going to achieve whatever I want. They're not going to

stop me from achieving my dreams. So it's these more open-minded people that don't really feel like they need an answer to a relationship or to a job loss or to anything in life to move on. I mean, it's interesting, isn't it? Because I think that, I mean, maybe you are that person. Maybe you are the person who is a bit of an A personality type and needs structure and order and you're listening to this going like yeah actually there's been plenty of times in my life where I felt like I needed more closure but when you said that Britt like I can think of friends who have struggled with relationships ending when I say struggle with relationships ending we all struggle with relationships ending but they have struggled to a point where they really fixated on

the need for closure and I now that you've said that I'm like oh my god they are absolutely somebody who needs more structure and order in their lives and so maybe in that sense they needed to make sense of it in the way that everything else in life makes sense but the reality is relationships are messy they don't always make sense and we don't always have answers for it something else I found really interesting is that people that are more religious or have a belief system that maybe is more spiritual they don't need as much closure as people that don't and this is all research backed because they have this ideology of this is God's will so they don't need the answers because they can rely on being like oh this is what good wanted for me this is what

the universe has done for me I just found that really interesting because they're just far more accepting knowing that whatever has happened to them has happened for a reason so they don't need to go and find their answers I just found that really interesting one of the things that always comes up when you have this conversation around closure is the idea of ghosting right like I think that if we were gonna think of the most stereotypical example of someone needing closure it's the person who's being ghosted when I was having this conversation with Matt because I was like ghosting you know it's such a modern phenomena and Matt was like what's really not it's just modern in the way it's done these days like so we ghost people now by I mean I would hope

that nobody's ever experienced this but like imagine if your boyfriend didn't break up with you he just went on to Facebook and changed his profile to single like not in a relationship anymore I'm single now and then never text you back pretty extreme form of ghosting but I'm sure it has happened that happens all the time and I actually read something no I actually read something today that's so interesting and i'm gonna go and have a deep dive but facebook are actually changing the way now that you change your statuses and stuff like that because too many people are just changing their status to like broken up with without instead of having a conversation yeah i know there's gonna be someone listening to this podcast now who's like yeah i got broken

up with over facebook didn't even know about it but this is not new this is not a new phenomena like we've all heard of the wife who had three kids at home whose husband went out to go get milk and never fucking came home. Like, and the crazy thing is, so I was having this conversation with Matt and Matt was like, yeah, my mom's best friend growing up. That was her dad. Her dad literally went to work one day and never came home. And that was it. He moved to Perth, had a whole other family. Like ghosting is not something that's new. It just used to happen in a very spectacular fashion back in the day. But I think sometimes with ghosting, that's like the stereotypical scenario where we want to have closure. We want to be able to understand, well,

why did they do that but I think it all comes back to this idea of like just because someone does something and it affects you doesn't necessarily mean that they're doing it to you and even if that person like Brit said did give you some closure in that they said well I don't like the way that you are so extroverted or I think you're too loud or I think you're too this even if you had all that information are you going to change who you are at the core like what are you going to do with that information are you going to dull your flame you know are you going to be a different person to try and appease that person who's got the issue no the reality is is that they're the one that has the issue they're the one that wants out of the

relationship and it almost always entirely lies with that person it's not necessarily about you at all so you don't have closure you don't have the answers you've been ghosted what do you do first and foremost it's super important to know that you are the one that is in charge of obtaining closure and I think ultimately we can talk about this until the cows come home but it's always going to come back to you you are the one that is in charge of your thoughts and your feelings and what you tell yourself you need even if you do get an answer from somebody like Laura said you don't know a that they're telling you the truth you just don't know they could be scooting around the truth so they don't hurt your feelings you also have to be aware that it very well could

hurt your feelings then what are you going to do with that but also on top of that it also still might not be enough. They might give you exactly the reasons as to why it's happened and that why may still not be good enough. And if someone doesn't want to communicate with you, which we hear all the time, especially from you guys writing in saying, he won't answer me. He won't give me my answer. If they don't want to communicate with you, that's saying more about them than it is about you. They're not affording you the respect that you deserve in this situation. And I think you need to look at that as in, he's not speaking to me because I've done something wrong. You're saying I can't change the fact that he doesn't want to talk to me I can't change the fact that

he's not going to give me the answers that I need I can't change the fact that they just don't want to be with me well don't you think it's that old adage of like no answer is an answer no reply is a reply like at sometimes silence speaks louder than any of the other things that could or should be said and and I'm not saying that that's the right way like I definitely don't think that being ghosted or being given zero explanation as to why a relationship has broken down is fair I think that you know we all should be treating people with empathy and care and compassion but you can't expect that from everybody and so if you're not getting it from the source then you have to be able to give it to yourself and the key is learning to live with ambiguity the fact

of the matter is at some stage of your life whether it is work or love or friendships or family you're not there's going to be a situation where you're not going to get an answer you're not going to know why and you're not going to know how and you're not going to know when and you're not going to know where and you're not going to know what to do with it life goes on and this sounds really really blunt and I don't mean it to be but whether you sit in your room and dwell on that for a year and cry or you go out and make the most of it and go and get a new job or go and date life is going to go on regardless so it's really really important and I can't drive this home enough it's important to know that the quality of your life is dependent on your reaction to any given

situation you can't change the fact that the situation has happened all you can do is control what you do with that what energy you put into it and how you move forward I did ask Matt how does he go about getting closure and he was like the best way to get over it is to get on top of it or under it or something whatever it is not necessarily the best way guys we're not saying go out there and fuck your way to feeling better but I'm sure it works for some people one of the things I did read and I actually it's a lie I listened to it it was a podcast and the podcast I listened to was called The Overwhelmed Brain and it talks all about like obsessive thinking and how sometimes this idea of closure is actually more closely linked to like obsessive thought patterns

than what it actually is related to that person or that like breakdown of the relationship but I really liked the way this podcast episode and I can put the links in show notes I really liked the way that it kind of summarized how you can get closure if you don't feel like you've received it from the person and instead of looking at the thing that happened so instead of looking at the job loss or instead of looking at the relationship as in like you've been broken up with instead of looking at the final nail in the coffin that's not your closure that's the full stop at the end of the sentence the closure comes from the signs and one of the big things which I always find really interesting is that we have received so many ask uncut questions which were

like my boyfriend broke up with me I didn't see it coming I don't know how to get over it yes we weren't having as much sex anymore or yes we hadn't been spending as much time together but I thought we were good but now the relationship's over and so this podcast episode I listened to it was like instead of focusing on the full stop instead of focusing on the fact that that person has broken up with you you have to focus on the signs the fact that you weren't having as much sex anymore the fact that maybe your communication had been breaking down the fact that like whatever they had been gaslighting you when you'd been fighting all of the little things that were actually tell tell signs that were showing you that actually your relationship was disintegrating that is

your closure they're the things that you need to focus on and instead of trying to like bundle it up and put a nice bow in it pick up all those signs write them down if you need to that might be helpful write down all the things that were happening that like maybe at the time you didn't acknowledge maybe you didn't bring it up because you didn't want to have a fight you didn't want to you know have any confrontation you didn't want to have to deal with like oh it seems like too big an issue to deal with now think about what those things were write them down and that becomes your closure that becomes the reason why that scenario is the way it is okay so how do you deal and how do you heal I love that I made that up that's pretty good number one and we talk about

this in a lot of situations but number one is healthy boundaries and i really love this analogy if you keep on picking a scab it's not gonna heal because don't pick the scab also don't text them back so essentially that's what i mean don't go for coffee dates don't do drive-bys don't try and run into them don't stalk their social media don't call their phone number don't text them at least for a while we're not saying you have to cut these people out of your life forever stop watching their stories on instagram stop making fake instagram accounts so you can follow them but I it's really important and obviously this is not going to be for everyone some people are going to have relationships where there's children involved and they absolutely have to

have that communication that's so fine but the most important thing here is to set boundaries regardless of your situation have boundaries if you don't have to see them for a period of time like you don't have children then yeah you need to cut them off otherwise you're just going to keep picking at that scab okay the second one that Britt has put on this list which I really fucking like how she's titled this she's just written get a life which I'm gonna say this is my favorite point of the entire episode so far in a nice cute way though but like get a life but get a life get a life and I know that that is gonna hit so hard for someone who is in the absolute trenches of feeling this but get a different life get a different life get a new identity find new

things that give you purpose so I think like not only just get a life but work on the things and figure out the reasons why that relationship was so important like of course relationships are important and of course you're going to love someone for who they are but if that person was the sole source of why you felt loved if they were your sole source of why you felt happy and this is the really dangerous thing that we can do in relationships is we can put our entire happiness in somebody else and so when they leave we're like well how am I ever going to be happy again because I don't have that person in my life it's really important that regardless of how strong and how healthy and how wonderful your relationship is that you still have other things in your life

that give you purpose and that you still have other things in your life that give you value and maybe that's just starting to go to a new local cafe instead of going to the same place that makes you think of them maybe it's a new hobby or a new sport maybe it's like Laura where she took up salsa lessons I took up Italian classes at a local TAFE and it's like having great friendships it's not just like as soon as you get in a relationship allowing everything else to go by the wayside because you invest 100% in that person. Like that's so important. And I think that when breakups are so difficult and you require so much closure, it may be because there's other things in your life that are lacking. Thirdly, be patient. Time really does heal all

wounds. Be kind. You're allowed to be sad. You're allowed to sit in those feelings. When I say time heals all wounds, time also needs a helping hand. So ultimately what we want to end on is know that you as an individual are very capable and are in complete control of what you do with your thoughts and feelings and I think that is really really important whether you really want to go and you're like dying to text them you're dying to be angry at them you're dying to ask them questions write them down just write things down you'll feel so much better call a friend and say what you want to say to the friend because quite often you just want to vent and you don't really care who you bent to Laura and I do that all the time we used to call like we'll call each other all the time

and just vent whatever we want to say I've saved myself so many arguments by just texting them to Brit yeah we just talk her off a cliff but I think like at the end of the day and maybe I don't know if you agree with me on this Brit but like genuine closure for me anyway is when I can look back on a relationship or look at a person who I've had a big falling out with and think to myself I wish them well. Like I don't hold any resentment. I don't hold any anger. I don't feel sad or jealous or anything when they're moving on with their life or they have found a new partner or whatever it is for me, genuine closure. And I mean, obviously I have genuine closure with all my relationships, ex relationships now, but pre-mat it was when I could look at that person and go,

I don't wish ill of you. I want you to be happy. I want you to move on with your life. And it doesn't hurt me that you're moving on with your life. That's what I think genuine closure is. amen it's a really really beautiful thing when you get to a point where life can throw something at you and you know you're equipped to deal with it it is a really really nice thing and I do feel like I'm lucky enough I wasn't always but I'm lucky enough to be in a place now where I do feel like I can deal with a lot and that's not to say I don't get sad and depressed and angry and mad but I know what to do with it now and I know where to channel my feelings and my anger and my thoughts and it honestly when I learned that skill it changed my whole life because there's a level

of acceptance and again I'm talking about guys this is just in relationships and jobs I do not want to put the death or the loss of someone in your life into this category because that is a whole nother ballpark and of course you're going to need a whole lot of time to heal with that and a whole lot of help from a lot of people so we're not talking about that but I'm 100% and I've put a lot of work into it to get to this place you could throw anything at me now and I'll feel the feelings and it will still hurt but I don't let it stop me from living my best life in the future I just know how to handle it and move forward and I really hope that everyone can get to that point because it 100% changes your whole life and I hope that like listening to this episode as well like

you get something out of this conversation and if you are somebody who has been holding on to something or feeling like you aren't able to move on really thinking about how you can better invest in yourself or what conversations you can have with your friends or maybe go and speak to a psychiatrist or speak to a counselor in regards to like what can you do for yourself that will better put you in a position in the future to be able to go when somebody or if somebody walks out of your life go okay that hurts but they didn't take my whole sense of self with them the end all right guys you know that we never finish an episode without our suck and our sweet our highlight and our low light of each and every week and britney you can go first okay my suck

was that well it's not was it is is ongoing is that i froze my eggs last week and what they don't tell you and what you don't know is that you think once the freeze is over that it gets better because you're on two weeks of hormone injections I'm days after now and I'm in so much pain still so for like another 10 days or so or until your next period you are like I look like I have a small child in my belly you're so bloated it's rock solid it's very very painful I asked Laura to bring me some tea over for Shania because I didn't have any like soothing belly tea also Brooke kept on sending us videos of her off her face on oh my god that was so funny if you guys haven't seen my page yet i was her face i was off chops on drugs after the anesthetic and for some

reason i got my phone back somebody needed to take the girl's phone away you should have seen and i just started to message my group chat and my friends and stuff but i don't remember doing it and i was just sending them ridiculous videos so i've just come out of the anesthetic that's so drowsy um i don't think i'm all the way back to normal yet i better go before i say something stupid probably be good to record a podcast now that'll be fun this is one video i'll show you laura i'm like seductively looking at the camera and i don't look away and i'm drinking my sprite and i'm just looking at it drinking it and then at the end i don't break eye contact and i'm like it's delicious and that's all i say and that's the

video and I sent that to my friends and I'm like what but I'm just feeling a lot of discomfort and pain but it's so fine and it's so manageable but that's for sure my suck my sweet would have to be if you guys listened I'm taking a little bit of Laura's sweet today it's not the same sweet Laura don't we literally just spoke about she was like what is your suck in your sweet I told her my sweet and now she's stealing my no I can see it happening I can see it glazing over she was like fuck i don't have one my sweet is a part of your sweet i feel like you actually need to go first or it won't work okay guys my sweet i'll jump in you jump in no you suck first you suck first we try and bring you these episodes with like high energy and lots of positivity but i

actually rocked up at brit's house in tears today because i just sometimes have the parental guilts which I've been having really bad in the last little bit. Marley has been sick this weekend. Lola has conjunctivitis. And I've just been kicked sideways from the whole parenting thing. And it's funny because I get a lot of people who message me and they're like, how do you manage to do it all? And the truth is, I don't.

He has their breakdowns too. Yeah, some days are great. And some days, you know, I feel like I'm kicking goals. And then I have weekends like this weekend just passed. and I feel like a really really shitty mum and like look Molly's at home and Lola's at home they're both unwell and Matt's with them and I just did six days by myself while Matt was in Hamilton Island and like I'm not a bad mum by leaving at home for two hours to come and do this record but I feel like a bad mum like I feel like I'm doing a shitty job and I just want to be

home with my girls so which you're absolutely not but I mean to try and make light of a situation my favorite part of that situation obviously there's nothing good about it but you and I have cried in front of each other so many times and when Laura cries still in front of me she does this really cute thing when she curls up in a ball and then she pulls her jumper like she's like she's a child she pulls her jumper over her head so her head is in like a turtle inside a shell and she cries so like she won't let me just see her cry like a little scrotum that's sucked back inside I struggle with vulnerability guys and don't really cry in front of people so I like to pull my shirt over my head and cry on my own I'm a real ugly crier so yeah that's what I did so yeah look

I've been having some pretty hectic mum guilts lately and that's my suck. Which I hope you can reason, like you just said, you just did the six days on your own and you're absolutely not being a terrible mother. And obviously I can't understand the parent guilts because I don't have children, but I can 100% tell you,

you are a bloody good mum and you're doing a bloody good job. Yeah, but you know what the stupid thing about this is? And like, for me, and I'll admit this now because we're one big Life Uncut family, but me saying on the podcast, like you know obviously me coming and doing the record for two hours and matt was away for six

days like i'm not justifying that to myself like i realize i'm actually justifying that to people who are listening who might go oh well you are a bad mom for leaving your kids at home when they're not well crazy like that's what i think you know and like it's conjunctivitis and they're asleep like it's they're fine but i don't know i think like anybody who has kids knows how you go through these stories of like some days you do really feel like you're nailing it and other days you really feel like wow maybe I'm not that good at this whole parenting thing and yeah maybe it's important maybe like having this doubt and having this sort of imposter syndrome when it comes to being a mom makes us be better moms in the long run but anyway that's my that's my suck my sweet is and my sweet

will be for a while was the bonus episode that we did last week guys I have had so many of you message me I kind of forgot a story I told in the bonus episode if you haven't listened to the bonus episode you guys are missing out it's like it's my favorite episode we've done in a really long time so you need to go back and listen to it it's a bonus episode on just accidentally unfiltered stories so many of you messaged me about a story i told on there about how i used to date a guy who wanted to have sex with the back of my knee okay not one two he did he had a lot of sex with the back of your knee the knee fat when you crease it because he wanted to have sex with all of you yeah go listen to the episode it's great that's my sweet it's really okay actually every time i

listen back to it it makes me laugh okay i hope it has the same effect for you so my sweet is not like laura sweet is the bonus episode and how many people wrote to her about it my sweet is the fact that i was also getting a lot of messages about the episode in general but about laura's boyfriend wanting to have sex with a knee it's not it's not matt now guys like don't worry it's 18 this is my favorite part my sweet is getting a message from laura that said hey brit i'm getting a lot of messages about a knee thing and how funny it is what are they talking about and i was like oh my fucking god i was like are you serious and she's like yeah what was the knee thing this was a day later i was like how have you forgotten i was like the

knee thing where your ex fucked your knee she's like oh i forgot that that's what they were laughing at i was like how have you forgotten the funniest story in existence okay if you have no idea what we're talking about go back listen to the bonus episode you will not be disappointed you will have a good chuckle and that is it from us for today guys i am sick of my own voice this week i feel like i've i feel like we've been recording every single day so that is me i am tapping out and i'm going to eat some more ice cream because i'm an ice cream fiend you know the drill if you aren't part of the facebook discussion group where you at that's where all the magic happens that's where all the big juicy conversation happens and that's where a lot of

people are making friends so that's life uncut facebook on facebook discussion group don't go onto the page i mean do go onto the page but it's like secret squirrel club so go onto the page and then go into the discussion group likewise follow us on the gram life uncut podcast keep your questions coming in to the instagram dms make sure you title them ask uncut also keep your funny accidentally unfiltered coming in title them accidentally unfiltered and please if you haven't if you are one of those scallywags that listens every week you don't leave a review i can guarantee hear you right now your little fingers are free so i want you to go on to apple podcast hit subscribe five stars and leave us a review because that people is what helps us grow and we will be so

thankful that is it from us tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your sister and your brother and everybody else in your family because you fucking love the podcast and share the love because we love love Thank you for watching.