Life Uncut - From full swamp donkey to peacock - The best of THE PICKUP

Episode Date: September 10, 2023

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Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. It is Laura and it is just me on the intro of this little pick up best of. And the reason for that is because we recorded the radio show last week and then we all, Mitch Turi, Brittany Huckley, myself and also our incredible producer Tony,

we completely forgot that we have to record an intro. And the reason for that is because Britt was out the door because she was getting on a plane to go and see Ben. Mitch had a hot girl walk planned. And I am, if nothing else, consistent and I forget a lot of things. So that seems to be a reoccurring theme on this podcast at the moment. But this is the best of The Pick Up. You might not know this, but if you just are somebody who loves listening

to The Pick Up radio show, our little Sunday best of that we do, we have another podcast feed. It's called The Pick Up. It's where literally every single break that we do on the show gets put onto that podcast feed. So you can go and you can binge listen to the whole back catalogue of the radio show if you want to. Now, the reason why I'm telling you about that is because we are on radio break. The gods of radio have told us that we are allowed to have two weeks off. So there will not be a radio show coming out after this for a couple of weeks.

We also still have, of course, we're not going to leave you guys hanging. We have our Tuesday episode coming out. We also have our Thursday Ask Uncut episode, but then we thought while Britt is away, spending a lot of time horizontal, we would just take a cheeky week off and then come back refreshed and full of energy and ready to take on the second half of this year. So we have one week and then one week break. It's also the first week that we've had off the podcast this whole year, and it gives us a little bit of time to kind of get ourselves prepped and ready before October hits, which

is just going to be live show central and we're so excited also reminder if you haven't got your live show tickets ding ding go to lifeuncutpodcast.com.au and you can get your ticket for whatever venue is closest to you but anyway that is it for me guys I am laying on my the floor of my study recording this because it's the only place that's like remotely soundproof so I'm gonna go pour myself a glass of wine and go and watch the block enjoy the show if you're listening to this and you manage to ruin Father's Day in your household, please give us a call because I need to be made to feel a little bit better about this. What do you do?

Now, look, in our household, Maddie J, my husband, we have two little girls, four-year-old, two-year-old. He is an exceptional dad. He does so much for the girls. He carries so much of the parenting load from taking them to swimming lessons to organising the swimming lessons to going and buying them clothes when they need new clothes. He is truly a dad who shows up. He loves Father's Day.

It's such a beautiful day to celebrate what, you know, the whole dadding business, right? I got him a nice present, which I ordered online. It was supposed to arrive on Thursday and it hadn't arrived. So Friday I was tracking it with the postman and then it said it was out for delivery. And, you know, when you go online, you're like, okay, it would have been delivered and I was at work. Stressful. Yeah, and we were here. I get home from work after the, you know, the workday of deliveries is finished and it's not there.

It's not in the postbox, nowhere. Anyway, the delivery driver had turned around and taken it back to the depot. So there goes my present. So I was like, okay, crisis mode. Don't have time to get him a present because I had the kids all day Saturday and we had like a day of activities with the kids sort of already planned together. So I was like, okay, I'll sit down with them and we'll make some cards,

some beautiful cards, and Marley wanted to paint a rock and so we painted, made all these little presents for him. Yeah, nice. The thought. Yeah. And I left them outside to dry to then give to him for Father's Day. Yep. Didn't realise that I should have probably checked the weather forecast

because I woke up the next day and everything had been rained on. So all the cards were ruined. The little pet rock that had been made was ruined. Everything was completely. Surely the rocks are made for outside. Didn't the rocks survive the rain? Was there 10,000 years of erosion overnight? The rock was split in half.

It melted. It was painted with water-soluble paint. So the whole thing, it was like every card and every little thing that had been made for him was just drooping into the pavement. Oh, Laura, you made a huge fail. Well, I got up in the morning and I wrote him, I didn't have a card and I wrote him a nice message on a piece of A4 paper, and that's what we handed to him

on Father's Day morning, an A4 piece of paper. I thought you were going to say on the back of a bill or something, like just turn the electricity bill over. What was his response? Was it, is he heartwarming still? He just looked deflated. He looked totally deflated. And I was like, don't worry, we're going to go out for breakfast.

But by the time I managed to get the kids organised, dressed and get them out of the house, the line at the cafe was an hour and a half. And then I was like, okay, I'm going to make it up to him. I'm going to give him a bit of good loving at night time. Yeah, nice. And then I got to bed, it came to, got the kids into bed, and then I had a bit of gastro and had to go and sit in the bathroom

for the rest of the evening. So the poor guy got nothing. I'll tell you what, you're a catch, Laura. You're a catch. Hold on, Alicia's called on 131065. Did you also ruin Father's Day and make Laura feel better? Honestly, Laura, I think I can absolutely beat you on ruining Father's Day. Did you also have gastro?

Well, it's worse than gastro. Oh, God. Poor my poor husband. My son, Liam, he's 12, and he absolutely insisted. He's like, I need to cook Dad breakfast for Father's Day. So I was like, okay, I'm going to let him do it. It's going to be fine. So he made breakfast in bed, and we're sitting there,

and my poor husband's sitting there eating the burnt toast and half an orange, and it was really, really bad. It was terrible. And then his face just blew up. He just started to swell, and I'm just, oh, my God, what's going on, what's going on? He'd had an allergic reaction. To what?

What was on the toast? A baked orange. So, bless my little son, Liam. So, he'd made his own breakfast before he made his father's, and he knows that his father's allergic to peanuts. Oh, no. Oh, shit. I know.

So, he had put peanut butter on his own toast, and then he's made his dad did the same knife. And he's put, like, I'm talking, like, as soon as, like, my husband's lips touch peanuts or any, like, if I've eaten peanuts and I touch his lips, he has a reaction. Oh, my gosh. So, he's, like, really intense reaction.

So, the tiniest little bit went on his toast, and you couldn't see it because it was so horrifically burnt. So basically he had a major allergic reaction. My son was crying on the floor. We're all crying. And we spent the whole day in emergency. So I'm not going to give him any good lovings. I'd like to say you didn't ruin Father's Day.

Your kid did. And so at least you can feel better about that. Oh, you've made me feel better. Look at these two gaslighting each other, getting out of it. You're both terrible parents, terrible lovers. Look, I think we might have some making up to do. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. Maybe.

All right, well, happy Father's Day to Maddie. Listen, it is back tonight. Everyone's favourite, Australia's favourite cooking show, My Kitchen Rules, premieres 7.30 tonight, Channel 7 and 7+. Obviously, one of our faves, Irish-Australian imports, Colin Fasnidge, the star of the show. He's returning tonight and he's joining us now on Zoom. Hello, Colin.

How are you? Hello, Colin. I'm going to ask you straight away. Can anyone be a chef? Because I am ridiculously bad. I burn toast. I can't cook anything. Do you think there's hope for the people out there like me?

No. Great meme right along. It's like, what a stupid question. Can anyone believe that? It's like I can't even put up a shelf in my house. So me as a builder would be a disaster. So you have to have that little inkling. There's got to be something, right?

Because even when I follow a recipe, somehow it still goes wrong and I can't work it out. No, Britt, that's because your number one dish is cooking chicken dinosaur nuggets that's pretty much as that's where it stops in the kitchen all right all right Colin when did you start like how did you get into cooking and how did that become not just a passion but like your life career uh my my parents were really good cooks so obviously my my dad used to cook on Wednesdays and Sundays so back then it was unheard of you know what I mean you didn't eat the other days well my mom cooked the rest but back then men didn't cook do you know what I mean

As bad as it sounds, like I'm 50 now and for a man to cook, it was a big thing. And so when I said I wanted to be a chef, they were like, well, is there something wrong with you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now everyone wants to be a chef, even the people who burn toast and cook dinosaur nuggets. No, I still don't want to do it.

It's all because we've been watching My Kitchen Rules. But tell us, in your household, who does most of the cooking? Oh, me, 100%. Yeah. I'm sorry, Laura, if I married a chef, the guy's cooking. It's not like he gets to come home from his day job and put his feet up. No way.

But also, Colin, you met your wife when you were both working in the same restaurant. Yeah, see, I'd planned to come to Australia and meet a blonde on the beach and I met Northern Ireland in a restaurant, so there you go. Did she win you over with her cooking? Was she also a chef or was she waitstaff? How did that happen?

Oh, no, she's front of house, so she's the brains of the operation and I was just in the back screaming and shouting. Okay, right. Well, then another love that you met in the chefing world, the culinary world, is our beloved Manu, also on My Kitchen Rules with you did you guys meet in a similar way like you guys have been friends for like 20 odd years

yeah we didn't really get off on the right foot like chefs have got a lot of egos believe it or not and they like to clash in the early days so we were sort of competing and then I started on MKR and I was like oh my god this guy who I've

bagged out and he's bagged me out we're now on the same show together and it was It was his show, so he was the alpha dog. And I was still learning how to cook, you know, the craft. The craft. No, not cook. I cooked the craft on TV.

And then we made friends the first season, and from then on, that was it. What's something about Manu? Because everyone loves Manu. You can't dislike the guy. What's something, some dirt you can dish? Make us dislike him. Something that people would be surprised to know. Not a problem.

So when we film, we have a little camper van out the back. Like, in between entree and maid, Manu, because he's getting older, he likes to have a little sleep, so he sleeps down the end and the makeup girls put a little blanket on him, a pillow, and he farts quite a lot down the back. I'm the one who has to sit at the little camper table in the van, like, reading the paper, so he gets to bed. And so he just farts you out, that's it?

Yeah, he's French. It's a high-protein diet. We want to play a little game with you. It's a game we do here on The Pickup called Headlines. So, obviously, you're a very, very famous man here in this country. We have scoured the internet. We've found a bunch of headlines that have been written about you. Some are true and we've pulled from the internet.

Some, however, are completely and utterly made up. And it's your job. I've got to go, guys. No, no, no, no. Roll the intro. I can't lie. Head lies. All right, Laws, you hit him with the first headline.

You have to confirm headline or head lie. Okay, and then you have to tell us what's the truth behind the story. All right, my Kitchen Rules star reveals his secret crush on his co-worker. True. Who? Who's the crush? Manu.

Well, it was Manu and then Nigella turned up. Because Manu kept farting. Yes. Oh, my God. What a sea change to go from farting Frenchman Manu to goddess Nigella Lawson. Me and Nigella brought a bit of class this year. You know what I mean?

I agree. The show needed it. We're going to have to get Manu on so now that he can dish the dirt off. Defend his honour. Or I've got a headline. Ryan, what about this? Insiders reveal Colin Fastenage's hidden wig secret.

His infamous locks are a glued-on hairpiece to protect kitchen WH&S rules. That's actually true. I have a wig. Oh, my God, true. There you go. No, I don't. No, no. There's going to be.

All right. You couldn't afford this. You couldn't afford this. Actually, Mitch, it would be the opposite. Oh, H&S would be that hair. Like, you'd want to be bald, right? No, because that would get caught in a flame. Wait, when I do my Instagrams, like, I purposely touch my hair

and so many of the Karens just wig out about touching your hair. Really? I'll get 100, 200,000 views and there's just people like spinning out because you've touched your hair and I love it. Colin, there are a lot of views. Anyway, another headline. Colin Fasnidge admits, I served meat to a vegan. It was an accident and I couldn't tell them,

but they did say it was the best vegan meal they've had. Wow. False. Okay, that was false. I made it up. Shame. Would you ever be tempted to do that? Here's the thing, right?

In the old days, chefs all barked on vegans and vegetarians and blah, blah, blah, thinking they're cool. Vegans' money and vegetarians' money is the exact same money as a person's meat. And if you own a restaurant and you're an idiot like that, you deserve to go broke. Fair, fair. All right.

My Kitchen Rules judge Colin has a vicious feud with notorious food critic. 100% true. No, I wouldn't say a vicious feud. the story behind it was there was a critic who was going

all the judges on MKR were getting nailed by this critic and it was more because you were on TV it was basically you've sold out you're on TV

so I actually messaged the critic can I just start on TV and my restaurants were firing like I don't you know what I mean I was good at what I did

and I said if you're going to come after me because I'm on TV blah blah blah blah that's the end of the right I'm not going to tell the rest of the story because like legally

and And basically the message got true to him and he left me alone because it wasn't going to end well for him. And then I met him years later in a restaurant and I was sitting next to the table with my wife and he was with his missus and I said to my wife, oh, by the way, I should probably tell you what I've said to this guy. And we actually, he was quite nice and we went for a drink after.

No way! There you go. You befriended your bully. No, it's not a bully. I don't mind if the critic comes after me because of my food but don't come after me because I'm on TV

yeah I mean preach there's people here on TV preach I was hoping for a street fight so that's kind of disappointing but you know based on the true story

who knows if there was a street fight I would have won totally you never know what we'll get my kitchen rules premieres tonight maybe

caught on blur or maybe street fight with Colin Fastenage I'm 730 channel 77 plus great to have you on buddy great to chat good luck for tonight's premiere all I will say about this season is

one of the best seasons for having laughs, fun and emotion. A little bit of drama, but we're back to where we were. Is there any food? Is there any food, Colin? There's a couple of canapes and a couple of frozen dinosaurs. Chicken dinosaurs.

Britta will love it. Colin Fastidge. Thanks, buddy. We'll catch up soon. Guys, I know you've probably noticed that I'm a bit flat today. No one's noticed, have they? No, not at all. I actually thought it was nice. So I'm like, thank God we have a bit of peace and quiet.

Yeah, flat like a pancake I am, like a panjack. What's been going on? Someone's stolen my identity. Oh, wow, like a scammer online. Not quite, but just as severe. So I woke up and went on my Instagram like everyone does, right? You guys know I'm in a long-distance relationship. My partner, Ben, obsessed, lives over in Scotland.

He's a footballer over there, plays for Celtic. My sister, Sherry, who is like my best friend, who is me, Everybody that knows my sister, we always have the same jobs. We always work together in hospitals all around the world. We're the same person. If you were to talk to us on the phone, you wouldn't know who's who, right? Yeah, we know Sherry, Laura, and you're very similar. Look different, but everything else is the same.

So I wake up and I go onto my phone like everyone does in the morning. I'm going through Instagram stories and my sister pops up and now my sister's travelling overseas. She's actually in Scotland. And I open the page and I see her stories at Topgolf and I recognise it. And I was like, oh, that's the Topgolf in Glasgow that Ben and I always go to. And I was like, oh, that's cute.

And then I flicked through the stories. And I could see in the stories there was someone else's feet there, right? And then I was like, then I flicked through the story. And did you go, oh, so she's with someone? Yeah, she's playing golf. So I flicked through the story and then my favourite restaurant over there pops up. And I was like, oh, my God, I love that restaurant. She's found it.

That's cool. I didn't even tell her about that. And that's a restaurant that you would go to with your partner, Ben? With Ben. And it was my favourite fettuccine carbonara in the pizza. And I was like. Your favourite dish at your favourite restaurant. Yeah, and I was like, so random.

And then all of a sudden she's the next slide over. She's in the players box at Celtic football match in the VIP area watching the match. And I was like. Watching your boyfriend play. Watching Ben play. And I was like, what is going on? Next slide is the next morning because they play tonight.

The next morning and there's coffee in Ben's house. I was like, my sister is living my life. I'm stuck over here in Australia. And my sister has taken my identity. Wait, Britt, did you know? That's so extreme. Did you know that they were hanging out? I was going to say I introduced them.

I did. So they only met without me. So they met over in the UK. I was like, you need to hang out with my sister. And, Sherry, you need to go and meet my partner, Ben, so you guys get to know each other. Turns out they're having a great old time, and I'm sitting here on the other side of the world,

and she is living my life. So those feet in the Insta story were your boyfriend's. Ben's pasta, Ben's restaurant, Ben's house, Ben's coffee. So it turns out she stayed the night there. Not with Ben, but, like, because she's travelling. And I was just like, you're me. Did he not tell you, hey, babe, I'm catching up with your sister? Yeah, they did.

I was like, what's going on? They're like, you said, you knew we were catching up. And I'm like, not for days. I didn't know she was me. She's got a brown wig on. It was weird. No, not doing everything that you love, your favourite carbonara and a VIP box at a game, which is meant for the wag.

I might be overreacting. She is there with her husband, Jay. that's key information so jay's feet were also in top golf but it was this moment where i was like oh my god she's living the life i want how does it feel that you're now the the fourth wheel of their little thruffle they couldn't spend more time together than i've spent with my partner ben it's i'm distraught i think what am i gonna do i'm gonna have to fly straight over there what if he likes sherry more i'm out we've just lost brit everybody all right well it's you and now, Mitch. It's us, baby. Let's do it, Laura.

But surely there's no people that are like... No, I don't think you have to worry. It's your sister. It definitely makes you... It would make you jealous, but... I definitely don't need to worry. I trust them both. It's just more I'm jealous. I have FOMO. I have theory of missing out. But surely there's not people out there who have been, like, dumped and then their partner's dated their sibling.

Surely there's not a thing. That happens for... We've spoken about that on this show before. That happens. Yeah, but what? One in a bazillion? Alright, well, look, I don't know whether we should get calls to reassure you or whether we should get calls to debunk it, but like... I'd love to know. Yeah, 131065, did your sister move to Scotland,

have dinner and carbonara with your partner and watch him play soccer? Nah, I'm frothing them. I love that they're all family. All right, well, if you're happy, we're happy. I wonder how many people have, not that this is a thing with us, but I wonder how many people have ended up dating someone and then splitting with them to date their sibling.

I was like, surely that's not a thing. I don't think that can be a thing because that would insinuate that while you were dating your partner, you were kind of having eyes on the sibling. Okay, I feel like this would tear a family apart. And Britt, I like that you're very clear in saying, now this is not happening to me, but I'm just curious. Well, because Jay and Sherry are over there together with Ben.

They're all having this amazing, like, connection. They're getting to know each other without me. And that's what started the conversation. Well, we spoke about this on the show yesterday. And then we went, I went to sleep, woke up, DMs galore. Yeah. But this is an actual thing that has happened to a couple of people. So we thought, let's chat to them and see if it has destroyed their families.

Tell a novella style. Coincidentally, what a great name. We've had Rose. Oh, that is so bold and the beautiful Rose. What happened? What's the drama? Tell us everything. Okay.

So many years ago when I was like, you know, much younger, prettier, that type of thing. I'm sure you're still very beautiful. One of my first ever boyfriends, I was 18. and, you know, when guys just get a little bit too clingy, they get a bit too annoying, they're messaging you all the time and it's, like, suffocating you. So that was sort of starting to happen. Must be nice, yeah.

I mean, can you blame them, Rose? Yeah, what happened? And then, like, I had met his brother a couple of times when I was at his house and his brother was sort of, like, the better version of him. So, like, less annoying, better looking, smarter. like um he owned his own business etc anyway i saw the brother out one night i was a bit drunk we were getting shots together ended up kissing and then i was like okay now i'm gonna have to

break up with uh the annoying younger brother so i ended it the older brother and i kept on talking uh and then yeah a few months later i was back at the house and then everything came out in the open and then i had to sit at family dinners with like everyone there and we just make jokes about Wait, wait, wait. How long did you date the older brother for? Like a year, yeah. And then obviously we went our separate ways after that. Did he know that you guys cheated

or does he think you just got together after? I think he has an idea. What happened between the two brothers? Like, did they have a fight? Was there words? Like, high five? Surely it wasn't just you two. There was a bit of tension.

There was a bit of beef, but I don't know. I guess brothers just get over that sort of stuff. No, they don't. Famously not. That's not how brothers work. Hold on. We've got Steph as well on 131065. This happened more than we thought.

Hi. So I was dating this guy for about a year. Like things were like pretty serious. I was a bit younger. I was in my sort of mid-20s. And he broke up with me for my sister. Now, my sister and I didn't really, there were some issues with us anyway, but we haven't spoken since.

and that was like five years ago. Wow. Are they still together? No, they're not. So you have no relationship at all with your sister now because of this betrayal? Yes. Did they cheat or did this happen after the fact?

Oh, they denied it, but I wouldn't put it past them. It's just, I don't know why it hits different for sisters. It hits different. Like I feel like the brother thing is bad. No, it's bad, but for some reason maybe because I'm so close with my sister, I just know it would never happen. but it just hits different when the sister betrays you, I think. Yeah, well, with the boys, we're like,

did you high-five and go get a steak to celebrate? And now we're like, disgusting. Yeah, feminism. Awful, disgusting behaviour. I can't believe it. What did your parents think of this? They weren't obviously condoning it, but again, what do you do? Like, they have to be parents, so they can't really take sides.

Mate, he's not coming over for Christmas dinner. Get out of here. Jesus, wow. These stories, we should take them and just write like a Stan original series. A telenovela with Rose as the lead. Britt, I have noticed this throughout the week. Every day you come in and you're looking slightly more prim and proper and the eyebrows are fluffed and the eyelashes are done

and the hair extensions have been fixed. And today the fake tan extensions have been extended. They've been fixed, I said, sorry. And then the fake tan has been applied. every day you're getting slightly more attractive. Oh. Which must mean... What was I at the start?

You started off like a swamp donkey and now we're here. No, you looked great. Sorry, Brit. No, you look... That's my normal being. A swamp donkey. You went from looking like you could live under the bridge to looking like a beautiful princess that's riding a horse into the sunset.

I've noticed it too. I was at your house the other day, Brit. You were clipping your toenails and then you had an eyelash curler And I go, what are you prepping for? She was killing a toenail. I don't know if I should be wildly offended at this conversation or happy that I'm now living on top of the bridge. No.

I am doing what we like to call the peacock. It is true. I'm peacocking. I'm going to see my partner, Ben. We're long distance. He lives overseas. I haven't seen him in just over two months. And when I'm not with Ben, sure, I let myself go.

I go full swamp donkey. I just don't take care of myself anymore. Because I've got no one to impress. Okay. At what point? Because, like, is it not catfishing a little bit if your partner doesn't have any idea if every time you see them, you're so perfectly immaculately put together? I think if Ben can't handle you when you're a swamp donkey, he doesn't deserve you at

your best. We're not at swamp donkey stage yet. So I'm not going to let him see the full swamp donkey. I feel like you let swamp donkey out once you, like, lock them down and you're married. Yeah. When you live together. My husband, Matt, sees all versions of Laura Byrne. He sees every so often when I've got my hair and makeup done,

he's like, wow, you can still look beautiful. But then he sees me 99% of the rest of the time and he's like, it is not as good as it was. Well, no, I am cut and coloured, tanned, waxed and plucked. So I am ready to go. And I've realised I save so much money being in a long-distance relationship because there's no maintenance. There's no, I don't get the gardening.

I don't do anything. Zero servicing. Zero servicing. Well, there's zero servicing, yeah. Yeah, no, zero servicing as in, like, no, don't need to shave the legs, don't need to shave under that. Like, doesn't need to do any body maintenance because you're like, I know no one's going to see this, and then you just have to go in

and go hard. No, I'm sorry. I don't believe in that. Self-respect doesn't die out when you're in a long-distance relationship. You just groom yourself. Excuse me, people who have, like, hairy legs and hairy underarms still have self-respect. Oh, don't throw that my way.

Laurie, you're the one that called me a swamp donkey. Yeah, get off your high horse. It was more the toenails and the patchy fake tan that I was worried about. What if, Britt, that he just decided to surprise you and turned up at your door, ding dong, it's me, I'm here, the beautiful boyfriend. Hello, hello, top of the morning to you. Guys, he has seen me.

He sees me. We do spend time together. We don't just have a long-distance relationship. He sees me. You'd be shocked. You're on FaceTime. You've got a filter on. You're a puppy dog.

Do you know what? This is the good thing. A face, what is it? Face. Time? Tune? No. What's the new one?

Is it Zoom? Zoom has like a filter, an automatic filter it applies now. I think FaceTime might do it too, where it's like not the donkey one, but I swear to God, it's like a beauty filter. I'm like impressed with myself sometimes.