Life Uncut - Get Your Heart Rate Up- The best of The Pickup radio show

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

It's our weekly round up! The best of the week from our National radio show THE PICKUP.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gavigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. I'm Mitch. And this is our radio show where we package up all the best bits

of the pick-up and we put it right here for you. I love it every week when you say that so casually. Like, this is our skyscraper that we own. This is our radio show. It just is. We just do it every day, you know, 3pm, goes for an hour. How lucky are we that we get to talk shit all week and then package it up into a little package shit?

Basically, in case you were wondering, this episode is just a small shit for you, but you can listen to the whole shit over at the Pick Up Podcast. Done a little poopy. Imagine if that's how we described the show. It's like full podcast, big shit, and then small shit. I think that that is literally how Britt did just describe the podcast. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I feel blessed. It's a nugget. All right. Well, happy Sunday, everyone. But, okay, I want to tell you something. So this is a story that I was thinking about sharing on the podcast but didn't make it, but I did share it on radio this week. Matt and I, look, we were getting intimate.

You know this isn't an actual radio anymore, so you can say sex. Yeah, yeah, okay. We were having a very infrequent sex session, as we do. But how would you say it if we were on the radio just for fun? We were having romantic cuddles or doing the horizontal dance of love. And now how do you say it if it was just you and me privately, no record? We were fucking. Yeah, we fucked.

We fucked for seven minutes. Kissy, kissy, one, one. Okay, we were getting it on. It was very romantic at the time. I was thoroughly enjoying myself and then Matt did something to completely ruin it. He ruined it. And we don't get to do it often and it doesn't usually go for very long.

So when he does ruin it, it really stands out. Can I ask you a personal question? Sure. You can answer too much. Okay. Do you feel like, like I feel like most people, obviously when you're talking, you know, sex in a relationship. Horizontal dance of love.

When you're talking about sex with couples. No, but when you're talking about, no, I don't want to say talking about. Each couple has a bit of a trend of the style of sex they do. And I know you touch base on everything. What, like a pattern? No, you were saying like it was very romantic. You were saying it was very romantic. So are you guys love makers or are you like fucking?

Because I feel like I, for some reason, wish I didn't imagine it, but when you were just describing the love making, you said it was very romantic. I pictured all this slow music and candles and like very, you know. It's not like TV show romantic. It's like we don't go to that much effort, As in, like, we're not setting out candles and stuff. That's a fire risk.

We've got small kids. Slow, intimate. He likes to look into each other's eyes. Which means it really stands out when he's not looking into your eyes and he's looking somewhere else. Does he? Every time, Laura? Not every time, but this time in particular.

Do you get dirty? Like, do you get spit on me? Do you do that stuff? Mitch, the amount of times that you've asked us to spit in your mouth today. Mitch, do you look into your- I do sometimes. It depends on the person. I don't get that dirty with Matt.

I feel like it depends on the relationship of the person. Do you look into your partner's eyes? Just the one. Looking in your big brown eye. Oh, yeah. Brown eye? Yeah, that's what the song's about. Is that an anal joke?

Yeah. That was really funny. It took you a while there. But I didn't realise you made the joke. I thought you were singing her that song. No, it was the joke, babe. Why would she just start singing that song off a one-eye sex chat? Do you know?

Also, I've broken up. I don't have a partner. No, but you still had a style. Oh, it was severely romantic and intimate. You actually have asked us far too many times about spitting in the mouth, so we already know your style. I like that, though. Now in my new era of my new hot boy slut era, I like the dirty.

Okay. Do you know what's happened? We can't talk about anything that's, like, in any way over PG rated for radio. Like, we're so censored. And then we get to the end of the week and we do this top of the podcast, this little intro, and we're like, yeah, smutty, smut, spit in mouth, because it all has been bottled up.

It's like we've got some sort of sex Tourette's. The pick-up might pick me up and fuck me against the wall. The show, let me, okay, hang on. Let's rein it back in, back on track. I segued us, but talking about PG, the show is very PG, but I did have to have a PG-ish chat with my niece this week. For some reason, I was at a family get-together, some reason the birds and the bees embryo slash egg-freezing chat

fell on me and I had to have it with my 12-year-old niece and it was very interesting. You know how we love bringing a fresh hot study to the pick-up, right? I read and read and read and then I bring it straight on the air. It's always quality too. Well, this is really interesting. Now that I'm newly single, I'm reading up on relationship and sexy articles and things that I can really lean into.

Do you Google sexy articles? Is that what you do at night? I've got Google alerts on for sexy news. Yeah, Mitch has been searching a few other things, I reckon, late at night. Listen, new research has revealed the accents that Aussies find the most attractive. The number one accent that Australians find attractive is French. That's not shocking remotely. The French are so hot.

The language of love. I think that this isn't a cliche. It's boring. It's a cliche. It's just boring, Brent. It's a cliche for a reason. Because it's like when someone says it's such a stereotype. Well, it's a stereotype because usually it's true.

The French are hot AF. Their accent is beautiful. Their food is amazing. The thing is, in this study, psychologists looked at all key accents. Apparently, it's related to the social and cultural associations with each accent. So socially and culturally, Paris, the city of love, people lean into romance when they think France. Well, you think amazing lover. Do you?

I mean, I do. I do not think this at all. I think, honestly, if anything, maybe because it's such a cliche, I find it even less attractive. Hold on, hold on. Of course I don't just bring articles to the table. We don't just waffle on. I've got on the line. We don't just croissant on.

We don't croissant on. Joining us now live from Paris, France, is Gregory. Gregory's a French man, and I thought, let's get him on and let's put this accent to the test and see if we can change your mind, Laura. Bonjour, Gregory. Bonjour, Gregory. Bonjour, guys. How are you?

Oh, Greg, you sound pretty Aussie right there. Yeah, I know. You weren't born in Goulburn? Were you? No, no, no. I was born in the south of France called Montpellier. Gregory, why don't you tell Laura Byrne, why don't you perhaps say,

Laura, you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. In French, of course, yeah? Yeah, yeah, of course. Laura, tu as les plus beaux yeux de la terre. Oh! Brittany is sliding off her seat and I am unaffected. I'm baguetteing up over here. No, you're enjoying this, Mitch.

You're working on me. Oh, okay, wait. I've got one for you, Greg. Can you say to Mitch, Mitch, I would like to massage your back and suck your toes. Oh, my God, that's a hard one. Mitch, I would like to give you a massage in your back and suck your toes.

Shoes are coming off. I'm taking my shoes off. I have an ultimate put to the test because, like, I'm so into this accent. Gregory, can you please say to me, Brittany, I am going to take the rubbish out after I pick up the dog poo. Brittany, je vais sortir les poubelles.

Après ça, c'est l'amour. Oh, yeah! Kick up that poo, Greg! That was pretty good. I've turned on... Actually, I just need a man to talk about cleaning. It's hard. I'm convinced.

That is so hard. Okay, one question, Greg. Sorry. C'est ma apologies. Oui? C'est quoi? Quoi? Greg, as a Frenchman with this beautiful accent,

the world-renowned French accent, And what do you think of Australian accents? So what do you think of women with Australian accents? Well, it depends from which state and which city, but I think it's pretty sexy. What are our accents? Like Laura and myself, how do our accents come across to you now? Do they turn you on?

You sound beautiful. Oh, this is a lot. Okay, the French are sexy, but they can't lie. I'll take any man who will come over and pick up the dog poo in our backyard. Thank you, Gregoli. Continue slaying the world. Bonjour. Bonjour.

Bonjour. Merci. Thanks, mate. Wow, there you go. See you, Cobber. See you, Greg. All right, coming up on The Pickup, Laura, your husband, Matty J, is in trouble. He really did something that ruined the mood.

Let me just say that. Okay. That's next on The Pickup. The Pickup, bye. Guys, I wish I had a sexy story for you today. I wish that this story was about a hot, steamy rendezvous I had with my beautiful husband, Matty J. I'd love that more than anything, to be honest.

Look, it wouldn't be appropriate for this time slot. Probably not at 3pm. But you know what? That's not what this story is about. I want to tell you about how Matt absolutely ruined the mood just last night. Do we guess what he did? No, no, no.

You know that Matt's in his fit era. He's been running so much. Mitch, you'll relate to this. Matt has been running a ridiculous amount. and he's been running like 20 kilometres on a Saturday, he'll just disappear and be like, babe, popping out, and I'll know if he's got his like fluoro yellow Nikes on and he ain't coming home for a few hours.

He bought himself one of those Garmin watches. Do you know what they are? Is that what it's called? Yeah, they can track your everything. Your heart rate, sleep. Your heart rate, your kilometres. How many proofs you did. Okay, so he's become obsessed with it in terms of sleep

and every morning I wake up and he goes, oh, babe, got eight hours and like, you know, three and a half hours of REM and then he'll give me the breakdown of his sleep, even though I could not care less. You're there like, I was up with the kids all night. I was like, I know, because the kids were crying and I went into the bedroom and you were snoring. So last night, we were doing the horizontal dance of love.

I don't know how to make this as appropriate for this time slot as possible. You're a married couple. You were doing it. Yeah, we were doing it. We were doing what created our two children, but you know what? No more fun. I think we got it, Laura. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It doesn't happen often. It's a real special moment. Put it this way, we were adamant. What did he do? Let's eat it. So as we were in the midst of it, every so often I noticed he would look down. Oh, no. And I was like, he was just very distracted.

And so, like, he looked down and I didn't think anything of it. And I was like, you know, it was enjoyable. Anyway, two seconds later, well, a few minutes passed. Two seconds. A few minutes. It doesn't take long. He looked down again. A few minutes passed again.

And he looks down again. And I'm like, what are you looking at? And I thought maybe he was looking at his phone. Like, you know when you've got a phone on a side table? And then I realised he was looking at his new Garmin watch. And I was like, are you checking the time, pal? Like, you've got somewhere you need to be tonight. Is that what's going on?

And he stops and he goes, oh, sorry, babe. I was just checking my heart rate. Matt was using our special puddle time to check and make sure that he had gotten his heart rate over the right BPMs that he wants to hit per day. What, to burn extra calories for his fitness goals? Okay, my immediate response is no, Matt. But then I've just sat on it for three seconds and I've changed my tune.

I'm glad for it. Because this means he's wanting to get his heart rate up. He's putting in a better performance for you as a direct result. Oh, yeah, heart rate means he's putting in more effort. So, yeah, can't you lucky stars that he's not wanting it lower? Guys, it's not a sprint. We're not here for a speed race, are we? No, but it's maintenance.

If he's running a marathon, he's maintaining that speed for a long time. So you could be at a level eight to nine for lower than that. 131065, how did your partner ruin the moment? Because I feel like us as partners, we can do things that, you know. Yeah, don't check your heart rate when you're in the middle of a special cuddle. No, my ex used to change songs during fun times using Siri. No! So, like, in the moment, we'd be, like, in the middle of the Throes of Love

and then, like, you'd pull away from a neck kiss and it'd be, Hey, Siri, play Lady Gaga! And I'm like, that doesn't do anything for me. But also, you'd just gotten the right rhythm to the song prior. You don't want to switch mid-song. So confusing. Mindy on 131065, what killed the moment with your partner? Hey, firstly, I just want to say I'm an OG listener

and it's really just so surreal being able to... Hey. Hello, lovely. But on a regular basis, my partner's mum will just call persistently because he has a smartwatch. It will just continually ring on his wrist. You can't mute that. I think you do not disturb before getting down.

It's a bit awkward. So you look at his watch and then you read mum. Mum with the love heart emoji. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He doesn't answer, does he? I think he might have a couple of times. No. Three's a crowd, especially when it's with your mum.

That's insane. Steph on 131065, how did your partner ruin the moment? Oh, my gosh. He decided to let off the biggest fart. Oh, Steph. It was so bad as well. Like, so bad. Was this recently or are you traumatised by this?

This happened months ago. Oh, years ago. Laura and Mitch don't really care about farts for me no no no that's off I'm out

pants are on out the door excuse me during sexy times I definitely care I'm not an animal sometimes it slips out sometimes you can't

you can't stop it are we at the end of the day yeah feeling a bit anxious to be honest well we love you Mitch Jerry this is what I want to

preface this with we really really do love you you're such a beautiful wholesome kind giving person attractive thank you so much

oh so I thought chiseled chin I was going to say but Brit now I'm worried Thank you. Well, the chin has nothing to do with this, Laura Byrne. I discovered something about our very own Mitch on the weekend

that I never thought I would have heard in my existence. This is serious dirt and we've got to reassess our friendship. Get off it. Mitch and I went out to dinner on the weekend. There were a few people. There were four of us. But Mitch arrived first to the restaurant and I arrived second. Because Britt texted me going, don't be late.

If you're late, friendship over. So I was like there early. It's dramatic. Imagine me saying that. I walked in and I was about to give my name. I was about to say, oh, booking for Brittany. And I was like, I have booking for, and she goes, the waitress, she goes, Mitch is already at your table.

Let me take you through. And I was like, oh. Mitch, when did you become such a celebrity? I'm on my roller. I was like, ooh, she knows Mitch's name. She knows who I am. I was like, they've done their due diligence. This is amazing.

So we walked down. Mitch is sitting there already with a cocktail. Martini, extra dirty, extra olive. Very, very dirty. A fat James Bond. In my head. Anyway, so I sit down and then the waitress comes back over with another martini and she says, here you go, Mitch, another for you.

Puts it down and he said, oh, thanks, Maria, name dropped. And I was like, oh, I thought they must have gone to school together. I was like, oh, my God, how do you guys know each other? This is so cute. And without skipping a beat, she goes, oh, I will never forget Mitch Cherry. He came in four years ago and he was the rudest person to me that I've ever had come in this restaurant. I'm sorry.

No. And I said, what? I said, what? What are you? Sorry, did I hear that right? Mitch was rude. She's like, Mitch was rude. And I said, I don't believe.

I still thought it was a prank. And I said, what happened? And Mitch was blushing. And I said, what happened? And she said, it was Valentine's Day four years ago. Mitch came in and requested a table and the table was directly behind us. So apparently, she goes, I sat him on this table directly behind you, which was a high table, you know, the high ones.

I mean, these details, Britt, are very specific considering this happened four years ago. Considering I'm sitting right here, would you like the actual story? Hang on, no, no, your version's irrelevant. This is the story. Mitch booked on a date a table and he got given a high table and she said he absolutely cracked it because he wasn't happy with the table that he was given on Valentine's Day.

Oh, you've been trying to impress your boyfriend. No, what happened was it was the first Valentine's Day with my partner at the time and I wanted to impress him. And it was a very fancy restaurant we were at. It was a five-star restaurant. There is nothing more impressive when you're on a date, watching your partner be rude to wait staff. So impressive.

No, but I was trying to throw my weight around. I said, babe, I've got us a table at the hottest Japanese restaurant in town. And we walk in and she says, here's your seat at the bar, like a pleb. You are a pleb. So I held my partner's hand. He was shaking from the trauma.

And I said, don't worry, babe. I got this. Excuse you. I booked weeks in advance. And, yeah, I was trying to show off that's not who I really am. And I apologise. But also we're friends now. So there's no problem.

I think it went a little bit further than that. And I knew that you would debate this on me. So I have the very lovely waitress, Maria, on the phone. Hi, Maria. You don't. Hello. Hi, Maria. How did you get Maria's number?

Because now I'm friends with Maria. No, I'm the third wheel in this. Maria, what was it really like? Was there really, I mean, the four years on, do you really remember Mitch as being one of the rudest customers you ever had? Definitely, especially since I saw you recently. You know, now it's very fresh in my memory. What?

And it's very much the way you describe it. It's very demanding, very disappointed. Oh, Maria. It's stuck with me. Maria, has he gotten better over the years? Because, look, you know, he can be a little bit of an arsehole, but we love him. He's a lovable one.

No, we love him now. He's great. No, Maria. That part of the story is also true. Oh, Maria, I want to take this moment and extend the olive leaf and say I apologise for those four years ago. And I'm no longer with that partner, and he was the one that made me angry and toxic.

It's his fault. And now I've shed that dead weight, and, baby, let's get some drinks together. Do you want to know what the best part is? The best part is that Mitch was, like, on his best behaviour because our friend Rebel Wilson was there and Mitch was like, I'm going to impress Rebel Wilson. So he sits down, goes, pulling his best behaviour

and then the waitress walks up and she goes, you were the rudest person that has ever come. We tried. I tried my best. Thanks, Maria. I'll see you for our Sunday lunch, okay? I'll see you soon. Thanks, Maria. See, no bad blood. You try to damage my name, it's impossible.

I did not try and damage it. I was just shook. I didn't even believe it. I had to ask her three times. I had a real let's grow up real quick moment on the weekend I had to give the sex talk of sorts to my niece to my 12 year old niece how did Brit how did you get given the task she has a mum so we're at a family reunion there was a and there were six of us like my mom and my dad my brother my sister-in-law my niece and we're talking about my egg freezing process and um I just made a comment about an injection she was like what are you injecting for like what's going on and she's

12 and I sort of looked at my sister Stacey as pleading across the table as if like is this the track we go down do we talk about this now do you want me to and she sort of looked at me went back in a chair put her arms behind her head she goes it's all yours Brit so I started to try to explain so not the not how our babies are made she's across that but I tried I had to start explaining the science behind egg freezing and then embryo freezing and how it's all made that's Big topic. This is because you're going through your second round of egg freezing as well. So, like, she needed to kind of have the context of what's happening.

Well, yeah, she asked me, what are you talking about? Why are you injecting those needles? So I explained it to her. And then she didn't understand how then that would turn into a baby. So I had to then talk about embryos. Anyway, it was like a comedy of errors. I was panicking, but I was trying to act like I'm the grown adult that knows what to do.

I didn't know the language to use. I had these arms, sperm were, like, shooting out everywhere. There were eggs everywhere. where there was a glass of water that was the petri dish. Wow. At one point I think I turned into a gecko because I was like, and then it's frozen in time like a gecko on a wall and I'd like splattered myself on the wall.

Wait, what part of the fertility journey is splattered against a wall? No, that's what I said. I said, and then they freeze it in time and I went like this and I put my hands out and I was like a gecko frozen on a wall because you know how when you walk in and a gecko just stops on the wall? Yeah, I get it. I have never been more confused about fertility in my life. Well, let me just say, it was an absolute hit.

She completely understood she's going to pass her biology class, her sex education class, everything. I nailed it. And I feel like I've walked away and I'm ready for parenthood. Brynn, how old is your niece? She's 12. She thinks that babies are made by geckos. Yeah, she's in a cup of water.

No, no, she's not passing any sort of biology test. The poor kid's more confused than ever. She's going to be terrified of the garden forever. No, it was amazing. Babies are made in glasses of water and there's a gecko that comes along and magically fertilises it. Guys, trust me. Call her.

Call my sister. Ask her how it went. I'm going to call her. Give us her number. That's because this is Stacey, your sister. Your sister. Okay. Yeah, let's call Stacey.

There you go. See what she thinks. You're going to be responsible for the therapy sessions that this poor child's going to have to have. Do you know what? I actually had a lot of confidence, but I didn't actually think we were going to call her, so now I'm picking her up.

Do that. Do that. Let's see what she says. I'm scared. Hello? Hi, Stacey. It's Brit, Laura and Mitch on the pick-up. Hey, Stacey.

It's Brit. Hey, sorry, if you've got a second, I just need you to hopefully back me up. I was just telling the guys about the impromptu sex education, egg freezing, embryo creating talk that I had to give my beautiful little niece on the weekend. I thought it went really well. No, no, don't dig your way out of it. You need to tell Laura and I the truth.

Don't set this up. Stacey, I want to know why, firstly, you entrusted Brit with the birds and the bees conversation. Oh, my God. So there's pinnacle moments in a parent's life, as you would know, Laura, of certain situations that you've got to kind of swallow and just explain to your children. And one of them is the birds and the bees, right?

So thank God that the education system here in Queensland is well ahead of its time. Right. So they can undo the damage. I knew the space we were starting from, so that was great. But Britt, like Britt does, she went off on a bit of a storytelling adventure and tried to make it a little bit PD for my very mature 13-year-old. So she did really well, though, guys.

But I wasn't too sure whether the explanation was set for David Attenborough or if it was actually set for our 13-year-old. Yes. You really took the birds and the bees. I'll definitely give you my side of the story. What I'm hearing there, what I took away from that is, is Brittany is a great storyteller. Thanks, Stace.

Thanks for calling. A great storyteller for a fiction novel. I don't know if you guys do this with your families, but growing up you'd sit around, you know, at the kids' table at Christmases and things like that, and you'd have stories about, like, you know, the crazy aunt or, you know, what grandma did and things like that. And this definitely will be one of those moments

that my daughter will be sitting around at Christmas with her cousins saying, do you remember the time that Aunty Britt told us about all of the birds and the bees and everything. Yeah, I'm going to be that crazy person. You know what? I'm going to own that. I'm going to be the cool auntie. Britt, you're not teaching my kids about this, that's for sure.

To be honest, you taught me quite a bit. I learned a lot, Britt. The gecko. The gecko's a great expert. I'm writing that one down. Thank you, Stacey. Thanks for joining us. Thanks, Stace.

Oh, your poor children. Okay, well, I had the most epic of group text fails this week. Truly horrendous. It happened in a parenting group. and I want to know what are your worst group text fails. All right, that's next on The Pickup, everyone. Look, this week I kicked off the week with possibly the worst group text fail that has ever existed.

Yeah, you told us. I was brought in onto a beautiful group message chat with all of the mums from daycare where they love to exchange pleasantries about their kids, invite other kids to parties. It's a really lovely little group chat and I've been just a fly on the wall in that group chat. And you never, you don't even bite, you don't say hi, you just watch.

I just like to watch because I've not met many of the mums. But I sent a message in that group chat as my very first message, which was a message I was meant to send to you two for content for the radio show all about a woman who farts too much and her husband is angry at her. Great content. We would have jumped at it, right? And that was the very thing.

We did. We covered it on Wednesday. Yeah, we did. It was so predictable. Anyway, it was very, very embarrassing. And I wanted to know what are the truly embarrassing things that you have done in the group text message chain that you have in your WhatsApp.

On 131065, Josie's joining us. Hey, Josie, what happened? What did you do? I was texting my boss in the morning to say that it was too unwell to come to work, but I was also texting my bestie at the same time saying, where can we meet? Can we go, you know, Chadston and go shopping or go to the movie and stuff?

And I got the two texts mixed up and I texted my boss saying, oh, I'm really sick, I'm not coming to work. and then the next text said, well, go see Barbie. Oh, no. What did your boss say? Then she texted me back and said, oh, you're well enough to go see a movie, but you can't come to work. And I said, no, no, no, no, I'm delirious.

I've got a fever. I don't know what I'm saying. She didn't believe me. She didn't believe me at all. So I did actually go into work that day. Oh, that's even more embarrassing. Because then you're not sick. Yeah, she had to face it.

Did you fake it? Did you just go? No, I said I had a temperature and I had stomach cramps and, you know, womanly problems, you know. Oh, it's a good excuse. I would have believed it. All right. Sarah on 131065, what was your fail in the group chat, Sarah Bear?

How are you going? Well, basically I was having a cheeky conversation with my boyfriend and the family group chat was going off on Snapchat and I may have accidentally sent a cheeky photo in the family group chat on Snapchat with my grandparents and my cousins. No, you did not. Who saw it?

Can you say who opened it? My dad opened it within 30 seconds of it being sent. What was the photo? What was being photographed? Maybe a topless photo. Was your face in it? Yeah. So you can't say, I got hacked.

That's who it was. It wasn't me. I got hacked and it was chat GPT. It was someone with beautiful boobies. It's not me. What did your dad say, Sarah? He has not mentioned anything. I removed myself from the family group chat.

I freaked out. This was about five days ago and we have not spoken since. Oh, my God, Sarah. It's so recent. You're going to have to face it at some point. And when you do, let us know. Family dinner on Sunday night, I think. That's gold.