Life Uncut - Guest Ask Uncut: Urzila Carlson Is Back (And She's Not Giving The Ring Back)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura and I'm Keisha and it is my favorite type of Friday. It is our guest Ask Uncut Friday where we invite someone. They're always funny. We have been selective. They're always funny. We invite one of our wonderful guests to come along and unpack your deep, dark and burning questions. And now if you get your Ask Uncut answered on this episode you're actually very lucky because the woman that we have now this is Ursula Carson the comedian the actor extraordinaire also the I think now this is the third episode on the pod number one episode was in April of 2022 that was uh titled Gags Guns and Grenades for anyone who wants to know Ursula's backstory that was her childhood that was pretty

Starting point is 00:00:52 much growing up in South Africa is what that was and then last year we had Ursula on and we did an episode which was titled a tracksuit pants and a puffer jacket movie star which look if you've seen the movie you might get it but also there's so much more she's been a busy busy gal Ursula starred alongside Amy Schumer and Will Fort in the Netflix rom-com Kind of Pregnant which has now surpassed 60 million we can't be sure exactly how many but we stopped counting around 60 million and if that wasn't enough also her tv sketch show Ursula began airing on ABC in Australia and she's currently touring Australia with her new show, Fatty on a Yacht. So welcome to the show, Ursula. It's so nice to have you back. Thank you. Thanks for having me back. Third time. I was wondering if

Starting point is 00:01:33 it's third or fourth. You may as well sign me up. I know. We'll start giving you, I was going to say royalties, but we don't get that either. I was going to say we're 60 million views on Netflix. I don't know if we could afford you. If you can just do an Airbnb ad while we're here, that would be great. Your manager will hate it though. We start all of our guest Ask Uncut episodes by asking what's the pettiest hill that you'll die on well okay I'll tell you something because I travel so much this happens a lot where people are in such a rush and then we're all just meeting at the baggage carousel again it's like why are you pushing why are you literally running over people waiting for the wheelchair access to come so I recently was on a flight from Auckland

Starting point is 00:02:12 to Melbourne and there was a woman who was rude and she was asking everyone because as we line up You know, they always go business class first and then everyone just gets up and starts lining up. That's the rule. It doesn't matter. Why do you want business class first? It's not like business takes off first and the other come five minutes later. Anyway, and honestly, I think economy should board first because we get our own overhead

Starting point is 00:02:34 and in economy, you know, they have more bags to put in the overhead and less space. Anyway, so she's like, I want to see, are you in business? Let me see your ticket. But now the funniest thing is when we actually got on the plane, she was in premium economy, but she was like stirring everyone up. She was vetting other people's tickets to see if they were business and she was in premium. And she wasn't.

Starting point is 00:02:56 Girl, step down. Step down. It's like, so I, but that irritates the shit out of me, entitlement. So anyway, I'm in business. So, you know, they always stop. But on this plane, there was a business premium, like an extra, like a first class kind of scenario. so they were letting those people out first but also there were two people in wheelchairs so there

Starting point is 00:03:17 was a little air hostess waiting in front of me but that's the rule they go first right and then this woman had pushed through premium economy through business and she was now right behind me and she tapped me on my shoulder she goes you can go but she didn't see the little air hostess in front of me and this is where the petty kicks in I looked at her and I did not leave even when the air hostess i stood my ground and when she got so frustrated because people started going between the chairs to leave that way but when she did it then i walked out just out of spite and i just sort of yeah tried to stay in front of her the whole time like if you're going to be an asshole i'm going to out asshole you every time i do this on the road if someone's driving really fast i

Starting point is 00:04:03 purposely slow down but then change lanes as they're trying to change lane just like i know it's dangerous and I don't do it when I've got kids in the car but I'm like you fucking drive in my arsehole and then it'll be your fault like that's my one time where I turn into like an angry petty woman yelling out the window at people but you have a very similar petty hill to Brit unfortunately she's not here hers is around the baggage carousel where everyone swarms the baggage carousel and they stand so close and they can't even see their bag and then you can't get in there to get yours i feel like airports are full of petty hills i get in there i get in there and then i take my bag because you know like you see people try and lift it don't try and lift it

Starting point is 00:04:42 make the bag work with you hold on to the handle and just the momentum will sort of lift it off the belt like if you just hold on to it it'll come but then if someone is right up your ass you just pick it and swing and take them out like you're just kneecapping people with a bag yeah But I cannot, and I have to tell you this, this is also super petty and I don't know. So I was with someone and she kept fucking cheating. You know, one of those people who cannot not cheat. How many times? I don't even know, you know, like just heaps, heaps of times.

Starting point is 00:05:21 And she had a friend and they would host swingers parties, which I only later found out every time when I was out of the country. it was just wild but then she would be super controlling like if every time when I'm on the road she would video call me and if I don't immediately take the video call then there'd be a lot of shit like just like that like super jealous and who's with you in the room I'm like bitch I'm not even in the mood for you let alone someone else healthy so then she yeah no she then proposed with a diamond that a mother gave her years ago and then when we broke up I didn't give the ring back oh you know you're supposed to because it's a contractual obligation that you didn't follow through with so legally if she took you to court she could still get the diamond of

Starting point is 00:06:08 her dead grandma she can't I want her to spend the money to get the ring I am not giving that ring imagine that newspaper article Ursula Carlson's taken to court she won't give the ring back no she would just keep cheating cheating and then gaslight me like I would literally catch her red-handed like or you know she'd get some disease or whatever and I'm like well I know it's not from me oh no you know so I just got to so when we broke up but then oh maybe we won't but it's like she was such a gold digger too like she would go Ursula you're the one that ended up with the diamonds so let's not go pointing fingers while playing business no but Now, listen, but I'm telling you now, she got way more out of the relationship financially.

Starting point is 00:07:00 And I'm like, I don't give a shit, mate. I'm keeping the ring. You can have the ring. I'll replace the diamonds. You know what I find fascinating about this, though? Like, we, I mean, we talk about relationships all the time on the podcast, but usually we are talking about heterosexual relationships and men being the ones who are out, like, cheating and you know the deceit and the levels of it and the affairs and you often hear about

Starting point is 00:07:24 like people who you know i hate the term for it but it's like later in life lesbian like i'm done with dating men and like i'm now exploring my sexuality i haven't heard as much of like women having the same sex relationships and just experiencing the same level of fuckery that we're out here doing in heterosexual relationships whenever i listen to this and people go you know I understand why lesbians I'm like you think women do not have problems women are assholes like if you're gonna if you're gonna die an asshole you're gonna die an asshole it doesn't matter if they sit or stand and piss you're gonna get cheaters are gonna cheat regardless of their gender honestly people are just wild I feel like women are smarter at covering the tracks

Starting point is 00:08:06 I'm not projecting I just think that they're I feel like two steps ahead more than what men do i wouldn't be surprised if there was actually quite an even split in terms of like who cheats i just think that women get caught less maybe i think so because because even now we're saying like women don't get like in any relationship if it's male female people and he's probably the one more likely to cheat but i don't think that's true i think it's a even split and i think you'd be foolish if you think you know your partner isn't cheating you know but the thing is like I've never cheated in my life but then I also go maybe maybe I will in the future you know I'm adding it to the bucket list never say never it must be fun because everyone's doing it

Starting point is 00:08:56 you know what don't rule things out in life you never know where you'll end up honestly you know what I think the only reason I would never even consider cheating is because I just don't have the the energy for the admin yeah you know I just feel like there must be so much work going into it and the lies and I even said to my ex-wife I go you know this ex of mine with the ring one she used to keep going someone's there you're cheating on me you're cheating on me even when I was filming in New York she'd ring me five o'clock in the morning and I'm like what's happening and she goes why are you so tired I'm like because it's five o'clock in the morning and she's like is it because someone's there i'm like no but and then she goes i like in all the

Starting point is 00:09:40 years my ex and i were together she goes i never thought for a second you'd change because i know it's also the ones that are doing it themselves that are usually the most paranoid because they're so aware of the behavior i remember and the last episode we did you did speak because the very first episode we did at the end of that episode you'd mentioned that you were going through separation and divorce but it wasn't public yet and then the last time we chatted it was just off the back of you doing your comedy tour and a part of that was talking about the realities of your life and like the fact that you'd been going through the separation the divorce how has dating been for you now like is it something like do you enjoy it is it just as

Starting point is 00:10:19 hard as what it's always been like what does it look like for you you know what after that breakup with a diamond girl I've been so protective not to date like I do not want to date anyone and I know there's been a few you know like there's even been a girl that I'm really good friends with and she'd visit and I can tell she's sending me very strong signals not just the signals she's even said and I just went no thanks I am not dating I do not want to date I I'm gonna wait till my kids are old enough to not care because at the moment they they 13 and 9 and I'm like you know what I've dated and like it's easy to find someone today that's not the problem but it's not good quality yeah but not that I'm saying I am top shelf but at least you know I'm clean

Starting point is 00:11:10 i'm solvent at least your business class that's right that's right um but when i told them that i'd broken up with the last one they both jumped up we were just sitting in the lounge playing jenga and they both jumped up and started dancing around the coffee table wow that's huge and i thought i thought you know what i'm not doing that again i'm not bringing someone new into the house I would rather just it be us for now and also I'm so busy you know touring and making tv shows and just living my absolute best life I'm just I'm taking the kids away for school holidays every year in July it's great I'm having such a good time and I've got a group of friends and we've just started a whatsapp group called single life friends and there's a couple of gay guys in there

Starting point is 00:12:01 And then after a holiday, we were talking and the one friend realized that some people in the group were having intercourse. They were having sex, not with each other, with other people. And she's like, hey, Mon, I thought we're single-loved friends. I go, yeah, no, he doesn't say celibate. We're not celibate. I'm not a nun. The answer, I mean, it is such, and I don't want to be like, it's an honorable, it's not that. It's just, it is so considerate as a mom to see that your kids have been through something

Starting point is 00:12:33 that they also found challenging. Like it's a relationship that you've opted into. It's your relationship, but it deeply affects your children when you're co-parenting and you're dating again and to see their reaction and to take that reaction of, okay, I don't want them to experience that again. I don't want them to experience joy because the relationship ended because they disliked it so much and to actually do that. That honestly shocked me.

Starting point is 00:12:56 yeah I mean I kind of know like I've dated and just not introduced those people to my children but then because I mean we've been separated since 2018 you know so it's been a few years but the ones that I have introduced the kids have enjoyed you know their company and I've sort of not said that we're dating just that we're friends and kind of seeing how it goes because I'm like unless I'm going to marry someone I'm not telling the kids that we're in a relationship but then the last one they knew because you had the ring I had the ring but then when I saw how happy they were and they never really talked about her which I thought what is happening why it's so quiet about her like she was fine with him she wasn't overly warm or cool or you know she was very neutral

Starting point is 00:13:41 which is also all right she didn't try to parent them which I like but then when we broke up and they were that happy and like they obviously didn't feel like they could say anything to me and they didn't hate her they were just happy that she wasn't there anymore and when I saw their joy I'm like I made the right decision here yeah for sure well look we have got you here to answer some very important life of questions how would you say your advice giving is if you were to rate your advice giving listen team out of team team out of team great all right well strap on in I've got question number one. My parents got divorced around five years ago. And since then, my dad has been very active in the dating scene. He had a girlfriend for about three years, but it was very

Starting point is 00:14:28 on again, off again. And every time they broke up, my sisters and I would have to hear all about it. So we grew to really dislike her. They've been broken up fully for about a year now, and he's currently dating three other women, which my sisters and I find a bit questionable, But he seems to think it's totally fine because none of them are his quote-unquote girlfriend yet. He's been seeing the longest one for about three months now. We just worked out that he's also now seeing his ex-girlfriend from accidentally looking at a message on his iPad. All right, going in there looking at dad stuff. He's currently lying to us when he sees her because he knows that we don't like her.

Starting point is 00:15:05 We all live with him, so it's a bit hard to avoid this whole situation. But we just feel like he's not really respecting any of these women. and we've met several of them now when he brings them home. Do you think that we should speak to him about it? We have already tried by asking him when is he going to choose someone and he just tells us that he doesn't know yet. But now with his ex in the mix as well, we feel as though he is being incredibly untruthful

Starting point is 00:15:29 and it's all becoming very uncomfortable for us. Do you think it's best for us to just leave him as he is a grown six-year-old man or should there be some intervention in this? No, stay out of his business. just enjoy the tea what are you doing this is the drama you should you would pay good money like if this was on TikTok you would go oh where does it start a part four part five part six honestly you and your sisters need to start gossiping but shut your hole around your dad

Starting point is 00:15:59 and also I think once you've been through a divorce or you've been like and he's obviously on again off again he's not ready to commit and I'm sure these ladies know they would have been through the same thing you know like you know as a woman you know when someone's not like can I leave some shit at your house absolutely not you go I'm not the only one you know you know or when you get there there's a little that sistema tub comes out and out comes your cardigan and your toothbrush and there's eight other ones in the garage and your labels yeah like honestly like he's an adult they're adults and just stay out of his business you know let him have fun he's been married he's made these kids now it's time for some fun I also don't

Starting point is 00:16:48 think that you can parent your parent I actually like I don't know how that's going to be received he's going to be like okay maybe it's the complication of him bringing home different women and introducing them to you and that kind of starts to get a bit icky when you're like okay well last week it was Susan now it's Mary and like dad maybe there's that conversation which is like maybe play the away game dad like we don't want to meet your girlfriends that aren't your girlfriends. No but then it's like when you have a teenager you can't sort of shame them because he's already feeling shame that's why he's not telling them about seeing the ex again he's not comfortable to open up to them. No but do you think that's shame though or do you think

Starting point is 00:17:25 it's one of those situations you know when you have told your best friend all the shit that your boyfriend did or ex did and you're like he did this and he did and it's like so bad and it's so like you can't forgive them and then all of a sudden you're like you wheel them back out and you're like hey that's shame because you're ashamed you're technically you're like oh god I can't believe I'm doing this and now I'm expecting them to be good people again but no I would say how many are there three I think there's three kids right so one of you there's three girlfriends three girlfriends plus the I know how many children does this man have how many kids right she just said sisters my sisters so there's at least three that's two so three yeah

Starting point is 00:18:05 so one of you need to be bad cop and two needs to be good cop and then the bad cop just needs to hammer him and the other two's like listen honestly forget about her you do you but then sort of get all the tea i'm more about the tea and let the dad live his life i feel like they're in a unique situation where they you know the bachelor's gone out of production in australia you've got your own happening in your own house get some red roses get some of osha's hair and you're on yeah you'll be a tiktok sensation if it upsets you that much just start calling the woman by the other woman's name and go sorry i guess i'm confused there's so many of you and if you do that once and then if your dad asks up about it when she leaves go what the

Starting point is 00:18:47 hell and you go listen next someone comes 100 bucks and i'll keep quiet extort blackmail this is brilliant i also think like i mean i know that we have a standard for ourselves when we're like you're in your 20s or you're in your 30s and you're dating you're trying to find like the one because you want to get married you want to have kids like like you say he's done those hard yards you also don't know how honest he's been around how open like he might have said to these women it might be casual he's a six-year-old man but it doesn't mean it's not casual for everyone i'm trusting her that it's possible he has an my only thing that i reckon you could play him at his own game is if you bring home three guys introduce them all to him

Starting point is 00:19:27 and then see what he has to say about it and the second he starts saying that you've got too many boyfriends that's when you can call him a hypocrite no i think like you say like especially now it's so different back in the day he was probably in his 20s having those kids that are now judging the shit out of him you don't know you know also if it bothers you move out totally they're probably in their 20s there's no doubt he's in his 60s they're mid-20s like get leave your dad alone yeah he wants you to move out that's why he's bringing the women home he's sending a very clear message get a job and get out go flag with your sisters gosh all right we'll go into question two my neighbor has had a dog for about a year that barks constantly I'm talking all day while

Starting point is 00:20:16 she's at work sometimes through the night as well I tried to talk to her twice and both times she was really lovely but nothing changed eventually I reported it to the council what I didn't expect was how seriously they would take it I've just found out through a different neighbor that she's actually been fined by the council I didn't even know that that was possible but I've since googled it and it is I'm not sure if I'm the only one to complain but I'm assuming based on the fact that she got fined that I am not I see her at the letterbox she waves and she's really lovely and now I feel like I want to die the dog has been a lot quieter since but I feel like such an arsehole our neighbor who told me about the fine also told me that she's not in a very good financial

Starting point is 00:20:56 position and the fine was about $800 do I come clean do I try and somehow anonymously help her pay this fine well I never come clean she's your neighbor unless you're ready to move do not come claim because she's got to be feral if you want to help just put it anonymously in her letterbox you know she goes to the letterbox but my mom has an annoying dog and she also has Alzheimer's so she doesn't know the dog's fucking annoying so I bought one of those things it's like it's a little button that you push and you don't need to put a collar or anything on the dog it's and you can't hear it it's like a dog whistle and they advertise it all over the socials you just press the button and the dog whistle and the dog sort of gets a fright and it stops their barking and i have

Starting point is 00:21:47 trained that dog in less than a week to shut her gob because she was she's she's yo big just a little you know like 15 centimeters high but that voice cuts through your soul when she barks it's hard and you just press that and people have complained and no it's multiple complaints before they give you the fine but now that dog has stopped barking so if you have a problem dog neighbor just get one of those things it's worth the money it's worth the money i'm telling you now but also the fact that the dog is now quieter just means there was a solution and she didn't come up with it so bitch gotta pay i agree also with the dog whistle thing do you have to keep using it every time or does it train them to not do it so now when the dog trains to not so i was

Starting point is 00:22:32 On the second bark, you just squeeze it and then the dog. And now, whenever the dog sees me, she just goes in a crate. She's like, oh, that's the one with the dog. She's fucking terrified of you. Yeah. But no, my mum goes, oh, she stopped barking in the middle of the night. Yeah, because now she knows something's going to come. So she'll give one bark and then she starts looking around.

Starting point is 00:22:54 Because I tried it with the second bark, I pressed the thing. So you've just got to stay near the dog for about four days while you're training it. So second bark you press and then it stops. Does your mum live near you? Are you very close with her? Or have you handed this little button thing off to a neighbour? No, no, she does. She lives just two suburbs over.

Starting point is 00:23:12 So I live in one suburb. My sister's in the next one. My mum is in the third one. How do you manage her going through her Alzheimer's diagnosis? This is obviously a bit off pace, but Alzheimer's and dementia is very big in my family. And we've had a lot of relatives be affected by it. and I always find it it's incredibly hard and I find it fascinating to speak to other people who are in the midst of going through it as well yeah well can I just say I don't know if you're like me

Starting point is 00:23:39 whenever I forget why am I in this room that night I don't sleep I'm like fuck have I got it same but also so mum's early onset and you know you can see the progression but she still lives in her own house she can't cook or drive but she never really could and so she like it is hard and I go either my sister myself or my best friend who's also my assistant goes and sees her every day like we alternate right but as soon as she got diagnosed we got in touch with Dementia New Zealand and I know there's a Dementia Australia yeah there is yeah and so if you work with them they have so many tips and such great advice and so she goes to art class because she's an artist so she goes to art class with other Alzheimer's patients she goes to this she does activities like

Starting point is 00:24:28 every Wednesday she goes for two hours to art class on Thursdays they do coloring in at a different thing like and they've got like social groups where they all get together and cognitive behavioral stuff and it's just incredible the services that there's out there for people with alzheimer's and we're lucky and their mom has such a good support group and she's part of a church and then they come and visit her there's one lady from the church who comes and mows her lawn even though i said we'll get a lawn service but then this lady goes your mom doesn't like when they come because she doesn't know them yeah so they come these ladies from church from her women's group come and mow her lawns and it's like then they just sit there so the the community that

Starting point is 00:25:12 we've built around her is so incredible and that makes it a hell of a lot easier yeah yeah I mean my experience was a little bit different where my especially my nan she was really defensive about being diagnosed and so she shut down to any help or like acceptance of it and it makes it impossible because the world just gets smaller and smaller but that's I mean that's incredible to hear that your mom has not just you but like she has the framework around her as well yeah she was almost relieved when she got because she I have to say she was a dementia nurse for many years wow and so when she got diagnosed she said she goes I've got it I know I've got it and I'm like nah I think it's just because you know it's like when you read in the paper or something about

Starting point is 00:25:55 like if the the measles outbreak or prostate cancer you're like I've got this it's like you don't have prostate cancer you know you pick up on the symptoms and I'm like it's probably that like you're projecting it onto yourself but then when she got the diagnosis she was so relieved she's like now I know what's wrong with me she immediately surrendered her car keys and go I'm never driving again that's amazing which is a hard thing for dementia patients so like a lot of my friends whose parents have dementia still drive and it just scares the shit out of me to think we're out on the roads here with people who don't know where they're going unsure of what's going on and just you know it explains a lot about the merging but anyway so it was so easy for us

Starting point is 00:26:41 because she was really good at accepting it which was amazing I'm so glad that that has been your experience because I know that there is such a mixed bag with like family members and also the you know the fear and the worry about how or whether you know you're going to be genetically disposed to it like I've spoken to a lot of people over the years because as I said it's been something that it pretty much everyone on my mom's side gets it so it's like coming for us all but yeah I think that it's so nice to hear of an experience that is framed in such a positive way yeah because my uncle died from it at 55 oh wow and on my dad's side so we've we've got coming out you both I said to my brother and my sister we're fucked you know like um I said thank god we're not

Starting point is 00:27:24 using all of our brains now we're saving it for later but um yeah no and he hid it he because we reckon he would have had it from mid-40s yeah and he tried to hide it and he would like he ran his business into the ground and then remortgaged the house and but no one knew because they did things like you know sort of old school where everything was in his name so his wife had no idea and then eventually he just got to a point where even my mum and this is years ago where she's like he's definitely got it get him tested and then yeah he had it but it was so far gone that the medication didn't help because they've got medication they can slow down the progression but when they're so resistant they're like I don't have it and they fight it then you can't get the

Starting point is 00:28:09 medication on board and it doesn't slow it down which is so frustrating well look let's get into the rest of these questions because we have two more for you next question when I first started dating my boyfriend, I was in that stage where you want to seem like the best version of yourself, the most put together version of yourself. He mentioned that he loves morning, early walks, coffee, sunrise, the whole shebang. Now I'm a person who considers 9am incredibly aggressive, but I told him that I'm also a morning person. I don't know why I said it just came out of my mouth. I was trying to impress him. That was 18 months ago. We've now moved in together and my alarm goes off at 5 45 every fucking morning and I hate it I feel as though it started because they

Starting point is 00:28:50 actually wanted to become someone that I'm not but after 18 months of this I think I've realized that I'm just not into it can I tell him the truth do I admit this I know it might sound like I'm insane but I'm genuinely worried that he might not see me in a way and see our future together because I'm simply not the person he thinks I am no tell him tell him immediately tell him today put this on and let him listen to it and you know what chances are because he goes fuck i've got nothing interesting i'm not a reader i don't think you know how people go so what are you into what's the last book you read marathons the last thing they told me in high school to read is the last thing i read i you know and then you go fuck now you're gonna make some shit up he's probably made

Starting point is 00:29:33 it up and he's waiting for you he's like fuck i don't know how long i can keep this shit going i need to lie in no you're gonna age yourself people who wait don't get enough sleep you're just worrying about this you're getting wrinkles you don't deserve tell them just go you know what next time your alarm goes off turn it off and turn to him and go you're on your own this is in your mind is what it is and i am not doing this shit for another minute make me a coffee when you get back and then just turn around and sleep do you know what i'm curious about how the branding of the morning person became so aspirational like it's morally people who are morning people think they're better than us that's the thing my sister's a morning person she's up at 5 a.m she's

Starting point is 00:30:14 done pilates before i've even gotten up i wake up with my kids whatever time my kids wake up that's when we all get up together we're dazed we're confused we're all fucking trying to get clothes on like i'm yelling them to put shoes on like it's we do it all in the chaos together but then there's some families that are like no i must get up shower and get myself ready before my children and wake up and I know that they're in the military they're better than me they are better than us my phone told me the other day I don't know if you guys know this in apple it's got something that's like your normal chronotype your bedtime and mine was 11 52 that was my average bedtime and I was like that's not no now that you're um you're an aura ring girly

Starting point is 00:30:55 okay it has your chronotype and mine says very late morning person that's that's all it says that's me summarize and i would agree i am i don't start no cylinders are a fiery you know so what so you got up at six and you've done yoga and the kids have pancakes on the table by 7 15 and ever but you're knackered by four totally you're in bed by 8 p.m yeah you're angry and irritable because you got up too early do you get angry and irritable no eight o'clock you're like what snacks have we got we don't get irritable it's so true i'm happy 11 30 i'm still awake sometimes yeah to be fair though for the person who has written this in i do think that this is something that you have to be relatively compatible against because there is no resentment

Starting point is 00:31:46 that will build faster than if you're a night owl and your partner is a morning person and you want to sleep in the same bed it's fine if you're comfortable sleeping in separate rooms that is often why my partner and I have our own bedrooms because I don't want to get up when his alarm goes off but like every single time if you're in an incompatible morning or night person relationship I feel like it's just such a recipe for disaster no I disagree Matt is a morning exerciser he'll get up and I happily sleep can you go back to sleep fine I will sleep through anything I'd sleep through this podcast if you let me I will sleep through it all now no I think you get used to it you get used to it it's like yeah no you don't it's like you know people go you must be

Starting point is 00:32:31 on the same a friend of mine just go I just need to get my wife to like golf so she can come golf with me I'm like don't do that don't let their passions interfere with yours because then they need to have their own ship because if they have the same as you then they're always up your ass no you want to be on different sleep schedules with different hobbies and just go how was your week on a Sunday. That's how it works. Take it from a divorce. I was three engagement rings. That's how it works. You're like collecting Superbowl rings. All right. Last question. Okay. Last question. Hi ladies. So I'm eight months pregnant at the moment. I think it was when we were trying for a baby. My partner said once or twice that he

Starting point is 00:33:16 was concerned that I wouldn't have time or love for him when a baby came. I guess it's a valid concern and obviously relationships are impacted by children. I love my partner to bits and of course I'm going to show him just as much love and give him just as much time as I can but this made me feel a bit icky. It made me feel like his mother or something and it's a bit weird now. Now I'm concerned that when the baby comes if he communicates these things again I won't know how to respond. Like maybe it's pregnancy, maybe I'm being a bit of a bitch but I kind of just want to tell him to piss off and that I'm not his mother. Anyway please tell me if I'm being hormonal, Or if there's a good way to respond without feeling like I'm consoling a second child.

Starting point is 00:33:57 Yeah, I think she nailed that. I think she should just start talking about, if someone asks, is this your first? You go, no, second. This is my first baby. Because he's acting like a fucking baby. I'm skinning you, not going to love you. I'm not a cunt. Jesus Christ.

Starting point is 00:34:14 It's not like she made this baby by herself. She didn't knock that kid in there. You did. It's like, it's both of you. Bitch, you better be busy loving this kid too. You're going to be too busy to be this needy little bitch. Christ on a boy. Imagine you being a relationship therapist.

Starting point is 00:34:31 I've just signed up to go to Ursula Carson. I got called a needy little bitch. I feel like you wouldn't need an hour appointment. You'd need three minutes. Can you imagine? I'm like, I will save you so much money. And I do have that couch here in my office. I am ready.

Starting point is 00:34:46 These are some people who need to come. and I'm like, you're a little bitch. Hey, you need to harden the fuck up. Give them the three-minute spiel but bill them for the hour, I reckon. I think that's where you should learn. I've got a brand name, Harden Up. I think the problem with this is that when you are, especially if this is your first baby, you are so in the trenches

Starting point is 00:35:09 that the last thing, and obviously you want to still give your partner love. The relationship's important. Of course you're not deprioritizing it to a place where it doesn't exist. But you don't need the pre-pressure of them being like, I'm so worried that you're not going to have time for me. I need more, more, more, more, more. You need them to step up being supportive and being like, hey, I know this is going to be hard.

Starting point is 00:35:29 I know that we're not going to have as much time for us. I know that there's going to be a period where probably things are not as prioritized. And I'm with you through that. Like, I'm with you. It's not the pressure of like, but what about me? Because all that does is like, you're touched out from breastfeeding and babies. And then at the end of the day, you're like, oh, come here. I love you as well.

Starting point is 00:35:49 You know, if it makes an obligation, you know? Yeah. It's really hard. I actually feel for you and I understand why it gave you. I understand why he's got concerns, but I also understand why it's giving you the ick. No, just ick. No concern. It's just ick.

Starting point is 00:36:02 This dude needs to fucking step it up a bit. This sounds very much like stepdad. It's either stepdad or the real dad. This feels like, you know, when he's giving ex-partner. Yeah, it does. and you know like oh oh my god I remember when I'd come back off tour like I'd be away for three weeks and then as soon as I'm back and then I'll be home for less than 12 hours and she goes you know you've made no time for us I'm like no I haven't because I have two children who are my

Starting point is 00:36:30 priority first and once I have reconnected with them then we can go on a date night I'm not going on a date night in the first 48 hours I'm reconnecting with my kids I'm making sure that they are happy and that they are settled then it's you and me but don't fucking come with your what about me what about you go get a book when your children were born Ursula and laws this is for you as well because I've obviously never been through it did you feel that real shift in like obviously you're not going to have as much time but did you feel as though you had a little bit of pressure on you in your relationship or was it just because your partner didn't actually put that pressure on you no there was no pressure we were like you say we were just both in the

Starting point is 00:37:12 trenches we're like because I think you know they say that first six weeks of a baby's load is the hardest and it's not because the baby is hard work because the baby sleeps for most of it the hardest is you and your partner realize this is forever you know and there's no escape this is your life now and I remember and I mean I love my kids you know like more than anything but that first week I remember us just looking at each other at like three o'clock in the morning just looking at each other no sleep yet and just having I knew we were both having the thought of what have we done oh it's so hard we had such a good good life what have we done but then after that six weeks when you're in this you're like what do we do with our kids like how much free time did we

Starting point is 00:38:00 have I know I was saying on episode a couple weeks ago we Matt and I for the very first time every in our nine years of relationship but also like sorry eight years of being parents seven years molly's seven seven years of being parents we went on our very first two nights away and like it was 6 20 and we were like hey you want to go out for dinner and we just walked out the door and we were at a restaurant and like we have little kids so it's like an incomprehensible thing to just make a decision to leave the house and then leave the house like everything takes so much time and I was like what did we do before we had all the admin of children like we fuck we must have talked or something I don't know we had sex a lot more that's for sure we don't do that as much

Starting point is 00:38:40 anymore but also just the food that you eat now you go oh I'd love to go try this Mexican I know kids okay it's Italian or sushi that's that's all we've been eating for 13 years Italian or sushi That's it. I can't wait to get to a point where I'm like, I need spicy food back. You're never seeing an Indian restaurant again until your kids have moved out of home. That's right. We're on butter chicken, if any.

Starting point is 00:39:08 And mild, mild, mild. I hear you. I think that answering the question on my side, Keish, different because if you have a partner who gets in the trenches with you, they're not being like, well, what about me? You know what I mean? They're not another burden. They get it.

Starting point is 00:39:22 They get it. and they're not like there's never been a time in the relationship hence why i have three children with matt where he's been like like you give too much time to the baby and not enough time to me like he's never said those words and i would not even know how to process it if he did i'd be so mad because i'm like yeah cool i'm up every night with this baby i am doing my absolute best and you can see that so if you need more from me right now you just have to take a break like sit down it's not going to be like this forever but this period of intensity is really intense and we do it together it's not me doing it and then give you love as well you know yeah I don't want to like

Starting point is 00:39:59 come down too hard on your partner but sorry this kind of is coming down on them it's particularly gross to me that this has happened before it's actually happened you're still pregnant like he's almost he's whining in anticipation of something that may or may not happen and that is likely to happen it's like he's almost whining and complaining about it and and like you're growing a baby i don't know i i think i'm just going back to ursula's advice you came you came in very strong so normally we're very meted with our advice we're usually like you know i it's understand he has concerns and and i fuck him whatever's happening with him is his mother's fault anyway but also can i just say to bring

Starting point is 00:40:39 this shit up when you're eight months which is technically when you're at your most uncomfortable yeah and he brings this shit up then i mean the fact that he doesn't you know have a fucking butter knife in his forehead is a miracle he can be very glad you yeah he can be very glad he chose you and you chose him or he would have been a grave danger if he fucking popped that she's obviously not south african or this email would never have reached you god my cheeks always hurt after speaking with Ursula well Ursula Carlson that is it from us we adore you thank you so much for coming for another rodeo on the podcast thank you what is next on the cards for you hopefully season two of Ursula and then touring Fatty on a Yacht

Starting point is 00:41:27 which can I just applaud you for saying it a lot of people who interview me go say the name of your show because i don't want to stop it talk me through the process of coming up with that name because obviously people like you can't joke about things and so and then here we are like and if it's an uncomfortable thing for people to say yeah why did you put yacht in there yeah why are we calling it a yacht well because i talk and like my shows it's storytelling and i always say i don't do preview shows i don't because it's just i talk about shit that has happened in the last year and that's it so I was on a yacht last year so I wrote a show about it this fatty was on a yacht

Starting point is 00:42:07 and just all the misunderstandings miscommunication all that and it was so funny I went to support a friend and honestly it was just a disaster for her more than for me I had a great time so yeah I wrote a show about it and I did 12 shows in Melbourne and I I love this show so much and people love it so I can't wait to take it all over can I ask for some hints as to what were some of the things that went wrong well for starters because she she just started this is straight people dramas honestly she started dating a new guy and then she said to me and I've been with her you know like if she goes away with this guy so she says this is a new guy so then she rings me the night before and she goes listen I need your help we're going on this guy's dad's

Starting point is 00:42:55 boat and I want you to come with me because you know like what if it gets awkward and we don't the conversation doesn't flow because they haven't spent a shit ton of time together she goes what if the conversation doesn't flow and now is I'm stuck in the ocean with this guy I need you to come because I can talk to a stick for four and a half hours and I'm like yeah mate oh I'm in I'm in say less what time and she goes nine o'clock at the marina I go I'll meet you there so I hang up and immediately started getting my fishing gear ready because I assumed and this is all on me she never said anyway but she just said this guy's dad's boat so I saw we were going on some guy's dad's tinny like just some we're gonna go fishing so I got all my fishing stuff

Starting point is 00:43:39 I dressed accordingly I had my tango shorts the whole thing and then I get there the next yeah honestly and even my own life jacket and I get there the next morning and all these people started arriving like about 20 people and they're all dressed to the nines and they've they're like the one woman had a fascinator in her hair I'm like what the fuck is happening and I see my friend who's dating the guy and she's rocking out in a dress I've never seen her in a dress we've been friends for 18 years never seen her in a dress she's wearing a dress with a hat and I'm like where how big is this tinny and then she goes so she we lock eyes and she's horrified and i'm horrified i'm like yeah what are you wearing and she goes what are you wearing and i go we're going

Starting point is 00:44:24 fishing i've got my rod i've got the esky the whole thing and she goes we're going on that and she points and it's a super yacht not a normal yacht a super yacht that's on her that's on her I'm sorry for not telling you the dress code. That's a stitch up and up. I don't know why you own your own life jacket if you don't have a boat. I talk about it in the show. You only, as a fatty, go once on someone else's tinny without taking your own life jacket. And I said to a friend, I went on his tinny.

Starting point is 00:44:57 I said, do you have a life jacket for me? And he goes, yeah, there's five life jackets on the boat and there's five of us going. I went, sweet. So I got on. I go, where's the life jacket? Because I'm the only one. I like to, I'm a John A citizen, I like to follow the rules, I wear my life jacket the whole time, even though you don't need to, I do, I go, where's the life jacket, and he

Starting point is 00:45:15 pulls out a bluey life jacket that his seven year old son uses, and I had to squeeze my body, and honestly, I couldn't move my arms, none of it, we were scream laughing, and I'm like, I'm buying my own life jacket, so when they had a garage sale two doors down from my house, there was a life jacket, it was pretty moldy, but I bought it, I spritz some bleach on it and I power washed it and that's my life jacket now mate you are a dream you are a dream come to we can't wait to have you back for the fourth round of Ursula Carlson thank you so much for coming and being part of the pod again thank you and links to all of Ursula's shows and everything that she's up to her social media her tv shows will all be in the show notes thanks

Starting point is 00:45:56 again yeah and if you have any other like really deep relationship questions that you want and send her a message and she can send you a voice note and tell you to harden the fuck up or call you were cut one of those things and I will I will I respond to tough love

Life Uncut - Guest Ask Uncut: Urzila Carlson Is Back (And She's Not Giving The Ring Back)

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