Life Uncut - He loves ME... He loves me NOT. TALKING UNREQUITED LOVE

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

Ever loved someone that didn't love you back?! Samesies.It sucks. It's called unrequited love and if you answered no chances are you're telling a fib, or you may still have that heartbreak ahead of you, lucky you! I say this because research says roughly 98% of the population has been on either one or both sides of an unrequited love. Hey, at least you're not alone!The fact is, there will be times when we have strong feelings toward someone, when we imagine a life with them, when we only think about them, obsess over them and are completely preoccupied by them, only to find out that they do not feel the same way about us. This one-sided experience that can leave us feeling really shitty and feeling a lot of pain, grief, embarrassment, rejection and shame. It's shitty and confusing and it sucks. So let's unpack it.Oh, and have you guys seen all this stuff about Celeb spell check? It's juicy and controversial and if you don't know what we are talking about come and get amongst it. If you love the ep you know the drill! Tell your friends and well, anyone else that will listen. Hit subscribe, 5 stars and leave a review if you're feeling extra fancy.And share the love, because, well, we love love. x Follow us on @lifeuncutpodcastSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut, I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura and I'm going to tell you guys that Brittany just showed me a photo of her boyfriend's butt. Oh, he's going to kill you. Jordan. It's a good thing Jordan doesn't listen to this podcast. He actually refuses to listen. Can you just give that some context? Okay. So Brittany just showed me a photo that was sent to Brittany and was not meant to be shared with me. I think the context doesn't make this any better. It was a photo of Jordan taking a photo of himself in the mirror and the reflection was

his butt. So basically, yeah, Brittany just showed me a photo of Jordan's butt for zero reason. There was no context. Okay. I'm going to give you the actual story now. We all know there's three sides the story Laura and the truth Laura was feeling a little bit flat and I said I've got something that'll cheer you up and I turned my phone around and yes and it wasn't a sexy photo it was literally him being cheeky he had a big grin on his face all you could see was a reflection of his butt and he had sent it to me to cheer me up I just thought why not pass the baton and cheer you up with a photo of Jordan's white butt I like that you think that your boyfriend's butt is what's gonna cheer me up also like that you think his butt is so universally cheery that you need to

show every oh you're having a bad day mate here's my boyfriend's butt I'm sorry did you not laugh I might just print it out. Anyway, if you're having a bad day, Brittany will send you Jordan's butt for a dollar. Please no one DM me asking for his butt. I'm not going to do it. But look, I cheered Laura up. We are going to talk about something today that Laura and I have been discussing a lot in private and we were like, why don't we just bring this to the podcast?

Before we do, I have a little bit of personal information for you guys. It's way too much personal information, but that has never stopped me before. And that is that I went for my six week appointment with Lola and we all know, well, I mean, we don't all know but any mothers out there who have had their six-week appointment we all know what that means you had sex and I did the sex and thank god Maddie J does not listen to this podcast either congratulations that's what I'd like to start with on finding your feet again and coming back into the sexy time world trust me it's been a long drought did you use the cock ring or is it like do you need to just ease your way back in uh for anyone who missed the last episode

Brittany got me a cock ring and no, I didn't use it. There was no instrumental play. It was all very safe. I think you've got to start safe and build yourself back up. A lot has happened in the last six weeks. Boring, mainstream missionary sex. That's what you did, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. It was pretty straighty 180. Or did you do the like on the side, sleepy sex? No. And this is getting into too many details now. People have already stopped listening to the episode. We have a great episode for you guys today. We're talking about unrequited love, which you might think it doesn't relate to you but I reckon every single person listening to this podcast has experienced unrequited love at some point in time but I just wanted to update you all on my love life my sex life

Matt's very happy I'm sure that's tied him over for the next month and I'm feeling like I'm back in the game baby no but to be to be serious for a second I think a lot of people don't realize and I didn't know there was a specific time limit on it I think a lot of people don't realize that there is a lot of downtime after you give birth and everyone's different depending on obviously what happens to you during birth and when you can go back to a normal sex life. Well, I actually still have some pent up animosity towards my first midwife. So I am still of the belief that the obstetricians and midwives should not be telling the husband that at the six week mark, you can have sex again, because that sets an unrealistic expectation.

Because Maddie J put a timer on. Literally. It was like injections, Lola just had her vaccines. You know what that means. No, i remember when marley was born at the six week mark i was not healed there was no way in hell that i was physically capable of having sex yet and i think that by the doctor saying to matt oh it's you know you've got to wait six weeks it set an unrealistic precedent like i wasn't able to have sex for like maybe 10 to 12 weeks after having marley i was it was too traumatizing for me to be able to do that also i was like we are never getting pregnant again and then we got pregnant again very, very soon. So this time, I mean, you guys, I shared my birth story with you

all. You already know everything about me anyway. This time was so much less traumatic. The birth was actually a really enjoyable experience. And so everything else has kind of happened a bit faster as well. Well, that's good. Thank you. And do you feel like you're back to normal ground now? Like, do you think that you can just move forward? I mean, things are still a bit weird. It's always a bit strange having sex for the first time after having a baby. Like, I'm not going to lie it's it's a bit like oh does that feel the same for you are you still touching the sides yeah we're good we're good okay thank god is it in yet literally anyway it's gonna happen to me after nine months apart i'm not gonna know what to do you are gonna want to jump his bones i think

the whole having a baby thing is very different add some sleep deprivation in there and lola in the cot next to us it's not the same mood trust me okay so the thing that britney wanted to bring up as a conversation before I divulge my sex life to you all is something that has been making the rounds in social media. It's also been making the rounds in actual media and you have probably already heard about it, but that is Celebrity Spellcheck and the fact that they have just recently deleted their entire account. So if you guys aren't across what Celeb Spellcheck is, it's an Instagram account. We've spoken about it on the podcast before. Hey, I've even been on Celeb Spellcheck before. Congratulations. Yeah, thank you. That was a great time. As being

added as an idiot influencer, basically Celeb Spellcheck, it's an Instagram account that is run by an anonymous person. And the purpose of Celeb Spellcheck since its inception has kind of been to hold influencers accountable for their silly, stupid, ignorant, whatever it is behavior. It started out as just holding influencers accountable for their bad spelling and everyone would kind of have a laugh. And it was a bit self-deprecating and a bit funny. And over the last couple of months, as interest has grown in Celeb Spellcheck, as they have gained more and more followers, and as it's gained more media attention and more interest, the types of things that Celeb Spellcheck has chosen to post has become more and more controversial and more and more pushing the

boundaries. Actually, I'm going to say it's actually even become criminal. So recently, as of about a week ago, there was a video that was posted of Lorena Fleur, who was from The bachelor allegedly doing a line of cocaine at a party and I think that's when this started to really kick off the conversation around where is the line between what is acceptable and does the crime fit the punishment that that person is receiving yeah and I guess if you haven't heard of celeb spellcheck you must be living under a rock right now because I feel like where the fuck you been even if you don't follow them on the gram they're everywhere right now they're in every news article and every social media account is talking about them and all the influences are

posting about them. So I feel like you can't escape Celeb Spellcheck right now. And just to give you an example of how innocently it would start off, it was literally people that couldn't put a sentence together structurally or forgot words or made a grammatical error or made a spelling mistake. And it was actually really just funny. Most of the celebrities and influencers were just laughing at themselves, being like, oh my God, I can't believe I said that. And it was actually just very entertaining. I used to love it. I don't love it anymore. But I guess this is why we wanted to have this conversation. There is a lot to it, but we want to nut it out a little bit because there are a lot of feelings here. And firstly, Britt and I have slightly different

opinions on celeb spellcheck. I mean, mine is kind of starting to merge more into the Brittany's feelings because this is what happens. We've just morphed into the same person. You know what it is? We have conversations and Laura and I will always have really open conversations. And if we don't agree on something, that's okay. But often we talk about something so much that one of us will start to see the other person's side and be like, you know what? I'm I feel that too. And that happens a lot. Yeah. And I guess like I have always found celeb spellcheck really funny. And for the last couple of months, Brit's been really strongly against it and thinks that it's a very negative and toxic environment. And I just want

to like obviously clear the air here, people. We are very, very hyper aware that we are influencers. This is not news to us. We know that we come to this conversation from a very unique perspective and also a biased perspective. We're not ignorant to that. So in no way are we here to be like, oh, defend the influencers. They must be protected. Because we also think influencers need to be held accountable. I do think it is really important. And I say this as somebody who works in the industry that we work in. I do think it's really important that influencers are held to social accountability and responsibility. And I guess like the celebrity spellcheck has kind of turned into this social media vigilante to make sure that influencers are not doing the

wrong thing. I think that there is some heightened accountability when it comes to influencers. is because they are our modern day role models. Now, I'm not saying that I believe in cancel culture. I think that cancel culture is incredibly toxic. I don't think that we should be putting people on blast. I do think that we should have the same level of empathy and understanding for small transgressions and mistakes that influencers make.

Because like, let's face it, everybody is human and we are all going to fuck up at some point or another. However, there are people that we follow and who we look up to for advice. we look up to them as though it's a referral from a friend when it comes to a product or it comes to a lifestyle. We look at their lives and we go, oh, I trust them and their opinion and what they're selling. So, you know, when people who are influencers are running around and touting COVID restrictions and they're breaking the law, I do think that there is an aspect of that where

I don't feel sorry for them when they're held to accountability for it. And that's what Celeb spellcheck started to do however the comment section was a brutal brutal fucking place and it got really nasty and it got really trolly and i know that the person who is the celeb spellcheck person i don't know who that person is but i know that they tried to moderate those comments but the job of moderating the trolling became too big and i think when you have a community that you've cultivated where the ethos is to be nasty and it takes all your time to moderate that nastiness then you haven't really created a very nice culture no and look the reason we're having this discussion now is because the anonymous account holder of celeb spellcheck she did

recently her account in the last six months grew exponentially the followers and the engagement grew exponentially she has taken the account down now she's just i guess archived it i get the feeling that she can bring that back when she wants to but it does say that there is no post to show but it looks blank right now and then pedestrian called her out and pedestrian said oh we think she must be being sued by someone why else would you take your account down whoever it is that runs celeb spellcheck them taking the account down coincided with two really big posts one of them being the lorena post that i just mentioned and another one being a post with beck judd where she had posted some clothing that she was given obviously as an influencer she's

been given clothing to support her friend's label and then the very next day that clothing has turned up in st vinnie's next door and you know the person who was behind the label i actually can't remember the name off the top of my head. They said, it's so disappointing that the launch of our label and the launch of this collection has been overshadowed by what was supposed to be a good intention post to spread awareness has been overshadowed by the fact that it's been, you know, what Celeb Spellcheck has posted. It has completely taken away from the launch of our label and completely taken away from what Bec Judd was trying to do, which was to raise awareness. Totally. And then in the case of Lorena Fleur's post, just to go into a little bit more detail

there Lorena was from The Bachelor she was at a party recently in the last few weeks very private intimate party that looks like it was just at a friend's house and then not that many people there she was seen allegedly doing a line of coke she then just proceeds to dance and have a good time it's pretty obvious that someone in this party has gone to the extreme of getting this video footage and either sending it in or I don't know how they've gone into celeb spellcheck but this by no means and this is where my problem is because I do feel like influencers need to be held accountable we are role models and this is not me being biased or sticking up for influencers I would speak like this and have these feelings about Bob from down the road it doesn't matter

to me who it is it's just that it's a human being that is being completely targeted and the only intent behind the post is to embarrass and humiliate and cause toxic destructive behavior towards the person that's being posted about this is where I get the problem Lorena didn't put this out there and didn't encourage people to do drugs on her page she allegedly did something in the privacy of her own home. I'm not condoning drugs at all. But my point I'm trying to get across is she's not going out and advocating this to her followers. She's not trying to lead them astray. But Celeb Spellcheck has gone out of their way to humiliate her. And the fact is that when you do have any sort of a following, when you post something like that, you're essentially setting

your followers, i.e. your army on that person because you know that they're going to go and follow your opinion and follow your post. In the case of Lorena and Bec Judd, neither of them had any ill intention and neither of them put anything negative out and didn't influence their audience in a negative way whatsoever but this account has gone out of their way to literally humiliate them and it could be detrimental to them on so many levels their digital footprint their future work opportunities their social circle on so many levels and the fact is it was unnecessary this would I would have different feelings if they were putting it out to the audience being like go do drugs I'd be like you know what call them out that shit behavior you shouldn't be encouraging

that but that has absolutely not happened and I guess that's where my feelings I'm quite disappointed in the account now because if you ever go and read any of the comments that's a whole nother issue the people that are commenting and the bullying and the negativity and the toxicity it's unnecessary it's uncalled for and I'm just gobsmacked that we're still having and encouraging these accounts yeah I guess the real issue is like when you create a community which is what celeb spellcheck is it's creating community when that community is based on making fun of people and it enables trolling and it enables bullying, that there becomes the problem, right? That there becomes the conversation is like, why do you get off on making people feel

bad? And yes, they may be influencers and yes, you know what? Sometimes I think we feel like, oh, like fucking influencers, they deserve this, but they're still real people and they are still people who have real feelings. And in the case of Lorena Fleur and having a video of her doing a line of coke that is absolutely humiliating and it's incriminating like it's breaking the fucking law for starters it is like you said part of her digital footprint now that she'll never be able to get rid of if you google Lorena Flo it's going to come up with that as like the top article the thing that's really interesting that we wanted to talk about in regards to Celeb Spellcheck taking down her entire account and putting up this statement is that in the statement she says that

she's taking some time out and I say she we don't know if it's a she but they're taking some time out to re-evaluate what they want to do with the account, what the purpose is, and whether or not they want to monetize the account. A few influencers and celebrities, I guess you can say, have called out bullshit on that statement because essentially what Celeb Spellcheck is saying that she is considering is she's considering monetizing the account. So wouldn't that in essence then also make her an influencer and make her be the subject of who she's holding accountable? So you can't hate on something and then want to be it at the same time. I have nothing against anyone that wants to make money from their account at all. I just find it very contradictory that you have

spent the last year and a half paying out these exact people and like giving them a really hard time and making them the laughingstock and then deciding that you want to be like that. That's where my issue lies. Obviously, we have no issue with people monetizing their accounts. The issue that we have about Celeb Spellcheck wanting to move into that sort of field and using her account as a way of an income and turning it into an occupation is the fact that because of her anonymity and because of the fact that she has remained anonymous, it means that she will not be held to the same standard that she holds all other influencers to, even though she will be an influencer herself. And that seems really unfair in the grand scheme of things. Because she literally

will have no accountability because there's no one to hold her accountable because no one knows who to hold accountable. So not only is she going into the realm of people that she has made the subject of her humiliation, but now she can make an income without any repercussions. So the fact is she can't and won't be held to the same standard. But look, my main issue with this account is the fact that it has a cause and effect and the cause and effect is online bullying. That's it. And Laura and I actually did an episode a long time ago, I think back in season one on jesse nelson on the uk she released a documentary that was all about what happened to her what she went through with online bullying and the people that thought they had a right to judge her and

comment on her life and if you guys are interested in that documentary i highly recommend it also in that episode very good go back and have a listen yeah go look and go listen to the episode season one jesse nelson so i feel so passionately about bullying and online bullying and i have been like this since i was a small child like nothing infuriates me more than seeing schoolyard bullies and people online that think it's okay to embarrass people for no reason. And also, you know, this is something that we've spoken about before, but like everyone's tolerance to bullying is different. Like, you know, when I was on Celeb Spellcheck and there was a post about me, there were

a lot of negative comments. It didn't touch the sides. Like, I'm okay. It doesn't affect me. However, for some people, it's not the case. Some influencers are only used to getting praise. They're not used to having that backlash. And so it is a hard thing to kind of stomach.

and it is very all exposing because what you have to remember is we all make mistakes. Love Celeb Spellcheck to make a spelling mistake one day. But we all make mistakes, you know, and the problem is, is that when you have a huge audience, however big your audience is, you make it on that massive platform. And so your mistakes follow you

and your mistakes are amplified. Whereas if you don't have a massive audience, you're allowed to make that mistake in relative secrecy. I don't think this is the last that we've heard of Celeb Spellcheck. So like watch this space. we'll probably talk about it a little bit more but it does create a big conversation like you said Britt around online bullying and around why are we so so obsessed with tall poppy syndrome

and dragging people down like why do we want to cut people off at knees and not build each other up exactly and I think the account of Celeb Spellcheck did say that they're reassessing how they want to come back and what direction they want the account to go but I think maybe she's taking a back seat and she's thinking far out maybe did I go too far with this I'm not against them if they go back to their roots. Go back to what it was. Pay us out for the odd spelling mistake. Pay us out for the grammatical error. Whatever you want, but just don't make it to the point that it's going to affect someone's mental health and their literal future. Amen. All right, guys, let's get into some more uplifting content. And that is our favorite

part of every single episode, Accidentally Unfiltered. Now, for those of you who have just joined us and don't know what Accidentally Unfiltered is, Accidentally Unfiltered is your most embarrassing moments. That moment in life when things have just gone terribly, terribly wrong and we read out your most embarrassing stories and we all laugh at you together. I'm gonna kick start it. It's so funny. My best friend and I were out and met two really cute guys. So typically they came back to our place and you know things were going swimmingly. I was in my room with one and she was in the lounge room with the other. All of a sudden she runs into my room and asked for a condom and some lube.

I quickly just point to my set of drawers with all the essentials in it. Now, this is still in the dark, and I was like, grab it and get out. She accidentally picked up my fake tan. Because it was dark, she proceeded to drunkenly rub a lot of fake tan on her special new man and herself. Now, let me tell you, I'm talking orange hands, belly, thighs, vaginas, and penises. The guy was very unimpressed with his oompa loompa dick in the morning.

but was it like the pump one what i don't know like the foam because what lube comes out as foam no it would have to have been like a cream based one like it had to be like a jelly based one like there's plenty of different options that you can get but also she's proper drunk or she didn't self tan has a very distinctive smell that we're all very aware of it's like kind of coconutty kind of weirdly acidic that is a lot but imagine him imagine his white body she would put a lot on there and it would have been like very well rubbed in this is an orange dish okay so i had a situation definitely different to this i didn't use fade tan as lube but i fade tan for the very first time in like months i left the house you looked amazing thank you we went and did something

together and i left the house and i thought i'm gonna put some fake tan on didn't really think it through and had to breastfeed lola and woke up in the morning and her face was dead hang on you put it on you and the poor thing really the poor thing had fake tan in her mouth i know i'm a Terrible mom. You can all judge me. I did wipe my nipples. I wiped my nipples thinking that'll be enough. But you don't think that the whole face like presses against you? But half her face was orange. That's actually so funny. Were her little lips orange or were they? Yeah, just like a little squished half face with little like white wrinkles around her eyes because that bit didn't get touched. You're actually the worst. I've got to tell that

owner. Anyways, there's my Accelion filter for you. Okay, guys, I have one for you and I love this. So we never get Accelion filters from guys. So that's why this is also so special. I had a few beers last night and I was feeling good. I took a photo of myself in a towel with a little bit of a hard-on and I was planning on sending it to a chick I know. I hope that this was solicited, just FYI. I got distracted while searching through Facebook and I came across my friend's mum's photos of her selling a trailer.

I sent her a message and asked her, hey, why are you selling that trailer? Because he was interested in buying it, I'm going to guess. As I was also at the same time talking to this girl who I was going to send the photo to. So anyway, I went and I sent the photo of me in a towel to the girl. A little while later, I thought, that's weird, I haven't heard back from her. So I went to check if she'd seen my awesome photo in her phone,

only to realise that I'd sent a photo of me with a bit of a hard-on in a towel to my friend's mum. Swap your trailer for this. So I've needed to confess to my friend. Not only did I need to call my friend's mum, but I also needed to confess to my friend that I had just sent her a sexy photo. this actually reminds me of another story we had written in I had actually forgotten about until right now but this lady has two poodles and she's like I needed to find a dog washer so I googled local dog washer got a woman's number and texted her hey trying to wash my two poodles can you

quote me on that the lady wrote back yep that's 140 dollars in response she accidentally just sent her a sexy bikini photo so it's almost like hey so how about I don't pay 120 dollars and you just come around and see this. She didn't realize as well. She went about a day and she went to look back at what she had written back and she was like, oh my God. And she just wrote to her. She's like, I'm so sorry. I think you figured out that wasn't for you. And she didn't get a dog's wash by then. Guys, if you have any embarrassing stories, please keep sending them through and make sure that you put accidentally unfiltered at the top. So it makes it easy for us to find and we can bring you some stellar stories for next week's episode. Okay. Let's get into the

big meaty chat we want to talk today about that feeling when you love someone so much sometimes they know you love them sometimes they don't know you exist it's when you have feelings and when you have feelings for someone that are not reciprocated it has a term and it is called unrequited love i think and actually i know because i did the research statistics say that at least 98% of us will feel unrequited love at some point. And we're going to feel that rejection and that uncertainty and that sadness. So we want to talk about it today. And also, I think I'm going to just jump in. I don't know what you're going to say next, but I'm going to jump in with this. I think unrequited love changes throughout our years. For example, I think when we're really

young, we're probably more inclined to have unrequited love for a celebrity or for somebody who we're never going to meet because we create this fabricated idea of who they are and we're, you know, in love with seeing them on the TV, whatever. And it's not accessible. It's so out of the realm of possibility that it's wildly crazy. And it's always cute. It is cute because I think it's very juvenile, right?

But we've all experienced that. We've all had that type of unrequited love. Immature, unaccessible love. I was so in love with Zach Hansen, guys. Like, so in love. I was backstreet boys. No. Yeah, pro backstreet.

Well, there's more of them as well. more possibility that it could come into fruition statistics say there's more chance oh i was like disgustingly in love i even had zach hansen t-shirts that i wore to dreamland it's a whole thing we don't need to unpack that i still i need therapy for it so unrequited love i think it changes as we grow so you know maybe you have been in love with someone maybe you've been in love with your best friend for example i think this is going to be a topic that a lot of people are going to relate to on either end of the spectrum maybe you've had a best friend who was in love with you and you didn't reciprocate that. Or maybe you were in love with your best friend. Maybe you

had that conversation. It ended up great. You're now together and all happy. Maybe you had that conversation and absolutely was not mutual. And then there's also unrequited love where maybe you're in a long-term relationship and your partner turns around and says to you, I don't love you anymore. And that is also a definition of unrequited love. It is when you love someone for a sustained and prolonged period of time and that love is not returned and not mutual. in respect to what you just said about you think that it changes with time 100 it does and that it is worse when you're young this study that i read by bringle in 2013 she really did do a research i did but it reiterates and it says that high school students and college students are four times more

likely to engage in unrequited love than reciprocal love you have a far far far four times more chance of anyone loving you back but do you also know what i think that is i also think that that is because we are so fucking frightened of rejection the younger that you are the more that rejection is scary because it's not something you've necessarily experienced the older you get the more rejection you faced and the less it is so scary well you love harder when you're younger too do you think i still think you love just as hard when you're older it's just different i think you love easier and like you think of your first love there's a reason you know the first cut is the deepest kat stevens love him there's a reason that everyone says you know you don't ever love

anyone quite like your first love and like I agree you can love someone just as much but I think there's something different with when you're a teenager in your early 20s I think the love is far more all-consuming and you haven't experienced the heartbreak yet so I feel like everything's 10 times worse when you're young I don't know if I agree only because of my own personal experience that's okay yeah only because of my own personal experience I think of like when I was first in love and then what love is to me now and I almost feel silly for how in love I thought I was like I look back on my first relationship and like my first relationship was reciprocated it wasn't like it was an unrequited love but I compare that to the relationship I have now and I think

how silly I was to think that that was as big as it could be so I guess like that's where that comparison to me has never really rung true but I can totally understand that for a lot of people your first is the most magical it's the first time you've experienced something so it is the most impressionable that you're ever going to be but back to the topic that we're talking about today. Well, have you ever experienced unrequited love? And if so, in what capacity? Like, did you stalk someone or did they know you felt that way? Apart from Zach Hansen? Yeah, I absolutely have. Look, I mean, I have been on both sides of the fence. I, in university, my best friend was a guy and we spent all our time together. We did everything together. And he came to me after

years of us being friends and said, I'm in love with you. I need to tell you that I'm in love with you. And at the time it wasn't reciprocated. It confused me. I felt super confused by him telling me that. And when he told me that, I thought maybe we could be good together and maybe we should be together. And it was a very confusing time, but it definitely wasn't reciprocated. I didn't feel the way he felt. I wanted to will myself into feeling that way because I was like, I know that you're such a great guy, but obviously there was something missing for me there. Had you ever imagined it, felt anything? Were you even remotely interested in hooking up with him before he told you these feelings like was there ever anything from your

side no but it was when he had said those words that I was like maybe and also we've all know I've spoken about this loads like I'm a I have been in the past a very codependent person like I have needed to be in a relationship to feel safe and stable and I think that it fed that feeling I was like oh this is a guy who is safe and stable and he's telling me he loves me maybe I can fit a triangle into a square maybe I can make this work absolutely but he didn't tick the boxes you know and I think that's paper yeah boxes on paper and that's the thing with unrequited love right like you might think that someone's perfect for you but the reason why that person doesn't want you back is because they're not perfect for you they see something lacking or they seem to see something

missing that you don't see um the other experience I had was a very long-term relationship and he turned around after so many years and said I don't want to be with you anymore and I don't love you anymore. And that was definitely the hardest being in love with someone and feeling like they had instantly changed their mind where I know now, like they didn't instantly change their mind. It was a lot of things that led to their decision. They just hadn't communicated that decision with me. They were falling out of love with me and they were changing as a person. And by the end of that relationship, they didn't want me anymore. And I think that is probably the hardest to get over because you're not getting over something that you've never had. You're getting over

something that has changed and that's so hard what about you Brittany unrequited love give me your experiences oh look I've had a few experiences with it too I've had experiences where I don't know if I could actually say there was proper love but like when I was younger I would really want to be with people that wouldn't want me back but I wouldn't put that in the category of unrequited love I think that's just a normal level of rejection I have had friends that came to me like you also and said that they love me but looking back now that was a really awkward time because I felt nothing for them they were friends I used to surf with because I was such a tomboy so I spent all my time with these guys I look back now and I think that it probably wasn't even love

on their behalf I think it was just like that young infatuation but the only one real experience I have had with it was a different kind of situation I was and I have mentioned him on the podcast a few times. He was the one that I went to New York for, who I thought I would be with forever at the time. He was someone that led me on for, must be over two years. We were in a form of relationship. It was never on his end of relationship, but we did everything like we were in a relationship. We hung out all the time. I had met his family. I met his friends, really good friends with his friends. And I'm talking for a long time to the point where I was done in my mind I was like this is my person this is who I want to be with and he could never commit he had

feelings for me he wanted to be around me but he never actually wanted to be in a relationship with me he would let me go just far enough until he would pull me back and he would just like bread crumb me you know that idea of keeping you around for reasons like compliments saying they need you saying they want you physical affection but they don't actually ever commit now this went on for years to the point that I told him I was like I love you like I am in love with you I'm head over heels with you. And he just said to me, I'm so sorry, but I don't feel that back. I was like, how have you kept me here for over two years? And he made me fly to New York. There's another aspect we want to talk about in this, and that's miscommunication and misunderstanding and

fabricating and fantasies and making things up in your head. That is definitely one aspect of unrequited love. But for me, I didn't mistake anything because he was telling me these things because he needed this validation and this love and this physical affection, but that's all he needed he was just trying to make himself feel better well I think that this plays into I don't know if anybody has heard the term cognitive dissonance and that's basically like the psychological discomfort which is experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory values so basically it's like when someone's giving you mixed signals right and that's why this whole idea of like hot and cold behavior works so well in keeping us hooked because it

causes this psychological agony as we try to figure out what's true so him being like I want you. I don't want you. I want you. I don't want you. That just reaffirms something in your mind that you start looking for every little clue that he does. Every time he holds your hand, you're like, oh, he's got feelings for me. He likes me. Every time he puts two kisses at the end of a text, you start reading into the small things that they do. Whereas like we talk about this all the time. If someone likes you, it shouldn't be obscure. You know that they like you. They're not giving you small little breadcrumbs of information. If they're giving you breadcrumbs of information, then they're just doing that to keep you around. If you're confused, there's a reason why you're

confused absolutely but people do this because you know they're getting something from you as well they're getting validation they're getting attention they're getting affection it doesn't always mean it's because they love you or they're reciprocating your level of feelings back one of the things i really wanted to talk about in this episode and something that i think is so important is that i really think that we completely romanticize this idea of unrequited love and i'm gonna bring up an example from movie that we've all seen and that's love actually when love that film fucking love that has some issues but i really have a point of contention with it when i can't remember the guy's name but when he holds up the signs to kira knightley so he

for anyone who doesn't know there's like one male character in the movie who's completely in love with his best friend's wife guys if you do not know love actually i know whatever please go and watch it but basically it's the scene where he shows up at his best friend's house and kira Knightley answers the door and he tells her that he's in love with her by holding these signs up and you know her husband's inside her husband is literally around the corner and he is proclaiming his love for her and everyone watches that scene and goes oh my god like your heart breaks for him it's so beautiful it's such a romantic scene but then we've been lulled into this sense of feeling like that's super romantic and a really like beautiful thing to do but I now especially after

we've done so much research for this podcast. I look at that scene and I think how effing selfish of that guy to go behind his best friend's back and prioritize his own personal feelings by proclaiming his love for his friend's wife. I was like, there's so much betrayal in that because what he's done in that instance is gone. My feelings are more important than anybody else and anything else. And so I'm going to potentially ruin that relationship because my feelings matter. i get that intense feeling of him wanting to share his feelings because he loved her so much but i do agree that it's quite selfish and that had the prospect of completely ruining the three the relationship between the three of them like it could have been completely explosive i'm actually

just thinking back and i'm just dying on the inside because you just remind me with this with this person and i just said that i had this unrequited love with the one that i just loved I did that oh god I did I fucking did that I literally wrote on cards and I I'm dying I forgot I ever did it why because I loved him and I'm an idiot I didn't do it as in like he had a girlfriend and I went to steal him I just did the scene where I was like trying to be cute and wrote all these things on a card and I videoed it and then he was like lol still don't love you back I can't believe I did that I can't believe I've obviously buried it because I'm so mortified, but you just made me realize that. And you know

what? I don't have any regrets. I live my best life and I live my truth. And we're here to bring out those repressed trauma and the memories on podcast that you guys can all live it with us. The reason why I bring up this conversation around love actually is because it lends itself to a greater conversation of if you're in love with your best friend, should you always tell them? I think this is a really sticky question. We get a lot in our Ask Uncut sections, right? Where someone's like, I've had feelings for my friend and I don't know how to tell them, or should I tell them? And I think that it's very, very dependent on the situation, right? Whether or not you should go down the path of telling your friend that you've got feelings for them.

If there is a good chance that they like you back and you're getting all of the indications from them and it's just a communication thing that like, okay, clearly one of us needs to make the move, then yes, absolutely tell them. If your friend's in a relationship with someone else and they're happy and you are being pining over them, absolutely not. Like this is not something that you should take on yourself to then proclaim your feelings. Cause all that does is just create so much trauma for your relationship with your friend and also the relationship that your friend has with their partner. Totally. You need to think about that shit before you go and do anything dramatic. We all say that you're, you should marry your best friend. We've all heard that before,

but you definitely need to be very, very, very careful and very thought out with when you tell them, why you tell them and how you tell them. Like Loretta said, if they're happy, leave them alone. If you think there's any chance that it could completely ruin your friendship, you need to take that into account. But if you think with your whole heart that they could be your penguin and that you think that they could have feelings back, then I am an advocate for only if they're single telling them. I don't think you should put your life on hold and wait for anyone because you could be waiting for nothing. You could be waiting for a fantasy and this idea of this relationship that is completely fabricated because you've never experienced it. You don't know what it

could be like the reason you have the infatuation is because in your imagination this person is perfect for you they match you in every single way you've dreamt of the life you'd have together but the fact of the matter is until you've experienced that that's not real yeah and I guess that that's like the big take-home message about unrequited love is that more often than not yes the feeling is real yes the feeling of being in love is real but the person that you're in love with is not real because you've never actually had those experiences with them you don't know who they are and like what the relationship would be like. And so we can kind of build something up to be bigger and greater in our heads than what it could actually

be in real life. Like it could be completely dysfunctional and absolutely not work as a relationship in real life. We can romanticize unrequited love. We can romanticize one-sided love. But at the end of the day, by constantly putting yourself in a situation where it is not being reciprocated, it does really lend itself to having low self-esteem and low self-worth. You want to be with someone who is freaking crazy about you. You want to be with someone who doesn't make you question your worthiness. You want to be with someone who prioritizes you and doesn't keep you pining. Not someone who barely knows that you exist or doesn't see you in a romantic way. You know, someone who sees you just as a friend or kind of puts you on the

sidelines. That's such a recipe for so much pain. And all that's going to do is stop you from meeting someone and being with someone who is absolutely crazy about you. One other aspect of unrequited love that I wanted to look at, and this happened to me in the past as well and it's quite a common one and that is the obsession and the idea of this perfect relationship and this insanely consuming love with an ex so your ex-partner you break up and then all of a sudden you've convinced yourself that your head over heels in love with them when if you put yourself back in a situation quite often it wasn't right and this is quite common because it's a feeling of safety and it's a feeling of what you know and it's human nature

to want to fight for something and someone when they don't want you it's almost like a lot of us feel like we need to prove it to ourselves i know i've been like that in the past and i said this with mark manson's episode last week when someone used to say to me that i want to be with me i'd almost be like take it as a personal challenge i'm like sorry excuse me what challenge accepted i will change your mind and you will marry me even when i don't want to be with them or i don't have the feelings if they don't have the feeling to me i'm like uh why like i i would just take that as a challenge to be like well i'll make you like me which is ridiculous because you like laura just said you want to be with someone that's like I just bloody love you like exactly how you are

for all your weirdness I think this idea kind of lends itself to this concept of like a scarcity mindset and we've talked about this but I don't think we've ever actually labeled it a scarcity mindset before when you're like fearful that there's no one else out there when you think that finding your perfect match is scarce you know or when you think that there is only one person for you like the one then you're gonna latch yourself and attach yourself to whoever it is that you've decided. Do you know what I mean? Like you become then so fearful of missing out on time with that person or them finding someone else or the loss of that person because you can't fathom or see yourself with somebody else. Like this scarcity mindset makes us fixate on one

person. Whereas if you are dating and you're in an abundance mindset, you're like, there's so many fish in the sea, which of course we know like dating is hard, but you know, there is more than one person for each person. There are plenty of people who you could date and be really, really happy with. But when you fixate and think there's only one person, that is when you start compromising your standards. Well, the other thing is you can start to become obsessive with something without even knowing. It's like such a gradual thing that's happening internally that you don't even know. You don't even know the little signs that you're doing. But I don't know if you, Laura, I've done this before. I've never been obsessed with someone to the point I've

stalked them ever, but I just want to reiterate that. And like, I don't know how I feel about this either way because I reckon I probably have. I've been so crazy in past relationships. I'm gonna say that i've probably definitely shown up at places hoping that a guy would be there that's my point but we've all we've all subtly done that shit like i mean i'm not showing up at their house and like hiding in their cupboard no but this is my point i'm for this i will advocate and i will say when people say what do i do if i like him i'll say you know what if he's gonna be somewhere on the weekend go turn up run into him i think that's fine when it starts to get more obsessive that like you're literally planning your whole life around them these are the signs that you

actually need to check yourself and say okay this probably isn't healthy if they're not returning it and I'm still determined to turn up every place that he is. But I read a really interesting article that I wanted to talk about for the fact that this feeling, the obsession, the hurt, the pain, it can literally happen to anyone. It can happen without you knowing. So there was this article that I found once I was in the depths of unrequited love and it was a very well-renowned female astronaut in America. Her name was Lisa Nowak. She went to space, she did a mission and she was married she was a completely normal woman she went to space and she started to develop feelings for another astronaut they hooked up and they had like a space fling it was out of this

world literally they got back down and he went on with his life and he ended up dating another person that worked at nasa she developed an obsession and she was a very intelligent very normal living in normal life and she developed this this obsession to the point that she would constantly call him and message him and she said because she's written a book on about it now I've listened to podcasts on her she's she's really interesting and she developed this obsession where she drove 900 miles she got in a car and drove 900 miles in a diaper so she could I know I've read this before have you yeah so that she didn't have to I thought that's where this was going because she didn't want to stop to piss didn't want to stop made that as some dedication

Dude, she didn't want to stop to poo or wee. So she wore a diaper. Or change her mind. The funniest thing is this story, like the main point and the thing that actually threw this story really into the media was the fact that she wore the diaper. It wasn't what she did. It was the diaper. But she drove to this woman's house, not to her love interest house, to the woman's house.

They didn't even know each other. She drove there with the intention of kidnap and murder. In her car, she had gloves on. She had ropes. She had tasers. She had everything that you needed to commit a crime. and it's very lucky for this other woman that she got away but the point of the story is and the point that all the articles I was reading was saying is that these things can happen to like

the most normal person this developing of an infatuation and obsession isn't necessarily just on you it can be a result of the person that might be breadcrumbing you in the situation that you're in it can be I mean like yeah she's Laura's looking at me I was like guys I know you're listening to this and thinking I'm never gonna drive in 900 kilometers in a dive how to fucking kill someone and that's not what we're saying I don't think that that situation can happen to anyone that's a very unique individual it's very unique but the point I was trying to make and the reason I got into that story is that like these sort of feelings whilst that's an extreme example and I only told it because I thought it was quite funny these feelings can happen to anyone but the

idea is you're supposed to recognize the signs and I think we can recognize this we can talk about recognizing the signs now. How do you know? Well, I mean, you'd think it's easy. Like if someone doesn't love you back, they don't love you back, but sometimes you're telling yourself a different story. But also, I mean, that's the whole thing with unrequited love, right? Like it's maddening. It is maddening to love someone so much who doesn't love you back. And I listened to a really good episode on unrequited love with Matthew Hussey. And he talks about this idea of only choose people who also love you. I know that sounds really simple, right? I had this conversation with Matt and I was like, you know, I like this idea. I like this idea that you should

only choose people who love you back and Matt was like that's not something that you have agency over he was like totally he's like sometimes you love someone and he's like like with you Laura he's like I fell in love with you he's like I would have fallen in love with you whether you love me or not and I was like yes but we were both in it we were both building deeper connections we were both getting to know each other we were both watering that seed of love you know and it was reciprocated I think the the comment here is don't put all your energy and time and love into someone who is not reciprocating anything back to you. And I love this romantic idea that Matthew Hussey has said

because I have heard him say it before. He's like, if they don't like you, don't like them. But I'm probably with old Matty J here. And I think because I've done it, I've been in this relationship where like, I wish I wasn't in love with him, but I loved him and he just didn't love me. And he literally said like, I wish I could love you.

He's like, I want to love you. This is what he said. I want to love you because you're perfect on paper, but I just don't. And there's nothing I could have done to extract myself from that situation. and I think what Matthew Hussey says when he's like only pick people that you know are going to love you back he means go back to the basics don't pick someone that's married don't even

entertain the idea don't pick someone that's emotionally or physically unavailable to you he's just saying weed out the basics and really get back to the foundations of okay let's be realistic who is available for me to pursue and yeah and totally and it's like if you have been going down that rabbit hole of putting your time and energy into someone and they're not reciprocating whether they're married or not married whatever but if you're not being met with the love and mutual respect and everything else that goes into what you need to have a healthy relationship don't keep on pursuing it do you know i mean don't keep going down that rabbit hole hoping that something changes because you can keep on trying thinking i maybe i'm going to change their mind maybe today

is the day that they're going to turn around and love me and so much time can be wasted and so much more pain can be caused well this leads us to recognizing the patterns and why we do it and how to stop. So recognizing the patterns is a big one. If you continuously do this, I did this for a very long time. I only picked someone and everyone in my life told me I only picked people that were emotionally or physically unavailable. Like, and I mean, literally living on the other side of the world. That's who I'd be like, I love this person. My sister would be like, you don't, you think you like them because you know, they're unavailable. This is a wild red flag when your partner's just gone overseas for nine months. No, I love him dearly, but I'm saying I didn't

recognize it at the time but when I'm talking about recognizing patterns when I stopped and my sister made me check myself my best friend Renee was like you're like you're only interested in people that you know aren't available and I used to say no that's not true until I realized you know what that is actually true I was purposely picking people going down these rabbit holes that I knew would not end up for me because internally I wasn't ready for a relationship and I didn't actually want it and it scared the shit out of me yeah and I think that when you start to do the work on yourself, that's when you start to see the patterns in your relationships. When you're having these cyclical dating cycles and you're like, hey, I keep going for the same

type of man and having the same type of outcome. The only common factor and denominator in that situation is yourself. And that's when you kind of have to go, okay, what can I change so that the next time I meet someone, it's not the same thing. And maybe it's that the next time you meet someone, they are the same type of person. They're doing the same type of thing. And you just don't get in so deep and you recognize that they're not good for you before you do do we think unrequited love is a waste of time I don't think it is I think if you're putting your life on hold for someone for 10 years while they're married and you're waiting for them to fall in love with you yeah monumental waste of time you've wasted 10 years of your time you need to get back into

reality but for me for example Laura's like do you think your two years was a waste of time with that guy and I don't because I still gained something from the situation I left a better person. I had grown so much. I had realized so much, but I also enjoyed my time with him because it wasn't like I was obsessing and stalking someone that didn't want to be with me. We still had a level of a relationship. So I think that's also part of dating. You are 100% going to feel something for someone that doesn't feel something for you back. I think it's really important not to leave with a negative mindset. Take something positive from every single experience, learn from it, recognize patterns, and you'll move forward more successfully. Nobody likes rejection. There

was a study that was done in 2011 that showed that rejection stimulates the same part of the brain as physical pain so when we are rejected we feel physical pain from that and you know there are people that completely will avoid rejection by never putting themselves into a situation where they can be rejected and by doing that you're only going to miss out on opportunities but then there's also people who won't accept rejection so it's not that they don't get rejected it's when somebody keeps on saying to them I'm not interested in you in their actions or in their behavior they want to change them and that's exactly what you have done in your relationship there and that's exactly what I have done before where I'm like cool I know that you what you're physically doing

and what you're saying is a soft rejection but I'm not hearing that and I'm not accepting that so I think sometimes we need to be aware of that as well like is someone showing you in their actions that they're just not that into you you have to think about the fact that two people who care about each other they meet halfway the emotional intelligence the physical touch that you give each other the effort that you put in the communication it's equal if you are the only one that's ever reaching out that's ever initiating any contact that's ever initiating physical touch whether that's sex holding hands kiss any sort of affection if this is all you you're probably not on the same playing field and these are the things that only you can look at and recognize and you do

have to have a level of emotional intelligence and a level of realism to be able to look at yourself and say okay and look at the situation maybe realistically I need to accept that he's not meeting me halfway because any healthy relationship will be even I do think as well like one of the hardest things to overcome with this idea of unrequited love and loving someone who doesn't love you back is that you essentially still have to go through a breakup you essentially still have to go through all the pain of a breakup without the validation that you had a relationship they might not even know you're breaking up yeah you don't they don't even know that you're in a relationship in your own mind but the feelings are the same as a breakup and the effects are the same

and the process is the same you know what you can't still spend every day with them if they're your friend and you've decided okay i need to compartmentalize this and i need to be able to start to get over it you can't see them every day you can't do the same thing every day and expect to start to feel differently and you know we've always advocated for this idea of like going cold turkey and having some like no contact time away from them. If they're your friend and you haven't been able to have a conversation or you know that they're not interested in you, you know that it's completely one-sided. Maybe you don't want to go completely cold turkey without giving them an explanation but I do think you need to start to distance yourself and give yourself time and

leeway to be able to mourn what it was that you thought you were going to have or what it was that you wish you had with that person so that you can start to rebuild a new and very different relationship because otherwise you're just doing yourself such a disservice and you're literally punishing yourself every fucking time you're with them because you're like hey in your head going I love you and you don't love me like that's what's going to be replaying on repeat in your head give yourself space invest in yourself heal yourself do things that are new and exciting find new hobbies and then finally and only finally when you start to heal only when you're comfortable again on your own and happy on your own do we advise that you go looking for another relationship

All right, guys, we never end an episode without our suck and our sweet, our highlight and our lowlight, the best and the worst, the best and the shittest part of the week. Laura, I know you everyone knows you have a suck this week. I do. Usually I get to this part of the episode and I'm like, I don't know my suck and my sweet is, but I know my suck is this week. I made a massive mistake across social media. I it was a huge misunderstanding. I know a lot of you guys are going to know what I'm referring to, but I had an incident where I made a comment on a doll in Kmart and it was a really unkind comment about this doll. I had no idea of the context of what this doll stood for. You know, I had no awareness of the branding or the meaning behind it. Otherwise

I would never in my life make such a fucking rude comment. And it turned out that the doll was an inclusivity doll so I have spent the last couple of days just in bits like I'm I'm so hurt that I'm I'm so disappointed in myself I guess that that just leads me into my suite of the week which is I'm so grateful for this community and I'm so grateful for how supportive and incredible every single person has been I did not receive one comment or anybody putting me on blast for my mistake every single one of you guys genuinely knew that it was a mistake and a misunderstanding and I'm just so grateful for the community that we have created because you guys are actually the freaking best and how much you support Brit and I just means the absolute world to us so that was

my sweet for the week and yeah I know and something that someone said which I really wanted to reiterate just quickly which I think is just so incredibly positive we have this culture now where we like to call people out for things that we think they've done wrong you know like we're very quick to call people out. And this woman messaged me who was part of the podcast group and she said, Hey Laura, I just want to let you know this. She's like, nobody is calling you out. We're calling you in because we know that you would never intentionally do something mean or like there's no malicious intent. However, you know, when we know better, we do better. And so being inclusive and calling people in and explaining a situation to someone will only have

a positive flow and effect and so I love this idea and I love this terminology of instead of calling someone out let's call someone in let's explain to them let's educate and let's like do better so that was my suck and my sweet all molded into the one fucking very shitty situation pretty what is your second sweet that's enough about me and if you don't know what I'm talking about don't google it just let it die yeah let that one go let it go we love you Laura thank you honey um it was a tough few days you know it's been a lot of tears guys a lot of tears my suck guys it's like it's very easy very quick you've seen that Australia's flooding but my hometown Port Macquarie is the worst affected in Australia and like literally it's underwater so a lot of my

friends and family are affected which is really really hard to see my suite is probably the same thing and it's probably seen the community come together and I had viaries in Newcastle messaging me saying if you know anyone specifically we can get to to help we're on our way to Port Macquarie obviously I guess because I have a reach that they were coming to me directly saying give me people give us people's contact and we'll try and get to them if you know they're in dire need and I just thought seeing the community come together to help everyone and people go out of their way it was very very touching that's the one thing that is freaking amazing about Australia like we have freaking copped it in the last couple of years with fires and floods and COVID and

everything but the sense of community when there is a disaster there is such a sense of community here and the fact that people band together and want to help each other it's beautiful is incredible and it's australian and it's very aussie aussie aussie anyway guys on that note we're getting the hell out of here so done for today's episode if you've enjoyed it please leave a review you guys know the drill subscribe tell your friends if you haven't asked uncut for us for thursday's episode please slide on into our dms with that and if you have an accidentally unfiltered story we live for them please send them to us as well and then do all the other stuff which is tell your mom tell your dad tell your friends tell your dog tell your cat just tell

everyone and share the love because we love love