Life Uncut - Here we answer your burning questions for the week

Episode Date: May 20, 2020

Thursdays are always an interesting one here at Ask uncut head quarters! Today we have:One listener that says she hates that her boyfriend always wants to give her a facial, at first we thought “what a great guy!” until we realised his idea of a facial is quite different to ours....To text or not to text, that is the question! Do you chase them or let them come to you? HELP! My friend is going to ask me to be a bridesmaid and I WANT TO SAY NO BUT HOWWWWW!?Tips on dating someone with kids! What’s the best approach!? We dish out our best advice.Thanks for tuning in lovers!If you like having us in your ears and want to make us feel all warm and fuzzy, please hit subscribe, leave a review and share the love, because, well, we love love xSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome to your free therapy session, our Thursday episode of Life Uncut, Ask Uncut. This is where we jump in and answer your dirtiest, deepest, darkest, best, most embarrassing questions and we love it. Dun, dun, dun. We actually super, super do love it. We love that you guys write in your questions. Our inbox is overflowing and we are doing our best to get to you. Every time I clear it, there's immediately another hundred questions, but we actually

love it. We love that you guys trust us enough. You guys are so messed up. Yes, some of you are proper messed up. Cheers to that. No, no, no. But we still love you. We don't mean that.

like we've said so many other times when we've been doing these episodes it's so nice to for us and for us to read the questions and the troubles and the dilemmas that everybody else is facing and just to realize how normal we all are and how we are all sort of dealing with these different ups and downs that life throws at us so say this to Brit almost every week but reading everybody else's problems makes me feel really normal I feel like I have been through the exact same things at different points in my life. That is where our advice comes from. It comes from experience. Yeah. You guys definitely help us just as much as we help you. And we have said that before, but I, I really, really do believe in those words. Okay. Anyway, Laura, for like four

hours, you have been harping on about this story that you've remembered your friend reminded you of and you're dying. You can't even speak to me on the phone. I can't even understand you. Can you bloody tell me what the story is? I know that I share so much on this podcast. It's actually a bit disgusting. Every so often I see articles pop up in daily mail that have rewritten what I've said on this podcast and it reminds me that I probably shouldn't. But anyway, here's another one. So I was talking to a girlfriend from uni and we were talking about the podcast and she said to me, she was like, I can't believe you haven't told that story. And I was like, what story? And she's like, dude, that story. And then it occurred to me that I had suppressed this story in the

deepest, darkest folds of my memory because true trauma should just be put in a box and hide away forever. And we should never talk about it. Definitely not on a national podcast. Straight away she calls me she's like I've got this story I want to tell you but I can't tell you yet I'm gonna read on the podcast but I'm gonna pretend like it's someone that's written in she's like because I don't want to have this to my name and I'm like this better be good yes okay so I was I was planning on pretending like this was a written in accidentally unfiltered but you know what we're just gonna throw it into this episode anyway it's it's quick I feel like we've built it up now too much but god okay bear with me okay so I was at uni and I was

can't be that bad oh it's so embarrassing okay I was at uni and I had just started dating this guy and and like I really liked him things were going really really well and we had gone out this one night and I had gotten very very drunk like very drunk and ended up back at his house I think at the time I thought I was going to get lucky, but I definitely didn't get lucky. I just passed out in his bed. Did your naked body get stuck in the window again? No, although it does have something to do with the window. So I don't remember. I remember going to sleep. I don't remember much after that, except that I woke up in the middle of the night and I really needed to be sick. I was like, oh my God, all I could taste was tequila. And so I ran to the window, which was directly

because so it was a he lived in a university dorm right so like everything is super close to each other the bed is next to the window is like next to the kitchenette area like two by two by two totally tiny so I ran to the window which was right next to the bed and I vomited out the window only to realize that there was a fucking fly screen it wasn't even open there was a shut like a locked fly screen and i vomited into the fly screen did you know that that's what you were doing no well i did as it was happening and then i couldn't stop it from happening and then he woke up and i was vomiting into the fly screen can you just imagine what that's like it's like it's like throwing pasta through a sieve it's exactly the

same Laura I feel like I really should have said this as though this came in from someone else firstly okay I've got a few feelings right now firstly I love that this other story is about a window you've got an affinity to windows secondly I love that you thought this was the worst thing you've ever said because you have said so much worse on this podcast thirdly you just reminded me with a funny story okay so when I was really young um I've just literally thought about this now I was I'm 18 so just start going out and I was with my boyfriend who I I ended up being with him for eight years but I started dating him for six years just to interrupt you I didn't um I didn't end up with this guy for eight years I didn't hear back from him after this so it didn't

really work out for me guys he literally had to scrape the vomit off the window I don't think imagine I think you just have to throw the whole thing out you'd have to do you know what I want to know this is this is what I want for next week's podcast if any of you guys have had a story where something horrific has happened like this like on your first date and you've continued to see the person they've looked past it right in I want to know about it because not a lot of people stay through that yeah like maybe you pissed the bed by accident and then you ended up marrying the guy I want to know about it I want to know okay I'm so sorry continue with the story So I was 18 and I'd been with my boyfriend since I was 16.

I had been out on a bender. You know, when you're new to drinking. Been out on a bender. I was walking down the main street and we were going home and I saw a kebab shop. And you know, everyone loves a kebab when you had been out drinking. And I said to the guy, I was saying, oh, babe, I want a kebab. Did you say it like that? Like that.

Babe, get me a kebab. And he's like, oh, okay. So he got himself a kebab and he got, you know how big a kebab is? I ate it in about 2.2 seconds. I inhaled it. I was like, that was amazing. can i have another one it was like brit like you just had a whole kebab and i was like don't you tell me what i can eat so i had another one i had two whole kebabs then the taste was so good i was

like can be a third kebab he's like britney i'm gonna put my foot down you don't need a third kebab you're drunk and i was like don't you dare tell me what i can and can't eat get me a third kebab got a third kebab by this time i've never eaten this much in my life you're like don't you kebab shame me he was kebab shaming me we barely made it home i laid down and then i got the wave of nausea I vomited a kebab it was almost whole it came out whole and I just like pulled it out like a whole kebab and I was like oh my god and then I proceeded to vomit for like four hours of kebab this is disgusting it was disgusting but did you vomit into a window screen this is what I want to know it was one of my worst moment it was the worst night I've had anyway I feel like

I was 18 so we're allowed to tell that story I'm a mature classy woman now as she says as she squirrels her wine but also guys just to really reiterate well we haven't we haven't iterated it but i'm gonna reiterate what i'm about to say is that we don't condone binge drinking we don't think that this is smart behavior by any means yes it's made for some funny memories or lack thereof but be sensible this is not funny stuff oh it's funny to look back on like 15 years later but we absolutely no we don't condone it but we can look back from 15 years ago and have a bloody good laugh and still be very surprised that we both are here to tell the tale yeah all right well i guess it's pretty obvious that we have made some pretty terrible life decisions and still

making them but this is what i always say our good advice comes from the terrible life decisions that we've made yeah we can tell you not to drink because we've done it i've done it girlfriend it's not worth it trust me anyway i think it's probably time that we should get into the questions All right. I'm coming at you hard and hot and dirty. Oh, I like that. That's how you like it when I come at you like that. Oh God. I'm very overwhelmed and flustered now. Okay. So this is an interesting one. My boyfriend constantly wants to give me a facial in a bedroom. I don't really love it, but do I just roll with it? Okay. I don't actually know what a facial is. My jaw is on the floor. Brittany just sprung this question on me. We did not discuss this question. Because I love

your reaction you just threw that in there I did I went rogue okay so a facial is when a guy comes on your face well I've I'm I got that but I didn't know that before I have never heard anyone actually say call it a facial actually leading on from our last episode the whole discussion around porn I think giving someone a facial is a very porn-esque move like I think that men who are really sexually aroused by doing that like I just I don't know there's something about it that I feel feels quite degrading like it feels quite um it feels a bit porny yeah it feels so porny and it doesn't feel like there's a lot of respect or love or care for me it feels a little bit like I'm being degraded but I totally understand that there's different strokes for different folks and

definitely not here to kink shame if that's something that you get off on and it's done within like a mutual and respectful way and and you get off on it as well then like all for it But if this girl's saying that she doesn't like it and her boyfriend keeps pushing for it, like, no, that, that line in the sand can be pretty hard. It's so, it's so invasive. Like if you don't want a guy to come on your face, don't allow for that. It's such an intrusive thing. I completely agree.

I can see both sides of this. Absolutely. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. If you're in a relationship and he wants to do that and you are happy to do that, go for it. I mean, you're in a committed relationship. You trust each other. As long as you've spoken about it and you're both on board with it, I don't see a problem

with it. I see a problem with this only because she has said she's not happy with it maybe she's happy for it in a blue moon it just sounds like it's his thing I don't know where he's gotten that from but maybe if his thing is obviously that he doesn't want to finish inside you maybe he doesn't have to come on your face maybe it could be somewhere else I mean there's so many other options so I think you just need to be really honest with him if there's ever anything you're uncomfortable with in the bedroom whether that's the first time a one-night stand a relationship long term it doesn't really matter it's your prerogative to say no and to be honest and say

you don't like something so you need to find a compromise with your partner also it's just like so messy imagine if you have your mascara done and your makeup done and your hair done like that's that's a whole lot of cleanup i love that that is what you're worried about agree with everything you've said brit if your partner has every right to ask for something like we all have different fantasies and it's nice to be in a relationship where he feels open enough that he can ask for something but at the same time he needs to respect that if that crosses your boundaries and it's something that you're not comfortable with then he shouldn't be pushing for that and I and I think that that's really unfair of him if you've explained that you don't feel comfortable and

it's a no then that should be enough like no should be enough having said that and this goes for every aspect of a relationship like literally to the point of what you like to eat like I'm talking any aspect if you haven't communicated something ever before how are they going to know if you have never said that you don't like that they're never going to know if you're going with it and rolling with it he's going to think oh she's into this too she likes this too whether that's you saying yeah babe i'll have indian for dinner but you hate indian he's going to keep ordering the indian on that as well like we can't expect people to understand our non-verbal cues like i think that often we might feel a certain way or we might feel like we're expressing a

certain thing but unless you actually verbalize those words and make it very black and white for people you can't expect that they know what you mean or that they got the gist like that's an unfair expectation so like brit said with everything in a relationship you have to say if you're not comfortable with it and physically say those words so that he's well aware but but like we touched on if he's still pushing for this and this is like the only way that he's able to get his rocks off then I feel like he's been watching way too much porn and that's something that he like you need to deal with and that's a whole nother issue I don't think it's the only way he can get his rocks off I think it's just something he likes and he thinks it's okay because

she hasn't said anything so I of course it's not the only way he's just rolling with it because it's been allowed and it's what they've been doing if it is something you have been doing up on this point in time like it's okay for you to now change your mind and say you don't like something yeah thank you next yes thank you bye Felicia I don't want you come on my face it's very messy cleanup yeah it's like it's your money maker oh maybe it's good for the skin all right question number two please do not try and just swing another one in here i won't stick to the script bretty okay question number two how do you know if and when you should be a proactively going for a guy i.e making the first move because maybe they're shy or b do you wait patiently for them to

make a move. If he's into you, surely he'll let you know, right? Guys are just as nervous of rejection as girls are. Guys are just as scared that you're going to say no, especially if it's someone who you've met quite a few times and you kind of have like an acquaintance or a friendship with, they might think that you don't like them as well. And so I think grab that bull by the balls, not literally, but get in there and ask him out for coffee. For sure. I'm so about sending out the first message chasing them sliding into their dms I've asked people out in public in the bars I've messaged them I've you name it I think if you're interested in somebody there's absolutely nothing wrong with approaching them first and letting them know that you have that interest

and I think these days if it's online which let's be real 95% of 95% of our interactions and communication is showing somebody you're interested straight away might be literally on Instagram, liking two photos, giving them a follow. You could sit on that for a few days and see if they reciprocate or you could just slide straight into their DM. I actually did this once to this guy who I was really interested in. I didn't know him. I just saw him on Instagram. Liked a photo, gave him a follow and then I just slid straight into his DM. I didn't even wait. I just said, dude, you're actually so funny. I've laughed at your Instagram page for an hour. We should grab a coffee sometime if you're keen that's it and in my mind who cares if he writes back and says no

or if he doesn't write back and he did and we ended up hooking up and having a great time and it was it was amazing but on the flip side to what you're saying brit like i also think that there's situations where maybe you've known a guy for months or years or whatever and maybe you guys you know you're at the same work or you've got the same friendship group or something but you've had this long-term crush on them. And maybe you have great banter or great energy and you think like, why hasn't he asked me out? Like there's something here. I know there's something here, but he hasn't asked me out yet. There's a very good chance that he is just fearful of rejection as well. There's a very good chance that he doesn't think that you feel the same way. So I think, what have you got

to lose? Like, unless it's a really close friendship circle where things are going to be a bit awkward for a little while, ask the guy out for a drink or you're going to keep waiting and he's going to find another girlfriend or you're going to get a boyfriend. Like these are just opportunities that could pass you by. And I can guarantee you, I won't be you getting a boyfriend. It'll be him getting a girlfriend and you kicking yourself. Why didn't I say something earlier? Like I feel like that's always the case. Do you know what a really good, like very modern and contemporary example of this is? And you guys might've seen it on the media recently, but Jimmy Fallon recently came out and said that when he had become friends with Kate Hudson, that he had a

massive crush on her and he would have asked her out or he really wanted to ask her out and like they were friends for ages and like he'd interviewed her and they'd worked together and they just stayed friends and then she got a boyfriend and now she's married to him and then Kate Hudson had come out and said I had a crush on you the whole time yeah why didn't you why didn't you do anything why didn't you make a move so he was kicking himself because he's like oh I didn't know and she's like of course you didn't know you didn't ask me do you know what came out after that came out it came out that the exact same thing happened with him jimmy fallon and nicole kidman kidman had this huge crush on jimmy fallon to the point that she got her agent

to set it up so that she could go to jimmy's house and they were going to talk about like maybe an interview or whatever so they set it up she goes to jimmy fallon's house he turns up in like pajamas still he's track pants opens the door lets her in she comes in this is nicole kidman he says I didn't even pay her attention I just sat there and played my video games and sort of half-heartedly talked to her over my shoulder not gave her nothing Nicole Kidman's like I really worked for it I was there for four hours trying to strike up conversations about like records and music it's midday she's like maybe we should crack a wine what about wine at this work meeting and she's like after four hours I was like wow he has no interest in me so she left and she told

him this later on and he was like are you kidding me I could have had Nicole Kidman again he just gave her nothing because he thought there's no way this person would be interested in me. Honestly, some guys are so oblivious, just like some girls are oblivious. Like if you haven't necessarily given him reason to think that you like him for fear of rejection, then there's a good chance that he won't act on it because he thinks the same thing. He's scared that you're going to reject him as well. I think if you like a guy, as a woman, we can make the first move. It's 2020, own that, make him your bitch. Confidence is sexy and a lot of men actually like that they like it takes the pressure off them if a woman comes and approaches them they're like

oh wow like a she's confident b she's sexy c i didn't have to do any work also just on what you just said there's this really great like love coach we've talked about a couple of times matthew hussey and he he sort of explains this theory he's like as a woman if you don't go out and get the man that you want then you're always going to be the woman who settles for whatever wants you just means that you're always the receiver of whatever comes to you you never get to choose the person that you want to date and so I think it's really important that if you do have feelings for someone or you do think that there's someone who you have a connection with like you need to be proactive in that because because you know what the saying is wrong good things don't come to those who wait

okay Grinch you can tell that like Laura's the pessimist and I'm the optimist no look I'm the realist i'm not a pessimist they equally come to those who wait but they also don't no i think opportunity favors people who are proactive and also ready for it in their life yeah sure you may get lucky someone may walk into your life who sweeps you off your feet that may happen that's also very cinderella disneyland like whatever you have to be proactive if you want to end up in a relationship with someone who you really want i am just like the perfect example of both of those things because for ever I've been the one that is proactive and I'm going and chasing but I still have to tell myself good things come to those who wait breathe so I'm just like a little bit a

little bit b all right question number three does that mean we're doing four questions today well do you want three or four well you threw in that really crazy first question so I think we're going four we can girls I need your help I think my friend she's my old best friend is about to ask me to be her bridesmaid but I really really don't want to we were so close until she met her fiance and then she just ditched me what do I do do I just say yes and get it over and done with or can I say no oh man that sucks oh it's so tricky I think this happens a lot I mean friendships change when people get into relationships um some some people are better at managing their friends and their and their connections with their friends when they're in a relationship but but some people

some people are really shitty and they just completely let their friendships fall by the wayside. I do think that there's a period where people are afforded a bit of time to invest in their relationship over their friendships. Like I do think that that happens as a natural give and take that happens in friendships and lifelong friends, real lifelong friends will understand that there will be ebbs and flows in your friendship and that sometimes you will be able to spend more time with them and see them more. And other times that's going to be less because life is just demanding. And as we get older and you have kids and you have a relationship and you have work. There are so many other things that you need to juggle and real friends understand

that. But on the flip side, if she's just completely ditched you and then come out of the woodworks as someone who's now in a really happy part of their life and they're getting married and being like, hey, I want you to be involved in this. I can completely understand why you're now at this crossroads with this. Absolutely. I think this is quite a hard one for a lot of people to come to terms with that transition from when you are young and free with no responsibility and friends to when people do start to get into serious relationships and they get full-time jobs and they get life stresses there is this transition and we can never really pinpoint it from being young and free to being an adult and a lot of the time you don't maintain

the friendship that you did it doesn't mean that you love each other less or that you care about each other less but what it means is life gets in the way and you can't dedicate enough time some people some people really take offense when a friend doesn't have as much time for them anymore but I think that we need to get to a point where as an adult you have to be a bit more understanding so I know me my best friend we've been best friends since we're five years old so our whole life and we are in polar opposites so she is married with two little children she lives in Queensland her and I will not speak for months and months and months that doesn't change it with us it doesn't change the way we feel about each other or the fact that we would still do anything for

each other when we speak to each other it's exactly the same like nothing has changed and that's because we both know that the love is there and we're just busy people in this situation if you absolutely do not want to be her bridesmaid you don't have to be I don't think anybody has to do something that I don't want to do if you really really don't want to do it there are ways out of and I did have a look at some things that you can say and some reasoning that's going to soften the blow and you can say to your friend, look, I love you and I adore you.

I really want to be a part of your wedding because there's no, you know, I really want to see you two tie the knot and I want to celebrate your love. But financially and in terms of time, I can't commit to that because being a bridesmaid is bloody expensive. It's a big financial commitment.

It's huge. Like, I think, I think that's a really easy way of getting out of the responsibility if you want out, because if you haven't been super close over the last few months, then she probably doesn't know your financial situation and she doesn't know what's going on in your life in regards to work. So it's very easy for you to say, actually, I can't afford to do this. I mean, I've been a bridesmaid. I was a maid of honor last year for two friends and it cost thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars when you count up like the shoes and the dress and the hens party the days off and travel yeah honestly it's such an expensive thing to be a part of so I do think you should only be a bridesmaid for someone who you feel really really passionate

about and you love them and they're going to be part of your friendship circle for a really long time because it is a really big responsibility my only other part to this which I think is really worth considering is the reason why she's asked you to be a bridesmaid is because she does love you and maybe she hasn't shown that recently and maybe she hasn't been the best friend but if you do want to rekindle that and you do want to work on that friendship and you do want to get back to a place where you were before maybe this is your opportunity to do that and the fact that she's asking you really shows that even though you may not have seen each other that much over the last little period you are still someone who is so important to her and is so important in her life

and you can have a conversation with her about how you feel a little bit rejected you'll have plenty of opportunities for that to come up as a bridesmaid because you will get the opportunity to spend a lot of time together when you go dress shopping and you'll have dinners and you'll you know I just think it's a real opportunity where you can reconnect with someone who you have loved and they've been a such an important part of your life that's a great point keep in mind that if you do say no even if you have a great reason it's going to cause some tension she's going to be disappointed she's going to be upset even if you say financially I absolutely can't I like to think that a real friend and I like to think I would a real friend will understand that she'll say

absolutely I get that but you do need to be prepared that it's there'll be repercussions from that whether she wants it to be or you want it to be or not the tension will be there it might change things even more all righty I love it when we agree question number four I wouldn't want to be in her position though question four I'm in my mid-20s and I've become open with the idea of dating someone with a child slash children but I've never done it I'm unsure how to navigate it and I wish to seek advice on doing it successfully. It's all new territory for me and none of my girlfriends at all

have ever dated people with children. So I just can't even turn to them for help. How do I navigate this? I have a girlfriend who recently started dating a guy, not so recent, but she started dating a guy who has a kid and their relationship became very intense very quickly. And something that I noticed through social media and through her Facebook

that made me feel a little bit uncomfortable was that I felt like she was using the child as a bit of a pawn in their relationship and hear me out when I try and explain this but she was posting photos of herself and his kids and being like oh my god I love these kids so much you know another wonderful day with boys and I just felt a little bit like she was overstepping the place of the mother and maybe I say this now because I feel like fiercely protective of Marley and I and I think like if I was not with Matt and Matt brought another woman into his life that was posting those sort of things yeah that was posting photos of her relationship with my

children especially if there hadn't been a lot of time between our separation I think I would feel extremely fiercely protective over my children and the fact that somebody else was almost trying to take my role that would be my biggest advice if you are if you're going to date somebody who has children know that in the beginning of the relationship know that they're not your children and you are not responsible for them you're not responsible to discipline them the only job that you have as a partner is really to be friends to those kids and to be support there when and if they need you but you can't take a parental role straight away I completely agree with that but I am going to throw a spanner in the works and say that I feel like that's only in the beginning of

a relationship okay I know both spectrums people that are my age whose step parents they see as parents oh yeah that's what I said at the beginning of the relationship yeah so it's absolutely the beginning because I don't want any of you to think that we're saying that if you're a step parent that you don't have that responsibility and they're not your children because a lot of you see them as your children and they become your children no way I mean my parents both my parents are divorced I have step parents on both sides like absolutely not like that's not what I'm saying and I hope that I didn't come across as that I mean when you're first getting into a relationship with someone who has children be very mindful that you're navigating a new territory and

respect those boundaries and I say this so that you are able to have as much of a mutual and healthy relationship with your partner's ex as possible and she has feelings too and it's going to be really really hard for the other person to see her kids with someone else even if you are the nicest human in the world it's not going to take away from the fact that her family unit is now with someone else my advice is really just to take the lead from the person you're dating he is going to tell you how he likes to do things he's going to he's going to let you know what mark you can go to he's going to let you know what's okay and what's not okay when it comes to saying yes and no to things to the kids you're going to go off of him you're

going to literally just take your lead from him in the early days because that can cause a problem with you and your new partner as well if he thinks you're overstepping the mark if he thinks you're you're doing too much you're not doing enough literally go with the flow you're there to be a friend to the child at the start and just focus not on so much on the children but on your relationship with your partner it is a big responsibility to get into a relationship with someone who has children and you do need to accept the idea that they are always going to be a part of your life and that you can't create space between your partner and his children like you need to be really supporting and nurturing of that relationship because that relationship

will will probably be number one that's the role that's the responsibility he has of bringing children into this world you're not competing against each other you're working together as a family give as much support and comfort and love as you possibly can that's a tricky one it's so tricky don't let it put you off either because it can be a beautiful thing you can have a beautiful relationship and i think a lot of people it scares them and you do have to realize that it's not going to be a normal relationship like dating someone without kids but don't let it stop you brit you threw four questions in there you really got wild tonight well you know i just thought why not we like why not why not we're just here for a here for a long time not a good time

i'm here for both times i'm ready double time you guys thank you so much for writing your questions in keep them coming you can write to our instagram at life uncut podcast just put ask uncut at the top of your message you can also jump on our facebook page and in the page is a facebook discussion group so make sure you like the page but you have to jump into the discussion group as well because that's where the magic happens yeah we haven't been posting much on the page but if you get down and dirty with the facebook discussion group that's where it's all going down oh the page is just a front like fight club the page is just like a shell but we don't talk about the discussion group on the page the magic happens in the discussion group so guys thank you so much

to everybody who's written in questions for today's episode we hope that you got something from it we hope that our advice has been helpful enlightening who knows even gave you a giggle i learned something i learned what a facial was see you next week legends hit subscribe five stars and share for love because we love love We'll be right back.