Life Uncut - I want it, and I want it now! Talking immediacy culture & delayed gratification

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

Hey Lifers!First up we've got some life updates: apparently we are doing a live show tour (was news to producer Keeshia), Britt is making us all move to Adelaide and Laura's lady part is going to cross fit. On a more serious note, Britt is having a skin treatment to help prevent skin cancer and this is our reminder to please book your skin check.   Today we're taking a big deep dive into immediacy culture how the expectation of instant gratification has changed our expectations of our relationships. We are joined by psychologist Sandy Rea to explore strategies for developing self-control and delayed gratification, as well as ways to help our kids navigate the world of tech & being handed everything with the click of a button.You can check out Sandy's work here Are you a Lifer? Join us!  Follow us on Instagram  Join the Facebook group Follow us on TiktokAnd tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Wollongong land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura, and I'm wearing what is, and I didn't realise this until I got here, it's made of, I think, nylon, and I'm already sweating. It doesn't look breathable.

It doesn't breathe. Also, I think I'm highly flammable. Especially, don't drop any bombs, don't do any whiz pops, because you'll go up in flames. Oh, I don't think farts just spontaneously catch into fire, it's only if I'm next to something that's flammable, well then it would be a double whammy, wouldn't it? no I went to the bathroom before did drop a few whiz bombs went to the bathroom and I was like I was like I'm so sweaty already and it's only 7 30 in the morning did you wear deodorant because you have a very bad habit I actually don't know anyone that doesn't wear deodorant as much as you

or forgets it's not like you mean to but every day you get here you're like oh bro did you bring your deodorant no I don't carry deodorant around you do now I have it in my bag no it's just that one step you know like some people always I forget to moisturize my legs I forget to put on deodorant I forget to shave my vagina look it's just another step in my life that I forget I don't often forget to do any of those I okay this is controversial people will come at me I know because I have a feeling it's not healthy oh god here we go no but I even when I shower at night I cannot go to bed without showering and then I put deodorant on to go to bed which is weird it's a habit because when I know I know it's not normal but because in my head I get out of the shower in the morning I put

deodorant on so at night i get out and i put deodorant on and i know i probably shouldn't and it's bad and someone's gonna write to me and say i'm gonna get some form of cancer but it's just a habit so that's what i do and sometimes it gets hot and sweaty at night and now i won't sweat do you use the natural one that we all know can we acknowledge here now together everyone hold hands natural deodorant doesn't work it doesn't work if you use it it's not working and everyone else around you knows but you don't it doesn't fucking work no you smell i've tried it i tried the crystal stick you know the one that you rub a bit of water in it you rub a crystal under your arm why are you rubbing that around your vagina as you talk to

me like that like you're rubbing isn't that where you put your deodorant this explains so much this is what you sweat and smell i mean i put deodorant on this morning guys it's not under my arm i've held on to this for a while about natural deodorant i know there's going to be some people who are offended but it's probably the people who are using it and now they know it doesn't work i do wonder if natural deodorant works for some people do you think maybe i've tried it doesn't work for I think if you're hormonally a bit smelly, which let's all be real, I am and I'm okay with it, it doesn't cut through. It's just not.

It doesn't have enough gusto. We probably do need to start looking into the deodorants we're using. Do we? Yeah, I reckon. Fuck, it's another thing. Look, I fall asleep with my phone under my pillow. I'm going to get some sort of – You're 100% getting brain cancer.

Can you say that? Probably not. We'll probably get cancer. Okay, did I tell you this on the podcast, you guys, that I was reading about this study? So you know that there's this study about plants, the very famous study that went viral about two plants and they're same environment, same water, same amount of plant food, but like one was given heaps of love and the other was given hate words and the hate word plant

died. We all know that study, right? I don't. This is the second time you brought up this study to me in the last two weeks, which makes me think you've only just discovered it. Everyone knows this study. It is literally worldwide. What kind of plants were they?

I don't know the plants, but everything was identical. The only thing that was different was one was played nice music and one was given words of affirmation and the other one was given no love. But they were fed and watered the same. But the plant died that was given the hate. Was the plant that was given hate or maybe it was getting dirty talk and it didn't like it?

You want to be wet? Well, I'm only going to give you a dribble. I'm going to make you so dry. It was like plant, yeah, sexy plant talk. Okay, so what, the plant that was not given any like physical love but it was still maintained, it was still given water, it was still given fertiliser. Everything was the same except the words and the music.

So one was just given a nice environment to thrive in in terms of loving environment and the other one wasn't. It's a very famous study, look it up. Anyway, I was reading something else that was saying plants near Wi-Fi routers don't grow as well. I don't know if this study is renowned. Brittany's sitting here with a tinfoil hat on talking about 5G. well so guys right where my wi-fi is in my house i have this huge palm and since i've moved and

it's lived next to the wi-fi it's always been next to the wi-fi no it was never dead it was thriving and now it's dead and now i read this and i was like why can't my plant survive because i bought so much hardcore plant food i have top of the range plant food this plant gets everything it needs the only thing i can think of and all the other plants in the house are fine but i've read this study about the wi-fi so i've moved it away from the wi-fi i'm doing my own study i've moved away outside and i bought a fake plant it's literally plastic it's a plastic plant but it looks real but i've replaced it with a plastic plant so i'm going to see myself if this plant thrives now away from the wi-fi now my point being if that's true laura if it's killing a plant

imagine what those waves are doing if it's next to your head please keep us updated on the um on the life cycle of your plant i am a scientist i do i don't think it has anything to do with the wi-fi well we'll find out laura burn i think it has to do with the fact that you're dating someone who lives overseas and you go away for extended periods lock your house up and don't water your plants that is not true i mean before that you also had a long distance boyfriend did the same thing four months at a time okay there does seem to be a pattern here okay i wanted to give you guys an update really important thing that's been happening in my life like just wanted to talk about my vagina a little bit longer since that's what I do on every single episode now

seems if you listen to last Tuesday's episode I was talking I told a story about actually there's two stories in this one I was telling the story about how Marley complimented my big fat hairy vagina yeah how could we forget yeah and how I realized that gravity is taking a hold thanks to my three-year-old. Well, it pays to have a well-circulated podcast. I had so many people, so many beauticians contact me and offer me, we joked about it, this M face thing. It's kind of like zapping your vagina back into place. Yes. So I have had so many people contact me to try and give me vagina CrossFit, which I know is a compliment. I mean, I know that they're trying to be helpful, but it's just not, I mean, it's not the influencer freebie I was hoping for.

So are you going to do vagina crossfit? I was going to go and get it zapped just so that we could have content to talk about. So I've, no, don't even do it for that. Do it because you want to. It's a facelift, but it's actually a vagina lift. It's a vagina lift. So I asked the question whether this actually existed and it turns out it does exist. It's a real thing.

And I'm going to a clinic and I'm getting vagina crossfit guys. And I'll, I'll let you know if I snap back into a 19 year old, you'll know about it. I've done it. No, you did the Kegel chair. I did Emcella. My friend's a beautician. she got this m cellar chair a lot of women might know about m cellar it's essentially the same sort of a thing but it's more deeply internal muscles so if you're incontinent for any reason maybe you

haven't even had a baby or you want this is what joanne mcnally was talking about this is the chair you sat on yes it's also if you want to have a better orgasm they also use it for that because it stimulates nerves and stuff now i didn't know this existed but i told her i'd try it just to try it it's pretty fucking hectic it's like you're being electrocuted inside but it's tolerable Like it's fine. You sit there but you're like. Well, no, this is different. This is pads.

This is like the pads that you put on your face. You stick your pads on your vagina. Oh, my God. Or on your vulva. Sorry, everyone. And it zaps it back into place. You need to do it. It defies gravity.

Just tightens the skin. Also, have you booked in? Yeah. When? In two weeks. Do you know what the annoying thing is? I don't have a lot of time. How am I going to maintain this maintenance?

But you also can't film that for content because that's like only fans. Or could I? Because I give zero fucks these days. What, you're going to film your vagina and put it on? Maybe I'll just film myself from the midsection up, you know, anyway. To be honest, when I say I give zero fucks these days, I received this comment on that video. So when I was talking about my big –

When you were talking about your big gravity-driven vagina. Yes, when I was talking about gravity taking hold, I received this comment and it was this. Is Laura okay? She seems off the rails and her voice has even changed. Are you all right? am i okay are you asking me if i'm okay in that comment or are you asking the people who follow me if i'm okay by association it's because they want to start the conversation publicly on your

page about how i'm off the rails yeah because you're fucking loose cannon you're off the rails have i lost the plot keisha and i wanted to have an intervention your voice is very different she's a bit of truth in there like touching on the truth oh yeah maybe i am off the rails no you're not off the rails but you're very chaotic but that's because you're busy cute cute though yeah cute chaos for sure yeah cute cute chaos all right well anyway okay well you need to stop reading those negative reviews can someone go write laura nice review no no no it's fine there was another really nice one that was on podcast as well go read that we actually do get some mean reviews we do don't we but don't read it i used

to read them and then they hurt my feelings so i stopped it we do don't we we also get nice ones we get love no no we get love you guys are amazing we get lovely ones wait i want to read you one more mean one while we're on it is it about me no it's about me i know i'd never read you the mean ones this one thank you I would never read mean ones about you hey Brittany look what they said about you I only read mean ones about me because it's funny all right here's one Laura ruins it that's all right I think I ruined it Laura does not stop talking about her life being a mess or that this person not gonna be happy because she's off the rails guys how difficult her children are etc etc or how long it'll be until she announces baby number three soon watch

this space oh my god it's like okay we can giggle at the mean reviews but if there's too many mean ones sometimes it hurts our feelings yeah but not yet sometimes i just laugh at them because they're great life update went to adelaide on the weekend with my sister sherry adelaide is actually amazing have you been down there adelaide is amazing people pay out adelaide i don't know it's like radelaide that's about all the payouts i know but but i mean people you know like there's an older demographic down there i think people go there to retire and die oh lots of churches what what's called the city of churches oh yeah we learned that kisha and i learned that from a comedy show last week actually danny boy it's so beautiful the food and the wine is some of the

best i have ever had in australia like the food i cannot fault from any cafe we walked into any restaurant lunch or dinner out of this world and the vineyards are obviously beautiful so i am actually blown away by how amazing Adelaide was my girlfriend lives there she actually just came up for the weekend and we went and had dinner and she was saying she lives in a three bedroom she's like this food shit no she lives in a three bedroom house with a yard oh yeah for like 20 bucks yeah no 570 dollars a week something I do want to comment actually I want to comment a lot about Adelaide because I actually can't speak highly enough about Adelaide this episode is about Adelaide well in my dm so many people were writing to me saying thank you so much for talking so

positively about Adelaide because most people bag it and I was really taken back I was like I can't wait it must have a real name in Australia but I don't know why because it was incredible do you know what to be fair I think I used to bag Adelaide as well until I went there and I went to the beautiful beaches and went to the wineries and stuff it's honestly so so fucking nice and so underrated for a place to go on holiday yeah so we and I didn't know this but we have Laura so many lifers in Adelaide I have not been stopped to say hello by so many people ever and everybody was so nice and incredible we're gonna have to go down to Adelaide for a live show absolutely like it was and I just want to say for everyone that did say hello it really moved me like it was you guys were

just at a different level you were so so lovely and so warm and just amazing people so it was I just didn't know we had so many lifers in Adelaide that's so nice so okay Adelaide wait of i would you want to say something you've mentioned live shows i mean brit and i we've been i know that we're like mid-year now can you believe that we're in may yuck we have been speaking about live shows we're currently in the midst of discussions but it is gonna happen this year well we have to go to adelaide because i may or may not did tell everyone we're going to adelaide we're going to adelaide i think we're gonna do like everyone i met i was like we're coming for a live show down here we're doing like six or eight live shows we haven't decided yet but

there it's happening national tour yeah we're getting to as many places as possible keisha's like what the fuck how is this how i'm hearing about this you know how this works we're going to tell you the week before life's going to be chaotic we're going to put a show together in a week no it's going to be awesome it's not going to be until the end of the year but yeah we're in the midst of trying to organize live shows because we really cool that's going to be fun so watch this space so one of the highlights for sure and everything was a highlight but i'll mention this one particular place was down the rabbit hole wines now it's a vineyard owned by the influencer girl she was her name's elise cook so elise cook was a travel influencer one of the

ogs i'd say in australia but before it took off frustratingly pretty she's ridiculous she's so sweet she's beautiful i have followed her for a long time i didn't know i just followed her from before on she was traveling around australia right in a van and they ended up stopping in adelaide they fell in love with the place and i feel like i watched this whole progression because that's what instagram is they bought some land they built a vineyard they put their bus on it that they traveled and they've turned it into like a tasty menu anyway I've watched it unravel for years and I finally went there and it was I can't I am blown away it was every the place was so aesthetically beautiful everything to a tee was amazing the staff were amazing the food was amazing

the decor it was just one of the most incredible places I have visited in Australia and that is one of the biggest calls wow that is such a big call you need to go there you would expect it to be aesthetically pleasing considering that she was like queen of instagram for a while this is what i said to sherry i said you can tell that somebody that was in this world created this place because it's so beautiful you can stand in any corner and get the right shot it's so amazing anyway that was there's ring lights all over the place no there's not but there's so much natural light oh that's all you need thank god anyway cannot recommend adelaide enough now coming off high of the weekend is I have another update but it's a bit of a darker update it is yeah it's but

it's a serious one and that's why I want to talk about it so it's a bit of a mood killer but you might have remembered if you follow me on Instagram probably like a month or so ago I put a call out on my own Instagram for a skin doctor referral a skin clinic because like skin cancer I should say because I'd been to some skin cancer checkups in the past and I didn't love them all So I wanted a referral from people that actually had been somewhere and loved it and had a good feeling because it's so important. Like we know that Australia has the high skin cancer in the world. I've been so bad. I know I shouldn't admit this and this is going to be the real kicker for me to go, but I've not gone and got my skin checked since I was like in my twenties. Well,

I'm now making you go Laura, but this is the crazy thing about this story is so many people. And I had more responses to that than i've ever had more people recommending this clinic now all these people were saying go to this could you clinic go to dr mcdonald dr mcdonald dr mcdonald and then people were like i can't remember the woman's name but it's from could you dr sarah all these referrals for this one person so i was like okay overwhelmingly this person sounds great booked in went there walked in you won't believe who walked out but my best friend from when i was 11 years old so this skin doctor how did you not know her name were you not like we are dr mcdonald there you are unless they've gotten married and changed her name we grew apart in our high school years

then i ran into her as an adult we worked at the same hospital together but she was an emergency doctor now when i was at a hospital in sydney we worked together in emergency so i didn't click because i didn't know she'd change professions but she's specialized in skin cancer she's a skin cancer doctor now so it was this really straight we were talking about when we were 12 and had sleepovers together it was really nice but I have some things on my face that I was worried about that are pre-cancerous basically they are called solar keratosis solar keratosis I don't know if we've got more how you'd say it but solar keratosis yeah like cacti growing on my face nothing like that anyway I on a serious note I have these things on my face I went there specifically for

a few of them that I was worried about but also a general checkup and funnily enough the three that i was worried about were what she pointed out and she said these are pre-cancerous so they are called solar keratosis and essentially if left they will turn into a skin cancer it was a bit of a shock because you always think that this stuff's never going to happen to you and i've worn sun cream all through from like 20 onwards yeah but the damage is done but we all we got fucking shafted when we were teenagers because oh yeah oil go lay in the sun in your oil like my mom was like oh you've got a pimple go and get some sun on it and then it wasn't until I was about 25 that I was like oh you gypped me that was a terrible idea yeah my kids I mean granted they're only

a few years into their life but they have never experienced what it is to be sunburned and they have been to the beach I take those kids to the beach every single day in summer but for us when we were kids I think I was sunburned every single day in summer like I don't ever remember not being sunburn i mean when i was a kid so bad it's so true my mom you put the sun cream on once but then you're out all day and you don't reapply totally we'd get to the beach my mom would like slap it on once okay but you mentioned this you have to do this like hectic well treatment now which is going to start as of tomorrow today ah so it's just to while we're talking about it what these solar keratosis turn into is called an scc which is a squamous cell carcinoma just so we're

covering what we're talking about here and that's the bad stuff right that's the cancer so i've started this she's put me on this treatment and it is hectic now I will document it for you guys but it's going to be very confronting so it is a cytotoxic treatment that you can't even touch without gloves it's a special referral that comes from a different state it comes wrapped in multiple plastic bags it is very very highly toxic because it literally kills anything it touches so I have to apply it to my entire face and it goes for probably two to three weeks and it is essentially depends on how bad your skin is but it is going to make me look like my face is going to be a giant bright red not even a burnt scab like big it affects different people obviously differently

but the idea is it completely burns all your skin off because it stops your bad cells from duplicating and that's what turns into the cancer but it also kills the good stuff in the time being when you mentioned this to me the first time i was like brittany's just getting a chemical peel she's lying she's just going to get a chemical peel and she's getting face surgery you're like yeah so i've got skin cancers i have to do this i'm doing this because my dermatologist told me that i had to and really you've just gone and gotten like four layers some laser genesis fraxel laser in her facelift absolutely i'm gonna come back with a whole nose job everything yeah britney comes back looks like a completely different person and a butt lift i'm a whole

different i'm kardashian i'm kim kardashian but i was like it's just the face oh just guys i just use this cream but wasn't it different when i explained to you what was happening and then the difference from what you imagined to when i showed you a picture you were like whoa that's because i showed you a picture of what's going to happen it's hectic so yeah i think the best way from what you described to me is that the cream doesn't activate your whole face it's like the areas that are pre-cancerous are the areas that really become inflamed and they're the areas that like everything goes red but they're the areas that it really attracts to and they're the areas that scab over quite a bit so some people have had super severe reactions to it and some people's

reactions are a lot milder yeah they'll definitely be hectic hectic reactions it's unlike anything I can explain so I will take some photos and document it because I do think it's really important that we talk really openly about skin cancer and what it does and I would much rather look like a really walking scary scabby faced person for a few weeks than develop a skin cancer absolutely yeah and i mean keisha i mean you're only what 27 she's nine yeah she's 30 i mean she's 27 she's 29 keisha's 29 and she's had five things cut out of her go get your skin check guys this is your reminder and that's coming from the person who hasn't been and is about to book in because now we all know that dr sarah is going to be very busy well that's yeah so quickly get him before

the episode comes out for a call today yeah so this is definitely a reminder for everyone to go and get your skin checked because it really does happen to anyone. And I'm lucky that I'm very, very lucky that it's not skin cancer yet. This is a preventative treatment for what I have got to stop it turning into the cancer. So I don't want it to go out that I've got skin cancer. I don't want that to be a headline because I don't. But the whole idea is I'm stopping that from developing.

And this is also us pre-warning you that we probably won't have videos for two weeks. I am off camera for two weeks. It's going to be Laura. This whole story is so that, one, you get checked and two, you understand why there's no videos for two weeks. There's definitely no videos. All right.

Well, before we get into talking about what we're talking about on today's episode, which is immediacy culture, we're not going to get into that immediately because there's something else I want to talk about. Because we are patient. We have developed patience. Do we? I don't have any patience in my life.

No, you have zero. No, I have none. I have children. They've taken every last moment of my patience. They took your boobs, they took your vagina, and they took your patience. And they took my patience. What else do they take?

My sanity. Soul. My sanity, my soul, my joy. Okay, no, I wanted to bring to you an article that I came across because I wanted to know how you feel about this, Britt. Now there is a chef who is based out – he's a Michelin star chef, very – Top notch.

Top notch, as high as it gets. His name is Dabiz Munoz. Definitely I'm going to say that wrong. He's a Spanish celebrity chef, right? So he just went and did a little – what would you call it? He went and did a little hiatus in Japan where he learnt some new skills. He probably thinks that sushi is a dinner meal. and he is bringing back one of his techniques that he learnt to Madrid.

Now, he has come across a very unusual ingredient that he wants to start implementing in his food for its creamy, its rich, its decadent, its silky texture. Okay, what it is that he is going to start incorporating into his dishes is fish semen. I don't want any semen in my mouth at all, to be honest. It doesn't matter if it's from a fish or a husband. No, I'd probably prefer fish semen if I had to choose.

What you're saying is now he has to find a fish, masturbate the fish and put it onto the sushi. I think they just cut it out. I think they just cut into like its little testes and pull it out. Like the little semen ducts. Do fish have testes? I don't know. Yeah.

Well, otherwise where's the sperm come from? Semen sacs. I don't know. It's not like that. Put your Google down. Where does fish semen come from? Imagine being the one that has to masturbate a fish to get it out. No, they just cut in and pull it out.

When I first read this, I was like, oh, my God, yuck, that's so gross. I understand that it's a delicacy in another country and, you know, people have different things and in different countries there's different things that we lean into. But then I was also like, well, we do eat fish roe, which I still think is kind of weird, but I'll eat it if it's on top of sushi. Well, yeah, because fish roe is fish eggs, so we're eating that. Yeah, so we'll eat ovulation.

We'll eat chicken eggs. My thing is, look, I'm not yucking anybody's yum, um but do we need to go to this extent i mean like i just looked this up so it's loved for its silky smooth texture striking sea-like flavor mainly extracted from puffer fish monkfish and sometimes cod cod's one of my favorite fish although i've never tried cod semen but cod is probably like the basic one like the puffer fish and that is like the high end and then if you're gonna have like basic semen you're getting cod that's like the lowbrow i just realized my favorite food of all time that my mom made is cod semen no it's cod with white sauce has she

been putting is the one has she been putting fish semen on my cod for oh my god she's ahead of the game some people might think it's bechamel other people will think it's my thing is like i'm all for trying different stuff but the effort that you must have to go to to this it says you have to gently separate the sperm sacs to extract this white toned pinkish semen surely the taste can't be that amazing like surely the benefit doesn't outweigh the time frame to extract the semen Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't have the answers to that. But this Menoz guy, okay, so Menoz goes,

grilled puffer fish semen was indescribable. It blew my mind enormously. But, okay, this is the thing. There are so many different random stuff that people incorporate into food and in certain areas it's more acceptable. Like obviously in Japan this is not a big deal. It's obviously something that's seen as a delicacy. But when you take it out of context and you bring it into another place,

Like if somebody was going to start serving fish semen in Australia, I remember when even eating sushi was like, wow, that's exotic. Teriyaki, ooh, exotic. That is so shit. Do you remember? Oh, my God, it's raw. Maybe in 20 years' time we'll all be drinking and whatever. Look, if I went to a Japanese restaurant, I would happily try it.

I'm open to trying things. Would you? Yeah. Would you not? Do you know I once ate goat testicles? I didn't know that that's what I was eating. I was in Nepal and it was in a – it was kind of like a grill plate, I guess. It wasn't really a curry.

It was kind of like a dry curry, I guess you would call it. Anyway, I ate it and I was with a Nepalese person at the time and they made a joke and said, oh, yeah, mountain oysters. And I was like, yeah, mountain oysters, ate them. And it was only – How are there oysters in the mountain? Let me just do – let me pull up Google. But it does make me think whenever I hear about these like very unusual food items,

i.e. testicles. one i think about i'm a celebrity get me out of here but i also think who was the first person like who was the first person that walked into a field and went i'm gonna suck that cow's titties who was the first person that thought that's a good place to get a food source from see the milk thing i get right because it makes sense that's what's feeding another animal like it's giving life so i sort of get that no no you say that but then why is it okay to drink a cow milk but not rabbit milk or like rat milk like do you know i mean like you would because there's the quantity was well yeah imagine trying to milk a rat laura fine no but i guess what i'm saying

is right okay think of think of your face throughout this entire episode so far has been pure confusion which doesn't lead me with much hope it's how everybody else is feeling she's like i don't want to have to put this shit out she's just like usually i'm so proud about the content i create what the fuck is this best this is what my life has come to we're talking about bull we're talking about milking beautiful and brave what i mean by that is right think of the caveman years where it is normal to go and say okay i'm so hungry i have to find my own food here's a wildebeest i'm gonna eat every part of it i'm gonna eat the testicles as well because it's another part of it you don't know back then where i think it's strange now is we have so much

food on this planet like people don't need to go and get a fish and then extract it to the point of this little delicate operation to extract the sperm to eat it that's like for me i'm like why are we thinking of doing that now i get it in the cave menus but why do we have to go to that extent now well no there's lots of restaurants even in australia what do they call it snout to tail where they use like the whole of the animal and it makes you think where are they using some of those parts if they're using all of it where are they putting those bits i've never heard of snout to tail where's that butthole going is that a restaurant in sydney snout to tail no but they do like lots of restaurants will say that they use the entire animal which sounds so like when

you hear that you're like yeah good resourceful i'm so glad that nothing is going to waste totally but then when you think about nothing going to waste you're like oh fuck what am i eating no back to the fish semen anyway look thanks for bringing that you're so welcome i really think it's important to hit the hard-hitting news sometimes so we wanted to talk about immediacy culture on this episode now the reason why this came up as a conversation was because one of y'all lifers slid into the dms and was like hey why don't you do an episode on immediacy culture I love that you're about to do this really deep meaning. Like the reason this came up was I had this revelation one day

when I was impatient waiting for an appointment. But, no, you're like the reason we did this is you asked for it. Yeah, literally. No, sometimes you will send us stellar recommendations of people that we should interview. But if you've been listening to the pod for a long time, you would know that back in the day Britt and I used to do just one-on-one chats.

We were the talent. We were the talent. We used to learn about so many things and we would do the research and then we would bring it to you as digested as we possibly could digest it. Now you guys asked for this episode on immediacy culture two years ago but we wanted to be patient. So here it is.

But also when we say you all asked for it, it was one person. There was one DM that slid in that said, can you do an episode on immediacy culture? But it did spark a conversation between the three of us around the fact that we do live in a society now that plays into us wanting things literally immediately. We are so horny for having things in the now, whereas like I would say we're of the generation where we've kind of straddled both. We grew up knowing that things didn't come that easily. Things weren't just at the touch of a

button. But now because of convenience, because of apps, because of technology, we now live in a society where literally you could have pretty much anything you want or need at the click of a button and we wanted to talk about how that has impacted us what impact that's had on our patients how that affects our dating the way that we show up in work and also talk about what's that doing you know in how we raise our kids well you also don't realize about how much it permeates our life when we started to have this conversation I was like immediacy culture in my head I was like oh buzzword well I was like yeah so buzzy I'm gonna have to look up urban dictionary No, but I thought, okay, immediacy culture, what is that?

Let me learn about it. And when I started to read about it, I was like, oh, it literally impacts every single aspect of our life. Yeah, but the thing I didn't like about it is that a lot of the stuff that's out there at the moment talks about how negative immediacy culture is, how it's like such a stain on society that we can have pretty much whatever we want at our fingertips because it creates a lack of patience and it also creates a sense of entitlement that we're entitled

to have whatever we want at the click of a button. But also I think it's really important before we unpack like the ways in which it can be negative, I don't want to skim over the fact that I think it is absolutely brilliant in a lot of ways as well. Like you can order food to your house, Uber Eats, you don't even have to think about what you're going to cook. You don't even have to think about doing a grocery list. Everything that you need can be delivered to you.

But even if you do do a grocery list, it can also be delivered to you. Oh yeah, if you're organized. Well, no, you can order it for the next day. This is the point. like there is everything you could possibly want at your fingertips you can also go online do your online shopping way too much of it which is what we all do you can find a boyfriend or girlfriend online what there's other ways to find them well but it means that you almost don't have to think about or pre-plan because everything now is so convenient and this idea around immediacy

culture came out of convenience right it came out of a need people were like well how can we bring that to you or how can we make that more streamlined and then someone created an app and then that's the world that we live in now okay question yes would you consider yourself a patient person or an impatient person because the two words that surround immediacy culture sort of link back to patience and impatience I think I am it depends on the part of my life and it depends what's going on in my life I think when I'm overall you gotta pick one are you gonna to be kidnapped this is my game I would have thought I was a patient person until I started to research this right I would have thought oh you know like I'm patient with my kids most of the

time but when you think about it like being on hold on hold on a call can't stand it can't stand it so impatient having to line up for coffee and wait won't line up for anything and when you say you're impatient on a call what happens because sometimes you have to stay on that call so you mean you get frustrated you get angry like what is the visceral reaction to being on hold I'm not like angry at the person who picks up the phone like it doesn't make me an angry person I just now would refuse to wait if the call was going to be too long I'll do whatever the option is usually when you know you call say NAB or something they're like their call is going to be 10 minutes wait you can leave a message and someone will call you back I'm not someone who will line up

for anything now because I feel like I've been conditioned to think well I don't need to line up a good example of that actually I'm sure you haven't you're not even thinking about it right now Laura but it was only a couple of days ago that you were like bless Matt's soul I let my car insurance lapse because I couldn't be bothered to call up and go on hold so he did it from home he's like I will sit on hold for you to get your insurance because you got to a point that you let your insurance I was like because you're like fuck being on hold I was like I'm gonna drive around it's so true though but don't you think now I mean I see this from a business perspective right with tony may back in the day and this was when i said back in the day when we first started our

online retail store we were pretty quick to doing online shopping right and this was going back maybe 13 years ago our shipping terms were up to two weeks back then up to two weeks was standard and we would often do made to order so like if you place an order for a bracelet it would be made it would ship within sort of 10 days after that now because of things like you know the iconic who we do love, Amazon, there is this expectation now that when you place an online order, you receive it the same day. Which is wild when you think about it. Or you receive it the next day. Think about how many times you felt impatient when something's been delayed by a day, the inconvenience that causes to you. Because the fact that we live in an immediate society, it means that a lot of

people put things off to last minute. So you order things knowing, well, it's going to arrive that same day, which then means that if anything goes wrong, the inconvenience of it going wrong or the inconvenience of the delay is even greater when i think of am i impatient or impatient i would put myself as patient i really would there are things that i obviously get impatient about but i think overall if i had to group myself i find myself very patient and i think a big part of being patient and impatient comes down to how busy we are in life because like if you're a mom there is never not something that you have to do right so the result of having to do a hundred things is impatience because you don't have time to waste so when someone's taking too long you're like

hurry the fuck up because I've got to be somewhere in 10 minutes now whose fault is that is that the person that's taking 10 minutes to make the coffee's fault or is that your fault for developing a level of impatience because I don't think it's the person making the coffee's fault no of course not but I also think it leads into this idea that we have been subtly over the past 10 years groomed to think that everything should be happening now absolutely we have been groomed to be conditioned that things happen fast and so when there is an incident where something is you know thrown out of whack where you have to wait longer for something and I'm not just talking about insignificant things like getting a coffee or having to do your car insurance I'm talking

about life events now as well when you have to wait for something that you perceive to be beyond a you know acceptable wait time our level of frustration has increased well think about this right and this is you know a walk down memory lane for many people some of you are going to be like what are they talking about growing up when we wanted to have a movie night you know with your girlfriends on a sleepover on the weekend or your family it would be an event video easy baby all week blockbuster video easy all week you would say can't wait for this weekend we're having a movie night with your friends the weekend would come you'd all get together at the same house then you'd either walk down to the closest dvd or vcr store with all your friends

if you had a movie in mind you had to hope to god no one else had rented that movie out you had to walk down the aisles and be like damn it it's gone what are we going to do as a backup we'll put our name down for next week maybe we can watch it then there's only three of them in the store so then you had to pick something else take it home and then you had it for 24 hours or you had to pay more money and then you took it back and that was it now there is nothing you cannot watch within two minutes within a click of a button maybe you have to pay five dollars ten dollars whatever it is but there is nothing literally that you cannot watch on the spot you can sit there and be like I want to watch this and in two minutes it's playing yeah I mean you used to not

even just with going to video easy but you used to you know get served your favorite tv show once every week and now you can binge watch an entire series in one sitting but do you not remember I mean just speaking about like consuming content in that way I mean we were too young it wasn't like we were watching porn but if you wanted to watch porn where is this if you wanted to watch porn you would go to blockbuster you'd go to the adult section you would pick up a video then you would like sneakily go and have to like hire it out you seem to know a lot about this well because when i was a kid i used to always walk down that aisle and be like laura burn johnson laura burn johnson that's kind of like how you would be able to access it so if you wanted to fucking get porn

it was a considered thing you were like i'm gonna get in my car and drive to video easy and everyone I knew you were going to masturbate that night. Yeah, go and hire out some porn. You're walking down Video Easy being like, it's going to happen tonight, guys. I'm getting lucky. Whereas now, 30% of internet use, that's a stat, I found that, 30% of internet use is made up by pornography,

people searching and Googling porn. And I think one of the reasons why this is so interesting, this conversation around immediacy culture, is because it links into temptation, right? Because it is so easy to access every single thing that you need now, whether it be food, whether it be pornography, whether it be boyfriend everything yes sex drugs everything is so easy to access sex drugs rock and roll baby that it makes it so hard to have a level of self-control do you know what else it is too

that's a really good point if we're going to link this temptation and immediacy culture into love relationships and dating this leads us into this whole aspect of the grass is always greener and i think this is a big part of the problem on why people and i don't want to use this term but people trade in too easily and too quickly these days with dating because as soon as the problem arises you don't have to go back out and court someone for three months like we used to have to do to try and meet someone fall in love start the process literally buy them flowers take them on proper dates walk to their house because there was no phone like you had to put in so much effort but now you can roll over in bed and be searching for your next partner while your current partner is

in your bed I do not advise that but people can do that because of immediacy culture yeah and I think there's people who are more prone to it than others absolutely if you're someone who is codependent and when I was researching this and I was thinking about my own experience we all know that I was a codependent bitch back in the day but if you're someone who's codependent I think that that's something that is even more problematic for you because instead of having to say for example, go through a bad breakup, work on what happened in that breakup. Why did that relationship not serve me? What do I want differently? You're so easily now, you can so easily fill the hole with somebody else who's available because you've always got people in rotation via dating apps.

And by doing that, all you end up doing is you fill your time with somebody who you know you're not going to end up in a long-term relationship with, but by being with them, you're filling a hole, but you're also sacrificing the ability to find someone who could be the right person for you. actually jumping in I mean I read this thing when we were doing the prep for this I thought it was a little bit contradictory to what I imagined you were talking about this immediacy culture of like swiping right swiping right and we're having all these matches and it's all available at literally the swipe of the finger RSI in the thumb it was a study by a group of people at evolutionary psychological science and they basically got all these people to discuss how many people they had

actually met up with from their tinder matches so traditionally you would have had to go to a bar you would have had to talk to someone you might be 15 minutes into a conversation when you find out that they've got a partner they're not single and so you're like oh fuck like back to the drawing board and now dating apps remove that so we have immediacy with we already find each other attractive because we have matched but of those matches they found that only 2.5 percent of your matches you were meeting in real life so like yeah it's quite actually a really low statistic if you think about how available you would think it would become because you're removing the factors of like,

oh, they might have another partner or they might not be attracted to me or they might not be into me. Well, it just makes you wonder, right, if you've made 100 matches and you're only meeting up with three people, why the hell have you made 100 matches? Because you've matched them. If you're matching them, essentially it should be like, cool, we're vibing each other, that's why we're matching.

But it makes you wonder if people are just feeling a void at home. We know that that's the case, right? Like people are using online dating as validation. like people use it for all different reasons but like validation's a big one people use it as a fucking game some people use it to you know feel good when they're actually in other relationships there's many reasons why people use online dating when i think about it i was always really selective i didn't want to be one of those people i matched with few people because i was like i don't want to waste my time but then sometimes i would go back onto my online dating and i'd be like why

the hell did i match that person i'd never spoken to them i look at them and i'm like must have been feeling shit that day a moment of vulnerability because i so sometimes i was i did and i was like why even sometimes someone would write to me and i wouldn't even write back and i was like what a bitch britney why did you match the guy see i was the opposite to you i'd fucking swipe i was like could date him could date him could date him could date him could date him and did you ever talk to them though no fuck no never because i could it was in a moment of sadness where i was like i'll date any of you are you single do you have a heartbeat i'll go for it But I think that that's why, I mean, this is one of the negative spaces, right? Where it leans into

this idea that it's impossible now for us to be fully focused on the present because everything around immediacy culture is working against us. So just say you did have that moment of weakness where you swiped right on people you wouldn't have, and then you've matched. It's like all of what you wanted four hours ago is different to what you want now because we have served content and we're served stimulus so quickly and so rapidly that things and the landscape changes so quickly. Whereas before you'd have a crush on someone and then you would go out on a date and that might be the only person that you'd been invested in for two weeks. That's all you'd think about. Well, and whether you like them or didn't like them, it was like, that's the only person

that you actually put a hundred percent of investment into. But now we're putting investment into so many people at any one time that the rapid change of pace is so quick. And I think a lot of this has to do with how we consume not just online dating but how we consume content now the fact that like you know you can sit there and scroll instagram and you get this constant hit of new information all the time and that if something hasn't grabbed your attention in five seconds you're no longer going to invest your time into it because you're like well there'll be something else that'll grab my attention there was a research study that was done that showed that on average, we can only look at a website for 40 seconds before we get distracted.

So we will only do one thing, whether it be digitally on our phones, whether that's online dating, whether that's reading an article, whether it's sitting on Instagram, whatever it is that you're doing will only capture attention for 40 seconds before you end up going somewhere else and doing something else. That seems like a long time to me. 40 seconds. How ridiculous. Yeah. There is no way, and I mean, I do have a bit of neurodivergence, but there is no way that I can look at a website for 40 seconds straight but isn't that crazy though because it's saying like we used to be able to we've been conditioned that you need to have new stimulus and then when i think you break that down into other parts of your life like you said brit this idea about well what's the

next thing especially in terms of dating you know like you'll go on a date with someone and if they haven't ticked the magical boxes that arbitrary benchmark that we sometimes set for that unicorn person then we think like okay well you know do i have something else in the bag it's almost like you know tiktok came in and the reason tiktok went bonkers is because in the first three seconds it got your attention now we all know as people that are creating content they all speak amongst themselves that within the first three seconds has to hook people in because people lose interest oh yeah there's a formula to making a good tiktok well in dating are we supposed to come in in the first three seconds and like bang out a joke to try and get their attention or are they going to

lose interest that's why your prompts are so important no but in real life when you meet someone i feel like the first three minutes because you're gonna change i feel like there's this level of pressure now that everyone's putting on because of these things like tiktok that you've got to put your best foot forward and hook them in the first three minutes or they're going to be back on their like online dating is that where the world's heading well they are that that's definitely what's happening i mean this is the dinner swiping well i i'm sure people have experienced that but i don't think that this is a new take or a hot take in terms of like as things become more immediate in our lives as we have a greater access to things as instantly

as we want them, our attention spans and our patience for waiting for something to develop is decreasing. I think that there's a correlation between those two things. I mean, that being said, we're not shitting on online dating. Britt, you met your boyfriend there. I only meet people online dating, like my entire existence. Well, I had a very good time back in the day, but I also met some shit people. There was research done by the Pew Research Center in 2019 that found that over half of the people surveyed said that their relationships where you met through a dating app were just as successful if not more successful than if you met like you know through friends or in real life yeah

of course everyone i know most people i know have met their partners online like i would say more so than not now yeah i would agree with that i and i also think because it doesn't matter what type of person you are doesn't matter whether you're extrovert or you're introverted it's kind of a bit more of an even playing field online you know you don't have to walk up to someone in a bar you don't have to try and put yourself out there in a way that feels really exposing in real life rejection is far easier to take behind a screen yeah do you guys ever think about the people who swipe left on you because like we don't think about that we don't think about the people who are like no thank you absolutely but you think about the person that you said can I get your

number and they said no you're like oh like that stays with you yeah totally I think the psychology behind this is really interesting and there is a lot about it it does go quite in depth but to keep it at a bit of a baseline this constant need for having everything right now not wanting to wait for anything not having any patience makes us always look for the next best thing we're always looking towards the future and we don't sit in the present we don't enjoy the moment we don't look around and live in this space of this is happening right now this is how I feel right now it's how am I going to feel when I get the next thing how am I going to feel when I get the next thing the idea of getting delayed gratification which is what they call it where you just have to work

so hard for something and then you finally achieve it and then you finally feel amazing that is taken away from us and we're constantly looking for immediate gratification we want something to make us feel good right now like it's like a drug and what that does is it makes us value experiences and objects less funny you say that because do you guys know andrew huberman he does the huberman lab podcast yeah one of the biggest in the world we do know him who is he again he's a neuroscientist he's at stanford university he's such a daddy as well but he knows his shit oh my god you can't call him a daddy what makes him a daddy he's known as science daddy in the science okay a lot of you guys won't know this but like this is kind of like keisha's kink

is science background because that's where she's come from back in the day she's a little science nerd i've never heard you call anyone daddy that made me feel a bit unwell it's not my i haven't called him that he's known as science daddy keisha we have this on record you just quote said he's a bit of a daddy can we tweet him at human you're a daddy come on hashtag science daddy let's try and get him on the board my heart rate just went up thinking about that i absolutely love him she's just slipping off the seat so i listen to a lot about rewards and it's interesting you say that it's kind of like a drug because it genuinely is so the circuitry in the brain that has to do with our reward he speaks a lot about this and about our need to delay gratification so i won't

get too sciencey but basically our constant need to get a reward ends up lowering our baseline dopamine so it kind of means that we end up not enjoying the process enough all we're after is that dopamine hit from the reward but when you consistently do that over and over and over again like a drug you need bigger things to fill that up i think the thing that's important though is that we're talking about this as though people are out there like that we're actively seeking the instant reward. I think it's really important to kind of acknowledge it's not that you're going out or that I'm going out and I'm actively seeking to be like, I want a dopamine hit now. It's been 30 seconds. The world is working against you. TikTok is working against you.

All the things that we experience now, the fact that we have access to stuff without having to wait for anything, as much as it is an absolute blessing, it is so convenient. I will never give up my Uber Eats. It also works in the detriment that you're not going out there looking for a hit, but you're getting it anyway. Everything that has been created on Facebook, everything that's been created on social media, the way that dating apps have been designed are to feed into this instantaneous gratification. Yeah. But on what Keisha's saying is I totally understand what she's saying. She's not saying a reward, like you run a marathon and you get the trophy. It doesn't have to be this big, all consuming event. It can be as small and insignificant as you're sitting at

home and you're like, Oh, I've got a chocolate craving. I'll go to the fridge, get a chocolate. that chocolate is your reward that is your instant fix and there is evidence to say that when you are constantly rewarding yourselves so quickly without working for it the reward doesn't hit the same so over time you do get less of this dopamine hit it doesn't feel as good as if you haven't had chocolate for three weeks and then you know that in your head I'm gonna have that chocolate when I finish cleaning the house on the weekend it hits different because you've taken it away you've worked a bit harder for it and it's not the instant gratification now there is science behind that and i think that there's really something to be said for them yeah science daddy talks about it all the

time science daddy science daddy loves delayed gratification okay so for anyone who doesn't know what delayed gratification is though because i think that that's a really important thing to kind of establish properly so it's a very fucking simple concept truly but delayed gratification being something that people who are very successful in work or in their relationships high earner incomes use it without really necessarily realizing that they use it and it basically just links back into this concept of self-control right so like we're all gonna be exposed to temptations every single day in all different variations and that is basically how immediacy culture works but delayed gratification is having the self-control to say I'm gonna say

no to this temptation because I have a bigger goal in mind so maybe I mean let's put it into terms of relationships for a second maybe you are with someone and you're like yes we're gonna be together and we're gonna have kids together and we're gonna get married and we've got all these great big end goals like that's what you want for your life as a couple and then your partner is going out drinking every fucking Monday through to Sunday even though he's saying I want these big life things and I'm sure he does want these big life things but the behavior on the day-to-day is what's getting in the way of being able to achieve those big life things and it's the giving into temptation whether it's drinking whether it's fucking hooking up with someone else whatever it

is that's a pretty extreme example but it's the temptation that stops you being able to achieve that greater goal there was a really interesting study that's done on this exact concept but it was done in children but they found that it kind of mimicked what adults behave like as well where they had i can't remember who did the research but there was a kid in a room and a researcher came in and said here's a marshmallow i'm gonna go out and do something and if i come back in and this marshmallow is still here and you haven't eaten it you can have another one so you can have two you can have two so the reward's gonna be better if you wait they basically were filming these kids the whole time and they were trying to determine like how many of these

children have the concept of if i delay this you know literal reward of the marshmallow i'm gonna get something bigger in return and they found that it actually mimicked the patterns of adults as well but obviously not with marshmallows with much bigger things like careers and things that you want really badly, like you said, relationships. I think this is so interesting. And one of the reasons why we're going to speak to psychologist Sandy Ray in a second is because I think about, I mean, we grew up in a society where we've straddled both. We've straddled having to wait for things and we've straddled immediacy culture, right? We know how convenient our lives are now because of technology. But we also lived in a time where, guess what? If you wanted something,

you usually had to wait for it. If you wanted to, I don't know, send a bloody letter, you couldn't send an email you had to go to the post office you had to write a postcard like if you wanted to do an assignment we had to go to the library and go and get out the thesaurus and sit there in the library and underline shit like we didn't have it as immediately as what the new generation does and our parents obviously had it way slower than what we did but the thing it makes me think about is what is that impact going to be on kids our children who we're raising who are growing up in a world where they literally can have anything as soon as they want it what does that mean when the time comes in life for the big things maybe it's fertility maybe it's finding a relationship

I don't know it doesn't always have to be about relationships but those big milestones that sometimes you can't have as soon as you want them being at the top of your career you can't have it as soon as you want it because it's something that you have to work towards there's a process but when we're conditioning children to think you can have something immediately because that is literally how the world works right now I don't know how we build that in kids I don't know how we build patience in kids can i bring up something really ironic and quite hilarious that we haven't mentioned everyone listening to this right now and us recording this right now this is a podcast this is available immediately as you want it you can pause it if you need to go and do something

in between or if you turn off your car and you want to go upstairs like we feed into immediacy culture we created a podcast because we wanted people to be able to be like i want to listen on my dog walk this morning and i get to choose when i do that and if you compare that to traditional media of radio you had to be in the car at the right time you know you'd have the ads and the songs playing and you didn't really have so much of a choice of it yeah think of how annoying it is i'm like what your radio show no yeah which you can also listen to in our podcast feed whenever you want in case you don't want to get in the car at a certain time think of how annoying it is and this was my suck a few episodes ago my suite was this show you that came out my suck was that they

only released a few and then they paused it then they're going to release the second half of the series in a couple weeks that was my suck because I was like I want it now literally on this podcast my suck was something wasn't available to me immediately and there's an idea of the podcast too it's like yes it's available for you to come and go in an episode but there is a part of you that's like I want the next podcast now we still crave it it is never enough and when I think personally how this has affected me i 100 think that i'm such a disorganized person because of the availability of anything i need if things weren't available to me i'm talking about i book appointments at the last minute i pay my regos and insurance at the ninth hour after having a

fucking dig at me i know i submit everything at the i pack i everything i book flights last minute I do everything I'm so ridiculously disorganized because I know that I can be because there's always a way to access something at any time of the day whereas if if nothing was available for even buying bridesmaids dresses for my sister's wedding I did it at the last minute because I know somewhere there'll be someone that would deliver something to me in a day I don't have to think months ahead and plan and if there were problems with that order you could chat to a chat bot exactly if it wasn't the right time for someone to actually be manning the office you'd chat to a chat bot and it'd probably get you everything that you need but I think where is

the line though because the problem is is that the more that we lean into it the more that we expect things like when you say chat bot it's like you want an answer to your problem now like when we have something that pops into our brain that we're like fuck that's an issue like if you send an email to someone you expect them to get back to you within the same working day like it's frustrating when somebody takes their time to get back to an email we expect this always on always accessible to pretty much everything in our life and it's like where is the limit to that where is it that we get to a point where it's like people shouldn't have to always be so on things shouldn't have to be always so available to cater to this impossible level of accessibility sandy welcome back to life

uncut you are a friend of the podcast you're a frequent flyer it has been a hot second though but thanks for jumping back on today my pleasure good to see you both now we were talking about this whole idea of immediacy culture and we were like sitting there and having a conversation about it as friends but we thought you know what it's probably important to get on someone who actually knows what it is that they're talking about can you give us a bit of an overview what is delayed gratification and why is it so important in how we exercise like self-control well delayed gratification is as the name implies it's about actually turning things in your life and saying I need to wait I need to measure I need to pace things out so it means that we get rather than

being impulsive and creating a world of immediacy and emptiness, and I'll get onto that down the track, but it means that we have a, I guess, a tolerance to pace our lives in a measurable way. And why is that pacing so important? By having, you know, a lot of gratification that's really immediate, it teaches our brains, right, we're on, we're on. There's no boundaries, there's no controls, there's expectations in how we conduct ourselves in relationships, there's expectations of how a career should fulfill us if it doesn't add up really quickly we exit i was just having a little giggle then because it's so ironic us talking about this right now immediacy culture but we had a big scheduling change this week so we actually messaged you late last night to see

if you could jump on and and we were like hey we need to immediately back on but can you get back to us right now late at night and can it be tomorrow morning and this has to happen right now yes yes i can do that and you're like absolutely what's it about and we're like volcano immediacy culture. It's very ironic that we're like, we need to speak about this because this is a real problem in society. But I mean, we're guilty of it ourselves in everyday life. And I do wonder how detrimental it is without us knowing subconsciously, because it has so many positives, the accessibility and availability of anything you need, clothing for a wedding tomorrow, food that you want right now. We even had this milk run, which you could send any one

item to your house. I used Milk Run five times a week. I was so guilty of pressing a button and wanting my dog's food here in 15 minutes because I didn't even want to leave the house. And online dating, everything is accessible, which obviously comes with its positives. But what do you think are the other negatives that, you know, what's the flip side of having everything at our fingertips all the time? Well, I think the flip side, one is, you know, all those things that you've talked about. But I think also on the flip side is this capacity to self-soothe and self-regulate. And tell me if I'm boring you to tears. I may have mentioned it one other time. But I think the one of the greatest gifts that we can give our children and in relationships you know adolescence

and then becoming adults is this idea of learning to self-regulate and self-soothe so that when children don't get their own way do we say yes here you go have it have it just shut up here's a mcdonald's eat whatever you like do whatever you like but that's really doing an injustice because how they then grow up and enter into relationships becomes really problematic about how they manage themselves, conduct themselves, how they expect to be looked after in the work environment. But I think also it really instills a great sense of disappointment. My partner doesn't match up to my needs.

You're out. My expectations. Yeah, I expect something to be done now. It's not done. Now, now, now. And, you know, you become almost, and again, I've seen this probably many times, this empty vessel of a person. Fill me up.

Fill me up. And it's always the onus is on a partner. a job, makeup, clothes and of course we all love that immediacy and we all love to be you know kept in the loop with ideas and gossip and stories and things like that but also it really leads to almost what I would call a risk of becoming a vacuous self. There's this emptiness because you can't tolerate the pain of actually being on your own, not being in the loop, sitting with yourself and in fact a lot of you know psychological health you know when people go I'm feeling so depressed or scared or anxious and I go you know what you actually have to learn

to sit with a level of psychological pain that's part of growing up if you're sad for a few days that's normal so I think this idea of gratification is okay let's have a quick fix with drugs if I'm feeling sad I'll go and get pissed for the night I'll go out raging have wild sex that will ameliorate some of the pain and this is all part of that gratification train ride I think so I just think that we really need to give some thought about well what is it like just to sit with ourselves what is the worst fear that I have what is wrong with not having some control in my life we were talking about this earlier and something that I and this was more of a self-reflective thing I've described myself in the past and I think I've worked through it quite a bit but I

was quite codependent in my past relationships do you think that for people who struggle with codependency that they have a higher threshold to sort of fall into trouble with this sort of immediacy culture not having good boundaries not being able to kind of tolerate that alone time as you say that's a really good point I was going to ask you first of all the psychologist steps in what do you mean by codependency personally I struggled being on my own and I would always find somebody to fill that space I always had to have some sort of external validation and I think when I was in my 20s I really struggled to find the validation within myself and that discomfort it I couldn't and didn't like being on my own I hadn't done the self-work I guess enough to

understand that that's what I was doing but that is absolutely looking back how I soothed myself it's good I mean it's a perfect introduction to the topic it's great and I think that's really what's going on now you know look at tinder look at the likes that we get look at the validation that we often seek and I think that this whole idea of I've got to be resolved in my psychological health or relationship health now and immediately and i don't want to have to do the hard yards if i had a magic pill i would give it to you but the idea of understanding it takes time it's like it's like when we have to look after our children our children don't turn out a perfect end product it takes lots of trial and error and you know discussing with our partners how we want our

children to be so i think that this really this idea of self-gratification and self well not self-medication, but soothing ourselves is really a priority. Asenda, you are a behavioral psychologist. So this is something that, I mean, I would love to know more about, and that is, I'm not a parent, so I can't talk to it, but I'm interested how important giving your child everything they want, whenever they want is in their development and how that affects the child growing up. So should we be giving a child anything they want and anything they ask for and anything they demand just to shut them up? Because I know a lot of people that are parents they're like I know I shouldn't be doing it but I just want a peace

and quiet for one minute so I give them the iPad I give them the burger I give them the ice cream whatever they want what effects does that have on a child growing up I think it very much teaches how the child from very early age conducts themselves how they see their self-image how they see they can manage their psychological health if they cry and have a tantrum do we have the time to sit with that tantrum and i think this part is a music culture because we've got parents who are going tap tap tap tap be quiet so you're not being mindful and we've all i mean i've got three girls we've all been there what it's like to be pressed for time and prioritizing you've got kids rambling around and there's a difference between you know short term giving

them things to be quiet blah blah blah put the tv on sure give an ipad whatever but overall we really have to be very diligent in ensuring that we don't produce entitled brats. Because entitled brats grow up to be obnoxious teenagers who grow up to generally be arseholes in partnerships and in romantic relationships. Are they all the technical terms? Entitled brats, arseholes? Relationships a bit too much. Do you think with the advances in technology and with this whole idea that, you know, majoritively we can have whatever we want whenever we want it, do you think that that's impacting our ability as adults to be patient and to feel patient with our children with our work with our friends absolutely I mean and I'm just thinking even now just my brain's

just jumping around as you've just said we talked about disappointment of expectations both in ourselves in relationships in careers work-life balance all those sort of things absolutely it impacts but as you're talking I'm also thinking of things like even currently you know the chat GPT what does that tell us about the world that we're living in I've got to get an essay done i'm going to go on to chat gpt we don't learn critical thinking skills we don't learn discipline we don't learn any of the sense you know you've got to study and apply yourself so i think there's a whole package there of what do we want in ourselves as a result of accessing information constantly you've heard of intrinsic motivation extrinsic motivation no okay so very quickly so

intrinsic motivation is everything is internally driven and you set your own expectations and management what pulls you to do a particular thing and that involves delayed gratification so as you know you know when you study you know I'm currently doing my PhD and I'm in my third year now and I don't think I've had barely a day of gratification yeah you're like get me to that end goal it's really delayed you know I sit here every day doing something and you're like that dopamine hit but it hit me hard it's really I'm hoping by the end stretch it's really going to be kicking you and giving you some reward. It's the idea of this intrinsic motivation that pulls you, your self-worth, your self-esteem. It's something that you want to do. And the delayed

gratification is enormous. So you have to find out what is it that in life, and this is one of the joys that we give our kids, is what joy can they find in their world? How do you link this back? And I think something that we spoke about a little bit is when we live in an immediate culture that tells us you can have anything whenever you want it, you become fixated on having whatever it is that's next you know it's it's very disposable and also that's just the byproduct of being the capitalist society that we are you can get anything you want online and you can get it really really fast but what is there in terms of focusing more on the process towards something or breaking things down in terms of the process to create a product or the process to achieve something as a way of

being able to reframe ourselves to focus less on the end goal but on the actual journey to get there And you've used a really good word there, Laura, the journey to get there. And I think this idea of this constant connectivity is really something that's quite debilitating for a lot of us. We've all heard of people who go, I'm challenging myself to get off Instagram for three hours a night. And I think that really, again, this idea of self-soothing is very threatening to a lot of people.

What does it look like if I'm not constantly connected? Who do I miss out? you know, we could talk about, you know, FOMO, great big neon sign for a lot of people. They're worried about, do they have the right clothes? Do they have the right makeup? Are they mixing in the right circles? Who's getting what? What have I missed out on? And I think that this whole connectivity thing undermines a lot of people's capacity, shall I say, to look after themselves. But in the end, it's a lean in on everybody else the whole time. So actually starting to set some discipline in your life is one way of doing that and that sounds really harsh and school teacher-ish

but we talk about if I want to get fit it requires discipline and for some reason people get a little bit aghast when you talk about mental health which is what all this is actually about. People get a little bit sort of affronted. What do you mean mental health requires discipline? Well yes mental health actually does require discipline just in the same way as physical health. So if you want to get off this immediacy culture this constant need for validation affirmation connectivity it's going to require some reflexivity so reflexivity means looking inward what do i need what am i wasting my time on what do i need to do what do i want out of relationships you know you talked about before about a codependent relationship how did you break that cycle

well i imagine it required a lot of self-discipline on your behalf she got married he's always there now I had two children and got married yeah I agree but I feel like I wasn't as reflective it wasn't like I came to this big fork in the road and I realized and then I changed my ways I was very lucky that things changed in my life and then reflecting back they were good changes but I don't think that we can be as hopeful that things just work out because often they don't well they don't and this is exactly to my point it actually requires discipline so if you're constantly having this sense of emptiness that I'm not getting what I want not getting where I need what is it and it's a really big challenge you know when I got divorced many years ago I

remember thinking how do I want my life to work and I've got three girls what do they need from me and amongst all the tears and the drama and the distress of a divorce I had a very clear vision of what I needed to be. And first of all, I thought, well, I have to be the primary income earner. I have to go back and study because that's probably what I'm best at is studying and then working.

So I thought, well, that'll be a good investment. And so I actually took time to really sit and reflect, how do I want this family now to run? As an adult, how do we self-soothe? What are some tips you could give people that you need to be more present, more in the now and not rely on that instant gratification? I think one of the first things I would go to is,

what are you most vulnerable about? What are the vulnerabilities in your life? Because when you're the opposite of control, which is often manifested in anxiety, is vulnerability. So rather than looking at the anxiety, I would look at the vulnerabilities, which should give you some insight as to what controls you need to put in. So if you're vulnerable, for instance, to drinking a lot, whatever it is, if you find that you're on a constant turntable of relationships, that they're always dissatisfying that you're not getting the man how come i you know how many times do we hear people say i always seem to meet the same sort of person well you always make the same sort of person and end up in shitty relationships because you are behaving in the same way you're doing the

same things over and over and it takes someone to be challenged and saying if you want the same outcome continue the same way. So, you know, looking at your vulnerabilities in terms of what is it that I need to shake up? And I think that's probably the most immediate answer that I can give to that. And as a psychologist, that's also what I say to my clients. What are your vulnerabilities? What is it that's not working? And why are you so stuck that you're coming to see me? And if I could say one thing, if all of this is to empower women to be able to look after themselves that's really one of my overarching therapeutic goals and talking to other women it's to not make themselves vulnerable and disabled to anxiety or can't control my life

and I might sound a bit tough or a bit harsh but it's really because I really want women to be able to look after themselves well you know we never end an episode without our suck and our sweet our highlight and our low light of the week Laura Johnson-Byrne do you want to kick it off i'm not a johnson burn just a burn okay like i mean i'll go by it it's fine i'm not gonna say don't call me that but like you just did so yeah no because it just feels weird johnson burn is such a long one also let's not skim over the fact that johnson burn is like a burning johnson like a john yeah but only if you say burning burn a burning johnson a big burning penis yeah is what comes to mind ben actually asked me this week he's like would you if we got married cute because

we talk about that yeah i'm not blushing you're blushing no that's it's actually it's not cute cute sounds patronizing it's so nice that you guys even though it's early on but you're doing this long distance that you're having those conversations totally and it's like seems it's purposeful you know but it was like would you want to be a hockley seacrest or a seacrest hockley like would you want to hyphenate and i don't know and then we were talking about you that's why i came up i think you just be a hockley and not change my name and not change well i feel like you might change it personally in your personal life but i don't think you would change it in your media life i think that's what i got to i think i would change it officially but then

if you're lazy like me and hate paperwork you just never change anything and that's where i'm at because if i had kids i think i'd want the same name as them oh yeah well getting into suck and sweet my suck for the week is as you guys know that i'm training for ninja warrior um my schedule's been so back to back that backflip you did when you came in was crazy yeah i'm getting fucking ripped guys that backflip that you did and landed in the chair to record today i know that was impressive i also at my upper body strength is like bananas now i can pretty much hang from the ceiling for four hours i love it yeah okay so i am training for something i will keep on bread crumbing you but i am getting so fit my fitness is like especially considering i've not done any

exercise for two and a half years that's amazing so that's i mean that's probably more sweet but my suck my suck is is that every single moment of my day at the moment if i'm not here if i'm not with my kids i'm training like it's taking up a lot of my physical time and energy and space and i really really desperately needed to book in to get a haircut but i couldn't sacrifice going and spending two and a half hours getting my hair cut your hair oh just like you know that you've got to drive there you've got to get your hair anyway i was like i don't have two and a half hours midweek to give to getting my hair cut at the moment i just don't so i complained to matt about being too busy and he was like i'll cut your hair so he did and that's why one half of

your head is shaved friday night after a couple of wines matt cut my hair and to be fair he did a very good job like i'm surprised by how even it is i haven't seen the back yet so i don't know for certain if it's even it's supposed to be layered right it's not a blog concept it's supposed to be a mullet was that what we were going for do you know you're shaved at the back an undercut so he cut my hair and I think he did a good job but my suck is just the fact that I've had to get to the point in life where my partner's cutting my hair I cut my own hair last week I trimmed it but I'm embarrassed to say it's just because I'm lazy I actually have the time to go to the hairdresser but I was just like oh it looks uneven I'll just trim it but you've got

hair extension so you can kind of get away with it but you're not actually cutting your physical hair like if you fuck that up you can take them out and get new ones put in and you're fine yeah This is my, this is, I got nowhere to go. I got nowhere to hide, people. No, actually, he's done a good job. So that should be your sweet. Matt needs to have a change of career. Hairdressing.

He's very good at it. I love that. He also cuts the kids' hair as well. Molly only has been to the hairdresser's once in her little life. I love that. But he cuts her hair. I mean, don't you remember growing up? My mum used to cut all four of us kids' hair.

We used to get the bowl and the fringe went straight across. I had like the head. Did she actually put a bowl on you? Or was it just the bowl cut? For the fringe it was. No, she put it across the front because it would make the fringe pretty even. yeah yeah yeah so like I've experienced that okay budget at home haircuts all right no but my sweet for the week is that I went out for dinner with my sister and also with one of my gorgeous she

was my staff but she's also a really good friend of mine who moved to Adelaide and that's why we were talking about Adelaide on Friday night and that was so nice so that's you know why I had to cut my hair yeah I cut my hair oh nah look man there's some bits there's some bits that are not in line Keisha look but you've got to look pretty close to see it the face again they're like oh if your hair was dead straight it'd be more obvious because you've got some little natural waves in there yeah it's good when your hair is already ragged and you're still suffering from postpartum hair fall it means no one can tell anyway continue what's your suck okay my suck this week is and I love that I have to relate my life like it's yours I have to really spend

some quality time with Delilah my dog this week because I've been away so much she goes to produce a key show or she goes to a dog walker yeah she doesn't even know that you're her mother anymore she today was the first time she's been really off me so she came home this morning literally came up to me and I imagine her internal monologue was like looks me up and down and was like hey mom and then just walked away she's a teenager now as well so she was like fuck you mom she was I'm gonna have to win her over with some fresh salmon tonight but she uh she was off me and it was upsetting because then sherry came out of the room and she was all over her and loved her and she made a real point of excluding me today i felt really excluded in my own home by my dog

and i realized saying this out loud now how ridiculous it is not ridiculous it's actually very very relatable i feel like that by my own children all the time so i think it's completely the same but i actually read a study this week coincidentally was it about plants i'm really I've read in the studies, dogs genuinely judge their owners in terms of they do. They judge you with what you're doing. If they think you're doing something embarrassing or inappropriate, there's actually studies that say they judge you. So the little bitch is judging me.

Yeah. Anyway, that's my side. And you can call her a little bitch because she is. Yeah, literally. She's a bitch. She's a bitch. Yeah, so before anyone writes a headline saying I'm being mean to my dog. Laura called Brittany's dog a bitch.

I can't wait for someone to be like, why is Laura so mean to Brittany's dog? Anyway, continue. Laura ruins everything. Laura ruins everything. but to be fair like i've ruined things heaps in the past if you yeah if you read reviews like people we've both ruined stuff i don't care we take it in time in turns so i don't want you to feel alone in the ruining stuff because i'm ruining this too yeah i've ruined heaps of stuff if you listen to some people okay what is your sweet for the week my sweet for the week has

happened but also hasn't happened but ben officially is coming to australia not to live to visit in a few weeks for how long he'll be here for about two and a half to three weeks and then i will go back over with him for our mid-year break for a couple of weeks so he's coming in june yeah really really soon and so he's just he only just decided not decided but he was given the green light yesterday so he's booking the flight and he's coming to australia so i'm like nervous excited i don't know why i'm nervous because it's my world now like i've been over to his world so much but i mean you guys will get to know him properly and i get i don't know but i feel a lot of pressure like i have to sell australia to him so that he wants to live here

forever you need to get rid of the spiders that are in your house then oh yeah he's bringing his own um lavender spray he's convinced that you spray lavender on the doors and it stops the spiders coming switzerland doesn't have any killer animals they just have like cows and stuff so he's a bit concerned about he thinks that you walk down the street there's like an alligator and then you you put your toe in the ocean and there's a shark like he's convinced that there's just these killer animals everywhere. I mean, to be fair, there are. Just don't go to North Queensland. Anyway, guys. That is it

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