Life Uncut - If you don't ask you don't get

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Askers v Guessers, the 3 month mark debate and suction self pleasure. Hey Lifers!Today we are diving into asking whether you're an 'asker' or a 'guesser!'Or whether perhaps you exist on the scale and it changes depending on who you're interacting with!It's likely that you fit more into one category than the other, in a similar way to how you'd likely sit more in one camp of extraversion or introversion.First up though, we jump into the semi-viral question of whether or not you should fully commit to someone before the 3 month mark. Do you really know a person before this time or is it completely situational?We also have a listener update on whether or not it's okay to share sex toys with your friends!If you are looking for more information - where to buy merch, tickets to our live show or to pre order the book 'We Love Love,' visit our website.If you loved the episode, you know the drill - Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love... because.... WE LOVE LOVE!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Brittany.

Hi Brittany. How are you going today on this beautiful day? It's probably the first sunny day that we have had in Bondi in maybe five years. Well, I don't think it's, let's just not segue to Bondi. I think it's all of Sydney. Sydney has been rain central. It has. Did you read?

It's going to be like the second La Nina and rain apparently. Is it La Nina or La Nino or El Nino? Is that it? We're looking at Keisha. We're like, Keisha. It's the third La Nina. Yeah, La Nina. What did you call it, La Nino?

La Nino. Lo Nino. It's a Lo Nino. It's like the long lost brother of La Nina. Anyway, it's the one and only sunny day that we've had in forever and we're spending it inside podcasting because we love you all. Keisha and I went on a walk this morning. oh please tell me what happened well we had an event for war we both walked separately then we

met up in we exchanged Delilah halfway so I went for a run with Delilah ran past an ex and I was like lol ran past an ex awkward moment pretended I didn't see him because that's obviously what you do do you if you walk past or run past or whatever you don't even just give like the nice nod you know the nod of you've been inside me we used to be in love with each other and now we pretend like we don't know each other nod like it depends on the situation and it depends on the x why they're an x how long like it's very dependent if i see them coming with enough time i will pretend i've taken a phone call i will look i will text i will pretend i've waved to someone elsewhere just if hopefully there's someone else around that i'm pretending to wait to i will avoid them i don't

want the awkwardness but a fine x that i just like hooked up with a few times or whatever i will be like hey how you going that's fine there's nothing more cutting though there's nothing more cutting than seeing an ex when you're out on a walk and just completely ignoring them and them ignoring you. Like, you know that you've seen each other. Totally. And you know that the other person's walking past thinking, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Well, he definitely saw me and I obviously saw him because I'm telling the story, but I pretended I didn't. But where this is going is when I met back up with Keisha to swap Delilah over, I told, I said, hi, I've just run into this person, blah, blah, blah. The exchange of the co-parenting dog. Yeah, so Keisha, the same thing happened to Keisha, but this I mean this isn't funny I'm not saying it's funny but the way Keisha told the story she

was like laughing but laughing out of like why do people do this and it just got me thinking now Keisha a few months ago was dating this person they were hitting it off I met this person right I met this guy out when we were out one night and he was like raving about Keisha he's like I'm so into your friend like she's amazing blah blah they're really vibing so it was all signals ago So then after about almost about three months, Mark, he did the, it's not you, it's me. I'm not ready for a relationship. You're great.

It's not you. It's the soft exit, one might call that. Yeah, I don't want a relationship right now. So that's always really hard to hear, right? Because if you do want that or you're vibing and you think it's going really well, it's always hard to hear. Well, you weren't here for this, but we spoke about this on Ask Uncut a couple of weeks back, Britt, whilst you were off frolicking

in South America recording the challenge. So Matt and I spoke about this. We are strong believers and we were united on the front that if someone tells you that they're just too busy, they're not ready for a relationship, it's just code for it's not me, it's you. I just don't want to be with you. Yeah, well, turns out that's right.

So Keisha's like, okay, cool, that's okay. But then today on her walk she ran into him and not only did she run into him, literally smack bang into him, but this is like, I don't know, six weeks after with his new girlfriend. Oh, see, I told you. This is what happens. I would say 90% of the time when they say, oh, like, you know, it's just not the right time in my life.

I'm too busy with work. I can't be in a relationship. It's usually just code for this is not the right relationship. 100%. It's like a soft exit. Poor producer Keisha is sitting here right now. Keisha, it's not you. Let's just say.

It is. No. And I said this to Keisha. We both had a moment this morning. We were both laughing with each other but laughing a bit like of a distressed laugh where we were like, what? you know because like stuff like this has been happening to me a lot lately as well and we're like what's wrong with us like what we had that moment for a second where we're like

what's wrong with us then we're like hang on a minute nothing is wrong with us it's them but it brings me to this point of this would have been a different moment today when she ran into him with his new girlfriend if he had have just said I think you're great but I don't feel like it's going anywhere long term with us yeah and I guess the big thing with that though is that people are so hesitant to hurt someone's feelings so instead of giving the truth they give the softest version of the truth. Actually, weirdly, this was not a setup, but this does lead us into what we're talking about today, which is called askers and guessers. Strap in because I know 99.9% of you will have no idea what that even means, but we will unpack it in a little while. But I think in

these situations, so many people don't want to offend someone. But this actually brings me to something that I read recently, and I would love to get your opinion on this. It's gone semi-viral on the socials. This idea that three month mark is a really significant timeframe in a relationship. And basically there's this theory or, and I'm, I mean, it's, I'm sure it's not backed by much science, but it's this idea that you shouldn't fully commit to someone until you reach the three month mark of a relationship. Now there's a couple of reasons for this. One is because once you hit the three month mark, it's enough of an amount of time that the rose colored glasses have kind of come off and you start to see the relationship for what it actually is and see that person for

who they are but also there's a bit more of like a darker side to it as well like if you're dating someone who is narcissistic or who is manipulative or who is able to mask their personality it's usually around the three month mark that that starts to come undone as well and you really start to see who the person is when you say you shouldn't commit fully until the three month mark what do you mean by that do you mean like you shouldn't say that you're in a committed relationship Yeah, just be dating lots of other people at the same time. Are you out there banging Frank on a Saturday night? Who the fuck is banging Frank?

Someone is. Well, Frank, someone's banging Frank on a Saturday night. But does this just mean like, yeah, what are the specifics of that? Just saying like let's casually date for the three-month mark? Okay, obviously this isn't a gold standard. Yeah, it's not like a – well, maybe it is the gold standard, but it's not a steadfast rule. I'm sure there are so many people listening to this who are like,

I was exclusive after two weeks, got married after two months, and we're happily together. but the thing is is that for so many people if you get caught up in the early stages of the relationship and at that point in time when you've only just met someone when you're like one month into dating you're not actually in love with the person you're in love with you're in love with the potential after a month once yeah but I think okay I think at one month you're in love with the potential of who that person in that relationship can be like you're in love with all the things that could happen. But truly at one month mark, you don't necessarily know that

person very well and they could end up being somebody entirely different. And if they don't end up being someone different, you're lucky and you got really lucky. But we don't know someone at the four week mark. You simply don't. How could you possibly? This, look, I agree with you. I'm not saying I agree with like the, you know, don't fully commit for the three months because I've definitely done that before. I mean, I'm a romantic. We know that. So I think she's going with your whole heart but you need to go in with your brain as well and that's what I think it is you don't want to be completely sucked in by the chemistry that you're going to feel because we all know that at the start of a relationship it's that honeymoon feeling it's the obsession it's

the chemistry you can't be sucked in by that you can embrace that for sure like go nuts have all the sex all the love all the endorphins do it all but just use your brain at the same time and I think back I mean you guys all remember when I started dating Jordan that happened very very fast so we we fell head over heels in love after about four or five weeks we spent every day together he pretty much moved into my house unofficially we were together for only about three-ish months before he left so this is a really interesting subject that you brought up Laura because the three-month mark is literally when he left so I often think well what would have happened if he did stay here would it have stayed as amazing as it was did we only not work

out because of the distance did things change because of the three month mark or did they change because it was long distance these are questions I mean I'm never going to know the answer to but I think like it's interesting isn't it because of course long distance adds an entirely different element and layer to it right but that puts an another amount of stress on it but I do remember and tell me to shut up if you don't want to share this but I do remember it was around the three month mark and Jordan had just shortly left and I remember that that you were feeling like you hadn't been reassured enough you know like you were feeling upset about him not being contactable and feeling like the distance was upsetting you and the thing was is he didn't need

as much reassurance around the distance he didn't need as much contact as what you needed so there was this difference in the way the two of you communicated which maybe it would have come out at some point obviously long distance put that under a lot of pressure but I do think that when you get to this as soon as like the that that honeymoon phase of just pure intensity wears away and you start to see someone for exactly who they are that's when you actually get the opportunity to be like yes you are someone who I can see myself spending the rest of my life with potentially or wow a lot of the things that you do give me the fucking ick and I guess one of the things when I read this through and I read all the reasons around why you should really take it slow for

those initial three months before completely committing yourself or throwing yourself into a relationship is it takes me back to the very messed up relationship I had with someone who not going to diagnose because you know, I'm not a doctor, but there are a lot of telltale signs that he had narcissistic personality disorder. And I think for three months, he was so good at masking who he was. He was the perfect boyfriend. He was the perfect everything. He was just so interested in me so available he loved bombed the shit out of me like he honestly was just everything I had ever wanted in a relationship and then that slowly started to erode after the three months mark I was like that like the fucking glasses fell off and it became very real who he

was as a person and so that's what I mean by this idea that you can mask and be on your best behavior but you can't do that forever so it's funny the first I mean like I started to read up about this as well the first year so the three months are obviously crucial but the first year is actually referred to as a discovery year or like a discovery stage because for the first entire year like and I mean hopefully longer than a year I hope that one day and if I ever make a relationship that long I hope that I am discovering things every day but the idea is that it's the discovery year because every single day you learn something new about your partner and this is why it's so hard because the first three months of the intimacy stage right the obsession the love bombing the sex the

chemistry everything then the rest of that year is the discovery stage so you realize like okay yes I'm obsessed but now I need to figure out if I continuously like this person yes I'm obsessed but he certainly or she certainly leaves her underwear inside her pants on the floor in front of the washing basket right there that's that's the problem yeah so then what a discovery so then the one year and then the three year mark so it's three months one year and three years this is what experts say like when you have your little speed bumps what is supposed to happen at the three-year mark I find that one interesting because I feel like the three-year mark is when a lot of couples and I space this on the fact that we get hundreds of ask uncut questions that come in I get the

feeling that the three-year mark is when people really are making that decision around marriage if you're in a monogamous relationship the decision around marriage and for a lot of people it's like do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person it's the big question yeah well they call that like an evolution of like an intimacy love why can i say intimacy well intimacy intimacy it's the difference between like an intimacy love and a mature love this is where it changes this is where it changes to those do i want to have this beautiful mature love the three-year mark when you can't be bothered to have sex anymore that's exactly it that is exactly it but it's high i got a headache moving back to the three-month mark there are some tell

tail signs now this isn't me that have said this but this is you know this is the interweb signs that your relationship might not make it past the three month mark now I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you some of them number one first and foremost your partner isn't consistent with their communication and what this means is do you usually talk and text most days and you might send your memes you might respond to stuff on Instagram whatever it is right you have a consistent communication style then all of a sudden they go ay you don't see them they've disappeared might just be for an afternoon they might not respond to something might be for two days whatever it is this inconsistency is a sign that maybe they're drifting away maybe they're getting bored maybe they're not

as into you as you are into them I also think with inconsistency as well and especially when it rears itself at that sort of like early phase in a relationship it really shows you where you lie in that person's priorities and it really shows you like how they treat the people that they keep close to them because as for anyone who's ever been love bombed if you have gone through a phase of love bombing and then there's an inconsistent phase what happens to you is that it actually the person who's been love bombed and then they've received the inconsistency it makes you latch on harder it makes you want that person even more and so it actually binds you to them and makes you work harder for the relationship rather than taking a step back especially if it's at this

three-month mark and going whoa whoa whoa whoa what the fuck has happened here so I'm kind of like saying this for anyone who has gotten to the three month mark in a relationship and they're seeing that this person is behaving inconsistently just check yourself if you are feeling oh my god I need to like reattach and latch on harder I think if anything take a step back and figure out like the why behind it for some reason I feel like you're talking to me right now I know I have a few feelings there's a few things going on behind the scenes I feel like you're giving me like a subliminal message. Welcome to the counselling session of Laura versus Brittany.

Okay. What's number two? Your partner isn't their genuine self around you. So by the three-month mark, you should be very comfortable with each other. You should be – I mean, like you should be doing this anyway. You should be able to say exactly what you think. You should be able to give your opinions. You should be able to text as many times as you want.

If you want a quadruple text, you quadruple text. Like those days are gone. Mate, I'll do a ten text. I mean, I did do a four text recently and Laura and Keisha were like, whoa, and I was like, well, I felt like it was warranted. Because it's early days for you, babe. You're not at the point where you can send four texts in a row, let's be sure.

Apparently I am. Somebody's coming on a little bit strong. Number three. Number three. They don't invite you to hang out with their friends. This is a biggie. this is a very big telltale sign that they're not that into you because if you are that obsessed and in love and happy and wanting to go places by three months you are wanting to

immerse someone into your life and you're wanting to be immersed into their life you want to know their friends you want to know their family because that also tells you a lot about who they are as a person the way they interact with other people their family life their social life that is a really big thing in a relationship well you have do you have aligned values do you guys want to do the same things. What are they like when they're with the boys? What's she like when they're with the girls? It just also like, it's completely reflective of their investment. And this is what I spoke about with Matt when I dated, okay, the guy I dated for a year who was in a situation ship who ended up breaking up with me and then getting with a girl straight afterwards

who he's now marrying. But I digress. So he never, in that year, we never did anything with his family, which was very weird because he owned his, he owned a restaurant with his brothers, like his family and him were very close but I never ever met them and I never ever spent any time with them but I spent you know three days a week with him so I always you know especially when we got to like the year mark I was like it is very clear and especially when things like birthdays had come and gone Christmas had come and gone again Easter had come and gone and I was like it became super fucking obvious yeah you literally won't invite it but that I mean Number four, your partner doesn't find ways to keep moving the relationship forward.

So maybe they're showing less initiative in setting up date nights. They're not as intimate with you. They don't want to be with you as often. These are all signs that, well, it's probably not reciprocated because at this stage it should be reciprocated. Within three months, this should be a dreamboat relationship. Well, I think the big thing as well is, and like the take-home message overall, unless you've got some more.

You guys got a couple more to go rattle off there, Britt? there's a lot more little things that I find really interesting and maybe one day we'll do another whole episode where we deep dive into some of these stages of relationships properly but big obvious one is they don't make any solid future plans with you there's nothing in the pipeline there's no talk of the future there's no talk of where it's going to go because I think that especially the older you get as well like this definitely comes with an age thing as well for me now in my 30s that would be more of an alarm if I have dated somebody for three months six months and they're not wanting to make any plans I'm going to think that well I'm probably

in the wrong relationship because it's going to move faster now for me than it would when I was 25. So my big thing from this and I think like the the ultimate take-home message especially for anybody who's in you know for anyone who's in the dating game obviously if you're in a long-term relationship this probably doesn't apply to you hopefully it never will again but if you are somebody who wants to be in a relationship if you are looking for someone and want a long-term partner and you're dating and you get to the three month mark and shit is still ambiguous. You don't know where you stand. You don't know if they're as into you as what you're into them. You're not sure if they're completely committed. Ask the question, regardless of whether you're

fearful of the answer, because ultimately I think by the time you get to the three month mark, people should be pretty clear on whether they want to have a relationship with you or not. They may not want a relationship with you, but they may thoroughly enjoy keeping you around because they have a good time and then it's up to you to decide well do you want to waste more time on something that's probably not going to turn into anything well for me and I'm very I'm very forward but for me this is a huge thing because for me time is the most valuable thing and I don't want to be investing my time at this age when it's not going anywhere because I for me I just feel like that is a waste of just give them three months before you send the text message of like

what are we unless the sex is amazing give them around a little bit longer yeah but it's like okay then they can stay for a year or as long as it takes so okay well i have an update from uh an episode we did a couple of weeks ago if you guys listened you i did for a second think that it was a dating update but no glad good i'm not bringing that this week okay podcast update love it i'm gonna sit on that for a little while do you know what before you give a podcast update i want to say one thing okay if you're in sydney and you haven't got yourself a ticket to the live show there are some tickets that have just been released so we have our one and only live show on the 12th of october it's going to be freaking amazing uh we we do have some guests confirmed

chantal otten is going to be joining us we have jan fran who's going to be joining us and we have a really fucking exciting surprise which we're not going to tell you about but you'll only find out if you come to the live show so you can jump onto our website which is lifeuncutpodcast.com.au and get tickets to our very first live show but be quick because there's only a limited number that have been re-released well we're not doing any more like this year so this is the one and only and this is the very last ticket release that we can do for this event because then it's fully sold out okay let me get back to my update give it to me it was just from a few episodes ago where you and i laura we had that discussion i think you brought it up from memory about like

would you share your vibrator oh yeah i wanted to know like if i put my vibrator in a dishwasher would you use it it's just an update that came in today it was just about sharing the vibrator so i basically said i wouldn't share a vibrator no particular reason i just don't want it once it's been inside of you laura no offense to you you said you were happy to share vibrators that was just where we stood completely fine the general consensus and people jumped in across social media was that most people don't want to use their friends vibrators yeah but i also just want to reiterate you're quite happy to have sex with a dick that many people have had sex with and also if you are not different if you're not in a heterosexual relationship and you're in a

same-sex relationship the same thing goes if you're same sex and you're using sex toys well then you're using them with multiple people so like it's kind of the same thing it just it does hit different yeah it's not that though it hits different because i don't want to be doing that and thinking of you and if I have your vibrator chances are you're gonna pop into my head and no offense you Laura but you are not what I want to be thinking about at that time but a girl just wrote it and she said yes I do often share my friends vibrators that was the heading in big capital letters and I was like do you literally have like a swapsies party every week like what is this one of her best friends is a studying sexologist that has she has a blog

she reviews sex toys so what she does is she just gets bulk sex toys uses them reviews them and then just goes and hands them out to the friend group like they just go and have coffee and everyone gets a vibrator so they constantly use it i was like and then i started thinking i was like maybe it's maybe it's not too bad if it was a one-off if you've just tried and tested it once but if you've been using like how different is it i'm not gonna give you like your dildo for five years and knowing you who keeps the same pillow for like 27 years like i didn't rinse it after each use you ought to be one of those ones that you have to have two hands to hold like and you have to wind it up at the back to get it going you know you have to like there's never been a dildo that

you need to wind up at the back it's not like it was in 1960 i don't know look at the end of the day i just wanted to say it because the polls were leaning towards no don't use your friends dildos but like maybe it's not so bad maybe you can get some disinfectant throw in the dishwasher and move on well when i'm finished with the one i've got i'll pack it up and give it to you for birthday next year this reminds me did you did you see this week on tiktok the video that went viral of the little he must have been 10 years old or something and he found his mum's big stick on dildo under the bed you know those ones that suction speaking of used dildos yes speaking of used dildos the mum has videoed it she's gone absolutely viral on tiktok because she's in

hysterics she's walking to the room and he has found her suction dildo he has suctioned on the wall and he's having like a full-on boxing match with it like you know those speed bags when you when you're learning to box you have you ever seen a boxing speed bag oh it's like a fully erect suction cap dildo that's stuck to the wall and he's using it like to punch his fist down he has veins and everything he's ducking he's weaving and she just was like i'm just gonna let him do it because he doesn't how old was this kid like 10 but apparently it looks like a dildo anyway off the back of it going viral apparently heaps of people have been like he actually looks like a really good boxer like I think he should come and train with me so like he could get a boxing

gig out of it I know I have so many questions does he know did he know what it was no but he did say it looks similar to a willy do you know I have a lot of feels about a stick-on vibrator though like a stick-on dildo I feel like it seems like so much effort because surely if you're gonna masturbate you just want to lie down in your bed and just be on your back and not have to do anything you know you just want to lay there who wants to try and like fuck a wall what do you mean not do anything how do you just put it between your legs you know just you're just using one arm it's like so it's like the laziest thing you can do are people actually up like gyrating against a wall like are people that active with their sex toys yes they put them in the showers

i mean they put them in the showers they fully suck them in the shower so it's like but that's like a real event you're like cool especially when you've got kids like i don't even get to have a shower on my own at all if i'm like i'm gonna go and get my suction dildo out from under the bed take it in the shower like that is it that's an event but i would imagine it is an event yes but I would imagine it brings a bit more life to the story like the situation you know you're a bit more active sorry to what story well the story in their head the story of masturbation no they're sorry no they're probably imagining that they're actually having sex they there is stuck to the shower like makes it more realistic I'm really envisaging this now so so you stick it

against the shower wall and then you would turn yourself around and pretend like you're getting shagged from behind right okay look I have never ever done that but I think we could laugh we love a poll let's put a poll out how many people are the lazy lay down masturbators and how many are the suction onto a wall okay i don't think it just has to be suction onto the wall like i see it i see the whole sexual wellness movement happening across instagram i see the posts which are like just go date yourself you know have a romantic night and then masturbate for four hours who has time like it's four minutes i know exactly what to do and then i'm going to sleep do you yeah four minutes I could be done in four minutes four minutes yeah I'm gonna time it next time and

I'll come back and tell you all hey how is is there like a one week update on the intimacy challenge that you and Matt are doing we started yesterday oh so it's a bit delayed did you actually start or are you gonna have sex once then not do it again we started yesterday and then literally we were sitting on the couch and I said oh I've got to go to Brit's house and then Matt started making out with me and I was like this is a very inconvenient time like you guys think of me as well I already told you I was on my way out the door here I think he does on purpose as well matt pretends like he wants us to have more intimacy but really then he picks very very very inopportune times why so that he can say well i tried i reckon yeah come on to you

matt all right well i want an update next week okay let's get into accidentally unfiltered now this is our favorite part of every episode if you're new to the podcast actually unfiltered is where we read out your most embarrassing stories and thank you to every single person who has written one in we all like laughing at you i'm gonna kick start and you guys i've really stuck to a theme today this I will vibrate us let's go no masturbation no you'll see the theme in a minute but I really dating for three months where are we at yeah I've stuck to the theme I really went all out to find this this isn't I can't believe they said that now we haven't done these in a while but this one really I I thought it was funny and I it shouldn't be but I thought

it was really funny and it very much suited what was happening today my last relationship I was absolutely so in love, so obsessed. I thought it was going really well until he decided to break up. Now he did the whole, it's not you. I just don't want a relationship right now. I'm just really not in the right headspace. So this is what he said, quote, it's not you. I just don't want a relationship right now. I'm really just not in the right headspace. I need to focus on university. Oh, and you better get off my Netflix profile because my next girlfriend in a couple of months won't like that quote wow wow I mean but fair because like how long does some people hold on to a Netflix account for yeah but then she goes so I guess it is me then

well yes it is you but like I'm sorry if you're gonna break up and make up a lie you can't in the same lie contradict yourself you can't say I'm not ready for a relationship and then quickly say get off my Netflix though because my next girlfriend in two months won't like no I also think that the netflix thing you've got to wait like a month like it's a one month like you do the breakup and then in one month's time you say hey i'm really sorry i know that you're still using netflix because i can see that you've just watched five episodes of this is us can you please remove my netflix from your thing because you know sarah needs it i think it's a month it's one month i reckon there's heaps of people that use their exes oh 100 i would if i had one

like i'm still logged in as jordan i'm still i think he's probably logged into mine okay what have you got okay i have oh mate it was it was a hard one tossing up between poo and and something else but i've decided to not go for the poo oh we've come a long way today is monday and after waking up at my boyfriend's place i was pretty keen to sneak in a quickie before we both headed off to work and we won't see each other again until the weekend it was a great idea always is we had a great time and i felt energized to start my day until about two hours later when i was standing in a small crammed office with three of my lovely older co-workers and standing there I let out the loudest queef that you have ever heard I was mortified it was mid-conversation

and I just powered through and pretended like nothing happened how long has that been air been up there sometimes it happens though it just gets trapped does it for hours I thought it was just like a queefy and was like in the moment thing I didn't know you just suctioned it up for like four hours and let it out at the lunchtime meeting at morning tea like her control is next level she's not gonna have any pelvic floor issues let me tell you maybe not though don't you think i think i could get stuck up there like that like the top end bloats and obviously you're standing upright so like the air is trying to fall in i don't know how long you've held on to but she like must have just tensed her stomach or something then it all came out

she sure it wasn't a fart no oh my what it comes out of a different area i know but this is i didn't know you could hold on to a queef for so long but you know what I think some neither did she well yeah there we go all right well let's just get into what the episode is all righty on this episode we're talking about something called askers and guesses culture on today's episode now there's a good chance that you've never heard about what askers and guesses are but are you the type of person who instead of asking a direct question whether it be about relationships or something to do with your job are more inclined to leave subtle hints or imply the question rather than being direct? Or are you as subtle as a sledgehammer and have absolutely

no problems with asking direct and pointed questions? Now, this is something that will absolutely apply to every single person because you are more than likely one or the other. Well, it's a way to describe who you are as a person. It's almost like an unofficial personality trait. In the same way that we have done an episode on introverts and extroverts. Now, this is something that originated back in 2007 on a web blog that was posted by Andrea Dondery where the whole term around askers and guesses culture was coined. But basically an asker is somebody who is very confident, has no issue with asking a question outright. They are somebody who is not fearful necessarily of the word no and they don't ask questions expecting that the answer is

going to be yes all the time. They ask questions wanting to know where they stand or to simply get an answer. I am not an asker. I am a guesser. Now, a guesser is somebody who will only ask questions if they're pretty sure that the answer is going to be yes. And I think the guesses is probably a bit more of an interesting one to unpack because askers are pretty clear cut, but guessers are somebody who we are very intuitive in terms of like trying to figure out social cues we ask for things in a way without having to ask for it directly we ask for things in a roundabout way because we worry about offending people we don't want to put people into a situation where it's hard for them to say no to a question and the reason for that is because we don't like

to say no to other people yeah but the thing is too guesses can also be pretty thrifty so it's not just that they don't ask it's that guesses going around about way really vaguely sussing out if someone's going to come to the table if someone's going to come to the party and often they have a way of getting the answer or getting the offer without actually asking the question so it might be just so you can kind of understand we'll give you an example you're going away and you really need your dog looked after or you need your cat looked after instead of just going to your friend or your neighbor and saying hey is there any chance you're free to look after my dog for the week you go to them and you say oh I don't know what I'm gonna do with my dog for the week like

you know I'm going away and they're just gonna be at home and I've got no one to look after them I mean this is an extreme case that's an example that's what it is and then the person says oh do you want me to look after and like oh my god would you so you've gotten you've gotten exactly what you wanted but you haven't asked the question and this is why guesses get thrifty well yeah and I think I think that it's very important to kind of establish and you touched at the beginning, Britt, but it's important to establish why people become either an asker or a guesser. So askers usually have been raised in households where communication is very open and it's okay for them to ask questions and they're not reprimanded when the answer is no. You know,

they're not made to feel stupid. They're not made to feel guilty. They're not an imposition to anybody. So it's really a culture and growing up in a household that embraces challenging the status quo asking questions and being an independent little person whereas someone who's a guesser has probably grown up in environments that force them to learn other people's social cues so that they don't upset anyone or so that they don't even put themselves into harm's way for example so you become as a guesser extremely intuitive how to get what you want without having to be direct and assertive and two other things that are really important to note is that it's not just a family upbringing thing it is also a cultural thing it can be a personality thing

you could be very different to your family and it's it is a spectrum it's not a dichotomy so you don't have to 100 fit into either category you don't have to be just a guesser and you don't have to be just an asker sort of like introvert and extrovert right you're not just one or the other you can cross-pollinate you can evolve you can change the same thing with askers and guesses and you can also be different depending on the relationship you might be someone who is a asker in your personal life where you are very clear and direct with your partner but you might be someone who is a guesser in the workplace and now a really great example for this might be you might be you might have no reservations with telling your partner what you want but when it

comes to being in the workplace for example asking for a rise or asking to take annual leave you are very much a guesser where you try and suss out what the answer might be and you won't ask the question until you know it's going to be an absolute yes. Because ultimately the thing about guessers is that they don't like the word no, but not only do they not like the word no, they don't like putting somebody in a position of having to say the word no, because for themselves, if they're in that position, it causes them a lot of anxiety. Now, I guess one thing I kind of wanted to use for an example of this is something that happened to me recently. And the reason why this conversation really for me I was like I get it I get it now and I really hope my staff are not listening to

this if you are turn it off now no if you are I want to preface this by saying this was a really great learning experience for me in terms of like how to manage different people of different personalities because ultimately this whole conversation is around communication style and how as people sometimes conflict can happen but we communicate differently and it's like all about managing and mitigating conflict by our communication styles. So recently, one of my staff who I absolutely adore, she sent a message and asked, hey, in two days time, I've been having a bit of a hard time, but in two days time, can I take a week of annual leave? This was right in the middle of a sale period for us as well, which is like a really big time. Staff can't take annual

leave during sale periods. It's a critically busy time for retail. And I got the message and I remember seeing it reading it and I was like why would you even ask that because the answer has to be no why would you ask to take 10 days annual leave in two days time I was like that's to me is a crazy thing to ask and I felt a little bit offended that she would ask the question however now I realize she is an asker and I am a guesser she meant no offense by asking the question she wasn't upset that the answer was no no it's just you don't ask don't get totally and the answer was no, and there was absolutely no negative outcome. But I think the thing that happens with guesses is that when you're so fearful of answering no, you worry about what the outcome,

what's the repercussions going to be in that situation. And I guess for me, it was just a really interesting perspective. And it made me realize that like, she's not obnoxious or being a bad person for asking something that to me seemed unreasonable. She just was asking a question and it wasn't a big deal to her. That's exactly right. Because she would be thinking, just picture her at home with a boyfriend whatever being like look why don't you just try you've got nothing to lose and it's one of those things and i say this to myself all the time what have you got to lose you are a fucking asker britney well this is okay you are an asker through and through see i disagree with this no no i am one of the people that on the spectrum right i cross over and it's very

dependent on who it is i'm 100 crossing into both and i will put my hand up and say i am an extreme asker at times and then i'll put my hand up and say i'm a guesser now let me explain when it changes for me in anything that's business and work and relationships I'm 100% an asker I do not beat around the bush and sometimes it's probably too much like even sometimes I show Laura and Keisha my messages or something that I've been a bit bold with in a relationship or dating oh it makes me so uncomfortable and Laura's like I can't believe you asked that I was like to me because for a guesser someone who is a bold asker can come across as like brazen and like I don't know I don't even like too hard too harsh but I never used to be like that this is something

coming with age and again I think it's coming with I know now every year I get older I know what I want and I know that I don't want to waste my time on things that aren't that so I've learned to get to a place where I'm like okay it's more important to me right now to know that this is going somewhere or not going somewhere and find out than it is to be around the bush for six months to figure out that it wasn't what I wanted when I could have asked one question so now and even not even when I'm in a relationship even like the people that I have asked out on Instagram or online or in different ways in person the people that I have asked out I sometimes tell Laura and Keisha and they're like I can't believe you slid into his DM like emboldened

raisin tissues you know what I think right when I do that when like there was one guy uber hot I had the biggest crush on him for a long time and I slid into his DM and I asked him out and when I told the girls they were just like I can't believe you do that I would never do that and I thought what's the worst that can happen he's not even going to see the message so in my head I'm like he's not even going to see it then if he does see it he'll either just ignore it and like that's not going to bother me anyway this one person actually said yes that was crazy that was and I was like whoa I was not expecting that but my thing is I'm not scared of rejection and I think that that's something that has come with age because I used to be very scared of rejection

and this is why I've turned into an asker because rejection doesn't hurt me anymore I can differentiate rejection being personal which of course it is personal but when you think of if you think of dating and relationships when you think of how many human beings are on this planet if I ask one person out and they don't want to go out with me that's not going to change one second of my day like it's genuinely not going to say it but that all comes down to the fact that you have good boundaries and you have a good sense of self-worth because for a lot of people that's not the case you know some people would ask someone out the answer would be no and it would hurt their self-esteem and I guess ultimately that's why it's come with age yeah

and I guess ultimately in those situations it's a reflection of where each person is at not just in age because some people can be 50 and still be really affected by the fact that you know their love life or that they've experienced rejection I think it does come from having a really strong sense of self conversely with my friends and my family I am not an asker I will not ask my friends and family if I have asked my friends and family for something it's desperate times like I will not be brazen with them like I am in work and dating I'm so much softer with them I if I ever did want anything from them I would 100% beat around the bush and put feelers out there and that's just because I separate the two so when I'm dealing with someone in a work environment I usually I

probably don't know those people so I feel like I can be like that because there's no attachment and this is where they say differentiates a lot of people a lot of people that are on this sliding spectrum and they're a bit of a and a bit of b that's usually when it is with the people that you're really close with. See, I think it's interesting because I feel like I'm the flip of that. I'm definitely an asker in my personal relationships. Like with Matt, I can be an asker in all my other relationships. I'm definitely a guesser. And Matt is exactly the same. We had this conversation today and we kind of were trying to figure out where we sat on this sliding scale. But I think the really interesting stuff and where this becomes a sticking point is when you are

somebody who is a guesser or an asker, whatever one you are, when you are trying to navigate a conversation a relationship a situation ship whatever the relationship looks like with someone who is the opposite type to you that's when things can really become sticky and that's where so much miscommunication can actually come from well yeah this is why it's so important to have these conversations with anyone that's close to you especially like an intimate partner think of how many times you might have had like a little tiff with your partner right you've been implying something or you've been putting your hints out there they haven't picked that up and then you have a fight where they're like, why didn't you just say, why didn't you just ask me? Why didn't

you just say it? Why didn't you just tell me? And then the other person's like, well, I thought you would have figured it out by what I was saying. This is because you two haven't established that one of you is definitely an asker and one is a guesser. But once you know that, if you're the asker and your partner's a guesser, once you know 100% that they're the guesser, you're going to pick up these subtle hints. You're going to pick, you're going to see them a mile away, but unless you've had that conversation, you're going to be blind to it. That's when the fighting starts. This is when the clashes start in a relationship because no one's communicating clearly yeah and I read a really good example with this which actually stuck with me so much so this one woman

was saying that you know when her husband worked late he would always message and say hey can you cook me some dinner and she would be like yeah sure like I love you I want you to be happy she would get up she would cook his dinner or she would make sure that there was food for him when he came home when he asked on the flip side she often came home from her shift late and she would rock in and there would be no dinner there'd be nothing for her I shouldn't ask yeah and she got to a point where she was like I feel like you don't care about me you don't think about the things I want you don't prioritize me and in all this fight had completely evolved over the fact that she came home from her shift and he hadn't made her dinner and ultimately he was like but

you don't ask me to I didn't know that that's what you wanted I just assumed you'd eaten at work it's the miscommunication that can arise and I guess ultimately it comes down to that there is one group of people, this asking culture where they are direct and they expect people to be direct with them. Whereas people that come from this guessing culture are far more subtle. They don't deal with the blunt force of the direct ask. And what they do is they try and imply what they want. The problem is, is that people who are guessers almost think that everybody else works in the same way as them. And people who are askers almost think that everybody else works in the same way as them. And that's where this huge miscommunication can come from. Now, let it be

clear here on Life Uncut that neither is wrong or right. There's no such thing as, oh, I'm a guesser, I should be an asker, I'm an asker, I should be a guesser. But I want to go through the pros and cons of both. The pros have been an asker. You're not offended if someone says no to your suggestion or question. You tend to be more direct with situations instead of like beating around the bush. And there's little ambiguity in your interactions. So you're not a time waster. no one has to ever go home and try and decipher what you were trying to say or what happened in the situation which think of how many times you go home or you leave a message chain with someone you're like what do you reckon this means and you try you sit there with your friends trying

to decipher it that never happens because it's like this is how it is this is what I want are you in are you not and then the cons have been an asker people can find you a bit too assertive some people actually think that askers are rude when totally like why are you asking that of me That's such, it's such an outright, this is how I feel. Okay. If somebody is very direct with asking a question that I think is an unreasonable ask, then I think that they're being rude. And now when I read all this, I was like, fuck, they're not being rude. They're just asking a question and expecting that the answers probably know that they're just asking it. Yep. That person would definitely not think they're being rude. Actually, this is a prime example of something

that happened in our work group chat the other day. I wanted something done. Like I needed, I need an email so I just wrote hey can someone please send me that cc me on that email I haven't been on that email I just asked can you keep me included from now on yeah so I literally just word for word asked asked for what I needed or wanted and then because I've been researching askers and guesses I looked at it with a different lens and I was like okay I know that I'm just on the fly there's hundreds of messages going and I just ask what I want but I know that other people now might not be askers and they might be guesses and they might read that and think I was too short and brazen so then I immediately like one message later was like oh hey sorry also if I was sounded

short then um I'm on the go and I just just wanted this done like and I just I'm looking at it with a different lens now because I realized that there are so many different people on this huge sliding scale and it's really really interesting well I think the big one is is that it all comes down to just because you you may not mean for it to be interpreted a certain way but people are so different everyone comes to each experience with their own unique set of upbringings walk of life interpretations and that's just it every single person interprets one thing in a variety of different ways and I guess the other big part of that is that phones were supposed to bring us closer together but if anything I think that so much around communication can be lost via text

because as we all know it doesn't allow for tone it doesn't allow for like your intonation it doesn't allow for like sarcasm or so many really subtle social cues which are really important to the way that we communicate are lost over text. Have a think about how many times you have misinterpreted something to be far more negative than what it was intended because a text message came across as short or came across as cutting. Or without grammar. Or without fucking bad grammar. Okay, let's get into the pros. So the pros of being a guesser, you're often viewed as being polite or easy to please. You're not somebody who usually ruffles feathers and you are conscious of another person's circumstances. So I feel like most people who are guessers try to go above and

beyond to accommodate when a question's asked them. When they're asked to do something, you would do your best to try and accommodate for that, even if you don't really fucking want to do it. Even if the answer should be no, you would rather put yourself in an uncomfortable position than to disappoint somebody else. And that's kind of like where things can become really, really sticky. Now, the problem with being a guesser is that because you often do things that you don't want to do because you struggle to say the word no, you become resentful and become passive aggressive. And that is what happens. I know it's something that I have definitely experienced in my time. Like I'll do things I don't want to do because I feel there's an

obligation to it. And you resent. But I won't fucking do it with a smile on my face. Some of the other cons about being a guesser is that you often lack boundaries. You know, you put other people's wellbeing above your own. That's like two of the main things around like why it can be problematic and I guess ultimately like like Britt said that you know there's no right or wrong way and obviously everybody sits on a scale of this but it's about going into conversations a little bit softer knowing that there are some people out there that your question if you think that the answer could be a no the question you're asking could cause anxiety to that other person that having to give you a no is an uncomfortable thing for them to experience it's not as clear cut for

them as what it is for you and I just think it's just like the love languages we just think it's something that you should have a conversation with if you've got someone really close to you a partner maybe a really close work colleague laura myself like we see each other every single day seven days a week if we don't see each other when we're texting we're emailing but if there's someone in your life that you do deal with a lot maybe have the conversation like start this conversation because it's pretty eye-opening once you've realized that other people operate in different ways and this could be the difference this conversation could be the difference in your relationship strengthening or i mean like i don't want to say worsening or weakening but

once you get your head around why someone's doing something or does something you might know that it's not necessarily coming with ill intent or maybe your partner's also wanting more on the opposite side and that you now know how to read that and how to give them that also if you are somebody who is a guesser learning to be more assertive in certain areas is something that is so important because no amount of subtleties is ever going to get you a pay rise you know no amount of subtleties is ever going to get you the relationship that you really want in life and there are some situations where no matter how fucking uncomfortable it makes you whether you are chronically conflict avoidant but it's so important that you have the confidence

and the sense of self-worth and the ability to put boundaries in place that you're able to ask for what you want regardless of whether the answer is going to be no sometimes well you guys know we never finish an episode without our suck in our sweet our highlight and our low light of the week the best thing and the worst thing i am going to kick this off my suck this week happened to me this morning i went to get a coffee really quickly met a friend had to give them a parcel came back i didn't take delilah because i was just like five minutes i came back and she had gotten my beats headphones no off the bed no they're in a hard case she got them off the bed she's wild rotten and she'd open them up and she'd taken them out and she ate them so she

completely ate my beats headphones I'll show you a photo this dog is out of control Brittany Hockley I know that she's very pretty but she is no well look it's the first time she hasn't done it since the book so it's been like a little bit something that you haven't shared with everyone though is that she ate your most expensive handbag and I have a lot of feelings Brittany okay Brittany went you know we last year was like a really goal-kicking great year for us and Britt bought herself a handbag that she had saved up and worked towards it was like a real like a cheap you know when you have those like one little designer thing I only own one designer thing and it was something I'd really worked for and you know when you have those achievement purchases when you're

like when I've kicked this massive goal I'm gonna buy this for myself as a reward as a present so Brittany did it Brittany bought the super fucking expensive handbag that she had for six months and the dog ate it and then you are so shocked she also ate our book now she's eating the bed the fucking you are so surprised when I'm like Delilah is a nightmare and you're like how can you not love her and I'm like I when she stops eating every single pair of headphones that we have for this podcast I will love her more yeah but you forget she's 14 months old she's still young but she hasn't if I wrote down everything she'd eaten look I'm defending her if I wrote down everything she didn't oh no hang on over her whole entire lifetime it's not that many she's

weaning off it so but she definitely has a thing for headphones that's her thing I'm gonna say something really controversial it's gonna like it's gonna people are gonna hate this you're not a dog person I like grown dogs but I don't really like puppies yeah you're definitely the only human in the world like no one some people don't like kids puppies bring so much happiness they're so annoying yeah but they're so cute and how how cute and how happy they make you well for most people not you outweighs the little bit of annoyance like for I mean for me and every other normal human in the world do you know I think I'm scarred so we used to foster animals back when before I moved in with Matt and my old housemate we fostered animals and that's how I got Buster

we had a puppy named Biscuit living with us for a little while and she pissed in my laptop my open laptop climbed up onto the couch and just pissed into my laptop and I was like yeah cool not for me hey she showed you she was like you're working too much I am gonna shut this lucky we found her a home a forever home that was not ours well my suite is just that you know it's a simple suite It's a really, really beautiful day today. There is no rain. The sun is out. It feels like a taste of summer.

And for me, that is 100% my sweet of the week. Except that you're sitting here inside this freezing apartment wearing an hoodie. I have an hoodie on. The house, as you know, because you lived here for three years, this house is so cold. It could be summer outside and I have an hoodie and a heater on. It's unbelievable. I mean, you'd have a heater if you owned one. I do have one.

It's a micro heater. It's supposed to be like good for the environment. It doesn't really do much. Okay. My suck for the week is that last week was a super busy work week, which just meant that I was getting home really late from night. The kids were in bed. And so, I mean, it's, it doesn't happen every week by any means, but like this last week, I feel like I haven't had any quality time with the kids. It's been super transactional. It's been like get food into them, get them into bed or get them out of bed, get them rushed to daycare. Everything has been in a rush

and I really miss them this week and really like can't wait to spend some proper quality time with them and I think you know for anybody who is a working mum who goes through periods of having to juggle a lot of things it's something that you carry a lot of guilt for and as much as whenever I have really busy periods Matt steps up to the plate and he's been doing so much you still kind of get to the end of the week and you're like fuck like I miss them even though I see them every day well like I just miss I really really miss them and you know they're so fun and they're so funny to be around and then you kind of go like oh I don't want to be doing this I just want to be hanging out with you and it's a real push and pull feeling that sort of like juggling being a

working mom and being a mom at the same time. But my sweet for the week is that this morning we got to go as a little family. We did our, we didn't like, we have the dumbest little Saturday or Sunday morning ritual. We go down to Bronte Park and we go on the train. I ran there and I looked for you this morning. I haven't been on the train in so long. Matt was hung over and I made him go on the train, but like, we just had like a really cute little family morning together. And I just, it was exactly what we needed. Cause I have been feeling a bit disconnected from them. So. I must have just missed you this morning because I did look for you on the train as I ran past. I was like, surely they're going to be down here.

Surely all they do with their life is sit on that fucking Bronte train. But that is it from us, guys. Just a reminder, if you haven't yet got yourself the book, it is available for pre-order. We love love. You can get that from our website. You can also jump onto the website, which is lifeuncutpodcast.com.au and get tickets for our Sydney live show. There are a few left, but not many.

And honestly, it's the one and only that we're going to do this year. Don't miss out. It's going to be so fun. And this is the last release of tickets. We won't be releasing any more after this. This isn't like a pretend like last release. This is the last release. Closing down.

Sale starts now. No, seriously, this is the very last release. And that is it from us. You know the drill. Don't forget. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love. We'll be right back.