Life Uncut - It's time to OPEN UP! Talking open relationships with Bianka Ismailovski

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

Happy Tuesday Lifers! Today we opening things up, and we are talking non-monogamy and open relationships and by goodness WE HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!We have the wonderful Bianka Ismailovski from Damsel In Distress podcast joining us, Bianka is in a non-monogamous relationship with her boyfriend and she is here to answer your questions.How does it work?What are the rules?Don't you get jealous?!Whether you've ever considered having an open relationship or you're just curious about how it all goes down, Bianka should be able to provide some insight into a world that not many of us have experienced. You can find Bianka on instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/biankaismailovski/?hl=enYou can find her podcast here: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/damsel-undistressed/id1535867660If you're one of the scalliwags that likes to hear the pod but hasn't left a review, we'd love if you could take a sec to drop some stars!Share the pod with someone you love because, we LOVE LOVVVVVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura. And Brittany, what the hell's been going down, lady? Look, before we get into it, I just want to say thank you for getting dressed up for the occasion today. I've just Zoom called in to Laura and she's sitting here in a very beautiful, mind you, very beautiful, very matching, like a baby pink underwear set. So I'm really happy you put your undies on for me. Well, Amy Hinn, just so you guys, I mean, you guys already know, like we're obviously recording these in very different time zones and we always make jokes about how we are wearing our underwear. but today we are literally wearing our underwear like both of us Britt's in a singlet and her undies and I'm here in a bra and undies because you know what that's just what best friends do

it's literally like these podcast episodes well the start of them anyway it's just like zooming your bestie sorry Britt like we're at the point in our relationship now where I don't need to put pants on for you and I'm not gonna have a shower what do you mean we're at the point now this has been like this from day one this is this has not been like a slow gradual ascent well speaking of like how disgusting i am i do have a bit of a story for you which i've been saving to tell you and it's not like you come to the podcast with like fun stories that you're doing in your life and then i'm just like this disgusting mom and my life is like slowly deteriorating so this happened yesterday you are not disgusting hang on i might change that train of thought

after you tell me your story hit me with this story okay and i feel like every single mom is going to relate to this. Once upon a time, there was a time where I used to look at other mums and I thought like, oh, it's so disgusting how they'll put that half like masticated piece of food that their child's been chewing on in their mouth. Or it's disgusting how like they don't mind that they touch poo or like get baby weirdness on them. Like all that stuff that used to gross you out kind of just changes after you become a mum. You're like, you become weirdly okay with every single bodily function that happens because it just happens without you being able to have any control partly by yourself but also from your own kids it's like when you see kids drop something i

remember like i've seen kids drop their food what they're eating like it might be watermelon or something on the ground their mom just picks it up then they lick it clean and then they give it back to them oh yeah like you'll suck a dummy i mean maybe not watermelon i don't think i would suck my kids watermelon but i would like pick up lola's dummy suck the dummy and then give it to her so it's fine for me to suck what's been in the gutter but it's not okay for lola to suck what's been in the gutter you've got immunity you've had a lot of things in your mouth like even like this is not the gross story but like yesterday like Lola was sucking on a lamb chop and then I was like oh there's still plenty of meat left on that so and then I ate the lamb chop

hang on isn't she like five months old what five month old eats a lamb chop she's seven months I'm not doing pureed food anymore I'm doing this thing called baby led weeding where you just give them like pieces of food and they basically I'm like ready for her to move out of home you just let them feed themselves. I've signed her into university. Yeah. She doesn't chew on the lamb chop. She just sucks on it. So, okay. That's not what I did. That was gross. But every time that I think maybe she's done a poo, I'll pick her up and smell her butt, right? Like I'll, I'll put her butt into my face and smell it. That is logical. Makes sense. I'm here for that. Yeah. So it's like you, you get very close to your child's butt to try and figure out whether they've done a poo

or not. You could always just like maybe pull the back of their pants, like, you know, or lift the the back of the nappy out so you can check in there but no I like to like really immerse like think about like putting your face into freshly washed sheets and being like I do that but into my child's ass okay yesterday she was in the high chair and she had obviously done a poo not only had she done a poo I like watched her grunt and groan and do the poo then I kind of forgot that that's what she'd done and a little while later I was like oh has she done a poo so I picked her up I slammed my face into her butt with a semi-open mouth and got a full mouthful of poo that had come through her pants.

And at the time I was like, wow, that is so beyond gross. And then I was also like, oh, it's fine, whatever. Hang on, where's the – are you trying to tell me there was physical, physically poo on your face, on your lips? It was like, okay, imagine if you were to get a type of wet cheese or okay what's like a wet cheese like cottage cheese cottage cheese and you're gonna put it in a lightweight material and you're gonna drain the cottage cheese it was like that but it was in my hands in a nappy and it came out of her pants and into my mouth and i was like i have

hit the part of being a mom that is just so far like my barometer for what is gross is so far gone now that i don't think it's ever coming back you literally ate shit yeah you inhaled and you So hang on, let me get this straight. Lola gets a lamb chop and you get shit. Welcome to lockdown in the Johnson household. Laura's eating shit and Matt's dressing up in women's clothes. It's been a big week, guys. Do you know what?

I feel you on like a certain level and I feel like I can relate. Not in terms of kids, but when you're working with elderly especially and in a hospital, in an emergency department, like we see a lot and a lot of stuff goes down in our rooms with a lot of patients. and at the start there were things that would have grossed me out 10 years later somebody could just like do a big shit on the table and you don't even blink an eye you're like oh well better get you back out and clean that up like it's just it just becomes I get what you mean it becomes normal

but I can say even after 13 years in emergency I've never eaten a shit so you win no but it's like it's like your exposure I mean we talk about this in like toxic relationships whatever you've been exposed to on repetition, you become desensitized to. I am desensitized to how disgusting my children are now and how disgusting I have become because of my children. Put it that way. I don't even know where to go from here because you've just made me vomit a little bit in my mouth. We were trying to figure out what we were going to talk about in the intro of this episode. And just so you guys know, we have a freaking awesome episode for you today. We have been talking about doing an episode on open relationships for ages. And now we are not the

oracles of open relationships. Like Britt and I have never experienced an open relationship because we're too fucking jealous. I'm lucky that I even had a closed relationship after 10 years of being single. Britt's just happy to be in a relationship. Look, I had an open relationship with a couple of my exes, except I didn't realize at the time they were just sleeping with other people. It was open for them. That was me too. So we actually, we have an awesome chick on the podcast. Her name is Bianca Ismailovsky. And I just want to preface this conversation by saying that for starters, this is just her experience of an open relationship. She's pretty new to it as well. She's been with her partner for a year now and they have been navigating what non-monogamy

looks like for them. So obviously there is still lots of this conversation that she is working at herself, but it was so interesting to sit down and talk to someone who is doing relationships fundamentally differently to what we have been taught is like the normal or the right or the traditional way to do a relationship. And it really kind of rocked some of my own, and I want I say rocked I don't mean like I like it didn't make me feel uncomfortable by any means but it really made me think about why sometimes we have this like judgment or we think like oh I could never do that or that's like you know I'd get too jealous or like that's a bit strange it really made me think about my own prejudice and where that comes from my own judgments about other

people's relationships and where it comes from and this real concept of just because something doesn't suit you doesn't mean that somebody else isn't so happy in that environment and in that relationship and yeah I mean you'll you guys will hear it from the conversation like Bianca is so in love with her boyfriend Tiger they are super super happy and they have a very different type of connection because they're navigating an open relationship I was so like everything you said I agree I was so into this episode and I could have spoken to Bianca for so long I had so many questions and also she's so funny I think you guys I can't imagine any of you are not going to love this episode I just think regardless of if you are curious about how to broach the subject of

an open relationship with your partner if you're single and just curious in general or maybe you're really happy in a monogamous relationship there really is something for everyone because Bianca is so funny it is so interesting and I was literally on the edge of my seat the whole time so I really do think you all are going to enjoy it yeah and you know what there's actually a couple other things in this that we touch on as well Bianca has been sober for two years now so we touch on a conversation around sobriety. But the other big thing about this is we get so many questions that come in for Ask Uncut about open relationships. Like I cannot tell you the amount of women and men who write to us who have contemplated what it would look like or how

they would navigate opening up their relationship. And the thing that's so interesting about Bianca's experience is that she was married before and she trialed an open relationship with her husband as a way of salvaging the relationship and her views on that is something that was really interesting to me because I think a lot of times in the conversations and the questions that come in for us have always been around like our sex life isn't that interesting maybe you know me and my partner's sex life isn't that interesting maybe we should open up our relationship to satisfy that urge that we have or satisfy those needs and wants and Bianca's experience of that and she has navigated that in her past relationship

is a really interesting experience. So I'm so excited to get into this. I think you guys are going to enjoy it. But yes, Brittany, before we do, there's more things we need to cover. Well, yeah, I want to ask you something and it's something that I've been trying to think about myself. It was something that I read from someone

over in the news here in America. There was some Bachelor in Paradise, American Bachelor in Paradise alumni, a couple. I don't know if you've heard of them. His name is Dean Unglert and I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right. and her name is Kaylin Miller Keyes. Now she's very, very popular. You would have seen her around the media. I certainly have not. I am like the worst person when it comes to anybody who is

famous. I know who Brad Pitt is. Oh my God. He's at the US Open final right now. He's so hot. I'm that annoying friend when people are like, Hey, do you know who this actress is or actor is? And I'm like, no, I don't know it. And they're like, what do you mean? It's George Clooney. And I'm like, I don't, I don't know who that is. Can you show me a photo? It's just because like names and faces don't match up in my mind so yes anyway continue totally irrelevant to the story no in all honesty I'm like that too I've got to see somebody's face to know like I won't know a name and that's the same with songs and stuff like that anyway we're getting off track what I want to ask you is this couple have come out and said that they've been together for a year or two he cannot

say the l word he cannot say love he refuses to say that he loves her even though he loves her he's just got something against the love word so they've come out in this interview and said oh yeah we just are in a relationship where we don't say we love each other what i want to know from you is do you think a do you think this is weird b could you be in a relationship if the person could never tell you they love you oh so the thing is you know they love you and you know that you love them but you're not allowed to tell each other and because he doesn't like to hear it either so she can't say it back to him so they have to have this relationship where they know that each other love each other because you know you know the way you feel with each other you know

the way you act you know the things you do for each other but you they can never say the word could you be in that relationship okay like I think that there are some very unusual factors here and like I'm gonna say yes it is a bit weird they need therapy yeah there is always a counselor that you can reach out to no but like I'm sure there's somebody who's listening to this who hearing I love you makes them feel uncomfortable just like compliments make people feel uncomfortable I would really struggle if we hadn't unpacked the like what's going on you know like if we had sat down had conversations around why he feels uncomfortable using the word I love you like what is it about that that like it no longer kind of develops a deeper connection but actually makes

him close off I would need to better understand the why and I think then maybe I would be okay but I think that reassurance with being in love can come in so many different ways there is also like there's so many relationships where people say the word I love you over and over again but the actions don't meet up and I would much rather be in a relationship with someone who struggles to say I love you but shows me every day in their actions and in other ways and we all we all know about love languages and if you don't you can go listen to that episode but I think that there are much more important ways of showing someone that they love you and I do think that words can be super vacuous and they can almost just be used as filler so if my partner really struggled with

the word I love you. It would be challenging for me, but it's not a deal breaker necessarily. I agree. But I don't think I could be with someone for my entire life, like marriage, kids, everything, every day and never hear I love you from them. I don't know if I could do it. I'm pretty big on the words of affirmation and time and things like that. But and I know I'd be all right for a little while, but eternity is a long time to not hear the word I love you. And I thought this was going to be a real rarity. Right. So I was talking to Jordan and some of the other boys because I always run these questions by them because I want to get I want to get a feel for it and I thought it was going to be really rare one of the guys said oh

that my sister's like that she's been in a relationship she's got two kids they don't tell each other they love each other he's never told her and I said never like never and he was like no never but they know that they love each other I am wondering how common this is so I want to I wanted to ask you but I want to put a little poll out as well I want you guys to tell us if you are in a relationship now or you have been in a relationship before where you can't and you won't for whatever reason tell each other you love each other just out of curiosity you'll always stay anonymous but I just want to know how common it is do you know it's something I think I would struggle with and this is like a bigger thing to unpack obviously not everybody has kids and

not everybody even wants kids but I would really struggle being with someone who can't use the words I love you because I would kind of worry about would they be able to say it to our children what impact does that have on children if they've never heard I love you before from their parents because it's something that their parents struggle with like that would be the hardest thing for me because I would worry that there would be some deficit in my kids and in their experience of having a loving relationship with their parents but I'm sure there's lots of people out there whose parents maybe weren't very verbal in the way that they said I love you but they were really physical and really like attentive in other ways showing I love you so this almost links so

perfectly into the conversation with Bianca what works for one relationship doesn't necessarily work for another one and just because it's weird to you or weird to us doesn't mean that that relationship isn't completely healthy and happy and so I think checking yourself of judgment which is what this whole episode is about what a perfect little tie-in that you did not mean to make no they they came out and said like they came out and said we're so happy he's so romantic I do all this stuff for him he does this for me we have so much great time they've got a great relationship it's got nothing to do with that I just want to know I just when I first read it I was just like maybe because for me I reckon I tell I'm a very verbal very affectionate person I reckon I tell

Jordan I love him and I'm not exaggerating this isn't exaggerating I reckon it would have to be 50 times a day or maybe you're just a little bit more needy than most no but like we say it in a way he'll do it as well we'll say it in a way like I'll get up off the lounge from a movie to go to and get a drink and I'll be like do you want anything and he'll be like no I'm all right and I'll be like okay love you cutie and then we just say love you all day and we just I'm just going to the fridge and I'm back in two minutes I think that that's normal as well like I do that with Matt too to be honest like I say I love you and that's words that I said so free-flowing in our household like I love you is said a ridiculous amount of times in a day

but do you know what I think that there are some times when you say I love you and you mean it on a much deeper level than like the super if you're saying I love you and you're just getting up to the fridge Laura I mean it when I go to the fridge I mean it but what I mean is like sometimes it can take on a more superficial meaning because in that moment yes of course you do love him but you don't mean it with like a deep level of connection you're just saying it as like the nice thing to say when you leave to remind them whereas like there would definitely be times when you and Jordan would have more intense conversations and that I love you's are much more meaningful oh you should see it when I go to the oven that's when it gets serious okay guys you know that like we're gonna get

into accidentally unfiltered and that is your most embarrassing stories where you write them into us we all laugh at them together collectively individually big old life uncut family that we are and we have some doozies for you today actually mine is so like it's so wholesome okay that's great because mine will always rank okay so sometimes I don't know if these are actually funny or if they're just gross and I'm just a sicko that mixes the two up but here we go okay guys so I never ever cancel plans I hate to cancel on people a few years ago I was so excited for a date with this guy I really liked him I was upset as I woke up with gastro or food poisoning I'm not sure which one but I had like hardcore hectic explosive diarrhea I thought I

would be fine if i went to the toilet all day shat it all out and by night maybe i'd be good to go i just didn't want to miss this date i felt great all afternoon so i was like this is all in order the date is going ahead we went to a really nice dinner and when he went up to go to the toilet i desperately needed to fart the date was going so well so i thought i would rip a fart off now while he was gone before he got back and holy shit i shat my fucking pants i went to i went to the toilet and i literally had to scoop out the poo it was so gross it wasn't a little squirt it was a whole poo i thought i would be able to get through the rest of the dinner without him noticing but a few minutes after we sat back down he started to complain that someone nearby kept

farting and dropping bombs i told him i felt oh well called an uber ran home and never saw him again i i can't all i want to know is once you have had to scoop the poo out of your pants how did you think he was not going to notice that how did you think you could scoop back into the dinner at a nice romantic restaurant and him not notice that there was shit in your pants my mouth is open like literally just wide open like it was the other day I am shooketh no okay if this happens you have to throw your underwear away right like that's what you do you run to the bathroom you throw your knickers away but then does it get into your pants you cannot scoop that out there is no amount of scooping you could ever do to have a clean enough pair of undies to go back to a date

once you've shat your pants like girl you gotta go home i mean i feel like all adults have been in a situation where they've accidentally pooed themselves before like this has happened this happens to everyone i accidentally pooed myself at work once when i thought it was going to be a fart and it certainly was not it was a real low light in my life that no there's been lower there's been lower you've told me i'm giving you my accidentally unfiltered okay and it's wholesome and it's nice and we're not going to end this episode talking about shit. So I just finished a night shift this morning and I got home and I saw an email saying that my parcel was coming today. So I wrote a little note to my postie saying, I'm sleeping after a night shift. Please

don't knock. Pop through the side gate and leave it on the table in the alfresco area, please. I've done this plenty of times before and they always do it, which is so nice of the postman. Then being a really cold morning, I popped the heater on in my room and the electric blanket. I had a shower, so it would be perfect to come back. So I came back in, I turned the heater off and I snuggled up under my nice warm sheets. Only I actually forgot to turn the heater off when I got into bed. So I woke up in fluffy winter PJs under three blankets with an electric heater on and the heater on sweating like crazy. So I stripped all my clothes off and went to put them in the dirty clothes basket to have a shower. I went into the laundry, which is in the other

side of my house and just as I threw all my clothes into the laundry basket while standing 100% naked sweaty and just woke up from a post-night shift sleep the postman walks directly past the glass laundry door stops for a few seconds looks me up and down looks me dead in the eye and then says do you still want me to put the parcel on the back table she's like no just give it to me leave please also I just love that she looked like she's just had a wild sex like sweaty hair tousled or clammy and just nude making eye contact with the dhl man what would you do what would you do if you were the postman do you pretend like you didn't see and just carry on or do you acknowledge i'd fist pump it at least one of us is getting some

all right guys that is well and truly it from us we are going to get into this interview with bianca uh we hope that you enjoy this episode we hope that it answers some of your questions around open relationships but like we said it's also just a little insight into one person's relationship and how they navigate open relationships so it doesn't come with all the answers but it's definitely very interesting guys we have such a great interview for you today we are interviewing bianca ismalovsky and she is a comedian and actress and also a podcaster from the podcast damsel in distress who we have asked to join us today to share her journey her relationship journey and what it's like to be in a non-monogamous relationship now when we first

talked about open relationships on ask uncut a couple of weeks ago we had so many of you slide on into our dms and tell us that we had to get bianca onto the podcast and now bianca has already said that she is not the oracle on open relationships this is just her personal experience But we are going to be asking her all the nitty gritty, the ins and outs of what it is to be and to live in an open relationship. Bianca, welcome to Life Uncut. Yeah, apparently it's just not talked about enough. So I'm the go-to person.

The crown is heavy upon my head. Before we get in to unpacking what it is like and how you navigate this, do you have an embarrassing story for us? I had to rack my brains because I'm not an embarrassing person, but... We can't all be so blessed. no I was like oh I don't know either I find I've just embarrassed myself on the reg and it's hard to pick one or if I just yeah I'm that unselfaware okay so I'm sober I'm over two years sober congratulations I saw that thank you so this is a story that happened before that this is why you

were two years sober or this is a pretty clear indication as to why I had to stop drinking so I accidentally booty called my boss but was it an accident this is the question yeah no it absolutely was an accident so I must have been like 24 25 at the time and I worked for a surgeon who was like well into his 50s and in a very long-term relationship like I'm not into him I'm not into him there's no basis for this to happen but i was hooking up with some guy at the time and i was drunk at laundry bar and i decided to booty text and booty call this guy and i pull out my phone and i start sending the text like hey you up like i don't know if i did say you up i don't know what i said but i remember it was like

not it wasn't super a full-on booty call text but it was like ambiguous like it could be but it couldn't be but the time stamp of 3am is pretty clear that it was. 3am spoke otherwise. Yeah exactly so I'm sending a message now I'm quite drunk at the time and I'm looking at the messages from before and I see that they're work related like I can I can drunkenly make that out and I remember at the time being like why was I texting this guy about work like that was my thought not oh maybe you have the wrong number maybe you're in the wrong message thread no I was just like that's so weird that's so random so how many times did you text your boss at 3am in the morning or did it go from texting and progresses to calling I think it was a couple of texts and

then I just went up the top to do the call didn't get an answer ended up just going home and thankfully passing out and uh you know not having access to my phone because I was asleep but then I woke up at like you know six in the morning just like dread of being like that fucking guy never text me back like already I was slumming it with this guy right like he was punching so the fact that he wouldn't get back to me was like offensive to my ego why haven't you responded I'm a 10 yeah exactly like you'd be thanking god that I would even bother sliding into your dms kind of thing so yeah then I pick up my phone to be like I bet he like I bet he got back to me later you know just to like allay my concerns you're still hot people want you pick up my phone he never

texted me back and I was like, oh, did I even text him? And then I see my recent text and I realized that I've texted my boss and I want to die. I want to crawl into a hole. And like at that point it was so obvious that I tried to foodie text him. So then you obviously just sent in your resignation. Oh, I literally was like, I could get fired for this, right? Like, I don't know what the grounds for dismissal are, but this seems pretty on the money. And I just had to come clean and I just said like hey um that wasn't meant for you and then like he just never texted me back for the whole day so I was like great and when I went into work on the Monday thankfully he thought it was hilarious he told everyone about it uh and I didn't get fired which was the good

thing but the bad thing is that I did it again another time but I think intentionally I don't know I can't you know what I don't drink anymore and that's the moral of the story wait you did it again to the same boss yes but I think I feel like that there was this some like deep-seated suppressed and you didn't even realize that you had like this attachment to him and you were like I'm just gonna text daddy now and then you're like oh shit that's my 50 year old boss yeah I literally think I might have daddy issues like that's where I'm thinking I'm like is that is there some issue in there that some deep-seated unrooted subconscious issue that I'm unaware of but yeah no I I think I did it that time the second time sort of like as a joke like winking

at it like haha yeah the first time definitely an accident second time I don't know it's very wishy-washy and I that is more embarrassing we are so I'm speaking on behalf of Laura and myself but and our listeners we're so excited to be speaking to you today because I feel like open relationships are something that everyone is curious about and they might not be curious in terms of they want to try it but they're just curious as to literally how does it work how do you navigate this what problems arise so we we just have so many things to ask you before we get into the questions around open relationships Bianca you just touched on something and I'm so interested to know the reasoning why behind it but you mentioned that you've done two years now

sober and I think that that's such a huge thing we don't really talk about much like what was your reasoning for wanting to be sober and why have you not touched a drink in two years you heard me talk about me drunk texting my boss right yeah but we've all done that come on we've been there. No, I think like, you know, it's a big decision to make and loads of people have like small amounts of drinking regret. I think that it's part of our current culture that it's okay to get blind drunk and do silly things. And we all think about it as being funny, but it's not that often that you hear about people who've taken a full stance on going, okay, I don't like the person I am when I'm drinking, so I'm not going to drink anymore. And I think it's interesting

that we have someone and can ask like the reasoning behind that. Yeah, totally. I didn't like the person that I was when I was drinking. I never did. I never liked her. I was fully aware of that fact that I disliked my drunk self. I hated the way I felt the next day. I regretted so many of my decisions. It really made me feel like shit, but it was also sort of like a part of my identity being this like sloppy drunk party girl. So while I hated her, it was also sort of like who I was. And as I got older, I'd always just sort of thought the drinking would calm down. I was like, you know, at some point I will be like a sophisticated woman that takes a bottle of wine to a dinner party with friends, not a cask of goon to a backyard party. Like at some

point that will change. And it just, it never did. If anything, it just got worse and worse and worse. Someone, my husband at the time sort of alerted me to the fact that he didn't really like my drinking. And I think once I then became aware of it and tried to stop it or started realizing how much it actually was affecting me in my life I realized that it was harder to quit than I thought and I didn't have as much of a handle on it as I thought because I liked drinking so I never needed to stop or needed to slow down but when you become aware of just how miserable it makes you and you decide oh well I'm just going to cut back I can do that that's easy and then you realize that you can't that was really hard and I tried for about a year to moderate and it just really

kicked me down. And eventually I found a way that I could, you know, I just, I had one hangover way too many. And I woke up one day and I picked up this book called This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. And I didn't go into it thinking that I was going to stop drinking. I just thought it was going to help me maybe cut back. And I read the book within two days and I've never touched alcohol since. It just gave me the freedom. I just realized that I could actually live a happy life without it. And yeah, I would never go back. I have no intention of drinking ever again. It just made me so miserable and I'm such a better person without it. So you just never found that you, did you try to monitor and like maintain your drinking and just think, oh, I'll just go and have one wine tonight.

Did you, and it just didn't work for you? Well, yeah, it didn't work for me. The thing is like drinking heavily did not work for me. Like it, it made me miserable. But then when you are a drinker, sobriety is sold to us as like a really hard road that you're just like white knuckling it and I did not want that life I just thought that sobriety equaled misery so I was like that's not an option for me so I've got to find some middle ground right and so I would do these things of like I'm only going to drink two days a week or I'm going to go out for three beers and like stop at three but that is substantially harder than just not drinking at all because you really are monitoring like I would go to a party wanting to have fun but all I'm doing is sitting there being

like well when can I have my next drink or like don't have too many or if the night would get away from me and then the next day I'd wake up feeling like shit like it never occurred to me that just like going to the party and not drinking is actually a freer way to be than having to try and monitor what you're doing and so yeah it didn't work because I don't think it I don't think it does so I'm so impressed by this and we've spoken about this in a very small capacity on the podcast before because I know in my younger years it's something that I really struggled with like I was a real party drinker and as you said it was a huge part of my identity I was the one that would go out get like fucking blind drunk couldn't remember stuff and people would be like

oh silly Laura like it was almost like a bit expected and I guess it wasn't until I became a little bit older that I realized actually when you're in your 20s you can have a drinking problem it's not just like a fun party problem and it was only something that I became more aware of as I kind of got into my 30s and got into a serious relationship became a mom and I look back on that part of my life and I go oh wow I really had a problem with alcohol so I find that a really interesting conversation especially when there's other you know women or people out there who have decided to take a full road of sobriety and the choices behind doing that we just took a totally different little side route there but we wanted to talk to you about open relationships you wanted

to talk to you how you navigate your relationship. We threw out the platform to our listeners and we asked, you know, whatever questions they have to ask. And I tell you, there was an absolute truckload. But before we get into asking you all the questions that come from them, firstly, can you give us a little bit of information around like your history? You said that you were married before. What was your relationship past like and how did you get into the relationship that you're now? Yeah, that is a, that's a hell of a tale. So yeah, I, I was married. I got married when I was 26 and I look back on it now, like my ex-husband, he's a lovely person, lovely person, but I definitely was getting married for the wrong reasons. I met him at a time that I was at my

lowest, particularly when it came to drugs and alcohol use. He met me at a time when I really felt unlovable. And I ended up sort of just finding value in myself by being valued by someone else. And so I just wanted to hold on to that feeling. And I guess society just makes every girl believe that they're going to grow up one day and they're going to get married and have children. And I just thought that that was my destiny. So yeah, I got married and that's fine for some people. Absolutely. I think people think that I'm like this huge crusader against marriage, but I'm not. It's just that I made that decision again, when I was at a really low point in my life. And then I got sober and I realized that I became more of my own self. And the woman that I

am is not someone that wants to be married. I am more of an independent person. That lifestyle isn't actually something that I would choose for myself. I was sort of just like pushed into it, I guess. And so, uh, also the pandemic didn't help. It doesn't help a lot of things. Like I think a pandemic really makes you realize like, holy shit, is this what I want? Like when you're trapped in a house and you have no outside distraction and it's just like, this is your life. You're like, okay, shit. I don't want this life. Yeah. My husband and I both, we went through a really rough, rough time during the pandemic in the first lockdown. Then for the, before the second one started in that break in between we had decided that maybe we should try an open

relationship because I'd always been intrigued by them and so yeah we did that and that's how I met my boyfriend and then my marriage fell apart and now I'm with my boyfriend so okay there's so many questions within that story so how long were you married for and how long into that marriage was that you decided to start the open relationship and then how long were you in the open relationship before you knew it had to end with your partner there's a lot of questions in that but I've just got I my mind is boggled right now yeah yeah totally well uh I was married for just over three years and we actually broke up during the pandemic we broke up like two days before my 30th birthday but it was a really confusing time and also I just wasn't sure if like breaking up with

someone is such a big deal and even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted I also didn't want to just like throw in the towel and so I guess my last ditch effort was let's open up the relationship which by the way like don't do that don't open up your relationship to try and quote unquote save it because it's just not going to work you need to have a really solid foundation for it to work so it was a misguided attempt so we were only open for a little while and it was interesting it was a good experience I guess to learn what not to do but you know like he was going on dates with some girls like basically just walking dates actually because you know the pandemic but then I met my boyfriend my now boyfriend I went on a date with him and the date just never ended

I left that date and I cried on my way home because I just sort of realized I could not do it Like, I realized that I had just met someone that I felt really drawn to, felt I really needed to be with. Like, I just was so overwhelmed with emotion. But I was also so upset because I was like, oh, holy shit, I don't know how I'm going to juggle doing both. Like, you know, I'm in this marriage that doesn't make me happy and there is this person that I would, like, I feel so drawn to.

So I was just, like, overwhelmed with emotion. And then a week later my husband ended things. And how did you bring up the conversation? and I know this is a question we'll get into it more later as well but we're here now how do you bring up that conversation with your husband with your partner was it you that brought it up with the idea was it him was there any pushback at the start or did you both want the same thing yeah totally I brought it up I think because we did not have we weren't really sexually compatible and I personally was really sexually repressed and uh it was just an issue that kept

coming up in our relationship and I just thought okay well I could just outsource that I was like would I actually care if he slept with other people and I kind of felt like no I wouldn't and also I think now I look back on it in retrospect and I actually think that we had tried to break up and then he was like I don't want to leave you because he really felt like he needed me and I was like you actually don't need me right like you've never just dated you should just get out there and date people and I think it was sort of my way of being like see like there is a whole world out there there's a whole life out there and just sort of trying to get him to see that so that he would realize he doesn't need me yeah i bought it up because i had watched

an episode of you can't ask that and it was about polyamory and i remember being like wow that is so interesting i'm so intrigued by this this sounds great they really sold it to me but i just never thought i could do it because i was like i'm too jealous so i just yeah i bought it up i was like how would you feel about that and we chatted about it we sort of realized that the idea of like a traditional marriage wasn't really for us again in hindsight like just marriage wasn't for us but yeah we sort of realized that like that lifestyle like we weren't even sleeping in the same bedrooms we'd already decided that like we didn't like having the same bed we were like just because we're married why we have to sleep in the same bed so we were already not having a traditional

marriage as it was we were like oh yeah let's just do this too we sort of just went about it that way when you met your partner so your partner's name is tiger and that's your boyfriend now who you're in an open relationship with and you said you met him whilst you were still married to your husband at the time yeah now can you explain to me a little bit about how you made that sort of transition where you were like cool I want to be in a relationship with you but because the foundations at the beginning of that relationship was that it was open how did that then progress into where you're at now and how have you navigated the start of your relationship yeah yeah you're like where do I start no well it's interesting because when he met me he didn't realize that

my marriage was rocky like why would he I wasn't gonna tell him on my first date like yeah no things aren't great and I'm just doing this as a last-ditch effort like I was like yeah no you know like because of course he asked me about it because it's on my hinge profile like hey I'm married so he asked me about it and I was like yeah yeah you know whatever you can love more than one person like I was so naive so naive at the time about open relating but you know I was I was learning. And so I think though, when we started seeing each other, I think he had just always assumed I would want an open relationship. And I did want an open relationship because I could see the merit in it. And I was also, I'd just come out of a marriage. So I don't want to

just go from like one huge relationship into another and just be stuck in monogamous. Like that actually terrified me. So I didn't want to be in a closed relationship. So we started dating, but we were dating in a stage four pandemic. So we were actually monogamous because the Dan Andrews government sort of made it be that way. Like we couldn't sleep with other people. He cock-walked you basically. Yeah, exactly. So we were actually monogamous because we were only sleeping with one another and we were definitely catching feelings. Like I was head over heels in love with this guy. But then when the state started opening up again, this is how we came about being in a relationship i talked to him about like i was like oh i'm gonna get back on

hinge and he was like oh okay yeah cool because we'd never had like any chat about being official or whatever and then he slept with someone and i was so upset like my little heart broke into pieces when he told me but then we chatted about it and then we sort of decided well you know we should come up with some boundaries for one another if we are going to be sleeping with other people and then but once we started coming up with boundaries we were like wait a second so like is this a relationship then if we're making rules for one another and yeah that's how we sort of decided that not only would we be boyfriend and girlfriend but we would also be in an open relationship so how long have you guys been dating for now uh yeah so we've been

together over a year now like 14 months and it's it's just ever evolving like one thing i will say about an open relationship it makes you a really proactive and really active participant in your relationship because you constantly have to be assessing how you feel talking about how you feel moving boundaries discussing your needs and your wants and listening to your partner like you have to really be proactive it's actually exhausting to be honest but it's rewarding because aside from the fact that I get to sleep with other people and he gets to sleep with other people and we get to explore our sexuality together and separately. Aside from that, which I think everyone thinks of when they think of an open relationship, the benefits to our relationship

together, like the foundations that we have built are amazing. Look, I think there's so much that people in monogamous relationships could learn from open relationships, but in a monogamous structure you don't really have to do it as much like you definitely should but it's not a necessity whereas in our relationships like we actually have to be doing that because we would not be able to survive otherwise before you was tiger in monogamous relationships or had he always been exploring open relationships or was this a really new thing for him as well uh it was a new thing for him it was just a new thing for him to have a relationship like he hadn't been with someone for close to 10 years so like when he told his friends he was seeing someone they were just

losing their minds like what the fuck like who is this chick because you know like he's such a lone wolf even though his name is tiger and yeah so for him I think I think everyone was sort of like a bit just blown away that he was with someone in general add to the mix that it was an open relationship I think everyone was a bit surprised because yeah it's not something that he's used to doing. Bianca, you touched on something, which was like the biggest question that came in and we're going to jump into some of the questions that came in from listeners, but like, and I can only imagine it is the one thing that everybody asks, but how do you deal with jealousy? Yeah. That's the number one question. Look, I will say, first of all, I understand when people

are monogamous that they think of an open relationship and the first thing they think of is jealousy and they think there's no way I could do that. And I need you to know that like, I was that person too I always was intrigued by open relationships but I knew I was such a jealous person and I was like there's no way I'll ever get to a level of just being like so chill with my partner sleeping with someone now the thing is now that I'm in an open relationship I see that I was looking at jealousy from a monogamous point of view and when you're in a monogamous relationship you experience jealousy just like you do in an open relationship like jealousy doesn't just go away. It's a feeling that exists. And so I used to get jealous in a monogamous relationship,

just watching my partner talk to a woman, right? Like that would make me so jealous, but I wouldn't say anything because it seems one rather irrational to get jealous of him talking to someone. And two, in a monogamous relationship, there is a fear surrounding bringing it up. Because if I was to say to him, it made me really jealous watching you talk to someone, which actually is not irrational. You can have that feeling. Like you don't, you don't feel bad for having a feeling. But bringing it up is almost accusatory to him because he's like, well, what are you like? He's not going to be like, oh, I hear that you're jealous. He's going to be like, well, I hope you wouldn't be. But usually the reaction is, well, I'm not doing

anything. I'm just talking to her. Like you don't feel supported in having that jealous reaction. So you don't want to bring it up because you don't want to seem crazy and your jealousy is just never actually dealt with. So when you are dealing with that, that's how you deal with jealousy need a monogamous relationship, of course you think there's no way I could experience an open relationship because all that jealousy would just eat me up. Whereas in my relationship, in an open relationship, jealousy is not something that you're afraid of. You're not ashamed of it. You recognize it's something that's absolutely going to happen and it does happen. It comes up. I get jealous naturally, but I get to deal with it in a really healthy way. I get to say to my

boyfriend, Hey, I'm feeling really fucking insecure right now, which is something I would never have done in a monogamous relationship because I didn't want like I was a bad bitch right like I didn't have feelings and I whatever but in real life like I am actually a jealous and insecure person and that's totally okay and I can just say that to my boyfriend and he'll hear me and he'll support me through it and he will put my fears to rest and it not only is it healthier for me it's healthier for our relationship and also it just sort of takes away the power that jealousy has so yeah I understand why people do immediately go to that fear of like oh my god jealousy but you know it's not something to be ashamed of and I used to get so jealous when I

was monogamous as I said like I would get jealous at a party if my boyfriend was talking to someone and I had this like full circle moment a few months ago because I was at a party and Tiger was talking to someone and like immediately I just had that fear of like oh shit like I would go over there and like put my arm around him to be like he's with me claim your territory yeah right right like just like just so you don't get any ideas sweetie like I had that initial feeling and then I just had this like oh I don't have to do that because at the end of the day yeah he might want to he might be flirting with that girl he might right now be thinking I really want to hook up with this girl and you know what maybe he'll get her number and maybe he will hook up with her

like I don't know but I know that I don't have to like go over there and mark my territory because I know at the end of this party he's going to talk to me and he's going to go home with me and I can say to him hey it made me jealous when you were talking to that girl and he can be like what no like I was just having a conversation or he's going to say like yeah I was pretty attracted to her maybe I'll see how it goes like it'll get talked about it will be discussed and it will put my fears to rest rather than me just sort of like going off in a huff feeling I can't talk about it getting angry and then just letting it bubble up in unhealthy ways later which is what it would happen in a monogamous relationship god like as you're talking the questions just keep

flying into my head I feel like I could talk to you forever now picture you at this party you're at this party he thinks some other chick's hot they're having a great time you're mingling with someone else I want to start getting into the rules is he allowed no to go home with her that night or does he if he's gone to a party with you he leaves with you yeah that is a rule that's one of the rules so like if we're together then we're together that night and one of the rules is like we can't cancel plans with one another for an outside partner so if he was with me he's not allowed to hook up with people in front of me unless we've like arranged for that and we're having a threesome but you know if he was just like at a party and flirting with a girl and then

went home with her that would be a big no-no but he would not do that because it's one of the boundaries of our relationship but yeah it's really important that your partner feels valued and wanted. And yeah, that would destroy me if that happened. So yeah, not going to happen for me. Bianca, how did you set the rules? I think this is one of the other big questions, like the top two were jealousy and then rules. But like, I listened to your podcast. You actually, for anyone who's interested and wants to know more about like the ins and outs of Bianca and Tiger's relationship, Bianca and Tiger actually did a podcast episode together. And we'll link that in the show notes on this. But you mentioned that you originally, when you first started dating and

you first started this open relationship that you had a lot of fear-based rules and then you had to kind of strip those back again can you talk to me a little bit about what those fear-based rules were and how it was completely like non-constructive to like your relationship when we first made the rules because we didn't really have any understanding of how we would deal with the jealousy or how we would feel later down the track we were just like trying to control our fears so my thing was like if he's going on a date with someone I need him to message me once the date is over like I need to be I need to know that like I'm still in his thoughts so I need you to text me when a date is over after time you realize that that's just a fear that's just like he's messaging

me not because he genuinely is like hey B what's up or like I miss you it's like oh I have to like write this text and it's it just becomes more performative than anything so we sort of realize like that's not really a rule that we need to deal with and as you just sort of become more secure you sort of just realize like oh actually you don't have to worry about that so that was one of the rules another rule that we had which i think is one that people always ask is are you allowed to have sleepovers because people i think think that fucking's fine but like don't you dare sleep together like that's too much no pillow talk like get the fuck out actually that was a rule at first but then we realized that it was difficult to manage because we had to have like

a caveat in there that like you know at the time tiger was still drinking so he's like oh like you know what if it's like four in the morning and i'm really drunk and i'm like oh well then in that case it's okay and it just became a bit messy so that we got rid of that rule also even though that is a rule like it's no longer a rule if I have like so he was going to be hooking up with another couple and he was taking a girl that he'd been sleeping with instead of me to this foursome and the girl that he was going with lived quite far away and I was like I'm putting my foot down like I just want you to know one of my boundaries is that she can't stay over at your house after the foursome is done because I don't want her to take my place of like coming home with

you after it and debriefing with you like that's a really private thing that I get to do with you and that would be something I'm not comfortable with so he heard that and was like yep no worries and made sure that that didn't happen so those are just sorts of things that you know while it's definitely not a rule it's not doesn't mean that that's a blanket rule and I have no right to just say hey actually maybe not this time please because everything's up for discussion and negotiation so don't do you Bianca like I'm just so intrigued do you he's gone tiger's gone off with another girl to sleep with another couple so they're having a foursome yeah and the thing that bothers you the most is like that connection when they get back so is there any jealousy of the

physical side from you or is it just like please don't please go and fuck do whatever you want but don't form that connection like do you feel any jealousy knowing that he's having this I guess orgy of such oh yeah no definitely that particular foursome I'd actually met the other couple and we were going to do it together but then I realized I'm not that into this actually so I don't think I want to do it and then he was going to do it but we'd already had a discussion earlier that like if I say no is he allowed to take someone else and have that experience and I guess at the end of the day like when he first said that to me when he first asked me that I was so upset because I was like absolutely not like I don't want you having these experiences without me I need to

be that person but at the end of the day like that then puts pressure on me to maybe want to have foursomes that I like you know I don't want to have maybe like if he's keen and I'm not keen but he can't have it unless it's with me then I might want to do it just to make him happy that's actually going to be worse for my mental health so it's actually better for me just to be like you know what you do this one I'm not going to do this one and yet if you want to take someone else by all means because actually at the end of the day I do want him to have those experiences like his sexual journey and his happiness is something that I care about and I don't want to stand in the way the discomfort that I feel can actually be talked through and worked out and that's fine

and I'd rather do that than limit him in any way I think it's really important to say as well in this that like we had other people who will listen as the podcast who wrote in who said that they were in open relationships but were in open relationships for potentially very different reasons to the reasons that you're in an open relationship and I think that like the rules can be different for each relationship like what works for you guys isn't necessarily what works for somebody else and I remember there was this one woman who had written to us and she was like I'm I've been married for 15 years I'm in an open relationship but I'm in an open relationship because sexually like that's not what I want with my partner I can't satiate him anymore and the

pressure to do that was too great and now we have a great relationship because he is basically she was like he is serviced somewhere else that he he and I are still best friends and we have our loving relationship in that way and so they had very different rules around it she was like I don't want to know what you do so long as like you're part of this happy family unit you can go and do whatever you want and she could too as if she wanted to so I think like from one perspective it's interesting to hear how this has opened you up to a whole lot of new sexual experiences but I think it's really important that you've got those sort of boundaries and parameters around things where you say if you don't want to do or have a foursome the whole

point of having an open relationship is more so that you're not forced into doing things that you don't want to do and the other person can still have those experiences Bianca one of the big questions that we had as well is is there ever and I know that a lot of these conversations come back to fear but is there ever a fear of tiger falling in love with somebody else of actually developing that connection and you know I think that sometimes when we do have the physical sometimes the emotional comes with it without our intention behind it you know is there ever a fear that he will develop that for somebody else or that you will develop that for somebody else oh yeah yeah that is a natural fear to have but first of all I think I think we forget particularly when we

are monogamous we forget just how shit it is dating like we forget just how many more dud dates you go on like there's more people out there that are not going to be a great match for you so the chances are quite slim you're like I feel confident I know what what fish are left in the see I feel confident yeah exactly like but at the same time like not only so not only would someone have to like tick a whole bunch of boxes they would also have to be so much better in the sense of like the connection that he and I have and the connection that we have because we've been building this relationship is out of control so I don't really see someone coming in and knocking that off like I know it's ironic because that's how I met Tiger but at that time that was a last

ditch effort to save quote unquote a relationship that I was no longer really invested in so I'm actually invested in this relationship he's invested in this relationship we love each other very deeply and we're so open with each other like no one on this earth knows me like he knows me and I would say the same about him so I think like for someone to come in and threaten that that would be really hard really hard for them to do it's a tall order babe I love that I love the confidence I want to pause on that for a second and just go back just back to the foursome when you're organizing a foursome when you're trying to look for that how do you do that is there do you just go on to hinge and say I'm looking for another couple or is there an app that's dedicated to

this kind of a thing or just for just out of interest sake and for people out there that are looking to explore that with their relationship this is not like my thing either I need everyone to know that like I was so sexually repressed and I actually think that like open relationships helped me in this way because I had been in quite long-term relationships and yeah when you're in a monogamous relationship I used to like guilt myself just for finding someone else attractive and I would say to people like no I've only got eyes for my husband which was a lie because you're attracted to other people you might see someone and you see that they're attractive but I would shame and guilt myself just for having the fucking thought. So I would close off. I would put my

blinders on and just like repress my own sexuality. Also though, I wasn't really sexually satisfied in my marriage because my husband and I weren't really sexually compatible. So I was just like completely closed off. I also drank a lot and alcohol was really the only way that I could have sex. So I was like not sexually satisfied at all. And I literally had closed off almost every sexual part of my being just to survive. So for me to be having foursomes, that's fucking crazy to me. Okay. Because like to, I was so sexually repressed that I've now discovered that I'm bisexual, which is mind blowing to me. So it is actually crazy to me that I'm having these sexual experiences because before I could barely struggle to make out with someone on a couch while I was

sober. Like that was a struggle for me. So yeah, it is crazy to me, but it's great because I get to unleash and feel this sexual power inside of me. And I think it also really helps that I have my partner there with me. Yes, there is an app dedicated specifically to these things. It's called Field, F-E-E-L-D. And that is a dating app where you can sign up and you can go as a single person, or you can sign up and have your profile matched to your partner. And I will say though, that having those experiences and being able to go with someone that I love and care and trust so much has made it easier for me to do. If I was just a solo gal out in the world, there is no way in hell I would be rocking up to a foursome. Like that's terrifying to me. I mean, it's

terrifying to me as it is like they're fun and I really enjoy group sex and I've really started to enjoy that part of myself. And it's really nice getting to learn this new aspect of myself, I guess, but I would never have done that before. Like it, it's still, it blows my mind and I'm the one doing it. So yeah, I totally get where you're coming from. You said that getting into an open relationship was part of what has like opened you up sexually and it's kind of changed your, I guess it's fully changed your perception around sex and around relationships. But you also just mentioned that you more recently discovered that you're bisexual. How has this come about from, has this been a result of being in an open relationship? Has this been a result of being with

your partner tiger like i really didn't think that i was good at sex like i just didn't think i was particularly because i had been a drinker so like i would need to drink in order to feel uninhibited uh to have sex but then i would end up having pretty bad sex because it would be sloppy and also when you drink it really limits your capacity to orgasm so i was not super satisfied and then on top of that i would wake up the next day i mean when you wake up after a night of drinking you have that anxiety you're already dealing with a lot of shame so add to the mix that i would almost only ever sleep with people when i was drinking i would wake up not knowing who had been in my body like feeling so shamed like i was just there was just so much shame

around sex for me and also like i'm a woman so naturally i'm just shamed for everything that i do and so when i met tiger was the first time i'd really had sober sex with a new person it was the first time I'd had really incredible like soul opening sex and he really helped me I guess in making safe comfortable environments for me to be able to explore my sexuality and did start having threesomes with him and other women and it was enjoyable but I I never really like was like oh you know I guess I'm somewhere on the bisexual spectrum I guess so like for me I was like even though I was sleeping with women I was still like I wouldn't call myself bisexual but I guess over time, I've started to recognize sexual energy inside of me. And it's such a magical part of

ourselves. And it's such a shame that so many women close it down and don't access that part of you. But I can actually feel the difference in myself. I can feel my sexual energy and I'm no longer afraid of it. I'm no longer ashamed of it. And it has led me to experience some incredible sexual experiences with women. And yeah, it's made me realize that I'm so into that and now understand that I'm bisexual, which is crazy because I didn't even think I liked sex before. So let's jump into what I think is probably the most interesting part. Obviously, this is going to be different for every person and every couple. What are the rules basically that work for you guys? What have you decided is your set of rules is going to keep a really

healthy, open relationship? Yeah. So first rule is we have to tell each other everything. So if he was to hook up with someone and not tell me about it then I would consider that cheating so yeah that's a rule another rule obviously safe sex that's a given no hooking up with each other's friends that's a solid rule yeah that is a rule uh like I definitely have some friends that like they'll like flirt with the idea I think your friends are the ones that actually think that we would be so chill with them hooking up with us if that makes sense like i think his friends might be like a little flirty and my friends might be like a little flirty with him because they just think like oh it's an open relationship you guys are cool and i'm like no you can't fuck

him okay like back off yeah he's mine literally anyone else can except for you bitch no like i actually have some friends that i wouldn't mind i'm like i actually wouldn't mind if he slept with them but then there are some friends where i'm like i don't know about you so uh yeah just to make it easier no friends another thing is yeah no cancelling plans with one another uh for another partner and what is the other rule oh yeah if we're together then we're together no hooking up with people right in front of one another so that's about it on the rule front at this point in time when you guys do go and you're with somebody else do you i know you said you want to tell each other to what level do you tell each other is there one of you that wants to know more

information than the other or is it like a not spoken of hey I hooked up with someone last night just so you know and that's it like what level of depth do you go into well it's interesting because I don't need much detail like for me I'll be on edge like if he's gone out or like he's going on a date I'll be on edge until he tells me like yeah I slept with them and then all of a sudden all of my fears just like it's like this chill over my body and I'm like okay yeah dope like I never ask any details you know like he mentioned a detail the other day and i was like whoa that is confronting i did not like whoa like that what the fuck and he was like yeah like don't you want to know more and i was like i don't need to like i don't need to know more like fucking no because i think what

i've realized is that for me i'm okay with him sleeping with other people uh because i know that the sexual relationship we have is fucking incredible i know that the sex we have is really beautiful and I love getting to share sex with him once we've been with other people like it's so nice to reconnect with him so I guess for me my fear is when I don't know that he slept with someone I feel out of the loop and that's where I'm insecure when he tells me hey I slept with this person I realize again like okay I'm his person I'm the one he's telling this to like yeah he may have slept with someone else but I'm the person that he shares that with so that allays my fears enough i don't really need to go into details about the sexual acts they got

up to it doesn't really phase me because at the end of the day i know that the sex i share with him is pretty damn good so i don't i don't want to hear about it whereas the other way he wants as much detail as possible because i think for him he just wants to know all of the facts and once he has everything and there's no shadow of a doubt and he's got all of the information then he can feel more at peace so we're both very different we talked about this a little bit before we actually hit record and I want you to share this with everyone as well but like what happens and what's the long-term plan for an open relationship you said something really interesting which was this concept of like you can open and close a relationship as many times as you want

but I think that like for a lot of people the idea of getting into an open relationship might sound appealing but then like where does that open relationship lead to where do you guys foresee yourself and where is your relationship heading I think like so many people think that oh like open relationships is cool and everything but when you settle down like you'll settle down at some point like you're not going to be open forever but we're sort of like well we've gone through the really hard parts like we've worked towards this like if anything the more we do it the easier it becomes so I don't foresee that like we would just be like well we're closed off now like you know like for us seriousness doesn't equal monogamy and monogamy doesn't equal seriousness

also there is like a part of me that does worry like oh god you know i'm so public about this and so many people ask me about it that like i don't want to become like the poster child for open relationships and then if i was to decide that i don't like doing it anymore that um that would be like me reneging and whatever like but you know there have been times that I've closed the relationship off because I've been not able to cope like mentally or whatever and I'm like I just can't deal with this right now so for this week can we like we're closed off like it's just closed and that's fine just don't fuck anyone it's closed yeah you can't do that this week again you can just open up and close but I think for the long term I mean I don't want to speak

for him but I think we're pretty in this for the long haul with one another and I do think that we've worked really hard to get to where we are and honestly there is still so much more to go like I have so much more to learn and I'm still not 100% secure of course I don't know that anyone is even if they're in a monogamous relationship or not I don't think anyone's 100% secure so I still have a lot of work to go and I'm enjoying the journey and I want to keep doing it with him and I'm pretty sure he wants to keep doing it with me. So I think we'll just, yeah, keep it up. I mean, for me, after being married, I've realized a few things. I've realized that I never want to live with a partner full time again. That alone in and of itself, I think people think is crazy.

I think people think, well, at some point you'll settle down and you'll live together. But I'm like, that's just not in my future. So I think that for me, I'm probably not going to have a quote unquote traditional relationship ever i think for me it's yeah it's up it's all up for debate everything can be chopped and changed i think the like i genuinely when i think about closing it i feel unwell yeah like i love him so much and i want to be with him but i think after having all of that freedom to have that taken away actually just feels like a like bird getting caged like it really does feel so limiting so i don't see it happening anytime soon but yeah i'm I'm sure that people are just intrigued by it.

And also I get hit on a lot by listeners, which is great. I'm like, oh, there's just like a dating pool right there in my DMs. Dope. But this is also because I know that when you say like, you don't want to be the poster child for this, but I think because so many people don't talk about it. And like, there's a woman who I follow on Instagram. Her name's Tova Lee.

She's from the UK. She was married for quite a long time. Same thing, opened up her relationship, but it worked for her and her husband. And they've been together having a very happy, open relationship. and she came up publicly and spoke about it and she then went onto her Instagram and she was saying like you know the amount of trolling that she had received from people because it threatens our idea of what is a normal relationship and when I say normal I mean like quote-unquote normal we live

in a society that's very monogamous centric like that's where we feel safe and and these sort of like polyamorous or open relationships threaten our idea and threaten our normalcy around what a relationship should be and I think for a lot of people who have been in long-term marriages it's almost like their greatest fear realized that maybe their partner might want to be with somebody else and that was the way that she described it she was like I have received so much trolling from people who don't think that my relationship could possibly work that I must be miserable that we must not love each other or that we're not enough for each other because people can't necessarily see that different is also okay did you find it challenging at the start

when you told your family I mean going from being in a very monogamous like married relationship to sharing with your friends and your family and your like external community and also having a public profile just sharing it with your following was that daunting did you get backlash what was that experience like it was difficult like I think for the most part I'm actually kind of used to it because like being a sober person I know that people's immediate reaction when I'm like hey I'm sober, their immediate thing is I could never do that. Or like, or I only have like a couple of drinks a week. Like I only do this. And so I'm kind of used to already not being the quote unquote norm. And I know that the things that I do, do challenge people's fears. Like it makes them

think, and I'm, I don't agree with this, but I think people see that and they think I couldn't do that. So therefore it alerts a fear in them. And they are just like, well, I have to tear it down. I have to poke holes in that because I don't think I could do it. I don't want them to think that they're better than me. I feel that they're better than me. So I'm going to just tear it down. So I totally understand that. And yeah, I've already dealt with it with sobriety. So like, I guess I was kind of just used to it with open relationships, but I haven't really received much backlash, more just people being confused and people just saying, yeah, I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. But I will say I too have struggled. Like I've also grown up

in a monogamous centric world. So there are times where I have been like having to check myself and be like, this relationship is valid. I know how it feels. I know how much I love him. I know what he means to me. But of course I even have those feelings of like, this is crazy. Do I really love him if I'm sleeping with other people? Like a hundred percent, I have those fears and I understand then why other people have it because they're not even experiencing the love and commitment and feelings of love that we have for one another so I totally see how to an outside person it would feel that way the way that this conversation came up originally was we had someone write in an ask uncut section and we were like we can't give advice on this because we've not have a we don't

have a lived experience on this and the big question was this person was in a long-term relationship they wanted to broach the conversation of maybe opening up the relationship I want to throw the floor to you like for somebody who is in a long-term relationship and they want to open up their relationship now. How would you give advice on that? Or what do you think would be the best steps? I mean, I know that you said that you have done it and it was really difficult, but what do you think could be a better way of maybe tackling that? Well, there are definitely books that you can read. So The Ethical Slut is sort of considered the Bible of non-monogamy, but there is another one. I just can't think of the name.

Ethical Slut. What a great name. Yeah, the ethical slut. So that's a good one. I think what you have to realize, like you have to have a conversation with your partner. Absolutely. I think you also have to realize before you even broach that subject, what are you hoping to get out of it? What needs are you not getting met that you want to be met? Because when you just come to your partner and say, I want to open up our relationship, naturally their fear is immediately like, oh, I'm not good enough. You don't want to be with me. I'm not sexually satisfying you. Like, you know, you're just flooded with jealousy and insecurity. But if you were to go to your partner and be like, Hey, I specifically want this sexual

need, or I've realized that maybe I want to indulge my bisexual side, or you know what? Like I kind of am into BDSM and I know that you don't like that. So I want to try that. Like come up with what you want what need is not getting met and why you want to do it and be really gentle and supportive with your partner that's the first thing I would say because yeah I mean it's it's natural to just like freak the fuck out when someone says I want to sleep with other people so that would be the first thing so coming with an objective a solid objective yeah exactly a solid objective and also just like remind them of the fact that you're with them like you know that it doesn't you don't want it to threaten your relationship but also like just

be prepared because it is a fucking it's so hard like i'm not gonna lie it's there's a lot of work because there's not just the fact that you're like trying to handle this new form of relationship but you're also going to deal with so much programming in your own head regarding relationships already because we might even if you are intrigued by an open relationship there's no doubt that we are just like force-fed monogamy so much like it's really hard to undo that i've actually found that to be like one of the biggest challenges yeah there's just so much work that goes into it also just be like open to the fact that like you can ask your partner and at any time either you have the option to revoke the openness because that is a really important thing i don't think

people, people are afraid maybe that like, if we open it up, then it's open and I don't like it. And I don't, I don't want to be able to say it. You have to be open to like stating your boundaries. I used to be such like a cool chick that like never wanted to tell someone that they'd hurt me. Not anymore. Now I'm like, I'm, I'm insecure. I'm feeling jealous. I need this. I want this. This is how I want you to treat me. Get used to being really open with your feelings and how you're feeling and telling someone that because there's no hiding how you feel. You've got to be really open and in touch with your own emotions. Are you able to see the same person multiple times? Is this a rule for you? Like when is the limit of you starting to form this other

sort of relationship with someone else? Yeah, totally. That is, that is one of the most asked questions actually. Yeah. Like, is there a limit? Can you only sleep with someone once? No, there is no limit. Interestingly, I think we all know just how fucking hard it is to find good sex sometimes and how annoying hinge conversations are and how much tedious work goes into just getting on the first date, let alone having sex with someone. So no, there isn't a limit. We just are so open and honest about how we're feeling. So I was sort of seeing someone, I was dating a girl and I was developing feelings for her. And that was new territory for us. And we were sort of working through it and I definitely handled some things shittily and it's really trial and error that's

the thing it's it's about like figuring out because I'm not I'm learning how to first of all just to date women but also doing it while having a boyfriend and then learning how to maybe have feelings for two people at the same time like I'm struggling I'm trying to keep my head above water as well so there's just like so much at play but um I guess at the end of the day like having respect for your relationship and love for your partner is the most important thing Bianca thank you so much for being one so vulnerable so open and sharing literally like the deepest darkest corners of your soul and your relationship to us we are so grateful and so appreciative and it is so interesting to speak to somebody who is challenging our very traditional views of what

monogamy and what a happy relationship can be and for anyone who's listening to this and for anybody who has felt maybe like you know or I couldn't do that or maybe they felt uncomfortable or judgy like I think it's easy to feel judgy of somebody else's relationship when we don't understand it I just want to like maybe preface like to take a moment to think about where those feelings come from and you know just because something doesn't necessarily work for you doesn't mean that somebody else isn't completely happy and in a really safe space and so I'm really grateful for you to share your story Bianca and also we know that you have your comedy show which is Can't Be Tamed coming to fringe festivals or a comedy show across Australia when is that happening since

everybody is now in lockdown yeah look it was meant to be happening in two weeks uh but that's not happening so like tbd at this point but i'm planning on going to adelaide fringe i think that'll be the first one i can get to at this point like fingers crossed like if everyone gets a vaccine then like maybe we'll be out of here but yeah uh can't be tamed we'll be coming to a fringe festival or comedy festival near you at some point can you please tell everybody where they can find you and how they can follow you if they want to find out any more about you your relationships your comedy and everything else that you put out into the world yeah sure you can follow me on instagram at bianca is malovsky and bianca is spelt with a k instead of a c because fancy

my mom's like chris jenner just throws in a k where a c will suffice and yeah that's where you'll find everything on me and your podcast oh yeah you know i forget about it my podcast is called damsel undistressed I originally started it as you know my journey post-divorce but it sort of just turned into being this podcast about challenging society's norms on relationships and dating and being a woman Bianca you're an absolute legend thank you so much for giving us your time today and your wonderful wisdom and we wish you nothing but the best in the best sex possible in your wonderful relationship thank you for coming on life uncut thank you for having me you know we don't end an episode without our suck and our sweet, our highlight and our low light, the best

and the worst thing to happen to us in this week. And Laura, can you kickstart it for us today? I am just heading like headfirst with full excitement and enthusiasm towards Freedom Day. But my highlight of this week is that on Saturday night, Matt and I ordered China Diner. We got like fancy takeaway. We got a bottle of jalapeno margaritas and we just got a bit tipsy together and had a great, great night. Cute. It's very cute. We stayed up.

We talked. We stayed up till like 9.30 p.m. It was wild. We talked about the kids. Oh, my God. It was crazy. No, but like we spend so much time together, but sometimes it's not quality time.

So it was really nice to just like have, I don't know, like have like a couple of drinks and feel young again. Yeah. So that was my Saturday night. I love that for you and I'm happy, but I also love the fact that we've now been doing these podcasts for over two years we have one rule that the suck goes first and every week you're still throwing me the sweet first oh I always forget whatever like you know what I'm here to break rules like no one

cares no one's keeping tabs okay my suck you're such a badass yeah real real crazy rule breaker over here with my spicy jalapeno margaritas I was just really excited to tell you about them it's the best thing that's happened to me all week no I'm I'm stoked it sounds like a good night it really was and also like the weather has just gotten so good so even though we're in this perpetual lockdown we are very very fortunate in the fact that like it's not winter even just having like a nice sunny day is such a mood lifting experience that this weekend has just felt so much better than the last couple of weeks that we've had yay yay love that for us so and then my suck for the week my suck for the week is something that I've spoken about loads but it's

just still happening I'm really struggling with Lola's sleep again like she's she's kind of had another sleep regression she got really good for a little while there and was only waking up like twice during the night which is still not great but it was a lot better than what it was and now she is back to waking up like six seven times a night and it's just we're in a bit of a tricky situation at the moment because she is seven months old but we live in a two-bedroom apartment and so she's still next to us in the bassinet in the bedroom and I can't transfer her into her own cot or into her own room because there physically isn't a room we don't even have a study like it's actually quite a small apartment. So yeah, at the moment we just have to kind of keep on doing this

nighttime juggle with the kids until we can kind of find somewhere a bit bigger to live. And lockdown's making it really hard to find accommodation. And so that's just been like an ongoing battle of the last couple of months. Totally. Yeah. It really was exasperated this week. Oh, I mean, like, I don't, I can't even relate. Yeah, you can't. I can't. You actually can't like I remember the days before I had kids where I slept through an entire night what that felt like it is wild to think back on those times in my life but yeah I don't think I've slept a solid night without waking up in almost a year and a half I feel like mums say that for like the first 10 years don't they yeah I had to break a do but like thanks girlfriend you're so far off

great I got seven and a half more years to go let's do this my second suite are actually just really simple and easy ones my suck for this week is that it's hurricane season over here so that's great it just means there are a lot of hurricanes there's a lot of rain there's a lot of wild weather there's a lot of power outages so that's definitely the suck my sweet was you know what it's so simple but Jordan is so competitive and he's actually one of those people that's really good at everything that he does but he has beat me at everything that we've done we play mini golf sometimes twice a day I've been playing mini golf non-stop and I've never beat him and I beat him for the first time yesterday and that is my sweet because he it is like a monumental

feat to beat him at anything so that was my sweet of the week it's cute it's small it's nothing but it made me very happy it's all about the small little things that kind of you know contribute to the second suite but I can actually hear the thunder happening now can anybody else hear that okay so that's yeah if you guys can hear that sorry that's just started but like I said it's hurricane season and it is it is hectic it's crazy outside it usually comes in the afternoons and the evenings and it's 6 48 p.m here and it's just rolling in it's going to get insane batten down the hatches guys that is it from us thank you to everybody who's listened to the app we hope that you guys enjoyed this discussion around open relationships and hearing about bianca's very

unique experience with this and if you guys have any questions for ask uncut which is on thursday you know that you can slide into our dms at life uncut podcast also you can join in the conversation on facebook on our discussion group which is life uncut discussion group and i'd better get out of here because i feel like the roof is about to blow off so you guys know the drill tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog wow tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the love because we love love We'll see you next time.