Life Uncut - LIFE UNCUT RADIO - 1st October

Episode Date: October 1, 2022

Every Saturday we are live across the country with the Life Uncut Radio show, and here are the best bits all bundled up for your listening pleasure. We are joined by our bloody funny co-host Mitch Churi and we are unpacking all things low brow and mildly important. If you love the pod, give us a follow on @lifeuncutpodcast on instagram and join the Life Uncut Podcast Facebook Discussion group.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. I'm Midge. And this is our radio show.

So every Saturday morning across the country, we, the three of us, the three musketeers. You know, you sung this on the phone to me the other day. Britt, you weren't there, but Laura was like, you know, we really are the three best friends that anybody ever had. I don't know if that classifies when you sing the songs to each other and I'm not there. It was very dorky, wasn't it?

We were thinking about you, though. Does that count? Yes. Yeah, of course. We're telling you about it. Well, we do have a great show coming up today. I have mentioned before that I have had an unusual experience in the nude at the massage parlour.

Yes, look, I mean, Brit had, she went and had a massage and something happened to her that she got for free and probably should have paid extra for. I did not, I paid, I did not get it for free. But I wonder if usually it is an added extra. Okay, well, there was also an article which I came across today which made me feel physically sick. You were gagging at one point.

Can't even think about it. It's something that someone found in their in-flight food on a flight on their way to Dusseldorf. It's disgusting. Yeah, it was awful. Also, probably the most important thing. Happy birthday, Mitch Turi. Oh, that's not the most important thing.

Oh, I mean, it's pretty important. Mitch Turi turned 27. It's an awkward age. It's like you're not really a young adult. Like, I'm getting old. I think 27's a great year, but I would say your life is starting now. Stuff's going to get so good for you the next few years because you get to a point where, I'm speaking on behalf of myself,

But I feel like you really start to come into yourself at 27. You're in a more stable environment. Usually you're starting to earn a bit more money, meaning you can do more things. You're a bit more independent. I 100% agree with Britt. Like I think my life, like my favorite years of my entire life have been since I was 30. Really? Yeah.

Everything just got better and better from 30. For me at 27, I turned 27. So your age right now. And that is when I bought a one-way ticket to Brazil and I came back three years later. Like, I just started my adventures at 27. So I look at you like, I'm not that much older than you, but I look back at it with, like, so much nostalgia. Like, you're in the best part of your life right now.

So happy birthday. Only good things are coming your way. Britt got me a card. Maybe there's a ticket to Brazil in there. Maybe, but probably not. Maybe lose the card? Yeah, probably not. Maybe let me replace it.

I like that you say, like, I'm not that much older than you. Like, Britt, we're closer to a decade older than Mitch than what we are not. I mean, you're older than me. Only by a year. Two. One. One year.

No, but the way I'm speaking to him is like I've lived four decades longer. I was going to say, guys, we get along like a house on fire. Age is nothing. I feel like I'm the same age as you. It's only when you say you're 27 I'm like, wow, I was just doing that huge trip at that age. It's because Brittany likes the younger men. It's not that I like younger men, but Brittany doesn't discriminate.

You're the reverse Leonardo DiCaprio. No, I am the woman version. Oh, yes, Leonardo DiCaprio. I was like, what, she likes old people? No. Can't be under the age of 60. Because this is what happens. You turn 27 and all of a sudden age doesn't matter anymore.

That's what I think. Under that, it's a bit scary. It's not the worst, but it's a little bit touch and go. But once you're 27 on, Bob's your uncle. What were you doing at 27, Laura? Oh, I was having the worst relationships that anybody could ever have. At 27, I was drunk a lot, partied a lot, and had a terrible, terrible boyfriend at the time.

Okay, so my 27 was better than Laura's 27? Yeah. Awful. I look back on that and I'm just like, what an awful couple of years that was. What was I doing? Have you got anything big you want to tick off in the year of 27, Mitch? No, I'm just excited to be working with you guys more. I love you guys.

We didn't even pay him to say that. No, you didn't, but I just opened the card. I'm going to Brazil! All right, let's get into the show. It's the Life Uncut Radio show across the country. Brittany Hockley and Laura Byrne. I don't know why Laura Byrne is talking about Dusseldorf. Oh, you're gagging already.

I feel physically sick. Okay, I'm going to share this with you. So there it was. I mean, we all know that in-flight food is pretty rubbish to start with, right? I mean, I'm sure the first-class flyers don't have any problems, but for everyone else, all of us back in Cattle Pass... I would not know what that's like. Neither would I, but I imagine it's nice.

Okay, but there is somebody... Oh, gosh. There is somebody whose in-flight food was truly as rubbish as it comes. Okay, there was a flight on a... Have you heard of Sun Express? Oh, no, but it sounds like a plane that would crash. And if you haven't heard of it, there's a big problem. Okay, well, there was a flight on Sun Express.

It was flying from Turkey to Dusseldorf. And this person was served what was already a questionable meal of ravioli and spinach. I love ravioli. Yeah. Do you know what they had in their meal? Spinach? Mitch and I, like, hope for the best.

Well, amongst the spinach is this little picture. That's a photo I'm putting up. Can you make out what that is in the middle? Is that a snake head? Can you see that? That's the head of a snake. There was a severed snake head, a real snake head amongst the spinach and ravioli and they had half eaten it and it was hiding under the greens.

Oh, they thought it was a green bean. Do you know what the thing is here? This is a vegetarian meal. This was supposed to be a vegetarian meal and now there is a part of an animal in the meal. What if they were allergic to snakes? What if it was venomous? Yeah.

What about a rattletail? How does a snake head get into someone's meal? I mean, look, there's plenty of questionable things that ended up in people's food. Oh, fingernails, hair. Oh, actually, this reminds me. Once upon a time, I had a whole group of friends over. They were all Matt's friends, and it was when we just started dating. And this is something I did.

I was like, I'm going to impress them. I have this one pasta dish because I'm a terrible cook, but I can cook a really good prawn pasta. And you had it on rotation. You always cooked it. Always. New people, so I thought I could roll out the prawn pasta again. Anyway, I served it.

Actually, I've had that about four times at your place. Same. Well, I served it. And then this one guy who I'd met for the very first time, now he's a lovely dear friend, and he was sitting there and he started gagging after a few mouthfuls. And I was like, well, that's not a good sign. And I mean, like, choking.

Oh, no. Gagging. He's having an anaphylactic fit. No. What had happened was not only had a piece of my hair, and at the time I had quite long hair, ended up in his food, he had swallowed half the hair, which was still connected to the food in his mouth.

So he was choking, literally, with a piece of my hair all the way down his esophagus into his stomach. So hang on, let me just get this visual. And he was trying to pull it out like a fishing line. Someone, Laura. There was a piece of hair that had made it to the stomach, but the other, it was attached. It was still attached.

It was still in his mouth. And so he was choking because it was like, it was, and then he started pulling it out. And, oh, yeah. Like a magic trick. That makes me feel like I could vomit right now. I've had a pube in my throat before, true story. How do you know?

Was it short and curly? Because it was wiry and it had the cuticle on the end. It tasted like a pube. The cuticle, I can't. It's a white cuticle. I mean, like, this isn't funny. I've had hairs, but I had glass ones in my food. Oh, that's not funny.

That's dangerous. Do you know what? I want to know, what is the worst thing that you've found in your food? Well, it wasn't a snake's head. Not you, but everybody listening. Give us a call. Tell us what you've found in your food. 131065.

Give us a buzz. And if you've been to Laura's house and had that pasta, I want to know too. Stop tying your hair up, Laura. Do you know what? He's never come back for dinner. Don't blame him. What do I? We're talking, what did you find in your food off the back of a viral story

that's online. Oh, disgusting. There was a snake head in an in-flight meal. It's like a snake head and also part of the length of the body. It's disgusting. Is it somewhat surprising that I wasn't surprised by that? Because I'd never heard of the airline

so it was questionable to start with. I feel like I don't get shocked as much anymore because so many crazy things happen. I was like, oh, snake head in food. Do you know what? Still shocked. I mean, a bug. Fine. Cockroach. I understand. A maggot. I understand in that too.

A snakehead? Are you kidding me? Yeah, I know. Controversially, I think I would rather a cockroach than a snakehead. No, I'd rather a snakehead than a cockroach.

I'd rather a cockroach. Well, let's see what Ruby has to say. 131065. Hey, Rubes, what did you find in your food? So when I was about 10, I found a cigarette butt

cooked in my KFC chips. Cooked in your KFC chips? Are you sure it wasn't just like one of those crispy little ones that makes its way to the bottom? No, it was definitely

a cigarette butt. Had it been battered? How many secret seven spices were in it? And it was disgusting. So you didn't eat it? Oh, no. You didn't make it to your mouth? No.

But she made it all the way to the bottom to find it. That's bad enough. Yeah. Didn't realise tobacco is one of the secret seven spices. That's why they can't tell anyone. All right, let's go to Vivian. Hello, Vivian. You're on the air.

What did you find in your food, Viv? So it was three years ago. I was getting to the bottom of my fried rice and I saw a pubic hair at the very bottom of the dish. Okay, here's my question, Vivian. And how did you know it was a pubic hair? Well, it's very easy to tell whether, because if it's straight, then you know it's like pubic hair.

Who has pubic hair these days? It's curly and thick and short. Mitch also had one, and the reason he could differentiate it was that it had the cuticle attached. The white bit. Yeah, well, I didn't really want to look too much further into it, but, yeah, no, I told the waitress, and she was like, oh, so sorry about that.

Like, do you want me to get you a new mule? And I was like, no, I've already eaten, like, 90% of it. I would have said yes. I've lost my appetite. But do you think, here's my question, do you think someone's plucking them out and putting them in your food or is it an accident? I reckon they put their hand down, had a little scratch

and it made its way out. Yeah, it's very bad. I don't think it's like Salt Bae, how he sprinkles it in with his bent little arm. Let's go to Charlotte on 131065. Hello, Charlotte, what did you find in your food? Hey, guys. This was many years ago when KFC crushes were still around.

KFC. So I went through the drive-thru and I got my drink and I went to put my straw in, as you do, and I realised that, like, nothing was coming through the straw, like the straw was blocked, and it's, like, quite a thick straw because it's, like, a thick shake. And I opened the lid to have a look and I was kind of swirling around with this straw

and, to my surprise, I found about, I'd say, in between about 10 to 20 open salt packets inside my drink. Open? Wait, closed soap packets? Yeah, it's closed or open, like the little ones that you get to garnish your meal. Put on your fish and chips, yeah. Yeah, like those little ones.

They weren't open, so it didn't taste funny. It was still enclosed, but it was just full of salt packets, and it was incredibly perplexing. Someone's obviously been using it. You know how you just use it to store it? Someone's obviously thrown heaps of salt packets in. Little 17-year-old Frank didn't know it. He picked up the thick-shaped cup, whacked it straight under,

and you've got to... Yeah, those poor kids working at KFC. They work hard for their $4 an hour. I don't know any 17-year-olds called Frank. Yeah, good point, actually. I love that that's what you've taken from this story, Laura Byrne. Well, I think KFC is the common denominator here is what I'm getting. Yeah, I completely agree.

We've got one more. Laura on 131065. Hello, Laura. What did you find in your food? A metal nail. Hang on, what was the food? A vegetarian pizza. Oh, no.

It was like a screw that you'd screw into something. I actually bit down and thought it was an olive pip and I kept biting thinking that's an olive pip and then I'm like, no, it's not, and I spat it out and it was a nail. I love that you're like, I'm just going to keep getting through this pip. I'm not going to screw it up,

but I'm going to chew right through this bad boy. Time for these. So Ask Uncut is a segment. I mean, actually, it's a whole show. We do it every Thursday on the podcast. It's where you all write in your deep, your dark, your burning questions, and we do our absolute best to answer them.

I have one today. Oh, good. I'm glad someone's got one. I came prepared. I bring in a different kind of question today. One I think is pretty relatable. I am going to summarise it because it was quite long. One woman has hired someone on behalf of her friend.

A woman owns a business. Her really good friend came to her and said, my friend's out of work. Can you help her out? She's got a family. She needs help. So the friend said, yep, I'm going to employ her. I'll do you a favour and give her a job

because she came with a recommendation. Yeah, of course. Three months in and this friend that she's hired is not right for the job. She's not doing a good job. She's a bit weird, doesn't fit in as well. Now she doesn't know what to do because she's like, if I hired this woman,

if I just hired her off a job application, I wouldn't have her work for me because she's not right. But she doesn't feel like she can fire her or let her go because she's done a favour for a friend. She wants to know what to do. And I guess also if she's been out of work and her friends recommended her because she's going through a bit of a hard time.

So she's going through a hard personal time, yeah. So this is a super tricky situation. You're a small business owner, Laura. I am, but I think it's difficult, because especially when you own a small business, ultimately you have to do what's right for the business, and you can't employ someone and keep someone employed just out of the goodness of your own heart.

Well, it's not like it's Amazon with 25,000 employees around the world. No, and I think it's different. Sometimes when you have a big company, employees who aren't necessarily stepping up or doing a good job can go unnoticed. But when you're a small company, if someone's not doing a good job, it's very, very obvious. My thought first, before you fire her, before you just get rid of her, is she trainable? Or is this person you've employed, can you upskill them? Can you do something to make them be more proactive in the role? Are they able to improve? And if that's not

a possibility, or that seems too hard for you, or you're not able to provide them with the training, you have to let them go. I think 100%, you need to have a review. Now, Maybe you don't do reviews at your work, but make it up. Just say it's time for your three-monthly review. We do one every 12 weeks. When you start, let's... We've just started this. We do them weekly.

And if I don't like it, you get fired. That's what happens with everyone. And then treat her like a normal employee. Of course, she's a friend of a friend, but treat her like an employee and then just say, hey, these are the things I think we can work on. I don't think you're meeting. Do you think you can come to the table? And then you're going to have to re-evaluate,

make up another review at six months and then re-evaluate. Well, it is hard, though, because it's a friend. And what if I lost my job here at Kiss, here at the radio station, Laura, and I had to be hired at Tony May to make necklaces? What would you do at Tony May? Tell me what you would do for a job. I'd hammer the stones into the silver.

You're not getting hired. I don't know if I can upskill you to train you to do that. You would be on the street spruiking that jewellery. You'd be amazing. Yes, I'd be good. Yeah, look, I mean, I have seen you as the cash cock and I know that you would do well. If you could dress up in something and sell some jewellery for me,

that would be fine. The Tony May mascot. It's just you with a wing, me with a wing on. It's not bad. If you guys do have questions, write them in. You can send them to Life Uncut Podcast on Instagram. Just put an ask uncut and we're going to do our best to help you out. I have something I want to ask you and you also, Brittany.

I feel like you would be a firm no. You might be a maybe. Oh. Don't point that finger at us. She's pointing aggressively at me and I'm like, I'm a no and you're a maybe. There is a trend on TikTok at the moment. Oh, another one. I love a TikTok trend.

I'm a TikToker. Still not on TikTok over here. Okay. No one says that, by the way. I'm a TikTok king. They're a 36-year-old mum. I'm a TikTok ting. I called it the TikTok the other day and someone was like, oh, you can't.

Yeah, I know. It's disgusting, isn't it? We really need to stop. Okay, so there is a new trend and it is called perineum sunning. Now, does one know what entails? I know what the perineum is, yes. So I feel like I might need, like, I shouldn't say I might need to give a biology lesson, but I didn't know what it was and I had to look it up.

If you don't know what a perineum is, it's the bit of skin in between your legs that's not a functioning hole. It's like the gateway between the front and the back. Yeah, it's the smooth passage. So basically the TikTok trend is that you need to go out into the sun for 10 minutes every day and present your backside hole to the sun and that is like a way of increasing your vibrations. Let me go into that a little bit more in a second.

The sunlight is meant to be invigorating. It's meant to help bring more joy, more happiness to your life. It's meant to be an incredible way of getting extra vitamin D. So instead of being out in the sunlight for half an hour or you just have to do 10 minutes. So many jokes you could make. I don't believe a word of this. So this is the thing.

This has millions of views on TikTok. How do you do it? I don't have a mental image. Are you on your stomach? No, you'd have to be on your back and put your legs up. That's where it is. There are so many videos. This one woman is, I can show you the video, Mitch.

She's just like bent over and she's just presenting herself to the sun. But here it goes. Hi. Hi, I just wanted to let you guys know about the latest rage called perineum sunning. It's where you expose your butthole to sunlight for 30 seconds. It's the equivalent of walking around with your clothes on in the sun all day. Vitamin D sucking it up. Vitamin D sucking it up.

The thing that's so problematic is they heard kids are in the background jumping into the pool. Okay, but the reason why... Don't say but. I think this is a load of rubbish. Well, the reason why I saw this and then I had to tell you all is because quite a while ago, much like obviously pre-Matt, pre-me falling in love with the beautiful Maddie J, I dated a guy who now lives in Bali and he talks about perineum sunning on his Instagram account all the time and posts photos of him just lying outside with his legs in the air.

You know why I'm calling that this woman that you just played is just like absolutely full of sun. She's full of the sun. I was going to say SHIT, but that would have been pretty funny. Nope, not with your legs open around your head. Do you know why? because she's bending over backwards and this is just because, you know,

I did a degree in this, not perineum sunning, but the body, if you bend over backwards, your perineum can't even see the sun unless the sun is just rising. Like that's not, she's like, I'm sunning my butt. That's not your perineum. So you're not getting any benefit. Yeah, if you're bent right down,

I think she's quite flexible. She's right down, her backside is right in the air. Unless she's doing a headstand and the sun is coming in horizontally, she's not hitting that perineum. That sun is rising and she's doing a downward dog. The last thing I want to say on this is, Okay, no one likes to get sunburned.

I'm guessing it's an area you can't slather on the sunscreen. Imagine getting a sunburned bum hole. Oh, my God. Babe, can you get the aloe vera? I'll just bend over in the kitchen. You're absolutely right, Laura. This is something that I would not do, no. Mitch, would you?

Mitch, I think he's a maybe. I was going to say, Laura, you know me too well. I'm a maybe. Yeah, I'm a solid maybe. Brittany Hockley, get this off your chest. There's been something, Laura, that she's been rambling on. I've got a story. I've got a story.

She hasn't told us. Now is your time. Why don't you say chest? Let me get something off my chest because it was on my chest. I recently got a massage. I love massages. There's nothing. I could have one every day of my life.

You know, some people don't like to be touched. They get touched out. People cannot touch me enough. I remember you once saying, I'm going to get a massage because I just want someone to touch me. And I was like, don't out me on the show. That makes me sound pretty desperate. I'll come here. I'll cuddle you.

We can do it. We can touch you. My love language, guys, it's physical touch. And I don't get that. That's why I'm obsessed with my dog. Anyway, we're trailing off. Okay, but you went and you had a massage recently. It was amazing.

Rubbed me down. Let me take you back. Hold on, I have some. Tell us what happened. The cowbell in that didn't really set the scene, did it? I don't know. Am I in Switzerland, in the country? Scottish Highlands?

I don't know. That's all I had. So I'm having this beautiful massage. It's quite sensual. It's deep tissue. I'm feeling really good. Does the old, would you flip over now? Lay on your back, please.

Close your eyes and relax. I flip over and then out of nowhere, She starts to massage my breasts. Very sensually big, round, circular motions. Now, I'm trying to, you know when something starts to happen and you don't know? Under my little eye mask, my eyes were bulging out of my head. Wait, did she ask if she could massage your boobs? No.

It just happened. Now, I want to be clear here. You could have been breastfeeding. Yeah. Well, what I want to say is it took me by surprise, but it felt very good. so i was having this internal monologue of like i don't know if this is normal i'm definitely not paying extra you're conflicted i was conflicted because also i was like i'm gonna roll with this right now because it my breasts were sore i've been doing push-ups it felt really nice and

really it wasn't sexual at all were you like where are we heading yeah i guess she was just like it's another some lumps of body here i'm gonna massage but what did you book did you book the tip massage or did you get head shoulders back yep there was i didn't get head shoulder a back tit i haven't seen that one no that wasn't on the menu but i got a full body and i guess i guess as a technicality this is a full body but my wait wait wait wait you as somebody who goes and gets a lot of massages all the time not standing how many times yes how many times has this happened twice right yes and the second time it happened i got washed down like someone had to wash something off me they stood me up and they threw buckets of water on me that was a whole

nother experience i feel like massages though like you you never really kind of walk in there and know exactly what's going to happen. Things always get a bit weird. But I once had someone put on their gloves. Like, they massaged my whole body. That's always a worry. And then towards the end, she walked over to the basin and she put on plastic gloves.

And I was like, what are we doing now? What? And she walked back over and then she stuck her thumb inside my mouth and massaged my cheeks. Oh, from the inside. See, I've actually had that. That's good. No, you didn't ask.

Imagine going to a massage parlour and someone not even saying, can I please put my fingers in your mouth? Yeah, true. What about can I massage your breasts? But that's my question, right? Should this be something that's expected in a full body massage as it is part of your body? Or should it be something that's asked?

Because I rolled with it and it was fine. I'm not complaining, okay? It just took me by surprise and I don't know if it's standard. As someone who's had two kids and has very much breastfed two children, if someone just, you can't just go there. No, when I was in Bali with you guys recently, a couple months ago, I had the disposable undies on. You know how they massage you in the ones that melt away

with one drop of water? And she goes, time for a shower. I go, shower? We're halfway through. She puts me in the shower and turns on the faucets for me and stands there with her arms crossed. What, watching you shower? Yeah, Miss Trunchbull.

Putting me in the chokie. From Matilda, Miss Trunchbull. I'm like, what are you going to do? And she stood there, so I just went under the water and showered in front of her. So you decided to shower and dissolve your undies while she watched you on? I put dissolvable undies on see-through.

Did she think you were going to steal the dissolvable undies? What was that about? No, because you can take them home. Or did she want to make sure you washed yourself down? Yeah, I think she wanted to make sure I got the oil off. I don't know. It was very uncomfortable. Well, this is the question, right?

I think a lot of stuff goes down in the massage parlour. Yes. So I reckon let's put the call out. Yeah, what happened to you? Every single person has had a weird massage story. Yeah, I agree. What happened to you in the massage parlour? And is it okay to just go straight for the boob kill?

We don't want the real sordid things. If you've been doing some things at some massage parlours, don't call us about those ones. We want the funny stuff. Yeah, do that in private. 131065, we'll take your calls next. We were talking just before. Welcome to the Life Uncut Massage Parlour.

I absolutely love the background music that you put on for this. Yes, guys, I went and treated myself to a massage. I like to be touched. Physical touch is my love language. Sometimes I need to get that from someone else. Sometimes I do need to pay them. Yeah, of course. And we came to the consensus that everyone has had a crazy moment

in a massage parlour. Everyone has had a crazy moment. I had a little rubdown that I didn't know was included. In the rubdown, Laura, someone put their finger in your mouth. at the parlour or did I miss something? Britt had they massaged her breasts

is what the story was and then I shared a story about how yeah somebody put gloves on and then they massaged the inside of my cheeks which I did not know that that was a very

stressed out area but apparently so. Britt and I love it we get that all the time. It's so weird. You know what especially when we talk for a living

I mean like I don't know what you're doing with yours mouth but I talk a lot so I think you don't know it's sore until someone rubs your inside of your mouth.

We put the call out 131065 what happens here in the massage parlour Bernadette, hi, welcome to the show. Hi. What happened to you? I was having a lovely relaxing massage at a Thai massage place

and she often, I've been there lots of times, and she often just, you know, she uses her elbow or a little tool and all of a sudden when she was working in the middle of my back I felt something really sharp and I said, oh, what's that? Thinking, you know, she's found some interesting tool and she started to giggle and just said pimple and she squeezed the pimple that I'd been there. I didn't even know I had.

She popped a back pimple whilst being in the middle of a massage? She didn't ask. I don't know if she used a tissue. It was so gross. And she giggled. She probably didn't use a tissue. If she's not asking, she's not getting a tissue. Do you think it was unintentional?

No, I think she just couldn't help it. It was deliberate. Although, when you see a good pimple, you've just got to go for it, don't you? Not me. Matt hates it. I always pop his pimples. Oh, you're a pimple-popping couple. So much.

No, he hates it. Well, that's okay because you guys are getting married. This is a massage therapist. I don't know if she's allowed to talk to people. This is true. Let's go to Cassandra. Hi, Cassandra. What happened in the massage parlour?

I had my eyeballs rubbed, my eyelids. So I might have been pretty crappy that day. And then they proceeded to stick their fingers in my ear. In your ear? Wait, sorry. They massaged your eyelids and then put their fingers into your ear. That's what I heard, right? Yes, yes, correct.

What happened once the finger was in the ear? Wait, really? So they put it in there. They pressed really hard and then they pulled it out really quick to make, like, a pop sound. Was this a qualified massage therapist? Like, is this somebody who's had any training? I don't think so.

I think they were running out of time. Well, sorry, they were running out of ideas. It was just trying to make up time. They do do those fake cracks. If you notice, even with the fingers, they sometimes click their fingers and they go, oh, good cracks. They go, you just clicked it. You're like, it's my body.

I actually know that that didn't crack. I can feel that it didn't crack. That's so funny. Thanks, Cassandra. Let's go to Gabby. I believe, is Gabby a masseuse? We've had a masseuse call through. Yeah, Gabby's a masseuse.

Hi, Gabby. Gabby's from Sarsin Massage Parlour. Hi, Gabby. Hi, guys. How are you? Well, I'm great because I had a breast massage, so I'm feeling alive. Oh, my goodness. Gabby, now that you are here, you can tell us, is this normal?

So Britt went and had a massage done, and the masseuse massaged her breasts without asking. Look, that's definitely a no. It's not right. I believe that if we were giving this type of massage, my boss would be rich by now. acceptable it's not acceptable and as as massage therapies we really need to keep a clear communication at all times and letting you know where we are massaging so if you come to me saying that you're having some pain on your pec muscles we are always dealing with muscles so you're going to say i'm going to do a proper draping around your pec muscles and then massage around it but

never on the breast not even if they ask me right so you wouldn't you would never say to someone as like an option would you like your breast massage no way no way it is weird because that massage parlour brit went to was called happy ending so it was basically asking for it it was absolutely not and like to be clear everybody i did not pay there was no happy ending i did not pay extra this was not a thing that i went to she got it for free if you want a safe massage go to sarsen go see gabby your life uncut is the code get a discount i made that up thanks so much thanks Just for clarifying, Gabby, I'm definitely going straight back to that parlor. It's time for a little update.

Come on. Laura's Intimacy Challenge. Oh, no. Okay. Look, I've spoken about this a couple of times over the last few weeks. Maddie J and I are doing the Intimacy Challenge. Now, if you don't know what that is, it is that you have to be intimate with your partner every day for 30 days.

And it might seem that there's so many people out there who are not intimate with their partners that they had to make a whole challenge around it. Yeah. But just to be clear, right, for those playing at home, this does not just mean sex every day. This could be any sort of connection. So you didn't discover that until a week in.

So you thought that you were grinding every day. That was the wrong use of words. That is definitely not what we're doing. We're essentially loving each other. That's too much for my mum probably. I think grinding's better than that. Okay, so every day you have to have or have done something that carves out time with your partner.

That's intimate time. We are coming to the end. Do you know what? It's actually been, as much as I make lots of jokes, it's actually been really special because it's so easy, especially when you have two kids, to just get through the days or get through the weeks and you realise, oh, I haven't really kissed my partner today.

And as much as, like, you know, we speak all the time, we spend so much time together, it's so easy for days to kind of just slip by and you haven't actually been intentionally intimate with your partner. Or had, like, any sort of a real connection other than, like, surviving. Surviving, or like talking about the kids or talking about work or just like the stuff that doesn't make you feel close even though you're spending lots of time together.

So we've done the whole gamut. We've done everything from... Oh, okay, we get the details. Wow, I didn't think we were going to go into it. We've done it all, we've done it all, okay? But as time progressed, let me tell you, some of the sex challenges stopped and it was more around just like staring into each other's eyes

and holding hands and having kisses and everything else. But the reason why we found it really hard to do every single day. There are so many puns I'm missing. I know. And it's terrible. All my brain's going into overdrive. But the reason why it's been so hard is because we have a toddler. So I guess my question is, do we share a bed with our three-year-old comes and sleeps in our bed every night?

Yes. It's hard. This really is a genuine question. Knowing that you have gone in with the intention for 30 days, because that is the challenge, even though you've been trying, have there been days you've actually missed? Have there been days that, like, even though it's on your to-do list, you just haven't been able to get there? Well, there was two days that we missed because Matt was away.

So, obviously, that made it a little bit more challenging. But we did make time, I mean, you know. You did it twice in one day? No, no, no. We did make time to have, like, a lovely FaceTime. And I'm not talking about a saucy FaceTime. But we just, we really, like, spent some time having a catch-up together. Like, you stared at each other through the screen.

So, is there a journal, Laura? Like, a sex book? Are you putting this on a calendar in the kitchen? No, we're not keeping a diary of the whole thing. Chalk on the wall like you're in Shawshank Redemption? say this for anybody out there who's a couple uh you know and you feel like maybe you have lost a little bit of the spark in your relationship or you know that you haven't been as intimate with your partner as what you would like it's such a good way of just kick-starting and being really

intentional with making time for your for your relationship yeah yeah and for me i guess the biggest thing i've taken out of it so far is that when you are doing those things and when you are intimate with your partner when you do have the fights or the crappy days or the kids are driving you crazy. It just makes everything else better. Well, I'm happy to hear you've been getting lucky and you've gotten closer. Should we do it next, the three of us, as a show couple? As a throuple? Should we do the intimacy challenge?

Why not? Let's do it. Let's do a PG friend version. How do we do that? Just stare into each other's eyes and hold hands? We can cuddle. We can play a vigorous game of Uno. We can hold hands. There's nothing wrong with that. Laura, I'll come up with a list. We'll get back to you. I'm just looking forward to not having to go and sneak off into my daughter's bed every so often.

Oh my god. Well, she's in sleeping now so we have to go to hers. It's terrible. Is it a cot? What is it? No, it's a single bed. Oh, my God. So, guys, that's enough of the sexy time. That is it for us today.

But we do have a huge announcement. Our book, Life Uncut, we love love. Laura and I, we did write a book. It is coming out on the 5th. We are so, so excited about it. This took us 18 months of blood, sweat and tears. Some really deep parts of us, some light, fluffy parts, some funny parts. But it is hitting the universe in a few days' time.

So exciting, guys. It is. You can get your, like, hard copy covered book, I don't know, whatever everyone calls it. you don't even have to get a Kindle version or you can get the audiobook version, but it comes out on Wednesday and there's so much love that's gone into this book and you can jump onto lifeuncutpodcast.com.au

and all the details are there. Don't forget, tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love! See you in a week.