Life Uncut - Live Show Diaries - Ellidy Pullin

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

Hey lifers, Today's episode is from our conversation with the incredible Ellidy Pullin at one of our live shows!Ellidy initially joined the podcast in February 2022. You can listen here if you'd like a refresh. When we first spoke, Ellidy's baby was a newborn! In today's chat, she turned 2 years old and we got to catch up on where life has taken the two of them over the last 2 years.We spoke about: -it 'taking a village' to raise a child -how grief evolves and can takes different shapes and forms -how trauma dumping can pull you backwards -the story they tell Minnie -whether dating again is on the cards   If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm producer Keisha and I hope that you are having such an unreal summer. You've been able to kick the feet up, take some time off. Perhaps you're listening from the other hemisphere so it might be winter for you. Britt and Laura are taking some very well deserved time off over the summer and And so usually over the summer break, we bring you what we call some walk down memory lanes. So they're flashback episodes to some of our favorite times in the past. But for this year, we thought, hang on a second. Do you know what I think they'd like a lot more?

Is some brand new content, some fresh content that they have never heard before. So back in October, we did seven incredible live shows all across the country. We had some of the most amazing people join us on stage. and that's what we are going to be dropping. Some of the interviews, some of the conversations that Britt and Laura have with these guests at some of the live shows in their own little standalone episodes. And so today's is the very first. It is a conversation that we had with someone who you might be familiar with because she joined the podcast initially back in February of 2022. It is the incredible Elodie Pullen. Now, if you'd like to listen to that episode,

I will link it in the show notes so that you can go back and have a refresh because when Elodie first joined the podcast, her daughter Minnie was a newborn baby. She was so small and so delicate and so tiny. And at the live show, it was actually kind of coincidentally Minnie's second birthday. Now, Minnie was brought into the world in a very unusual way. It was through a process called sperm retrieval. And that was because Elodie's beautiful partner, Chumpy, passed away in July of 2020. So this conversation is a bit of a catch-up between Laura Britt and Elodie of where life has taken Elodie since they first spoke to her on the podcast. In this episode, they talk about it taking a village to raise a child, how grief evolves and can take different

shapes, how trauma dumping can pull you backwards. Elodie really shared a lot of what her social presence has meant, you know, in the healing of other people, but also in how it can kind of hinder her own healings. They also speak about how Chumpy is in Minnie's life and the story that they tell Minnie about her dad and about all of the other people that are involved in bringing her up and whether dating could be on the cards again for Elodie. So I hope you really love this conversation from the live show between Brit Laura and Elodie Pullen. Guys, we're up to our last guest of the evening and she's a very, very special person, a very special friend of the podcast. We've had her on before a couple of years ago.

She is homegrown. She's a local here on the Gold Coast. And three years ago, she lost her partner, Chumpy. And it was a story that really stops you in your tracks. And I know when we heard it, I just cannot imagine what that would be like. She is one of the hosts of the amazing podcast Darling Shine. She hosts that with Chloe Fisher, who's here as well. So please give a huge, huge welcome, Elodie Pullen.

And you look... Darling, darling, seventh hug of the night. I know. Okay, I'm going to refill. Oh, you want me... You're going to sit on my lap. Wow. I'm in the most uncomfortable dress ever.

So am I. I'm like, what were we thinking? We're like, oh, how do we sit? Wow, there's so many people. Scary. Welcome. Welcome to the podcast. We're going to kick off with an accidentally unfiltered. Oh, okay, okay, okay. So I was thinking about this before I'm going to stick with the poo theme.

Yep, great. Great. We do love it. Okay, so... Lol, I've got to really remember this story. I was, like, 16. Me and my friend were out one night. She was trying to hook up with a guy. I was like, I'm a great wingman, but I don't know about this guy,

so I'm going to go home with, like, you guys. and obviously, like, it's not, like, a threesome situation. I'm going to sleep over here and you guys have fun over there. And then in the morning she had to poo really badly and, like, clogged the toilet up. She must have used heaps of toilet paper. And she was like, oh, fuck, like, get in here. And I was like, what's going on?

But this is classic her. Like, she does this shit. I'm like, bro, you know not to use that much toilet paper. Like, you fuck. She does this to lots of toilets. and um she's like no seriously like we're gonna have to like pick it up and tuck it out the window I'm like like she's done this before and it was like quite a high we're in a unit quite high I was like you're gonna hit someone like this is kind of you could knock them out yeah so she

got the bag that was in the bin put the poo in the bag and then we put the poo in my handbag you are a good friend we're just like awkwardly like lingering around like his lounge room with like a poo in my handbag carrying my friend's fucking poo and then he comes and he's like oh yeah oh the toilet's like not working or something because she must have left heaps of toilet paper still in there we're like oh just like smelling this poo and then I'm like we have to go it was just so awkward I'm I was thinking the whole time home I'm like I just reckon we should have chucked it out the window how did no one there was a poo in your bag was it not waffling out it was i pick up my dog's poo all the time and i clean my kids poo all the time

and i put her dirty nappies in my bags and shit like now i don't even think when you're a mom you're like it's fine there's a shit in my bag it's okay my friends poo like we're both 16 i'm like i don't need to carry your poo she owes you a solid not a solid poo but like she owes you a solid she owes me one hey yes big time can you for anyone who doesn't know your you're tucking me back in sorry I should cut them off okay for anyone who doesn't know your story which I know most people here have heard parts of it or most of it can you give us a little bit of an overview of what happened and how you came to have your beautiful little girl yeah okay so weird story can't even believe it's still true like yeah just every day I'm like what the fuck um so my partner

and me we were together for like eight yeah like eight and a bit years we were trying for a baby we just got like our new house dream house um got a dog all that jazz like frothing to have a kid like couldn't wait to fall pregnant and then one day he went out spearfishing and didn't come home essentially he just passed out under the ocean and he died he had a shallow water blackout um which is like when you hold your breath for too long and you just like I don't know I liked I think he just went to sleep under the water um and yeah so he just like walked out the door that day and never came home anyway my really amazing friend Laura who's actually in the crowd here somewhere tonight but like I'm gonna freak out if I see their faces I'll get really nervous but um she came yes Laura

where are you and um actually we also met at her party too so I feel like she just plays the most pivotal role in my life um we where was I up to Laura she came up with like a light bulb moment she was like I know you can do this thing called sperm retrieval I know someone that did it or something I'm like what the fuck does that even mean but yeah let's do that thing you know so weird we're in such state of shock we didn't even know what was going on we were literally floating me and his family were just like what what is the world like we've just found out that Trump's passed away you know like what is life how long after is this are we talking hours Elodie or yeah so like yeah like 35 or six hours or something like that I think it can last up to a few days

but like legally you have to get it in a certain amount of time so there's like a procedure that they do and they harvest the sperm and then yeah I guess later on down the track if you want to use it to have a baby you can so with like his parents um consent and all that I had a little bubby and yeah she's two today actually weird oh happy birthday mini if you're out there happy birthday when we first interviewed you on the podcast mini was a newborn baby she was so tiny that's right she was so tiny she was in there we were doing it in brits um in her lounge room mini was being held by producer keisha and you were a brand new mum and you were navigating what that is but on your own and the thing that I think has been so beautiful about watching from afar and

watching your parenting experience is that it hasn't been on its own because you've had and built such an incredible community around you can you tell us a little bit about what that village has been like and how even though you're a single mum you've been doing it with all of your closest people yeah like that phrase it takes a village has just never been more profound like or just like been more real to me like literally I have the most amazing people around me and I kind of knew that I would because Trump and I have really close friends and just just like family like friends but I don't think I've realized how crazy it would be bringing up a child alone and I like power to amazing women that go through it you know with a sperm donor and have kids like on their own

just you know and I obviously I did that I made that choice to go and do that but I felt like I'll have epic support but I underestimated like just how epic so I've got like my best friend Chloe that I do the podcast with like you just said and her amazing partner Fisher who literally are some Fisher fans close here too and they are like literally I like my poor kids definitely confused like she actually calls them both mum and dad as well so she like Minnie just has so many parents like all my friends literally act like her mum and dad it's so cute and my brother's super hands-on and my mum's amazing like it's brought everyone so together and like my yeah like just yeah my mum was so down and depressed and like Minnie's just made her smile again and

it's so cute was there ever a time just going back to the sperm retrieval was there ever a moment because when you say it was happened so quickly and you have to make these decisions in life that almost instantaneous was there ever a moment where you thought maybe I won't do that were you wrestling with it at all or when you found out that that was an opportunity were you like I'm fucking doing this so the sperm retrieval like question when when we were like you know when we just found out he passed that was like a no brainer we were like that sounds so weird but like okay like all right like our brains were just so vacant but I don't even know if you asked that actually but then later on when we I literally didn't think like I was so numb I literally took

me months to even form a tear I didn't even know what was going on like I cry now more than ever but back then I was just like well like you know everyone else around me was crying and I was like cool you're literally carrying me and you're crying for me I felt nothing it was actually an awful feeling because I was just like this shell and I wasn't thinking about a baby at all it actually really wasn't in my head it happened like overnight I reckon like five or six months later I was like I kind of just woke up feeling super strong and like I was like I've got to explore this I've got to book an appointment at least hear from the doctor and see what the possibilities are and how like viable the sperm is and if this is like if this thing could really

work I actually don't think I thought it was real or that it would actually could actually work you know i was like fuck i better try it out if it happens it happens like that's meant to be and it happened god pretty quickly yeah that yeah so then i started the ivf process and the first round didn't work in the second round i got mini moose so i'm so lucky because obviously i um something you just said i think was really interesting to me but i think it's going to intrigue a lot of people and it's it's the idea around grief and what grief should look like because you said for six months you didn't even cry you just got on with life why do you think that that was a subconscious or a conscious thought or just a protection mechanism that you

were like if I cry and grieve it's real and it's easier just to pretend not pretend like it didn't happen because obviously you can't do that but just to motor on with life and then all of a sudden it just hits you like a snowball yeah I think I was so nervous I was like why why am I not feeling anything like it's about to hit me like a bus and I feel like I seriously might die like I'm so nervous for when this wave of grief happens and thank god it just started coming in like slowly like like little waves of it would just come thank god it wasn't like a bus but it it was the weirdest thing because I wanted to cry because it feels good to cry right like you're letting it out it just feels so good but like so yeah I'd be out with I just kept so busy I was just like I'm

quite a realistic practical person so I'd be like cool well I still need to walk my dog every day I still need to get my coffee I still need to eat I still need to do shit like I just kept going and I just stayed so busy which yeah is kind of weird but I think that was my coping mechanism but then I'd be with like my friends and I'd catch myself laughing and I'd feel so guilty and I'd be like that's like is like how can I be smiling he's like literally like not breathing right now like he's like you know and I'm fucking laughing and we'll do the interview from over here now no no sweet wow I didn't know I was gonna cry it's been an emotional day I think she's like two today and all that yeah that's sweet but um so that's that grief we got this that was a wave we just felt a

little baby wave nah um but yeah I think I think you just feel there's like so many times you feel guilty so laughing was scary and then I just I laugh all the time now I fucking don't stop laughing it's like annoying got one of those no it's great like me hey I mean I was about to say how do you feel like your grief has changed over the three year period from then to now but obviously like you just saw now you don't even expect it so it still hits you in these unexpected moments yeah 100% hits me probably more now that than ever like it did before I think maybe like I'm over the whole newborn phase which kept me super busy like she's two now she's a real person I'm kind of like back to normal just everything and like I feel so grounded and like I mean I don't

know I don't know how to explain it but it's like the dust is settled and shit and like obviously everyone else's life goes on which is like normal and and mine obviously has but yeah it's like weird I just like find myself so much more griefy now and you like the the main thing people tell you when you go through this shit is like time it takes time like you'll be sweet in like two years and shit like that and I'm like fuck it's been three years and I'm like I'm sweet but sometimes I'm not sweet and I definitely thought I don't know it's like I thought it'd be way more sweet than I am I actually get so emotional but it's normal we'll just be emotional forever it's kind of it's good to let it out in front of 900 people do you feel like we have to go over there

I feel like we're on top of you I think anyone who's I mean any mum knows how much having color Blocking sorry we're like a pack of Skittles we are Skittles sorry sorry I feel like anyone who has children experiences this like identity shift and they experience such a change because I mean becoming a mum is it it's such a huge transformation that you go through but when you're going through that alongside grief I can only imagine how that changes you in unexpected ways as well what has been do you find the biggest impact that having Minnie has had for you I think just keeping me so present and so busy like I I think like I have so many people that are like you do too much slow down like it's not normal how much you do like you need to

fucking stop and be sad and fall into a heap and like that will be therapy for you and shit and I sometimes feel guilty that I haven't really done that um but yeah I don't know I always say I grieve on the go and I just stay busy I mean it keeps me busy like you can't just chill when you have a two well yeah when you have a kid and but but no I think just like keeping me present and I don't know just like I honestly barely remember being a kid like you know when people like I remember my first memory I was like two I remember like you know I'm like what I don't remember anything before I was like fucking 10 I swear like dead set I I don't remember anything like in general but like I really don't have any memories so I love that I'm kind of like

experiencing her childhood and like i feel like i can remember bits from mine weirdly again it's like deja vu's happening or something or yeah it's just cute seeing the world through her eyes you know oh you share your beautiful podcast darling shine with chloe and the two of you have created something so incredibly special and it's something that we i mean we feel so proud of being a part of this podcasting world where we get to share stories and connect with all of you and that's exactly what you have created with Darling Shine and your community and you've connected through your own unique stories and both of them have been centered in their own unique way around grief how do you deal with when you are experiencing your own grief when you're going through your

own big things that everybody wants to then share what they've experienced because I feel like when you've got a big community like that someone's connected with you because you've experienced it and then they go well I want to share with you my story so all day long it's almost like this trauma dumping that happens is that not hard for you do you not have moments where you're like i'm dealing with my own shit and i don't have time for yours right now yes a hundred percent okay so when chump first died i was that person that would reach out to widows and like i'd say you know this widow in the state and her partner states and her partner died and like she kind of had to do it all in the public eye and i felt like that too and i was like really like onto her messaging her and i

was like she's not giving me much like what a bitch and yeah I was like I'm dying here and she's just brushing me but then other widows would be amazing and we'd like form amazing such tight relationships and I don't know what I would do without those widows I hate that word like I hate it but at the start I used it a lot um so that's why I'm remembering it but now I get that because I get so many messages every day and like just people come up in the streets and they tell me these horror stories and yeah like well especially the messages I'm like oh I just can't reply to all of you I hate that or I can't I can't like I almost feel worse if I reply and acknowledge what you said and not delve into it with you and like be your friend that you need

right now and like fully form this relationship where we're going to chat every night because like you're going to bring me the fuck back to square one I'm going to feel weird and numb again and have to relive all that shit and i don't know i'm just like i i had this dream that i would start like i don't know this thing this platform where i could just group all of them together so they could all find their little friends within each other and like i would be free how do you protect yourself set me free then how do you protect yourself i thought that was so deep then but then you were like bye yeah this is like it's like trauma trauma trauma that made people laugh no but it's true because like and I and I say this from from my personal experience in terms of like

we've spoken about miscarriage on the podcast a lot it's nothing in comparison but when every day people are sharing their story there comes a point where you're like I care but I but I can't care about this right now with you because I don't have the emotional cup left and I guess when your community the it's it is so beautiful and what you guys have created is so incredibly special but I wonder where and how you set those boundaries with people and I guess the fact that now you have that network where you can say go and do that between yourselves and we can share our stories but this is where that that sort of barrier sits is so important for your own self-preservation as well a hundred percent and like we were just actually having this story um just back there

with em about how it is when like because you do share so much and people think you're friends so they come up to you and they're like l and i'm like who like i'm like where have we seen each other again like you just forget like because they think you're friends and then they've got this story to tell you and i'm like shit i'm just still trying to remember how we've met and like you you want to give them like everything and i don't know it's it's really hard it's a weird situation what do you tell i don't mean to sound like a flaw it is a unique situation people come up to me no it doesn't no no but it totally is but what do you tell mini so she's two today i feel like that's an age where they're starting to understand a lot more than people

probably give them credit for but from the outside we see fisher and chloe like you're two of your closest friends yeah fish we see them we say fisher almost step in like a dad figure and if you were watching his Instagram, it just seems like Chloe and Fisher, they are a step-in mum and a step-in dad. But then I saw a beautiful video just a few nights ago of you and Chloe encouraging Minnie to kiss a picture of Chumpy goodnight and say goodbye to goodnight to dad. And it was the cutest, sweetest thing, most wholesome thing I've ever seen. But how do you explain these relationships to her i think she's confused for sure i need to get we need to get better at our storytelling i mean like i have books where i'm like you know we have dad in the sky and i tell

her every morning like who's in the sky and she's kind of she's she'll be like daddy in the sky but like she calls everyone dad she calls heaps of people dad she called like she calls me dad she calls chloe dad she's confused yeah she's definitely a bit confused but what we yeah so i I keep the narrative always like chumpy is not here he loves you he's looking after you he's in the sky like he's always around kind of thing or he's in the ocean and blah blah blah so we yeah I try and I try and keep I try and keep it more chumpy focus because I never want to take the opportunity for her to maybe call someone dad and like my brother's name's Dave and I sometimes think oh maybe that's cute because she could like I don't know if he's picking her up

from school it's like i don't know i i just think dave and dad are kind of similar and like maybe the other kids won't tease her if she has like someone that's called starting with d picking her up or something or something weird like that but then i don't know like nah that was yeah something something like do you know what i mean like your father kids are like dad and she's like you know a bit of that ellen we spoke about this a lot i'm so weird no you are fucking amazing we spoke about this backstage and you mentioned that you're at this weird place in your life now where all your friends are saying like you should date you should get on hinge you should like they're trying to set you up with people where are you at in terms of your life and like

could you see yourself dating again have you shut that door for yourself because normally I guess when you think of someone who's been and I know you said you hate the word widowed but like when you are someone who has lost their partner so young it's you think like surely they're going to meet someone again one day can you see that for yourself yeah my friends in the crowd are so stoked that you asked that because they just they asked us to ask you every day they stitch me up and just try and put me on like dating apps and things like that I'm not that I'm not like I'm not a dating app girl I don't like I reckon they're epic and I've got so many friends that have have like you know their marriages and stuff from that but I don't know I just want to like

meet someone at Woolies or uh yeah I can see I I will date I don't know if I'm like you literally just skyped my boyfriend Ben and she goes do you have any friends no Chloe said that I did not say that also he lives overseas I was like fuck that I don't need any difficulty very little commitment though so it's fine yeah that's actually really good well that's the problem because my friends are like though you should start dating or like dating apps and blah blah blah I feel so busy I don't want to have anyone like I'm not I'm not keen to have anyone I'm scared of like I don't know I don't want to I don't want to lead anyone on or think that I don't want anyone in my life I'm so sweet

I want Minnie and me I'm keen to have fun and all that shit but I don't want anyone, no one's moving in no one's moving in Do you feel like there's a level of guilt attached to that at all, like you feel like it's not it's not fair to move on

Not anymore, I think at the start I was like oh my god, no way like I thought what the fuck life's gone I could never you know be with someone properly or like like in a relationship or like marry anyone or you know be like heaps with someone um but now I'm like life is so short like I just want to have fun I want to be with really cool people and just do whatever comes my way like I will I know I'll be

with someone again like in a relationship with someone again I know that Minnie will have a father figure like you know that we all live together and all that jazz again but I just don't want it I don't want that seriousness anytime soon I don't feel that for me anytime soon I may be in a year or two and that's pretty soon no maybe in like three years maybe in 24 years do you think that you would because we asked you this early on which was a really bad question actually because you'd had a two month old but we do you think that you would have another child with chumpy sperm so that your kids are blood siblings. I love how as soon as someone gives birth, people are like,

so when's the next one? It's like, fuck, am I ever trying to have a break? I think I will not have another chumpy baby. I think I'll have it. I think I will have another baby one day, hopefully, but not with him, someone else. I do have chumpy sperms that I could use, But I think I've got my little chumpy Miracle.

She's epic. She looks like him. She's just fucking perfect. She does look exactly like him. Every time we see an Instagram story, I'm like, it's him. That's chumpy's face. And I just, I think, yeah, I just got my little Miracle with her. And any other baby that I have is just like going to be, you know, a way of life.

And if it happens with someone else, it happens kind of thing. That's that. Elodie the last thing I really want to ask you is we I think sometimes in life we focus so much on our romantic relationships like that seems to be the relationships that we hold up as the most important ones um and I think from the outset looking at your life it's your female friendships that have been so fundamental for you throughout this period especially your friendships with Chloe um what has that meant for you and now in terms of how you prioritize the idea of having a romantic partner versus where your friendships stand and what they mean to you what does that look like

mate friends 100 come first they can get the fuck in line like my friends are everything they're my family I do like that's that's why I don't think I want or need anyone right now because they're epic I got them they're my sisters you are beyond incredible thank you so much for sharing your story and it's one of those things that like we feel horrible making you come and speak about it but I think it it helps so many people to hear you talk about grief and how that's changed in the process because it is a really unusual situation I've never ever come across anyone that has been in that situation and I don't envy you but you're fucking incredible your resilience is incredible I don't think that I think you don't know what you're capable of until shit

happens to you and then you weirdly have to get through crazy things and you guys would do the exact same thing and you guys are amazing and thank you for having me elodie pauline i absolutely loved that conversation with el pauline she's such a weapon i think she's just such a laugh she's one of those people that just has so much energy she brings that to the room coming up next week we are going to have another conversation from another one of our live shows for you to enjoy but in the meantime you know the drill tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the love because we love love