Life Uncut - Live Show Diaries - Flex Mami

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

HeyLifers, Today's episode is from our conversation with the incredible Flex Mami at one of our live shows! We chat about: -where the name "Flex Mami" came from -personal branding and where that becomes a business -being 'authentic' online & performative authenticity -tokenism and the other side of the coin when it comes to increasing diversity If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xx  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm producer Keisha and I'm filling in at the moment for Britt and Laura while they take a bit of a summer break. And we decided this year that we wanted to bring you some of the absolutely incredible conversations that we had from our live shows back in October when we got to fly all around the country. We visited seven cities and we had some amazing guests join us on stage. So we wanted to bring them to you so that you could enjoy them over this summer period. Joining us today is the weapon of a woman, Flexmami. Now, if you haven't met Flex or if you haven't heard Flex speak before, she's a person that's actually quite hard to put into words because she can take

these really deep, complex topics and she can just make them so light and so funny to listen to. I find Flex such an engaging person because she's able to do that so well. In this conversation, the girls speak about where the name Flex Mommy comes from, because believe it or not, that is not her birth name. They speak about personal branding and when that becomes a business. They also spoke about the concept of performative authenticity and whether being authentic online and being openly vulnerable is always a good thing or whether people could have different motives for why they actually act that way online,

whether it could be for followers, for engagement, for a multitude of reasons. And that led into another conversation that I found very, very interesting, particularly for Flex's perspective. And that is on the idea of businesses increasing their diversity. So whether that be that they're catering for different sizes or colors or whatever it could be. And when that advertising is actually quite tokenistic. I think you're really going to love this chat. So let's get into it with Flex Mommy.

All right, everyone. This takes us to our second half of the show where we're going to introduce to you some of our absolutely phenomenal guests that we have who have come here to be with you guys tonight. Now, the first guest off the ranks is someone who so many of you might know across social media, but she is like the entrepreneur of entrepreneurs. She is a DJ. She is a podcaster. She is a radio host. She is a TV presenter. She is a jewelry designer. She is an influencer. Honestly, Flex Mammy is everything. She can do everything. Jack of all trades and master of everything, this woman.

Flex, get on out here. Looking fine, I might say. I love it. Hi, everyone. Take the hot seat. Flex, if that is even your real name, we'll get to that. Thanks for coming today. We're going to kick start with an accidentally unfiltered because we make everyone do an

embarrassing story. I thought really long and hard about this and I was tossing up between the time I was robbed at a hotel but I thought I would do something lighter I was thinking about like I don't know that it's not just me because I'm not deranged on my own but the kind of mental illness that happens when you're in a new relationship and all you are is like horny and excited horny and excited in addition to that moving to a new city extra horny extra excited I feel alive. So I move into this amazing new apartment complex. It's bougie. They don't have a gym. It's a health club. What's the difference? They don't have just like a space for you to go

and eat. It's an outdoor area with a hibachi grill. They don't have an area for you to just do work. It's a co-working space. So you can only imagine what's going on. There's staff and everything. So I invite my new boyfriend to my apartment. I'm feeling, I was going to say horny, but I've said it too much. So, I'm like, let's go to the spa. There's a spa. It's going to be amazing. So, it's like maybe 11 p.m. on a Friday. There's nobody there. Was I going to do anything? No. I'm a sensible woman with a public profile. I wouldn't do anything. You're a good girl. So, I get into the spa. It's PG, guys. It's almost G-rated. I had thought to myself, are there cameras? Surely not. Surely in a place where you pay this amount of rent.

they wouldn't document you without you knowing. Boy, was I wrong. I don't think I did anything particularly inappropriate. But when you wake up on a Monday morning, 9am, with a building-wide bulletin that says, we respect and condone anything that adults want to do in their spare time. Honeymooners, beware. There are cameras.

You are being watched. Do what you want. To the offending participants, they referred to me as, we will be directly emailing you. If you make this mistake twice, just know you are being watched. Tell me why. I was like, surely it couldn't be me. Because I didn't really say it was Friday at 11 or whatever. I had gotten a response after I'd opened the email 10 minutes later directly to me.

Hi, Miss Lillian. Government name, sorry. Hi, Miss Lillian. Just letting you know that that email was for you in particular. I didn't do anything, though. I could have. And I wanted to. Also, I love the way you move.

But also, do you think in that instance, like, I was now thinking about privacy and security. Like, it's their fault. Not the indecent exposure that they witnessed. But that's what I was thinking. But babes, I didn't actually do anything. Anyway. That's what they all say. I think I've been on probation because they are on to me.

I come to the reception. They smile cheekily. how's it going they say how's the relationship no comment your honor i'm but a victim and a pretty girl i mean obviously lillian i would love to know and i think so many of the people who follow you would love to know where did flex come from i wish it was a good story and it's just not and i've thought about lying i've had the name for 10 years i really thought about lying but it's not a good one I was 19 and I was working in PR and I was really burnt out and I thought the solution would be to get another job but a fun job and a cool job so I became a door girl which

was like the height of excitement at 19 but then through that I became a DJ and like I like music but I didn't think the criteria of being a DJ was just liking music it was that easy at the time so i went to my friends i'm like i want to be a dj let's do a round table let's make a name and so literally like you have to be on the internet 10 years ago to know how not cool flex is it's like lit on sleek or like whatever we used to say i literally still say that it's like yolo i think it's one of those words though that's now it's been so long it's come back around and now you've made it cool again yeah you're talking to someone that says lolcano and so I was like yeah it would be flex it'd be great so I'm like trying to buy buy trying to um

secure the Facebook account or whatever and naturally flex is taken up by chiropractors and yoga instructors and everybody else so I was like guys like quick I've got my first gig on Friday I need a name and then flex mommy it became how do I have known it would be something that would be tied to me for this long I would have done it differently but DJ Lillian was never gonna work it was never gonna work it doesn't land does it doesn't land DJ Lily okay the thing that I find so interesting though is is like you say you stumbled across this but like I look at you on social media and I see someone who is so good at branding I'm like you are so clever at the way that you brand yourself and you brand all the different types of things that are a part of

your flex empire so then how if you think oh it just kind of happened I just stumbled across this how intentional then is your branding when it comes to your business it was a trauma response I'm telling you it was there's something about you have to imagine what like the music landscape was like 10 years ago you weren't just like a DJ you're like a female DJ and everybody had opinions about what your intention was to be a musician you couldn't just like music and so the only reason why I became intentional about branding is because people would say the most deranged things I used to write in all caps no reason thought it was aesthetic thought it was fun so tell me why I open up my browser because I have google alerts on myself I do and so I see

this article by a youth broadcaster that will not be named that has written like a feature on me I'm this is sick. I feel like a celebrity. Why do they lead with flex mommy right in all caps as a way to creatively express what it's like to take up space in a male dominated industry? I said, babe, shut it down. Delete it. Like that's what happens. People curate and craft these really convincing ideas about who you are and why you say things. And so I feel like if it seems like I'm intentional about my brand but I'm paranoid I honestly like you could not have led into the conversation that we're having better and that was such an unintentional setup but what we wanted to talk to you about is this idea of like authenticity on social media and online and verse performative

you know and so where does that line sit especially in how people who have public profiles use it and I think it's so interesting that you say so much of the brand that's being created part of it's been intentional but part of it's been created around you yeah so then how do you think in terms of when it comes to being authentic online what does that look like for you it's really tricky I was thinking the other day I like to ask people questions that aren't small talk because I think I get bored easily but I was saying to a friend of mine what's a misconception people make about you constantly that you use to your advantage because I think about that so often like we're so paranoid about like are we being perceived the right way and do i come across well

but when we don't what do you do about it if someone's like oh my gosh you come across so gentle i love that you wear color often you must be so bold what are you gonna say you read me wrong no you're gonna be like thank you that like works for me so when people were saying because i wrote in all caps and wore color and i'm overweight she's a body positivity princess like i was like so whatever you want to do babe I'm just alive and I am who I am yes yes and at the time especially like the internet was like visuals first visuals first so whatever the visual was saying it didn't matter that I had an alternate narrative because everyone's like but we get it like we know this vibe say no more and so now when I think about authenticity and I have like this weird trajectory

on the internet because you know I didn't intend to be an influencer or anything because I was saying to you earlier that if I reflect on who I was when I was like a high schooler I was so inarticulate empty-headed ditzy dreamy I could never get finish a sentence out I literally have such strong memories of trying to tell my friends stories and watching like the light fade from their eyes do you know what I'm saying like you're like okay let me start again I'll start from the So, because I think you're missing my point. I'll start from the top. Freeze frame.

Let's rewind. And so, then, so I think about, like, what that felt like. And to be articulate was a trauma response. I was like, oh, my God, nobody listens to me. Nobody cares. And so, when I started DJing at 19 and I suddenly had to create a brand, I was like, oh, I have to start, like, knowing who I am and saying what I like. and I think now people are like, oh, this is so cool. You're so confident. Back then, everybody

was like, why are you so obnoxious? Why do you always talk about how you feel? Why do you think it's important that people know what you think? Just shut up. And to that, I said, I am the youngest sibling of two older brothers. I deserve space to speak. I earned this. So now when it comes to authenticity, I try really hard to be myself, but the older I get, the more sensitive I get and I'm like oh it's really hard to be yourself and have everything about you come across as conceptual and therefore critiqued I think people really struggle to conceptualize how hard it is for people to not only see you but make assumptions about you and then tell them to you it could be little things like I remember not too long ago I got this comment from someone that

was like, I just love that every time like you wear an outfit, your stretch marks poke through because it makes me feel so confident. I said, which ones? I don't know. I don't know. Which ones are you talking about? I don't think I noticed those. So in this instance, if I was being authentic, I'd say, shut up, you freak. Like, why would you say that? That's weird. But to perform authenticity I have to reward that open display of co-vulnerability yeah because to shut you down in a moment where you felt like you were connecting suddenly I'm the bad guy it's a real balance between people wanting authenticity from the people that they follow and the people online but then there's this balance on too much authenticity like when

the crossover to performative authenticity when something traumatic's happening in someone's life and the first thing they've thought of I don't know about you guys but when I watch someone that's like almost died in a car accident and then the first thing they've done is get their phone out to film themselves crying that they almost died I'm like why is that your response there's a part of me that's like why did you just jump online to share that and that's where I struggle with people that I'm like, I don't believe that. And I'm sure for you, you've had a lot of virtue signalling, like you're seeing a lot of people do that. What's your view on that? I don't think it's a fine line between authenticity and performing authenticity.

I think the reason why authenticity online doesn't work is because everything about documenting yourself is contrived. Even the fact that you get a chance to decide how you want to show up on a device where you decide the angle and the lighting and the context and the time you post it and the reason why you post it it's all contrived it's inauthentic in its very being the concept can never be authentic so to bypass that and to pretend that everything in this moment is authentic because I'm coming across well doesn't make sense and I also think you know who was authentic Ted Bundy he was being authentic that took a turn was being true to himself and nobody was like oh I love authentic characters there's also this like

misconception about what you're saying when you say you like authenticity because when your feed is full of people with like really harmful views suddenly it's not okay anymore and I'm not going to be a contrarian he's like don't say how you feel but I think the difficulty with social media is that we're all in denial about how real and not real it is it amplifies all the ways that we're contrived in real life but just in a digital space like I think about like fundamental social norms and politics I can't go in a room when I'm feeling pissed off and act the way that I want to act because it's inappropriate I'm being inauthentic every time someone says hey how you going and I'm like I'm depressed in my brain but I'm like hey that's so fine nice to meet you it's inauthentic

I promise you I always tell my friends people don't want you to be authentic they want to be entertained they want to be validated or they want to be educated and if it doesn't fit between that suddenly you come across as inauthentic do you know what I think is so interesting is this of this conversation as well and it's something I've witnessed on social media over the years is that as people become more and it's a very different thing between authenticity and vulnerability right they're different two different conversations but as people become more vulnerable they can sometimes be rewarded for that vulnerability by more followers more likes more comments you know you see the the post of someone crying about something that is a touch point and then that's

when it can grow into using it as a tool I think as well and like that is a very gray area because there's obviously I mean we're talking about it from podcast perspective we've done it for years but there is definitely a grey area where it comes from a point of sharing for a purpose and sharing for a motive. They're two different aspects, I think, that social media can portray and they both have different incentives behind them as well.

I also think we need to do a disclaimer that we do not support Ted Bundy. Speak for yourselves. Like, you were, on a serious note, you were such a touchpoint for a lot of people during the Black Lives Matter. I don't want to say movement because that's you know it just doesn't feel right like the movement it was but it shouldn't trend yeah it was a conversation that was happening and it was

really in the limelight there for a moment and it's not that it's not now but it was really front and center on everyone's minds as the way Instagram works but how do you feel like the landscape has changed since we all started speaking more openly about Black Lives Matter have you noticed a difference I think it's ironic because I try to explain to people that it's as good as it is worse in the same way that you know when you give context to someone who's hurt you about the ways that they've hurt you and they're like can you explain it differently can you explain it better can you see it from my perspective and then suddenly you're like wait I thought I was the one who was hurt at the moment I thought I was the one who needed to be listened to that so

that conversation felt like it started in this really helpful place where it's like oh all these all these experiences that felt really subjective are now being put in a very objective lens like it's happening it's it's tricky it's uncomfortable but the way that it trickled down in conversation became really conceptual and then I also felt like it it turned out to be like kind of like the way that feminism is positioned I think a lot of people are like oh no I say I'm a feminist so you think i'm not a bigot not because i'm like trying to me myself make sure that there's a quality of the sexes that's just a bit much like i just want you to know i'm not a bad person that's what it felt like at the time and it's so strange because like i don't feel

like in in the audience now i don't have to like respond but how often are you actually thinking about your skin color whether that's like i'm tanning i'm not tanning i'm burnt i'm not burnt but when the whole world is otherizing you for this thing you're like damn I could be all these things and then at the end of the day someone's like but you're black first and then even if I am black first I'm like if this is the way that it comes across everyone's like well don't say that like they're making everyone feel weird so I don't know I just think um it was an interesting time for to see the world change in that way but I also just felt like it gave people the language to justify their behavior so when we're having these private conversations in public people are

saying well I believe in anti-racism I don't even know what that is do you still experience racism now in the day-to-day I think I experience more like microaggressions you know like one that comes across so well it's like when did you get here like when when did you were you born here how that's crazy yeah your family must be well off how did you do how did you how did you how'd that happen and you're so articulate like you can read and write yeah and so I'm like and so I don't want to have to challenge that idea in someone there's not enough hours in the day but that's how it comes across it's this veiled compliment in an insult you know like oh that's so great I don't usually get along with black people but you're different I like you and so what because you want

to take the compliment you're like thank you I like my personality as well but also don't say that you freak you mentioned something really interesting when we were talking about this backstage and you said that in terms of how things have changed in media and in your profession that things have changed there's there's more there's more jobs like brands are being more open and they're trying to book more diversity quote-unquote but it hasn't the needle hasn't shifted in terms of the preparation for that yeah can you explain a little bit of what that looks like so what I was saying is like I feel like people are like well because you're in all the campaigns and because you're booking these amazing jobs that must mean things are changing I'm like you would

think so but I'll still go to a shoot and like well we don't really have anyone who can do your hair and makeup so so it's like oh I'm the talent and I'm here to represent myself but no one can do my hair no one can do my makeup the clothes don't fit and but the whole article is about inclusivity and diversity but then you're in the situation where if you call that out then you're making it uncomfortable when everyone's trying to do the right thing so then how do you then navigate that situation and it's so boring in my heart of hearts I don't want to be a narc i really don't but when things don't click when are we gonna say it it feels strange to say it while we're on the shoot especially when you have people there and no one's taking responsibility

because it's like oh the samples didn't come in that size and you know i we didn't i didn't know so like you know how do you normally do your makeup how many black people are in australia anyway like how was i you know like you know how it is and we don't really have models here and if they do get here then they really tell you about the hair and so and so i'm like i get it but you asked me to be here i don't really know what's going on it's just it's a strange time because also i can acknowledge that i am grateful to be able to have opportunities but i also don't want to be the vehicle of a false narrative that only affects me poorly because that's the other thing like i can recognize when i'm being tokenized right and i can say if there's a check to be made

i'll take it yes queen but in the same vein i'm like at what cost you know what i'm saying like it's what it's not a it's not just about me like it's not about the individual check that i get to make or the individual isolated experience it's all representative of a greater issue that people feel like they're doing enough of because but wasn't flex in vogue how we beat racism we beat it she was eight page spread what's the issue so do you feel like because i feel like and we shouldn't say it we shouldn't think it but i reckon everyone has at some point sometimes you see big campaigns or big brands and it's amazing that they're so inclusive but I reckon there's a lot of times you say to yourself oh looks like they've ticked the boxes or there are companies

that hire because they're like well we need a person of color because we haven't ticked that box yet do you feel like you have been in that position where you've been a box to tick I couldn't I could count on one and a half hands how many times I've gone to a makeup shoot to be the face of a makeup brand or to be a lead in the campaign shoot get there get really excited and have them be like we're gonna actually use another brand because we don't have your shade but it won't matter because eventually it'll be coming out i've signed the contract everyone like and you know what it says in contracts you cannot bring the company's name into disrepute otherwise you're in breach and we can sue you that feels like duress and i'm not a lawyer do you know what i'm

saying yeah and again it's like as an individual I remember I used to make it my problem I would go and meet with the heads of these like really big Australian beauty department stores and say like hey what's happening what's going on but if to get a social post on an Instagram page it has to go to 45 people you think it's not a conscious decision to exclude a whole demographic I don't have time i didn't even wear foundation anymore some might say it was a trauma response flex we think you are phenomenal everything that you have achieved everything that you do one thing that has been said to us by someone that we interviewed in the past who i i really really understood this she said you walk into the room as someone who's caucasian

and you represent yourself but when you're someone of color you walk into a room and you speak but you also then speak on behalf of everyone of your nationality or everyone that you're representing. Do you feel that it is a burden? And, I mean, it's a joy for us that we get to share these conversations with you, but I can only imagine that it must be a constant education piece for people.

Absolutely, but I recognise I'm compensated for it. Imagine the times where I wasn't. You know, it's so strange. I would remember going to, like, corporate job interviews when I worked in PR, and I would get to these jobs, they'd be like oh I thought you were German doesn't sound like an African last name anyway my friend was telling me she's from Kenya by the way do you know her anyway she was telling me that you guys that's not your real hair and I was saying why would they put fake hair in their real

hair anyway I don't know how you people do it but I was saying you know and it's like okay so I don't understand how we've gotten to this point and I would just like to go back to the this Liliana Henkin it's it is an African name it's not German anyway that's what it becomes like and then I get really I don't know what the word is I'm mindful because I have a lot of opinions and I really believe in nuance and like you know a couple years ago I used to host a philosophy and psychology podcast with a fellow black woman and she's South African and lives in America and I'm African like Ghana and I live in Australia people assume we're the same because like give birth black whatever very different that's a lot of what the podcast was about but through doing that I was like even

even the audience that we curated kept on homogenizing I was kept on saying but how do you guys think so differently why why don't you guys have the same experience and I was like I don't I don't really feel like you're pushing 40 that frontal lobe developed like I don't understand how to simplify this topic to a point where it makes sense to explain to people like it sounds like I would be infantilizing someone to be like hey just because I'm this way and this person is this way we're different people and we've just asked you to do it in 20 minutes yeah you're all complicit I don't know like I just like to have fun with it I like to have a good time but I think it's a discussion worth having because in the same vein I'm not privy to a bunch of conversations

about different ethnic experience different sexual experience different socio-economic experiences and I would hate for someone to demean me or degrade me for not knowing what I could know if I had access to but I also feel like the world is a fucked place like the world is such a scary place and we have so much individual responsibility to ensure it's different and we can't just fall back on I didn't know because you can tell me all the people Taylor Swift has dated and all the little easter eggs in her songs and all of these meanings you pull out of these arbitrary things but there are real people with real life consequences and we fall back on ignorance too often and I'm all cool with not knowing but I feel like we've been in a really fortunate time where people are given

a lot of grace for not knowing but the world is getting really angry and really violent and really dismissive of people who don't know and i'm really fearful for what happened to those people who were coasting on ambiguity who were kind of hoping that like i'm gonna get it in five years time i don't know if people are going to be that accommodating flex we could talk to you forever but unfortunately we can't but we will be doing a podcast with flex soon she doesn't know that she knows now we're going to be doing a podcast on this is that cool thank you for the consent the forced consent let's hear it for flex informed consent she is such an interesting gal i just love flex mommy now i know that we're taking a break and

we're bringing you some episodes of our live show conversations but where we are not taking a break is the life uncut discussion group it is the facebook group there's like 75 ish thousand friends in there and we chat all day long if you're not a part of it i will put a link in the show notes but if you want to search in facebook it is called the life uncut discussion group and you know the drill tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the love because we love love