Life Uncut - Once a cheater, are they always a cheater? Uncut with Terri Cole

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

Hello there wonderful lifers!Today we are kicking it off talking about that Disney proposal that went terribly wrong, you can watch it here.On today's episode we are taking a deep dive into cheating with Terri Cole, licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, an empowerment coach and author!Terri has more than 20 years of experience in relationship therapy and nuanced perspectives on the motivations and reasons why people step outside of their relationships.We speak with Terri about:-Why she was passionate to help people through cheating-What's worse; emotional or physical cheating?-Can a cheater change their ways?-Habitual cheaters vs one timers-Why we may be choosing cheaters over and over again-How boundaries help us avoid cheatersYou can find everything of Terri Cole's here: https://www.terricole.com/ including her latest book Boundary Boss!If you have a spare sec, we'd love it if you could leave us a review on apple podcasts, or a star rating on spotify and as always, tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your fog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love!! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Brittany.

And we are losing our goddamn minds at the moment. It's pretty late at night. We've had a pretty delirious day. We just had a few little mishaps in the Life Uncut office where we thought we'd lost recordings, the machine wasn't working. But here we are. We're off to a flying start. but we recover and we always recover and we hear it and we make it a mad dash to the finish line

you know what didn't help me getting angry that didn't help that's not what I was going to say but yes that did not help what didn't help was when producer Keisha just said oh guys I hate to tell you we just lost that whole interview we did and then Laura and I were beside us off then she goes oh my mistake here it is to be fair to be fair we so we just finished an interview with will from will and woody it's a great one it's coming out we're doing an interview on toxic masculinity and keisha was like oh my god guys i think that the audio is corrupted for the interview and brit and i were like that's a shame there's been too many other things to worry about that that's not something we're going to worry about right now we couldn't even be angry we're just

like ah damn that's tomorrow's tomorrow's problems are tomorrow's problems no do you know what it was it was us going keisha that feels like a you problem fix it yeah we were like where you work that out and get back to us. But anyway, guys, this is our Tuesday episode where we unpack a big meaty topic. And on today's episode, we are talking about something that is incredibly polarizing. It is a conversation that the last time we did an episode on this topic created quite a stir in the Life Uncut Facebook group. Now we are talking about cheating. We have a psychotherapist joining us today. Her name is Terry Cole. And we are going into the nitty gritty, all of the questions that you guys asked around cheating. Why do people cheat? Is there a type of person that cheats?

Is there a way to overcome cheating? Can a leopard change its spots? Yeah. And I think that big old adage of once a cheater, always a cheater. We're unpacking all of that. But before we get into that chat with Terry Cole, Brittany, I heard something that you got catfished on the weekend. I tell you what, you heard correctly, but that's because you heard it from me but i want to hear the fleshed out version of what constitutes being catfished so okay catfished is a bit extreme i'm definitely putting mayo on that but what happened was you guys know i am back on the dating scene very slowly very ed just dipping my little toes in wait no no no last week you said you're on four different sites so i'm gonna say that you're full blown back in

the dating scene oh no i am but i haven't committed to any dates so this is my i'm like this is me being like whoa look at me out there doing all the swipes getting RSI in my thumbs but then I don't actually commit to the dates I pull out or well no he did no it's too soon that was a bad joke because I haven't had sex so I meet this guy online and he was in my eyes a 10 he was Captain Smokeville I showed producer Keisha I said you know it's not often you come across a 10 a smoking 10 that everything in the profile fits the pictures the comments the prompts the banter the age because you know i've put my age up but everything just worked and i was like this guy's so hot he's just like i absolutely agree doesn't seem real do i can you show me this

profile can we do this live yeah okay i need to see this profile okay okay all right look looks a bit too young for me but very I can see why you would find him very attractive oh outdoorsy creative likes a wine okay I'm feeling it I get it so we matched and for probably about four to five days we were chatting online and the banter was through the roof the chat was so funny very quick no games I really got a good vibe from the chat and the chat is everything so I was like fuck good vibe yes hot go for it local pull out of age pulls out I'm like I was like yeah I'm just gonna meet up with him so we went for a coffee and we had a bit of brunch went for a walk just like hung out so when I saw him coming I could tell it was this guy right but

I could also tell that the photos and the profile was this guy probably 10 years ago that's what it was he had some determination and power in his walk towards me so i knew that it was him he was making a beeline and there was nowhere to go i wanted to be swallowed up under the ground in a hole in a deep dark hole that then filled in over the top of me to escape but i couldn't so he looked like and i mean when you say i could tell that it was him that's the last thing that you want anyone to say i mean i can kind of tell that it's you from your photos but not really like from afar I can tell that it's you because of the way you walk towards me. You know how people say they caught a fish that was a metre long

and then you see the fish and it was like 20 centimetres long? Oh, yeah. That's what I feel like happened. His height, he definitely added a few inches to the height online. Don't be a heightist. I'm not, but I am just trying to describe the situation. Although I do think that every single person has been in this situation. Ha!

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up to their photos totally but I think that there is a sliding scale to that like there is definitely people who I've matched with online and I was like whoa you are you look vastly different to your photos and then it kind of makes you feel like a bad person because you're like well am I being so judgy but of course instant chemistry instant attraction all that sort of stuff is all based on the way somebody looks and I'm not saying that physical attraction has to just be the most beautiful person but we're all attracted to different things and I don't get me wrong I want to be very clear here i didn't really have a problem with it i wasn't judging the guy we still had a really great date we still had some bants the banter definitely and this this does happen

sometimes with dating sometimes you can have this really good banter on text oh yeah and it doesn't translate in real life but stop start well also it's because some people one do their best work on text message but also it's because some people are fucking nervous give them a second chance yeah totally so we look he was a really nice guy it definitely I had dreamt up the marriage online you know and it didn't translate so we will not be getting married but it made me think and then I had this conversation with Kish we were like we would hate to have walked in somewhere and someone's sitting there thinking that back at us so we went and did like a little deep dive on our own profiles we like looked at our photos we put some I mean yes you're always going to have one

that you think is a great photo one of your great ones you dressed up whatever but then we just put some very very like low-key casual walking the dog what we look like date well okay not what completely what I look like not first thing in the morning but like walking the dog I didn't put a wake up Britney photo but I put just very casual photos so did Keisha and I think that we feel good about our choices I think you need to put one that's like a very casual like in like an in trackies kind of at the house like okay you can have a bit of makeup on or whatever but like I think you need to have one that is whatever your 10 is it's a photo where you're at your seven because at least then you're like oh cute laura my trackies are not a seven they're two if you

if you can't have me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best but you can get me somewhere around the middle and that's here at a seven in my tracksuit pants at home on the couch okay enough about me how was your weekend what did you get up to well speaking of hot dates but not uh at least mine kind of turned out the way i expected i ended up going to the moulin rouge on the weekend matt and i went to go and see the theater he fucking hates musical theater so that was interesting I really like theater if it's brilliant well he hates all musical theater but he ended up loving this so that says a lot for anyone who wants to actually go and see it but we also took my sister and we were gonna go the three of us except I didn't check the

tickets and it meant that she ended up sitting on her own on the other side of the theater I think it's fine though so just completely alone completely alone on the other side of the theater you what you should have done is thrown Matt to the walls put him on his own and taking your sister I think if I had done that Matt would have just gotten up during like well yeah and they do a closed door thing so I think he would have been like hey babe just gotta go move the car and then would have driven it all the way back home so was it worth going to see because I haven't seen it yet it's freaking amazing we haven't been to the theater in so long I mean no one has it's been a fucking pandemic but it was incredible and if you are thinking about going and seeing it go and

get tickets now because they are I think they're pretty much sold out there's probably another week left that you can book tickets into but there is something that I wanted to talk about before we get into chatting to Terry Cole speaking of like very theatrical places there is a proposal that has gone down in Disneyland in Paris now Brittany I know that you have seen this and I'm thinking that so many of you would have seen this by now as well because this is all over the internet it is it has completely gone gangbusters viral there is a man who proposed to his soon-to-be fiance standing in front of the big Disneyland castle at the top of a staircase.

Very, very fairytale, very romantic. And I want to describe this to you. Like go on and Google this so that you can, it's literally a five second clip, but just so you can see what it is. So this guy, he gets down on one knee, he holds up his ring that he's bought to propose to his fiance with or his girlfriend with.

She's standing there in this like little blue dress thing and her hand comes up over her mouth and she's like, there's that moment of like pure shock that your partner's about to propose and then a Disneyland staff member runs in through the middle of them takes the ring out of his hand and runs down the stairs telling them that they can't propose there that he's got to move down the stairs and propose somewhere else because apparently he was in an area that they weren't allowed to be in well this is what I don't understand okay firstly is a Disneyland proposal romantic is it actually

romantic well I mean it is but for some people I think there are some people who Disneyland is like it's right on their niche and it's right up their alley and so for them it's I mean it's the it's the land of magic and wonders I'm watching it now and I'm so uncomfortable guys we're gonna put the link in the show notes because you actually have to if you haven't seen this thing play out and the question is okay I know that yes maybe this is an area that he wasn't supposed to be in and probably shouldn't have proposed in but would you interrupt someone's marriage proposal no it's going to take 10 seconds and I'm looking at it right now no one is around like I am watching this happen he snatches it from his hand runs down the stairs and then he's

shaking his head at him the attendant is looking back at the proposal the woman's shook and he's shaking his head hands him back the ring and says start again no he hands it back and says it'll be better from down here at the bottom of the stairs. They've gone onto a stage to do it where they're not supposed to be. And he's no employee is getting paid enough to take their job that seriously. That's all I have to say. You can also see how seriously he is taking it. He is captain serious. I think it's come out. It said that Disneyland has come and sort of apologized and has tried to make amends, but they haven't said what that is. So I'm just wondering, do they get a free rollercoaster ride? What do they get out of it? How do you make up from this one moment

that's supposed to be the most special moment of your life but if anything i mean they have gone viral from it so there's that i mean eight million times do you want your wedding proposal to go viral for all the wrong reasons though and and like you said how on earth could anybody make up for the fact that they've just ruined that there's something that's going to happen well i mean maybe it'll happen more than one time but for this couple it's going to happen one time and their wedding proposal their wedding proposal video has been ruined by a guy wearing mickey mouse is running through and snatching the ring out of his hand it is actually un-fucking-believable I want to know what the repercussions are here what happens to him does he get fired or does

he get promoted is he like well bravo bravo you stopped another engagement at Disneyland like is this where dreams go to die I thought they went there to flourish it is the wildest piece of viral video and I think for anybody who has dreamt about what their wedding proposal day would be like dreamt about like the moment that the love of their life is going to get down on one knee to think about that moment and then having it ruined by a theme show attendee is just like an unbelievable moment in time well they have their own accidentally unfiltered to tell and that is my beautiful segue into our favorite segment accidentally unfiltered and also confessionals all right so I am going to kick it off with today's actually unfiltered and I'm going

to firstly apologize because if you are you are someone who doesn't like toilet humor then this one's not going to be for you. Maybe skip ahead by 20 seconds, but if you do like toilet humor, stick around because you're in good company. Okay, I work in Melbourne City in a high-rise building on the ninth floor. On this particular day at work, I had a really sore stomach and was quite gassy. Now, I was on my way out of the building after a long sucky day of work. I had been holding in a fart for no joke about half an hour. As soon as I stepped into the elevator and I realized that I was on my own and the door had shut I let one rip. Now let me explain this to you this fart as I mentioned had been brewing for at least 30 minutes and it was honestly one of

the stinkiest farts I think I have ever done in my entire life. Get it girl. Now just as the door had closed and I let out my fart to my surprise the door started reopening again and one of my male colleagues stepped into the elevator you know that split second just after the door has closed if someone from the outside quickly clicks the button the doors reopen yes well that was my luck and I needed to ride the elevator all the way down to the ground floor and then I had to have a conversation with this guy while we both just stood in the lift inhaling my fart I was horrified to this day every time I chat to him in the office I just think to myself that we both know that I farted in the elevator that day and it makes me fucking horrified yes everybody knows that there's

like a three a solid three second safety window that you need to allow when that door closes that's why when you stand on the outside you know when people get into the elevator and you're still outside but you want to go the other direction you have to give them that three second buffer because if you hit the button again the door opens yeah but also okay being inside an elevator is not a safe space for doing a fart because when you get to ground floor the doors are going to open and you're going to have to exit and more people are going to get in and they're going to know it's you. It's like doing a fart in a change room.

But it's like not even – no, but it's not even ground floor because what if one floor down stops you? Like there is – if you're in high rise, you might only have 10 seconds of safety. Like what do you do with that? Or what you have to do is the next people get in, you're like, oh, sorry, the person that was just in here let one rip. I'm sure there's somebody listening to this podcast episode who has done a fart in a change room before.

and to you, you're disgusting. A lift, a change room, I mean a cubicle's fine because that's where it goes down but any small confined space where you thought you were alone and you weren't, we're all judging you. You've made a grave error. Okay, well mine doesn't sit well with me but it's a confessional.

We're not here to judge. We're just here to absolve you of your sins. We're not here to do that either. That is not to say that we condone all of these confessionals because by the looks of your face right now, Britt, I feel like we're in for a doozy. I'm writing today as I have never told this story and I'm pretty sure the two guys involved don't know this either. Here we go. In high school I

dated a twin. He was my first love and my first boyfriend. We were together for five years throughout high school and then after leaving high school. Now he wasn't the best partner and we had a pretty toxic relationship. He was pretty verbally abusive to me. He used to control me a little bit but I didn't recognize this at the time because I was so young. It was my first relationship. He had cheated on me a few times and whenever he did he would just say to me well you didn't pay me attention that's why i did it maybe he sounds like an absolute piece of trash yep that's called gaslighting after a trip to bali i had found out he cheated on me again and he was still talking with her when he got back home this is how i found out i was so angry and upset that i got in contact

with his twin brother and had sex with him oh yes also maybe the twin was actually do you know what if he's having no he's not better he's just as bad well she's like because there were twins i was super attracted to him because he looked exactly the same but he was like the nicer twin no but he's not the nicer twin because he's having sex with his brother's girlfriend so she went on to have sex with the other twin the brother multiple times she was like i was really enjoying it at the end but this is why i don't this is why it doesn't sit right with me so the brother brother was doing it to his brother so the brother was having an affair well she was having an affair with the twin brother yes so okay i'm like all for you girl you leave that relationship like i'm like

get out of there he's awful but to go and do it to the twin brother i mean like hats off to her but the twin brother i thought there was supposed to be some like twin to twin love and respect there i mean if we think that there's a girl code or a bro code there should be some sort of paternal or fraternal code anyway she reckons they he never knows she reckons the other brother never knew well we'll also take it to the grave absolve for the rest of our lives and nobody else will ever know. Well, speaking of cheating, I mean, that was the most perfect way into this whole conversation. I think it is the perfect time to be speaking to Terry Cole. Today, we are talking about something that nobody ever wants to face in

their relationship. But unfortunately, it's something that so many of us have experienced. Maybe you've been cheated on, or maybe you've been the one to do the cheating. Cheating is complex. And even though the pain that it causes is a unique sort of betrayal, It still happens every single day. For some people, cheating is a deal breaker and for other couples, they manage to come back stronger than ever. Today, we have licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, empowerment coach, and author Terry Cole here with us today to talk about all things cheating. Yeah, man. Terry, welcome to Life Uncut. Hi, ladies. I'm happy to be here. Thanks for having me. Well, we're glad we got you out of the storm. We tried to

record this a few hours ago, but Terry, you're in New York and there was some wild weather there and you're in the woods. Actually, Terri, you just said you're in the woods in New York. Are there woods in New York? Well, I'm three hours north of New York City, so there's plenty of woods. Right. Okay. Well, Terri, we don't start any episode without an accidentally unfiltered. We really want to throw you under the bus. It's your most embarrassing story. Do you have one that you can contribute? We like to start at the bottom and then work our way back up. Nowhere to go but up. I do. I thought about this. I don't know if it's the most. I mean, listen, I've lived a long time. There's been a shit ton of embarrassing moments, but

one that sticks out in my mind is I was having this affair, speaking of cheating, when I was in high school. And it wasn't, I mean, I guess it wasn't fair anyway. It was a guy, I was in a play, you know, it's like a showmance, right? Anytime you're in a play, you're just making out with someone in the play somehow, even if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend somewhere else. Is that a fact? Yeah, it is a fact. Anyway, he says to me, to my face, I was talking to him. This is when we were not at an after party. We were not drunk. We were not. And he was like, you know, here's the thing. I only want to make out with you when I'm wasted. So like to my face. So the, maybe the unfiltered moment, I was like, wait, excuse me. He was like,

like right now we're talking, but I don't really want to kiss you. I was like, Roger that dude. Something about that real blunt honesty. wow there's honesty and then there's like internal thoughts that you should keep to yourself that should definitely have been an internal voice but it did end the affair though so maybe it was meant to be you can tell he's in theater because um that should have been an internal monologue and that was definitely an external monologue what i i hope you never kissed him again i never kissed him again no not drunk or sober i mean there is something we're going to get into there but that is very good boundaries terry something i wanted to ask you and maybe

for those who don't know, what is being a psychotherapist? What does that entail? There are lots of different licenses and licensures and education, but if you're a licensed psychotherapist, which I am, it means you have some kind of higher education. So I have a master's in clinical social work. It means in New York that you passed a very difficult test. It means that you had 3,500 hours of hands-on working with clients, being supervised by someone who has tons and tons of experience. That's what it means in New York. In other states in the US, in other countries, it means something different. But as a psychotherapist, it's more talk therapy, as opposed to like, I cannot write prescriptions. I'm not a medical doctor,

right? I am, you know, what people would think of as a traditional talk therapist. And so when you sit down with patients or clients, what is like the predominant things that people want to come to talk to you about? Is it solely relationships? Is it their own personal situations? It's everything. It's whatever is their biggest pain point. so I'll always say you know what brings you like with a new client like so why now because there's always a precipitating event some tipping point something that breaks the camel's back so to speak that actually will propel people to you know lots of people are like I should get in therapy I kind of want to get in therapy but usually there's some event and we usually start with that so you do

speak a lot about boundaries you do have a book called boundary boss but we are going to speak to you about, well, I mean, boundaries as well, but cheating today. Why do you have a bit of a special interest in cheating? Well, personally, my mother had an affair when she was 37 and I was, and my parents got divorced eventually. And when people say, you know, why did your parents get divorced? Like what caused your parents to get divorced? I always say my parents' marriage is what caused them to get divorced, not really my mother's affair. So, but I'm interested in the, human aspect of cheating. Why make a commitment to be monogamous if you can't? Why the inability to say, hey, this isn't working? Naturally, when we don't have those words, which means we have

disordered boundaries, and an inability to talk true, as the subtitle of my book says, that we act these things out. So my theory is this, we can only act stuff out or talk stuff out. So if you don't have the capability to talk it out, a lot of times people stepping out in their relationships is the need to act it out because sometimes you just need that relationship to end so badly and you feel so trapped and you have no idea how to fix what's wrong that even though it goes down rough when it's an infidelity thing, some people just need to get out and they're like, I don't have the courage or I could never see myself ending this with a conversation, but if I get caught cheating, then it's going

to end. You know what I mean? see i find like the whole conversation on cheating it's so interesting and i know how polarizing it is i know how angry it makes people we've spoken about cheating before on the podcast and let me tell you the amount of comments and conversation that came off the back of it because everybody has their own opinions as to how they would react if they're in a certain situation when cheating is involved and what betrayal that means for them but what about in the situations where you say you know that it's people acting out because they want to get out

of a relationship what if it's more a lapse in self-control or a lapse in judgment or that there is a huge amount of regret that is kind of played into this I guess what I'm asking is there are so many different types of cheating and how do you unpack why someone cheated in the first place well you I can tell you this from being a therapist for 25 years it is like 98% of the time not because the person found their soulmate somewhere else right that does happen a very small percentage of the time but it's usually right when someone's stepping out is an indication of what's not happening within the union what isn't working when you stop talking to each other now suddenly you find someone else to have those intimate conversations with you feel closer with

them than you do with your partner now you're trying to then you start avoiding your partner So here's the thing. I don't think that there's, you know, life is messy, right? Love is messy. Successful relationships and crappy relationships are all messy as hell. So there's no neat and clean way or no one size fits all when it comes to what's the right response because it can go from some people may say, hey, that's a deal breaker for me, right?

From the beginning of a relationship, they let the other person know, hey, if this, if it comes to this and you step out, we're done no matter what the reason is. Reality is there's no good enough reason to break your word for any reason, right? If you're in a relationship that's supposed to be a trusting relationship and you've agreed to be monogamous, I mean, listen, nowadays there is so much polyamory and so many other ways that love is expressed. But we in this pod, we are talking about cheating when we have an expressed agreement in a relationship that we are going to be monogamous and not going to be emotionally or sexually intimate with another person. That is my understanding of monogamy for me. Do you personally, Terry, believe in monogamy?

Do you think that as humans, we are made to be with one, to find out person and then that's it for the next 20, 30, 40 years? Well, I've been with my husband for 25 years and we've never had infidelity within our relationship. Now, I don't know that I think that humans are like predominantly wired for this. I think that this, having a successful long-term monogamous relationship, and when I say successful, that doesn't mean that nobody has cheated, right? There are many successful relationships where there's infidelity and people come back from it, which we can certainly talk about, but it requires an intense amount of bandwidth and effort to keep it good, to keep it interesting, to prioritize the relationship, to continue to

prioritize your person, to not get focused on the crap that makes you crazy about them, because every long-term relationship will have that. And to really be generous, to look at the relationship like, you know, every decision that I make in my life, the first thing I think about is how will this impact my relationship with Vic? How will Vic feel about it? My husband We'll talk about it. And we have very independent lives. We both have really big careers. I travel with my friends without him at times.

I travel with my family, my sisters, my mother. It's not an ownership type thing. I like to describe how I feel in my marriage as securely tethered and completely free. You just described my like dream relationship, like being in love with someone that's going to do the right thing, but they're not in your face all the time and you have your independent life. Yeah, because there's lots of reasons why people cheat. And it's not all, we can't put them all in one box of like, everyone cheats for this

reason. It isn't true. So much of the time, I think about my parents' situation, right? I mean, my mother would never, he was the only person she'd ever been with in her life. Like, understand this isn't like, oh, my mother cheated and it was like, great. Like it was a nightmare. She like felt humiliated, couldn't go back to the church ever. So many ramifications, but she also couldn't stay in a marriage where she was dying and had no skills. They had no skills jointly to figure out the problem. And so that's how it ended. She needed to get out. But there are many stories that are like that. Now, it's much more acceptable for people to get into couples therapy, to talk it out.

And, you know, if you look at Esther Perel's work, you know, Esther Perel's work. Yeah. So she's a pal and she's so brilliant. I mean, you just can't. She just is. I mean, she's revolutionized the world of infidelity and the way that we view it and what we think about it. Her theory of, in her book, Mating and Captivity, which is like, okay, well, we want two super

different things from our marriage. We want total security and like mystery and eroticism and sex that's hot. You're like, how do we make these things live together? Because it's familiarity and time and routine that gives us the stability we're seeking. So how do you then hold on to and create that mystery, not just sexually, but emotionally too? Anyway, her work is amazing around this. And she talks quite a bit.

And I've had the same experience with clients where once it happens, it's like, here's the opening. you're in a dramatic situation where all of your normal defenses as a couple, the way you're normally functioning, this revelation that someone has cheated. And of course, it depends on whether they're willing to stop cheating. Was it a one-time thing? Was it an ongoing thing? Do they have another family? I mean, the situation actually does matter. But if you have someone who wants to make it right, wants to talk about it, this can be the opening to actually create the relationship you didn't have it can be an opportunity and you know you can vilify some people it's such an ego

injury to be cheated on that they're like you're dead to me bye it's over I think it's so important what you said as well is that unless it's habitual behavior because I think we are so quick to say like all cheaters are bad people once a cheater always a cheater and I definitely don't agree with that like I personally have cheated in past relationships and I don't define myself as a cheater I would never cheat in the relationship that I'm in now but I could justify it in my other relationships because of other things that made me deeply unhappy and I know that that's not the excuse and it's not necessarily a valid excuse but still I think that there is like a division that you can kind of create there but when you say about someone who is a habitual cheater which I

guess has given this notion of once a cheater always a cheater how do you survive that in a relationship? Because I guess there does come a point where you must feel like, but what have I done wrong to create this? Well, if you're talking about someone who's been in multiple relationships where cheating on them has happened, you have to look and say, okay, who's the common denominator in my relationships? Me. And so this is not a blaming technique. It's understanding. And in that situation with clients, we try to understand what I call, these are repeating relationship realities where we try to understand what are we repeating. So this whole concept of repetition compulsion, right, this is something that Freud conceptualized

in like 1904. And, you know, I've sort of made it my own because there's truth in that as human beings, we repeat painful experiences. It's almost like we're seeking an unconscious do-over. And when you look at it from a conscious mind, you're like, wow, that doesn't make sense. Why would I continually be drawn to this? But we want a different outcome. Like somewhere the little kid inside of us wants a different outcome. So if anyone listening is like, wow, I've been in this situation multiple times, then you're going to ask yourself a couple of questions. Think about your last relationship and ask yourself, who does that person remind me of? Where have I felt like this before? And how or why is this behavioral dynamic, the way we're interacting, how is that

familiar. Maybe you witnessed it in childhood, in your parents' relationship. Maybe you have been in that situation before. Maybe your partner reminds you of your paternal impactor, as I call them, because they're not all biological fathers, whoever the adults were in your life, and you're repeating something. Because what happens is when we view these things, we've witnessed these things growing up, if that's the case, it's like love and infidelity or pain or jealousy go like this. So we grow up to think that they go like this. You guys, if you're listening, can't see, but I'm putting my hands together, right? That they're intertwined in some way.

And what therapy can do for you or what mental health books or personal development books about love and relationships can do is help you see that those pain and love don't have to go together. Infidelity and love don't have to go together. Like it isn't, even if that is the model of love that you saw, because people like to also think of this as very two-dimensional. Like if there's a relationship and there was cheating, then there was no love anywhere. Then it was just a horrible experience. Like we just love to make it simple. And that's not the way that it is. It's not simple. So understanding your own

background is important. In terms of what you've seen and the experiences you've had around cheating, what do you think is worse between emotional cheating and physical cheating? It depends on the person because it matters. What matters to you is the thing that makes it cut the deepest. So some people, it's sex. It's a big, big deal if they step out sexually, even if it didn't mean anything to them per se, right? For other people, you cannot have sex. But if you are telling this woman in your office who's now your office wifey, your deepest, darkest, and no longer really sharing those things with me, most people know that's really going to be the death of a relationship. because that is going to moreover at least for the woman usually turn into something so the real question is what do we what do we think constitutes emotional cheating and what do you guys think i'm curious well it's interesting because i think when i think of what we just talked about emotional cheating versus physical cheating it's very subjective like you just said for me i don't want any cheating to happen in a relationship if it was going to happen i would rather my partner

physically have a one night stand and then come back and be regretful. And it was a mistake. And I was whatever, I was intoxicated and meant nothing. Don't even know who she is. I would rather that than no sex. And I find messages saying, I love you. I can't stop thinking about you. You know, you're my soulmate. That for me is something that, that is 10 times worse. And you can't come back from, I would rather the physical aspect and then gone. Well, I guess also the thing with emotional cheating is that like, not to say it's a gateway drug, but like often emotional cheating turns into physical cheating, you know, even if it hasn't happened yet, the implication that there is this last desire for it to happen, I think can be much

more challenging to overcome than something that is purely carnal and driven from more of a physical desire. Yes. But here's the thing. The real focus has to be on why. So what is happening within the relationship, someone's needs are not getting met. Probably both people's needs are not getting met. And this is why communication is so incredibly important and transparency, right? Because there's no need. If you're in a marriage, if you're in a relationship, a committed relationship, we're all frigging volunteers in my book, right? Even though we said forever, if you no longer wanted to be here, you could just say that, or we could talk about it. Now, some people can't though, which is why we have to be very, all we can do is keep our side of the street clean

when it comes to communication. So if what you witnessed growing up was like covert communication and passive aggressive, you know, expression of anger or annoyance or whatever, you know, you got to really learn how to communicate and tell the truth about what you sense or what you feel. When Vic and I first got together, I'm not a jealous person. I had one jealous boyfriend in my life. It was super codependent relationship. And after that, I was like, oh, hey, literally never again in my life. I will never have someone who doesn't want to share me with other people. I love a lot of people. And if that's who I am. So I knew I was like, this guy has got to be a great sharer or he's not going to be my person. And he happens to be a great sharer, which is

good. But anyway, he had this job, the woman before me, he had this horrible breakup. She like annihilated his heart. And actually part of how we got together is I had just become a psychotherapist and the friend who introduced us as friends was like, Hey, Vic is having a nervous breakdown about a breakup. You're almost a shrink. Can you talk to him? That's literally how we got together i was grudge that is so brilliant what a great meet cute right so anyway lucky he wasn't your actual patient or there may have been some problems there but do it as a friend or it will barter anyway yes so he ends up getting a job she was a creative director at a magazine my husband's an artist and he ends up getting a job now i had very bad feelings about her because the way she

ended it was terrible and i didn't feel like he was really fully over it right i felt like you he would talk about it and get kind of heated in a way that I didn't like. And I remember saying to him, listen, I'm not jealous of her per se, but the amount of heat that you just had talking about her tells me that you need to work on it. You got to get back into therapy and figure this shit out because you can't do it with me, but it also can't be not done. So then he gets into, he's like, listen, I'm going to take this job. He's like, how do you feel about it? I was like, I don't love it at all. Don't love it at all. Because I was worried about protecting him. I'm like, he's going to interact with this lady who is so mean to him.

Like, that's terrible. He's like, no, I'm mostly going to be dealing with the assistant person. It's going to be fine. So then I'm walking up to the studio that was on the third floor of the house where we used to live and the phone rings. I was like 11 o'clock at night and I stopped at the top step and I was listening. And then I was like, afraid that it was her who gets off the phone. It wasn't her.

And I was like, I just walk in. I was like, Hey, there's a problem. He was like, what's the problem? I told him, I was like, phone rang. I thought it was Betty. I'll call her. and I stood at the top of the steps listening. That is a problem. And he was like, are we having domestic disturbance about this? I was like, we are. So you need to either hand that job off.

You need to do something. I cannot feel unsafe or paranoid in my own home about this. It has got to be resolved. And he's like, okay, I'm almost done with the job. I will only talk to the other. And again, it wasn't jealousy, but I needed to tell him because if not, I knew that resentment was going to grow and he needed to care. It wasn't about blaming him that he did the wrong thing. I agreed for him to take the job. When you're in a relationship, you don't have to take responsibility for the other person's feelings, but you actually have to care, even if you don't fully understand. He could have been like, you're wrong. You said it was okay. But instead he was like, wow, this is distressing to you. This is a problem now for both of us. Yes,

it is I have had a multitude of bad relationships and lots of cheating and lots of horrible things like a lot of people go through but I have said to Laura before I was like I just feel like I'm the common denominator and I have had someone externally say to me before as a joke Brittany you're obviously the common denominator like this is happening constantly and it's it's you what's your suggestion to those people because at the end of the day I think that this can be a really bad feeling for people to blame themselves for other people cheating and I know for me I've always been faithful and loving and I know a lot of people out there in the same position that they're so good to their partners they don't understand why they've cheated what's your advice

to someone that is feeling really really freaking shitty right now being like why is this always me what am I doing wrong why am I the common denominator well part of it is I'm just going to ask you to power pivot it's not about blame what good does that do you it's it's not about you, something's wrong with you, this is empowering as hell. Because if you are repeating a pattern that you saw, if you learned this somewhere, getting to that original injury, understanding how that impacted you means you can liberate yourself from these experiences are not happening to you. They are happening because of the vibration of love that we inherited, right? That we internalized in some way. It's literally like someone taught you this love language that

isn't working for you. And you're like, why am I not fluent in some other language? Well, hi, because you have to learn it from somewhere. Nobody taught you. So there's so much hope and you deserve the most beautiful, the most securely tethered and completely free and completely adored and cherished relationship. And here's the thing. You see yourself, Brittany, as someone who is a great partner, but it's almost like there's something in the way you said that, that are you choosing the broken winged birds? Do you know what I'm saying? Like are people projects I love that you say that because I think like people could potentially interpret the conversation as though that they're getting into relationships and then things are turning bad but

I think it does really come back to a lot of the time the people that we're choosing and maybe we're choosing the same type of person I think so many I know I was guilty of it I know so many women are guilty of it like we are choosing exactly as you said the projects like I'm gonna fix this guy I'm gonna make him the best version of and maybe there is so much amazing chemistry we know how much chemistry can lie maybe there is this crazy energetic pull to this person but actually unpacking where that energetic pull comes from right i mean but but when we say choose let's be clear about that language too though because what we're really talking about is being drawn being compelled towards people and i believe that if we're being compelled towards people who

are not necessarily good for us or who don't appreciate us or whatever. That tells us original injuries around love need our attention. It's not about outward stuff. It's about going in and being like, okay, man, what did I learn about love? What am I repeating? And what do I not want to repeat anymore? And what am I willing to give up? Because here's the question, and anybody listening can ask themselves this because it's actually, you can have this in your back pocket. It's called secondary gain, which is basically how to get unstuck. So anywhere you're stuck in your life, we happen to be talking about love and infidelity, but anywhere where you're like, how the fuck am I here again? Like what, how am I, whether it's financial stuff, anything, health, you have to ask yourself this

question. What do I get to not face, not feel, or not experience by staying stuck here? So it's called secondary gain. And don't worry, we'll put them all in the show notes, but it's called secondary. Don't take notes. Just listen. It's called secondary gain because it's not obvious. It's the unobvious gain, right? So when I was involved with unavailable men in my life, right? So my story was I had an unavailable father who was just a workaholic, had four daughters, should have had sons, was a great athlete. He just wasn't meant to have so many girls at such a young age. And when my parents started having kids when they were 19, like a lot. And so I would find these first emotionally unavailable men. Then I got into therapy and being like, oh yeah,

I'm going to beat this. And now I understand what's happening. I'm only going to be with available men. I started finding all these European men who are warm and cozy and verbal and amazing. And my therapist was like, PS, they live on another continent. It's the same. content. And I'm like, wait a minute. What do you mean? I didn't outsmart my repetition. She's like, well, no. How do you feel? And I was like, longing, alone, unimportant, and I'm in New York and you're in Greece. That's how I feel. I feel, and she's like, right, you've done the same thing, but because you're too smart to do it emotionally now, you did it geographically. So this repeating, and when I had to ask myself those questions, right, what do I get to not face,

not feel, not experience by having boyfriends who all lived on other continents, what do you think I discovered? Oh, I get to not face my fear that I don't know how to have a good relationship. I get to not be actually vulnerable because it's all about logistics and who's flying where and where I'm meeting you in Paris and all of these distractions to actual intimacy. And that was the beginning of shifting. So yeah, that's a tool. Brittany's like sitting here giggling because I feel like she's just had a world revelation right now. Do you think a leopard can change their spots? Do you think you can be a cheater, a habitual cheater,

or if you're in a relationship and your partner is cheating on you, do you think that you can deal with that, come back from that stronger than ever, and then get back into a loving, strong, monogamous relationship? It would really depend on – my question always is what changed? So did you get into therapy and have massive epiphany about why you acted out the way you did? Was it an insecurity about your body, about the size of your thing, about whatever? Why? People have their reasons, lots of reasons, but I would be very

curious to see what changed. I do believe that people can change, but here's the thing. If you are addicted to the adrenaline that comes to the cycle that that experience gives you, it's not about willpower, right? So it depends. If that person actually had an epiphany, grew up, had a change of heart, got into therapy, was like, oh my God, I was overcompensating. You know, Britt, it really depends on what the person's psychological story is. Somebody saying they're going to change. I'm all about behavior, right? I don't believe that behavior lies. I believe that people lie at times and really being someone who keeps your word in a relationship and expecting others to do it. And this is also where boundaries come in, where not letting things slide, not being

so conflict averse, because I find in my therapy clients that people just want to, you know, people pleasers seeking external validation, just not wanting to make a big deal out of anything, trying to be the cool girl, kind of, you know, like, I don't want to say anything. I mean, they said they were going to call me on Friday. And then they called on Monday and were like, oh, how was your weekend? And I didn't want to say anything. I'm like, why are you colluding with that bullshit reality? The person said they'd call you. If they don't call you, fucking say, hello, you said you were calling me on Friday. I don't care that you don't call on Friday. Just don't fucking say it and don't do it. I'm busy, dude. Totally. In terms of boundaries and in

terms of like recovering from cheating, how does somebody recover from being cheated on? How do we put steps and processes and healing in place so that I guess firstly if you want to stay in that relationship how do you then have the tools to not always be jealous checking their phone constantly thinking well fuck are they still doing it following them around and hiding outside their work in the bush how do you stop that yeah like how do you how do you regain that trust again after being cheated on the person who stepped out has to be willing to do the work to regain the trust. And most, probably your audience is very much like my audience, which is high functioning, over-functioning, over-givers, highly codependent. And so again, even the

question that comes from this point of view of, so what do I do, right? What do I do to restore the trust? You know, you got to let the chips fall where they may. And the other person, if they stepped out, you have to do it together. And both people have to want to work on the relationship. And the person who did the cheating has to have some expansion for the fear and paranoia that's going to be coming from the person who was cheated on. There's got to be some restitution, some bandwidth, some compassion for how you may be feeling if you're the one who was cheated on. When you have been in a relationship that has been full of infidelity and you're trying to move on, how do people stop themselves from self-sabotaging and taking that

into a new relationship? So what do we do? We heal. We stop thinking it's outside of us. We bring it into, I'm going to find and heal the original injury. I got corrupted data somewhere along the line about love, and I'm going to correct that within myself. And it starts with your relationship with you. So keep in mind how you treat yourself, how you think about yourself, if you rest when you're tired, if you make fun of yourself to not threaten other people, which I know so many in this crew probably do. You don't want to talk about your accomplishments because you don't want anyone to feel threatened, all the things. Your relationship with yourself sets the bar for every other relationship in your life. So when you really fall madly,

deeply in love with yourself, when you actually treat yourself like the effing queen that you are, you will attract other people who agree with that self-assessment. And if you have a low self-assessment and you talk badly about yourself and you have an inner mean committee saying what an idiot you are all the time, you will inevitably attract others who agree with that low self-assessment. So it all begins and ends with you, which is not as much fun as trying to quote find the right one for many people, right? We're like, oh, I've got to go in. But you do. And let's do it this time and do it right. Because this can be the last time. Because every one of us deserves to be cherished, to be treated with respect and excitement, to have someone who's energized by

our presence and that we feel that same way. But if we don't work out those injuries, we will just keep continuing to act them out because our internal person right that little kid inside of us is like ever hopeful this time it's going to be different but it's only going to be different if you have new skills and a deeper self-understanding of why it's been the way it has terry you have written and it's right there behind you boundary boss and now before we do let you go i would love to know from your book and from all the research that you've done in setting boundaries. And we have spoken about the importance of boundaries many times on this podcast, but why is it so essential to have healthy boundaries in our life and to really know

what it is that we stand for? Because when you think about what boundaries are, right, they're your own personal rules of engagement. You're letting other people know what's okay with you and what's not okay with you. That's made up of your preferences, your limits and your non-negotiables so this is who you are it's not they don't just make up your boundaries those things also make up who you are as a human being your preferences matter you know how we love to be like oh i'm easy whatever you guys want no dial into your preferences they matter they're unique to you they make you you your limits the stuff you don't want to do when I was dating, when I was younger, I was in recovery. I said to my friend, they were trying

to set me up. I was like, nobody in recovery though. And my friend was like, why? Why don't you? You're in recovery. I was like, first of all, none of your effing business because one addict in a relationship is enough for me. And I'm the one in this, but that was a limit for me, right? That was a deal breaker. And you have, all of us have a right to those things in life. And it's not about going along to get along. So when you know what your boundaries are, your preferences, your limits, your deal breakers, you can let people know who you are authentically. People want to know who you are authentically. And when we're all like saying yes, when we really want to say no, we're the ones giving corrupted data to others about who we are. And then you wonder why

you feel existentially lonely in the relationships you are in because we're too busy, just people pleasing and going along to get along you know and I guess it's also like I mean you're setting the standard for how you want other people to treat you you're saying like this is what I am and I'm not okay with and I guess that all ties like fundamentally back into this conversation around cheating as much as it can happen in your relationships like being able to set what is and where your boundaries lie and I guess that comes back to this idea is for why for some people it is a definitive deal breaker yes well totally if somebody knows if somebody knows oh I didn't I told her I was going to call her or catch up with her and I didn't catch up with her but she didn't

say anything so it's not a big deal that this sets the tone for well it's I can sort of do that now I don't have to show up I don't have to stick to my word because you're going to let them do it and then when you speak to I speak to friends all the time you hear friends say to each other oh do you know what I just couldn't be bothered you'd be like why didn't you say anything to him why don't you call it out I could not be bothered to have the conversation I'll speak to him next week but then without even knowing subconsciously you have set the tone that this shit is okay That is exactly right. And you're colluding with the lowest instinct in that person.

Instead of inspiring them to be better, you may. Sometimes somebody says you're going to call and they actually do forget because they're flighty, because they're not dialed in, because they can't read a room, whatever. And you saying, hey, man, I thought you were going to call on Friday. When I didn't hear from you, Matthew Hussey, who's a dating expert as well, you guys, I'm sure you know who he is. We love Matthew, yes. We haven't spoken to him, but we just secretly love him.

He's amazing. He's the cutest. He has this great thing that you could say if someone, if they do that, if they try to get in touch and after they were supposed to get in touch, but didn't like, oh, when they're like, hey, what's up? Long after the time they're supposed to call and you can say, oh, when I didn't hear from you today, I just figured you had a flaky moment. I'm actually just hopping in the tub with a great book right now.

I hope you have a great night. Like, bye. I mentioned it. Listen, we don't, it doesn't have to be like dropping a hammer on their face. We don't need to lose it, but we need to be like, that's not cool with me. That might be cool with other people, but it doesn't work for me. And people, they will rise or fall to our expectation. Just as you said, Brittany, so eloquently, it's true.

If you act like that's cool. And also if you treat yourself like crap, if you don't rest when you're tired, if you overwork yourself, if you always put other people above yourself, they know. They're like, she'll do it. she always she's like that she'll do it and we don't want that we want to treat we want to teach people how to treat us consciously and mindfully rather than in some default position way because that is pretty much never in our highest good you know i think there's a lot of power in that about not giving them all of you and all of your anger and all of your emotions yep clock it and then

just throw it away and also do it neutrally though part of the whole thing is drawing boundaries can be done with ease and grace. It's not as hard as we think. We just have so much fear, but once you start, I promise you, you cannot stop. It will be impossible to stop. Well, Terri, thank you so much for joining us today. Your voice is so beautiful to listen to. Can I just add before we go? It was so soothing. It's very soothing. I'm sure you hear that a lot. I think I went into like a meditative state there. I do hear that a lot. I want to tell you guys though, I have a gift for your audience, because I think that you guys will love it. So it's about codependency and boundaries. So people can really, speaking of clocking, clock where they are on the codependency

scale, which is really helpful when it comes to not putting up with infidelity, when it comes to boundaries. So you guys can get it at boundaryboss.me forward slash life uncut. Oh, amazing. Thank you so much, Terri. And Terri, thank you so much for being a part of the podcast. we have loved speaking with you for imparting all your wisdom. Please, can you tell everybody where they can find you on Instagram, where they can find you in podcast world? Give us your handles. The podcast is The Terry Cole Show, easy to find. I'm at Terry Cole on Instagram. If people want to get the book and all the bonuses, they can go to boundarybossbook.com. The bonuses are all still there, even though everyone says take them down. I'm like, why? I made them for people. I'm not

taking them down that's great fake scarcity no thanks anyway fake scarcity I know right pretend like there's more demand just stop it's so dumb but anyway this was so much fun you guys I love what you're doing thank you thank you thank you for having me thank you for being a part well you know we never finish an episode without our suck and our sweet our highlight and our low light the best and the worst thing to happen to you this week Laura do you want to kick it off with your suck my suck for the week is not look i mean it's been a pretty good week it's not a particularly sucky suck but marley may has turned in to a little sass pot also okay actually this is a bit of a suck i think marley may is gonna be a bit of a mean girl maybe she needs to stop

watching peppa pig but but i hate peppa do you know what she says she'll say you're not my best friend but she said it to a little girl at daycare when i was there and i was picking her up and i was like hey Marley say bye bye to blah blah blah your friend and she was like you're not my best friend and I was like cool that is real mean girl vibes Marley we are not doing this I think that that's sort of normal isn't it for little kids potentially but it's like it's so mean it's so mean and then she's just got this real sass thing going on she says to me the other day as well she goes mom I can smell some stinks and I was like oh yeah what can you smell she goes my farts and I was like okay and then she did a fart like a loud audible fart like she was pre-empting you

that it was coming like it was a setup I was hey mom I can smell my farts and I was like okay and then she farted no she's pretty clued in and she thought that that was really funny it is pretty funny I think I've just hit the age where my child has just turned into a bit of a jerk is that the I don't think it is. I don't think she's too young to be a jerk. No, no, toddlers are jerks. No, she's well in the jerk territory. I think other mums who have toddlers will absolutely agree.

I was just about to get really deep here, but I think it's for another story. But I think at the end of the day, I don't think she's a mean girl yet. I think they haven't – No, I don't think she is. I don't think she – At that age, though, they haven't developed, like, their level of empathy. All she's doing, as far as she knows, is saying the truth. She's saying her thought because she hasn't developed, like,

what hurts people's feelings yet. so she doesn't quite know if in a couple of years she's still doing it when she has a better understanding then you can worry i don't know because i feel like three-year-olds like if someone said to her you're not my best friend that would make her upset then maybe she doesn't relate what makes her upset to what makes other people upset necessarily maybe that's what you have to do imagine if someone said that to you how would you feel maybe they haven't put the dots together yet maybe she hasn't connected but that's like we need to get a child psychologist on we are not equipped to have this conversation yeah nobody listened to us when it comes to

parenting advice that is not what this podcast is for definitely not all right and my sweet for the week is that actually I had a few sweets for the week I had something happen which I can't share yet because it is still a big secret but when I can share it on Thursday I'll let you guys all know it's very special for my personal life and will make zero difference to anybody else's Laura sweet is that you can't know that's a yeah my sweet is something really big happened in my life and I can't tell you but then my second sweet is that I made new friends this week so Matt Matt and I made some friends we made some friends at the park recently we both have kids we would just like go to the park and have a chat and now we've migrated from being park friends they invited

us over their house for lunch or like for like cheese and we went to their house to have cheese and now we're like people who hang out at each other's house friends oh cheese definitely solidifies the relationship you have gone to the next you and I haven't even had cheese we follow each other on Instagram now it's all happening anyway who asked whom they asked us play it cool Laura play it so cool that you talk about on the podcast that you made a new friend that invited you for cheese well I think that this is like it's such a take-home message because I feel like a lot of adults feel like this it's so fucking hard to make new friends as an adult and it's so like of course you meet new acquaintances and you always have kind of like new people that come into your

life but it's it's not very often that you meet new people that you really vibe with and actually genuinely are like yeah we could be friends so it was a really nice thing and they're great people and so we had a great time I agree and I have like I have met so many people made so many friends since I've got Delilah because at the dog park everyone goes down same thing you know how you take your kids down you'll talk everyone goes to dog park and they'll talk but I haven't managed to convert yet I haven't converted any to the cheese situation oh it's coming we're still mingling yeah you got to add them on instagram first well that happened once yep that happened a couple of days ago so i'll just wait to see if i can convert that and i'll let you know and

they're also like it's so weird right like who makes the first move am i being overbearing by asking you to come over to my house and have some cheese who knows who asked okay will you date me as a friend anyway yeah so we made it the friend base but anyway brittany what is your suck i'm really happy for you thank you my suck this week is i went to the hunter valley i had a beautiful weekend which is actually going to be my sweet but my suck is you know you leave your house for a couple of days and you keep it all locked up and it's been raining and cold and then you come home and there is a big bullshit fuck off huntsman like in my bedroom the biggest monster it was like jurassic park britney you know that you live in my old apartment where there was a huntsman

infestation that's why i'm looking at you girl they're coming for you well what do i do how many are there are they everywhere can i sleep tonight i ended up getting an insect bomb but i also just ended up getting lots of glass cups and paper and trying to slide the paper under it and put them outside but after about 10 of them i was like no just bomb the fuckers but you know when you've seen one in your room you're like i don't think i can ever sleep again like how what do i do do i sleep in this bedroom tonight i think you move out yeah i'd burn the house down unfortunately we're relocating the studios next week and we won't be here anymore but it's been fun while it lasted and what is your sweet britney my sweet is i did go to the hunter valley on the weekend i

I met – my family all met from three different places. My sister and her fiancé Jay came from the Gold Coast. My mum and my dad came from Port Macquarie. And then I obviously came from Sydney. And I just haven't seen my parents in so long. Time really flies. And it was – for me, it was too long for my liking. So, yeah, we just met and we just literally, literally,

I am in a proper food, cheese and wine coma. Do you know that having too much cheese can make you have, like, really weird cheese dreams? I cannot tell you. I will tell you off air, Laura. I had the weirdest dream you had a sex dream didn't you no I had a weird okay I'll just tell you on it I had a dream that my ex that I was with a long time I was with him for eight years like my first ever ex he burst into my room and said quick Brittany you need to take this big and

I haven't seen him in years you need to take this big giant easter egg that was like a meter long he's like you need to take this big giant easter egg and you need to take it out the front to his girlfriend his girlfriend was out there and when I give you the signal you need to give it to her And I was like, oh my God, are you proposing with an Easter egg? He's like, just do as I say. That was the dream. That was it. The weirdest dream of my life.

And it was because I had 25 kilos of cheese. Cheese dreams. That'll fucking do it. It's the mold. It's the mold again, Britt. That's what it is. Anyway, guys, that is it from us today. We know that talking about cheating is not necessarily the most uplifting of conversations,

but it is a fucking important part of relationships. And it's something that so many people go through. So we're really, really glad that we could bring you this episode. And if you want to slide into our DMs for Ask Uncut, slide on in at Life Uncut Podcast. Send us your Ask Uncut. Also, we have just brought in a new-ish segment, which we did on radio on the weekend.

If you listen to our radio show, it is called Overheard. So the next time you're out and about and you overhear something that you absolutely certainly should not have, the weirder the better. Send them to us as well because we want to know about it. And don't forget to tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love

because we love love