Life Uncut - PART 1 - Sexologist Chantelle Otten - LIVE SHOW BONUS

Episode Date: October 18, 2022

Ya'll asked for it! The cut down interviews from our LIVE SHOW!We will be dropping 4 bonus episodes with all the amazing guests from our Sydney Live show. The first 2 guest are dropping Wednesday and the final 2 on Friday.WELCOME TO PART 1On this episode we speak to Psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten about sex, orgasms and libido.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys and welcome back to a very special bonus episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and we are bringing to you some sneaky cute little packaged up packages from our live show.

We are. So each one of our guests who attended the live show is going to have their own little bonus episode this week. and we thought we would kick it off with the very first guest that we had, which was Chantel Otten. Chantel Otten is an incredible psychosexologist. We've had her on the podcast many times in the past, but she came to the live show in Sydney and spoke about orgasms and libido, and it truly was such a wild and wonderful time. Let's get into the chat.

No, look, we love talking about sex, so let's get our first guest out here. She's a psychosexologist. The sexiest of sexologists. She's so sexy. She is also so incredibly interesting. She knows so much about it. She's also our resident sexologist on the podcast. You may know who she is.

It is Chantelle Otten. Woo! Would you look at how hot you look? You're too kind. Take a seat. Let's take a seat. All of the silliness is out of the way now. Chantelle, can I get you a champagne?

Yeah, why not? Sure, here's one I prepared earlier. I'm glad you said yes. Let's celebrate. There we go. That was really impressive, by the way. What's that? I learned something.

No, I didn't know about the helicopter. What would you have thought it was? And what, okay, in your professional experience and opinion, what could it possibly have been good for except to give yourself sciatica? Okay, no, so I actually thought I did it out the back. I thought I might as well just see what I think it is. And it was similar, but it was, like, one person like this. What was the other person doing?

Anal. Oh! Oh! Oh! I mean, sure, that could be Helicopter 2.0. Swivelling on the axis. I have a question for you, and I'm just going to go off-piste for a moment.

What is your favourite sex position? Is that off-piste? Am I allowed to ask that? Is that too far? You can say I don't want to answer that question. If you're just strangers, do sex positions. You can ask the sexologist. You know what?

I have so many, but I reckon I'd go 69 because you can do that with all genders. Well, I think it's fun. Great. So much effort. No. I just want to lay back and have someone do it to me. I'm all about giving and receiving, obviously. One of us is a generous lover.

I'm tired. You don't have two kids. True. we'll talk in a couple of years okay we had a question we need to break that up oh whoa whoa whoa oh no i was just like you keep going oh sorry i'm like steamrolling we had a question that came in on the podcast and it was a few weeks ago and we did our best to answer it on ask uncut but i don't know if we actually got to the root of the question is that an intentional pun that was good it wasn't wasn't i could tell so the person had written in and they said

that they weren't sure whether or not they had ever had an orgasm and to us we were like how do you not know yeah but then so many people wrote in and said they either hadn't had one or they weren't sure is this something that you experience and for anybody who is mildly confused how do you know if you've had an orgasm okay so let's start with how do you know I think it's like you get this tension in your pelvic floor and I think other parts of your body will start tensing up maybe like your like your butt muscles your legs you'll start to feel this like build within your body uh and you might start getting a bit like oh like what is this you start getting like a little bit yeah excited maybe flushed maybe a bit sweaty I don't know and then you kind of reach this peak

where you go and then you go oh my god that's like a you either kind of like lean into it and you can keep going again and again or you just go that was like that was good and that was intense and don't touch that for a little bit now like let's leave it but does it always have to be like this intense amount of release or do people have it to different levels because I guess like that is obviously when I think of it I'm like yeah that makes so perfect sense but for somebody who's written in and they're not sure and they they said that they feel like they get to that crescendo but it doesn't seem as good as what people describe an orgasm to be like they're not going they're like oh it also depends on your expectations right i think a lot of people

have learned about orgasms through pornography or through movies where people are going but you know you can have orgasms from not just like penetration or the clitoral area you can have nipplegasms you're getting like head scratchy gasms like even like scratching the back or like inner thighs and that's a different type of orgasm in itself so you know it's really hard to measure orgasms because they feel different for every single person it's like desire right like you can't really measure desire because it's so subjective to the individual but I think if you can come away from an erotic experience and go I felt pleasure during that does it really actually matter that much if you've had an orgasm an orgasm doesn't mean it's a successful sexual experience

I'm getting hot I'm getting hot under the collar um okay so we know you can have clitoral an orgasm by the clitoris we know it can be penetrative is it for the people out there that have said they've never had one are there people that will just never have one or do you think that for everyone out there because i know i know i'm never gonna ask you to put your hand up but i know there are people right now that have never had an orgasm which is totally fine but is there a way that you would say to these people there is a way everyone can get there or will some people unfortunately not get there about 12 percent will not 12 percent of vulva owners will not be able to have an orgasm so that's kind of that's one in

10 that's much more common than we think right do you know i think that that's such an important thing to say because i mean i have a friend who's here in the audience and we've had many conversations where we've said we're going to do a podcast episode on talking about someone who has never had an orgasm and i think that there's this incredible stigma around it where it's like it's this expectation or just try harder or try this or do this and maybe it's yes try everything but i also think that it has to come a point where it's okay and that shouldn't be the end goal that shouldn't be the only thing that you're trying for because then how do you end up enjoying the rest of sex at the same time well pleasure should be the goal of sex it shouldn't be about

this goal like orientated view of if you're like a cis and heterosexual then penetration but I think for most people they go I need to have an orgasm that means I've had a successful sexual experience and if I don't have one my partner's going to think that they failed and I you know I'm going to have to like fake it no you've just got to go in there and you can literally be honest and say I don't like I don't orgasm but I'm here to have fun like do this this and this to me and we're gonna have a really good time I'm about to say something but I don't know do I want to put that out there um yeah I'll just do it um you sorry dad turn away you just mentioned um like some people want to go in there and fake it or just say they're not going to do it this has happened

to me not that long ago we're like because i'm all about being honest so i'm like you know like i'm not going to get there and it's it's not that i can't orgasm is that i just wasn't going to and you know sometimes you have a headache i um bit of work so like i wasn't going to do it and i and i got myself into a pickle a little pickle pickle as laura would say i was like i'm not going to get there and he was like challenge accepted i was like bro like literally not gonna happen and he was like let me get down there and he was going rogue and i was like i and i got to the point where i was like i'm not proud of this and chantalotten's gonna hate me not at all i faked it i was like

oh there it is you're allowed to you're allowed to fake an orgasm when you want to get out of there like did you hear that yes ladies we've all done it honestly though like i i think it's totally fine if you're just like i'm a bit like i'm a bit bored now like oh my god that's amazing i'm coming i haven't taken your pants off yet yeah shoot i'm done and that's a wrap um okay so you can fake it because that's actually you've just put Laura and I out of a job because wearer glasses always no but I think it's also helpful to mention seeing as we're on the topic of orgasms we have to also mention that penetrative orgasms don't

happen for the majority of vulva owners clitoral orgasms are the way to go so if you're in a sexual situation like that where you're like I don't think I'm going to get there from them pleasing you there's like put your fingers down there and finish yourself off while you're having sex with them like that is the best thing that you can do you're your best sexual partner so why wouldn't you finish yourself off if you're just a bit over it you can also just fake it that's also fine as well okay but don't you think this is the big question we always have when we talk about faking orgasms don't you think it's just rewarding bad behavior yeah because they end up coming to me then like that I guess it depends on how invested you are in schooling that person really

how much time do you want to spend there talking about it but you know what like I think you can always just say like if someone's like challenge accepted just be like that like you can just be like no just be like just like let's just have fun don't worry about it like let's just go I'm i'm cool do this but don't like don't push me don't push me like all right i think that's fine i'll do that next time no no no you did the right thing dad you can tune back in now um so okay talking about libido uh and sex drive because it is it's a question that we do get a lot and what we wanted to know is where is mine gone yeah i mean i wasn't going to be so direct but like fuck how does Laura have sex for more than three minutes without a headache sex and kids is hard

you're like my I've got 20 staff babe I reckon five of them are full-time seeing parents like new parents because it's so tough no one tells you that having a baby through having fun and erotic experiences is going to kill the rest of your sex life no but it is like you know it is really hard to to have like fun erotic experiences after children because you also change your identity you change your role like you're not just laura you're a mom now your partner's a dad and you kind of have to lean into those labels to be able to get through this period as well if you're tired you're exhausted your kids get a lot of attention they're touching you all the time you can get really touched out your boobs become very unsexy and i think you probably just want to

sleep a lot I mean I'm not a parent but maybe you can tell me but also your hormones are on the ground as well and I guess it also like for me that conversation always comes back to this idea that when people say oh you know I just have a higher sex drive or I just have and I I don't know I mean you're the expert you can tell me but are people born with different heightened sex drives or is it just that at different phases in our life it'll go up and down depending on what circumstances are around us and what we're experiencing everyone's will go up and down but some people will have higher levels of androgens which are like we call them like male hormones but they're not we all have them so that's like testosterone which will fuel your sex

drive and that can make you hornier of course and some people will just grow up in more sexualized environments where they're just much more attuned to it they're much more focused on it and they will prioritize it a lot more but I think for everyone myself included it's just going to be like that depending on what you're doing in your life right I was just going to say it's it's definitely not just I mean of course for the parents out there it's obviously exhausting and you're fatigued but there are a lot of single people out there that don't have kids that like I go through phases where I'm like I couldn't care less don't don't feel it don't want it don't think about it and then you hit the five year mark and you're like wrong it's about time but it's it's

one of those things that I think everyone goes through for different points and we know there are different things that contribute like stress and things like that but what can somebody do if you're in a relationship with no kids maybe you have kids um you just want to get a little bit more freaky what what can you do to try to get that libido back all right so I think it's best to kind of sit back and think what am I doing in the bedroom because I think a lot of the time if you're also in a long-term relationship for example you end up like doing the same thing in the bedroom like you're on the same section i'm also in a long-term relationship babe that is not directed at anyone on the doggy sleep triggered

um but you know it's like it's like eating the same like set menu every single time you go out for dinner you're like you don't want to have that every single time you get bored of it so it's the same it's like sexual boredom is going to kill your sex drive right but i think it's important to go okay well what are all the things like if I think back to a really good sexual experience what did it actually look like what did what was a kind of situation I can't even speak what was surrounding it what were the circumstances who was I with how did I feel what was I wearing was my lifestyle I guess a little bit more relaxed was I feeling healthy and well and what did I do in the bedroom that made it so much more fun I think it's about adding some new things into the

bedroom as well because then you get excited about it I think if you're really concerned of course make sure that like your body's in check you know what medications are you on what are your hormones like how's your stress are you have you got anxiety are you a bit depressed at the moment like all of those things probably well not probably you deserve to be you know given attention for those things as well but if everything's kind of ruled out maybe just think do I actually prioritize it am I expecting it to be spontaneous because we can't always have spontaneous sex we would just get horny out of nowhere and we want it right there and then we actually have to look into responsive sexuality which is where you know maybe we're sitting

together and I start touching your arm a little bit well she got a little quiver on her lip just then she's like okay I'm ready she's like maybe I can lean into this a little bit you know maybe we're on this velvet couch and I feel good and I feel sexy and then you can lean into that responsive sexual desire does that wait I'm not asking if I can get this velvet couch shipped to my house after this well I also think I mean I think that sometimes we can think that if couples have a mismatch in their libido that the couple that that's going to be a huge rift for them that the couple is then doomed do you think that a mismatch in libido can or should be the end in a relationship i don't think it should be i think it can be for sure because it really depends on

your priorities right but i think we're seeing a lot more um conversation around like ethical non-monogamy for a reason these days um but i also think like we have to have patience if you're spending a long period of time with someone just because you're going through a period where you're not having as much sex doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed your relationship is not just about sex well you know I would hope there would be things like love companionship you know so many other things in there that would kind of trump just sex if that makes sense so I think it's about going okay well how distressing is it for me how distressing is it for my partner and what can we do to make sure that we prioritize it and we get to some kind of median that we feel

comfortable with both of us because we don't want one person always pursuing the other one for sex and the other one going oh my god they're coming and just running pursue a distance their relationships you know there needs to be this hey I hear that you want to have more sex I know my desire is low at the moment why don't I try doing a little bit more of this and I'd really like if you stop doing so much of this right now and let's just try and meet in the middle what do you think in terms of when it comes to sex what is the most important thing to have with your partner and I know we always hone back to this idea of communication but like how can you improve that with your partner because I feel like sex is that one thing that no matter how long you've been with the person

it can still be a really scary thing to bring up it can be a really intimidating thing to talk to your partner about? I think like your partner is the hardest person to talk to about sex with honestly I think um the main thing that you need to have is actually just fun and pleasure in the bedroom and if you can find some ways of communicating it doesn't have to be verbal like literally it can be through a text message or like sending an Instagram post or one of your podcast episodes. Not to be clear not my kind of text message don't take a photo and then send it back to them oh yeah I did I did hear this one which doesn't work tried and tested but I think it's like I would work with like positive reinforcement and like it doesn't have to be

a serious conversation unless it is really distressing I think something like would love to try this or like wow this toy looks fun or like oh I heard about this on life on cut something like that to just like plant a seed if it's really out of bounds i mean that's the reason why i have a career right people need to talk about it because sometimes you need to have someone there with you to help guide that conversation to make it a safer space for both of you chantelle otten everybody thank you so much for joining us on stage thank you Give her a round of applause. Chantel, thank you so much.

You're definitely coming back on the podcast soon. But just before you leave, give yourself a little shout-out. Where can everyone find you? Just Chantel Otten, sexologist. And another round of applause for Chantel. Thank you. We'll be right back.