Life Uncut - SEEING GREEN - The Jealous type

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

It’s Tuesday lifers! And we are taking a walk with the green eyed monster. But first we are unpacking you most hilarious Bumble online dating stories thanks to todays sponsor - you guessed it Bumble!Chances are, unless you’re a a beautiful, unique, mythical unicorn mermaid, you’ve experienced jealousy at some stage of your life, especially in romantic relationships. Maybe for reasons that are warranted or maybe it comes from a place of deep insecurity, either way we are going to get to the bottom of it because it is not conducive to a healthy relationship.There is one kind of jealousy that we are really going to deep dive into, and that is retrospective or retroactive jealousy, which is when one experiences painful thoughts and an intense overwhelming and all consuming curiosity and obsession with their partners past relationships and sexual history. And let us tell you, it’s real and never ends well. Thank you to today’s sponsor, Bumble. The dating app where women make the first move. An app that empowers users to connect with confidence whether dating, networking, or meeting friends online.If you like having us in your ears guys please hit subscribe, 5 stars and share the love, because, well, we love love xSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut, I'm Brittany and I'm Laura and I feel really excited to be here today because I feel a bit rejuvenated. I had a weekend away and I feel like I've come back and I haven't seen you in like a week. Well I feel rejuvenated too Brit. Do you know what I've hit the point in my pregnancy now where yesterday I sneezed and I pissed myself and I'm not talking like a little wee. I'm talking like in public sneezed and my bladder let go. So just just to clarify how do you feel rejuvenated because of that? Is that just because you feel fresh like you showered yourself no I was being sarcastic I've just reached that point in my life now where I don't have control over my bodily functions like I thought I would

get there when I was a geriatric but apparently not 34 is the year when now I don't have any control over my pelvic floor muscles okay so when you wee yourself in public is it just like the tiniest little bit or you mean like it's your proper satched well normally look I mean I've been at the at the sneeze and wee a little bit stage for a while like yeah like like oh that's uncomfortable but that just happened no this was like I sneezed and I wet myself like it wasn't it wasn't like those cute commercials where you see where it's like oh I sometimes say sneeze and a little leakage comes out like I fully peed myself this kid is sitting on my bladder and jumping up and down I was like here comes an accidentally unfiltered story for the podcast I actually love

that not love that for you but I love that for me I also have these like bruises I don't know like to all the other pregnant women out there I have these bruises all down the sides of my legs and across my stomach because I I don't have spatial awareness about how big I am and this has just happened in a very short period of time so I run into walls I run into the baby gate at home I run into the baby gate at work like I just keep running into things that normally I would fit through and I no longer fit through them like doors. I feel like that's because you, to me as an outlooker looking in, I feel like you were like, not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, like out of nowhere, your belly just came out of nowhere.

I thought you didn't look pregnant until literally maybe three weeks ago. So I reckon that's what's happened. You just, you're not used to it. And it wasn't there. It's just popped out. That's exactly what's happened. You're knocking things left, right, and center. Anyway, it's happening. It's actually happening sooner than what I keep remembering. I keep forgetting I mean you do have a date yeah I do and I keep forgetting what that date is and it is quickly approaching which is very frightening in my pants do you know what I love about this actually I'm just going to tell the people our private conversations and our private concerns I'm like Laura I've got some concerns I'm a bit stressed about what's happening what's going to

happen when you have the baby how long you're going to need a lot of time off I was like because you're going to have a two-year-old a newborn you run Tony May we've got the podcast what do we let's put some plans into place babe it's fine it's not even it's not even gonna be hard she's like i'm gonna be fine i'll take like two weeks off and i'm like oh no it's gonna it's gonna be pretty hard i think it's gonna be like no it's having two is just like having one and i'm in my head i'm like oh my god this is i know i can see this imploding but i love your optimism i'm somebody who thrives in chaos so like the more chaotic my life is the more i actually get shit done and like that makes people who are like a personality types and very organized very

stressed but when things are just out of control in my life I'm like oh this is my element here I am Laura and I do get we do our best work at like 2 a.m the day that something is due when we're stressed to the nines but this is me trying to really be like a good businessman business partner and like preempt the chaos is going to happen but I think I can't I think we're just going to have to roll with it see what happens but also think of all the funny stories that are going to come as a result of this but anyway enough about me and not being able to fit through walls and paying myself guys here we are another episode I'm sure that's not how you expected this one to start I went away for the weekend to Port Macquarie back home to the fam bam it was my sister Sherry's 30th

which was the longest bloody 30th I feel like I've celebrated over two weeks my nana came from Sydney and we had this little house party but um my nana and my mom and dad and they got lit my nana was lit like she she's like i haven't partied in 20 years she was down in the line she was the life of the party they loved it but we had such a good time it was just imagining nana hockley doing fireballs and taking her top off she was she was like there were photos of us where she's like you know when you're at i don't know why we even did this we were all pretty drunk you know you do those photos where you lift someone up sideways my 85 year old nana was like sideways wailing while these drunk people were thrown around i'm like just roll with it nana roll with

but it was just nice to get away also the beaches in Port Macquarie are incredible no one's on them it was just like you could have kilometers of empty beaches which you just would never get here so I feel like it was a bit of a revive and maybe that's why I'm coming this morning with so much energy so guys you know we've been working for a little while now with our friends over at Bumble and you know that I have personally been working with Bumble because I have been on Bumble for seven years but she's also been on a bus stop as the bumble ambassador I'm not shy about it anyway but because we've been working them we we have a really great funny segment coming up today where we're going to be talking about your best funniest most awkward weird and wonderful

online bumble dating stories because we know there are a lot of them then we're going to be jumping into the episode today guys which we should probably tell you what it's about it is about jealousy and a very specific type of jealousy called retroactive or retrospective jealousy. Now that's something I hadn't heard before. I don't think you'd heard about it much, Laura. So we were like, let's jump into that. Well, it's definitely something that we hadn't heard the label for. However, someone was talking about it in the Facebook group and it's a retroactive jealousy is like when you are jealous of your partner's ex, for example. Well, we'll get into that fully in a little while, but we both saw it and it came up in the Facebook group and we were

like this is such an interesting topic because jealousy is something that we all deal with at different points in our relationships. It's an emotion that's a bit icky, but we cannot get away from it. And we thought being a relationship podcast, how have we gotten to this point and never spoken about jealousy? But before we get into that, I know Britt, you have an accidentally unfiltered story for me. I do. And it comes from one of our own. It was in our Facebook group and I just had the biggest chuckle. Laura, I don't know if you've seen it, but basically this is what she says she's scrolling facebook and she sees the facebook life uncut group post then she sees another post under it and she just assumes it was the facebook life uncut group

the question was if you had to name your child after the last thing you touched what would you call it so she writes in penis and then like an hour later when some other people in her community group write to her being like you can't post that she realizes that she didn't write that in the life on cut group it was just like a community suburb group and it was just like general questions between the moms like what would you call your kid if it was the last thing you touched and she was like dirk but she thought she was writing it to our group she was like i'm fucking mortified but i just thought That was the cutest little thing ever.

You guys go rogue in the Life Uncut group. We love it. We're here for it. If you want to call your kid penis. Look. No, maybe actually no. Let's be fair. Probably not okay, but also kind of funny.

I imagine it like it's like the Bondi local group, you know, like the buy, swap, sell and stuff. Like I think she's put it in her local suburb group. I think it's hilarious. Although it really does open that up to interpretation. Name your kid the last thing you touched. What would yours be? Porridge, table, microphone.

Mine would be spirulina. I just made a green smoothie. Go health. Anyway, guys, so like Britt said, we do have this very special segment today where we put a call out on our Instagrams for your funniest Bumble online dating stories. And holy shit knickers, we have received some of the most hilarious stories. And like, obviously we know that there are so many online dating success stories that come out of Bumble and come out of all of the different online platforms.

However, they're not necessarily the funniest ones. a lot of the funny stories that have come out of this are dating fails even with dating fails there's often been times where they've turned into long-term relationships however I do have a question for you Brit and it's all about like what is the etiquette so we had so many funny stories coming in and one of the stories that came in really made me think about this if you have matched with someone on online dating you've exchanged a few words with them but you've not organized a date it hasn't really gone any further but then just say you're at the beach or you're at bar or you're somewhere and you see them in real life what is the etiquette there can you go up and

talk to them can you go up and be like would you go up and say like hey we matched on bumble like let's date okay I've spoken to them but I've never met them in real life I would probably not because I'd be like there's no way they recognize who I am in real life that's what I would think I would be like this he doesn't fucking know who I am like my my my online dating profile is pretty mean like I've got this is why I always say to you like you cannot put again and I think that this is a rule for online dating you cannot put your absolute best photos where you look so much hotter than you normally look in day-to-day life for the fear of running into a match and then being like that girl looks vaguely like someone I matched on bumble except less hot

I did that for so long obviously like you as like a cv so you put your best foot forward until I realize this and I did change I've got like a few really good photos and then I've got a few like really normal photos literally normal day-to-day I mean they're not my they're not my worst photos I've tried to keep it semi-normal and semi like this is what I'm like in the day but this is my potential at night I can go from a 7 to a 10 real fucking quick pal so no I think you're totally entitled to if you go if you have seen someone and you're like I think we've met on bumble before someone has said that to me actually we're at um the Royal in Bondi which is our local he came up to me and he's like he's like hey we matched on Bumble but you didn't reply and I was

like ah did we there's a reason why we didn't I didn't reply but no I think definitely I think you can 100% go up and strike up the conversation because what is the difference I agree I guess the difference is like not having that anonymity and like the fear of being rejected in real life is much greater than the fear of being rejected online but you've matched yeah totally well okay the reason why I thought I would ask this was because one of the funny stories that came in and this is like this is a success story so this one isn't that funny the rest of them are much much funnier usually the funny stories come when shit's gone completely wrong one of our listeners had been at the opera bar and she was waiting to meet this guy who she'd matched she was waiting

for him and this other guy came up to her and was like hey we've matched on bumble before like how you going and she was kind of like this is really awkward because I'm here meeting someone else but was trying to wrap the conversation up pretty quickly but at the same time was like oh I'm really vibing this guy like he is hot he is great they had obvious real chemistry anyway she went on her date the date was a bit of a flog and then at the end of the date the guy from the original match actually the guy who came up to at the start came up and was like I'd love to be able to take you out sometime and they're still together oh yes there you go it actually happens well there's answer everyone if you see someone in the wild that you have matched online approach them with

caution but approach them oh i don't know if i had the guts but anyway let's get into some of these actual funny stories okay i'm gonna kick start so i was meant to be meeting this beautiful beautiful tall six foot three blonde man with freckles he seemed super fit and had really good chat i got to the place that we were supposed to meet which was manly wolf bar i stood in the line with the COVID sign keep your distance wait here suddenly this random guy in the line with fiery red hair strikes up a conversation with me I look at him well I look down at him because he's shorter than me I'm 5'10 and I was wearing my heels because why not my hot date was six foot three I say hi and I try to be polite I mean I was looking pretty damn good so I don't blame him

this guy starts asking me questions and I feel really awkward and I look down at my phone trying to get away and I see that there is a message from my hot date saying I'm in the line I look around and I type I can't see you suddenly this little guy with a fiery red hair checks his phone and it's the message that I had just sent I wanted to die he looked up at me and said oh your message just came through the reception must be bad in here I sat with my date the whole time feeling like an awkward big friendly giant he catfished her that's so wrong but also how funny that she's messaging him saying I can't see you and he's there and he's like I'm just here reception's bad but also like he must he's obviously had completely fake profile photos up

do these people think is gonna happen you would be surprised this was not the first one like I received another one where the girl had gone to the bar and she was meeting this really hot african-american guy you know six foot five and then rocked up and it was a tiny little redhead guy and he was like hey i'm sorry i catfish you but i know you wouldn't have swiped right on me but i'm hoping my personality might shine through what is wrong with people what no okay if you this is my thing too if you're gonna catfish i'm not condoning it but i'm just trying to get on this wavelength i'll break it down britney if you are gonna catfish wouldn't you try to catfish with someone that was just like a remotely better version of you like keep it on the same wavelength

if you're a short redhead why would you put a six foot five black guy if you're a short white man with red hair why put a six foot five black man as your catfish like you couldn't be more polar opposite at least maybe keep it within the same ethnicity and also within the same hair coloring 100% maybe just change the height a little bit when I got that that story through from this listener I was like why didn't you just get up and leave like I'm sorry but no good relationship has come from a basis of lying like I don't think that that's a really great foundation to start from can I just ask you something on that if you went there to a date because I this hasn't actually happened to me but if you went there and it was a blatant catfish and he's like but please I'm

really nice would you leave 100% yeah I would too I think it's it's too uncomfortable it's also like very suspicious and like I would question how much of the rest of the conversation we've had was untrue. So I don't care. Like I'm not basing this on what you look like. I'm not saying that this is because I find you unattractive, but if you have lied to me about that so casually, then I would think that you are very casual about lying about other aspects of your life. So I would be sitting there going, I don't know what's real and not real anymore. This is not the foundation of what I want from a relationship. See you later, pal. Like I'm not that invested in someone I don't know. All right. Give me another one. Okay. So I met this guy on Bumble and we had such good

chemistry heaps of banter we went on a date and he picked me up and we went for far is it far or faux it's actually far far okay this is very controversial guys if you say faux or if you say far i'm pretty sure it's far but 90 people say faux and i still say faux but i'm only saying far because i don't want people to correct me i just say can i get number four so they went to have some really spicy asian soup now i'm one of those people who love spicy food i mean the spicier the better so here I am dishing a ton of chili onto my soup the guy that I'm there with pretends that he also likes the heat too so he's having at least double the amount that I'm having I think he's trying to impress me by how much he likes chili beads of sweat are all over his face and

after dinner he suggests that we go for a walk just around the river it's a lovely view all of a sudden he is desperate for the toilet and he disappears in chili shits he disappears into a restaurant for a whole hour when he gets back he told me he actually shit his pants and wanted to and couldn't proceed on the walk obviously I suggested that we go home he was driving so I had to sit in the car his window was broken it didn't go down on the passenger side I can still remember the smell to this day and it was over a year ago not my I'm my heart is actually breaking for him would you give him another chance do you know what you would I would I was like do you know what because only because I have been in that position before where you could have given me

a million dollars not to poo and I couldn't have done it like sometimes in life there's going to be a moment where you need to poo and it doesn't change who you are as a person it just maybe changes your diet in the future no more chili for you man why is this a thing like I've seen this with other people my mom and my stepdad do it as well so they they love chili both of them but they have like chili almost like they have this like unspoken chili competition as to who can eat the hottest foods and they're like well i like chili more than you like chili and they buy some like ridiculous 50 most expensive most hottest chili in the world sauce to put on all their food they'll put it on fucking pancakes and you're like what are you who are you trying to prove this to

it doesn't taste good it's like a dick competition i think with guys also it's like who can eat the most chili like you're a man but also i think where this man went wrong surprisingly it wasn't poo in his pants where he went wrong was not just ordering her an uber and paying for an uber it was making her sit in his car when his window didn't work with the shit in there paid for the girl's uber think that where he went wrong was just not being authentic and saying i don't like chili i think that that could have all been sold right there at the very beginning would you have given him another chance oh yeah probably okay this girl's name is nadia his opening line on bumble Hey, Naya, don't worry about the D.

You'll get that later. She goes, thanks, but no thanks. One guy asked me if I wanted to go to the beach and play Shark Attack. I asked, wait, what's Shark Attack? And he said, you scream while I eat you out. My name is Amanda. The first line in the message. What's better than eating a mandarin?

eating amanda out oh these are awful but you know what surely these people don't actually think these lines are going to work i think these guys are not invested and i think they think it's funny to just do a throwaway and like if it works great if it doesn't and they're getting their own entertainment out of it i totally agree okay i have one more story to throw into the mix this guy i matched on bumble kept talking about his two cats all night long we had a pretty great date. However, he told me stories about all the funny things his cats did and how they always sit next to his bed at nighttime when he woke up, et cetera. He talked about his cats a lot. Towards the end of the date, he then asked me if I wanted to see pictures of his cats. I was like, all right,

pal. I mean, I like cats, but he was really into them. He took some printed pictures out of his bag and it turns out the cats were dead and they were taxidermy. So in my mind, I went over all the things he'd been telling me in the last two hours about his cats and it all got very very fucking creepy was she in his house run girl run they were at a restaurant like but this is the funny thing is is this wasn't the only story that i received from people who had either had a cat that passed away and was pretending that their cat was still alive because they thought that chicks like guys with cats sweet just buy a new cat yeah get a cat get a cat leave the photos at home okay I know that we're supposed to wrap it up but I have another one

I could go on for ages this girl I'm not I'm just telling this story this girl invited this no this girl went over to this guy's house for dinner first date he's like come grab some pizza brilliant she comes over they they start to eat their pizza she's like within an hour you know what wasn't vibing it knew it wasn't going anywhere so she wrapped up and she was like I'm gonna head home headed home got a message from him as soon as she got in the door that said hey charging you two dollars per piece of pizza this is my bank details please transfer no yeah she's like i had three pieces real yeah i reckon they are she had three pieces of pizza and she he asked for six dollars to be transferred into his account did she do it

okay i've got one more and then we're gonna call it at this all right so i recently downloaded bumble and thought i'm gonna try dating multiple guys so i don't get overly attached i had a first date lined up with a guy on a Friday night and it was drinks, drinks and tapas. And then I had another date lined up with another guy on the Saturday night, a chill sunset picnic. The Friday date went way better than I ever expected. And I ended up back at his place. We spent the night there and we had mind blowing marathon sex. I left his place the next morning, went into work for a bit and then got ready for my second date. Admittedly, not really feeling like going on a second date with the new guy because i couldn't stop thinking about the first guy anyway the

picnic was lovely the guy was fine we ended up packing up and heading to a bar for a drink afterwards where we were there for a couple of hours chatting when his friends rocked up what do you think happened brit oh what what would happen to me is i would turn up and my date i reckon her date from the friday night was like his roommate or his best friend or someone there in that group 100 so a group of his friends rocked up and it was the guy from the friday night marathon sex guy turned up to her date however this actual story has a very very happy ending so obviously she wasn't vibing with saturday night guy she was really transparent and said explained what had happened and then had to have like an awkward conversation with them both

but she's still now dating friday night guy yes she is queen having marathon sex so look that's a win all around well the thing with that is to no one that's a very unfortunate situation but no one's actually in the wrong it's just like it's just unfortunate that she went on two dates in a weekend that happened to be with best friends and I think the most people who are online dating can rationalize the fact that most people that they've gone on one date with are still open to meeting other people they're still dating you know nobody locks down a date or locks down like a commitment after one day I think that very few people would kind of go down that path yeah absolutely get it girl get it I'm gonna I'm gonna call it this has been one of my favorite

segments that we've done and we have so many more coming in we literally had hundreds that I reckon we just whack some up on the Facebook group we'll put some of the more hilarious and inappropriate ones up on the Facebook group which is life uncut podcast if you're not already following but also we just want to say thank you again to Bumble for having a wicked sense of humor and allowing us to share some of the funniest online dating stories that you guys share with us. There has been so many that have come through. But the one thing that I think is so amazing from a lot of these stories is that no matter how ridiculous some of these stories may seem, so many of them have actually ended up in legitimate relationships.

So guys, for today's episode, we really wanted to have a conversation around jealousy. And when we started talking about this. I was so surprised that we have managed to get through a year and a half of recordings and never done a full episode on jealousy and jealousy in relationships, jealousy in friendship groups, the whole spectrum of what jealousy is, because quite seriously, it's probably one of the most common negative emotions that we feel in relationships. And, you know, even if you don't think that you're a jealous person at all, I'm sure that there has been times in your relationships or times in your friendships where that, you know, green demon has raised its head a little bit and we it's something we all deal with it's a very very common feeling

but for some people jealousy can be something that becomes overwhelming and obsessive in their relationships and it can really damage and break down our self-confidence our self-worth and become a wedge in our relationships as well so we wanted to talk about this it's also something that's come up quite a lot recently in the Facebook group and we've had a few questions surrounding it and we're going to break down the different types of what jealousy is and how people can experience it and what triggers it. And we're also going to talk about some coping mechanisms. And we then want to dive into a very specific type of jealousy, which is called retroactive or retrospective jealousy. And retroactive jealousy is basically when you are in a relationship with your partner

now and you feel jealousy about their ex and become obsessive or jealous about the relationships that they've had in the past. So we're going to fully unpack that because I think that that's a very interesting and specific kind of jealousy that I know I have personally felt before. and I will tell you all my deep, dark secrets, guys. But before we get into it, I just want to quickly give you a bit of a definition around what jealousy is. And that's because, I mean, obviously we all know what it is, we've all felt it, but I think that there is also often a misconception that jealousy and envy are the same things. So envy is something very different to jealousy. Envy is when you are envious of something that somebody else has. Maybe they have

a amazing relationship or that you perceive them to have an amazing relationship and you're envious that you don't have that, maybe they seem really successful to you and you're envious that you're not as successful as them. That is not the same as jealousy. Jealousy is actually a really preemptive emotion and jealousy is something that you feel when you already have something. So it's a protective emotion. So if you're already in that relationship, but you feel threatened by an external source, i.e. you think that girl is trying to take your man, that is when you can feel jealousy. So you have to already have something in your life to feel jealous about losing. And they say it's a preemptive emotion because it's us trying to protect ourselves from

the loss, from feeling hurt, from feeling pain, from feeling trauma, if our partner was to do something to abandon us. That's where jealousy comes from. Yeah. Envy is often associated more with monetary things and superficial values like you're envious of someone's car or someone's house it's not usually tied into romance as such that is like Laura said that is when you become jealous because you're scared of actually losing that you don't you're not scared of losing your car you know you're not scared of losing this these monetary things that is why they say jealousy and being envious of something are very different and you need to work out the difference and I think jealousy is something that no one wants to ever admit that they are we also

we almost deem it as a negative characteristic that we have like I'm not a jealous person no way I'm not being jealous I don't care when it doesn't always have to be and that's something we're going to get into as well sometimes it can be a positive in a relationship but I can guarantee you if you start to think about your past relationships all of us have had a moment of jealousy especially especially in romantic relationships obviously there's jealousy that rears its ugly head in the workplace and in friendship groups and in every other aspect of your life but almost everyone has experienced some type of jealousy in a relationship and Laura no one more so than you. Do you know what though like okay I'm I will straight up put my hand up

and say that I have definitely been really jealous in past relationships and I now realize like now that I'm in a really healthy secure relationship where I don't feel jealous I understand what triggers that in me and I think that that's something like to be really cognizant of and I listened to loads of podcasts and I read loads of articles before we did this recording and the reason why was because I wanted to really get my head around like you know why it is that we feel this way and why is it that I felt jealous in one relationship and not in another some of the other articles and podcasts I listened to they they really kind of drove the point the point home that being jealous is your shit and it's something that you need to work through like it's your

problem it's not your partner's problem I don't necessarily believe that okay I think that you can be in relationships that insanely inflame your jealousy and their relationships then aren't built on trust their relationships that are very toxic or they're fragile or they're volatile and I mean for me I can I'll just talk about my own personal experience for a little bit if you give me the microphone that's actually that was the question that I asked you and then you just went on I was like wow is she gonna tell me her jealousy story or so I have a few but I mean like you guys know and I've spoken about it really openly that I've definitely been in a few toxic relationships that were kind of back to back there for a little while um one of them which was the

worst and I've spoken about it quite a few times where there was a lot of gaslighting in the relationship there was a lot of him he would physically and visibly flirt with other girls in front of me he never really made our relationship public he never spoke about our relationship on social media he never really made it known to other people that we were together even though we were together for about two years and that in itself made me really insecure and it made me really question my worth in the relationship every time he had contact or he became friends with a girl or somebody started following him who I didn't know who was outside of our you know like I was like, who the fuck is this new girl following you on social media? And it made me

really insane. But the reason why I felt insane in that relationship was because bottom line, I didn't trust him. Bottom line, I shouldn't have trusted him because he was cheating on me and was doing the wrong thing. And so the jealousy that I felt was completely warranted. However, the way I expressed my jealousy was completely incorrectly. So I would get jealous and then I would be angry at the girl. I would be angry at whoever it was that he was showing affection to instead of realizing that actually this these actions and these behaviors were him and he was the problem and having enough self-confidence and respect for myself to actually leave the relationship I kept on trying to fix it or fix him or fix our problems

when really I was jealous there was a reason that my body was telling me to feel that way and I really should have just had more respect for myself and left fair i i was trying to think back to like my past relationships when i was thinking have i been jealous what were my situations and i've got like one main one that's serious and i've got one that's fucking funny i was in my first relationship as you guys know for eight years no jealousy never experienced it never because i never felt insecure i never felt like he was gonna leave me for someone else i never felt like i wasn't good enough for him it was just a healthy secure relationship so i i didn't know what jealousy was because i had i had been with him since i was 16

My next relationship was with a sociopath who I was trying to pinpoint if it was jealousy that I was feeling, but I actually don't think it was because I didn't have any outlet in that relationship to feel jealous. For example, I felt two years of insecurity and not feeling good enough and wondering where he was and trust issues, but there wasn't a chance to be jealous because I didn't know anyone in his life. He didn't have social media, Facebook, Instagram, nothing um I wasn't ever around him and his friends we weren't we barely went in public together we're always just on like little weekends away or like I just want you to myself like let's go to this hotel and all this stuff so when I'm thinking back I'm like wow I actually wasn't

jealous because there was no one or nothing to be jealous of the only thing I'd be jealous of was that maybe he was spending too much time at work with his friends and I was jealous of his colleagues because they were spending more time with him than me but that's it so like I didn't get it then then I met this guy and I just loved him it was like love at first sight spent just one weekend with him I've spoken to you guys about it before I just I met him online and he moved back overseas and we are to this day probably it's been like six years and we are still really really close friends but in the early days um we still started to talk every day and he went back we were never going to be together he lives overseas in America but we still talking every day and then he was

telling me you know I'm seeing this new girl and I'm like I'm really happy for you like because I can't have you I want you to be happy great but of course I was like who the fuck is she you're like I'm gonna find her on social media and stalk the shit out of her yeah I'm like who is this girl and like why who is she is she good enough for you like what is it about her that you know why won't you move back to Australia for me like you know all these crazy things um so I found her on Facebook and I was just stalking her page and I was just trying to go through whatever I love crazy Britney this is the only time I've done it and it's not even crazy I wasn't ever gonna do anything I just wanted to see what she looked like and then that was it got out of her

page then I get a message a couple of hours later why have you befriended Bray on Facebook and I was like I feel sick and I was like what they're like have you been looking up my relationship and I was like what are you talking about no I was like I don't even know what her name is she's and he sent me a screenshot he's like you've literally there's a friend request from you this is why you don't stalk because you're so bad at it I'm so bad never leave a trail anyway I just owned it and I was like okay look I was interested in what she looked like I was like obviously my fat finger has pressed friend requests I was like I wasn't doing anything wrong he laughed but he's like he's like now it's caused a problem because she's like who's this girl because we're the only mutual

friend and now I've had to tell you and I'm like well sorry like obviously like low-key meant to but I was like sorry anyway that's the only time I've experienced jealousy and I can't experience it anymore because it just doesn't work out for me I I guess when I look back on like my relationship with I can't the man who will never be named um Voldemort yeah literally the the human equivalent of Voldemort like I remember this one time as well well where we were out at a nightclub and we were at Casablanca's guys the good old days and there was this girl who was very very very flirty with him and he was like a tall very attractive man and she was very flirty with him And he knew that she was there.

Like it was very obvious that she was trying to, you know, show that she was present and that she was interested in him. And he was doing his best to appear to be single. Like he was not, he didn't put his arm around me. He didn't reassure me. He didn't do any of those things. A lot of peacocking going around. Oh my God.

His dick was fucking flailing in the wind. Normal double bay on a Saturday night. So I said to him, I was like, look, I'm feeling a little bit insecure. like I feel like you're very obviously flirting with this girl and and like I would like you to stop like maybe make me feel maybe make me feel like we're the ones who are here together because we are I turn around and two seconds later he's dancing with her like she's dry humping his leg in front of me and I was like what are you actually doing like what the is going on here well I'm just thinking what are you actually doing and he yeah I know why didn't I leave right crazy

And then he turned that around on me and was like, you're crazy. You know, you you're, you're so insecure. You're the one that has problems. And like going back to this, like, yes, I was insecure and I did have problems in that relationship a hundred percent, but those problems were founded because of his behavior. And, and like, we've talked about narcissistic personality disorder. We've talked about gaslighting on this podcast before. I really think that like, if you're behaving in a way, that's not the way that you normally behave in relationships. Like if you're in a relationship that's making you feel crazy, crazy jealous to the point where you're blinded by it, you really need to break down and look at the source of where it's

coming from, because it may not be that you are crazy. It may be that your relationship is really insecure and it's really toxic and you need to have some confidence and make some changes to your life. And I think that, you know, when you break it down, when you're feeling jealous in a relationship like so much of that comes from a lack of self-confidence and a lack of feeling worthy and being scared that maybe your partner is going to find someone better or find someone funnier or find someone who they click with more than they click with you and it's that fear that maybe they might leave you which is what really sparks that feeling of like oh who are you texting what are you doing there are cases and like we all know that there are cases where where both women

and men can fabricate and manifest things that aren't actually there as well. So obviously when I speak about my experience, it's an isolated case where the jealousy was warranted. However, there are cases where, you know, maybe your new boyfriend is friends with girls, right? Maybe he's got several girlfriends who he's quite close with and he chats to, and that in and of itself makes you feel jealous and insecure. Those feelings aren't necessarily warranted. Like if he's not doing anything wrong, then, then that's when you have to really think about the fact that maybe this feeling of jealousy is coming from you and that you're the one who's creating this and you're the one that's manifesting this. One of the ways to try and bridge that divide and kind of break

down what seems like this mystery relationship that him and his friend has is you need to get to know the friend. You need to like be included in all aspects of their life, you know? And if your boyfriend is really great friends with some hot chicks, like if he's trying to include you in that friendship and bring you out you know when they all go hang out and like introduce you and you are able to create a bond and create a friendship with them as well then by just like bridging that divide a little bit that's what's going to help you break down those feelings of jealousy and realize like oh what you have perceived in your mind to be this great big threat actually they're just a normal person who they are legitimately friends with yeah the number one thing to do

is just to figure out what you're jealous about why you're jealous where does this jealousy stem from? Is it warranted or not? Is this coming because he's making you feel jealous? Is this coming because you had a really bad, horrific relationship in the past? Is it coming because you don't trust him? Is it coming because you don't trust yourself? Where is it stemming from? Because you need to be hyper aware that if it's not warranted, you need to do something about that. You need to take full responsibility for that because if there's nothing that your partner is doing to actually make you jealous and you're still jealous, that is something you need to deal with straight away or it is your relationship will end because your partner is going to come

to a point where they're saying you've got to let me live my life I love you and I have done nothing wrong and you constantly make me feel bad having said that if your partner is doing the wrong thing and you are feeling like you can't trust him then you're feeling like you can't trust him for a reason usually where there's smoke there's fire and that is something that you also need to deal with you need to figure out okay no I actually don't feel secure in this relationship and I don't like that you're talking to this girl without me there I don't like that you're meeting up with your female work colleague without me. And then you have an open conversation with your partner and you deal with it. If he doesn't want to meet you halfway and he doesn't

want to accept that you're feeling this way and you're feeling vulnerable, then that's a whole nother ball game. And that's something you're going to have to address together. And you're going to have to decide if you actually want to stay in a relationship where you feel isn't nurturing what you need and there's no mutual respect. So there's so many aspects to it, but the first step is figuring out where your jealousy is coming from and why you're feeling it. If you're in a normal, secure and happy relationship and you were to express your feelings to your partner and say, look, you know, I'm feeling really jealous because of your relationship that you have with X person, or because of the way that your coworker messages

you at 10 o'clock at night, whatever it is, if you express to your partner, why you're feeling jealous, like somebody who loves you and somebody who supports you and somebody who's not doing anything wrong will want to reassure you and they will also like try and understand why you feel the way you feel and they will make steps or try and do things to to kind of ease that anxiety that you have around it and you they will respect that conversation I really genuinely think that but if somebody is doing the wrong or they are defensive or they try and gaslight you and say like well you're crazy you're making this up there's not really any room for conversation there there's not really any room for your feelings to be validated even if your feelings

are wrong, even if they haven't done anything wrong at all. Like my, one of my best friends is a guy. So if Matt came to me and said, Hey Laura, I'm feeling a little bit insecure about your relationship with Todd. Can we have a chat about it? I would be like, Holy shit. I'm so sorry that you feel like that. Uh, like obviously Todd and I have been friends for 10 years. Nothing is going on there. Nothing would ever go on there. I would hope that you would know that, but why don't we all go for dinner? Why don't we go and have drinks? Like I'm not going to cut him out of my life. I'm not going to stop talking to him, but I would make sure that Matt felt secure enough and understood that that friendship, as much as it's so important to me, I'm not going

to jeopardize my relationship because of my friendship. Yeah. You just, but what you're doing is compromise and meeting Matt halfway. Totally. That's what you need to do. Now I have a question for you. Oh, you were about to say something. Well, I was going to say, it's actually like when you have a, when you have a person of the opposite sex as a best friend, it always triggers some conversation like I have like you know this guy and I we've been friends for a really long time nothing sexual has ever happened we are only and have always been friends but every single guy I've dated in that last 10 years has made the comment of like oh well I'm sure that if you tried it on he would go for it you know I'm sure that if you were open to it I would be accepting of it

and I'm like no actually we have a legitimate friendship where we have traveled overseas together we have gotten drunk together we've stayed in the same hotel together nothing has ever happened nothing would ever happen because we are so like brother and sister and platonic in that way so I do think that there is that little element of jealousy where you know even for a partner to say oh well I'm sure if I'm sure if the circumstances were different something would come out of it so there is that little tiny questioning and doubt but as the person as me who has that relationship it's my responsibility to make sure that my partner doesn't feel jealous of that friendship that's really important to me absolutely and most of my friends I have so many

male friends I always have since I was a kid I always had more male friends than female friends I was such a tomboy I did all the boy sports and I just feel like I get along with them better they get me better um and I know that that will one day become an issue even with some people I've dated I have a photo of me my best friend in my room that he gave me it's us at the beach together look I'm like sure we probably almost look like a couple but it's because we've been best friends for so long nothing has ever happened and he was a bit like oh like what's what's this photo for like and he was feeling insecure and I was like oh it's my best friend literally best friends for ages explained it tried to make him feel okay about it but I could see within him he was a bit

like sure nothing's happened yeah and but that was just early days and it's going to be an issue for me one day for sure I feel like people are going to question it but I will never ever stop a friendship with someone that I have been long-term friends with because my partner is jealous what I will do is like you said and just try and bridge the gap make them friends make us all friends make it realize that there's no threat my question to you is what would bother you more or what do you feel like you would be more jealous of physical intimacy like your partner cheating on you or your partner cheating with like emotional intimacy so emotional cheating or physical I know and I'm putting it only because I have read a study on it and I found it interesting. So I

want to know what your thoughts are. I think that they both fucking suck. I think as someone who's been cheated on in my past relationships, I find it really, really hard to overcome. And I think that the physical cheating for me unfolds the emotional cheating. So it's like they go hand in hand. So I can't say one of them is worse than the other. I think emotional cheating is horrendous because it really starts to degrade and disintegrate your relationship because you think, well, we have this special connection but now you have a special connection with someone else.

However, physical cheating for me, I start to second guess everything. I then question where they are when they say they're somewhere. I then feel, so for me, I can't pick one. They're both fucking stuck. Yeah, so for me, mine is, what I think is worse is emotional cheating, 100%.

And I know like a lot of people are gonna disagree with me. That's also fine. like it seems from your explanation Laura that like the physical thing is what stabs you in the heart more the emotional thing for me is what stabs me in the heart more yeah like the physical thing I know the thing the thing is the emotional thing gets me like and absolutely destroying but like the physical thing for me it erodes the relationship like I think I can get over it but I don't think I ever actually fully forgive or fully rebuild trust so every time I have been cheated on in a relationship I've always tried to make it work but in the end I feel like you know

months down the track or years down the track, I've never fully gotten over it. And I always hold some resentment. And I think if you've, if you've gone through cheating in your relationship and you're trying to work through it, you have to get to a point eventually where you don't hold animosity to it and you don't hold resentment because it just erodes your relationship. Well, so there was a study published in the evolutionary psychology in a 2004 journal that when asked about sexual versus emotional infidelity respondents of both sexes reported they were more jealous about their partner's emotional infidelity now this for me I was like 100 so my my sociopath ex literally fucked like hundreds of girls like it was like always having

and I found that out later but he was always having these sexual relationships with people that were that meant nothing to him but he was just doing it because he needed it then I found out he had this other relationship with someone for six years that was emotional and I've read the messages of him saying I love you so much I'm starting this life with you and the bit that bothered me was reading his emotional connection to her not how I couldn't even I didn't even it didn't even register on my radar that he had sex with all these people because I was like oh my god you were so in love and obsessed and had this emotional connection with someone else and that's that's 100% what I was more jealous of than the physical thing and I found that really weird

because I was like why aren't you caring about all the people even my sister was like why aren't you caring about the people he's slept with and I'm like I care about them for sure but in my mind I'm like oh you had sex with someone you never thought about it again it was a physical thing you wouldn't even pick her out of a lineup but you were invested in this person and like you were planning a life with them and you know you literally loved them so I think personally in a relationship and obviously this study agrees that that is more powerful and I think that's where things really do start to unwind is when you've seen that someone else their heart is with someone else as well. I think that's where it really drives home. This kind of leads us into this

conversation about retrospective jealousy. So I mentioned what it is. It's when, and like I have felt this guys, it's when you're jealous, you're in a happy relationship, you're in a healthy relationship, but you're jealous of your partner's ex. And like, you can become obsessed with your partner's ex. This idea comes from, from like the fantasy that maybe they love, they love them more, or maybe there was something there that's unfinished or maybe, you know, they talked about how, you know, that was the person who, the only other person that they've loved in their life and they thought they were going to get married, but for whatever reason, it didn't work out.

And so you become obsessed with this thought that like, well, maybe I'm not as good as them. Maybe if circumstances were different, he would still be with them. And so like, you can really go down a pretty bad rabbit hole with retrospective jealousy. Have you ever experienced this? like have you ever like had a boyfriend and been like feelings or like wanting to check up his ex or look at his ex on social media and then being like fuck she's really pretty and then being like well maybe I'm not as pretty as her and then going down that rabbit hole like have you ever done this

I feel like this is so common I mean I'm hoping this is so common no I think it's actually complete I don't think this comes into a jealousy thing this category for like normal relationships I think it's super normal when you meet someone dating someone early stages to have an interest like okay who were you in love with before like who was it that took your fancy for all those years what did she look like why what's so good about her I think it's normal to just like want to see what she looks like and check her out but I don't do it anymore because I did it once I've seen this guy I really liked in London he was incredible I looked up I didn't and I mean I thought he was wonderful I didn't know a lot about him it was three months we were just chilling

I looked up his after three months I looked up his ex and she was like I'm not kidding she was from Malibu. She was like a supermodel. She was actually quite famous. This is not helping my insecurities. She was actually quite famous. And then as soon as I looked at her, the relationship was fine. I was like, well, fuck. Well, he's never going to like me, is he? When really he did like me because we were seeing each other. But then I got in my own head. I got insecure because she was beautiful and stunning. And they were together for three years and I ruined the relationship. So I actually am proactive about trying not to look at people's past anymore. It's really funny, isn't it because it's one of those things that's like a total catch-22 because when you start

dating someone you want to feel like you know them and you're connected to them and like that you know every single thing about them so you ask lots of questions I mean I know I do like I ask lots of questions about their exes I ask lots of questions about their relationships because I want to I want to understand what has made them the person that they are but then when I find out that they have had these like strong connections or relationships or like you know these feelings in the past then there's a little part of me that's like oh is mine as good is what we have as good is there a reason why you're not with her anymore like did she break up with you and then leave you heartbroken and are you over it or there's just this little bit of nigglingness

that happens and for me like I know now that that's that's an insecurity of mine like you know and we always say like comparison is the thief of joy there is like me comparing myself and thinking maybe I'm not good enough or maybe they're they're dating down now that they're dating me. So when Matt and I started dating, I was about to say, did you look at Matt's exes? So, well, I think like the really important thing is keeping in perspective, this whole idea of bridging the divide that I kind of mentioned earlier, when you don't know someone and you, like you can fantasize that they're much better and much more interesting and much more beautiful or amazing than what they necessarily are. And not that they, not that they're not like,

I take that back. Sorry. You fantasize that they're almost unhuman because you don't, you haven't met them. Like, right. You haven't seen them in real life. You haven't had a human conversation with a normal person. So when we were going through the show and like the show was on TV and everything, and like, obviously Matt and I were together, but like, no one knew we were together. There was always articles that were coming out about who Matt had dated in the past. And like, these are Matt's exes. And so I know that Matt has had two significant relationships and he's been very much in love in one relationship and it didn't work out. Obviously. I saw these photos in a daily mail article where it was like here are Matt's two exes and they're

both beautiful and they're both like I looked at them and I was like holy wow okay they are really really hot and why is he dating me and also because you know people would then comment and I guess my relationship being so public there was a lot of external conversation around like oh well you know as if he's going to be dating Laura now like I would read comments like that and that really cemented my insecurity. So anyway, fast forward to when the show's over, we're actually together. So weirdly, I have now met both of Matt's exes. Like one of them I met at a party because he's really great friends with her brother. And the other one, I actually went to her wedding and was invited to her wedding. And neither of them now do I feel insecure about for

any reason or anything. But for a little while there, I really felt jealous that maybe what he had before our relationship was better than what he had now. And I really like second guess myself and felt like I would compare and I would kind of like look at Instagram and I would like, you know, look at social media and stuff. And, and also because like one of them has a very big public profile. I just felt like I wasn't good enough. That's where it came from. And I know that this is my total insecurity. It was nothing that Matt ever did. Matt never, ever, I mean, they're not in contact. Matt never really kind of played into it. He, he would tell me things because I would ask questions but then it was like me shooting myself in the foot because I'd ask a question

and then it would make me upset the answer so then that would kind of put me down the rabbit hole a little bit more but there was definitely a time there where I was like a bit jealous of his exes which is weird it's a weird thing but I think that so many women go through this and and it's this comparison and it's a lack of self-confidence and I think a lot of jealousy stems from a lack of self-confidence I mean look just not going to help the fact but I have seen Matt's ex isn't they how beautiful but I've also seen you and you are beautiful and this is what it comes down to right you are sitting next to Matt you are in a relationship with Matt you're with your partner and you're jealous of someone that he used to be with that didn't work out for

whatever reason they didn't choose each other and this is what I think people need to realize if you're experiencing this if you are experiencing this and you are experiencing these like awful jealous feelings of your partner's ex you have to stop and think about who is sitting next to him right now who he has chosen and why he's chosen you obviously it doesn't matter how beautiful they are and I could have told myself this years ago just because their ex is a super model that's rich and beautiful and it's on the front cover of sports illustrator magazine but like exactly I I've ruined that relationship because I couldn't accept that he chose me I was like well then he's not going to choose me like no he did he chose me and I ruined the whole

thing so I think you guys have to really think well I'm the person here like Matt chose you so I hope now oh my god you don't experience any yeah because they're fucking hot no I don't yeah thanks I don't at all and not even an inkling of it now but what I'm trying to get at is like it is a common feeling and this comparison that we can draw at the beginning of a relationship is something that I think a lot of women and men do you know when you start dating someone you, you look up their exes and then it can be easy to think and to kind of like immortalize their ex to being something that's greater than what it really is or immortalize that relationship. And, and I genuinely think, and this is like my, my biggest kind of point to take from this whole

thing is like, if you have self-confidence in yourself, if you believe in what you bring to a relationship, if you like show up to that relationship and you're like, no, I am worthy of this like I I love you you love me I am a great catch and we are equals then that feeling of jealousy will subside I think it's when there is an imbalance in your brain and when you're thinking that somebody is better than you and you're saying like oh I'm not good enough for this and it's this it's feeling of insecurity and this feeling of not being good enough which is where that jealousy comes from everybody is entitled to have a past every single person has a history and you know what we're 34 of course we're both we have both been in love before we've

both had significant relationships we have both had times in our life where we thought fuck maybe I'm going to marry this person and then we didn't and now we're together everybody is entitled to have their past and if you hold that against your partner if you punish them or you make yourself crazy about it then the only person who's going to suffer in this relationship is you and the only thing that's going to suffer is your relationship so let's run through some signs of retroactive jealousy if you're stalking their instagram 54 times a day I'm pretty sure you've got retroactive jealousy yeah got it um no if you ask your partner a lot of questions about their past constantly not just when you get together but throughout your relationship one year in two

years in you're constantly wanting to know about people in their past that's a sign replaying the same jealous thoughts as almost like a mental movie going through your head so it's all of a sudden all you think about it's all consuming that's also a sign find yourself trolling yep we know don't stalk someone if you're stalking them constantly you're jealous also make sure that you don't hit friend request. Don't hit the friend request, guys. If you're going to stalk them, be careful. Put your little fat fingers away. All right. So you figured out you're a jealous little fucker. What do you do now? There are a few steps. First, literally accept and validate your feelings. Jealousy is normal. It's a normal feeling, but you just need

to figure out, is it you? Is it because you don't feel good enough? Is it them? Where are these feelings coming from? Once you literally accept that the feelings there, you've broken down what you have the tools to start to go down the path of fixing it. And I think like the next thing as well is like having really open channels of communication with your partner explaining that you feel the way that you feel even if even if the way that you feel isn't rational having a conversation with your partner and saying I know that you've done nothing wrong I know that this is completely unwarranted but I feel like this at least then you're kind of offloading that a little bit and you're allowing your partner to understand why maybe you've been acting in a way

or lashing out at him or doing things that is not how you would normally behave and hopefully if they are respectful and loving towards you they will try and and like ease your insecurities they will try and help you as much as this is on you to figure out yourself like they will do what they can to help you get to a place where you feel less jealous resist the urge to dig and pry into your partner's past it's so normal just to want to have a look at what they look like that's fine but don't start going into that person's life what do they do on the weekends don't start reading their messages don't start looking at tagged photos of them nothing good can come of that nothing good is going to come from living in a past well the past in general but a past that's not even yours

it's like why would you live in that situation so you need to resist the urge to go and do that really try to be present in your relationship in that moment and deal with the here and the now so that's a huge huge one don't go trolling because it's a bloody deep dark web and you will end up in like 1973 on their grandma's page and you can't do that but also you you will end up finding things that maybe you think they're suspicious and they may have a completely innocent answer to them but because you're already of the mindset that they're doing something wrong or that you're feeling jealous it'll spiral those thoughts even more so like just don't put yourself into a situation where you are fueling that energy and you're fueling the flame that you know and

you're making up stories that aren't necessarily even true. Now the communication is a big one and I am going to tell you something like a way that a psychologist a relationship psychologist she gave an example on how you can approach the situation because there's one thing to say be open and communicate which is important but there are also so many levels of communication you can't go in 100 miles an hour crazy accusing your partner of all these things and asking all these things putting stress and pressure on them or it will implode but she gives an example of saying approach it respectfully by using statements that have I in them so focusing on your feelings instead of things that they have done for example you could say sometimes I feel worried that you'll move on

from me because I believe you could date anyone you wanted instead of saying you make me feel like this because you don't give me enough attention that if you word it that way by putting it them and using the words you you you they're going to feel attacked and they're going to get on the defensive but so you i i don't i feel like this because i feel like you could do anything you want i feel like you're so amazing that i worry someone else will scoop you up yes i i'm all for being honest having open channels of communication but i kind of think i don't want my partner to talk to me in a way where they're like you're so great and i'm insecure because i don't feel good enough as much as like yes i want to reassure them but i would get pretty fucking

tired of that narrative eventually because i want a partner who who knows that they're my equal who feels like they're my equal. So I think that that's like almost a dangerous place to stay in. If you're constantly saying you're so great and I'm not good enough for you, your partner is going to end up believing it at some point. So I think be careful with that conversation. It's okay to have that conversation once or twice, explain why you're feeling insecure, but you are good enough. That's why you're in the relationship. Like you need to believe that. And you, instead of constantly verbalizing that you don't feel good enough, you need to start internalizing that you are fucking good enough and that's really important the idea of this conversation is it is once this

is your conversation at the start where you're like yeah you have it at the start but the idea is you approach it with sensitivity and you say instead of attacking them by saying you you just say i just i feel like this because of this and they give you their explanation and then the idea is you move on it's just supposed to be so it's a sensitive way to approach your partner without making them feel like you're putting everything on them because ultimately in retrospective jealousy you physically cannot go and attack them because they have done nothing wrong they've done this before you physically knew them it becomes exhausting constantly trying to make someone feel better when the way they feel is not rational so like be very careful if you have realized and

you have reduced it down and you know that you're the one that has the issue and it's not necessarily your partner's behavior then you're the one that needs to make changes and you're the one that needs to like really go about some self-development and some, some self-discovery, go and speak to a therapist, go and speak to a counselor, really hash out where this insecurity comes from. Maybe it has to do with your attachment styles, which is a whole other episode that we did a few weeks back, which is so interesting. It talks about like the different ways that you connect and attach to your partner, but maybe there's other reasons in your childhood, in your upbringing, in your past relationships, that's created trauma. That is what fills you with this insecurity and

this jealousy. The other thing to really remember is that every single relationship is going to come with its ups and downs and every relationship is scary and comes with its own risk. It might be successful and it might be forever, but also it might not and it might end. One thing you can guarantee is by constantly bringing up past issues, you're pushing it down the going to end path. So you've got this 50-50 risk, right? I could make this thrive, live now, put all my energy into making it positive and growing, or I could sit here and dwell on a past that I was not a part of, dwell on a past that was before my time and just bring negative energy into the relationship. And I can assure you, you're going to go down the path of breaking up. So you may as

well thrive on the situation, put all that energy and channel into focusing on your here and now and growing into a really healthy, positive direction. And I think that this goes for everything, right? Like if you are realizing that you're in a relationship where you can't get past something and maybe it is your issue, but you can't get past the fact that maybe your partner cheated in past relationships, or you can't get past the fact that your partner is super close to someone and they're not doing anything to try and like appease or ease your, your insecurity around that. If you physically can't get past it, then it's on you to potentially leave that relationship and find a relationship where you do feel more secure in. You can't change your

partner. You can't tell him or her that they cannot speak to someone. You can't control their behavior because as soon as you go down that path, I mean, like I've tried, I definitely in my really toxic past relationship tried to control his behavior. You know, I was, we had rules around like what was like acceptable and not acceptable because of him cheating and me trying to control that outcome and stop it from happening again. And all I can say is like, you can lay all the rules down. You can try as hard as you can to try and make somebody behave the way you want them to behave. Unless they fucking want to do that, they're never going to. So just be really conscious that if there's something happening in your relationship that you cannot get past and you

know it's not going to get better for your own mental health, then maybe that's the point where you have to go, okay, this isn't the relationship for me because I don't want to live my life like this. And the last little thing I want to touch on is we've basically spoken this whole time about if you're feeling these feelings if you're in a relationship now listening to this and you know that your partner is experiencing this and this is your partner that's constantly questioning you and worried about your past and he can't sleep with you because he's disgusted by the fact that you ever had a sexual partner which that might sound crazy to you but that happens a lot literally you need to first know that a it's not your fault it's nothing you've done b all you can do in this

situation is offer him or her love compassion support reassurance make them feel like it's okay and that you love them and that they have to seek help with speaking to somebody because if this is a real serious problem for them they will never get past nothing you can ever do is going to help them get past it because you can only tell them so many times that yes I had a relationship before but I don't think about them and I love you there's only so many times before it's going to wear your relationship down they have to seek help there's not really another option they need to go and speak to a professional and like we've just been talking specifically about relationships like as in romantic relationships but like you guys know and like we know like jealousy can rear its

head in so many different ways like I mean I'm sure that most girls out there have been I'm sure that there are plenty of girls out there who've experienced this where maybe you have a best friend and then either you've become close to someone else or they've become close to someone else and you feel jealous of their new friendship like that's another form of jealousy that's super common but I think at the end of the day the one thing that we have to keep note of and be really really cognizant of is like you cannot control other people and the way that they want to live their lives and you can't control the people who they come in contact with the people that they're speaking with everybody is free to act and behave and live their life in whatever way

they want to the only thing you can control is your reaction to someone if that reaction is to feel really jealous and that reaction is a really negative one then that's for you to work on and that's for you to try and sort through that junk because it's going to end up disintegrating that relationship even more all right guys you know that we never finish an episode without our suck and our sweet and that is our highlight and our low light of each and every week brittany what fucking sucked about your life this week so my second sweet is actually super easy this week and I know every week I get here and I'm like, I don't know what it is. My suck is that I went to Port Macquarie on the weekend, which is also going to be my sweet, but I went to Port Macquarie and

I came back and I got back, I drove back late last night and I had a lot of work to do for the podcast overnight. And I woke up this morning, went to come here and my laptop's on like minimal charge, which I never let happen. I'm like, cool, throw it on the charger. I left my charger in port macquarie and which is disaster because this whole podcast is done from the computer and well like my life in general is done and my whole life is on this computer and now i'm two percent from dying and i don't know what i'm gonna do i mean i know what i can do i can go buy one but it's not the point girlfriend you're in the red but also like okay brit knows this about me i'm someone who lives with all of my like my phone my laptop everything is always in the red

so i never go and pick up my charger to put my laptop on charge until i'm like on four percent battery like I really like to push it to the end the nth goal and there has been so many times where it's been like 11 o'clock at night and I've been editing for like the episode to come out the next day I go to plug my laptop in and I'm like my my fucking charger is at work and then I have to drive into Paddington which is like look it's not far but at 11 o'clock at night the last thing you want to do is run around trying to find a charger that should just be in your handbag she also feels the need no matter what time it is to tell me that that's what she's doing so as like 11 39 she's Like I'm fucking going back into work to get the...

Anyway, I have actually never met anyone in my life. Every time I see Laura, every time, it doesn't matter if it's 8 a.m., it doesn't matter if it's midday or if it's 8 p.m. at night, her phone is perpetually... What's it on now? 5%.

Red 5%. Perpetually. I'm like, do you ever charge your phone? I have never seen it at more than 5%. I'm like, how do you live like this? It's probably the thing that makes me the most anxious about you. Yeah, I constantly have a phone

that's run out of battery. Nobody understands it. I also have... I also have 2,000, sorry, not 2,000. I also have 27,900 unread emails. Oh, I get that. I have about 10,000, but like, that's fine. I just put those to the side,

but your constant, I'm about to run out of battery thing does my head in. All right, what was your suite? Well, we know your suite was Port Macquarie. My suite, I went to Port. The weather was absolutely incredible. The beaches were incredible. No one was there.

My whole family was there. We partied, we drank. No one was there. My whole family was there. No, but like the beaches, you can go to the beach there and you can not see someone for a kilometre because there's so many long stretches of beaches there. It's beautiful.

I loved it. I'm regenerated and I'm back. How was your Nana's hangover? She was great. I saw her in the morning for brekkie. She's like, I had the best time last night. And I was like, oh, Nan, not so loud. Maybe it's like the same thing when you get old.

It's like when you're like 18, hangovers don't affect you. And then when you're like 88, hangovers don't affect you. Your liver is already packed up and gone. She was downing the whites too. The whites are the biggest hangover drink. All right, what's your suck? and my suck is very trivial my suck is the fact that i cannot and i have completely relinquished this now i've given up i cannot keep a clean house i spent all day last thursday cleaning

my house from top to bottom it was incredible it could have been from a really shitty ugly vogue magazine shoot that someone would be very disappointed to shoot but still it was clean the house was fucking clean and now honestly i just don't know what happens like i do not i know I know what happens I have a one-year-old but it just two one-year-olds I've let's be real I have one-year-old and then I have a one-year-old that's in the form of a 33 year old man um I just can't keep a clean house and it gets me really down sometimes and today it got me down oh I don't know what to tell you that sucks well I just see all these people on Instagram who have children and their house is immaculate and everything is styled nicely and their kids are dressed nicely

and everything looks perfect. And I know it's not real. It's not real. You know, that behind that camera, you know, that what you're seeing is immaculate behind that camera is like three meter pile of rubbish. They've just pushed it out of the frame. I know. And I know, I know this, like I live this life. Like I know that Instagram is not real, but still it doesn't mean that I don't see it sometimes and go like, Oh, I wish I had my shit together a little bit more. But speaking of having my shit together, my sweet for this week is that I really feel like we've been kicking some massive goals for Tony May. And I was having this wild anxiety around how I was going to be a full-time work. Like how, how was I going to run a company and also be a mom to two

kids? And I was like, this is going to be a very interesting part of life, but I'm starting to feel really good about it. I'm like, I think I'm glad you feel that is my anxiety. I think, I think we're going to be fine. I'm like really, really proud of how things are going with work. And like, we've been kicking some big goals and it makes me feel a lot more settled about the fact that my life is going to be thrown into utter chaos in a few months time. I'm happy for you. Thank you. Continue to take that feeling into the future. Thank you. All right, guys. Well, that is it for us and for another episode. Thank you so much for listening to another ep of Life Uncut. If you have a question for Ask Uncut or you have a hilarious accidentally unfiltered story,

please send them on into either our Facebook group or to our Instagram page, which is Life Uncut Podcast. Also, if you haven't followed the Facebook group and you are watching Bachelorette, then jump on there because we always have a thread running each week and each episode so you can get down and dirty in the comments. And guys, hit subscribe, five stars, and tell your mama and your dada and your nan and your friends and your dog and your cat and tell everyone and share the love because we love love! We'll be right back.