Life Uncut - Should You Break Up With Your Partner?

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

Hey Lifers!Poor Laura has come down with either gastro or food poisoning today so (one of) the boss(es) is away and the mice will play!Producer Keeshia is filling in today.Britt went on a magical holiday to Hamilton Island and met Skippy but also potentially ruined someone's wedding photos.Have you accidentally ruined someone's special day? Have you had a failed proposal? We take a deep dive today on how to know whether you should break up with your partner. A bunch of experts put together a list of signs and we also added a few questions of our own like:-Am I staying in this relationship out of fear of being alone?-Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should have? What kept you there?-How do you distinguish between a rough patch and a fundamental incompatibility in a relationship?-Do you think happiness is a good indicator of the relationship? We spoke about these episodes in this chat: Fix the Sex, Fix the Relationship - Uncut with Ester PerelHow to manage a break up - Uncut with Jillian TureckiThe original list was published here in women's health magazine You can watch us on Youtube Find us on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Keisha, filling in for Laura today. Not for the best reason. It is Monday here in the Life Uncut studios and the rest of the world, funnily enough. But it's a public holiday today. But the hilarious and classic chaos of our team, we didn't realise it was a public holiday until like last Friday. No, we didn't realise, yeah. We don't plan ahead.

So we're like, looks like we're all working on a public holiday, except Laura. So Laura is very, very unwell. She has had what we think is food poisoning for about 12 hours. Could be gastro. Could be gastro. But from what she said, and I saw her this morning, like she FaceTimed me, she sent me photos. she's either gonna get an oscar or she's proper unwell like she's committing she's committing she

hasn't stopped vomiting i think only vomiting i don't know if it's both ends but like for 12 hours yeah i have more details but i don't feel the need to tell you i'm picturing bridesmaids you know that scene where she's like running across the street she's like i'm i'm doing it i'm shooting in the street but then we just had this realization in here the team we were like hang on a minute today's a public holiday is Laura doing one of those classic like she partied too hard she's not even sick and she just wants to call in sick from work even though she's the boss and she is work I think if she was an employee I would be more like that's a possibility but don't you think the gas story is like the number one excuse that people

turn to when they want a day off because you don't really have to prove it you know like no employee is going to be like show me the like show me the proof that you actually have been vomiting and shitting yourself if you could please click the stool sample and drop it off to work put it in an uber delivery i reckon laura would be the kind of person that would like show us same she'd be like no look look look because like i think that's why she sent me photos to but i don't know why she it's almost like she thinks that i think she's faking she sent me photos i can show you she's proper dying i'll show you but she's also wearing and probably not the time to make a joke i don't feel the need to see this no it's not

Pooh. She didn't send me a Pooh photo, but she did send me a photo of herself. And look, oh my God, don't show the camera because she looks terrible. Oh, the poor thing. And I said, at least you're repping Life Uncut. She's got our merch on. She's got her Life Uncut merchandise on. Wearing a white jumper when you're in that state is pretty ballsy.

I mean, I don't even wear white on a regular day because I spill so much on myself, but let alone when there's things coming out of my end. Yeah. Anyway, so Laura is, yeah, she's not on the episode today. We hope she has a speedy recovery and she's back for Thursday. You had quite the glamorous weekend, mate. I was living vicariously through you. I tell you what.

That looks like a dream. Yeah, so Ben and I went to Hamilton Island, which we went to last year. So like we went exactly this time last year and we fell in love. I am not an ambassador for Hamilton Island, but I should be. Like I cannot recommend that place enough. Have you ever been? Yeah, I went when I was like 16 years old. It's such a weird island that is separate from everything else

And it's kind of because you can't really drive cars there. You drive like little golf buggies. And it just feels like it's an out-of-body experience the whole time you're there. It's so beautiful. But I actually do remember I had, and I probably shouldn't be admitting, I mean, fuck it, 10 more than 10 years ago, as Laura would claim, I had a pina colada just before I went on this thing called a sea turtle chase. But the water was so warm and I had a stinger suit on because, you know, it was like a couple

months of the year, you've got to have stinger suits. and I was vomiting in the water but they loved it the group loved it because apparently it brings out more fish yeah Keisha it also brings sharks it's chum are there sharks there yeah oh okay there we did see some sea turtles it was pretty magnificent other than the vomiting we had an amazing weekend but yes I cannot recommend enough if you are genuinely looking for a holiday for like either it's the best family place it's so easy to get around there's only only golf buggies everything's closed everything is made to be easy like i actually said to ben i was like this is the easiest place to holiday it was two and a half hours from sydney i can't believe that we have

a paradise so damn close and we don't go more like anyway irrelevant so we had like a pretty uneventful weekend it was spectacular i saw so many lifers there shout out to one of our lifers that's getting married this weekend so she was at her friend's wedding imagine getting married this weekend and the weekend before you have to go to hamilton i shouldn't say you have to but she was in hamilton island for another lifers wedding and i'm like you're getting married in five days and you're on a vacay like i would be freaking the fuck out anyway so we were going up the top of this hill and it's one of those things i think when you're an australian like we grow up with you know you see whales you see dolphins and stuff all the time but it never gets old like i

always want to stop anyway i feel the same way with kangaroos but i'm even more extreme now that ben's here so every time we see a kangaroo wallaby or something we have to stop i'm like so we're going up the top of this place on the island called one tree hill and it's like where all the magic happens it's where the magic sunsets are it's where people can get married up there there's engagements up there like a lot of stuff happens up there and then there was this is that what it's like a lot of people get proposed to wink in this spot right here ben i don't know Ben, I don't know if you know, but this is apparently an engagement spot. Who knows?

It's so weird, that. It's so crazy. What a coincidence. And there's so many photographers around that would capture a moment. The lighting is divine. It's not like I've thought about it. It's not like I've planned my outfit. Here I am in my white dress every day.

Just in case. No. You got your nails done, didn't you? Always. Keesh, you have to prepare. Look at them. What do the Boy Scouts say? Always very prepared.

Is that a Boy Scout? Yeah. The Boy Scouts say always very prepared. But I actually, I remember you guys talking about this and it really changed my tune on it because if you are hopeful of that and you're going on a holiday, actually one of my best friends right now is in Europe. She's been with a boyfriend for 10 years.

Oh, my God. Everyone keeps saying that he's going to propose and he's going to propose. And I was like, I don't want you to have this pressure because if he doesn't you might be disappointed but also it can take away from you being like there in the moment and just enjoying it 100 and I definitely like I am joking yes I get my nails done and yes I take outfits just in case I'll probably do that for the next five years yeah but when I'm there I don't think about it I genuinely like when I'm there when I'm on every

romantic because there's no point and I don't want to know when it's going to happen like I want it to be a surprise anyway that's not the point of my story sorry kangaroos I did oh no the point of my story was so funny it does have to do with someone else's wedding but I was so mortified so we stop at the top of this sunset hill and there's this little kangaroo and I'm like oh my god Ben let's stop and there was like these beautiful big palm trees so we swung our buggy off to the side of the road and put the buggy in and jumped out and Ben and I were doing like an entire photo shoot with this kangaroo like the sunset the kangaroo like posing taking different turns like I was down trying to like get the shots and your angle yeah I was I was like

over here anyway going ham on this photo shoot and then I hear this excuse me I'm sorry but I think we've waited long enough kind of thing and I was like what and I turned around and there was a lady like she's like you need to move and I said I'm just I'm just trying to get a photo with skippy and she's like you're in the middle of a wedding shoot and i turn around and behind like there were the palm trees i actually want to die for you keisha an entire bridal party and the bride and groom how did you not see them because because you're so focused on getting the fucking because we fanged the golf cart around because we had to turn around to get skippy so we fanged it around and got out one side the entire bridal shit was behind us so we we just didn't see it

and the palm the huge big palm trees sort of blocked half of them from my peripheral view so they've done i'm talking like four groomsmen four bridesmaids the bride and groom all their family and we in the back i'm laying on the ground with skimmy in the back of their fucking i would love to see it i would if they're listening right now i'd love to see if they got a photo with me and ben and i was like excuse me it's my holiday too can you imagine how long they spoke about you before they came over like how many conversations they were like probably like oh just give them five minutes like just give them a couple more minutes they'll fuck off like they'll take it you know they're nearly done surely they've got

the shot by now they probably thought we were just gonna get one shot little do they know britney hockley and then you take a hundred just to make sure you've got the good one I did, especially when you're working with animals. It gets so much worse. I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I was like, let me quickly move. So I gather all my stuff up and Ben's like, babe, you move. And he ran back across the road because his arms were full

and he had the camera and stuff because I was doing the shoot, even though Ben's the one that doesn't know what a kangaroo is. So I get into the golf buggy. It's like a comedy skit. It's like everything's silent and the whole wedding party is looking at me. And I don't know if you guys have been on a golf buggy. I don't know if this is all golf buggies, but on Hamilton Island, There's no power steering and I'd gone off road.

You have to put into reverse, Keisha, and the whole time it reverses, it has this high pitch. So I'm like, the whole party's looking at me and I'm like, trying to like unpower steering it out, reverse it, and then you stop and you have to then go push the buttons into, no, not gear, just forward. So I pushed it to forward and then I have to be like, But, and then it was so, you can only go 20 kilometres,

so I couldn't even quickly get out of it. I had to scoot past them at 20 kilometres and be like, happy wedding. I am dying for you. But I wonder, I was so embarrassed. I'm surprised you made eye contact with them because I would have been. There was nowhere to look. There was nowhere to hide.

That was on Sunset Boulevard. I do wonder, like we left and were mortified, but at the end of the day we're like, oh, surely they had a chuckle. It's not like we ruined their wedding. but I just wonder how many people have like have done that like how many of people listening right now have photos where someone has photobombed I don't know is it like a proposal or a wedding or someone's ruined a photo like I would love to know because I'd love to also see the evidence and if this if the person is listening got any photos with me and skipping the background I

would because I still didn't get the shot so so if you're a professional photographer actually can you slide in with it please because of all of the hundreds that I took I didn't get get one that's usable it kind of reminds me i've seen a couple videos on the internet of people on the internet how old am i i know where they've gone like you know someone set up the camera to film the proposal and it can just be the two of them there's this one that went super viral i'm sure a lot of people saw it so there's this couple and they've got a golden retriever and they're on the beach and he has set the camera up to film the proposal the golden retriever gets the zoomies I've seen it so many times.

The condo treatment is like cutting in and out and just full, full zoomies. It's so funny. I would love to see if any of you guys have like a failed proposal video or like something where like the camera's fallen over or something. Gosh, it brings me so much joy. There's the only other one that I know I shouldn't laugh at but I do and I know you would have seen it. It's when a friend is filming, supposed to be filming the proposal, right?

Like they're distracted. No. Well, that happens too but there's a lady and she's supposed to be filming the proposal. but then someone else is filming her film the proposal from a distance so someone's just doing a long shot yeah and right as he's about to get down on one knee she trips over and falls on her back and i'm totally funny because she isn't hurt it's just the timing is impeccable you see him go down and her fall back and the whole video's just on the sky and she's tumbling around trying to get

up she misses the entire thing i feel as though if ben was to ask me like i'm the most unreliable to do things like that because I just know that I'm clumsy and I get distracted really easily. Jono, if Ben actually wants to propose to Britt and wants full camera footage of it, you have to do it because I can't be trusted. Yeah, definitely. Don't let Keith, please, send that memo.

We'll set up multiple cameras again. I'm like, oh, my God, guys, what's going on? You're like, what's going on? This is Hamilton Island. There's like lighting. There's four different camera angles. There's fucking ring lights everywhere. I'd be like, could you just get a higher angle?

I've got a double chin. yeah we want to go from top down top down so we wanted to talk today about lo and behold relationships this came off the back of a bunch of questions we get from you guys it's actually such a common question how do I know if they're the one how do I know if I need to leave it's a really confusing time a time that I have gone through myself multiple times and I think many people do right and then we saw this article about should you break up with your partner nine signs to end a relationship and it's been put together so well a bunch of experts philosophers clinical psychotherapists a bunch of different people that know more than we know

so we were like maybe now is the time to have this discussion and break it down yeah I also think and I don't know whether this was actually a research study I read it quite a long time ago I don't know if it was a theory or if it was actually a study but I think the the notion of what they were talking about really holds up and it's the idea that something has to be bad enough like the pain of what you're experiencing has to be bad enough for you to do something about it to change it and I think a lot of the time when you're talking about long-term relationships that tipping point is actually really hard to determine it's one of those things where it's like if they had have done something catastrophically bad let's say that they completely betrayed your trust they

cheated on you they spent all of your money without telling you like if there was some big betrayal that's a really obvious thing that you're like grounds to break up it's very clear yeah that that this relationship shouldn't continue. But I actually think that for a lot of us, that doesn't exist. I think that it can exist in this gray zone where you're kind of see-sawing on whether the relationship is worth continuing in. And so I really thought this list was great because if you're able to kind of answer each of these questions, and I don't think all of them will be yes or no, like I think some of them you might kind of flip-flop on, but it might give you a bit more of an idea as to a bit of a scale as to where you're sitting within your own relationship.

yeah not to apply any further external pressure but when you think about it who you choose to spend the rest of your life with is the biggest decision that you will make in your life it's bigger than where you're going to move it's bigger than what job you're going to do if you're going to have kids like the partner that you choose is going to have such an impact on you financially emotionally literally is going to change the path of your entire existence and I know that sounds like a lot of pressure, but it's true. So there is a reason that we do feel like this. There is a reason that we sit and say, are they the one? So we're going to go through the list of the nine signs that you should consider ending your relationship. And maybe there's some of you

right now who are kind of listening along with a pen and paper and going pro or con. So the first one that they listed is that you're consistently unhappy. And I think the key word there is consistently, because I mean, it's unrealistic to think that it's going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. That's just not, it's not a realistic pressure to put onto your relationship. But I think if you're consistently feeling like you're drained, like you're exhausted from your partner, that there's a lot of conflict that causes, you know, awkwardness or tension within your life, that to me would be a pretty clear indicator that maybe things are not headed in the right direction. Yeah. And it's also really important to differentiate what you're unhappy

about so you might be really unhappy with your life at the moment but that's not necessarily all down to your partner maybe there are other things going on in your life your friendship circles or your work or where you live finances are stressful there might be a lot of other things that are contributing to your unhappiness so before you say hey yeah I'm really unhappy I'm going to abort mission with my partner you need to work out what it is and how I guess a percentage in your head of what you think is coming from your partner do you think it's interesting though when you consider that with someone that you are in love with and that is really supportive if everything else in your life is shit let's say you've lost your job let's say you know someone in your family

is sick or like if there's a lot of things that would be causing you to be unhappy for very valid reasons I think if you are feeling as though your partner is adding to that unhappiness during those times like that to me is a bit of a magnifying glass on your relationship and it's like do I feel better and more supported from my partner at this time or are they actually making the situation worse if you're with a person who's a good person you would assume that even though these other things are happening around you and out you know kind of out of your control that they should make you feel more supported yeah number two the emotional connection isn't there anymore I think this is a big one I think this is for me everyone's going to be different right

how you enter a relationship and what you need from the relationship to me I definitely need that connection because I know physicality and the sex and the chemistry, it will change and fade. But what can remain consistent is that connection. I would say for most women, and I'd say it's probably, I don't want to blanket statement. I don't know what you think, Keisha, but I think it's probably more important for women than men. Yeah. I think stereotypically that would be the case. We're deeper connectors. I read this in Dr. Ali Walker's book. She's been on the podcast twice. I think she's absolutely wonderful. and it is more common for women to want that more intense connection it's like when you're in a

heterosexual relationship right if the man cheats the woman says well do you love her do you have feelings for her they want to know about the emotional connection if the woman is unfaithful the man is like how many times did you sleep with him do you know it's very physically based and with women the first thing is that emotional connection we're more worried or it's more impactful for us if it's emotional cheating than it is physical cheating. And I think that comes down to having that emotional connection. Obviously there's a lot of complexity as to the reasons as to why that might be the case, but I do think that, yeah, there could be that difference. The third one that they listed is that you have different core values. It kind of relates

to what you and Laura spoke about, I think it was two weeks ago on the Tuesday episode, where you talked about whether you can have a difference of opinion with certain values in your life and whether that be political, whether it be religious, whether it be moral. And I also think that something that is really hard is that when you're in a long-term relationship, sometimes people's core values can change. You know, we often hear about the fact that when someone entered a relationship, they wanted to have children. That was a decision that they made. And then for whatever reason it might be, they may have grown into being a person who wanted to remain child free and that is a really common story that we hear about why people break down but I actually

experienced this with my own parents my dad became very very religious they'd been together for I think about oh 15 20 years by this point they got together when they were in high school which is a big change to have spent 20 years with someone where your values align and then it changes Absolutely. And I think that him going down a path of quite, he's quite an extreme person as well. So he went down a very religious path. Zero to a hundy. Yeah. And my mum went the other way. For me, I actually witnessed this in action. I kind of saw that this difference in core values and the way that they wanted to live their life was probably, in my opinion, it was the biggest factor that caused them to break up. There were obviously

other things as well but I don't know I think it's I think it's very difficult for people to have different religious and political beliefs or even moral values in a relationship if they're quite involved with those beliefs is what I would say we got a message after you guys spoke about that on the podcast from this lovely lady who she was Christian and her partner was agnostic or atheist I can't remember but essentially I kind of asked a couple more follow-up questions because they had children and I was like can I just ask like it's more so for my own curiosity how do you navigate those types of situations whether you want to bring your children to church whether you want to get them christened like how does that go and she essentially wrote back and

said I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this I mean she's an anonymous but she said that her partner was really sorry her husband was really supportive of them as long as by the time the children were able to make a decision for themselves about whether they wanted to be religious or not that she respected their own individual choice yeah and I thought that was a really happy medium I don't know whether I would be able to do that I don't know whether I would be able to have a different religion to my partner because I have seen it go so wrong yeah I mean it's gonna come down to every individual relationship I think I shared on that episode maybe I was in a relationship with someone for a few years that was Muslim

Religion to me isn't a deterrent for relationships if you have different religious beliefs. It's only a deterrent if they're extreme, like you just said. So I think many people can have wonderfully successful relationships with different beliefs if their beliefs are not being imposed on the other person. So if somebody wants to believe whatever they believe, if they want to go to church and do that, but if they're not trying to force you into a belief that you don't have, I think you can have very successful relationships. The next few, I think are pretty self-explanatory.

So we've got the core values, which I think is very obvious. Lack of trust, feeling underappreciated or negatively judged in the relationship. I think that speaks for itself. If you don't trust your partner, I don't want to be rude, but why are you with them? That's what I would say. If I didn't trust my partner, I wouldn't be in the relationship 100%. For me, trust is probably the most fundamental aspect or building block in a relationship, especially in my situation now.

Long distance, Ben could be doing whatever the hell he wants. and I would genuinely be asleep on the other side of the world and I'd be fucking asleep. Wait, you should see us try and sext. It takes days because one of us wakes up, one of us goes to bed. It's also so funny because, like, you're in a different mood when you're going to sleep and you have a big day or until you wake up.

I'm like, yeah, baby, tell me more. Twelve hours later, are you still there? The moment's gone. That's so hot. You're like, it's not hot anymore. But if you don't trust someone, you can't have a relationship. Like, Ben, I could too. Like, we could be both doing whatever we wanted

and our partner could probably never know. So if you don't have trust, you can't have a relationship. But I do think that trust is one of those things that just exists on a scale of grey and I think it can ebb and flow and especially in long-term relationships. Like I don't think it's common unless there has been a betrayal that you trust your partner entirely up until one day and then all of a sudden you don't unless there's a reason.

You know one thing I was so shocked about? I'm not going to like judge anyone that does this. I wouldn't do this but I could not believe how many people when I polled them said that they would do it so maybe a month ago I don't know but we had an ask uncut question about one couple one man in the relationship was trying to have an affair with a friend of the couple oh yeah and then so he had hit up the other woman in their friendship circle so the other friend had said no no way then the man that had hit him up and said no no it's it was a joke I didn't mean it and so that wife in the relationship she ended up saying hey look i i know that he did that it's

fine you don't need in on the joke i was in on the joke you don't need to make a big deal about it so so many this didn't even cross my mind but so many lifers so many of you guys had written to me saying it was probably the wife feeling insecure in the relationship pretending to be the husband to hit her up to see what would happen and i was like no way that would happen like no way you would be in a relationship that insecure and make a fake account to see if somebody would take the bait I was really shocked at that so I put the poll up on Instagram saying how many of you think that or would do this or have done this how many of you have pretended to be another account to see if your partner or someone is cheating and I couldn't believe that it was like 80% of people

said that they would do it or had done that in the past yeah wow for me that was really shocking because I thought wow like if I felt that insecure or felt that my partner was cheating on me and I was like if you are creating another account to try and catch your partner out you're pretty sure that they're doing something wrong so I would personally be going to have that conversation with my partner I get that people need to catch them out because at the end of the day you say you're cheating on me he's going to say no and you're like oh cool yeah I also have like a deep empathy for anyone who's in that situation because I've been in relationships where I've if that was presented as an option to me I would have taken it but it was because I was in a bad

relationship where like I didn't trust him and the truth was he was cheating on me like yeah and so I think when you're in that it can be so murky and you can be so overwhelmed with like the possibility of what they're doing that you just want the proof that you want the like definitive even though this information really hurts me at least I have more information like it does give you clarity in those situations. I do completely agree with you. And I look back on those situations now and I'm like, wow, I actually can't believe I got to that point. I can't believe I let my standards drop, but it was such a gradual thing. And that's what I mean about the trust thing. When I went into that relationship, I trusted him because why wouldn't you, you know, like,

and it was such a, the frog in the pot kind of analogy, you know, that we talk about, if you throw a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put a frog in warm water and then turn it up so it boils, it will die. And that's kind of how I think about those types of relationships is because you don't realise that your standards are gradually dropping and you don't realise that you've become this person who wants to catch their boyfriend cheating

because then at least you'll know, like, but it happens. It fucking happens and it happened to me, you know, and I thought I was, like, way more confident in myself and way more assured that I would never let someone treat me like that. But here we are. You probably were when you entered the relationship. but it's a grooming's the wrong word it's like a slow burn like they wear you down it's a

manipulation yeah it's a manipulation they make you feel like you would do anything to stay in that relationship and that they can do the wrong thing and you'll stay there yeah definitely well the next one is like you said feeling underappreciated in the relationship i feel as though this would be one of the biggest reasons that women in particular leave marriages the gradual not feeling appreciated for everything that you do to keep a home to look after children to raise them the sacrifices that you make it's the 0.1 percent that start to add up over time and you get to this point where you just realize that you feel so underappreciated for every single sacrifice that you've made that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore yeah and i think

this is a hard one for us to comment on in terms of families and children because we don't have children but a hundred percent people can feel underappreciated in relationships without kids but I feel like the driving factor here is families because the workload with kids doesn't stop and I feel like a lot of that load in most relationships falls on the woman I'd be really interested to ask people in same-sex relationships what the dynamic is in your relationship with this type of thing because I think often one partner always carries more of the mental load in the relationship it's the person who knows that it's been night it's the person who knows that the dishwasher needs to be put on it's the one who knows when the milk is getting low in the

fridge and you've got to go and get some more it's like the toilet paper person you know there's always one person in the relationship that carries that shit in the back of their mind I hope no one's breaking up over toilet paper honestly though I genuinely would understand it I would understand that if you had carried the entire mental load of your relationship years and years in years if you have metaphorically wiped his ass for the last 10 years if you've made sure that they can wipe their ass for 10 years and they have never once thought about the fact you're going to run out of toilet paper like i get that i i actually think that would be one of the things that would make me break to be honest this morning i had this thought it's so stupid but because ben

and i only spend like two months together max at a time but this morning i i realized we're learning some of our, like, living characteristics, traits. It's not a good time. And this morning I went to the bathroom and I was like, why would you, if you run out of toilet paper, not replace it? No. It's the empty one stays on there, on the toilet hole, but then a new roll is on the ground.

And I'm like, so at least you've replaced it. Or maybe I, I don't know, maybe I brought it in for him. I don't know. But he's replaced it enough that it's in there, but just can't take the empty roll off. And I was like, why? That would send me full Karen. Yes, for Karen. Number six, you consistently fantasize about a different life or different

partners. Now, I think this is a bit of like a double-edged sword and I don't think this is a defining factor for a breakup necessarily. Believe it or not, I'm going against the PhD in the doctor's year. I think it's really common to fantasize about a different life sometimes or the whole idea of the grass is always greener. Imagine if I didn't have kids and I was in Europe with my friends like everyone else right now. Imagine if I hadn't been having sex with the same person for the last 10 years and I was out having a one night stand. Like it is so normal to have those thoughts in a relationship. The question here is, are you still giving yourself to your relationship or have you completely checked out? Like are you all day fantasizing

about something else and your partner doesn't come into the equation anymore at all? Because these little thoughts of like what ifs are natural human thoughts. They're completely normal for you to go through life and be like, oh, imagine if I didn't get married 10 years ago. Imagine if I didn't have 25 kids like that's completely standard but if you are just like fucking Channing Tatum in your head every single night and you haven't slept with your partner in a year there might be bigger issues Jillian Turecki is an expert you guys spoke to on the podcast specifically about this and I really like that yeah I'll put it in the show notes um if you guys want to listen it was a really really good episode I loved that one I remember talking you

guys talking with her about is it normal to have sex dreams about other people and she was like Of course it is. Yeah. And I remember feeling a bit of relief. So I've had sex dreams about people that I'm like, I have not even had sex with that person before and I don't necessarily want to. Even if you whisper on this podcast, they can still hear you.

Keisha's got a mouth, her hand up to her mouth. She goes, I've had sex dreams with other people. It's so strange to me. Like there are people that there's actually one in particular that I went to primary school with. On my days, I hope no one that I went to school with listens to this. It is so strange to me because I've had sex dreams about him before and I'm like I've never slept with him.

I don't think about him that way right now. Like what is this weird subconscious thing that's going on? And I felt a huge amount of relief of her being like, no, don't worry, it's relatively normal. I think, again, this word consistently that they've put in the list is the big thing. It's like whether you're kind of completely checked out of your own relationship and you're just dreaming about another one.

And I also think we are so guilty of putting the rose-coloured glasses on previous situation tips or previous relationships, you know, like you remember the good bits and I think there's a point in time where you're like you're getting pissed off because your partner doesn't replace the toilet roll. But also I've had sex dreams before where I've woken up feeling disgusting. Like I disgusted with myself.

What, because of the person that you used to dream sex with? Yes. And the things that were happening in there, like in the dream, but the whole point is it's your subconscious it's the way you dream about being murdered or dying or like whatever you can't control your dreams it doesn't mean you want it your dreams are not indicative necessarily yeah indicative of what you want to say that they are though there are some people who like do full dream analysis and I just I don't know not for me to be honest I don't even want to know I don't want to know what it means if it means anything um let's go

on to number seven your partner is uninterested in addressing issues that arise in your relationship Big one. I also think that that kind of comes down to like the one-sided nature of communication in a relationship. Like I think that's actually quite related to some of the other ones and pretty obvious. I don't think we really need to unpack that one. Number eight is something that I really hope we are all aware of. They listed that you notice repetitive unhealthy patterns or signs of abuse.

Yeah. And that's a black and white one. As we've spoken about many times on many different episodes here, yes, it is black and white that it is a reason to break up. but we also know leaving and breaking up isn't black and white. So that's really important that we reiterate that. It should not be in any relationship and you shouldn't be in a relationship that has abuse of any kinds, emotional, financial, physical, but we understand it's not as easy as saying thank you next. Yeah. It's also accumulative. Again, like we've said a couple of times,

I think it's really hard to pinpoint the moment that you go, okay, we'll accept this, won't accept that because it's so gradual. Number nine, the last reason that you should relieve a relationship according to the specialist is that your friends, family, and loved ones are concerned. Concerned is an interesting term. And I say this because I've been in a relationship for, I was in a relationship for two years and my family didn't like him at all, hated him for me, but I didn't know. Okay. Because they didn't tell me until we broke up and they made that choice because they didn't think that I was unsafe. It wasn't like physical abuse or any abuse.

They just didn't like who he was and they didn't like us together or the way my life probably would have panned out if I stayed with him. But at the time I seemed happy. So they made the choice of saying, let's not shit on a relationship right now. Let's just see what pans out. And as soon as we broke up, my dad was like, thank fuck. And I was shocked. I was like, oh, you never, dad was like, I never liked him.

The problem is, and we've spoken about this on other episodes, but you risk if you are friends and family and you go to your friend or relative and say you know we don't like this person for you for this this or this reason you risk isolating and alienating that person and Laura's spoken about that a lot she she was I guess the victim of that that she left her friendship circles and her families because she was so defensive of the boyfriend that she was with who was a total dirtbag and her friends and family were right but it's a tricky place. Like it's a really tricky place to be, to be able to listen to your friends and family's concerns and not isolate anyone. I think it's also tricky because if you are the person who

is the family or the friend and you voice it and they stay together. Yeah. Well, it's just like, it's just awkward. You know, like, you know, that you're going to be spending time with this person. You know, that the person that you love is aware of what you think of their relationship. They're going to feel judged. They're probably going to feel defensive of their own choices because we all want to feel as though we're like intelligent enough to have autonomy over the decisions we make about the person that we want to be with but the problem is that you can so easily be blinded when you've got feelings and when you've got emotions involved and it's so much easier for the people around you to see things more clearly I believe there is a way to do it and I think one way is

an example is not necessarily to go to them and say he or she is fucked like you need to leave that's discussed like you can't just go ham and shit on the person but I think what you do is when they're maybe talking to you about something that's happened or an argument or the way they've spoken to you or something they've done there are ways to say I don't think that's that normal like that shouldn't really be happening at this point of a relationship there's ways to say instead of pinpointing it on him or her to say what is or isn't healthy in a relationship and I literally did it last week to a friend a friend was telling me about this huge fight that they'd had and the way that he had been speaking to her the way he had treated her I took it back to my relationship

which I might not have I said oh you know I would be really upset if Ben spoke to me like that I set the ground rules straight away and I said no you will not swear at me in a relationship you'll not do this like I've set those boundaries I said it's not really healthy to have that so maybe you need to revisit your boundaries with your partner and so I tried to put it that way like express a bit more how you feel that you don't want to be spoken to in that way there are definitely ways to do it like that that are not going to push your friend away from you because once your friend has been pushed away it's really hard to bring them back it's almost like they need to come to the realization themselves there were three questions that I wrote down for you to ask

yourself if you're possibly in this position after reading this article and I'm interested to get your thoughts on the Brit the first one was I think you should ask yourself am I staying in this relationship out of fear of being alone yeah that's a big one that I have definitely done before I have definitely stayed in relationships far too long and I think as women we have a big fear of being on our own and i don't know where that inherently comes from i think it comes from uh biological pressure well yeah patriarchy but also biological pressures you know if you are a woman of a certain age and you want to reproduce like there are also a lot of notions like you said about the patriarchy of used goods you know like you

don't want to be the the single woman at a certain age that is trying to pick up young men and like there's just so much shame involved in those types of communication, I guess. It goes further than that too. It goes to the point and it's something that I've noticed since I've been in a relationship because I was on my own for so long. There was a huge relief that I don't have to go through everything on my own. So it wasn't being alone. I'm happy to be alone. But the idea that if I lost my job now, there's someone to financially help me, that I'm going to have a roof over my head I don't have to make every decision on my own and I remember maybe two years ago three years ago I don't know on the podcast talking about the surprising feelings that I felt when I finally did

get into a relationship and it was the relief of not having to make every life decision on my own and I had someone to go through it with it wasn't that I had someone physically there because I was happy to be on my own but it's a really nice thought to say hey if something doesn't work out I've got someone that's going to help me out. And I think a lot of people stay in relationships for that reason. So Keisha, how do you personally distinguish between just going through a rough patch in your relationship or being like fundamentally incompatible? Big, big question. It is a huge question. And it's also something that I'm not completely going to go into the depths of this, but this is something that I really had to debate a couple of months ago

in my own relationship you know it was me working out whether this was just a bit of a rough patch or a rough couple of months for us or whether it was a sign that maybe we were headed in different directions and I really really struggled with it the one thing that I think helped me was I listened to this podcast and life uncut yeah just listen to our own pod I mean I listened to it three times before the episodes are published as it is, but more listening. They spoke about how often when we're in these situations, we really play the blame game. We really go like, oh, they're doing this. They're doing that. And I'm unhappy about this. And I'm unhappy about that. The advice that they gave was really about putting the mirror on yourself and trying to list the things that

you're able to improve on in the relationship. During that time, I really realized that I was playing tit for tat. I was like keeping score and not really being a teammate. I was getting resentful of certain things and I was feeling as though more of the load was on me and I was getting really frustrated by it and I was feeling underappreciated, but I actually really purposefully sat down and I was like, okay, maybe I need to just see what I can do better in the relationship and just see if it makes the relationship improve and try and be less resentful of these things that of pissing me off and the second I did that the change in my relationship was astronomical I was actually like holy shit yeah I didn't realize how much my resent was becoming a poison in our

relationship and it was just getting worse and I was getting more resentful and more angry again this is going to be so individual it's going to be so based off of your own circumstances and also off of the length of the time that your rough patch is for me now I guess if this is ever to come up again, which it will, you know, inevitably everyone goes through this and you probably go through it a lot. I'm going to first go, okay, I'm getting really frustrated by these things, but how can I be more of a teammate? And if I start to change my behavior and things don't get better, I think for me, that would be the fence of whether it's incompatibility. It comes down to the frequency of how many times you have to have these moments.

And is the other person coming to the table too? Because it can't just be every time there's a rough patch that you come to the table can't just be like okay I'm going to check myself meet halfway make the relationship better because that's always going to make the relationship better but it can very much be a band-aid unless both people accept and understand how the other person is feeling and I think that is imperative so it's like how often this is happening and are both people coming to the table I think that's a good point Britt for you what are some clear signs for you that indicate that it might be time to end a relationship? I mean, we just listed nine of them that professionals thought, but what for you personally? Do you know, for me,

I mean, the number one thing is that I have had in the past is the ick. I haven't ever been able to come back from an ick. So once I have had that, and there's obviously a lot of things that lead up to that, but I think in a relationship, almost everything almost can be worked through like general issues that a relationship has and I'm talking sans the serious things like the abuse I even say that to the point of cheating and like when I started this podcast five years ago I would have been out the front door I would have said if you cheat on me I'm done but I have such a bigger understanding of why and what that looks like now that I think even that can be worked through under the right circumstances and I want to blanket that because every time I say that or

Laura says that people come for us it's okay to have a difference of opinion it's okay for you to be in a relationship right now and cheating is a deal breaker. But I think you very much have to understand the situation. That comes from Esther Perel, the relationship specialist that we've spoken to. The episode that we did with her many moons ago really changed my outlook on cheating. For me, if it's any one of those points that we've discussed that is reoccurring and you can't shake, then it's probably time to leave the relationship. If you are constantly thinking about a particular person. So I know we said earlier, if your brain is thinking of different lives and it's wondering in different sex, what sex would be like with that person, that's all normal.

But if you know deep down you have feelings for someone, it might be the person at the gym or someone that you work with all the time, someone that you are thinking about consistently, I think it's probably time to leave the relationship. If you look 10 years down the track and you can't see yourselves living in the same place or doing the same things day to day, if it's kids or if one of you wants to go to church and raise your kids in a religion those big differences it is so much easier to end a relationship now than in 10 years time but I truly believe everyone is going to go through this feeling of am I with the right person and I also truly believe that deep down you already know the answer sometimes it's really hard to face though relationships take work like the

right relationship isn't going to be a walk in the park for the rest of your life and this day and age, we have a real tendency to want to tap out really quickly. I think that's a generational thing. Our parents and grandparents wouldn't have done that and they didn't do that. They rode through the hard times, but now we have access to an exit and so many options. And I'm talking like online dating. I think that's multifaceted though. I actually think that with the rise of women's rights and our ability to make money and support ourselves, I think it is a good thing overall that women now feel more comfortable leaving relationships. Absolutely. A hundred percent. We're in a more comfortable position to leave when we want to.

But I guess what I'm saying is sometimes we take the kind of quick, easy exit. Yeah. I asked my dad this. My mom and dad have been married for 45 years. They have a really good relationship. And they have a really good relationship. I've never heard my dad raise his voice to my mom. He would never swear at my mom. They still write each other love notes. They hold hands when they walk. And I asked my dad that really honestly, a couple of years ago. And he said, there was a time that we nearly broke up. You know, he's like, we were not happy, but we had four little kids. That's why we weren't happy. We were struggling to make ends meet. We weren't sleeping. We were stressed. It would have been very easy to leave and call it a day. And he's

like, but I'm so glad we worked through that because the best parts of our relationship came after the unhappiness and that was a real point where he's like you need to work at relationships that's what I want people to know this the first sign of trouble in a relationship doesn't have to be an exit but deep down you know if the person you're with is going to be your forever like you know that gut feeling that intrinsic gut feeling that we get that as women we so often choose to ignore and then later on we're like oh should have probably listened to that that's the thing I think we need to start listening to do you know what's so interesting I don't know if I agree with that very last point of yours intrinsic gut feeling just that knowledge of the one I don't think

there is a one like I definitely don't either I think that there are so many people that you could be with for your long-term relationship I think because I get confused between lust desire compatibility reliability stability and it even spreads into this idea of happiness and this is something that I thought about quite a long time ago and thought about how happiness for me is not a reliable indicator of anything. And I think that this exists, especially for people who live with mental illness. So if you have depression, anxiety, if you are neurodiverse, I know that a lot of people are going to be like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then there's going to be some people who are like, oh, I so understand what you're talking about right now. For me,

I've been through periods of my life where externally everything can be great. My job can be good, like my living arrangements, whether I'm in a relationship or not, everything can be great. And I have been in some of the worst depression waves I've ever experienced. And I think I've started to realize that because whether it's neurochemistry, whether it's dopamine, I don't know what the fuck it is in my brain. But even when I work on the circumstances, the things that should alleviate me of feeling depressed, sometimes I don't have a choice in it. Sometimes I feel so depressed for no logical reason. Unfortunately for me, and I think a lot of people will feel the same feelings of happiness or feelings of joy are not necessarily reliable

to make any decisions in your life based off of because it can be fleeting and it can be unpredictable and it can be not reflective of what's actually going on around you and it's so frustrating as well when you're the type of person who feels like that yeah and I think it impacts your relationship so much and I hate that it does because you don't really have control over it either and so you can be feeling as though you're not giving your all and that you're not being a good partner and maybe it's one of the reasons that you feel like you should break up because you're like well I'm not feeling happy in this relationship and it's so frustrating when you're like well am I not feeling happy because of the relationship or am I just fucked like is my brain

just not able to make me feel happiness in a way that other people experience yeah and firstly the answer is no you're not fucked I mean debatable but like I know that this is a really dark and a deeper version of this type of conversation but I think one of the main questions that people get asked when they're talking with their friends about whether they should break up or not is are you happy and that is something that I think we all need to remember if you're listening right now you are not alone if you have those feelings you're not fucked in the brain as Keisha said you might be yeah but it's not your fault and it's just something that you need to work through with your partner and externally with a relationship therapist with a

personal therapist before you go and you make any rash decisions in your relationship. Let's get into Accidentally Unfiltered. Your most embarrassing stories. Brittany had one of her own with the kangaroos with photo bombing someone else's wedding shoot. Yeah. Okay. We live on land and over the years have had many different people keep their horses at our house. So one afternoon, my mum got a text from a number she didn't have saved in her phone informing her that someone had passed away and the text had all the funeral details and was signed off with the family's names which were all very generic. So my mum was reading it and couldn't figure out if they had sent the text to the wrong person or if she knew the family or who

it was. She came into my room and read the text out to me to see if I could figure it out but I also couldn't. 15 minutes later she comes back into my room panicking saying delete it delete it delete it oh no no no no no no help me help me please get rid of it and i'm like what is going on so i look at her phone and she had meant to send me a text message on but instead she replied to the person who had sent the original funeral details the person who is giving yeah the death notice yeah this is what she said i've worked it out it's sally's mom it's sprinkles owner it's sad because she was pretty nice her husband was a tad weird though oh oh no she just oh it was the horse's mom mom and she's not his mom it was sprinkles mom that

died and the husband's weird and the husband's weird and she's and she has sent that back to the daughter who sent the funeral details so she's basically said her mom her mom has passed away and she basically said oh my god i'm dying oh my god that's the wrong term her mom has died And she's got a text from someone being like, oh, I've worked out who it is. It's the horse's parent. Oh, sad. She was nice.

But also your dad's a bit strange, eh? Dad's a bit fucking weird. Safe to say she was mortified and obviously didn't attend the funeral. To make things worse, only a few weeks later, Apple announced they were bringing out the new feature where you could unsend a message. Yeah. That is funny but not funny.

Like the circumstance is not funny. That is so funny. We've got another one that had been absolute stitches. I went to laser clinics for my usual Brazilian treatment. Zap, zap. The lady asked me if I would like the full treatment, you know, the front and the back. Feels.

I think they call it the Hollywood. Yeah, remember I talked about it, the Hollywood. So I flip around and she does a couple of zaps and then pulls the laser machine out. To my astonishment, the plastic part on the top of the gun was left in my butt cheeks because I clenched so hard. Hang on, hang on. it does feel like satan is stabbing you in the arsehole i disagree i have had three hollywoods

and also how far up are they putting it that you've clenched it and pulled it off with your butt cheeks they do really ruin it up there do they not for you no do you pull your cheeks apart yes okay but they told me to they like spread it yeah probably because too many people's machines were getting stuck up the bottle that's fucking hilarious i've had different strokes for different folks meaning like I've had laser done so many times that I kind of go like how do you want me I just realized that I should never make eye contact when I ask them that do you want me some want you on your tummy some want you on your side some want you to lift a leg someone I've always had tummy have you I've always had please roll over and spread your cheeks no I've

done side and I feel like maybe this girl was side because it's too much gravity on the top cheek that's how it got stuck no she said she just she said she clenched it i picture on her tummy and being like i've definitely clenched because it does hurt it does feel like maybe my butt is immune i don't it doesn't hurt why a couple no because i don't even like it in the butt so suck and sweet highlight and the low light of the week my suck this week is that delilah my dog the little b-i-t-c-h has completely forgotten i existed like i have raised her from a puppy for three years oh it's not her birthday yet we've missed the last i just thought i missed her it's in july we did miss the last two yeah fourth of july she just like forgets when there's

a man in the house she forgets i exist i've never seen a dog like it any men whether she knows them or not she's the biggest flirt she just has this like obsession with ben and i will come home from like a big day or we'll wake up in the morning and say hello to it and I'll be like, Lila. And she just will not even make eye contact, run straight past me. She won't even come for a pat and just sit on Ben's face, which I also like to do so I understand it. That's weird.

Ben will be like, cut, cut, cut, cut. She's only human. No, she's a dog. But I understand it. So that's my suck this week is that like when there's a man, I don't exist. My sweet is Hamilton Island. obviously I had an amazing weekend with Ben we were very loved up in the sunshine it was beautiful

lots of hanky-panky and just a whole really wholesome couple of days that sounds wonderful my suck for the week is that this will sound odd is my boyfriend's birthday next week and for my birthday last year it was my 30th so it was a special birthday and he went above above above and beyond on the gifts I received more gifts for my birthday from him than what I have collectively received from my entire family for the past 10 years do you think that that is because it was just your first birthday together so he was and you were still pretty new so he's just trying to like lock you in and now he's got you drunk and you're getting a tea towel i don't know it could be any of the above but now his birthday's rolled around it's this week and i have spent a disgusting

amount of money what did you get him i feel like i can say it because he doesn't listen to the podcast he's requested and I'm not even joking it's so strange a Japanese cooking knife oh that's I get that if you're no I get that I bought Ben cooking stuff for his birthday if you're a man and you like to cook they froth that how is a piece of metal I don't care how sharp it is how is a piece of metal that expensive Keisha he probably says the same thing when you ask for jewelry my brain just blew it's so true at least it's gold at least it's like a valuable metal this is like steel this is an alloy of shit metals that are found everywhere that are just shaped into something that cuts things easily frankly the sharper the knife the more cautious

I am to use it because I just don't trust myself I'm really clumsy anyway I've spent a disgusting amount of money on a japanese night like i'm like here's your gift i love it and hopefully he doesn't listen to this and spoil them no he doesn't ever listen to the podcast so i think we're safe but my sweet for the week is actually related to delilah as well because she might have forgotten you but she has not forgotten me i spent five days with her rub salt in the wound wow my dog hates me were in hamilton island and it was the most joyous experience with her that I've ever had. I feel like she's getting to that age where she's lost some of her annoying puppy traits. She used to be naughty. She can still be a little naughty. She's still naughty, but she gets

tired quicker. So she's like naughty and then sleep. Okay. I will come back. I will come back to you at the park. I just had such a good, I didn't actually realize how much I needed this. I needed for my days to consist of get up, go for a walk, come home, do some work, go for another walk come home have dinner and go to bed and I did that for five days straight and it has absolutely reset me to a position where I'm just feeling so good and I bloody love her I had the best time with her it actually was such a joy having her and I'm so sorry she followed me around like a fucking shadow no she follows me like a shadow but she just doesn't she just that's only because she's like don't leave the house without me like I'm gonna be on you but funnily enough one of our

mutual friends you went for a walk with her kim kim single and kim messaged me and she's like holy shit i have never been stopped so many times and when i'm with delilah and i crazy i said yeah i know that's standard and i said why don't you start to take her as a pickup she's like i think i'm gonna have to she's like it is she's never experienced an opener like delilah and i was like no one gets you talking like delilah gets 100 my old male housemates when they were single yes used to take her deliberately because they would like get three girls phone numbers because they're like oh yeah you can come for a walk with us and then right at the end they'd be like by the way she's not mine remember that time i started banging that really hot guy years ago which one

because yeah remember the time i started banging that really hot guy because he had the puppy the only reason i met him was he was the hot guy that used to walk around bondi with a golden retriever puppy and i stopped like moths still aflame i couldn't have been the only one he would have had a monday to friday on rotation but we stopped to talk about the dog and then we ended i bang it i was like i was like kim you need to date this yes i actually i think we should loan delilah out we could start a service i'm not loaning it you have to pay yeah you have to pay for it it's a business geisha i'm gonna pay for that expensive food in that day care anyway guys that is it from us hey would really love it if you joined us on youtube we do a lot of work on

the videos now and we're getting them up so quickly most of the time we have them up within 24 hours of the episode dropping and i know that other people are like some podcasts drop their YouTubes at the same time. And I'm like, yeah, they're recorded three weeks in advance. And we're not Joe Rogan. We record like 16 hours in advance to when we drop the episodes. So there's just a little bit of extra work that goes on into the videos. But I'm really loving it.

And I would love it if you could just hit subscribe, follow along. It would be fab. We're trying to grow it. You know, I'm really, really bloody enjoying it myself. So I think you will too. Don't forget. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love.

We'll be right back.