Life Uncut - Stop right now, thank you very much. Talking Boundaries and Self worth.

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

If you've been watching the absolutely toxic shit storm that is Married at first sight, you'd be correct in saying the "experiment" and the people in it know no boundaries. And whilst the show has produced (a very small number) of success stories, it is basically a show dedicated to teaching us what not to do and how not to act.It led us to this weeks discussion, Boundaries and self worth. What is a boundary? What are healthy and unhealthy boundaries? How do we set them and maintain them and what is their connection to our self worth?But before that we jump head first into some very interesting American Bachelor chat and discuss Colton Underwood coming out, but also the toxic behaviour that went down in his relationship with his Bachelor winner Cassie Randolph and why it's been swept under the rug.If you love the ep and you haven't already please head on over and leave us a review on Apple podcasts, we will love you for it!And please, tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your friends and share the love, because, well, we love love xfollow us @lifeuncutpodcast on instagramSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And we have to make today's episode snappy because currently my sister is in labour. I know it's so exciting okay and I just want to really reiterate our dedication but specifically Laura's dedication to you guys in this podcast I went to an early gym class and I get a message from Laura being like oh my god my sister's in labor and in my mind I was like oh cool we're gonna have to put this episode on hold for a couple days I thought that's where she was going with it because we were recording in two hours so I wrote back oh my god congratulations what do you want to do about the pod then when you want to reschedule it she's like oh no we need to bring

the episode. We always record this on a Monday and obviously it comes out on a Tuesday and she's in labor and what we've had to do this time around. So I was at the birth of my nephew for the first time that my sister had a kid and this is her second kid. And I want to be there when it's coming out. I want to be down there at the action end and you can only have one person in the room with you. And so at the start, she was like, so do I have my husband or do I have Laura? But now they've kind of changed things a little bit with covid and you can have your partner your birthing partner and you can also have a doula so i am pretending that i am a doula but i'm concerned because she's in labor right now and you're here no her waters have broke but she's not having

contractions yet so she's waiting for them to come on so she will have this baby in the next 24 hours they do not slide out i have a friend who's slid right out these people who have babies that slide right out set an unrealistic expectation on what birth is they don't call it labor for nothing I mean that's my expectation now I wanted to slide right out I just think I'm like not the person that you should have as a doula like I'm I'm gonna be her woo girl like I'm like you can do it but I'm also all for the drugs I feel like doulas are mostly there to try and help you breathe a baby out whereas the doctor comes in and my sister wants to do it natural she does not want to have an epidural the doctor will come in and be like so you know have you thought about your epidural

and it's kind of like imagine you're at dinner with someone and they don't want to have dessert and the waiter comes over and the waiter's like wait where I'm going where I'm going with this the waiter comes over and the waiter's like so do you guys want dessert and one person's like no I don't and the other person's like let's just look at the menu that's me they're like do you want an epidural and she's like no I don't I'm like let's just think about it but let's just bring the epidural over maybe we can share one why don't we put the needle in a little bit and then we'll decide whether we push my girlfriend showed me some photos she had a baby last week and she had at home in her house in a pool and so she has the doula come as well because i didn't even know what

a doula was oh wait this was her first baby yep at home no drugs in a pool for her first child that is aggressive and she showed i was like can i see because we're very close like can i see the photos and stuff and she showed me and i couldn't even look i was like i work in a theater the more blood and guts and cuts and stuff that i see the more excited i am watching the pain on her face with his head coming out and her husband looked like he was in more pain than she did his face looked like he was gonna be sick I couldn't do I was like I don't know how you did that I don't know how and because you can't get the drugs then even if you change your mind no and also you can't because you're at your house but not to terrorize anyone who is pregnant or about to like go into

labor I will say this so I went to my sister's first birth before I was even pregnant with Marley and it totally changed my experience and my expectations around what birth was if anything I think that most people would assume that they would be more frightened after watching birth, but after watching my sister give birth to my nephew, it made me less frightened about birth. I was like, oh, that's how it works. They kind of come out a bit triangle. That makes sense.

Like the head is like a cone. So it really just kind of took a lot of the fear out of it for me. But anyway, she is in labor. We need to get this episode underway. There's been a lot happening as well, guys. Maths was on last night. Like I said, we're recording this Monday. It'll come out tomorrow.

that we sat through the absolute shitstorm fire of surprises that was maths. Well, I did. Britton hasn't watched it yet. I've done my catch-up this morning and Laura and I have just been in hysterics. I actually can't believe how – like when you think that that show couldn't possibly get any worse or any more toxic or any more

lava-filled, it does. It goes out and it trumps itself every single week and it's actually almost laughable. I look at the show now and I'm laughing because I'm like, this is actually – the fact that we're such sickos that want to watch this and encourage these tv shows is baffling to me there was a lot going on on last night's episode and i mean firstly the whole beck trying to cover up her affair by saying that she was kissing her brother there's a lot of interest you know like you know what an affair is one thing

but an affair with your brother is a whole other thing to deal with i love that she thinks that that is the fact that she's saying an incestuous affair is a better excuse than saying i just kiss someone is actually ridiculous because like the first time it was so easy to miss what you what was actually being played on the screen like it was so easy to kind of go like I mean I missed it the first time I was too busy looking at the manhole thinking someone was going to climb through it so I kind of missed what was happening in the corner of the screen so maybe she missed a bit of it and she was like oh oh it was my brother but then when you listen back she's like oh my baby it just gets weirder and weirder quickly to anyone that didn't watch it long long story short

Beck had to leave the show really quickly for a couple of weeks to go and like look after a sick dog while she was away they were supposed to like record different things as they go and send it back to the producers for when they come back so she's come back after a couple of weeks she's handed her phone into the producers but in that time that she was home she was recording something she's obviously forgotten to turn her phone off the phone has fallen onto the ground and it's got this awkward angle of it shooting up into the ceiling you can see the ceiling then in the corner you see her making out with a guy she hasn't even known this has happened she's then given it to the producers unknowingly and they have put her on the spot in front of everyone calling her out for like

making out with someone to which she said oh it was my brother that is the story could you imagine being that producer and stumbling across that little bit of gold you'd be like fuck I have just made this season give me a pay rise oh that they definitely got to pay rise that producer it was it was insane like I mean that was the bombshell that nobody was expecting everybody wanted there is a little part of me and I read a few things this morning that were a bit frightening online with people going to town about Beck this always happens when somebody has behaved so badly and there's been terrible decision making and people have been hurt on reality tv shows it always ends up kicking off in social media as we know always but Booker who is

on the experiment as well she has come out in defense of Beck today because of the absolute like vitriol that she is experiencing and I guess sometimes as much as what it was wildly entertaining entertainment and also something that I think finally people had they're like oh I knew I didn't I knew there was something that you were hiding you know like people kind of felt validated and their reasons for not liking Beck along throughout the series because she has treated Jake pretty poorly but Booker has come out and said I'm not defending the choices that Beck made along the way but please remember that she is a human being complex flawed jaded and sentient just like the rest of us Beck has had to endure a level of cyber bullying and cruelty

from the public that I cannot even comprehend too many mass participants over the years have had to endure the same vile and often violent online abuse that I am seeing Beck receive the lasting impact this cruelty can have on them is utterly fucked and I read that today and I think that sometimes it brings you back down to reality and you go okay you know what yes yes, it's a show. Yes, people make bad decisions. Yes, what she did was incredibly flawed and incredibly selfish, but does the crime fit the punishment? You're doing this cheating on such a huge scale. Most people just cheat in their day-to-day and a few people hate them. Not with their brother.

This is true. But anyway, it's like a good reality check that yes, these things have happened and yes, we can all have our opinions on it, but is it healthy to voice those opinions on social media? Probably not. I absolutely agree. And it's the same thing with all reality TV shows. The Bachelor, we've all been through it married at first sight I feel like it's probably way worse but it's never okay to go on someone else's page and bully them give them death threats send them dms it is completely unacceptable even if you think that in your heart of hearts that is a human on the other end even if we don't agree with what they've done and I cannot stress this enough don't tag your

friends laughing in people's faces don't write nasty things to them for sure if you want to go have a debrief with your friend that's okay but it really really does leave a lasting effect now having said that we're not saying that what Beck did is okay and I want to make it clear my thoughts and opinions and that is I'm glad that people are out defending Beck as well but I don't think it's okay for a woman to cheat and gaslight and not a man because she's a woman I think that if we're going to judge someone to one extent that we need to accept that gaslighting is gaslighting cheating is cheating whether it comes from a woman or a man and there are obviously circumstances behind that that we have to weigh in on and we do have to know and the journey that these guys are

going on I can't even imagine the stress there's a lot that goes on behind closed doors that we will never be privy to we just won't know it oh yeah 100% I do think that sometimes we think that you know gaslighting is a strictly male trait and it's not and this season has shown us that it does not discriminate put it that way women are assholes and men are assholes and we're all a pack of assholes seriously though and I do agree like I think we can be held accountable for those actions, but just being shown on TV and the whole of Australia watching is more than enough of an accountability. The last thing the booker goes on to say, which I thought was just a really awesome way of, I've just haven't heard someone put it in such perfect wording. I'm going

to read this out. It is, if you are trying to make a point about morality and core values by posting cruel shit, take a moment to reflect on where your own morals and core values lie. I thought that that was like a really perfect way to sum this up. However, yes, maths is a dumpster fire. We all enjoy it but this year it's really shown us a lot of toxic behavior and we have had so many conversations off the back of maths because of the conversations that flow from what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship and actually today's podcast episode we're going to be talking about something which we touch on on pretty much all episodes we talk about boundaries we talk about self-worth we talk about knowing your value and and standing up for yourself and all this sort of

hoo-ha, but we've never actually kind of unpacked what does it mean to set boundaries? How does one set boundaries? Because it's all fine to say it, but if you're somebody who struggles setting boundaries in your life, it's like, yes, great. You all keep talking about it, but how the fuck do you actually do this? And if you're someone who's struggling with your self-worth saying, well, in order to feel valued, in order to have boundaries, you need to work on your self-worth. It's kind of redundant as well. Like you need to have the tools and it's a bit of a mental checklist that we're going to do like a health check think of it like that on whether or not you have good self-worth and whether or not you value yourself and what you bring to a relationship

and not just your romantic relationships but your relationships with your friends your relationships at work how you interact with people how you can set boundaries and how you can increase your self-worth that is what we're talking about today however there's a few things we want to talk about first I'm coming in hot with some goss now Colton Underwood you may or may not know that name Colton Underwood was I actually remember I was obsessed with him he was so hot he's a hottie he was a US bachelor a couple of years back now to give you a wrap-up of who he is he was on season 14 of The Bachelorette in the US and that's where we sort of first met Colton he was this rugby player he was a virgin which is why he sort of stood out from everyone else and he was just so

hot he was like this all-american guy because i love an all-american and very christian so you were like how is this guy so hot and so virgin like ah he's saving himself for marriage makes sense well then he went on to start in bachelor in paradise so america fell in love with him even more and i mean australia did too because i loved him then he went on to be the bachelor of season 23 so he was the be all and end all and he ended up falling in love with this girl named cassie Randolph. They had this tumultuous on-off relationship on The Bachelor, but it was very obvious that he was adamant. He was chasing her and he wanted to be with her. Then they had this beautiful love story that only went on for a little while. They broke up and no one really

knew why they broke up. It all seemed very G-rated to the outside world after they broke up. Everyone was like, wow, that's a really respectful, kind and amicable breakup. So strange that they couldn't make it work. And then a couple of days ago on Good Morning America, Colton went on and came out as gay. I've ran from myself for a long time. I've hated myself for a long time and I'm gay. And I came to terms with that earlier this year and have been processing it. And the next step in all of this was sort of letting people know I'm like the happiest and healthiest I've ever been in my life. And that means the world to me. So this has sort of left America America stunned. And the reason we wanted to talk about this was how long has he known this? How

long has he been battling this? Everyone wanted to know if he knew when he went on The Bachelorette originally and Bachelor in Paradise and then shooing The Bachelor. Was that fair that he did that when he knew? Was he trying to work it out? But the interesting thing about this and why we want to bring it up is firstly, America is really, really on his side and praising him for coming out and working out who he is and going through that. And I think so are we and so everyone should. it's really hard to work out your sexuality and who you are and what you want. He was obviously battling this incredibly with his religious beliefs and coming from a really religious family. He did come out and say he did not want to be gay. So he thought he was fighting that.

I read something that he had said, which was someone said to him, why did you go on and be the bachelor if you felt that you could be gay? And he said, because I didn't know I was gay and I had asked God to direct me. I said, I didn't want to be gay. I asked God to direct me. Then he was offered the bachelor position. He said, he honestly thanked God for saying, thank you for showing me I'm not gay. And this opportunity is for me to meet my female partner. So I can't imagine, you know, I've had friends that have battled this in the past and I can't imagine what it feels like to be trying to fight who you are. And then also to try and navigate your sexuality in a very public forum. We all know that people who come off the bachelor here have

notoriety but in the states it's tenfold like the series is humongous over there and there's millions of eyes and millions of people watching there has been conversation about a netflix series being made around colton underwood coming out as gay and his self-exploration his discovery like how he navigates this part of his life and what led him to want to talk about it openly to cover sort of how he's now living authentically the thing though that has been a little bit problematic around this and something that's been hugely swept under the carpet is that the breakup between Cassie Randolph and Colton was not all peaches and roses as what we were led to believe and there were articles that came out and statements that came out at the end of last year which was that

Colton had actually obsessively harassed stalked and put a GPS tracker on Cassie Randolph's car so he had also treated her with some very frightening controlling and obsessive behavior which is also illegal. She took out a restraining order against him and they had settled outside of court on all of this. A lot of this conversation has been swept under the carpet, but there is a petition that started because they're wanting to boycott the Netflix series because there is a huge group of people who don't think that somebody who has been guilty of these offenses towards a woman should be given a platform, no matter even if it meant that he then had to find out his sexuality as a byproduct of that but people shouldn't be hurt in the process that's the thing i think that

the question here is like just because he was discovering his sexuality doesn't give a right to stalk harass and treat a woman in that way we can't just sweep the bad things under the carpet because we're like oh great you now know who you are as a person no and it's pretty obvious that everybody under the sun in america wants to get their hands on colton they want to interview him they want to make their documentaries on him they want him on their magazines they want him on their shows it's almost obvious that he has said to them I will come and interview with you if these questions are not asked if it's not discussed about the stalking and the harassment because it's it's just literally like it didn't happen which is why we wanted to we are so supportive

of him coming out I absolutely love that for him but I think it's really important that we don't sweep it under the rug that you know he was stalking and harassing someone that had to take out an AVO and he has had one statement so he did address the allegations once but it was in an unaired segment of his Good Morning America interview, but it has made its way out into the world. And he says, I made mistakes in the end of that relationship and I ruined the good memories we had by my actions and what I did to hold on to me being straight because I didn't want to look myself in the mirror. For that, I'm extremely sorry. Now, no, I hate this statement because I feel like that is totally downplaying. You can say, yeah, look, I hate that I did things

because I was struggling. No, there's no onus in that statement that says, well, I acknowledge that I stalked, harassed and intimidated a woman and made her feel so frightened that she needed to get a restraining order out against me because my behavior was completely unacceptable. There's no ownership in that statement. And I think that that's the thing that's really infuriated some people around this. And I guess with coming out as gay and with him doing very publicly on Good Morning America, he has been given the opportunity to rewrite his narrative and people are really celebrating him and heroing him for being so brave to do so. But in the process, we're forgetting that actually we cannot just ignore one thing that's happened and hurting people doesn't have

to be a by-product. And you know what? Sometimes we are going to hurt people whilst we try and figure out who we are and work through our own junk, but there has to be some acknowledgement of that hurt and there has to be real remorse for it and I don't know I just feel like it hasn't quite made amends there's something lacking in this conversation for me I think that it's all become about how wonderful his coming out story is and there hasn't been enough onus on like okay but that coming out story has really damaged somebody else well there's a man called Brett Vergara and he's part of the bachelor diversity campaign he had a great comment that he put out to the public it was first I'm glad to see Colton more at peace and happy that he can live more as

his true authentic self I'll always be in support of that but that does not excuse the abusive manipulative and literally illegal stalking behavior he displayed in his past relationship and I think that that is very true and that is really important people are going to support him but do we support him to the level where we give him a whole another platform I'm not saying we shouldn't I'm not saying we should I just find it a really interesting conversation and I'm actually looking forward to seeing what happens with that and where it goes yeah me too I guess the last thing that I want to say on this is that I have heard quite and when we were doing our research I did see quite a few conversations around this and there were some conversations going back and

forth which was that he absolutely should not apologize for the fact that he was figuring out his sexuality and you know there's been some people posing the question should he apologize to the women who he was dating on the show should he apologize to his ex-fiancee for leading them on basically this was the questioning and no I don't think that anybody should ever have to apologize for their sexuality whatsoever like we're all entitled to live our lives authentically and however long it takes us to figure out who we are that's part of our journey however if we have casualties along the way because we're figuring out our junk and we're taking it out on other people other people are not punching bags to help us figure out who we are and if that does happen

which in this case definitely has then I think that people are owed an apology and I think you I'm not saying this because I'm a martyr by any means. I have hurt people whilst I have gotten through my own personal junk. And I think in reflection, those people deserve apologies. It's not like, well, whilst you're hurt, you can do whatever you want to other people so long as you get to a point of self-enlightenment. No, I think we're responsible for the damage that we do to other people. Imagine having a big fight with your partner on the street, right?

And you're swinging your arms around and you're having this big argument. And then you accidentally hit someone and pass it by in the head with your hand, swinging around manically. you turn around and you say sorry they were a byproduct of you figuring your shit out this is my example it's like you're not apologizing because you meant to go out and hurt them but you're apologizing because regardless of your intentions they did get hurt in you figuring your shit out so totally and on a greater scale you know people have childhood trauma people have ex-relationship trauma not just relative to sexuality but we're all figuring our shit out

all of us and on different levels and scales of what is and isn't traumatic we're all getting over something in life or have gotten to a point where we're over it but the thing is is like we still have to be responsible for the impact that we have on other people and I'm the first person 100% to say that people make mistakes people can rewrite their story people can if they own it and get help for whatever they're doing that we don't have to necessarily hold anything against those people what I would like to see one day if this is contradictory to what we've just said if he can come out and say you know like i was so sorry i've got help for that and anything else that goes with that it would be pretty cool to see a gay bachelor totally like to have all the men there

and whether that's him or that someone else it doesn't matter but i think that would be especially for america where their platform is like millions and millions and millions of people it would be amazing to see a gay bachelor the issue with a gay bachelor is how logistically would it work because if you had a whole heap of hot guys in a house but that is and but that's the problem and that's what they've openly said before they're like it'll be like no one wants the one bachelor because they'll all just pair off in the house but it'd be fun to watch just on from that in regards to the netflix series i think we can kind of sometimes be very quick to shut something down before it's been fully fleshed out or realized if they were to do a netflix series on colton's

coming out i would hope that that netflix series encompassed and really addressed what happened there I really hope that it isn't just glorifying or showing how empowered it is for him that he's acknowledging who he is as a person but it is also really delving into the dark times and what that implication and what that caused and it does cover the fact that he's stalked and harassed and I hope that it covers everything in its completeness and those things aren't swept under the carpet because we're so wanting to see this empowered coming out story so at Netflix if you're listening If you're going to do it, do all of it, do it properly, show the good and the bad and the pretty and the ugly, the celebration and the whole journey it took to get there. Like put it out in

the open that he did go through this period, but he has gotten help and he's come out on the other side, a better person. Without all the complexities being discussed, it's problematic. And I think that's why people will boycott it. So interesting to see that one. Well, I think that is enough from us before we get into our favorite part of the episode. And that is accidentally unfiltered. now accidentally unfiltered for anybody who is new is where you guys send in your most embarrassing stories and we read them out and we all laugh together at you and at your expense but together as a community because we all build each other up here at life i'm gonna start with one of that just this little thing that happened to me this week if you're like an avid listener of life

uncut you'll know that this happens to me all the time and you think that i would learn from my mistakes but I don't I often tell you guys about my typos that I do when I'm sending out emails to clients or business emails or whatever because I've got I have two laptops quite often I'm doing two things at once I've got a thousand things in my brain I type too quickly and I don't go back and read it and I just send it so you all know that I did the email a few weeks ago where I went to say hello Sian and I said hello Asian her name is Sian yeah I know but it's it's this is someone who we work with and her name is Sian yeah hey Sian I know you're listening it's Irish but I just say it in my head I read it phonetically S-I-A-N Sian but anyway I wanted to just pretend

that never happened and fall into a hole in the ground but I have done it again but at least this one was more of me so yesterday I was writing an email and my fingers must be moving too quickly and I always sign off as Brit B-R-I-T-T I never write Brittany because it's just easier to say brit with a kiss my fingers must have got a little bit excited i went to write b-r-i-t-t and press send and i went b-r-i-t-t enter but it signed off as brit tit like it went b-r-i-t-t-i-t like i added an extra and it put a space that went warmest brit tit and i was like well i i don't know how i can do this i don't know kind regards brit tit brit tit have a great day with your tits she's gonna think that that's like my nickname she's next time she's gonna write back she's like hey

Actually, we received another message just before, and I wasn't going to say this as an accidentally unfiltered because it was too brief. So somebody had written in with an accidentally unfiltered story, which is actually, it's a very dark comedy. It's just bordering funny, but not funny at the same time. Someone had passed away and she had replied to this text message. So she'd received a message saying, hey, I'm just letting you know this person has passed away.

And she went to write back, oh God. And all she wrote back was, oh good. And then left it. like what the fuck it's like it's we're laughing it's not actually funny but it's the most it is the most unfortunate autocorrect you could have like that situation do you know what another really unfortunate one is my mum used to think that lol stood for lots of love and she actually wrote lol at the bottom of somebody's really memorative photo that they had posted being like it's been a year since blah blah blah passed away and my mum wrote lol i think my mum used to think

it was lots of love too but that makes sense no it truly doesn't anyway let's get into these accidentally unfiltered. Okay. I'm going to go first and I have a real goodie and it never ever gets old that as soon as these embarrassing things happen to you guys, you want to send them to us like straight away. I live for it. Okay. Last night I stayed at my friend's house and she lives in an apartment. I was so fucking drunk that I slept on her couch, absolutely stuckers. And at some point throughout my sleep, I decided I needed to get up and go to the toilet. Well, let me tell you, it all went wrong from here. So I must've slept walked to what I thought was the bathroom but to my surprise i walked out her front door into the apartment hallway and was

suddenly woken up by the slam of her front door i then realized in that moment i had locked myself out of her apartment but fucking naked and was unable to get back in i knocked and i knocked and she couldn't hear me i needed to go to the toilet so bad that i ended up going into the bin chute room and popping a squat now this isn't the rest of the story so it doesn't fall down the Someone tried to walk in the door to put their rubbish in the bin and I had to stop them from seeing what they're about to see. I had to scream, no, don't come in. I'm butt naked and I'm locked out of my apartment. This guy was so confused and he walked away. I then moments later see a hand come through the door and he has gotten his partner to get me a towel to cover up and then

ring the intercom to my friend's apartment to wake her. She wakes up and herself comes to the door butt fucking naked she was just as pissed as I was I ran into the apartment I was so embarrassed I went back just then with some spray and wipe to clean up my urine out of the bin chute room and then like four hours later she messages again and she goes update I made contact with the neighbors and they thought I was a junkie trying to rob the place oh god so bad from last week's episode we spoke about laura's old dating story where the guy she was seeing basically locked himself out naked sleepwalking and ended up in an office somewhere but we asked you guys to send us your sleepwalking stories in and i can't believe a how many of you sleepwalk and b how many like

horrific hilarious things have happened to you sleepwalking so we're going to collate them and put them in another episode this last week i think we have received some of the best accidentally unfiltered stories that we have ever got so we keep teasing a bonus episode but it is coming i promise we are putting it because then every week we're like we don't have time to stop over committing no it is coming i'm putting it here i'm putting it down i'm not going to say in print what do we say i'm putting it down in the record so we have to stay committed to this it is coming all right brit it's time for your accidentally unfiltered you just remember that and everyone when it doesn't come it was lauren on me i have one today that's concerning for me

I'm reading it out because, not that I think it's that funny, but I think it's fucked up. It's so fucked up. And I think it's a really good intro to our chat today about boundaries. Here we go. I have an accidentally unfiltered story from my first ever proper boyfriend about 13 years ago, and it still haunts me to this day. Not just because of what happened, but also because somehow I stayed with him for another year after this event, which also surprises a lot of people when I tell them.

we're in the shower together one morning just innocently and I had my back to him as I was lathering myself up with the suds I turned around and he was facing me and I saw that he had this really weird concentrated look on his face and then he had one hand behind his back I said uh what have you got there kiddo he then brought his arm around from behind his back put out his hand and proudly presented to me a big fuck off massive log of shit he had a log of shit like can we just think about this for a moment he had legit stood there and pushed one out into his hand while standing up in the shower with me like it was no biggie and then he tried to hand it to me like some sort of surprise gift it's so wrong and so like it's wrong on every level i screamed and

ran out of the shower naked almost sleeping and breaking my neck along the way i ran into the bedroom and closed the door while i tried to process what had just happened i could hear him singing and whistling in the shower as he finished like nothing had happened once he got out and came into the bedroom all i could say was what did you do with it and he simply replied oh i just stepped it down the drain with my big toe i am sorry this is the most disgusting thing i have read in a long time if someone did a log of poo in their hand i can't even standing up straight He was erect. It was vertical.

And then caught it. A, what are you eating that your poo is so long and hard that you can hold it in your hand? Who can snap it off? Yeah, mine don't do that. That's a really good fibre gut right there. And what part of him thought it was okay to hand it to her like, you know, remember South Park, Mr. Stinky, the poo? Does anyone know that?

The Christmas poo? So this is a really prime example for me. I think it was Mr. Hanky. Is it? I think so. The Christmas poo, Mr. Hanky. Mr. Hanky, the Christmas poo. Anyway.

Mr. Stinky is a better name. we don't need to unpack this for you guys but I feel like this is a really good segue into boundaries because I mean one of my main boundaries I've got a few but one of mine is don't shit in the shower and you hand it to me that's me I think it's important to talk about how boundaries can be fluid but then you can also have firm boundaries and I would say that that's probably a very firm boundary it's a picket fence that one I reckon that everybody not nobody has shat in the shower with a significant other but I reckon everybody has shat in the shower at least once in their life, which is how you discover that you don't.

What? No, they have not, Laura. Yes, they have. Not everyone has. No. Okay, there is something really wrong with you right now. Not everyone. I have never, hand on heart, scouts honour, have I shat in the shower.

You're a better person than me, Brittany. Okay, but I was a kid. I was a little kid. I would have been like seven and I was like, I need to do a poo. And I vividly remember doing a poo in the shower and then being like, holy shit, doesn't just flush down the drain. You've got to stomp that thing down. and i have never done it since i was a kid i feel like all kids figure this out the hard way that's

how you learn you expose yourself to new experiences britney not my mom said you should the toilet not the shower britney and that's how i learned i remember i would have been about seven maybe six and i did a poo in the shower and then i stomped it down and i was so scared that my mom would know that i did a poo in the shower the only time that i would do a poo in the shower is literally if i was on my deathbed with gastro and you know when you're vomiting and pooing at the same time you need to sit in the shower that would be it i would never be like i can't be bothered to walk the two steps to the toilet so i'll do it here well so i was little and in a house growing up the shower wasn't in the same room as the toilet so it wasn't two steps it was

the entire length of the house i would have had to gotten off towel dried gone to the toilet and then gone back in the shower so i was like let's just see what happens anyway maybe we'll put up a poll maybe more people have put in the shower don't unless they're sick they don't do it like They hand down, though. That'll definitely end up in Daily Mail. Laura shits in the shower. And it won't say when or how. I know.

It'll just be like last week. Fuckers. Okay, let's get into the episode. All right, guys. With the recent airing of the absolute toxic dumpster fire that was maths, and something happened on last night's episode that really solidified why I wanted to do this conversation. And it wasn't the making out with the brother. It was not the incestuous affair.

why we wanted to talk about setting boundaries, how to do that and how to really increase your self-worth. So what happened last night on maths, if you guys didn't see it, basically there has been this ongoing rumor that Bryce has a secret girlfriend. Which wasn't a secret, he for sure did. Yes. And lo and behold, Melissa has stood up for him time and time again. She has denied any of like the red flags that people have been telling her. She has absolutely refused to believe when the other contestants have said, look, someone from the outside world has contacted me. And on last night's episode, they had video footage of Bryce's friends after what you would call, I guess, their hometown visit, discussing the secret girlfriend and confirming that it was

true. And they showed this footage to Melissa and Melissa still sat there, even though she saw it, even though she had the proof that she'd always said that she wanted, she still said, I'm not leaving. I love this man and I'm going to stay. And then Booker said something. And this, the conversation that followed is the part that really struck me as something that I was like, we need to talk about this. So Booker said, I have received phone calls from people in the outside world. And that Bryce has a girlfriend. I have told you, Liam has received phone calls from people in the outside world. Liam has told you other people in this experiment have heard things and been told things and we have told you are you telling me that moving forward if we find

out something about what Bryce has done or how you've been treated or how you've been lied to that you don't want to know about it and Melissa said yes I don't want to know about it anymore in that moment I just felt so just so sad for her and so sad that you could be at a point in a relationship where you think I don't care what my partner's done wrong I don't want you to tell me because I'm not going to leave them anyway. So what she was saying in that sentence is it doesn't matter if you tell me that he's cheated on me, even if it's true, I'm not going to leave. And there does come a point in this conversation where we have to talk about self-worth and setting boundaries and the fear of someone leaving you cannot be greater than your own self-worth.

That's what we have to kind of have as a benchmark. Like we said at the beginning of the episode, this is maths. It's not all real. A lot of it's edited. A lot of it's inflamed. We don't know exactly what happened in their relationship but what we saw on tv is a really great basis for a conversation around what are boundaries how do we create boundaries for ourself and how do we improve our self-worth so that we can make sure that we're setting ourself up for healthy relationships not just in our personal romantic relationships but in all the relationships and interactions that we have with people in our lives one thing that i have learned from you know just going through the shit storm of the last 10 years is just being alive just living one thing i

I've learned from living is where there's smoke there's fire and I cannot reiterate that enough like that is such a great strong saying to me in this case with Bryce and Melissa it's one thing for her to not accept a rumor when one person says it and I can applaud that if someone tells you a rumor you go to your partner and you ask them up front the reason you're with your partner is because you trust them that is why you're with them he's given her an answer she's believed it she's moved on when there is this much smoke coming from this many independent fires you can't deny that it hasn't happened like his friends have done it people have called other sources they're so concerned for her that they're like you need to go and tell your friend that this is true

and like Laura said seeing that she would rather turn a blind eye what that is doing is very sad for her but it's setting a precedence in that relationship that that is what is acceptable and that is tolerable and that he can do whatever he wants he can cheat on her he can gaslight her he can lie to her and that he can still have her essentially that is what her behavior is telling him and I would hate to see what's going to happen in the future knowing that he knows that he can do this on a public level and not get called out so he's 100% gotten away with cheating and gaslighting and now he knows it's okay whether he reigns it in a little while because he's on a public platform now and people will be watching them like a hawk or not this is also a very extreme case of not

having any boundaries at all. Like I think, you know, there's definitely different layers of this. We can have soft boundaries with our friends, which might just be, you know, you're encroaching too much on my time and I'm not getting enough of my own personal me time. It could be at work where you're being asked to do jobs, which are so far outside your skillset. For example, you might get to work and your boss might be saying, pour me a bowl of cereal when you come in. Like, no, I'm not going to do that. I'm the head architect. I'm not making you cereal. There's nothing that, there's no skill that that's actually, you know, teaching me. I don't need to pour your cereal, or get it yourself. You misogynistic. Unless you're the personal assistant, you have to do

everything he says. But so this is all about just like, you need to set boundaries early in relationships. Not like once you've been together for five years or six years, that's not to say that you can't do it later on in a relationship, but it's a lot harder. The thing is you need to start setting the boundaries and conditioning people for the way that you want to be treated from the very first meeting, because people become accustomed to it. And then it's much harder to change someone's behavior than what it is to from the get-go assert really strong boundaries really strong self-worth for them that to flow into a healthy relationship in the future what we are taught as well is and what i have read is the reason it's so hard because there

are a lot of adults that don't have the right boundaries in place and the reason we're told this is is because we learn our behavior from when we're young most young people in their first relationships they don't know about boundaries yet because they're trying to figure their shit out which is so fine that's how we learn but one thing that the psychologists say we don't learn is from this behavior until we're like late 20s and into our early 30s so it's really important that you go into your new relationship not in the same way you've gone into your old relationships but you need to know before you enter a relationship if possible what it is that's acceptable for you what it is you want and where you want to go personally and in your relationship

because if you can go into a relationship or your new job or a friendship, if you can go into any situation confident in yourself and knowing what is and is not okay and what is and is not acceptable in a relationship, you're setting yourself up for a far better, longer and healthier relationship. Okay. So let's like unpack what is a boundary. I know that we've all heard of this being thrown around before. Every single self-help group will talk about boundaries. Britt and I talk about boundaries all the time. But it's something that's very, like I said, very easy to talk about. A lot of people find it very, very hard to action within their own life. So a boundary is a physical or metaphorical line between ourselves and others. Setting a boundary means requiring better

treatment by others and not allowing someone else to run over you. A boundary provides a protective parameter around us, allowing us to operate comfortably within it. And depending on your personalities and your life experiences, some of us have stronger boundaries and are more reliant on those boundaries than others. Women are more at risk of being very fluid with their boundaries than what men are. And there's been a lot of studies that have gone into why we as women often will be flexible with our boundaries or will shape our boundaries and change our boundaries depending on what relationship we're in. And that is because deep seated, there is a conditioned want to please people. And there is also a nurturing side of that. So the more empathetic

that you are, the more nurturing that you are, the less firm boundaries you may have in your life. So it's not necessarily a quality of weakness, having loose boundaries, but it is a quality of really wanting to either please other people, wanting other people to like you or being fearful of losing something that you have. Personal boundaries and self-esteem, they do go hand in hand and taking responsibility for your own actions, not blaming other people. These are the two pillars of a really, really important book called Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. So this is a really good book that just from what we've researched online, that if you are looking into self-esteem or you're looking to boundaries, you can go and read that online. But generally

speaking, people with high self-esteem and high self-worth, they usually have really good strong boundaries because they know where they are, they know what they want, and they know how to get there. So practicing strong personal boundaries, it is one way to build self-esteem. And I think the connection between boundaries and self-worth is fascinating so if you know that you're in a relationship that is not what you want and it is not healthy maybe you need to look at why we are going to go through some things but is it because you are afraid that you will not meet anyone else is it afraid that no one else will love you if you leave because behavior is unacceptable is it because you don't feel like you're good enough for anyone else is it because you don't feel like

you're good enough for the person you're in the relationship with I know for me my boundaries now fucking so strong that it's like hard for anyone to even get in this it's like I put a fence up that I'm like this is how it is this is what I want this is what I'll accept but it was not always like that it took me like realistically probably almost till I was 30 and I dated a lot of people over that 10 years guys but my toxic relationship he I'm not proud to say it he walked all over me I let him treat me so poorly. The way he spoke to me, the way he acted, the lies, the gaslighting, the cheating, the disappointment. I mean, I knew that he was monitoring my online activity where I was and I buried it. I let it fly. But did it happen slowly or was it

something that was there from the very get-go? Because I think that sometimes these, and this is like an extreme case of it, but I think that sometimes your boundaries can slip so slowly that you almost don't recognize that it's happening. For me, it was very slow because it started off fantastic and loving and great. I thought I had the boundaries. I was like, this is what I want. I wanted this loving partner who wanted to do everything for me and wanted to know where I was all the time. For me, it was very slow, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't see a lot of red flags along the way. Well, one of the things that's really interesting about setting boundaries in your relationships is that often there's this fear that if you set boundaries, you're going

to push people away or someone's going to think that you're being mean or that you're being too hard and so we are fearful of doing that we're fearful of saying no for fear of upsetting someone else but actually setting boundaries is a way of strengthening your relationships because normal healthy relationships that other person is going to go oh okay there's a sense of vulnerability there and like we always say there's power and vulnerability if you sit down and have a really genuine vulnerable open conversation with someone around why they have crossed your boundaries why they have hurt you and why you feel the way you do and the thing is is when your boundaries have been broken or when someone is encroaching on them you're going to feel resentful you're going

to feel angry you're going to feel burnt out this is the byproduct of not having firm boundaries in place so if you sit down with someone who cares about you and who you care about and say this is how I'm feeling then that actually creates a deeper bond with that person and a deeper level of understanding if it doesn't like if you set boundaries and it creates issues in your relationship then that's probably a flag that that relationship isn't healthy anyway, because only somebody who is codependent or toxic or wants to control you is going to have issues with you setting boundaries. It is a human right to have boundaries. It's a human right to be able to say no and protect your wellbeing and your own mental health. Every single person needs to be able to exercise

this in order to be happy and in order to just not give so much of themselves and leave nothing left in the tank for themselves. So some examples of what unhealthy boundaries look like, because it's very easy for us to sit here and say, put your boundary up. Don't have an unhealthy boundary. Don't have an unhealthy relationship. It's like, think about, have you ever seen two friends? And I feel like everyone has this. You've got these two friends and when they're together or when you're with them, it's fantastic. It's awesome. But then these friends will nonstop complain to you about each other behind their back. That's unhealthy. That is not a normal friendship. It's like Laura and I are hanging out all the time. Then me going to someone and complaining nonstop

about her and Laura going complaining non-stop about me it's like it's not a healthy relationship if that's the problem we should be having open communication with each other and that's back to what I said as well about this idea of resentment if you are having those relationships where like face to face it's great but really you have this underlying feud happening that you haven't voiced and like we've all done this don't get me wrong I'm sure there have been times where Britt has gone behind my back and been like oh fuck I'm really frustrated with Laura but there's a level of resentment there that hasn't been discussed and then a good friendship you go and you have a conversation and you work out why you're feeling that way and then it resolves it

and then you get back to a place where you can be really happy and your friendship is even deeper and better and I know like oh we have had so many frustrations with each other like you like we are we are seriously such close friends and Britt knows me better than anyone and I know her better than anyone as well and like I love our friendship this we're gonna have a moment right now I fucking love you okay not planned no I love you and I love our friendship we have absolutely over the course the last two years had moments where we have been so frustrated with each other and it's been difficult to communicate that straight away because sometimes it takes a little while to understand why you feel frustrated personally for me I was never frustrated at Brit as a person

but I was frustrated by the amount of work that this podcast took up at one point in time because I just didn't have the hours in the day and it made me really it almost made me feel anxious all the time because I knew that I had to edit after we finished recording and then that feeling of like well I've got to go home and do eight more hours on this made me feel really resent and that all compounded and the reason it compounded is because I hadn't sat down with Brit and had an honest conversation around the fact that I was giving so much of myself above and beyond what I could actually sustain in my time and therefore I was starting to feel resentful I was starting to feel unappreciated and in that conversation we made changes and everything is freaking great now

you know and that's the thing like in a really great relationship you can have vulnerable honest conversations about what is upsetting you and then that sets a new precedent or a new boundary and often more so than not it can be about time restraints and people wanting too much of your time absolutely and that's like a crucial thing any time that Laura and I have had a frustration with each other we've always spoken about it even if it's not that day or a day later or a week later we always come back to each other and we both end up feeling really bad about it and we're like I didn't know we didn't know this and I feel sorry because we would never want to hurt each other's feelings in anything but the thing is with every relationship in your whole life your partner

your work your friends your family you're different humans that look at things in a different way that have different opinions that have different boundaries that have different expectations and you can't expect anyone else in your life to just know what yours are without communicating it. So like our number one thing is communication. The next thing is like an example of maybe you're single and your friend's in a relationship and they won't go out partying with you or they won't meet you for a coffee or they can't do anything because their partner doesn't like when they go out with them or their partner doesn't like having too much time away. That is an unhealthy relationship for you guys in a friendship because they're just completely disregarding you but it's

also an unhealthy relationship that they're sitting in as a couple saying that I can't do this because my partner doesn't like it it's not like they're saying I can't cheat on my partner because he doesn't like it it's saying I can't go out to dinner like you know there's a level of controlling there and obviously I can't have sex with my brother because my partner sorry it's definitely something that is and we said at the beginning boundaries are fluid if that is what works for you and you are actually happy with it then it doesn't really matter if you know that you're doing something against your will, you know that you're saying, I can't go out with you because my partner doesn't want me to, even though you've really, really, really want

to go out with them, then that is a prime example of an unhealthy boundary. That's something you need to go back to your partner and say, this is something that's really important to me. This is what I want to do. And I can't be in a relationship where you don't let me live my life. If you're somebody who really struggles with setting boundaries in your relationships, whether it be work or whether it be your romantic relationships, there are five statements which I want you to say to yourself? And these are, you are worthy. Say these affirmations in the mirror. No, it is, I have a right to say no without feeling guilty. I have a right to be treated with respect. I have a right to make my needs as important as others. I have a right to be

accepting of my mistakes and my failures. And I have a right not to meet others' unreasonable expectations of me. And like Brit said, you have to communicate what is an unreasonable expectation. you know you cannot assume that everybody knows exactly what you're thinking and feeling and you have to follow your gut if your body is telling you that after you have an interaction with someone or after someone asks you to do something you say yes but you feel angry about it then that's your body telling you hey a fundamental boundary here's being crossed and it's up to you to voice how you feel about that it's up to you to start putting parameters in place and I know that there is a lot of self-help books out there and stuff that say and we've said it before in

this podcast you just have to say no and no needs to be a firm no and I say yes to everything that's my thing I've got no boundary to that we're so bad with it but also I think no we think it's a really aggressive word and sometimes it does come across and sound aggressive without giving an explanation behind and if you're someone who really struggles to say no without justifying your reasoning maybe do a soft no instead of instead of just a no work yourself up to it Maybe it's a, sorry, I can't. Maybe it's a, no, this isn't a priority for me at this point in time or no, I'm not able to because of this. Maybe it is okay for you to give some sort of justification because going in with a hard no is a bit overwhelming. And also there's some

situations where you can't just go in for a no, like at work. You can't just say no. You have to explain why it's a no. You've got to, you've got to put forward your case. Laura, we really need to record the podcast. No, it doesn't work. No, I'm time poor because my sister's in labor and I'm going to the hospital. Perfect. That's setting personal boundaries. That's prioritizing different things in my life. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And saying yes to everything is what creates this burnout. We talked about it loads on our episode, which was hustle culture. But I think that these things really all tie into each other. Oh, 100%. Look, I actually think I've got a pretty happy medium with it. I was trying to think of like, what is my boundary that I need to work on?

because I do have a lot of really really good strong boundaries in place but one of them that I am bad at is I I will say no to people that are not in my close circle like if somebody that I've a friend of a friend has said come to my party I'll say no like I don't really know you don't really have time I won't say that to them but I'm like hey I can't if I have a probably like I can count them on two hands the people in my life that I can basically never say no to Laura could call me at any time of the day or night with anything and I'd be like she could call me at 1 a.m be like I really need a coffee and I'll be like no worries I'll just grab yep cool I'll be there in a minute like there's people but I would actually never do that to you that's the thing

don't make it sound like I call you at one she doesn't could you come up here and give me a foot massage but my point is that I don't know if that's a boundary thing or not I don't know if that's just because I love to love and care for the people that I do have in my circle so they my point is Laura would never ask me to do that but if she did I would do it that's my point but I would be like sure I am not doing anything else I will come up but that's okay because that's what I have said is okay in my life. Because I know in myself I'm happy to, I won't resent the person. The problem comes when you're saying yes to people and doing things for people that you actually don't want to do. That's when the resentment comes and that's when the problems

come. That's when you need to start with your soft nose. And also when we talk about this idea of boundaries and we say that there's like a hard line sand and then there's often like a little bit more fluidity into it. It also changes in the relationship and also depends on how long you've been with someone. For example, Matt and I have a really healthy relationship or I think it's really healthy. You know, we fight from time to time like any couple does, like we have our normal tips. We bicker about normal bickering shit, but overall our relationship is really great. We love and we trust each other and we have really healthy boundaries, which is something that I've not had in any past relationship. And it's something that I'm really, like it makes me really feel safe and

secure. And I'm really proud of that we have this in this relationship. If Matt cheated on me, that would 100% be crossing my hard boundary. Would I break up with him because of that? No, I would work through that. It doesn't mean that the boundary hasn't been crossed. It doesn't mean that I haven't been betrayed, but if he showed up to that conversation and was immensely sorry, was never going to do it again. And we worked through it, worked the drunk as to why it happened, then you can overcome these. It's not like you have a boundary. And as soon as someone breaks it you're like fuck you we are broken up it doesn't have to be that but it is knowing that there has to be a consequence when a boundary is broken right because if there's no consequence

then what's the point in having them this comes into the next conversation the next chapter of this conversation which is how to set your boundaries so again like it's easy for us to say have them but how to set them so the number one thing is literally set your boundaries write down or know in yourself what you will and will not tolerate what behaviors you will accept and you will not accept. And this is your family, your partner, your friends, the postman, your colleagues, like you just have to know. And the second one goes into what Laura said, which is once you know your boundaries, you need to decide what the consequences are if someone does encroach or break one of these boundaries or one of these rules. So this is going to happen at some

stage, right? Someone is going to cross a line at some stage. If you don't know what your consequence is, it's going to be really difficult when you're on the spot and you're probably going to be biased by that person too especially if it's a partner you're going to probably let more slide than you would want to because you love them and you have this emotional relationship so you need to decide from the get-go don't get sucked in on the spot don't tell yourself if he does this one more time i'm leaving i swear to god one more time only for him to do it again and then you're like okay that's cool cutie what do you want for dinner yeah we'll work through it a second time fool me once fool me twice like laura she's like i would work through it the first time but you probably know that your

boundary is if he did that again oh my god his ass would be on the curve but yeah no and that's what i mean you can have a behavior or something can be broken once because we're human you know we all make mistakes we're all gonna accidentally not that cheating is an accident you know you don't accidentally fall into another human but you know you accidentally fall on their dick laura it's not that they're accidents but we all make bad choices at different points in our life and we can all put on too much pressure onto our friends we can all expect too much of other people because we, we all have the propensity to be a little bit selfish at times, but if someone is continuously doing it, then you have to figure out what your consequences are. And you know,

that is a very clear cut black and white one, but what if it's a situation where it's with your friend, for example, and maybe your friend is just super emotionally draining and they are constantly coming to you and expecting so much of you and your time. And it's a very intense and all encompassing friendship that you're not getting a lot out of anymore, but you feel indebted to say yes to because you're worried about what impact it would have on your friend if you were to say no. Look, Laura, it's a long-distance relationship. I'm sorry that I've been unloading on you. No, this is not you. I'm joking. If you have a situation with a friend like that, the consequences aren't going to be that you're

going to break up with your friend, but the consequences might be that you sit down, you have an open conversation. Honestly, conversations are usually the consequence that happens when a boundary is being broken. You sit down, you have a conversation and you explain why you're feeling the way you're feeling and what you need as a friend in order to get back to being in a place where you feel comfortable and that could be pushing back saying no and saying look you know I'm really sorry but you're expecting too much of me so the next up is just to make sure that you once you've set your boundaries once you know what the consequences are the next thing is to make sure that you actually follow through with them now even if

I'm only going back to Laura and Matt's example because it's consistent it's just a match cheated on her she's like cool I know my boundary is that I'll work through that Matt cheats on her again she knows that that was her hard no boundary so she needs to follow through with that and leave so she says it's over I'm done even if they then go and work it out at a later point he knows that that definitely was the hard no like she's I can't walk all over anymore because she I did actually nearly lose her and I mean this is a bad example but I'm just trying to say that you 100% need to follow through you can't put an empty thread out to someone if you do it again it's done and then it's not done all that does is set a precedent that you can be walked all over

and that you are a doormat conversely to that it is one thing for us to say that you do have to have boundaries but it's another thing to say that you still do have to be a bit flexible and be able to meet people halfway sometimes and I'm going to give you an example of what I mean by this especially when it's with like somebody you love you might have a boundary or you might say to your partner I'm very independent I don't need to speak to you every single day it doesn't mean I don't love you anymore but maybe if I don't call you at night that's okay it doesn't mean anything if your partner has been through a really traumatic event and they say to you it's really important for me that we check in with each other every night that's okay to bend that boundary

because that's something that you can meet halfway and why can't you just call and check in because you know that it helps your partner so it's important to be like if it doesn't actually put you out and you still have to want it you can't be doing something you don't want if it's not putting you out to call for five minutes and say how are you and check in because you know it's going to put your partner at ease then that's okay it's a really funny one isn't it because I think one of the, like something I struggled with early in my relationships was personal space and not personal space for myself, but I really struggled with when my partner would want personal space.

I took it as an offense. I took it that they didn't want to be around me and. Which they didn't, but that's not necessarily bad. That's my, well, they didn't, they wanted, they wanted some personal space. That's what personal space is, but it's not necessarily negative. Totally. But I think it can be offensive and it can feel like rejection, but I think it's really healthy, you know, to have time apart.

and I guess this is something that I navigated in a past relationship but this all came down to personal boundaries one of my exes wanted to have at least a night a week where we weren't together and he made a real point of saying this and I took that as a massive rejection I was like we usually have a night apart anyway so like why do you need to make a real point of making sure that I know that that's something that you need and so I interpreted it the wrong way I was also immature I'll own that my reaction to it my frustration towards him and my own personal hurt towards it was because one I was a bit codependent at that point in my life we've talked about it loads my own frustrations and pent-up anxieties I was codependent I took that

as rejection and I didn't understand that he was just exercising an absolute right that he has which is to put in place some personal boundaries and say you know I need some personal time it wasn't like he was saying I need a night to myself because I want to go on tinder and hook up with other chicks he was just like I literally want a night to myself to do my washing to hang out with my housemates and to just have a bit of me time, read a book. But I took that poorly. And that wasn't a reflection of him setting boundaries. That was a reflection of my inability to be able to accept them. So that was my issue. There is another quote that I really love too, in regards to doing things for people that you don't want to do. And that is that acts of affection and

interest are only valid if they're performed without expectations. So you need to be doing things for people because you want to, and not because you expect anything else, not because you feel like you have to or you're doing it so that they do something back and I think that that's a really important thing because I used to do things in my early relationships purely because I wanted the same thing back or I did it because I wanted a specific reaction and I had to learn that you can't always control people's reactions and what they're going to give back now I do things because I want to make people happy not because I want them to give me anything back and I think that that is a really really powerful statement the last thing I want to say on this

whole topic and we talked about this a little bit on the anxiety yet which is the last episode we did. Everything gets easier the more that you exercise it. So if you're somebody who really struggles with asserting what your boundaries are, every single time you flex that muscle just a little bit and then just a little bit more. And every time you have those awkward and sometimes confrontational conversations, which don't need to be confrontational, but they can feel like confrontation for someone who really avoids it. Every single time you say no, or you put up a boundary or you stand up for yourself, which is essentially what having a boundary is. You stand up for yourself you make it a little bit easier to do it the next time and you also by

doing that invest in your own self-worth because you're saying by doing that you're saying I won't be treated like this because I'm worthy to be treated better than this so then it's a feed loop where that person goes ah okay well I'll treat you better so when you're getting more respect from that person you're being treated better by that person and you feel good about yourself because you have stood up for that little person inside who deserves to be defended that is like the perfect little round wholesome what's it called circle of life of boundaries and self-worth we've spoken about the connection between self-worth and setting boundaries and relationships so we have put a little checklist together that have come from some very very intelligent

reliable sources and it's just a checklist to see hey do you fall into this category a little bit just something for you to really have a little think about yourself difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries due to fear or guilt feeling too apologetic and you're not sure why excessive neediness which I have fallen into before allowing yourself to be put upon or burdened by other people taking on too many responsibilities and feeling resentful about it we spoke about that earlier allowing yourself to be controlling or be controlled by others that's a really important one the feeling of like you can't stand up for yourself and you you have to do what everyone tells you to do that's a really important one another reflection

of low self-worth which is one that I think is super important is this idea of being orientated around a scarcity or lack in general. So if you're frightened that you're never going to meet someone, if you're focused on a scarcity mindset, then you're more inclined to have low self-worth because you're like, well, I'll put up with this behavior because I'll never find something better. Another important one is self-sabotage. And I think this is a really, really big one. Staining toxic relationships when you know they are toxic deep down, you know, and this feeling of like emptiness or emotional void and not feeling good enough. So if you fall into the category of thinking that maybe you need to do some work on your

self-esteem and on your self-worth. I guess the big one and the absolute drive home comment from this, and you can put this on an Instagram post, you can quote it, is that your value is not determined by what other people think of you and your self-worth is not determined by what other people think of you. You need to be able to be confident and it really comes down to self-love, which sounds a bit woo-woo, but it really does. You need to be able to love yourself, to be able to put yourself first and to be able to protect and respect yourself. That's like the fundamentals to this. But how do you do that? I guess one of the biggest ways of getting to a point where you really fucking love yourself and not in like an Instagram kind of way,

but just in like a real life kind of way is investing in yourself, doing things like reading a book, working on maybe a business idea that you have, doing things that like aren't for other people. And at the end of the day, the value add that you're going to get back is entirely for yourself. None of that is selfish. Maybe it's simple thing like going for a run or setting yourself a new goal. I remember like Sherry, your sister Brits said she couldn't run. And then she set her goal that she wanted to run a half marathon or whatever it is. But it's like this sense of self-achievement that comes from setting yourself a goal and being able to achieve that. So it's like celebrating the small wins for yourself as well, but really trying new experiences,

pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and doing things solely for yourself is how you invest in your self-worth. Totally. And another one that's really, this seems like a really basic and simple one, but it's remembering that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes because a really big reason behind you feeling like you're not good enough is because you think that everyone else is kicking goals and you're not, and that you're the only human in the world that can't achieve something or is making a mistake. You're just really too hard on yourself. So always remember any person that you see that you think is kicking goals, they have gone through a lot of failures first. Every person that is successful, every person in the world that is successful

has failed previously. So don't be so hard on yourself. Oh man, I had this the other day, right? Put it on Instagram. I was like, we had some people coming over to do some filming at our house and like Brit will attest to this. My house is a freaking bombshell. Like it constantly is a fucking mess. I cannot keep it clean. We will clean it. It'll be perfect for like five hours. And then by the end of the day, it's a mess again. And I see other people on Instagram and I play the comparison game and I see what other people's houses look like. And I think I'm so useless. like I'm embarrassed by at home and then I think you know what if I feel like this I'm sure lots of other people feel like this and I put that on my stories and like the amount of people who wrote

back to me are the mums who are in similar situations with young kids who are like girlfriend I hear you but this was something and it's so small but it really impacts my feeling of of being worthy like this fact that I can't keep a clean house makes me feel really useless and it's something that gets me down constantly and it makes me not want to have people over like I don't want people to come to my house because I'm scared of being judged by them our producer tried to come over the other day and Laura's like not my veto you know you can't you can't come to my house she's like we're not there yet no we're not that close of friends brick can come over she's sitting in the bedroom right now that's where we are at in our relationship but it's like I don't

get my self-worth from cleaning my house that's not what makes me feel good about myself I have other things that really attribute to my self-worth and make me feel proud of the things that I can do and I think for every single person it's different maybe for you it is keeping a clean house maybe that is something that really makes you feel like you're kicking some fucking goals in your life. And that's great. For me, it's spending time with my kids and doing business stuff. It's just every single person is different. So you have to figure out what works for you, but you also have to figure out your triggers. What is it that makes you feel a bit worthless? What is it that makes you feel like you're not good enough? And then when you're experiencing that, acknowledge, okay,

this is something that I don't have nailed. And maybe the comparison game is making me feel bad because other people are good at this but you are not going to be good at everything in life girlfriend and it is okay if your house is covered in shit not physical shit I know it'd be very hygienic but you know what you know what I mean but just I just want to finish off by saying that probably the most important thing is surrounding yourself with good people being in a good relationship having good friends around you having good work colleagues around you and controlling what you can change so if you know that you're keeping people around you that are no good for maybe that's your partner maybe deep down you know you're in this toxic relationship

you can't ever expect a change without changing so the definition of insanity as we all know is expecting a different outcome but not doing anything different along the way so if you know there is someone in particular a few people a group of people an environment that is not good for you and he's putting you down and making you feel shitty if there is an option for you to change that which i'd be very surprised if there's not then you should look at taking that okay guys you know we never finish an episode without our suck and our sweet our highlight and our low light of the week and i'm gonna kick it off i have two sucks this week that is cheating they happened on the same morning yeah okay yesterday two sucks one i'm a coffee

ready to be a debbie downer two sucks but no but they're dumb sucks like they're stupid all right it was the same more it was the same day i woke up in the morning i'm a coffee fiend i love coffee I've got a little coffee machine at home, which I've, to be fair, I've probably abused it. It broke. I got up, wanted my coffee and it broke and I was devastated because it's not that old. So that was my first time. It probably is under a year. It probably has a warranty, but I can't be bothered to deal with that. However, does it come down to the length of time or the amount of coffees? Cause like I've had my coffee machine for a year and it's been used about 10 times. Are you serious? Yeah. Are you flying to the cows? Come on. No,

I really like buying coffee. I mean, I do that too. I really like going to a, I like the experience of getting a coffee. So I bought a coffee machine during COVID thinking that I would use it. And then I realized, no, I just like getting coffee from cafe. I use mine daily. Anyway, my second suck is if you guys follow me on the gram, you know that I'm a bit of, whilst I'm a coffee fiend, I'm a bit of a plant fiend.

Like I love plants. I have heaps of plants in my house and I have this beautiful, big, it's probably too big for my apartment, but this beautiful big palm in my lounge room. It is a gorgeous plant. Well, it was gorgeous. Oh dear. I also have a very, very freezing apartment.

It's not insulated. The windows don't even close properly and it's so cold. So I got a heater. I put the heater on. Oh, no. And I didn't realise the heater was under the farm. You know when you're younger and you get those like twisty, the little chips and you put them in the oven and they shrivel

into like a mini packet? And then you turn your bird of paradise into a key ring. Yeah, that's what it did. It like shriveled the whole palm up. it's curled in on itself like a little hermit crab and I'm devastated because it was it was really expensive but it was my pride and joy it was like the best thing I've ever done in my life was keep this palm alive that's when you know that you're a real adult when you're like pride and joy is having plant babies honestly like like people walk in they're like oh my god I love your

plants and it just gives you this real sense of like accomplishment you're like I know I'm an adult that has my shit together look at my plants I've admitted I've admitted defeat I'm old there we go well not anymore because you managed to fuck this one up so then that means that you're retaining your youth only 20 year olds kill their plants all right what's yours okay I have one one each I'm sticking to the rules my suck this week is that Marley is still not sleeping it's making it's making everything it's making everyday jobs very hard running on like four hours sleep and I we have a newborn I would think that the newborn should be responsible for that but no the toddler doesn't sleep anyway that's my suck the lack of sleep I think last night I got up seven times

oh in six hours gross i'm like seeing stars it's so you look good though i have kids kids are a great idea like if you really want to get to the best contraception for me okay no i think molly's actually getting her molars which would explain why she's been awake like a million times anyway okay my sweet is that my sister is in labor and she just messaged me to say that she is getting contractions now after her water's broke you better get the hell out of today is her due date so she will be having a baby in a few hours which is very exciting we're gonna wrap this guys i'm having a baby that is it we've got to get laura to the hospital so she can deliver a baby also i just want to say thank you to everybody who has left a review

recently you guys are amazing some of the reviews i was in tears reading the reviews the other day which sounds i'm i'm hormonal still i'm breastfeeding it's a lot going on but to know how much this podcast has made an impact in some people's lives really means the absolute world to and I and I mean as much as we're here to bring the lols and bring the funny stories we really hope that and we really appreciate how much you guys appreciate the fact that we do a lot of research for these podcast episodes and we put a lot of time and energy and love into it because it means the world to us to be able to do this yeah and we do want to make a difference so when you guys tell us that it does make a difference in some way which we actually got so many of you

writing after the anxiety episode which we we just loved because that was important to us to do that in a really good way in an effective way and do it justice so thank you so much to everyone that write in we love you we love that you love us that was weird but we do jump on to the instagram which is at life uncut podcast jump onto facebook which is also life uncut podcast group and you know the drill tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your cousin tell your fish tell your frog tell just tell everybody and share the love because we love love