Life Uncut - Summer Ask Uncut with Britt and Ben!

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany and I'm Ben. Well there you go, Ben's here. Ben is in the house. So we are on our quote unquote Christmas break but we never managed to do a full break. So we've been drip feeding some little extra episodes for you and ben was very excited to hear that you guys wanted him to guest host an ask uncut god only knows why people want to have my opinion but i'll try and do my best well we'll see how it goes so we are recording this just before christmas just so you know you'll be listening to this christmas will be well and truly done but tomorrow ben and i heading to switzerland to see his family for christmas and it'll be my very first time in switzerland with

Starting point is 00:00:53 Ben's family meeting his friends in his hometown I'm really excited. Yes so as you might remember I took your sister Sherry and her husband Jay before I even took you to my hometown. Yes I do remember that. We do things a little bit different in our relationship don't we? Yeah it was hard because obviously we don't have a normal relationship of sorts. You were busy eating pig nipples in the jungle so I couldn't really take you. Is that when it was? Yeah it was literally the first week of you've been in a jungle i really drew the short straw yeah so sherry and jay went back to ben's hometown to stay with his family and meet his friends and see where ben grew up before i did so i feel like i'm finally playing catch up yeah and we're going to be spending

Starting point is 00:01:34 christmas with his family so we are going to do an ask uncut from some questions that you guys wrote in some are just general ask uncut some were specifically for ben to answer so that he there was a male perspective and even when I do ask uncuts back home a lot of the time if it's you know from a male's perspective I will ask Ben or I'll run Ben through so I can get both sides of the story you know because at the end of the day Laurie and I can always give our opinions based off experience and relationships and the knowledge we've learned along the way but I think it's always really important and nice to have a perspective from a man so I often run questions by ben and i did recognize some of my opinions on the pods oh yeah well i do believe it or not

Starting point is 00:02:14 value your opinion ben yeah i normally get a quick facetime call quick quick quick tell me what you think and how many times a day do you masturbate quick quick do you watch porn quick he's not gonna answer that you've never asked me that she's lying but before we get into the questions we did get quite a few questions coming in just about how it's been seeing each other again our plans for the future wedding plans kid plans how are our wedding plans going hey yeah that's a good question ben how are our wedding plans i feel like it's a question for you because because you don't know i do know but i feel like you have the right to veto so i feel like it's better asking you all right let's do an on the spot quiz i'm gonna ask you three questions about

Starting point is 00:02:55 our wedding and you are going to have five seconds to answer them oh generous if you don't answer them because you don't know the wedding plans then you have to get me a surprise okay all right this is gonna be a disaster what date is our wedding it is three two oh my god it's wrong you just got that wrong it's the wrong month but it's the right date oh okay well i'll see you in the wrong month then i can't believe you got that wrong okay question two what is the name of our catering company oh god five four three i want to say yes with one second yeah i didn't think you were gonna get that no i mean if there's anything you don't know the date but you know the food yes i know all the details that aren't important

Starting point is 00:03:49 how do you know the food company and not the date of our wedding i don't know the name just stuck in my head well that's the thing you don't even know we're eating I've picked it all right well you had the luxury of eating it all so I wouldn't know I did eat it and Keisha for that matter Keisha was taking husband duties that day we did go on a food tasting bender in Bali question three what's the name of my wedding dress designer I want to say something with Khalil but I'm not sure I'm not sure it's very famous though please lock your answer in it's doing a great job putting up with you that's all i want to say you're half right khalil steven khalil there you go that counts all right i'm gonna give you one bonus question yeah what's

Starting point is 00:04:30 the name of our wedding planner amelia no where does she work uh you said love and lost no not love and lust oh my god i actually wasn't expecting you to be so bad at our wedding planning something with love love no that's incorrect what is it easy wedding easy weddings oh my god what's the other one lost in love yeah what's that photography yeah easy weddings Amelia you're doing a great job this is a disaster although I don't know where you work you're doing a great job this is a disaster okay well you're definitely getting me a surprise now because you're turning up to our waiting a month late yeah that would be an issue okay so we've just had sherry and jay staying with us for a week yeah and baby maya yeah so cute she is tiny so we have just a two-bedroom flat here

Starting point is 00:05:26 it's very small and we're all together for the week i think it's quite big to be honest ben has i mean you've never held a baby like that you've never been around a newborn baby like that you didn't know anything about it you tried to give a phantom no i didn't it was you tried to give her a full meal you're like does she need food i didn't know that babies can't drink water it's baffling to me i did not know that i thought water is the essence of all life and we all need water and well we do except babies get it from breast milk because breast milk is so incredible i know but a little water doesn't harm does it well i don't know they're just not allowed to have it well my mistake well the question is has it changed like how do you feel about kids now

Starting point is 00:06:12 Because everyone knows that we've been a bit confused, a bit on the fence, a bit unsure of our future for a multitude of reasons. If we can even have them or if we want them or when we want them or how it's going to work. How do you feel after you spent a week with a baby? Well, disclaimer, I haven't changed any nappies. No, there was one exploding poo that went up to her neck on them. Yeah, I haven't changed any nappies. So I guess if all the babies, newborns, are like Maya, it would be a dream. she hardly cried she was very easygoing such a happy happy little toddler happy little baby

Starting point is 00:06:48 she's not a toddler yet well see that shows how much i know she's a happy little happy little squid yeah happy little squid then it makes me think that you know with the hockley genes and everything everything will be fine and it will not be difficult to have a baby but obviously well aware that it can be very stressful especially you do know i like to sleep i like to sleep in and we did say if we do have kids then i will take the late night shift and you will take the early morning shift because you're a morning person and but does it make you want a baby did she make you want one it didn't make me not want one that's the most ben answer ever yeah we've done this process to have kids so yes we want to have kids if they're like maya then yeah we can

Starting point is 00:07:35 have a kid right now you don't get to choose if they're like can we can we put this in somewhere that we want a kid like maya disclaimer must sleep must not cry no we're probably going to have twins you know my theory about this well it's not a theory because ivf you have double the chance of twins with ivf and ben really wants twins so he wanted the fertility doctor to put like 25 embryos in me he's like put them all in she said look if you do ivf your chances of having twins doubles so in my head it's like yeah from 25 to 50 like what a result like surely this will happen and she goes no calm down ben it's from two to four percent yeah i was like well i'll take the extra two percent then twins would be hectic i feel good about kids i feel good about

Starting point is 00:08:18 kids yeah how do you feel i mean yeah i agree she's definitely a unicorn baby that makes you think that like oh my god piss cake i could do this dream job like if i get this little cute munchkin attached to me that is a dream boat doesn't cry it doesn't she sleeps 11 hours through the night yes but i i also it is a stark reminder too it was a stark reminder of how much things change like how everything was more difficult yeah like even though she's a great child everything took longer everything takes longer just getting out of the house takes longer trying to have a shower is harder because you've got to find someone else to take her in that time and they change your life yeah so it's not that i wouldn't be able to adapt to that it's just

Starting point is 00:09:04 trying to find out when you think that you're going to be ready for that and i think my problem is i'm never going to think that i'm ready i'm never going to say yes now's the time to drop a bomb on my life i don't think anybody is and knows when when they are ready you know like there's always a little bit of doubt or there's always something that's like oh maybe you know but what i do understand now is when people say that like the love i have for maya this little cute little baby is you know through the roof and when when parents say you know it's one of the greatest things in the world but you're also so bloody tired like i understand it like yeah she was in the room next door and she slept for 11 hours and then ben was still tired he's like wow i'm

Starting point is 00:09:44 exhausted i was on uncle daycare and i was like when can i hand her back were you it's just i am clueless like i said i would have fed her water or fanta or given a piece of my pizza or whatever so he was just like you can't do this you can't do that and it's a learning curve yeah i think our biggest problem too is if we lived together i believe it would be an easier decision and we would probably be doing it now for sure but we don't live together we're obviously aware of that and we're aware that we don't know when we'll be together which means it's really hard especially with ivf because we have to literally book in the day and go in and say today's the day let's hope that this works and then in nine months we'll have a baby so when you're planning it like that

Starting point is 00:10:24 you have to plan everything else around your life as well which we don't have we don't have the plans to be together yet as much as we want to be we're not quite there yet we're not there yet our careers we're working on it we're trying yeah we're working on it our careers and our life don't yet align with that and you know we're getting married and then two days later you have to go back actually one night we actually only oh we get one night together after our wedding and then ben flies back to training and i have to fly back to work in australia so we don't even get the honeymoon we get no time together except for that week of our wedding yeah which is yeah i mean that's a stark reminder for people as to just how hard this is and how our lives are not

Starting point is 00:11:10 yet in a place for a family because i don't want i personally and neither does ben but i don't want to have a baby and you not be there i don't want to be doing it alone as like a single mom in sydney i definitely want to be a present a present dad and be there for you like that time it was so important for me to be there for you when you had your ivf round and you had your little procedure and you had your ejaculation into a cup unless we forgot yeah yeah it was just really important for me to be there to show my support for you because you know it did feel like you got the bad end of the stick you know you got the bad end of having a little procedure done and you were in pain and all the injections you applied and all that kind of stuff so all i had to do was show up

Starting point is 00:11:54 and masturbate yeah masturbate and uh give my little swimmers and rest of it the rest so but i definitely want to be there for you and be there for for our potential babies for our twins we do want that part of our life and to be honest seeing you with maya was definitely like an ovary tingling sexy dad well you weren't the dad but standing dad but seeing you with her did get the ovaries tingling for sure because i think that's what you you always wonder what your partner is going to look like or be not look like sorry will my partner be a deal you wonder what they're going to be like yeah as a parent and i think that that's a big part of making decisions too on like if you want to have kids and i feel like maybe with a bit of training and a bit of

Starting point is 00:12:40 education so you don't feed that two month old a steak you'll be a great dad thank you you're welcome thank you i think you'll be a great mom all right thank you should we get into the questions yes let's do it question number one okay i think you're gonna have a strong opinion about this my husband and i have a six month old baby i'm a stay-at-home mom and he works full-time i make dinner every night which is always hard cooking with a baby as my husband doesn't get home until 6 30 right when we're about to eat last night i made dinner like usual and in conversation i said so do you like it and he responded it's all right but he said in a way where i knew that he really wasn't impressed this offended me as i put a lot

Starting point is 00:13:24 of effort in whilst juggling our baby i just don't think he understands i would have been happy with just toast for dinner but i put the effort in for him he thinks it's okay to be honest and that he thought dinner was just okay so he told me hey it's just okay my question is if someone makes you something such as dinner is it okay to be honest and say you didn't really like it or should you just be appreciative that someone put the effort in and say yeah it was good even if you don't think it was that good I asked him hey if you were at our friend's house would you say that you didn't really like what they made you or would you pretend and he said no of course I wouldn't But this is our home, and I think it's best to be honest with you.

Starting point is 00:14:07 What do you think, Ben? Wow. Big question to start with. The real serious topics to start with. I think we all know that we have different conversations at our own house than we do have at other people's houses, right? But it reminds me, remember when I tried to replicate a dish for you, and I still don't know if you liked it to this day,

Starting point is 00:14:26 and I asked you, I said, do you like your dish? And you gave me like a, yeah, it's fine. and i was thinking i'm not quite sure if you like if you like it what i've made for you and i think to this day i'm not quite sure what i should make it again and you were wildly offended yes yes i was it hurt your feelings that i said yeah it's fine yeah also a little bit of pride because i pride myself on making good meals for you and you've not not liked anything i ever made so i was like oh okay i guess it stops with with feta then yeah but to be fair i don't ever cook you have cooked for me i've cooked for you once since the day we met in like over two years now with my

Starting point is 00:15:01 recipe yeah and it's just the way our relationship is that's not because i'm lazy i try to cook you don't want me to like you love it you cook everything so i think if i can one time in all of that time say that i i liked it but didn't love it i think that that's genuinely okay in this situation i think it's okay that your husband is honest to be fair there's no point pretending maybe early on in the relationship like you've just started dating you're really really fresh into dating you've made a huge effort I think in that situation you just probably lie a little bit you're like yeah thank you so much it was delicious but I'm just full I just can't eat anymore but at this point you guys are married you have a baby him not liking your food I don't think he's

Starting point is 00:15:47 connected with him not appreciating that you did it he can still appreciate that you have gone to the effort to cook it, but just doesn't genuinely like the taste. I don't think that it has to be offensive to you. I guess it depends how he says it and the reason he says he doesn't like it. But you don't want to, when you're married, you don't want to pretend that you like something and then for the rest of your life have to fake that you like it because you'll continue to cook that meal now if he's faked it. Yeah, I agree. I think, you know, we don't know what happened at work. Maybe he's had a bad day at work or whoever, and you certainly have to be appreciative of another person making a meal not just for you but it's for the family you know like like she

Starting point is 00:16:24 said she has a six months old at home so yeah but the six month old's not eating the steak yes but it's part of you know looking after your family and yes i mean we've had our lovely niece here for a couple of days it was more hectic than i thought it would be so you know the partner definitely has to be appreciative of the effort that's been made would you rather that i told you if you made me something yeah because i'm making it because i think you would like it and then you don't like it and or it's not your taste and then you're better off knowing and i think you have to take this not as criticism rather than just as okay just the other person just doesn't like it and and that's okay yeah and i think if you reverse it if your husband cooked something

Starting point is 00:17:01 for you that you really didn't like would you tell him like i think it's the way you deliver yeah absolutely it's the way you say it and i just tell him i'll just tell him i feel like you don't appreciate me and then you can go from there like i feel like you don't appreciate me if you really just didn't like the meal that's okay like we can talk about it but it was the way you said it and I just you know you're both obviously very stressed it's not easy being at home with a baby as well so I don't want to say maybe you're more offended than you should be I think it depends on how often this has happened you know if it's just every night and he's just not appreciative then I think it's more of a thing of him not being appreciative of you making the effort to cook

Starting point is 00:17:37 but if it's just a once off or once every now and then then I think it's okay all right should my friend tell her new boyfriend the reason that her and her ex-husband split up. The reason being she cheated on her husband. This new couple have been together now for six months and she still hasn't told him and I'm doubting that she ever will. I think this is crazy because eventually he's going to find out, you know, how she gets around. It's not that big of a town and I think he will be pissed off that she wasn't honest with him from the start. The question is, do you have to divulge the reasons that you broke up with an ex-partner and if you did the wrong thing this is an interesting one I think naturally when you start to get to know somebody you maybe discuss previous

Starting point is 00:18:21 relationships and you ask questions of maybe how that went maybe to get a feeling of how that person is in the relationship my initial thought was it's probably not up to the friend to disclose this information to the partner just because I think you shouldn't be getting too much involved in other people's relationship although you might mean well well I don't think she's asking should she tell them I think she obviously believes that her friend needs to say it yeah her friend thinks she doesn't need to tell him that she's cheated so I think she's running to ask more to ask is she right in thinking that she should tell her or is she out of line thinking that you have to disclose this previous information I think if they're good friends they can definitely have a

Starting point is 00:19:03 conversation and say hey this is what I'm thinking I think this could become an issue I'm just looking out for you you know is there any particular reason why you haven't brought it up or are you going to bring it up and you know should you maybe wait because is the relationship going to be very serious or not I think that's also something to consider I think personally it should naturally come up in the conversation between a couple a new couple getting to know each other but the question is do you think it matters going into a new relationship what someone has done in the past I think it does matter you don't have to disclose your past and your past relationships but I think if you go into a new relationship with honesty and I think that goes a long way and it could be a

Starting point is 00:19:47 great discussion point because cheating is not necessarily black and white and you're wrong and you're right and it can definitely be a tricky conversation to have but if you have it you might come out the other side in a better way a better understanding of your person that you're getting to know I think people just think that well for me cheating isn't as simple as like a leopard can't change its spots you know once you've cheated you're always a cheater I don't think that that's true at all you don't have to disclose any part of your past to a new relationship that you don't feel comfortable disclosing or you don't want to disclose but I think you need to use your discretion as to what is the right thing to bring into that relationship do you think it will be a

Starting point is 00:20:27 problem if he eventually finds out and then that usual sentence comes oh why didn't you tell me from the beginning do you think that's going to be that would be my worry in this situation yeah and I think you're better off to speak about that kind of thing because I'm sure he has asked you this is the other question I'm sure he's asked you hey why did your marriage end like why did a marriage breakdown that's a pretty normal question when a marriage has broken down and you're starting to date someone else so i'm wondering what she has said in that situation yeah if you don't disclose it in that moment the other person probably feels a little bit light too well yeah and if you think that they're going to find out down the track it's always better to

Starting point is 00:21:04 tell the truth at the start it's always better to come from you than somebody else but that's also not to say that the person will cheat again exactly that's what i mean a leopard i believe can change its spots once you've cheated doesn't mean you're always going to be a cheater doesn't mean you're always going to be a fuckwit doesn't mean you can't be trusted you don't know the situation surrounding that cheating you don't know what was happening in that relationship that made somebody do that i think that's the really important thing is to have those open conversations and discuss the why like if you had cheated on someone in the past ben that wouldn't stop me from dating you but i would want to know why yeah and how you feel about it and how you feel about

Starting point is 00:21:41 cheating and would you do it again and all of those kind of things but if I found out four years down the track that you cheated on your ex-wife yeah I'd be pretty pissed off that I didn't have that information yeah it's tricky because at the end of the day it's very obvious you want to do like the right thing for your friend I think you're trying to protect her from the future from a future fallout all you can do is have the conversation with her and say it's highly likely that eventually this information will get back to him yeah you know I'll support you whatever you want to do but i think it's better for you to get this out in the open now and just explain why explain why it happened but you can't really do anything else than that at the

Starting point is 00:22:19 end of the day it's you're protecting your friend but it's not your business yeah it's not your relationship this is another question that came directly in for ben's perspective i have known this guy for five years and he's been there through breakups graduation my mom's cancer and recently my mom's passing and funeral. My mom loved him and he promised her that he would protect me. He's always so active in my life and helping everywhere possible. Since all this has happened, I now think that I'm falling for him, but he says he sees me as nothing but a sister. He's 30 and I'm 24 for context. Am I just wasting my time or is there something that I can do? second part of the question also brit how do i get rid of the feeling as i feel the guys should

Starting point is 00:23:04 always pursue you and not the other way around oh god this is hard yeah firstly you're obviously going through a really tough time so i'm really sorry that you've just lost your mom horrific and i can't imagine what that's like i know she said this is specifically for you ben but i have feelings this is tough because you've sort of opened up to him and said how you feel which is probably a big step and especially with the past that you two have that he's always been there for you and I'm guessing you have been there for him as well if there was any issues in his life so there's definitely a different kind of connection than maybe just a friendship it's a hard one because obviously he doesn't feel the same way and that probably stings a little bit initially

Starting point is 00:23:46 is there hope yes there's there's always a little bit of hope I think how I would handle the situation is probably I would maybe distance myself a little bit from him and kind of get in that mode of out of sight out of mind and if your feelings are still there for him then you never know what's going to happen he might turn around you know a couple of weeks or months down the road and says hey I thought about what you said you never know if the other person's going to do that but you obviously don't want to lose the friendship so if you can and if you feel that you can you should definitely keep a good friendship going but it's obviously disappointing that the other person hasn't expressed the same feelings romantically as you have to him and so do you

Starting point is 00:24:29 truly think that if someone has said you're like a sister to me that they can then change their mind i think it can change just i think it's maybe similar than having friends with benefits where you're romantically involved but sort of with a guard and a distance to it i mean there are definitely people out there who started off as friends and then you know the usual story of We've been friends since high school. I am going to have a very different opinion to you, Ben. I'm shocked. Well, I don't agree.

Starting point is 00:24:57 But the reason I think that this is different, and this is going to be hard for you to hear, but I don't think he has an interest in you like that at all. And I don't think that he will. And the reason I say that, of course, there is a chance he can. No one can ever rule anything out. The reason I say that is because you aren't friends with benefits. You haven't been hooking up.

Starting point is 00:25:17 from all accounts, you've never hooked up. He's always just been a figure that's been there to look after you. So it's not like it's been a friends with benefits or it's been romantic and you're trying to say, hey, let's be more serious. You guys have had a relationship where he has told you that he looks at you like a sister. He protects you like a sister. He wants to continue to look after you and be there for you like a sister. I think it's very hard to transition from that to romantic when he says that that's how he feels. It's different 100% if he just said oh I just think we're really good friends I would say hey yeah like there could be hope because friendships do change but the fact that he used like a sibling as his descriptor

Starting point is 00:25:58 for you and your relationship makes me think that he has categorized your relationship into a completely different box and I know that's not what you want to hear and maybe it will change but I think you do have to listen to what he has said I definitely don't think she should be hanging around and trying to make an effort to eventually make this happen definitely not you should live your life and you know sort of move on try and move on mentally which is obviously very very hard especially since you just opened up you know I'm very literal so when you said is there hope I would obviously say yes there's always hope yeah Ben is very very literal but should you be hanging around and continue to make an effort and you did mention the the thing of

Starting point is 00:26:41 male pursuit in the female and stuff no you shouldn't because i think you're going to drive yourself crazy if he's never going to give you the same feeling back that you have for him so i think you're just going to make life a little bit more harder for yourself yeah i don't want to be out of place here because i haven't been in your situation i haven't lost a parent and i haven't been going through the absolute grief and heartbreak that you would be going through now but we have spoken to enough people over the years to try to understand the overwhelming feelings and confusion that can surround grief i want you to ask yourself and think about this could there be a level of confusion in your feelings because you are in the depths of grief you have just lost your mom and there is

Starting point is 00:27:27 this person there that is looking after you and has said that they will continue to look after you and almost be your knight in shining armor. And it's amazing that he's doing that. Everyone deserves to have that kind of a person. But I do wonder if you've never had those feelings before and those feelings are coming out now, they very well could be real. They absolutely could be like, wow, you've been right in front of me all this time, but it also could be a lot of confusion

Starting point is 00:27:52 because you have lost someone really important to you and then someone has showed up saying, hey, I'll be here for you. you know so I do wonder and only you can answer that if if you think that these feelings could have come at this time because of everything else that's going on in your life and the tumultuous emotions that you know I can only imagine are completely engulfing you all day every day it's hard because you don't want to completely distance yourself from this person because they are there for you and you do need the support and they're obviously a really important person to you but you do need to give yourself enough space if you think you're falling for

Starting point is 00:28:26 them and they've said that they're not so it's a bit of a balancing act because you need to maintain the friendship you don't want to drive him away you don't want to lose it you know you don't want to be driven away yourself because you need that support but there is a part of me that says well you have put it out there for now and he has told you how he feels and you can't unfortunately as much as you try you can't change someone's feelings or thoughts about you by pushing harder it's impossible it just won't happen it's an uphill battle the second part of the question is about you know she feels like yeah she feels like the guy should always pursue you and not the other way around that women you know should be the object of desire and the male

Starting point is 00:29:09 should always be the one that shows up and puts in the work and shows the interest and whilst that is like a wonderful beautiful fairy tale i don't know i don't i don't think that's i mean i have pursued you pretty strongly because i was wowed um but and no it's not always that way no i think absolutely not i think you need to go after what you want those days are done and in fact those days never existed for me every person i have ever had any relationship with whether that's long term or dated or situationship i've gone after like if i've been interested in them i go after them with you it was different than just because you're on the other side of the world and like i showed my interest heavily yeah but I just didn't think there'd be anything there so I probably

Starting point is 00:29:55 didn't pursue you as much as if you lived here if you lived in the same country as me I would have pursued you harder there was definitely enough from you that made me feel like oh she's really interested and that's probably enough from me that made you feel oh he's really pursuing me so it's if both people pursue each other to a certain extent then you know the interest is real i definitely made our hookup happen for sure like we hooked up that first night because i was interested in you and i wanted it to happen yeah i think gone are the days and you can tell me what you think gone are the days of women having to wait around for men like those days were over decades ago in my opinion they're also shy men like me well this is the question are you

Starting point is 00:30:37 adverse in any capacity does it put you off in any capacity when a woman approaches you are you like thank god no absolutely yeah sometimes it's like oh she's really cute but you don't have the courage to go up to her or whatever the situation is and you're like oh she's actually doing me a favor by being forthcoming and maybe making the first step or whatever so that's definitely a nice sign maybe she thinks exactly the same she's like i wish this guy would come up to me and you don't or imagine what could happen if you do because we joked about this where if we just met out in a bar or somewhere i'm not the type of guy which has come up to you you said to me like oh if if i met you i would have hoped you would come up to me you would give me signals and stuff

Starting point is 00:31:17 like that so well that's the crazy situation i probably wouldn't pick him up but no you wouldn't pick him but that's the that's the crazy thing right like we're getting married yeah but if we met in the wild at a bar we probably nothing would have happened we would have well i mean i might have come and talked to you i would have given you some winks across the bar depends how many margaritas you've had but it's crazy to think that just because of that because people are too shy they don't shoot their shot and this is why i say to everybody shoot your shot we're getting married and we wouldn't have even spoken if we met in the wild yeah you've got nothing to lose and this is what i think when women are like i'm too shy or i don't want to ask or what if he says no

Starting point is 00:31:55 my answer is always who cares if he says no who cares if they say no it won't be your first they will be your last no like it's it's also not personal right especially if it's in the early days and it's you don't know them right you're out you've seen someone that tickles your fancy that gets your juices flowing and you're like hey they're pretty cute what do you have to lose if they're not interested nothing you don't know them they don't know you you don't know their situation it doesn't matter you only have something to gain and I think that is in every situation I say this to people and Laura and I have had these discussions so many times you have to put out what you want whether that's in a job like in your work or or something that you're going

Starting point is 00:32:36 after friends relationships sex it doesn't matter put out what you want because if you don't your answer is a hundred percent no yeah but if you do there is a chance that you will get something that is incredible now that i've raised my points ben do you still think that if a man has put someone in a category of like a sister that that can change yeah it can change because whether he just thinks initially i was maybe a little bit scared or i didn't know she felt that way maybe i have given her certain signals that made her feel in a certain way or maybe i do need to distance myself from this intimate friendship or maybe well actually she's right we would make a nice couple or we share so many things already we see things the same way like you just never

Starting point is 00:33:23 know what develops from that. And just to give a perspective from the other side, I don't want to say this to give you false hope at all, but there is a small chance that maybe he just doesn't want to enter anything now because of the situation that you're in. He might be well enough in tuned with how the world works and emotions to know that it's not the right time to have those conversations when you're in the depth of grief as well. Next question is about long distance. Now this was very long so i've surmised it surmised summarized who's the native english speaker here i think you can say surmised it i've summarized it this is a long question so i've summarized it i've been in a long distance relationship for three years he lives in europe so i feel like this is why she's

Starting point is 00:34:11 written it because very similar very fitting yes yeah he lives in europe we haven't seen each other in four months and i made a big mistake i cheated on him on a night out i didn't sleep with them but I kissed somebody I don't want anything I'm never going to do it again I feel extreme guilt do I tell my partner I'm worried that if I tell him he'll end it with me but I know I'm never going to do it again and I want to spend my life with him what do I do this dilemma yeah I'm really torn because there's literally no good answer no there's I mean there is I guess we should be saying to tell him to be honest in a relationship that's the answer right that's that's the answer that you put on paper i feel like it's probably what a psychologist would say it's probably the

Starting point is 00:34:56 right thing to say is you honesty is probably always the better choice but but it's it's so hard very very difficult situation make this our situation all right we've been together we haven't seen each other in months i kissed someone would you rather me tell you and it possibly you know cause this rift or ruin things or we break up or whatever it is or if you know and i know i'm never ever ever ever gonna do it again would you rather it just was never brought up the question isn't on me the question is on you if you should tell i'm asking you would you rather have not known so that the relationship can continue knowing you know like i know it's never gonna happen again would you rather have me have dumped that on you and said i kissed someone and then you've always

Starting point is 00:35:40 got that thought i think because it's just a kiss probably think i'd rather not know and if you feel like or if you know like you're never going to do this mistake again and it might do more damage telling than it would not telling and opening up but yeah because especially with the long distance the way to hash this out is going to be extremely difficult especially if you don't see each other for another four months right so it's like a part of you that thinks it's not worth the disruption to the rest of your life yeah it's a hard one because it's just a kiss but a kiss can actually mean so much when you kiss somebody you think you initially know whether the person is for you or not oh that was deep yeah well i think she knows the person she kissed wasn't for her i think how

Starting point is 00:36:21 long have they been together like three years or something yeah i mean that's sounds like a pretty solid relationship so you probably take that one to the grave take it to the grave never speak of it don't tell anyone don't tell a friend yeah i feel really guilty saying this because i've always wanted to know the truth and i've always said i think honesty is the best policy and i almost think i'm going to give you advice that people are not going to agree with if it's really going to hurt him and crush him and you know you're never going to do it again and you know it was the biggest mistake and you just feel so much guilt then I probably I probably wouldn't tell him and do that to him I would just continue to be the best person you can be in that relationship

Starting point is 00:36:59 and really show up for him even as I say that out loud I feel a bit guilty because it's so 50 50 it's so 50 50 but I feel like I need to give you advice one way or the other if you think that your relationship could be over because of what you did if there's no way for him to ever find out and I even feel guilty saying that but if there's any inkling that he can find out if you have shared friends if people saw it if anyone else knows then you need to tell him absolutely because if it comes from someone else later down the track it's going to be devastating and 10 times worse but if it's like you're in a different city and no one knew and there's no way for anyone to find out and this guy's a stranger that you don't even know then I probably wouldn't I wouldn't risk it

Starting point is 00:37:39 but I would spend the rest of my life being an amazing person and I would never do it again. And if you ever cheat again, then you either are in the wrong relationship or you do need to tell him. And I know people are going to thoroughly disagree with that. You're going to get cancelled. Well, I just think like you're going to completely blow up someone's life

Starting point is 00:37:58 and your own for something that you think is like a really big mistake. And that's why I wanted to ask you what you would rather, Ben, if you'd rather me take that to the grave. Laura and I have had this discussion many times, sometimes on the podcast, sometimes just in person. We both agree with the same kind of thing. If our partner had just, if this was reversed and you had just kissed someone one night, didn't know them,

Starting point is 00:38:21 never wanted to see them again, felt so guilty, loved me, wanted to spend your life with me, I wouldn't want to know. I would not want to know because that stays in that relationship forever. But if you slept with someone, absolutely. That's a whole different kettle of fish that you need to be talking about. I mean, at the end of the day, obviously it's up to you. that's a no-brainer but I would just be trying to show up now and be the best person you can be and work on you know figure out why you did it in the first place there's obviously a reason that you

Starting point is 00:38:45 did it maybe that's what needs looking at if there is a bit of a hole in the relationship or is it just that you're I hate to say it but you haven't seen them in months and you're a bit lonely and that's what I was thinking not that that's an excuse you know Ben and I we only saw each other for a week in the last six months and I would never cheat on you and assuming you would never cheat on me but yeah it's really tricky and people are gonna hate us for saying that but i'd be taking that one to the grave so i have been seeing this guy off and on for a year and last night he asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend i've been searching for love for years now so this should have made me the happiest girl ever he's very into me he has told me and shown me so much

Starting point is 00:39:22 the thing is he's eight years younger than me get it girl i've reached an age where i hope my next partner is my last i want to have kids and times are ticking you know how it is i like him we get along great we have similar goals and values but i guess my question is is he too young and how do you know i feel naturally in your mid-20s the age gap can be more of a problem in terms of the other person being more mature and having more life experience i think when you're you know let's say the person's 18 and you're 80 years older those eight years i think are much more significant in your how you developed as a person a character how you see life what you've already experienced in life uh if you're sort of in your mid-30s i don't think it's that big of an age gap our age

Starting point is 00:40:10 gap is it's not eight years but it's still five years it's five years it's still for some people quite a significant age gap if we were dating and i was 18 and you were 23 i think we would look at it differently i think you should give it a go i think age is only a problem if age is a problem if it's not a problem it's not a problem and that seems so basic but it's true everyone grows and matures at a different point everyone wants different things at different ages if he is showing up and being everything that you want him to be and he wants the same things if you guys are on the same timeline then it genuinely doesn't matter at the end of the day it is a number but if he is saying hey I really like you but I'm nowhere near ready to have kids yet and you know

Starting point is 00:40:55 that you are then then that's when it's a problem people put a lot of emphasis on age and numbers and i genuinely don't get it i don't think it matters no i agree how mature you are how you see things and we always joke remember when we we looked at each other's pictures from like 10 years ago and we thought oh we would have never dated each other man what does that got to do with anything i'm just saying it's just funny to do with anything yes i know you wouldn't have dated me when I was 25 I had a glow up and so did you yeah so did I but I think the kids conversation is you've just sort of started out in this relationship so I feel like the kids conversation is definitely one to have but I don't think it's the one where you're gonna have to have

Starting point is 00:41:37 the answer immediately oh I disagree no the thing is you guys haven't said your ages here but you have said time's ticking and I want kids and I need my next relationship to be it which makes me think maybe your late twenties, early thirties. I don't know. That's, that's my guess. So I do think that that conversation matters because it matters to her. Like you are literally deciding now if you want to be his girlfriend officially because you want kids and you're worried about that. He has asked you to be his girlfriend officially, meaning he has that interest and he wants something serious with you. Ask him, say, Hey, before I commit to this, you know, the age gap isn't the hesitation but our timeline of what we want could be where are you at how do

Starting point is 00:42:21 you feel about kids when do you see them in your future would you see them with me there's nothing wrong with explaining what you want and you know like Ben and I are five years difference sorry Ben but my ex-relationship Jordan he and I were seven years difference and just as an example when he and I started dating I was about to freeze my eggs for the first time because I was significantly older than him he was mid-20s and I was like you know what this is where I am at in my life I'm just going to be honest and if he's not at that point then then that's fine but I'll just tell him and he can do what he wants with information and he thought it was great there was nothing wrong with it he was 26 years old I was in my 30s early 30s and he was like yeah go for it like

Starting point is 00:43:05 let's do that it doesn't mean we're gonna have kids right now but if we thought that there was a future he was mature enough the number didn't mean anything he was at a different point of his life and the same thing has happened with you ben like you're five years younger than me we froze eggs embryos together within six months so like you know we we literally had i'm pretty sure it was six months which is so early when you think about it but not early when you know and not early when the timeline suits us i think that's what i was trying to say that's like you have to have the kids conversation but it's not like you don't have to have the answer straight away like we still don't have the answer and we're getting married and we're two years in and we still don't know

Starting point is 00:43:45 three frozen babies yeah and we still don't know how and when are we going to do this i think because you've already been sort of dating for a year and he's now officially asked you to be his girlfriend he will be ready for this conversation and if he's not ready for this conversation about kids then you know maybe you should rethink whether you're going to be officially a couple i think you'd be crazy to lose out on the potential of your person and a great relationship because of a number because of how old he is so be upfront don't be afraid to have the conversation to tell him what you want what you're after what you're looking for and just let him respond however he wants to respond then you can make your decision based off that but what i can say is

Starting point is 00:44:26 It's a good life being a cougar. Well, that is it from us, guys. We have to get out of here. We have to go and get a plane to Switzerland. Thanks for getting on the podcast, Ben. I know it's not your, probably your favorite thing to do. It makes me appreciate how difficult your and Laura's job is. And I probably should get better at it if people want me to come back.

Starting point is 00:44:52 Well, we don't know if they will now. Well, guys, I hope you enjoy the rest of the holiday season. We're going to be back with regular programming, a bit of different programming very, very soon. But in the meantime, Ben, don't forget. Tell your dog. No. No.

Starting point is 00:45:07 You listen to every episode. Tell you. I switch off at the end. Oh. Tell your. Friends. Dog. And whatever.

Starting point is 00:45:17 Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because. We love love. Oh, that's great. There you go. Bye.

Life Uncut - Summer Ask Uncut with Britt and Ben!

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