Life Uncut - TALKING SEX with Psycho-Sexologist Chantelle Otten

Episode Date: November 3, 2020

Happy Tuesday lifers!!Boy do we have a sexy episode for you! We thought it was about time we answered some more of your deep, dark and sexy questions and because we’ve been working with the amazing team over @bumble_australia we thought it would be great to get their leading relationship therapist and sexologist on to answer all your questions! Chantelle Otten, Bumbles go to sexologist. is a Psycho-Sexologist who is passionate about empowering people to feel great about their sexual health, self-esteem, communication and education. With a background in scientific research, sexual medicine, and counselling, she believes that sexuality and self-esteem are an integral part of life, which everyone is entitled to. We are also hot damn excited to have been nominated for the Best New Podcast in the Australian Podcast awards and would love you forever if you would take 1 minute out of your day to cast your vote here :https://australianpodcastawards.com/voteA big fat loving thank you to today’s sponsor @bumble_australia the app that empowers users to connect with confidence whether dating, networking, or meeting friends online. The app where women make the first move. WANT MORE LIFE UNCUT? Of course you do :Pyou can find us on instagram @lifeuncutpodcast or join our Facebook group (you guessed it) - Life Uncut Podcast!You can find more of the gem that is Chantelle @chantelle_otten_sexologistSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura and I'm Brittany and how are you Brittany? well i did the old quick turnaround this morning i got home from work at two we got back up to do this early but i'm feeling sprightly i know i've been complaining on most episodes lately guys but i've been sick for a freaking month now and i am done i just want to put me in the bin get a new co-host i'm unsubscribing from life matt 2020 is over off for fuck's sake don't replace me with matt i need a new co-host no to be fair you've been no but you've been proper sick i'm just done like literally i'm gonna use this to complain to the nation i am so done okay so we did it i

record probably two weeks ago the interview hasn't come out yet it's coming out in two weeks throughout the whole interview every like two seconds laura had to lean her head away from the mic and go and like snort up some boogies and i was like lucky we can edit all this out lucky i edit all this out no one has to listen to this again don't worry guys i know that anyone who's sick in 2020 it's like this fear of just contamination i've had so many covid tests it's not that. It's just that when you're pregnant, you have such a low immune system that you are like an old person. It's like the flu affects elderly people and pregnant people. And I had this one moment where I was lying in bed and I'm like, this is what I'm going to die

of. This is it. This is the end. It's been a good life. Now guys, we have such an exciting episode for you today. And recently we've been partnering with Bumble and that is why we're interviewing Chantel Otten, who is Bumble's resident sexologist, but she's also one of Australia's leading sexologist and just an all-around absolute legend she's answering all of your deep dark and dirty questions which normally is our Thursday episode but she's just such an expert in this field and has some really interesting perspectives around sex and relationships and I'm so excited to get into this episode. I guess the thing that really attracted me to Chantel was she calls herself or her bio is relationship expert now I know we give a lot of advice but we are definitely

not expert so it's nice to get someone else to help complement that and also like she can talk about anal sex which is something that we're not going to talk about oh yeah she'll talk about stuff where we actually will never go there so that's great I mean I try and go there and Brittany stops me let's be real I'm like I like Laura I don't stop you but I'm like just think that one through just think it through for a second there's been so many times where I will start telling a story and I'll get about three quarters of the way through whatever it is but it goes down a rabbit hole of being wildly inappropriate and Britt's like Laura I think you should really assess what you're saying right now and maybe stop speaking and then i have to edit that whole

thing out so guys you're being deprived of the content is what i'm saying i know guys i know we sometimes make a joke and be like oh wait till the daily mail picks this up but lol kano to them putting up on the front page laura burn feed her kid cat food and britney says it's okay because it's probably organic i'm sorry but it's so funny to think like where is the ethical journalism like obviously for anybody who listened to last week's episode I was talking about how Marley's going through a stage where she puts stuff in her mouth and she walks around the house sometimes eating dog food and like every child in the universe totally like I mean at least it's not dog poo but anyway obviously I'm not encouraging it but I got such a kick out of Daily Mail's article that

they wrote and I'm glad and hope that some of you did as well after we shared it on Instagram but guys before we do get into our accidentally unfiltered stories and before we do get into this episode we have some really really exciting massive I can't keep it to myself because I'm going to explode news for you no I'm not in a relationship and we're not there yet despite the thirst trap that Brittany posted on her Instagram yesterday that's a photo of her friend excuse me I can't win I put bikini photo in thirst trap a night out thirst trap now I'm with a guy thirst trap none of those are thirst traps however that photo of you and your friend you were very much wedged into his crotch so i was like if i didn't know any better i would have thought there was

something going on there so i totally get that too and we may as well just like put this away now put this to rest now he and i you could not be closer friends like we have been best friends for so long close enough that you put your hip into his penis absolutely but also can i also highlight that i we were at his birthday it's his birthday um it had been a very long day i'd had a lot to drink he's my best friend we were happy I literally someone took the photo as we were laughing I didn't even know where my leg was positioned and then I loved the photo and I was like fuck it just because I know people are gonna be like oh she's in a relationship I'm not gonna not post it you're like girl's gotta eat also guys if you don't know what we're talking about

Britt posted a photo yesterday on her Instagram of her and her best mate Simon and everyone it sparked on our Instagram it's like so many messages on our Facebook page it sparked so many messages of like is this the french guy that brit's been talking about so we're here to just put that to rest ease your souls make sure that poor old frenchie out there wherever he is doesn't think that something's going on this is just brit's friend okay she rubs her hip into his penis but that's fine like we're not going to focus on that part anyway irrelevant um what i do love is i love how enthusiastic you guys were and how much you are on my side to find in love i really realized that when i because i i post mails on my instagram so infrequently and if you

go back it's usually this guy it's usually my best friend but what was funny is the french guy follows me on instagram the fucking funny part is that everyone starts writing in the comments is this the white turtleneck guy i know he is if he's not i was dying on the inside it was like one comment then i was like okay i'll just delete that one and then it was like comment comment is this frenchy comment he looks like he could be french and i was like oh my god r.i.p me french she's going to be reading this. But I have an even cuter update on Frenchie. But this is also why you're like, I need to stop sharing my life on Life Uncut. Absolutely. Absolutely. As I say, I have an update. Dating and relationship suicide for Brittany. It actually is.

Maybe I won't give you my update. Okay, no, we won't. Come on, bring it. This also, just going to jump in. This isn't our big news, guys. No, it's not. It's not our big news. I know I prepped that to tell you something really exciting. And then we started talking about Brittany's dating live the big news is coming so hang in there um so this is the sweetest thing and i probably shouldn't say but i just will anyway like i got home from work at 2 a.m last night but whilst i was at work a delivery came for me and it was like a beautiful long stemmed rose with all this little white baby's breath around it wrapped up and delivered was it a red rose it was red did he see the irony in that i i don't know if he gets it you're like this is bringing back a whole lot

of suppressed trauma right now well no because franz don't do the bachelor so they're not really in he doesn't he's not in that world he has no he it was literally a really just a beautiful romantic gesture there was nothing underlying and i was like oh my god what i do what do i do with this because you know what i'm like if anyone's nice to me i'm like there must be something he once i don't know i just people don't do that anymore i'm surprised that you don't have more suppressed trauma around roses and just any sort of rose paraphernalia like anytime matt gives me a rose i mean he granted he's never ever given me a red rose but every time he gives me roses i'm kind of like have this weird nervous twitch yeah but you actually won imagine my twitch imagine my

ptsd okay guys now for the exciting news now i know that some of you might already know but for everyone who doesn't. And we just, and this is like a small moment for us to kind of revel in just an accomplishment that's kind of happened recently. So in Australia, we have the podcast awards. They happen every year. And this year we've been nominated for the best new podcast. Of the year. I just honestly, like, I just want to firstly say thank you so much to all of you who listen. You are the reason why we have received this nomination. And, and there are, this year there's been hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of new podcasts that have started it's been like the year of podcasts and I think COVID and lockdown has really kind of ignited that and

podcasts have really been thrown into the forefront so the competition was incredibly fierce we feel so grateful that we've made it this far but we have a favor to ask we want to win no guys we do have a favor to ask so what happens is you get nominated for all these categories so we've been nominated for the best new podcast but then there's a category that is the listeners choice award essentially the public votes for who they think is not only the best new podcast but just their favorite podcast to listen to the only way for us to win that guys and we we're going to put it out there is to go on to the podcast website so it's the australian podcast awards and you literally can vote for your favorite podcast so you just type it'll say what podcast

are you voting for you can put in life uncut all you do is put in your email and you press enter then you have to just go to your email and authorize the vote so that you know it's legit and they don't think that you're out there spamming or creating fake accounts i know that every episode we ask if you guys can leave a review but for every person who has listened to an episode and gotten something out of it and loved it like we would just so greatly appreciate if you could go to the show notes in this episode click on the link we'll chuck it in there and you can go straight to it it takes 20 seconds to vote and we will love you forever and we're absolutely groveling but we're gonna keep doing it guys i actually think we could probably go a step

one step bigger and put it in our bio on our instagram holy shit let's put the link in bio all right now enough of that let's get into some accidentally unfiltered stories before we bring chantelle on all right i'm coming in hot hit me okay this happened a little while ago but it still haunts me to this day i was 18 and i had been dating my boyfriend at the time for about a year he came over it in the late afternoon and well no one was home so we're like fuck let's just have sex mom and dad had gone out but the dog was still around so we just really went to town we disposed of the condom in the bin next to my bed when we're done the dog's around like i know but the dog's around so we really put on a show for him poor old rover it's so gross

would have locked him out um so we put the condom in the bin and that was that a few hours later we are all sitting at the family dinner table having dinner with my mom and my dad and my two younger brothers out of nowhere my dog my supposedly loyal dog comes running out of my bedroom races past the table over to the other side of the room dad goes hey little buddy what you got there in your mouth as he gets up from the table and starts walking towards her mid spaghetti mouthful it occurred to me what my dog had but before i could say anything he picked up the dog in one hand and pulled out our used condom in the other turns over to look at the table with a look i have never seen on his face ever he comes up to me oh i feel sick i just had a full body shudder

like oh he looks from the condom to me with the realization my heart sinks i don't know where to look everyone is silent dad walks over to me throws the condom on my plate in front of my entire family and boyfriend and says dispose elsewhere immediately safe to say I moved overseas and I've never been back like I've never spoken to my family since changed my last name I've been adopted by a Canadian family to make it worse my dad thought I was a virgin sorry dad oh my god I actually would die I'm thinking because we eat dinner at the table every night my whole family like we're a big sit-down family imagine if your dog came up to your dad in front of your family when he thinks you're a virgin and puts a used condom in his lap.

I have a really bad used condom story, which is too much for the podcast. We can't say that if we don't hold it. I'm going to hold it. It's a parent finding a used condom. It's a whole thing. But I'm just going to say I really relate to this and I feel really sorry for you and it brought back a lot of memories. And you know what?

You're only 18 once, so fuck it. Enjoy yourself. Sorry, Dad. Okay, I actually have two accidentally unfiltered stories. Have you got another one? You're so crazy. No, because you've gone wild. I have gone wild, but I don't know if I can do these back to back, but they're really good. Well, I mean, fuck, I'll stop pumping them up. Anyway, I'll stop being a hype girl. One year ago, I was a personal banker for Commonwealth

and I've always been really, really professional, but I'm also super bubbly. So sometimes I like to make a joke here and there as an icebreaker with my clients. This one day I had a customer come in and he was telling me he wanted to open a bank account for his daughter. He wanted to put a thousand dollars in it every month so that she had big savings she could tap into when she was 18. Wow. That's nice. Yeah. Thanks dad. She said, I complimented him. I was seriously impressed by this and I don't know why, but the following sentence came out of my mouth. I wish you were my daddy. So you could put money in my account. He didn't hear me. Thank God. And he said, I'm sorry. What was that? Not as in like, excuse me, what the hell did you just say?

but as in I'm sorry I actually legitimately missed that so I had my chance to redeem myself right no no no no I actually just repeated it word for word oh I said I wish you were my daddy so you could put money in my account you've been given a gift woman you've been giving a gift to start over he excused himself and told me he would be opening the bank account online what the actual fuck is wrong with me to this day it still keeps me awake some nights to be fair i wish he was my daddy as well oh yeah also fair who doesn't want their daddy putting money a thousand dollars in constantly like i think you are my daddy i think that's fair and i i doubt she was saying it with heavy breathing i hope she was i hope she was like daddy put it in you see you're holding like

a wad of cash you know in slow motion how they just push it out of their palms making it rain baby okay so I have another one this is very different also like I like that these ones aren't so super well actually yours was disgusting okay I'll take that back okay this one that's not mine personally I've always wanted to try laser hair removal but have never had the courage however after lockdown ended there has been a huge sale on my local hair laser removal clinic and so I thought fuck it I might go go for it see what I get so I paid for 10 visits and set off for the first one. I was a little nervous, but excited for my new hairless body, my bald snatch. So I decided it would be great to go full Brazilian all the way front to back. I figured that was

pretty normal. The lovely nurse comes in. She gives me a brief heads up, explains how it all works. And then she leaves the room for me to take off my underwear and get ready. She comes back in and decides we're going to laser the hair around my asshole first. Oh, well and good so far. So the instructions I'm given are lay on your right side use your left hand to pull up your bum cheek wow this is getting graphic so here I am laying on my side hand pulling up my bum while this lady sticks a laser around my arsehole now on my left hand I wear this gorgeous silver ring with a bright blue gemstone it was handmade by one of my friend's boyfriends so it's really really unique so this lady saw my gorgeous ring and said in a way to break the awkward silence that's a really

cute ring you have there i happened to forget that i was wearing the ring it just made sense in my head that the nurse was complimenting the ring of my butt yeah i know so still on my side i say very awkwardly um thank you i guess it's gonna be a lot nicer once it's hairless cue the awkward laugh then the silence until i realized that she was not in fact talking about my butthole she finished the rest of the appointment without saying a word and i dashed out as soon as possible still recovering if i was a nurse i would have literally said oh no babe i meant the ring on your hand like that's you can get it out of that you don't have to be that awkward in that situation when your hand and your face is deep in a bottle but also i think some people just don't know how

to respond to awkward situations or even like that sort of satirical humor even yesterday so yesterday matt was on the phone to a gp and i know the gp is like it's not all of them some of them have to be a little bit more a personality type and straighty 180 so we had a teleconference for Marley because she'd been sick and we needed to get approval for her to go back to daycare anyway the doctor calls up on the telehealth call and he calls and he gets Matt he goes great he goes hi I need to speak to Marley and then Matt continues talking but doesn't actually explain that he's her dad and that Marley's one anyway halfway through the conversation Matt goes oh I should probably tell you like I'm Marley's dad Marley's one she can't really speak on the phone

and the doctor goes yeah yes thank you for that I figured that put Marley on please now I figured I figured that's so straighty 180 and I was like well yeah that that joke fell down on the floor well they are and also you can miss the beat when it's a conference or on zoom as well like I just feel like it's different to when it's not jokes don't land as well no it was pretty okay I think that's enough of that all right guys let's get into the episode we told you before we've got Bumble's sexologist Chantel Otten in the house today. We had you guys writing your questions and we're gaming hot with them and she's done a really, really good job. I'm so excited about this because she does get to answer the questions that we're just never going to. So let's go meet Chantel.

The woman, the myth, the legend, Bumble's resident sexologist and relationship therapist, Chantel Otten. Welcome to Life Uncut. thank you so much thanks for having me thanks so much for coming to the show laura and i have been so excited about this we we love the dirty chat we love the sex chat but there's a lot we feel like we can't answer or we don't want to answer sometimes i start answering these questions and brit's like you need to delete that you can't talk about double penetration and masturbation it's going to end up in the daily mail and i'm like okay backtrack and that's why we have you here. Yeah, happy to talk about all of that. It might end up in Daily Mail anyway, but

as long as it doesn't come from a professional perspective. Yeah, exactly. So speaking of professional perspective, tell us just about you, who you are, how you came to be where you are right now. What did you study and just like what put you on the sex path? So I'm a sexologist. I have the largest psychosexology clinic in Australia. So that means that we deal with the biggest sexual organ, which is the brain. I studied psychology and I didn't want to be a generalized psychologist because it's just not me. I'm a bit goal orientated. And I've always been very comfortable talking about sex. I have a Dutch family. It was all kind of out on the table, dinner table conversation. And one day my mom called me and said, you should watch this TED

talk by Esther Perel, who's a famous psychotherapist. You're both nodding. Everyone knows who she is. And I thought, why aren't we talking about sex in Australia? And why are no young professionals talking about sex? And I was 22 back then. So I thought, you know what, I'm going to figure out how to do this. And I went around Melbourne and I met other sex therapists, but I was kind of shocked to find that there were no psychosexologists or sex therapists kind of integrated into the healthcare system and I just I couldn't find one in Australia so I enrolled in my science and medicine degree through Sydney University and I was able to do majority of that online and move to back to Amsterdam so I have a Dutch family and I had

lived in Amsterdam before and they have a lot of sexologists there that are the best in the world so I wanted to find one that could train me to be really good and so I did so I did a dual degree I did my sexology degree there and then my science med degree here and I was flying back every um four months or so to go to the uni in Sydney and uh yeah I kind of smashed it out of the ballpark and did a lot of free work and um came back here when I was about 26 and started my clinic and now it's just grown to about 10 people and the power of social media is also I guess to help change the conversation in Australia and I definitely can notice a big change which is exciting. What sort of patients do you have that come in patients or clients that come in

and want to speak to you about like what is like the most common presentation I guess? I see people of all genders of all orientations I see individuals and couples I would say I see a lot of sexual pain patients. For women, I see a lot of erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, a lot of relational issues. And then, I mean, my staff can deal with a lot of that. I like to deal with very heavy, complex medical cases and trauma cases. Because once you have a sexual problem, you usually have quite a few other things that are kind of going on in the background. And I would say that my job in very simple terms is to be a detective into someone's sex life and why they're having a problem and how we can unravel all the other things that might contribute to that

we essentially put a lot of questions out to our listeners but before we do that chantal we do a section with everyone we do it every episode every guest we have on does it it's called accidentally unfiltered long story short we want to know your most embarrassing moment or a very embarrassing moment if your most embarrassing moment is too embarrassing nothing is too embarrassing uh you know what happens though everyone goes I have so many and then they start to think about it and they're like can't tell that one can't tell that one that's exactly what's going through my head right now um so I'm gonna tell one that involves me and a friend um I was in Japan a few years ago with one of my close friends who shall not be named um because she

needs to remain anonymous for this we went to a karaoke bar in japan and we were so drunk on saki and yuzu and we got there and they wouldn't let us in um and i don't know we had this crowd of people that we'd accumulated along the way and we were like we just want to do karaoke and they wouldn't let us in so we decided to go back to our hotel room and keep drinking but do karaoke on my photo booth on on my computer and it got perfect it got to the point that my friend actually started twerking into the computer camera but she didn't have underwear on and I didn't even realize until the next morning when I opened up my computer and somehow we've managed to change my email photo my Facebook photo all of the photos to this photo of her twerking with no

underwear on and it was my professional like email and I we're getting like I had an out of office on so anyone who had emailed me overnight had got this email back saying I was out of office with her cooch just on the street but at least it's sort of in line with what you do I reckon that anyone who received that would have been like oh that's alternate okay she's pushing boundaries this is fine imagine if you're a school teacher no if there's any profession that can get away with a fuck up like that it's being a sexologist so I feel like you're semi safe I think the other part of it that's really concerning is people probably thought it was you yeah well that's fine because she was like why did you change your photo to that and I was like

I didn't do that you I don't know what's happened you twerk too hard babe I also love the fact that you've said this story like the classic look I swear this happened to a friend of mine yeah this was definitely not my vagina that was on my emails I swear it's definitely not me no I would admit if it was mine because that's a good looking one to have on the screen hers was great too I love that all right well let's jump into some of the questions so we did put it out there we just wanted to know what everyone wants to know some are just tame and about dating and others are a bit more sex a one of the main questions we get is women can't climax and whether that is some women have said I can't climax with my partner but I can do it on my own and other

women have said I can't climax at all I get close and I don't get over the line so essentially they want to know what are they doing wrong what can they do to get over the line and anything you can do to help them get that big oh yeah cool so they're probably not doing anything wrong actually about 15% of women just cannot have an orgasm. It's just not within the structural, I guess, capacity of what's going on in their vulva, in their vagina area. However, I think a lot of it comes down to what they're expecting. So remember that an orgasm is not essential to sexual satisfaction. An orgasm is not the goal that you have to reach in the bedroom. But I think for a lot of people, they're trying so hard to reach that goal. It's kind of like happiness. The more

you're trying to get it, the more out of reach it starts getting for you. So I don't know if anyone's ever tried, who can orgasm, tried really hard to reach orgasm by focusing on it so much. It just doesn't happen. So you actually just need to take the pressure off yourself and not focus on receiving an orgasm, but actually focus on sexual satisfaction. I think another problem is we are trained by a patriarchal society to look at orgasms as having to be penetrative and if you go back to Freud he said any woman who couldn't have a penetrative orgasm was like an immature woman and of less standard but the point is it's our clitoris that's going to give us the orgasm and if we can have an orgasm through penetration it's just because whatever it is the penis the

fingers the dildo is rubbing against the clitoral nerves that surround the inside of the vagina so our clitoris is actually going into the vagina around seven centimeters and surrounding those walls. For anyone who wants to try and have an orgasm, I would suggest taking your mind off the goal of orgasm, just focusing on your body, having a good time, and then seeing what feels right when you're touching yourself, or maybe you're using a great clitoral vibrator, maybe not straight on the clitoris. It might be a little bit too intense and that might lead to overstimulation, which means you won't be able to achieve that orgasm. You'll just go, it's way too intense. I can't touch it anymore. So maybe focus on around the vulva or have your underwear on and masturbate through

your underwear because that just takes the pressure off as well. However, you might also just need a sexology appointment so we can try and see what we can achieve for you. I think there's a lot of guilt as well attached to it because I think that it's like always seen as the end goal and like if you don't get to that oh then like what was the point almost or like you know especially for a female it's like you feel like you've let your partner down and like they're not doing a good enough job which I guess is where this whole Freudian thing comes into like the fragile male ego and it's like well it can't possibly be me it must be something that's wrong with you yeah exactly exactly and you know how many people have had pull me aside

how many males have had pull me aside and go oh my girlfriend can't come and you know she's not too bothered but like I'm worried about her and I'm like well just let her go like she's having a fun time just let her enjoy it she'll come to me when it's a problem I love that the men are actually going out and seeking assistance in this I love that they haven't just put on the woman and there are men being like she's happy but I want to get her there yeah no you're very very um right I think it depends on what the motivation is and if the person who isn't having an orgasm actually feels like there's a problem because she might be totally happy and he's saying well it's not good enough so I think it really depends on who wants to achieve that goal and also why does it

have to be a goal it's like when people talk about sex they're only talking about penetrative sex not the umbrella term for sexual activity and specifically talking um in back in relation to not being able to orgasm i feel like what we just spoke about was mainly directed at women that can't orgasm at all but what what advice do you have for the women that know they can orgasm they've done it with past partners they do it on their own and then all of a sudden they get in to the bedroom with their current partner and they can't do it no i think it it might be dependent on how they're expecting to orgasm with their partner do they expect their partner to get them off or are they touching themselves during the sexual encounter and making sure that they have

the stimulation that usually works for them while they're by themselves i think you can run into trouble where women go my male partner has to do it for me and that's how we're going to get to i guess cohesion and a successful place together whereas a lot of the time it's very well all of the time it's very okay for you to reach down and touch your clitoris while you're having partnered sex or use a vibrator on yourself while you're having partnered sex it's just an extension of your sexual self and it should be included in the erotic ignata we have so many questions that come in which is around female orgasm but then the second most popular question that we had was my boyfriend struggles with erectile problems what can he do and what should we do together

to overcome this and i'm not sure if this is like erectile is in premature ejaculation or just can't get hard but i'm gonna say that both of those things are problems that we've all encountered at different points in our relationships. So erectile dysfunction is when you can't get hard and then premature ejaculation is when you ejaculate too early. It's not about a specific time. It's just coming too early and leading to dissatisfaction or distress. Erectile dysfunction, look, you're right. I think it really depends on the relationship and that person. It's a problem if it's been going on for a period of time and you're both distressed by it. And that's when you can do some work around just getting your body checked out by a medical expert because

erectile dysfunction can often be an indicator of early disease or other problems in the male body maybe heart disease or blood pressure but a lot of the time it's going on behind the eyes so it's really a psychological problem a lot of the time and I think when someone has erectile dysfunction once, they start to get worried. Am I going to have that the next time? Is it going to work the next time? And they start building themselves up so much that kind of like orgasm, they just can't reach it. And it starts going down because their anxiety is so high. So it's about it. They need to have a bit of a team behind them, a medical team, a sexologist and a supportive partner. But I think as well, for a lot of people, when they first start seeing someone,

like if even if a guy is really into you or if they're really nervous like these can all be reasons around it as well and then like you said getting in their own head about oh like fuck is it gonna happen again and then yeah of course it's it happens again and we can be very quick to dismiss that as a problem because obviously it is a problem if you're wanting to be having sex and you're meeting this each time you get to the bedroom but I think that it's that anxiety around it that builds and builds and builds and creates a much bigger problem than it necessarily needs to be and what if every time you're trying to have sex you've had way too many drinks beforehand I think that's where you need to identify what's actually surrounding these circumstances and

speaking of premature orgasms in men we did have I think two women writing so it's not common obviously because I didn't really know it was a thing but I think it's worth mentioning premature orgasms in women we had one girl writing say she's really embarrassed by it she's ashamed that she does it she thinks that if she tells her partner about it or someone she's seen they're going to kick her out um I'm like if you can get to an orgasm in three minutes that's fucking great I was reading your question girlfriend just go to bed I was reading the question and I was like I'm sorry where's the problem but I think it said on that I think the problem sometimes might be that these people cannot orgasm again so they might be finished and if they're still getting

stimulation it becomes way too intense for them that they actually have to pull out of the sexual situation. So yeah, I mean, so fun to be able to orgasm very quickly and hopefully orgasm again. But for some women, it can become a little bit distressing, especially if they lose that lubrication, especially if they're having penetrative sex with someone and it just becomes way too intense on their clitoral nerves and they're feeling uncomfortable. I don't know if you've ever had an orgasm and you've been like, oh, I feel orgasm. And they're like, oh, I haven't finish and you're like oh god I'm ready to go to sleep now and I'm feeling done yeah every single time every single time I'm like a one yeah I'm a one-hit wonder so once it's happened I'm like

fucking get it done pal time is money now well no the second the second half of this girl's question was actually that it is a one-hit wonder so she did say she's like I'll come like that fantastic and then it can't happen again and I think that is where the problem is like we joke about whoo you come so quickly but I think that's where the issue lies the question then would be like tips to prolonging the orgasm but I don't think necessarily being a one-hit wonder is a problem you know like I don't think that there's like everyone's body's different and everyone experiences things differently and some people can have multiple orgasms easily and some people can't and just because somebody else can do something doesn't mean that that makes it the norm yeah so first

of all I would say it's it's not even about being a one-hit wonder it's the fact that she's coming before she actually wants to come she's not able to have fun in the erotic circumstance because it might be within one minute they might be getting hot and heavy and she's like okay well that was good it's distressing her so when it's distressing anyone that's when it's a problem what we can do is yes if she finishes just take a break so no one go near the vulva area for a while and play with other areas of the body maybe you focus on him or her depending on your orientation you do some kissing, you do some butt play, you do some nipple play, you do whatever you want, but not focus on the vulva. Or there are ways that we can treat it from a medical point of view and

psychological point of view. So maybe it's about reconditioning the way that you orgasm, which is something that I play a big part in. And maybe it's also about taking some medication that might help prolong it a little bit, kind of like what we do with premature ejaculation. How do you find confidence in the bedroom when you're not very confident in your body? Well, confidence is not something you're born with. It's something that you have to make. So it's actually about putting in the work, right? There's been times where all of us in this conversation have probably felt a little bit shit about where we're at and how we're feeling within ourselves. And we've had to put in the little steps to get to where we need to go and hopefully get to a better place. So I would say

it's about dedication and not being afraid to focus on yourself and give yourself I guess the the tools and the conversations to be able to feel more confident I believe in putting on music I believe in expressing yourself and being vulnerable and true to yourself I believe in having a good partner that's able to accept you and if not I mean at the minimum they should be worshipping you in the bedroom. It's a gift. Your body is a gift to them. And I really think that it's about taking that time. So a lot of people need to do some work from psychology, from sexology. Maybe it's about having sex positive people around you. Maybe it's about looking at yourself in the mirror once in a while, taking some good photos of yourself and just seeing how you can

get to a place where you add on little bits of confidence to create a whole level of confidence and I think it's also important to remember as well that like confidence isn't it's not a number on the scales it's not necessarily correlative to how you look or how you perceive the way you look like there are a lot of people who are super fit and like you would look at them and think that they look like absolute models and they are so lacking in self-confidence and pull themselves apart. And then there's other people who are plus size and have incredible body confidence. So it's not reflective of where you're at in your own physical journey, but it's very much a mental thing and getting to a point where you're accepting yourself for who you are and what you look like at

each point along the way. Yeah. It's about the energy, right? I've always been in a big believer in like faking it till you make it. I'm not talking about faking your orgasms. I am talking about like faking your confidence because you end up feeling more confident if you pretend that you're more confident right it's funny I did a um I did an interview this week for one of the magazines and one of the questions was have you always been this confident and my answer was absolutely not my confidence came probably in the last two three years at 30 years old but I actually said my trick was anyone that looks at me from the outside would think that I was super confident my whole life but I faked it I faked it the whole time I would pretend I was

I would go chasing things and I'd put myself forward but anyone that knows me personally knew that there was a constant battle and I think when I look back in terms of just becoming more confident in yourself I look back to when I was younger an athlete tiny like if we're talking superficial skinny toned fit like tanned I look back and I'm like damn I wish I would look like that now but I was so I was so unconfident in who I was I didn't want anyone to see me naked I didn't want to wear a bikini at the beach and now I'm like in my 30s heavier bigger wider saggier boobs stretch marks the whole lot and I'm more confident than I have ever been and I think it just comes with life experience and age and finally getting to the point where you're like

you know what I just don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks of me anymore but it's just it I think people just need to realize that it comes from inside it doesn't matter what you look like it's a feeling and an energy it's got nothing to do with anything superficial and I think it's really important once people start to realize that and look at themselves in a different light I think that's when it comes you know you can be unhealthy in the way that you feel within your body and I think that's a big problem that we have in society and that's something that's affected me and a lot of my patients where you've just not been good within your body and once you grow into that and I think it comes with maturity and I think it comes with also having your own standards within

who you're interacting with in your life and how you're interacting with yourself and how you value your own I guess health and well-being and taking it not not being so fast-tracked all the time I think as well I think our expectations of ourselves are extremely high for this generation because we're surrounded by perfection on Instagram and perfection in media and society but the realities are that we all know life's still pretty grimy and like I'm sitting right now in my cupboard like on the floor talking to you wearing my boyfriend's clothes like nothing is real on social media it's just everyone's just living their life right we are always saying to the listeners like me we record this usually in my bedroom or my bed with like piles of dirty washing

and like a crying baby next door like you know if social media is an illusion you can't compare your life to what other people have because behind that that person may be inherently incredibly unhappy people are becoming more and more aware of this the fact that like social media is a bit of a it's a it's a photo album you know it's it's a highlight reel but that's not to say that there aren't still times where you can look at somebody else's life or you can look at what somebody else looks like and think fuck they have it all and it plays into those insecurities it's on that i've just had this thought now come at me Brittany I think and tell me what you guys think but I think we take our clothes off we get naked and we all we can think about is like every imperfection that

we think we have a guy is standing there going holy shit she's naked like they're not looking at the things that we think they're looking at they're not bothered by the things that we're personally bothered by if a guy is looking at you naked he's happy to be there he's not looking that your second toe is longer than your big toe I totally agree and I think it also goes without saying that they're probably pretty nervous the first time they have sex with you too I mean first time Dylan and I got together can you imagine what his nerves were like he was going to get into bed with a sex expert and I was going to get into bed with like of course everyone gets really nervous and it gets better with time you've just got to accept that situation

and the fact that sex is also it's sweaty it can be dirty it can be really unflattering but it's still really fucking hot on dill how did you guys we love a love story how did that come about how did you guys meet and then you can tell us about how nervous he was for the first time and i like that you're saying he was nervous but he also may have been like this is gonna be fucking great she clearly knows what she's doing look i can't speak for dill you'll have to ask him yourself but how did we meet i didn't know who this infamous dylan alcott was i had no idea who dylan was when i met him um i actually went with a friend to his book signing and i was just uh out of a relationship and i looked at him across

the room and i was like pmsing really hard and i was wearing a big oversized t-shirt and you know when your hair's like slick back and your skin's all like oily and you're just like you're like rolling in the in the hormones and i i saw him at the front of the room and i was like oh fuck i am in love like this is the one i'm gonna be with him yeah and then i was like i'm not gonna to go talk to him. It's complex. He's the one, I love him. And now I'm going to moonwalk out of here without saying a word. You're like, but I'm going to stalk him on social media and slide into his DMs. No, I decided to be very smart. I was like, if he noticed me, I will like, it's going to happen. Um, so I breadcrumbed a little bit. I put up on my Instagram story, this is Dylan

Alcott's book. He talks about sex and disability in his book. Cause it was very important to my work and he sent me a message and he's like thanks so much for coming I saw you at the back of the room where the fuck did you go you're like I had to take my sweaty PMS body out of the back look at this I have goosebumps don't I yeah I'm the biggest sucker for a love story like my whole body has goosebumps right now I'm such a loser anyway and I was like look let's go out for drinks and we went for drinks and we spent like 12 hours together we went out on one more date and then I went back to Holland for two months and um he I don't know we were just chatting a few times he was doing Oz Open and he was you know one as he usually does at the Oz Open and I started to find

out more about his life during that time and and then I got back from two months away and I moved into his house within a week and we've been together ever since and so it just happened yeah isn't this true to our generation though like it's so funny you were there in the wild with him face to face you could have spoken to him but instead we're like I've got a really complex plan I'm gonna go home tag and Instagram in hopes that he sees it and responds to me I'm gonna like five photos from about four years ago and that'll really seed it in there that I've invested it's so it's so this generation or I'll just start talking about sex and disability a lot on my Instagram. No, it just, I don't know, it worked out. And I mean, he and I, I feel so lucky

to be with him. He's such a beautiful person. And like any relationship, you have to grow and develop together. And he's been so supportive of my career and of the work that I do and the help that I give people. And likewise, I think he's just doing an amazing job for the disability community. And, you know, he's an amazing athlete and everything that he does, he tries his best at and works so hard every day. So I really admire all of that. I met Dylan quite a few years ago when actually the show had just finished, Bachelor had just finished. It was at this like festival in Centennial Park. And he was like, you, he's like, you need to talk to Warner Brothers because they need a fucking disability bachelor on there. And he's like, I'm your guy. And I was like,

this is true we do but anyway i'll stop i'll stop poaching him now he's well taken he would he would have been a really hot batchy so i'm i'm happy that he that didn't happen um but he actually told me about you when we first got together so he was like she's so nice and they're just so happy okay this is like four-way relationships game we have so many questions that come in though around dating and like obviously a lot of our listeners are in the throes of of trying to find their person are a bit depleted by going in dating thinking they've found their person then it not working out again but we get a lot of questions around ghosting and that seems to be like a current theme and conversation that we have a lot on the podcast what is your advice

just say someone has met a partner on bumble or online dating and gone on a few dates they think it's going really really well what is your advice when like all of a sudden you can feel that person pulling back or you feel like they're ghosting you whatever that sort of you know that feeling when you're like oh oh the pullback that's happening well they just don't message you back yeah ever I really think if you feel like someone is pulling back and going into um their shell or the abyss wherever they're going I think it's okay to say hey I've noticed that you're pulling back a little bit or that we're not talking as often I just want to know if there's anything going on can I help you with anything or you know are you just not feeling it because that's also

okay I think it's important to ask that because I do think that sometimes you can get into the playing games territory. Like sometimes it's important to just call a spade a spade and get that closure because you may find that by asking that it prompts them to say, Hey, I've been thinking about it. I'm, I'm, you know, this isn't, I'm not as into it as I thought I was or whatever it is. Like, and maybe that answer may not make you feel very good in the moment, but getting the closure earlier on than being, it's something that's drawn out for two weeks because they don't have the balls to tell you that they're trying to soft fade you. It means that you can move on faster and get back on the dating bandwagon and start swiping your ass off again.

Let your hair down. Laugh, laugh, ride. No, I think if someone ghosts you, it's all right if someone's pulling back that you, I think if they're just slowly pulling back, you can say, babe, what's wrong? Like I'm sensing this. If someone's just hardcore ghosted you, cut you off, not responding to you. My advice to people is always like, forget them, move on. They're not giving you the time of day.

They're not giving you the energy. They're not giving you any respect. Yeah, put them in the trash can. that's totally fine because there's going to be that there's going to be that unicorn out there that we're going to find and it won't ghost you how big a trash can do we have now it's like a dumpster out the front on the lawn yeah yeah they're gonna have to remove it with a tow truck all right spanking let's talk spanking there's a lot of women that ride in saying that they want to start sexing it up in the bedroom they want to spice it up they want their partner to be a bit

more physical spank them but they don't know how to do it they don't know how to because they've never done it with their relationship so they don't know how to ask it or start it so how do they do that and I guess this doesn't just have to be indicative of spanking like it's like trying to bring anything new into the bedroom that might feel a bit risque where you're a bit nervous to ask for it yeah this is such a good question because it really depends on the couple right I think if you're going to have any kind of conversations about sex probably don't do it in the bedroom because that's when you can be really emotional and your partner can be emotional I think when it comes to talking about new things that you want to try in the bedroom, it's actually articulating what you want from that experience and probably doing a little bit of research beforehand and maybe just saying, I would like to try this.

you can say it in person if you like or what a lot of people do is grab my instagram post and they send it to their partner to open up that conversation with them or they say i saw this great toy online i'm gonna buy it i want to use it with you what are your thoughts or just shoot it as a text i want to try spanking with you tonight what's your vibe because at least with a text message you have time to really consider what's going on and you can say when you get home So that was the message. Not sure about it, but let's give it a go. Whenever someone says no, I think you also have to articulate with them, okay, what are your hesitations? And I get that it's a no for now, but it might not be a no for forever. It's just about actually working with each other and making sure that your sex life is safe as well and that you can communicate openly. if you're not able to talk about it outside the bedroom then it means that you might have some troubles inside the bedroom so I would really recommend if you struggle with that communication

actually doing some work on it because it's so important well like talking about like spanking is one thing but I think like one one conversation that can sometimes get shut down before it really happens is about having anal sex either end of the table some guys really want it some girls are like hell no it's a one-way entry and some people are super open to it but if you are someone who hasn't tried it yet is really hesitant to try it because you've heard some horror stories or maybe you've tried a little bit and it hurt and then therefore you just ruled it out what would be your advice because I think that there are a lot of guys who are like hey I want to try this but it can it can be that conversation can be shut down very quickly I think yeah of course I think

that it also depends on how you approach it you know if you're if you're saying I want to try it and it's outside the bedroom, then you might have more of a chance of going, well, what about it do you want to try? And how do you want to start? Do you want to just start with playing around the anus? Do you want to put something inside? Do you want to use a toy, your finger, your appendage? What is it? Whereas if it's inside the bedroom, I think a lot of people get scared of anal sex because they think, all right, it's just going to go in and it's going to be big. You're going to use lube are you going to use spit like what's going on here and I think that it actually needs to be something that is broken down into very small little bits and introduced slowly and surely

and safely there needs to be a lot of conversation and there needs to be loads of lube as well because you don't get natural lube in the back and like take your time I think you know there definitely are guys who just will try and shove it in and then that's not gonna I mean I'm sure there's people out there who can go down that path and do that great. But it's like, this is time intensive work people. If you want to make that happen, like you've got to put in the hard yards. So like, I think, you know, you've got to have a partner that's patient and isn't impatient in the bedroom and actually will kind of like follow you through that and get you to a point where you're comfortable. Totally. I think a lot of people have trauma as well from people in the

past or maybe their teenage years where they might've tried it and it just didn't go well. and it's very intense anal sex there's a lot of nerve endings around the anus so it feels very different from other types of sexual activity so i think if you've had a bad experience and your partner wants to try it again just actually say to them you know what i've tried it before it didn't go so well so i will say yes to little bits with you but we have to stage it and i am the person in control because you're putting something inside of me how would one and what should they do to prepare for anal sex if they've never done it is there actually things that they need to do to make sure step one step one do not have a heavy dinner beforehand um we actually no

we get so many accidentally unfiltered stories coming i actually we get so many that are about we don't tell a lot of the anal sex accidentally unfiltered stories because they're just so far off the richter of it being inappropriate that we're like we need to wind this back in guys No, but a lot of them talk about like little, one girl yesterday wrote in and said she had like a little poop nugget come out, like it was like a stone and she had to try and catch it in her hand before. Just flick it off the bed?

She did before her partner saw it. That's fine. I don't know what that is. It's anal sex. There is stuff in there. Of course you're going to get those times. It's not going to be super clean all the time and I think that that's the point.

There are so many horror stories but all you've got to do is laugh at it. at the end of the day if you're agreeing to have any type of sexual activity you're going to have mess at some point and uh you know i don't want anyone to ever be embarrassed if that kind of stuff happens to them because it's not a problem but i do think if you're preparing maybe have a hot shower or bath beforehand make sure you haven't eaten heavy meals during the day and no indian food whatsoever no spice um and you know just ease into it maybe you can try it first in the shower if you want, depending on what type of relationship you have. And then I would say try by actually putting your partner, putting some lube on their fingers and feeling around

the anus and not putting anything inside you. If you want to try slowly, you can use a finger first with some lubricant on it. No long nails like the ones that I have. If you have long nails, we don't want you to be putting them inside your partner. Maybe just use a dildo with a base instead a small vibrator um or you can use a you know a penis is is fine but that needs to be built up to and you need to go extremely slow and really make sure that your partner is on the same wavelength around controlling the pace because if he's going in there or if she's going in there with a strap on it depends on your relationship and starts thrusting away you're just going to be like, whoa, this is way too much. Anyone that's listening, no curry. Going back to a dating

question. I'm newly single. I need help getting back online. What are some tips for making a good Bumble profile? So like, what are the do's and what are the absolute don'ts? What are the turn ons? What are the turn off? You guys can help me out with this one because I also think it's like, it's such a, it's such a funny one. You know, I love looking at my friends' profiles. I love being someone that they confide in. I really think you can't give it all away because you need to have some mystery in your relationship to be able to cultivate desire. And you want people to actually ask you on a date. So you don't want to tell them, these are my standards. This is what I'm looking for. I want to be married and I want a baby and we need to live in this area. I think it's more

about like, okay, I like to have fun. My favorite song at the moment is blah, blah, blah. What I'm looking forward to doing when I get out of lockdown is blah, blah, blah. So that they actually have a incentive to ask you on a date. You know, I see that you want to go to this bar after lockdown. Have you gone yet? Can I take you, for example, or I can see that you're into surfing. That's amazing. Can you teach me? So you need to actually give them a little bit of insight into who you are and your hobbies and things that you still want to do. So they have the opportunity to ask you if they can come with you on those things yeah I agree I don't think that you should be I think having the conversation about what you're looking for in terms of relationship

cook up fun I think that that can come in the early stages of when you're actually chatting I don't think you should be putting on your profile because it can be a big deterrent and whilst you're looking for a relationship that's not to say you might not want to have a really fun night in the interim of while you're looking for your penguin so I think that's a really strong tip is don't put it all out there on your profile on day one it does come across super aggressive doesn't it I remember when I was online dating this is going back a while ago but I was looking for a relationship like I wanted to be with someone but I know that anytime I would see a guy being like looking for a relationship or only looking for hangs and bangs or whatever it was

looking for casual hookup I'd be like oh come on pal like at least entertain the thought and you kind of just flick past because there's a bit of an arrogance about it I doesn't need to be like veto on the profile totally it makes you feel like you're wasting their time if you're chatting to them and you're like oh i'm you're wanting a relationship but what if i want one too but not so quickly like we're not just gonna fall into it straight away or what if it's not with you like what if i want a relationship and we meet and you're not the right person for me like that is all of those things are okay as well i said this to brit when she first showed me her dating profile brit's lit my profile brit's dating profile was like i mean she's a babe so she could put anything

up but she it literally was like victoria's secret model victoria's secret model victoria and i was like britney i think you need to put at least one photo up where you look normal like just normal i always say like it's okay to put your best photos forward but you also have to put some photos where you genuinely look like you look yeah like you make sure that it's not to a point where you know there's their selfies and there's you know they've got filters on and you look so perfect like people want to know that you're a real and raw person as well i started off with best of the best for my profile was like I did I put the best out there because that was in the early days so I thought that's what I needed until I realized now people don't want that

people want real I want to ask you about vaginismus this is something that has come up loads and I think that there's a lot of people who one don't really know what it is I mean I think I put myself in the basket where I don't really know what it is what is it and how common is this yeah so one in 10 women will have painful sex at some point in their life and a lot of the time it will come down to this word vaginismus which sounds like christmas for the vagina but it's opposite it's like halloween there's no presence here it's not presence this is hell it is hell so basically what happens when you have vaginismus you have to think if something is going inside your vagina maybe it's a finger maybe it's a tampon maybe it's a penis or um a cervical screening you start to

feel this intense burning like sensation. There's stinging, there's burning, there's tightness or sometimes you might not be able to get something into the vagina. It's like hitting a brick wall and that's because your pelvic floor which are the muscles that surround your vagina are so tight that they're clenching up and making sure nothing can get in your vagina. So it's extremely common. It's the number one thing that I treat in my clinic and it probably makes up about 40% of the patients who come into my clinic. It's my favorite thing to treat because it's actually the most treatable sexual problem that you can have. Because what you need to do is actually work on the pelvic floor muscles and releasing them. So relaxing them down

and also work on the psychology behind the fear of penetration too. Because as soon as you start to anticipate fear, those muscles are going to say, okay, we need to tense up because we need to protect the body. It's kind of like if I came at you and I had a pen in my hand and I threw the pen at your eye, your eye would blink because it knows it would hurt when that pen went in there. And if every time I saw you, I was very cruel and such, just throwing this pen at your eye every time I saw you, you would just keep your eyes closed around me. And that's exactly what the vagina is doing. Vagina is shut now. No, exactly. What the fuck Chantel? He's coming over again. This guy just keeps throwing his penis at me and my vagina is closed down.

That's so interesting to know that it's actually treatable because we get this question a lot. And the way that these questions are worded, the women, I can tell, have not sought help at all. They're literally, if they're writing to us as their number one treatment, which like love that, but also we're not professionals. It might not be that they haven't asked for treatment. They've probably gone to a few GPs to ask for help. But actually, a lot of GPs don't know how to treat vaginismus because you actually have to get a psychological history. They might inspect the vagina. know they might look at what's going on in there and the person might not be tensing up because

it's not a penis in front of them or it's not a tampon so a lot of the time you hear these stories of women who've gone to their doctors and said you know I've got a lot of pain they said just have a glass of wine before you have sex and it'll be fine or just have a hot bath and relax and to me it just infuriates me we also have a lot of women with endometriosis which is a condition that I don't know if anyone who's listening knows what that is, but it is about painful periods and it is about scar tissue within that cervix kind of area. And that hurts when you have deep penetration, when the penis is hitting up against the back wall or inside there, it's hitting against scar tissue. Now you're getting deep pain and then the front of your vagina is going, this isn't

working. I'm still in a lot of pain. So I'm going to close up again and protect my whole womb area and make sure that i protect it so it's not painful and then you get vaginismus on top of that so there's a lot of different types of sexual pain that you can have but usually when you have vaginismus you know that there might be other problems going on in terms of psychology or physiology like i have a really good friend she has it quite severely and she literally she can barely have sex at all what can someone do with endometriosis is there anything you can do or do you just have to be having for want of a better word shallow sex where it's not as penetrative yeah so there's lots of things you can do i think that endo is such a cruel cruel

condition it really affects women so much and their relationships and their sense of self-worth plus they don't know if they're going to be able to have children because it can cause infertility fatigue everything it's horrible i think that it is about really understanding what's going on in the pelvic floor. So if you have endo, make sure you get your pelvic floor checked out by a pelvic floor physio. I have three that work for me because it's important for us as sexologists to be able to work with someone who can treat the physiological side so that we can manage as a sexologist, their life, their life stresses and what's going on in terms of the psychology behind sexuality. But remember that penetrative sex doesn't mean successful sex. You don't have to

have penetration to have a really great sex life a lot of clitoral stimulation is great you can also get a device called the o-nut which is almost like a little donut that can fit around the penis so if you're having heterosexual sex the penis cannot go so deep that it's actually tapping against that scar tissue but there's still satisfaction from the penis being inside you and for your partner as well to be able to have penetrative sex with you um so that's a really wonderful device. And then I think just mix it up. So what was that called again? The O-Nut, O-H-N-U-T. All right. I think that is actually going to be, I think a lot of people are going to go out and buy that after hearing this, because I had no idea that was even a thing. I'll send you a link for it.

It's so great. And I think that also just getting a box of toys is really important. Getting some toys that make you feel really good, getting some toys to use on your partner. If they're male or female that's fine i think if you're in a you know same sex relationship and you you have endo then you might have some benefits from that because you might not be having deep penetration all the time it's a lot more clitoral stimulation and you know sensual kind of sex as well speaking of discomfort this is a question that came up what if your partner's penis is too big what if sex is uncomfortable just because of this guy's lucky sheer size what what positions should you be trying what can you do to kind of get around the fact that like normal penetrative sex is too much

the own that's going to be good for that as well because again it's controlling the depth but change your positions i think if you're on top and you can control the pace that's going to be very beneficial for you being on your side is also great because we know that when doggy style is happening it can be really intense and you can get that tapping on the on the bottom of the cervix and then in missionary sex as well it just might be a little bit daunting as well to see this thing coming towards you like a coke can when he has to pull it out with two hands so I think it is about actually if you find a position that works really well for you and you can ask them to take it slow and just try it out then go back to that as your default and make sure

that you put in some boundaries so you're not in pain and don't suffer through it they're not going to want you to suffer through their big dick essentially they want you to have a great time so have that conversation all right we're going to jump into threesomes now what are your thoughts on threesomes and how can people navigate threesomes when they're talking about doing it for the first time so for example a woman wrote in saying my partner wants a threesome I'm totally down for it but I worry that he's gonna end up with more interest in someone else or his his mind's gonna start to wander it's not gonna be a one-off um I might get jealous like what there's so many aspects to it but I actually I don't love like the term threesomes I prefer people to

consider group sex instead of threesomes because I think it's better to not consider just one other person coming into your relationship, but rather you entering a situation where you can share with other people. So I really like people to consider going to maybe a sex club when they open up again in Australia. So you and your partner can go in and first of all, observe how other people are having sex with their partners or with other people within the group sex situation. And then you can decide together, do we want to join them? Because if you're inviting someone over specifically for a threesome, they might get there and you might go, this isn't for me, or this might be a little bit too intense with one person coming into my relationship and someone that I might know

as well. If you go into a group sex situation in a sex party or whatever, you might not ever see those people again. You might just want to see other people having sex with others and you might not want to join them. Or you might go, am I, you know, I really like the look of this person and I might join or I'd like to invite that person into our sexual relationship and we can share with them and then you know those circumstances are always really safe and consensual because everyone there is wearing protection and as soon as you don't like it you can go you know what I'm not vibing it I can leave I can leave here I don't have to ask anyone to leave my house or you know my environment and also you don't create memories with someone else inside your house that you

might not actually like in the end I really love the way that you explain that as well and I think we've had conversations around threesomes before on other episodes but and like the the idea of sex parties has always come up but I think you totally hit the nail on the head where when you invite one person there's this higher level of intimacy and almost like this threat that can can arise like this feeling of like well what if what if they build a bond or what if they have this connection whereas like taking it outside of your relationship and you going to a venue where it is strangers or you know maybe you go there a couple of times and you experience it together and then make your decisions around it there's so much less pressure in that environment than

having one person come to your house like you said and go okay this is what we have to do now um yeah I like hadn't thought of it from that perspective at all before and I really really think that that's such a smart and mature way of going about it but also having those conversations having boundaries and making sure that you are completely on the same page so that way and and also knowing that like you can change your mind as well you're allowed to go halfway through and say I'm actually not comfortable with this like I thought I would be absolutely I think if you're going to go into group sex situations I don't know why threesomes are so popular by the way is it that we just didn't know that sex like parties were happening and we thought that we

had to have someone come into our relationship I think that group sex in an environment it is designed for erotic stimulation you're seeing sex you're smelling sex you're hearing sex is so much more fun and inviting and not awkward and it's a place where everyone's going to respect you because you demand respect walking into that room everyone demands respect in that room you're not going to get any dangerous circumstances there's security there there's protection there and you can just wash off and leave if you didn't vibe it you just what you you look around and if you didn't like what's going on from a visual or audio perspective and you get overwhelmed you can say you know what I've had enough for this time I will come back and revisit again and I might just

take some time to settle into this environment you don't ever have to act um I've never been to a sex club putting that out there but it's always interested me and fascinated me the idea of do you i don't even know if you know the answer i always picture it like um tom cruise and nicole kidman that movie where they have the eyes wide shut they have the masks on do people go no well my question is i feel like a lot of people might not want to go to a sex club because people know who they are like imagine if i walked into a sex club i remember britney from the bachelor's in the sex club be in the daily mail in a hot second like yeah i'm not saying that's why i haven't gone guys I'm just curious as to what if people don't want to be identified is this a thing where

they can wear masks and stuff well that's the problem now I think I totally understand what you're talking about because I've never gone to a sex club in Melbourne I've only gone to one overseas in my you know when I used to live there a long time ago back when I was single and I think that um it would be really hard to go here and run into people you know so it depends on where you are and if you want to try that maybe you can make that an adventure thing for you know god forbid we open up our borders or we're allowed to travel overseas again maybe you can make it more of a special occasion when you're traveling rather than being at home and potentially running into people that you know and you don't want to see again but again in saying that if you do run into someone

you know you're also in a confined environment where they're probably not going to talk about it either to be honest they usually respect your decision yeah it's a respect thing i think a lot of the time people respect that you're in there and you want you know talk to me about asexuality or people who feel like they have no sex drive no libido is this a thing and also if somebody feels like they have zero libido what can they do if they see it as a problem for their partner asexuality is when you've never felt sexually attracted to someone else you've never felt desire for someone else it's very different from having a low libido which we will all have at some points in our lives. You know, desire is fluid. It's going to go up. It's going to go down. And I

think it's only when it comes to a point where it's distressing you and your relationship that you really need to talk to someone about it and figure out why it's low and are there ways that you can improve it. Asexuality is where you can get pretty distressed by the fact that you want to feel desire for someone. You want to feel like you want to be sexually close to someone, but it's just never happened for you. And that's when you can still be in a relationship, but you might not feel sexual desire for someone. Like, is that external factors that affect that? Or is that something that you're sort of just born with? Look, it's not studied enough. So I can't tell you the reasons why asexuality is there. I can't tell you if it's something that people are born

with, or if it's something that maybe happens at some point in their life, but it has to be quite a quick cut off to be asexual what i would say that we see a lot in the clinic is people that go i used to have sexual desire and now i just don't have any sexual desire at all and i don't know how to get it back and that is something that's extremely hard to treat but able to be treated as well because there's so many factors that go into desire there's hormones there's sociocultural like factors there's your interpersonal relationships your psychology your physiology and it's really about turning on as many accelerators that you have, going towards sexual desire, going towards feeling good, things that make you feel erotic and turning off the

offs. You know, if you're doing huge work days, you're not going to feel like getting it on when you get home. If you're having sex at 1130 at night after you've watched hours of Netflix and you've, you know, made dinner and had a full work day, it might not be the right time for you. Maybe it's the morning time for you or maybe it's the weekend so a huge part of my job is actually just putting sexuality into perspective and saying we don't actually have to go with these normal stereotypes of what you should be doing in the bedroom and when you should be doing it for a lot of women when you've been in a relationship for like a long time and this was literally the next question that came in was um you know i've been with my partner for eight years and when we were

first together we had this crazy high sex drive we couldn't keep our hands off each other and his sex drive hasn't really altered at all but now this listener feels like she never really wants to have sex she's never really in the mood for it and she does it out of more like obligation not because she's enjoying it anymore but understands and wants to get back to a place where she feels like she's enjoying it I know that you just touched on a couple of those reasons but is there is you know is there a reason why over time when we have these long-term monogamous relationships that sometimes we can feel that our libido just completely drops I think there's so many reasons I think that when you get with someone usually in the first 12 to 18 months

two years you have what we call limerence which is when all your endorphins are raging and you're so in love and you're going to get married and everything's incredible and then those hormones those endorphins actually start to drop around the 12 month mark and you start to realize okay well I'm with this person? Do I love this person enough to wake up every day and choose them and choose us as a team and make sure that I work really hard to cultivate desire in this relationship? You know, are you also doing things in your own life that, that are just way too overwhelming? I think we have a problem with people doing way too much work, committing too much to seeing friends, not having sex before Netflix, you know, you're not going to have sex

after Netflix. So have it before, you know, prioritize your timing, right? And also just look at what's going on in your body. Have you got anxiety? Because that's going to affect it. Have you got depression sometimes? Because that's going to affect it. These are all things that are okay and manageable, but just be aware that it's not always going to be spontaneous desire. It's not going to come just because you see your partner across the room. You might actually have to work at responsive desire. So allowing your partner to touch you and say, you know what, i'm going to give this a go and see if your body reacts and becomes aroused and then your desire might come after that and then you might be able to have an erotic situation i think that also the

the less you have i think the less you have sex the less you realize you love it and the less you want it so i think like you just said you might not think you want it you might not have the energy and then if you just actually let it happen and see if your body reacts to it you might surprise yourself and then it might start to become more frequent because you're like oh that's right i remember i actually like this thing yeah absolutely responsive desire is very important in relationships and not saying no all the time so chantelle we're gonna wrap it up with some dirty talk to you yeah yeah you like it to me great yeah what a finisher how do you dirty talk in the bedroom for people that have never done it before and feel a bit

awkward what can you actually give some examples of what they could say I mean you don't have to think about porn when you're talking dirty it's not like that in the bedroom I would just start with simply describing how you like your partner touching your body so if they're maybe playing with your nipples just say that feels really good you know or can you touch my thigh or I love your smell. Something that you're noticing in regards to your senses is very important because senses are the most important thing in the bedroom. What's the smell like? What do they, you taste so salty, you know, or you taste so good, or I love when you kiss me. It's about describing the things that you're doing. And that's a very easy way to go into it. You could say their name if

you want. And I think, you know, I think a good way to go is also have a bit of background music too i have a spotify playlist that people play all the time apparently it's wonderful for their sex lives which i'm so happy about but having something else to distract you so you can feel a little bit more at ease and relaxed in being able to verbalize is a great way to go um because otherwise sometimes people feel awkward with just silence and then verbalizing things so it's completely okay to be able to have a few different types of stimulation in the bedroom at the same time I'm just imagining this playlist to be like wet ass pussy and she's like I can talk dirty to you come on pump that music it'll be sensual isn't it I imagine you to be like a really sensual

very sensual now we know how Laura has sex and we know how Brittany has sex Laura's like doing this I told you I'm a one-hit wonder guys get it done she's doing the split she's upside down She's working. No, man, I don't even have any pelvic floor muscles anymore. I'm definitely not in the split. We'll talk about that later. Chantel, you're an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for coming on and for sharing your experience,

for sharing your expertise with us. Before you go, though, we do finish every episode with our suck in our sweet, which is basically like your highlight and your low light of the week. So something that's been great and something that's been maybe a little bit shitty. It doesn't have to be too shitty, but whatever that is. Yeah, no, I know what my highlight of the week is. I have been away for two months and then in quarantine for two weeks.

So my highlight of the week is Dylan and I picking up our dog Sauce from his grandparents' house because we haven't seen him for a long time. The saucy hot dog. The saucy boy. My low light of the week, to be honest, it hasn't been much. I've been pretty happy. so um maybe it's just my hangover that seems to be a daily recurrence at the moment because melvin's allowed to go out again hence why i'm wearing a full dylan tracksuit today and i have my hair slicked back because i feel like i love it i'm happy i'm at the point of this pregnancy

where i miss having a hangover like i'm i'm like looking forward to the day again when that can happen yeah you say that now until you're in your hangover and you're like i'm never drinking again the first hangover after like finishing breastfeeding is truly horrendous it's like the worst thing you think you're gonna die wow anyway brit what is your suck my suck would probably be oh i've had a great week yesterday i had a migraine it was like knocked me i can't ever sleep in a day but i couldn't i was light sensitive i closed my blinds mask on and i was just out cold for hours so that was definitely a suck yeah my sweet was probably oh probably going on my second successful date with the same human in one week

yay no pressure no pressure at all and hopefully he doesn't listen to this which he said he was going to and i made him promise me not to ever listen to this you're like brit brit always says she's like i would need to stop sharing about my personal life because if the guys i'm dating listen to this podcast this this could be the reason why they stopped dating me that's like This could be where it's going wrong. I reckon you guys don't want to date me because I do this podcast. Nah. So.

Nah, babes. It's your personality. It's not the podcast. It's all you, babe. Exactly. Exactly. All right. Well, that was mine.

I won't get into any more. Laura? My suck. My suck is like nothing. My suck is like I'm still, I've had the flu. I'm still a little bit chesty, whatever, but I'm getting over it. It's like I'm sick of whinging about the same thing every week. You have been sick for weeks though.

Yeah. It's like, this is like an old story now. People are like, ah, fuck, Laura's still sick. Yeah. Talk about it. Um, my sweet is that my daughter who is Marley, who is now 16 months. I mean, like, do you, when do you stop counting the months? Who knows?

She's a year and a bit. She's just learned how to say, I love you. And it's the best thing ever. And she says, love you, love you. And she just still doesn't know that I'm her mom because she still points at photos of the dog and says, mommy, but she says, love you. So I'm, I'm good with that. That's so cute.

I'm going to come and make her say it to me. Chantel, like we said, thank you so much again for taking time today and for joining us for this episode. You're the best and we love every second of it. Thanks so much, guys. Guys, if you want to find out any more from Chantel, you can jump over and see her on her Instagram. It's Chantel underscore Otten underscore sexologist.

You literally can't miss it. If you want to send us any questions for our Ask Uncut episode on Thursday, then you can slide on into our DMs at Life Uncut Podcast. And also, please keep your accidentally unfiltered stories coming because we live for those if you love the episode hit five stars leave a review and share the love because we love love We'll be right back.