Life Uncut - ‘That’s Triggering!’ Is Therapy-Speak Changing Our Relationships?

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

Hey Lifers! Britt looks like Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson today, but the dress code for her wedding has caused an unintentional stir. The Europeans think she's a bit of a creep!Last week Laura told us how much she loved the reptiles at the reptile park and in a relatively ironic turn of events, she might have 15 of her own coming to her new home!A few days ago, Love Is Blind US (Netflix) released season 7 of the show. There was a particular moment where one of the contestants, Stephen admits to Monica that he has emotionally cheated in the past. He then went on to say “we went through therapy. We worked it out” and “I’m actively in therapy to talk about these things.” We spoke about how speaking about therapy in the dating landscape can be great, but it can also be used as a tactic to manipulate their date into thinking they're more emotionally intelligent than they are! Many women now say they prefer to date men who’ve been to therapy. Do men now use therapy as a badge of emotional depth? We also spoke about "therapy-speak" and the overuse of certain labels or phrases like triggering, trauma, narcissist, gaslighting and sociopath. Do you think the overuse of these terms dilutes the experiences of people who have endured genuine abuse or trauma? We also spoke about how we can spot when therapy-speak is being used manipulatively versus when it reflects genuine emotional growth.  You can watch us on Youtube Find us on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xx      See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Daddy vibes. They just text all the time. What? We don't text all the time.

We text when I drop Delilah to him and I'm like, did she get there okay? No, sometimes you text him for his birthday. Oh, that's cute. Do you remember when we first started the podcast, I would always be like, fuck, your dad's hot. And you were like, you need to stop. Your dad is pretty hot. He does a hundred pull-ups a morning at 4.30 in the morning. You can tell.

Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. I'm giving the rock today, aren't I? Why? I looked at myself in the mirror when I got ready and I didn't have time to change. And I was like, wow, I look like The Rock in that really famous photo. This is exactly that photo. And I actually had a chain around my turtleneck that I've got on.

I had a chain and I was like, I can't do it. Does The Rock wear Gucci Crocs? You realize that The Rock is the richest man in Hollywood? Yeah, he does. That's the photo. But he wears black. It's the one that everyone goes as Halloween. It's because of the belt and the colored jeans with a turtleneck.

That's why I was like, it's giving rock. And you're bulging deltoids. Now that you've said this, if you just put a bum bag on. Thank you. Complete look. A hundred percent. And I was like, I probably have time to quickly put a different top on, but I was like, just going to lean in.

But hot rock. Hot rock? Hot rock. I'll take it. Yeah. Thanks. Like hot, I mean, that's very, what is it? 80s?

What did one say? Yes. Is the rock from the 80s? 90s. Britt, you look great. You look great today. Thank you. You have been saying, which I wanted to know because this is what always happens.

Whenever something funny happens in our lives, we're like, I'll tell you on the podcast. And so I've been wanting to know what it is that you've been keeping secret from me. It's not a secret, but I just had this, it was funny. I had this realization and had a chuckle to myself out loud. And I wanted to tell you guys straight away because it involves you a little bit, but then I was like, I'll save it for the pod. No. So Ben and I, in the last little week, sent out like save the date kind of wedding invites.

Yeah. Got it. Thank you for that. So just to double down, yeah, you haven't responded yet. I RSVP'd straight away. I was probably the first person to RSVP with Matt, RSVP'd to all events, all three. I RSVP'd to the Britney and Ben spectacular, okay,

every single one. Okay, it's a couple of days. Don't be dramatic. To the five-day fucking affair. I'm at every single thing. It's one month. It's 28 events. You want me at the breakfast, the brunch, and the dinner?

I am their girlfriend. Wait, I haven't even given you all of it yet. So half, for anyone that's new, half of our wedding is foreign and half is Australian. So Ben is Swiss but he's also lived a lot of time over in the UK and in Germany and wherever else. So a lot of his people are coming from that kind of part of the world. When you said half of the wedding is, you made it sound

like it's a travelling circus. We're going to do half of it in Australia, then we're going to take it. It's a world tour. It's a tour. It could be. It's going to be a wonderful wedding. But yeah, so half, all of his side, none of them Australian on his side except me. So we sent the invites out and Ben's like, babe, I've been getting like these random

messages about the wedding. Just like yesterday, one of my friends messaged me and went, dress code, question mark. And so Ben wrote back and was like, oh yeah, sorry, Brit set the dress code. And he was like, okay. He's like, but what is it? Done. No, because we put the dress code on there. Done.

Nothing. A day later, one of his other friends gets a message. hey mate the missus wants to ask about the dress code question mark question mark the couple of days go past and I haven't heard about it yet I don't hear about them individually but after he got a couple he's like it's so weird people keep asking me about the dress code and I'm like that is weird I was like because our dress code is not like it's pretty standard this happens four or five times and then one of his female friends messages hey I just wanted to follow up about the dress code and he's like yes what is the problem then Brit wrote the dress code I think

it's okay and she was like well how strict is it and he was like well pretty strict I guess that's what she's decided she wants and she's like well what if it doesn't go with my dress and he's like I'm sure whatever's gonna go he's like he was like oh so confused she's like I'm sure it's going to be fine and she goes well I just think it's a bit extreme and he was like I don't understand what the problem is he's like I'm sorry the dress code's not extreme and I think that you'll figure it out and this goes back and forth back and forth back and forth I'm not involved yet right he sends me this conversation and then she goes well I don't understand how she's going to know if I if I wear it and he's like she's gonna know she's going to see it and

she's like well that's a bit perverted and he's like I don't understand and she's like who in their right mind would make us wear and enforce no thongs and then Ben was like Ben was like they're gonna be on your feet she'll see them and she went hang on feet and he was like yeah your feet and she was like but a thong is a g-string and he was like oh my god there is a language barrier here so ben calls me and he goes babe half of the wedding things you've said they're not allowed to wear g-strings strict enforcement full briefs or nothing bridget jones or nothing and it makes so much sense why so many people were messaging him being like dress code question mark do you remember when it was our wedding so like when matt and i got married we made one of those

like i don't know like the it's is a wedge shed or a wedge whatever it's like you go online and you fill it all out online yeah and you put all the information for the wedding on like a little website right that's what i did yeah it's the same type of thing and so that's where you put your your dress code and everything yeah except britain i never got it yeah well probably a good thing so we we made this website and i didn't realize that like because i mean it was pre-covid and like we're pretty fucking unorganized and I asked Matt to fill out half of it and I filled out half of it part of his thing to fill out was the dress code and he had just like because you have to populate before you can move on to the next page so he populated some things without it being serious

just so that we could flick through to the next page to put all the important information in and he had every intention to go back and fix those things like a placeholder yeah yeah except he didn't go back and didn't fix those things and so we sent out our wedding invitation with the dress code DRESSSEXY, and that went out to my nana. I like that. DRESSSEXY. That's okay. Ben's nana got no G-strings.

I must have thought you were going to have one of those mirrored aisles. I am. Also, at what age do you reckon you stop wearing a G-string? Because it would. I can't imagine. I mean, bless her. She's gone now, but I couldn't imagine nana wearing a G-string. I can't imagine my nana wearing a G-string.

When do you give up? When do you say, not for me anymore, I want my ass to be hugged forever? I don't think it's your ass, to be honest. I think it's your lips. Like it's, and they're pulling out the side. I think when it gets a bit, like, more relaxed down there, I want to say relaxed over looser, but like when it ages, gravity takes over, I imagine that would be super uncomfortable. You know, when you said that, the only thing I thought straight away was, oh, someone's

going to be angry at you because you said lips and not labia. Someone's going to be so mad that you didn't say vulva. Yeah, but then when we say labia, we get in trouble too. Stop talking about Laura's labia being cut off. Sorry, if she wants it cut off, she'll allow it. But I had to go back onto the website and then I updated the wedding invitation. So I kept it all the same. It still says like no thongs, but then I had to write in brackets,

for all you Europeans, thongs means flip-flops. You can in fact still wear a G-string. That's what I wrote and then I sent that out. So now that's gone to Ben's nan. So now Ben's nan, I have confirmed that if she wants to, she can wear a G-string. No, actually Ben's nan has passed away. but he adds other people. I know I felt bad making the joke about his nan and then I was like she's

not here anymore but yes it went out to a lot of people it shouldn't have gone out to. Blessed be. How was your weekend? Oh okay so my weekend my weekend was great it was very long because it was like well it wasn't really the long weekend but we went down to Ulladulla on Thursday and had four nights down south and so if you guys are not following or if you don't follow social media you might not know this but Matt and I we are renovating a house down in Ulladulla it's about three hours drive from Sydney yeah so we went down there on the weekend and if you listen to last week's episode it's kind of like beautiful synchronicity that happened so last week on Tuesday Ep I was talking about how Matt and the kids and I had all been to this reptile park and

how I am sick for the reptiles yeah you do love a reptile what a great reptile park I should go there one day but never as a non-parent did I get myself there but on the weekend I went with Matt I went with the kids and it was like dreams come true I had so much fun I love reptiles so the reptiles heard they listened to life uncut and they got the memo the 411 they know that I love the snakes did they leave a review yeah because otherwise they don't want to know about five stars here from the reptile parks what um okay well you fucking know what happened don't pretend like you're short britney what happened i'm just trying to move it along so we go down to the house on saturday and we were cleaning up the gardens and about halfway

through the day as we were walking down the side of the house this massive python and i'm talking like almost two meter python is slithering up the fence line and Matt was still inside and it wasn't Matt's python so it was slithering up like between the border between our property and the neighbors and the neighbors had come out to look at it as well and they were all making jokes like oh whose house is it going to go into not like yours motherfucker yeah not a funny joke anyway it went into the bushes and because we'd cut down a couple of like dead trees and so I for a minute thought maybe we had cut down its home like we'd cut down where it had been living And so it was feeling a bit displaced because it was quite cute.

Nah, not cute. It was like 20 meters long. It wasn't cute. It could eat you. No, it's not a boa constrictor. It was a diamond python. Hot. And so it was in the bushes and it was like hanging down and we were cleaning up.

We were watching it for half the day. And I kept saying to Matt, do you think we should get a snake catcher out? Do you think we should get a snake catcher? He's like, nah, it's fine. Like it's in the bush. Let it go. Anyway, we stopped paying attention to the snake for a while and we were still cleaning up this back area.

and I look up and as I look up into the tree the fucking snake has climbed up and there's this one bit where the the tree is like a little bit close to the roof of the house and it is just long skinny neck is reaching out from the tree and it's trying to get towards the hot tiles of the roof and before we could stop it I went and I got the broom and I was trying to what were you gonna do well I was trying to broom it out of the roof so I had the broom handle and I was trying to gently because I don't want to hurt it because I love snakes. So I was like trying to like get it out of the roof. Anyway, I like I knocked it once and then it didn't like that.

And so then it just went a bit faster and all of a sudden this big arse, which it had just eaten because it had a big fat belly, had crawled into the roof of our house. So at that point I was like, cool, Matt, I think we should probably call the snake catcher now. I think we should probably burn down the house. We don't live here anymore. I'm just thinking about the fact that you have a small cat.

Yeah, yeah, it's not good for raspberry. Hey, haven't seen raspberry in a few days. Speaking of. Not good for the cat. Also not good if we have a newborn either. That's not funny. No, you better not do it. So I get this number for a local snake catcher, right?

So I call him up and he, hello, my darling. Hello, me dear. So he's Irish? I don't know. I don't know. Is this man real? Were you watching Lord of the Rings? He's real.

And I was like, look, we've got a snake in the roof. Can you come out and help me? And he was like, what would you like me to do about it? And I was like, get it the fuck out of my roof, please. He goes, okay, send me a video. So I send him a video of the snake and he calls me right back and he goes, ah, a diamond python. It's beautiful.

Now explain to me, darling, why do you want to get it out of the roof? And I was like, because I think it's living there. And he goes, yes, you are right. It has been. It's its home. I would even bet it's been there for many years. You probably have lots of snakes in your roof because they like to live together. And I was like, I think you need to understand that this is horrifying for me.

And we are kind of vibing on a different frequency right now. I said, oh, look, I don't think it's going to come out anytime soon because I think it's just eaten. My cat. And he goes, no, my dear. I don't think it's eaten. I think it's pregnant. And isn't that splendid? I was like, you're fucked.

Because have you seen a snake give birth? It doesn't have one. 15 to 20 eggs. And then some. The size of that python, I reckon she's having 50. I reckon you're going to have 50 from my python experience. Brittany the python tamer. That was from a different phase of life though and it wasn't a python.

I reckon it's going to have like 50 baby pythons. Imagine if you have 50 of those big giant things in your room. Yes, I know. That is exactly how I felt. And so pretty much told me he couldn't help me because he couldn't access the python through the manhole of the roof. And so the python is just there. He's just living in the roof, chilling, grilling, being a python.

I don't think they actually, I know we're like laughing. I don't think they actually do much. I think they're actually really good in terms of they eat the rats. This is what he said. Like, just think about it. You'll never have any vermin or mice. How wonderful. So, yeah, it's not good for raspberry, but we do have a massive python

and it is living in the house. So I'm not thrilled. I'm never coming. We did have, like, really cool plans for long weekends down there, but it's just not going to happen now. Where does he get out of? Is there an obvious hole? Gutter.

Well, no, at the moment the house is in all states of deconstructed, so there's many holes. Do the people who are doing the construction know? Because they're about to get a real jump scare. Yeah, that was the problem. So we called our builder, who is an absolute legend, like this dude who's got four kids. He was like, his name's Tom, and we called him and I was like,

hey, this is not good times. And he rocks up in his truck with his four children and his wife. To look at it. To come and try and get out of the roof because he was worried about his workers and then getting scared. Oh, were they just jealous of the reptile park? And they thought this is our chance. It's a free reptile party.

Free reptile party. Now you guys know, or you might not know, but you will now, I am a sucker for Love is Blind. So Love is Blind, if you haven't seen it, it's like a very modern dating show where there's a bunch of men and a bunch of women and they go into these pods that are separated. Pods, it's just a room, right? But they go into these pods that's separated by these walls. The men are on one side, the women on the other.

You go one woman per room, one man per room, and you talk to each other and you get to know each other and you write things down. You can send gifts through the room and stuff, but you never get to see each other. one might think that it's based on the premise that someone's personality is more important than the way they look it's exactly what it is the whole idea is is love really blind that's the question they pose the antidote to online dating maybe yeah so they it's like speed dating without seeing the other person so all the people move between the pods you get to speak to whoever you want and then you form these connections then you decide if there's like maybe one or two people

that you want to pursue then at the end you have to have chosen your person blind blindly still then you get to meet and but the idea is you propose you're getting married you are getting married without having seen each other then you go on a honeymoon that everyone goes and that's where sometimes the drama starts to happen because maybe one person might have had a connection with someone else but chose the other person but then when they see them they're more physically attracted to the other person. Then it's like, do they leave? Do they swap partners? Do they commit? It gets spicy. The reason I wanted to talk about this is there's one particular scene that happened episode two at the very start between two people, Steven and Monica, that sort

of stopped me in my tracks a little bit. And I had to rewind it and say, did I just hear that correctly? So this happened in episode two, season seven, straight at the start of episode two, steven and monica they have a conversation that really got me thinking about therapy talk and are people using therapy talk to manipulate situations here's what i believe you like someone for their qualities but you love someone for their flaws i've always been drawn to flaws believe me girl i've been the same way yeah um actually my my most recent relationship since you know we're already getting into this yeah i will divulge something that i am not very proud of at all but i wear this brand and i think it's very important to to be honest about it yeah um so we're we're

going to talk about cheating yeah um i technically hold the title of being a cheater i've been cheated on multiple times as well i believed that this person that i was dating at the time i believed i didn't deserve her everyone has a different concept of cheating one person's could be you know looking at someone you know someone else's could be an actual physical act i basically slid into a girl's dms like a dumbass and we were flirting with intention you're emotionally cheating at that point i got caught which i knew i would i was very disappointed with myself i'm And there was a lot of, yeah, I mean, we went through therapy. We figured it out.

I'm actively in therapy to talk about these things. And by the way, I really appreciate you sharing with me. And I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. Like, we're all human. I'm 36 years old. Like, it's not so black and white. Right. The experiences that I've had to deal with from cheating are, whew.

They are, like, really gross and very, very bad. And even in those situations, I've always found a path to forgiveness. I love how he's managed to victimize himself in that cheating situation. Like he's the one who acted outside of the relationship. And obviously, I know there's many reasons why people cheat. We've talked about that a load of times. But in that one conversation, he managed to make himself the victim and gain her pity for his cheating.

Oh, 100%. But even the way he set it up, you can tell he knows what he's doing. This is what I think. I think he 100% knew what the outcome was going to be. He was being vulnerable. He dropped that he went to therapy. He dropped that he only did it because he didn't feel like she was good enough because she was such a queen.

And also when he says he's a cheater, so he says, you know, I want to talk about cheating. I cheated, but I've been cheated on loads of times too. Like he quickly, he didn't even sit in, I'm a cheater. He quickly went straight to, but I've been cheated on loads of times as well. He went straight to, I'm a victim. And I had to rewind the whole scene. And I wonder how many people would have watched that and had an issue with it. There are some online threads going around.

So I know that people have. I saw some things on Facebook groups and that kind of thing for Love is Blind that were very divided. And half of the people were like, hang on a second. He just made himself exactly how we all felt. You know, he just made himself the victim in a narrative where he was actually the person doing the wrong thing. But the other half of people were saying, at least he's honest about it.

like at least he's kind of coming forward with this information and she doesn't need to ask him these questions and he's being truthful about his past experiences. But I also think that that's been reflected recently in the whole David Grohl thing. Foo Fighters, if you guys are across it, which I'm sure you are, he has fathered a child outside of his 20 something year marriage. And the social discourse around that was so interesting because some people were like, wow, what a flog. He cheated on his wife and had a baby with a adulterous affair. But the other part of the conversations was, well, at least he came out and he was honest and he's acknowledged the baby and he's going to be a good dad. What a great guy. He's taking accountability for it.

Accountability. It is fascinating to me, the way in which we are able to frame some things and we can frame our shortcomings in a way that garner empathy and garner sympathy. And I'm not saying that this is black and white, because I do think that there are absolutely instances where someone's shortcomings and the things that they do that might hurt someone else very well can be the byproduct of the unfortunate situations that they've experienced themselves. But I do think that the language that's used is a way in order to like gain favor, especially in this instance. It got me thinking about an article I read recently, which was from Glamour. Now it was from last year, but the article itself was talking about how a lot of women prefer to date men who

are either in therapy or who have gone to therapy because it shows that they are more emotionally in touch and that they're working on themselves and their own mental health. So I was speaking to Matt about this and I was like, surely then if people, if it is known that this is a desirable attribute that some women want, surely this is something that can then be used as a way to kind of garner affection or get a woman over the line. And Matt was like, talking about therapy is akin to talking about puppies. He's like, it is a green flag. If a guy is on a first date talking about, oh, look, this is really hard for me to tell you, but like, you know, I go to therapy. I think that there's a fine line between endorsing it, which we obviously do on this podcast. And we

talk about how amazing it is to be able to go do therapy and be able to have moments to talk about yourself and work on your mental health. But I also think keep those blinkers wide open for people who may use that as a way to try and prove that they are something that they're not. I question why that might be the case, because I think that the implication is that they are potentially at least more aware, perhaps, of their emotions if they're going to therapy. I mean, there will be exceptions. Some are court mandated therapy, but I'm trying to think about the positives as to why women would be like, I want a guy who has been to therapy. And I think it's all about taking accountability for your own shit. And I think that it is somewhat dangerous for us to equate going to therapy with actually

owning stuff and taking accountability for behavior. You know, I don't think that these things automatically align. I also really want to be careful with this because I don't want this to sound at all like we're stigmatizing people who do go to therapy or people who talk about the fact that they go. No, of course not. And I think it's really important because like it's not just gendered. there are a lot of very conscious and intentional men out there who are going to therapy and it has

been hugely beneficial to them and they don't feel shame around talking about it. And therefore that's the reason why they've brought it up. I think it's more so for me, this whole idea of like therapy talk is when someone has learned the language, they've learned the tools, they're not actually implementing it in their life, but they use it as a way to make themselves sound smarter, to make themselves seem like they are superior or authoritative in a way. And that almost like diminishes, especially within a relationship as well. It diminishes the thing that the other person might be experiencing. The example of this and where I think we've seen it more recently in like social discourse is the situation with Jonah Hill last

year. So last year we saw Jonah Hill, we did a big episode on it, all around him using the word boundaries to set limitations on his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady, who he'd said, it's my boundary that you don't go and surf with other men. And it's my boundary that you don't post a bikini photo. It's my boundary that you behave in a way that I expect you to. And we unpacked on that episode, this conversation around how a boundary is a limitation for yourself. It can't be a limitation for someone else.

And that to me reeked of someone who had been to therapy, had learned the tools, but then was intentionally abusing those tools in order to coercive control their partner in a relationship. But at the end of the day, not everybody's cut from the same cloth. There could be people that go to therapy that are still wankers. Women and men, right? You're still a dickhead. You're still going to do the same thing. There are people that go to therapy that they come out the other side like Jesus. There are people that will never need to go to therapy and they're still wonderful people. I think just putting that limitation on yourself for dating that you have to have gone to therapy exactly like Keisha said that doesn't align with them being an amazing

person that's emotionally available and not going to cheat on you like in terms of talking about the ways in which we can abuse terminology I think we see it beyond just dating though I think we see it with the the overuse of the word toxic with the word trauma with the word triggered like narcissist sociopath yeah we I mean we we might have a negative experience with someone who has treated us badly. And then we've instantly blanketed them as a narcissist, which is a pathological diagnosis. Like you can't just have one interaction with someone who cheats on you or treats you badly. That doesn't instantly mean that they are a narcissistic or a narcissist. I do think we overuse these words. For me, even in the industry that we work in,

we have to be so careful with the things that we say from time to time. And we will often go, should we put a trigger warning on this? Should we talk about the trauma that's associated with this? And I think we've almost become too trigger warning happy in a lot of ways because something that someone might not want to listen to because it makes them feel uncomfortable, that's not necessarily a trigger. A trigger is someone who has experienced a deeply traumatic event. There's been lots of studies around how trigger warnings are actually more negative and trigger warnings themselves can more negatively impact a greater population than not having it in the first place. It almost seems these days as though everybody has experienced trauma. Like we use the word trauma to

literally describe everything. I think that's like the situation that everyone's experience is a subjective, right? So someone's trauma will be subjective, but a term like triggering is actually an objective word. And so the overuse of it, and I'm even guilty of this myself. I mean, on this podcast over the years I would have described one of my ex's behaviors as narcissistic and I think as we've kind of gone on and spoken to experts I've actually realized that by me labeling that person as a narcissist it has diluted the experience of someone who has actually experienced narcissistic abuse and I really regret that like I really regret amounting my experiences to something that someone really has been damaged by and I think that's the problem with the

overuse of these words and it's not just about narcissism you know a lot of people say things like I see it on TikTok all the time oh I have trauma from one of my past relationships because my ex used to not write back to me for 24 hours and it would give me anxiety and blah blah blah and I'm like okay let's actually unpack the words we're using here you said I have trauma from a past relationship to me I just think that we've kind of gone a little bit too heavy into this therapy speak when we're using it in such a liberal way because people have genuinely experienced really really awful and traumatizing events in relationships especially you know we talk about domestic violence a lot on this podcast I just think that perhaps as a way to try and you know

we love to put a label on everything we love to have everything categorized we love to have these buzzwords and also words like this especially when you're in therapy and you start using them in your general vocabulary it implies a certain level of emotional intelligence and I just think the pendulum might have swung a little too far it's just overuse of the word it's lost its meaning it has an oversaturation and I read a really interesting article from a teacher a primary school teacher no sorry high school teacher but early like 12 13 14 she wanted to stay anonymous because she didn't want it to get back to her kids but she said she cannot believe the uses of these terms that she hears amongst preteens so she says she has a really hard time trying to be

delicate and understand and guide them but also say you can't be using those words so she's like when they're referring to a breakup and they're 13 and 14 they're saying he's definitely a sociopath like what a narcissist because they're seeing these terms on tiktok when they break up with friends they're using the same kind of words when it's not when like we would go back to our time didn't even know what it was it's just a fight with a friend and you'll probably make up in in a couple of weeks yeah someone can just be a dickhead they don't have to be emotionally abusive someone can just be a wanker today they doesn't mean that they're a sociopath you can be a fuckwit and not narcissist like these things are not interchangeable but I found that really

interesting because that is who we are setting up that is the future generation that don't quite grasp the true meaning of what these terms are because they have become standard vocabulary and interchangeable like they've become interchangeable with just normal experiences that we are all going to go through as part of like figuring out how to socially exchange with other people and i know we were talking about it laura the use of the terms that we throw around now like when we have an argument with our partner it's not an argument it's gaslighting oh yeah and look it's a good way to win an argument put it that way oh yeah if you want to win an argument tell your partner they're gaslighting you like it won't go down well

You'll win, but you won't make up. Gaslighting is, is a real and intentional lie to try and distort someone else's perception of what they experienced. It is an intentful act. Whereas like we are all going to have disagreements and arguments with our partners where we don't see things the same way because our experience of what we just did and went through or the way we spoke to each other, our perceptions around it were different. And it's funny because like Matt and I will sometimes, and you know, like we don't, I'm not sitting up on my pedestal here being like, Oh, we shouldn't do this because we all do it. We've all called our ex-boyfriends narcissists. We've all told someone that they're gaslighting us when they probably not. Matt and

I will have an argument and either he'll say it or I'll say it, you're gaslighting me. And what we are meaning by that is I'm trying to convey how I experienced something and you're telling me I'm wrong right but when when you actually unpick it and try and like get down to the root of it really it's just two people who actually love each other who have a lot of respect for each other but we both experienced that fight or whatever the thing was that set us off differently we both had a different perception of what happened and so neither one of us is right we're probably right 50 50 one person probably said something with a bit of tone the other person probably had a bit of a fucking face or did something that made the other person feel inferior. And then it kicked

off. It's really important. And sometimes I have to stop myself and I'm like, he is not gaslighting you. He just had a different experience and he's fucking wrong. Yeah. But it's funny because we can sit here, you know, on a high horse and preach and say it's overused. But like you just said, we're all guilty of overusing it, but it's something that we need to start to be conscious about yeah and I think that's the big thing it's not like none of this is criticism it's all just it's all just like awareness around what's the behaviors that we do and are we contributing to something that's like as a bigger picture could be slightly problematic I will throw myself under the bus the theme of Ben's and my relationship is literally this is how you made me feel when

you said that and then the other person says but I didn't mean it like that I didn't mean to make you feel like that and I think that comes down to a bit of maybe a language barrier like some it's not the language barrier because his English is wonderful but when things are directly translated from you know how he grew up into English it doesn't come out sometimes the same way like an interpretation barrier so I'll be like I can't believe you said that and he's like but I didn't mean it like that and I said yeah but this is how you made me feel he's like but that wasn't the intention and that that's where we end up getting stuck because I'm like whether it was your intention or not I'm upset and he's like okay I'm sorry but can you understand why

I said it. And that's the back and forth. And we've got to an amazing place now where we barely argue about anything because everything, well, we just blame it on the language barrier. If one of us fucks up, we're like, oops, it's an old language barrier. It's interesting that you bring up perception though, because to bring it back to the love is blind thing that we initially were talking about. Keisha's producer, Keisha, she's like, let's get back on track. Get back on track, you motherfuckers. Why are we talking about your argument styles? I just think it's interesting because I'm so all about therapy. I'm all about people going and sorting their mental health. I've had diagnosed mental health issues for years and years and years.

I'm all about it. And I think the reason I feel the need to say that is because I've spoken in a very negative way, because what I've referred to, I think, is the use of therapy to shift the perception of the way that someone else sees you. And that's what I have a bit of a problem with, not the actual therapy or the fact that people are trying to work on themselves. So in the situation that unfolded with Stephen and Monica, what I thought was the most interesting part is that he kind of drip fed these few things about therapy and I feel as though he

did that in a way to change the way that she saw him I thought that he did it in a way to kind of prove that he was emotionally mature that he was willing to work on relationships if they had problems if you know what I mean absolutely and I think it's something that some people it's very manipulative and I'm not saying he's done it manipulatively I don't even know if he did it deliberately but I think he did I think there are people out there who use their shortcomings or the things that they've done in past relationships and they use honesty around it as a way of showing vulnerability and gaining trust the reason I think that this was pure manipulation in this particular scene is because he went for the maximum amount of emotion for the minimal amount of hurt

infliction and what I mean by that is he was like I need to talk to you about cheating something I did I'm so not proud of it like it was horrible what I did but I just didn't feel good enough and I'm going to therapy now but I messaged a girl like his cheating was that he messaged a girl so he's trying to manipulate Monica to to be like I can't believe I stooped so low but I'm working on it so she's thinking fuck what's he done and then he's done this bait and switch so she's like in her own head her internal monologue would be like wow like that's what you think is bad you categorize bad as just messaging a girl knowing that probably highly likely monica has been cheated on horrifically which she actually has so now her unconscious bias is like wow he thinks this is the

worst thing he could do is message a girl and he's working on that bingo i've got a catch so that's what i think he has done look at that that is very interesting britney yeah on the case yeah maximum emotion for the minimal amount of pain infliction. That's really interesting. Last night, we put up a couple of polls on the Life Uncut Instagram story. And one of the questions was, have you ever dated someone who used the fact that they went to therapy as a way to prove their emotional maturity? And only 11% of people said that they had, which felt quite low. We also put a little question box on there for people to kind of share their experiences if they wanted to. And the most interesting thing, I thought this was really, really funny. The most common response

that we got was that people had in fact done that themselves like they had I don't know if they had realized that they had done it until they'd read the question but a lot of people were like oh wow I've just realized I actually do this I'm the problem I use it as a way at least they're self aware maybe because they've been in therapy I thought this was interesting a lot of responses we received was for the people who had they acted as though it meant that they were above being questioned or held accountable because they had done the work and they knew better so it gave them this sense of superiority within the relationship because they couldn't be wrong because they'd been to therapy. I think that that actually goes back to what you were saying about gaslighting. I think

a word like that is authoritative. A hundred percent. But people use it also as an excuse as to why they are doing bad, bad behavior. So in a relationship, like as long as you're going to therapy, you can use that. I'm working on it. I'm in therapy. Like I'm trying, I know I've been an asshole for a year, but I'm, I'm in therapy. So I'm trying. It doesn't mean anything like therapy only works if you want it to work you have to be so proactive just going there so that you can throw the term around it doesn't mean anything funny you mentioned excuses brit because that was the last slide that we put up last night with a poll uh we asked if people use their time in therapy as an excuse to avoid accountability again a pretty low percentage it was only 14

who had but here are some of the responses he went to therapy for professional evidence that he was fucked up and couldn't help mistreating me. My ex started therapy as a way to keep me after I found out that he had cheated on me. I've experienced that. Used to say things like, I brought this up with my therapist and they agreed with me. My therapist said that it's likely you have validation issues from your childhood and that's why you are needy. Wow. Imagine being diagnosed by someone secondhand because they've talked about you in therapy. thanks for that pal cheers for that got daddy issues apparently my ex's therapist told him that he cheated on me because he wasn't loved enough as a child and he used to use it as an

excuse to always be the victim and repeated that I simply wouldn't understand yeah speaking of victim the only thing that we haven't touched on yet that grinds my gears I get it I get that there are people out there they're gonna live like this but his comment at the start where he said she just was too good for me like I didn't feel like I didn't deserve her I felt like I didn't deserve which is why I cheated on her I just find that 99% of the time such a piss weak fake excuse like if you truly didn't think you deserve someone and you had this absolute queen that wants to be with you and does everything right you worship her like you worship your relationship I think it's an excuse that's similar to it's not you it's me like it's like I just don't want to be with you I

cheated on you because I don't really particularly want to be with you right now it's not because you thought she was too good for you I'm sorry but I'm calling bullshit on whatever his name is Steven? Yeah, I mean, like it's punishing someone for your own inadequacies is what it is. But I think that this would be more common than what maybe we're giving credit to. And what I mean by that is, is for anyone who has been cheated on, the two very common explanations for it is one, I didn't feel good enough or worthy enough. And also the second one is, is I didn't feel loved enough or connect enough in the relationship. There is always some sort of reasoning. I mean, the third one is just that I'm lacking in empathy and I'm a sociopath and I like to you know once

again throwing terms around but it is it's it's lacking in the ability to have empathy or care for your relationship because that that does exist as well but it's hard to unpack which one of those things is the reason and maybe it's a little bit of a combination of all of them sometimes I also don't want to take away the fact that that actually happens like it does happen and people that don't feel good enough it is a real reason like I do want to validate it I just think it gets thrown around too much as well I've had people say that to me and I have had that feeling as well like I was in a relationship I remember I've spoken about a few years ago very early on we dated for three months when I was living in England I was so into it he was really into me

it was going really well and then I found out that he was from his family were billionaires like they were in the top richest people and he didn't tell me that I just did a stalk like I just Googled him, you know, because I was like, wanted to find out more. Cause it was just, it was, he was, every time I would ask questions, it was a bit elusive. And it was obviously because he wanted to protect the fact that his family had money, which I totally get. And the second I found out, I self-sabotaged that relationship because I didn't feel good enough. I was like, no, but what I'm saying is I can understand when people say they get that feeling of not feeling good enough. And I was like, I will not fit into that life.

I'm not good enough to be in that in that world and I had that feeling but it didn't relay into cheating and me being a dickhead I was just like oh this isn't the relationship for me I don't which I you know there's part of me that regrets would love a billion dollars but I've got Ben so we won't go into that too much I think what I hate about that the most though is that so often and I am going to be talking in like gender stereotypes here so often I think men use that as a weapon against successful women oh you're achieving so much and I just didn't feel like I was good enough in this relationship and that's why I was seeking validation from other girls on Instagram or like I just I get really frustrated because I see that narrative play out a lot I've seen it happen in

my own life you know when I've had various successes and the people that I was dating were really envious of that and used it as a way to like justify their shitty behavior which only made me feel worse because I was like well I'm trying to strive and succeed and you're using this as a reason for why you've cheated on me like you've implied that I'm at fault for that I think that in order to like wrap this up, one thing that is very evident is like, although therapy is great, it certainly isn't the green flag in dating. It definitely doesn't mean that someone's got everything figured out. It certainly doesn't mean that that person is emotionally or mentally at a place of nirvana where you've hit the jackpot. and I think as well like if somebody is bringing it up early in your dating or using it as a way to garner sympathy for things that they have done in the past or as an excuse of how that they've bettered themselves from the things they've done in their past don't discredit I'm not saying that

everything is something to be like alert and alarmed but like you know have the blinkers well and truly aware of what could be happening and how those conversations could be unfolding well I haven't finished it yet so I don't know if Stephen and Monica end up together I don't know if This little tidbit of therapy manipulation is going to, like, get him the home run, but I'll keep you posted. And if you guys have watched it, don't send me spoilers. It's time for Accidentally Unfiltered. Now, I have a long one, but it is brilliant.

Back in 2008, I was 18 and lived in the Central Coast, but we used to go to Fanny's nightclub in Newcastle every weekend. Fanny's nightclub. I've been there. I used to live in Newy, frequented Fanny's. It was my first. Take that the wrong way. It was my first ever nightclub.

Yeah. Fanny's. Fanny's. Imagine being the marketing guy who was like, you know what we should call this place? Fanny's Nightclub. It was called something else. They've changed it now.

No doubt. They refurbed and it's called the Igole House now, which is nowhere near as fun but probably slightly classier. I'm going to Fanny's tonight. My church used to be next door to it. From Fanny's to church. Yeah, sometimes on a Sunday morning there would still be people trickling out. Would they be going to confessional?

Okay, let's stay on track. We're at Fanny's. My best friend's boyfriend met us there one night with a couple of his mates. I saw one of them and was in immediate love. The feeling was mutual and we made out the entire night. He lived on the northern beaches of Sydney, but his family also owned a holiday house right on the beach at the central coast, which coincidentally was just down the road from my house.

He and I made plans to meet up the following day at the beach right in front of his place. I was fashionably early, which an hour or so. That's a bit creepy. sitting out in front of his house for an hour. I was fashionably early. I text him to let him know I was there and to take his time. He responded immediately, apologizing that his dad had asked him to go back to Sydney for the day to run errands, that he'd be back later in the afternoon and he said he'd make it up to me by taking me to dinner that night. An hour or so goes by and then I see a large group of girls congregate on the beach in front of his house. I didn't think

much of it until one of them walked up the stairs and came back to the beach with him but she just said i'm here but it was an hour had gone past he went out with her into the ocean and i started making out i sat and watched for far too long oh no my heart was breaking but this guy was in therapy i really we should be i really thought i had met the most amazing guy so before i left the beach i walked up past where they were swimming and i yelled out from the shore nice one dickhead and I flipped him the bird and then I walked off all of these girls cracked up laughing at me he looked shocked his girlfriend looked fucking puzzled I was like yeah I really showed him by the time I walked home I had a message from him hey how was the beach are you still there I'm

leaving Sydney now I'll be home in an hour can't wait to see you he mustn't have seen me from the ocean and I thought I feel sick I know what's happening I thought the height of this motherfucker I texted the most awful message back saying I saw you at the beach I'm not dumb delete my number I'm blocking you etc he responded what I've been in Sydney I blocked him deleted forgot about him a year later my friend's boyfriend asked why I ghosted the guy and that he always asked how I am and I told him what happened and he absolutely lost it laughing he was cracking up and I'm like wow I'm glad you think this is funny he proceeded to tell me that he has an identical twin brother i knew i knew it the brother has tattoos and the twin doesn't but how was i supposed to know that

because i had never seen him with his shirt off i had already been in a relationship for seven months by this stage with a different guy but i was curious if this was the truth and then i knew i had fucked up yep googled facebook and searched for him identical twin brother oh my god i love That she flipped in the bird? Yeah, good one, dickhead. But imagine the girlfriend being like, explain yourself. Who the fuck was that? The girlfriend would have just been so confused.

Okay, surely, surely the guy would have realised that she had seen the brother. Like, sure, come on. He would have known because he would have been like, what are you talking about? I'm in Sydney. And then he would have gone, oh, that's right, I'm an identical twin and my brother has a girlfriend.

like surely he's not that dumb but you know what she did say that like they've met up sporadically over the years and they still have big feelings for each other but their stars haven't aligned if you feel like that and you've got a boyfriend of seven months you probably can just oh this was a long time ago this was back in 2018 but maybe what they need is fannies maybe they need for fannies to reopen so they can rekindle the love sounds like she needs a bit of dick to be honest sorry continue that was too far all right on that note on that note that's not okay sorry everyone if you've made it this far you're in the fold all right suck and sweet my suck for the week look i know that there's rules and we're not supposed to say things we've already said but

there is a two meter long diamond python in the roof and it's pregnant and having babies fair i'd say that that's pretty bad doesn't get much worse than that oh no actually my other suck is so we were cleaning up the garden, just trying to make it so that it's actually usable. Hopefully it'll be done by Christmas. I don't think it will be, but I'm trying. Okay. So we're cleaning up the garden and I got this scratch. It's so nothing. It's the most nothing scratch in the whole world, but it did bleed for a little while, but the scratch was on a rusty, dirty nail. And so then I had to go and get a tetanus shot. So I had to leave the work site and go and get a tetanus shot. And if you've had a tetanus shot, they make you really tired. And then I had to use a broom for

Two days. It's such a hard labor, aren't you? You're snake catching, grooming and tetanus needling. I had to dust and like my shoulders hurt and my hips hurt. My back hurts. Could have tetanus. Could die. You're fine.

I'm fine. You could also get eaten by a diamond python. But anyway. I literally went to the medical center in Milton and she was like, I don't think it would be possible to get tetanus from such a shallow scratch. She's like, it hasn't even actually broken the surface. She said, just so you know how tetanus forms, it's like asphorical. I don't know.

It's like a word that she used. I didn't know what it was. but basically it's like it needs to embed itself into your muscle and she's like is it anaerobic anaerobic yeah she's like that is very superficial but i'll give it to you anyway i feel like your cat could have scratched you deeper than that yeah but my cat's not a rusty dirty nail that's been in the earth your cat's dead the python my cat is in a python stomach okay well my sweet is my sweet is you don't have one my sweet is that the tiles went into the downstairs bathroom That's a fucking sweet.

I did see it. It looks good. The Renault is taking shape. And every time I go into the house now, I have these moments of like, I can see what is going to be. Whereas before I was like, I have no idea how this shit show is going to turn out. But now I can kind of see it coming together. Okay.

My suck this week, I had a really, really great week. So I don't have any sucks. My suck is going to sound so dumb. It is a public holiday today when we're recording in New South Wales. And we're at work. We got to work early. we are working all day we don't get the public holiday but that's not even the suck because we would never leave you guys hanging so we work all the time yeah but the suck is that I got here

didn't have a lot of sleep because it's I'm supportive girlfriend it's Ben's match day which he plays at 1 30 in the morning so I was watching that then we got up at 6 blah blah blah blah the suck is that there is no coffee shop open in any vicinity of our work today so I always get to work and get my coffee I felt like I needed it more than ever today everything's closed I made you a really delicious one though so bad i think it's off i think the milk's off we made one at work with this little coffee machine so bad my sweet for the week is it hasn't really happened yet but delilah has like a photo shoot tomorrow delilah has a job that she's doing hawk her out and part of the job is she has to wear like the cutest outfit that you've ever seen so i can't wait to

show you guys because she looks she looks proper lit like she looks like a rock star cute i'll show I can't wait to see. She looks – my sweet is that my dog looks lit tomorrow. Oh, stop it. Stop. You need to see me. I don't know. She looks like Elton John, if that's what you mean by a rock star.

She's giving Elton John – Look how cute she is. She looks like a 78-year-old man. She looks like a saxophonist. If a dog could be like a jazz star, she looks like a jazz star. Very cute. All right. Well, look, guys, that is it from us.

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