Life Uncut - The Ask Uncut Aftermath

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

Bonus Ep - Ask Uncut AftermathIf you've ever listened to an episode of Ask Uncut and wondered WHAT HAPPENED, then today's episode is for you! Today's episode is a whole lot of answers to how those sticky situations panned out.We have answered hundreds of questions in ask uncut over the years and given our unqualified but enthusiastic and 'lived in' advice and we wanted to ask how you guys got on after.You can send your ask uncut questions or your follow ups to @lifeuncutpodcast on the gram and keep sharing the love because we love love! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut and it is a very, very, very special little episode. Why is that, Brittany?

Have you introduced yourself yet? Nah, people know I'm Laura. I'm on holidays, baby. After my laugh, they know I'm Brittany. Now, this is an Ask Uncut Aftermath. This is a very special edition. We are in the middle of our mid-year break. We're both in Bali, but we're not together.

But right now we're not in Bali. We're in Bali in spirit. We have recorded this before we went on break purely because we – We want a break. I mean, we want one, but also we love dropping little bonus episodes for you guys, and we didn't want to leave you hanging for an entire month, so we thought we would punctuate the silence with an Ask Uncut Aftermath. So if you are new to the podcast, welcome.

This is a random episode to start on, but we welcome you nonetheless. Never start on an episode that says bonus, unless it's an accidentally unfiltered bonus and you're just here for the lols. That's probably a good one. No, but Ask Uncut, you guys every single week for three, over three years now, which is absolutely insane to us. You write in your questions, your deepest, darkest, burning, sexiest, sometimes not so sexy questions.

And Laura and I have an absolute field day trying to answer them and give you our best advice. Now, we're very spirited. We're very experienced with a lot of these things. We're not professional. We don't have a degree in it, but we're passionate. We have never pretended like we are professionals in this, nor have we ever pretended that our advice is necessarily the advice that you should take.

But it's the advice that we would give our best friends or our sisters or each other. It may not actually be the things that we would do, but it's the advice that we give. Do you reckon we should have been putting disclaimers on for the last three years? Disclaimer, this may or may not work if we cannot be held accountable. Yeah, also please go and see a recommended professional as well. But the whole purpose of this is that for so many of us, and you guys write in to us and tell us the same thing, like we answer these questions, we hear 50% of the story,

and then all of us are left thinking. Well, you ghost us. What happened? Yeah, we're ghosted. We don't get the follow-up. We don't get the answer. And that is what this episode is. and Laura and I do always say to each other sometimes we put bets on with each other and

it's not a bet because we never know the answer but sometimes we're like what do you reckon to happen to that person or what do you reckon happened in that situation do you reckon they told us do you reckon they asked it do you reckon they broke up we always wonder and you guys writing too saying you know we want to know what the answers are to these so if we have ever answered one of your ask uncuts please send the answer in to instagram to life uncut podcast please write to us tell us what your question was and then tell us the outcome just just put a title at the top ask uncut aftermath or ask uncut follow-up because we want to be doing more of these bonus episodes because you guys want the answers as much as we do so please send them in well getting into today's

episode i'm going to read i think the best way for us to attack this is how we did it the last time we did this we're going to read out the original question and then hopefully if you guys if you're a diehard life uncut fans you will know and you may have heard the question in the past but if not, and you don't know the question, it's there. And then I'll also give you the answer. I'm going to go first. My boyfriend of five years came home today and told me that he has fallen out of love with me. I knew our sex life was a bit rocky, but everything else has been the same and amazing. So I'm completely blindsided by this. I'm heartbroken. And I just need some advice on how the fuck I am supposed to be okay. Let alone move on when I am still in love with him. There

were no signs at all we were fine yesterday and then he came home and said he just doesn't want to do this anymore and he has fallen out of love with me do you remember this one I do and I just feel in this position because when there is nothing like no sign that something is amiss and within yourself you're like oh this is a beautiful perfect relationship we're so in love when the other person comes and they're like surprised don't love you it's so hard to comprehend because you're like what do you mean yesterday we were getting married yesterday we were fine like it just hits you like a ton of bricks well it's the most intense emotional whiplash right like I feel like in this situation so many people feel robbed like you didn't tell

me that something was wrong and here I was none the wiser I could have tried to fix it before it became a problem but instead you didn't communicate with me now I remember the conversation we had around this question and the conversation was often when it feels like it's come out of nowhere if you look back and you kind of breadcrumb throughout your relationship you can usually find telltale signs that may indicate where things were starting to derail. Now, luckily the solution for this one, the resolution is a really positive one. And the listener has written in, it's very good news for me. We ended up having a big discussion about our love languages as he had previously been feeling that his needs were not being met. He is a very sexually driven person and also needs

physical touch. And for me, I'm more quality time. Once we really got into things, it was easy to understand where he was coming from and how he reached this point and then I also brought up that I needed to really work on our communication in order to not get here again a year later our sex life is so much better and we communicate everything really well so we now know exactly where we both stand I'm extremely happy that we've worked through things and we are about to celebrate seven years together it's a love story that is that is such a great aftermath this is the resolution we want this is a oh this isn't working wait let's use that thing we always say communication communication is key we've done a whole episode on love languages we cannot stress

the importance of talking about your love language what drives you what drives your partner figuring that out because if you don't know and you're butting heads that's what happens people break up but look you don't have to you can fall in love again but isn't this just like the nicest reminder as well that sometimes when things feel completely futile in a relationship or when one person thinks because like this happens often they think this can't be resolved so I might as well just leave like I'm not happy so I might as well walk away but there are so many other things that you can do in a relationship by communicating by trying to better understand your partner by actually working through things and that you can from a really shitty period going from your

partner saying I don't love you anymore to then get to a place where you can be incredibly happy a year later. For anybody who has been in that situation where you feel like we're never going to be able to get back from a point where my partner doesn't love me, it is a testament to the fact that you can. Everything gets better in time. All right, aftermath number two. Okay, now I think you'll remember this one. This was a very specific one. So my partner and I have been together for about two years now. He has an ex that he's still in communication with because his salary sacrificed a car for her when they were together oh yeah he was still paying off the car yeah so she had just been paying back this car in installments i know they don't really talk much

like maybe once every couple of months and it's always only ever about the car i know this because i confronted him about it before and he showed me everything however my issue is whenever they do speak it's always very flirty even though it's not often it's flirty should I just not even worry about it because they talk so infrequently or is it a red flag when he showed me the messages I did ask why they were talking like that and he said it was to make sure he stayed on her good side just to get his money back do you remember this one I remember this and I remember that we were like no it's not an excuse you don't need to be like oh hey baby how are you pooch uh you owe me my money I've just made the transfer in order to keep someone on the good side we were like

sometimes it can be easy to slip into language or slip into talking to your ex in the way that you might have talked to them when you were together because you had that familiarity with each other but that doesn't make it normal and it certainly doesn't make it okay when you're in another relationship well also I think at the end of the day we like to feel special like we like to feel wanted we like the attention so even if he had no feelings there he's probably like oh it feels nice to have someone give me this flattery I think that that that's what it is but there is a very fine line like our advice at this point was like that's not cool you need to talk to him yeah and I think it also like it's a reflection of that person's boundaries like I remember when

I was in my 20s and then I had an ex which was like a very long-stemming ex an ex that came in and out of my life throughout my whole 20s like we had a big relationship it was one of my big formative relationships but he would still and I guess I would to him as well he would still use like our relationship nickname for each other even when we weren't in a relationship like he would message he would call me pooch but he would still message me like hey pooch like and that's how we kept in contact looking back not okay absolutely not fucking okay and I I never did it when I was in relationships with other people but at the same time it just it was almost like he always still had his claws in a little bit you know in that way I have done the same thing the same thing

probably recently yes oh wow okay we may or may not be speaking about Jordan and everyone goes weird no but it's like when you have names for each other it's easy for when we worry I mean like we don't really communicate that much anymore we'll always be friends but like we've tried to move on uh but there was a long time there over this year that we were still talking and would the nicknames would be used and it you can't you just can't because it elicits this feeling inside this it's attached to a memory and those names are attached to a feeling and you can't do it you just have to go back to the name the whole name no shortcuts nothing use the middle name if you have to use mr you sir you like they're in a lot of fucking trouble jordan thompson you

were in trouble that's what this is okay i'm gonna read you what happened girls following up yes the girl was horrible with money and it was over ten thousand dollars that she was behind in repayment so this is a this is a large amount of money that she had to pay him back and this is why he was still in communications with her he wanted his ten thousand dollars back I had a conversation with him and he actually opened up a lot about how mad he was at her for leaving him in so much debt and how he'd even gone and gotten a solicitor recently involved he hadn't told me any of this previously as he knew talking about her didn't make me feel good so he kept it all to himself. Fast forward to just last Friday where she made one lump sum payment and it has been paid

off completely. She paid the whole lot in one go. This is because he got a solicitor involved. She is now blocked and deleted from his contacts and I feel better than ever about it. I actually love that he acknowledged how it made me feel whereas previously I had seen him not wanting to talk about it as if he was hiding something if we'd only been open with communication at the start we both would have known this this is a really great outcome for everyone except the girl that had to pay ten thousand dollars and now he's blocked and deleted for everybody else involved in this situation this is great so he was trying to do the right thing by his partner by like just trying to get the money back not talk about it but the flirtiness is obviously a thing

yeah and don't you also think though like so often in relationships we assume that we know the answer Like something might make us feel a certain way. And in this instance, him being secretive made her feel insecure. So therefore, when you feel insecure, you make assumptions around someone's behavior. And just because you feel something and just because you assume something doesn't make it a fact. And we can all be guilty at times in our relationships of thinking that we know something as an absolute, when actually when you sit down, you have a conversation about it, the circumstances around it have just been interpreted incorrectly. Okay. I'm going to go on to number three. Now this one I'm going to reduce down because the

actual question was really, really long, but this is kind of the summation of the question. All right. We actually answered this one quite a long time ago. So I wrote in a question asking if I should leave my partner of nine years. The short version of that question is he didn't want kids. He didn't want to get married. And I was struggling to forgive him for infidelity that happened early in our relationship. I listened to that episode and your advice on repeat for months on end. Now I remember, cause I looked back through our messages. I remember this question and our advice, our advice is very rarely, very rarely that you should just throw in the towel. I think it's really wrong.

Sometimes it's wrong. We just don't read those ones out. No, our advice is very rarely to just break up. But I think when we actually unpacked this relationship, we were like, it's been nine years. You are not aligned in the things that you want. You haven't been able to overcome infidelity that happened years prior like there's there's so much trauma in this relationship and there's so many layers and obstacles that mean that you're never going to get to a place where you both see eye to eye and for every year because this is the big thing right for people who have been in long-term relationships but they can't quite make it work we often think but I need to stay in this relationship because I've invested so much time and I'm not going to find somebody

else who I have this with because you know nine years of my life has been invested in this relationship. So you, so then you stay longer, nine years turns into 10 years. Cause you hope that things are going to change because you're too scared to jump ship and start again. And I think that that is why the outcome for this is such a special one and one that I really wanted to read out. But basically she said, long story short, it took me six whole months to build up the courage to leave my ex, but I did it. And I left him. Now my intention was that I was going to be single and live my best life and run away on holidays and have a wonderful time as a single person. However, just when you're not looking for it. And specifically it was eight days later,

after I broke up with my ex, I met the love of my life. We are now engaged. I have never been happier, more looked after, adored, or have had the confidence that I have now. We want all the same things. We want kids, marriage, a house and dogs together. Everything is exactly as I've always wanted in my relationships. Like you guys always say, if he wanted to, he would. And also the other one when you know you know and i certainly know oh it's so nice they're also how long after the breakup was it she met the guy eight days which i look she met him eight days after a little bit a little bit fast you know what no is it fast because okay look i'm so excited about this they would yes it's only eight days later but this relationship internally within

the relationship i think was over for a long time and i think the listener checked out you can still physically be there but internally you're like I the feelings have deteriorated I know we don't want the same things and it's just hard to leave because you've been in it so long it's what you know it's habit it's what's safe it's what's comfortable totally but she checked out so eight days later whilst it is very very close that's what it takes and this is like a I get so excited by this I'm a really big believer that the next door can't open until the one behind you is closed so this who knows how long this the soulmate was floating around waiting but they were never going to be available to you when you weren't available for it so I think that that's a really beautiful

way to sum up this question and this situation yeah and I totally agree with what you just said Brit like it's so true I think like from the outset eight days is an incredibly short amount of time and normally my rational brain would be like girlfriend you should have waited you should have worked for the breakup you should have like had some independent time gotten to a place where you felt really confident but like we know that life is messy and when great opportunities present themselves or you meet someone who you have these like intense connection with and they are the person that you want to be with then there's not a time limit on recovery for some people some breakups take years years some short relationships take years some long relationships take a really

small amount of time and it does come down to how much disassociation happened whilst you're in that relationship how much actual like repair recovery how much did you make peace with that when you were still in the relationship versus what happened after the breakup I had a girlfriend this is very recent she was in a three-year relationship she was holding on because she loved him but at the end of the day he was a little bit older he was past the things that she wanted to do she wanted to be young and travel it was past his use by date he wanted to she wanted to go live in different countries yeah past the use by date like it was not like past issues by day for that relationship the relationship yeah so she had a very very hard time in accepting that it was over and she ended

up making the decision but it was very very hard she was very very heartbroken she went online dating she hadn't been online dating in years and she thought i'm just gonna do it she's like there's no part of me that wants to date anyone i'm gonna do this to like try and forget him get over him just you know like i'm just gonna go and use and abuse this dating site you know what they say you gotta get over it wait you gotta you gotta get under it to get over it almost laura you gotta get somewhere to get something you gotta get under it to get over it she went on this she met someone online she's like you you are cute you're gonna be my person then I'm gonna go out and get back into the dating world anyway first person she dated and I'm talking like a week later she hit

it off fast forward three months they live together they're traveling together they're it they are completely sold they talk about marriage and that was she said the same thing she goes it's crazy because I didn't want it but I didn't know this was out there because I'd been holding on to something that was so wrong for so long first person straight away and I was like girl how did you do that I was like look at me I've been I've been on the most tumultuous journey for the last 10 years and you just like waltz from one to the other and find your penguin but it's so it's so true though like I mean for so many people and I think that anybody who's been through a fucking terrible breakup but then has found love after a breakup when you're going through it when you're

in the throes of that hurt and that pain that everyone feels in a bad breakup you think I'm never ever going to meet someone who I love as much as this person like we've all had those feelings before and then lo and behold there's something that happens time heals all and you end up meeting someone again like I know it can seem unfathomable but it just truly happens you know and it's just as the world is round people manage to fall in love again all right next aftermath this was a really really cute one this is short and sweet how do I say I love you okay girls I've been with my partner for over a year now and we've never said I love you and trust me I love him I think but I can't be sure but I think he's whispered it during sex before

but me with really poor hearing questioned it and I was like what did you say really kill the moment does I love you during sex count if that's what it was I feel like we've waited so long to say it and now it's almost too long and it's too awkward I'm pretty introverted so I can't just blurt it out do you remember this girl a whole year they were together and she's like I love him so much but I don't know how to tell him and I was like you've made it such a big deal now that you know but like when sometimes when you leave something for so long then the pressure becomes even more because you you're like well now it has to be a really special experience it has to be the right time the right place the more you put something off

the bigger it festers and grows which is not how you want that to be okay well this is the follow up okay girls it was nearly six months ago that I wrote this in and you answered my question but I have news I finally did it last night so that means it's been 18 months I love you yes let's have chicken for dinner I love you chicken curry I love you you just say it as you're running out the door like I also how do you do it does she say how she did it did she like did you gaze deeply into his eyes what happened she just said so now it's been 18 months they waited 18 months even though she loved him the whole time bless her soul turns out he definitely did say it during sex that time when i couldn't hear him properly and he said he has said it on

at least two other occasions which means he's whispering it too he's like can you pass him the glove like he's whispering it too uh you girls were absolutely right there was nothing at all to worry about he basically reassured me of everything you both said my one piece of advice for anyone in a similar situation is just do it love is the best isn't that the cutest that's the sign that's the sign off she goes love is the best but also like what's the worst thing that's gonna happen they just don't say it back you're not gonna die someone told me they love me this year that wasn't jordan and i did and we all know the brits only been on a couple of dates so shit got real real quick I mean could have been someone from the past a ghost from the past but

they said they love me and I laughed because I was so taken I know it was my no I know I can't laugh Laura I was there I was so taken aback and it was so unexpected that I started to awkward laugh and then I just said no I said no you don't my answer was no you don't and they said yes I do and I said no you don't and that was the extent of that conversation RIP me do you know what I I have a deep, I have a deep understanding for the awkward laugh, a deep, deep understanding. I will never forget. I can't even say it because like I always end up laughing, which is so fucked because it's not funny. I was, I was devastated when my cat died. I remember trying to tell my boss. I remember trying to tell my boss and I was fucking devastated, but there was something

really that just sounded so silly about me being like, I think because I was so upset that I was trying to explain to my boss how I was so upset and then I started laughing and I was like I am the person who's laughing at a funeral mind you it's a cat funeral but I was I was like there's something wrong with me there's something wrong with how my body works why am I laughing at something that actually I feel really sad about I but I laughter for me is a nervous reaction but it's how I deal with literally everything I could be oh yeah you're like this is a deep trauma but I'm gonna laugh about it embarrassment laugh heartbreak laugh someone offends me laugh like someone tells me I love me laugh like I I laugh at everything it's because it's a it's a coping

mechanism to like to turn things around even though it could be a cry laugh I could be you've seen me Laura I could be bawling my eyes out of sadness but then it turns into a laugh cry and then I don't know what's happening and no one does no one knows it's a very confusing moment but this is also okay but going back to this whole like telling someone that you love them and them not being able to say it back it's just literally like my life on The Bachelor every time I said to Matt like I'm falling in love with you he just looked at me and smiled and I was like this is fucking awkward um I was like Nick I think I'm falling for you and he was like oh because I'm just here for the money he did have a pretty good paycheck so I get it all

right let me do one more of these aftermaths okay I've been with my partner for over six months now and we were very much in love and have a super healthy relationship however my partner has just finished his university degree and has been offered a full-time role in Tasmania. We are both from Melbourne. He's made it pretty clear to me that he will have to get a job interstate. He seems very sure about this idea and he's thinking of potentially moving there in a couple of months to a year's time. Now there's a problem. He literally has never asked me to come with him or what I've thought about the whole thing, which gives me the impression that he is not factoring me into his decision-making. I know I can't go there. I still have another few years left of my

degree and I'm not particularly wanting to move to Tasmania either. I'm hurt because I would like him to at least have thought about it. And I would like to know what this means for us. I feel like I have invested a lot into this relationship and don't want to just go through another heartbreak. What do I do? Now, of course, our response to this was communicate, but also I think we said like, it's a pretty clear indicator. Like if your partner is making big plans outside the relationship without including you if they're saying like hey this is what I want to do and then there's crickets hey so I'm moving to America so see you in two years this has been fun we can we can you like chat on whatsapp um I think that that's a pretty clear indication of the level of investment that

the two of you are making in the relationship okay now the outcome of this aftermath is not a happy story but do you know what heartbreak happens and we keep it real here at life on and some people are hurt. Yeah. And this is a shitty one. Okay. Hi ladies. I really appreciate the advice on this question. So I decided that even if my partner was moving away, maybe we could still be together. And although we could do things differently and separately, we could experience different things and still stay together. However, a couple of days ago, my partner broke up with me because he saw that we were really different and it just wasn't going to work for him if he was in Tasmania. I'm devastated because it caught me by surprise. I did think we were

going to work this out. However, I know that he wasn't the one and I'm onto bigger and better things now. It's sad because sometimes people are telling us exactly what they want, you know, without necessarily saying words, but like their actions can often tell us exactly where our relationship stands and we hope for a better outcome, but you're never going to know that outcome unless you have really fucking hard conversations sometimes. And I think that sometimes we skirt around those hard conversations because we're scared of what the answer is going to be yeah and at the end of the day I mean I think it's always really important to try and take a positive from a situation when you can or look on the bright side cup half full when possible

in this situation it's so much better for this to have if it if it's inevitable and it's going to happen anyway it's so much better it happened now than you do a year or two long distance putting the time in thinking that you're both moving in the same direction and then two years later it's like oh you know what like not really into it totally two years you've just spent like waiting and I mean we've all I shouldn't say we've all been there but a lot of people have been there I've definitely done that in the past I put myself on hold for something this is much better if it's going to happen anyway you can deal with it now and you can get on and live your life yeah and also I think on this like no I'm not going to be like kudos to him or anything but I do think that

it is like the better and more admirable thing I think a lot of people could be like oh we'll just try a long distance and then they don't really put the effort in when they move because it's easier to do the slow fade when you're actually in different states you know like but really the intention always was that they didn't think it was going to work out anyway at least he was honest enough to tell you exactly where he stood and the fact that he didn't think it was going to work out when he moved and he had no intention to string you along longer than needed or to make you feel like that this could be something that it's just simply not and heartbreak always always always fucking hurts but it just means that you can have the opportunity now to move on with your life and

to start living it and doing things that make you happy and for yourself and with that all done and dusted that is us that is a wrap on our little sexy bonus not really sexy wasn't sexy at all it's a wrap on our bonus episode we love kind of dipping back into these stories and being able to give you the full stop at the end of the sentence i can only assume that it is time for us to go and have a margarita in Bali. Well, not me because I am doing dry July, baby. You have the mocktail and I'll have your margarita. Do you know that trying to do dry July, I really timed this quite poorly in terms of going away on holidays and doing dry July at the same time. This was a really ambitious, I mean, obviously this is a prerecord. So dry July hasn't technically started yet,

but I am acutely aware of how ambitious it is that I think I'm going to go to Bali and not have a single sip but what a great month it is and what a great place to be to be on like a health kick like barley's so great for the fitness and the healthy foods and the green juices oh yeah i'm there for the fruit platters baby it's like a pre pre pre wedding prep it's like it's pre the prep well do you know what i have signed up for a gym while i'm there and i plan on going to the gym yeah it's called hammerhead i'm planning on going like every other day because that is that will be the first time i've exercised in a year when shred is coming baby i have a very small dress i need to fit into guys please keep the ask uncut aftermath coming in we really like we

really really really genuinely love hearing the responses so if we've ever answered your question or you know we've answered your friend's question please send them in give us the update so we can keep bringing you these extra bonus episodes and on that note we are out we will be back on the 2nd of august resuming normal programming we'll have a great episode for you then well it's kind of semi-normal programming you'll be in and out in that month but we'll tell you all about that next month i might have some news that's what i will say but i'm like i'm actually bound to not talk about it yet but i might have some juice yeah those pesky fucking ndas how dare they but anyway guys that is it from us we hope that you loved this little storytelling episode don't

forget to tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the world that's weird i really got ahead of myself there this is the worst ending we are we are out we're on holidays