Life Uncut - The Best of the Pick Up - Massage therapy

Episode Date: September 15, 2024

It's our weekly round up! The best of the week from our National radio show THE PICKUP. On the show:  Producer Grace gets stopped at security Nickname origin stories Lola was not writing in her 'diahorrea' Massages gone wrong   You can watch us on Youtube Find us on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Mitch. And Brittany has left us. She's in Romania chasing bears.

Yeah, I don't know. And really good internet speed. Is that what's happening in Romania? Do you know Romania has something like the fifth fastest internet speed in the world? Really? Yeah. And a lot of bears. So many bears.

Where is it? This is ignorance. It's high up in Europe, like north, right? Oh, don't ask me. Near the Ukraine? Can we, Producer Grace, can you Google that? I think it's near Russia. Is it?

All right, Romania in the centre, under the Ukraine. It is above Bulgaria and to the right of Serbia and Hungary, for those wondering. Thank you so much for that geographical location. No worries. I appreciated that. So it's just you and I. We had fun, didn't we? Turkey.

We did an unpack of the reasons why we got the nicknames that we had when we were in school. Yeah, we won't tell you the reasoning, but we'll tell you the nickname. So yours was Turkey. I was Turkey. Into uni as well. You had that as an adult. The only reason why I don't have it as a nickname anymore is because I don't spend as much time with that group of friends.

But it followed me from primary school to high school to university. So if you went back to your university or your like a 20-year school reunion, would they know you as Turkey? Not from school because it was like, you know, when you have like your swimming or your sports friends and then you have your school friends, they were my sport friends. So, yeah, no. But if I went back to my swimming friends, yes, absolutely.

They'd be like, oh, Turkey. Nice to see you again. Gobble, gobble. Yes, mine was noodles. So you'll find out why in the show today. I was called Noodles and you were called Turkey. Also, I had a massage this week. I talk about that on the show.

And I was humbled. It was actually a very, I was asked to do something in the massage. And normally when you get a massage, it's your time to relax and do nothing. But I had to really flex some emotional intelligence on my masseuse. The thing that I think is the most upsetting about this is that you still had to pay for it. It was like you were giving free therapy away, but then you also still had to pay for the massage. That should have been a mutual exchange. The massage should have been free.

Free massage. I always wonder that. If you're a masseuse, do you massage your partner at home for free? No, absolutely not. Fuck no. Really? You're not a masseuse. True.

Don't speak above of a masseuse. No, but like if you're a hairdresser, do you cut your partner's hair for free? Yes, I'd say yes. You probably do. I'd say 100% yes. If you're a laser, would you go like laser their ass crack for free as well? No, because that device is in the office. You don't have that in your home office.

If you're a school teacher, do you teach your own children? You teach. Probably. That's a big question. I mean, you don't homeschool them because you're at work. You're teaching other people. You're teaching other children. True, true, true.

Something as well that happened in my household this week. So Lola mixed up two very, oh, look, they're not even that similar, but she mixed up the word diary and the word diarrhea. And bless her little soul. She had no idea what she was saying, but there was shit everywhere. That's good from you. Let's get into the show. We have a PSA for everybody listening right now.

If you were thinking about traveling, our producer Grace tried to get away on the weekend. She had a flight and she got stopped at the airport for something that she had on her persons and it was a really big event. Everyone stopped. Yeah, have you not heard that expression? No.

Also, the way you say tried to get away, like we keep her in a cage Monday through Friday. She tried to get away. We got her back, don't worry. She got to the weekend and she was like, get me out of here. It was a really big thing. The whole line of security stopped. The AFP were called in.

It was a big thing. Yeah. Producer Grace, can you please tell the listeners? I can, I can. So my beautiful wife and I decided to go away for the weekend. We wanted to have a bit of a romantic trip away. We went through airport security and unfortunately my wife got stopped and I was like, oh, God, what's going on?

I go back and I could see the guy pulling these things out of the suitcase and in the tub he just put all of our adult toys that we were taking for our romantic weekend away. Oh, you had a bag of adult toys? Well, it wasn't full of. You had a whole duffel bag of adult toys. There were a couple in there. How long were you going for?

Two nights. So wait, when they like get your laptops out, your iPads, and also your adult toys and just lay them out in a tray, they laid them out as in one by one, singularly, or in a pile? They were in one single tray or just like a flat lay situation, not covered by anything. No, no. And they were like, we're going to have to pop this through again.

And we were like, oh, God, okay, no worries. It went through three times. It kept getting flagged. How busy was it, producer-wise? It was lines. Lines out the door. There were so many people. Everyone could see.

And it comes up, you know, you can see on those screens. It was really awkward. What did you do? At what point were you like, okay, we'll just pretend like they're not ours and walk away from them? We were kind of just avoiding eye contact with everyone, which obviously makes us look way more suspicious. No, because you know how they all do the call-out as well.

They're like, sorry, whose bag is this? Oh, it's so awkward. Whose adult toys are here? Can you come and talk to us? But it turns out it was not the toys that was flagging things. It was my wife had a pocket knife in the bag that the toy was in. You guys are just some real kinky stuff, are you? No, it's just she likes foraging for mushrooms.

What? That's the most lesbian thing. I know. I'm so sorry. Anyway, she's like, this is an expensive Swiss Army pocket knife. It's a Leatherman. I have to take this home. Gets in an Uber, drives the knife back to our house to drop it off

to come back to the airport. Oh, Diana. We get stuck in airport security again. And I was like, please, Tommy, it's anything but these toys. I cannot deal with this again. So it happens a second time. Happens a second time because my wife has a second knife. Who is she?

I know. They love mushrooms, Laura. She loves knives. So did you get your items into the trip? Yes, we did. And we had a great weekend. I'm very relaxed. And also now you put everything into your checked luggage,

not in your carry-on. Well, you have to be so careful, don't you? I think this is the real lesson though. The things that you don't want to be pulled out of your bag, don't put them through the security check-in. Do you know what's crazy? When my sister got married maybe two years ago, she married a Scot.

So it was a big Scottish wedding. Everyone was in their kilts and it was amazingly fun. And one of our really good friends was flying up and he got stopped. Anyway, they, sir, can you come over here immediately? And he was like, oh God, what? And they pulled out a knife. And they're like, you have a dagger in your bag.

And he's like, oh, yes, I'm going. He pulled out his kilt. He said, I'm going to a Scottish wedding. It's part of the outfit. I put it on my leg. And they're like, oh, well, in that case, it's fine. They put it back in and sent him on his way. Let's say that all the criminals listening are going to be like,

hello, I'm off to a wedding in Northern Ireland. Don't worry about this bomb. It's traditional. It's part of the gospel. Part of it, naturally. I want to know, do you think there's ever a time where it's appropriate to publicly criticise someone else's parenting. So if you see a parent doing something that you don't think is a good idea

with their own children in a public space. But to find public, you're going to get up on a soapbox and yell it out? Maybe you're at the park. Maybe you're at the pub. Like wherever you are, they're doing something and you're like, that's terrible parenting. I should tell them. Mitch, do you reckon this story is going to be Laura criticising someone

or someone criticising Laura? She's been criticised for sure. No, I haven't. It's the other way around. You criticised. Okay, no, I didn't. And that's why I have a big question to ask. So we were at the pub on Saturday night.

I was there with my husband, with my two kids, and also with my mum. Now, Kimbo loves a wine. She is also a schoolteacher and she's very, very active in our kids' life. Like she's, you know, she's very good at parenting and she's also very responsible. So we're at the pub and we walked in, we sat down at our table and at the table directly next to us were these three kids. They were like three boys, maybe around 10 years old. They were really young and they were sitting there.

They were like really excited about a game that they were playing and they were, you know, writing something down and looking up at the screen. And then we realised they were playing Keno. Not only were they just pretending to play, their parents had bought them Keno tabs. You know, like when you go up and you get the little paper that you enter your numbers on.

I don't know. I'm not playing. I'm civilised. I'm also not 70, but they play Keno. Isn't Keno just like a bingo? Yeah, but it's for adults. It's still gambling. Yeah, it's full gambling.

Yeah, but okay, take away the money. Kids can still play that. It's like memory. No, but this is it. It's still illegal. So the kids were sitting there playing Keno. Their family was on the other table. So we were kind of sandwiched in between.

We were the meat between the parents and the kids playing Keno. So my mum realised that they were playing it properly and not just a pretend game, that their parents had obviously paid for money for them to have active games. And my mum was outraged. and I was like, mum, don't say anything. Don't say a single thing.

And she was like, I can't believe it. She didn't directly talk to the table, but she talked so loudly about her disapproval of this, you know, child gambling that she made sure that the table next to us heard her to the point that they then turned around and said, I'm sorry, but if you have a problem with it, you can mind your own business. To my mother.

Actually, I feel so incredibly uncomfortable. I'm on the side of the parents. I think work smarter, not harder. Why do we have to be at our kids' beck and call 24-7? They're 10 years old. They can amuse themselves. I'm not saying yes to gambling, but I wouldn't say it's lazy parenting because you've said amuse yourself. I think that that's why it's lazy parenting, because the only thing that they could come up with to get the kids to amuse themselves in that place is something that is actually not child appropriate. But the question that I really wanted to know is, is do you think there's ever a situation where or a way that you can

criticize someone's parenting with them, you know, like directly to them? Or do you just have to always? I think no, Laura. I think no. I think you do not know what is going on inside someone's family. You don't know the child parent relationship. I don't think you can. It's such a personal dig that you know 1%. You know the tip of the iceberg, right? You see one moment or a couple of bad keynote taps and then you think, oh my God, you know the full story. You might not. You don't know. I only think you can when it is a very serious issue.

If there's physical violence or things like that, I think it's okay to step. Like if you're watching somebody reprimand someone that everyone knows is too far, I think 100% you step in. But for its normal parenting, no, you can't go and say anything to them. I used to roll my dad's cigarettes at the local park. He had a cigarette machine. I used to get the little pouch and I knew how to wet the tip.

I could have created a factory. Sure you did, Mitch. If Etsy was a thing back in the day, I would have been making money. I was rolling those things so quick. I used to go to auctions with my dad. It was an auctioneer. I was like, do I have $225,000? Do I have $230,000?

I was about eight years old. And we're fine. It's fine. We're desperate for attention now as adults, but we're fine. I'm still selling myself off. Do I have $225,000? If you are a massage fiend like me, I feel like in this country, we all love a good massage on a weekend.

Not me. I hate a massage. Really? Genuinely, I don't like them. Laura doesn't like being touched, Laura. No, I don't like them because it's so rare that they're actually super enjoyable. And there's nothing I hate worse than spending an hour and having like a week massage, a week touch.

Yeah. I'm glad I bought you that $300 massage voucher for your birthday. That's a great show. I get to touch twice a week. Do what you will with that. I get a massage twice a week. And your boyfriend lives overseas, everyone. For those wondering, it's…

You've got to eat somewhere. She's paying for those touches. Well, yes, I am. But I'm not paying to be touched. Well, no, I am. But that kind of touch. It's just a massage, all right? I get you, I get you.

I just like, I get that pain. I paid for a massage and the most humbling thing happened. I took all my clothes off and I walked in and they were dead, right? So I walk in, it's in the middle of a Westfield shopping centre and I've been here before and I go, I want full back, you know, full back, shoulder, neck, everything. I want the full kick caboodle, one hour massage. Front, back and side.

Totally, yeah. Touch me everywhere. So she goes, lie down, take your clothes off. So I lie down, I sit there and I'm lying on my stomach and she walks in and she starts to chuckle, the masseuse. So she goes, and my face is muffled by the leather hole. I go, this is so funny. And she goes, you remind me of my brother.

And I went, oh, I haven't said anything. What, because you're naked? I haven't done anything yet. That was awkward too. We do. And I went, oh, is he very, very handsome? It's a joke. And she went, no, actually, he's not handsome, nor is he ugly.

He's kind of in the middle. And I was like, oh, okay. That's really insulting. She goes, yeah, to be honest, I'm not trophies into men or women. And I was like, all right. She starts to massage me. Kind of awkward silence for a bit. Massage my shoulders.

She goes, I don't know how to have a conversation with him, actually. I'm like, oh, God, here we go. And my brain's just going into relax mode. So she hits my shoulders. The serotonin starts to release. She goes, do you have any tips? So I'm lying there on my stomach, butt naked, just being told I'm not hot, but I'm also not ugly.

I'm in that medium area. Good thing that she knew, though, straight from seeing you naked, that you were gay. 100%. She was like, this is a gay man right here. I had a jockstrap on. It said pride on the waistband. Hairy back.

I do have a tattoo that says men. He'll absolutely know how to handle this question. So I was sitting there with this masseuse, and I'm more than happy to oblige. If you ever want advice on coming out or whatever your question to me may be, go for it. Yeah, place and time though. Totally.

I was muffled by a leather rim, which, you know, so does her brother has that problem too. And I helped her. And at the end, at the end of the massage, an hour later, I didn't have the most relaxing massage, but she hugged me and she said, Thank you so much for that. I learnt so much. Were you still naked?

No, I was clothed. But she still had oil on her hands and I had oil on my body. So it was a real oil-sensual massage. There are times in life you don't want to have to be a therapist and they're when you're getting a massage. It's like that is the only time you don't want to talk, you don't want to think, you want to lay there and relax. I remember I was getting a massage and it was dead silent.

It was everything I wanted. There was no talking. And I was like, this is amazing. And she did this like really big push up my back where she started from my bottom and like went up all the way and then silence, ready? Did you fart or? She farted.

Are you sure? Mate, it was one of those things where there's no way you can pretend it didn't happen because we all heard it and I didn't know what to do. So nothing, I ignored it, she ignored it. We kept going on in silence. It smelled, yeah, but it was what do you do? I can't say. Oh, what?

I don't know. I would have laughed, but I also questioned in that moment, If she's pushing on you, it might have come from you. I'm pretty sure I'm old enough to know if something escapes my bottom. How can she be grinding on your back only to let one slip herself? That doesn't make sense. Because her tummy was obviously clenched because I'm quite strong. So she was probably trying to get really deep into the muscle

and it just slipped out. It happens. It's fine. But it was one of those awkward moments where you're like, what do I do with it? Do we acknowledge it? No, we did not acknowledge it. Play on, play on.

Everybody has like a bad massage story. And that is also why I don't enjoy them. I also think it's just weird that you meet someone for the first time, walk into a room, then take all your clothes off. The whole thing is strange to me. I agree with you. You know, my dad, Mark Turey, has been banned from the local – he'll kill me for saying this story.

He's been banned from the local massage parlour because he moans too aggressively. Oh, that's such a sorry. He has received a verbal warning and then a written warning from Zenday Spa. A written warning? We used to get father and son massages on Sundays and now we can't. Wait, no wonder she thinks you're gay. You're going –

Now, listen, I had a massage on the weekend. Here's what it sounded like. And the woman obviously felt connected to me. I was butt naked, oiled up. And she asked for coming out advice for her brother, who she didn't know his sexuality, didn't know if he was gay or straight, but thought, you know what, this guy with a coif full of hair looks like he knows how to kiss a man, I'll ask him.

It's also like when you're at the hairdresser's and the hairdresser wants to have a long, prolonged conversation with you, which is okay because I think you expect that when you're at the hairdresser. Yeah. But not when you're getting a massage. No. The last time I went and had a massage, they were playing this music. Right now, what we're listening to, it was beautiful.

It was obviously connected to one of the worker's phones and all of a sudden in the middle of the massage, she would open up Instagram and up would come the noise of a reel. Just breaking the dead beautiful calm of the silence. Yeah. Anyway. Do you know? So stupid.

What reels were they? It happened so many times. I was there for at least an hour and it would have happened six times in the hour. Then she goes, oh, sorry, sorry. You could hear it from the front desk. You reminded me the other day. I went and got one. The same thing kept happening, but it was a text.

You know how a text comes in when you're playing something and it goes start for a minute and it goes ding, ding. And the music stops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But someone was on fire. Like someone wanted their attention. It was like 25 texts. I was like, someone put your phone on silent.

That's so good. Aeroplane mode if you're using it for this. It's so funny. I had an MRI the other day and the lady went, do you want me to put the radio on? I'm like, please no. that's work for me. Don't switch me on. You know, I'll probably end up hearing myself. How do we get from massages to MRIs? Who knows? Listen, the phones are going insane. People clearly have issues at the massage

parlour. Hayley, has this happened to you? Hello? Hey, I was only complaining to my friends about this last week. I had the worst experience at a massage parlour. It all started with them making me pay up front, so I knew something was not going to go right then during the lady was that genuinely sick she was coughing could not stop coughing had to leave the parlor itself like she went out the front into the shopping center i could see her from out there and when she came back she proceeded to sniffle over the top of me for 10 to 15 minutes i was like this is influenza b i know it because i've had it and i literally moved my face to try and use the towel to cover

as a mom doing this massage. But the worst part is I had acupuncture needles already in me, so I couldn't even, like, get up and just stop the massage completely. I reckon it wasn't oil that she was using. I reckon it was phlegm. Ew. Laura, you know what? You don't even reckon that.

You just had that joke thought the whole time. She was waiting. Because guess what? That is so stupid. It's not stupid. Also, I thought it was normal. I always pay before I go in. I thought that was standard, like, massage procedure.

No, if you pay beforehand, they don't have to do a good job. Also, as if you don't do your HCF cover, I don't pay full price for a massage. Speaking of, Natalie's called. Hello. Natalie, what abuse did you face at the hand of a massage parlour? So we were having a couple's massage on our family holiday in Fiji and we're about three quarters of the way through and I was like, what is that annoying sound?

Of course, it was my husband snoring ridiculously loud. So I wake up, then to top it off, I look and through his face hole, he's drooling on the floor. That's not the massage parlour's fault. That's your husband's fault. Get a new husband. Exactly. They were great.

He was not. Oh, she's out of the game. She's just called to complain about her husband. Thank you, Natalie. See, it's a universal experience. What, that people have bad massages? I think it's such a game of roulette that you never know what you're going to get, so I don't like the risk.

Yeah, I'm with you. Also, nothing worse than when you're in a massage parlour trying to relax and the person next to you gossiping, talking about their injuries. Massage etiquette is a whole nother ballgame. Like, let's not get into that now. We just don't have the time. We've just been talking about this survey that came out around whether or not grandparents should be paid

for taking care of their grandkids. It's an interesting one because I think, as you said, Britt, just before the break, most grandparents, or pretty much all grandparents, they don't necessarily opt into being grandparents. They opted into being a parent, but they didn't necessarily opt into grandparent duty. And I'm sure that there are some grandparents

who lovingly, willingly would do it, give them the shirt off their back to be able to take care of their grandkids. And then I reckon that there's some grandparents who kind of get stuck doing a lot of their caregiver work because they're retired, they're at home. But the question is, is should they be paid for doing that? Yeah, it's very rich coming from you, Laura Byrne,

who has a live-in nanny, Maddie J, who we adore. His beautiful mother, Ellie, we've had on this show a bunch of times, Britt, right? She has been forced to move in to your bunker and raise your children 24-7. I haven't even seen my kids for weeks now. Ellie just does it all. That's not true.

I see my children. It's slightly true. No, but Ellie, she's, you know, she's my mother-in-law and she does so much for the kids. Every Thursday she takes our kids to swimming lessons while I'm at work and they have a great relationship. What else? Meals?

Does she cook meals? Does she shower them? She cooks meals. Puts them to bed? No, I do all the putting to bed and stuff. This is the end of the day. You've finished work. It's the last job to do.

Go to bed, night. But I've never asked Ellie whether or not, I mean, I know she does it because she loves it, but also maybe she'd like to make a bit of cash on the side. Well, we thought let's get her on. Ellie, the real mother of Laura and Maddie J's children, joins us now on the show. Hi, Ellie.

You're the world. Hi, Mitch. Ellie. Hi, Mum. She sounds exhausted. Ellie, do you genuinely, honestly feel this is a safe place here? Do you feel like you should be getting a little bit of payment? You know what?

I feel very strongly about this topic. Look, this might sound a bit odd, but if Laura or Matt actually offered to make a payment, I think I'd be offended. Really? I would, because, you know, family means being there for each other. I can truly say that I feel proud shaping. Oh, Ellie. No, I feel proud shaping the next generation of beautifully respectful and kind people. She doesn't trust Laura to do it. No, I mean, look, because we each have a part to play. You know, when you talk about being rewarded,

Laura doesn't know this. But this morning, Lola and Marley were saying how much they love me. and then they started to sign i love you too you know they sort of pointed to themselves i and they put a little heart and then you and two and how do you put a price on that you can that was just gloating to say how good she is of a grandmother that she's taught them asl she has but also i the reason why i love this as well so i grew up you guys wouldn't know this but I grew up living with my grandparents. And so the relationship that my kids get to have with you, Ellie,

is the relationship that I had with my nana and papa growing up. My nana and papa never wanted for anything and they took care of us every day. So, I mean, I'm not a grandparent yet, so I can't speak on behalf of all grandparents. I'm sure there's some that want to be paid. I think it comes down to the bottom line. Do you feel you're being taken advantage of?

I certainly don't. You know, the other thing that I gain and all grandparents gain from this, research has shown that when you are a grandparent looking after grandchildren, you live longer. Yeah, so really you should be paying us. I don't think, I don't know about that. Ellie, that was beautiful and heartfelt

and I genuinely feel that from the heart. How did I manage to get such a good mother-in-law? I won the mother-in-law jackpot, didn't I? She's the best. She's the best. one of the cutest things about having kids is how they sometimes muddle up their words like they'll say something which is not quite the right use of the word but it's like their own little language that they speak and so it's very cute they're learning they're learning they're

still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle of the world together but also i mean i'm sure you guys can think about it if you cast your minds back to when you were a kid maybe a long time ago for me not that long ago for mitch though yeah it was yesterday my frontal cortex just developed welcome to adulthood thank you so much no but there's like so many concepts or things that you know as a kid you think it's you know you think it might be for example here's one for me i used to think that planets were all an equidistance away from the earth i used to think yeah i used to think that they were like stuck on a plastic film equidistant an equal distance is that real equi yeah equidistance all right sorry welcome to the frontal lobe

continuing to develop. So I used to think that planets were of an equal distance from Earth. They were all different sizes. There was no such thing as perspective, but all the planets were just like closely, you know, spattered around Earth. It's not very exciting, but that's what I used to think. Anyway. Mine, you know, I used to think

that the word compulsory meant that you had a choice. So I'm not joking. So when all the teachers are like, math is compulsory, I'm like, amazing, I'll do double drama. And then when I had to do math, I'm like, you said this was compulsory. And they're like, it is. I'm like, well, then why am I here?

And, like, it wasn't until year 10. They're like, you're an idiot. When I say kid, I'm all meant, like, in primary school. I wasn't really meaning, like, a 16-year-old. But anyway, you know. Our employer's still like, Mitch, it's compulsory for you to come to work. He's like, okay, I'm off. I've got another one.

My parents once used to make a joke that my sister used to love little cars. She used to play with toy cars. And my parents were like, oh, she's got a little car fetish. So I thought, as a joke, like parents do in the house. But then I went to school and kept saying that I kept having, everyone's like, oh, you want to go to the canteen and get a sausage roll? I'm like, I've got a fetish for sausage rolls. Oh, so you just used the word all the time.

Yes, I thought that fetish just meant really liked. Just that you really like it. Okay, well, look, my daughter Lola, she's three years old, so she can be forgiven for this. But she muddled up a word which I thought was so, so sweet but also very hilarious. So her sister has a diary. She's five years old.

It's not a real diary, but it's just a fluffy thing that she draws in, you know, from time to time. Sure. And so Lola had taken her diary and she was writing in it. And Marley was getting really upset. And I was like, Lola, please stop writing your sister's diary. Give it back to her. And I said it a couple of times.

And anyway, eventually she clocked on and she heard what I said. And she looked at me with a face of utter disgust, utter disgust. And I was like, honey, please give that diary back to Marley. And she goes, yuck. And I was like, what? And she goes, I did not. And I was like, what do you mean you did not? She goes, I did not draw in her diarrhea.

So Lola was convinced that I thought she was drawing in her sister's diarrhea. And then very, very sweetly, Marley, who's five years old, tried to explain to her the differences between a diary and diarrhea. It's not really called diarrhea because she doesn't mean that I'm drawing in my diarrhea. She means that I'm drawing in my diary. because look there's a book called diary i mean diary like and that's where you draw some things in but it's not really called a diary so she doesn't mean did you have diarrhea what's diarrhea diarrhea is something that's like a little squishy too

You didn't drown that, did you? Lola, what did you think it was? Diarrhea. That's poo. You can hear at the end it finally clicked. She's embarrassed. Diarrhea. She was so embarrassed.

Yeah, she almost started to cry because we all laughed really hard. She was like, screw you guys. How confused would she have been? I think it's year two when I was a kid where they used to go, all right, time to pull out your diary, everyone. Poor Lola's going to get her hand under a chair. Do you know it's like the one word as an adult. I still can't spell diarrhea.

Neither. Oh, no, no. No one can. No one. I don't reckon anyone can spell diarrhea. I also struggle with champagne. Oh, producer Grace can. Of course she can.

You've got to say champagne in your head. You've got to say champagne to spell it out. Champagne and diarrhea. That's how I do chihuahua. Chihuahua. I'm not joking. If you're in Queensland, you'll be well across the poodemic. The poo-pandemic.

The poo-demic. The poo-demic. The country. This is fantastic. We think this is great here at the show. If you missed it, the Queensland Health Department this week is being praised, it's also being criticised, for tackling the taboo topic of pooing at work

by using a viral meme format. So they posted to the official Queensland Health Instagram and TikTok a photo of two dolphins jumping over each other with a rainbow in the background with this music. This music was playing. This is Zara Larsson. This is symphony, really. and it says it's okay to poo at work it is okay to poo at work everyone i you know what there's

many things that i'll throw my name behind many causes that i like to advocate for and this is one that i deeply care about for everyone who feels insecure or doesn't want to do it because they're scared or maybe you have poo paranoia it's a real thing is that the charity you supported when you're on dancing with the stars did you support pooing at work australia some people i understand that some people are frightened i get it can be a little bit confronting the first time But once you really lean in, it's great. Lean in on the toilet? Is that a tactic?

Lean into the toilet. Is that a Japanese? You know how on the Japanese toilets they go, do not sit or squat on the toilet? Yeah, at some places they'll have the sign on the back of the door that shows you how to correctly use a toilet. Yeah, don't stand on the toilet, which I was doing. So let me just tell you what the post says.

Queensland Health Department said, consistently ignoring your need to poo can lead to stool getting stuck in your colon, hemorrhoids and other serious issues. It's better to get it out than in. If you find it extremely difficult to poo around other people, you might have a condition called parkopresis, which is a poo paranoia. Isn't that crazy?

I want everyone to know this. If you just take 15 minutes out of your day, so like you know how some people go on a smoke-o-break? Are you being paid by Big Poo or something? To do the maths, everyone. It's really important. 15 minutes a day. Some people go downstairs, they have a little smoke.

They might do a seven-minute smoke in the morning, seven-minute smoke in the afternoon. Terrible for your health. If you do 15 minutes, that is sweet. I've got to do the maths. I did it wrong. Hold on. Why are you so invested in this?

Oh, you're doing the math about how much you'll save by pooing at work. Yes. Okay, great. That's 75 minutes a week. 75 minutes. So that's an hour and 15 minutes. Okay, let's base it off the average Australian salary, which is $75,000 Australian dollars.

Yes. That's the math. Oh, God, this is getting too complicated. No, it's not. 38 hours a week. I've done the math here. How many is it? That's $3.17 per session or $6.34 per day.

Guys, you could spend 60 hours, 60 hours of your year doing a poo at work and get paid for it. That's incredible. This is a genius act. $31 Australian dollars per week you could save by pooing at work. That's how much you'd make by pooing in the office. Just say you get paid $40 an hour. That's $2,392 for pooing at work. I think we have cracked the absolute code.

We sound like those washed up couples on Deno's Direct on Channel 7. Trying to sell a mop? You will also get a free set of steak knives. Hey, we'll also send you the dragon cream included with your poo at work if you want it for your under eye bags. I mean this though. I mean I think this is a very funny campaign. We can all laugh.

But some people are so scared to do this. Some people are like, no, I'll wait. I'll go before work. I'll go after work. Won't do it in a public place. I don't get it. Laura, I'm fine because we're on air, right? So we only have, if we really need to go during the show,

we have a couple of ads and some songs. So we maximum have five, six, seven minutes. So my body is trained to just squeeze one out and run back in. We are classy people, aren't we, Mitch? Can I say this? Say whatever you want. I don't care anymore. Laura did a poo at 2.50 this afternoon before the show.

She went, I'm going to run and do a poo. And then she took ages and came back and she said one of the girls from sales was doing her makeup in the sink so you were too afraid to let it pop. Yes, because there is an etiquette, everyone. We all know. Like which stall do you choose? How do you get the acoustics right?

Because as much as it might be something that I need to do, I don't need everybody else in the bathroom to experience it also. You don't have to worry. Everyone poos. It's what the Queensland Health Department said. Everyone poos. Do not worry. It's very normal.

Also, consistently ignoring your need to poo can lead to the stool getting stuck in your colon, hemorrhoids or other serious health conditions. So it's better to let it out than hold it in. This message was brought to you by the Queensland Government. No, no. Brought to you by Laura Byrne. listen we've all been at the table with our friends after a big old dinner party and thought god it'd be so nice to get this meal for free not pay the bill right that's the worst part about

going out laura paying the bill yes yeah i hate it i wish i had a little hack to get out of paying for a bill this is going viral on tiktok it's like 10 million views so this woman is seen on cctv footage having dinner um with two friends and she's sitting there um the food has been served They eat for about two minutes and then you see her pull a Tupperware out of her bag, right? She looks around, make sure no one's watching. She pulls this Tupperware out of her bag. She kind of shakes it up a little.

She pops the lid off and inside is a dead cockroach. That, no. She shakes the dead cockroach onto the meal. She BYO. She BYOC. She BYO. She BYO her own cocky cockroach and she pops it on the food. She then puts the Tupperware away, continues eating,

and then moments later feigns a gasp, puts the palm of her hand on her forehead, screams, shrieks, pretends to vomit and gag, calls over the waitress and said, look what I have found in my food and tries to get the meal for free. She did get the meal for free, mind you. But then how did they figure it out? Because they went and checked the footage. They went and checked the footage.

They rolled it back. This footage has now gone viral and the locals have actually given the woman the nickname Roach Lady. That's what they're calling her in local Mexico, Roach Lady. Imagine being that person. Imagine getting outed in like the media on TikTok nationally, internationally outed and becoming Roach Lady. Poor thing!

Her name's Samantha as well. It's such a stretch. It's a good idea. It also makes me wonder how often this would happen. Oh, I found a hair. Oh, I found a fingernail. It's a scam. I'm not endorsing it. I don't think we should try it, but I think it would work and it would happen more than what we realised. I love a good nickname origin story.

I don't think I've ever told you, but when I played competitive water polo, I was very high up in my ranks. Did you used to hold on to people's swimmers at their front as well? Because I used to be a water polo player as well and I used to play in mixed sports and I'd always grab their DPs at the front and the boys could never get away.

Yeah, that's what I used to do. No, they did get away from me though. I didn't have a very good grip. I had bad hand-eye coordination. You'd grab their junk, Laura? Well, no, just the swimmer part. So, yeah, I guess I was rubbing up against it, but it made them very uncomfortable.

Is that how you kept Matt in The Bachelorette? You just grabbed junk at the front but you're not getting away from me and kids. What was your nickname? Noodles. Oh, well, now that we're talking about junk. No noodles because before the grand championship when I was 15, I was swimming with a girl at the pool and she hit me over the head

with a pool noodle and it split my head open and I had to rush to emergency and get my face stitched up. That's how I got this scar on my face. That's from a pool noodle? Yeah, because you know how they cauterise the end of them so they don't fray, they don't, you know, break off? It was crispy and it sliced my head open. You wouldn't, okay, obviously being an audio medium,

you wouldn't know this. Mitch has like quite a significant scar next to his eye. My left eye, yeah. It's really quite embarrassing that that's from a pool noodle. What would you – you had a nickname too, right? I used to get called Turkey. Surprisingly, this nickname also came from water polo. So there you go.

I used to get called Turkey because this boy at school was so mean to me and I used to talk a lot as a kid. So it should be no surprise that I do this as a job now. But I used to talk a lot and every time I would go to say something, he'd go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go at me because he said I talk too fast. So then he called me Turkey and it stuck all through uni. You were called turkey at university, wasn't you? Called turkey from the time I was about 12 years old until I was 26.

You do kind of, once you get started, like you're like a chainsaw, you do kind of go. Oh, yeah. Go, go, go, go, go, go. How did I get a job here? Everyone's turkey. We're talking about nickname origin stories. Sounds delicious, sorry.

Yeah, you would like that, wouldn't you? I would. Okay, well, there's a woman in Mexico who's currently gotten the nickname Roach Lady because she tried to get away with scamming a restaurant out of paying for her bill by putting a cockroach in her meal. Very unfortunate. But it did open up this discussion around what are

some of the nicknames that you guys have had and where did the nickname come from? Yours was Turkey. I can't just call you Turkey without context. You're Turkey because you used to talk like a turkey. I talk too fast. Yeah, and I was hit in the face with a pool noodle, so I was noodles.

All right, well, look, here are some other ones that you guys have written in. So Natalie, Natalie has the lovely nickname of Shatterly because she once shat herself and never lived it down. All right, so Caroline said that when she was pregnant, her partner and all of his mates started calling her Penguin because she waddled. And now that's stuck, so now she's Penguin.

Kit Kat, I don't like that. We've got some calls coming in. Celine, is this your nickname, Celine? Do you look like Celine Dion or is this your real name, Celine? No, that's my real name. Okay, what's the nickname? The nickname is Sea Lion. Sea Lion?

Yes. What did you do? Well, no, it wasn't me. When I was in high school, I started grade eight and I've had a lot of weird pronunciations of my name over the years and one of the teachers called me sea lion or sea lion. So then that kind of stuck and then obviously a couple of the boys thought it was hilarious and it turned into sea lion

and it kind of just stuck throughout high school. But the other day, I never told my husband about it and the other day my husband actually called me sea lion and the look I gave him and, you know, wasn't very impressed because I finally got away from it but it's come back. You were triggered. You can never outrun a sea lion. You've always said that.

Thank you, sea lion. I get it because Celine, sea lion. Don't be mean to Celine. No, we'll never call you that here. I thought maybe because she had a beard or two big walrus teeth, but you don't, sea lion. You're beautiful. Tash, hello.

What's your nickname? Hi. My nickname is Chorzio. Chorzio. Chorzio. Tash to Chorzio. How did you get there? Yeah, because I was out getting some pizza with some friends

when I was younger and I said I wanted the Chorzio pizza and my friends were like, what do you mean Chorzio? It's Chorizo. That's funny. And then turns out my parents have been calling it Chorzio for my whole life so they just made me believe it's Chorzio. So your parents were illiterate and you were just a victim of a poor upbringing.

Yeah, and they still call it Chorzio to this day even though I've said it's not Chorzio, it's Chorizo. So now I get called Chorzio. Oh, Chorzio, that's funny. The word I can't say. And I'm going to not say it. It's when you, it's the board of meats when you go to a restaurant. Oh, yeah.

I know what you're talking about. What is it? Oh, well, you go first because I don't want to tell you. No, I can't do it. Give it a go. Sha... Yeah? Sha-cha-cha-cha-tutory?

No, that's... Sha-cutory. Sha-cha-cha-cha-tutory. Sha-cha-cha-cha-tutory. myself like i don't know it's a charcuterie yeah you nailed it charcuterie mark cheery my dad can't pronounce aioli so it's a shame because he's areola yeah it's like a nipple yes his favorite food at mackers is the chicken areola wrap and i'm like that doesn't exist it's a poor girl making minimum wage dad okay we can't make those jokes that also would be your dad's favorite

oh my god when britney's not here you go rogue turkey Thank you.