Life Uncut - The Best of the Pick Up - Monsters aren't real

Episode Date: January 28, 2024

It's our weekly round up! The best of the week from our National radio show THE PICKUP.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gavigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. It's Laura. It's Brittany.

And it's Mitchell. Because today is not our normal podcast day. Our episodes that drop on a Sunday is always the recap of the Pick Up radio show. And we're back. We are. It's the very first one of 2024. Yeah, I missed you guys so much. I spent a lot of time with you, Britt, traveling, but Laura, like, genuinely had a sadness in

my soul. On the show this week, you were talking about how solo travel wasn't really for you. Yeah. No, I do want to say I had a really fun time. I enjoyed it. But I think the overarching theme of solo travel, and I had a lot of lifers reach out, at the end of last year, giving me advice. I think I've learned that I want to travel with a partner.

I don't enjoy doing things alone. I get nothing from it. I speak about this on the show, but I think my learning is that I'm a people person and I want to have experience with someone else. But I think the thing is, right, like it's not that you're making the choice to travel alone because it's not like you're in a relationship

and you're like, you wait here, I'm going to travel. It's that you're not willing to put the rest of your life on hold whilst you meet someone. Do you know what I mean? You're still taking that high road being like, you know what? I don't want to sacrifice traveling just because I have no one to go with and I think that that deserves a lot of credit. To be fair, though, there's plenty of people who are in relationships

who are like, hey, I just really want to go traveling but don't come with me. That does happen as well. Yeah, I think that's – see, Britt and I have very different feelings about this, though, because I always think that that kind of signifies the beginning and the end. I agree. I don't like that. If you're going on a long-distance, long-term trip without your –

not just like a – I don't mean like a week holiday with the girls. I'm like, I want to go eat, pray, love, and find myself without my boyfriend. It's probably not really boding well for the boyfriend. Well, that happened to me at the end of my last relationship, and look where that ended. They were like, I want to go live in London. I'm like, oh, that is the beginning of the end, and it was. There you go.

There you go. There you go. Anyway, so I talk about my solo travels, but we had fun, Britt. Like, are you missing me at all? Say yes. I missed you the second you left, actually, because we were like chalk and cheese while we were over here. We actually shared a bed half the time when we were traveling

through the Scottish Highlands. It was like top and tails. Mitch was dropping bombs, like absolutely fawning. My sleep apnea machine was keeping Brit up throughout the night. You had a sleep apnea machine? The sleep apnea machine, though, I think that that could be more like white noise, like nice, soothing, white Darth Vader noise. What do you think, Brit?

It wasn't that loud. The technology in the apnea landscape has really improved. It's lucky I'm going pretty deaf. That was the only thing that got me through. But one thing I do talk about this week is, I guess, a feeling of ultimate betrayal by my best friend. Such a joke. Okay, no, you guys, we'll get into this very shortly.

Britt, she confronted Mitch about something on the show and look, you both come off sounding a bit insane, to be honest. As long as it's 50-50 and I love you at the end of the day, Britt. Well, I'm not loving you back at the moment. Maybe next week. God, the tensions are high. Maybe once I get over this. Yeah.

I found, unintentionally, a new way to traumatise my children. I have created a deep fear in my four-year-old, Marley May, and it was not my intention. Okay, so have you guys remembered the movie Monsters, Inc.? Oh, my God. Monsters, Inc. What do you mean remember? It's like a classic.

It was like a year ago. Like iconic. Here he is. Picture this, guys. Mike Kwasowski, little bit of Sully. So Marley, she's four and a half years old. She has just recently started to become like frightened of things. You know, she speaks about maybe she speaks about zombies every so often.

She speaks about monsters. Yeah. And like she's just become aware that there's scary things in the world. But the things that she's scared of are things that are not real, like monsters. Anyway, I had this great idea and I said to Matt, I was like, oh, my God, you know what we should show her? We should show her the Monsters, Inc. movie. Because if you remember the plot line to Monsters, Inc. movie, it's like the monsters are all really friendly. And at the very end, instead of the monsters scaring the little kids, they come out and their whole goal is to make the little kids laugh.

Because there's more energy from collecting laughs than there is from collecting screams. They're very cute monsters. They're very sweet monsters. right and even the bad guy like he goes away anyway i was like this is great i am a genius so i sit the kids down and we like have a lovely little sunday afternoon do a movie sesh have some little snacks and the kids are loving it they're sitting there they're watching it lola especially two years old oh she thought it was great totally anyway here i am thinking i've had like a very solid mom moment and i have cracked the code on how to just you know get a bit of fear out of my

children you know and so i put them to sleep that night and they share a room now the two of them so I put them to sleep. I tucked them in, little cuddle. Marley's like, no monsters. And I was like, yeah, no monsters, girlfriend. Anyway, I left and I walked downstairs. A couple of minutes pass and Marley starts screaming. And I'm like blood curdling screams.

And I was like, oh my God, what has happened? I run up the stairs. I like fling the door open. And she's there standing on her bed, pointing at the cupboard and screaming. And I was like, baby, what's going on? And she was like, I can't, mommy. I can't. the monsters are in the cupboard anyway i not only is my child now petrified of monsters it's to the

point where she won't sleep unless i sleep next to her so every night now i go in i open the cupboards i have to show her that there's no monsters hiding in there then i close the cupboards and then i have to lay down in bed and pat her so this truly backfired for me god i think they call that exposure therapy lauren i think two and four is slightly too young for it that's probably I think you're in the wrong there because it's an adult movie, I feel. I mean, clearly I'm in the wrong. I'm well aware, but maybe, Britt, I need to take your advice. Maybe I show her it again a few more times and she can become exposed to it

and then she'll stop worrying about it. I remember when I thought monsters existed and I thought something was under my bed all the time. It was like soul crushing and blood curdling. I remember needing to go to the toilet and I was like, I'm going to have to wet the bed because I can't risk getting out of bed and the monster gets me. Can't even put my foot down over the side of the bed for fear of something coming out

from underneath and grabbing my foot and pulling me under. Yeah, but the thing is, everyone had a movie that traumatized them as a kid. And like, we're all fine. I had one. You would have had one too, Laura, right? Oh no, I still wet the bed. I'm not fine. We're still scared.

That's my old mate in 30 years. No, but no one tells you, okay, this is the thing. As a parent, no one gives you the rule book or tells you how to do things better than what you're trying to do it, right? Like everyone's just kind of doing their best and I genuinely thought that this was a good idea. And when I sat down with Matt later that night and I was like, I think that that really wasn't, it just wasn't the plan.

The right idea. Yeah, Matt sort of looked at me with this glazed look and he's like, yeah, I knew that this is what was going to happen. I love that he let it happen though. He's like, I'm going to let this one ride out. I think I'm a bit stubborn. So when I get an idea, I like to execute the plan. Now, Brit, Laura and the nation, I need to address you all

because it's the topic on everyone's lips. Mitch, how was your solo Euro travel? Oh, I'm so glad we're getting to the bottom of that because I did think when I woke up this morning, there is one question that everybody's asking. How was Mitch's solo trip? Well, I do genuinely want to know because I sort of sent you on your way. We spent the most beautiful week of my life together overseas, Mitch,

and then I let you spread your wings like a peacock and off you flew into the world. So I do want to know how it went. Okay, so if anyone's planning a summer trip in Europe because it's coming out of the winter months and going into summer, this is good advice for you because I'm 28, I'm single, I'm gay

and I'm like, I'm going to go and have the time of my life in Europe. And Laura, you said this to me. Britt, you said it to me. Every one of my friends said to me, you're going to come back a different person. I'm being honest. I do not feel different at all.

And I don't know if I'm broken. I don't know if I solo traveled the wrong way. You are not broken, Mitch. No, it's weird because when you go into something with such high expectations of change is imminent, You expect it. Like, I'm not joking. There was one point where I was on a bike.

I had a baguette in a basket on the front of a bike. I was riding through the streets of Paris. I had just eaten a pain au chocolat. And you're like, it's going to hit me now. I was looking at the Eiffel Tower. It was 6.30 at night. It just went flickering as it does. And I kind of looked at it and I went, this is it.

The change is going to happen. And I kept looking. And I kind of clenched. I gripped. Like it's going to hit you? I gripped the e-bike. and then a truck honked me and I had to move off the side of the road because I veered into the middle and I didn't change at all.

Do you know what, Mitch, though? I kind of feel a little bit responsible for this because I do think that, like anything in life, when people set you up for such high hopes and high expectations, you kind of only can be disappointed. You go into it thinking, oh, this is going to be the thing that fixes everything or this is going to be the life-changing moment, the catalyst for something new and different.

Yeah. And at the end of the day, like, it's okay that it's just a holiday. You know, like I think maybe all the people around you, me and Brit included, made you feel like this was going to be something that it just wasn't. See, I disagree. You say you don't think, you say you haven't changed, but you don't think you've changed. You might not know it, but you 100% have because before this, you didn't think you could be on your own and you didn't think you were going to be able to do it. You were worried about how you were going to navigate all these cities by yourself and now you've done it. So whether you know something has changed within you or not, it definitely has.

and I mean you don't give yourself enough credit it took me three years of traveling before I was like oh I found myself I get it now you were three weeks so you can't expect to just go to Paris and you're like oh my god I'm eat pray love here I am I know I think I think that's what I was expecting but I was actually sad like I was messaging Laura going want to FaceTime I was talking to Brit I just left Britain I'm like do you want to FaceTime all my friends back in Sydney I would I think of what I learned about myself and you know what that's true this is a learning that I had and I wouldn't have had this unless I had done it is that I like to travel and do things with other people I mean I'm a radio presenter for god's sake like I like to talk

you're an entertainer yeah I like to have people so I guess that's a learning but also Mitch I and I mean this is a lesson because I think in terms of you yourself like over the past year from the Mitch Turi that we met when we very first started the pickup to where you are now like the confidence you have in yourself the assurance you have in yourself like you are a completely different person and a year ago Mitch Turi never would have solo traveled And the fact that you've even done it, the fact that you even put yourself out of your comfort zone, discovered something that you maybe don't like and don't want to do again,

that's fine. Mitch was walking up to people, to strangers, and hitting on them. Mitch, you are a different person. You never would have done that. I did that in Glasgow. And I actually don't know if he wanted a second date because the accent was so thick. You're like, I don't understand. Yeah, you don't understand him, but he still did it.

I just ran off. I didn't know what it was. Do you know what? There's nothing more wanky than when someone comes back from three weeks of travelling abroad and they go, the experience changed my life. So I'm just glad that you're the same person. Oh, my God, it's the absolute worst.

It's the pits. Yeah. Or they go, oh, are you eating a pain au chocolat? Sorry, chocolate croissant. I've been in Paris, so I use the French language. Okay, so Ask Uncut is something that we do on Life Uncut podcast every week. It's where you guys call in with your biggest, darkest, deepest,

your biggest problems. and we do our absolute best to answer them. We have Hayley on the phone today and she thinks her boyfriend might be proposing, but there's one issue. Hayley, welcome to The Pickup. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Hey, Hayles. I have been with my partner for about three years now and I think he is on the way to proposing, so I'm really excited about that. Well, is there like a congratulations? Are you excited? Is this a good thing? Well, I'm excited and it is a great thing.

I'm really excited. My biggest problem, though, is that no matter how much I love him, I can't deny he's got some questionable taste and I think he's going to get the wrong ring. Oh, the wrong ring. Wait. Just something I don't like. Haven't you sort of been, you know, how you drip feed and you breadcrumb?

Haven't you been, like, leaving ring pictures around or, like, you know, brochures around? I absolutely do. But for my first birthday after we got together, he knew I only wore silver, but he bought me a gold necklace and was like, I want to see you in gold more often. Oh, no. Did you turn around and say, how dare you try and change me? No, because it's the thought that counts.

But when it's your engagement ring, it's a whole different thing. No, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hayley, that's the problem, though. When you say it's the thought that counts, a thoughtful present would be getting something that you like, Like not getting something you don't like because he's trying to change you. That's a problem is what that is. Look, do you know what?

I had a similar situation when my husband, Matt, designed my wedding ring, which now I love and it's yellow gold. But originally he had had the whole thing designed in white gold because he thought that I liked wearing silver. And luckily my sister was the one who stepped up to the plate and put him on the right track. So I think you need to find someone in your life who you trust, who you can give all the information to and they can just be your messenger

and go and give that information. No, or just communicate. Like maybe it's a gay thing. No, Meech, don't communicate. Gay couples speak to each other. And like if I want my partner to get me, yeah, my dream ring, I'm going to tell them because, yes, a proposal should be a surprise, but also like not like that big of a surprise, like an 80% surprise.

You know, you want to know it's coming and you want to know what you're getting. Like you asked for Christmas presents, right? It's not a surprise on Christmas Day, Hayley. Talk to them. You have to nip it in the bud early before it happens because once he gives you that ring, you can't then say I don't like it and I want to change it.

Like when that is given to you, that's you done. You are just going to have to bite the bullet and love it. So it's now or never, Hayley. Britt, have you and your beautiful partner Ben discussed rings for like an engagement? If by discussion you mean probably a spreadsheet of four to five rings daily that I add to, yeah. Yeah, we're in a joint spreadsheet.

Such natural chemistry and love between the two of you. Communication lines are wide open there. That's actually not the right – an Excel spreadsheet is not the communication I was talking about. My backup plan was doing a Kim Kardashian and losing it in the ocean. So, I mean, there's that option. There is always.

Just don't get it. Well, no, get it insured and then you can get something you really like. All right, Hayley. Hope that helps. Thank you so much. And keep us updated. Send us pics of the ring, okay?

And go to tonymay.com.au to buy a ring. Oh, stop it. Mitch, you're one of my best friends. Laura, obviously, you're another one. But Laura has never betrayed me in the way that Mitch Turi has recently betrayed me, in a way no one should ever betray a friend. So it's no secret that I have a low-key, high-key obsession

with the one and only Lewis Capaldi. Now, if you don't know Lewis Capaldi, he sings this banger. Is he Scottish? Scottish-Irish superstar? There he is. Britt, you have more than an obsession with this guy. For the amount of time that we've been working together, you have brought him up an awkward amount of times. It's no secret. I think he's brilliant. I think he's funny. I want him to sing at my wedding.

My partner, Ben, who lives in Scotland, who lives down the road from Lewis, Capaldi, asked Lewis one night when Lewis was drunk if he would sing at our wedding and Lewis said yes. Minor technicality, Lewis was too drunk to remember. Now, recently, Mitch and I were on holiday together and we were having a little sit down chinwag and we had said to each other, who is the one person you want to interview this year like if you could pick anyone Mitch said Tina Fey I said Lewis Capaldi you did flash forward I know where this Mitch runs in so like I live down the road from Lewis when I'm overseas in Scotland Mitch runs in to Lewis Capaldi has the audacity to message me as it's happening saying I'm with Lewis and I said

He obviously mentioned me, asked him to sing at my wedding, do me a solid, and he basically didn't and hung up on me. Give me the right of reply. Britt and I weren't travelling together anymore, okay? As far as I saw it, friendship over for the travel trip. I was travelling solo alone in London. I was at the high end. Forget about her.

Kick her to the curb. I was at the designer stores. I can't afford any of it, but I'm just looking, like, browsing because I'm killing time. It's minus five degrees in London, so I'm shopping, and I bump into this little pudgy character. I go, oh, sorry, mate. And he goes, no, it is.

And I go, I know that accent. Don't call Lewis Capaldi a pudgy character. One day he's going to come on this show and then we're going to have to be like, oh, I remember that time that Mitch offended you. That's the thing. I've interviewed him four times and I said, oh, sorry, buddy. He went, oh, no, it is. And then I went, oh, that's Lewis Capaldi.

Walked off. So I'm going to message my best friend, Britt, and go, Britt, just bumped into your dream man, Lewis Capaldi. And off I went. What then followed? I've actually, Britt, I knew this was going to happen. I have printed out the transcript of the text exchange. Laura Byrne, can you take this script?

for the purpose of my defense that is private i think that happens between the two of you or the three of us is private it always ends up on this show play the role of britney hockley laura burn so just you know push your nose up a bit and be mean um and i will demoted from my best friend i mean at this moment britney i have your back and i will be your best friend in this okay i'm ready to be brit i've been waiting my whole life for this role okay so i pull my phone out and i go oh my god oh my god brit i just ran into someone you love lewis capaldi i like that i of like that pun. I get it. Okay. Britt says, stop it. Are you serious? I say, yeah, we basically had a coffee. And then Mitch sends multiple pictures. I sent a photo of Louis. The first one, Britt,

I think was of his foot, right? I was nervous. It was like from his legs down, but I still recognize them. Wait, so Britt, were you up to signs of life at this point? Were you like, I need proof. I need proof that this is actually the real Louis Capaldi. Proof, proof, proof. Okay. Britt then goes on to say, ha ha ha. You wish. Okay, Mitch, you have to do me a solid. Please talk to him. And this is all in capitals, so she's screaming at you at this point. I say no. Mitch!

I say no again. I FaceTime you. You don't pick up. I don't pick up. I FaceTime you again. Then I write, pick up the phone now in screaming. FaceTime again. And then I FaceTime again.

Fourth time. Then I write, Mitch, he needs to sing at my wedding. And I said, you're not even engaged. What wedding? This is still in caps, my new minor technicality. Tell him you work in radio with Kyle Sanderlands. I think they know each other. As if, can I just pause down?

As if in the middle of a designer store in London, me dropping Kyle Sanderlands would work. You name dropping would be the most embarrassing thing that's happened to all of us. Okay, Britt, you continue. Sorry, I thought you'd stop there, but you hadn't. You wrote, all that you've been saying with Ben. He is a massive Celtics fan.

Ben is also Britt's boyfriend, if you don't know. If you were my real best friend, Mitch, you would do this. I said I love you, but you are insane. And then you wrote, you never take me seriously. And I said, bye, with the eye emoji. I'm leaving the store. Don't you dare is all you wrote back. No, she actually said, don't you day, Mitch.

It's true. Sorry, I was leaving out the spelling error. Don't you day. And then she wrote dare. That's the truth. And then another screaming Mitch at the end. I've heard enough. Britt, I want to be the impartial person here

because obviously I was not a part of this conversation, but I do feel like I was a part of it now after seeing the evidence and you sound like a psychopath. Thank you. But I love you. Cute psychopath. I'm not talking anymore. This threesome is over.

I'm going packing up my bags and going to see Lewis Capaldi. I love you, Brie. I love you. So I found out yesterday that I threw something in the bin that was very, very important. Now the sad part of this story is that it went in the bin weeks ago and there's no way that I'm going to get it back. Oh, that's such a bad feeling.

What was it? Something very sentimental, something that means a lot to me and something that when I found out it was gone, I was furious at my husband and furious at myself. Wait, did Matty J throw it out or did you throw it out? No, I threw it out, but he has something to do with it. Okay, so my husband, Matt, he, I mean, you may or may not be familiar, but he does a lot of work across social media.

He does a lot of funny skits. He does a lot of funny videos. He sometimes dresses up when he does these funny videos as different characters. And so essentially he's a grown man that has a costume box in our house. Like we've got wigs, we've got props. Now the problem with Matt is that he leaves, like he'll do a skit and then he'll leave the prop just like out of the box floating around the house we still have

a spanking whip which he used for a valentine's day skit video two years ago just floating around the house can i pop over this afternoon you can absolutely you can have it you can have it okay so recently he was doing this skit and it required a a clipboard and had some paper he was obviously writing something down and i said to him because he left all of the stuff everywhere after he'd finished it and i was like if you don't put that in the box where it belongs i'm gonna chuck it in the bin because it was a cheap $2 clipboard that he's never going to use again. And we have about a hundred of them because every time he does a new skit, he buys a new clipboard. So a week went past. I mentioned it to him again, nothing happened. Two weeks went past, mentioned it to him again,

nothing happened. And so eventually I came home this one day and there the stupid clipboard was sitting on the kitchen bench and I picked it up and I walked out to the bin and I threw it in. And I thought there, that's going to prove to him that he shouldn't leave his shit lying around the house great so yesterday he comes home and he says hey babe that clipboard that had the had the paper on it um where'd you put it and I said well like I told you I put it in the bin and the color literally drained from his face and I was like please don't tell me please please stop and he goes um did you the paper that was attached to it did you did you put that in the bin as well and I said yeah I put the whole thing in the bin the paper that you'd scribbled all over yeah yeah

So turns out what he'd been using to scribble on was the envelope to our wedding certificate. And what was inside that envelope was the wedding certificate. The one from the day that we signed, that Brit, that you signed as my witness, that our friend from England who flew over who was our official beautiful wedding certificate that people keep for the length of their marriage is somewhere in the tip and we're never going to get it back.

Oh, my God. Okay, you threw it out. Why was he scribbling on your wedding certificate? He was scribbling on the envelope and he obviously in his like moment of just trying to do this skit, he just picked up some paperwork with the intention of putting it back. Don't get me started. It was a very silly idea.

But also I could, I mean, I'm not taking blame for this. I could have checked, but like, no, this is all his fault. But why was it just sitting on the dining room table like a napkin, you psychopath? No, because we moved recently. We recently moved. Six months ago. Had kids everywhere.

And the wedding was a year ago. Don't blame me. This is Matthew Johnson's fault. I will not take responsibility. Sam has called. Hi, Sam. Did you do something like this? Yeah, similar.

So over Christmas, my now very heavily pregnant wife got a massage voucher as a gift. Yeah. And it was left in the envelope with everything else on the bench and a sea of envelopes. envelopes and in a spate of cleaning all the envelopes may have gone in the bin and she now can't get the massage she desperately wants oh pregnant woman hang on he can rub it down himself okay laura i love her no that doesn't even remotely can i just say even close we have so many calls coming through throughout a piece of paper throughout there's nothing compared nothing to the sanctuary sanctuary sanctum sanctimonium no one knows what you're saying

the love of marriage the sanctum of marriage and you know what some people say that a wedding is not worth the paper it's written on but I reckon

our wedding and our marriage is going to last a lot longer than the certificate did oh that's so funny alright let's go let's get out of here

see you guys bye