Life Uncut - The best of THE PICKUP - 23rd July

Episode Date: July 22, 2023

It's our weekly round up! The best of the week from our National radio show THE PICKUP.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hello and welcome to the Life Uncut podcast. I'm Laura. I'm Mitch. And I'm Brittany. Everyone is very confused. Well, this is our radio show,

is where we package up the best bits of the pick-up and bring them right here so that you don't have to listen to the whole show live. We had a pretty eclectic week this week, didn't we? We have a lot of fun. You know what? We just pay each other out the whole time. And then call it radio.

Yeah. We're the three best friends that anybody ever had. All right, well, on this week's episode, on this week's show, I talked about a very embarrassing, not very embarrassing, just like a really awkward small talk moment. I think there's always moments in life, like getting a pap smear where you've got to make small talk or like, I don't know, give me another one.

Small talk can go either way, but I find it awkward small talk when it's like, maybe not the situation, but, you know, when you're walking down the street and you're like, hey, how are you? And you're like, good, how are you? They're like, good. And you? And you're like, damn it.

You know, that awkward circle. Do you stop or do you keep walking? You just do the hi. You go, hi. If someone says, how are you? That's why. If you're crossing someone in the street, you just say hi. You don't go, how are you?

There's no time for reply. No, I do. No, I go, quick, quick, quick. Yeah. I blink five times and go, quick, quick, quick. She just reminded me. I'm just going to go rogue and tell you a story here. I just thought of this right now.

Probably like a week, I don't know, a week ago, I just got Delilah back and I was walking up the road, like a really busy road, and I saw someone I knew on the other side of the road, but I don't know them well. I just know them from the dog park. They were sitting down at a table and they had their dog. And we sort of waved across and I stopped awkwardly to wave to each other and they just sort of looked for too long.

So I sort of pointed across the road and I was like, I'll come over. Like, I'll come say hi. And they're like, oh, okay. And then so we're looking at each other across the road and I was waiting on the side of the road and the traffic was so busy. I sat there for like 12 minutes. I couldn't get across the road. The moment's gone.

And then we kept like awkwardly looking at each other. They wanted to get on with their date and I just ended up going, oh, I'll see you later. And I just walked home alone. All right. Well, I mean, that is pretty awkward. But I think I have topped it. I think I have found the most awkward moment to have small talk.

I did it on the weekend. and it was fucking horrible. Okay. Well, I have, like I've said, I'm in my health and wellness era, my goop, I'm in my Gwyneth era. What was your hot girl song you were playing just before? Oh, can I play it? Will you guys get copywritten stricken?

Probably. Five seconds is enough. Copy stricken? Is that all you've got? I don't know, somewhere around there. All right, this is my- You only ever just play a little tiny- It's a G podcast too.

If you know, of course, I know. I'm just adding some drama. I know you're not going to get copywritten stricken. You're the biggest show in the world. Which is probably even more reason to get copywritten stricken. This is my hot girl song. I'm like, this is, picture me, Mitch Turi, gorgeous body, walking in active wear, head to toe Lululemon,

and this is what I'm playing on my AirPods. Yes! I don't care. I'm in my pretty girl era. You know that song? Britt, you would love this. This is so you. Why is this me?

Just wait. Ready? This is Britt. Wait for it. We've played five seconds now. That's fine. Don't worry. We'll get this through.

I'm in my pretty girl era. Yeah, this is my theme song. Can I say, there are so many lifers in my DMs like, hey, have you got cock yet? They're all so into it. They're very invested, especially in a breakup. Have you? Because you've not told me that exactly yet.

I haven't. And I haven't got arse yet. I've done nothing. That's a shame. I know. I'm sure. You're getting hit on left, right and centre. You could have it any night you wanted.

Yeah, the DMs are nice. So I'm enjoying the DMs. But I haven't got any orifice or pole yet. That'll get copywritten. Stricken! Thank you for the details. And when you do get orifice or pole, I hope that we are the first people to hear about it. You'll be the first to know.

I have joined a gym. Anyway, something awkward happened with me and my personal trainer. And it was when you say a lie or you kind of say something that's not true, but then it goes that awkward period of time that you can't then change it. Like I've told him something factually incorrect about me. Yeah, and then you just stick to it forever. Oh, yeah. You have to die on that hill. Totally.

And it's now gotten to the point where I can't go back and change what I've told him, but he believes this to be truth. Oh, it's so bad. I think you just get a new PT trainer. Yeah, I think so, yeah, or move countries. Well, I have big news about the brand-new series of The Bachelor in America. It is the most progressive, wildest casting that they have ever had and I reckon it's going to be the best season yet.

And it is a white man. Anyway, there's so much more on the show. We hope you guys love it. I discovered over the weekend that I am old. Oh, just now you've discovered that? No, no, you're not. Stop. Look, try and make it a little bit more convincing, Mitch.

I discovered I'm old and I made this discovery and it's something that you also maybe will make the same discovery. I was in the middle of reading an article and it said that if you hold your phone and scroll through apps using your index finger, not your thumb, you're old. Let me have a look. And as I looked down at my phone, I was there scrolling. Well, firstly.

With my index finger. You're not old. You're middle-aged. I think I'm heading into the older territory. How old do you actually label it? Oh, I'm 37, guys, but I'm old at heart. Did you get a heart check? Are you okay?

Have you got carotid arteries? I've got clogged arteries. I have a really bad cholesterol. You've got to quit those cities. I scroll with my thumb. I'm a thumb scroller. Yes, everyone scrolls with their thumb. It's not Moses etching into the Ten Commandments.

No, I hold it with my left hand and I scroll with my index finger. Show us now. I hold it like this and I flick it up and then I scroll with one finger. Do you know why? Do you know why? and this is not a dig at you, this is someone that knows you like the back of my hand, it's because you only do one thing at a time.

You can't concentrate. So you've got two hands to use it. But most people are doing things simultaneously so they're scrolling with their thumb. I love that you think this, but according to this article, it's just because I'm pretty much a boomer. But there was something else that happened to me. It all kind of came to a head on the one weekend.

So we went out for a staff dinner for Tony May. I have a couple of employees who are in their early 20s and they're all on Hinge and they're on Bumble and they're on Tinder. Good on them. And they're doing the dating apps. And it's been a while since I've been on the dating apps, but I really, really enjoy when I can get someone else's

and kind of just, you know, send a few messages. Have a play, yeah. Which is weird. Weird that the 37-year-old boss was sending messages to the 21-year-old employee's Hinge matches. There's probably some sort of... So morally probably not great, but yeah. Probably some sort of HR thing that I'm going to have to report to.

I'll give you a Christmas bonus. Give me your Tinder. No, so there was this boy on Hinge and I was replying for my staff, Julia. A boy? Yeah, I was... Well, he's 21. I was writing back for her. She wanted to meet up with him and I sent a little message.

What, one letter at a time? Did it take you an hour to type hello, how are you with an index finger? I sent a message and I showed it to her and she looked at me and she goes, what the hell is wrong with you? She's like, how many emojis and capital letters are you going to use in the one paragraph? I sent like a crying, laughing face and then a couple of exclamation marks and like, you know, obviously I wrote a sentence,

that I expressed my emotions through the emojis, which is what they're there for. Apparently old people do that. I love an emoji. I emoji-leferance. I only communicate with my partner, Ben, with emojis. We don't actually talk. Well, this might actually mean that you're a boomer now

and if you use the crying laughing face too often, you're certainly an old person. Can I just say something on behalf of the Gen Z of the show? You're not Gen Z. Yes, I am. Whoa, he's angry about that. Yes, I am. Okay, let's give it to him.

I'm born 95. I'm bi-genderal. I can be Gen Z or I can be millennial. You're bi-generational. And I identify as Gen Z. Now, let me tell you, this is how you know you're old. I haven't used an emoji since they first came out. I tested them day one.

I'm going to call bullshit. Yeah, because I'm trying to. I speak your language. When I go to a nursing home. I'm going to pull up our text messages on air. Okay, no, that was me that sent that. Me that sent that. Thank you.

A lot of emojis coming through. There's none on me and there's none on Mitch. I don't use emojis. Point one, that's how you know you're old. Point two, Gen Zs, Gen Zedders, us, do not capitalise letters. I've gone so far as to turn it off in my settings, auto-capitalisation. Everything's lowercase. Why would somebody intentionally go out of their way to use bad grammar?

I don't understand. It's not bad grammar. It's the way we have a normal conversation. If I capitalised the start of every word while we spoke, dumb. You don't. Go on. What? Go on.

Three months ago, shock face. I didn't send that. You only capitalise the first letter of the sentence, not every word. Or if it's a country like Australia. Why are Gen Z not doing this? Because it's a conversation. We don't care. You guys care too much.

Gen Zs don't care about how they're perceived. Yeah, we care about education, Mitch. It's important. I'm educated. Thank you. And also I'll say I use that emoji because I knew who my audience was. Like when you talk to an old person, you go, how was your day? I don't get, and I will never, I am never going to dumb myself down.

These little kidlets that are running around thinking it's not cool to punctuate and use capital letters, I'm sorry. You go for a job and write a CV and don't use grammar and see how that far that gets you. I can't even speak. See how far that gets you. Cry emoji. Cry, cry, shock.

What I am getting from this is that, Brit, you are also old. yes thank you in the lower case as you know i've been uh lifting that iron at the gym you're in your hot boy era i'm in my hot boy era you're in your fitness era health era you are unstoppable 10 kilos down i'm going to the gym twice a week i got myself a personal trainer who the hell am i i know do you know what somebody who's committed to the cause 11 kilos don't you rub yourself thank you i've got that one that was the poo that i did this morning yeah that's just stop it doesn't count i am my personal trainer is a lovely guy named lee to be honest i thought it was a woman at first when i turned up i'm like where where is she and it was a man named lee i'm like oh because

just because of the name yeah i was expecting a woman but it was a man so lee is my personal trainer and the most horrific thing has happened and i need to to sort of brainstorm some ideas of how i can get out of this mess that i've entered what happened so you know a personal trainer sits there with you and they count your reps while you're doing we were doing a lap pull down so the bar above your head you pull it down yeah we got it you don't have to talk about it You're doing an exercise. We're doing an exercise and he's standing there and he's counting one to ten.

And he's sort of going, why are you here? Talk to me about why you want to be at the gym. Because this is what you do when you get a new hairdresser, get a new PT, you give them all your life info. Totally. You want to know. What are your goals? Yeah, and gyms vary.

It's always incited by something, you know. And for me it was the breakup that I went through a couple months ago with my long-term partner. I've spoken about it at length on the show. And he goes to me, oh, you've been through a breakup. I went, yeah, four. So I pulled the chin down. Talking about the breakup, he went, six.

and we're getting to 10 reps, I'm exhausted. I'm not really focusing. I'm thinking about getting to 10 reps so I can take a breath and relax. Concentrating. Nine, and I'm pulling. And he goes, so with the breakup, did you break up with your missus or did she break up with you? And I went, 10, drop the weights.

And I went, oh, I broke up with her. It was me who broke up with her. And I'm gay. My partner was a man. Why did you? So now he thinks that you were in a heterosexual relationship when you broke up. With a woman.

How long ago did this happen? Two weeks ago. This is my third week of training. I've got a session tomorrow. And at no point you've cleared it up. At no point have you said, I'm gay. Hey, yeah, after we do the sit-down roller, remember how I told you I had a girlfriend?

Yeah, I actually have a boyfriend. So now... How do I bring it up? Okay, so it's been two weeks. I'm only assuming there's been more conversation about it. Have you just been rolling with the, yeah, she did this, she did that? It's gone too deep. I'm like, yeah, it was her ovaries that really got me in the end.

Stop it. She was real grumpy once a month. I don't know what to say. Okay, so has it come up again and you've continued with the lie? He hasn't brought up a her, but any time we talk about my ex, I just say. It's implied it was a woman. Oh, yes.

Heavily implied. Mitch, jury. It's a woman, it's a her. Do you want to call him and air this out on air? No, because the relationship's really good and the PT's great. We have a great session, probably because he thinks I'm one of the bros. Do you? Okay, but surely he's not going to treat you any different

if he finds out that your ex was actually a boy. No, no, of course. But it's one of those things that's gone on so far that I actually think it's probably safer and easier. To now not be gay anymore. I just commit to the cause and go all the way. Well, I don't have Tinder yet, so maybe I can download and just switch to women and we'll try.

Hold on, people are calling through. I think they're trying to make me feel better. Melinda, hi. Did you get caught in a lie? Hi, Mitch. Thank you for having me on. Yes, I have. Well, it's still kind of going a little bit,

but I go down to my local cafe shop and I ordered a coffee about 12 months ago and I ordered it on oat milk, but the guy serving was really cute and he gave it to me on full cream milk. And the thing is, I'm lactose intolerant. No. Yeah, so it's like, it's a mess, honestly. Like, and I just can't help it. I get mesmerised and I just go with it.

And he's like, so regular. And I'm like, yes. So I get caught in a lie every day. Then you go to work and just shit yourself. She's like anaphylactic. She'll die. But she's like, yes, yes, that's me. Surely in this instance you can just say, hey, I've changed my milk

and then get him to update it. People change their milk all the time. I get Melinda. It's awkward. The way, like, you know, he's sitting there frothing and stuff. I'm frothing. He's frothing. Also, I don't know.

That helps for Melinda, but not me. Hey, Leigh, I've changed my sexuality. Sometimes people realise they're gay and they do change it. All right. How long did you continue the lie for? These calls are great. Hi, Ella. Ella, how long did you continue the lie for?

Hey, guys. I have a deeply uncomfortable scenario. I have a family that I regularly bump into at the shops who have mistaken me for their children's swimming coach of a very long time ago. I'm talking like over 10 years. And every time I see them, they ask me more questions about the sister I do not have and my love life,

which is just, I just have to make stuff up all the time. It's so bad. Because you've just gone too deep. You can't, after years, be like, hey, spoiler, it's not actually me. Why did you play along with it in the first place? I think I was too flustered. I just had to. Also such a niche person, the swimming coach from 10 years ago.

I've never coached swimming in my life. Can you swim? I can swim okay, but I wouldn't be teaching kids. Close enough. That's so good. Do you know, this has reminded me, when I worked at a hospital a while ago, I had a lady that called me Bridget. She called me the wrong name and I just let it go at the start

and then it got too deep and I couldn't correct her because she came in so confidently, Bridget, great to see you. Two years I let her call me Bridget. I had to quit. I couldn't just go and tell her. I had to quit. We'd be walking down the corridor and she'd be like, Bridget, what up? And all my friends would be like, who's she talking to?

And I was like, it's a long story, don't ask. I don't have time to explain. But if she comes close, I'm Bridget. All right, so I'm just going to be straight from now on at the gym. Is that where we're going to land? I think that's the best, yeah, it's the best outcome. You need a new trainer. You're that or you're straight.

To be honest, I really did think the head-to-toe Lululemon and quiffed hair before every training session was a dead giveaway. And the fact that you're on Grindr whenever you finish a set. Not true. You know I am so excited for our next guest because you know how much of a Real Housewives fan that I am. Real Housewives of Melbourne is my favourite franchise. It's your goal to be a Real Housewife.

Oh, yeah, I'm working real hard to be real and a housewife. Gina Liano, if you know Housewives, You know, she's the creme de la creme of reality contestants. I mean, this is some of her best work. I deal in fact, not friction. I have no interest in trying to reason, rationalise, or have a conversation with someone who then later recalls their demented, meshed version of what you said when I'm sober.

Put the alcohol down and get some clarity back. Jenna, darling, as much as I love you, I can't be bothered with you anymore. She's so good. Gina, welcome to the show. Hi, Gina. Hi. Thanks for having me.

Oh, welcome to the show. Well, you recently said that your time on Real Housewives, that it was... Well, soul destroying. Soul destroying. Yeah. Like, what happened? Why was it so terrible? Look, I think it was just, it was game on and it was game on from the start to the finish.

And you just would not know what was going to happen. As soon as those cameras rolled, the person you were talking to five minutes before had morphed into something else. So it was quite stressful. It was really only from that perspective, but I did love it. I enjoyed it immensely, I must say. How did you feel watching it all back? I hate watching myself.

So do we. I think everyone feels like that. I hate watching myself or hearing myself. I'm like, ooh, there's a cringe factor. So I'm my own worst critic, I think, and I don't think anyone can say anything worse than what I'm thinking about myself. So I'll tweet everybody to it every time.

Well, listen, people who've been missing Gina like I have from Real Housewives can get her in her brand-new iHeartRadio exclusive podcast. It is Judge Gina. This thing is genius. It's Gina-ist? I didn't even play a sound effect. Gina's doing that down the phone.

If you didn't realise, you're an actual practising criminal barrister. I love this idea. Where did this come from? Is this something you've wanted to do for a while? So I think, well, I mean, I did a pilot with Foxtel a few years ago. I'm talking like eight years ago, and that never really took off. But I think just I'm naturally gravitating to an entertainment version of what my profession is because I love entertaining

and I love my profession, so the two go hand in hand. And I think it's a bit of fun. Well, Gina, thank God you're here today because we have an issue that we need to settle in the court of the pick-up. Oh, I don't know where this is going. Well, I think you do, Laura. And please, can you wait to be spoken to? We've entered the court of law.

Well, can I just say, Gina, we might need your professional expertise here because there is an issue. We haven't told Laura what we're doing, but Brittany and I have a case that we'd like to bring towards Laura. So if there's a way that you want us to organise this, I become. How did Laura please quiet? Who's the complainant? Who's the applicant?

Mitch, Turi and myself are the plaintiffs. We would like to present our case to you now. If we may have, say, 30 seconds. Yep. I'm going to give you 30 seconds. We're going to roll off together. Time starts now. Okay.

Laura Byrne has a really bad habit of never wearing shoes everywhere. She walks everywhere and her feet are completely dirty at all times. I'm talking crust, dirt, soil in between the toes. She walks in, she puts her feet onto the table. She picks up chips with it. She picks up pens with her feet. Her toes. Oh, this is an exaggeration.

These are long Tyrannosaurus Toes toes. Go Mitch. I once went to high five Laura and instead of her hand, it was her foot. It was very sweaty and wet and there was toe crumbs that went onto my hand. Now I've got golden staph infection and plantar warts. I still have an imprint of Laura's foot on my car door. I have it on my car window and on my face. She makes good money.

She's got children. and she has no reason to not be wearing shoes, yet she continues to come in and do this daily radio show without any shoes on. And she has toe fungus. I have seen the fungus right now. Okay, what do you want to happen? I think what we ask for is for Laura to wear a pair of bright pink Crocs

every day next week. She wears those for fun. I will happily wear them. I wear shoes to work, but when I'm sitting at my desk, I take them off. Why? Because I'm a creative person and I find it far more comfortable to sit cross-legged on my chair. With your shoes off?

Yeah, because it would be very rude to put dirty shoes on a chair. But what about dirty feet? What about dirty feet? My feet are clean. They are not clean. I can see the dirt from here. Gina, I can see them now. They are clean feet.

Actually, there's no circulation down there. I know, they're very white. I sometimes touch Brit with my feet. That's the only version. She strokes me. Have you ever high-footed me? No, I've never high-footed you. We have footage.

But you like that. Judge, we need a verdict. Where do you stand on Brit Mitch v. The Foot? I think you need to wear shoes. Yes! Yes! You should be wearing shoes and I think your week with hot pink crocs on will be your punishment.

Who's no? You don't say no to the judge. That's the judge. What happens if I don't do it? You go to prison. There'll be a harsh ruling handed down to you. You can take your shoes off only when you're sitting on the chair, but otherwise hot pink crocs for a week.

So I'm currently sitting on the chair and I don't have my shoes on and I feel like this is a safe space. Gina, thank you so much. We're going to have to cut you off there because Laura is going to continue to fight her argument after the verdict has been handed down. Couldn't agree more. Gina Liano, a Judge Gina, is available on the iHeart app or wherever you get your podcasts. I feature on the podcast.

That episode's coming out. You do. Oh, yeah. You do. And, Laura, there's a little story that you're attached to as well. Thank you, Gina Liano. Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Thanks, Gina. Thanks, Gina. See ya. You know, there's one thing that everybody hates. Oh, yep. Just one? Just one thing. Every single person out there hates it.

We can all agree. And let's all say it at the same time. You know what it is? Perineum, Sonny. Small talk. Oh, yes. It is small talk. That's what we're thinking.

We all have to do it at different times. No one's particularly good at it and everybody hates it. To be honest, a bunch of radio announcers you'd think, like I excel with small talk. I'm great at small talk. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but no one likes doing it. No one would put down on their resume excellent at making small talk.

It kind of gets me going. I really enjoy small talk. You guys are both weird. It's because you talk so much shit. Continue, Laura. Okay. So I had, and look, I can do it. Do I love it?

Do I thrive in the environment of small talk? Probably not. But I had possibly the world's most awkward small talk moment. Oh, where was that? That has ever happened. So I had my girlfriend's hen's party on the weekend. And part of that hen's party was we had a stripper in a very, very small little two-by-one room.

We were doing karaoke. What were you doing with a stripper in a two-by-one? So we were doing karaoke. In a phone booth? In a tiny room. In a toilet cubicle? Literally. Karaoke.

The music goes off. In he walks with a speaker. And he's quite a good-looking young Brazilian man. This is probably the most attractive stripper I've ever seen. And then he starts doing his thing and gets down to nothing, as they do. But I mean, like, nothing. I was not prepared for how much of a stripping little situation we were going to get.

It was fully out. Everything was out. Oh, yeah. She was shocked the stripper stripped. Right. Yeah, but no one prepares you for what happens next. You kind of expect the stripping part, but no one expects for when he's finished, he turns the music off.

You're all sitting there in a quiet karaoke room and he has to just get dressed. To leave. To leave. Oh, wait, so you've all just, like, groped him and laughed and giggled. And everyone's laughed. It's all been high energy. And then he asks for his money, so you hand him cash.

And then he's putting his socks on and then he has to get another singlet because he's ripped his singlet in half. and then you have to sit there and make small talk with the guy. And I was like, hi, so how long have you been in Australia for? Do you buy your singlets in bulk packs? Oh, my God. You're like, so what else do you do with your time? I was like, what do you do when you're not stripping on a Saturday night?

He was like, I'm a carpenter. And we had a naked conversation. Are you getting the bus home? You'll be cold with just that G-string. Can you top this small talk? This is, Laura, you made it, just like, say thanks for your service. And then sitting there in silence while he puts his clothes on. Makes it seem so dirty.

I was making small talk and I was trying to establish that I was a mum because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. And I was like, oh, yeah, you know, I have kids. And I was like, but they're not travelling yet. It was horrible. Oh, my God, Steph. What happened with your awkward small talk? Oh, it's just, I just find it so awkward.

Every time I'm getting laser done, the legs are fine. When you're doing your underarms, fine. But as soon as you get to the Brazilian, it just gets awkward. And you're like, so the weather's good today, isn't it? It's just always so awkward. Especially if they do the butthole. Well, they're there with your bum cheeks spread apart and they're like, oh, we've had a bit of a heat wave recently, have we?

And you're like, why? Have I got heat rash? Oh, El Nino's coming. Damp and humid. All right, Bianca, hello. What happened with your awkward small talk? Was it bad, Bianca? So I was walking along.

I needed to go to the bathroom, struck up a conversation with a lady and she walked into the bathroom with me and she just kept going and I needed to go to the actual bathroom. Number two. We can read between the lines. Yep, I just needed to focus and do my thing. Like, girl's got hemorrhoids, babe. I need to focus.

I need to make sure I'm doing it right. Yep, and she just kept going and I was like, bathroom etiquette lady, come on. Why do people do that? Hey, like why would you talk when people, I guess it's to cover the sounds, right? But nobody wants to have a chat while they're doing a poo to a stranger. Oh, God, no.

That is mortifying. I could do it easily, but I am a professional at small talk and I can multitask. Sometimes I open TikTok really loud and then play some videos so then no one can hear the plop. No, because that's even weirder. There's nothing weirder than hearing someone listening to things on their phone in a public toilet.

It's better to be, if there's three cubicles and there's people doing poops, it's better to have some background music playing in the dead silence and just plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. Oh, my plops are not that delicate. He's like, pfft. Yeah. Okay. Look, this took a really weird turn.

It did. Just because you're good at small talk doesn't mean that there's areas or places that it should be done. One of them is in the toilet. Guys, there is huge news in The Bachelor world. And when I say The Bachelor world, I mean the TV show, The Bachelor. Laura, you found love of your life. I got dumped on national TV.

We've all been there. I've watched it. I'm familiar with the format, yes. Well, they've been trying a lot of things over the years, you know, mixing it up a little bit. There is a brand new format that I reckon is the golden ticket to The Bachelor. Because let's be real, the ratings on that show,

they haven't been incredible recently. I think it still does reasonably well overseas, but within Australia it's been struggling the last year. Well, in America on the ABC they've just announced a brand new bachelor and they have called him the golden bachelor the reason he's called the golden bachelor is because it's for people in their sunset years of life it is for the older people to go and find love again now they've announced grandpa i love jerry turner who is 71 years old such a grandpa can i show you him he's actually so handsome look at him oh my god he's

He's got hearing aids. He's 71. He married his high school sweetheart and she passed away in 2017. So they were married for 43 years. So you know he's a bloody good man. You know he loves relationships. You know he's loving and caring. He's very handsome.

Probably spent a little bit too much time in the solarium. But apart from that, I can't. Yeah, everything's good. He's channeling Donald Trumpy vibe, but he's cute. He's just golden. I think it's the filter they've put over him. Maybe. Although I would like to say that if I look like this at 71 years old,

like literally, if I look exactly like him at 71, I'm doing well. Oh, I'd be sold. Okay, well, have a listen to this. He doesn't have grey hair. He has wisdom highlights. Florida wants to retire and move to him. He's Gary. And I'm your first golden bachelor.

Oh, his dent just fell out as he said it. And Gary just shuffles out with his Zimmer frame. Bless him. No, he's not. He's fit and young and healthy. I'm your next bachelor and I just pooed myself. And I need to be cleaned up, please. No, guys, he's got two daughters and two granddaughters

and he wants to fall in love again after mourning his wife. I love it. I hope he doesn't want to fall because he's at high risk. I think this is amazing because, you know what, love is not just for the young and the beautiful. Everybody needs a bit of love. You know what, I think this could work down under. I reckon we could get, like, John Farnham as the Aussie Golden Bachelor.

Isn't he married? Yeah, well. Hollywood loves. They don't last. Koshi. Koshi. Oh, my God. Koshi just retired from Sunrise.

Also married. Maybe he's going to the sunset of his life. He's going to be the Aussie Golden Bachelor. What about someone like Russell Crowe? No, he's also in a long-term relationship. You guys are hopeless. Hugo Weaving? Dr. Carl.

Oh. Dr. Carl, he's, what, about 75, I think. He could be good. But is he married? Has anyone done the research if these people are married? You can't just throw names in the mix. Do you know what? Even if they are married, they may be unhappily married.

And the Golden Bachelor could be their new ticket to the sunset years of their lives. Instead of giving the people roses, does he just give them, like, cow trait pills? Do they just get osteoporosis medication? Guys, listen to their tagline. They get blood thinners. Instead of a rose, they get that little white cup full of pills.

I pick you. Here's your aspirin. Do you accept this life-saving medication? Geri, you're talking to a wall. I pick you, sweetheart. Geri, that's a marble mannequin. I'm going to call it. No offence, Laura.

I reckon this is the best bachelor they've ever had. Yeah, look, I'm not contemplating it. The only thing is, though, does everyone want to watch in very close with the camera right there a 70-year-old man making out with Granny? They're not going to be making out. They're going to be pecking. Maybe they don't. I reckon that these dirty dogs get down.

Laura, you're right. You know, the highest amount of chlamydia in Australia, I'm not joking. He's in koalas, Mitch. And second to that, it's in nursing homes. Second to that, it's in nursing homes because they're all going at it and then they forget they do it, so they do it nine times in a day. They don't forget. They just don't care anymore.

I can't wait to watch this unfold. This is going to be fantastic. I would love to speak to him. Producer Tony, can you get him a line? Can we get him, Tony? Okay. Thank you. That was easy.

I don't ask for much, but I want the golden bachelor. Just say we've got pudding and mashed bananas and he'll rush into the studio. Will you stop it? I've found both. Enough. Jerry, if you're listening, if you can hear me through the hearing aids, I support you and I'm all about this. Okay.

I'm not enjoying this. I don't know what you're about to talk about, but I feel like I'm about to be ambushed. I just, no, it's not an ambush, but I had a really big realisation on the weekend. Like, you're an odd bot, right? We love it. But you are a new mystery.

You are a very eccentric, loud, creative individual. Me? Eccentric? Me? Oh! Sorry, I'm not well. I'm not well. Listen, you're a unicorn and we wouldn't have it any other way.

But I went to your house on the weekend. Yes. You've moved in with your parents. I have. Mark and Michelle. Yes, we love them. But I finally realised why you are like you are. Your dad is next level.

I knock on the door. It swings open in slow motion. Your dad is standing there towering over me and he goes, hi, bitches. And that's how he opened the door. And I haven't seen Mark in a while. And I was like, oh, and I don't know why I just hit his energy and I started talking in an American accent.

Well, that's what my dad does. He's catchphrase. He's a corporate. He works from home. He's a corporate businessman. No humans have catchphrases. So that's what happens on sitcoms. Your dad is a living sitcom.

He is. Dad says to everyone, he walks down, you know, walking down the beach, like, hey, bitches, hey, bitch. That's what he does. He called me a bitch five times. He was just like, hey, bitch, what's up, bitch? He means it with love, Brittany. To 100%.

It was so funny. So I start talking in an American accent and all of a sudden he's like boy. I'm doing an American accent. We fell into our own sitcom. We fell into a skit and no one, it was an unmentioned skit. No one said, let's do a skit. We started doing a skit. Anyway, we walk into the house and it is just your, your face is everywhere. It's a shrine to you. You'd think you'd passed away, but you hadn't. You'd just moved back. They're very proud of you. They are. They are very.

But then you know how Mitch can't concentrate on anything for like two seconds. Mark, your dad is in a very serious Zoom meeting. He's a big CEO. He was on a meeting. I could see the people. There were about 12 little people on the screen. He just gets up. Give me a minute boys! Gets up, walks away and I was like, oh, he's just going to say

hello and hang out with us for a while. He left the Zoom meeting to hang out with us for about 20 minutes. He invited himself on our walk. I think he only spoke in riddles and one-liners. I don't think he strung one sentence together. It was gag fest. Those people are still sitting on that Zoom meeting waiting for him to come.

they're all getting made redundant they're still waiting it was very very like gag gag gag gag gag and i was trying to keep up and it was so much energy we'd pitched ideas to each other by the end of the day i thought i think we were starting businesses together what's your point you think i just i just understand finally where you came from and how you are who you are because your your entire family is is you yeah that makes sense yeah well i mean he's as crazy as you when you left dad said to me that night because obviously we went for a walk and then i came home late at night it's like oh mate brit today was lovely oh yeah brit's gorgeous she went but don't you think mate that that when we were talking in the kitchen and i go yeah he goes well mate she was just real

flirty yay oh and i said hold on dad flirty with with the 60 year old man or the gay best friend maybe you weren't supposed to match the energy brit maybe it was that you were Matching the energy. He took it the wrong way. Hang on, does he think I was hitting on him? Yeah, he does. Mark Turey, wash your mouth out in your wildest dreams. He goes, it's what she was wearing as well.

You're straight men. You wouldn't get it, mate. She was flirting. She was in active wear. I had tights on to my ankles and a jumper. He thought you were gay. He thought you wanted to be my mum. I am shooketh to the core.

I can't come over anymore. Mitch, how would you feel if Ruth and your dad started dating and it was like, Mummy, Mummy Brittany. Oh, my God, I love it. I reckon Michelle would have something to say about it. If I tucked you in a bed at night. Oh, my God. You'd eat me out of house and home.

Oh, well, an ode to the cheeries. And then on the flip side, that's how crazy they are. Then Laura on Dancing With The Stars. I come home the other night, Daddy's crying, eating a cornetto, watching Laura be eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. It's because he saw my arse on TV and thought I was flirting with him as well. Yeah, go to him one week. I am sugar.

There you go. Love your dad in Charles. Do not love you, to be clear. Like you. Mark, we think you're fantastic. We love him. Loris Flanning. Yeah, careful, Laura.

He'll get the wrong idea.