Life Uncut - The Best of The PickUp Radio show - Due to unforeseen circumcisions

Episode Date: February 11, 2024

It's our weekly round up! The best of the week from our National radio show THE PICKUP.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany.

I'm Mitch. And this is our radio show where we package up the best parts of the week and give it to you in one tiny little show. Can I pitch the segment that I want to do on the pick-up here and we can get the listeners to let us know if Will It Block is a good idea? Yes, because I love this. Okay, Will It Block is a segment that I want to do on the pick-up. We give different chocolate bars and we decide Will It Block,

i.e. will it work in block form because Lint have said that this Easter they're putting the Lint bunny in block form and that's a good idea. Yeah, but some chocolates just wouldn't block. You are right, Mitch. Some chocolates just wouldn't block. Crunchy. Could you block a Curly Whirly? No, it'd be floppy and thin.

Could you block a Cadbury Cream Egg? I think they've tried. Yeah, you could block a Cream Egg. Guys, you know you can get a block of crunchy chocolate, right? No, you can't. Yeah, but it's gross. You can't get a crunchy chocolate block. I think you can.

Yes, you can. It's delicious. It's one of my faves. Oh, so they've done it. Wow, science is there. Milo, you can block Milo. You shouldn't, but you can. You can.

You can't block a Mars because of the nougat. Okay, considering we never spoke about this actually on the show at all, we only spoke about this in our radio breaks, this has taken over already. Mitch, what happened for you this week? Wow, will it block? We're shut down. King, will it block?

Okay. Will it block is blocked, although it is a funny one to ask your friends. What's your favourite chocolate and could it be blocked? Will it block? Just ask this Easter. Will it block? Yeah. And if there is a chocolate sponsor listening to us, we'll take.

If you do have chocolate, what I will say is don't bring it to work if Mitch sure is there because he will most likely steal your food straight from the fridge. We caught him red-handed. Everyone in the office has caught you red-handed, Mitch. Well, it's because what we came to the bottom of on this week's show is that Mitch misunderstands the term communal fridge. He thinks that things that go inside the communal fridge

become communal in essence. I thought the fridge here at Kiss was communal. You didn't. But what I didn't realise was I was actually eating food that people that work here have paid for and I'd actually eaten it in front of their face. Like I was gloating. I had a piece of toast and someone went,

where did you get that? That's gluten-free toast. I went, you've never had it before. She went, that's because I bought it because I'm celiac and I was eating it in front of her. We didn't even have that example on the show, so I don't know who that was that said that, but that just shows how often you've been doing it.

Well, there was an intervention on the show for me, so I thought that was really unfair, really embarrassing considering we also spoke to Tony Armstrong, who is a heartthrob and he's gorgeous, so that'll be in the podcast. And I thought I flirted really well with Tony Armstrong. Well, from food to flirting to a man potentially cutting off his own penis, we've covered it all this week.

There was potentially a typo that happened in a pizza hut in Florida or maybe it wasn't a typo and maybe his penis was chopped. Wow. Just the foreskin. The mystery of it all. Find out on the show. I can't leave today without talking to you guys about what happened on MAPS last night.

Okay, so if you guys have missed it, there's a man on the show, his name's Jaden. He's married to a woman named Eden. And at the moment, it is Confessions Week. Now, Confessions Week is where each couple comes with their dark secrets and they confess something that probably they shouldn't have done in the first place. But this was probably the most sordid Confessions Week yet. Have a listen to this. My ex-girlfriend cheated on me. She was going on dinner dates, movie dates. And I even had guys openly admit to me in person that I had slept with her. I told her that I was willing to give her another chance,

but I'm going to sleep with her best friend while she watches. One of her friends agreed to do it. So after a little bit of chatting for a few days, it happened. Do you regret that, though? I don't regret it. What an interesting bunch of friends. Can you believe it?

Who do you dislike more in this situation? The person that cheated, the best friend that's supposed to be your best friend but is happy to sleep with your partner or the person that stays in the relationship to sit there and watch your best friend sleep with the partner? I love that it only took them a couple of days to get to the resolution. It took us a couple of days and then we did it.

Okay, well, this led me into a bit of an idea. Look, in the spirit of Confessions Week, I would like to think that none of us are hiding any secrets that are as gross as Jaden. But maybe we are. And so we have a little game to play. The three of us have put a deep, dark secret into a hat. We're going to guess whose secret is whose.

Oh, God. I don't know if I'm ready for this. This is either Mitch, Britt or Lauren. Yeah, it's one of ours, but who knows whose. When I was 15, I was worried my friend wouldn't get a Valentine's Day present, so I became their secret admirer and never told anyone about it. Oh, that's not that sorted. No, I was expecting more.

Do you know what? That's someone who wants to appear as though they're nice. That's you then, Laura. I'm joking. It's Laura. It's Laura. But it is Laura, isn't it? No.

Keep you guessing, everyone. Next confession. I think we know. I knew I was going to break up with an ex, but got them to pay for one last tank of petrol before I left him. That's also something Laura would do. Are these all Laura's confessions? Let's read the last one.

Guys, it feels really good to get some things off my chest. So pointed. I've been holding on to this for so long. Finally, final confession. I went on a date with my ex's best friend after we broke up. That's Mitch Turi. Yeah, I reckon that could be Mitch. Okay, number one.

Who pretended to be their friend's valentine because their friend didn't have one and they were lonely? I reckon that has to be the nicest thing anyone has ever done. It was me. It was me. Then it's Brittany Hockling. I knew it. I knew it.

I was like, Britt's never going to tell a sordid bad. It'll always be a nice one. You're so garbage. I don't have anything nasty to tell you guys. I promise. Off the show, you should hear the stories Brit tells on the mic. Please. That's nice.

Go siphon some more petrol, Laura. Go siphon some petrol. Well, then, hold on. That means that either, Laura, you got an extra tank of petrol out of your bad ex. Well, you know exactly what you did, and I know exactly what I did, Mitch and Shuri, and you are the petrol tank thief.

I'm the petrol tanker. I knew I was going to break up with him in about a couple of days and I had no petrol and we were fighting. So I was like, you know what? You do the petrol. You pay for it. And he went, okay, and then I broke up with him. That's true.

And I went on the world's worst date with my ex's best friend. That was bad. That was terrible. Laura. Terrible. You just bagged out the maths people for doing that with their besties and you didn't. I didn't make him watch.

In my defence, my ex also cheated on me and then broke up with me. and then his friend asked me out and I was like well maybe you'll be better than him but anyway it was terrible you are a maths contestant that storyline is channel nine are calling the wrong show yeah I've ended up with a few more followers we want to know when you ruined a surprise because just this past week it was my partner Ben's birthday and now this wasn't something I ruined but I went to great lengths to organize a beautiful surprise for him on his birthday and it failed epically all right bear with me my brother-in-law Jay and my sister and myself and Ben were all getting together for Ben's birthday and I had I had made this beautiful big

cake that cost me a bomb I had booked an afternoon of activities that were like all his favorite activities I'd gotten his friends involved I had a like a hatted restaurant booked for him because he's such a foodie. All I said to him was like, babe, be home by four o'clock, be ready dressed to go out. He's like, what's going on? I'm so excited. No one ever surprises me. And then Jay, my brother-in-law comes in and in front of Ben pulls the cake out of the fridge and says, all right, let's get cracking. We ready to meet the boys for the afternoon of Topgolf. And I'm pretty pumped for this restaurant. Have you heard this guy's got two hats? Just, just blew the whole thing and Ben's like hang on hang on what and there was this there's this everything he ruined

the entire I had gone to such great lengths to organize this he had ruined literally the entire thing blew the whole thing for him all over wait was he not like in a group chat like how did he not know that this was a surprise had you not specifically said this is a surprise please don't tell Ben that's kind of on you Brit yeah I think it's more the information no I'm sorry but you if there's a secret that you don't want to be told you tell someone yeah absolutely you make a Very specific as well. Like, please don't tell them. Also, make sure that you're here and doing this.

Why was the cake even able to be brought out in front of me? Yeah, cover it in a cloche. Don't you two gaslight me. We were in a separate group chat that had everyone bar Ben. That says it all. I've done something similar to this before. It was a friend's surprise birthday, like an actual surprise birthday where you walk in and you scream, surprise.

And like, you know, we all know how they roll. But, okay, what I did was I mixed up the group chats and I accidentally wrote about the surprise birthday party in the group chat that she was in. So she then knew about it and it was before the days of being able to like delete messages that you're not supposed to send in group message. I just always make mistakes with that stuff.

I did the exact same thing and the phone lines are flooding too. I did it too. My sweet 16 was a surprise party to get me out of the house. Mum went, you just got your L's, let's do one hour of driving. And I was like, okay. I was such a shit driver. I screwed up the parallel park. I forgot to turn my blinker on.

I was in such a pissed off mood. As we pulled into the garage, I stormed out, yelled at mum, like, I'm never driving again. Oh, that's so embarrassing. You've ruined my birthday. Opened the door, surprise. And I've just given it to my mum in front of all my nearest and dearest. I mean, you didn't ruin a surprise.

You just looked like an arsehole. Yeah, two different things. Very different things. See, Britt, it's not just you. Jared as well on 131065. Did you ruin a surprise? Yeah, I really did. I accidentally told my mum that my sister was pregnant before she did.

oh that's an epic fail jared it was mortifying so so it was my twin sister so we're very close we talk every day and she just like i knew she'd been trying and she mentioned it and then like the first thing i went to do it was like in 30 seconds was go message my mom being like oh my god this is so exciting i've been trying for like a year like i just it felt natural and then i found out that she didn't know. Your mum's like, trying what? Trying what? A new hobby? Yeah, and then

my sister was like, she tried to not be mad because she knew it was a mistake, but she was angry. Didn't your mum just pretend like she didn't know? Didn't she just bring out her best acting skills and be like, oh my god, I'm so surprised? Yeah, no. My mum doesn't work that way.

Mum, get with the program. That's your mum's fault. I blame her. You two are gaslighting everybody it's jared's fault that's britney's fault i blame britney yeah that's my fault too you guys might remember the other day british i was talking about when i was coming to work and how i almost died and i don't mean that i remember this i had a need that's so dramatic so painful about it too excuse me that was just like a lot like you didn't almost die i did it was my closest near-death experience i was almost run over in the street by a maniac okay have a have a listen to this. All right, picture this. I just dropped the kids off at daycare and I had

a coffee in one hand. I had my phone in the other hand. I wasn't paying a lot of attention to the road. It was a pedestrian crossing. And so believe it or not, I kind of assumed that when you approach a pedestrian crossing, cars stop. It's like the Red Sea. You think they're just going to part ways for you to cross it. Out of my periphery, it feels like the car that's coming is coming too fast. I look up and there it is. This 90 year old lady in a Mercedes with all her windows down faying it straight across the pedestrian crossing. Oh, no. And I was like, this is one of two things.

She either probably shouldn't have a licence or she has such little time left she doesn't care. Right, so you rubbish the elderly of the country. I was almost run down and flattened by a geriatric. No, I was. Doubling down, Brie. She was naughty. You weren't looking.

It was your fault. You have to look left, right and left, even at a crossing. No, no, no. It was a pedestrian crossing. Anyway, okay, that's not what happened here. so my beautiful mother-in-law Ellie she's moving in with us and she's just come down to stay with us for a little while we love Ellie we've had her on the show many times and I walked in I hadn't seen Ellie for a little while and she said Laura Byrne I have a bone to pick with you now what's

happened is that Ellie has recently retired she used to be a school teacher so she never ever listened to the pickup before so we have spoken about Ellie many times on the show I get to tell stories. I can speak freely knowing that my mother-in-law is never going to hear. But the tables have turned because now she's listening to every single show. And she had some real feelings about

the fact that I was on my phone and crossing a pedestrian crossing. So what did she say to you? She was scolding you? Oh yeah, I got scolded like a teenager. Like I was a naughty little girl and she told me how wrong I was. And I still, no, I stand by this. I know you shouldn't check your phone when you're near the road, but people need to stop

if they're coming to a pedestrian crossing. That's why the lines are there. Laura, you can't constantly blame other people for your mistakes. And also, take this as a compliment. She likes you. She doesn't want you to die. She wants you to stay married. Wait, wait, wait.

And she listens to The Pickup every day. Hold on. Producer Grace is just, I think, has Ellie called through? We've got Laura's mother-in-law on the line. She's listening now. Ellie. I am listening now. Mom, stop embarrassing me.

No, no, no, no, no. You do not. Listen, I am so, really, I'm so cross. First of all, my darling girl, you are now the mother of two beautiful girls who adore you, and you have a husband who'd be lost without you. So tell me, please, why you were walking across a road while looking at your phone?

Yes, Laura. Yeah. Tell us. I didn't think it was going to be intervention time because it was a pedestrian crossing. I didn't think... Laura Byrne, you will stop there because it is not a magical accident-free zone

with some invisible armour-plated protection. Amen. You do not realise how many insane drivers are out there who are probably looking at their own phones. Now, you know what? as much as I am cross with you because we love you too much for you to die some ridiculous death.

What I do think, though, I'm kind of pleased that you've raised it in a way because I think there is a valuable lesson here for young people. They can wear their headphones on the bus, on the train, in the park, skate park whatever on the beach but when you are navigating busy streets headphones don't have a place i i love you to death you are hopefully not to death hopefully i stay alive for a long time

is what we've established but no you try to establish nobody dies you are such a mom through and through and now i'm a little bit scared to come home like i'm going to be in trouble in my Are you scared to interrupt? I want to let Ellie say everything she needs to say. I am literally hanging on every single word and I feel like I'm being scolded simultaneously. I'm like, what have I been doing wrong? Has Ellie been listening to me as well?

Ellie, you listen to the show every day. No, I agree with you, Brit. Laura, you cannot blame that geriatric for driving carelessly. Think of the geriatrics. You must promise me, Laura Byrne, that when you approach a road, your mobile phone is not in your hand. Say it, Laura. Can you promise me that?

Put your hand on your heart. I promise that I will not be on my phone anymore. And I also, if I ever have a story to tell where I think I'm going to get in trouble, I'm not telling it on the pick-up. Beautiful. Beautiful. I'm censoring myself from now on, guys. Wow.

Oh, she's still – Ellie, we don't have the time where people have to be picked up from school. Ellie, I love you. We love you, Ellie. that is Maddie J's mother Ellie there everyone Mitch you sir have been thieving all over the office from every floor now I walked in today and saw you with a yogurt pouch I said where'd you get that yogurt pouch from Mitch and you said oh I just got it from the fridge and I said whose is that and you said it's it's it's mine I brought it from home and I said liar it's my yogurt pouch

You were eating, walking around the office so confidently eating my lunch. Yeah, it was embarrassing. But in my defence, I'm not stealing things. They're in the fridge and the fridge at work is communal. Mitch! The fridge at work is a communal fridge for everyone to use. It is not a fridge that when food goes in there, it becomes communal. The food is not communal, Mitch.

Exactly. And now, so I walked out into the office and I was steaming because I was looking forward to that protein, high-protein yoghurt pot. And apparently this isn't a one-off occasion. Now we have Alex, Office Alex. Oh, no, don't you start, Mitch. Yep. Oh, hi, Alex.

Hey, Mitch. Hey, Brit Law. Hi. What's been going on? Not only have you stolen my food, I've witnessed you like every week stealing other people's food. What is this bachelor ball? You're all coming on here.

It's like an intervention. Yes, that's exactly what this is. Mitch has gone so far as to try and encourage other people to steal food. He was like, just make yourself some cereal. and he tried to convince me that the cereal was communal and then I found out that the cereal is actually somebody's cereal who they brought in. They brought it in and left it there.

You're now complicit so you're in trouble as well. I never ate it and you do every day, every single day. Well, you know what, Alex? I've actually stopped targeting you because you eat protein food and it's rancid and disgusting. So I tried to eat one of his cookies and it was made from whey protein and macadamia husks. That's why Alex, no, that's what he's had to resort to

so that you won't eat it. But you know what? It doesn't stop there, Mitch. It doesn't stop there. Oh, no. We have Kate from the newsroom. You've stolen my food too. Now, the story, okay, you tell the story, Kate,

because I'll tell you my opinion. I had saved my chocolate protein pudding all day and I was looking forward to it for my afternoon treat. I went to get it and my face dropped. I walked out. I was ranting and Jami's like, have you checked if Mitch took it? And then I realised I was not your first victim. And you're not going to be the last.

Hey, do you know what? I'm going to start doing this, Mitch. A colleague that I used to work with, I'm not going to say where or when, but he was convinced someone was stealing his lunch out of the fridge. So he started to bring a dead rat to work and he put it on top of his lunchbox in the fridge to stop people from stealing. So I'm going to do that.

Mitch, no, Britt, I have so many more questions about this. Like, what, was it a fresh rat every day? Yeah, change the topic. Was it a dead rat? Like, if it's dead, how long was he using the same rat for? How was he getting the rats from? I think he recycled the rat. Did he work in a science lab?

Nah, same rat. How dare you compare me to a man that was bringing in a dead rodent and putting it on people's ham sandwiches. Also, Kate, she messaged me and said, did you eat my food? And I admitted, I said yes, and I reimbursed it. There's no malice involved. It's just sometimes when you're on the air, I'm on the air. Don't.

It's hard. You've got to run and get a snack while the songs are on and I accidentally grab other people's food. Bring your own snack, Mitch. No, Mitch. This is something that you do on purpose. We can. We can't.

We know it. We see it and we are watching you and every office has this person who thinks, oh, I'll just take a little bit of the milk that's not the communal milk. It adds up and we see it. Okay, well, I challenge you, try and stop me. Sorry, what are you going to do? I am.

I'm bringing the rat in. The rat's coming. Try and stop me. The dead rat. Not going to stop me at all. What can we do? That's the next thing. Oh, wow, good intervention.

Figuring out what we can do to sabotage Mitch's food that he steals. You guys did not think this through. I'm going to put a human poo in there and then you can guess whose it is. Enjoy that. Is it chocolate mousse? Is it chocolate pudding? Who knows? And that's up next.

Live on air, Laura's pooing in the fridge. Thank God for iPhones, hey? Because usually when you write a text message these days and you make a little typo, your iPhone and the apps are smart enough that they usually correct it before you send it away, right? How many times have you been saved by that little thing going, little red squiggly line where it's like, I don't think this is quite right. I don't think you're meant to write this. I've sent a lot of messages about ducks. I'll tell you that much. Nobody has

ever wanted to say duck the amount of times that phones think that you do. Mine don't always autocorrect. All right. Well, there is a pizza hut in Florida who has gotten themselves into a little bit of strife because of an accidental typo that happened. Now, they had to close the shop. And so they had a sign on the window and it read like this. Due to unforeseen circumcisions, the dining room will be closed this evening. Sorry for the inconvenience. Open for takeout and delivery only. Now this was put up on the door and since then it has gone absolutely viral

because you know what? It was an unforeseen circumcision. No one could have known it was going to happen and it had to be chopped there then immediately by a Pizza Hut employee. Do you think it was that little knife on the wheel that he dropped? And it was an unforeseen circumcision? They cut off a slice of foreskin. I am wondering how it's unforeseen, yes.

Like what are you doing with that willy in the pizza restaurant? No, sometimes there's little bits of cavernossi at the end. That pepperoni. Yeah, the pepperoni can skew a little. No, Mitch, I like where you're taking this. Instead of it being a typo, it's like, no, there was actually, it didn't mean to be circumcised. That's my point.

The chef did it to himself in the kitchen. How do we know that it's not? He's currently in emergency. This wasn't a typo at all. that it's not real um this remember reminds me of this time i was um back in the day when i i used to like work in an office and we were organizing something for mother's day for one of our clients and i wrote this lovely email which went out to her but also my bosses were cc'd in at the time and i wished her a wonderful day with her bum instead of her mum oh yeah i hope you have a

Great day, spending quality time with your bottom. But to be fair, Laura, like you do want to have a great day with your bum, don't you? Like you're not really, well, you don't want to wish a terrible day with your bum. When I worked at Coles, this is kind of like a verbal typo, I wanted to be a radio presenter so bad 10 years ago that I would spruik all the prices at the checkout and one Christmas I said the pentatone

was $5 on special but it was actually $50. So because I'd said it in the store, we had to honour the price. For how many people? Oh, there were at least 50, at least 50. People in the store at the time were like, $5 for a loaf of panettone. Oh, my God. So we had to do it and I got in so much trouble

and then I got a successful radio job. Yeah, there you go. And now you make mistakes on air all the time. Yeah, true. That's fine, actually, yeah. Oh, Josh has called on 131065. Did you have a typo at work? I wasn't at work.

I was trying to save a bit of money for my wedding by, like, making the invitations myself. I had, like, two close mates named Mason, one last name B and one with a last name F. And when I saved the PDFs, I saved both as Mason B instead of one separately. So one of my really close mates didn't get an invite to my wedding for like six months. Wait, did he think that he just wasn't invited or like how did you find out? He just never brought it up, thought it was really awkward,

thought we were trying to save money with our guest list or whatever. I was like, no, I invited you. And he's like, no, you didn't. And I was like, oh. Oh, that would have been way worse if he didn't actually come because he thought he wasn't invited. You know, Laura didn't invite me to her wedding if it makes you feel better. I just was like, hey, I'm turning up.

Britt, that's not even true. You signed my wedding certificate. You were my witness. I was going to say, that's a load of BS. I know, right? Why are you trying to make me look bad? No, I never got an actual invite. It was just expected that I was going,

but the invite never actually came. Actually, that's true. I never got an actual invite either. Guys, you just don't check your emails. Everybody got an email invite and neither of you RSVP'd. I can still show you it. And do you know what? That takes me to another point.

It's so annoying when you send out wedding invites and people don't go online and RSVP and then gaslight you into saying they didn't receive it. You're the master of flipping things. That was incredible. Yeah, I know. Anyway, I really feel for that Pizza Hut guy who cut off his own penis.

He's got a beautiful looking wang though and the pizza has never been tastier.