Life Uncut - Walk down memory lane - GAS LIT CITY BABY!

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEARS EVE LIFERS!On todays little stroll down memory lane we are bringing fireworks... well, less fire works and more gaslighting, but this is one heated little episode.This is episode 29 from season 3 and it is one of our favourite episodes as so many people have experienced this behaviour or been guilty of it themselves and it is so very relatable.Pop some champas and settle back for this recap episode - Big love to you all.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another little trip down memory lane with Life Uncut. I'm Laura and if you've been following along this week then you would know that Brit is not here with me today and that is because we are still on holidays. But before we get into today's little walk down memory lane, I just want to wish you guys the biggest happy freaking New Year's Eve that I can possibly muster whilst I sit here alone in my bedroom recording this. but I hope that 2021 brings you guys everything that you have wanted. I hope that you guys have your goals in place. And for everybody who felt like 2020 was a little bit stagnant and they weren't able to really kickstart or progress or move in the direction that they wanted for

themselves. I hope that this new year brings you all of that and so much more. And we really can't wait to come back in the new year and bring you this podcast and hopefully bring you guys some lols as well, because that's what life's all about. But anyway, for today's episode, we thought, what better way to bring in a brand new year, 2021, than with some fireworks? And by fireworks, I kind of mean gaslighting. Similar, a very tenuous stretch of a link here, but I'm going to go with it. So today's episode is Gaslit City Baby. It is from April this year. And I personally really love this episode I know Britt loves this episode too and it's because gaslighting is something that is and it's so common in relationships not just in romantic relationships

but in all relationships it can be a really malicious technique that's used in toxic relationships but it can also just be something that we do unintentionally as a result of either feeling guilty for our behavior or also because we don't have the best communication skills so it's something that like, I think a lot of people listen to this episode and go, ah, I do that from time to time. And I'm not a total asshole, but being aware of your behavior also helps you to recognize it, identify it and do better in your own relationship. So I love this episode. We did it. It's also just such a good walk down memory lane because we talk about too hot to handle, which was truly one of the highlights this year. And also some great accidentally unfiltered in

there for you as well. So guys, that's enough from me for today. I hope that you have already popped yourself a glass of champagne. Sit back, enjoy. This is episode 29 and it's Gaslit City Baby. Are we live? You're live. Okay. I still really need to fart. I need to go to the bathroom. Oh, do you? All right, we'll just stop. I think it's in your head. No, that was in my butt. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Brittany. And this should be our Tuesday episode, except very confusing. We know it is Thursday and we're very, very sorry that we couldn't bring you our episode this week. We did. I say we, we as a collective podcast, we did have a crazy week and we couldn't get it to

you, but there is very, very good reason. Laura. I was like, what's your bloody excuse? No, I was just supporting you. Thank you. I feel, I feel held. I feel supported. I feel seen. Sorry guys, that we couldn't get you it we had a really hard week with Marley she um she came down with some sort of viral bug and which is crazy because we have not left the house we have not done anything at all for almost five weeks now so somehow somewhere in our house she's managed to pick up some sort of virus and we spent a couple of nights back and forth from hospital with her and yeah it was a bit stressful so that took numero uno priority this week oh absolutely like and the crazy thing that I thought was Laura is messaging me and she's like we're in hospital

again throughout the night she's like we can still try and record tomorrow like you were still trying you were like I feel bad and I want to get the episode out and I had to sort of pull the rug from under you a little bit and say absolutely not I don't want to leave the team down you didn't but I love your dedication but there's a time for it and um this was this is more important and sometimes there are a few things in life that are going to trump it, but family is one of them. Guys, sometimes life just gets you. And you know what?

Having a sick kid is worse than having a man with man flu. So if you don't have a kid and so you can't quite figure out what that's like, think of when your boyfriend or your ex-boyfriend or your dad has been sick. It's about 10 times worse than that. But she is completely on the mend now. Hopefully she's out of the woods. Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods?

But that is our reason, guys. And thank you. You're always so understanding. Always. I say always. we've only ever done this once but you guys were really understanding that time and we're very very grateful with how understanding you were this week as well so this is going to be a bit of a longer episode because we are also going to merge in and ask uncut we hadn't talked about that but i'm

bringing that on you now britney i just looked like am i what this is news to me news to you news to everyone we're going to merge in and ask uncut at the end so guys just strap yourselves in put in some undies it's gonna be a good episode well something great did happen to me this week oh go on then tell me all about it it was just that you watched too hot to handle and that's great for me because now we can talk about it so last episode brit recommended to you all that we should watch too hot to handle and look guys i'm i'm a sicko for reality tv you know that i just didn't want to get on board because i knew that it would be many hours of my life that i'd never get back and I managed to watch the entire series in two days and it's so good it's so good isn't it

it's freaking disgusting and I hate it with every single fiber in my body and I love it as well you felt like you were losing some brain cells and you felt like I shouldn't be watching this there has to be something more productive I can do with my life but you couldn't look away like you just you were so invested in seeing what happened and seeing who got with who and and I don't even know if it was that but it was just i was in hysterics constantly laughing at them with them at the host lana oh my god lana oh my i need lana can lana start a podcast i'm here for it i'm gonna blow your mind right now ready one of our listeners wrote in today to me personally she's like i just feel like you need this information do you know where they got the name lana from where

you can't laugh at your own joke before you've even told but lana lana what is lana backwards anal that's pretty surely that is not the motivator hey guys have some deep connection really form that loving bond but that's not it it's over the whole show is a piss take Lana laughs at them not with them the whole time she's always making fun of them like I 100% think that it is anal backwards that's why they've done it it was forethought for sure pre-meditated I am on board I have watched the whole thing I am a convert born again too hot to handle sycophantic I love it I'm sure that some people are going to think less of us for this but you know what that's I have no other recommendations for this week my recommendation

is your recommendation from last week so what did you think of the show now you've watched it there's so many aspects of it that I liked I liked that there wasn't this forced dating that happened from it so like unlike and I know we talked about this a little bit just between us but sort of for the listeners I like that in in sort of like comparison to say like The Bachelor or Married at First Sight there's these forced connections that have to happen like you are encouraged to get into a relationship and you only win by being in a relationship I really really like this whole idea with Too Hot to Handle that you can still win you can still be a full participant in the experiment and you can still grow within the experiment without being in a

relationship and that is a really interesting take on a dating show that's not happened before I also liked that there was no specific villain so I think sometimes in The Bachelor and this is one thing that always comes up each season and is a real point of contention but in this there doesn't need to be an there doesn't need to be a villain like there's no manufactured villain it just follows the storyline of these people it follows the storyline of their conversations of their interactions and it doesn't feel as though a plot has already been manufactured whereas I do think that sometimes with The Bachelor they already know what role they want each character to play and I didn't get that vibe from Too Hot to Handle and I loved how fresh that felt for a reality tv

show I agree but I thought when you agree with me no there's a but oh shut up I do think that Francesca was supposed to be their version of the villain she wasn't a villain and she wasn't the bully or anything but if you had to pick someone she was the one that was sort of a bit controversial breaking the rules doing the wrong thing not caring about what anyone said she was all about her so I think she was supposed to be that person of the series I still think that she was lovable in her own way like she definitely did some things that were villainous but she made those decisions and she was very vocal about that but I don't think that the edit really it didn't seem like they were chopping changing they didn't sound like they were doing sound biting at all where

they were taking bits and pieces of a conversation to create or manufacture a storyline it really felt like it was naturally following what these people were experiencing and what was happening I just I really surprisingly enjoyed it I dedicated a good solid five hours per night to watching the whole thing and I got it done in two days so guys if you haven't seen it yet We don't really want to give away full spoilers, but this does lead us into our conversation for today's episode, which is going to be on gaslighting. Britt very much pointed out that she felt that Harry had gaslighted Francesca at one point, and we'll get into how we kind of saw that play out. Do you say gaslit or gaslighted? Oh, that's a general, you're going to get me on

the grammar now, are you? No, that's a general, I don't know, because I don't know, because usually you'd say, are you the gaslighter or the gaslightee? Yeah, I actually don't know that one. let's just say it differently gaslit city do you want me to stop anyway there was a segment where one of the guys an Aussie guy Harry who you love at the end and this is the thing they all have great progression in their storylines and they come full circle and there's moments where you hate them and you can't believe that they're doing this or saying this and then they come full circle and you love them but there was a moment at the beginning where Harry I believe completely and I think I mean I've seen a lot of

articles on it too the world thinks that he completely gaslit gaslighted Francesca um he did the wrong thing threw her under the bus embarrassed her in front of his friends and then somehow made her come to him apologizing and basically begging for him back and he was saying I don't think I can forgive you for this and I was sitting there with my sister and I was like how is this happening how is this woman who you can tell she's smart how is this beautiful intelligent woman begging for him back and apologizing after what he just did to her and that's what got me thinking how this must happen all the time i've been in this situation personally i know you have i think a lot of women have and it's not overly spoken about but before we get into the real

meaty part of the episode brit how was your week been i actually have a funny story to tell you it wasn't me but you just reminded me of it so my sister sherry's boyfriend jay he's from scotland so any story's funnier just because he says in the scottish accent he was just super casually telling us about something that happened to him the other day he went to get a haircut at the barber essential service essential service just a little trim and he had a runny nose now when he went into the barber and sat down the barber put his cape around his neck brushed his hair back and with a bare hand went oh I'll get that and wiped his nose wiped the snot from his nose with his bare hand no yeah and I said I said to Jay what do you mean he wiped your nose no he's like he just

wiped my nose he just went oh oh look at that I'll get that with his bare hand and then I said Jay what did you do he's like oh I didn't know what to do I just sat there didn't I and I was like you're right everything's funny with a Scottish accent but how I think that's gobsmacking like if somebody came up to me with their bare hand I didn't know a stranger and wiped stuff from my nose I would be offended that man is definitely a dad and he has been spending so much time at home in isolation with his kids that it just it was like muscle memory he just he just accident and then he probably was doing it and halfway through he was like what the fuck am I but you just have to commit like you've committed you just have to continue and jay was like it was

this awkward moment then he had to sit through the whole haircut and he's like i was really scared i was really scared that my nose was gonna run again because i didn't know what was gonna happen i love that when i asked you what's been happening in your week that's the story that you share i just picture it and if you think of that in a scottish accent it just made my week because i just didn't know there were people out there that were that dedicated in their job so i take my hat up to that barber he's a full service kind of guy he's there to please but what about you I guess you didn't really have time in between hospital visits to do anything this week no one wants to listen to me say this but I have no recommendations because I've literally not done anything except

care for a sick kid but you know what I do have a recommendation actually and this is for mums who are ever in a situation where they're not sure whether or not to take their kid to hospital the last couple of nights and we had to go in a few times with Marley Matt and I had that moment where you're there with your sick kid and and you're like I don't know what to do like we don't is she is she really sick is she not that sick like her temperature is really high do we take her to hospital don't we take her to hospital I think if you as a parent are ever in a situation where you're standing there with your child contemplating whether or not to take them to hospital just take them to hospital I felt a bit guilty because I was like I don't know if this is an emergency or not

but I feel better being here and the doctors were so amazing at the children's hospital in Randwick they were like if there is ever a situation where you don't know whether or not you should take your child to hospital then just take them and that reassurance I'm like that's what mums need to hear they don't you just don't that's not the time for like trying to problem solve or trying to figure out whether it's the right or wrong thing to do just don't take chances take your kid I mean as a hospital worker I have seen that happen so many times and I can't agree more if you were debating anything about whether you're unwell enough or if you should go and see a doctor absolutely go and see the doctor that's what they're there for they're there to care for you and if you don't

need to be there they will let you know but just imagine if you questioned it and stayed home and something happened god forbid you'd never forgive yourself but that's what never forgive yourself that's what um hospital workers are there for there's my recommendation don't take your kid to hospital unless you need to but if you're not sure take them there you go i'm sure there's some better things you can watch on netflix okay well i'm going to jump into um an accidentally unfiltered that somebody wrote in I love it it's short and sharp and spicy guys I love this section of the podcast so for those of you who are new this is where you guys share your most embarrassing stories with us and we share them with the rest of you but you know what most of you probably

already know that so hit it off Brit but also if you are new where you been where you been okay pour yourself a glass of wine get on board so this girl went out and had a one-night stand basically she meets this guy super smoking hot she's like stuff it I'm just gonna I'm just gonna go I need it I'm gonna go all out take him home she takes him home they have a great night like amazing sex all night in the morning it's time for him to go he says well you know can I grab your number because they hadn't even swapped numbers yet can I grab your number and she's like absolutely bit cute bit nervy puts her number in his phone and off he goes later that day she gets a call from her dad honey why am i getting messages from some guy about how great

the sex was last night what so out of habit she just typed in her dad's phone number no how do you do that dude i i know my parents phone number off off by heart i can type in anywhere so he i don't know he goes he's like babe what's your number she types it in close she's a bit nervy she obviously calls her dad a lot and types it in types it in he went home and started texting her about how great the sex was god only knows what else he said and the dad's getting it which is something my dad would do my dad would be like you got some oh wow wow i know that's a lot i love that imagine i don't know how i would feel if that happened to me and i was a dad and that was my daughter my family there's six of us and we are two girls two boys mom and dad the six of

are so tight there's literally nothing that you can't say or tell each other at the you should see our dinner table conversation it's ludicrous i'm just imagining some guy that you had sex with the night before messaging your dad being like you were so tight that was the best sex i've ever had and your dad being like oh thanks for that philip have a great night my dad will come out some morning he'll be like i picture him this is how i picture it he doesn't have a walking stick but i would picture him like walking out no but i'd picture him walking out whistling like putting his cane around in a circle you know that sort of a thing he'd be just come out really happy and be like dad you got lucky last night didn't you and he'd just be like

you know it oh it's too much it doesn't no it doesn't bother me if i'm happy to know my parents are happy i once walked in on my mom having sex and oh yeah that's trust me i didn't want to know that she was happy it was i'm scarred i still hate that memory okay when i say sorry mom if you listen to this like sometimes yeah it's awful when i say my family's open we are not that open that's something i have never seen and i will never unsee look all great relationships have boundaries and i think that's really important i also have an accidentally unfiltered for us hit me it is much more g-rated but i i really enjoyed this one because after a week of some pretty intensive parenting. This one gave me a good chuckle. It's kind of long. My daughter is

dramatic. She is the sort of person who would step on a piece of dirt on the floor and fall down screaming. Me hurt foot. Or she'd hit her head on a pillow and make a huge deal out of it. She is too. I am her mom, so she believes everything that I say. I use this to my advantage and I told her that kisses fix everything. Stab your toe, get a kiss. Smack yourself in the face with a broom, get a kiss. Cut your finger with a fake knife, you also get a kiss. It was going great. She caught on quick and instead of screaming always asked for a kiss because I hurt. How could this possibly go wrong? Well I did not foresee the world falling apart and me needing to work from home with my six-month-old and my two-year-old for the last five weeks. My daughter was eating

her breakfast while I was on a video call. She bit her tongue and she started crying. Then she stopped and I saw the look on her face. So here I sit on a very very important video a conference call with my work and my two-year-old comes running in screaming mommy kiss tongue i am trying to shift my six-month-old so i can turn the audio and video off and i managed to mute it after she screams of course but didn't get the video shut off in time before my two-year-old daughter sticks her tongue out and shoves it in at me for a kiss as i'm opening my mouth to tell her no and that's how her tongue went straight down my mouth while i was on a co-working zoom call oh I think that's so cute so cute not really what you want to do make out with your two-year-old

on a zoom call I mean not make I don't I wouldn't want to make out with her not on a zoom call true true that one took me a while to get there I'm gonna edit I'm gonna edit that was that was a long one it was a long one it was a long one but it's cute that was cute I think we can tell the difference between Laura and I Laura is the mum and I am out there and everybody who's not a mom just listened to me waffle that one on and was like shut up that's disgusting keep your snotty two-year-old bleeding tongue charred away from me and i'm like oh i guess that's how sickness is spread give her tongue a kiss i think that's um i think that is like a foreplay thing in japan they like suck each other's tongues and lick each other's eyeballs that's just called kissing

no like have you heard of the eyeball licking no yeah big big foreplay in japan that is so weird so my dad i'm not gonna sort of fetish shame but that is that is up there with the weird stuff this is actually really funny we went around australia like my parents took us around australia in a full drive when we were all little kids and i'm talking we just camped our way through the deserts and had fires for dinner and you ate fire for dinner there's tough times in the desert we sat around a fire i can't find we'd make damp iron it was such an amazing australian experience but it can get pretty windy out there in the desert and we were constantly getting sand in our eye the best way when it's drought there's not a lot of water and you're a small child with sand in your eye

dad would lick the sand out of our eye because you put the tongue in the eye if you're still with me stay with me so weird but it makes sense if you're out there because when you think about it it's it's a really weird thing but if you actually deep dive it makes sense he would just like he could open our eye up and you'd be able to see the grain of sand he just back with his tongue like a lizard and it would get this and it would get the sand out because we were out in the middle of nowhere with limited water we just went from talking about licking people's eyes as a fetish to you telling me about some camp childhood yeah i just like licking but you know what i just thought i would share that nice segue part of who i am thanks dad there's been a lot of trauma here all right

that's we just we went so rogue let's jump into the content and gaslighting shall we oh look if we have to I'm here for a giggle it's been a while haven't seen you in such a long time I know when we haven't seen each other we start to just talk I don't want to say talk shit but we just we do don't we it's too much I feel like sometimes Laura and I get together if we haven't seen each other for a while we just word vomit for like two hours well it's also like this is when we catch up and then most girlfriends just catch up have a glass of wine and we do it and then we record it for we nationally record it for the rest of australia to listen to but that actually like that was your advice for mothers out there this is my advice for mothers if your child does have something in

their eye you can use your tongue that's what that's what i'll say i'm not making a joke either i'm being a hundy serious so let's get on to the topic so guys we are going to be talking about gas lighting okay so before we get into the topic for today which kind of also led us into the topic one brit had brought up gas lighting because of watching too hot to handle and how it seemed to be this current theme that ran through the series a little bit but this is what happened to me this week and you know what some of you won't care but i care i really care so i'm going to share it with you brit and i went for a walk whilst we were trying to think about what we were going to do for this episode and we were you know throwing around ideas and we were going for a walk down

Bondi and as we were walking along the promenade I look up and for anybody who has been listening to this podcast a while you would know that I often talk about an ex who was the most toxic ex that I've I've ever dated like the one who gaslit me the one who is it gaslit to be gaslighting the one who gaslit me, the one who cheated on me, the one who made me feel so insanely crazy when I was in that relationship. So insane. And I look up and he's standing two meters away from my face, staring straight at me. It was a really, really awful situation where I was like, how is it possible that we have been in lockdown for five weeks? I've not even seen my dearest, closest friends and family. And I managed to run into the one person in the world who I'd rather punch

myself in the face 7 000 times before seeing and then to make it worse i was like oh my god brit that's that guy that's that guy i always talk about on the podcast and brit goes oh that guy right there and then starts doing parkour like instead of being the good friend who is subtle and and and like slyly looks to the side and says oh that guy okay let's keep walking let's walk in this direction and really supports me through the trauma that i'm experiencing she starts pretending to do parkour and like which is cool I don't know what it's called she starts pretending to like jump off things and do somersaults and shit down the promenade to get his attention because my co-host is a child hang on I was I was already mid parkour I was just pretending to do

parkour I was being silly parkour where you like jump and do flips off objects um I'd had a lot of energy anyway I was doing this parkour and then you I looked at you and I was like you've seen a ghost what I've just missed something in the last 20 seconds I was like I want to unsubscribe from life right now someone please eject me and she's like that's the guy that's the guy that's the guy and I you know you try to be subtle but I was like well wait wait because I didn't want to miss him not only did she not try and be subtle she did a full 360 degree turn to see him like to look at him I can't I'm I am I'm not over this I mean this is I didn't make sense to me I saw him And I was like, that one?

And you were like, yes. And I was like, really? It was the last person I pictured for you. I will say that. Yeah. So you must have been good. You must have been good. Guys, so basically where this long story is going,

Britt and I have in the past talked a lot about relationships that we've been in where we have experienced gaslighting or, you know, emotional manipulation, cheating. And I think that these things can all kind of tie into each other. So that was why we wanted to talk. we were like ah here it is the topic for today's episode given to us on a silver platter in the form of my ex-boyfriend that is one of the reasons why we're talking about gaslighting today but also because it is something that happens in a lot of relationships some relationships that are healthy

and some relationships that you know clearly you need to get the hell out of but it is a very very common behavior that we have a name for and that is what we're talking about in case you don't know or gaslighting is it is just like a tactic or a behavior in where a person or it could even be your partner your boss but basically in order to gain more power they make their victim i.e. you question your reality so they make you feel like you're crazy you question yourself and your motives you question the situation you question the event that happened the way it unfolded it's it's a manipulation and it eventually will wear you down. So it's definitely a tactic that people use both consciously and subconsciously to gain control. And it's like, it's a form of emotional

abuse. It really is. And it can be something that is very, very malicious and very intent driven. For example, I think a good example of this is like, maybe you've been in a relationship with someone where you know, black and white, that they have cheated on you. You have evidence and you confront them and they deny it deny deny deny that is gaslighting and that's a very very intent driven example of gaslighting another one which is probably not so malicious which you know it's not because the person is necessarily a bad person but maybe it's because their communication skills aren't very good could be for example just say you are in a relationship you feel like your partner is not pulling the weight of the housework and you say to them like I'm feeling really upset

I don't feel like you pull the weight of the housework this you know you've done this this and this, which have upset me. And they say, well, you're wrong because I do. And the conversation just ends there. And so instead of them validating how you feel or validating the situation, they are shutting down what your reality is and they're telling you and denying you what is facts to you and the way you feel. And that lack of validation and that lack of acknowledging your reality is basically that's it. Like that's the definition of what gaslighting is. The reason I feel that this was really important to talk about is that I did go through it myself in my toxic relationship that I've spoken about here before on episode three.

This is like, we recommend this episode all the time. I'm just going to jump in on Brit because it's a freaking doozy. Brit was in a really, really toxic relationship where she legitimately dated a psychopath and we don't throw those terms around. Like we really, really think that you can't just call someone a psycho just for the sake of it. but his behavior which if you listen to episode three would very much indicate that that's the personality type that he is um so yeah so if you haven't listened to that episode go back and

listen to it so I was in this relationship for a few years with this guy that was living a double life and it was only now I didn't know what that abuse was at the time I didn't recognize it because nobody spoke about it when I finally fast forward a few years and it's only recently that I have heard about gaslighting and we'll talk about it or about its origin soon but it's only once people started to talk about it more I put the name to my situation and I thought oh my god this is what he did every time I read something about it or I heard about it I was like that's me that's me this is what he did to me um and it's so important to talk about because it wasn't spoken about I couldn't recognize it I couldn't highlight it meaning I couldn't do anything about it because

I didn't know it was happening and I was stuck in this relationship so to give you an example Laura I don't even know if I've spoken to you about this, but I just think it's so important. There was, there were situations that he would do to me. Like for example, it would, it would be about anything. He would just cancel something because his other partner had turned up, but he would make me say, he would say things like, you didn't book the accommodation. We've had to cancel it. Things like that. Like he'd blame me. But there was one time that has, it's really, really stuck with me all these years. And basically I stumbled across his phone one day, he was showing me something in his phone he was very protective of it and I was swiping through

what he was showing me and I saw a photo of me naked and a video and I had never seen this before I didn't know what it was and I I sort of was like well what is that and he snatched the phone away and he was like what what nothing like and I was like no I know what I saw and this was a few years deep so I was a bit more I was very submissive and I I'm embarrassed to say that now because of the person I am now but I said no I know what I just saw what the hell was that basically he had filmed us and taken a photo in the bedroom I had never seen it knew nothing about it and he then proceeded to convince me that I was all for it I knew about it he was like babe you remember we spoke about that we said we're gonna do it you'd had a few drinks and by the end of that

conversation I was like oh yeah like I guess I probably did and I just forgot about it when there is no way that I did and I he was just so good at the manipulation and I walked away from that being like oh yeah I totally did that like we definitely had that conversation which we did not and that is just a prime prime example of gaslighting that is one of the worst versions there are so many variants of this and that's something that we're going to talk about and like with everything that we do discuss on this podcast that there there is a spectrum which we we recognize that sort of behavior is at the very end of what is completely unacceptable that guy is an absolute fuck boy and you need to get them out of your life end of the spectrum and then there's also the end of the

spectrum where like we said something that might happen in your relationship and you need to sort of better your communication skills and outline to your partner that they're doing it but the first thing exactly as you just said Britt is recognizing one what it is two what that behavior is and really understanding that your reality doesn't need to be validated by anybody else so if you feel something you know that it's happened you know that you feel a certain way about it don't allow somebody to try and convince you to get you angry to get you flustered uh to try and convince you that that there's anything else in that you know like someone should validate the way that you feel, especially if they love you and respect you. And I think that that's like my biggest point

I want to drive home before we even really get into the topic is like, you don't need somebody else to validate your reality. If that's how you feel, then it is real to you and it deserves validation. And if your partner loves you and respects you, they will validate it. Even if they don't agree with you necessarily. Anyway. Yeah. And now I will breathe into like where this whole, the name of it started. Cause like, so gaslighting as a concept has been around for so long since then like I mean I'm sure the behavior's been around forever but the concept and the name of it was coined in the 1930s there was a play that was written in 1938 it's a mystery thriller written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton and it is called Gaslight it was made

into a movie in 1944 and the whole premise of this play slash movie is that the husband so the husband and wife and the husband is manipulating the wife into feeling like she's crazy and so he would he would set things up and do things to really make her question her reality to the point where he had set up the gas lights in the attic to make them flicker and she had said to him this one night oh we really need to fix the gas lights in the attic because they keep flickering and he's like what are you talking about you're crazy there's nothing wrong with gas lights they're not on and so he did this with such consistency and which with such malicious intent that by the time it got to the end of the movie she actually thought she was insane and I and I think that

that's obviously a really extreme version of it. But this sort of behavior consistently over a period of time leaves you feeling so incredibly fucking insane in your relationship. I think it's important to like one recognize that if you're in a relationship where you feel crazy and you feel very different to how you have in your other relationships where you feel super insecure, you feel overly sensitive, your partner's telling you that you're behaving crazy, then there is a really good chance that you're actually being gaslighted in that. you want to know something really interesting tell me so it's funny because the term obviously originated in the 30s after that movie but it didn't become popular until donald trump was

elected and it has been used so much since his inauguration that in 2018 the oxford dictionary named it the most popular term i kind of believe that because donald trump just gaslights everyone i think i read the same thing that you're quoting now but it's been used in relation to a lot of politician so it's not it's not just a term that has to be relative to relationships it's a term that can be used in the workplace like Britt said it's a term that can be used it's it's when anybody tries to sort of fundamentally shift what your reality is based on lies so it can be used from politicians I'm sure that they're using it all the time oh my god absolutely okay so I've shared my example obviously my example of me being gaslit gaslighted gaslit city baby you've

spoken about your toxic ex do you have an example of something that happened in that relationship so maybe people can try to relate to it could be a little thing it could be something huge let me get the list out yes so um one of the big things that happened really early on in our relationship was um we were out this one night at a nightclub and like we'd been drinking we've been going through a bit of a bad patch as well which i i don't understand why we were going through a bad patch like nothing had happened but he was behaving really really distant to me and I didn't know what I had done wrong and I was already feeling like okay well what have I done in this situation to put a wedge between us and we were out and he wasn't really talking to me very much

and he was quite angry with me and then he was on his phone heaps like texting and he was just constantly on his phone whilst we're on a night out together and I went up to him and I said I feel I feel like you're texting another girl and if you are doing that you need to shut that shit down right now and he was like you're insane you're a psycho like you're a fucking psycho in that situation where where I really really wanted to believe him I was so in love with him like I really really really wanted to be wrong and and I wanted cold hard evidence I wasn't going off my instinct I wasn't going off my gut like I wanted cold hard evidence if he was actually cheating on me and so I got home and I said to him again I was like I feel like you've been texting

a girl tonight I don't know why but my intuition is raging and I really really think that you've been doing the wrong thing and he continued with the whole you're you're crazy narrative and then he fell asleep and I picked up his phone I went through his phone and he had only just recently moved so like literally two weeks prior we had moved across the road from his original apartment and this girl was messaging him saying I'm downstairs let me in so she was downstairs at his old apartment it was a girl he used to hook up with and she was buzzing the buzzer of the apartment downstairs to get in for a booty call to get in for a booty call because he had been texting her the whole time anyway so it was like it was insane it was such it was so insane this

situation played out and then what's even more insane is that that was at a point in my life where I I didn't have the confidence that I have now like my standards were already so so low and like I didn't have the respect for myself I didn't think I deserved what I deserve and I really put up with behavior that's completely beneath me and I forgave him and I stayed in that relationship for two years and what I like the point of this that I really want to drive home is that if you see this behavior early on in your relationship these are big fucking red flags and it doesn't get better and someone who gaslights you early on or behaves in a way that's like rocks your foundation you need to leave before it becomes too late and before you're too emotionally invested

there is fundamentally something wrong with somebody who lies to your face black and blue because it suits their their agenda absolutely and as I said it sounds like you and I were in the same position in terms of the way we felt about ourself and we didn't think we deserved better and and I think there are a lot of people out there that will really relate to that but I do really really want to drive home that I think the biggest thing is just education and people talking about it I didn't know what it was you didn't know what it was we couldn't recognize the behavior so that's why I want to drive home we have so many young female listeners and I want to do everything I can to keep you guys out of this toxic situation and also I guess if you find

yourself in a toxic situation or you find yourself questioning like if you if you're having a fight with your boyfriend and it's the same narrative that's happening over and over and over and they're telling you that you're crazy or they're telling you that you're making it up talk to your friends talk to your sister talk to your mom talk to the people who are close to you and explain the situation because if your friends and family can say to you you're not crazy that behavior is really really screwed up then that gives you ammunition to go back and say actually do you know what like this whatever you're saying is real I know it's not real like I know the truth but you need to realize that the only person who you can control in some situations is yourself especially if you're

in a real toxic relationship with someone who does have sort of narcissistic personality disorder you're never going to be able to convince them or make them necessarily believe your version or get them to agree with you you just have to make choices that are completely for yourself which is probably leaving the relationship I looked up a psychologist that actually sort of specializes in this behavior and she deals with a lot of people that have been through this situation she has highlighted some things some sentences to sort of ask yourself to see if you say yes to any of them that maybe you need to dive a little bit deeper and see if you're in this relationship so we're going to read a few of these out and just think to yourself has this happened to me does

this happen to me yes I can agree okay so and like if you're in a toxic relationship you already know that something is wrong like you already have that feeling where you're so unsettled and like just the the essence of your body is like something is really wrong here and you always feel like you're fighting for the relationship or you always feel like you're a little bit crazy but sometimes you need to have that validity really driven home that you need to get out okay so she says to ask yourself if you say yes to any of these ask yourself am I too sensitive do you ask yourself this multiple times a day do you often feel confused and even crazy in the relationship do you find yourself constantly apologizing you can't understand why you aren't

happy why aren't I happy in this relationship what am I doing wrong do you frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior do you know that something is wrong but you just can't put your finger on it you know when you've got you but you're just like what is it I don't know that was me for sure and Laura you just put your hand up oh my god like you're in class do you start lying to avoid people questioning his behavior or your partner's behavior and this can be not just we are saying it as a male because majority of gaslighting situations are male dominated but women gaslight too but for today we are just saying we're using the pronoun hey do you find yourself and this is a big one and I did this do you find yourself lying to your friends and family

about his behavior because you know the behavior is not right so you you lie about it I was doing that to my sister all the time in my relationship she would call him out on it and question me like why are you letting him do that why is he doing this to you why is he saying this to you and I would lie I'd make up a whole story to make him not look like an idiot or a liar to my family because otherwise you'd have to then justify why you were putting up with being treated so badly but it's because you really really want the relationship oh absolutely and the last few were do you have trouble making decisions on your your own because a really slow burn in a toxic gaslighting relationship is it's control so you start to lose the ability to want or to be able

to make decisions because usually you have to run it by your partner so that's a question to ask yourself have I has it changed and I can't make decisions now and do you wonder if you are good enough that is the big one that they say do you ever ask yourself if you're good enough for him and you're questioning that that's because they are making you feel like you're not you just don't that doesn't happen on its own but then that also feeds into this feeling of like why why when someone treats you so badly, you will still fight so hard to keep the relationship. And it's kind of like this crazy thing. Then when you're out of it, you're like, how did I ever put up with that behavior? How did I ever think I was never going to meet someone better than that? But when you're

in it and you're entrenched in something that with someone who treats you so badly, it's so all encompassing. If you're in it, like right now, you, I'm talking to you. If you're in it, what you need to ask yourself is what is there about this relationship that's so good that is worth putting up with feeling this crazy all the time for and honestly the answer should be nothing like there is nothing in this world there's no person there is no man there is no woman there is literally nobody that is so important that they can rock your fundamental identity of yourself that they can make you feel crazy that they can make you lower your standards that nobody is worth that at all ever. I think that the other thing that's really important to touch on in this

is that we said it a little bit briefly at the start, but I really want to like sit in and make sure that we've covered it as well. Is that just because you're in a relationship where someone does gaslight as like their coping mechanism for an argument doesn't mean that you're necessarily in a bad relationship. There is a very mild version of this as well, which comes from people who are poor communicators. They don't really deal with criticism or feedback very well. And it comes from an insecurity it comes with like lack of self-confidence so I do think that there are some people who when you point out to them hey you've hurt my feelings I feel like this their initial reaction is to get defensive or to say no I didn't I didn't do that I'm you know

I'm not the person you're saying that I am and it's not because they're a bad person it's not because it's a relationship that you should leave it's just that they aren't very great at communicating when they feel attacked and that's something that you absolutely can work on that relationship is so salvageable and that's probably a pretty normal part of like dealing with conflict in a relationship because a lot of people don't deal with criticism very well I mean I know I don't deal with criticism very well and I know that I can be defensive sometimes when Matt tells me that I'm being a shit partner the difference is is that like I want to be better and I'm not intentionally manipulating him to get the outcome I'm not intentionally trying to lie where this

behavior becomes so toxic and so destructive is when someone knows they've done the wrong thing and they're intent on lying about it and they're intent on like pulling the wool over your eyes. I wanna jump in on what you just said and really reiterate that gaslighting is not the same as sensitivity. So what you just said, some people can be really sensitive in a relationship

and that's just who they are as a person and they might take things a bit harsher, might be constructive criticism, but they get defensive. It's really important to differentiate if you are just being overly sensitive and the person is trying to give you constructive criticism or if they're actually trying to alter your perception because there's a big difference

with sensitivity and gaslighting. If you're in a relationship with someone who says things to you like you're so sensitive or you're being paranoid or you're acting crazy or like you're making that up or, oh, I was just joking, babe. Like all of these things are a way of kind of downplay and not validate the way that you're feeling.

And I think that that is like a very clear indication that when you are bringing an argument, not even an argument, when you're bringing conflict to the table, or when you're trying to express that there's something wrong or something that's upsetting you, then instead of taking responsibility and taking ownership, your partner instead is trying to flip the narrative and make you the bad person. And that undermines everything that you're feeling. It undermines everything that's happened. And there's nowhere to go. If you're telling your partner that you're upset by a situation

and they won't even validate that that situation is real, then the only option you have is to back down from it and it means that they get to win win like who wins in an argument if both people in a relationship are like well-rounded and really reasonable people then it doesn't matter who comes with a you know a disagreement or feeling upset like a normal response to conflict is I'm sorry that I've made you feel like that and what can I do to make it better like that is the that is the most normal reaction but if you're not getting that from your partner if you are afraid to talk to them about things that are making you upset because you're so scared that they're going to dump you or they're going to start a fight or you're going to end up blowing up about it then

you really need to assess like that there's something fundamentally wrong there and I think depending on where you're at in your relationship it's much harder obviously if you're married and you've got kids and you're having these blow-ups then I think that you need to go and speak to a counselor or speak to a third party or speak to somebody else about it but if you're in the early early stages of a relationship, this is such a huge red flag that this is not the right relationship for you and like cut your losses and leave because you need to be validated. Conflict resolution is one of the most important aspects of a thriving and sustainable relationship. And if you don't have that early on, I don't think that that's something that you can really work towards.

I do just want to make a note that I did get a lot of this information from a woman called Robin Stern. She is a licensed psychoanalyst that is, she's an associate director at like the yale center for emotional intelligence so she knows her stuff this girl knows her shit she knows her shit but i just found it really interesting she just says quote it's worth noting that in my practice the gaslighter is typically a man and the gaslightee is typically a woman in my clinical experience many women are socialized to doubt themselves and continually apologize for disagreeing or upsetting their partners but men are not i find that really interesting that women we are almost made now to be pleasers and we apologize constantly because we want to fix the situation

so it doesn't matter what the man is delivering to us or what the situation is we usually just want to get it done and be like fine i'm sorry so let's bring this back to a very very very pivotal thing that we have both watched this week, which is too hot to handle. And that was what got us onto this topic in the first place. So guys, if you haven't seen the series yet, then maybe skip ahead a little bit because I don't want to give away any spoilers, but there is this section in the series where Harry and Francesca have made out. So they broke the rules, right? And then Harry goes back and he tells the guys, Oh, Francesca made out with me. He throws her under the bus because she didn't, he completely, completely was the one who, he fully threw

himself on her if anything it was a bit predatory but whatever so he is the one who did it and then he throws her under the bus he doesn't take any responsibility for it like when she's sitting there being like why are you saying this like I I whatever I didn't do that it's obviously over the relationship's done she then starts dating somebody else and he's like a wounded puppy because he hates seeing her dating somebody else but she's done nothing wrong then she still has feelings for him she wants to be with him she kind of like regrets that she's gone and dated this other person so she goes back to Harry and she starts having conversation with him about how she still has feelings for him and instead of having like a mature and open conversation about this

Harry's response is well you know I don't know if I can forgive you for what you've done and she hadn't done anything wrong but he had managed to flip the conversation and make her apologize for behavior that was actually his shitty behavior in the first place yeah she was apologizing and begging for him back and I found myself asking Sherry I was like did I miss something what's what's she apologizing for like I couldn't work it out how how he got there and how she got there but it was happening and it was such blatant gaslighting like like he was amazing at emotionally manipulating her at this point but I think it's really important to acknowledge he is very young he is 23 years old and that behavior is indicative of somebody who's young and who doesn't necessarily

had like the full spectrum or experience in how to deal with conflict and how to treat someone who you know he wanted to like uphold uphold bro code and like keep everyone happy like I don't think he dealt with it in the best way but I do think that age plays a massive part in it and I think that people who are in their early 20s are afforded a bit of time to be jerks but when you're in your 30s that's who you are like if you're 33 and you're doing shit like that that's the man that you are and I really think it's important that if you're in that point in your life and you're dating someone who is meant to be a man and they're still displaying this sort of behavior then it's never gonna change like it's the person that they are I do absolutely agree with what you

said whilst it was a blatant example on Harry's behalf of gaslighting I don't think there was anything malicious in there I don't think it was intentional I don't even know if he knew he was doing it I think he would probably watch it I imagine he would watch it back and be like wow I didn't I can see what that looks like now as you know as an outsider maybe it's kind of interesting that these people like even for us like when you do reality tv you kind of watch yourself back and you're like oh yeah I like that about myself and I don't like that about myself it's almost a self-development in and of itself the experiment because you see behaviors back that you can reflect on which nobody ever really gets to watch like you never get to watch your

life back in that sort of way oh I found it really fascinating watching myself back I there was nothing that I did where I was like oh my god I'm horrible I would have changed that but it definitely I can't imagine these people watching themselves and not learning or taking something from it for sure if you guys haven't seen too hot to handle yet please go and see it and I think we should talk about it on the Facebook page maybe okay so I think if you're in a situation where you know that you're being gas lit city then what do you do in this situation right like what's your next step apart from like getting the fuck out of there which sometimes that's not always the that's not always the solution like sometimes you can't just leave the relationship or maybe

you're not ready to or maybe you don't want to and you actually want to work on it what do you do to show your partner and explain to your partner like this is behavior that's not acceptable and I'm not going to stand for this it can be excruciatingly difficult to pull yourself out of this sort of a toxic relationship and this sort of a power dynamic but there are some steps that you can do there are some things that you can do within yourself with other people in your life so let's just nut out some of them obviously step one is identify the problem hopefully by now you have identified that from some of the things we've said before the questions you can ask yourself if you're not sure and you're a fence sitter and you're like am I crazy or is he doing this to me

they suggest you go to a friend or someone that's close to both of you and just say don't protect me don't sugarcoat it tell me do you agree the way he treats me do you agree the way things he says to me and just ask them because you know that these people love you and they're going to tell you the truth and if you go to them and say don't sugarcoat it give it to me hard give me the hard truth they will do that and you're going to learn a lot from that because these people only want the best for you you're going to go to your friends and ask them for their cold hard and honest opinion about your partner and about your relationship then you need to be really ready to make some changes because it's really unfair position to put your friends in to say hey give me your give

me your opinion on my partner who treats me like shit and they're going to tell you that and then be like, sweet, we're going to stay together because we love each other forever. Like that's not fair. And I've done that to my friends before and it makes it really uncomfortable for them. So I think you can only really do that if you're at a point and at a, at a crossroad where you need to make some hard decisions and you're ready to make those hard decisions because otherwise it just becomes them against you. They feel uncomfortable because they have now said the wrong thing about your partner. And it's, it's just, it's going to open up a whole nother can of worms with your relationship with your nearest and dearest I think just on what Britt said as

well like you know this is happening draw a line in the sand in the way that you communicate with your partner and as soon as you start seeing it happen in your conflict so when you have gone to your partner and said this has upset me and as soon as you start seeing their behavior when they're like that didn't happen or they're not acknowledging it you call a spade a spade and say like this this conversation is not going to happen like this. I am not going to sit here and not be validated for the way I feel. You're not going to tell me that this didn't happen because I know it happened. And you really have to stand so strong in what you know is reality and what you believe and in the way that you feel. Don't get, don't get crazy. Don't get angry. Don't yell. Don't

scream because that is exactly the reaction that they want, because they want you to yell. They want you to scream because by you yelling and screaming, it means that they get to then flip it and say well you're the one acting crazy now because you kind of are but that's they've created that situation so I think be very very mindful to not not deliver the sort of conflict and not deliver the sort of argument that they're looking for something they suggest that you can do in terms of that in terms of really nailing down the moment you're saying am I crazy is to sort truth from distortion so after you've had a conversation or a situation like this immediately after write down in a journal what happened into the point of the dialogue flow

write down what he said write down what you've said and then write down your feelings that way you can track you can pinpoint where your partner starts to go from reality into gaslighting into making you can see the switch and that way it's so common for women and men but it's so common to have a fight, have an argument and you are so upset and you know you deserve better. But a week later, two weeks later, it's forgotten because you're back in love. And you forget facts. Like you forget details. Like you might be like, well, on Tuesday you said this and it's like, oh fuck, I can't remember if it was Tuesday or Wednesday. Like I don't keep a mental, I'm not keeping tabs on everything that you've done. I just know that this week, these several things

have happened that's upset me. I don't know the time, date and place of all of them. So stop trying to trip me out on details. Well, that way you've got the facts. You've got the facts. you can see where it strays from reality and you can go back and remember and reread how you felt in that situation and just how far from the truth your partner strayed how he made you feel this is such an important tool for your own sanity to keep a journal of these sorts of things if you are in a very very toxic place but I do also think that if you're at a point where you need to keep a journal of your arguments with your partner then you have some pretty big questions that you need to ask yourself because that's a really dark place to be at um I don't think that anyone should ever be at

a point in their relationship where they need to journal or write down the fights that they're having to be able to say well this is what happened and this is what you said I think that that in itself is such a huge indication that your relationship is so far gone past the point of repair that you need to start making some choices for yourself like and and everything I'm so with you on this Brit because everything that I read was like the best way of dealing with someone who's gaslighting you is to keep a journal and to keep information and to be able to kind of like timestamp this sort of conversation but at that just to me I'm like if you need to do that then you need to leave. For sure but the thing is it's easy for us to say that now we've both been in it

and we know it's not that easy about saying leave so that's why we're actually telling you steps and giving you a process and the next step in figuring this out is engaging in some mental exercises and it's literally to shift your mindset because you're in this controlling relationship and this life where you can't imagine your life without this person so they suggest that to shift your mindset you start to do these exercises where you just start to visualize your life without your partner visualize it on your own what would you be doing differently what could you be doing differently what opportunities would come to you and just start to think about your life without the other person because chances are if you're in this relationship you have been codependent for a

very long time you have felt like you can't make those decisions on your own you don't know what you would do on your own so that is a huge as for me someone that's super into meditation your mindset can change your whole path and the journey that you're on so to start being and think about it positively. Don't think I'm on my own. I'm going to be lonely. I don't know where to go. I'll have no one. I'll have nothing to do. You have to think of it in a positive light. I'm going to have all this time to start these new hobbies. I can finally go and travel to this country because he never wanted to go there. I can finally find somebody at some point who treats me with love and respect, who I don't feel this crazy with every single second of every

single day. Just like on this whole idea of like meditating and projecting a life of like what you could have if you weren't with somebody who makes you feel crazy all the time yes I understand and I've been there like trust me I've been so deep in the trenches in this type of relationship where I felt like I couldn't imagine my life without them and I couldn't see like I couldn't see the forest through the trees but what you need to ask yourself as well is you are so unhappy in that relationship like a relationship where someone gaslights you is such an unhappy place to be in and being on your own means that you get to control your own happiness so when you're with someone who treats you badly when you're in a toxic relationship your happiness is so volatile

it goes up and down up and down high so high and then so low all dependent on that other person and how that other person treats you and how that other person makes you feel but when you take control back and you actually start living for yourself and making those decisions for yourself you take ownership over your own happiness again and you no longer have those peaks and troughs you get to decide when you're happy you get to decide what makes you happy and you will honestly start living in this constantness of having control in your life which I think is something that when you regain that after being after being out of control for so long it's just like the most incredible experience I really sat in this one and thought about it for a long time because I

think a lot of people will understand this but when you're having this argument when you're trying to figure out your situation your relationship don't worry about who's right and who's wrong don't be like I'm right you're he's like I'm right you're right you're wrong you're wrong it's not about who's right and wrong it's about the feelings that you feel in that situation maybe he is right but how did you feel in that journey how did you feel in that conversation because your feelings are far more important than who was right in the conversation and a lot of people really get swept up in that they a woman will walk away to her friends and she will almost validate she'll almost validate it by saying well you know he was right that's

irrelevant he made you feel like absolute dirt the whole time and that is more important than the fact that he was right yeah but also like just with any conflict like and I think that this is this is important with any like a disagreement in life like for example Matt doesn't have to agree with me. Like if we're having a fight, I don't, and I, and I feel a certain way about something. He doesn't need to agree that I'm right. Like that's not what the fight is, but he does need to validate that he understands that I feel a certain way about something. So maybe I'm wrong. Like maybe, maybe I'm totally wrong. Maybe he does do enough housework, right? Maybe I am being a little bit irrational, but he still needs to say, I understand that you're upset and what

can I do to help make this better? You still need to validate that someone is upset and someone is hurting by completely disregarding that you're disregarding any way for growth you're disregarding any way for the two of you to be able to kind of resolve this situation amicably it becomes about exactly what Bridget said I'm right you're wrong I'm big you're small I have control you don't and that's not what conflict or conversation or arguments should be about when we were sort of looking into this I did learn a new word I learned a new term and it's like a subcategory of gas lighting and I wanted to highlight it because I had never heard of it before it's called bright sighting it is something that we spoke about though so this was like very opportunistic in that

when we did the miscarriage episode a couple of weeks back now when one of the things I spoke about on that episode is that people often unintentionally make the situation worse by constantly telling you like oh like you know you should be positive about the fact that you already have a baby or like lucky it was really early and there's this a little bit of insensitivity that comes with people trying to make you feel better about the whole fact that you're having a miscarriage and then brit was talking about this episode and she came across this word which is bright siding yeah like literally look on the bright side that's where it has come from people constantly saying look on the bright side and it's it's another way of gaslighting i guess but it's

definitely not as severe and it comes with good intention but it's the same concept and what bright siding is is that means that somebody is putting their own discomfort in having a conversation with you so for example if you're telling someone that you've had a miscarriage they don't want to feel uncomfortable in that conversation and so their response to say like oh you know like lucky it was early on is an attempt for them to make the situation better so that they don't feel uncomfortable and it's not validating the the hurt that you feel because by validating the hurt that you feel there is this error of like oh it's it's uncomfortable to deal with someone's grief it's uncomfortable to deal with someone's pain it's uncomfortable to deal

with somebody else who feels uncomfortable so we do and I think a lot of us do this just a normal like life and day-to-day like problems it's it's like easier to say oh you know the situation's not as bad as you're making it out or it's literally like having someone be force fed a shit sandwich but saying to them you should be appreciating the free lunch oh I like that yeah let them let them sit in the fact that they're eating a shit sandwich yeah they're getting free food for sure it's still shit but it's shit so there's and it's really hard because somebody like me I am a very optimistic person and I do want to look on the bright side of things as much as possible but I am I like to think I'm pretty careful with it and I can assess the situation and

I do try to realize that I want to be here for you and support you and be positive but there are times where you're like you know what this is shit and let's just sit in this for a minute because there's nothing we can say so that I think that it's really hard and it's a really fine line and you can't hold it against your friends or anyone in your life if they do say these things to you or they are brightsiding you because you have to know that this isn't a narcissistic or manipulative or malicious type of gaslighting. It's an unintentional type of gaslighting. But like you said with your miscarriage chat, it doesn't help the situation. And sometimes people need to just have someone say to them, that sucks. Brightsiding, brightsiding, which is like

just a tangent of gaslighting. It is definitely not as bad as gaslighting and it is not an intentional, malicious, evil thing that we do. Like it is, it is so far from that, but it's just an interesting thing that like, as a human behavior, we want to kind of make people feel better. But by doing that, sometimes we make people feel worse. And when Brit brought it up, I was like, Oh my God, that is that, that's that word. That's that thing that we were talking about. And we, and I didn't know that it had a name, but now it has a name just like gaslighting does. We didn't know how to label it. We didn't know what it was, but everything's got a label guys. And so, you know, if you're in a relationship with someone and you feel like you're that

they're gaslighting you, then you need to have conversations around this. You need to make some changes in your life because it's such a scary and an uncomfortable and like belittling place to be in, in your relationship. Oh my God, girlfriend, you deserve so much more than that. And if I think it's more friends probably who, who bright side, I think it's friends who have good intention to try and make you feel better. but I do think that sometimes sometimes it's misguided and it's also okay to have a conversation with your friends and say that you know you don't need them to make you feel better you just need

them to listen and that's that's an important conversation to have as well both different both very important I really really am passionate about this topic and I'm so glad that we put this out there and put it together and as somebody that has been through it to the extreme and on like a more basic level as well I hope that you guys got something from this and I think this is the sort of episode that maybe you know a friend or you know someone that is in this sort of a toxic situation but you don't know how to approach it it might be as simple as just sending them this episode tag them in it say listen to these girls and then they might sort of have some triggers and there might be some things that stick out to them during this episode and they'll get there on

their own or maybe they can listen to it and then you can talk to them as a friend then you can say once you've listened to it let's have a chat we're here to be that little subtle soothing voice in your ear so are we soothing i don't know i don't know is my laugh soothing jesus christ no do you know what i almost feel like you know when you hang out with someone too much you start to like get their characteristics i i feel like you hang around me too like i think we're hanging around each other too much that i think sometimes your laugh gets a bit manic like mine like I'm worried I'm rubbing off on you you're okay you think it's you you're you're the you're the influence no sometimes your laugh gets a bit manic and I'm like oh she's caught it no I

think I've always had a bit of a manic laugh to be honest I think I just kept it under wraps at the start now I'm like free the beast you want to know something funny when I went on the bachelor we finish is that it is like that's us wrapping oh yeah gaslighting's over guys next topic when I went on the bachelor um I just thought of this now my family was like have fun just just be yourself because you're great like you know be just be kind but if we have any advice for you it's just don't let the laugh out that's what they said which i just want to say guys like one of the biggest points of like like the most highlighted review that we get is that people are like i fucking love britney's laugh and i fucking love britney's laugh it's out there now here for it

and also just on that this is like before we get into ask uncut i just want to throw this one out there we have had so many incredibly wonderful reviews lately and I am just like beyond gobsmacked and so grateful and we both like from time to time send them to each other because they're like oh my god you know here's a bit of a confidence boost for you but we love making this podcast so much and we love having these chats and we love putting them out there and it just fills us with so much gratitude that we know that this has helped some of you at different points in your life and that's the whole purpose of what we're doing this for if you walk away from some of these episodes feeling empowered if you walk away from them feeling supported that is the whole purpose of this

and so for every single person who has left a positive review or has reached out like we are so humbled and so incredibly grateful for that i just wanted to put that in there thank you thank you thank you all right guys so i did throw a little standard in the works and say that we were going to do an Ask Uncut on today's episode. I'm lucky I had one prepared. Well, I was just going to say, even though you didn't know we were doing it, you got one. Well, I didn't know, but I'm just super prepared.

I like this. I like a prepared woman. So because we, you know, obviously we didn't do the Tuesday episode, Thursday Eps meant to be Ask Uncut. We get so many freaking questions from you guys and we love it. So I don't want to deal with the backlog. So we're just going to do one question because this is already going to be a super long episode. So one question, Brit, come at me, brah.

I met this guy just before we went into isolation, literally three days. As soon as we went into lockdown, it was all on. He was all over me. We were still seeing each other. So we were sort of isolating together and it was absolutely fantastic. In the last week, since restrictions have started to lift, he has gone a bit colder. I'm not really hearing from him anymore. And I think he's pulling back because ISO is lifting.

what do I do how do I approach this is that a thing oh girlfriend oh it's such a thing oh it's such a thing and you're not alone this is okay I feel like there's going to be a lot of people who are going to be in this situation and it's shit because you've just invested what like seven weeks of your life into someone and and in a way like I think the thing that we really need to think about with this is that it's seven weeks of real intensity because if you have isolated with that person it's not just like oh I've been seeing this guy for seven weeks it's like five six seven weeks of every single day almost all day being in each other's space so that's that is like a full baptism of fire that is a pressure cooker of a relationship from the start it's understandable

and one of the things I'm sympathizing with is that you're probably a lot more emotionally invested than what you would be normally if you had just met a guy and you'd casually dated for five weeks oh absolutely things are so heightened in this environment I feel like it's the bachelor mansion all over again it's literally I was like almost engaged after three months of knowing a guy so I can't yeah like you think you love them after three days but I did but the idea is you are in an environment where if you've just started seeing someone and you're locked down all you're thinking about or you're speaking the only person you're speaking to you're spending all your time with this person but I am going to give you some tough love here and say if he's pulling back now just

because he's free. A, you're too good for him. B, you could always have the conversation with him, but girl, it is about to be a froth fest. As soon as we are out of here, it is going to be insane. The dating, the people that are out, everyone's going to be wanting to meet new people. So I think you don't put too much pressure on it. And C, it sucks and it's unfortunate and you don't want to think that you were in it, but it sounds like potentially you were in a situation ship. and that ladies and gentlemen is a thing I am still dealing deeply with the fact that you said froth fest but I'm gonna I'm gonna overlook that for one second he's actually will be a froth fest it's I'm so deeply traumatized um but what I want to say is like this like if this is what this guy

has done like if he has just bunkered down with you for for six weeks like that's shit like he he has treated you badly and that is a really really shit thing to do to someone to use them emotionally and physically to be able to have them as a support person because he didn't want to be on his own like that is a that is all characteristics of a bad bad guy and someone who doesn't respect you and someone who doesn't respect your time and someone who doesn't respect your feelings so I I'm like already like if if he's pulling back now and actually like not giving you the attention and the love and affirmation that he was giving you last week and you really do genuinely think it's because the lockdown is lifting then that for me is like red flag red flag

red flag red flag put some distance in place because you are not somebody's emotional sounding board you're not there just to make somebody else feel better and if you really thought this was a relationship and something that you'd invested your time and and your love into then you need to take care of yourself now if you're not being treated the way you deserve I agree and I do want to add one thing and it's I guess it's in a way I'm bright siding but I think in a situation like fierce it's important to not necessarily straight away feel defensive and like he used you but maybe look at it like you were both in a really bad situation that the whole world no one expected it no one knew what to do with it and you probably helped each other through it you found each other

at the right time I'm sure he helped you through it a lot I'm sure he made the experience better and maybe that's just a nicer way to look at it okay he's not my penguin it sucks but I probably wouldn't have had such a good time or had the support I needed in this time if it wasn't for him. So it's just another way to have a look at it. No, I don't think that's bright siding. And I actually love that. Like, I mean, I had, I was like, the guy's a dickhead. No, but I love that you've said that because I think that that's so true. Like, you know, you can focus on the negative parts of the fact that the relationship hasn't or isn't working out, but the relationship may not have worked out anyway. So if you've been able to get support and love and during a really,

really stressful and anxious time, have someone there to come, you know, to be at home with and to have fun with. And that's really special in and of itself. You know, not every relationship that we have in life needs to turn into the one. It can't possibly. It's part of the journey. He was part of your journey and he got you to where you are. And if that's the case, then you can look back at that time fondly. It doesn't have to be a really negative memory for you because we're all going to remember Corona for the rest of our lives. Also, maybe you have some really good Stories from your time in isolation. Exactly.

There's a real world in your house. You've got more stories than I've got. Oh, dear. All right, Laura, you know we never finish an episode without our suck and our sweet. Our highlights, lowlights, the best, the worst. What happened to you this week? Well, my lowlight was definitely Marley being sick. Like, that's a low, low, lowlight.

It's pretty much off. The light is off. yeah it's the electricity is cut yes thank you for running with my joke it wasn't even funny in the first place but i'm here for you and i'm always trying to make thanks for the support um so my low light was marley being sick my low light was also missing the ep my other low light is that i have to stay up and edit this ep there's a few low lights laura doesn't know the rules you're only supposed to have one but i'm gonna give it to you this week you deserve it thank you thank you so much my highlight is oh look my highlight's boring it's too hot to handle i really enjoyed it

i i'd like guys i'm here for the shit tv watch it it was great if you have five eight hours i don't even know it's like it's like who knows how many episodes it is but it's great i think that's my highlight i think it's eight i'm okay so my second suite i'm gonna preempt it also matt has cooked dinner almost every night this week that's also my highlight he's been an angel that's amazing an angel shout out to maddie j he's an angel sent from the heavens all you have to do is get angry at them once and then they really pull themselves into line well i'm gonna preempt my second suite with firstly my suck yes i'm aware we're at different points of our life and my suck is ridiculous but it sucked i shouted myself a coffee machine like a little at home

coffee machine because i thought i'm gonna save heaps of money by not buying my coffees out every day bought this machine then I went ham buying the pods for it must have had like 100 pods because you love the environment they're recyclable you knob are they yeah oh sorry continue shouted myself some pods went hardcore went ham got probably 100 pods because I was just going to use them for the rest of my life I got the wrong size pods they don't fit into my coffee machine don't have my receipt can't return them i now have oh well so you really do hate the environment see yeah there you go unintentionally though oh that's a real waste like put them up on bondi loop i'm just gonna throw them out like don't you get no throw them like you get a pod

you get a pod like what are they for maybe i could take them no i got an espresso machine that's a shame okay fancy pants we really went all out my sweet was actually it was laura it was you this week Laura knows me very well and she gave me the gift of cookie dough she gave me a log of Bennett Street cookie dough she knows how much I love it and it was as simple as that it was just a little deed that made my week Brittany is a very very easy person to please so long as it is calorie dense and full of sugar she is the happiest woman on this planet I'm here for it guys thank you so much for listening to another episode and like I know we've already said it but I'm so sorry that we couldn't get Tuesday to you.

We really do try and be so like consistent and disciplined with getting this out. But you know what? Sometimes life just throws you a curve ball. Some may say sometimes life is uncut. Who would say that, Brittany? Well, we would. No, guys, we appreciate you there.

We appreciate your support and your love and the fact that you keep coming back. And guys, if you haven't signed up for our Facebook page, we have a really beautiful, supportive and hilarious little community going on at Life Uncut Podcast. Jump on Facebook, follow us on Instagram, hit five stars, leave a review, tell your dog, tell your mom, tell your nan, and share the love because we love love.

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